August 2023 Raising Confident Mothers

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CONFIDENT MOTHERS

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The curves and overlapping letters speak to creativity and approachability.

The double lines represent the journey we're on together as mothers and in our coaching relationship.

Arch shapes throughout my branding reflect the welcoming environment and support I give my clients throughout the ups and downs of motherhood.

Magazine Club RAISING CONFIDENT MOTHERS

COMING SEPTEMBER 2023

There is nothing better than community when you are trying to learn new concepts and implement them in your life. We all need a village and with today’s technology it is easier than ever before to connect with likeminded mothers and women seeking to live intentional lives.

Much like a book club, our Magazine Club will focus of the current issue of Raising Confident Mothers and the concepts taught each month. You will make new connections and receive personal coaching. I can’t wait!! You can find more info at the end of this issue.

join the waitlist R A I S I N G

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You can change the narrative. You can change your life, your family and your community by developing your Emotional Independence.

I will show you the freedom you seek.

Editor's Note We recently celebrated Independence Day with friends at their lake house. I don't know what it is about lakes and fireworks but they tend to drift towards each other, resulting in amazing displays of lights, sounds and questions of safety. Celebrations such as the 4th of July mark important dates in our world's history. What if we put as much importance on our emotional independence as we do on our personal freedoms? Emotional Independence is one

of the greatest freedoms you can give yourself and yet many are oblivious to it.

Are you aware of what it means to live independent of what others think, say and do? Do you know the power of creating your own emotions and refusing to allow others to dictate your results? It's amazing, life-changing work that will break generational patterns of unhealthy behaviors. Now that's something to celebrate.

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contents EMOTIONAL INDEPENDENCE

INDEPENDENCE + RESPONSIBLITY + BOUNDARIES

02 EDITOR'S NOTE Independence Day isn't the only form of freedom we should be celebrating.

04 EMOTIONAL INDEPENDENCE Use the CTFAR Model to discover emotional adulthood.

06 RESPONSIBILITY FOR FEELINGS Step into the life-changing work of creating your emotions on purpose.

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STEPHANIE ANDERSON: THE POWER OF SILENCE

08 BREAKING IT DOWN

EMOTIONAL BACKPACK 15 THOUGHT DOWNLOAD Thought watching is just as entertaining as people watching if we approach with curiosity.

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CANDICE CLARK: INDEPENDENCE

DR. AKKANTI, MD: BOUNDARIES

Did you know it's possible to thoroughly enjoy vacation with a teenager who just wants to sleep and stay in? Let my coach, Candice, show you how in her personal essay.

Giving your life to medicine doesn't have to rob you of joy, connection, peace or family.

Dr. Bindu Akkanti shares the importance of creating healthy boundaries with intention.

16 BUFFERING Seeking to numb emotional discomfort with outside sources will create greater discomfort. Learn what buffering is and gain awareness of where it appears in your life.

31 HEALTHY BOUNDARIES Time to get to work. Practice formulating healthy boundaries as you free your emotions from the actions of others.

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Emotional Independence

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Take Responsibility We call ourselves adults but many of us are still functioning as emotional children. Emotional childhood occurs when grown adults react to their emotions, act out, or avoid emotions they don't want to feel rather than taking responsibility for them. In short, emotional childhood occurs when grown adults blame others for the way they feel. The truth is, we are responsible for how we feel in every moment. We are in charge of how we think and the emotions created by our thoughts. When we blame others for how we feel, how we act and for the results we get in our lives, we perpetuate a cycle of emotional childhood. As adults, our brains are developed enough so that we can reflect on our thoughts and we can decide what to think and what to feel in any given moment. It's one of the benefits of growing up.

As a young child, you were probably taught how to remain in emotional childhood thru such statements as: 'You really hurt their feelings. Go say sorry for hurting their feelings.' Or, 'Did that boy hurt your feelings? He shouldn't have said those words to you. I bet it hurt when he said that.' Statements such as these are so engrained that you probably never questioned them or noticed how disempowering they are. Chances are, this state of victimhood has carried over into adulthood as you continue to blame the government, the economy, your boss, other people and your neighbor's dog for the results you have in your life.

Well friends, it's time to change the narrative and take responsibility for your emotional health and well-being. It's time to take responsbility for your pain as well as your joy. The only person who needs to make you happy and help you feel more secure is you. You can do it. Let's work with the model to discover how.

