The Fuddler September 2009

Page 1

C&R PEST MANAGEMENT x 40 Yrs experience x Fully Insured x Special Rates for OAPS! Wasps, Rats, Mice, Rabbits, Moles, etc Free Estimate 01525 288207 07500 431131

NEED A LOCKSMITH? Please turn to our ad on page 30

Plus - All aspects of home security

Hello everyone and we hope you enjoyed the holidays! A big welcome to this bright and sunny edition of your Fuddler which we sincerely hope you will enjoy!

Don’t forget that if you have missed an edition you can catch up on our web site at www.thefuddler.com.

Have fun as always with the issue and please remember to look at the ads as ‘Whatever you’re looking for - you’ll find it in The Fuddler!’

If you would like to advertise with us you will find our contact details on page four of each issue.

FIXED PRICE AERIAL INSTALLATIONS

DROVERS ARMS of STEPPINGLEY Saturday 19th September BEER & CURRY FEST with live music Sizzling food from the Barbie 5.30 pm till late Tel: 01525 715697 www.droversarms.eu

WHITEHARTAMPTHILL.CO.UK

10 FANTASTIC EN SUITE DOUBLE ROOMS SUNDAY ROAST SERVED FROM 12.00 - 700 pm TAPAS served from £2.00 per bowl Full A La Carte & bar menu available all day - every day LEARN LATIN SALSA DANCE £5.00 per lesson or £7.00 for 2 lessons Every Thursday from 7.30 pm

Tel: 01525 406863

D & G SHORT

Sharman Law S O L I C I T O R S Incorporating Sharman & Trethewy

The Solicitors who care for you, your family and your business 88 Dunstable Street, Ampthill Telephone: 01525 750 750 1 Harpur Street, Bedford Telephone: 01234 30 30 30 Email: mail@SharmanLaw.co.uk Website: www.SharmanLaw.co.uk

CALL 01525 75 55 50

See our ad on page 20

Do you need a venue for a Friday or Saturday night party?

Ampthill Town FC offers a fully licensed bar, excellent catering facilities and capacity for 80 people

For further information, contact: Pauline Marlow

01525-750217

MOB: 07903 374712

1 to 7 SEATER - PRIVATE HIRE TAXI SERVICE

AIRPORT TRANSFERS - DAYS & NIGHTS OUT COASTAL DAYS OUT - WEST END SHOWS

LUTON AIRPORT RETURN FROM £49.00!

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 2

CHINESE and PEKING CUISINE

WHO DARES - EATS!

Eddie has now stipulated that the customers come to The Dew Drop Inn at their own risk.

He regrets that neither the proprietor nor any member of staff are able to accept responsibility for any damage caused to them whilst eating his food on the premises !

111, Dunstable Street, Ampthill Telephone: 01525 840096

With Autumn just around the corner, isn’t it time you considered replacing those doors and windows?

Or maybe a new conservatory to enjoy. Don’t compromise on style call into our showroom and see our stunning range of doors and windows including “The Composite Door”.

No window or glazing job too small.

33, RUSSELL DRIVE AMPTHILL

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 3

THE ALBION ARMS 36 Dunstable Street Ampthill Staples Garden Centre, Fordfield Rd, Millbrook, MK45 2HZ

UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT (We are sure you know!)

Telephone 01525 402959 Workshops & Clubs available - please come in and pick up a newsletter with all the details.

We stock card making supplies, decoupage, water colour supplies and much more!

All bottled beers, lagers, pints -

£2.50 all day every day!

NEW!

JEWELLERY WORKSHOP

NOW HERE!

FREE POOL

Please pop in shop for dates.

DMC Silks Aida, evenweave,

Open 7 days a week 11.00 - 11.00

Cross stitch, embroidery & tapestry kits Ordering service available for kits - please ask

AMPTHILL INNER WHEEL Invite you to a

Saturday 24th October sees the 2nd Annual Wartime Dance at Parkside Hall in Ampthill, with music from the era. Starting at 7.00 for 7.30 until late, the evening features ‘Kas - The Forces Sweetheart’ Ampthill Town Band, and Paul Roberts and the Swingers!

Tickets are priced at £20.00 which includes hot / cold buffet. There is also a licensed bar, real ale, raffle and prize for best fancy dress (Period dress optional, but appreciated) with all proceeds to local charities.

For more information or to book your ticket please contact 07876 470503

“LIGHT MUSICAL EVENING” by the PULLOXHILL SINGERS Maulden Village Hall Saturday 10th October 2009 at 7pm Buffet Meal/BYO Drinks & Glasses In aid of “Battle Back” (Help for Heroes) and other charities supported by Inner Wheel

Tickets available now on 01525 406126 & 01525 402961

£15 each Saturday 10th October sees a Charity Car wash at Ampthill Fire station in Oliver Street in aid of Leonard Cheshire Disability. The event is from 9.00 am - 3.30 pm. Not only can you have your car washed and leathered but full valet services will be available too! We understand prices start at £5.00.

MacMillan coffee morning Sept 25th - see page 16

On 26th September at 7.30 pm the Ampthill Methodist Church is having a gala concert by the Vauxhall Male Voice Choir along with various guest artistes in aid of the building fund which includes the installation of a lift, disabled toilets and other facilities.

These improvements will benefit the wider community as there are numerous non church groups who use the church for their many diverse activities.

Advance tickets at £7.00 are available from 01525 402416 or 01525 406674

WILSTEAD VILLAGE HALL COTTON END ROAD WILSTEAD MK45 3BX Available for hire during the day and evenings for children’s parties, family gatherings, tea parties and club meetings.

If you need to hire the hall at short notice, please telephone the Booking Secretary to confirm availability and full hire charges.

Contact Roisin Whittle, the Booking Secretary on 01234 740935 for availability More details at www.wilstead.ik.com Weekdays 8 am - 6 pm From £ 7.25 p/hour Weekends 8 am - 6 pm From £10.30 p/hour

NOW OPEN AT 12 CHURCH STREET, AMPTHILL OPPOSITE THE POST OFFICE Tel: 01525 405 929 x FANTASTIC RANGE OF WINES, SPIRITS AND BOTTLED BEERS x KNOWLEDGEABLE STAFF x WINE AND WHISKY TASTINGS x 4 FOR 3 ON A SELECTION OF WINES x CASE DISCOUNTS

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 4

LORD DEE’S PONDERINGS I was chatting to CheckIt-Out (and the Archbishop by the way) and explaining about the time when I was walking Duster in the Park. I met a Lady and Gentleman, fellow dog walkers, and the Lady remarked how well Duster behaved and how she wished her own dog would behave that well. ‘Yes but he doesn’t live with ME’ I replied much to the amusement of the Gentleman!

Ciao

A BRIANISM Someone asked me recently if I had ever ‘Twittered’.

I said yes but only after six pints of beer and a Vindaloo.

MICK HULATT CARPENTRY SERVICES QUALITY CRAFTSMAN EST.1990 FOR ALL ASPECTS OF CARPENTRY & BUILDING WORK Call: 01525 713590 or 07949 072133 E-mail: mickhulatt@aol.com

Across: 1 Silence, 5 Pleas, 8 Optic, 9 Modesty, 10 Evident, 11 Irene, 12 Please, 14 Ogress, 17 Gloat, 19 Ability, 22 Accused, 23 Piece, 24 Tardy, 25

Related Down: 1 Score, 2 Lattice, 3 Nacre, 4 Enmity, 5 Padding, 6 Ensue, 7 Shyness, 12 Pageant, 13 Satisfy, 15 Eminent, 16 Madder, 18 Oscar, 20 Impel, 21 Yield

DISCOS FOR ALL OCCASIONS For The Very Best Disco Around All The Latest Chart Sounds Great Giveaway Prizes Receptions For ALL Occasions Very Competitive Prices

“The Fuddler” is published by MDA Publications and printed

by Fidelity Print Solutions.

The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of the publisher. No part of this publication may be copied in any form or by any means without written permission of the Publisher. Copyright MDA Publications.

Like to book an ad, or ask about our absurdly low rates please ring Martin on

Tel: Micky or Joolz on 01525 211670

What do you think of our new look?

Answers on the back of a postcard please!

