Mums At The Table - January 2019

THE WORK ISSUE REAL WOMEN | REAL CONVERSATIONS | REAL ISSUES

JANUARY 2019

stillBirth:

SENATOR KRISTINA KENEALLY SHARES HER STORY

HOW TO MAKE A

career leap

working

FOR POCKET MONEY ?

AS SEEN ON NEW ZEALAND

Your magazine is complimentary and made possible by the generous support of your Mums At The Table community.

REAL WOMEN | REAL CONVERSATIONS | REAL ISSUES

contents

Jo in us

JANUARY 2019

just for you 14 18

18 Stay an employee

Start own busi ness

11 WOULD YOU . . .

Return to work soon after the birth of your child?

18 FINDING STRENGTH IN DEATH Australian senator Kristina Keneally shares her private pain.

22 STEPPING UP Your career doesn’t have to suffer just because you’ve had a baby.

24 MAKING THE CAREER LEAP The ultimate guide to starting your own business.

30 GRIEF WILL NOT DEFINE ME

Faced with tragedy after tragedy, she found the courage to go on.

34 THERE IS NO SHAME

Mama, you are allowed to be imperfect.

parenting

8 THREE GLASS JARS Teaching your children financial literacy.

14 A LONG DRIVE

The importance of father– daughter relationships.

32 BOOK CORNER

24 10

PANELLISTS Fiona, Rachel, Shona, Melody, Rachel and Maryellen discuss a range of topics including current events, issues and family life.

16

food & wellbeing

6 NATURE AT WORK A sneak peek at Ken Duncan’s latest photo book.

12 ASK THE EXPERTS 16 COOKING WITH GIA & OLIVE

Mac ’n cheese; brown rice porridge; chocolate soft serve; peach muffins.

28 WELLBEING WITH COLLETT How charity work helps your child.

PLUS healthy recipes, exercise tips, DIY projects and awesome hacks for around the home.

find us on social media @MumsAtTheTable

#MumsAtTheTable

MumsAtTheTable.com

150 Fox Valley Road Wahroonga NSW 2076 MumsAtTheTable.com

@ MumsAtTheTable

EDITOR Melody Tan

ADVERTISING ENQURIES editorial@MumsAtTheTable.com

VOLUME 3 NUMBER 1 The Work Issue

COPYEDITOR Tracey Bridcutt

SEND ALL LETTERS AND SUBMISSIONS TO: Mums At The Table magazine PO Box 1115, Wahroonga, NSW 2076 or editorial@MumsAtTheTable.com

PRIVACY NOTICE This issue of Mums At The Table magazine may contain Reader Offers, being offers, competitions or surveys. Reader Offers may require you to provide personal information to enter or to take part. We may use and disclose your information in accordance with our Privacy Policy, including to provide you with your requested products or services and to

GRAPHIC DESIGN Nerise McQuillan Theodora Amuimuia FOR A FREE MONTHLY COPY Julie@MumsAtTheTable.com COVER PHOTO

by Imgorthand—Getty Images

Mums At The Table magazine is available free of charge thanks to generous donations. We ask you to pass it on to your friends after you are finished with it.

keep you informed of our other publications, products, services and events. Our Privacy Policy is located at www.mumsatthetable. com/privacy.

PUBLISHER Mums At The Table is a product of

CEO Brad Kemp ABN 59 093 117 689 ISSN 2208-4010

January 2019

MumsAtTheTable.com

3

s r e t let

from the

editor

TO THE

hen Elliott was about six months old, when I was still on maternity leave, my husband and I swapped roles: he became the stay-at-home parent and I returned to work.

Returning to full-time work with my new maternal role has been a somewhat conflicting experience. I was back in familiar territory, doing something I enjoy and believe I am good at and yet, it was difficult to shake off the guilt that I was somehow shirking my responsibilities as a parent and wife.

“Mum guilt” is not something one can understand until you’re actually a mother. And when you do become a mum, you find yourself feeling terrible about everything, even things you would not have thought were important pre-child.

When you’re at work, you’re trying not to think of the missed precious moments you should be having with your child. When you’re at home, you’re wondering if you had put in enough effort at work. When you’re with your child, you seem to be nagging or disciplining them more often than you want. When you’re alone, you wonder if you should have done things differently when your child was awake. How do you generate passion and understand that God has called you for a specific purpose in all of this?

Perhaps the meeting point of passion and satisfaction with faith and purpose lies firstly with addressing the feelings of guilt. The irony is that as people, we understand God has never called us to be perfect. And yet as mothers, we constantly feel the need to be more—much, much more.

The Bible tells us rather frankly that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23), but also gives us the assurance that His “grace is sufficient for [us], for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). So whether you are a working mum, a stay-at-home mum or anything in between, shake off that mum-guilt—God has got your back.

And for those of us who need that little bit more scientific reassurance, a recently published study by Harvard Business School revealed children of working mums grow up to be just as happy in adulthood as those whose mums stayed home.

Melody

We only have two young children at our church, but we’ve been sharing the magazines with another church in town. I’m also trying to see if I can get the magazines into our local public school!

—Robyn

POGANIA—ISTOCK

January

W

editor

I really like [your] magazine but I was super upset when I saw the [October 2018] magazine talking about raising strong kids and the [cover] picture was a little boy. I believe girls and boys are strong.

We always link the word strong with boys and I think this is not right. I am sorry but I need to tell my opinion!

—Antonella

Thanks very much for your kindness in sharing with me your magazine—it just arrived! May God continue to richly bless and prosper every area of your lives and your family’s!

—Nancy

Our [Bible study group] has a new mum and . . . I’ll lend her my [magazines] . . . . Gratitude and blessings!

—Joy

Letter of the Month

I got your magazine through a mums’ group that gets together every second Wednesday. They do different craft activities. I have three children, one with special needs. I really liked the information that was in the magazine.

—Milena

Thank you for this wonderful magazine, Mums At The Table.

It’s not only a magazine for mums but also for grandmums like me. It keeps me updated and bridges the generation gap between my daughter, my grandson and me. It also enlightens me on issues and happenings that I can understand and share with them. Thank you also for the spiritual inspiration. Keep up the good job.

—Kristina

Drop us a line and win a gift!

What did we get right? What can we do better? What are the conversations you're having? What are the issues you're facing? The author of our letter of the month wins a free copy of 52 Ways to Parent Happy Children, written by our very own family counsellor, Karen Holford! Write to us at editorial@thetabletv.com.

4

MumsAtTheTable.com

January 2019

January 2019

MumsAtTheTable.com

5

Nature at Work "So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow” (1 Corinthians 3:7)

Ken Duncan’s latest title, Reflections—Spirit of Australia, features glorious new images along with some of his timeless classics, each one complemented by a carefully selected, inspiring Bible verse.

6

MumsAtTheTable.com

January 2019

January 2019

MumsAtTheTable.com

7

THREE GLASS JARS FREE PRINTAB LE “POCKET MONEY IN SIMPLE S TEPS” AVAILAB LE FOR DOWNLO AD MumsAtT heTable.c om /freestuff

that Helen believes is the foundation to teaching children financial literacy. “They can physically see what is happening in those jars,” she explains. “They can see it build, they can see it decrease, they can see the amount they can pull out. They get the idea that if they put this money away, they can save for a toy or something that’s important to them. By seeing it, as opposed to using ATM cards, they can have a correlation between the reality and how to manage money.”

Scott is also an advocate of the jar strategy and, as he says in his book, what you’re doing is laying the foundations “and the best way to do that is the old-fashioned way, by seeing the money”. And lest you think the jar strategy is only for young children, think again.

