Mums At The Table - June 2019

THE TECH ISSUE REAL WOMEN | REAL CONVERSATIONS | REAL ISSUES

JUNE 2019

MAKE TECH WORK

FOR YOU

common sense PARENTING

KIDS & SCREENTIME:

no prob le m!

AS SEEN ON NEW ZEALAND

Your magazine is complimentary and made possible by the generous support of your Mums At The Table community.

contents

JUNE 2019

just for you

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6 BUSY FAMILY LIFE? NO SWEAT!

The apps and hacks to help you get your family organised.

11 BIBS & BOBS

Latest parenting-related news and information.

22 FIVE SIMPLE WAYS TO MAKE TECHNOLOGY WORK FOR YOU

parenting

8

CATCH US ON

NEW ZEALAND

18 10

PANELLISTS Fiona, Rachel, Julie, Shona, Melody, Rachel and Maryellen

8 COMMON SENSE PARENTING

How science is supporting traditional methods of parenting.

14 GIVING HER ALL

What one mum learned from giving her daughter everything.

18 SCREENTIME FOR KIDS

Why it doesn’t need to be discouraged.

26 IF YOU CAN’T BEAT THEM, JOIN THEM

How to ensure your children have a safe online experience.

30 WELLBEING WITH COLLETT Talking about porn.

32 BOOK CORNER

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food & wellbeing

12 ASK THE EXPERTS 24 COOKING WITH GIA & OLIVE

Sweet potato brownies; lunch box bliss balls; vegetarian rolls; golden milk mix.

34 OUTER ORDER, INNER CALM

Smartphone decluttering.

discuss a range of topics, including current events, issues and family life.

PLUS nutrition advice and awesome hacks to succeed in #mumlife!

find us on social media

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EDITOR Melody Tan

ADVERTISING ENQURIES editorial@MumsAtTheTable.com

VOLUME 3 NUMBER 6 The Tech Issue

COPYEDITOR Tracey Bridcutt

SEND ALL LETTERS AND SUBMISSIONS TO: Mums At The Table magazine PO Box 1115, Wahroonga, NSW 2076 or editorial@MumsAtTheTable.com

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e r ' u o Y

from the

O

editor

june

ne of my mother-in-law’s favourite things to exclaim with regards to Elliott is, “That little finger!” as he artfully swipes, pinches and taps on her mobile phone.

I will be honest. It’s much to my dismay and horror to discover just how “techy” my almost three-year-old is (and has been for the best part of a year)—the boy actually knows how to access the photo gallery app from the home page of a mobile phone screen! The first time I discovered he could do that, I was impressed but also equally felt like I’d failed him as a parent somehow.

Screentime for children is such a murky area of parenting. Before I became a mum, I promised myself that my child would not know the existence of a screen until . . . well, I didn’t have an age in mind, but I thought I could perhaps shield him for at least the first three years of his life!

I failed to take into account just how pervasive technology is and—as Professor Christine Bennett, paediatrician and dean of the School of Medicine at The University of Notre Dame Australia, pointed out to me in my interview with her—how much children copy our own actions and behaviour (see page 8, “Common Sense Parenting”).

To prove the point, Elliott pretty much ignores the television set in our living room because he has virtually never seen us watching TV, but instead gets excited if I pull my laptop out because he thinks it means he gets to “watch something”.

I try to limit his screentime and struggle to shake off this nagging feeling that I’m not doing him any favours when he scrolls through photos or watches a cartoon. I watch over what he does like a hawk and have to stop myself from prising the screen away from him after five seconds. Any screentime is evil, was my thought.

But is it really? Digital health and wellbeing expert Dr Kristy Goodwin doesn’t think so (see page 18, “Screentime for Kids: Why It Doesn’t Need to be Discouraged”). I would urge you to read her article because if you, like me, struggle with what Dr Kristy calls “techno-guilt”, her piece will help you feel so much better.

Keep up the good work, mama. You’re doing a wonderful job.

Thanks to the partnership and support of generous mums like you, the Mums At The Table community is able to encourage and support mums all across Australia and New Zealand through their parenting journey. You can help inspire other mums too, go to mumsatthetable.com/donate.

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Letter of the Month

FREEPIK.COM

Melody

g m n i o r t hers! e w e mpo

Thank you for your wonderful magazine. Everyone who reads it loves it and we are all amazed at the high standard you have been able to constantly produce. It is keeping things real, which is what all mums love and want. I run a playgroup and would like to give all the mums a copy. I hope one day your team can have an event here, like I see you do in Sydney. Providing community is so important and this . . . method is so accessible to everyone.

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I have for the first time seen your splendid and helpful magazine. It was the September 2018 issue, left in a train. Would you please post me the monthly copy? I will be sure to pass it on.

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Drop us a line and win a gift!

What did we get right? What can we do better? What are the conversations you're having? What are the issues you're facing? The author of our letter of the month wins a free copy of The Nude Nutritionist, by Lyndi Cohen, featured in our May issue. Write to us at editorial@MumsAtTheTable.com.

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Busy

GIVEAWA

Y

One annu a to the Life l subscription S orted a us in 25 w ords or le pp. Tell ss need to g et your life why you so Most crea tive entry rted! wins.

Enter a MumsAtT t www. heT LifeSorted able.com/ Giveaway

FAMILY LIFE?

No sweat !

Google Home (for organisation) The Google Home app requires you to have the Google Home device. It’s minimalistic design fits well in my recently de-cluttered living room! To activate this wonder of a machine, simply utter the two magic words, “Hey Google!” followed by your request.

You can frequently see me in the morning shouting, “Hey Google, how long is the commute to work?” (I never run late, I swear!)

Life Sorted (shared family calendar app) Life Sorted helps you organise your hectic family life so you can spend less time organising and more time doing the things you love with your family! The combined calendar is a standout feature in my eyes, as it allows you to see what every family member is up to at any given time (or even turn a blind eye to your teenager’s social life by momentarily choosing not to integrate it into your calendar).

Jo Burgess

THE 4D FRAMEWORK TO COMBAT BRAIN CLUTTER

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GET THE KIDS INVOLVED

EMBRACE TECHNOLOGY

How many mornings have you walked around your kitchen or living room chanting like a crazed woman to your family a list of things to do? Shoes. Teeth. Rugby bag. Lunch. Car. Now! Too many to count, right?

If you want to raise independent children who take control of their own schedule, get them involved now. During the teenage years, a child’s need for responsibility and autonomy becomes more apparent. However, it’s never too early to start including children in family discussions about upcoming household routines and family holidays, and encouraging ownership of their own goals.

We have a designated family meeting time, usually after dinner (that’s scheduled into my Life Sorted app), so we’re all on the same page with what’s going on.

There’s no denying that I’m a total tech nerd at heart. I wear so many different hats during the day and technology helps me get the job done. As an app creator myself, I sure can appreciate a good one when I see it.

I absolutely could not live without my organisation and productivity apps. They keep me sane and feeling in control of my crazy-busy life. My top three are: Calm (for relaxation and productivity) Calm is an amazing app that will help you regain order amongst the chaos of daily life. This app will teach you how to restore your sleeping patterns. I can assure you since downloading this app I have experienced the best sleeps and have been feeling more energised during the day!

DGLIMAGES—GETTY IMAGES

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t’s common to feel lost and powerless in the vortex of busy family life. In between juggling work, running a household, driving the kids all over town and generally being the CEO of the family, it’s no wonder you don’t have time to think about self-care, let alone sit and have that hot beverage that’s probably now cold!

