Fall 2021 Print Edition by The Mugdown

A MESSAGE FROM THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF To Our Readers,

OUR STAFF EDITOR‑IN-CHIEF Flash It Back, Ags

EDITOR SUPREME Ring Chunks

FINANCE EDITOR Century Tree Hugger

INTERNAL EDITOR Crygon

EXTERNAL EDITOR Plaid Libs

CONTENT EDITOR Milidairy Walk

NEWSPAPER CHAIR Ring Chunks

YOU NEED US

Thank you for deigning to pick up a copy of this dying medium, The Mugdown’s Fall 2021 print edition. If this is the first time you’ve read our content and you only picked this up because of the colorful cover, I hope you find something worthwhile in these pages and stick around with us. If you’re a continued reader, I hope this print edition has everything you’ve been waiting for. It is thanks to you, reader, and the daily actions of thousands of others on this campus that we are able to continue to produce content for you. I would like to dedicate this issue to everyone who is still a freshman even though you’re not the class of 2025. Whether you’re the class of 2024 who feels like last year didn’t count or you’re the class of 2023 who had to leave halfway through their freshman year, it is thanks to y’all that the freshmen now have their own version of a super senior. There are so many delightful things about this university that you have yet to take part in and, whether you have a a few years left or you’re getting out of dodge in a few semesters, I’m truly glad that you’re still here and hope you can escape the dystopian reality of existing between student classifications. I feel I speak for most of us when I say that we hope this fall is a little bit better than the last time around. We can’t wait to show y’all what we’ve been working on over the summer and hope that, after you finish with this paper, you’ll stick around on our social media and website. We constantly seek to challenge your views or, at the very least, make you say, “I thought this was satire!” To the true freshmen in the class of 2025, welcome to Aggieland. To the rest of you irrelevant people, it can (hopefully) only go up from here. Take care of each other and yourselves this year and remember, a new day is always coming. Now get out there and make a difference this semester!

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FLASH IT BACK, AGS 2021-2022 Editor-in-Chief | The Mugdown

A THANK YOU to a great advisor who helps us keep the Texas A&M administration on its toes.

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Disclaimer: The Mugdown is a web-based satirical news publication. Any and all content associated should be assumed to

be mostly or entirely fictionalized. With the exception of public figures and entities, any names found within are made up and unassociated with any individuals whose names may bear a resemblance to any names used. Additionally, any quotations and events described should be viewed strictly as parody unless explicitly stated otherwise. The Mugdown is a work of humor

September 2021 www.mugdown.com

Letters to the Editor Hey, thanks for coming to meet me today. Let me just start off by saying that I’m so glad God has allowed us to go through this past season of our lives together. I’ve always prayed for someone who would take me from the “single” to the “dating” part of Ben Stuart’s Breakaway book, and I found that person in you. If I’m being honest though, I really don’t think that God is calling us to be together right now. He’s put some meditations on my heart recently that have made me think. The spirit of singleness is calling me right now, and it would be totally unfair of me to lead you on when the Spirit is so clearly telling me that you’re not meant to be my partner-in-Christ. Anyway, I really hope to see you back at T-Bar-M next summer, and I’ll be praying that you find someone else to lead you in your faith. Casanova of the Christian Bubble

Listen up, you little farmhand wannabe. You have NO idea what it takes to be a real rancher. Every day I wake up and have to bear the knowledge that my family’s legacy as morally-questionable beef producers rests on my shoulders. You think I don’t notice the laughing as you drive past my townhome in the Barracks, watching me rope my plastic cow on the driveway? Sweetheart, if you knew half of the effort it took to wrangle a 1,300 pound heifer charging at you with the force of a full throttle tractor, maybe you wouldn’t be laughing so hard. Next time you want to poke fun at the hick drinking piss-water beer on his front porch couch, remember this— without me, there wouldn’t be the $4 hamburger patties you pass up in the HEB meat section. Barracks Beef Boy

So you’re telling me I can’t use my roommate’s parking pass when I go to campus anymore? But I used it for everything! Football games, Midnight Yell, studying at Evans, working out at the Rec, going to meetings, you name it. Now they’re making me buy one to match my license plate? What a waste of money. Surely they won’t actually check it that closely though, right? Maybe I should just roll the dice and not get one this year, but I don’t know if I can risk that. I’m still paying off the citations from getting caught without a sticker for my moped. And now I have to get a pass for my car also? Ugh! This just seems like another way for the university to get more money from students. How do I even register? When does registration open? Oh no! I missed the deadline... Irresponsible Student

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WHO WILL STEAL YOUR HEART THIS SEMESTER? Do they need extra time to graduate?

