A MESSAGE FROM THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF To Our Readers,
OUR STAFF EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Thank you for venturing out to pick up this newspaper. We are so grateful for your continued readership and support, especially during these trying times. We hope that our content has brought you some much-needed levity, and we are thankful to be a small part of some very important conversations that have been happening on and off campus these past six months.
Heldenfalls
EDITOR SUPREME Magnum OPAS
FINANCE EDITOR Milidairy Walk
INTERNAL EDITOR Plaid Libs
EXTERNAL EDITOR Flash It Back, Ags
CONTENT EDITOR The Maroon Scare
NEWSPAPER CHAIR Anime Sciences
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I would like to dedicate this issue to the Aggie frontline healthcare workers that have been risking their lives daily to serve others. Y’all truly embody what it means to be an Aggie, and y’all have taught us more about selfless service than the catchy RELLIS acronym ever could. It goes without saying that this is an unprecedented time at Texas A&M (and everywhere else). We are excited to continue producing content that speaks to the A&M experience, whatever that may look like this semester. Whether you’re sticking it out in College Station or living it up virtually from your parents’ basement in Dallas, we hope we can challenge you to look at things differently (or at least distract you from the last 15 minutes of your Zoom lecture). We know this may not be the semester you envisioned, but we hope that something good comes from all this uncertainty and change. It is up to us to protect each other and make this semester as successful as possible. Stay safe, wear a mask, and let’s BTHO COVID-19! Sincerely,
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HELDENFALLS 2020-2021 Editor-in-Chief | The Mugdown
A THANK YOU to a great advisor who helps us keep the Texas A&M administration on its toes.
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Disclaimer: The Mugdown is a web-based satirical news publication. Any and all content associated should be assumed to be mostly or entirely fictionalized. With the exception of public figures and entities, any names found within are made up and unassociated with any individuals whose names may bear a resemblance to any names used. Additionally, any quotations and events described should be viewed strictly as parody unless explicitly stated otherwise. The Mugdown is a work of humor and not a serious news source.
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SULLY STATUE RELOCATED
TO FRONT OF PEOPLE’S MINDS
By Longboard of Regents
Last week, Texas A&M University officials held a town hall regarding the location of the Sullivan Ross statue. Upon the conclusion of this town hall, they settled upon relocating the Sully statue to the front of people’s minds. Amidst the national Black Lives Matter movement, many systemic racial issues have been brought to light. This movement has called for the evaluation of historical statues across the U.S. that have roots in the confederacy and racial injustices. The racist history of some characters has caused even the good deeds of some to be shrouded in a negative light. Texas A&M became a topic of interest due to the presence of the statue of ex-Confederate States Army General and former university president Lawrence Sullivan ‘Sully’ Ross, which sits in the heart of the campus. Sully’s controversial history has created a divide among Aggies, and current and former students have spoken out regarding the issue. “I don’t understand why we still have the statue of a confederate general on our campus. The confederacy wasn’t even around very long. At this point, I’ve been enrolled in this school longer than the confederacy lasted,” said Alice Wallace, a 6th-year senior. “They should put up a statue of me due to how much money I’ve raked over to this place.” “In my day, we made sure to keep as many Lincoln’s at the feet of our great confederate gener- uh, I mean university president, as possible to ensure we passed our classes,” Henry Diston ’60 said. “Sully was a great president who saved this flawless university. He even gave African Americans the opportunity to attend an equal university — separate from ours, of course.” President Michael K. Young issued a statement regarding the next steps to addressing the campus climate regarding racism. “We recognize the divide among Aggies and are heartbroken at the current climate of our campus. My team and I are actively doing everything we can
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to review these issues. We know that this still isn’t enough, but we hope to take steps to make this university as inclusive as possible. I am releasing the current efforts that we will be pursuing in this matter. This is not an attempt to stall,” said Young, pocketing a wad of $100 bills from a class of 1972 representative. These efforts included discussions for action on race relations, erecting a statue of Matthew Gaines, recruiting more underrepresented students, and issuing anti-discrimination bystander intervention training, among other initiatives. Many current students continued to request more immediate and conclusive action, while rumors from the Association of Former Students indicate many donors’ intentions to withdraw money should the statue be removed. It is unknown which of these influences will carry more weight. “As we navigate these trying times, it is important to remember the power and unity that comes with the Aggie Spirit,” Young said. “As Aggies, we all hold a unique connection from experiencing Aggieland. I will provide updates as they are available, but in the meantime, I am glad that we could move Sully to the front of our minds.”