As a mother of two teenage children, a wife and a business owner, I’ve learnt a thing or two about organising my hectic family life. In fact, I was so sick of spending precious family time planning family time that I created Life Sorted, a shared family calendar app to reduce stress and streamline and simplify my busy family life.

When it comes to organising my hectic family life, there are a number of tools in my kit that I’ve acquired over the years. But my favourite tools are always the simplest:

Your brain is like an email inbox, constantly receiving messages and the information input can be overwhelming. I created this simple system as a way to organise your thoughts and give you the time you need to process each event, activity or appointment as it occurs.

As a new project, appointment or event enters your brain’s inbox, file it immediately by choosing one of these four options: 1. Do it. Priority one! Knock it over straight away. These are the events you can (or need) to do on the spot. Tick those babies off your list and move on.

2. Delegate it. Give it to someone else to do. Seriously. As parents, we can often take on too much! If your partner, child or friend can handle this, take a big breath and pass it on.

3. Defer it. Do it another day. If it doesn’t need to be done immediately, schedule it into your calendar for a future date so you can deal with it then. Simple.

4. Ditch it. Delete, dismiss or discard it. This one is selfexplanatory and my favourite option of all. If it isn’t relevant, straight to trash!

Jo Burgess is the creator of Life Sorted, the highest-rated family organiser on the app stores. As a busy mother of two, a business owner and an aspiring minimalist, Jo shares her secrets for a simplified, streamlined and stress-free life on her blog. Lifesorted.com.

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COMMON SENSE PARENTING

fundamental things that we can do in our day-to-day living that will give children the best prospects for a long, healthy and fulfilling life.”

Epigenetics, neural plasticity, positive psychology, the gut microbiome and social science were the five emerging areas of science that Professor Christine and her team agreed they should focus their research on.

In a nutshell, Professor Christine’s scientific research showed the following:

•

Science is beginning to back up what we’ve traditionally believed to be the secret to raising happy, healthy children.

R

eading to our children before bedtime, kicking a ball with them, giving them nutritious food and making sure they have enough sleep are some of the common activities that bind us all as parents. In one form or another, our parents’ parents did it with them, our parents did it with us and today, we do it with our children.

“The epiphany if you like, was discovering that what seems to be common sense parenting is actually supported by science,” says Professor Christine Bennett, paediatrician and dean of the School of Medicine at The University of Notre Dame Australia. “What we intuitively know feels good to us is in fact good for our children.”

Professor Christine is referring to her research, which led to

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the Little People, Big Lives Report: Foundations for healthy Australian children in the 21st century. For about a year, Professor Christine and her team pored over more than 500 recent journal articles, studies and reports, to investigate the most current evolving area of science when it relates to raising children, and the priorities they felt were areas of actions that parents should take.

The study was commissioned by the Sanitarium Health Food Company, who wanted “to help empower parents in making the best decisions around wholistic health and wellness in their kids’ everyday lives”.

“Sanitarium was keen to explore what the current research and advice was for parents because they felt information for parents

XAVIERARNAU—GETTY IMAGES

Melody Tan

can be very complicated and sometimes confusing. They asked us to have a look at what the current science and the best advice was for parents to give their children a good start in life,” says Professor Christine.

Independently, Professor Christine and her colleagues came up with the same five areas that would give children a healthy start to life. She is quick to add, however, that “there are other things that are important in a child’s life, such as early childhood education, or having your children learn musical instruments or another language, or take time in creative activities such as art and performance dancing.

“What we were looking at were the scientific, evidence-based,

Our social and physical environment has a direct impact on us and our DNA • The brain continues to develop new functions until 23 or 24 years of age, when the decision-making and complex brain functions are finally formed • Focusing on a child’s strengths and guiding them positively has a positive impact (the reverse is true: a difficult early start in life can have a negative impact) • The bacteria that lives in our gut can impact our health • Connecting with others and being surrounded by community is the strongest predictive factor for a long life While the above list may sound like a mouthful and seem rather complicated, the resulting five areas of actions for parents, as presented in the Little People: Big Lives Report, is anything but.

Professor Christine and her team’s five recommended areas of action for child development and giving children the best possible health and wellbeing are: • Safety, security, love and belonging (achieved through activities such as playing together, singing and sharing stories) • Healthy eating and drinking • Active play • Healthy sleep • Positive screentime The links between the scientific focus and parental action may not be clear at first, but Professor Christine explains it this way.

“Reading to your children at night, playing with them, laughing with them, having them outside, eating meals together . . . we’ve always known was good for our children and an important part of parenting. “[Now] the science actually says it can improve the way your child’s brain grows and your child’s development on a cellular level.

It can improve your gut microbiome, it will be a positive experience for your child, creating great mental wellbeing and resilience, and results in great social connectedness.

“It’s how all those things combine together and make so much sense that I hope mums out there will see as empowering, almost giving them permission in their very busy lives to do some of the things that we have always felt were important but maybe we thought they were a lower level of importance than some other things. Now [thanks to science] we know that [they have] a very high level of importance.”

For most parents, however, what isn’t immediately intuitive is how to manage screentime. Digital natives is the term used to describe an entire generation of children growing up with the internet, computers and smartphones as part of their lives. With

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AND WHAT IT MEANS PR ACT ICALLY

five children aged between 19 and 30, Professor Christine herself personally experienced this transformation in parenting, “where [digital technology] didn’t even exist to where now it’s a sometimes dominating part of life”.

She points out, however, that while we may not be able to turn to our parents for advice when it comes to the actual use of the internet, there has been a sort of precedent some 60 years ago, in the form of the television. The difference, of course, is that technology is much more a part of life now than television ever was.

“The internet is just part of who we are now, it is part of community, part of the structure, fabric and global connectedness. So in that context, we have to prepare our children and to guide our children for that,” she says.

Not all screentime is evil and Professor Christine is quick to remind us of how technology does enrich all our lives. (“You just have to have the internet go down or lose your phone to know how your life turns upside-down without it.”)

“It’s just a matter of balance, because time spent on a screen is time not doing something else. Technology helps us to have a better and enriched life, but we don’t want it to dominate or rule our lives.”

And, as with almost anything parenting-related, a healthy and positive screentime experience starts with us being able to turn our screens off.

“The most important thing that you can do for your child is modelling,” Professor Christine says. “Children pick up everything.

From your body language, your verbal language to your habits.

Even if they are a cranky teenager who is arguing with you, I promise you they are very likely to mimic you and model you. I’m not putting pressure on people, but you’re really preparing young people for life; preparing them with the ability to turn the phone and the screen off.”

A reassuring thought from Professor Christine’s research lies in the area of neural plasticity, where it has been proven the brain continues to develop well past the teenage years. Essentially, what this means is that it’s not too late for parents to introduce new, healthy habits.

Most importantly, the results from the Little People, Big Lives Report are not about creating yet another checklist of things that parents have to do. As Professor Christine herself suggests, it’s more to encourage parents that while it may seem simple and basic, the common sense parenting habits that many of us already have are indeed backed by science. It’s simply about intentionally incorporating them into our day-to-day lives.

GO TO OUR WEBSITE TO DOWNLOAD THE FULL LITTLE PEOPLE, BIG LIVES REPORT.

Melody Tan is editor of Mums At The Table magazine and a regular panellist on Mums At The Table TV show. She lives in Sydney with her husband and son.

