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Hi everyone and once again a huge welcome to another packed edition of your Fuddler! As always please don’t forget to look carefully at those all important messages from our advertisers because without a doubt ‘Whatever you are

C&R PEST MANAGEMENT x40 Yrs experience xFully Insured xSpecial Rates for OAPS! Wasps, Rats, Mice, Rabbits, Moles, etc Free Estimate 01525 288207 07500 431131

looking for you’ll find it in The Fuddler!’ We hope you all enjoy the Easter holidays and we look forward to seeing you again next month. If you decide you would like to advertise with us, all of our contact details are on page four of each issue.

LIDLINGTON CAR BOOT SALE *****************


Darts, Pool & Snooker Equipment

(weather permitting)

Please turn to our ad on page 1

Starts Sunday 1st April For details of times and prices visit our website 01525 405598 rec. msg.


FED UP WITH THE HEADACHE OF BOOKKEEPING? If you are a small business or sole trader contact: Vanessa John AICB CB.Cert

BUSINESS IN BALANCE businessinbalancebookkeeping Tel: 07976 307411 …. for a friendly, no-obligation discussion. Registered Practice 11666.

NEED AN ELECTRICIAN? NIC-EIC Registered All electrical work Testing and Certification Free Estimates AMPTHILL ELECTRICAL SERVICES

01525 632921 07977173452

Get Ready for Summer with



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Bikini £35.00 Lip

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£10.00 £ 6.00 £ 8.00 £ 4.00

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Call Alison on 07956 467352 4 Airedale Close, Flitwick, MK45 1FA Daytime, Evening and Weekend appointments available

i i i i i i i i i

Fully Qualified Apprentice Served Established 28 years Experts in all aspects Quality Guaranteed Public Liability Insured Reliable Professional Service Interior & Exterior FREE ESTIMATES

Tel: 01525 280176 Mob: 07759 240 414

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at!

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We are pleased to offer our special lunchtime menu in addition to our new Spring restaurant menu.

With Spring just round the corner, isn’t it time you considered replacing those doors and windows? Or maybe a new conservatory to enjoy. Don’t compromise on style call into our showroom and see our stunning range of doors and windows including “The Composite Door”.

No window or glazing job too small.


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Family Tree Research

‡–‘–Š‡‘—–•‹”–•‘ˆ–Š‡ ƒ–‹‘ƒŽ’ƒ”ǡ’Ž‡–›‘ˆ …Šƒ”‹‰„ƒ”•ƒ† ”‡•–ƒ—”ƒ–•ǡ™‘†‡”ˆ—Ž ˜‹‡™•ǡʹͷ‹—–‡•†”‹˜‡ –‘–Š‡„‡ƒ…Šƒ†ƒ‹”’‘”–Ǥ


Our family tree research packages start at £60 and include a family tree chart, genealogical report and birth and marriage certificates which authenticate theresearch. 

These Packages make a lovely unique gift for birthdaysandanniversaries. 

Š‡…‘––ƒ‰‡Šƒ•–™‘„‹‰†‘—„Ž‡„‡†”‘‘•ǡ „ƒ–Š”‘‘ǡ‹–…Š‡ǡŽ‘—‰‡ƒ†—–‹Ž‹–›Ǥ ‘—”–›ƒ”†ǡ–‘‡Œ‘›–Š‡•—•Š‹‡Ǥ 

Š‡‹ŽŽƒ‰‡Šƒ•–™‘…‘—ƒŽ™‹‹‰’‘‘Ž•Ǥ or contact us by telephone on 07748012877/email

You may recall that in our February issue we carried the story of Ampthill man, Bob Butcher , who was planning a charity trek to the Sahara Desert in Morocco. Bob has now completed the trip and returned to the UK. Bob says, “ It was the most exciting and memorable experience you can imagine. Four days in the desert , crossing both very rocky and sandy terrains , including some massive sand dunes up to 100 metres high all under a perfect blue sky and with temperatures up to 30 degrees C really brings it home to you how vast the Sahara is. And we only saw a very small part of it.” “There were thirteen trekkers in our group , a team leader and a Berber guide. Everyone was raising money for something, so the charities will have benefited by thousands of pounds overall.” “Thanks to the generosity of my family, friends, neighbours, the Committee and members of the Wingfield Club Ampthill, and work colleagues and associates, I have raised in excess of £2000 for Cancer Research UK” “I would like to thank everyone for their kind donations. If anyone would like to make a donation the just giving web page will be open for another week or so at robert-butcher01004”




Ampthill Town Band celebrates Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee by commissioning ‘The Ampthill Suite’. This is new composition, by trumpet player and band member Joe Morris, reflects the landscapes, history and culture of Ampthill in a contemporary style. Written for Brass Band, the Suite comprises three movements, each linked to Ampthill’s heritage. The first movement, The Great Park, reflects the grandeur and diversity of Ampthill Park. The second, Aragon, celebrates the splendour and eventual tragedy of Ampthill’s connection with Katherine and the Spanish Court. Movement three, King’s Wood, portrays a jovial Henry VIII in happier times, ending the suite on a note of optimism. The premier performance, introduced and conducted by the Composer, takes place on Saturday April 21st, 2012 in the Methodist Church, Ampthill. Come along to join the band’s contribution to the Jubilee Celebration. Programmes on the door - £5, children free. Half of the proceedings will go to the Parkside Hall Fund.

