TUTUM winter 2021 • issue 4 • becoming
Journal
A Dwelling Place For Childless Women In Every Season
The Power of
‘I Am’
25 VISIONARIES FROM AROUND THE GLOBE SHARE THEIR STORIES OF BECOMING
Reclaiming Your
Whole Self
Managing The
Holiday Blues
The Importance Of A
Vision Board
How To Recognize
Seasonal Depression tutumjournal.com
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Reclaiming Your Whole Self Along A Childless Journey
CONTENTS
Psychotherapist Katie Maynard breaks down the links between childlessness and the fractured sense of self.
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Blogger Brandi Lytle reflects on who she was and who she is becoming.
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5 Tips To Embrace The Holidays
Therapeutic counsellor and coach Tanya Hubbard shares how to manage and not dread the holiday season.
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On Becoming…
TUTUM JOURNAL Winter 2021
22
Cover Story
A spotlight on the diverse lives of twenty-five inspiring childless/childfree women spurring change across the world.
Stories of Becoming
in every issue Page 4
CONTRIBUTORS Page 5
EDITOR’S LETTER Page 12
Page 5
Childless By Marriage
THE TUTUM SURVEY
Author Sue Fagalde Lick describes the sacrificial fate when a spouse does not want to have children.
Readers reveal what they think about key subjects relevant to the childless community.
Page 14
Diary of A Childless Stepmom
Page 18
GAME CHANGER
Two women give us a peek into their lives as infertile stepmothers.
Spotlighting the achievements of trailblazing childless/childfree women.
Page 28
Page 30
Coming Out For Air
MEDICAL AWAKENING
Queer identified Abby Shull reveals her experience on loss, love and continually coming out.
Examines medical conditions and relevant information of interest to childless/childfree women.
Page 38
Page 32, 34
‘I Deserve To Live A Fulfilling Life’ Affirmation
NAVIGATING AGING
A self-reflective resource to develop a healthy self-image.
Exploring topics, gaining new perspectives, advice, and relevant information associated with women aging without children.
Page 39
How To Create A Vision Board To Reach Your Goals Worksheet A guide to creating a visualization and reminder tool that can inspire.
Page 36
BUILDING BRIDGES A Q&A with industry experts that tackles wide-reaching issues that affect and strengthen the childless community.
VOLUME 1, ISSUE 4, Tutum Journal™ (ISSN 2766-9580) is published quarterly by Tutum Global. For more information about Tutum Journal, please visit us at www.tutumjournal.com, or email us at info@tutumjournal.com. www.tutumjournal.com
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FOUNDER & EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Jobi Tyson
EDITORIAL Charlie Bishop Anita Henderson Brandi Lytle
CONTRIBUTORS Julie Coveney Tanya Hubbard Sarah Jane Kate Kaufmann Sue Fagalde Lick Katie Maynard Mental Health America Abby Shull Michelle Simcox
© 2021 Tutum Global. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in part, or in whole, without prior written permission, excepting brief quotations in connection with reviews written specifically for inclusion in magazines, newspapers, blogs, or limited excerpts strictly for personal use. Designed in the U.S.A. DISCLAIMER: Opinions expressed by the authors are not necessarily those of Tutum Global, disclaiming any liability to any party for the accuracy, completeness, efficacy, or availability of the material contained in this publication.
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TUTUM JOURNAL Winter 2021
EDITOR'S LETTER + FEEDBACK Who Am I Becoming?
I'm writing this Editor's Letter on—hang on, lemme check—on a Tuesday. Going into year two of a global pandemic among other hardships that are stuck to us like glue, I tend to lose count of the days. I’ve gone through every emotion, it seems. From submissive acceptance, to helpless frustration, to anger, to anxiety, to. . . the lifesaving wineglass. The one thing we can all cling to is that this is an experience we are all having at the same time. As isolating as this experience might be, ironically, the childless community have always had that collective experience. With all of us in various stages of becoming, I often get the question: Can I ever unbecome the person that involuntary childlessness made me? We all have moments, days, weeks when we question our place in the world and even more intimately, our place in our family.
Photo: JUSTIN BOWENS
Let me be straight with you: I’m not always strong. Infertility changed me. But sometimes I am dishonest with my own feelings. I rise up every day to help guide a marginalized, often invisible community to recognize the fullness of themselves. It is a selfless charge that takes a lot of time and energy. With this endeavor, sometimes I find myself on E, as I continually fill others. So, I often ask myself, “What am I becoming?”
Jobi Tyson, MBA Instagram: @tutumjournal @childlesswomen Facebook: Facebook.com/childlesswomen YouTube: YouTube.com/childlesswomen
If you’re an empath like me, putting your needs after another’s, don’t deny your true self in the process. It is easy to wear a mask or a forced smile; it’s not always easy to be truthful with ourselves. Speaking of being truthful, one of the best decisions I’ve made is turning my pain into purpose. Becoming a leader in this space with childless/childfree women throughout the world breaking their silence, owning their voice, and beginning their healing journey is gratifying — destigmatizing female childlessness one voice at a time. I can honestly say, I’m proud of who I am becoming. So, as you continue your journey through this thing called life, an important question to ask yourself is, “What am I becoming?” or even more importantly, “Who am I becoming?” As we enter into a new year, know that you’re not broken, but you are breaking like the dawn. It’s a new day. BECOME!
TUTUM SURVEY
WHAT YOU TOLD US To carefully curate each issue’s theme to support and strengthen the mental well-being of involuntarily childless women, we took Instagram polls using question-wording: Are you struggling when it comes to becoming more content and whole?
90% Yes
10% No
Do you like who you’re becoming?
64% Yes
36% No
“Maybe the journey isn't much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't really you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.” – Paulo Coelho www.tutumjournal.com
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How many places do you encounter where you can exhale and be your whole self? You will likely agree that a childless journey contains many moments of isolation and invalidation. Intentionally or not, we tend to constrict our full selves depending on context, relationship, and our emotional state. This instinctual self-preservation
RECLAIMING
YOUR WHOLE SELF ALONG A
CHILDLESS
JOURNEY
makes sense but can lead to a pattern of disconnection from ourselves and our strengths as we unconsciously confirm the narrative that parts of us do not belong. Here are some reflections on the link between childlessness and a fractured sense of self, what might offer healing and reconnection, and ways we can embrace the whole person within our childless community and network of providers.
BY KATIE MAYNARD, MSW, LICSW
Childlessness and Sense of Self There are innumerous ways that childlessness impacts self-image and disconnection. How can we possibly see ourselves clearly while experiencing so much societal invalidation? We start to be defined by what we lack instead of who we are. Sometimes the effort to become a parent puts other parts of personhood on hold. When we smile through our pain, we miss out on practicing the brave authenticity that can affirm that our stories are important to tell and that the courage to share them is worthwhile. Even though it can become a focal point, our childlessness is just one aspect of ourselves. Our lived experiences contain intersecting identities including, but not limited to, race, ethnicity, gender, religion, socioeconomic status, disability, age, sexual identity, and relationship status. Along with pronatalism, we are affected by sexism, racism, singlism, colorism, ableism, and xenophobia. Our truths are often obscured by published research which paints a monolithic description of childlessness (white, medically infertile, heterosexual, married) instead of our complex constellation. Connecting with our whole selves means acknowledging that while our different parts can foster resilience and empowerment, they may have also been locations for injury and trauma which can complicate the pain of childlessness. Those with marginalized identities who are also childless can face yet another place with a lack of power. Given all these factors, it is unsurprising that one’s sense of confident wholeness can be diminished along the journey.
Reclaiming Power and Wholeness The power of defining one’s own story is incredible. The experience of childlessness is rarely an uncomplicated transition where a new status of “non-parent” simply springs forth. Rather, there are lifelong changes, insights, and identity shifts. Just like there are a multitude of ways a person reaches childlessness, there are countless personal narratives comprised of “why?” “how?” and “who am I?” that are defined, refined, celebrated, questioned, discarded, or reshaped.
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To begin to reclaim your narrative, I invite you to reflect on these questions:
. . . . . . .
Think of your purpose as a way of being rather than doing. What are other examples of identity transformation you have experienced? What strengths have you maintained or developed while making meaning of this experience? What were your assumptions of what life would hold and does pivoting from those expectations strain connections to your other identities? How could you bring personal power to an area of your story that has held powerlessness? What has helped you to share your truth with others in the past? Are your stories told or untold? Which parts are aching to be heard?
We can also choose to share our stories externally within relationships, communities, and systems. Doing so can bring awareness and change to areas where we have felt constriction and judgment or where our other childless peers have shared that they experience inequity.
Finding Safety and Connection Locating safe spaces within which to experience and express our true selves is a key step in healing. Realistically we know that not all our interactions will hold the same degree of security. There are incredibly valid reasons to hold back but we also desperately need places where authenticity is treasured. While we can’t avoid every difficult contact, we can seek out and nurture connections with those that replenish and value us. After experiencing harm, reaching out to new supports and friendships often feels emotionally vulnerable. If this is overwhelming it can be helpful to pursue therapy or other supports to increase your ability to feel regulated and secure and to identify what you need from a relationship. As we come together with other childless people, let us also remember to be sensitive to their entire personhood. I’ve noticed that our community engages beautifully through storytelling. We can encourage even more inclusivity through continued openness to others’ experiences as we invite, listen to, and validate the quieter or marginalized parts of our own community and the perspectives they bring.
