Mums At The Table - October 2018

THE TOUGH ISSUE REAL WOMEN | REAL CONVERSATIONS | REAL ISSUES

OCTOBER 2018

SHOULD YOU

SMACK YOUR CHILD?

TIPS FOR

STEP-PARENTS

RAISING

strong kids

AS SEEN ON NEW ZEALAND

REAL WOMEN | REAL CONVERSATIONS | REAL ISSUES

contents

Jo in us

OCTOBER 2018

just for you

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14 IN THE GRIP OF FEAR A dying child: a mother’s faith.

24 WHEN A HOME ISN’T HOME How the labels we place on children can hurt them.

30 MAKING BEESWAX WRAPS

They’re great for the environment and your kitchen too!

32 BOOK CORNER

parenting

6 HOME HACKS Keeping children entertained and drawing circles.

8 THE TROUBLES KIDS FACE TODAY 11 BUILDING YOUR CHILD’S RESILIENCE How to raise strong kids to face today’s challenges.

18 SHOULD WE SMACK?

What the Bible says when it comes to discipline.

21 WOULD YOU . . .

Discipline another parent’s child?

34 TIPS FOR NEW STEPPARENTS

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PANELLISTS Fiona, Rachel, Shona, Melody, Rachel and Maryellen discuss a range of topics including current events, issues and family life.

28 WELLBEING WITH COLLETT What if my child is the bully?

food & wellbeing 12 ASK THE EXPERTS 22 COOKING WITH GIA & OLIVE Baked sweet potato enchiladas; chocolate almond butter chia bars; peanut butter smoothie.

PLUS healthy recipes, exercise tips, DIY projects and awesome hacks for around the home.

find us on social media @MumsAtTheTable

#MumsAtTheTable

MumsAtTheTable.com

EDITOR Melody Tan

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COVER PHOTO

by Studio Grand Quest—Getty

VOLUME 2 NUMBER 10 The Tough Issue

COPYEDITOR Tracey Bridcutt 150 Fox Valley Road Wahroonga NSW 2076 MumsAtTheTable.com

@ MumsAtTheTable

GRAPHIC DESIGN Theodora Amuimuia

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s r e t let

from the

October

I

editor

editor

TO THE

t started off as nothing more than a novel I had to read for the book corner section of this magazine.

Then I found my heart breaking for the lead character, 12-year-old Sophie, so innocent and yet so mature beyond her years, whose transformation to drug-addicted school dropout would have been easily prevented if only someone took—or had—the time to love and care for her.

The novel, Stone Girl, opened up a world to me that I had only vague notions about: out-of-home care children. My mother-in-law spent years as a foster mum to such children and her stories always gave me the impression these kids, despite their rough background, were at least loved and cared for by someone, even if it weren’t their parents. How wrong I was.

Stone Girl revealed a whole other group of children: those who are constantly being moved around the city, living in different boarding house-like environments because there just aren’t enough foster parents. And when I say boarding house, think more Lord of the Flies than Malory Towers. It was a difficult reality to come to grips with, especially knowing the ones impacted are young children with so much potential and in need of an incredible amount of parental love and guidance that they will never receive.

Like Eleni Hale, author of Stone Girl, I believe these children’s stories need to be told and heard. I am often guilty of living in my own entitled bubble, hastily dismissing those who are a little too loud, a little too different. These young people face a tough future without us making it harder for them. And so I talked to Eleni and a youth care worker, and hope to give you an insight into the lives of these children (see page 24).

Perhaps becoming a mother has softened me, but these children need to know the loving patience of mums too.

We have copies of your magazine at our school.

They are on display at the front office for anyone to take and also distributed to classes for the students to take home for their parents. Thank you so much for the great work you are doing. There are many inspirational things in the magazine, which I’ve enjoyed reading.

—Hopal

Letter of the Month

A few months ago, my osteopath asked me about Mums At The Table magazine, as a patient of his had given him a copy and he wanted more to give out to his patients! I have organised this so he receives at least 12 a month and loves the high quality, the research and the professionalism that goes into producing this excellent magazine. I have seen with my own eyes patients receiving them immediately when I come in with a fresh supply, and thanking me for sharing them.

POGANIA—ISTOCK

Melody

Please thank the team for producing such a beautiful, informative magazine that is a real joy to share with the public.

— Zita

Keep up the great work you and the team do. My wife loves your magazine and shares it with her friends in her mothers’ group.

—Matthew

Your beautiful magazine, Mums At The Table, is a lovely addition to the positive information that we try to share with our families here at our early learning centre. Congratulations on a beautifully put together magazine, with relevant, on topic issues.

—Joylene

Drop us a line and win a gift!

What did we get right? What can we do better? What are the conversations you're having? What are the issues you're facing? The author of our letter of the month wins a free copy of Reflections, an adult colouring book featuring hand-drawn Bible verses and designs! Write to us at editorial@thetabletv.com.

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home HACKS

AS SEEN ON NEW ZEALAND

Drawing circles with . . .

PENS AND PAPERCLIPS

Keeping children entertained SOLUTION: “I’M BORED” JAR

Materials

On ice-cream sticks, write down activities your child can do, one activity per stick. You can go all out and use coloured sticks for added attractiveness. Put ice-cream sticks in a jar and label it the “I’m Bored” jar. The next time your child comes to you complaining of being bored, send them in the direction of the jar.

some suggessted activities read a book

tidy your bedroom do one job

AN ERASER AND RUBBER BANDS

draw something paint something

make a gif t for someone make homemade bubbles make cupcakes

water the plants

find shapes in clouds walk the dog

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HOME HACKS

Time-saving easy projects to bring some sanity back to your life. Watch how we make these and other hacks on the Mums At The Table TV show.

FOR MORE

MumsAtTheTable

MumsAtTheTable

October 2018

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IMAGES TAKEN BY DANIEL KUBEREK

HOW-TO

PENCILS AND RUBBER BANDS

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THE TROUBLES KIDS FACE TODAY M

Are we seeing a generation of increasingly fragile kids in need of toughening up?

