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A Dying Medium, Round 2 February 2017
A MESSAGE FROM THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF To Our Readers,
OUR STAFF EDITOR‑IN-CHIEF North by Northgate
EDITOR SUPREME
Panda Expressions
FINANCE EDITOR
Plug Down for Watt
INTERNAL EDITOR
Corpus Escort
EXTERNAL EDITOR
Bacon & Ags
SECRETARY EDITOR
Netflix & Drill
NEWSPAPER CHAIR
Come & Bake It
PLEASE GIVE US ATTENTION:
Thank you for picking up our Spring 2017 print issue of The Mugdown! This is our second attempt at a dying medium, so we regret to inform you that it may have just become a tradition. I’d like to dedicate this issue to the Fightin’ Texas Aggie Class of 2017. While The Mugdown may have been founded by a couple of friends from the Class of 2015, The Mugdown saw its first article published during our freshman year. We’ve seen it all: the Coca-Cola stunt, #Signgate, Corps of Cadets: The Musical, a whole lot of student government drama, and around 400 articles published by The Mugdown. We’ve grown a lot over the years and I hope you would agree that we’re a group that isn’t going away anytime soon. If you consider yourself a fan and are interested in joining A&M’s most attention-seeking secret organization, we will be opening applications later this semester. Keep in touch with us on social media and you won’t miss it. In the meantime, we encourage you to try your hand at satire by submitting a fan post! I hope you enjoy this issue of The Mugdown and that you’re as excited for a semester full of new content and projects as we are. Thanks again for all of your support over the past few years.
<3,
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facebook.com/mugdown North by Northgate 2016-2017 Editor-in-Chief | The Mugdown
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Our tireless, patient, and awesome advisor who prevents us from being sued on a daily basis. Real heroes don’t always wear capes.
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Disclaimer:
The Mugdown is a web-based satirical news publication. Any and all content associated should be assumed to be mostly or entirely fictionalized. With the exception of public figures and entities, any names found within are made up and unassociated with any individuals whose names may bear a resemblance to any names used. Additionally, any quotations and events described should be viewed strictly as parody unless explicitly stated otherwise. The Mugdown is a work of humor and not a serious news source. www.mugdown.com
O T S R E T LET EDITOR E H T
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THAT GUY
By Marco Ovo Queso Polo
Whether you’ve seen “that guy” in class, walking around campus, or out at the bars- or maybe you’re that guy. Here’s a friendly reminder. Don’t be That Guy.
That Guy who asks a question when your professor asks if anyone has any questions at the end of class. You’ve already begun putting away your laptop and zipping up your backpack when the professor asks if anyone has any questions. That guy proceeds to ask a question which takes seven minutes to answer, and you proceed to get out of class 2 minutes after it was supposed to end. Don’t be that guy.
That Guy who reminds everyone how difficult his major is. Oh you’re an engineer? You have a lot of hard tests and have to spend a lot of time in the library to do well? The average without the curve on your last exam was a 42? Please, tell us more. Don’t be that guy.
That Guy who takes selfies of himself flexing in the mirrors at the Rec. He’s not worried that the Rec will likely never be finished because it’s not like he uses the exercise equipment anyways. As long as the mirrors stay streak free and he maintains the strength to lift up the dumbbell enough to show off his rockin’ bod, he’s happy. Don’t be that guy.
That Guy who drinks too much at the pregame and doesn’t make it to the actual event. Social situations can be hard, and a heavy dose of alcoholic beverage is a dependable cure. Remember it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Your date will not be pleased when you pass out at 8pm before you even get to the event, and they will not stay with you either. Don’t be that guy.
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That Guy who orders a craft beer at a bar because he has an advanced palate. College is a time where you learn how to live on a budget, and alcohol is a place where it is easy to save a couple bucks. You’re not drinking to enjoy it, you’re drinking to get drunk. But make sure to order a $14 beer at a bar instead of a Miller Lite to prove that you have good taste! Don’t be that guy.
That Guy who makes every conversation political. We get it. Your dad is tight with a state representative and you answered phones for a semester in D.C. You’re gonna work in politics one day, and you have to remind everyone of your passion for politics once per conversation while making sure no drunk snaps of you are ever posted— they could threaten your future. Don’t be that guy.
That Guy who wears shorts and a tshirt when it is 30 degrees outside. Whether or not he just didn’t check his weather app before leaving his house today, or if he just wanted to prove that his body feels no pain, we’ll never know. See also: the guy who wears a sweatshirt and jeans when it’s 95 degrees outside. Don’t be that guy.