Longboard of Regents
7th Pledge Class: The Americano Dream
The culture of Texas A&M University would not be the same without the overemphasis of the unique names we’ve given organizations and traditions on our campus. Here at The Mugdown, we know that an attempt to pick up on Aggie verbiage can be overwhelming. To make your transition back to Aggieland easier, we’ve boiled down these common Aggie words, phrases, and things to their most accurate meaning. Association of Former Students, n. The Texas A&M version of a high school hero. Can be found tailgating in Lot 100, wearing university-branded apparel from their glory days, and posting about the death of Old Army on Facebook. Many members will donate approximately $5 to the university every year in an attempt to remain credible and relevant. See also: Ol’ Army The Battalion, n. The official sounding board for unsolicited opinions from that one kid in your CHEM 101 class. Bootchaser, n. A simp for the Corps of Cadets. Bootchasers fetishize tall, brown boots and bald freshmen while drinking coffee at Quadbucks. However, a true bootchaser will deny that she is pursuing upper-level members of the Corps of Cadets. See also: Corps of Cadets, Quad Breakaway, n. A rave/dating service cleverly disguised as a mass bible study at 9 p.m. on Tuesday nights in Reed Arena. Also functions as a Christian Bubble-approved excuse for not finding a church community. See also: Christian Bubble Corps of Cadets, n. A fraternity cleverly disguised as a military and leadership organization. Texas A&M University’s premium purveyor of stolen valor. Allows for a “taste test” of the military and receipt of meaningless awards and commendations. See also: Bootchasers, Quad Fish Camp, n. A party/dating service cleverly disguised as a freshman orientation program. Also functions as a personality trait.
Howdy, n. The official greeting of Texas A&M University that is only used by tour guides and overfriendly banner holders. Hullabaloo, n. That one part of the war hymn that comes before you have to remember “rough tough, real stuff Texas A&M.” See also: Dormitories Ol’ Army, n. A term that describes the “glory days” of Texas A&M, often used by Former Students to make sure new Aggies know their experience will never compare to being able to haze and discriminate like the good ole days! See also: Association of Former Students Q-Drop, n. Get-out-of-jail-free card. Most often used when a course is harder than previously thought but will be excused by “the professor just sucked.” Tradition, n. Cited as the official reason Texas A&M University is special. Quantity over quality! West Campus, n. Past the railroad tracks and under the bridge lay the shadow lands known as West Campus. Among the rundown buildings without smoke detectors, the empty dip-spitters, and the faint scent of manure roam the slithering Mays snakes and Kleberg cowboys. Yell Leaders, n. The official cheerleading representatives of Texas A&M. While the names and faces change over the years, the yell leader qualities remain the same: good ole boys who embody the values of the Corps of Cadets and can be found just good bullin,’ singin’ songs, and sucking up to university officials. Did we mention they sure do love their mamas? See also: 5 for Yell
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OPINION:
IT’S TIME TO EMPOWER THE CORPS OF CADETS BY CTE-WALK
W
ith all that has been going on in our nation and university community alike, it’s time to look to the Keepers of the Spirit, our very own Corps of Cadets. Once our university’s greatest and only asset, the Corps has a long history of stepping up when we need them. Now, due to changing culture and ideals at our university, the Corps is but a shadow of its former self. However, by empowering the Corps in its mission to uphold the traditions of Texas A&M, the Corps will be able to better protect its legacy and serve the institution that we all hold dear. We need to dominate the moral and physical battlefields that surround our most cherished traditions and ramp up efforts to better our university’s image. One first concrete step in the right direction would be allowing the Corps to serve as a quick response force to instances of civil unrest or narrative rejection. This initiative would require a two-fold strategy involving both active
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protest countermeasures and more indirect suppression of dissenting voices. As far as countering intense protests or riots on campus, we would need to outfit our cadets with equipment for dispersing crowds, such as bull horns to lead impromptu yell practices or faux campus tours. If this is not enough, it may be necessary to take a more physical approach, which could mean outfitting Corps training weapons to fire rubber, less-lethal rounds as a means of controlling crowds. When it comes to defending the ideals and traditions that this institution was founded upon and that are embodied in statues and buildings on campus, no cost is too great. As impressive as those measures are, though, they would do nothing to address some of the most dangerous assaults on our traditions: academic classes. This is why we need to pack our classes full of cadets to redirect class discussions should they go in a radical and
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potentially damaging direction. This may look like a group of cadets asking courserelated but unimportant questions until class time runs out, or even outright talking over malicious instructors or confused students. Our university is under attack, and if we don’t act swiftly, we may see irreversible changes befall our beloved Aggie life. Our history makes us who we are, and that is something to be proud of. We need to remember that the vandalization of the mind is equally as dangerous as the vandalization of statues. We must do everything we can to protect it from counterproductive and false narratives that do not portray our university as it is — perfect and without equal, supreme to all who are different.