ALEUTIE—GETTY IMAGES

By Susie Mogg

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edia commentators today often talk about “cotton wool” kids who aren’t allowed to take risks, make mistakes or problem solve in the face of challenging situations. We also hear about the sense of entitlement of children, used to having everything done for them, and kids who spend more time on screens than playing freely and unsupervised outside. Frequently, articles introduce us to labels such as “helicopter parents” who overprotect their children or “lawnmower parents” who remove all obstacles to ensure their children’s success.

Yet, despite efforts to protect our kids, statistics suggest we may be moving backwards. More adolescents and young adults than ever before are experiencing mental illness, part of the epidemic spreading across the developed world. According to beyondblue.org.au, 14 per cent of Australian children and adolescents aged four to 17 have mental health or behavioural problems, and the trend is increasing.

What are the underlying causes of this fragility? This has been caused in part by our risk-averse culture and the media, which gives us constant reminders of the many dangers our children face. Bad news travels fast, even more so when children are involved, causing some of us to go overboard to keep them safe.

Parents are also under a lot of pressure, including relationship, job, financial and time, and we, too, are experiencing unprecedented levels of mental illness.

Kids are also busier in a more structured way than they have

been in the past. Many participate in multiple extra-curricular activities and are pushed to achieve more than their parents ever did. This is driven in part by social media and the competitive nature of modern culture, which leads to many of us feeling pressured to have the perfect Instagram or Facebook family.

Because of all of this, kids have much less unstructured free play than in the past. This can prevent them from learning how to be creative, problem solve, make decisions, build relationships and negotiate, leading to what appears to be their overall fragility and inability to function independently.

The two styles of parenting—helicopter and lawnmower— come from a place of good intent: wanting to keep our children safe and to help them be the best they can be. But unfortunately the methods used to achieve this are often counter-productive and add to the problems kids face today. Helicopter parents can prevent kids from taking their own risks and working out for themselves what is safe and what they are capable of. They can also prevent children from learning how to problem solve, make decisions and experience the sense of mastery and self-worth that comes from being given greater levels of independence and responsibility. Lawnmower parents can prevent their kids from experiencing and learning from failure and from learning that they can get better at things through hard work and effort.

At the same time, the social and emotional skills kids need to draw upon to help them become less fragile are not consistently taught in all schools and preschools. Many parents are also not

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There are multiple skills for parents and children to master when it comes to helping them be more resilient. Here are my top three:

EMOTION COACHING Psychological researcher Dr John Gottman’s model of emotion coaching involves helping children recognise, understand and express their emotions with five steps: 1. Be aware of your child’s emotions 2. Recognise your child’s expression of emotion as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching 3. Listen with empathy and validate your child’s feelings 4. Help your child learn to label their emotions with words 5. Set limits when you are helping your child to solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately

INDEPENDENCE Giving children independence enables them to gain first-hand knowledge of how to do something. It teaches them self-discipline, allows them to achieve a sense of mastery and enhances their sense of selfworth. Independence leads to responsibility, which in turn is confidence building. Giving independence involves parents understanding kids’ developmental milestones, so they know when it is appropriate for them to take on new responsibilities.

GROWTH MINDSET Dr Carol Dweck, a psychology professor from Stanford University, tells us that kids with a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset believe they can get better at something with hard work. She says that rather than praising kids for being smart or talented, parents should encourage them based on their effort. Dr Carol talks about the power of “yet”: “I can’t do cartwheels” becomes “I can’t do cartwheels . . . yet”.

Susie Mogg has more than 20 years experience in senior level roles in large corporate organisations and has more recently devoted her career to the study of resilience. She has two young children.

TRY THIS: • Next time your child

•

•

expresses their emotions, extend their vocabulary by helping them to label these feelings. Then validate their emotions by playing back what you have heard—this doesn’t mean you are agreeing with them!

Challenge yourself to think about how you are currently “rescuing” your child. Come up with a list of things they can start to do by themselves and teach them how to do them.

Practise encouraging your child based on the hard work and effort they have put into something, rather than on their innate talent.

For help developing other skills to build resilience

RESILIENCEINKIDS.COM.AU

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TIEKIOBER—GETTY IMAGES

well-versed in what these skills are and how to teach them, nor do they necessarily have the capacity to add this to their own busy schedules. Children are also wired differently, with some being more inherently able to deal with tough times than others.

It is generally believed things are harder for kids now than they have ever been before. We often hear about the unprecedented rate of technological change, the increasingly volatile, complex and ambiguous world they inhabit, and the breakdown of communities meaning a village no longer raises a child.

But do kids really face a more difficult life today? While they are undoubtedly facing new challenges, it is normal to feel that today’s challenges are more threatening than any before us. We

BUILDING YOUR CHILD'S E C N E I L I S E R

PIJAMA61—GETTY IMAGES

Parents should [be] preparing the child for the road, not preparing the road for the child.

should also remember that this is typically felt every time there is a significant cultural shift, as we are experiencing right now.

Societies have experienced far greater challenges in the past and have mostly come through these stronger than before.

Does all this mean kids today are simply too fragile and need to toughen up?

The word tough is often defined as: “strong enough to withstand adverse conditions or rough handling” or “able to endure hardship or pain” (adjective) and “endure a period of hardship or difficulty” (verb). If we go with these definitions, then yes, toughening up would be good for kids’ development.

That said, the definition goes on to indicate that tough is also about “demonstrating a strict or uncompromising approach” or being “strong and prone to violence” (adjective) and being “rough and violent” (noun). When applied to people, we can imagine them as being Teflon-coated, unwavering, hard, physically strong and emotionally aggressive.

This is not what we want our kids, nor their parents, to be!