Embracing Wholeness Within our Support Systems Therapists, providers, and allies, please know this: When you offer refuge, healing, and support for childless people you must also make sure that all parts of their identity are welcomed. The trust needed to build relational safety cannot be present if important aspects of self are left behind. While childlessness might be the reason a person seeks help, we must be sensitive and open to their full personhood, invite discussion about intersecting identities, and do our own learning about the unjust systems within which they may have experienced harm. We need to enact cultural humility and pursue consultation and reflection about our internalized biases that could show up in our relationship. By critically examining our professional training and advocating for the needs of childless people, we can help to create more clinically competent services. I hope that these suggestions have been helpful, and you are inspired to connect more deeply with yourself and your community. By reclaiming our own narratives and valuing the unique stories and identities of our peers, we will affirm this truth: All childless people deserve to be recognized and celebrated in their beautiful wholeness, with the entirety of their personhood speaking loud and clear.
Katie Maynard (@childlessnessintheroom) is a childless therapist and supervisor advocating for greater clinical competency with childless people, based in the U.S. www.katiemaynard.com
www.tutumjournal.com
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On Becoming… BY BRANDI LYTLE
I hear childless women say, “I wish I could go back to the person I was before.” Before infertility, before realizing Mr. Right was never coming along, before the divorce, before whatever circumstance brought one to a childless not by choice life. And that made me ponder… Do I wish I could go back to the person I was before? I mean, she certainly had some great qualities. She was self-assured and knew what she wanted. Confident. But this confidence also came with naiveté. A naïve belief that plans—hopes and dreams—would turn out exactly as she pictured if only she worked hard enough… Do I honestly want to go back to being that person? A naively confident person? I am in year eight of accepting (dare I say, embracing) my childless life. Since the beginning of 2014, I stopped pursuing becoming a mom in the traditional sense. No more infertility treatments. No more adoption meetings. But if I wasn’t going to become a traditional mom, then what was I becoming? Well, in 2014, I became an over-zealous dog mom, fully committed to giving our fur baby the most fantastic life possible. I became the lady who posts updates about her four-legged kid, who throws birthday parties, buys Christmas presents and Easter baskets for the dog… (Though I never refer to Maddie as “the dog.” She’s family.) And in becoming this “crazy dog lady,” I also had to become someone who ignored the eye rolls and dismissive “dog moms aren’t real moms” comments and the criticisms about how many pictures I post of my non-traditional, four-legged kiddo… In 2015, my husband and I had the opportunity to become host parents, opening our home to a foreign exchange student. I grabbed onto this with both hands and fully embraced the chance to take on a full-time parenting role to a two-legged kid (albeit only for six months). In that short time, our foreign exchange daughter became family. And in the past six years, we have continued to nurture a relationship despite living in different countries. So, back to the question—If I wasn’t going to become a traditional mom, then what was I becoming? For me, I was becoming a non-traditional mom—a dog mom and a host mom. I was becoming someone who viewed family as so much more than parents and biological kids. I was becoming an outspoken advocate for childless women fighting to redefine dreams and find joy despite… And I was becoming a person who some loved, and others despised… Recently, I had a falling-out with someone whom I used to be quite close. Over the past decade, we have grown further and further apart. As I tried to figure out where everything went so wrong, I realized… I am not the person I was before. I have been becoming—and will continue to become—a confident childless woman who knows that plans do not always turn out exactly as we imagined and yet, we can still live a joyful life. I am living that joyful life because I have become a person who is willing to redefine. I have also become a person who is not willing to allow others to judge how I have redefined. And the person with whom I grew apart… Well, this person is not willing to accept my dog mom and host mom roles. And thus, in my humble opinion, she is not accepting the woman I’m becoming… I do not want to go back to the naïve person I was before. I want to live this childless life with my eyes wide open. I want to show others that we don’t all fit the mold. In fact, I want to be the person who smashes that mold into a million pieces! And if someone does not like the person that I am becoming… Well, they will be left behind. I am not going to allow anyone to hold me back from becoming…
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TUTUM JOURNAL Winter 2021
Brandi Lytle (@notsomommy) is part of the Tutum Journal editorial team, Founder of Not So Mommy… and creator of the olive green Childless Not By Choice Awareness Ribbon, based in the U.S. www.notsomommy.com
www.tutumjournal.com
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5 TIPS TO EMBRACE THE HOLIDAYS BY TANYA HUBBARD
W
hen living with the experience of being childless not by choice, even if you have found ways to embrace your life, the holidays can still be a tricky time. Family members who just don’t get it, seeing little ones running around, questions ranging from simply ignorant to brutally invasive, and unsolicited advice are just a few of the difficult things we may encounter. Challenges during the holidays may not just be upsetting; it may be activating your nervous system. When that happens, our thinking brain goes offline and jumps into survival mode.
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Here are a few strategies to help manage the issues that come up around the holidays: Know Your Triggers Although this isn’t always possible, because sometimes we get blindsided by something that we couldn’t have predicted, it can be helpful to know your triggers so that you can be prepared with ways to cope. When we know what triggers us, we can enter a situation armed with resources to manage our response and help alleviate distress. You will encounter things that are upsetting, no doubt. First, validate your own emotions, tell yourself that it’s okay that you feel this way, and emotions are neither good nor bad. You may need to walk away, change the subject, or excuse yourself.
Learn Some Self-Regulation Exercises It is not as if we decide to have a difficult time over the holidays. It can be a time where our deepest wounds get poked, causing a nervous system response. For example, if you are in a stage where the sight of a pregnant belly sends you into fight or flight mode, you can build in strategies to regulate and manage your reaction. If you can begin to be aware that it’s happening, you can use some of the tools below to ground yourself in a way that feels safe to be better equipped to handle the situation. •
Extended exhale breath. Breathe in for four counts through your nose, deep into your belly, and then exhale for eight counts through pursed lips. Try to do five to ten cycles of this but if you can’t, even two or three will feel calming. This is like a hack that tells your nervous system you are safe.
•
Come up with an affirmation for those moments. This will be personal to you but may be something like “I am worthy,” “I can get through this,” or “My life is important.”
•
Notice something else around you other than what is upsetting you. If you are having to interact with that person, notice something else about them. If you are simply in a room with something that is triggering, draw your attention to other sights, sounds, smells, and things you might be able to touch.
Set Boundaries Often, we participate in uncomfortable moments because it feels polite or we fear that we will lose connection with people if we don’t. The thing with boundaries is that they actually create space to maintain connection. If we know what our limits are and articulate them to others, we are able to continue to be around each other in a way that feels safe. An example here would be to say, “I’m not comfortable talking about this topic today.” It is simple but now the other person knows what the boundaries are and if they violate them, we can remind them that we clearly stated our boundary. Know that if there is continued boundary violation it is not about you having an unreasonable boundary, but rather, that they have issues honouring them.
Come Armed With What You Will Say This applies to answering questions like “do you have kids” or “do you want kids” but we can also come up with ways to steer the conversation in new directions and change the subject. Is there a topic you actually love talking about and a way you might bring it up in conversation? Ultimately, we need to know how we can take care of ourselves. Establish what you know works for you before entering an event, even if that event is just hanging out with family in your childhood home. As always, some of the experiences of childlessness are universal but you are a unique individual that has your own story and therefore reactions and solutions will vary for each person. Take the opportunity to unpack your specific thoughts and feelings whether that is through therapy, coaching, journaling, or talking to an understanding friend.