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1. Safety, security, love and belonging • Notice an achievement • Share news with each other, read to each other, sing with each other • Use language that expresses warmth and positive feelings • Play a game together

2. Healthy eating and drinking • Schedule unrushed family meals that are “electronicfree” zones • Replace high-kilojoule snacks with fruit and vegetables • Replace soft drinks with water • Let vegetables make up most of your meals

3. Active play • Regularly go outside to your local playground, park or bushland • Walk, ride or scooter to school (or to the shops) as part of your daily routine • Join local activity groups or sports teams you have an interest in

BIBS & BOBS GREEN SPACE FOR GOOD MENTAL HEALTH

An Aarhus University (Denmark) study of more than a million people has found that children who grew up with the lowest levels of green space—parks, gardens and sports fields—had up to a 55 per cent higher risk of developing a psychiatric disorder. The risk of developing a mental disorder decreases incrementally the longer a child has been surrounded by green space from birth and up to the age of 10.—The New Daily

AUGMENTED REALITY TRAIL Fans of children’s book The Gruffalo can now journey through the deep dark wood and meet their favourite characters with a new augmented reality app. The Gruffalo Spotters Trail app experience will come to life for the first time in Australia at the National Trust Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary in Queensalnd. The event celebrates the twentieth anniversary of the much-loved children’s classic.—Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary

EXCUSES, EXCUSES Your five-year-old will say to you: “I didn’t open the packet of chocolate Dad. There was a hole already in the packet and then it just got bigger.”—David Riley, reverentialramblings.com

EGGSHELL AS SEEDLING CONTAINERS

• Remove all electronic devices from bedrooms • Set bed times and wake up times • Keep the bedroom dark, quiet and at a comfortable temperature • Create rituals to help prepare the body for sleep

5. Positive screentime • Have clear rules for screen times • Plan offline activities to ensure balance • Locate devices in a shared or visible space

FREE PRINTAB LE “SCREEN TIME PLA N” AVAILAB LE FOR DOWNLO AD MumsAtT heTable.c om /freestuff

To make deeper containers, crack the eggs on the pointy end (rather than in the middle), rinse the shells, fill with quality seedling mix and sow your seeds. Keep the soil moist but not wet. When your seedlings are ready, crack a hole in the bottom of each egg shell to expose the roots and pop your plants into your garden.

—@simplylivingourlife SPRITUALITY

NEWS

FUN & FAITH Practising Christians who intentionally cultivate a spiritual environment in their household are simply intentional about family life to begin with. Spiritually vibrant households are generally committed to togetherness and play.

Household members often get together for activities such as games, singing, reading books or playing sports. They share meals as well as their feelings on almost a daily basis.—Barna

Flinders University’s paediatric sleep expert, Professor Michael Gradisar, along with clinical psychologist, Rachel Hiller, have released a new book that provides parents with step-bystep treatments for childhood sleep problems. Helping Your Child with Sleep Problems: A Self-Help Guide for Parents puts research-supported techniques into the home environment, designed to help children aged 5–12 years.—Flinders University

CURE FOR LEUKAEMIA?

OWLEGORIES

4. Healthy sleep

SOLVING CHILDREN’S SLEEP PROBLEMS

Thomas Boto, creator of animated series Owlegories, hopes to teach kids about God through the amazing things found in nature and revealed in God’s Word.

All 18 episodes are available on the Story Together platform, along with free colouring-in and origami sheets.— hellostorytogether.com/series/owlegories APPS

HOME

ETHICAL FASHION GUIDE APP

Children raised in “super-clean homes” (where antiseptic wipes, antibacterial soaps and disinfected floor washes are the norm) have improperly primed immune systems, which makes them susceptible to chronic inflammation. This in turn changes their susceptibility to leukaemia so that it is transformed into the full-blown condition. Newly-knighted cancer scientist Professor Mel Greaves believes a yoghurt-like drink that works on the bacteria, viruses and other microbes that live in the human gut can help stop children from developing leukaemia.—The Guardian TV

OVERHEARD

The free 2019 Ethical Fashion Guide is now available as a download or an app. End sweatshops and worker exploitations by using the guide to buy clothes from the companies doing more to protect their workers. They’ve even made it easy for individuals to share social media posts about different companies or to send them a message about their actions. Included are seven practical ways you can become a more ethical shopper.—Baptist World Aid

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VECTEEZY, JESSICA TO'OTO'O, ANNIE SPRATT—UNSPLASH, DANIELA DIMITROVA—PIXABAY

ION

THE FIVE AREAS OF ACT

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e h t k as experts

Q People say I don’t have to pay as much attention to my child’s milk teeth because they’re going to fall out anyway. Is this true?

Alisa, via email

OUR PANEL

NEIL GINSBERG PAEDIATRICIAN SYDNEY ADVENTIST HOSPITAL

TRISH GUY KAREN HOLFORD ANDREW DARON PRATT NUTRITIONIST FAMILY COUNSELLOR PENNINGTON KIDS' CHAPLAIN SANITARIUM HEALTH HEARTWORDS GP SEVENTH-DAY & WELLBEING SANCTUARY LIFESTYLE ADVENTIST CHURCH CLINIC

PETER WOOD OBSTETRICIANGYNAECOLOGIST SYDNEY ADVENTIST HOSPITAL

Q My normally happy baby is crying and quite fussy lately and I’ve had a friend suggest to me that she may be suffering from reflux. What is that? Sophie, via email Gastro-oesophageal reflux, also known as acid reflux and acid indigestion, is the baby equivalent of heartburn. As the immature lower oesophageal sphincter valve at the top of a baby’s stomach is unreliable, it allows acidic fluid from the stomach to regurgitate back into the oesophagus, causing heartburn and other potential problems.

Symptoms of reflux include vomiting (can be projectile), erratic feeding (refusing feeds or constantly feeding), fussing after eating, excessive drooling, wet hiccups or wet burps, throaty noises, sour breath, constant swallowing and poor weight gain.

These symptoms usually emerge at two to four weeks of age, peak at four months and start to subside from seven months onwards (though it can continue into childhood and even adulthood).

Reflux can get misdiagnosed as colic, cow’s milk protein allergy or lactose intolerance.

If your baby’s reflux symptoms are severe and are interfering with their growth development or causing respiration problems, seek professional advice to rule out gastro-oesophageal reflux disease.

Gastro-oesophageal reflux disease is typically diagnosed from bloody vomits (from the ulcerated oesophagus) and can be nasty and awfully unpleasant for the infant—who will be letting you know that, in no uncertain terms! —Kathy

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JOFFI—PIXABAY, WEBSUBSTANCE, VALERIY_G—GETTY IMAGES

KATHY FRAY MATERNITY EXPERT KATHYFRAY.COM

Kids’ teeth fall out, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t important. There are many things that milk teeth tell us about your child’s health. This includes tooth decay, which is a sign of nutrient deficiency (think vitamin D, A and K2, all of which manage bones and the immune system). It might also show bacterial imbalance in the child’s mouth, which in turn communicates with the child’s gut bacteria, a critical piece in a child’s health.

Kids’ teeth can also impact on bite and jaw growth. While adult teeth don’t start coming in until children are five or six years old, they need a lot of space during the early periods of development.

Mouth-breathing can slow down the growth of the upper and lower jaw. A child who snores, grinds their teeth or doesn’t sleep well may be mouth-breathing, putting them at risk of sleep apnoea, which is becoming more prevalent in kids today.

Sucking habits such as dummies and finger-sucking can leave an open bite.

If a child is averse to solid foods, it might mean they don’t swallow well. It often relates to the tongue’s connection to the roof of the mouth, which guides the growth of the jaw.

—Guest expert: Steven Lin, Dentist, Luminous Dentistry

Q When should my daughter start having a pap smear test? Some people have told me only after she has become sexually active while others have said when she hits puberty. Kylie, via our website Most cases of cervical cancer are associated with a virus called human papillomavirus (HPV).