Yes, they’ll be here forever.

Nah, school just takes forever.

Do they tend to be a rule follower?

Probably not.

Yeah, I think they just really love Aggie football.

Eh, when they feel like it.

Hopefully it’s a fun color!

How involved are they on campus?

Yes, always.

Thoughts on their hair?

Is it by choice?

I’m convinced they do everything.

They pretty much don’t leave their apartment.

The shorter, the better.

Fish Camp Counselor

Corps Cutie

Super Senior

Aggie Engineer

They’re here for a good time, not a long time. This counselor, straight back from Lakeview, won’t shut up about their summer experience. Luckily, their social commitments should wind down quickly as camp friends remember that they are no longer obligated to like each other.

We knew you liked khaki a little bit more than you let on. Not to worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea. By fish, we do mean that cute freshman in your BIOL 111 class with the short hair and fear in their eyes. This semester, say yes to love and snag yourself a date to every Midnight Yell.

So you want someone with a little more experience? Good thing this super senior knows their way around an Aggie relationship. We’re not exactly sure how long they’ve been a student here, or if they even are a student, but we do know they wouldn’t dare graduate without you.

From study dates to long, heartfelt conversations about how they’re better than you and your management major, this pretentious heartthrob will sweep you off your feet in a way only an Aggie Engineer can. Hopefully you think calculators are sexy, because there’s no way that your babe will own fewer than three.

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September 2021 www.mugdown.com

THE MUGDOWN’S TIPS AND TRICKS FOR GIGGING

“I mentioned my Goldman internship and the countless networking contacts I made there.”

Yeah, you know the type. Nothing is more attractive to a man than the challenge of a woman with the potential to be more successful than him. If he isn’t attracted to your looks, hit the books. Brianna ’22 Finance Major

THE AG OF YOUR

D R E A M S

“I scaled all four flights of HELD twice a day, every day. Consistency is key.” This one can be tricky, but those who can silence their panting, desperate attempts for air and contain the redness on their faces upon arriving at the fourth floor are the elite who serve as a reminder that a god-tier exists among the greatest as well. Ryker ’23 Aspiring Personal Trainer “I said I didn’t know how to dance my 27th time at Harry’s.” Give the men what they want: control. Let them think they are leading you in a dance when in reality, you are leading them into a permanent place in your life. Step on their toes, giggle, apologize, and repeat. Maggie ’24 Sophomore Bootchaser

“I tightened my safety goggles a notch extra to get those sweet goggle marks of a STEM major to last throughout the day.” Work smarter, not harder. Crisp red lines and baggy eyes are the signs of a man who can successfully titrate on his first attempt. A relationship with a chemistry major will promise you chemistry in your relationship. Paxton ’21 Single

“I walked around campus in business professional attire, regardless of if I had an interview or project that day.”

“I spent the night in the Zachry study rooms with Visual Studio open, looking helpless and confused.”

Presentation is everything. How better to appeal to a woman as a potential suitor if not to casually present to her your wedding day outfit? Nonchalantly flip your wrist to check the time on daddy’s Rolex, even if you still haven’t learned to read analog.

Engaging with the men found in Zachry past 1 a.m. is a failsafe method to securing a six figure salary soulmate. A meet-cute in the 24 hour study room not only ensures passing your class, but might also fulfill your Bob the Builder fantasy.