Have an Exit Strategy Some situations require an exit strategy because we don’t have the capacity to withstand them for extended periods of time. This might include enrolling in a buddy system with someone we trust that can help us get out of a conversation or a situation entirely, or maybe we arrive saying we have another engagement and will need to leave early. We may end up having the best time and not need to use our exit strategy, but having one in place allows us to use it as a resource when our nervous system might be taking over and we can’t think quite so clearly. Tanya Hubbard (@tanyahubbardcounseling) is a therapeutic counsellor and coach, based in Canada. www.tanyahubbard.com www.tutumjournal.com
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I am childless by marriage. As far as I know, I was fertile and healthy in my reproductive years. I don’t have children because I chose men who wouldn’t or couldn’t have babies with me. Judging by the comments on my Childless by Marriage blog, there are a lot of us. One person may be ready and eager to have children, but their partner has fertility problems, doesn’t want children, is never quite ready, or has already had all the children they want with someone else. Committing to them means no children for you. My first husband didn’t want children, at least not in the six years before he decided he preferred other women to me. My second husband, Fred, already had three kids from his first marriage, and he had had a vasectomy. He was 48; I was 33. We talked about adoption or trying to get the vasectomy reversed, but he finally told me he just didn’t want to start with babies again. He was almost 50. Who could blame him? Should I have looked elsewhere? After a series of miserable post-divorce relationships, I had already come to the conclusion that I would be alone for the rest of my life. I had gone full-tilt into dual careers as a writer and a musician. I had already become something other than a mother. I grieved my loss of children and was hellish on Mother’s Day, but I became used to the idea, especially after menopause ended any possibility of giving birth. Trying to explain my situation to the mothering world is always difficult. It would be less confusing to people if I said we had fertility problems. Of course, then they would ask, “Why didn’t you adopt?” When I’d say Fred was not willing to have more children, they might ask why I didn’t leave him. Because I loved him, and I knew I wouldn’t find anyone better. Because my life had become what it was supposed to be. Even after he died of Alzheimer’s disease in 2011, I never regretted our time together. I started the Childless by Marriage blog in 2007, following it with my Childless by Marriage book. More than 750 posts later, I’m amazed there’s always something more to say on the subject. The childless life is truly different from the lives of people who are parents. The repercussions ripple out in never-ending waves. We have nothing in common with our friends who have kids. There are no back-to-school days, graduations, or weddings to mark the stages of our lives. No one coming after us on the family tree. No grandchildren. No one to care for us in old age. Also, no need to worry about babysitters, school schedules, or college expenses. Most of my readers are much younger than I am. In their 20s, 30s, and 40s, they’re still trying to figure out who they will become. They’re torn. Should they leave their partner in the hope of finding someone who will give them children? Should they try to have children on their own using a sperm donor or adopting? Should they bet on something better or stick with what they have? If they stay, which partner gets to have what they want, children or a childless life? There are no happy answers to these questions, so most stay, wondering what if? I did that, too, thinking maybe something would change. Maybe my husband would decide we could have children, or maybe somehow, miraculously, I would get pregnant. That wishful thinking ended with menopause. The in-between space where the hope for children is fading away with every passing day is the most painful place. You feel the need to do something, but what? Should you throw away a relationship that is good in every other way? If you have always wanted to be a mother or father, shouldn’t you pursue that? But what if you never love anyone as much as the partner you have now? I don’t know all the answers, but I do have a few suggestions. Take a breath. Talk about it. I know our mates don’t always want to talk. Give them a little time. Find a way to approach the subject without accusations and threats. Maybe say, “I love you so much, and I want to understand . . .” You could each write a letter explaining your feelings. You could try counseling. Maybe there’s a good reason or an obstacle that you can help them get over. Or not. Don’t give up too quickly. If you truly love someone, you have to accept them as they are. If up until now, this person was The One, maybe he or she still is. If the relationship is new and you haven’t established any strong ties, then adios. Tell them it’s a deal breaker and move on. But if you have given everything to this relationship, perhaps it’s meant to be. Ultimately, you need to ask yourself these questions: 1) Am I happy with my life as it is right now? If nothing changes, can I remain happy with this person? 2) Do I love this person enough to choose him or her over the children I might have had? 3) Will I be devastated if I never have children? 4) Am I willing to risk ending up childless and alone—or becoming a single parent? Make a choice. Whatever you do, I believe you will become the person you’re supposed to be, with a baby in your arms, or childless by marriage.
Sue Fagalde Lick (@suefagaldelick) is the author of Childless by Marriage and Love or Children: When You Can’t Have Both and a proud childless elderwoman. She blogs at www.childlessbymarriage.com and www.unleashedinoregon.com, based in the U.S. www.suelick.com.
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DIARY OF A
CHILDLESS STEPMOM BY SARAH JANE AND JULIE COVENEY
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www.tutumjournal.com
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I was having my hair cut by a friend who owns a salon in our small town. Another friend of hers was in having her hair dyed, and we were all chatting. There was a lull in the conversation, and the other woman asked me THE question… “So, do you have kids?” I say 'no.' The salon owner says, “Well, no, you have a kid; you have Arthur.” She then turns to her friend and says, “Her stepson.” Her friend rightfully looks confused, and I feel, well, frozen. I don't feel like explaining or defending my childlessness. So, I don't say anything. There is an awkward silence, and then the salon owner fills the void by talking about her daughter. I know the salon owner's intentions were good, but the impact wasn't aligned with her intentions. Her attempt to include me as another mum who could join in the conversation about their kids left me feeling invisible. Being a childless step-mum is a no (wo) man's land. It's a shape-shifting identity without a solid place to anchor, to ground. I have a foot in both the childless and parent worlds, but I often don't feel that I entirely belong, or am fully accepted, in either. I have enough experience with my stepson to join 'mum' conversations and pass myself off as a legitimate group member. In the deep grief of infertility from experiencing multiple miscarriages and chronic medical conditions resulting in a hysterectomy, this was a coping mechanism I sank into; this was my denial stage. Pretending in this way allowed me to join in and feel included. This strategy served me a bit, but I frequently felt like I was lying, intentionally misleading people into thinking I was Arthur's mum. This felt wrong on several levels. I had pretended so well that a few people thought I was his mother; I didn't correct them at the time but eventually had to come clean with a few very awkward conversations. They were graceful and brushed it off with well-meaning but misguided comments. When I identify as childless to others, I feel that I am erasing my stepson and the important roles we play in each other's lives. It’s like I have to make him invisible for me to be fully seen, as if there isn't enough room for us both and our experiences. In addition, childless friends have said that they don't consider me childless because of my relationship with Arthur. But, again, this denies my experience of trying and failing to have a child of my own and the profound sense of loss that I feel because of it. I am a big believer in the 'AND.' That we are multi-dimensional. That we can occupy multiple identities, and one doesn't diminish the other. I identify as childless not by choice; however, I feel that there needs to be an 'AND.' I'm childless and a step mum. Hopefully, these three letters, A–N–D, will be enough to inspire others to pause and give some thought as to why they need to be there in the first place. I say need because I need to feel a sense of belonging somewhere, and I often don't. So perhaps those three letters can begin to carve out a space for myself and others—a place where our whole experience is welcomed.
Sarah Jane Sarah Jane (@embodiedpossibility) is an embodiment teacher whose focus is to support childless not by choice women, based in Canada. www.embodiedpossibility.com
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Journey with me from diagnosis to destiny with MRKH, a form of infertility. MRKH is known as MayerRokitansky-Küster-Hauser Syndrome. It is rare: 1 in 5,000 women are born with MRKH. We are born without a uterus. Diagnosed in 1970, as a young college student, I was engaged to be married. Up until that point, my dream of being a mom was very real. My fiancé and I looked forward to starting our family one day. Coming from a family of six, and having two older sisters and an older brother, I watched my sisters and sisterin-law as they started their families. Seeing their sweet babies in the family fueled my desire to be a mom. My dream was swept away completely. Being young and finding out that I could never bear children was devastating beyond description. Immediately, grief rocked my world. At such a young age, I didn’t know how to grieve. My fiancé and I broke up after I told him my news. Immediately mad at God, I questioned Him, “Why did you make me a woman that could not have children?” It did not make sense at all. Left psychologically impaired at this news, my life thereafter looked impossible since being a mom was all I ever wanted. Remarkably, God had a whole other plan I could never have imagined. A few years later, I met my now husband of 46 years. His name is Terry, and he had two beautiful red-headed daughters. I still yearned to adopt a baby. My husband’s son died years earlier and he wasn’t ready to adopt, and I understood. Wishing our girls were with us full time still left me unsure of myself as a mom. But I fell in love with his daughters the moment I saw Lori and Kim. Their sweet, freckled faces, shiny red hair, and their willingness to meet their Daddy’s friend made our introduction extraordinary. After Terry and I married, unfortunately, they would not come to live with us full time until they were in high school. So, we soaked up our weekends, holidays, and summers together. We made the best of what we had. I focused on being loving, accepting, and expected that from them. At first, there was some friction, but time and love took care of that. As MRKH caused me to search for my identity, I left my teaching position of eight years and became a realtor. I was trying to fill a void. Over the next 20 years, I became successful by the world’s standard but still felt empty inside. My relationship with my girls today is as if I gave birth to them. I am their mother, yet they have their birth mother in their lives too. All relationships take time. Over the years, my girls have opened their hearts to me as though I am their mom. They always called me by my first name, which is fine. They refer to their birth mom as Mom, and that’s okay with me too. I feel grateful that their birth mom and I can be together, and we enjoy each other. To be a mother, what is important is the love that is in your heart. God blessed me with my girls and hindsight (on questioning God) is, as they say, 20/20. The advice I’d give any stepmom today is to love your stepchildren and allow the love they have for their birth mom to be what it is. Express love as inclusive, not exclusive.
Julie Coveney Julie Coveney is a speaker, encourager, and author of three books, including her memoir, More Reason to Know Him, based in the U.S.
www.tutumjournal.com
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GAME CHANGER
The Art of Balancing
Female Hormones BY JOBI TYSON
A
na G. Herrera suffered from stage IV endometriosis
JT: Okay, so before we get into Hormone University, what were your previous careers? What was life like for you before Hormone
for years and went through five surgeries, infertility, failed IVF,
University?
and surgical menopause. Like her, 80% of the adult female
AH: I spent over 17 years in the beauty industry. I worked for well-known
population experience hormone imbalances. She realized
brands, some of them I'm sure you know, John Frieda hair care brand
there is a lot to be done and learned to make the right health
is one of them, the body care brand Jergens, and then other skincare
choices; since education is the foundation of many areas of
brands in Europe. In the beauty industry, I oversaw commercial strategy
wellness within communities. After her personal experience,
and international expansion, heading Global Sales and Marketing for
Ana decided this obstacle in her life would become her
these brands.
mission to help others through education and products to help support hormonal imbalances.
JT: So, what led you from the beauty industry to starting Hormone
Knowing there’s a lot to be done and learned, she started
University?
Hormone University, an educational platform with the mission
AH: My personal experience with my endometriosis. When I went
to improve hormonal health by educating, supporting, and empowering women to achieve better hormone health and lead a happy life.
through that obstacle in my life, I decided that there is a gap. There is a problem with education in hormonal health. That's why I decided to create Hormone University. We research and provide easily digestible
On a mission to improve hormonal health, the 45-year-old New
components of resources and I think it's important to mention that we
Yorker hailing from Spain concedes the importance of turning
have something called the Wellness Center that you can get for free
pain into power and shedding light on the serious effects that
when you subscribe. It's like a journal that you can use. We have recipes
hormonal imbalance can have throughout your whole body.
as well. There is really a lot of information that we provide for free.
