ASK AUNTIE

TAG 21's AGONY AUNT ANSWERS ALL YOUR PROBLEMS

Disclaimer: Auntie’s answers are unofficial. The Tag team are not professional counsellors

SEXTING

I really like this girl but I’m not sure if she likes me, and I don’t know how to ask her out. I think she’s interested but she has a boyfriend. My mate says it will impress her if I randomly send her a nude picture of a certain area. Will this impress her? Should I do it?

She will probably not be impressed and will most likely be put off. You have to stop and think about sending this kind of picture, before you do it. Presuming you are underage, if you send her a picture this counts as child porn, and you would get in trouble for having child porn on your phone and distributing it, even if it’s a picture of yourself. As well as this, she will not be impressed if you send her this picture. She never asked you to send it to her, and you are presuming what she wants. You are non-consensually sending her an intimate picture which is just disrespectful to her.

Even if you are over the age of 18 you should still get their consent before sending pictures to someone or doing anything sexual online (for example over a video call). Even if you are in a relationship the other person might not be comfortable with this, so you should always make sure they are on the same boat as you before you do. Even if you are nervous to ask, your partner will probably appreciate this. If you’re over 18 it’s important to be careful and make sure this person is trustworthy before you send or do anything. The best way to impress her is by sending her a note or maybe just try asking her. It can be scary but it’s the respectful thing to do and she will probably be more impressed by your bravery to ask her out, than a picture of your area. Bear in mind that she already has a boyfriend, and you really need to be respectful of that at the moment. If she doesn’t like you she doesn’t like you, there are plenty of fish in the sea, it may be time for you to move on, and respect that she is in a relationship and is not interested.

RELATIONSHIP DRAMA

I cheated on my girlfriend and now I can’t forgive myself. I don’t know if I will ever be able to get in a relationship again, what should I do?

Im pleased your’re reaching out to me about this situation, it is very brave of you to admit to this and ask for advice! Firstly I would like to say that if you have not told your girlfriend already the best thing to do would be to admit to her what you have done. The last thing you want is for it to end up coming out in a way that you would not like it to. Although a tricky and uncomfortable conversation to have, if she has to hear this news at all I’m sure she would appreciate hearing it from you. It is probably also going to be best to end the relationship. If you’re feeling this way, then the spark is probably not there and it is time for you to both move on. As for beating yourself up about it, obviously you have accepted what you did was wrong. You’re young and everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is to recognise the mistake you made and try and grow and learn from it. Take this as a learning experience for your next relationship. Turn it into a positive thing that will help you grow as a person. Next time you are in a relationship if you get feelings like this let the person know rather than ending up in this same situation again.

ANXIETY IN SCHOOL

I have just started Year 11 and I have to read to a bigger class than I am used to. The worst thing is that the teacher uses a random name picker to see who is going to read. When I get home I worry about having to read out loud to the class and sometimes the worrying keeps me up at night. When I say I don’t want to read the teacher tries to encourage me but this feels like more pressure. She doesn’t understand how I feel. Trying to read out loud makes me very nervous, my face goes red and I cannot talk properly. What can I do about this?

This sounds like a very scary situation for you, and is something I struggled with myself through Year 11. It’s hard when you are someone who is nervous and finds it a huge challenge to have the teacher call you out in front of everyone in the class and I really feel for you. This is a very tricky but very common worry for people who don’t like talking in front of others, so don’t feel like you’re alone. I would say to find a time outside of the lesson to explain everything to your teacher privately. I’m sure they will be very understanding and give you help with the situation in whatever way they can. If you don’t feel comfortable telling that teacher, find a teacher you more comfortable telling. Perhaps get a close friend to come with you to help you to explain.

GUILTY

I’m a 14 year old girl. I was at a sleepover with my best friend, and we were sitting on the bed together and she started to cuddle me. Then, I don’t know why, but I turned around and just kissed her. We laughed about it afterwards, but I kind of liked it. My family are very strict Catholics and I don’t think they would approve. I’m not sure know what to do. I’ve never felt this way before and I don’t want to let my family down. I feel it might be wrong and I also feel so guilty about it, can you help?