Brent ’24 Has “entrepreneur” in Tinder bio

Nikki ’23 MEEN Girl www.mugdown.com September 2021

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STUDENT ADMITS LAZINESS TO CAREER FAIR RECRUITER By MSC ALITTLE

Junior economics student Gary Garza waited in line for 45 minutes at a career fair last Wednesday before admitting to a recruiter that he is “flat out lazy with no redeeming qualities.” Garza then spent the next 5 minutes outlining his relevant experiences, which include doing a risk-reward analysis to decide whether to cheat on his math exam and using cost-effectiveness analysis to choose how many girls he needs to invite to kickbacks for him and all his friends to get laid. Concluding his elevator pitch, Garza mentioned that he wants to join a work environment where he is a “culture fit” and told the recruiter to look out for his resume. Garza’s blunt assessment of his own work ethic signals a significant decay in his self-perception. Beginning his sophomore year of high school, Garza frequently reposted quotes from hustle lifestyle Instagram accounts and was known for updating his Snapchat story each time he completed a school assignment or visited the gym, usually captioned with the phrase “Build a Better You.” These ten-

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September 2021 www.mugdown.com

dencies remained intact throughout the pandemic as his study habits worsened until they came to an abrupt stop several weeks ago on a Tuesday night at Los Cucos. “We’d always give Lucas a hard time about skipping every required recitation for karaoke, especially after how much he talked about getting back on his grind once in-person classes started again. That career fair was the first time he didn’t make an excuse and actually lived up to the fact that he is going nowhere in life,” said Jonathan Olaez, a friend of Garza’s. “I’m really happy that he’s finally free from the pressure he put on himself to be successful. Personally, I’ve been a lot happier since I lost all of my ambition.”

MSC ALITTLE Dirty, Filthy Pledge

FALL SEMESTER HOROSCOPES Aries (March 21-April 19) Do not fear the ominous voice in the back of your head. That’s your conscience.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

A big opportunity is coming your way. It’s almost here. Oh God. You don’t have much time. Don’t look it in the eyes. Never return to this wretched place.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Libra (September 23-October 22)

At work and in your personal life, you may struggle to assert yourself. Readjust your mindset: make the COVID-19 virus currently partying in your respiratory system work for you. You’re the boss.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Disapointments in your personal life might have you down. Take some time for yourself by spending $40 on two bath bombs and drinking an entire bottle of red wine alone.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Be wary of strangers with unknown intentions. Many are harmless, but some are trying to encourage you to attend bible study on Wednesdays at 7pm.

Take the time to convene with those closest to your heart and ask each and every one of them if you’re being annoying, reassuring them that they can totally be honest if you are.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Leo (July 23-August 22) During this time of change, don’t forget to remain true to who you are. Reject all requests for self-improvement; do not let anyone change you.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) Surround yourself with good people, good music, good food, and good moments. It won’t matter. The problem is staring back at you in the mirror.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) The planets have convened, and they decided you’re totally justified in breaking up with your significant other.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) At the first football game, face due east and yell backwards. The answer you seek will be revealed.

After much reflection, you have made peace with your ever-changing feelings and decided you’re not broken after all, which is honestly such a dumb, emotional Cancer thing to believe.

You may have noticed the strange occurances happening in your house. Rest assured, it is your roommate, not a ghost. They’re eating your peanut butter with a spoon.

www.mugdown.com September 2021

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FILM REVIEWS By MSC ALITTLE AUSTIN POWERS

With the release of Daniel Craig’s final Bond movie just weeks away, I prepared by examining the film that prevents the dull, trigger-happy 007 from being taken seriously: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. I was charmed within the first five minutes of the film by its samba-jazz opening song and the swingin’ shindig. It is fun to imagine dancing in a flash mob on the streets of London or getting drinks at Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swingers Club, especially when your reality might involve spending every weekend at a bar that has “The” as half of its name. Alas, not all of us can live the life of a swingin’ fashion photographer by day and a groovy British secret agent by night, but I have identified the top three takeaways from