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JT: How do you find fulfillment beyond childlessness and how
JT: Since the right questions depend on the specific condition,
do you cope?
what do you think would have been the right questions for you?
AH: I have filled my life with purpose and I have made a huge
AH: First of all, instead of giving me birth control, what can I
sacrifice creating two businesses but they are the most rewarding
do myself to help hormonally? That's question number one. It's
sacrifices that I have made. Hormone University and my newly
just given, right? The doctor says to you oh, take birth control.
launched business Glow Botanica, which provides natural products
But what are the side effects of birth control? What is going to
for hormonal health. These two companies have become my
happen to my body? What can happen to me? I don't want to read
children. There are many ways to think about children, right? I truly
a prospect. I mean, I don't understand this language. So, that's
want that message to kind of create a significance for women. I think
another question when you see my case, like surgical menopause,
when you have a purpose in life, like, if life has deprived you of having
what happens when you go through a laparoscopy? What
children, you can do other things. You can help so many other people
happens to me before and after? What should I prepare for? How
with that. My second important area is my relationships. I am a great
can I prepare? I could go on forever.
auntie to eight nieces and nephews. I have wonderful goddaughters as well and I am actually keeping those relationships active and really nurturing them. But, I think that the freedom that it gives you— being childless—I think I'm also very grateful for that. I can pick up and go for the weekend somewhere without having to think about little ones so it is so much freedom. You have to look at the bright side. You have to look at all the great things that that would provide you in life. So yeah, that's really where I am right now. JT: So, let’s touch on making a huge sacrifice for Hormone University, in particular. Can you expound on that? AH: Well, I think that when you go through something yourself, it’s such a big obstacle in your life. At least for me, personally, I think that if I can just convert that obstacle into something that helps others is extremely gratifying and rewarding. It's a negative into a positive, right? That's my company that I think that many, many entrepreneurs you know, we met especially, right? We have very high levels of empathy, we want to help others, and we can turn that negative experience into something positive. So I had honestly no clue about hormones, zero. I had no idea. I was lucky. I had a great doctor, but my God, I had to reach so much myself. I didn't know what menopause meant. When you go through a full hysterectomy, when you go through surgery, that's called surgical menopause, which is induced because you have no more ovaries. I had no idea what that meant. I'm lucky. I have an education. How many women out there don't know, because we're not told in school? So that's the objective of Hormone University. I want every female from the moment they are going through puberty, until the moment they are going through menopause or post-menopause to educate themselves and understand what's going on with our bodies. We believe we should all have equal access to wellness resources. Our aim is to educate on a holistic lifestyle with the help of experts and address all types of hormone disorders, including adrenal health, thyroid health, blood sugar health, women’s health, and men’s health. That's why I thought it was imperative that women understand more so that they can advocate for themselves, so they can ask the right questions.
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I think that when you go through something yourself, it’s such a big obstacle in your life. At least for me, personally, I think that if I can just convert that obstacle into something that helps others, it is extremely gratifying and rewarding.
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JT: What are the right questions for women wanting to test their
JT: So, what don't we know about hormonal health that you want
hormones?
women to know?
AH: That's another one that we are raising a lot of content around.
AH: Oh, great question. Firstly, hormonal imbalance is something
What do people even know? They have the choice to test their
you can take control of. The second point is that hormonal
hormones. Then once we receive the test, how do I read those
imbalance can affect many areas of your health. You know how
results? What does that mean to my own life? What products can
these days with our culture, oh you have depression here is an
I take? What kind of supplements and what kind of creams do I
antidepressant? That might just be a hormonal imbalance. I think
take? There are so many different things, such as Glow Botanica.
another point I want to make is that for women, typically because
This is our line of natural products that help women at every
they don't know, they don't ask. So, the importance of hormonal
cycle of her life as it pertains to hormonal imbalance from PMS to
imbalance and how you can take care of yourself, is take control
menopause. But, we're gonna have to do so much more education
in a natural way whenever possible.
around it because people don't know they have the option. JT: What are some signs that it's time to get hormonal testing? JT: Speaking of options, what should women understand and know about hormones?
How do you know when it's something of caution? AH: I think that you know when something's off in your body.
AH: When we talk about hormones, we think, reproduction, right?
You might be going through a lot of pain and a lot of pain is not
We think she's hormonal, she's just crying. Well, actually no.
normal. That’s your body telling you something. That's the point
Hormone health, first of all, affects everybody, men and women.
where you go to the OB-GYN or naturopathic doctor and say, I
It plays an essential role in our bodies. They are chemicals that
don't know what's going on with me. You might have difficulty
are produced by glands, those glands are not just in women,
sleeping, you might have digestive issues with gas, really bad
they're also in men. So, we can all have hormonal imbalances. It's
bloating, or even vaginal dryness, or decreased libido. Although
really important that we spread that message. The heart rate is
very common, most people are like, oh, I'm going to go on a diet or
regulated by hormones, metabolism and appetite, sleep cycles,
I need to go to the gym. Maybe it's just that you have a hormonal
hormone reproduction, sexual function, growth and development,
imbalance. Those are just some examples that are signs. Many,
our body temperature, our mood, and our stress levels. It's such
many factors can be signs of hormonal imbalance.
an important subject so when people say to me, oh, you're an expert, I always say, I’m far from it. I still have so much to learn. Yes, I am learning every single day, that's for sure. JT: Let’s dig a little deeper into women who have had failed IVF attempts, perinatal loss and/or medications that have affected their hormonal health in which often led to hormonal balance therapy. What’s your advice for these women? AH: I would often say to try, and if possible, how they can help themselves naturally. So, how we help is by providing information. Just to give you one example, on the variety of testing that is available in the market right now. Before they go on any hormonal treatments, it's possible for you to heal slowly, holistically, and naturally, and we will always promote that. With treatment, you
JT: Looking back, what advice would you give to your 20-yearold self? AH: I love this question. Not to worry so much. Oh, I think I'm going to cry right now. JT: Take your time. I ask everybody that I interview this question. It's such a reflective question. AH: Yeah. Not to worry so much. Everything turns out to be okay. Also, to enjoy life more. I am a hard-working person sometimes, but I have to remind myself that it's okay to take breaks and to take care of myself. I would also tell my 20-year-old self to always think about what you will not regret by not doing.
always have to ask your doctor, of course. Do your homework is always our message, as you have the capacity and learn about how you can help yourself hormonally, then it's up to you. You have to do your homework.
Find out more about Ana and your hormonal health: @hormoneuniversity www.hormone-university.com @getglowbotanica
www.glowbotanica.com
Photos: JOSIAH CUNEO
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Stories of Becoming BY JOBI TYSON
Childless women may think that they are alone in this experience. But they’re not. The very existence of such large numbers of childless/ childfree women gives us perspective on childlessness in the present. But in actuality, childlessness — whether by nature, circumstance or choice — has existed for women throughout the world for centuries. We might think that we’re living in a unique situation with little to guide us. Instead, the long history of childlessness can help us break the stigmas and own our voices. It’s time to draw on the vast human experience with childlessness. Twenty-five diverse women spanning three generations across five continents –from a leading activist in the United Kingdom, a psychotherapist in Ireland, a young Kenyan chef, a life purpose coach in Thailand, an American actor and filmmaker to a Jamaicanborn fashion designer– constitute a vivid oral history of female childlessness around the world. 22
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Jody Day, 57, Ireland
Photo: TERESA WALTON
A psychotherapist, an author, and the British founder of Gateway Women. @gatewaywomen www.gateway-women.com "Due to early ambivalence followed by unexplained infertility in my marriage, which broke down under the strain, I then experienced social infertility as I was unable to find a partner to try IVF with. "
I AM compassionate and radical.
Raxann Chin, United States
Photo: BERETTE MACAULEY
Artivist, fashion designer, and founder of Femhéka. @raxannchin @femheka www.femheka.com www.saveourjamaica.org "Acute appendicitis from childhood caused infertility and childlessness."
I AM magical and powerful.
BonnieRuth Rolf, 41, United States The host of the podcast “Barren Not Broken.” @barrennotbroken www.barrennotbroken.com "After nineteen years of infertility and chronic health issues, it was time to make the hard decision to have a hysterectomy. We had spent years trying to adjust to my health issues. We tried a lot of treatments, methods, and doctors but sadly, we came to the point where quality of life was more important to us. It was time to adjust our efforts from becoming parents to thriving as "just the two of us." That has placed us in a new unprepared reality of childlessness."
I AM brave and hopeful.
Naomi Geidel, 45, Thailand Certified life purpose/transition coach and educator. @acreativepurpose www.naomigeidel.com
Photo: CHAR
"Due to extended singleness, I am childless not by choice."
I AM creative and adventurous.
Aisha Balesaria, 41, United Kingdom Certified coach, infertility educator, and the founder of mindbodyrevival_coach. @mindbodyrevival_coach www.mindbodyrevivalcoach.com "A diagnosis of stage 4 endometriosis revealed the primary cause of my infertility. The next ten years entailed multiple rounds of unsuccessful IVF, four miscarriages, and eventually, leaving the process childless."