Scott even advises it for teenagers. “I’m not trying to be cute— research suggests it’s the best way to teach your kids about money,” he asserts in his book.

But when do you start? Helen suggests from as young as five.

“As soon as kids can start asking for things, I think it’s a really good time to teach them that they cannot have everything they want, because this is how much there is and you have to make choices about what you want.”

What you are trying to do is help them understand the difference between needs and wants, to make choices and decisions, and understand why you can’t have everything that you see.

How to teach children financial literacy using their pocket money.

By Melody Tan

I

n his latest book, The Barefoot Investor for Families, popular television personality, author and financial adviser Scott Pape—the “Barefoot Investor” himself—says, “Paying pocket money is one of the most powerful tools you have to teach your kids about money.” In fact, what you do now about their pocket money could help ensure your children don’t grow up with credit card debt plaguing the rest of their working life.

8

MumsAtTheTable.com

January 2019

Research by the Australian Securities and Investments Commission (ASIC) last year revealed one in six Australians is struggling under a mountain of credit card debt that might never be repaid, with outstanding balances totalling $45 billion. At the same time, latest studies by the Australian Bureau of Statistics in 2017 revealed household savings were at their lowest point in nine years.

Simply put, if we aren’t careful, we will raise a generation of children who spend far more than they save; who owe far more than they are ever able to repay. Thankfully, the way to ensure our children grow up money-savvy is as easy as getting them three glass jars.

LAYING THE FOUNDATIONS Helen Baker is an author and financial planning expert based in

INDYSYSTEM—GETTYIMAGES

EARNING MONEY

Queensland and her tip on how to teach children financial literacy using pocket money begins with giving them real money: cash. She suggests breaking the money up into smaller denominations, “so a dollar coin, 50s, 20s 10s . . . a range, so they know how much it all adds up to be and that you can break it down”.

This is where the three glass jars come in. “Get them to break the pocket money up between savings—something they want to put money away for; giving—they might want to give to a charity; and spending money,” says Helen. “If they can break up [the money] from what they’ve got, they learn that it doesn't go into one pool. If you think about bank accounts, if you just have one where everything goes in and everything comes out, you never know whether you’re really saving; there’s no vision for what’s building.”

It’s this sensory aspect of being able to touch and see money

Perhaps one of the more controversial aspects of pocket money lies in how—or why—you give it. Should children be earning their keep in the family and be paid for the chores they perform around the house? Or are said chores their responsibility that they’re meant to carry out regardless and pocket money is given simply because they are part of the family?

Helen’s suggestion is a compromise of both schools of thought.

“If we are going to teach children about financial literacy, it comes with the attachment that one day they are going to have to work,” she says. “Each family is not going to do it the same way. There are things that you just do as chores because you are part of the family, but the extra bit is teaching them if you do extra, you can get paid for that, which is really how it works in life.”

She suggests letting children understand parental love and responsibility means they don’t have to pay for food or rent, but if there’s a family holiday coming up or if there’s something special they want to spend money on, then “teach them to wash the car or something like that in order to get some money. You’re teaching them what it is like in the real world. We all have to go out and work to generate income in order to live off and at some point, they are all going to have to make that leap. Setting that standard early is good and it helps them understand what Mum and Dad do every day when they go to work.”

The Barefoot Investor for Families recommends a similar compromise, with Scott suggesting giving children just three jobs to do each week in order to earn pocket money.

THE NITTY GRITTY In July last year, a University of Melbourne study revealed when it comes to pocket money, girls were, across the board, paid less

January 2019

MumsAtTheTable.com

9

. . . girls were paid less [pocket money] than their brothers . . .

would you...

RETURN TO WORK SOON AFTER THE BIRTH OF YOUR CHILD?

US BON GE 32

f to PA Turn review o r u . o ok for ’s bo Scott

10

MumsAtTheTable.com

January 2019

Debit cards, credit cards, ATM cards and any other form of payment methods can wait until you are confident your children understand money and have some form of financial literacy. In the meantime, get those glass jars out—and good luck!

Melody Tan is editor of Mums At The Table magazine and a regular panellist on Mums At The Table TV show. She lives in Sydney with her husband and her son.

PEOPLEIMAGES—GETTYIMAGES

GIVING? There are usually only two aspects of money we think about: saving and spending. However, Helen Baker, author and financial planning expert, encourages parents to teach children about a third: giving.

“We’re pretty blessed in this country and while we can look at people who have more than us, if we look at how many more have less, then we can start to think about how we can give a little bit of something that we have to somebody else and that’s a really good thing,” she says. “But it might not be every parent’s thing, so it’s up to them.”

As Christians, we also believe everything we have comes as a blessing from God. Returning tithe and giving offerings to the church—back to God—is our humble way of showing our gratitude and serves as a reminder that He is our Provider. So teach your children to set aside 10 per cent of their pocket money for God, and encourage them to drop it into the offering bag the next time they are at church.

would . . .

would not . . .

My husband and I are both from overseas, so we don’t have family support nearby. As we grew up in developing countries, we are both very driven to be financially secure and want to support our families overseas. We also agreed early on that both of us would care equally for our children.

Both times I had children, I returned to work six months after giving birth. My husband cared for both the kids full-time the following six months, even though he earned more.

It was of great moral support for me to go back to work and progress with my career, and more so, to set an example to our children and our community that dads are just as great as carers.

Now we both work full-time and use kindergarten, childcare and au pairs to accommodate the standard corporate days. We both believe that children need more than their mums or dads.

If we could, we would have our entire family here (grandparents, uncles, aunties, cousins). As this is not possible, we created our own village by hosting au pairs. Not only are they loving older “sisters” to our kids but they give us the flexibility to enjoy quality time with our children.

Knowing that many families face a similar challenge, having to work and lacking family support, I even started a community, 99aupairs.com, where families can find au pairs as flexible in-home childcare support. It takes a village to raise a child and while we don’t always have family support, we create flexibility by hosting au pairs.

My husband and I always wanted for me to be a stay-at-home mum until the girls started school. It has not been easy financially but we managed. After all, if I were to go back to work, the majority of my wage would go towards paying the high costs of childcare—we did not think it was worth missing out on precious time with our kids for that.

We chose for me to be a stay-at-home mum because we wanted stability for our girls. We wanted to be there when they got sick and not feel pressured about work. We wanted them to bond with each other.

My plan was to get back into the workforce when the girls were both at school, but I also wanted to be able to take them to their after-school activities. Two years ago, when they were five and seven, I looked at jobs that would still enable me to be part of my girls’ day-to-day routine. It was impossible! I realised the only way I could manage this would be to start my own business and be flexible with my time. It took me nearly two years, but last year, in July, Feyre Home was officially launched.

I hope that by being there with my girls in their early years we have given them stability, strength and confidence. I am confident they have a good grasp on life. I don’t know if it’s because I was a stay-at-home mum when they were young, but we are both happy that I did.

I consider myself very lucky and I will treasure those years spent with my girls. I would not trade all those cuddles and beautiful memories for anything.

IRENE BECKER MELBOURNE, VICTORIA

CHRIS RYAN—GETTYIMAGES, FREEPIK

than their brothers, and were much more likely to not be paid at all. Similar findings were revealed back in 2016, with boys earning $13 a week in pocket money on average, while girls got $9.60.

It’s a shocking—and sad—revelation at a time when women still have to campaign for equal pay for doing the same job that we’re setting our daughters up for failure at home. So whatever you do and however much it is, pay your children the same amount of pocket money (if they are of similar age).