Tough can also conjure up images of common Aussie sayings such as “Toughen up princess!”, which can shut our kids down when they are trying to express how they are feeling. It can also give the illusion that being less fragile means not crying. Again, this isn’t what we want for our kids, as being in touch with their emotions is important for their mental wellbeing.

There is talk these days of “mental toughness” and while this may sound like something that would benefit today’s kids, the term has short-term connotations and feels more appropriate when applied to a one-off event: “Do you have the mental toughness to run a marathon?”

I believe a better solution is for kids to become more resilient, rather than tougher (although the word resilient is in this case synonymous with the word tough). Resilience is about responding with confidence to challenges. The process of building resilience is long-term, one we follow right through our lives.

We can’t blame children for being too fragile—they are growing and developing and are doing their best to ensure their needs are met in whatever environmental context they end up in. The real opportunity to help them become more resilient sits with parents. Parents need to be taught how to be resilient themselves, so they can model this to their kids. They also need to be taught the skills of a resilient child, so they can help teach these.

There is also an opportunity for parents to challenge modern culture and buy in less to today’s concerns: the kids will be alright!

Instead of spending their energy hovering over their kids and removing all obstacles from their path, parents should redirect their efforts to preparing the child for the road, not preparing the road for the child.

Parents are not alone in needing to provide resilience coaching to kids; an opportunity also sits with schools. All kids should have the opportunity to learn these skills at school. They should also have access to more therapeutic-based solutions where they can explore these critical social and emotional skills in a safe environment.

FREE PRINTABLE “FEELINGS WORD LIST” AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD MumsAtTheTable.com /freestuff

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e h t k as experts

Q Ever since she heard a sermon that the world is ending and Jesus is returning soon, my sevenyear-old daughter has been extremely anxious.

What can I do to allay her fears? Claire, via email

OUR PANEL:

HEATHER WINTER MIDWIFE SYDNEY ADVENTIST HOSPITAL

NEIL GINSBERG PAEDIATRICIAN SYDNEY ADVENTIST HOSPITAL

TRISH GUY KAREN HOLFORD ANDREW DARON PRATT NUTRITIONIST FAMILY COUNSELLOR PENNINGTON KIDS' CHAPLAIN SANITARIUM HEALTH HEARTWORDS GP SEVENTH-DAY & WELLBEING SANCTUARY LIFESTYLE ADVENTIST CHURCH CLINIC

As parents, we need to make sure they understand who Jesus is and the love and assurance found in Him above all else. They need to hear this early and regularly to counter anxiety caused by what they hear.

They need to know that Jesus loves them and will take them to heaven. Keep it simple and brief and do not get caught up in the detail, conspiracy theories or scenarios. The following ideas will help:

PETER WOOD OBSTETRICIANGYNAECOLOGIST SYDNEY ADVENTIST HOSPITAL

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Q Throughout my pregnancy, I was a little forgetful about doing Kegel exercises. My child is now three. Is it too late?

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Laura, via email

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• ANETLANDA, SASII STOCK, STOCK COLOURS—GETTY IMAGES

It is never too late to do Kegel pelvic floor muscle exercises, regardless of how long it has been since you had your bundle of joy.

With up to 30 per cent of women experiencing slight bladder leakage when they sneeze, cough or laugh at some time in their lives thanks to pregnancy and childbirth, surgery, ageing or obesity, getting into the habit of doing pelvic floor exercises regularly can be a great preventative measure.

Repeatedly contracting and relaxing the pelvic floor muscles (the muscles that you contract to hold urine in when you’re busting to go) can be done discreetly while sitting at work, watching TV or even while standing in the checkout queue.

One set of exercises includes 10 quick contract and release and five contractions that hold for 10 seconds. Repeating each set three times a day will soon lead to improvements. —Peter

•

Be age appropriate. While one parent might think their five-year-old is ready to hear about what the Bible says about the end of the world, another may want to wait until their child is 10 before bringing up these subjects. You know your child best.

Debrief regularly. Do it in such a way that they will share their fears and concerns. This comes out of the right relationship with our child and time spent with them. Keep on emphasising a God of love, grace, forgiveness and acceptance.

Repetition is key. Remember that teaching your children about these things doesn’t have to be a one-off event.

Teach grace and relationship. Be sure that everything you teach and do with children points them towards salvation through the grace of Jesus. Help children understand what Jesus did for them on the cross and what He is doing for them right now, the assurance He gives and that He will never leave them or forsake them. Keep the focus on the wonderful future God has promised.

Give context. Help children understand the war between Christ and Satan and how it impacts their lives every day and that God is there for them no matter what. God wins every time. —Daron

Q I am planning an edible garden for a more self-sufficient lifestyle. What natural medicine plants would you recommend for a healthy, balanced diet?

Lyndall, via Instagram

This level of detail is not my area, but you should be praised for starting a garden (the benefits of gardening per se are positive) and trying to add a greater variety of plant foods to your meals. Well done! —Trish

SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION TO OUR PANEL OF EXPERTS Write to us at: editorial@ thetabletv.com THE INFORMATION PROVIDED IS GENERAL IN NATURE AND DOES NOT TAKE INTO ACCOUNT YOUR PERSONAL SITUATION. YOU SHOULD CONSIDER WHETHER THE INFORMATION IS APPROPRIATE TO YOUR NEEDS, AND WHERE APPROPRIATE, SEEK PROFESSIONAL ADVICE.

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What happens when your child is on his deathbed, labelled “failure to thrive”?

How do you still trust God?

OF FEAR 14

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Life was sleepless, of course, but good. That was normal. But as Fraser approached six weeks, Jayne noticed a familiar pattern.

She had seen this before. She had lived through all the fear once before. No. Not again.

“I took him to the doctor for a checkup. When they weighed him, I knew before they even said it,” Jayne remembered. “I hated the words failure to thrive. Olivia also had been healthy at birth,

PATCHA1984—GETTY IMAGES

W

hen Fraser had been born, he was a healthy boy—4.3 kilograms. The first six weeks of his life were joyful chaos as Adrian and Jayne adapted to parenting four children. Adrian worked as a full-time firefighter and part-time pastor of a local church just outside of London. Jayne stayed home managing the children and the household, juggling all the schedules of a busy family.