I AM a childless woman of colour who’s here to take up space and I no longer sit in silence about infertility or being childless in order to make others feel comfortable. www.tutumjournal.com
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Lesley Pyne, 59, United Kingdom A blogger and author of Finding Joy Beyond Childlessness. @lesleypynefindingjoy www.LesleyPyne.co.uk "We started trying for children when I was thirty-five (probably too late), and accepted that we would be childless following six unsuccessful rounds of IVF."
I AM creative, thoughtful, courageous, determined and at peace.
Katy Seppi, 39, United States The founder of Chasing Creation. @chasing.creation www.chasingcreation.org "My infertility was caused by endometriosis and fibroids."
I AM adaptable and resilient.
Yvonne John, 51, United Kingdom British author, blogger, public speaker, and activist for childless women of colour. @y.vonnej www.findingmyplanb.com Photo: JAY HUNJAN, PUURE
"I was unable to conceive after three years of naturally trying with my then husband in October 2014. At age 43, I received the diagnosis, unexplained infertility, which spiralled me into an unimaginable world of grief."
I AM courageous and extraordinary.
Kate Kaufmann, 69, United States International author, speaker, and group facilitator. Twitter: @kaufmannkate www.katekaufmann.com "Growing up I was ambivalent about having kids, then tried unsuccessfully due to endometriosis and unexplained infertility."
I AM a proud elder and unabashed about speaking my truth.
Tracey B. Wilson, United States Actor/filmmaker and live event host. @traceybwilson www.traceybwilson.com "Having advanced Lyme disease in college left me with a weakened immune system and the inability to conceive."
I AM joyous and resilient. 24
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Tanya Hubbard, Canada Therapeutic counsellor and coach. @tanyahubbardcounseling www.tanyahubbard.com "After years of trying to become a parent, I was told by doctors that a large fibroid was likely preventing my ability to conceive. Once it was removed, I became pregnant. I lost that baby and after a series of difficult and expensive interventions I never conceived again. Eventually, I had to stop the pursuit for my own mental, emotional, spiritual, and financial health, leaving me permanently childless."
I AM curious and compassionate.
Dina de Coteau, 41, United States A Public Health Advisor for the United States federal government. @dinasaurl_irl "I had a hysterectomy at the age of 35 due to extremely large fibroids that stretched my uterus."
I AM caring and resilient.
Jan Bowen, United States
Photo: PERRY STANFIELD
Author, speaker, catalyst, and transformational coach. @jlbowen13 www.janlbowen.com "I wasn't aware that I was childless until much later in life. I never had the same burning desire for children that other girls and women had, despite loving kids intensely, even to the extent of becoming a teacher. Undiagnosed endometriosis caused extreme pain and problems from an early age. I believe nature led me to other paths, protecting me from wanting children of my own."
I AM evolving and complete.
Penny Rabarts, 48, Australia A lover of travel, a blogger, and curator of the Facebook group “Childless and Childfree Women in Australia and New Zealand.” @pennyrabarts www.thechildlesswanderer.com "I always thought I'd have a family. I wasn't in a hurry. I travelled, I worked, I dated, I never met the "father." I grieved a life not lived and veered off the main road as the family caravans pushed me to the outside lane. I created my own family, with friends and my furries."
I AM joyful and adventurous.
Katy DeJong, 41, United States A sex-educator who helps those impacted by infertility and childlessness. @thepleasureanarchist www.thepleasureanachist.com "Unexplained infertility led to childlessness."
I AM kind and feisty.
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Nashuda Augustine, 43, United States STEM teacher and NYU graduate student studying to become a high school guidance counselor. @nashty_pop "I was suffering from endometriosis and multiple fibroids, which led to a full hysterectomy and involuntary childlessness in 2019."
I AM strong and compassionate.
Adriana Castro, 46, Mexico
Founder of Call2action, a psychologist, speaker, trainer, instructor, and magazine columnist. @adricdmx www.cta.org.mx "I didn't find a man to start a family with and became childless due to social infertility. When I reached 40, I decided to let go of my dream of being a mother. I understood that I had to let go of the idea of how "my life should be" and start living with what I did have."
I AM happy and imperfect.
Andrea B. Clement, 50, United States Writer and healthcare media consultant. Instagram: @abcjr Twitter: @andreasantiago www.clem.co "I became childless one heartbreak at a time, via countless lost hopes and dreams and three decades of dating, marriage, divorce, miscarriage, and broken promises. All the time, I believed that one day I'd be a mother, until the clock finally ran out. I then had to accept that motherhood was out of reach forever, forcing me to embrace a new focus and purpose, channeling my energy and dreams elsewhere to find contentment and peace with childlessness."
I AM childless and enough.
Isah Kushma, 43, United States Online fitness and yoga instructor. @isahmaazingfitness "I made the conscious choice to be childfree at age fifteen. I knew that child rearing was not my calling in life."
I AM confident and full of gratitude.
Katie Maynard, 46, United States Childless therapist and supervisor advocating for greater clinical competency with childless people. @childlessnessintheroom www.katiemaynard.com "I'm embracing a childless life after a combination of finding my partner later in life, a rapidly closing fertility window, and financial reality."
I AM evolving and enough. 26
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Catrina Dupuis, 49, United States A blogger sharing life after infertility. @celebratewithcatrina www.celebratewithcatrina.com "I was diagnosed with low egg reserve/advanced maternal age and my husband was diagnosed with male factor. We chose not to pursue other avenues to become parents and we have a fulfilled life as a family of two."
I AM emotionally connected and healed.
Gerri Bauer, 65, United States
Photo: PETER D. BAUER
A novelist, blogger, and former journalist. @gerri.bauer www.gerribauer.com "From a decade of infertility and two pregnancies ending in early miscarriages, I was diagnosed with endometriosis, fibroids, tipped uterus from endometrial scarring, and thyroid disorders."
I AM happy and grateful for the blessings in my life.
Brandi Lytle, 44, United States Founder of Not So Mommy… and creator of the olive green Childless Not by Choice Awareness Ribbon. @notsomommy www.notsomommy.com "I became childless not by choice due to endometriosis, infertility, and more."
I AM joyful and redefining.
Susan Kihatha, 28, Kenya Chef and caterer. @chefsusank "As a teen, I was diagnosed with vaginal agenesis (Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser or MRKH syndrome)."
I AM amazing and I am worthy of life and love despite all the infertility hurdles.
Sue Fagalde Lick, 69, United States Author of Childless by Marriage and Love or Children: When You Can’t Have Both and a proud childless elderwoman. @suefagaldelick www.suelick.com "Childless by marriage due to my partner opting not to have children."
I AM youthful and persistent.
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raise an eyebrow at my sexuality—or my growing taxidermy collection. He played Dolly Parton songs for me on dive bar jukeboxes. He got me. Until this point, my plan for becoming a parent was a “Sure, one day it will happen, no rush” sort of thing. But as 40 approached, and our relationship grew, something started to set in. I wanted to have a kid. We both did. Dammit... We figured it might be tough, but my fertility blood work “looked pretty good,” and I had known a lot of pregnant 40-year-olds, right? We rang in 2020 engaged, happy, and ready. If we were the type of people who wrote holiday letters, 2020’s recap would be more dismal than the one my grandma wrote one year, including a detailed account of her cat’s gastrointestinal hemorrhaging. Billy’s dad got sick. Really fast. A 3 am phone call. It was my first time experiencing a Comfort Cart, where the hospital wheels out this bizarre tray of snacks when things are looking dire. You are about to watch a loved one die. Have some saltines. The frantic beeping of machines after they took him off the ventilator. Billy and his mom just staring down. Our small mountain wedding was two weeks away. We cancelled it, which a global pandemic was about to do anyways. We holed up in our apartment, grieving, wondering when this would all feel real.
BY ABBY SHULL
But, we started trying. Three IUI rounds, each one ending with me tearfully pleading for a pink line to appear on a stick. On to the big guns—IVF. Each night, Billy gave me three “nightly injections,” a joke that got old quickly. We even had a cute little sharps bin, which lived next to the spice rack. People told us to stay positive! I felt like a
I’m getting married today. I didn’t exactly imagine My Special Day involving a clipboard passed through a clerk window in the same building people pay their property taxes. But here we are.
swollen fire-breathing dragon whose eyelids had been taped open, forced to watch a weepy Lifetime movie marathon. I joined online IVF support groups but found desperate diets, supplement lists, foreign acronyms, women with several rounds, and years of war stories I couldn’t measure up to. Those who got their Magic Baby said to keep going! We are told it’s the only way out. Yet even with IVF, my odds of getting a baby hovered around 10%. At the clinic, in the wealthiest part of town, there were pictures of these magic babies everywhere, their pudgy little grins selling flickers of hope at a bewildering price tag. I saw how much privilege and access we had to
The man I’m marrying is different from the kind of person I imagined as well. For starters, he’s a man. About eight years ago, I was cozily partnered up with a tattooed girlfriend, one of many over the years. We lived with our two geriatric little dogs in a hip basement apartment in San Francisco. Well, long story short, she and I didn’t work out. I moved back to San Diego. Proudly hailing from the Isle of Lesbos for a long time, I found myself perusing brochures for Man Land. Funny thing, that sexuality.
even try treatment, where so many others did not. I called BS on the whole industry. Meanwhile, I was feeling all the loss and disappointment, the trauma to my body and heart. It messed with my head. But I hung on to that little tealight of hope. I cupped my hands around it when no one was looking. It blew out, with a call from the lab. The doctor called the next day with condolences and plans for the next round. I was wrecked and I swore that I couldn’t do it again.