Helen suggests $5 for children under eight is a good start, with the amount increasing as they get older, depending on their needs. As Scott says, the point isn’t the amount—it’s a visual aid for teaching financial literacy. This means giving them the amount they need (for older children, this may mean something for going to the movies and hanging out with their friends) but expecting them to manage it.

As they get into their teenage years, encourage them to look into getting part-time work to pay for anything extra, different or more expensive.

Helen also suggests paying pocket money weekly because “in a week, you absorb the weekend and the normal week. They can see how they are spending that money.”

The most important thing parents need to know about pocket money, Helen says, is, “If you give them something to spend and if they run out, don't give them any more because that’s how you teach them to depend on credit cards in the long run. What you are trying to do is help them to make decisions and understand that they will have to make the money last for as long as it is, whether it’s today or the week, and if they make decisions to spend it all at the start of the day or week, then that is their choice. Just tell them to make sure to think about it the next time. We only learn by making a mistake.”

Helen also warns against using debit cards, because while these don’t incur the type of debts credit cards do, they still don’t have the sense of reality that cold, hard cash does. When you are only spending the money in your wallet, “you see how it goes down very quickly”, says Helen.

HILMA FITZGERALD MELBOURNE, VICTORIA

January 2019

MumsAtTheTable.com

11

e h t k as experts OUR PANEL:

Q Should I eat three big meals or several small meals a day?

KATHY FRAY MOTHERHOOD EXPERT MOTHERWISE

NEIL GINSBERG PAEDIATRICIAN SYDNEY ADVENTIST HOSPITAL

TRISH GUY KAREN HOLFORD ANDREW DARON PRATT NUTRITIONIST FAMILY COUNSELLOR PENNINGTON KIDS' CHAPLAIN SANITARIUM HEALTH HEARTWORDS GP SEVENTH-DAY & WELLBEING SANCTUARY LIFESTYLE ADVENTIST CHURCH CLINIC

PETER WOOD OBSTETRICIANGYNAECOLOGIST SYDNEY ADVENTIST HOSPITAL

Maria, via email

Both eating patterns offer health benefits and the ideal eating pattern depends on the individual; it is not one-size-fits-all. There are many different factors that can influence eating patterns, including physical activity level, lifestyle considerations, health issues (diabetes, gastric reflux, etc.), appetite or just personal comfort and preference.

The most important thing is to create a food plan that fits your individual needs and circumstances, and that ensures you are getting the right types and amount of food. More important than the eating pattern is the amount and types of foods that you eat, so fill your diet with nourishing foods that will give you the energy you need and keep you satisfied until the next meal. These include wholegrains, protein-rich foods like tofu, eggs and nuts, dairy foods, and a variety of vegetables and fruits.

Listen to your body and eat only when hungry. —Trish

Q Why does my baby seem to cry so much?

Christy,

via our website

Firstly, don’t hide or deflect the question and answer in an age-appropriate way, asking God for wisdom as you do. Remind your children that they are safe, even if we do live in a world where bad things do happen. You could give a brief outline of the battle between Jesus and Satan, but remind your child that Jesus promises to always be with us and that He cares for us. A good Bible text to use is 1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

Allow your child to wrestle with the question. Just being involved as a parent is powerful as children often reflect your attitude in theirs.

Encouraging your child to draw, paint and play are good ways to help your child process their thoughts, feelings and anxiety. It is also fine to say, “I don’t know why but I do know that Jesus loves us no matter what.”

Read your children promises in the Bible about heaven and that the day is coming when God is going to make everything right. Teach them that, in the meantime, they can help God by helping others when things go wrong. —Daron

Q Can I take medication that has expired? Jose, via our website Expiry dates are meant to make sure a medication is effective and they are required by law. Essentially, the manufacturer of the medication is guaranteeing its potency to the stated date.

In most situations, it is safe to take an expired medication in that it will not likely harm you, but it may be less effective. That being said, a study by the US Food and Drug Administration has found that many medications can still be effective many years after their expiry date. —Andrew

12

MumsAtTheTable.com

January 2019

WOKANDAPIX—PIXABAY, ANTONIOGUILLEM, MILKOS, ITAKAYUKI—GETTY IMAGES

Q What do I say to my children to justify all the bad things happening around the world when they know Jesus is caring? Natalie, via email

Babies cry to communicate their needs. They can be hungry, tired, may need a nappy change or need to be cuddled or burped. Crying is common during the first few months of life and it can be more noticeable in the late afternoon or evening.

Crying times peak between 6 and 8 weeks of age.

Sometimes, you will notice that babies will draw their legs up to their tummies and appear to be unsettled—it may indicate they have wind. A warm bath and a cuddle may help to alleviate this problem.

If you are experiencing frustration or anxiety over your baby, place baby in their cot, take some deep breaths to try and calm yourself, and seek help and support from family or friends.

If you have any health concerns regarding your baby, contact your GP for advice. Parents who are experiencing difficulties with uncontrollable crying in an otherwise healthy baby can seek help from their local early childhood centre, Tresillian or Karitane (in Australia), or Well Child Provider or PlunketLine (in New Zealand).

—Heather Winter, midwife, Sydney Adventist Hospital

SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION TO OUR PANEL OF EXPERTS Write to us at: editorial@MumsAtTheTable.com THE INFORMATION PROVIDED IS GENERAL IN NATURE AND DOES NOT TAKE INTO ACCOUNT YOUR PERSONAL SITUATION. YOU SHOULD CONSIDER WHETHER THE INFORMATION IS APPROPRIATE TO YOUR NEEDS, AND WHERE APPROPRIATE, SEEK PROFESSIONAL ADVICE.

January 2019

MumsAtTheTable.com

13

Fathers who spend more time talking to their work colleagues than with their teenage daughters are losing the vital influence they have.

By Madonna King

A long DRIVE 14

MumsAtTheTable.com

January 2019

MIXETTO—GETTY IMAGES

H

ow often does a father sit down and really talk to his teen daughter, one-on-one? I asked 400 fathers that question recently, as part of my research for my book Fathers and Daughters, and the answers should make us all stop and think.

“This month while on holidays.’’

“Good question. It’s been a while now. Thinking about it, most, if not all of our conversations seem to be built around an issue, a problem, a life lesson, a positive reinforcement etc.’’

“A month ago, while teaching her to drive.’’

“Good question—probably a few months ago. She is absorbed by her study or other activities.’’

“I can’t remember.’’

“A solid 10 minutes? Wow, is that still possible?’’

“Last week we had a good conversation over table tennis for about 15 minutes.’’

“In the car on the way home from the pool last night.’’

“I love driving my girls to school and picking them up because it gives us more time to be together.’’

“Often, but my wife talks about the hard stuff.’’

Daughters, too, were challenged by the same question. I asked 1300 girls, aged 10 to 17, how often they spend 10 minutes in one-on-one conversations with their dad.

“Once or twice a year.’’

“Hardly ever. I haven’t talked to him fully except when I’m in the car with him.’’

“In the car because you know I have to.’’

“Once a month? I can’t even remember the last time.’’

“Almost never, but we sit and do maths together.’’

“Sparingly. The most I would sit down and talk to him is for help with my homework, but assuming this doesn’t count I would say upward of once a month.’’

“Sometimes I wish I could talk to him for at least 10 minutes or more, but he always seems busy.’’

“I used to do it with my father all the time when I lived with him, when I was upset and things were tough

for me. But since I live with my mum now, we don’t really do [it] that often anymore.’’