By Christine Caine

but at six weeks, quit thriving. One emergency room visit turned into six months of intense hospital trips and treatments. But she pulled through and lived to welcome her baby brother into this world. How could we go through this again? He had been so healthy for weeks. A perfectly normal baby.”

Day after day, week after week, Fraser didn’t put on even a gram of weight. At six months old, he weighed exactly the same

as at birth. His skin was blotchy. His stomach was swollen like a starving child. Every day felt like death was lingering, ready to swallow him, until one day it pounced.

“As we raced him to the hospital,” Adrian recalled, “we had no idea if he would live or if he could live. As Jayne held Fraser’s tiny body, even though she and I weren’t holding each other physically, we were locked into this together. We didn’t understand any of it, but we trusted God as we always had.”

Throughout their ordeal, Adrian and Jayne trusted God in every minute of every day. They had to trust that every time Fraser took a breath, he’d take the next one. That level of trust is what God wants us to be anchored in all the time. When we expect instead of worry, then we can live with a heart full of hope.

When we anticipate the best, instead of the worst, we can live faith-filled every day. I believe God wants to teach us practical ways to trust Him more in our everyday lives so that we won’t live holding back. But, to be freed from this kind of fear, we will have to let Him lead us one growth step at a time. That’s what He did for Adrian and Jayne, and He started teaching them long before Fraser was born.

“Adrian was a firefighter and the station where he worked was just a few blocks away,” Jayne explained. “Early in our marriage, I would always hear the sirens blare when they got a call, and fear would grip me. I remember one day telling myself I just couldn’t let fear rule over me like that. It was exhausting me. God spoke to me from the Bible, and it became a promise for me to cling to about Adrian: ‘When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze’ (Isaiah 43:2). But I also thought, If Adrian does die in a fire, then he died doing what God had called him to do. I had to be both realistic and walk in faith.”

I love that God taught Jayne it wasn’t either/or. It was both/and.

She knew the risks of Adrian’s job that he loved and she stood on God’s promise for his safety. She understood we can step out in faith and still feel afraid. We can choose to believe God’s Word, put our heart in His hands and still have to resist the fear trying to take root inside. We can embrace the process and move forward, even if we take a few steps backward at the same time.

This strengthening of Jayne’s faith is what ultimately enabled her to withstand the agonising heartache of Fraser’s illness.

Some days she couldn’t even touch her baby because he was so fragile; her touch could have sent him into cardiac arrest.

“I remember the moment when I didn’t think I could endure any more of the suffering with Fraser,” Jayne says. “Our lives had been out of control for such a long time and there was nothing we could do to fix it. I didn’t know what else to pray. We had fasted, anointed him with oil—everything we’d ever learned. And most of those times, things only grew worse. I didn’t know what else to think or say or do. And the Lord’s Prayer rose up in my heart. Lord, give us our daily bread.

“It occurred to me that I could just focus on the daily bread.

I could believe God for the next step and quit thinking about anything else. So I began thanking God every day for daily bread.

I thanked Him for the small things. After almost a year of fighting for Fraser’s life, that was all I could focus on.”

God was showing Jayne how to trust Him in every single moment—by receiving her daily bread. God doesn’t promise us

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Yes, we resist fear, but the way we fight it is to learn from it by first facing it so it loses its paralysing effect.

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eclipse—a passing from darkness to light. To Adrian and Jayne, it was a miracle. He moved from being overshadowed by darkness to gradually coming alive. They were amazed that he continued to gain weight every day after that. He began to thrive!

“After four-and-a-half months at Great Ormond Street Children’s Hospital,” Adrian said, “they decided Fraser was thriving enough to send us home. It had been a full year since we’d first raced him to the emergency room. He was the only one from the ward who ever went home. We still came back for weekly visits and we learned to inject nutrition into his body through a tube in his side every four hours—for the next four years. We jokingly called it his ‘rocket fuel’, and it smelled awful, but we didn’t care.

He was thriving.”

Fraser was 10 years old before he was completely off all medication. He was 12 when he finally got to attend a local school.

Today, he is a lean 1.85-metre tall student in his third year of an apprenticeship in landscape construction. He plays rugby, drives his own car and serves as a youth leader at church. He has two small scars on his abdomen that testify to his fragile first years of life.

Christine Caine is an Australian-born, Greek-blooded, lover of Jesus and an international speaker. Together with her husband, Nick, she founded The A21 Campaign, an anti-human trafficking organisation.

WIN

WIN CHILDREN'S BOOKS!

Submit a personal story on your parenting journey, thoughts or experience and if we use your story, we’ll send you a selection of books featured on our book corner page (see page 32)! Write to us at editorial@thetabletv.com

TAKEN FROM UNEXPECTED BY CHRISTINE CAINE. COPYRIGHT © 2018 BY ZONDERVAN. USED

BY PERMISSION OF ZONDERVAN. WWW.ZONDERVAN.COM.

KAN2D—GETTY IMAGES

weekly, monthly or annual bread. He promises us daily bread— bread for the moment. God was showing her how to overcome when she felt utterly overwhelmed, when fear was constantly trying to destabilise her heart. When she couldn’t make sense of anything that was happening, when she felt like the circumstances were suffocating her and she couldn’t come up for air.

That’s when God was saying: Quit thinking about all you can’t control and just focus on today. Just focus on what you can do, on what you can change, on what you can accomplish to move forward, even if you take steps back at the same time. He was teaching her how to not be overwhelmed.

Approaching a full year since their ordeal began, Adrian and Jayne continued living between the hospital apartment and around Fraser’s bed. And little changed.

“I was always honest with God, telling Him that I didn’t understand why all this was happening,” Adrian confesses. “But at the same time, I believed in His promises to me and Jayne. We resisted fear every time it tried to grip our hearts. We were determined to bash on.”