It took some time to get acquainted with it, trying on new identity
But… what if the next one is it?
labels like stiff new shoes out of the box. I agonized over elaborate
After a two-month break and the doctor’s revised recipe of drugs
explanations, making sure people knew I hadn’t attended some
to pump me full of, we started round two. We now had a morning
horrendous conversion therapy camp or something. Soon, I was just
injection, which we did in a fast-food parking lot on the drive to Billy’s
sharing my queerness regularly, easily in conversations. It was simple.
childhood home where we gathered to finally bury his dad.
Turns out I can dig all sorts of people romantically. I’ve learned that I don’t owe any more explanation than that.
We returned right before the second egg retrieval, a surgery the doctor called my “harvest.” It made me wonder if she was in a cult. Ten
When I came out on dates with men, most were either intimidated, or
embryos this time! Then the wait. It was like putting all your money in
creepily fascinated. But, Billy was witty soothingly awkward, and didn’t
a slot machine and watching it spin for a week.
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I read somewhere that involuntary childlessness is an intangible loss, one that doesn’t have a specific point in time. For me, it was a Monday at 2 pm. I pulled over when the lab called. The four remaining embryos, our chance at having a baby, had stopped developing and would be tossed out. That was it. We had agreed to two rounds. I will never have a baby, I thought. It was sunny. I drove home slowly, through our neighborhood of 1950’s faded gingerbread homes and balding artificial grass. A ping pong table with a FREE sign. I will never have a baby. The doctor didn’t even call this time. She knew we were done, they got paid. Poof. I turned 42. I got “Have a great birthday!” texts while I absently watched hours of cooking shows from bed. I hung a punching bag in the garage. On good days, there were appropriate exercise outfits, boxing workouts from online videos, and a Riot Grrrl playlist. On bad days, I was barefoot at 1 am, swearing and walloping at that bag with everything I had, hurling the gloves against the wall.
a rule by not being the whole heteronormative package. Predictably,
I went about daily life in the way women are taught to function
I get a pity face, their neighbor’s sister’s 42-year-old cousin’s miracle
normally despite dragging around the weight of unspoken things.
baby story, advice. Or they simply change the subject or get quiet. A
The kinds of trauma and loss that don’t get a Comfort Cart wheeled
voice sometimes warns me that I shared too much. I made it weird. But
out, where people give you “space” you didn’t ask for. Work in COVID
my grocery store friend reminded me, I’m not too much of anything! I’m
times felt excruciating, everyone heroically flashing toddlers in Zoom
not the pink-haired elephant in the room—their silence is.
meetings while I privately winced with grief. I considered wearing
I remember when I started dating men, deleting all my pictures on
my 50-pound dog Angus in a baby carrier during the next meeting. “Motherhood is the hardest job of all, am I right ladies?”
social media that featured an ex-girlfriend, saying it was to avoid creepy inquiries. But I was erasing myself. I won’t ever do that again.
One day at a grocery store, the woman ringing me up admired my pink
No elaborate explanations or apologies.
hair.
It’s only been a few months. The turd and garbage layer cake of grief
“I would love to try that, but not sure how it would look on me.” Her hair
is still pretty fresh out of the oven for me to be any wise messenger of
is pulled back in a bun. She gets out her wallet to show me her ID. I
healing here. When something reminds me, like workplace squeals of joy
compliment her curls that take up the picture.
at another gender theatrics baby announcement, I can hold it together
“Well, that was before my miscarriage, then lots of my hair fell out,” she explains, in the same chirpy voice. Like there was nothing to it.
pretty well. Then later that day I might accidentally break a glass or something. And suddenly I’m flooded again. Other days, I enjoy leisurely cooking a meal with Billy, and the fact that I did not actually have to eject a human being from my body, which is nice. I am allowed my grief,
The other day, a coworker at our non-profit that helps children and
even if I have these moments where I come up for air, even if we loved
families, made a comment implying that employees who are parents
ourselves enough to stop treatment when we did. Just like I am allowed
themselves are better at this work. I pause.
my queerness, even though the person next to me is a dude.
“Well, I think people like me who couldn’t have kids are just as good
So, with this clipboard, I thee wed. As we shared our elopement plans
at empathizing with parents,” I said. She apologized and corrected
this week, we got wedding wishes, lots of people relieved that for once
herself. I feel both terrified and powerful.
we didn’t have dismal news. “You deserve happiness!” they cheered. Yes.
Sometimes the struggle is more than not being able to bring a kid into this world. It’s being constantly reminded that I don’t have a place where I fit in it. So, I am making one. I have started to come out. This time about involuntary childlessness and our story. Casually, when the opportunity comes up, just like I do about my sexuality. There are plenty of opportunities; I’ve noticed that the question “Do you have kids?” is asked far more frequently now that I am with a man. Apparently, I broke
And I deserve sadness too, and rage. And peace, and snort laughter. The beeping hospital machines, the phone call from the lab. That perfect night way out in the desert under a million stars when Billy and I agreed we should get hitched. Each time I come out and delight in making it weird. They’re all me; they’ll each pop in once in a while. There’s room for them all in the front row of today’s ceremony, next to the parking meters and San Diego’s tourist-filled waterfront. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Abby Shull (@middlegirl02) is a social services worker, mutual aid community member, camper, maker, and collector of oddities, based in the U.S. www.tutumjournal.com
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MEDICAL AWAKENING
Seasonal Depression: How To Recognize It
With temperatures cooling and days getting shorter, some people may begin showing signs of seasonal depression. Seasonal depression, also known as seasonal affective disorder (SAD) or the "winter blues," is a subtype of depression or bipolar disorder that occurs and ends around the same time every year. Four out of five people who have seasonal depression are women. Seasonal depression typically occurs when the seasons change, and most symptoms begin in the fall and continue into the winter months. However, seasonal depression can occur in the summer or spring, although this is less common.
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Prevention Since seasonal depression has a predictable pattern of recurrence, preventative measures may help reduce symptoms. Some forms of prevention that can help include beginning light therapy in the early fall before the onset of symptoms, exercising more, increasing the amount of light at home, meditation and other stress management techniques, spending more time outside, and visiting climates that have more sun.
Causes •
The reduced level of sunlight in the fall and winter months may affect an individual’s serotonin, a neurotransmitter that affects mood. Lower levels of serotonin have been shown to be linked to depression. Brain scans have shown that people who had seasonal depression in the winter had higher levels of a serotonin transporter protein that removed serotonin than individuals who did not have seasonal depression.
•
Melatonin, a sleep-related hormone secreted by the pineal gland in the brain, has been linked to seasonal depression. This hormone, which can affect sleep patterns and mood, is produced at increased levels in the dark. Therefore, when the days are shorter and darker, the production of this hormone increases. Melatonin can also affect an individual's circadian rhythm, or "biological clock," resulting in ‘internal clocks’ being out of sync with ‘external clocks,’ or the usual sleep/wake rhythms. This can result in some of the symptoms associated with seasonal depression.
Symptoms Symptoms of seasonal depression are typically consistent with those that occur with depression, and sometimes it can be difficult to tell if someone has seasonal depression or other types of depression. Symptoms that are typically more common in seasonal depression than in other forms of depression are carbohydrate craving, increased appetite, excessive sleepiness, and weight gain. A diagnosis of seasonal depression can be made after two consecutive occurrences of depression that occur and end at the same time every year, with the symptoms subsiding the rest of the year. Specific symptoms of seasonal depression can include:
• • • • • • • •
Depression: misery, guilt, loss of self-esteem, hopelessness, diminished interest in activities, despair, and apathy Anxiety: tension and inability to tolerate stress Mood changes: extremes of mood and, in some, periods of mania in spring and summer Sleep problems: desire to oversleep and difficulty staying awake or, sometimes, disturbed sleep and early morning waking Lethargy: feeling of fatigue and inability to carry out normal routine Overeating: craving for starchy and sweet foods resulting in weight gain Social problems: irritability and desire to avoid social contact Sexual problems: loss of libido and decreased interest in physical contact
Treatment •
Phototherapy or bright light therapy has been shown to suppress the brain’s secretion of melatonin. Although there have been no research findings to definitely link this therapy with an antidepressant effect, light therapy has been shown to be effective in up to 85 percent of diagnosed cases. Patients remain in light up to ten times the intensity of normal domestic lighting up to four hours a day but may carry on normal activities such as eating or reading while undergoing treatment. The device most often used today is a bank of white fluorescent lights on a metal reflector and shield with a plastic screen.
•
If phototherapy does not work, an antidepressant drug may prove effective in reducing or eliminating symptoms, but there may be unwanted side effects to consider. Discuss your symptoms thoroughly with your doctor and/or mental health professional.
•
In some studies, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has also been shown to be effective; however, research is limited.
Contributed by Mental Health America (MHA) to promote mental health as a critical part of overall wellness. Learn more about MHA at www.mhanational.org.
www.tutumjournal.com
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NAVIGATING AGING
CHILDLESS & SINGLE BY MICHELLE SIMCOX
At age 26, I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure, which is early menopause. As I think back, I had irregular periods from the age of 15. We thought it was nothing more than teenage hormones. Honestly, I didn’t worry about it until I got married, and we tried unsuccessfully for a year to get pregnant. We went through testing, and that’s when I was diagnosed. Living with premature ovarian failure is a little different than some other infertility issues because there isn’t any pain or surgery. Though there is hormone therapy to help with menopause symptoms, there is no treatment that will make the ovaries start working properly again.