A couple of things stand out. Firstly, a long drive can encourage conversation, and both dads and daughters said that. Secondly, those fathers and daughters who did activities together —were involved in the same sport, went camping, undertook a charity project or even actively followed the same music— enjoyed a warm and chatty bond.

Despite so many fathers and daughters struggling to communicate with each other—particularly as puberty loomed—the girls provided a long list of traits they admire in their fathers. This includes those girls who admit they rarely sit and talk with their father, one-on-one.

Girls love that their father is organised, successful, hardworking, rational and calm. Those five adjectives surfaced hundreds of times. They love that he can reduce a drama by offering alternatives, and that he is content if she is trying her best. They love his clinical approach to issues.

Annie says if she gets a C-grade in maths, her father will inquire whether she thinks she needs a tutor. “Mum would just be upset,’’ she says.

Chelsea says she understands what her father is saying. “Dad gets straight to the point,’’ she says.

Maddy says, “If he doesn’t think something is good for you, he suggests another path.’’

Fathers underestimate that power; a point made to me by leading cancer surgeon Dr Bruce Robinson, who sometimes has the unenviable task of telling a father he is facing a certain death.

They all ask the same question: “Why didn’t I spend more time with my kids?’’

Dr Bruce’s take-out is that fathers don’t know how important they are in raising wise, warm and intelligent women.

“To be honest, it breaks my heart,’’ he says. “They think somehow they’re the icing on the cake and mum’s the sort of lynchpin of it all. They do not realise how profoundly important they are.’’

Madonna King is an award-winning journalist, author and commentator. Her ninth book is called Fathers and Daughters and it follows her award-winning book Being 14.

January 2019

MumsAtTheTable.com

15

COOKING with Gia & Olive Mac ’n Cheese PREPARATION TIME: 5 MINUTES COOKING TIME: 20 MINUTES SERVES: 5

Chocolate soft serve

1.

INGREDIENTS 2 cups frozen bananas 1 cup coconut water 1 tbsp (heaped) cacao powder 2 Medjool dates

Cook pasta according to directions on packet.

2.

METHOD

In the meantime, submerge

Blend ingredients until well combined, resembling the smooth consistency of soft serve. Add more coconut water to make a smoothie instead.

potato, carrot and onion in water in a small pot and cook until soft.

3.

Blend vegetables, with 2 cups of water from the

500 g pasta of your choice

vegetables, and cashews,

2 cups water

garlic powder, onion

1 large potato, roughly chopped

powder, salt and nutritional

1 large carrot, roughly chopped

yeast (and red capsicum, if

½ onion, roughly chopped

using) until smooth.

4.

Place cooked pasta in a

1 tsp garlic powder

bowl and cover with a good

1 tsp onion powder

amount of sauce. You could

1 tsp sea or Himalayan salt

also add steamed broccoli

1 tbsp nutritional yeast flakes

or other vegetables to the

Optional: 1 roasted red capsicum

pasta and mix through with

(from a jar)

the sauce.

Peach muffins PREPARATION TIME: 15 MINUTES COOKING TIME: 30–35 MINUTES MAKES: 12 MUFFINS

INGREDIENTS 2 cups cooked brown rice (or pre-cooked microwave rice) 1 cup almond, soy or oat milk 1 ripe banana, chopped 1 tbsp honey or maple syrup Optional: ½ tsp ground cinnamon powder As topping: 1 cup seasonal fruit, chopped

METHOD 1.

2.

16

Blend all ingredients until smooth or to desired consistency. Add more milk if you want a thinner consistency.

Top each bowl with seasonal fruit and serve.

MumsAtTheTable.com

January 2019

FOOD STYLED BY SHONA SOLOMON AND PHOTOGRAPHED BY ADAM KAVANAGH

Brown Rice Porridge PREPARATION TIME: 5 MINUTES (IF RICE IS PRE-COOKED) COOKING TIME: 20–30 MINUTES (IF COOKING RICE) SERVES: 2–3

NEW ZEALAND

PREPARATION TIME: 5 MINUTES COOKING TIME: 0 MINUTES SERVES: 3

METHOD

INGREDIENTS

½ cup cashews

AS SEEN ON

INGREDIENTS

METHOD

6 ripe bananas 1 tsp vanilla extract 1 tsp baking powder 1 tsp baking soda ½ cup walnuts, crushed 1 cup canned peaches, chopped 3½ cups rolled oats

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Preheat oven to 180oC (fan-forced).

Mash bananas in a mixing bowl until smooth.

Stir in remaining ingredients (except oats).

Add oats and stir until mixed through.

Spoon into muffin pan and bake for 30–35 minutes.

GIA & OLIVE The world's cutest sous-chef and her talented mother show us how easy it is to be healthy.

Watch how quickly Gia and Olive can make these recipes on the Mums At The Table TV show.

FOR MORE

MumsAtTheTable

MumsAtTheTable

January 2019

MumsAtTheTable.com

17

Stillbirth. A silent and lonely pain. It was the source of Kristina Keneally’s many tears but was also the catalyst that saw her become the first woman to serve as premier of New South Wales. She shares her story with Mums At The Table.

T

in death

18

MumsAtTheTable.com

January 2019

BON US

SUPPLIED

FINDING STRENGTH

he simplest question was often the hardest. It might be while talking with new acquaintances or during the chit-chat that happens at a dinner party. “How many children do you have?” And then I would have to decide: do I have two children or do I have three?

I’d quickly do a mental calculation—not of how many children I have, for that I know. What I would rapidly analyse is whether direct honesty trumps the social awkwardness of explaining that one of my babies is dead.

My daughter Caroline died at birth. She never drew a breath.

Most often I would answer I have two children.

I would decide the person asking meant well, was only making polite conversation and that I could— again—wear the silent pang of guilt and pain that my baby was stillborn. What’s the point of making the other person feel sad too?

This strategy had its flaws. Sometimes when I told the person I had two boys, they would ask, “Oh, but didn’t you want a girl?”

More than you can ever know.

Caroline was born 19 years ago. She is my second child. She was born in the middle of my doctoral studies in theology. I was writing my dissertation on how theology could use women’s experiences as a lens through which to interpret God and God’s salvific action in the world.

Christianity has almost always described God in male terms.

God is He or Him. God is a Father. God’s Son became Krist appe ina Ken incarnate in the form of e ars a s a g ally a Man, Jesus. Perhaps it u e our s how. st on is no surprise that God WAT has been understood CH T www HE INTE and described as RVIE .mum male. For centuries the com/ sattheta W AT people who had access krist interview ble. ina_k _ enea to power, education and lly property in society, and in the church, were men. The

people who interpreted scripture and tradition were overwhelmingly men.

But we know, from the book of Genesis, that both men and women are created in God’s image. We know from Galatians that there is neither male nor female, but rather we are all one in the person of Jesus Christ. My thesis wasn’t arguing that God is not a male, but rather, that there are aspects of God we fail to appreciate if we only look at God through a male lens.

For example, think about what Jesus does. He pours out His blood for us, so we may have new life. Don’t mothers in childbirth do the same thing? He feeds us with His body. Don’t nursing mothers do the same thing? Jesus the Man seems to possess some very female aspects in His Person.

When my daughter Caroline was stillborn I grew very angry with God. Why was my baby not with me? Why did God let this happen to me? Doesn’t a baby need to be with her mother?

After a few weeks of feeling this way I was hit with a powerful realisation: God is like a mother whose child has died.