Due to the successful uptake of the vaccine in Australia, there are reduced HPV infections in the younger population. Since December 2017, the recommendation is for pap tests every five years from 25 years onwards, unless she is having unusual vaginal bleeding symptoms. —Peter

June 2019

SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION TO OUR PANEL OF EXPERTS Write to us at:

editorial@Mums AtTheTable.com THE INFORMATION PROVIDED IS GENERAL IN NATURE AND DOES NOT TAKE INTO ACCOUNT YOUR PERSONAL SITUATION. YOU SHOULD CONSIDER WHETHER THE INFORMATION IS APPROPRIATE TO YOUR NEEDS, AND WHERE APPROPRIATE, SEEK PROFESSIONAL ADVICE.

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g n i v i G

Surviving domestic violence and single-parenting, Ariana Clark (pictured, left) reflects on the regrets and joys of raising her now six-year-old daughter.

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have two beautiful children, Scarlet, aged six, and Jayden, who is four months old.

I remember back in 2013, when I first had my daughter, thinking how beautiful she was, how I wanted to teach her everything I possibly could and more, and how I wanted to give her the world—she is my world!

I would buy her all the latest toys, such as Shopkins, Barbie dolls and American Girl dolls, give her plenty of clothes, and bring her on plenty of outings. There were zoo trips up and down the North Island of New Zealand (where we live) and I would give her anything she ever asked or what I thought would be a great experience.

Sometimes when there was only a little bit of money left over, I would go without so that she could have it all. She was such a happy, lovely girl (and don’t get me wrong, she still is at times).

I wanted her upbringing to be completely different to my own: not having everything or struggling. Also, her father and I had a toxic relationship. He was always very verbal and loud, and would smash things in anger. I had to call the police on numerous occasions.

I stayed, thinking Scarlet needed to have both a mum and a dad to raise her.

But things escalated towards Scarlet.

There was name-calling and he never controlled himself around Scarlet—there was never any fear on his behalf if she was around or not.

I often regretted staying for five years, putting up with it, as it affected us both in such a dramatic way. I still struggle now with communication and conflict.

Domestic violence has been a part of my life for so long, it has become the norm. Looking back now, maybe that’s why I let Scarlet have everything.

After her father and I spilt, Scarlet struggled with anxiety, sleeping and loud noises. It took more than a year for her to settle. Now that she’s six—sometimes going on 16—I wonder to myself why I wasn’t tougher on certain things such as bedtimes, saying no and giving her more boundaries.

I’m struggling more now than I ever thought I would! Sometimes, it’s 10 pm before she’s asleep. I struggle with her attitude— swearing, backchatting and so many things that I didn’t even think of while trying to give her everything else.

I realise I did give her everything she ever needed or wanted, but, I’m not ashamed to say, I missed the boat on a few must-have rules and guidelines.

I have always tried to be open and honest with her, wanting her to know the truth about her parents as much as possible. But issues between her and her father keep coming back. I know she needs to still have a relationship with him, but even letting her see or talk to him can mean days, or even weeks of problems, which could be a whole new story on its own.

I am definitely not afraid to ask for help, but I do find it really hard to change routines or habits. I often forget about or give in without thinking, when it comes to groundings or loss of privileges.

There are so many things that I feel I fail at on a daily basis, but I carry on to help my daughter become the best, amazing girl I know she will one day grow up to be. Realising also that I’m not helping her learn, and instead of me being overwhelmed with her not listening and the many other issues we face, we are now attending a parenting class.

I have remarried, and without the love and support of my

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WIN CHILDREN'S BOOKS!

Submit a personal story on your parenting journey, thoughts or experience and if we use your story, we’ll send you a selection of books featured on our book corner page (see page 32)! Write to us at editorial@MumsAtTheTable.com

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I may have struggled in lots of areas but I definitely have raised an amazingly caring and loving person.

Holding onto anger is like swallowing a poison pill and hoping the other

If you or someone you know needs help, contact:

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SUPPORT 1800 737 732 AUSTRALIA

0800 456 450 NEW ZEALAND

• Hit, kick and do other things that hurt your body • Touch you in ways or places you don’t want to be touched • Force you to have sex or do sexual things • Say and do things that make you feel scared or unsafe • Take your money or use money to make your life hard • Damage walls, parts of your home or your things • Tell you they will hurt you, your children, your pets or people you care about • Say they will hurt themselves if you try to leave • Share private photos or videos of you online without your permission • Stop you from following your religion or cultural practices • Cut you off from friends or family • Make looking after a baby hard by not letting you feed or settle your baby • Scare you by following you, harassing you or refusing to leave you alone • Use the legal system to bully or intimidate you • Stop you from making decisions about whether or not to have a baby, or other reproductive issues • Stop you from having medicine you need or from seeing a doctor • Give you medicine you don't need or more medicine than you need These are only some things that domestic and family violence may involve. There are many others. If anyone is making you feel scared, worried or unsafe, it is OK to ask for help.

Source: 1800respect

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Ariana Clark loves spending time with her kids and exploring the New Zealand outback by four-wheel drive. She enjoys dancing, music, trying crafts and baking.

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husband now, things would possibly have stayed the same and I wouldn’t have the strength to make the changes I needed to make.

So now with two kids and an amazing dad to them both, we attend an incredible program to help us find new ways to deal with things, and also still let Scarlet have the things she needs and wants.

So far, it’s all about child-directed play, letting the child lead the way, no time-outs or harsh punishments. It’s about ignoring the bad stuff and encouraging play at their pace, with positive and non-questions-based feedback. I’ve already seen so much improvement.

Scarlet has also started Highland dancing and is learning to play the practice chanter, which she loves so much because her stepdad can play the bagpipes. She can’t wait to be able to share the love with him. She has plenty of support and good things to focus on! The journey to school now is also much less painful and less chaotic.

Scarlet’s an amazing big sister, helpful and caring, and loves Jayden to pieces! Sometimes, it’s a little over-the-top, but all in all, amazing. I’ve enjoyed seeing her growing in her love for her brother, to see how loving and caring she can be towards him.

Seeing how she can be having a bad day, but her brother cheers her up and keeps her at peace.

I may have struggled in lots of areas but I definitely have raised an amazingly caring and loving person.

person dies.

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SCREENTIME FOR KIDS: Why it doesn’t need to be discouraged My children have screentime and I’m OK with it.

W

hen talking to fellow mums in seminars or at soccer training, I’ve noticed so many of them suffering from what I call “techno-guilt”: the pangs of guilt experienced when we hand over the iPad or gaming console, or when we let our kids watch another clip on YouTube.

There are several reasons why so many mums suffer from (unnecessary) techno-guilt. First, we are the first generation of parents navigating the digital terrain with our kids and we therefore have no frame of reference. Today’s kids often learn to tap, swipe and pinch before they’ve learnt to ride a bike or grip a pencil. This is very different to the analogue childhoods we experienced.

Most of us spent our childhoods unplugged and staring at the sky, not a screen. So our natural tendency is to worry about a childhood filled with screentime, because it’s very different to the childhood we experienced. We assume that because it’s different, it must be “bad” for them. That’s simply not the case.

The second reason we’re plagued with techno-guilt is because

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we’re bombarded by news reports and headlines that claim screentime is toxic and harmful for kids. Headlines that suggest screens are akin to “digital cocaine” (such as “Giving your child a smartphone is like giving them a gram of cocaine, says top addiction expert”) are misleading and cause unnecessary moral panic. We have blog posts and social media posts that (ironically) perpetuate these neuro-myths about kids, teens and screens.