the first Austin Powers film that will help you better understand our world and arm you with the knowledge necessary to build a shagadelic life. Now that’s “groovy, baby, yeah!” 1. You will never be able to undo the effects that consumerism has had on your thought process. We live in a world where it is easier to make a connection to a fifteen-second television advertisement than it is to the literature that has shaped Western society. It has been at least 10 years since I have seen a commercial for Lucky Charms, but the scene where the Irish assassin says, “They’re always after me Lucky Charms” when referencing his bracelet instantly clicked with me before the movie explicitly acknowledged the joke. It is time to face the fact that the marketing departments of multinational organizations are the Lockes, Copernicuses, and Platos of the postmodern era in how they have shaped the thinking of our time. 2. Your desire for your bloodline to continue does not outweigh the moral wrong of bringing a child into a world you know is doomed. According to a 2017 study in the Environmental Research Letters, not having children is the biggest positive impact a person can have on the climate. “So what,” you say. “Corporations won’t stop polluting, so we’re screwed no matter what I do.” Acknowledging that fact and still choosing to create a life that will endure so much drought, famine and unrest makes you no better than the film’s antagonist. As a member of a developed nation, your unsustainable and disproportionate consumption of Earth’s resources is creating a fiery hellscape for your offspring, just like how Dr. Evil plans to nuke the world that his son will inherit. 3. British people drive on the left side of the road. Maybe you never batted an eye when you first saw the Union Jack Jaguar, or Shaguar, but, in practice, this fact is difficult to recall in crucial moments. Even if you never step foot in Swingin’ London, it is a useful reminder to be a defensive driver in case you ever spot David Beckham or Prince Harry on the roads in the states.

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By Sharts & Rec BLACK WIDOW

Black Widow, the origin story of Natasha Romanoff, is a thorough example of Marvel’s technique of storytelling through flashbacks. Who would have thought that young Nat was an angsty teen with blue hair? I was thoroughly enjoying the first half hour or so until I watched something that snapped me back to the reality of the true purpose of female characters in Marvel films: an almost one-minute-long, uninterrupted shot of Scarlett Johannson’s butt. The movie just would not have been the same without that perfectly crafted shot— just long enough to give the people what they wanted, but not long enough to make them feel weird about it. Besides the random reminder for all the Marvel bros out there that Scarlett Johannson has a butt, I enjoyed Black Widow. Florence Pugh was incredible as always, and David Harbour did a great job playing the guy from Stranger Things. This movie had everything: family (but not like in F9), Russian accents, girl bosses, intelligent pigs, Don McLean’s “American Pie,” and most importantly, people from Ohio.

F9: THE FAST SAGA

Fast & Furious? More like Slow & Indifferent! It seems that the cast and crew of F9 thought going to space in a Pontiac Fiero would distract us from the film’s mediocrity. Try switching it up for once by highlighting the glory of a Honda Civic. My disappointment mainly stems from how far this film strayed from the true meaning of the franchise: family. In F9, the word “family” is said a mere seven times. This pales in comparison to Fast & Furious 6, which respects the roots of the franchise by repeating “family” 11 times. If Vin Diesel doesn’t remind me of the true purpose of blowing up cars with your besties every 15 to 20 minutes, then I don’t want it. F9 had the potential to be great when world-renowned actor John Cena was cast in the starring role of Vin Diesel’s vengeful brother. Are you entertained? No, not in the slightest. Despite playing what should have been a significant role in the movie, he wasn’t visible on screen at all. They clearly didn’t think that one through. Aside from these flaws, F9 has the prospects of being 2021’s best comedy. With slapstick humor, physical comedy, and drawn-out fight scenes, you will have no trouble laughing along to this movie. www.mugdown.com September 2021

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SHOW HIM YOU’RE NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS:

JOIN A MEN’S ORG!