EMOTIONAL CHILDHOOD

EMOTIONAL ADULTHOOD

You signed up for a new diet plan. Two

You signed up for a new diet plan. Two

C weeks later your weight hasn't changed.

T This diet controls everything.

F Frustrated Refuse to follow the diet plan.

A Binge on 'off-plan' food items.

C weeks later your weight hasn't changed.

T I am learning what works for my body.

F Confident Seek help and more information as needed.

A Continue to treat your body with respect.

R You have lost control.

R You learn what works for your body.

Look for reasons why you can't lose weight.

Fall down the rabbit hole of body shame.

Decide if you want to stay with the diet plan.

Build yourself up mentally.

The two models create two very different results even when the circumstance doesn't change.

The only change is your thought process and the presence of blame vs responsiblity. Test it out and notice how shifting responsibility impacts your life. Create your emotional independence.

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TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR FEELINGS SELF COACHING WORKSHEET

What negative feeling are you experiencing?

Name a person or circumstance you believe is causing this feeling.

Describe how the thoughts are making you feel.

Describe why you think the thoughts have the power to control your feelings in this way.

What is the thought you're thinking that's really causing this feeling?

Can you see that it's the thought and not the person or circumstance causing the feeling?

How will you take responsibility for your feelings in the future?

NEED HELP? Schedule a 1:1 coaching session thru laceyjonescoaching.com to work thru your thoughts.

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Change happens

one step at a time.

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emotional backpack

Elevate the

Individual Packing Your Emotional Backpack Episode 1

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When our kids are young, we typically pack their overnight bags for family vacations. We ensure that they have enough socks and underwear, and we give them extras just in case there's an accident. We double check the weather and we throw in a sweatshirt for chilly evenings. We pack the swimsuits and the dress clothes, ensuring each piece is accounted for. It's a responsibility we accept so they have what they need. As our children grow older, the responsibility shifts. We go from packing the bag to writing packing lists for them to follow, we double check their attention to detail and eventually we allow natural consequences to take course as our children assure us they know what they are doing. Their bags are packed, they are ready to go.

Just as we packed our children's travel bags, our parents once packed our emotional backpacks.

They modeled emotional behaviors to the best of their ability and sent us on our way. But did anyone ever teach us how to repack those bags as we experienced new circumstances and developed our independence? Chances are, it's time for you to reevaluate and repack your emotional backpack to carry you into emotional adulthood. Use the worksheet on the next page to decide what's working for you and what needs to be left behind as you develop your emotional independence.

WHAT'S IN YOUR EMOTIONAL BACKPACK? Your parents did the best they could with the emotional tools they had.

Ponder on these questions as you strengthen your emotional independence.

SELF COACHING WORKSHEET

What do you believe about your life?

What do you believe about yourself?

What are the lessons your parents taught you?

What do you believe about your dreams coming true?

What do you believe about your ability to create what you want?

Why do you have your current results in your life?

What do you need to believe in order to get the results you want?

NEED HELP? Schedule a 1:1 coaching session thru laceyjonescoaching.com to work thru your thoughts.

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Stephanie

Anderson

The Power of Silence Elevate the Individual, Episode 53

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Every child needs someone to be a positive advocate for them.

Middle school is a special place. It requires special individuals to lead and guide students through their early tumultous teen years.

Stephanie Anderson, wife, mother of 2, and middle school survivor, is one of those special people. Looking to make a difference, she willingly signed up to teach middle school math and coach eighth grade volleyball. And she thoroughly loved it. Drawing on her own experiences as a student and athlete, she was able to model necessary emotional skills for the kids in her care.

Having stepped away from the halls of middle school once more, Stephanie now focuses her time and attention on the emotional health of her family.

Through the years, she has discovered several tools to help develop her own mental resilience and is seeking to share them with others.

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At a recent Trek experience for the youth of our church, Stephanie shared some of those tools as the trekkers prepared for solo time on the last day of the event.

Stephanie wanted to set the stage for the youth before turning them loose to sit and reflect on the week's events and their lives. She taught the youth how to free themselves from judgement and sit with their thoughts.

One of the most valuable emotional tools we can access is the ability to sit in our thoughts without judgement.

