On Becoming… BY BRANDI LYTLE
I hear childless women say, “I wish I could go back to the person I was before.” Before infertility, before realizing Mr. Right was never coming along, before the divorce, before whatever circumstance brought one to a childless not by choice life. And that made me ponder… Do I wish I could go back to the person I was before? I mean, she certainly had some great qualities. She was self-assured and knew what she wanted. Confident. But this confidence also came with naiveté. A naïve belief that plans—hopes and dreams—would turn out exactly as she pictured if only she worked hard enough… Do I honestly want to go back to being that person? A naively confident person? I am in year eight of accepting (dare I say, embracing) my childless life. Since the beginning of 2014, I stopped pursuing becoming a mom in the traditional sense. No more infertility treatments. No more adoption meetings. But if I wasn’t going to become a traditional mom, then what was I becoming? Well, in 2014, I became an over-zealous dog mom, fully committed to giving our fur baby the most fantastic life possible. I became the lady who posts updates about her four-legged kid, who throws birthday parties, buys Christmas presents and Easter baskets for the dog… (Though I never refer to Maddie as “the dog.” She’s family.) And in becoming this “crazy dog lady,” I also had to become someone who ignored the eye rolls and dismissive “dog moms aren’t real moms” comments and the criticisms about how many pictures I post of my non-traditional, four-legged kiddo… In 2015, my husband and I had the opportunity to become host parents, opening our home to a foreign exchange student. I grabbed onto this with both hands and fully embraced the chance to take on a full-time parenting role to a two-legged kid (albeit only for six months). In that short time, our foreign exchange daughter became family. And in the past six years, we have continued to nurture a relationship despite living in different countries. So, back to the question—If I wasn’t going to become a traditional mom, then what was I becoming? For me, I was becoming a non-traditional mom—a dog mom and a host mom. I was becoming someone who viewed family as so much more than parents and biological kids. I was becoming an outspoken advocate for childless women fighting to redefine dreams and find joy despite… And I was becoming a person who some loved, and others despised… Recently, I had a falling-out with someone whom I used to be quite close. Over the past decade, we have grown further and further apart. As I tried to figure out where everything went so wrong, I realized… I am not the person I was before. I have been becoming—and will continue to become—a confident childless woman who knows that plans do not always turn out exactly as we imagined and yet, we can still live a joyful life. I am living that joyful life because I have become a person who is willing to redefine. I have also become a person who is not willing to allow others to judge how I have redefined. And the person with whom I grew apart… Well, this person is not willing to accept my dog mom and host mom roles. And thus, in my humble opinion, she is not accepting the woman I’m becoming… I do not want to go back to the naïve person I was before. I want to live this childless life with my eyes wide open. I want to show others that we don’t all fit the mold. In fact, I want to be the person who smashes that mold into a million pieces! And if someone does not like the person that I am becoming… Well, they will be left behind. I am not going to allow anyone to hold me back from becoming…
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TUTUM JOURNAL Winter 2021