Send your responses to: Ampthill Fireplaces 1 Woburn Street Ampthill, Beds 01525 841199 www.ampthillfireplaces.co.uk When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 5

Photography by

Photography by Andy Webster

Andy Webster

Portraits Themes Abstract Families Portraits

ThreeThemes hour session: £50

Abstract Families

Three hour session: £50 07500 836289 andywebster1000@yahoo.co.uk When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 6

LOCAL BOOK-KEEPER AVAILABLE (SAGE ACCOUNTING QUALIFIED) Tailored to individual requirements – from ½ day per week or fortnight.

Small/medium sized businesses Sole traders & Self-employed VAT & CIS Returns undertaken Also Sage Payroll Alternatively, I can provide Sage tuition to enable you to manage your own accounts – very reasonable rates. (references available).

Please call for more details 01525 261918 or 07968 794251

2

3

3

4

5

6

7

8 9

10

11 12 13

14

15 16

17

18

19 20

21

22

23

OUT FOR LUNCHEON? GOING SHOPPING? TRAVELLING TO A WEDDING? x Arrive in air

For all building work.

• Extensions • Patios • Walls • Driveways Tel: 01525 841835 Mob: 07979 846474

www.june-chapman.co.uk

1

JOHN SMITH General Builder

Across: 1 Face up to running kind of restaurant (4) 3 Severe privation experienced in difficult vessel (8) 9 He examines number of feet in line in diagnostic equipment! (8) 10 Profoundly wise men spend a long time on board (5) 11 Once pair cooked lamb in matchless fashion (12) 13 Briefly army officer cut out magical arrangement (6) 15 He discovers a new friend (6) 17 Quietly defy Gillian where outdoor games take place (7-5) 20 Girl caught in wire netting (5) 21 Get ready for a meeting between two commercial travellers (7) 22 Occurring over a period of considerable duration, like a lengthy period of imprisonment (4-4) 23 Direction to make stew (4)

Down: 1 Made of moulded metal, it is rigid (4-4) 2 Ran into the Football Club to change foreign coin (5) 4 Flyer reached Iran before lunch-time (6) 5 Not contented at all, Sid returned to be paid (12) 6 Glad, for example, Henry the First was difficult in bargaining!

(7) 7 Happen to find a narrow way through the mountains (4) 8 Jobless state gave one Mum plenty of trouble! (12) 12 Tiger makes Dan slope off (8) 14 One cell reserved for Irish girl (7) 16 He shoots from cover with writer, sir (6) 18 Removes all traces of Vera’s embarrassment, in hiding (5) 19 Husband caught at cashregister! (4)

DO YOU WANT TO QUIT SMOKING? If you quit today, you could save up to £1000 by the end of 2009.

conditioned comfort x Leather seating x Up to 6 passengers Please call Liam for more info or prices on

07545 331156

LA exec travel Advance bookings for any occasion Fully insured, licensed and approved

Also: • THEATRE TRIPS • STATION • AIRPORTS

Qualified Hypnotherapist Anna Botsford can help you today.

Call me for an informal chat: Remember, you could save up to £1000 this year alone.

Do it now!

Anna Botsford Dip/Hyp, NLP Practitioner Email: abc.botsford@googlemail.com Tel: 07952 601296

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 7

YOUR LOCAL Memory Foam Mattresses Direct from the manufacturer at trade prices!

No.1 For Scooters, Stairlifts & Mobility Can’t get to us? Call now to organise a free no pressure home demonstration with one of our friendly sales advisors.

Curved & Straight stairlifts available.

At Comfort Mattress we manufacture and distribute high quality Memory Foam mattresses locally from Shefford.

We sell direct to the public and trade cutting out the middle men, allowing us to sell a range of foam products at FANTASTIC low prices!!

Take advantage of massive discounted prices only available from our Factory Outlet at 12C Oldbridge Way, Shefford Ind Est, Beds SG17 5HQ 30% Discount off web site prices with this voucher.

Not to used with any other offer

New and used Scooters, part ex welcome.

Wheelchairs, Ramps, Walking Sticks, Grab Rails, Tri-Walkers, Rollators, Bathlifts, Waterproof Clothing & much more.

For more information call us or visit our website at www.comforthomecare.co.uk

WWW.COMFORT MATTRESS.CO.UK When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 8

Servicing Spares Repairs ON ALL MAKES OF CARS, MOTORCYCLES LIGHT COMMERCIALS OLD AND NEW

* HOSTING FOR FRIENDLY DOGS * DOG WALKING / DAY CARE * PET BOARDING / HOUSE SITTING

MOT’S ARRANGED, MOT WORK CARRIED OUT

CRB checked. Insured. References available

Reasonable Rates

01234 740032 / 07719 783717

Experienced Mechanic

email: petangels@hotmail.com

at the beginning, and three repetitions and not two. To add to the confusion the Rose being talked about in the poem was not the flower but instead a reference to the English painter Sir Francis Rose.

Stein regarded Sir Francis Rose as “as the peer of Matisse and Picasso” His painting hung in her drawingroom in Paris while she relegated a Gauguin to the loo!! Also in the poem she writes about a ‘Jack Rose’ and not a ‘Jack’ rose. The format has now found its place in our language and Nicholas Craig (actor) wrote in 1989 - ‘Bad reviews are bad reviews are bad reviews are bad reviews’ the

The roses have been beautiful this year; so many blooms; fragrant, and exquisitely elegant swaying in the gentle summer breeze. Such beauty deserves more than the sarcastic remark - ‘a rose is a rose is a rose’………………

Like most sayings this one has changed over the period of time and been taken completely out of its original context.

In 1922 Gertrude Stein wrote a poem called ‘SACRED EMILY’ but did not include the line as we say it – no , she wrote “Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose” – upper case ‘R’ with no indefinite article

repetition is correct and no indefinite article. Excellent.

In 1990 Hugo Young daringly wrote, ‘A Tory is a Tory is a Tory, whatever he might think’…….. Ouch!

Again the repetition is incorrect and an indefinite article has crept in at the beginning – dare Meerkat say more?!

Meerkat continued to water the garden and then stopped and looked at her watch…...

‘Oh my’ she thought, ‘it’s getting late, Lionheart’s coffee time.’ ……doesn’t time fly when you are enjoying yourself……….. (reference: A WORD IN YOUR SHELL LIKE by Nigel Rees)

With Geoffrey THE Golfer The argumentative drunk in the club bar had been looking for a fight all afternoon since losing his game. Finally he threw a punch at the player on the nearest bar stool. He ducked and the drunk, losing balance, fell off his stool and onto the floor. By the time he'd disentangled himself from bar stools and dusted himself off, his opponent had left.

‘Did you see that, barman’ he complained. ‘Not much of a fighter was he?’

‘Not much of a driver either, sir. He's just driven over your clubs,’ said the barman gazing out of the window.

GTG

Patricia King Counselling Service Adv. Dip. Couns. & Accred (MBACP) www.pkingcounselling.co.uk

Email: tricia@pkingcounselling.co.uk

Telephone: 01767 - 260588 What is Counselling?

I have experience dealing with:

Counselling offers you a place to explore difficulties you are having in your life with someone who is trained not to judge but to help you explore and unlock your feelings, which may have been hidden for years.

x

It is a process which helps you to look at a personal problem, to understand it and define the options that are necessary for you to get on with your life. The overall aim is to help you develop your own coping skills and draw on your own resources.

x

x x x x x x x

Sexual, physical & emotional abuse Difficulties due to divorce and other changes to the family unit Bereavement Self harming / suicidal thoughts Addictions Low esteem / lack of confidence Eating disorders Obsessive compulsive disorder Panic attacks / other anxiety disorders

Member of UKRCP, CCC & BCAP (Accredited) When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 9

P J Dennis Plumbing & Heating Services Ltd Tel 01525-403924 Mobile 07860-504222. www.pjdennisplumbingandheating.co.uk

Established 21 years & specialising in renewable energy.

Ground source heat pumps.

Supplied & installed.

Under-floor heating systems.

Rain harvesting systems

We also carry out the following services:

Power flushing of heating & boiler system.

Solar hot water systems.

Boiler services, Gas & Oil. Bathroom refurbishments.

Prestigious new build, we can offer a complete bespoke design & install service.