“I think you can learn from fear instead of letting it affect you,” Jayne said. “It’s like learning to escape a riptide current. We always taught our children that if they got caught in one at the beach to not panic and fight it, but swim parallel with it because it will eventually end and you can escape and swim back to shore.

Yes, we resist fear, but the way we fight it is to learn from it by first facing it so it loses its paralysing effect. We recognise it for what it is and somehow let God grow us in the midst of it. And when we do, he’ll help us get back to shore.”

One day, a leader from Adrian and Jayne’s church came by. He wanted to pray for Fraser. Not a day had gone by that someone hadn’t prayed. As the man prayed, a solar eclipse over London blanketed the sky in darkness. As the eclipse passed and light shone again, something shifted.

When Fraser was weighed the next day, he had gained 14 grams. It was as though he’d experienced a supernatural

FREE PRINTABLE “THE DISCIPLINE PROCESS” AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD MumsAtTheTable.com /freestuff

How we discipline our children doesn’t simply polarise communities, it can sometimes strain marriages. But what does the Bible teach about this topic?

By Harriet Connor

SHOULD WE * SMACK ?

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MOKEYBUSINESS IMAGE—GETTY IMAGES

MELODY TAN

M

y husband and I have been married for 11 years.

During those years, there is one issue that has sparked more arguments than any other: the disciplining of our children. My husband and I come from very different family backgrounds with completely opposite approaches to discipline. And naturally, each of us tends to assume the way we were raised was right—or at least normal.

My husband’s parents were quite strict and expected him and his sisters to obey them simply “because I said so”, with little room for questions or explanations. If they did not obey straight away, they could expect to be given a smack. There were rules about most aspects of daily life and the rules were fairly inflexible.

My parents were the opposite. I don’t remember having any rules at all and punishment was extremely rare—I remember being smacked only twice in my whole life! Once was when I was about to cross a busy road without looking. And let’s just say the other one involved a skipping rope handle and a brand new piano. Usually, my parents simply explained why we should not do something and that must have been enough for me and my sister.

Since having our own children, there have been many occasions when my husband and I have disagreed about discipline.

Generally, my husband thinks we need to be tougher and I think we need to be more understanding. It has been really important for us to make time to discuss the issue at hand (in private), seeking to understand the other person’s perspective and find a middle road.

The thing that has helped me and my husband to find common ground on this issue (and many others) has been going back to God’s Word, the Bible. It has helped us to lay down some solid foundations for a unified approach. So what does the Bible say?

We often use the word discipline to mean punishing a child for doing the wrong thing. But the Bible’s definition is much broader.

In the Bible, the word discipline means something more like discipling (making disciples).

As Christians, we are inviting our children to follow us as we

follow Jesus. In other words, the Bible sees childhood as a kind of apprenticeship in their parents’ character and values; discipline refers to a whole range of “tools” parents can use in this process.

On the proactive side, discipline involves modelling, teaching, encouraging, training and setting clear expectations. On the reactive side, it involves praising, correcting, rebuking and letting children experience the consequences of their actions.

According to the Bible, there is only one perfect parent: God. To find out what it means to discipline our children, we first need to look at His example. When we put our trust in Jesus, God adopts us as His spiritual children. As our heavenly Father, God wants us to grow up to share His character and values.

The Bible encourages us to “endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children” (Hebrews 12:7). Later we read, “We have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness” (verses 9, 10).

Our human discipline is imperfect: we have limited wisdom, limited patience and a limited timeframe. But God’s discipline of His spiritual children is perfect. In His infinite wisdom, God allows us to experience hard things so that we will mature into people who share His character and values.

As we discipline our children, we are also being disciplined by our loving heavenly Father. The Bible is clear that the heart of discipline—both God’s and ours—is love for our children. In Proverbs we read, “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in” (Proverbs 3:11, 12).

Our discipline should be a sign, not of anger or frustration, but of our love and commitment to our children. Because we love our children, we care deeply about what kind of people they are becoming. According to the Bible, parents are responsible for helping their children grow towards physical and moral maturity.

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. . . it needs to be done calmly and consistently; it needs to be done out of love, not anger.

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DISCIPLINE ANOTHER PARENT’S CHILD?

* The word smack has very different meanings for people. In this context, smacking a child means hitting them with an open hand, usually on the buttocks.

Harriet Connor lives with her husband and three sons on the Central Coast of NSW. She is the author of Big Picture Parents: Ancient Wisdom for Modern Life and has degrees in languages and theology.

MACHINE HEADZ—GETTYIMAGES

All parents are human—we will inevitably get discipline wrong sometimes. All human parents are prone to get impatient or inconsistent in our discipline. We can get lazy and focus on the negative, reactive aspects of discipline, while neglecting the positive, proactive things we can do to encourage our children’s discipleship. The Bible actually warns against this tendency, saying, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

Our children are human too—and so, good discipline does not guarantee our children will grow up to share our character and values as adults.

In spite of these realities, God has entrusted our children into our care. As their parents, we are responsible for helping them move towards maturity as disciples of Jesus and children of God. With God as our model of loving, goal-oriented discipline, we ought to love our children enough to teach, train, encourage, correct—and sometimes punish them—for the sake of their longterm growth.

And no matter what happens, we and our children can always run into the arms of our perfect heavenly Father. There we find God’s forgiveness and strength to live as His children in the world.

LAFLOR—GETTYIMAGES

We need to pass on to our children the skills and values that will enable them to live a full and meaningful life.

As we saw earlier, discipline is not the same thing as punishment. While punishment looks back to a wrong committed, discipline looks forward to the goal. As Christian parents, our ultimate goal is to teach our children to follow Jesus; we want them to become children of God and reflect His values in the world.

Once our children are adults, they will be responsible for their own moral decisions. So the goal of childhood discipline is also self-discipline: we are equipping our children with the skills to make good choices for life.