Stephanie believes that as each person deals with their own wounds and the tough areas in their lives, they will find strength as they drop the judgement and approach with curiosity. Every person on the planet can learn something about themselves in silence that they would not have learned otherwise.

Tune into Episode 53 of the podcast to gain more wisdom from Stephanie.

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picture of me and Stephanie on Monday.

Create the space to listen and you will change your life.

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Thought Download: A valuable tool used to uncover deep-seated beliefs that are keeping you stuck.

Approach with curiousity to prevent self-judgement.

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THOUGHT DOWNLOAD

SELF COACHING WORKSHEET

Think of a situation that is bothering you. Set the timer for 10 minutes and write about it. *** Remember, this is a judgement free zone. ***

Choose one thought you would like to work on.

Practice building a model with that thought.

C T F A R NEED HELP? Schedule a 1:1 coaching session thru laceyjonescoaching.com to work thru your thoughts.

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Buffering: Using external things to change how we feel.

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Food, enterntainment, money, alcohol, pornography and mindless scrolling are methods used to prevent us from having to feel unwanted emotions.

While interviewing Stephanie for the podcast, the concept of buffering was introduced. It's an important concept that needs to be discussed further as it is the result of seeking excessive pleasure in order to avoid feeling negative emotions. We live in a world that provides excessive opportunities to feel pleasure. When we experience pleasure our brain receives a hit of dopamine and it feels awesome.

More awesome than the physical effects of feeling a negative emotion. As a result, we often seek false pleasures and the more we consume, the more we want. Businesses and corporations thrive on our need for pleasure. As they provide more and more concentrated doses of pleasure, we seek those sources with more intent. The supply responds to the demand. And the demand responds to the supply.

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Our buffers are seen as creators of happiness. But these buffers come with consequences.

Often the consequences come with pain. Buffers only provide a temporary relief from negative emotions, which always come back stronger than before the buffer. When we eat more than we should, we gain weight and we feel sick afterward.

We tell ourselves it will be worth it, but is a decline in our physical health really ever worth it? Is the temporary high of viewing pornography worth destroying family relationships? Often our buffers turn to addictions and our ability to walk away from them becomes more and more difficult.

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E N T H E R R R A A I SI IS NI N G GC C OO N N F IF DI D E N T TM M OO T H E R S S

When you allow yourself to feel your emotions, you will live a more authentic life.

With this awareness you will empower yourself with the ability to choose your emotional state. You will get to decide when and where you feel negative and positive emotion. As you create your emotions on purpose, you will develop a genuine sense of selfconfidence. This new found confidence will allow you to show up as the best version of you. Your contribution to this world is deeply impacted by your ability to walk away from buffers and process unwanted emotions as they arise. Please understand, that as you stop buffering, you will feel the emotional pain you have been avoiding. This can be alarming if you don't have the tools necessary to process and understand your emotions. Completing thought downloads, allowing urges and planning for future emotions, will be your biggest keys to success.

You can start the process by completing the selfcoaching worksheets included in this issue. Please remember that you can do this work on your own, but you don't have to. Please schedule your free discovery call and let's do this together.

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BUFFERING To stop buffering, you will need to be willing to feel unpleasant emotions and give up the false pleasure of buffering.

Consider how you will do this as you complete the worksheet.

SELF COACHING WORKSHEET

What are the ways in which you buffer?

What emotions are you attempting to avoid when you buffer?

What thoughts are causing each of these emotions?

What are the negative consequences of buffering in your life?

What will be different about your life when you stop buffering?

NEED HELP? Schedule a 1:1 coaching session thru laceyjonescoaching.com to work thru your thoughts.

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In today's world it's easy to get caught up in the negativity and stress that surrounds us. We pour so much time and energy into the next generation hoping and praying they make it thru their teenage years. Oftentimes, we lose sight of the mothers standing behind them. Mothers who want nothing more than for their children to succeed, who also have dreams of their own.

Together, we highlight the stories of these incredible mothers as they raise their families and communities while getting after their goals and caring for their own mental health.

Join us as we elevate the individual for the good of the whole.

New episode available each week on the website and all podcast apps.

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It’s not you.

It’s motherhood.

Motherhood is meant to be challenging.

How you view the challenge will make all the difference.