Local lass undertakes charity parachute jump! See page 16 for more!

To Let

Sharman Law S O L I C I T O R S Incorporating Sharman & Trethewy

The Solicitors who care for you, your family and your business 88 Dunstable Street, Ampthill Telephone: 01525 750 750 1 Harpur Street, Bedford Telephone: 01234 30 30 30 Email: Website:

AMPTHILL TOWN CENTRE LOCATION A SUITE OF 2 SELF CONTAINED OFFICES WITH SHARED WELFARE FACILITIES AND PRIVATE PARKING x Convenient Town Centre location x 422 sq feet N.I.A x Rent £625.00 pcm inclusive of Rates and

Utilities x Private Parking x Shared Kitchen and Welfare facility x Gas Central Heating Please telephone 01525 403333 for further details or request to view

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at!

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LORD DEE’S PONDERINGS I was fondly recounting the time when I had explained to the late great Check-It-Out and my old mate Duster that smoking was futile and therefore it was time to give it up. The assembled company then asked what was the point of having a smoking jacket.

Such impertinence.

ALL BRICKWORK AND REPAIRS PLUS REPOINTING No job too small Please ring Joe 01525 404334

Across: 1 Aptly, 4 Keeps, 10 Panacea, 11 Dhoti, 12 Otter, 13 Giraffe, 15 Need, 17 Sheer, 19 Ochre, 22 Oslo, 25 Fairest, 27 Lapse, 29 Odour, 30 Cruised, 31 Aster, 32 Heist

Down: 2 Pinot, 3 Lucerne, 5 Elder, 6 Proffer, 7 Spoof, 8 Cadge, 9 Sited, 14 Idol, 16 Eros, 18 Heinous, 20 Collude, 21 Afoot, 23 Stuck, 24 Seedy, 26 Eyrie, 28 Poses



I left the tortoise on the trampoline it will keep him amused for a fortnight.

“The Fuddler� is published by MDA Publications and printed by Fidelity. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of the publisher. No part of this publication may be copied in any form or by any means without written permission of the Publisher. Copyright MDA Publications.

Like to book an ad, or ask about our absurdly low rates please ring Martin on


Call in today to view the extensive range of stoves and fireplaces, now including the UK's finest range of woodburning stoves from Clearview 1, Bedford Street, Ampthill, Beds Tel: 01525 841199 Mon - Fri: 10am - 5pm Sat: 10am - 4pm

An even bigger and better Ampthill Fireplaces! Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at

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Fascia, soffit, all guttering and fixings


Stop blocked gutters and keep those gutters clean!

Tools & Fixings counter NOW OPEN!

Easy to fit - all colours available from stock - or ask about our fitting service

x Underground drainage x Paving inspection chambers x Sand, cement, plaster, tools,

dust sheets, gloves etc.

PRODUCT & BUILDING ADVICE AVAILABLE With over 22 years experience of building

Free local delivery CELEBRATING OUR 1ST YEAR IN AMPTHILL! We would like to thank all our customers and welcome new customers into our 2nd year.



AMPTHILL PLASTICS Unit 20 Ampthill Business Park, Station Rd, Ampthill T

01525 888510


07957 435556

Mon-Fri 7.30-4.30 Sat 8-12

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Electrical Contractor Domestic and Industrial Your local Electrical Contractor All types of testing and certification undertaken

FREE QUOTATIONS NICEIC Approved Contractor Working with Ampthill Town Council 11 Cedar Close, Ampthill, Bedford, MK45 2UD

Tel & Fax: 01525 714057 Here’s another of Marjorie’s fine crosswords for our entertainment 2






8 9





14 16



19 20



23 24








Sandra’s been busy again looking through her big book of words (dictionary?) and brings us the word below. (Nothing to do with the crossword.) Just look at the hexagon and see whether or not the word jumps out at you! (Answer at the bottom of the page if it doesn’t!)



Down: 1 Tenth of a dime (5) 2 Purify (6) 3 Small rings (8) 4 Lucidity (7) 5 Marmalade (7) 6 Fettle (9) 9 Viva Voce (4) 14 Mountebank (9) 16 Cogitate (8) 18 Assign (8) 19 Division (7) 21 Profanity (4) 23 Grade (6) 24 Disseminate (4)



Painting and Decorating For all your interior and exterior decorating requirements.