CTE-WALK
Dirty, Filthy Pledge
FALL SEMESTER HOROSCOPES
By Panic! at the Flagroom
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
A handful of cajun seasoning from Rev’s is an effective projectile for fending off your enemies as well as keeping away your friends. Choose wisely when blessing the masses with zesty justice.
Consider supporting a local restaurant in the Bryan/ College Station area. Don’t listen to the murmurs that plague you as soon as you step within 20 feet of an on-campus Chick-Fil-A. The Chick-n-Minis do not define you; do not get lost in the sauce.
It may seem like the Wellborn train is out to get you, but rest assured: you are of little significance to the thundering locomotive.
The Quad this, the E-Quad that, the quads you should be worrying about are your quadriceps. Leg day waits for no one — get a head start to achieving the legs of your dreams.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Maroon is red mixed with brown, while burgundy is red mixed with purple. The Aggie Maroon Hex Code is 500000. Keep this in mind when buying your 72nd article of “maroon” clothing.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
If you’re reading a satirical newspaper’s horoscope looking for justification to break up with your significant other, consider this a sign to re-evaluate your relationship. We’re Texas A&M’s first and finest satirical newspaper, not Texas A&M’s first and finest relationship counselors.
Sometimes, peace is found through uncomfortable conversations about our own biases. And sometimes it is found while watering the flowers at the Leach Teaching Gardens. Both of these are necessary.
Sit down and enjoy a cup of warm beverage. Your plans for world domination will be greatly enhanced by mild caffeination and the frustration of waiting in the Evans Starbucks line for an eternity and a half.
Don’t listen to the naysayers — Northwestgate does exist. To find it, you have to find the golden beer cap in Bottle Cap Alley. You’ll know what comes next.
Consider making time in your planner to pet a Heldenfels cat. Be careful though, if it has an elongated face and pink paws, that’s an opossum.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
The siren song of the chilled energy drink at the vending machine in Langford A is nearly impossible to resist when you’ve been cramming for who knows how long, but stay strong. Remember the last time you downed enough caffeine to give an elephant a heart attack. Yeah, that wasn’t pretty.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
The answer to all of your problems lies at the bottom of Fish Pond, but you can only access it on October 5th at 2:43 a.m., CDT. A wetsuit is strongly recommended, but not required.
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PRESIDENT YOUNG FORMS TASK FORCE TO CHOOSE A BALANCED BREAKFAST By Anime Sciences Earlier this week, President Michael K. Young announced in a campuswide email that he plans to form a task force to decide which cereal he will have for breakfast each day. In his email, President Young clarified that his decision came after meeting with the appropriate representatives. “Earlier today, I met with Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam, and Count Chocula to discuss the importance of a balanced breakfast,” Young said. “We discussed how I can best obtain ten or more vitamins and minerals while still enjoying my breakfast every day. Effective immediately, I am announcing the creation of a task force on breakfast cereals. In addition, I am forming a commission on cartoons. This group will make informed recommendations every day so I know what to watch in tandem with my meal.”
It is expected that the task force will decide which milk he should choose to accommodate the caloric deficits or surpluses he might have eaten the previous day. “I am looking forward to what they decide,” President Young said in a press release. “They expect to report back in three to four months. In the meantime, I won’t be able to make any changes to my diet whatsoever.” President Young proceeded to thank the task force and commission as he would not have been able to make the decisions on his own.