Dear The Mugdown, When I first came to Texas A&M, I thought I would be so different from other girls here. I love being outdoors (I have a skateboard and Vans to prove it), I love drinking IPAs and recording them on Untapped, and above all, I genuinely enjoy watching every sport that exists. Even my XL t-shirts have ironic statements on them, like “Women Want Me, Fish Fear Me” so people know I have a good sense of humor. Despite this, I feel like I’m just blending in with the other women here and my crush isn’t noticing me. How do I show him that I’m able to be one of the boys while still having him think that I’m desirable? Help me! Quirky and Unique Hey Quirky, You’re definitely not alone— many women struggle to find the line between being a bro and maintaining their status as a feminine object of sexual desire. From what you said, it can be assumed that you are not like other girls and get along better with guys because they’re so low-drama and easy to be around. You probably love playing Madden and Call of Duty, and you’ve been known to sing along to Chance the Rapper and Tyler, the Creator. This isn’t to say, however, that you walk around looking like a total schlub; you know how to rock a square-tip manicure and are a professional at putting your hair into a tastefully-arranged, messy low bun. Thankfully, there is one tried and true method that will

Flash It Back, Ags

8th Pledge Class: Any Beans Necessary

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September 2021 www.mugdown.com

undoubtedly get his attention and solidify you as the coolest girl he knows: joining a men’s org. If you think about it, a men’s org is the perfect setting for a young woman who knows her worth, doesn’t wish to subject herself to the social intricacies of all-female friend groups, and has interests that other women “just don’t understand.” While the guys in your chosen org may initially try to reject you, rely on one of the skills you talked about. You could easily discuss the fruity undertones of whatever dogpiss water they’re calling beer or talk about how the Aggies really need to become more comfortable running passing plays and stop sitting on the ball for so damn long. Whatever you steer the conversation towards, make sure it’s something that other girls couldn’t even hope to talk about. When joining a men’s org, you’ll want to make sure that you choose one with a good reputation and a membership base made up of guys that are hot, but not so hot that your crush feels like he has no chance. On the other end, you’ll want to avoid joining an org full of weirdos, uggos, or total virgins. You’ll ideally find a group that shares some of your common, non-female interests, has frequent brotherhood events you can post about, and allows you the opportunity to hone the assets you already have. Bonus points if they host a tailgate you can use to show off your perfect cornhole toss. If all else fails, remember that the right person is out there for you. You shouldn’t have to completely sacrifice the things you love about yourself for the attention of a man who probably hasn’t washed his sheets since the beginning of the spring semester. The qualities that you value in yourself are what draw people to you, even if THE person hasn’t found you yet. You could also cash it in and date a guy in the Corps. Happy hunting!

ADRENALINE JUNKIE INITIATES CONVERSATION ON ELEVATOR RIDE

By BIMS and Snap In a recent text to her mom, sophomore Sophia Anderson detailed the lackluster quality of summer life in Bryan-College Station. Without the thrill of the city and the life-risking adventures it can pose, Anderson claimed, “the 30 seconds of travel from the lobby to the 12th floor gives [her] more than enough opportunity for excitement and action.” Anderson stepped onto her apartment complex’s elevator with no intention other than to put the oblivious company at the utmost unease. The awkward initiation of conversation was only the beginning of the rush for Anderson. Sources indicate that the variable span of a topic of conversation, mixed with the mystery of the elevator ride’s length, added the aspect of unnecessarily prolonged silences to her game. Anderson employed new conversation starters

for those who did not exit the elevator during the given pauses. Anderson believes that her efforts do not go unnoticed and that they are even appreciated by her company. “I have unsolicitedly gathered enough information from the elevator girl that I may even consider her a friend now,” said a resident of Anderson’s building. “I’ve learned that pretending to not have heard her or even genuinely being on the phone will not stop her pursuits. I have to mentally prepare myself for the ride to my floor whenever I see her. Can’t this girl take a hint?” Sometimes the conversation serves as Anderson’s personal challenge for the day. Much like the popular ‘elevator roulette’ challenge, conversing with people in a short period of time gives her a small sense of accomplishment.