Corgi & Oftec registered & registered installers of Nu-Heat under-floor heating systems (Log on to www.nu-heat.co.uk/PJDennisAd)

Real-Goals Weightloss Professional one-to-one coaching for long term weight loss Setting achievable goals to help you lose weight and maintain a healthy lifestyle

Call Thérèse for more details

07795 954 437

10% DISCOUNT with this voucher redeemable on 1st appointment

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 10

AT HOME OR WORK

Full and part valets, Hand washed and polished Seats and carpets cleaned Call Nigel on 01525 261485 Mobile 07977 605987 email: nigelpaul_nigelpaulrober@yahoo.co.uk

HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY SUE FOR 19th SEPTEMBER!!

With Jimmy The Voice

After last month’s tricky picture, ‘The Voice’ has sent a really difficult one!

In this picture you can see a family of three - Mother, Father and daughter depending on how you look at the picture! Can you see them? (We think he needs help!)

By Julio Van Peebles 1) Can localised showers be anywhere else?

2) Why do you never see 'One Way' footpaths?

3) What language did Sooty speak?

4) What would we call the colour orange if it wasn't a fruit?

5) Do French donkeys go "Haw Hee Haw Hee Haw" ?

Julio's Top Tip: When recycling your garden refuse, put half the waste in the garden bag provided and tip the other half on the road, - this will save the wheelie bin men the bother !!

Birthday Greetings to His Lordship for 2nd September

We take care of EVERYTHING WE WILL DESIGN AND INSTALL YOUR BATHROOM, OLD SUITES DISPOSED OF -

Happy 1st Birthday Maddison for the 12th Lots of love Nannie Mags xx

Love Magoo, Kerry & Bex xx Belated Birthday Greetings to Di for 30th August!

We take care of EVERYTHING WE WILL DESIGN AND INSTALL YOUR KITCHEN OLD UNITS DISPOSED OF -

ALL WORK FULLY GUARANTEED BEAUTIFUL RANGE OF TOP NAME SUITES & SHOWERS

ALL WORK FULLY GUARANTEED BEAUTIFUL RANGE OF TOP NAME KITCHEN CABINETS

; PLUMBING

; ELECTRICS

; PLUMBING

; ELECTRICS

; CARPENTRY

; TILING

; CARPENTRY

; TILING

; FLOORING

; DECORATING

; FLOORING

; DECORATING

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 11

U.P.V.C. Installation Specialist Certass Registered. 10 year Insurance Backed Guarantee Installations Assured

Windows • Doors • Conservatories • Porches Porch Canopies • Replacement Units

AT PRICES YOU CAN AFFORD

x x x x x x x x

All central Bedfordshire areas covered Airport transfer specialists Competitive prices Corporate account works Passenger & parcel service School service 100% reliable service Professional service guaranteed 24 hours a day

Tel: 01525 720 696 Email:welnewwindows@btinternet.com ‘A Business Built on Recommendation’

Never despair. Always remember that no situation at work is so bad that a talented, creative and dedicated manager can’t make worse.

We can all brighten someone's day by simply walking through a door. It is up to us whether it is by entering or leaving.

I didn’t exactly graduate from Cambridge but I did pass out there a few times.

At the end of a stressful day, turn out the lights, close your eyes and bump into the furniture as you do essential chores.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It is a waste of time, and annoys the pig.

Housekeeping tip - if he leaves you, keep the house.

My friend’s husband is so silly that she likens him to an old record. They both scratch a lot.

Failure is a learned response. Avoid failure by not learning anything.

Inaction is in itself an action.

Best not to ask your mother on her birthday: ‘Have you ever thought of cosmetic surgery?’

Would Die Fledermutt be an opera for dogs?

Electrical Contractor Domestic and Industrial Your local Electrical Contractor All types of testing and certification undertaken

FREE QUOTATIONS NICEIC Approved Contractor Working with Ampthill Town Council 11 Cedar Close, Ampthill, Bedford, MK45 2UD

Tel & Fax: 01525 714057

Flitwick, Ampthill and surrounding areas

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

1 ‘Hard Times’ by Charles Dickens, 2 Bridge game, 3 Bloat, 4 Thinking, 5 Basil Brush, 6 Midwives, 7 The ear, 8 Russian opera singer, 9 1946, 10 Card game.

Babs was busy working on her computer upstairs when she suddenly rushed downstairs, looked in the hall and then ran upstairs again.

A little later she rushed downstairs again, looked in the hall, then stamped upstairs in a temper.

This happened again and again until finally her friend who was wa tchin g television downstairs said to Babs ‘Is there anything wrong?’ to which Babs replied sensibly ‘There certainly is - that wretched computer of mine keeps telling me I’ve got mail.’

1. The 1st line of which book is ‘Now, what I want is, facts.’?

2. Where would you find a ‘Stayman’?

3. What is the collective term for Hippopotami?

4. I f y o u s u f f e r f r o m ‘Phronemophobia’, what are you afraid of?

5. Who presented ‘Blue Peter’ in 2003?

6. Peter Nolasco is Patron Saint of whom?

7. Where would you find an ‘Utricle’?

8. Who was Fydor Chaliapan?

9. W h e n w a s ‘ T u pp e r w a re’ invented?

10.What is ‘Auction Pinochle’?

Page 12

CANCER (June 22-July 23) There would appear to be quite a large wind of change heading in your direction. It could be long term travel or an important career change.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23-Jan 20) Keep that fire under control. Be careful not to speak too hastily without thinking through the consequences.

LEO (July 24-August 23) It is said it is better to travel hopefully than to arrive. In the case of Leos this could be you are unsure about a decision you hope will be good.

AQUARIUS (Jan 21-Feb 19) When you care about so many things it is always difficult to know where to start. Why not begin at home and work gradually outwards.

VIRGO (Aug 24-Sept 23) You seem to be heading for a high point in your life and a pivotal point in a personal relationship. Hold fast and keep your nerve.

PISCES (Feb 20-March 20) With the forthcoming decision you have to make it must be better to keep calm and hold your nerve. Then you’ll find out who your friends are.

LIBRA (Sept 24-Oct 23) Your love life seems to be uncertain at this time. Think carefully about r u s h i n g i n t o s o m e k i n d of commitment.

ARIES (March 21-April 20) Be cautious about accepting advice from people you don’t know well which is against your better judgment.

Stick with your gut instinct.

SCORPIO (Oct 24-Nov 22) As we head towards the end of the summer, you will probably find that other chapters in your life are drawing to a close too. Opportunity beckons.

TAURUS (April 21-May 21) Now could be the time to for that new start you have been promising yourself. Pay no heed to the doubters keep fit and do your own thing.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23-Dec 22) Others may laugh at what may seem outlandish ideas, but bear in mind you will probably have the last laugh.

Then you will be able to reveal all.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21) The planetary alignments indicate possible good changes at work. Be careful though, it could all end up being a pipe dream.

*A pleasant and safe family environment *Drinks at club prices plus …….

CRIB - DARTS - DOMINOES - POOL BINGO - Thursday nights QUIZ - Sunday nights SMOKING AREA - Covered and heated BEER GARDEN (Summer) ENTERTAINMENT …….. Starts at 9 pm

WHAT’S ON? Saturday 12th September

KARAOKE NIGHT WITH GADDIE AND CO 1000’s of songs - bring your own discs!

Saturday 26th September

CASINO NIGHT

Play with fun money for prizes. Professional croupiers. Full size Blackjack and Roulette tables! Non members welcome. Formal dress optional - could you be ‘Bond’ or ‘Lady Penelope’?

NEW MEMBERS ALWAYS WELCOME

CIU Affiliated

37 Church Street Ampthill Beds When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 13

Woburn Country Foods Saturday October 17th sees the fifth annual Ampthill Pie Festival!

Hosted by Paul Duckett at the Queens Head public house in Woburn Street, Ampthill, the event hopes to raise funds for a local charity.

So, if you are a dab hand at pastry making and can conjure up a delicious filling, why not have a go? You may even win the p r e s t igi o u s p r i z e o f Piemaker of the Year!

There’s sweet and savoury categories so you may enter either, or one of each!

