Susa n’s STORY: A high-r isk cl ien t
Susan was married to Al for 25 years, but it was only recently that she began to realise that the relationship was abusive.
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he controlling behaviour had been happening for so many years that it had become normal. Al would stop me from seeing friends or family. He’d tell me what to wear and controlled all the finances. Our daughter left home because of his constant bullying. Al also tried to stop me from talking to her. I couldn’t do anything around the house, even simple things like washing up, unless he gave me permission first. It was very rare that I would even get any time alone as he would follow me around, criticising me and telling me I was disgusting. He told me that I’m not right in the head and that I need help. After a while I began to believe it. He convinced me I was going crazy. He would make it seem as though I was forgetting things. I was too scared to leave the marriage. Al would threaten suicide. He said he would ensure I was the one who found his body and that he would write letters to everyone we knew so they would know his death was my fault. Seeking support In early 2020 I got help for depression and anxiety. The
doctor referred me for counselling and this helped me realise how abusive my relationship was. The counsellor referred me to Stop Domestic Abuse who carried out a risk assessment and allocated me an IDVA (Independent Domestic Violence Adviser) who works with high risk victims. My IDVA knew it wasn’t safe to talk when I was at home so she suggested short and regular phone appointments while I was at work. We had a plan to improve my safety. This included downloading personal safety apps and making a plan for where I could go if I had to leave in a hurry. There were some simple things I hadn’t thought about, like always keeping my mobile in my pocket. Al and I had a joint tenancy and I didn’t want to go to a refuge as I work and wouldn’t be able to take my dogs. Stopped paying the rent and the bills My IDVA helped me obtain an emergency non-molestation order and an occupation order. Al was served by a process server while I was out at work and when I returned to the house that evening I took a friend so we could check
STOP DOMESTIC ABUSE
that he had left. Thankfully he’d gone. Once Al left, my IDVA looked again at my safety. If Al came near I should call the police as this would be a breach of the orders. My parents stayed with me for a while too, which made me feel safer. Al stopped contributing towards the rent and bills. My IDVA advised me to contact the companies quickly. The IDVA also found benefits I’d be entitled to. I can now support myself and live independently in the house. I even paid my first full rent this month. Tactics used by perpetrators Al still tries to control me, saying he’s happy to come off the tenancy, then refusing to do so, or having me pack up his belongings then have the person who was due to collect them say Al has changed his mind. My IDVA said these are tactics perpetrators use. She provides emotional support when I get upset. It feels amazing to finally be away from Al. Life is so much better. For the first time in a very long time I don’t feel as though I am constantly walking on eggshells.”
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