God’s only Son, Jesus, died. God, who is neither male nor female, can be likened to both father and mother. And for me, the grieving mother of a baby who had died, I suddenly understood even more deeply the love that God must have for the world if, as a mother, God could allow Her own child to die.

This realisation didn’t suddenly make everything okay. My sadness and grief did not disappear overnight. But my anger with God dissipated. It’s not that I had expected God to directly intervene in my pregnancy to make sure that I received a healthy baby.

Rather, I came to understand that, in a world where bad things and tragedy happens, God understands my pain and walks with me.

In a far more impactful way, I understood that God’s love for me, for all of us, is greater than the power of death. I found comfort in God’s grace and in a mother-like God who entered human existence and understood human life in its fullest dimensions, including its sorrows.

That gave me strength.

The experience of giving birth to Caroline changed me forever.

I would rather she had lived, of course. I would rather that I had never known what it is to be the mother of a stillborn baby. But she did not and I cannot change what has happened.

What I do know is that, as a result of Caroline’s birth and death, I am a different person than I would have otherwise been. Caroline taught me to be strong. She made me brave, almost fearless. In society we often think of strength as a male attribute, and again,

January 2019

MumsAtTheTable.com

19

Christianity, death and hope The Bible describes death as a sleep. This means, like sleep, death is temporary. After a person dies, Christians believe the next thing the “sleeper” will be aware of is an awakening—the resurrection—the wonderful hope of Christianity. The resurrection will occur at the time of Jesus’ second coming and loved ones (dead or alive) will be reunited to spend eternity with God in heaven.

For more information, check out these verses in the Bible: • Daniel 12:2 • Ecclesiastes 9:5 • John 11:11–14 • 1 Thessalonians 4:15–17

20

MumsAtTheTable.com

January 2019

Right now the Senate is holding an inquiry into stillbirth research and education. After several hundred submissions and six days of public hearings, it is obvious that so many parents are ready to break the silence around stillbirth and demand that we, as a nation, need to do better to help parents and babies avoid this tragedy. It is also clear that there are things we know about reducing stillbirth that we are not telling parents—and there are things we could know if we collected data differently and funded research.

As Caroline’s mother I have also decided not to stay silent any longer, even if it means a few moments of awkward conversation. If a person asks, I now tell them I have three children, two boys, aged 18 and 20, and a baby girl who died at birth. Terribly tragic things happen. We mothers can survive and we can grow strong. If I can draw strength from being Caroline’s mother, maybe our society can draw strength from acknowledging babies who have died because of stillbirth. I don’t want to make the person with whom I am speaking feel awkward or sad, but I do want to make as many people as possible aware of stillbirth. Maybe then, as a community, we can finally take the steps we need to in order to save babies’ lives.

For more information about stillbirth:

STILLBIRTHFOUNDATION.ORG.AU

Kristina Keneally was the forty-second premier of New South Wales and the first woman to hold the office. She currently serves as a senator.

GIANLIGUORI—GETTY IMAGES

we often attribute that to God: He is all powerful. But strength can come from women’s experiences, especially of surviving pain and suffering in childbirth. This kind of maternal strength is just as powerful as any male notion of strength, and it is just as evident in God who is also like a mother.

But Caroline changed me in other ways too. I was no longer content to do academic research. I realised how short life can be. I felt a real pull to act, not just to think. I wanted to be more practical and less theoretical. I know and value the role of academic work, but I lost the patience to do it.

When I first ran for public office, about four years after Caroline’s birth, I came to appreciate the gifts my daughter had given me. My first preselection battle was tough, but the slings and arrows of political debate barely left a scratch. Having lived through the birth, death and burial of my baby girl, a few gratuitous barbs hardly bothered me. It’s as if I finally understood that line from the Bible, “Blessed are you when people insult you”, for insults meant very little in light of what I had survived.

Today I am in a fortunate position. My two boys are young men and they are confident, hard-working, community-minded and largely self-sufficient. My political career is now in a second phase at the federal level. I have the opportunity, as a new senator, to work on reducing stillbirth.

In the two decades since Caroline’s birth the stillbirth rate in Australia has remained exactly the same: just over six babies a day, 42 babies a week, 2200 babies a year. For every baby who dies of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), 35 will be stillborn.

The rate of SIDS in Australia dropped dramatically—by 85 per cent—as a result of the “Back to Sleep” campaign. The tragedy of stillbirth in Australia is that we have stood still while nations like the Netherlands, Scotland, England and New Zealand have taken steps to dramatically drive down the number of stillbirths and save babies’ lives.

STEPPING UP

ACCEPT YOU ARE HUMAN Acknowledge that you are human and therefore, not perfect. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be everything to everyone and that’s not sustainable. As women, we tend to take on more “helping” work and carry more responsibility for everyone around us. Be deliberate about what you say yes to. Mistakes and failure are all part of the journey; you learn from them and you move up—and up.

Having a baby doesn’t automatically discount you from success and even a promotion at work. You just need the confidence to shine.

DEVELOP YOUR SELF-BELIEF Confidence is built on you accepting yourself and your abilities, and on you having a go and learning along the way. It is built on taking action and making progress and feeling great about that, and about not being afraid to fail. It’s up to you to take the first step, and then a second step and so on. Nothing helps us along the way more than progress and momentum.

Avoid the idea that you have to be all or nothing, because this gets you nowhere.

By Michelle Sales

GET SUPPORT

E

veryone has moments—days, months, years even—when they question their ability to face challenges and when their confidence feels threatened. For women, this can be especially true when it comes to returning to work after maternity leave or juggling a hectic work–family schedule.

We might question our own ability and wonder if we’re really “worth it”. We might start to devalue our skills, knowledge and experience, just because we’ve decided to put family first for a while.

Plus, there are other times when we are just so sleep-deprived it takes all that we have to just show up at work, let alone be confident as well!

Society drums into us that we’re now “not serious” about our careers and others (especially male colleagues or those without kids) start to question our ability to do the job.

So do you really have what it takes to have a serious career and

22

MumsAtTheTable.com

January 2019

family at the same time? The answer, of course, is yes! But how we do it can make all the difference.

Time and time again I see women hold themselves back because they lack a degree of confidence in their ability. When we struggle with this, decision makers in organisations judge us for better or worse. While no-one is immune to bouts of insecurity at work, this doesn’t have to—and shouldn’t—hold us back.

Confidence isn’t based on our actual ability to succeed at a task but on our belief in our ability to succeed. It is the expectation of a positive outcome, regardless of whether this relates to our belief in our ability to speak in front of a large audience, to learn new technology, to lead a team, to manage a new project, to handle confrontation, to change jobs and careers, to go for a promotion or to start a business.

People often think of confidence as something that the lucky

TOM MERTON—GETTY IMAGES

Have people in your support network who will give you honest feedback and call you out if you are trying too hard or not trying at all. Often, we are unable to see this in ourselves and can easily convince ourselves why we aren’t ready for the next step of our career. All it takes is a gentle nudge from a trusted friend or colleague to set us on a better path.

few are born with and the rest are left wishing for. This is not true. Confidence is learnable. It is not a personality trait or a fixed attribute.

Confidence can wax and wane throughout our lives. It’s boosted when we accomplish something great or when we get good feedback from those we trust, and it can take a hit when we fall short of the mark, we feel we’ve got to prove ourselves after an extended break, or we’re criticised, rejected or simply feel a lack of external recognition.

