The Mugdown - Fall 2019 Print Edition

A MESSAGE FROM THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF To Our Readers,

OUR STAFF EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Anime Sciences

EDITOR SUPREME Heldenfalls

FINANCE EDITOR Homewrecking Crew

INTERNAL EDITOR Longboard of Regents

EXTERNAL EDITOR Ring Chunks

CONTENT EDITOR GingerbRedass

YOU NEED US

First, I’d like to thank you for picking up this newspaper. It’s especially an honor because this is probably the only print medium you will be interacting with this semester. We couldn’t have made it here without our hardworking writers, a campus full of inspiration, or you, our loyal readers.

I’d like to dedicate this issue to the adults — no, not just anyone above the age of 18. I mean the ones who keep us younger adults on the right track: the moms and dads, the older siblings, the professors and advisors. Thank you for all you do. If it weren’t for you, we’d be delinquents, felons, or — worse still — Longhorns.

I hope that after you finish poring over this, you’ll check out our website and follow us on social media. Our site got a fresh coat of paint this summer, so give it a looksie if you haven’t already. We have some exciting projects planned this year, and we look forward to challenging your views (or at least making you laugh).

To the incoming freshmen, welcome to your new home. To the returning students, welcome back. I truly hope that each one of you has your best year yet. The days go by fast, so make each one count. y’all Love y’all,

Like us on Facebook!

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ANIME SCIENCES 2019-2020 Editor-in-Chief | The Mugdown

A THANK YOU to a great advisor who helps us keep the Texas A&M administration on its toes.

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Disclaimer: The Mugdown is a web-based satirical news publication. Any and all content associated should be assumed to be mostly or entirely fictionalized. With the exception of public figures and entities, any names found within are made up and unassociated with any individuals whose names may bear a resemblance to any names used. Additionally, any quotations and events described should be viewed strictly as parody unless explicitly stated otherwise. The Mugdown is a work of humor and not a serious news source.

The Mugdown September 2019 www.mugdown.com

Letters to the Editor

ed. we’ve err w o n k I demands Aggies.

– , s d s e e r r n e e t e era We’v nay, desp o.

– e t i t e p profit, to t, d n a Our ap , s r r and las ye a a l e p y s e i r h u t t u rides ans success, f e great st d a er and b m h e s i v F a h o b y Jim We ma as coach h c u s . s e at games l New prid o h o c l a sale of a lifted on academi f o e c i ble. f i rredeema i But sacr s i s e m sday ga e full for Thur s who ar r e e t i f o r ft p proclaim SEC, da e W . y r ast! u and f day telec e m a G E, of sound e Colleg day LIV e O m “ a , s r G a e lleg both ye e thou Co t r a e t, if twic r f o o f s e t r e u h B t?”

O, w L telecas U F S S E at.

SUCC ften repe o y e h t , ition 9 and 4. it is trad r o f n is done.” i e a g n r o a d b s ’ n a hat A Fausti ’ll say, “w I , n i a p ith I guess, w s he Brazo t o t h c r es of Ma – The Id

I can’t handle the FLO recru iting anymore.

I’m starting my fifth year he re. Since I was a freshman, the bannering stu dents ask me “Freshman?” or “Class of ’X X?” They’ve done this every year. Every. Single . Year. Do I really look that young? Junior year, I made sure to wear class of ’19 shirts. Senio r year, I made sure to show off my ring as much as possible.

But they still ask me if I’m a freshman! I can’t do this again. It doesn’t help that I didn’t get into a FLO my freshman yea r! I swear they are just rubbing salt in the woun d.

– Sick and Tired of Being Sic k and Tired

Hey, I saw y ou sitting he re reading th Can I pray is alone. for you? You re a lly look like need someon you e to pray for y o u .

O need me to p h, you don’t ray for you?

A re you sure? Yo look pretty lo u nely. I think y o u c o someone to uld really use talk to. Alrig h t, o kay, I’ll leav But hey, com e. e to Breakaw a y o n be praying fo Tuesday! I’l l r you. Hope to see you so on!