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Student Disability Services to be
Moved to Galveston Campus By Big Brother Jed Yesterday evening, Chancellor John Sharp announced that the Board of Regents has voted to relocate Student Disability Services, previously in Cain Hall before being relocated to White Creek, to the Galveston campus. In its place, a lazy river will be constructed in a circuit around West Campus with convenient stops at the new Cain Hall hotel, Northgate, and the Bush Library. Access to the Governor Rick Perry ‘72 Lazy River™ will be restricted to the members of the Texas A&M Foundation who have contributed at least one million dollars to the university. It is expected to be used to complement the new luxury hotel and parking garage built after the demolition of Cain Hall. “While we are aware that this may pose an inconvenience to those who use Student Disability Services regularly,” said Sharp, “we receive more money from donors than we do from our disabled students. As a university that prides ourself on our excellency in the STEM fields, we must do the simple math and come to the conclusion that more money is better than less money.” Sharp went on to announce that a small shed on the beach had been requisitioned as the new location for Student Disability Services. “We think that will be more than enough room to do whatever is they do over there,” said Sharp. For ease of access, it was announced that Student Transportation Services, much lauded for their occasional timeliness, would be running a weekly shuttle between the College Station and Galveston campuses. The shuttle will leave from the MSC at 8:00 AM every Monday morning and return at 4:00 PM, assuming that the tide is out. For those students who have classes during that time slot, the Board of Regents recommends simply transferring to the Galveston campus. Big Brother Jed
Big Brother Jed is a Dirty, Filthy, Pledge and the Dirty, Filthy Pledges haven’t earned the privilege of having their life story told yet. Check out our website, www.mugdown.com/about, later this semester for more info.
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Student Counseling Service is a free service where trained professionals are invested in confidentially listening, helping, and encouraging your mental and academic success.
Their services include:
- Personal, couple, and group counseling - Crisis intervention - Psychiatric services (mental health concerns, counselling) - Substace abuse treatment - Mentoring - Career Testing - Suicide prevention resources - Learning disabilities - Self-help & stress management
Location White Creek, Bus Route 03 www.scs.tamu.edu Just want to talk? Call the HelpLine at 979-845-2700 (V&TTY).
Football Player Released to
Prevent Campus Conversation By Netflix & Drill Over Winter Break the Texas A&M Football Team quietly released one of their players, who was an unfortunate victim of sexual assault in late November while out at Northgate. The Athletic Department justified their actions by stating that student reactions to the event would only hamper the prevention and discussion of sexual assault on campus. “We want to avoid a situation where students create an uproar before forgetting it entirely and thinking they’ve accomplished something,” said an unnamed Athletic official. “Frankly, losing the player is worth not having to deal with the smugness of students thinking they addressed a major issue on campus.” The University backed the department’s decision because students have the collective memory of goldfish. “Changing the seal, misbehavior in the Student Senate, and that time the Mugdown put down all those signs out are examples of such reactions,” said Aaron Reynolds, a university spokesman. “In those cases, a problem on campus came to light, but the only thing to come from the uproar was actually preventing any real discussion or change from occurring. It would be one thing if students actually brought real change, but instead after a week of selfrighteousness they give themselves a pat on the back and move on.” When interviewed about the issue, several students seemed uncomfortable about discussing the subject or said they were too busy to give the topic the attention it deserves. “Sexual Assault is a problem on campus. If one of our athletes, a member of the Aggie Family, had been attacked then I would have fought to end this issue,” said freshman Biology major Gerald West. “However, the unfortunate assault of just a student on campus can’t distract from the current issue our student body is fighting, which is the small variety of dining issues on campus.” “With Student Body President election drama coming soon, the university could even decide to take Reveille off the field during Football Games and we would be too distracted to notice,” said Ryan Spoetzl, a junior Finance major. “Sexual assault is a pretty deep topic and if it really is such a problem, the administration should be the ones to fix it. I just ride the emotion wave with everyone else.” Netflix & Drill
Not like that, you pervert. Like Corps drills. Get your mind out of the gutter. “Why is The Bridge on The River Kwai not on Netflix,” he shouts. Netflix & Drill doesn’t just stand for the Aggie football games, he remains standing for the entirety of every single weekend the Aggies play football, sitting down only to sleep.
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Division of the masses at A&M is usually between the 2%’ers and everyone else. Now there’s a way of separating everyone else.
*
*Double points if you swallowed your ring
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Semesterly Horoscopes: Spring 2017 By Lil’ Event and Netflix & Drill
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
As an aquarius your ruling planet is Uranus. Thus making you, the redass zodiac sign. This is it, the year the Aggies go undefeated. The team needs you.
Have you turned in your app yet? As the sign of the best student organization, those born under it are sure to get accepted as a counselor. Be sure to stock up on piercings and hair dye while you still can.
Virgos would never violate the Aggie Honor Code. Just keep telling yourself that while using Adderall without a prescription. Use the exams and answers you found online, it’s not cheating if you’re being resourceful.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Libra (September 23- October 22 )
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Sagittarius (November 22 December 21)
Known for their athleticism, Aries are always hitting the gym. The Rec is finally finished and you no longer have the excuse not to go. Say good-bye to Gumby’s pizza rolls, it’s nothing but clean eating for you.