Moving away from being reliant on external affirmation to prop up our self-worth is therefore vital. We must take ownership for the actions needed to sustain our confidence. With consistent effort and the courage to take a risk, we can gradually expand our confidence and with it, our capacity to build more of it. Here’s how you can step up and shine:

REFRAME THE OUTCOME Ask yourself this simple question: What’s the worst that can happen? This is the most common question every successful woman I talk to asks themselves, mostly when they get stuck or are avoiding action. Lack of action is often a result of a loss of confidence, whether momentary or long-standing.

Learn to let go of self-doubt and watch your confidence and success soar.

Michelle Sales is a highly sought-after speaker, trainer, facilitator and coach. She is the author of The Power of Real Confidence, published by Major Street in 2018.

January 2019

MumsAtTheTable.com

23

Stay an employee

Start own busi ness

Looking to take charge of your time and life by starting your own business?

Here’s a guide to help you consider certain things and ask the questions that need to be asked.

By Michelle Gibbings

CHECK HOW FIT YOUR CAREER IS Salim Ismail, the author of Exponential Organizations and an expert in helping organisations leverage technology and strategy to grow faster, suggests, “Today, if you’re not disrupting yourself, someone else is; your fate is to be either the disrupter or the disrupted. There is no middle ground.” While his comments were directed towards organisations, it equally applies to your career.

You need to be comfortable designing and orchestrating your own career path now more than ever. This starts with realistically assessing your career and determining whether you are in a rut or holding on to an unrealistic, outdated view of your career. As well, it’s an opportunity to challenge your view of what’s possible and to consider a future where you create the career options rather than wait for options to come to you.

24

MumsAtTheTable.com

January 2019

FOTOSIPSAK—GETTY IMAGES

MAKING THE CAREER leap

ASK YOURSELF: • • • •

Are you satisfied with where you are at now?

What else could you do to add value to your career?

What further learning do you need to investigate to enhance your career?

What other relationships could you build to advance your insights and connections?

• What does the next step in your career look like?

DITCH THE “SHOULD DO” Being ready to embrace the future means you need to step beyond what’s familiar and comfortable. This is often an internal debate between what you could do and what you should do. Could being something that is unexpected, challenging, risky or slightly left of centre; should being the job that people expect you to do or the job that your beliefs limit you to.

Breaking away from the “should do” means you have to walk away from the expectations of others and shift your expectations of yourself. It starts with

January 2019

MumsAtTheTable.com

25

KNOW HOW TO SAY NO

ASK YOURSELF: • What are the rules (both written and unwritten) I’ve been told about my career and career change?

• Which of those have held me back?

• Which ones have propelled me forward?

• Which ones are no longer relevant?

• Which rules am I prepared to ditch?

• Are there new rules I need to create to help me leap into a new career and stay professionally relevant?

FIND YOUR WHY

TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR FUTURE Research shows there are correlations between proactive personality types and career success.

A proactive personality is defined as a tendency to seek to change one’s environment, not be constrained by situational forces, and to seek out new and different opportunities and show initiative.

By being proactive, you are taking control and making sure you remain firmly in the driver’s seat of your career. As part of your career planning take some time to: • Explore your options. Understand your tolerance for change and risk as it relates to your career, identify your strengths and know how the world of work is changing to be able to identify options you can progress.

• Deliberately select what you will progress. Filter your options to find your sweet spot—the options that fit with your life circumstances, goals and willingness to take a risk.

• Construct a plan to follow. Build your plan to execute your career leap. This includes considering all the key elements that need to be in place to make it happen and how you are going to target and measure your progress.

• Influence how you enter the market. First impressions count; not just face-to-face but also online. In fact, it’s now more than likely your first encounter will be online. You

MumsAtTheTable.com

A key part of avoiding burn-out and maintaining progress when making a career change and juggling parenthood is learning to say no with conviction. Acclaimed author Paulo Coelho said, “When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.”

This doesn’t mean you say no without careful thought. Rather it’s about saying no with consideration of others and compassion for them and yourself.

When you are faced with this dilemma ask yourself: What’s the right thing to do for you, with consideration of others?

January 2019

As you build your business and make your career leap you will have good days and not so good days. Consequently, managing your energy is critical. You may not notice the impact that the working environment is having on you, unless you stop and prioritise taking care of yourself. As you juggle constant demands and pressures, your brain will be on overdrive as it is constantly solving new problems.

It can help to: • Map out your schedule and include time for you. Put this in your schedule and commit to it. When you are busy it can be hard to prioritise yourself. However, your body needs time to rejuvenate to ensure it operates at peak performance.

• Don’t waste your energy on things outside your control.

Stephen Covey, in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, explained how you are far better to focus your energy on those matters you can influence. However, we often spend our energy on things we are concerned about, but have little or no influence on. Recognising and accepting the difference is a crucial step in directing your energy positively.

• Establish core rituals and new habits, which may include a weekly massage, listening to music or a daily run. Pick something you really enjoy doing and is revitalising for your body and soul. When you create a habit it becomes much easier to keep doing it.

The legendary actress Mae West once FREE said, “You only live once. But if you do it PRINTAB LE right, once is enough!”

“BUSINE SS START -UP CHECKLIS T” AVAILAB LE FOR DOWNLO AD MumsAtT heTable.c om /freestuff

Michelle Gibbings is a change leadership and career expert, and founder of Change Meridian. She is the author of Step Up: How to Build Your Influence at Work and Career Leap: How to Reinvent and Liberate your Career.

social find us @MumsAtTheTable

MAKE EACH DAY MATTER

Doing this helps to identify your purpose: why you do what you do. When you put your “why” at the centre of your decisionmaking you are considering your career choices as part of your whole life, including: • Family, friends and colleagues • Health and happiness • Spiritual fulfilment • Community and societal needs • Personal and lifestyle goals Finding your purpose—your why—isn’t simple. There’s no magic formula and you don't find it just sitting around. It is an iterative process that involves a bit of soul-searching and paying attention to what matters to you and motivates you.

26

GET

need to build your online presence as well as manage your network in a way that suits your career leap destination.

WHAT'S ON OUR SHOW THIS MONTH?

Did you know we have a Facebook community where you can join in the conversation on our show segments, magazine articles and much more?

Recently, we asked our members:

WHAT WILL YOU DO WHEN YOUR CHILD STARTS SWEARING?

6 JANUARY

• •

Your healthiest holiday season ever.

Landscape photographer Ken Duncan on nature, photography and his Christian faith.

13 JANUARY

• •

Why you should consider messy play (even if you’re a clean freak).

A non-surgical solution for chronic period pain.

SENSORSPOT—GETTYIMAGES

ditching any unhelpful internal dialogue you say to yourself about your career that may be holding you back or hindering you.

$#%*!

20 JANUARY

• •

Are heavy school bags causing permanent damage to your kids?

Father-daughter relationships and how to make them thrive.

Rachel: Louise, I thought I would play it cool too and I totally failed. I

27 JANUARY

• •

Are you a people pleaser?

How to keep your marriage strong after having kids.

CATCH US AT 8.30 am every Sunday (Australia)

9.30 am every Monday and 11.30 am every Saturday (Australia)

Louise: I’m hoping I’ll play it cool, but who am I kidding?!

youtube.com /MumsAtTheTable

hope you do better than I have!

Sarah: We actually discussed this the other day. I said that they’re just words and it’s not necessarily the word that was the problem, but the intention behind it. So I said if they swear, I won’t necessarily be upset with them for using the word, but more the reason they used it. Words are just words at the end of the day.

HopeChannel (New Zealand) Check website for times

Content accurate at the time of printing but may be subject to change.