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We all have moments in life when we feel like we can’t take on a challenge. Whether it’s a physical limitation, fear, or anxiety, it can be difficult to find the courage to take on a challenge and push ourselves. But, if we can push ourselves to do the hard things, it can be incredibly rewarding.

-Lacey Jones

Elevate the

Individual Review and Reflection, Episode 54

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Candice

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Emotional Independence Elevate the Individual, Episode 55

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These are problems I want to solve.

Every coach needs a coach.

Allow me to introduce you to mine.

Candice Clark and I were in the same coaching cohort when we completed our certification thru The Life Coach School and again as we completed our Advanced FaithBased Certification with Jody Moore. As part of our certification process we coached the other members of our group and I always appreciated Candice's direct approach with her clients. She was able to clearly see and express the troublesome thought at the root of the issue. She is concise and has the ability to reframe as needed. I recently asked Candice to coach me thru some business questions weighing on my mind. After listening for some time, she very wisely pointed out that my thoughts were all very heavy and that it was no wonder I was stuck and wondering how to move forward. She reminded me why I started down this path in the first place. Through our conversation, I remembered a moment shortly after I decided to close my corporate chapter and prior to starting my new coaching chapter. One thing I loved about my previous job was the opportunity to problem solve and think of creative solutions. I loved the concept of working smarter not harder and then creating the results we were trying to achieve. I loved using my corporate brain and being able to flex that muscle that wasn't necessarily being used within my other roles as a wife and mother. When I made the decision to start my own business I realized that I was going to continue flexing my corporate muscle as I created business solutions on my own terms. I had simply lost sight of that desire. I had chosen to focus on the other side of the coin, where the opportunities in front of me were happening to me rather than being something I actually wanted. My new thought became: These are problems I want to solve. This shift in mindset has re-energized me as I regain my emotional independence within my business. I thank Candice for showing me that perspective.

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Independence

By Candice Clark, Professional Certified Coach with Advanced Certification in Faith-based Coaching

When I had a houseful of five children at home and was first navigating being the parent of teenagers, someone recommended that I read the book Get Out of My Life, But First Will You Take Me and Cheryl to the Mall?

By Anthony Wolf. Now I don’t remember who it was, and I don’t remember much of the book, but the title is unforgettable. It gets at the heart of what teenagers are about: differentiating themselves from their parents and moving toward becoming autonomous adults. That’s what we want for them, right? We want them to be independent and pursue their highest desires. At least, when we stop and think about it, that’s what we want for them. In the moments when they are not telling us how ridiculous we are and how much we don’t know, that’s what we want for them.

As my children have all become adults, I’ve realized that teenagers aren’t so different from adults. They just tend to have less life experience and more impulsiveness. My kids have matured, but one of the biggest things that is different now that they’re adults is MY idea of how much they should listen to me and do what I think they should do.

The book title Get Out of My Life, But First Will You Take Me and Cheryl to the Mall? speaks to two basic human needs that even parents can relate to. We want to belong to ourselves (“get out of my life”) and we want to belong with others (“but first connect with me and help me”). And we want to belong in both ways without compromising the other way. It can be tricky to balance even as an adult! For teens with increasing independence it is particularly new and unknown territory.

We humans want to belong to ourselves. We want to express our true thoughts and feelings without judgment. We want to experiment with things, to try on attitudes and activities like clothes to see how they fit.

We don’t want to be held to something we tried and decided against.

We want to have room to get to know ourselves and to see that we matter in the world as distinct individuals. At some moments we want the people who think they know all about us to get out of our lives, at least for a little while. On vacation in Europe, my 18-year-old daughter wanted to sleep late and stay in our Airbnb a lot.

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Candice coaches moms whose kids don’t come to church so they can keep their relationship with their children AND their faith.

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Check out her new podcast, 'No Empty Chairs.'

And since we humans also want to belong to others, sometimes even at the same time we wish they would go away, my daughter also wanted it to be okay with me that she didn’t want to have the kind of vacation I originally had in mind where we walked all over French cities from dawn to dusk. We all want people to show us that they care about us by making room for us without making demands on us. It can seem entirely practical and utilitarian on the surface. My teenager wants to go somewhere and I have a car. They are using me to get to the mall. Maybe.