You’ll find a huge array of pie dishes at Cooks Collection in Bedford Street Ampthill, and there’s a big summer meat sale on at Woburn Country Foods!

The event is held in the function room at The Queens Head and is open to all (juniors too!).

We understand that is no entry fee - just bring your pies along on the day!

For more details please contact Paul on 01525 405016, pop in and see him or see his ad on page 17 of this issue.

• Apologies for last month - we had understood the venue was changing - Whoops!

Courtesy Ruby Here we have yet another word from Ruby!

The word of the month this month is ‘Egregious’.

The meaning is at the foot of the page.

BUTCHERS & FARM SHOP LE A S T A R ME E M M U S N NOW O AT E M T A RE SA M E G I CE S R P T A A T GRE includes....

Ɣ SCANPAN FUSION 5 OFFER -

35% OFF 10 PIECES! Induction compatible, 5 ply range inc.

14, 16, 18 & 20 saucepans; chefs & frying pans. Make sure you snap them up whilst they’re at such a good price!

Ɣ FUTURE TASTING EVENINGS This month’s tasting evenings were such a success we’re holding some more!

Save the date so you won’t miss out!

Future tasting evenings – Wednesday 11th & Friday 13th November 2009

Still open Sundays 11.00-17.00!

Monday to Saturday 9.00 - 17.30 4b Bedford Street, Ampthill

Tel: 01525 402023

BBQ Specials Prime Beef Steaks Lamb Roasts Free Range Chicken Lean Pork Local Fresh Fruit & Veg

West End Farm London Lane Haynes West End MK45 3RA (At the top of the hill!)

Tel:01234 740300

www.woburncountryfoods.com SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL FARMERS

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Shockingly bad

Page 14

Incorporating the AGM Next year will be the 30th anniversary of the Ampthill Festival. If you would like to be part of our plans for the biggest and best Gala Day so far why not join us for a social get together on Sept 9th at the White Hart Hotel in Ampthill at 8.00 pm. Come along and meet the committee over a drink and find out what we do

Happy Birthday Sarah for 18th September, love Cid, Tim, Gis and Purds!

Dunstable Street Ampthill

Tel: 01525 403319 email: engineandtender@live.co.uk

Open Monday - Thursday 11 am - 2 pm & 5 pm - 11 pm OPEN ALL DAY FRIDAY, SATURDAY & SUNDAY!

CHOICE OF REAL ALES IPA or ABBOT plus a different ale every week

UK SKY SPORTS / ESPN

All major sporting events shown

There’s new great offers in store! We have just started our ‘Sandwich Meal Deal’ where you can get a sandwich, drink and a packet of crisps for just £2.99 (See in store for details).

We also have Cadbury dairy milk bar (140g) for only £1.00 with any newspaper, BOGOF offer on Lucozade 500 ml.

Drench 440 ml special price only 69p.

Also in store we have 2010 calendars and a new range of Children’s annuals - and just to get you started for Christmas, tubes of sweets only £1.00 - plus many other offers. Pop in and see for yourself! Also on sale is a new range of cards for every occasion, including ‘Congrats on passing your exams’.

We hope to see you all soon.

Martins Ampthill Tel: 01525 404314 (Above offers end 16th September)

Norman Mole DESIGN AND BUILDING CONSULTANT HOME EXTENSION AND NEW BUILD Plans Drawn Planning Permission

ACOUSTIC MUSIC NIGHT 3rd Wednesday every month Great value ‘Pub Grub’ Monday to Friday 12.00 - 2.00 with nothing on the menu at more than a fiver!

Building Regulations Structural Calculations Thermal Calculations Obtained

Mob: 07831 224064 Tel: 01525 862121 email: norman.mole@btconnect.com

We are also able to accept major Credit and Debit cards When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 15

Wish you had

Better Hearing?

Are you beginning to avoid social activities?

Do you turn the television up louder than you used to?

Do you hear people speaking but you can’t always make out what they are saying?

Poor hearing can destroy your quality of life.

We can help you to rediscover the pleasures of good hearing hearing children’s laughter, the punch line of a joke, even being able to join in a conversation.

To find out if your quality of life could be improved then simply call us.

Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare has been improving the lives of thousands of people with hearing loss for over 33 years. We want to help you improve yours.

We can arrange a hearing test in the privacy of your own home.

Call now for a FREE hearing check or request our FREE Information Pack.

01234 348 144 52 Harpur Street, Bedford, MK40 2QT (near Guild House)

www.bedfordhearing.co.uk Home visits available. Finance details on request. Free parking at rear of practice.

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 16

Do you find it difficult to get a reliable tradesman to do the small to medium sized jobs around your house?

Then we are the answer to your prayers! We have many years experience in carrying out all types of general domestic maintenance. No job is too small, work is carried out to the highest standards and is realistically priced.

Call Paul on 01525 751752 or 07906 221444 for a free written estimate. References available. email: paul@prbmaintenance.co.uk x x x x

General carpentry Kitchen fitting Tiling Coving

Macmillan Cancer Support wants thousands of people across the county to take part in the World's Biggest Coffee Morning this year and have launched a major drive to get people across Bedfordshire to help raise £9.6 million – by putting the kettle on.

In 2008 there were 545 Macmillan coffee mornings held across Bedfordshire raising a fantastic £79,000.

But this year the charity needs the people of Bedfordshire to raise a massive £120,000 to help fund its vital cancer support services. Which includes a range of services to help

x x x x

Decorating Garden decking Fencing And much, much more ...

people affected by cancer such as: benefits advisors, cancer information centres, specialist cancer nurses and extensive support networks around the UK and online.

Fundraising manager for Bedfordshire, Julia Beales, said: “The help we provide people with cancer is absolutely essential and we want to be able to give support to everyone who needs it.

“That’s why we need to raise more from this year’s World’s Biggest Coffee Morning than ever before.

It’s a really fun event that is so easy to take part in, especially as you can tailor

YOUR LOCAL OFFICE SUPPLIES COMPANY Full range of Office Stationery 9 Computer Consumables 9 Inks and Toners 9 Print Service 9 Office Furniture 9 And much more 9 t: 01525 633336 f: 01525 634444 Unit 1, 101 Ampthill Road Flitwick Beds MK45 1BE

www.businesspoint.uk.com email: info@businesspoint.uk.com TRADE ENQUIRIES AND ACCOUNTS WELCOME

it to suit yourself, in fact it’s a piece of cake to help Macmillan!”

Last year two million people around the UK took part in the World’s Biggest Coffee Morning, raising a massive £7.5 million.

This year the charity hopes to raise £9.6 million from the event, on 25 September, to fund its vital cancer services.

Fundraising manager Julia Beales added: “There's no right or wrong way to take part in the World’s Biggest Coffee Morning.

“You can have a traditional coffee morning at home or work, organise a glamorous

David Brown

Window Cleaning Member of the British Window Cleaning Academy • Quality Service Includes Frames & Sills • Friendly Free Estimates • Fully Insured • Single Clean or Regular, Reliable Service Additional Cleaning Services: • All External UPVC • Guttering • Conservatories Phone 01582 472113 Mobile 07534 837073 When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

coffee-themed evening, or even serve up smoothies or herbal tea instead of coffee” So why not join the World’s Biggest Coffee Morning on Friday 25 September and help Macmillan reach more people affected by cancer.

And don’t worry if you can’t hold your event on the official coffee morning day, just organise it at a time that suits you. The important thing is that all the money you raise will help improve the lives of people affected by cancer.

To register to host a coffee m orning visit www. macmillan.org.uk/coffee or call 0845 602 1246.

Page 17

BMJ HOME & GARDEN SERVICES For all those jobs around the house and garden, that you never have time for!

We are an established, reliable trustworthy & a very reasonably priced company.

NO JOB TOO SMALL

Tel: Joolz or Michael on 01525 211670 Mob: 07871 802815

Readers of a certain age will remember the advice given by Mr Crabtree to the young Peter on the subject of fishing. A similarity was remarked upon when a recently retired Landlord took a novice to the water with the aim of ‘wetting a line’. Mr Crabtree always insisted that success depended upon two things, namely experience and the right kit.