– Hedge of Objection

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BCS UTILITIES DEBUTS NEW

“YOU’LL GET USED TO IT” SLOGAN

By Mugdown Staff

Bryan-College Station Utilities has made headlines this week with their unique new slogan, “You’ll Get Used to It.” Instead of marketing to new consumer groups, the company has embraced Bryan/College Station as a captive water market with little need for sophisticated advertising strategies.

“Studies show that consumers appreciate honest marketing,” said Elise Loyola, a spokesperson for BCS Utilities. “We’re trying to tap into that. We know that most college students think the water here is inferior to their water at home, so we’re here to explain that’s just how things are here.”

“My hair doesn’t feel the same as it did back home,” freshman Claire Guzman said. “I have to take gallons of water from HEB onto the Aggie Spirit bus and carry them up four flights of stairs to get into my dorm. It’s just not fair. I didn’t know how good I had it in Dallas.”

While first-year students remain upset, older students are hardly fazed by the new slogan. “Honestly, they’re right,” sophomore Megan Reynolds said. “It’s gross water, but I don’t notice my hair being greasy now the same way I did when I moved here. Their marketing team is onto something.”

“I don’t know why they even need a slogan,” said Jacob Mallard, a sophomore business major. “They could make their slogan ‘Eat poop, college students,’ and we’d still buy their water because we have no other option. Monopolies truly are the death of choice for the consumer.”

Mugdown Staff 4

The Mugdown September 2019 www.mugdown.com

KEY ADVANTAGES TO BEING A WOMAN

IN ENGINEERING

By The Dixie Wiccan

Recent polls suggest that the stigma against women in STEM may not be as severe as previously believed. The stereotype that women must prove themselves capable to earn respect from male students has been challenged by newly observed classmate dynamics that show women in STEM receive key advantages over their male counterparts.

Researchers believe the severe female minority in certain STEM majors is the source of this advantage. According to recent data, skewed gender ratios in majors such as engineering offer a rare opportunity for male students – a chance to speak with women. Such an opportunity may encourage male students to offer significant academic aid to their female counterparts.

“I always have my choice of partners for projects, and right now I’m in three different study groups for the same class,” said junior computer engineering major Madelyn Rossi. Many of the women polled indicated male students’ desperation for interaction with the opposite sex is so intense that female students recieve abundant social and academic advantages when compared to males.

In addition to women being continually included in activities with their classmates, a number of poll respondents highlighted the privilege of receiving free tutorials from male students. Male students were observed going to extensive lengths to readily give females unprompted tips on how to improve their work and to offer unrequested explanations of course material. Unfortunately, male students’ “instinctual desire” to take care of their female peers has perhaps blinded them to some of their fiercest competition.

While at this time the percentage of female undergraduates studying STEM rests at about 22% overall, this low number only helps women to get special opportunities and favoritism. Female students hope this culture of paying special attention to women in STEM can be preserved in the face of the university’s new focus on size and diversity initiatives.

The Dixie Wiccan

Dirty, Filthy Pledge

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CAPS TO OFFER SUPPORT GROUP FOR

STUDENTS ACCUSED OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT

By Heldenfalls

Beginning this fall, Counseling & Psychological Services (CAPS) will offer a weekly support group for Texas A&M University students accused of sexual misconduct. The new offering by CAPS comes after Texas A&M President Michael K. Young ordered extensive internal and external reviews of A&M’s Title IX processes last fall. The reviews were conducted as a result of numerous current and former students publicly alleging that the process lacked transparency and that their Title IX complaints were mishandled by university officials.

“We feel that offering a support group for students accused of sexual misconduct will be immensely beneficial,” said Dr. Lewis Molten, the psychologist organizing the group. “Navigating the Title IX process can be very stressful and disruptive, so we want to equip students with the coping skills they need to continue to excel in their academic and athletic endeavors until their investigation concludes.”