The book of Proverbs talks about the “rod” as a means of parental discipline: “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them” (Proverbs 13:24). Some Christians believe that this verse requires Christian parents to discipline their children in a physical way.

Others interpret the “rod” in Proverbs as a symbol of disciplinary punishment as a whole, and so choose to use different kinds of negative consequences for their children, such as time-outs, allowing natural consequences, withdrawing privileges or giving extra chores. This approach follows the advice of parenting experts who discourage physical discipline, because they see it as unnecessary, ineffective and open to abuse.

At the very least, the use of the “rod” in Proverbs certainly implies that smacking can be one element of loving discipline, alongside all of the others mentioned above. Like any form of discipline, it needs to be done calmly and consistently; it needs to be done out of love, not anger.

On this issue, I believe it is vital for Christian parents to encourage each other in our shared goals for discipline—to lovingly guide, teach and disciple our children—even if we disagree on the specific details of how to get there.

would you...

would...

would not . . .

CLIFF BATTLEY GOLD COAST, QUEENSLAND

DR KAREN PHILIP SYDNEY, NEW SOUTH WALES

Yes, I think parents can discipline another parent’s child but you have to understand what discipline means—showing them what they did wrong and how they are going to get it right—and you have to do it in a way that is prosocial and helps a child to become a better human.

Also, it’s really important that parents understand about age-appropriate behaviour. When it gets to kids who are older, who are able to differentiate between what is wrong and right, the first thing you always need to ask is if you are disciplining one child based on what the other child said, because parents have a tendency to want to believe their own child. So it’s really important that you are fair if you’re going to implement some sort of discipline.

If it’s not dangerous behaviour, make them play apart for five minutes while they think about how to treat each other. When they come back together, have a chat about how they can get along for the rest of the day.

If it’s dangerous, your job as a parent is to remove your child from the danger. The second thing is to talk to the offending child, telling them it’s not OK and explaining why. Help the child come up with a solution to the situation. All children want to do is play and hang out together.

Discipline comes down to consequences and one of the biggest ones you can give a child is to withdraw attention or social connection (for example, removing your child as their playmate). When you do so, you have actually disciplined the child in a way the other parent can’t be upset about.

No, we should never discipline another person’s child. Saying that however, you can certainly suggest to the other parent that their child could approach an issue or handle an event in a different manner, while always stepping in to protect your child if they are young or vulnerable.

If the other child is being loud or obnoxious, particularly toward your child, then this is different. A gentle interaction with the children requesting they play nicely together is fine and, if the other child is challenging or unwilling to comply, lead your child away or remain on guard. Stop the other child if they are attacking or hurting your child, but do this mindfully and respectfully, understanding the child is unlikely to know any better. Hopefully the other parent will notice and respond appropriately.

A child displaying regrettable behaviour while a parent is present is challenging for all. If and when the child's parent addresses you, smile and comment on all the kids’ (yours included) challenging behaviours.

Always provide two options for the other parent to choose from as this can avoid any escalation of conflict, helping the parent to own their choice.

Children have good and bad days, just like adults. The child’s brain isn’t developed enough to understand consequence for any behaviour. Remember, it isn’t the child who is bad, it is their current behaviour and it is always an opportunity to guide, suggest and support other parents who may be struggling on that day, as we may also do at times.

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COOKING with Gia & Olive

AS SEEN ON

Chocolate Almond Butter Chia Bars

NEW ZEALAND

PREPARATION TIME: 5 MINUTES FRIDGE TIME: 1 HOUR SERVES: 8 INGREDIENTS 1 cup (about 12) medjool dates, pitted ¼ cup and 1 tbsp almond butter ¼ cup roasted almonds 2 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder 1½ tbsp chia seeds

METHOD 1.

2.

3.

Process all ingredients in a food processor until well combined, resembling a sticky mixture. (Little pieces of almonds will remain but should hold together when you press the mixture between your fingers.)

Line a rimmed dish (or a loaf pan or half of a 20 x 20-cm baking dish) with baking paper and press in the mixture to your desired thickness.

Refrigerate for at least one hour before slicing. Store bars in refrigerator.

Peanut Butter Smoothie

PREPARATION TIME: 15 MINUTES COOK TIME: 45 MINUTES SERVES: 5–6

2 x375g enchilada sauce Water Optional: shredded cheese 10 soft tortillas

METHOD 1.

2.

INGREDIENTS 3 cups sweet potato, cubed 1 tsp ground cumin 1 tsp smoked paprika ½ tsp salt 2 cups kale, chopped 1 x400g tinned black beans, drained

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3.

October 2018

Preheat oven to 180oC (fanforced).

Line an oven tray with baking paper. Mix sweet potatoes, 1 tbsp water, cumin, smoked paprika and salt in a large bowl and lay them out on the tray. Bake for 20 minutes or until tender and slightly caramelised.

While sweet potato is

4.

5.

6.

baking, add kale to a large frypan with 2 tbsp water.

Cover pot and steam for 5 minutes, making sure the kale remains vibrant in colour.

Mix black beans, ¼ cup enchilada sauce, sweet potato and kale in the large bowl.

Pour ¹/³ of the remaining enchilada sauce into the bottom of a glass 23 x 33cm baking dish.

Place a tortilla in the baking dish, making sure to coat both sides with sauce. Fill it with ¹/³ cup of sweet potato

7.

8.

9.

mix, roll it up and lay seam side down at the edge of the dish.

Repeat with remaining tortillas, adding more sauce as necessary to moisten them.

Pour remaining enchilada sauce over the top of the enchiladas, ensuring all the rolls are covered. If using cheese, sprinkle on top.

Bake for 20 minutes. Serve with guacamole and sour cream, freshly chopped coriander and chopped jalapeños.