The aged Landlord, he is in his seventh decade, had expensive kit aplenty. Boxes of hooks, floats and three expensive rods. He also had the experience having fished all his life. ‘Young Peter’ had a maggot and a telescopic rod costing £7.49p. I will let the reader deduce who met with greater success, suffice to say - was Mr Crabtree wrong?

‘Lionheart.…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY for 4th September.

All my love Meerkat’

Happy 50th Birthday little Sister for the 19th Have a great day

A personal Chauffeur service with grace and quality for the discerning customer.

Our Services include: • Airport Transfers • Business trips • Weddings • Executive Travel

• Theatres • Days sightseeing • Shopping

t: 0800 022 3312 m: 07836 780088 e: redwards@be-drivencars.co.uk www.be-drivencars.co.uk

Much luv Mags xx

BE DRIVEN

A8L

...a journey to remember

Tuesday 22nd September

There’s excitement in the air here at the Queen’s as we approach the fifth annual Ampthill Pie Festival held in our function room.

Taking place on October 17th from 11.00 am onwards, you are invited to

make a pie of your own choosing, either sweet or savoury, or one of each!

Bring and register your entries on the day between 11.00 am and 1.00 pm when judging begins by our expert panel of ‘Pie Noshers’.

Compete for one of our

magnificent pie trophies!

There will also be a great selection of Guest ales, Music and Merriment and even if you haven’t made a pie you are welcome to come along and join in!

Please contact us for all the information: 01525 405016

Attention all you musicians out there!

You are invited to the first of our regular Tuesday

‘JAMMING NIGHTS’ here at The Queens!

Please ask for more details

Plus … Pub Games, Great choice of real ales, Quiz night every Wednesday

“All the charm of old Ampthill at the heart of the community”

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 18

Desperate to shape up fast but no time for lengthy gym sessions?

Hypervibe Whole Body Vibration Training is the answer and now it's here with our revolutionary machines direct from California.

We can help with weight loss, muscle tone and so much more so have a look at our website to see the multitude of other benefits.

Used in short sets of 1-2 minutes per exercise, an entire workout consists of only 15 minutes and is equivalent to one and a half hours in the gym, so we can achieve phenomenal results in a short space of time.

All sessions are supervised by personal trainers.

15 minutes 3 times a week - IT WORKS! Call now for your free trial.

From just £5.00 per session

Tel: 01525 860927

E-mail: melanie@hypervibe.co.uk

www.hypervibe.co.uk 13 High Street Clophill Beds MK45 4AB

FARMERS MARKETS

The Farmers Market in Woburn is held on the third Sunday of every month at The Pitchings, whilst Ampthill Farmers Market is held on the last Saturday of each month at their new home at the rear of The White Hart Hotel.

Don’t forget The Charter Market in Ampthill every Thursday and Flitwick Market on Fridays!.

Flittabus Community Transport has been providing transport facilities to town and village communities in mid Bedfordshire for the past 20 years. They now operate 2 minibuses covering 9 routes via a scheduled timetable which is reviewed each year to ensure that local passenger demands are met.

The new minibus is a low floor accessible vehicle which offers comfortable seating for 15 passengers. This unique design makes entry and exit easier.

Flittabus is a voluntary organisation which receives financial support from local authorities, town and parish councils and other benefactors. Their minibuses are available for private hire subject to certain conditions.

The Flittabus Helpline Number is 01525 406561.

Congratulations and very best wishes to Dara and Tash on their forthcoming Wedding on the 11th September!

SKIP and HELEN welcome you to the

OSSORY ARMS 9 Arthur Street, Ampthill 01525 841508

OPEN ALL DAY - EVERY DAY from 12.00 pm www.ossoryarms.co.uk

EVERY SATURDAY AND SUNDAY

BREAKFAST SERVED FROM 10 30 am

FOOD SERVED DAILY 12.00 till 2.30

THURSDAY NIGHT IS QUIZ NIGHT 8.30 start WARM AND FRIENDLY WELCOME x 3 real Ales x Fine Wines x Juke Box, Pool Table and Darts Board x Seated Patio Area

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 19

With Lauren Louella Boughalls

Lauren has just moved into the area and has kindly agreed to set a little challenge for you all. As some of you may know she has made her name in architectural design and latterly in interior design. She is also passionate about natural history. In this photo she has captured both a wasp’s nest and an architectural feature, thereby encompassing her two main interests.

We can arrange your Dream Reception Complete for £3,500 Our qualified team will arrange

Food for 100, either sit down or buffet Table flowers to match your theme Aperitifs and canapés on arrival, wine with meal and Fizz for Toasts Music - great disco China, glasses linen plus waitress service included

STOP PRESS - 11th HOUR SERVICE TOO!

You Find the Venue, We Do the Rest!

Call Chris & Co In the next issue she hopes to have more time to write a little piece for you personally.

But where was this picture taken?

Answers by email to martin@thefuddler.com or on a postcard to The Fuddler, PO Box 756 Ampthill Bedford MK45 2WZ Answer next month!

01525 290785 (Woburn) 07774 205235 Ask us about our new and exciting venue!

Tyres & Exhausts 66 Bedford Street, Ampthill, Bedfordshire, MK45 2NB

At last Ampthill has its own Tyre & Exhaust specialist with expert fitting facilities and the best service for miles x

Servicing & repairs x Diagnostics

x

Timing belts

x

Clutches

x

Brakes

x

All makes and models

Tel: 01525 405900 Open Monday - Friday 9.00 am - 6.00 pm Saturday 9.00 - 4.00 pm When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 20

By Michael McSpleen

Episode 4000008 (Oh joy! He’s back!)

The Number 1 Ironing and Laundry Service Professional, high quality and friendly service Free delivery and collection Drop-in and collect service available ( Open from 8 am daily )

Optional same day service For further information contact

LOUISE on

01525 841114 Or see our website at www.pressed4time.info

The Acorn Centre, Unit 2, Station Road, Ampthill

(Plenty of free parking)

N N I

S N IO

T A fixed price aerial installations OV

poor reception specialists sky repairs & installations digital aerials freeview systems plasma installations A family run company with over 15 years experience x Registered Digital UK installer, NVQ qualified x x x x x x

My oppo had automatically looked away as the device emitted a darting flash of light that completely immobilised the little Limey guy with the strange accent.

She turned back to me with a look of shock and anger on her face: ‘What are you doing?!’ she exclaimed, ‘We aren't allowed to use those any more; haven’t been for years and it’s only because I recognised what you were doing that you didn’t incapacitate me with that infernal relic!’

I could tell she was starting to boil up so just smiled as sheepishly as I could and shrugged by way of apology: ‘We used them all the time back in the 60’s as a useful way of establishing whether suspects were other worlders or not. We can now talk to this little guy for a few minutes to find out what he really knows before he comes round and that saves a load of messing

around.’ I said, trying to placate her as best I could with what I felt was a reasonable explanation although I felt her objection was anything but reasonable: ‘Let’s get on with it.’ I finished off.

We turned towards our man who simply stood, stock still, smiling vaguely and I began to talk to him so we looked for all the world like three people having a quiet chat. ‘So, what’s your name?’ I began.

‘Archibald’ he replied in a monotone voice. ‘And how long have you lived here?’ I continued. ‘Two years’ he responded. My oppo looked around to check the coast was still clear on this early Spring day. There was a chill in the air but it was obvious Spring was on the way from the buds swaying in the pale sunshine; such a beautiful country, I thought to myself, this is why I do this job, to keep the planet for its intended occupants and not out-worlders who want it for their own.

To be continued

01525 841017 16 Chiltern Close Ampthill Beds MK45 2QA

Rapid Response Mobile:

07887 710558 www.innovationsaerials.co.uk

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 21

Building Preservation Specialists x

Damp Proofing

x

Woodworm Treatments

x

Dry / Wet Rot Treatments

x

Basement Waterproofing

Telephone/Fax (01525) 406655 Mobile: 07850 727752 email: Jim@jrobb65.fsnet.co.uk

16 Tavistock Avenue, Ampthill, Bedford. MK45 2RY

On 4th June 2009 a youth counselling service has opened in Ampthill. The counselling service will be available to all young people 11-25 years old, that live in Ampthill, Flitwick and surrounding villages. The service is FREE and they will be able to self refer. They are also working alongside the GP surgeries in Ampthill and Flitwick who will also refer.