Reactions to the new offering have been mixed among the student body. Some students have praised the expansion of on-campus mental health services, while others have criticized the move as representing the university’s failure to support survivors of sexual violence. “Even after all the publicity, task forces, and long emails from President Young, CAPS still doesn’t offer an on-campus support group for survivors,” said Angela Fuero, a sophomore math major active in survivor advocacy on campus. “Local resources for survivors may be excellent, but they’re inaccessible to, say, a freshman without a car who is struggling to even leave her dorm room.”

Last week, students began circulating a petition online asking the university and CAPS to offer a support group for victims in lieu of offering similar options for accused students. The university has yet to respond, but President Michael K. Young is reportedly drafting a new campus-wide email pledging to end campus sexual assault.

Heldenfalls

7th Pledge Class: The Americano Dream

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The Mugdown September 2019 www.mugdown.com

A Pisshead’s Guide to Love & Dating

BY: SPACE CADET

Howdy, boys! It’s that time of year again. Bootchasers and cadets are looking to take Instagram photos with that special someone. Maybe you missed out on last year’s football dates. Maybe you’re single after your last girlfriend didn’t realize that your Bumble profile was to make friends. Whatever the case may be, you’re single and ready to get back on track for a ring by spring. If you follow these tips, you’ll have a line of possible girlfriends so long they’ll need to take a number while waiting on a date with you.

What’s the number one problem in relationships? Communication.

If you’re having trouble getting your point across, it’s time to put on your sophomore pants and tell her what she’s doing wrong. It only takes ten days to turn a bright-eyed high school graduate into a fish, so it’s only natural that pointing out her flaws and telling her that she needs to fix them will turn that classmate cutie into your special boot chaser.

The Corps is a vast, unknown entity that also comprises 80% of your life, so it’s crucial that she’s up to speed on it. Don’t be afraid to explain it to her like she’s five years old if it takes her a while to catch up. A strong relationship is one where she understands what you mean when you say you were smoked outside the Dirty D by a MUC because your Blue Falcon whipped out to a Platoon Blue Shirt.

Your body is your temple (except the band, am I right?), and your girl needs to know how you martyr yourself for it. Make sure she knows how much you run and grind before she even wakes up.

Girls love a bad boy, and nothing’s worse than physical and emotional abuse that violates state law. Girls just don’t understand that ax handles and destroying personal property build the leaders of tomorrow. After you explain that tears are just weakness leaving the body, she’ll fall faster than a fish class’s retention rate.

We all know that Old Army died in 1974 when they let women into the Corps. Besides, women love catty gossip about each other, so nothing will get a girl’s attention faster than explaining why they’re ruining what you love most in the world.

Exercise is a fun activity that brings a couple together, so why not share it with that special someone? She’ll be picking out your wedding’s invitations in her head after you’re done watching her do push-ups and wind sprints until she collapses from exhaustion.

Yeah, and then tell her that you love all these New Army changes. www.mugdown.com September 2019 The Mugdown

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THE AGGIE-AGRAM By t.u.kulele

College is a time to discover who you are as an individual. What Below, you will find nine lists of adjectives. Circle the adjecbetter way to do so than by learning how you think within the tives that accurately describe you. Simply tally your score for each category and discover your winning identity. For extra boundaries of nine distinct types? accuracy, ask your friends which adjectives they would pick After extensive research, The Mugdown has specified nine for you. Remember, BE HONEST, and don’t lie to fit whatever core types of worldviews and motivations found within Aggies. number you already think you are (especially if you think you As you seek to discover self-knowledge, the depth of your are a 2). spirit, and your overall unique identity, we encourage you to enlighten your journey with this helpful tool.