This can be a very confusing situation to be in. Around your age it’s normal to start to explore and question your sexuality and who you are. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong by doing this. You may feel a lot of different emotions such as shame, embarrassment and fear. But what you did, and the feeling you had/ have are nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of. With your family being strict Catholics this can be very difficult, especially when you don’t want to let people down, but you have to remember that what you have done is not wrong and you cannot help how you feel despite your parents’ beliefs. I would suggest that you don’t let your parents know if you feel you would be putting yourself in danger by telling them, or you are not ready to yet.

Instead I feel maybe it would be beneficial to contact the Rainbow Alliance. The Rainbow Alliance is a place for any lgbtq+ people to go who are questioning their gender or sexuality and need to talk to people similar to them or find help and advice. They run young people’s groups where you can meet similar young people to yourself. As well as giving advice on sexuality, they provide a trans-inclusive service as well for anyone who wishes to contact them for gender related reasons. You can look up their website to find out more information. As well as this it might be worth talking to a trusted adult you know in school if you feel happy to, or talking to your teachers about counselling to help get rid of the feelings of shame.

IDENTITY CRISIS

I think I might be transgender (I’m a male who wants to be a female). I haven’t told anyone and I don’t know what to do, I feel uncomfortable with my body and it has got to the point that I don’t even feel comfortable leaving the house. I can’t even look at my body, and I hate going out thinking that people are looking at me. I just want to stay in bed and it’s really affecting my mental health, I feel so alone and don’t want to talk to anyone about these feelings as I’m worried how I would be judged. Do you have any advice?

When you’re questioning your gender it can be very confusing and scary so it’s really brave of you to reach out. I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you and the way you are feeling, but it’s also normal in the society we live in to feel afraid of being judged by other people. I want to reassure you that the right person to be hanging around is someone who should never judge you for these feelings. Your friends should be people you feel you can talk to and will support you, so if they aren’t they’re not the right people to be around.

If you have a friend of a family member you feel will not judge you, talk to them and ask for their advice on this issue. However if you don’t feel ready to tell anyone, or you feel that they will judge you, it may be better to wait and not tell them if they will be judgmental – your safety should come first, especially with family members.

I would really recommend you contact the Rainbow Alliance, which is a service that works with the lgbtq+ community. You can join groups and find out more information on where you can go when you are having these feelings and where you can meet people going through similar situations. They are a very trans inclusive service, and have a section on their website where you can find help and information, if you feel you may be trans. It may also be worth contacting your school if you feel happy to, as they may have services available to help people going through these situations.

EXAM PRESSURE

My mum is putting a lot of pressure on me when it comes to my exams, I don’t have any time for myself to relax, or to enjoy going out with my friends. She won’t listen to me, what should I do?

Ireally feel for you, this is a really difficult time of every young person’s life and there are a lot of extra added pressures this year related to the pandemic which you have to deal with as well. It can be really hard when you and your parents don’t see eye to eye on things, especially when you may feel you are too young to have a say in anything. However there are definitely things you can do to help see the situation from each other’s point of view.

I’m sure your mum means no harm and is just trying to help you to achieve your full potential, and probably is very stressed out and worried herself because she cares about you and wants you to do well and to have a good future. However it is important to have time to stop and relax as well as work. Maybe try taking your mum out for a day just you and her, and bring up the issue in a calm, casual way. Explain how you’re happy to work hard but you need time for yourself as well. Offer to write out a schedule to manage your time better – perhaps you could even do this together. Let her know that you’re willing to work hard and keep putting the effort in. If this doesn’t work, maybe try talking to a teacher/school counsellor about how the pressure is too much. They may be able to help you talk it through with your mum, so you can see things better from each other’s perspective. Counselling services are widely available at schools and can provide someone you can talk to to get your feelings out.

Skye Alksaris Design: Jess Scrivener

FOR ADVICE AND REASSURANCE

www.childline.org.uk 0800 1111