FOOD STYLED AND PHOTOGRAPHED BY ADAM KAVANAGH

Baked Sweet Potato Enchiladas

PREPARATION TIME: 5 MINUTES COOKING TIME: 0 MINUTES SERVES: 3 INGREDIENTS 2 frozen bananas, chopped

½ cup natural peanut butter 1 cup coconut milk 2 cups soy milk 1 tbsp coconut nectar ½ tsp Celtic or Himalayan salt

METHOD Blend all ingredients in blender until smooth.

GIA & OLIVE The world's cutest sous-chef and her talented mother show us how easy it is to be healthy.

Watch how quickly Gia and Olive can make these recipes on the Mums At The Table TV show.

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WHEN A ISN'T

By Melody Tan

T

hey’re the kids you tell your own children not to mix with at school. The ones who are just that little too rowdy, loitering outside the shopping centre with their strange clothes, tattoos and bad haircuts. The ones who make you thankful your child isn’t like them. The ones you wish would take their bad influence elsewhere.

They’re also the kids who hate school because they’ve been told by their classmates—with a child’s honesty—that their parents do not want them being friends with them; who have nobody to help them with their homework even if they were in the slightest academically-inclined; who are constantly moved from “home” to “home”, making it near impossible to stay in the same school.

Which is why, for many, a primary education is as good as it gets.

They’re the kids who wish they had a family environment more like your child’s. The ones who had to quickly learn to be tough in order to survive in a world they should never be exposed to at their young age.

“These young people are in a constant state of fight or flight,” says Chaan Pau’u, a youth care worker at an out-of-home service in Sydney. “It’s a hyper-arousal state where they are always tense and have an exaggerated response to most situations. Out-ofhome care young people feel they need to fight against anything or anyone who comes towards them in order to be heard, in order to survive.

“It’s like walking through a peaceful forest, enjoying the scenery, the smells and the sights and then all of a sudden, a bear attacks you out of nowhere. For these young people, the ‘bear’ is present everywhere they look in life. The ‘bear’ is the case worker and police officer who took them away from their family, it’s the doctor who is prescribing all these different drugs that they need to take every day, it’s the teacher who can’t understand what they’re trying to ask and sends them to detention.”

As of June 30, 2016, there were 46,500 Australian children aged 0–17 living in out-of-home care. Their “care” arrangement could take a few different forms, including being placed in a residential building where the purpose is to provide placements for children and there are paid staff, to living in the home of a carer who is reimbursed for expenses for the care of the child. But in a system where there are often not enough homes or staff, these children are neglected, forgotten and fail to receive the level of care they need.

Eleni Hale is an author and former

MUJERSELAVI—GETTY IMAGES

home

Forced to live as wards of the government, the challenges faced by out-of-home care children are often untold and unknown.

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journalist who grew up as a “homes kid” in the early 1990s. Residential homes, according to Eleni, very quickly changed her from an ordinary, innocent child to one where being rough around the edges was a survival mechanism.

“You have to have a shell around you and not show your vulnerabilities to the kids in the home. You have to be tough,” she says.

“The first home I lived in, there were five or six other kids in there and they were quite wild and they were drinking. I realised I was way out of my depth and I was quite scared. I thought if I didn’t do something, I will be in trouble, so I started to watch the other kids, learned from them and transformed myself so that I wouldn’t get bashed up.

“There are three ways that kids in homes who don’t have a regular parent to guide them survive. One is attaching to whoever, a social worker or random adults who try to befriend you, as a way to stay secure. Another is to zone out, you know, drugs and alcohol.

And the final way is to be fiercely self-sufficient So you just decide that you can’t trust anyone. These tend to be very rebellious and out-of-control kids, but it’s a choice that they’ve made because there weren’t any other options.”

Eleni’s experience of living in the homes inspired her first young adult novel, Stone Girl. It’s a harrowing, no-holds-barred account of life in the homes, complete with school drop-outs, bad language and drug use. She believes the novel isn’t too raw for a young audience because “teens that swear, that won’t listen, that do the worst things, the ones we don’t like . . . they deserve their place in literature too. By removing the mystery, I believe we allow teens to learn about addictive and deadly substances from the safety of a book.”

As a mother of two young daughters, she says she would have no problems with them reading Stone Girl.

“Stone Girl is a cautionary tale. It’s not the type of book you read and think I want to go down that path, but it does open your eyes to cause and effects, one thing leading to another, even if your situation is not the same as Sophie’s [the lead character].

“Today’s teenagers are already over-exposed. They already know about all this stuff. It’s nothing new. I would tell my daughters about it, have a chat to them about the book beforehand, but I don’t want them to be sheltered to the point where they don’t understand how other people live.”

Discovering how these other people—children—live will break your heart. The media would often cover the violence or the drug overdose, but what we may not hear about are the circumstances they are living in.

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Chaan relates stories of young people arriving at his residential home service not knowing how to use a toilet or toilet paper, or even how to shower properly. Some have very limited vocabulary and can’t even put a sentence together.

Put in a “home” with others who have only been exposed to a life of verbal and physical abuse, in an environment where they are only allowed to socialise with those from the same residential home service, where one paid staff is meant to care for four children, most already don’t believe in themselves much less are able to fathom a bright future, even before the world has passed any judgement on them.

“These kids have a pretty low opinion of themselves,” says Chaan. “It’s mostly derived from the situation they were brought up in: ‘Family do not think I’m important, maybe I’m not’; ‘Parents or carers do not invest time or money into us; we are not worth time or money’; ‘Parents or carers do not show love and care; we are

“I felt like the dumbest person in the world,” she says. “The hardest thing was believing that I was someone who could go to school and pass. A lot of people struggle with that identity. I really believe that giving people a bit of hope will go a long way. I’m a big believer in education but it’s not for everybody. But it’s about helping people redefine who they are, and not believing that is that for the rest of their lives and that they don’t have prospects.”

Chaan, who has worked with out-of-home care young people for more than five years, agrees. “These children have the potential to build a great future for themselves and break the cycle. They are very impressionable and are longing to be accepted and believed in. Building trust with the young people is a major step in helping them to feel safe and supported. Once the young person believes they are safe and supported, they are open to the staff about their aspirations and what they are wanting to achieve.”