Section A Reliable

Anxious

Trustworthy

Cooperative

Loyal

Hard-working

Collectivist

Pessimistic

Score: __________

Section B Charming

Energetic

Diplomatic

Status-driven

Ambitious

Vain

Competitive

Successful

Score: __________

Section C Curious

Problem-solving

Independent

Hyperactive

Inventive

Capable

Alert

Innovative

Score: __________

Section D Ethical

Driven

Conscientious

Grounded

Bold

Perfectionist

Realistic

Patriotic

Score: __________ 8

The Mugdown September 2019 www.mugdown.com

Section E Confident

Intimidating

Decisive

Confrontational

Willful

Egotistical

Assertive

Heroic

Score: __________

Section H Supportive

Complacent

Embracing

Optimistic

Reassuring

Welcoming

Agreeable

Passive

Score: __________

Section F Selfless

Manipulative

Generous

People-pleasing

Kind

Nurturing

Sentimental

Flattering

Score: __________

Section I Fun-loving

Spontaneous

Scattered

Undisciplined

Joyful

Impulsive

Practical

Excitable

Score: __________

Section G Dramatic

Moody

Expressive

Withdrawn

Emo

Self-conscious

Creative

Unique

Score: __________

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If you scored highest on Section D, then you’re...

If you scored highest on Section A, then you’re...

These people desire nothing other than to better the world around them. They look at current systems and ponder ways in which they could be made greater. SGA Candidates will promise to have discovered perfect solutions to all of the problems on campus, and they probably have. But they aren’t going to tell you how until after they get elected, or else it won’t work.

This type’s core motivation is to find security and safety. This is why Greeks tend to travel in packs, as they feel that they are fulfilling their own purpose when they are safe from any threats from the outside world. Greeks tend to be very fear-driven, and they spend their time fleeing from the unknown by creating deep, loyal friendships – nay, families – that absolutely nothing, not even graduation, can break apart.

TYPE 1: The SGA Candidate

If you scored highest on Section F, then you’re...

TYPE 2: The Counselor

This type cares more about the well-being of others than they do themselves. They find meaning in serving those around them selflessly. In order to do so, they surround themselves entirely with freshmen, either in Fish Camp, Impact, or FLOs. These freshmen of course have no choice but to look up to their Counselors’ deep humility and laud them at every opportunity.

If you scored highest on Section B, then you’re...

TYPE 3: The Cadet

A Cadet knows what they want and knows how to get there. Their entire life purpose is to climb the ladder of power, which is why they are willing to subvert themselves to excruciating physical, mental, and emotional torture in order to reach the point where they can physically, mentally, and emotionally torture others.

If you scored highest on Section G, then you’re...

TYPE 4: The 2%er

2%ers find meaning in swimming upstream and standing out in a crowd. A 2%er is proud to not fit in and will often intentionally avoid mainstream activities. You are likely to see one of these types brooding as they walk through Academic Plaza to get to class, as even being on campus with other Aggies sends them into deep melancholy that causes them to question the purpose of their existence.

If you scored highest on Section C, then you’re...

TYPE 5: The STEMmie

In order to understand the mindset of a STEMmie, simply look at the life of Albert Einstein. He viewed the world as a set of puzzles simply meant to be solved. In the same way, STEMmies are geniuses – true intellectuals. They prove themselves superior to their peers with their desire not to simply get good-paying jobs, but to answer the world’s burning questions. For example, a STEMmie might ponder “how can I make this robot work in the 36 hours before the project is due?” or “how many Bangs can I drink before it’s dangerous to consume any more?”

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TYPE 6: The Greek

If you scored highest on Section I, then you’re...

TYPE 7: The Volunteer

“HOWDY, WELCOME TO BREAKAWAY!” These words ring in the ears of the type 7 as they go to sleep every Tuesday night, wondering what they can do to be more welcoming next week. The primary motivation of The Volunteer is to add joy and laughter to the lives of everyone around them. Sure, the hours of banner holding and volunteering might keep them from completing their homework and addressing their own emotional exhaustion, but that’s okay as long as they’re bringing life to others! Right?

If you scored highest on Section E, then you’re...