Currently young people have to access counselling in Bedford, Milton Keynes or Luton.

The aim of counselling is to provide you with an opportunity to explore and clarify ways of living more satisfactorily.

It is a process which helps you examine personal problems and unlock hidden feelings that may have been hidden for some time…and make progress.

The process takes place in a relaxed, safe and confidential setting, allowing you the time to talk to someone, who will neither judge nor advise you, but will assist you in setting goals and working towards them.

If you would like an appointment please call. 07544 908509 Email: youths_mk@live.co.uk COUNSELLING FOR THE YOUTHS OF TODAY – THE ADULTS OF TOMORROW

FREE PRESCRIPTION DELIVERY Can’t get to the chemist or surgery?

Don’t worry, we’ll pick up your prescription from your surgery and deliver your medication to your door.

Covering Ampthill, Clophill, Flitwick, Houghton Conquest, Maulden, Silsoe, Wilstead & surrounding villages.

CHEESEMANS PHARMACY OF AMPTHILL Tel: 01525 402173

TRADITIONAL FREEHOUSE PUB AND RESTAURANT WITH LARGE PATIO GARDEN

Back by popular demand TUESDAY NIGHTS MOULES FRITES 1 kg of Mussels in White Wine & Cream Sauce with Fries & Bread £10.00 - full menu also available

The Green Man Church End Eversholt MK17 9DU

Telephone – 01525 288111 Website www.greenmaneversholt.com

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 22

A & F Fabrics Ltd Your

Local Carpet

and Upholstery Cleaning Service

‘Providing a Hassle Free service from our professional and friendly cleaners’

All furniture moved and replaced Stain and odour removal Stain Shield protective treatments All work fully insured and guaranteed CALL NOW FOR A FREE NO OBLIGATION QUOTE

01525 712639

Email: affabrics@btconnect.com

The challenge seems to be on! After Mustafa’s further efforts last month, Edith Pioff has again been inspired to compose the following - again made up entirely of song titles!

‘What's new pussycat - lay all your love on me - you got it - I can't stay mad at you - who wants to live forever - it's a hard life!’

‘I believe - it's over - knowing me, knowing you - I can't stand it - it's in the way you use it - you don't fool me’ ‘This little bird - in the ghetto - she's a must to avoid - when all is said and done - never any good - I want to break free’.

Again - absolutely brilliant! Many thanks! And if you think up some more please let us know and in the meantime over to Mustafa!

Happy Birthday Richard for September Eighth,

Love from all the family, Mum, Dad, Gran, Boris, Sandie, Sam, Sarah & even Max! Loads of Kisses.

What’s On at...THE OLD SUN

Ampthill.

- Forthcoming Events - SUNDAY 6TH OF SEPTEMBER TEDDY BEARS PICNIC WITH STORY TELLING IN THE GARDEN - BRING MUM AND DAD AND TED TOO! - MONDAY 7TH OF SEPTEMBER POOL TOURNAMENT FROM 7.30PM CASH PRIZES AND CURRY AND A PINT FOR £6!!!

- SATURDAY 3RD OF OCTOBER FROM 3PM AN AFTERNOON OF HORSE RACING FOR CHARITY WISH HOUSE (SUPPORTING TERMINALLY ILL CHILDREN) CHANCE FOR PEOPLE TO DONATE AND WIN PRIZES

- Great fun for all the family FOR MORE INFORMATION ON ANY OF OUR EVENTS PLEASE CALL: - 01525 405466 When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 23

Bob Ambler Carpenter & Joiner Carpentry Fitted Kitchens Kitchen re-doors and worktops Fitted Bedrooms and Home office furniture Fitted Bathrooms Fitted Bathroom Furniture A complete design, supply and installation service or You supply and we install

01525 405393 ans. phone Mobile 07889 058345

T.H.E. BEST BUTCHERS

* FRESH FISH NOW AVAILABLE FRIDAY & SATURDAY

Telephone (01908) 375275 www.bestbutcher.co.uk

Unit 5, Lower Rectory Farm, Great Brickhill, Milton Keynes, Bucks MK17 9AF

email: robert.ambler@ntlworld.com HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE MEERKAT FOR 22nd SEPTEMBER

Love Lionheart! xx

Here’s the latest of excellent photographs showing what chefs get up to when they haven’t enough to do!

Thanks again for that one!

Happy Birthday Bea for the 17th September!

LIGHTNING CORNED BEEF SUPPER

Here’s a very quick, tasty and economical supper recipe sent in by one of our readers which we have asked to repeat:

You will need: 1 can of corned beef 1 large onion 2 tomatoes 1 packet cheese sauce mix 1/2 pint milk Seasoning Pinch of sugar 4 thick slices of bread And (we’ve added this!) a little something to quaff in the kitchen.

Firstly take a quick slurp, then put on the grill. Whilst waiting for it to warm up

slice up the tomatoes and onions and sprinkle with salt, pepper and a pinch of sugar.

Place in frying pan and fry until tender. Keep hot. Bung the bread under the grill to toast one side. Slice up the corned beef into fairly meaty sized slices. When the toast is done lightly butter the un toasted side and cover with the fried onion and tomato.

Place the sliced meat on top of each and grill until you have a wonderful sizzle!

Then mix up your cheese sauce as directed and pour over the toasted slices.

Serve hot.

Thanks for that one, Sir.

They only got me a bit! But who am I? You’ve guessed it - I’m in a popular US imported TV series! But I’m still cross the studio people found me!

The answer is at the foot of the page.

Happy Birthday Niggly Neil for the 16th!

Tel: 01525 237687

Little Emm’s Unisex Hair Studio “A Cut Above The Rest” For a totally new look for the Summer why not come and see ‘Emma Scissorhands’?!

22A Woburn Road Heath & Reach Nr Leighton Buzzard Beds LU7 OAR

email us: mark@mpfwindows.co.uk

I’m happy as I am - please don’t canvas me!

Elisabeth Rohm from Law & Order

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 24

PARTY ROAST

Why not phone us for a quote and let us take the strain out of all your outdoor party needs?

Kindly sent to us by an avid reader!

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn. I sometimes wonder how we manage to communicate at all!

We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes.

But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may found a lone mouse or a whole set of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose.

And the plural of cat is cats and not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say Mother, we never say Methren, Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim.

Thanks for taking the trouble to send it in!

Tel: 01525 872493

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR HONKY TONK FOR 5th SEPTEMBER!!

Having a Bar-B-Q? Outside Function?

Why not have a Pig / Lamb Roast?

The Ultimate in Al Fresco Entertaining!

We can supply: Roasting machine Meat or poultry Chef / Carver Glass hire Full outside bar facilities Salads, buns and other buffet items to your taste

WOODCHIPPERS Sale/Hire

Service, Sales & Spares

POWER TOOLS Professional Lawn Care & Tree Surgery Equipment

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

BlowersʲÊTree Surgery EquipmentʲÊLawnmowersʲÊHand Toolsʲ

²ÊChainsaw Protective ClothingʲÊLandscape & Contractors' Tools

²ÊChainsaws ²ÊStrimmers ²ÊHedgecutters ²ÊBrush Cutters ²ÊLawn Mowers ²ÊDisk Cutters ² Ê

Page 25

Cut out the middleman! Buy Direct!!

HEAVY DUTY PICNIC TABLES FROM ÂŁ65.00!

Plus hanging baskets, trellis and picket fencing all at great prices!

DOG WALKING One of our golfing enthusiast readers thought we should share with everyone, these actual calls received at a public golf course!!

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday.

What's the weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm running late. Can you still get me out early?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?

Staff: Sure, what time would you like?

Caller: Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock. In the morning, if possible. ‘Meerkat admits she was and still is, hopeless at maths but even she has worked out that..... 5 A's and 3 B's for GCSE is something that really adds up. Who got the sums right?...... her smashing granddaughter. Well done Charley’

‡ 'DLO\ ZDONV RI IRUW\ ILYH PLQXWHV ‡ 'DLO\ ZHHNO\ RU RFFDVLRQDOO\ ‡ 6DIH VHJUHJDWHG WUDQVSRUWDWLRQ ‡ 2II OHDG ZDONV ZKHUH SRVVLEOH ‡ 0D[ RI IRXU GRJV SHU ZDONHU Excellent socialisation for your dog, peace of mind for you!