*Maintenance *Drainage *Driveways *Landscaping *Fencing


Contact: Andi Brackenridge T: 07789 681252 Email:

Professional, clean, reliable and friendly service. Fully insured. For a free competitive quotation please call 01525 404645 or Mobile 0774 7755943

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Across: 7 Incontrovertibly (9) 8 Besom (5) 10 Jeopardize (8) 11 Sojourn (6) 12 Forthwith (4) 13 Sanction (8) 15 Harbour (7) 17 Swathe (7) 20 London hill (8) 22 Extra (4) 25 Veneer (6) 26 Small children (4,4) 27 Tenet (5) 28 Endured (9)



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Lots of other machines in stock from £99.00 1200 spin speed Also fully reconditioned & guaranteed Repairs - servicing to German built quality Delivered and installed to existing washing machines, tumbles pipe work FREE dryers, dishwashers and Old machine removed electric cookers £150.00 BILL JONES 07763 668 500 When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at!

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SpecialistsinallaspectsofPLASTERING. AlsoaHANDYMANSERVICEAvailable. PleasecallAlan:

Times to suit you. 1st assessment FREE 45 mins lessons ALL AGES


For further information contact

Guy on 07811 364 328

Benedictus of the ‘9Tails’.......... Time seemed an eternity in that cold store room and Benedictus began to wonder if he would ever find freedom again….he was hungry and afraid. Then, quite suddenly the opportunity of escape arose. The formidable gentleman entered the store room, the door slamming loudly behind him as he did so obviously looking for something in ernest because papers from the shelves went flying every where as he searched. Benedictus seized the moment and positioned himself in the shadows by the door ready to whiz through once it was opened again. The formidable

gentleman must have found what he was looking for and swung open the door and left the room … followed by Benedictus. But disaster struck….in his haste Benedictus got his tail caught and as he went through the door he was not quick enough and it slammed trapping his back leg….the pain, oh the pain… Bennie let out a pitifully cry. On hearing this the formidable gentleman immediately turned round. Bennies heart sank….not only was he trapped but the formidable gentleman was coming towards him with a face like thunder. Benedictus closed his eyes and waited for the worst. But, to his surprise the formidable gentleman opened the door releasing Bennie’s leg. The formidable

gentleman bent down to pick him up. He held Bennie close to him and began to gently stroke him. Benedictus was confused. He slowly and bravely opened his eyes….to see the formidable gentleman smiling down at him …kindness written all over his face. Tucking Bennie under his arm the formidable gentleman trundled off into the kitchen where there was a roaring fire and carefully placed Benedictus down on the mat…. Many weeks passed and Bennie found happiness in the home of the formidable gentleman. His leg slowly got better and Bennie was able to show his talents in ‘mice hunting’ which always pleased the formidable gentleman. They became firm friends and this little cat changed the life of that

gentleman…for now he had something to care for… However, time does not stand still and Benedictus’s patience was about to be rewarded. One evening in the late autumn, the sky was clear save one lone star which seemed to sway very gently in the easterly breeze. Benedictus knew it was time to once again find the Golden Key. He looked round the kitchen his heart was heavy. He did not want to leave…but he knew he must. As he was let out for his nightly run by the formidable gentleman Benedictus paused once more to look up at that kindly face and he knew in that moment he would never see him again. He sped off into the night… and the unknown …. into time itself… Copyright reserved

Skip and Helen welcome you to

OSSORY ARMS 9 Arthur Street, Ampthill 01525 841188


May Bank Holiday Sunday BBQ from DISCO

6th May




Live music with OUR KEV

Sun 3rd June

Disco + Karaoke

Monday 4th June

BBQ and Afternoon Street Party

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Free WiFi

The Wingfield Club Limited 37 Church Street Ampthill MK45 2PL Office: 01525 841736 FFi Open 09.00 to 12.30 Affiliated to the C.I.U.

Managed by the community for the community Free WiFi Pop in this April 2012 and have a look, if you like what you see fill in a membership form. Its £10 annual fee plus £3 for C.I.U. card which allows access to all C.I.U. clubs in England, Wales & Scotland. Ask at the bar

We’re across the road from St. Andrews Church with a large free car park for members and their guests. We cater for Weddings, Birthdays, Christenings and Wakes and support local charities with free facilities.

Large Lounge Bar

From April We’ll have the SKY Ultimate Package & For the 2012 – 2013 Football season Luton will be premiered on our 5’ x 5’ Projector screen in HD In our large lounge

Your membership allows you access to the CHEAPEST BAR in AMPTHILL Automatic invitation to all its social functions plus preferential rates for hiring rooms

Look out for our add in the Fuddler for Beer Festivals and Wine tasting experiences Recognised by CAMRA for our cask ales When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at!

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Don’t forget Town Hall Antiques in Woburn. A wide variety of Antiques, the biggest stock of Moorcroft around and always quirky things. If you’re looking to sell antiques speak to Elfyn 01525 290950. Market Place, Woburn, Beds. MK17 9PZ Open Every Day email:

With Jimmy The Voice JTV has been very kind to everyone this month and left some Easter eggs out on the stairs ...