TYPE 8: The Student Athlete

These Aggies push boundaries. They go places never gone before, like Kyle Field, the women’s softball field, and the nameless track facilities. Student Athletes are confident in their own abilities, which is why they tend to commit fully to their athletics and nothing else. As representatives of the student body of Texas A&M to the outside world, they fight to represent our Aggie core values: jumping, running, hitting, and throwing real good.

If you scored highest on Section H, then you’re...

TYPE 9: The Gameday

You’ve heard it once, and you’ll hear it again: our opposing teams are always shocked by the welcoming behavior of our student body on game day. These people are the ones that make it happen. Every Saturday or Thursday in the fall, you will find them camped out in cozy little tents in Spence Park all for the sake of graciously helping the opposition’s fan base feel right at home. In order to make themselves even more agreeable, they will fill their lungs with clouds of cotton candy flavored nicotine to take that competitive edge off. How considerate!

Share your Aggie-agram Type on Twitter!

Tag @Mugdown in your tweet.

OPINION:

WE NEED MORE CAMPUS FOR PARKING

BY RING CHUNKS & MAD CHACO SEPTEMBER 2019

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t is high time that someone spoke up about the terrible parking situation on campus. We are in the middle of an epidemic, and it has become clear that the university has stretched itself too thin with the increase in admittance of new students.

After having a Lot 50 permit for a glorious two-and-a-half years, I am being exiled to the perimeter of campus so that the greedy money-grubbing university can make more parking spaces for 25x25 engineering underclassmen with a fancy new garage. I am a senior; I resent change and refuse to suffer the burden of progress that will never benefit me. Liberal arts majors might have the time to frolic to and from their classes, but as an engineering student, I am far too busy to make the 23 minute trek from West Campus Garage to Zachry.

think that it is my right to park close to all of my classes and not have to walk or use our second-rate bus system.

I know that I go to a university with over 65,000 students, but that does not lessen the sting of the lack of abundant parking in the center of campus. I, like everyone else,

To top it all off, paying for parking is the biggest scam of all time. I pay tuition here, and I should be able to park wherever I please.

Tuition is so expensive, and you spend it all

And what’s the deal with the Campus Master Plan? Taking away parking lots within campus and turning them into green spaces? This hasn’t worked out well for any developed nation so far, and it certainly won’t for a space designed for ambulatory mass movement.

We have come far enough as a nation that we no longer need to pander to the hippies and urban design specialists that insist alternative forms of transportation are the most efficient and environmentally friendly way to navigate a dense urban environment.

We are Americans, and we love our cars, comfort, and personal space. If I don’t want to bike to class, I shouldn’t have to.

willy-nilly on educator’s salaries, construction, student services, and more. Why can’t it go towards my individual lot for my individual car that I individually benefit from? I resent the idea that space on campus shouldn’t be free, and I despise that the administration is surreptitiously encouraging me to explore other methods of getting to class.

If I do have one positive thing to say about the heinous parking system on campus, it is that I have gained an exceptional amount of Twitter clout for complaining about lots being full, specifically Lot 100. For every 15 minutes I spend circling sections A-C and willfully ignoring D-G, I can gain roughly 1.3 followers if I play my cards right.

Ring Chunks 7th Pledge Class: The Americano Dream

Mad Chaco 7th Pledge Class: The Americano Dream

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STUDENT SAVES PARENTS’ MONEY

BY CHARGING EVERYTHING TO STUDENT FEES ACCOUNT

By Homewrecking Crew The parents of freshman Sheila Anderson sighed in relief on Tuesday morning when they discovered that she had saved them hundreds of dollars by charging everything to her student fees account. Thanks to her money-consciousness, Anderson’s parents dodged having to deal with upcoming college expenses such as meals, parking passes and sports tickets completely.

When asked about the rising cost of higher education, father and mortgage broker Travis Anderson praised his daughter’s fiscally responsible behavior. “We have been setting aside thousands of dollars per month for her college fund since she was five, so it’s a lot of weight off our shoulders knowing we won’t have to use it now.”