Anime Sciences
7th Pledge Class: The Americano Dream
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FILM REVIEWS
By Hiss and Tell & Hullabaloo Balls
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG After all this time, we finally have the Hollywood premiere that literally nobody asked for: Sonic the Hedgehog on the big screen. I had to go see this one for myself, if only just because of how guaranteed the train wreck was. Imagine my surprise when the film was so incredibly, comically bad that it actually wound up being kind of good. I’d give Sonic the Hedgehog a five out of five in the same way you might give The Room a five out of five. Not because it’s good, of course, but because it’s so bad that I couldn’t help but enjoy myself. Admittedly the conflict is really compelling. Sonic can run at the speed of sound, but after spending his whole life running, he finally learns to stand his ground? The messages about trusting in your friends and remembering your roots? That’s a beautiful character arc, but at the end of the day, that doesn’t make up for the fact that he’s a big, blue hedgehog. That’s way too ridiculous a premise to recover from, even if the movie is a heartwarming instant classic. Realistically, the movie was more like a two. Maybe at best a four. We’ll call it a solid four-point-five.
INTERSTELLAR Here at The Mugdown, we, like many in these troubled, cinema-less times, have dug down deep into our film libraries to fill that need of popcorn, candy, and a brief two-hour break from society we’ve been so desperately jonesing for. In our journey through films past, we have landed at the Mumford and Sons of cinema brought to us by none other than Christopher Nolan. If you have ever had the honor of being in a film studies course with that white guy who claims he is going to work in the industry one day, you have a sure-fire chance of guessing his favorite movie, this movie, nine out of ten times. This film is, of course, Interstellar. Now, by no means is Interstellar a poor film or one that doesn’t deserve its praise. It is simply the fact that if you look into your average white man’s eyes and ask him to quote Interstellar, he will undoubtedly break out an abysmal at best McConaughey impression and yell “Murph’’ into your face. Interstellar, a film that is arguably one of Nolan’s best films, has shamefully found itself laying in the depths of average white guy idolization among the likes of cargo shorts and Dave Matthews. In review, when you watch Interstellar, you must embrace the culture it has set for itself to truly get into the mind of those who “really understand” it. So to best view this film, crack a bud, put on your best cargos and Chacos, and listen to “Chicken Fried.” These elements combined will give you your best viewing experience. www.mugdown.com September 2020 The Mugdown
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HERO PROSPECTIVE STUDENT REDUCES CAMPUS
RACISM BY OUTING SELF AS BIGOT
By Plaid Libs
According to university officials, prospective freshman Wayne Cox independently withdrew his intent to attend Texas A&M University this fall after uploading a series of racist posts online. Despite announcing his prejudices, many students commended Cox for doing more to purge racism from campus than the university itself. “Exposing myself as a raging bigot before I even set foot on campus is the least I could do for the Texas A&M community,” said Cox when asked for comment. “It was important to let my fellow Aggies know I was a danger to everyone around me and that people should stay well away from me as a human being in general. I think that we all have our part to play in making the world a better place.” This news comes in the wake of Texas A&M’s announcement that they would begin investigating racist social media posts online. Still, officials say they had no hand in the prospective student’s decision not to attend the university. After being briefed on the situation, members of the task force were reported to have looked through the Student Rules and shrugged their shoulders. “We’re lucky to have kids like Wayne who withdraw from Texas A&M willingly because we never actually expel anyone for that kind of thing,” said Donna Wilkins, a university spokesperson. “Some of these guys do our job better than we do.”
Plaid Libs
8th Pledge Class: Any Beans Necessary
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GRADUATE AND PROFESSIONAL STUDENT
COUNCIL ANNOUNCES WAR ON
UNIVERSITY ADMINISTRATION
By Crygon
In a shocking move, the Graduate and Professional Student Council (GPSC) announced last week that they would take the next steps in a war declaration against Texas A&M University administration. The announcement points to the lack of preferential treatment to graduate students in the school’s plans to reopen for the fall as the reason for the declaration.