PET SITTING 'RJV Â&#x2021; )ULHQGO\ GRJV VWD\ ZLWK KRVW IDPLOLHV Â&#x2021; $OO GD\ FDUH DQG VDIH JDUGHQ Â&#x2021; <RX SURYLGH EHG IRRG WR\V HWF Â&#x2021; :H SURYLGH WZR ZDONV SHU GD\

&DWV Â&#x2021; 6WD\ LQ RZQ KRPH HQYLURQPHQW Â&#x2021; 2QH RU WZR YLVLWV SHU GD\ Â&#x2021; /HW RXW LQ OLWWHU FKDQJHG DQG IHG Â&#x2021; Âś3XUUIHFW¡ DOWHUQDWLYH WR D FDWWHU\

6PDOO SHWV Rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters, birds, rats & ferrets are welcome in our home! Â&#x2021; &DJHV KXWFKHV IRRG EHGGLQJ FROOHFWHG Â&#x2021; )HHGLQJ SHWWLQJ DQG H[HUFLVH JLYHQ

PET TRANSPORTING

...are Milton Keynesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s premier airport transfer company.

Â&#x2021; 6DIH VHJUHJDWHG WUDQVSRUWDWLRQ Â&#x2021; 7R DQG IURP YHWV DQG JURRPHUV HWF

Whether a business trip, or a much needed break, Airports Direct are dedicated to getting you to and from your airport stress free and in comfort and style. 100% reliable, professional service guaranteed. DVDâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s / coolers available.

T: 0800 707 6003 E: info@airportsdirectmk.com www.airportsdirectmk.com 33 White Alder, Stacey Bushes Milton Keynes, MK12 6HE Company No. 5318754 (England & Wales)

01525 860606

www.thepetaup www.thepetaupair.co.uk pair.co.uk

,1685(' _ 32/,&( &+(&.(' _ 5()(5(1&(6 $9$,/$%/( _ (67

When you advertise in The Fuddler - youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 26

JH ELECTRICAL AND PROPERTY MAINTENANCE SERVICES • DOMESTIC • INDUSTRIAL • COMMERCIAL

24 HR CALLOUT AVAILABLE All electrical work undertaken

Fencing Decking Grass & hedge cutting Domestic & Commercial Tel: 01525 874225 Mob: 07809 232829

email: supaspark@tiscali.co.uk

ICED BEER IN WINTER

South West Australia Spring 1974

Continued from last month The guy following us whose headlights I saw was rather more vocal, OK he had been driving along the road at about 50 mph and suddenly found a big wooden shed in the middle of the road, he missed it by going bush for a while but by the time he caught up with us he was very very vocal. “Jeeez mate - what the hell do you think you were doing?” (or something similar). Anyway we went back and loaded the kit and completed our journey.

A few days later we were

back in the same hotel, I wouldn’t say we were celebrities, but talk stopped and everyone looked at Bill and me.

“Not too hot on loading the ute” came one voice; “more used to city drivin” came another; Bill ignored this and ordered two glasses of beer, this was only our second night in this outback hotel and his charisma was not to be shrouded, but his silence was more deafening that a shout.

The jibes continued in a mild stream until one fella went a bit over the top with a reference to POM s being not to much use in the outback; well some years later I would know as much

For a 1st Class MILK DELIVERY SERVICE TELEPHONE 01525 402206 Free doorstep delivery of organic milk plus … … GARDEN SUPPLIES INCLUDING MULTI PURPOSE COMPOST, GARDEN PEAT, FERTILISER ETC ALL DELIVERED RIGHT TO YOUR DOOR!

Maulden Dairies

as most of those guys knew about the Australian outback and would have defended my reputation with ease, as it was, I had been in Australia less than six weeks and reacted rather foolishly.

I probably misunderstood what the guy said, in any event, it was a bit too rude for this publication, but I felt that I had to make a stand.

As all the blood drained to my feet, and in the clear knowledge that I was, for the first time in my life, about to precipitate a pub brawl I rose from my seat at the bar and stepped towards the accuser saying “What, exactly do you mean by

that?

The guy who had spoken was, for a moment shaken but in a fraction of a second realised I was not used to the Australian sport of friendly POM baiting..

“Jeez’ mate, it was a joke ya stupid POM, have another beer, and admit your mate here can’t drive, leave alone load a ute’.

In the next few years I was to witness several bad fights involving everything from snooker cues to high velocity rifles; I stress the word, witness, I always managed to remain a spectator at a safe distance!

Prof Reginald V Q da Ghama IPA With kind permission of Jim Barr

Garage Door Solutions Ltd Your local garage door expert for:

Replacements, Repairs and Spares x All makes & designs available x 24 Hour repair service x No call out charge x All work guaranteed x Free quotations Call us now on: 01525 721615 / 07761 093468 Website: www.garagedoorsolutionsltd.co.uk Or see the yellow pages

3, Woodcock Walk, Flitwick, Bedfordshire, MK 45 1RD

Warren Farm, Woburn Street, Millbrook When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 27

The Flitwick Club 20 High Street, Flitwick, Beds Tel: 01525 751555

We have a large function room available for hire for any special occasion - £60.00 for members, £110.00 for non members.

WE HAVE PARKING AVAILABLE WITH EASY ACCESS TO THE STATION FOR A NOMINAL FEE OF £40.00 PER MONTH

Saturday 19th September Hog Roast - Adults £5.00, Kids £1.00.

Music by JOHN VERITY acoustic guitarist.

Food 7.00 pm - 9.00 pm. Tickets available at the bar

With Ann, Robin & Son, For your delectation and pleasure, here are some more of those unbelievable answers that contestants have come up with on various game shows.

1) What's the official language of Israel.....................… Latin 2) What P do they say is better than cure...........…Prescription 3) Name a Parisian landmark.....................................…Hawaii 4) On which Mediterranean island is the resort of Faliraki.................Ankara 5) Who was the first man to run a mile in under four minutes....................Mike Banner 6) Name a domestic pet..........................................…..Squirrel 7) Name something people ask for as a car extra.......….Tyres 8) What four letter word ending in O is a Portuguese resort.....................Algarve 9) Name something that might frighten Dracula.........................................Bob Monkhouse 10) What is the largest of the Canary islands..............…Jersey

Beat the credit crunch with Formula One Scooters Now the holidays have gone away, your new scooter is here to stay; if you still need your 59 plate, buy a scooter before it's too late With the price of car-parking, tax and petrol, the ideal vehicle for commuting is a scooter; a years’ tax on a scooter is only £15. Very cheap to insure. At Most rail stations parking for a scooter is free (£6.20 a day for a car), coupled by the fact that you can actually park.

The other obvious advantage is that you can get circa 100 miles to a gallon.

You can ride a 50 cc at age 16, or if you have a full car licence, just twist and go, no test or ‘L’ plates required.* We have a wide range of 50cc and 125cc scooters, both in sports and retro style.

Prices vary from £699.00 to £1,099.00 including road tax and registration. * Providing licence obtained prior to February 2001

F1 Scooters Pilgrim House, Dunstable Street, Ampthill

0845 313 8400 Ɣ 07961 775420 www.f1scooters.co.uk

For your local home-visit will writing service please contact Ronald Bateman at

Sterling Wills Ltd x Wills to protect your home against long-term care fees; x Wills for business owners; x Wills to protect the inheritance of children of a former marriage x or simple, straightforward Wills all at very reasonable cost; see the price list on our website (address below) and then knock off 10% discount (example: basic Will for a single person - £80 (including VAT) (normally £89).

Other services we offer include: Living Wills (Advance Medical Directive); Lasting Powers of Attorney; secure document storage.

Sterling Wills Ltd., 3 Bedford Street, Woburn MK17 9QB Telephone: 0845 4900 324; email: info@sterlingwills.co.uk Website: www.sterlingwills.co.uk Members of the Society of Will Writers When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 28

THE FIRS GUEST HOUSE & CAFE 85, High Street, Ridgmont, Beds

Tel: 01525 280279 GREAT VALUE AT THE FIRS! x x x x x x x x

B & B from £25.00 per person per night Home cooked meals to eat in or take away ALL DAY BREAKFAST at £4.00 to take away Large selection of home cooked meals all at £5.00 or less!