Busy shopping in preparation for fall rush, Sheila Anderson could not be reached for comment on the situation. Shortly before press time, store managers were seen working to calm a visibly frustrated Anderson after explaining to her that Merge Boutique could not charge clothing purchases to a student fees account.

“Charge it to this then, it’s the same thing,” said Anderson, slapping down her mother’s Chase Sapphire Preferred card on the counter.

Homewrecking Crew

7th Pledge Class: The Americano Dream

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MSC TO REQUIRE PLAYING TEST

CERTIFICATION TO PLAY FLAG ROOM PIANO

By Longboard of Regents The Division of Student Affairs has voted to implement a certification exam to play the MSC Flag Room piano beginning this fall. This controversial decision was made after hours of debate between representatives from the Division of Student Affairs.

Those in favor of the new certification reasoned that due to the amount of publicity the flag room receives, only Aggieland’s finest should be permitted to provide top quality entertainment to guests and students alike. They also went on record to claim that students study more efficiently when not subjected to multiple failed renderings of “Für Elise.”

Those opposed to the playing test certification argued that all Aggies are entitled to demonstrate their abilities publicly regardless of their current skill level. They sought to make clear that discrimination based on talent is inherently wrong.

The new rule hopes to filter through pianists so that students and visitors will not be disturbed by a mediocre performance of Adele’s “Someone Like You.” “We strive to provide the most exceptional campus experience to all of our visitors and fellow Aggies, so we evaluated where many of those groups spend their time,” said Colin Lopez, the Director of the Memorial Student Center. “Our evaluation found that the MSC is a hub for visitors, prospective donors, and current or future students alike. We simply cannot allow mediocre pianists to play and give off the impression that they represent the entire Aggie Family.”

Playing tests will be conducted inside the MSC practice rooms by Dr. Oscar Tiller, Director of Bands and Head of Music Activities.

In order to register for a time slot, students will need to log in to their Howdy Portal, navigate to the ‘My Record’ tab, scroll down to ‘Student Rules,’ and select ‘Playing Test Certification’ from the drop down menu. Following this, they will be prompted to select a time slot based on their availability.

The playing test will consist of demonstrating basic musical competence through major, minor, and chromatic scale tests. It will also incorporate a song portion in which those auditioning must prepare one excerpt from a piece of music to perform for Dr. Tiller.

Any audition that includes excerpts from “Rondo alla Turca,” “The Entertainer,” or any pop song from the 2000’s to the present day will be immediately denied certification.

Upon passing the playing test certification, students will see their Flag Room status updated within their Howdy Portal. The certification may only be attempted twice per semester. Once the updated status has been processed, students will be able to swipe their Student I.D. at the piano to open the keylid and begin playing.

Longboard of Regents

7th Pledge Class: The Americano Dream

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CAMPUS VOICES

A recent survey conducted by U.S. News & World Report revealed that there were more graduates of Texas A&M heading Fortune 500 companies than any other institution. What do you think?

“Of course, these four extremely rare CEO success stories are fully representative of every student’s success at Mays.”

Lance Maddox

Supply Chain Academic Advisor

“My Comfort Colors feels baggier and my Nike shorts seem higher — and I only needed four Adderall today!”

Garrett Holcomb PPA Student

“I don’t know why people are celebrating this. The job market is crazy right now, that’s four less jobs for me.”

Camila Aceveds

Mechanical Engineering Major

“Wait, can I put this on my resume?”

Maddison Blackburn

PREP Counselor

“That’s aMAYSing.”

Aggressive Mays Anniversary Poster Plastered across West Campus

“Who needs a CEO-style coach like Sumlin when we’ve got a winner like Jimbo who really works with his players? I don’t care about this CEO nonsense — wait, where’s Herman on this coach list?”

Anonymous A&M Football Booster

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