Underneath that, though, is the idea that they can trust us as their parents to act in their interests, to help them meet their desires. In the case of the vacation with my daughter, most days we left earlier than she wanted to and later than I would have preferred. We went more places than she wanted to go and fewer than I would have liked. On my best days, I took it in stride and didn’t hold it over her head as an outrageous sacrifice. The truth is, we were each making adjustments to our preferences to make room for the other one.

I’m not saying that we should do that all the time. What we as parents want to do, what we don’t want to do, and how we want to spend our time matters, too. It isn’t that we’re necessarily right in what we want, just that we are human. Our desires matter. So do the desires of any other members of the family. But it can be helpful to think about our teens as doing a developmental job that they are asking us to help them with, however awkwardly. I prefer that to thinking of them as selfish and disrespectful.

We don’t have to take them to the mall.

We also don’t have to be mad about them asking us to do it.

Now that's

freedom!

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Dr. Bindu Akkanti, MD How to Stay in Medicine Elevate the Individual, Episode 56

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We need humans, not robots, who set clear intentional boundaries.

Exploring the Galapagos

At a time when many doctors are fleeing the medical system and lifelong dreams, Dr. Bindu Akkanti encourages her students to stay. Not only in word, but also in deed. At a young age, Dr. Akkanti learned from

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the best as she shadowed her father within his medical practice. With time she has learned the value of clear boundaries and understands the need to recharge.

Following in her father's footsteps, Dr. Akkanti is on a mission to visit as many countries as possible. Costa Rica has been a favorite.

Dr. Bindu Akkanti is a board-certified physician and an associate professor at McGovern Medical School at The University of Texas Health Science Center at Houston (UTHealth). She is an idealist in thought, doctor by trade and teacher at heart. She's also a daughter, a wife and a mother to three beautiful children. She enjoys teaching medical students, residents and fellows, gardening and traveling. And she believes we have to keep women in medicine.

Heavily affected by the COVID-19 pandemic, Dr. Akkanti created protocols within her profession and family to ensure the ability to travel and recharge her mental, emotional and physical batteries.

Without these boundaries, we drain future doctors of their lifelong dreams and lose highly talented individuals to burnout. Tune into the podcast for more valuable truths from Dr. Akkanti on August 9, 2023.

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Healthy Boundaries with Intention.

A boundary is something you create for yourself. Much like a property boundary, an emotional boundary delineates where one person ends and another starts. Healthy boundaries promote self-responsibility and empowerment which leads to closer relationships with others. Weak boundaries promote enmeshment and emotional childhood behavior, which is divisive in relationships. Healthy boundaries are comprised of a request and a consequence that are communicated when a boundary has been crossed. Please note that the consequence is an action you will take when someone does something. The consequence is not an emotion you will feel when someone does something. You remain in charge of your emotions and actions no matter the choices of others.

USE THESE THREE STEPS TO EFFECTIVELY SET AN EMOTIONAL BOUNDARY: Ask someone to stop doing the thing that infringes on your property, literally or emotionally.

Tell the person what you will do if they do not comply with your request.

FOLLOW THRU WITH THE CONSEQUENCE.

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ESTABLISHING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES SELF COACHING WORKSHEET

Ready to draft a boundary? Remember, this is not a manual for other people.

Boundaries are used to communicate how YOU will act in response to other people's actions.

What is the boundary violation?

What is the boundary you want to set?

The request: If you...

The consequence: Then I will...

What are the benefits of establishing this boundary?

What are your fears (if any) around establishing this boundary?

NEED HELP? Schedule a 1:1 coaching session thru laceyjonescoaching.com to work thru your thoughts.

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Magazine Club RAISING CONFIDENT MOTHERS

COMING SEPTEMBER 2023

SIMILAR TO A BOOK CLUB BUT BETTER 1 HOUR GROUP DISCUSSION AND COACHING IN-DEPTH TRAINING ON CONCEPTS TAUGHT IN THE MAGAZINE ACCESS TO LIBRARY OF PREVIOUS ISSUES HEAD TO THE WEBSITE TO ADD YOUR NAME TO THE WAITLIST

RaisingConfidentMothers.com

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I will not teach you how to protect your mental health. I will, however, teach you how to understand, grow, develop and strengthen your mental health so that you are no longer holding on by a thread. I will help you walk gracefully thru situations that would have sent you cowering.

I will show you how to thrive.