CLOSET LIFE

DEBUNKING SOME ASSUMPTIONS

Not everyone’s coming out experience is the same: just because something works for one person, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will work for you. Tag ‘21 spoke to a 19-year-old to find out his advice on coming out.

HOW DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE READY TO COME OUT?

‘I don’t really know, to be fair. I knew that I was gay for a long time, probably since I was in primary school, so it wasn’t a big surprise. I guess I was in Year 9, I wanna say? So middle-of-secondary-school kind of time. That’s when I was like ‘Ok’. You’ve got to wait until you’re comfortable yourself in your own sexuality before telling anyone else, so you always want to make sure you know what you know, and that your feeling is valid and everything.

There are a lot of other outside forces, that were kind of...not pressuring me, but people constantly saying ‘Oh, you’re gay! You’re gay!’ put a lot of pressure on me. I was like ‘Hmm...no’ but then I thought ‘you know what? Life would just be easier.’ So I was like ‘Yes’.

It was around about the same time that I came out to my parents. I never technically came out to my dad, he just kind of knew, and we just kind of [spoke] about it, but it wasn’t like ‘Oh hi Dad, yes, I’m gay by the way’, it just got brought up in conversation. And that’s how it really is now. I can’t genuinely remember the last time I came out to someone, and was like ‘Oh yes, by who they think you are, and I think that’s what annoys me and I think probably quite a few other people.

I think it’s just easier to deal with the hate when you are unashamably yourself, and you’re open with it, and then they’re like, ‘Omg you’re gay’ and you’re like ‘Yes? Everyone kind of knew that?’ It’s not a big issue, so yeah, I think that definitely spurred it on. I mean, for me, it’s just so much easier being open and out rather than being closeted. Obviously I understand 100% the reasons why people stay closeted for such a long time, but I genuinely could not imagine still having to be closeted because it’s just like you’re putting on a show 24/7, obviously trying to be someone you’re not.

I know people say ‘Don’t make your sexuality your personality’, but I think if I wasn’t unashamedly gay, I don’t think I would be as funny, because a lot of my personality stems from gay culture. I also wouldn’t be able to have the same kind of personality that I do right now, because I wouldn’t be able to be openly expressing stuff from gay culture because it wouldn’t be ‘straight’ for me to do that. So I think it just lets you be 100% yourself, which is so much better, I couldn’t imagine trying to keep the act up like for as long as some people do, that’s just mental to me.’

'DON'T FEEL PRESSURED BY ANYONE'

the way I’m gay’. I just bring it up like ‘Oh yeah, I was with this guy the other night’ and they’re like ‘ok cool so you’re gay’ and I’m like ‘yes’. So I don’t really come out as such anymore, because I don’t really give a **** what people think.’

WAS THERE A SPECIFIC REASON YOU CHOSE TO COME OUT AS OPPOSE TO STAYING CLOSETED?

‘Yeah, so, I think it just makes life a bit easier, like when you are kind of open with your sexuality, people are still going to bully you and be hateful. That’s just human nature unfortunately, but I think it’s easier to deal with that when you are openly and 100% yourself. I think that probably what aggravates people more than most things is people guessing and talking about it behind your back, because obviously you know what you know, but no one else really does, and so it’s people constantly talking about

DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS OR ADVICE FOR ANYONE LOOKING TO COME OUT?

‘I would definitely say don’t rush into anything and don’t feel pressured by anyone; you’ve got to come out when you are ready to do it. There’s nothing wrong with waiting years to do it, if you’re not ready and comfortable, then don’t do it. My advice is, surround yourself with people that love you no matter what. You can definitely tell with certain people, if you’re with the kind of friends that make really homophobic jokes, same with racist jokes, they’re probably not the best people to be hanging out with.

If you’re thinking of coming out as gay, bi, pan, whatever, you need to surround yourself with people that are 100% supportive because then you know that they’re not gonna judge you for being you. Luckily we now live in a day and age where

so many more people are already out and others have the confidence to just come out and not have anybody judge them, and everyone’s just like ‘Ok’.

No one really cares anymore, and it’s definitely much more of an older generation kind of thing, because LGBTQ+ people weren’t as open as they are now. You see LGBTQ+ storylines in TV, film, books a lot more than you ever did before, it’s a lot more mainstream, which is a brilliant step forward. Obviously you’ve just got to give it in your own time and never feel pressured or rushed to do it, you’ve got to only do it when you are 100% ready.

Don’t let anyone force you into [coming out], don’t do anything like that because you’re just gonna make yourself more miserable and then you’re gonna resent coming out. With family and parents, certain family members probably don’t need to know. Like, perhaps just your parents, and you can come out to them however you want, in your own time, but like, grandparents, you don’t need to be sitting down with them, having a full-on convo about it if you don’t want to, in my personal opinion. I’ve never really spoken to my grandparents about it, I never really had to, because, at the end of the day, my grandparents don’t need to know about my sexuality, like, it doesn’t affect them. When you’ve been out for a long time, I don’t think you’re gonna care anymore.

Peronally, I couldn’t care what people think. I’ll just be like ‘Yes, ok, I’m gay. If you’ve got a problem with it, it’s your problem’. I’m not gonna be like ‘Omg ok, I’ll act straight around you’ I really couldn’t care, I’m gonna be who I am and if you don’t like it, then p*** off, quite frankly. I think that’s probably the best mindset to have: that you cannot expect everyone to be 100% accepting, because people won’t. But, you can’t get too hung up about it. If that’s the case, you just have to remove those negative people from your life, and then it’ll just make you a lot more comfortable, and make your life a lot easier.’

OUT & PROUD

If you’ve already come out, congratulations! Your bravery, honesty and ability to put yourself in a potentially scary and vulnerable situation is admired and respected. While some people have very good coming out experiences, others aren’t so lucky. Even if you didn’t have a good experience, either through a lack of acceptance, or doing so before you were ready, it’s not the end of the world. While it hurts if people don’t accept you, especially if those people are your own family, always remember that you have other ‘family’ who aren’t related. Friends are family, and the bonds are often just as strong with people you’ve just met.

Jess Browne Design: Jess Browne, Damien Fox Photography: Oscar Tarbox

LGBTQ+ SUPPORT WEBSITES

www.theproudtrust.org www.stonewall.org.uk www.comingout.space 24/7 LGBTQ+ HELPLINE