Happy Birthday ‘Hayleyweeney’ for the 26th April! By Julio Van Peebles 1) Why don't we have Easter trees? 2) If a team of stalkers were to play football and one went for the ball, would they all go? 3) How can you be 'full of yourself ?' 4) Is the grass really greener on the other side? 5) Do people at NASA ever say "come on, it's not rocket science is it?" Julio’s Top Tip: Never check the depth of the water with both feet !!

Love from everyone!

10th APRIL This is very, very nice of him but we don’t think that this is a possibility! But, what do you think?

Happy 90th Birthday Mum

Happy Birthday to Bob for 8th April

(Gwen Short) love from all the family xxx

Norman Mole


Architectural Design & Building Consultants

• Plans drawn for Home Extensions, New Build & Light Commercial • Structural & Thermal Calculations • Complete Service from Consultation, Design & Project Management • Free initial Consultation to discuss your Proposed Project

Tel/Fax: 01525 862121 Mobile: 07831 224064 Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at

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Ampthill Methodist Church, Chandos Road Mondays 5.30pm and 7.30pm Tuesday 9.15am Your consultant is Tammie 01525 841092

Flitwick Cricket Club, Next to Flitvale Garden Centre Wednesdays 4pm, 5.45pm and 7.30pm Your consultant is Diane 01234 741334

I absolutely, totally refuse to ask my phone to remind me to get some milk, or whether I have any appointments. My friend’s husband is so silly that he went to the pound shop and asked for a price list. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. All work and no play makes a normal day for a working mother. If you accidentally get a tan while working from home, report in sick and stay in bed till the tan’s gone. That was not a romantic clinch. Don’t you know anything about the Heimlich manoeuvre? Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again. Anti ageing creams are the triumph of hope over experience. On average a car driver will swear at least 32,000 times in their lifetime of driving. If you wish to retain privacy in a railway carriage, beckon to passers by from the window, Happiness comes through doors you didn’t know you left open.

1. ‘Fiacre’ is the Patron Saint of whom? 2. In which sport would you find a ‘Waggler’? 3. In which year was the song ‘Summer Is Icumen In’ written? 4. Where would you find a ‘Lateral Moraine’? 5. A ‘Den’ is the collective noun for which creature? 6. If you suffered from ‘Doraphobia’ of what would you be frightened? 7. Instant mashed potatoes were invented in which year? 8. Where in England is a place called ‘Maggots End’? 9. At what age was Mozart writing Minuets? 10.A Knight who led men into battle was called what? 1 Gardeners, 2 Fishing, 3 1240, 4 Glacier, 5 Snake, 6 Fur, 7 1962, 8 Essex, 9 Six, 10 Banneret

Babs went to see her doctor as she had two bright red ears. The doctor asked what had happened. Babs explained that as she was ironing a shirt the telephone rang with a call asking if she had been involved in any accidents and did she want to claim compensation. Unfortunately instead of picking up the phone she accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to her ear. ‘Oh dear’ said the doctor, ‘But what happened to your other ear?’ ‘The wretch called back. But at least now I’ve got a claim.’ replied Babs sensibly.


Suffering with Account Headaches? Stupefied by Tax Returns? Struggling with Tax Surcharges?


Speak to us for a Free Consultation

2nd Chef Bar Staff


07790 672699

Flexible hours + excellent rates of pay Email your details to Louise on or call on 01525 288111

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at!

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CANCER (June 22-July 23) It would appear that after the full moon you will be able to achieve a lot of things that you have been wanting to do for some time.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23-Jan 20) Finances are looking pretty good right now so why not enjoy your newly found good fortune and perhaps plan an exploration of travel.

LEO (July 24-August 23) After a sticky patch there is every indication that you are heading for good fortune. Keep thinking in a positive light

AQUARIUS (Jan 21-Feb 19) Now the apparent confusion in your life is drawing to a close you will be able to forge ahead with the plans that you have made.

VIRGO (Aug 24-Sept 23) Your planetary aspects seem to indicate that your love life is heading towards a particularly positive time. Happy times are indicated.

PISCES (Feb 20-March 20) When you are very busy it is easy to overlook the important things in life. Take care not to ignore good advice from friends and family.

LIBRA (Sept 24-Oct 23) Travel seems to be at the forefront of your mind just now. Perhaps you are planning to escape from it all or maybe just jetting off to enjoy things

ARIES (March 21-April 20) The one thing that seems so near may actually be so far away. But if you trust your instincts you will probably find that all will turn out well.

SCORPIO (Oct 24-Nov 22) With spring in the air will it mean good times ahead for you? The outlook seems confusing in the astral world, but there is one strong thread.

TAURUS (April 21-May 21) With your ever generous heart be careful not to let people take advantage of you. And in particular beware of accepting advice.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23-Dec 22) And so you can if you wish. The only barriers that are there are self created. Think positive and al will ultimately be well. Go for it.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21) Don’t be fooled by someone offering an over easy solution. Listen to your inner self and take your own counsel. Then all will be well.

