Rob’s Story: Up2You client

ROB’S STORY: uP2u PROgRAMME

Rob was referred to Stop Domestic Abuse’s Up2U programme after he broke his partner’s fingers. The sessions helped control his anger.

Iwas referred to Stop Domestic Abuse’s up2u programme by Children’s Social Care after an

incident with Anna, my partner

at the time. I was drunk and arguing with her. The angrier I got, the more I lost control. I grabbed her hand so hard that I broke her fingers. The sight of her fingers in a splint and bandaged filled me with remorse. I had lost my temper before, often yelling or swearing. This was the first time I lost control to the point of hurting her. I knew I needed help and I needed to learn how to control my anger.

I’ve always been quick to get angry with strangers, particularly men. I had a traumatic childhood and I never realised how the things I had witnessed impacted me.

Recognising others’ emotions

Anna left me after I broke her fingers, taking the children with her. It wasn’t until I saw how out of control I had been that I knew I needed help, not only for my own sake, but for my children too.

I was quite wary of support and scared I’d be judged and labelled as a bad person. I convinced myself that I didn’t need help changing my unhealthy behaviours and that I was only engaging with support to increase my chances of seeing my children more.

I soon realised that the Up2U Facilitator wasn’t there to pass judgement. I began to realise that only I am responsible for my actions.

The Up2U programme helped me discuss my feelings and emotions. It’s helped me understand how I can work to avoid conflicts by reacting differently in certain situations. I can now recognise other people’s emotions as well, by working harder to notice how they are feeling and by paying attention to their body language and by really listening to them.

Someone cared about my progress

I was being supported by the Up2U programme when lockdown started. It was quite isolating as I was living on my own.

But the support didn’t stop during lockdown, instead my support worker delivered phone sessions. These gave me opportunities to discuss my feelings and assess many aspects of my life.

I realised that I was benefiting from exercising daily, talking to friends over FaceTime and reading more. It gave me time to stop and focus. Even though I was living on my own, I knew someone was there who cared about my progress. That was a great comfort.

We have started to talk and listen to each other

By identifying healthy and unhealthy behaviours and attitudes within a relationship, I’ve really come to understand the role I played in the breakdown of my relationship. I used to blame my actions on things like having a bad day or having had too much drink, but now I’ve had time to reflect, I understand so much more about why I react to things in certain ways.

I never thought I would practice mindfulness skills but it’s really helped me to understand my emotions and feelings. It helps me to take a moment to pause and consider the situation before reacting.

I still have a lot of room for personal growth and development, but the programme has taught me so much and has given me the time to work with my ex-partner to co-parent our children. We have started to talk more and listen to each other.