Taurus is considered to be the snobbiest and most conceited. I mean who are all those other girls to judge? It’s not your fault you you get along better with guys, it’s less drama anyways.
Just like your zodiac sign, you’re identical to everyone around you. Whether you’re in khaki or chacos, take comfort in your conformity. 2017 is not the year to branch out.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
All your friends are in relationships but you’re just looking for someone else to share that 2 for $20 deal at Chili’s with. Don’t worry, at the end of 2017 you’ll finally be walking under the Century Tree.
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The Leo is alway prideful of their accomplishments. After getting into all those organizations, be sure to post a humble Facebook status about how honored you are to be chosen for such prestigious organizations.
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Just like the scales, a Libra is always well balanced. In 2017 you will find yourself being able to maintain that 4.0 while still hitting Northgate every night. Don’t worry about over committing this year.
Get involved with a political organization on campus to learn just enough facts to use in an argument, but not formulate your own opinion. No matter what people say, your view is always right.
What even is a Sagittarius? Better luck next year.
Capricorn (December 22 January 19)
Capricorns are always wanting to climb the social ladder. With student body elections coming up, 2017 will be your year to rise to power. Just try to stay away from the infamous meetings at Kettle.
FIGHTIN’ TEXAS AGGIE CROSSWORD BTHO Old people activities!
By Good Bullogna Bring out your inner retired 70 year old Aggie to tackle the most redass puzzle ever. After you’ve finished, give bird-watching, collecting Werther’s Original candies, and eating prunes a try.
Across
4. “Liberal Arts is ____.” 8. The addictive eatery in the MSC basement. Make new friends in the 2 hour line! 9. “Apply, Apply, Apply!!!” 12. “Finish the ____.” 13. A magical tool, makes any class disappear. 15. The student body’s public enemy No. 1 in December 2016 18. Will be stuck on the Cleveland Browns next year. 19. Coffee place on the Quad that officially ended Ol’ Army. 20. A&M’s very own rapping professor.
Down
1. Library where people will stare if you’re not at least an 8/10, business major, and/or wearing comfort colors. 2. This week keeps Northgate in business. 3. TAMU prof, inspiration for the old man in “Up,” and our biggest fan 5. A&M football legend: 78/78 on field goals and extra point holds, no incomplete passes all season. 6. The sport girls attend to see “the pants.” 7. The costume sorority girls use for every mixer. 10. Most flood-prone building on campus and where dreams die. 11. These women like nothing more than a man in uniform. 14. A&M’s most reliable student-run news source. 16. Go in here with the flu, come out confused on how you could be pregnant as a male. 17. The app every student organization uses to share the same memes.
1. West Campus Library 2. Syllabus Week 3. Rodney Hill 4. Super dumb 5. Conner McQueen 6. Baseball 7. Jersey 8. Panda Express 9. Fish Camp 10. Blocker 11. Bootchasers 12. Rec 13. QDrop 14. The Mugdown 15. Richard Spencer 16. Beutel 17. Groupme 18. Myles Garrett 19.Starbucks 20. Stuckey
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CAMPUS VOICES
Time to stop watching Netflix calmly and start watching stressfully Winter break has come to an end, and the Spring 2017 semester is in full swing. We asked students to let us know their thoughts on the new semester, and here’s what they had to say “The ending of football season was pretty rough, so frankly I am glad it’s over. Now, I can shift my focus to the sports where we really excel at, like basketball…” Patrick Burns Sophomore fan studies major, on staying positive with Aggie sports
“My classes didn’t exactly go how I had hoped in the fall...I’m determined to make better grades this semester. No excuses anymore. This semester, I am committed to doing whatever it takes to improve my GPA, so long as it doesn’t require me to alter my priorities, work ethic, or lifestyle.” Joey Garfunkel Freshman organizing major, on self-improvement “The trick is to carry a duffel bag every day containing several different outfits. You’ll want to layer up in the morning, because there will probably be heavy wind and freezing temperatures. Then, you better have shorts and a t-shirt ready for your afternoon classes, or else you will be profusely sweating just walking around campus. And don’t forget to bring your rain boots, because it could start raining at any moment.” Regina Howard
Senior brunch appreciation major, on dealing with winter in College Station
“I am honestly kind of relieved that I won’t have football games to go to every Saturday anymore. It’s really going to free me up to focus on more important things, like spending all of my internship money on Northgate.” Ryan Lewis Junior political spin major, on making the best use of your time this semester
“Oh shit, did classes start already?” Craig Waters
Freshman Pabst Blue Ribbon connoiseur, on spring classes starting a week ago
“They finally finished the rec? It’s about time. Not that I plan on ever going to the rec. I just like knowing that it’s an option.” Brittany Johnston Junior taco consulting major, on maintaining a healthy lifestyle
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