As a researcher in this field, I want to assure you that this is not what the neuroscience tells us at this point in time. These headlines are inflammatory, incite parental panic and over-inflate the research findings or misrepresent what the statistics and data actually reveal. (Most of the research that we have with kids, teens and screens doesn’t prove causation. Most of the studies available at present show a correlation between screens and adverse development and health impacts. This is very different to research that “proves” that technology is the cause of these issues).

Sadly, studies showing the positive impact of technology and its effect on kids and teens is often overlooked by the media and

PEOPLEIMAGES—GETTY IMAGES

Dr Kristy Goodwin

doesn’t make for good clickbait. So it’s little wonder that mums are left riddled with techno-guilt.

Technology is neither “good” nor “bad”. It really depends on how frequently it’s used and the context in which it’s being used (what are they doing on screens, when, where, how and with whom are they using technology). Rather than focusing exclusively on how much time kids are spending online, we need to have a much more nuanced conversation, beyond simply asking whether screentime is “bad” for kids.

There’s no denying research confirms that excessive screentime can compromise kids’ and teens’ health and wellbeing. For example, studies consistently show that “too much” screentime can adversely impact on kids’ and teens’ sleep, physical movement levels, language and social skills, as well as their fine and gross motor skills.

It’s a simple opportunity cost—if kids are spending too much time with pixels, it limits the available time they have to meet their essential developmental priorities.

We also know that prematurely dunking kids in the digital

stream (such as handing your smartphone over to your toddler every single time they throw a tantrum or declare that they’re bored, or allowing your tween to have an Instagram account before they’re 13 years of age) can be detrimental to their ongoing development and wellbeing.

The neuroscience confirms that young children can’t learn from screens until they’re somewhere between 18 and 36 months of age, as their brain can’t translate what’s on a 2D screen and match it to the 3D world. We also know that social media places incredible demands on young people. Introducing them to it too early can place them at unnecessary risks and may adversely impact their mental health.

However, we also have research that confirms that technology can support, not stifle, kids’ learning and wellbeing. When technology is used in moderation, if it’s age appropriate and used in intentional ways with firm boundaries, it can be helpful. Equally, if it’s used excessively or they’re playing games or apps that aren’t age-appropriate, or if they’re using devices before sleep time, then screentime can be harmful.

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Parents need to establish boundaries around what, when, where and how their kids use screens . . .

screen displaces opportunities for language and social interaction, and screen use with meals has been shown to promote mindless eating in children), play areas, bathrooms and cars (for short trips) as tech-free spaces. This helps to ensure kids’ and teens’ online safety (kids are very unlikely to be chatting to an online predator or sending nude photos when they’re snuggled up next to you on the lounge) and alleviates the pangs of guilt parents feel when they hand over the gaming console or touchscreen device.

5. HOW Research confirms that we’re seeing increasing rates of children and adolescents presenting with myopia (near-sightedness), musculoskeletal issues (such as “tech neck” or “gaming thumb”) and the risk of noise-induced hearing loss (from wearing ear-bud headphones that exceed recommended decibel levels for children). If parents help their children use digital devices in ergonomic and healthy ways, this can appease some of the guilt that’s often associated with handing over technology.

As mums, we need to stop obsessing over how much time our kids are plugged in to devices or worrying that we’re doing our kids a disservice by handing over devices. Instead, we need to help our kids develop healthy technology habits.

Whether you love it or loathe it, the reality is that your kids and teens will inherit a digital future, so they need to learn how to use technology in sustainable and supportive ways. Banning devices or limiting their access won’t allow them to develop these fundamental skills.

In my parent seminars, I encourage parents to be the pilot and not the passenger of the digital plane. As the pilot, parents need to establish firm, consistent boundaries about how much time their kids spend with digital devices, but they also need to consider other essential questions that go beyond simply using time as the only metric. Parents need to establish boundaries around what, when, where and how their kids use screens, to ensure that their digital habits are healthy and not harmful. And in doing so, they can put an end to their guilt.

1. HOW MUCH We do have government guidelines regarding recommended amounts of screentime. While it’s critical that parents enforce limits around how much time children and teens spend with devices (especially if it’s impacting on their sleep, social, and language and motor skills), what’s more important is to consider the displacement effect. If their basic developmental needs are being met, then we can allow screentime and not be riddled with techno-guilt—the time they’re having with technology isn’t interfering with their basic developmental needs.

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2. WHAT

Technology is a wonderful tool that can support our kids’ learning, wellbeing and health. Technology isn’t toxic and it

The use of high quality, educational digital content has been shown to support kids’ and teens’ learning. There is a wealth of developmentally-appropriate learning apps, TV shows, games (yes, gaming can be a brilliant learning platform), programs and interactive toys that have been specifically designed to foster kids’ learning and development.

The Office of the eSafety Commissioner’s iParent portal, Common Sense Media and the Australian Council on Children and the Media offer reviews of apps, TV programs, games and movie content suitable for children and teens. Ensuring your child has access to age-appropriate digital content can help parents ditch the techno-guilt.

3. WHEN Establishing boundaries around when screens can be used is vital. The 60–90 minutes before sleep time (or nap time if you still have a little one) should be screen-free, as the blue light emitted from tablet devices and smartphones delays the onset of sleep because the body can’t produce sufficient melatonin, the sleep hormone.

Before bedtime, audio books or music are much better alternatives. Rapid-fire, fast-paced screen action should also be avoided before childcare or school, as it overloads the sensory and nervous systems, making it difficult for students to pay attention in class. If parents enforce boundaries around when their kids can access screens, we can drop the guilt.

4. WHERE Identifying no-go tech zones in your house from a young age is critical if we want to help our kids develop healthy technology habits. I recommend bedrooms, meal areas (eating in front of a

FREEPIK.COM, SKYNESHER—GETTY IMAGES

FIVE THINGS MUMS CAN FOCUS ON TO ERADICATE TECHNO-GUILT

shouldn’t be taboo. We need to teach our tech-savvy kids how to tame their tech habits, so they can leverage the benefits. And the best way to do this is to allow our kids to actually have screentime.

Dr Kristy Goodwin is a digital wellbeing and productivity speaker, researcher and author of Raising Your Child in a Digital World. She is also mum to three boys (and yes, they do throw techno-tantrums).

Drkristygoodwin.com

simple ways to make

Y G O L O N TECH

WORK FOR YOU Megan Jaworski

Only follow people who inspire you or add value to your life.

Unfollow or de-friend anyone who is negative, increases your anxiety or judges you. How you feel while using social media will impact how you respond to your family, situations and events once you’re off social media. So be selective and have firm boundaries around this.

HAVE SPECIFIC TIME ALLOCATION Ever gone to check Facebook for five minutes and half-an-hour later you’re still on? Well, one way to ensure that you don’t waste hours using technology is to set a timer on your phone for how long you want to spend on it. Once the timer goes off, you get off!

Also, have specific times or moments of the day when you want to use technology, and stick to them.

AURIELAKI—GETTY IMAGES

HAVE A SPECIFIC PURPOSE

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Do you want to feel inspired? Be educated on a topic? Connect with friends? Have a laugh? Use technology for work? Reply to a message or phone call? Know what your purpose is and use the technology for that. Otherwise it’s so easy to get lost down the rabbit hole. Stick to your purpose and then get off!

STAY CONNECTED Connect with people who inspire you, your friends or those you want to network with. Send them a message to catch up in person,

comment on their photos, give advice on a post or give them a call!

Don’t assume that the photos and captions your friends post are reflections of what they’re experiencing in real life. Connect with people to see what’s going on behind the highlights reel.

HELP OTHERS The great thing about technology is that we can stay up-todate with global issues or the personal needs of our friends.

