Mo’s STORY: ‘Honou r’ Based A buse Cl ien t
Mo suffered PTSD after his wife’s brother attacked him. Mo came from a culture where domestic abuse was considered dishonourable so he felt too ashamed to speak out.
I
had an arranged marriage to my wife 20 years ago. I moved to the UK and didn’t know anyone apart from members of her family. I also didn’t speak English. My wife stopped work immediately, saying that as the husband I had to provide for her. As soon as we were married, she took control of our finances. I found out recently that my name wasn’t on the housing tenancy. She told me where I should work and how many hours to work. She took my wages and once the rent and bills were paid, she spent the rest on herself. I rarely got to keep any of the money I had worked for. She didn’t want me to go to English classes, saying she would translate for me whenever I needed it. As I was initially in the UK on a spousal visa she threatened to get me deported. We argued a lot, often over money. Whenever I disagreed with her, she threatened to go to the police and tell them I had attacked her. She said she’d tell all our friends I was an abusive husband. I believed her when she said nobody would believe me over her. Money wasn’t the only aspect of life she sought to control. I couldn’t leave the house without telling her where I was going and when I’d return. I felt under constant surveillance. She’d listen to all my phone calls and monitor my phone.
I felt a lot of pressure from her family to be a perfect husband and didn’t feel that I could talk to anyone because I felt ashamed. Last year everything changed. I was outside work when my brother-in-law turned up in a rage and attacked me with a crowbar. My wife had told him that I’d threatened her. He headbutted me and punched me repeatedly. He said he’d kill me if I went to the police. He stole my car keys, keyed my car and took off. I was rushed to hospital and treated for injuries to my face, teeth and chest. The pain was so bad I couldn’t eat for days. Even now I am easily startled by loud noises. The attack was reported to the police and a court date was set. I was so terrified of getting involved with the police and the courts. On the same day that my brother-in-law attacked me, my wife reported to the police that I attacked her. After the attack my anxiety skyrocketed and I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I was so scared to go outside in case I would see my brother-in-law. I was so ashamed. In my culture it’s dishonourable to be abused. I didn’t drive my car for ages. I knew if people saw the damage my brother-in-law did to the car they would ask questions. I wasn’t ready to answer them. I didn’t know who I could turn to help or if anyone
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He headbutted and punched me repeatedly.
STOP DOMESTIC ABUSE
would believe me. However, one of my friends became concerned and recommended Stop Domestic Abuse. I met with an IDVA (Independent Domestic Abuse Adviser) who wrote a letter so I could get legal aid and a Community Development Worker who provided support around community/familial issues. She also speaks my first language, which made the appointments easier. I wasn’t able to return home. When I made a homeless application to the council, the Community Development Worker explained my situation and how my culture had affected the treatment from my wife and her family. But as I was a single man, they were unsure if I was a priority. Eventually I was offered a flat. The Community Development Worker supported me at appointments with my solicitor who was handling the divorce proceeding. She would check afterwards that I understood everything. We spoke about the expectations I felt in my marriage and why what I had experienced wasn’t my fault. I now understand more about domestic abuse and ‘honour’ based abuse. I am in a much better position now. I have my own flat and I am away from my wife and her family. I feel better and I have been able to set new goals, including gaining contact with my children and divorcing my wife. I don’t know where I would be now if it wasn’t for the support I have received from Stop Domestic Abuse. I am so grateful. stopdomesticabuse.uk