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TUTUM JOURNAL Winter 2021
Because of my medical condition, we explored many different
Despite this, I try to focus on the positive. For example, I am a kitty
options to have a child, including fertility treatments, adoption,
mom to Aerie. I devote my time to her, doing things with her like
surrogacy, and foster care. The financial aspect and intrusive
taking her on walks in her pet stroller and going on road trips. She
home studies of adoption were too difficult for me to handle.
has been to the beach, boardwalk, and park with me. Aerie has
The emotional and mental toll of infertility was very frustrating.
even stayed at hotels!
My then husband and I drifted apart, separated, and eventually
I love Aerie dearly. She makes me laugh and does help me in many
divorced.
ways. Aerie helps me feel like I’m some sort of mom, and she
So, at age 34, I found myself with fertility issues and trying to
gives me something to take care of.
find a new relationship so that I could have a family of my own. I
I’ve also had some cool solo adventures and met some nice
had to move back home and start over, with a new job and a new life. I began dating again because, as I said, I wanted a family. Throughout the years since my divorce, I’ve had relationships. But, so far, none of them have led to anything serious.
people along the way. When I’m down, I reach out to childless friends. I work a lot and try to stay busy, finding fulfillment by working with kids (I used to be a preschool teacher), being a special aunt to my nieces and nephew, and being a fur baby mom
Childlessness isn’t just an issue for couples. It’s an issue for single
to Aerie (and Lexi before her). I also try to spread awareness about
people, too. But in my opinion, it’s worse because you don’t have
infertility and being childless through social media posts and at
anyone to lean on for support. Holidays are difficult and often
work.
make you feel left out. Not only is there no kid to take pictures
Even though there are potential triggers on social media, it helps
with or exchange gifts, but there is no significant other, either. Mother’s Day is the hardest. Because there is no one to make me feel special by telling me I’m worthy. Those who are married and can’t have kids have someone to say, “I still love you,” to send flowers or presents or surprises. It’s easier to create traditions for holidays and special days when you are with someone.
me feel more connected to others. There are Childless Not By Choice people, kitty moms, and fellow Brooks & Dunn country fans that I’ve met virtually. Being single, social media helps me feel like I can join the conversation even when no one is around. Now in my 50s, I have been living the life of a single, childless woman for 23 years. The stress of siblings and friends getting pregnant is no longer there. Also, my nieces and nephew are grown up, so there isn’t all the kid stuff in my face anymore.
But what if you’re alone?
However, I am starting to have to deal with the grandma stuff, as one of my nieces is pregnant. At this point, I know I’ll never be a mom (or grandma). I’ll never
As a single, childless woman, I avoid “bring your family” gatherings and events. I don’t go to places like amusement parks. I never eat out on holidays. I feel like I miss out on so much not having my own family— no family traditions, no family vacations, no family memories.
say, “Hey, that’s my daughter ice skating” or “That’s my son playing tennis” or “That’s my kid on stage.” But I’m still hoping not to be forever single, as I’d like to start some new traditions and adventures with a partner by my side. As I’ve come to accept my childless state, I’ll do my best to make a fulfilling life and have a meaningful impact.
Michelle Simcox (@michellekibatsimcox) is a childless by infertility fur mom, based in the U.S. www.tutumjournal.com
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NAVIGATING AGING
REFLECTIONS OF AN
UNABASHED ELDER BY KATE KAUFMANN
On the cusp of my seventieth birthday, I’ve become an unabashed, childfree elder. Today, I’m a vigorous and vital woman. I reclaimed my body just as it has begun its decline. I found my voice in time to be well heard. My heart is wide open to care for more people than I’ll ever meet, in ways I never imagined. My life now hangs together as a fairly wellintegrated whole, flaws and all. Sex, which I quite enjoyed in my twenties and early thirties, became a casualty of infertility treatments. Over the years that followed our decision to quit trying, my decades-long marriage grew ever more distant. I found myself single again at sixty-four. The contrast between coupledom and singlehood, especially as a non-mom, is shocking and stark. While I was once part of a network of twosomes, I became a lone ranger, rounding out the odd-numbered table in hopes of staying in touch with couples who stuck with me through the divorce. I noticed, though, that even my childfree friends focused most of their attention on the other couples. Instead of clamming up and labeling myself inferior, I worked hard to find my voice and befriend a small cadre of single compatriots. Still, throughout the pandemic being a duo remained the norm, going solo a pity. I weathered the worst of COVID-19 mostly alone, thankful not to face this crisis while paired in an unhealthy relationship. I grew to enjoy my own company, periodically hosting dance parties for one with something more swanky for dinner than my usual salad. Living alone, I frequently engaged myself in solo conversations, often punctuated with laughter. You might say I fell in love with me. I think that’s a sign I’ve graduated from fledgling to full-throated elder, ready to grab life again and squeeze out all I can of what’s left. Finally, I feel whole and healthy.
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TUTUM JOURNAL Winter 2021
I’ve been on my own more than half my life, celibate for many years
I knew the childfree could teach me a thing or two about how to
after becoming sexually active. I’ve lived in urban, rural, and suburban
fully occupy my place in the world, though their words sometimes
environments and changed careers at least half a dozen times. So
stung. My skin thickened, though, and I came to cherish their
many transitions, becoming and unbecoming who I was and now am.
satisfaction with a childfree life as much as I do the soft center
I used to be ashamed of my body and all the shenanigans I put
created by my journey of childlessness. When we discuss how not
it through in my early adulthood. However, after rereading my
having kids impacts our lives, we uncover so many similarities,
journals of that time, with the eyes of today, I discovered an
our differences become dwarfed.
adventurous young me, someone not afraid to take risks to love,
These days, when I know and speak my truth, my voice rings clear.
learn, and grow. I respect her now and see how crucial those
When I’m not sure what needs to be said, I now have the wisdom
formative years were to the woman I’ve since become.
to take time out to reflect. Or seek guidance from those who might
Therapy supported deep and sustained work to heal the
know. The wisdom of my own elders has proved to be particularly
wounds of infertility and feelings of failure. I carried these
powerful.
wounds over years of losing loved ones to mothering, and then
When we find the courage to speak up about not having kids, we
grandmothering. Those were dark, lonely days, much more so
change lives—our own and those who open their hearts to hear
than living alone during a pandemic.
and heal. We see one another and discover what it feels like to
Girded by past healing, in the aftermath of my marriage, I called
belong.
on my now wizened courage to love, learn, and grow. Eventually, I
As a guest on podcasts and webinars, and during one-on-one
claimed my place as a single and tried online dating. This ghastly
conversations with non-parents and parents alike, I hold back
forum of public exposure offered options to explore—sometimes
nothing to debunk stigmas and stereotypes about non-parents.
flattering, sometimes brutal—feedback from prospective matches,
This is my life’s work and legacy. With so much high-quality
and a means to discover what’s most important in matters of
information available on so many platforms, we’re teetering on the
the heart. I lost my “divorce virginity” at age sixty-seven and
tipping point of change. I just might live to see the day when it’s
rediscovered a lusty physicality I feared was lost. I no longer
considered perfectly normal to be an adult who doesn’t have kids.
compromise who I am to find the love I now generate from within.
To fast track that eventuality, today when I meet new people, I’m
When it comes to who I truly rely on, family of choice now eclipses
often the one asking the once-dreaded kid question. It’s become
family of origin. Most dear to me are the ones who likewise don’t
my gateway to advocacy, knowing most times their answer will
have kids, including those who identify as childless, ambivalent,
be yes. By asking first, I control conversations that reveal my
and childfree. I’m richer when I value all perspectives.
childless status. Without waiting for pity to take hold, I quickly
Just like parents with various feelings about their role, I now see that I
launch into follow-up questions. Some examples include: Do you
contain a dynamic range of attitudes myself. Hence, my personal shift to include more of the childfree outlook. We support one another’s normalcy by accepting and celebrating our collective life experiences. Gathering others’ stories into what was to become my book, Do You Have Kids? Life When the Answer is No was pivotal in integrating the reality of my own life story. Too bad I didn’t know sooner about the potent medicine that lives within the stories of others. Every woman I interviewed for the book thanked me for listening. For most, it was the first time they’d ever been asked.
“When we find the courage to speak up about not having kids, we change lives—our own and those who open their hearts to hear and heal.”
know others like me? (Everyone does.) Have you ever talked about what it’s really like for them? (Few have.) If you didn’t have kids yourself, what life choices do you think you’d make? (Get ready for intriguing responses.) I can honestly say now that I’m glad I did not create children of my own. Sure, I tried for kids and might have become a stellar mom. But I could also have been an overprotective helicopter parent or a tyrant who damaged her progeny. I like that I’ll never know, and I like what I’ve done instead. Focusing on the childlessness—my own, and those of women and men who've entrusted me with their stories—creates a positive impact far beyond that which I could have made while laser-focused on my own progeny. My inner healing, as well as that of others, hinges on giving voice to the childless experience. I now know my words can change lives. So can yours.