And giving has never been easier. With GoFundMe campaigns, charities that have one-click-donate buttons and people sharing their personal struggles, we can use technology to help others in need by donating our money, time and voice to what aligns to our values. We’re able to stay educated on topics that have the power to make the world a better place—the information is at our fingertips. We can choose to use our handheld devices to make a positive difference in the world.

By creating new habits with how we use technology, we can actually add value to our lives, be more connected to people than ever before and make a positive contribution to this world. The power is literally in our hands.

BANANASTOCK—GETTY IMAGES

BE SELECTIVE WITH WHO YOU FOLLOW ON SOCIAL MEDIA

Megan Jaworski is a mother of two toddler boys, a lover of ethical chocolate and fashion, a teacher and a mindset specialist coach. Meganjaworski.com.

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COOKING with Gia & Olive

AS SEEN ON

1 large carrot, cut into sticks

food processor at a high speed until the mixture

INGREDIENTS

is sticky and does not

1 cup rolled oats

crumble when shaped into

1 cup desiccated coconut ¼ cup pepitas

a ball.

2.

¼ cup sunflower seeds

Wet hands or rub some

¼ cup raisins

coconut oil into your palms.

¼ cup currants

Firmly press and shape the

Optional ingredients:

mixture into balls.

¼ cup dark chocolate chips

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3.

Place balls in the fridge for about 30 minutes to set.

2 tbsp maple syrup

June 2019

bed (lengthways) of carrot, cucumber, avocado, coriander, bean sprouts, mint and shallots. Lay the tofu on the edge of the ingredients.

1 bunch shallots 300 g tofu, cut into strips (or go on-

In the middle of the softened rice paper, place a small

1 bunch mint 4.

Fold the bottom part of the sheet halfway up, followed by

line for our marinated tofu recipe)

the left and right edges into

METHOD 1.

2.

the centre and then roll up to enclose ingredients.

Pour hot water into a large bowl.

Working one sheet at a time,

5.

Serve with our easy satay sauce (see website for recipe).

Golden milk mix 10 MINUTES 10–12 INGREDIENTS

FOOD STYLED BY SHONA SOLOMON AND PHOTOGRAPHED BY ADAM KAVANAGH

Blend all ingredients in a

for a few seconds.)

3.

1 packet bean sprouts

1. Preheat oven to 200ºC (fan-forced).

2. Cut the top and tail of the sweet potatoes and bake for 40 minutes or until soft.

3. While still hot, but cool enough to handle, scoop out the sweet potato flesh and add to a mixing bowl.

4. Mix in chocolate and almond meal until well combined, resembling a chocolate brownie mixture.

5. Press mixture into a lined 20-cm square dish, and place in fridge for an hour to set.

6. To serve, cut into squares.

1.

and submerge each section

1 bunch coriander

METHOD

METHOD

paper at once. Simply rotate

1 avocado, cut into slices

2 medium sweet potatoes 130 g dairy-free dark chocolate, finely chopped 1 cup almond meal

10 MINUTES + 30 MINUTES FRIDGE TIME 18 BALLS

submerge the entire rice

1 small cucumber, cut into sticks

INGREDIENTS

½ tsp cinnamon, ground

soften. (You don’t have to

1 litre hot water

1 HOUR + 1 HOUR FRIDGE TIME 9

1 tsp vanilla extract

seconds or until it starts to

INGREDIENTS 6 sheets Vietnamese rice paper

NEW ZEALAND

in hot water for about 5–10

10 MINUTES 2

Sweet Potato Brownies

Lunch Box Bliss balls

carefully submerge rice paper

Vegetarian Rolls

4 tbsp turmeric, ground 2 tsp ginger, ground 2 tsp cinnamon, ground ½ tsp black pepper, ground 1–2 tsp sweetener of choice 2 tsp water 1 cup dairy-free milk of choice

METHOD To make mix, add all the spices to a small jar and shake to combine. (Can be stored at room temperature for up to three months.)

HOT GOLDEN MILK 1. Add 1 heaped tsp of mix, sweetener of choice and water in a small saucepan. Use a spoon to mix into a loose paste to remove any clumps.

2. Add milk and whisk to combine.

3. Warm over medium heat until just hot (not boiling).

ICED GOLDEN MILK 1. Add 1 heaped tsp of mix, sweetener of choice and 2 tsp boiling or hot water. Use spoon to mix into a loose paste to remove any clumps.

2. Add ice cubes and top with milk, stirring to combine.

GIA & OLIVE The world's cutest sous-chef and her talented mother show us how easy it is to be healthy.

Watch how quickly Gia and Olive can make these recipes on the Mums At The Table TV show.

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IF YOU CAN’T BEAT THEM,

Our children will go online sooner or later, whether we like it or not.

The trick, as parents, is to teach them to be online savvy.

jo in them

Rachel Lemons Aitken

A

s the mum of a little boy who is toddling his way into the digital world, I’m honestly scared. The prospect of autonomous cars, augmented reality and holographic interaction haunts me, and this is coming from a mum whose job centres around technology and digital marketing.

A great deal of my fear is rooted in the unknown interactions my son will have with this emerging world. Couple this with news reports of cyber-bullying, smartphone addiction and the need for documentaries such as Screenagers, and the temptation to throw my hands up and say it’s all too hard is real!

But because I know I cannot send my children into the world in bubble wrap, eternally device-free, it begs the question: How can we as mums prepare our little ones to be good digital citizens who can navigate the online world with the same style and grace we’d expect of them in the physical space?

Are there principles we can teach them before they call a smartphone their own?

Is there any wisdom we can instil that will direct their paths as they begin their own digital journeys?

Well, expert guidance and a little bit of mum common sense has led me to believe it’s possible. Here’s what I’ve discovered.

PEOPLEIMAGES—GETTY IMAGES

TEACH YOUR KIDS THAT THE INTERNET IS MADE UP OF PEOPLE

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We often think of the internet as a web of apps, code and technology, but it’s nothing without people. The foundation of the online space is human relationships and the thing that distinguishes us from mindless bots, artificial intelligence and algorithms is empathy. Teaching your kids to be happy when others are happy and to be sad when others are sad (as the Bible suggests in Romans 12:15) will go a long way when they’re scrolling Instagram or whatever the app du jour is when they’re old enough to care.

The foundation of any healthy human relationship is empathy.

A revamp on the timeless book How to Win Friends and Influence People in the Digital Age states, “We are not empathetic creatures naturally, so we must work at it. Today there’s little excuse for misunderstanding or overlooking another’s perspective. Most of us are broadcasting the details of our lives, seeking significance or a sympathetic ear from anyone who will listen.”

Our children will be aptly prepared to join the online community if we can teach them to see life from other people’s perspectives, and much of this behaviour is learned through their observations of our social interactions.

TEACH HEALTHY DIGITAL CITIZENSHIP THROUGH MODELLING HEALTHY SOCIAL INTERACTIONS IN PERSON The best way to develop healthy social habits is to observe them. Children will observe and mimic the way we treat others and we will see it play out in how they treat their peers, from friends to acquaintances to the mean girl who lives down the street.

Especially telling will be the way we model how to treat those who are different from us and those who are unkind to us. If room is given for them to be treated unfairly or unkindly, later it will be displayed in our children’s online behaviour. Our children are mirrors of the best and worst of us, and it will be much harder to enforce good digital citizenship if they have not observed it in the “real world”.

On the GoGuardian blog, a digital learning environment filtering system, an article entitled “Digital etiquette for being a good digital citizen” expresses that, “Being a good online citizen is more than being a safe internet user—it’s about being responsible, smart and having respect for yourself and others.”