Bank Holiday Weekend Saturday 5th, Sunday 6th & Monday 7th May

Enjoy a Weekend of Real Ales & Ciders 10 different varieties of Sausages Pig Roasts Live Music on Saturday & Sunday evenings TheȱGreenȱManȱ ChurchȱEndȱ Eversholtȱ MK17ȱ9DUȱ Telephoneȱ–ȱ01525ȱ288111ȱ Websiteȱ

Homemade food served in a friendly and relaxed atmosphere x Home made Italian Food x Vegetarian Dishes x Birthdays

x Parties x Special Occasions x Seats up to 80 People

91, Dunstable Street Ampthill Tel: (01525) 404666

Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at

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EASTER 2012 What a cracking time of the year, We hear the local children cheer, And as the children get egg-cited, They can choose from our egg-cellent deals which have all been highlighted (blue and yellow stickers). With Easter eggs from just a pound, A great eggs-ample of the great deals that can be found. With chocolate chickens or are they hens, All free range of course, you know, not kept in pens. Also Easter gifts out on display Eggs-citing ideas to make Easter a special day. I would also like to remind we have 3 Cadburys crème eggs for just £1, Another good eggs-ample of the eggs-traordinary offers that can be found. So now there’s no egg-cuse for you not to visit You will find our offers quite egg-quisite. Oh and I would like to say to our meerkat friend, Who has been ill, so I hope you’re on the mend. I’ve been reading your tales of when you’ve been out and about, So watch out watch out there’s a meerkat about. (Meerkat’s musings page?) Happy Easter FROM YOUR LOCAL NEWSAGENT MARTINS 17 CHURCH STREET AMPTHILL 01525 404096

Dunstable Street Ampthill

Tel: 01525 403319 email: Engine & Tender - Bar

Superb Value Quality Food Served Monday to Friday 12.00 - 2.00 Plus ... GREAT EVENING MENU Served Monday to Thursday 5.00 - 8.00

DISCOUNT MOTs IN AMPTHILL Plus ... Ÿ Servicing and repairs for all types of vehicles Ÿ Free local delivery and collection Ÿ Bodyshop Ÿ Tyres and exhausts Ÿ Courtesy car available Ÿ Discounts for Pensioners Ÿ Vehicle recovery service We are a family run business who have been working in the motor trade for over 40 years

Total Fleet Care Unit 5, Vass Industrial Estate, Station Road, Ampthill, MK45 2RB

Telephone: 01525 405055 Mob: 07821 179619 / 07891 282689 Web:

Choose from 10 dishes from an incredible £5.00 each!! Please ring or pop in for more details


Thursday May 3rd Please pop in for details


Join us Monday May 7th

Sunday 22nd April

QUIZ NIGHT - Cash Prizes!


When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at!

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- Darts & Accessories - Pool / Snooker Cues & Equipment - Chess - Backgammon - Playing Cards - Dominoes - Cribbage

The Frog Racing Night is back by popular demand, raising money for Ampthill Festival. Those of you who have been before will know what a great night it is …. and the frogs are just pretend! Those of you who enjoy a little flutter can bet on each race and/or buy a frog for just £1 (with a 1 in 8 chance of winning £5!) All will be explained on the night! Tickets are £7.50 which includes a light buffet and as there is no licensed bar please bring your own favourite tipple. **Those of you with local businesses have a great opportunity to promote your business on the night by sponsoring a race for £25 or a table for just £10.

The event is at Parkside Hall and starts at 7.30. To get your tickets please contact Belinda on 07880 734148 or Jill on 07840 932930 or just pop into the Cottage Bakery on Dunstable Street. If you would like to promote your business with sponsorship just give Belinda or Jill a ring. **Remember Festival Dates for your Diaries: AmpRocks Friday 29th June; Proms in the Park Saturday 30th June, Gala Day 1st July. We also have a very warm welcome for any volunteers who want to help with all or any of the above. Ring Jill Rose on 07840932930/ and keep checking our website:

Special Offers: Free soft cue case worth £14.50 with any 50/50 cue. Free unicorn dart leather wallet worth £5.50 with any £50.00 purchase. Free repointing service worth £5.00 and dart points worth £0.40 with any £30.00 puchase on darts.

Come visit our shop or buy online Opening times: Mon - Fri: 9.00 - 17.00 Sat: 10.00 - 15.00 Burgoine Business Center 117 Clophill Road, Maulden, Bedford, MK45 2AE

01525 862319

Can you believe it we're 2 years old this April! A big thank you to everyone for your ongoing support and for voting us South Beds CAMRA pub of the year 2012.

Russell & the team 36 Dunstable Street, Ampthill Telephone 01525 634857

Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at

Page 15

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at!