Kate Kaufmann (@kaufmannkate) is an international author, speaker, and group facilitator, based in the U.S. www.katekaufmann.com www.tutumjournal.com
35
Building Bridges
Meet Sateria Venable, Founder of
Sateria Venable was diagnosed with uterine fibroids in 1996. She was immediately told that a hysterectomy was her only option. She unapologetically declined. Four surgeries later, faced with fertility struggles, she inadvertently became an expert and patient advocate. After 14 years of advocacy, Sateria has managed to parlay her own difficult health challenges into a global effort to improve the care for women struggling with fibroids. In 2013, she founded The Fibroid Foundation, which brings together millions of women living with fibroids, along with healthcare, mental health, industry experts, and lawmakers to raise awareness about the common medical condition. Originally, the foundation was created solely to provide support to women and menstruators diagnosed with uterine fibroids. Now, The Fibroid Foundation’s support is across the menstrual spectrum. With a newly expanded mission, there are four areas of focus—education, research, legislation, and corporate consulting. Editor-in-Chief Jobi Tyson sat down with Sateria Venable to discuss amplifying the voice of women living with fibroids. 36
TUTUM JOURNAL Winter 2021
Q: What led you to create The Fibroid
Foundation and why is this work important to you?
A: I just had my third of what would be four fibroid surgeries. I was living in a major city and I couldn't believe how difficult it was to find a provider to help me that didn't keep saying the word hysterectomy. I was suffering so much and I was just trying to find a way to help myself. When I found out how common it was, then I became both upset and intrigued because I wondered why more wasn't being done to support a community that seemed to be so large. The work is so important as it's such an emotional journey because it has revealed a lot to me about the world and a lot about my personal journey. I think it has revealed the power of one person's voice because there were a lot of naysayers who told me that I had no medical background and I couldn't do this, but when I started the advocacy efforts I was blown away by the information that I could contribute in a room full of doctors by expressing my experience and what I’ve learned.
Q: What is the vision for The Fibroid
Foundation as it relates to menstrual care and uterine fibroids?
the relationship toll, because it can affect intimacy or just normal daily activity. In some studies, there's a uterine fibroid quality of life study. In the research effort that we worked on, we discovered that the quality of life was significantly diminished due to heavy menstruation, and the inability to engage in social activities. Your activities are limited, you're wearing all black, carrying sanitary products everywhere, and it can be isolating. It can cause friction in a relationship. In a recent poll, we asked our community, “how are you during the pandemic” and some of the things that they expressed were that they enjoy working from home because they had quick and easy access to a bathroom, that they could dress comfortably, and that they didn't have to be in a workspace with people when they were in pain. There have been negative takeaways from the pandemic such as access to care. Some of the hospitals were overwhelmed and people couldn’t seek care, but these positive takeaways… and I'll call them lessons learned from the pandemic as it relates to heavy menstrual bleeding care and fibroid care. I think it is something that we need to look at moving forward as we reintegrate back into the workspace. We are launching a workspace initiative in 2022 specifically around those ideas and thoughts.
Q: Are you privy to any new research on uterine fibroids? If so, are there any advancements as it relates to female infertility?
A: In terms of fertility, we host the Annual Fibroid Summit held in
A: I'm carefully crafting this based on my own experience. When
February which is a forum for patients and clinicians to dialogue.
I started my period at 11, my periods were very painful. They were
The purpose is for leading experts to present fibroid research to the
almost… you know, the cramps were almost like labor pains. So that was
community and to allow community members to ask questions of the
a huge issue prior to being diagnosed with fibroids. Now that I am ending
researcher. We're trying to focus on emerging research, so looking at
my fibroids journey, I realized that as you look at the perimenopause-
how we haven't had any specific fertility research discussed, that's a
menopause spectrum, no one knows what to do there either. It's difficult
great suggestion to incorporate.
to find information. Information is not readily accessible. I realized that I'd like to share information that I've learned, and I like to help others alleviate the pain and suffering that I have. Since we have established this platform, I think it's my responsibility to utilize the platform to share helpful information, wherever it's needed. So, that's where menstrual care across the entire spectrum comes into play. People often think that
Q: With all that you've accomplished in the area of fibroid awareness, do you feel that you still need to do more? If so, please explain.
menopause is the end of uterine fibroids and sadly, that is not always the
A: Absolutely. We have a community of 31,000, but just in the United
case. Fibroids don't automatically shrink in menopause. We know that
States alone, 6 million women have fibroids and half of our communities
women of African descent have higher estrogen levels and oftentimes,
in other countries have high incidences of fibroids. Also, in our
they don't shrink as much as you might think with menopause. In some
communities around the world, there's a cultural stigma associated with
rare instances, there can be bleeding post-menopause that needs to
not having children, or women are ostracized due to their menstrual
be addressed. I realized from learning all of this, that there needs to be
cycles, or heavy menstrual bleeding. So, I feel like we have a lot of work
a support system that starts from the beginning of puberty, and even
to do. One of the reasons that we started the chapters was because I
beyond menopause. Our new mission was to be able to support women
felt it was important for community members to have a local pier to be
menstruators across the entire spectrum.
able to reach out to. I know that there are a lot more people to reach, a
Q: What is the psychological impact due to
fibroids, and have you created any initiatives to address this?
A: Body image is a concern when you have had major surgery or several surgeries that change your self-perception. In many instances, there's
lot more people to comfort, and a lot more people to provide information and resources for. When I started this work, I never imagined how vast or how much of a topic of connection this would become, and it blows my mind regularly. The feedback that we receive, the thank you’s that we get, to learn about how the information we provide has saved someone's experience, their life, their reproductive capacity, their health, their quality of life, how appreciative they are—you just don't realize how personally you are impacting someone.
For more information about The Fibroid Foundation, follow @fibroidfoundation and visit www.fibroidfoundation.org. www.tutumjournal.com
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‘I DESERVE TO LIVE A FULFILLING LIFE’
AFFIRMATION
My gratitude for the people, places, and things in my life is boundless. My family members and friends are loving and caring individuals with a genuine concern for others. My home is tranquil and comfortable. It is well within my financial means and it provides me with stability. It fits who I am without being pretentious or over the top. I am living the life I want to live—decent and admirable. I continually strive to become the best person I can be. I deserve this fulfilling life. Each day, I reflect on who I am and what I want out of life. I consider my important choices—past, present, and future. I matter, not only to others, but to myself. I realize that I am truly deserving of my life. I am surrounded by people who love me, places that bring tranquility, and things that fill me with quiet joy. Today, I know I deserve to live a fulfilling life simply because I am here. Because I exist, I am worthy.
Self-Reflection Questions:
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1.
How do I feel about my life? Am I fulfilled by it?
2.
Do I truly believe that I am deserving of living a worthwhile existence? If not, what factors prevent me from feeling this way?
3.
What steps must I take to feel like I am deserving of a good life?
TUTUM JOURNAL Winter 2021
HOW TO CREAT E A VISION BOARD
TO REACH YOUR GOALS A vision board can be a wonderful tool for reminding yourself about your goals each day. One of the most challenging parts of achieving goals is sticking with them. It’s easy to become distracted, lose hope, or even forget about them. A vision board is a solution for all of these challenges. Regular use of a vision board keeps your goals fresh in your mind. Using a vision board also associates positive feelings with the achievement of your goals. Nearly anything can serve as a vision board. Ideally, your vision board will be portable enough to carry with you. Then you can use it at any time. Poster board, cardboard, or even a spare wall can suffice. You might choose to use a notebook.
Create a vision board that works: 1.
Decide on your goals. This is often the most challenging part. For best effect, limit yourself to a few goals. Perhaps your goals are a fit body, a new car, and a vacation to Hawaii. It’s up to you. What excites you?
2.
Locate images that depict or symbolize the future you’d like to achieve. A picture is worth 1,000 words. There are plenty of sources for images: photographs, magazines, the internet, and more. •
Find pictures that best represent the goals you wish to achieve. If you’re striving for a new car, find the exact model and color. When you look at the photo, you should get the same feeling you get when you think about the goal.
3.
Choose the best words to go on your vision board. A suitable word might be “Promotion” or “Honolulu.” Also consider how you’ll feel when the goal is achieved: “Excited,” “Grateful,” “Proud.” What qualities will you need to achieve these goals? “Committed,” “Powerful,” or maybe “Optimistic.”
4.
Mount the words and photos on your vision board. Get out your scissors, glue, or tape. Arrange everything in a way that pleases you.
The creation of a vision board is fun, simple, and easy. You might even enjoy the process.
Using your vision board is just as important as creating it: 1.
Keep your vision board where you’ll see it at least twice each day. On the nightstand is a great location. You’ll see it in the morning and at night. If you’re comfortable doing so, you could mount it on the bathroom mirror.
2.
Spend a few minutes each morning using your vision board. This can set the tone for the rest of your day. Reminding yourself of your goals each morning will point your brain in the right direction. You’ll see opportunities to help make your dreams come true. It’s then your job to seize those opportunities. •
3.
Look at each word and picture on the board. Take your time and visualize having those things in your life.
Using your vision board before bed is just as important. Your brain is highly active while you sleep. Your brain spends all night churning away, trying to find solutions to your requests. Give your brain the information it needs. Look at the items on your vision board and imagine possessing them. Experience how that feels. •
Part of your brain will spend all night trying to make your vision board a reality.
Create a vision board and use it every day. It’s not magic, though it sure seems that way. Keep your goals fresh in your mind by using your vision board twice each day. Give it a few months and see for yourself how well it works.
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A MONTHLY HUG IN A BOX
HELP US SEND CARE PACKAGES TO ELDER ORPHANS Together we can ensure our childless elders don't feel forgotten.
For more information, visit tutumglobal.com/care-packages or scan code 40
TUTUM JOURNAL Winter 2021