Teas and coffees Sandwiches and rolls Cream teas Telephone orders welcome

That well known scientific genius and failed scanner installer, explains some basic laws of the universe.

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre: The people whose seats are furthest from the aisle will always arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Carpets: The chances of a jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

x x x x x x x

Extensions Conservatories & Windows Kitchens & Bathrooms Fencing Patios Electrical

And … Lots More!

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 29

Last month we invited readers to continue the story, the start of which we had been sent. Thanks for your entries and Seymour has chosen the continuation below. So we invite you to write the next couple of paragraphs (about 200 words) as to what may have happened next! Our Arts correspondent Seymour Cox will read all entries and the winner will be published in next month’s Fuddler!

So, over to you, but please keep it clean! Please email your entries to martin@thefuddler.com and let’s see how the story unfolds!

(If you missed the 1st instalment you can read it on our website at www.thefuddler.com)

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO TOBY? Where was Toby? Had he got impatient, or was he even later than late? Daniella decided to wait for nine minutes to see if he'd show, but he didn't appear.

The other side of the road was a small cafe so she decided to go for a coffee whilst still keeping an eye on the statue in the park. At 9.33 she noticed someone, a man, standing by the statue who she thought could be Toby so she hurriedly slurped down her coffee and rushed out, Belgian bun in hand and back in to the park. As she approached she noticed the man was wearing a t-shirt with 'I'm Toby' written on it! She asked "Are you Toby"? He replied "No, Toby is ill" She asked again " So why are you wearing a t-shirt with 'I'm Toby' written on it? "Ah" he replied "Toby or not Toby, that is the question" !!!! …...

Happy Birthday Sue on 17th September

love Frodo, Mouse and the rest of the animals!

Lis - Sorry I forgot to put your Birthday in August edition for 15th!! Happy belated Birthday! HT xxx

DISCOUNT ON: • BRUSHCUTTERS • MOWERS • RIDE-ONS ETC We can supply most leading brands

• HAYTER • HONDA • MOUNTFIELD • LAWNFLITE • EFCO • ATCO • MTD • APACHE Full after sales service - Collection and delivery

SERVICING OF ALL MACHINERY AT REASONABLE RATES

Staples Garden Centre,Fordfield Road, Millbrook

FREEPHONE 0808

180 9450

Emergency: 07866 943977 When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 30

OFFICE: SMART Motorcycle Training 38, Kings Road, Maulden, Beds MK45 2DT

TRAINING CENTRE: SMART Motorcycle Training, Redborne School, Ampthill, Beds MK45 2NU

Here we bring you further bizarre observations from the wacky world of Montgolfier: I’m told that pigs don’t mind getting swine flu as they know they will eventually be cured.

‘Waiter, this coffee tastes earthy.’ ‘Well it was ground yesterday’.

I have just found out that National Express is not a dairy.

Sign in a Scottish shower cubicle - NO SMOKING. Gravity is in fact not very strong. Even a tiny midge or a butterfly can escape it.

On a very hot day last week, I passed a sign which said ‘ICE’; also on the same day a roadside restaurant said ‘A Warm Welcome Awaits You’ which was the last thing I wanted.

A friend took up painting and I said ‘We’ll have to give you a name like Gainsborough’ - then I realised his name was Turner.

When people are young or middle aged, they try to make out they are younger than they are. When they get older it is the opposite - like I’ll be 77 next November or come January next year I’ll be 84. At what age does this change over take place?

Another friend said he was bored with his job, he said he drilled little perforations in tea bags. I asked why he didn’t get a job like gluing lids on yoghurt cartons.

My wallet never contains less than nothing.

The following sign stands in the driveway of a house in Oxfordshire. It is the size of a milestone with a TOTI EMUL metal hook at the top. What is it for?

ESTO Answer next time.

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 31

TIDY UP SERVICES

ALL TYPES OF GROUNDWORK UNDERTAKEN. Driveways, Patios etc.

Please call for free quotation

Episode 13 ………

‘He Ain’t Heavy … [I am]…

He’s my Brother’ Over the next few months I would like to share with you a few memoirs and adventures from my past, this month I will introduce you all to my brother.

My brother, well what I must start off by saying is that we get on much better now than we did when we were younger; actually just a few years ago hostilities between us were as if we were on opposite sides of the Korean border. As that might suggest, all was not what it should have been over the years, and then some. It would be churlish for me to put the blame entirely at the feet of my elder and ever so slightly better sibling and I should shoulder at least some of the responsibility. As we all know, there is a fine line between good natured banter and nasty bullying and harrying.

During my adolescence I subjected FG, an affectionate but unflattering nickname for my brother given by yours truly, to years of torture, so

much so that a Stalag Commandant would have been proud. There were incidents that included gentle ridicule and mischief to downright physical and mental battery. I recall one incident in particular when a series of man traps and water hazards left my brother in serious pain and discomfort for days.

Just mention a cocktail stick to him and he still winces. On another, our Methodist Minister rang to leave FG the hymn numbers for that night’s service, my brother being the organist.

I said I would pass them on to him as he was out, and proceeded to make up my own numbers. Confusion and chaos ensued when the first hymn began as the congregation started to sing to a completely different musical score. He was also the pre-match and half time announcer at Hertford Town FC and I regularly swapped his Beatles and Beach Boy melodies to ones I thought would be more appropriate, Motorhead and Black Sabbath, he would put his album on and go outside for a cigarette and I would swap the LP over, lock the office up and leave, my mates and I

GARAGE & GARDEN RUBBISH CLEARANCE Complete tidy up service available including grass cutting, edging, overgrown gardens etc plus we take all the rubbish away!!

Waste licence 15 years Established 35 years MAJOR CARDS ACCEPTED

Tel: 07976 383698 01234 742100 trying to look as innocent as teenage bikers could do behind the goalposts.

Food provided a natural truce, and with Mother, we had the benefit of good honest traditional home cooked food, “none of that foreign muck”, our father would say. We were brought up on stews, pies, shepherd’s pie and great big roasts. We also had ‘bangers & mash’ and on Friday nights, fish & chips as a special treat. So special was mother’s stew, that a mechanic and a builder, two of our cul-de-sac neighbours, would come and have their dinner with us on a Monday. She would have a huge cauldron of this bubbling away with her secret handed down gravy recipe complemented by her home made dumplings. Both my brother and I have tried unsuccessfully to re-create her masterpiece ever since.

We also had quite a few memorable occasions where alcohol acted as both an advocate and adversary. We used to have the odd meeting about once a month, have a few beers & ciders and behave quite cordially to each other before the occasion resulted in outright

anarchy. About fifteen years ago we embarked on a walk across Britain along Hadrian’s Wall, this ambitious if not foolhardy endeavour deserves its own diary entry, perhaps in a month or two.

Nowadays we still meet up about once a month as a rule and enjoy a bottle of wine or two over a curry, invariably parting company on good terms and in good spirits. FG has in fact enjoyed the odd occasion in these parts and has benefited from the extended hospitality offered at Plunket’s Inn. Indeed, as my brother is also a member of the ‘apron and spatula club’ from the Hertfordshire chapter, he fits in well with the Bedfordshire branch, especially as he plays the organ too. In fact quite a few of my chums have met him and quite like him…

“I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic establishment” Alan Bennett 1934- : Forty Years On (1969) To be continued……………………….

ARAGON WINDOWS

Outstanding gardens designed for outdoor living Small garden? - no problem Large garden? - We love them!

Your local specialist in UPVC for:Windows, Doors, Patio Doors and French Doors, Conservatories Fascia, Soffit and Guttering Our windows and doors are 70mm internally glazed for security. All windows are fitted with fire hinges, locking handles, a twin action espagnolette mushroom headed bolt system, and with vent facility. Doors are fitted with claw and mortice lock, and panels are reinforced. Fully compliant with current FENSA Regulations, plus insurance backed guarantee.

CHRIS FREEMAN Tel/Fax 01525 403992 50 Russell Drive Ampthill Beds Established in 1990 and built on reputation When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Page 32

When you advertise in The Fuddler - youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!