“We are getting the same instruction time as undergraduates even though our classes are more pertinent to our future careers. Our relationships with our professors will suffer with less instruction time,” said GPSC President Nida Hanson. “How can we expect our grades to be inflated with less interaction time?” Graduate students not involved with the GPSC seem conflicted with the announcement. “We already experience competent and personalized advising, professors that actually care about us, designated graduateonly spaces on campus, smaller classes, and extreme grade inflation. This declaration seems a little overboard,” said Corey Gillespie, a second-year graduate student in the Department of Psychology. Undergraduate voices have echoed the sentiments shared by Gillespie. University officials could not be reached for comment. Without full support from the graduate student community, this declaration appears to be dead on arrival.
Crygon
Dirty, Filthy Pledge
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FRESHMAN’S GEOGRAPHY KNOWLEDGE
GROWS AFTER FIRST WEEK
OUTSIDE LOCAL TOWN By Hannibal Lechner As freshman Beau Kritter left his small town for the first time this August, his knowledge of cities other than his hometown has climbed exponentially. No longer is he surrounded by the same few thousand people he grew up with. Instead, he is now enveloped by a diverse world of people who look, speak, and act nothing like his seven childhood friends. “When I first walked into my dorm, my roommate said he was from Temple, Texas, and I was so confused,” Kritter said. “It struck me that I have no idea where anything is other than Houston, Austin, and Dallas.” While the initial shock of meeting people from other cities was huge, Kritter was soon regularly meeting people from places he’d never heard of. “Anytime someone introduced themself, I would have to ask where the place they were from was located. It just never occurred to me that there were so many cities in Texas.” Over the last week, Kritter has made friends with people from Abilene, Laredo, and Round Rock — all places he had never heard of before coming to A&M. This jump in his Texan geography knowledge can be credited to the mass amounts of people he spoke to in his classes, informationals, and campus events. He is still reportedly figuring out how many Houston suburbs there are. While significant progress has been made in Kritter’s in-state geography, it remains uncertain how he will respond when he meets his first out-of-state student.
Hannibal Lechner Dirty, Filthy Pledge
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CROSSWORD
By Magnum OPAS and Baptism by Dryer
10 Another thing the Dixie Chicken briefly thought they lost this summer 11 The most renowned housing region in College Station 14 You’d better get ahead and put as many pennies on him while you can 16 Often referred to with the prefix “global,” redundantly
Down: Across: 1
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A season that, unlike spring, summer, fall, and winter, very likely isn’t happening “West Campus Library- wait, I mean…” One thing the Dixie Chicken lost this summer The second-best newspaper on campus Even if they have games in this large venue, you’ll probably have to rent a classroom in the south face of Rudder Tower to watch it
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Fun and easy, until they were the only option “Can everyone see my screen?” Important safety device, or what we all put on to fit in A topical issue you expected us to fit somewhere in here The core values acronym if hate was added to the end, or a misspelled condiment 12 An action that makes you feel like you have the virus for a second, before realizing it isn’t a symptom 13 A bootchaser’s most valuable resource 15 Oft-mispronounced dining hall www.mugdown.com September 2020 The Mugdown 13
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CAMPUS VOICES
A survey from Yello, a student talent acquisition firm, found that 35 percent of internships were canceled this summer. With an increase in enrollment for summer classes, students and professors have had to change their plans at the last minute. How did COVID-19 change your summer plans?
“Fortunately, my daddy is high up at one of the big four accounting firms, so I still had an internship. My friends said I didn’t deserve the position, but my favorite thing about meritocracy is nepotism!” Josh Shillock
Junior Finance Major
“I lectured for a summer class. I can tell the pandemic and remote learning had a real effect on my students, and I’m glad they’re feeling the despair us professors have felt for our entire careers.” Dr. Ryland Greenfield
Associate Engineering Professor
“Not only did I have to deal with a pandemic, but I also had to address racial issues on campus. Not even my time at Brigham Young University could’ve prepared me for the fence-sitting it took to get out of this situation.” Michael K. Young Texas A&M University President
“When they announced rush would be virtual this upcoming semester, I spent the rest of my summer stalking the Instagrams of PNM’s. I’m not going to let some little virus affect the reputation of my sorority.” Kara Crawford
Phi Phi Kappa
“Changed? The only thing that is changing how much money I’m donating to this university! The leadership of this school is ruining everything that makes Texas A&M great!” itsarmysfault TexAgs Politics Forum
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