YOUR FIRST TIME

HOW WILL IT BE FOR YOU?

Having sex for the first time is a pretty big deal – and while losing your virginity can be the subject of a lot of excitement, it can also carry feelings of fear or anxiety. Mostly, though, it’s hard to imagine what sex will be like when it happens beyond what you learned in sex education classes. Growing up in such a media-focused generation, it’s easy to get wrapped up in worry over sex and the acts surrounding it, especially because the topic is often portrayed negatively through porn, pressure from friends, poor sex education, nudes and sexting culture.

Trying to navigate sex in a world of harmful media, peer shaming and the heedful eyes of parents can be difficult; take comfort in the fact that everyone else feels the same way too!

WHAT IS VIRGINITY?

Virginity is technically defined as never having had sex, but this poses the question: what is sex? It means something different to everyone. Very much stuck in a non-inclusive, heteronormative box, it doesn’t leave room for those that fall outside of gender binaries or other conventional forms of sexuality. Often, instead of deciding for ourselves what sex means, we let society tell us whether or not our experiences ‘count’, depending on who they’re with and how they happen. We cannot stress to you enough how important it is to remember that above anything else, whether or not you feel happy and safe is the only thing that matters when making your mind up about having sex for the first time. No matter who it’s with, how it works for you, at what time in your life it occurs, it’s paramount that you practise safe, consensual sex and that you can trust and talk to the person you are with.

SOME OF TAG’S TOP TIPS

Get comfortable with yourself first. Take some time on your own to find out what feels good! Knowing yourself is the best way to help someone else get to know you too. Protection and contraception. Safe sex is so important. Practise using condoms or dental dams together! If either of you is already using some form of contraception, discuss that and talk about what works best for you both so that everyone is reassured and feels happy. Regarding same-sex couples, getting pregnant may not be a possibility but STIs still can be! Practise sex that will mean neither of you ends up uncomfortable or unwell.

Foreplay. The more aroused you are, the better the sex is likely to feel. Now, the majority of women do not orgasm every time they have sex. It’s especially unlikely to happen if it’s your first time. At this stage, you’re only exploring. Don’t set any other goals, let the experience be whatever it’s going to be. Spend as long as is necessary on the lead up to sex. Foreplay relaxes you, gets you ready both physically and mentally, and also it’s fun! Get to know your partner’s body and what makes them feel good too. As one teen Tag ‘21 interviewed said, “Mutual enjoyment is genuinely all that matters!”

Consent. Perhaps the most important thing of all. Making sure that you and your partner have consented to everything happening is a number one priority – it’s a matter not only of trust between you and your partner but also of legality. Feeling safe and listened to – not only during sex but in all aspects of your relationship – is a sign of a strong and healthy partnership.

The truth is, nobody can ever give you enough advice (right or wrong) that makes you feel ‘ready’ for your first time. In the majority of situations, experienced teens tell Tag ‘21 that their first time happened when they felt ready, but they were surprised at the normality of it; clearly (and rightly so) nowhere near the idealised version that you see in the movies. We can promise you that nobody looks the way movie stars look after sex! Remember: your adrenaline is going nuts at this point. You’ll be nervous, excited, thinking and feeling at a million miles per hour. Your hair won’t be perfect, you’ll probably be a little red and sweaty and you might not walk around ‘glowing’ for the rest of the day.

It’s important to remember these things going into your first sexual experience, as sex for the first time will probably feel awkward, however, awkward is normal. Part of the delight is finding out how to move together in a way that feels comfortable and exciting for you both. It is only truly awkward in a bad way if you are trying to play it cool and fake it. The best way to go into the first sexual experience is with no expectations, but more of a true desire to be closer to that person.

Keep yourself relaxed, maintain an open and honest dialogue, ensure that you both have consented and the proper protection is being used. As long as everyone feels safe, and is having fun, your first time will go as smoothly as it could go. Plus, you’ll normally find that once you get through the first giggle over what’s happening, you start to find a natural rhythm and ease into it in no time. However the vast majority of people find that their first time feels totally different to every time after that, so don’t worry too much if you leave the experience feeling different to how you might have imagined it.

"MAKING SURE THAT YOU AND YOUR PARTNER HAVE CONSENTED TO EVERYTHING HAPPENING IS A NUMBER ONE PRIORITY"