FOR MORE

MUMSATTHETABLE

January 2019

MUMSATTHETABLE

MumsAtTheTable.com

27

Building

WELLBEING with Collett

RESILIENCE

IN CHILDREN

HOW CHARITY WORK HELPS YOUR CHILD

W

PARENTING WORKSHOP

SUITABLE FOR PARENTS WITH PRESCHOOLERS, TWEENS OR TEENAGERS Find out how you can strengthen and build resilience in your children with Mums At The Table’s resident psychologist, qualified teacher and author, Collett Smart.

THERE WILL BE THE OPPORTUNITY TO PURCHASE COLLETT’S LATEST BOOK, THEY'LL BE OKAY: 15 CONVERSATIONS TO HELP YOUR CHILD THROUGH TROUBLED TIMES DURING THE WORKSHOP.

COLLETT She’s an author, mum of three and psychologist. Watch Collett Smart share ways mums can look after their own wellbeing on the Mums At The Table TV show.

FOR MORE

MumsAtTheTable

28

MumsAtTheTable.com

January 2019

PROUDLY BROUGHT TO YOU BY

SYDNEY, MARCH 2019

MumsAtTheTable

WAVEBREAKMEDIA—GETTY IMAGES

e now know that volunteering is good for both the mind and the body, because it builds community and diminishes loneliness by reducing stress and social isolation, while also developing a solid support system. It enhances social skills, builds mental strength, and increases self-confidence and life satisfaction. It has even been shown to lessen symptoms of chronic pain and heart disease. But more importantly, volunteering teaches us that everyone is valuable, thus developing ethical behaviour.

It is only in recent years that we’ve begun to understand the importance of Emotional Intelligence (EI). Where brain smarts (or IQ) help us get a job, it is EI or the “soft skills” that help us keep our jobs—or at least succeed in our vocation. Even tertiary institutions have begun recognising that kids who have an outward-looking mindset often possess stronger EI and develop those important soft skills. (Of course, doing volunteer work for the sake of obtaining personal gains defeats the purpose.)

Children who volunteer are more likely to grow up to be adults with these skills. Family volunteering ideas need not be onerous. Perhaps pick one or two a year that strengthen your family values and fit in with your children’s ages and routines.

Ideas include: • Donate to a food pantry—children can help choose items.

• Create Christmas boxes for charities.

• Walk or run to raise funds to fight a disease.

• Put together books, toys, games or activity boxes for children at a local hospital.

• Take muffins to the staff on duty on public holidays at nursing homes, or fire or police stations.

• Clean up your local park, neighbourhood or beach (supervise your children closely).

• Deliver meals to an elderly neighbour or someone who is ill.

• Help look after a neighbour’s pet or do respite care at local animal shelters.

• Support and become involved with advocacy groups.

When charity work becomes part of your family habit, it teaches children about the value of others.

They’ll Be Okay is the must-have book for parents of young people who want to keep their children safe, whole and happy. If you're a parent who feels like you just don't know how to talk to your children about some of life’s more difficult topics, this book has all the tools you need. Subjects include pornography, misogyny and harassment, objectification and body image, emotional intelligence and more.

For more information or to register your interest: MumsAtTheTable.com/CollettSmartWorkshop

Grief

W

T O N WILL

define me

strength to carry on.

30

MumsAtTheTable.com

January 2019

SUPPLIED

Lisa Gallate experienced multiple family deaths, but has found the

e all experience pivotal moments in our lives when time is suspended, Earth stops spinning and our lives are forever changed. These moments might be incredible celebrations of pure joy or the most despairing challenges that throw our lives into complete chaos. They are moments that define us and we never forget them.

I feel very privileged to have experienced incredible moments of unbridled joy and celebration. But I have also been through the most desperate moments when all sense of reality is lost and I have been totally engulfed by the darkness that death throws at the bereaved, just as it snatched my loved ones away from me. It snatched and grabbed, without a backward glance.

My sister Zoie and her partner, James, both died in a horrific car accident when I was just 19 years old. I had never experienced the grief of losing a loved one before and it ripped me apart to my core. Zoie and James had died in the most sudden, cruel and violent circumstances. I struggled to accept what had happened. It was totally incomprehensible to me that our families should lose Zoie and James when they were such young, vibrant, kind and gregarious adults with their whole lives ahead of them. Our own lives would never be the same again without the joy and privilege of being able to share them with Zoie and James.

Over time, I developed my own skillset to bear my grief, which seemed to travel with me wherever I went. Unbeknownst to me, and only several years after losing Zoie and James, my first husband would suffer the most overwhelming and unrelenting depression.

He could not get past it or through it, and yet it defied belief that he thought he could self-manage the torture of his mental illness.

On the same day that the clock went forward an hour for daylight saving—so the daylight lingers long into the night over the summer months—my husband took his own life. It was so heartbreaking that this young man, a very talented solicitor and advocate with incredible commercial acumen, should be denied a long, happy and healthy life. I again struggled to deal with my grief. It was beyond understanding, I could not shake it, rationalise it, reason with it or dispel it.

Around the same time that my husband died, my younger brother Justin was also

dealing with his own gigantic health struggle—he was diagnosed with brain cancer. Justin was a dedicated officer and dog handler with the New Zealand Police Force, and he and his police dog Sabre had many “catches”. Justin once risked his own life to save the life of another and was awarded the Royal Humane Society medal for his bravery. He was married with a baby boy.

At the time, I refused to believe that brain cancer would claim his life. He was such a physically strong and incredibly fit and active man, and I desperately wanted to believe that he would beat this cruel and vicious invasion into his body and his life. I have never been so wrong. Instead of beating the cancer, the disease took my brother from us. Justin was denied the justice that he deserved, for the exemplary life of kindness, fairness, good natured fun and love that he had shown everyone who had the pleasure of knowing him. We were all left devastated.

Since the death of my brother, I have sought to rebuild my life and remarry, and build my own family. In doing so, I have suffered the silent but heartbreaking loss of multiple miscarriages. It is the word that no-one wants to hear or share but miscarriage can create as much pain, sadness and grief as might any other loss.

It is a tragedy that in our modern society, where social media exposes every facet of the human experience to the global universe, that miscarriage and grief are still taboo words.

I have also watched the slow and silent demise of my mother to Alzheimer’s disease and Parkinson’s. It is an insidious experience for her and her family. My mother has slowly lost her identity as everything that personifies her is stripped away. My mother was always a very gracious and feminine lady, who loved wearing colourful dresses, makeup and bright lipsticks, and nail polish on her long, elegant fingers to match. But the final hours of this long goodbye will not afford my mum any dignity or grace in her passing.

There have been many other challenges in my life that have confronted me and made me question every aspect of my being, but none more so than facing and coming to terms with the deaths within my family. I have had to learn how to live without them and learn how to live with my grief.

Even now, my grief sits quietly on my shoulder and can make itself known to me at any time of the day or night. It has no calendar and no time limit. What I do know is that my grief will always be with me but I will not let it define me.

I have, thankfully, discovered some central themes to my grief experience that have helped me to manage, to live, to dream, to vision and to convert my grief into energy that motivates and inspires me into action to lead the best possible life that I can.

If you or someone you know needs help, contact:

LIFELINE 13 11 14 AUSTRALIA

0800 54 33 54 NEW ZEALAND Lisa Gallate is a senior commercial litigator and class action lawyer with a top tier global law firm. She is also the author of Hitting My Reset, a memoir on grief and how to make it fit your life. She lives on the beautiful northern beaches of Sydney with her husband and three children.