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T Butlin Building and Plastering Est 1987

For your extensions, renovations, alterations, Upvc fascias / soffitts, guttering, block paving and all plastering. Tel: 01525 405670 / Mob: 07778 680393

Also offering:

Impressions Female decorators All aspects of painting and decorating. With female finesse to make the most of your home Tel 01234 751282 or 01525 405670 / Mob: 07944 710179

On the 25th August this year, local lass Donna Elmore is taking part in a sponsored Skydive in aid of Macmillan Cancer Support in memory of her Dad Michael (Eddie) Elmore of Queens Road Ampthill. Donna’s target to be raised is £1,000 and all the money will go to Macmillan as she has funded the jump herself. As she says ‘I know times are hard at the moment but with CANCER now touching 1 in 3 people, this is a fantastic cause! To pledge anything you can afford, please go to Thank you for any support you can offer, it means a lot to me!’

AMPTHILL OPEN GARDENS (part of the 2012 Ampthill Festival)

CALLING ALL AMPTHILL GARDENERS! It’s not too late to join other Ampthill residents and open your garden on the afternoon of Sunday 24 June 2012. Now’s the time to get going on the garden - deadheading, dividing, seed sowing and generally tidying up. And, if you enjoy that, why not join us this summer, the third year of this event, and show off your garden to like-minded people? Gardens can be any size or shape, any style or design and you don’t have to worry about the odd weed! If you are willing to take the plunge – and it’s really not that daunting – please contact me, Angie Murdoch, on 01525 403076, or email me on and I will be happy to give you more details.

Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at

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When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at!

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Local Carpet and Upholstery Cleaning Service

‘Providing a Hassle


service from our professional and friendly cleaners’

All furniture moved and replaced

All work fully insured and guaranteed

Stain and odour removal

Stain Shield protective treatments

*** See our new website at uk *** CALL NOW FOR A FREE NO OBLIGATION QUOTE

01525 862744 / 07999 909982 Email:

With Archie Fairweather I decided it was time to get the old banger cleaned and my neighbour recommended the hand car wash in the High Street in Flitwick. I duly popped up to see them (they are just behind the van sales place) drove in and at least 6 jolly chaps whizzed up, blitzed the car, dried it, did a splendid job and the whole thing cost me a fiver!! Next time though, I’ll have the inside done as well as I didn’t have time on this occasion. Mrs F. is delighted and says she no longer feels embarrassed at being seen in such a filthy car!


In the wooded, romantic surroundings of Millbrook it was not surprising that tales of ghosts flourished amongst the inhabitants. According to local legend, fairy gold was buried on Money pot Hill, south west of the village. On certain nights when the moon was full, those people seeking the treasure assembled in deathly silence. For it was believed that the slightest sound would warn the

Happy Birthday to Peter for the 14th April, from your younger brother!

fairies, who would remain hidden and fail to disclose the hiding place of their gold. One day long ago, the church windows began to glow with ghostly light which grew brighter and brighter until the brave people plucked up courage and climbed the hill to church to investigate the churches strange brilliance. No explanation was found and the villagers returned to their homes in the darkness of night with the mystery unsolved. Lissie

Happy 60th 50th Birthday to ‘Fenny’ for the 4th April!

I see that a recently opened shop is offering ‘25% off all piercings including skin divers’. Whilst it is admirable to see adventure sports e n t h u s i a s t s n o t b e ing discriminated against, one has to ask the question ‘Why would a skin diver want piercings as surely the holes would let the water in’. P.S. The over-the-hill exlandlord is getting quite excited (could be dangerous at his age) about the rapidly improving weather conditions as this will enable him to pursue his piscatorial pleasures. The offer to borrow my rod still stands if he wishes to improve on last season’s rather disappointing results.

FREE PRESCRIPTION DELIVERY Can’t get to the chemist or surgery? A full range of original and compatible ink cartridges and toners paper, envelopes, pens, binders etc all at competitive prices

Don’t worry, we’ll pick up your prescription from your surgery and deliver your medication to your door.

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Page 19

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A BIG Happy Birthday to Lanie for the 27th April

By Sultan Sheik

1) SEGG ........ What is that yellow stain on your shirt? 2) ANOOVA .... A vacuum cleaner 3) FEBRY .............The 2nd month of the year 4) DUNARFAKE ........ It's annoyingly painful 5) VERIAPI ....Really quite content in Italy Birthday Greetings to Katy for the 16th April

Motorcycles always wanted in any condition - parts or whole Happy Birthday ‘Tinky Winky’ for the 20th!

With Flora the Explorer Sometimes, air crew make an effort to make their in-flight announcements a bit more entertaining .... ‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.’ From the pilot during his welcome message: ‘We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.’ An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, ‘Thanks for flying XYZ airline.’ He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had disembarked except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, ‘Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?’ Thanks for those Flora - please send us more!

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What’s on at The Queens Head ... 20th - 23rd APRIL Weekend Celebration for St George’s Day !


MAY DAY CELEBRATIONS! Open from 7.00 am for delicious full English Breakfast with Redbornstoke Morris Dancers and other dancers after they have danced in the sunrise in Ampthill Park!

QUIZ NIGHT EVERY WEDNESDAY 9.00 pm - no entry fee and everyone welcome

SUMMER LADIES DARTS LEAGUE Meeting each Wednesday - please ask for details.