ENGAGE WITH TECHNOLOGY IN A WAY THAT’S WORTH EMULATING Not only will our children’s words mirror our words, but their relationships with their devices will also mirror ours. So it’s important that we engage with technology in a way that’s worth emulating.

One skill we can teach our children in preparation for their own online engagement is how to interact with technology. And this is best done through creating a rhythm in our homes of engagement and rest.

According to developmental and behavioural paediatrician Lisa Nalven of the Valley Center for Child Development in Ridgewood, New Jersey, USA, “Imitation is vital to the development of abilities ranging from language to social skills.”

Ensure your child observes you doing something else other than talking on the phone, watching TV and sitting in front of your computer. Spend time reading books, playing outside, looking them in the eyes and engaging in your favourite non-digital hobby.

In this way, when you encourage them to do something other than sit in front of the screen, their first retort won’t be that you should too.

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GET

. . . establish the boundary that accessing technology is a privilege and not a right.

TEACH THAT TECHNOLOGY IS A PRIVILEGE NOT A RIGHT Because at an early age our devices are often used as soothers, our babies and toddlers stake a claim to our technology. As a result, it’s easy to feel like they own our phones, tablets and the TV, especially if ownership is established by the person who can scream the loudest.

However, preparing them to go online will require us to take back control of our devices and establish the boundary that

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accessing technology is a privilege and not a right. Early boundaries will grow into the expectation that you as a parent will be regularly checking their devices, installing monitoring software and only permitting the use of technology in shared areas, such as living rooms and family rooms at designated hours.

Following this, it should be expected that technology privileges can be lost if the guidelines are not followed. The earlier this is set in place the more peaceful our homes will be as our children grow older.

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Rachel Lemons Aitken is a regular panellist on Mums At The Table TV show. Raisays.com.

DOES HAVING A SECOND CHILD ACTUALLY WORSEN YOUR MENTAL HEALTH?

MENSTRUAL CUPS: ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS

ESTABLISH THEIR RIGHTS IN THE DIGITAL SPACE The final rule can cause a bit of controversy but will go a long way in developing responsible digital citizenship: Establishing your children’s rights in the digital space as it relates to their digital identities.

Our children will be among the first to have their digital footprint span their life. Allowing them to narrate their own stories will go a long way in helping them take responsibility. This means being wary of posting, as parents, every aspect of their lives, from their most embarrassing moments to their punishments, bath times, storytimes and lifetime achievements. By being mindful of this and including them where possible in your decision to post, we will help them understand from an early age that they have a right to their digital identities and that what they post can have long-term consequences, which is a lesson we can all stand to ponder.

So after all of that, I don’t claim to have it all figured out.

However, I know that raising an empathetic child who respects others, feels secure in his family, has boundaries and is empowered to make a positive impact on the world, will walk confidently through the twists and turns of the digital world that awaits him.

He may even teach me a thing or two!

Did you know we have a Facebook community where you can join in the conversation on our show segments, magazine articles and much more?

Recently, we asked our members:

CHAYENE RAFAELA—UNSPLASH

One of our biggest fears as parents when it comes to the digital space is our children’s safety. We’ve been warned of the lurking danger of predators and paedophiles. And while there is little we can do to change this aspect of the world, we can ensure that we make our homes havens of safety with established boundaries and open communication.

For five years, former Queensland police officer Brett Lee was tasked with going on the internet posing as a child to catch online predators. In his investigations, he noticed four primary questions the predators asked him to assess the level of access and privacy they might have: • “Are you in your bedroom?”

• “Do you talk to your parents about what you do on the internet?”

• “Does anyone else use this device?”

• “Are there any monitoring or filtering programs on this device?”

As online predators seek gaps in safety, we can create fortresses by establishing open communication from a young age.

This can start by not punishing fibbing to the point where our children are scared to share the truth with us.

Another key point Brett made was that predators preferred to operate between 9 pm and 6 am. With this knowledge, it’s apparent that teaching precaution with strangers becomes increasingly important both in person and online, along with establishing boundaries with technology from an early age.

find us @MumsAtTheTable

Carol Morris, chief of menstrual matters, Lunette Menstrual Cups.

HOW TO RAISE SPIRITUAL CHILDREN IN A NON-SPIRITUAL WORLD Karen Holford, Mums At The Table’s resident family counsellor and author.

PEOPLEIMAGES—GETTY IMAGES

ESTABLISH OPEN COMMUNICATION AND BOUNDARIES

social

CATCH US AT 9.30 am every Sunday (Australia)

9.30 am every Monday and 11.30 am every Saturday (Australia)

youtube.com /MumsAtTheTable HopeChannel (New Zealand) Check website for times

Content accurate at the time of printing but may be subject to change.

Uriah: I love this. There needs to be more discussions on motherhood and mental health . . . having my second definitely tired me [out] and somewhat affected my mental health. Also, with no extended family to help, it resulted in shifting gear and putting [my] career on hold. Motherhood is a forever job. Tiring yes, busy yes, worrisome yes but yet [people] often think [about having] more [children], so I guess among the chaos, a hug, a kiss and an “I love you mum” out of nowhere is the reward.

Fiona: Uriah, so true. 100 per cent agree. The hard work and mental blur, crazy lady moments definitely rewarded by the priceless “love yous” and hugs that come with motherhood . . . even their laughter. The struggle is real but the rewards are the realest. Keep doing your thing, super lady you.

Nerise: Yes! The lack of sleep with the second child affected my mental health—there were no naps when the baby slept regardless of how tired you were, what was the toddler up to? The first year is hard but the sibling love is great to watch.

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WELLBEING with Collett TALKING ABOUT PORN

S

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FREE PRINTAB LE “PORN A VOIDANC E PLAN” AVAILAB LE FOR DOWNLO AD MumsAtT heTable.c om /freestuff

• Pornography normalises treating people as objects.

• Make them aware that consistent viewing of pornography leads to negative biological and psychological effects. There is growing evidence of the negative effects on the brain.

MILKOS, YACOBCHUK, MONKEYBUSINESSIMAGES, KERKEZ—GETTY IMAGES

tudies have revealed that children as young as nine are exposed to pornography, even when they did not intend to access it. The flood of porn so easily available online has become our kids’ primary source of sexual education, forcing them into an early awareness of unhealthy, risky, violent and dangerous sexual practices.

If not specifically addressed, it is likely to erode their emotional, mental, physical and relational development. Young people innately want to know more about love and sex, yet porn has the ability to destroy everything that is good about romance, love and relationships. There is nothing empathic or kind about porn.

In actual fact, pornography worries young people themselves, so the adults in their lives must absolutely engage in this conversation with them. Remember: just because your child does not mention it, does not mean they have not been exposed.

Often, kids don’t tell because they are worried about their parents finding out what they have been doing online, or felt they were to blame if someone showed them something.

We will need to have lots of small talks, at every age, stage or level of exposure. This is why it is so important for young people to have someone to talk with when they first encounter porn. Here are some points to keep in mind: • When we discover a child has seen pornography, we must not shame them! Shame often leads porn viewing to become a secretive and potentially a more compulsive behaviour.

• Explain to them, “Your body’s response is normal. To be curious or even aroused when first encountering pornography is our body’s natural inbuilt physiological response, but it’s what we choose to do after our first encounters with pornography that put us onto a healthy or destructive path.

Do you continue to look for more and more opportunities to watch porn, do you tell a trusted adult about it or do you find alternative healthy activities to engage in?”

• Talk about porn as a poisonous script for sexual behaviour versus lessons in intimacy. “Pornland” sex contains distorted messages and is filled with myths and stereotypes, and is often violent and abusive. It is the opposite of healthy intimacy.