January 2019

MumsAtTheTable.com

31

FOR MUMS

PRIMARY

PRESCHOOL

BOOK CORNER

32

ABC WHAT CAN SHE BE? Sugar Snap Studio and Jessie Ford Quarto Publishing Group $19.99

WIN

Perfect for the child who always feels left out. Told with sweet humour, this book empathises with the sense of invisibility and loneliness a shy and quiet child may have, and how special friends can make us feel. And then it reminds us we can be that friend who makes a difference to someone who feels invisible.

SKYWARD

THE SHORT & CURLY GUIDE TO LIFE

Sally Deng Flying Eye Books $27.99

Filled with lovely illustrations, this large-format picture book will likely appeal to both boys and girls. With World War II as a backdrop, the story follows the lives of three different women in three different countries, and how they defied the odds and discrimination to fulfil their dreams to become pilots.

THE BAREFOOT INVESTOR FOR FAMILIES Scott Pape HarperCollins Publishers $29.99

Written in the author’s familiar, easy-to-understand manner, this is an invaluable resource for any family with children (of any age). Even if you are fairly confident with money matters, you will find that this book can still provide you with techniques to be smarter with it, and best of all, with the tools to impart financial literacy to your children. All the research has even been done for you, so all you really need to do is implement the changes! Good, old-fashioned and independent advice that will set your children up for life financially.

January 2019

Britta Teckentrup Caterpillar Books $24.99

Adam Wallace & Giuseppe Poli EK Books $24.99

Every girl needs to have this book. It not only teaches them the alphabet, it shows them their gender does not mean they need to fit into a particular career path. Bright colours, cute illustrations, but above all, diversity is amply represented in this book, from race, religion and to those with a disability.

MumsAtTheTable.com

WE ARE TOGETHER

INVISIBLE JERRY

Dr Matt Beard, Kyla Slaven, Simon Greiner Puffin Books $24.99 A brilliant resource to encourage your children to think deeply about ethical dilemmas. Using humour, it allows them to grapple with the tough questions and explore the possibilities and consequences of their choices.

What is sorely missing, however, is a Christian and biblical viewpoint—but this could be where you, as a parent, can come in.

WIN

ALL THE WAY HOME

WIN

Debi Gliori Bloomsbury Children’s Books $14.99

While the cut-out holes within the pages don’t quite line up with the images behind them, it’s a novel concept for a picture book. Vibrant illustrations help teach children the values of friendship and teamwork, and the rhyming text makes this a fun book to read out loud.

Incredibly sweet, this little fantastical story tells of the special bond between father and child. The combination of colours, fonts and illustrations make the book highly appealing to little ones. (Depending on your beliefs, you should also know that Santa makes a special appearance in the book.)

AN ANTHOLOGY OF INTRIGUING ANIMALS

THE DOG WHO LOST HIS BARK

Ben Hoare DK $39.99

In the Wikipedia-era, an encyclopedia such as this may seem redundant.

However, this is still a lovely gift for an animal-obsessed, book-loving child. It’s beautifully presented, filled with great photography and cute illustrations, and is written in a tone that makes it easy for a primary-aged kid to understand.

DEFIANT JOY Stasi Eldredge Thomas Nelson $24.99

There is an undercurrent of sadness throughout the book, but there are also hints of strength and rebelliousness. All the things that could make us sad are in this book: death, loneliness, uncertainty, envy, failure . . . and are addressed with an open honesty. Stasi shares her struggles, but also her insights on how God can give us hope and happiness—a joy that defies the odds. A book that will make you feel you aren’t alone in your suffering and act like a balm for your hurting soul.

Eoin Colfer & P J Lynch Walker Books $19.99

WIN

Beautifully written. The storyline will grab you and warm your heart. There will be tears, but there will also be smiles. A wonderful story about a boy and an abandoned dog, and the amazing healing power of a strong and loving bond. Accompanied by charming pencil illustrations.

WINEN'S

CHILDR S! BOOK

g parentin on your ry if to s d l n a ence a person or experi e Submit a thoughts we’ll send you th , y e rn u jo , ry to ! s e g our n this pa we use y atured o books fe te to us at Wri le.com tTheTab MumsA l@ a ri o edit

January 2019

MumsAtTheTable.com

33

MUMS AT THE TABLE MAGAZINE

There is no shame

REAL WOMEN | REAL CONVERSATIONS | REAL ISSUES

By Megan Jaworski

T

Megan Jaworski is a mother of two toddler boys, a lover of ethical chocolate and fashion, a teacher and a mindset specialist coach at meganjaworski.com.

If you or someone you know needs help, contact:

LIFELINE 13 11 14 AUSTRALIA

0800 54 33 54 NEW ZEALAND

FINISHED WITH THIS MAGAZINE? PASS IT ON TO YOUR FRIENDS! 34

MumsAtTheTable.com

January 2019

F RE E*

Y MONTHL COPY!

Join the mums at The Table community today and enjoy: A monthly magazine delivered for free to *your mailbox

* This week’s best videos emailed to you

sign up now @

om .c e l b a T e h T t A s Mum

Bulk copies available for mothers’ or play groups.

EMAIL Julie@MumsAtTheTable.com PHONE +61 2 9847 2222

MARJAN APOSTOLOVIC—GETTY IMAGES

here is no shame in admitting you need help.

There is no shame in admitting you have feelings of depression.

There is no shame in admitting you feel anxious.

There is no shame in seeking out a better way to live.

Yet so many women suffer in silence.

I’ve spoken to countless women who have shared of their struggles, their endless tears, thoughts of unworthiness to raise their children, feelings of inadequacy as a wife and how they even wondered if their existence is worth it. Getting out of bed is a struggle, joy is something of the past and leaving the house creates more stress than it’s worth.

I see you crying into your pillow. I hear your unspoken words of guilt and shame as you try to make sense of it all. I feel your hurt and unanswered question of “Why am I feeling this way when I have so much to be thankful for?”

All of these feelings are valid. All these feelings don’t diminish who you are as a person, woman, mother, wife, daughter and friend. And you don’t have to deal with what you’re feeling alone.

Even though you’re probably feeling alone.

Brene Brown, a leading researcher on shame, says that our shame diminishes when spoken. So speak about it with someone you trust—your partner, a friend or even blurt it out to a stranger.

The very act of speaking about it is the first step in getting help for it.

There is help available at the tip of your finger. Call someone or seek a professional to help you work through it. A friend or partner is a great sounding board, but if your feelings are hurting you and your family and are overwhelming, then a professional person is the best place to start on your healing journey.

It's time to break the silence and stigma. Reach out, you’d be surprised how many people truly care and will support you through this, because you’re worth more than the silence of your shame.

You don’t have to live like this. There is a light through the darkness. And believe it or not, that light is within you, ready to shine once more.

Mums At The Table magazines are complimentary thanks to the generous support of your Mums At The Table community. To help encourage more women through Mums At The Table TV shows, magazines and our online community, go to MumsAtTheTable.com/donate.

YES! I would like to receive a free Mums At The Table magazine every month!

Name Address Town/Suburb

State

Email Phone

Mobile

Postcode

Mail coupon to: Mums At The Table PO Box 1115, Wahroonga NSW 2076 Subscribe online: MumsAtTheTable.com

Please print clearly to avoid mail difficulties.

*Mums At The Table is produced by Adventist Media, which is supported by the Adventist Media Network Cultural Trust. Donations through the Adventist Media Network Cultural Trust are tax-deductible. The Trust provides funds for the creation of new TV shows and magazines.