BIMS and Snap Dirty, Filthy Pledge

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PARAGONS OF CULTURE RETURN FROM

STUDYING ABROAD, UNABLE TO

READJUST TO COLLEGE LIFE

By House Boyz II Men

This past summer, many students went abroad to earn credit hours, encounter different cultures, learn new languages, and visit well-known historical sites. For most, the experience has left them struggling to readjust to college life. Extreme jet lag is a grueling battle for many students with the time difference between America and foreign countries. “When I first got home, I just could not get any rest and ended up bedridden for a week from exhaustion and fatigue,” said junior Nicole Richardson. [Editor’s note: Richardson was recently diagnosed with insomnia.] Reverse culture shock has also struck some of the students returning home. “I was so used to staying out at the bars until 5:00 AM and sleeping in until noon every day in London. Northgate just isn’t the same. 2:00 AM is too early for the bars to close!” said senior Scott Andrews. “Also, I have to get up at 8:00 AM every day for class now. School wasn’t like this in England!” [Editor’s note: Andrews recently missed his first quiz because he slept in until 11:00 AM.] “I just miss my new girlfriend I met in Spain,” said junior George Milton. “I don’t know how we’re going to make long-distance work yet, but it’s a challenge we’re willing to face together.” [Editor’s note: Milton and his girlfriend broke up over FaceTime two weeks later.] For many returning students, figuring out what they are going to eat for their next meal is the biggest obstacle of their day. “My host family cooked every meal for me, but now I have to cook for myself again and buy my own groceries. The only good thing about being

House Boyz II Men Dirty, Filthy Pledge

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home is that my bank account can begin to recover. Too bad I don’t have a job here and the wine is more expensive,” said senior Jackson Goodfellow. With the new unfortunate realities that these students must face, they must find activities and friends that will help them distract them from obsessively reminiscing on the best days of their life.

5 Finger White Wall

The Slick Back

By: Quadbuck Naked

There’s nothing quite like a five finger white wall with a two on top, better known as a fish cut. With this haircut, there’s no doubt that you are the bottom of the totem pole, the punching bag of the Corps. You went from high school hero to zero faster than you could drop down and do twenty push-ups. If you have this haircut, odds are you are either falling asleep in class or having a daily internal debate on whether all this suffering will be worth it. Probably both.

The Chia Pet This haircut looks inconspicuous when your bider is on, but take it off to reveal an out-of-regulation cut on top that knows how to party and doesn’t care about discipline. Only for the boldest of cadets, this hairstyle is sure to cause a scene. This haircut lets everyone around you know you don’t care about the Corps anymore. It’s definitely been three or four weeks since you’ve gotten a haircut, but who’s counting anyway? Definitely not you. Only white belts or really burnt out pissheads sport this cut.

The Hard Part Reserved for the Corps Elite, this haircut says it all. Though it was banned by the Commandant several years ago for not looking “military” enough, it has rebounded back harder than the Aggies after hiring Jimbo Fisher. You are definitely in a leadership position or involved off the Quad if you’re rocking this bootchaser favorite.

The Bob Cut

Wags sporting this hairstyle are sending a clear message that they’re the alphas. You have more important things to do than spending twenty minutes every morning putting your hair in a bun,. If you’re a true Corps baddie, you’re definitely rocking this hairstyle.

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CAMPUS VOICES

A recent survey at Texas A&M University found that many students are struggling to get a second date. What advice would you give to secure that elusive second date?

“Taking my dates to the Slocum Nutrition Center has worked well for me. Even if whoever I’m bringing isn’t super into me, it’s hard to turn down access to a Michelin star-quality meal, all on the athletic department’s tab, of course.” Shauna Rogers Midfielder for Aggie Women’s Soccer

“I always make sure to show off my American Express gold card, usually by making a show of asking if they accept Amex at this location. Of course, I got approved for it off my parent’s credit, but my date will never know that.”

Darnell Green

Business Honors & Supply Chain Major

“Showering before the first date has proven to be pretty helpful for me. Deodorant can be a nice touch as well, if you’re really trying to dazzle.”

Aaron Jacobs

Computer Science Major

“Ever since I got my boots, wearing my full Class B uniform at all times has really improved my dating life. I might just be attracting boot chasers, but that’s better than nothing.”

William Graham Senior in the Corps of Cadets

“There was so much pressure for my co-chair and I to date that I think we both were too scared to call it quits, even though there wasn’t much of a love connection. It required a lot of effort and some top notch acting to make it seem like we were seriously dating, but at least this way we were able to save face in front of our counselors.”

Lacey Owens

Fish Camp Chairperson www.mugdown.com September 2021

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