WHEN YOU DISCOVER YOUR CHILD HAS SEEN PORN Use my BREATHE method.

Be ready and breathe. Be armed with knowledge about this topic.

Take some time to work this out if you need to, but don’t avoid talking about it.

Reassure your child that you are not angry. Explain calmly what you found and tell them that you are there for them and you will now work through this together.

Expect initial denials or promises, because kids are embarrassed or afraid of your reaction.

Activities. Ensure your child’s life is filled with lots of healthy online and offline activities.

Technology check. Have you set up blocking software and parental controls on children and teens’ devices. Is technology out of bedrooms? (Note: Social media is not recommended for children under the age of 13.)

Have a plan. Sit with your child and draw up a plan for what they can do when future exposure occurs—because it will!

Enlist support. If viewing has become compulsive, seek the help of a child psychologist.

ADAPTED FROM COLLETT’S BOOK, THEY’LL BE OKAY: 15 CONVERSATIONS TO HELP YOUR CHILD THROUGH TROUBLED TIMES (HACHETTE, 2019).

COLLETT She’s an author, mum of three and psychologist. Watch Collett Smart share ways mums can look after their own wellbeing on the Mums At The Table TV show.

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FOR MUMS

PRIMARY

PRESCHOOL

BOOK CORNER

32

FORGIVEN Alison Smallwood Spiritual Milk $27.99

This is essentially a picture book for The Apostles’ Creed, the ancient theological statement of Christian belief. On the surface, the text is simple enough for children. Sentences are also backed up by Bible verses, which makes it interesting for older children too. Accompanied by beautiful and touching illustrations.

MAX EINSTEIN: THE GENIUS EXPERIMENT James Patterson Young Arrow $14.99

Suited for an older primary-aged audience, you’ll have your child learning about science without even realising it! The first in a series, it’s brilliantly written, with a gripping storyline, full of action and adventure. Be warned: your child will soon want the entire Max Einstein series.

AUSTRALIA FREE 3 Mike Kock Woodslane Press $55.00

It may sound like a bit of an investment to begin with. However, the returns are high if you are the type of family looking for budget-friendly (or free) activities to do, and don’t mind camping or living on campgrounds. This is a tome on both indoor and outdoor activities in Australia’s eight states and territories, and even includes maps and GPS coordinates for ease of navigation.

MumsAtTheTable.com

June 2019

THE INCURABLE IMAGINATION

WIN

Paul Russell & Aśka EK Books $24.99

How can you go wrong with a book that features a child with a pet unicorn? Fuel and encourage your child’s creativity and imagination with this story that celebrates a child’s ability to look beyond what is in front of them. For the school-averse child, it gently shows them how learning can actually be fun.

ONE TREE

THE DEPARTMENT OF SENSITIVE CRIMES Alexander McCall Smith Little, Brown $29.99

Just that tad bit quirky, this book isn’t quite the crime-detective novel that you may expect. Commendable is the lack of violence or gore. There’s a strong emphasis on the mundane, and characters meander in and out of conversation topics, rarely staying on point. The storyline is linear, in a roundabout sort of way.

And yet, the novel is curiously absorbing with a narrative that draws you in.

QUEEN CELINE

Completely adorable, this story of the strong friendship between two owls will bring a smile to your face. There are some amusing one-liners, accompanied by some sweet drawings, which are big and bold enough to command attention from a preschooler. It’s a fun read that helps your child to identify emotions too.

A subtle message about sharing and inclusion, set against a young child’s favourite backdrop: the beach. The humorous illustrations add a special dimension to the book. The words don’t rhyme, and the story may be a little long for a younger child, but it’s a fun read that teaches your child some precious lessons about getting along.

Heidi McKinnon Allen & Unwin $24.99

Matt Shanks Walker Books $24.99

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THE MAGIC FARAWAY TREE: ADVENTURE OF THE GOBLIN DOG

Christopher Cheng & Bruce Whatley Puffin Books $24.99 What a delightful way to show children family bonds, and the power and ability of the natural environment to change our lives for the better.

Thanks to the bold strokes of the illustration, it is also an opportunity to get a glimpse into a different world— that of both ancient and inner-city Asia.

BAZ & BENZ

HOTEL FLAMINGO Alex Milway Piccadilly Press $12.99

Enid Blyton Hodder Children’s Books $14.99

WIN

This book about a little girl (with her animal staff, including a “doorbear” named T Bear) bringing back to life a hotel past its prime, is an easy, sweet and feel-good read. It’s a nice flowing narrative—littered with ideas of what constitutes a good work ethic—accompanied by cute illustrations.

There is just as much chance of you buying this book for yourself as there is of you buying it for your child. Rediscover the magical and imaginative worlds of Enid Blyton with this retitled version of one of her lesser known novels. Be warned though that the well-loved Magic Faraway Tree only makes a guest appearance.

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WIN THESE ! !

S K O BO

OUTER ORDER INNER CALM Gretchen Rubin Two Roads $27.99

If you’ve decided that Marie Kondo’s philosophy in life has sparked joy, this is a great book to get you started in a practical way. There are more than 200 tips on how you can begin to clear the clutter from your life, making way for order, which in turn will create some sense of calm, if not happiness. The tips— some of them philosophical—are easy implement and when you think about it, just make so much sense. (Read an extract on page 34.)

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HOW T U O D FIN E 15 ON PAG June 2019

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MUMS AT THE TABLE MAGAZINE

outer order,

REAL WOMEN | REAL CONVERSATIONS | REAL ISSUES

i n n e r ca l m Gretchen Rubin

F RE E*

sessions that have Often we hang on to pos y. log hno tec been replaced by nt manuals for your pri the t sul con you Do up the —or do you just look devices or appliances of ary libr a in inta ma you information online? Do don’t use you ugh tho n eve s books, DVDs or CD faxes? them anymore? never send or receive chine, even though you , thesaurus, ary tion dic r, Do you have a fax ma nne sca r, alarm clock, calculato tead, so Maybe you still need an use a tech solution ins ier—but perhaps you cop or ps ma etiquette guide, p those things. ed version. you don’t need to kee , don’t keep the outdat rent version of an item cur m any the to on g If you have the han to d se items, there’s no nee the use ly y of a ual cop l act sica you s Unles not to own a phy s seem like a sacrilege longer. (Though it doe dictionary.)

YOUR

BONUS

Turn to PAGE 33 for our review of Gretchen’s book.

ON CREATE OUTER ORDER SMARTPHONE clutter on your smart-

Clear away the visual phone. ential apps on your Keep only the most ess eens. the others to later scr first screen and move . use ’t don you s app Regularly delete ce, use folders. For To create even more spa -related apps in a vel tra my ting instance, by put up a lot of empty space. r travel folder, I opened s by colour to make you order, arrange your app it ke ma to n ctio fun For even more visual your apps by to the eye or arrange display more pleasing more efficient. artphone as well. When and sounds on your sm Adjust the notifications ifications, my phone not my when I cut back on and nds sou all off ned I tur usive tool. became a much less intr THIS IS AN EXTRACT FROM

OUTER ORDER, INNER

HETTE AUSTRALIA, RRP

IN, PUBLISHED BY HAC

CALM BY GRETCHEN RUB

writers on the linked of the most influential Gretchen Rubin is one enrubin.com tch Gre . ure nat an happiness and hum

LIGHTFIELDSTUDIOS—GETTY IMAGES, FREEPIK

TO ALLOW TECHNOLOGY R CLEAR CLUTTE

Y MONTHL COPY!

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