SUNDAY LUNCHES Delicious Roasts served all day

PRIVATE PARTIES CATERED FOR Please ask for details

REAL ALES Up to 8 real ales available for your enjoyment.

CATCH THE LAST OF THE DAY’S SUNSHINE! On our sunny side patio

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Page 20

After we showed you pictures of your Fuddler being read in Australia, we have been sent these delightful photographs! To the left is Jonathan Dart reading his copy on a pyramid in Mexico, and below Pat and John Neal in a bar in Sicily! Excellent! Thank you so much for sending them to us! Do you have a photo of someone reading their Fuddler somewhere overseas? Please send them to

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Alice Springs to Well 35 on the Canning Stock Route 1976 Day 5 It really did feel better on the way back. We knew the state of the track and we had not got lost. A serious point here, I had got lost on several occasions in the past when the map and reality did not agree, but my training, fairly basic, “Army outward bound”, always stressed one point. “trust your navigation aids”, e.g. Map and Compass! But as mentioned back in The Fuddler, November 2007, the combination of unreliable instruments and human frailty can let you down! ( I should point out that on the occasion mentioned in Nov 2007, the instrument, a compass, was not faulty, but iron ore in the ground was altering the apparent direction of magnetic north!). Anyway, when you get irrefutable proof that you are where you meant to be, it does aid confidence. I probably said this before, a quote from a 17th Century Dutch (or maybe Portuguese), navigator; “It is better to not know where you are, and KNOW you don’t know where you are, than to think you know where you are and be WRONG” I really love that, it is so true! I know it sounds a bit like AL Gores “There are things we know that we know we know…” But there is also a lot of truth in that if you actually think about it SO we had irrefutable proof that half way through our trip, we were where we thought we should be. What Gerry and I did NOT realise was that his wife Jan had, after 4 days of radio silence decided that we were at least broken down in a defunct vehicle with no form of communication and water running out fast, There are several alternative scenarios varying from painful injuries to being dead that could be crossing her mind. She had by this time booked a twin engine aircraft, (single engine would not have the range), to follow our planned route and look for evidence. Jan did not share her concerns with Jean who was happy to have me out from under her feet for a while! But we did try to get in touch by radio one last time, we stopped by one of the rare sights, a bit of high ground with a tree more than ten feet high, throw the aerial over it and started calling nearby cattle stations, now these stations are all over the place but probably not manned all the time and not closer than 50-100 miles, the idea was to get a message back to Alice by bouncing it from station to station. It seemed to work for a while but after a couple of bounces, we had a call from the Flying Doctor Service asking if this was an emergency? Well of course, for us this was not an emergency, so we said we are fine, hoping they would relay that onward. Using RT appropriate language which failed to mask a degree of intolerance, we were told to clear the airwaves and shut up. Feeling a bit hurt and not wishing to make an exhibition of ourselves, we went all Aussi Bloke and opened a can of beer before finding that dumped tuck we passed the day before and scavenging some treasure, Water tanks, Maps and the air filter cleaning instruction label. Prof Reginald V Q da Ghama IPA With kind permission of Jim Barr

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Page 23

Birthday greetings to Roger for the 7th April

Here’s a little more whimsy from one of our readers:

‘I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.’ Oh Dear! But thanks! Happy Birthday Choc for 5th April!

And that’s the darn thing of it!

With Howie The bandage was wound around the wound. The farm was used to produce produce. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. We must polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of injections my jaw got number. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

Happy Birthday Martin B. for the 22nd

Happy Birthday Rocketman for the 9th April

With Gerard Boughtye

Ampthill is going ‘Totally Locally’ soon! We understand that the aim is to encourage people to support their local businesses and there is to be an exciting launch day on the 29th April with lots going on in the town including offers, tastings, events, local food and crafts, kid’s stuff, demonstrations and a whole lot more! The activities commence at 1.00 pm and everyone will be made most welcome. All the details can be found on the website at

Learn the fascinating art of

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When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at!

Page 24

ARAGON WINDOWS Your local specialist in UPVC for:Windows, Doors, Patio Doors and French Doors, Conservatories Fascia, Soffit and Guttering Our windows and doors are 70mm internally glazed for security. All windows are fitted with fire hinges, locking handles, a twin action espagnolette mushroom headed bolt system, and with vent facility. Doors are fitted with claw and mortice lock, and panels are reinforced. Fully compliant with current FENSA Regulations, plus insurance backed guarantee.

CHRIS FREEMAN Tel/Fax 01525 403992 50 Russell Drive Ampthill Beds Established in 1990 and built on reputation

1. ‘Can I have a new pencil - this one’s run out.’ 2. ‘I’m not going to use matt black paint - it’s too shiny.’ 3. ‘Well that’s that done. I’ve hoovered the bed and changed the room.’ 4. ‘Great television series one actress is playing the part of twins’ ‘Are they identical?’

