CONSENT HOW TO KNOW WHEN YES MEANS YES AND NO MEANS NO
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onsent is something that we’ve all heard mentioned enough times, but how much do we actually know when it comes to our own experiences? The first time we hear about consent is likely to be during Sex Ed at secondary school. Not a great deal is said about it in detail and in many scenarios nowhere near enough information has been given to us in the context of real-life situations that actually made us feel prepared once we’ve reached the age where consent really matters. “I was never taught about consent in school or college - the way I learnt was through articles on the internet or videos online through my own research when I was interested about sex and what surrounded it!” Paddy Stewart (20) from Eastbourne told us. Ask anybody you know where they got their sex education from and they’ll likely tell you most of it was through their own research online. While some sections of the internet are genuinely full of brilliant advice and information, there are some bits that just can’t be relied upon. For example, porn can be extremely harmful to ideas about what safe and consensual sex is. Big Talk Education did a survey of 1000 people between ages 11–15 and found that 34% hadn’t learnt about consent, which is a staggering statistic when you compare that to the age at which most of us are having sex for the first time. “I think there need to be additions to the curriculum, and earlier on. Many
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people had already started [having sex] by the time we were taught about consent; everyone should be made aware of the consequences of non-consensual sexual activity. I also think that there should be a service, in or out of school, that is anonymous and allows anyone to ask any sex-related questions. Additionally, more needs to be taught about STIs; most of what I know about AIDS is from a TV show, and that isn’t right.” Liam Johnson (17) told Tag ‘21. You should be asking for consent at every step and each time you engage in sexual activity. If someone doesn’t consent or withdraws it at any time, this must be respected and all activity must stop. Remember, consent is both verbal and physical. If your partner isn’t exactly saying no, but is physically closed off, this is probably a sign that something is wrong or they aren’t enjoying what is happening. Also keep in mind that just because someone hasn’t explicitly said the word no, doesn’t mean they are happy with what is happening. No is also, “I’ve changed my mind”, “Not now”, “I’m uncomfortable”, “I’m unsure” and “I’m not enjoying this”. No does not mean “Convince me.” What is sometimes hard with consent is making it an ongoing conversation. Try out some of these examples of how to ask for consent and how to keep it going during sex: “Establishing boundaries beforehand is better as you won’t feel pressured or meet any surprises along the way; you are
both on the same wavelength, which is so vital.” Maddie Richardson (17) told us. Do you ever end up in a situation where you feel aroused, but your body has other ideas? Arousal non-concordance is when you’re aroused but your vagina isn’t getting wet or your penis won’t become erect. It can also be when these things do happen, despite not being aroused or liking what’s happening to you. It’s completely normal to feel that these two things aren’t aligned. Many people experience this and according to author Emily Nagoski, it has happened to 90% of cis-women and 50% of cis-men. Linking this to consent; it is so important to remember that just because someone is physically aroused does not mean they have given consent. Similarly, just because your body may not be responding the way you want it to, does not mean that anything is wrong with you. All that matters is that you have both given verbal consent. If you tend to be subjectively but not physically aroused, start listening to your body. Masturbation is a good place to begin, pay attention to what makes you feel good. Lubricant