‘I fink I said somefink silly this month but luckily noone can remember it!’

One of our readers has very kindly sent us this quick and tasty recipe:

CHEEKY TOMATO CHICKEN You need: 4 chicken Supremes and 200 gm bacon from your local butcher 1 doz bottled silverskin onions 1 large can cream of tomato soup Celery to taste Salt and pepper 2 tbs olive oil And of course, something chilled for you to slurp! Here is what you do:

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Preheat your oven to about 170 deg C Cut up the bacon into slices, then heat the oil and brown chicken, remove from pan and fry the bacon. Chop up the celery and blanch it. Then place chicken, bacon, celery, onions into an ovenproof dish and cover with the tomato soup. Season to your liking and pop in the oven for about an hour (not you - the casserole!) And now you have time for another crafty slurp - after all that’s the fun of cooking! Thanks very much, Ma’am

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JO For 17th April Love from all your friends!!

Oh, and me! J x

Happy Birthday for 6th April!



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Page 25

With Lauren Louella Boughalls

Hello everybody! Last month’s picture seemed to fox a lot of people! But well done to Brian and others who correctly identified the photo as Ridgmont Church, albeit taken at rather an obtuse angle! Algi and I haven’t been out cycling this month as Algi has been suffering with a bout of flu, but we did find this delightful old photograph. We believe it was taken in the early part of last century, showing a very calm and peaceful village scene. But do you recognise where it could be?








REFERENCES AVAILABLE Answers by email to or on a postcard to The Fuddler, PO Box 756 Ampthill Bedford MK45 2WZ Answer next month!

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at!

Page 26

OFFICE: SMART Motorcycle Training 38, Kings Road, Maulden, Beds MK45 2DT

TRAINING CENTRE: SMART Motorcycle Training, Redborne School, Ampthill, Beds MK45 2NU

Here’s a little more whimsy and interesting tales and facts from the pen of Montgolfier: Do you know I have never driven over a level crossing? The ones I have crossed over are somewhere between a frozen ploughed field and the Alps. A friend said he was not bald and that he’s just got a high forehead. Perhaps he doesn’t realise that it now almost reaches his back. I’ve just worked out that if I had walked just 1 mile a day since I was born I would now have covered 29,815 miles. Oops, I’ve just realised that you can now work out my age. Yes I am over 40. Statement on TV: ‘These are real people - they are not actors’. (So now we know that actors are not real people.) Did you know that if you were a WWII spitfire pilot and you put your thumb on the firing button you could get rid of all your ammo in 12 seconds. Firing at an enemy plane would only give a 2 or 3 second burst. Spot on. Scientists have now produced a stop watch that is accurate to ten million billionth of a second using a laser method. Could be useful if you are a commuter and want to catch your train on time. A speed camera was erected down in the West Country at a cost of ÂŁ20,000. In the first year it only caught one person speeding. It seems that it was doing its job but I got the impression they only put it there to make money.

Happy Birthday to ‘The Mouse’ for the 27th April!


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Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at

Page 27

Garage Door Solutions Ltd Your local garage door expert for:

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Episode ............? Up in ‘the’ Smoke Just to reassure you; that’s you... yes you who’s reading this now, The Fuddler’s favourite contributor, sorry Arthur it’s not you my old mate, is still going to keep going even though he has moved away from his country residence and returned to the metropolis. I do very much miss the dulcet tones of my peers however, and of Lord Dee himself come to that, even the odd gripe and groan from Old Father Time himself, I hope you wound yourself up an hour a week or so back, now I’m not

there to wind you up in person ...... mind those coins! I also miss the misadventures of my old sparring partner Chef Ordinaire, what with him chasing tins of soup down the high street, mistaking rats for hedgehogs and parking his stunt cycle in hedges whilst he inspects the tarmac close up with his pound shop glasses. The local watering holes are not quite the same here as they are in Fuddler’s World. The local barmaids are certainly not in the same mould as Amms, Bootsie and Fluffy and do not have the likes of Lovely Louise,

’Itchin Rich and the Gnome running the establishments. When I do pop back though, I often meet up with my colleague who compiles the Ramblings from the Bench and I enjoy hearing tales from long ago about local rugby and cricket over a beverage or two, often interrupted by ex-landlord who likes to have his penny’s worth before going off mumbling to himself about what his dog might have got up to at home in his absence. But above all I miss the banter and wit from Fuddles himself, although he has allowed me to join him on the occasional paper round delivering this comic to the villages which gives me the opportunity to stock

up on pies and sausages from a butcher that is certainly not the worst. So fear not one and all, this award winning column will still be appearing for some time to come and watch out for those coins tipping over as it is a sure sign that Mammoth Man’s about, no! pip.

Here’s a bit more nonsense that I’ve just come across: If there are 7 days in a week and 52 weeks in a year, then 7 x 52 = 364. Who’s got the other day?














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Page 28

Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at

The Fuddler April 2012  

A free, lighthearted publication from Ampthill, UK

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