“A lot of mothers are aware of this, but after what I’ve been

Holding onto anger is like swallowing a poison pill and hoping the other person dies.

. . . I’m hyperaware that a lot of kids needs to be respected . . .

Everyone has a story about being treated unfairly.

Learn how forgiveness can change your story and save your life.

In this free series about forgiveness, learn about the ways anger and hurt affect your emotional and physical wellbeing.

Melody Tan is editor of Mums At The Table magazine and a regular panellist on Mums At The Table TV show. She lives in Sydney with her husband and her son.

By understanding how and why to forgive, you can find healing from past hurts and experience true freedom.

Visit forgivetolive.org.au to begin this free series online, or return this form by mail to receive your first booklet.

QUESTIONS? LETS CHAT! BODNARCHUK—GETTY IMAGES

through, I’m hyper-aware that a lot of kids needs to be respected, constantly feel loved and it’s very important not to be humiliated,” says Eleni on how her experience has shaped her as a mother.

“I just remember there’s always this feeling of humiliation because you’ve got the social workers who give you the feeling that you don’t matter very much, and there were these kids who were stronger. Particularly with my kids who drink up all my words and who my opinions matter so much to, I’m hyper-aware about respecting them so that I don’t humiliate them or make them feel like they’re not important.”

Out-of-home care children. Yes, they can be difficult to deal with, but they are also the ones who need more love, time and understanding than any other child you have possibly met.

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not worthy of love or affection’; ‘Being bounced from foster home to foster home; nobody cares if I stay or not’.”

For these children with no education or even a permanent place to live in, breaking out of the preconceived negative labels they and society have placed on themselves is a monumental task.

“No kid who lives in the homes should be ashamed, yet I bet many feel as I felt,” says Eleni. “Please, be kind. Don’t judge too quick. What you see in this moment is the culmination of many previous events. Most people deserve a second chance. There's a lot going on. It’s not just troubled kids or kids you should feel sorry for, but they are kids who are changing every day because of their experience. This is how they become that.”

Stone Girl does a wonderful job of telling the albeit sometimes skewed thought processes of a 12-year-old and how that can change the course of a person’s life. And yet, Stone Girl has a happy ending, much like Eleni, “one of the lucky ones because I got out”.

Filled with grit and determination, Eleni went back to school at 18 and “struggled my way out of the margins of society”. And even then, she admits it wasn’t easy.

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WHAT IF MY CHILD IS the bully?

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B

ullying has terrible effects on the victims involved but one of the toughest things to hear from your child’s school is that your own child is the bully.

Here’s what you can do to help your child.

1. Stay calm and take time to process the information.

2. Address the bullying directly. This demonstrates

WHAT'S ON OUR SHOW THIS MONTH?

October 2018

Is multitasking an asset or a liability?

How baby wipes are making your child sick.

14 OCTOBER

• •

How to have the best financial year of your life.

Would you bring your children to a funeral?

21 OCTOBER

• •

“My son loves ballet—get over it.”

Breast cancer survivor Tanya Manwaring shares her amazing story.

28 OCTOBER

• • COLLETT She’s an author, mum of three and psychologist. Watch Collett Smart share ways mums can look after their own wellbeing on the Mums At The Table TV show.

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HOW SHOULD PARENTS COMBAT THEIR CHILD’S DIGITAL ADDICTIONS?

VITAPIX—GETTY IMAGES

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Did you know we have a Facebook community where you can join in the conversation on our show segments, magazine articles and much more? Recently, we asked our members:

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awareness and that bullying is not acceptable in your family.

3. Avoid shaming your child and look for a pattern.

Communicate that they can talk to you about their own insecurities and fears. Take time to find out the underlying need for their behaviour.

4. Remind your child that bullying is a choice and they can choose to stop. Talk about the different forms of bullying (emotional, physical and psychological, and be sure to include the online forms).

5. Talk about the consequences for the victims.

Help your child to acknowledge their responsibility and recognise exactly what it is they have done.

6. Set age-appropriate consequences for their behaviour, support the school’s plan for consequences and check in regularly to track your child’s progress.

7. If your child is both a bully and a victim, help them stop their own behaviour but develop skills to deal with being bullied themselves. (Your child may have decided to be a bully in an unhealthy form of self-preservation.)

8. Be a role model. Over the next few months, talk often about healthy friendships and what being a good friend looks like (use books, movies and stories to help you).

9. Help your child to develop new skills that might improve their sense of worth (sport, arts, activities).

10. Ask a counsellor for help in teaching your child social and emotional skills.

social

How to check whether your child has paediatric hearing issues.

Why your children behave better when they are with other people.

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Sonia: How about parents taking back the control, ensuring jobs, homework are all done? Then, and only then, have an agreed amount of time.

Rachel: Setting healthy boundaries and sticking to them is critical but is that enough? Does it teach self-control? As my kids get older (teenagers) I really want them to start saying no or yes without me having to do it for them.

Sarah: Our people are still little, but at the moment they’re not allowed screens during the week, only on weekends. We give them free range on weekends though, in the hopes that they’ll be able to exhibit a little bit of self-control. They usually just play it in the mornings.

Del: It’s not about the internet, it’s about addiction. Or is it? Recognising that is a great start.

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MAKING

BEESWAX WRAPS E

very kitchen should be full of these reusable wraps. Use them in place of plastic wrap, but also to wrap bread and vegetables to keep them fresh. Beeswax wraps are washable and can be used again and again. Clean them with cold water and gentle soap as necessary, but we usually just rinse them in water and hang them up to dry. When the wax wears out, the wraps can be re-infused.

•

Method

• • • • • •

Thin cotton cloth of various sizes A hand grater Beeswax Metal oven trays Jojoba oil A wide paintbrush Pegs and a drying line

The jojoba oil helps the wax to spread evenly throughout the cloth. An eye dropper is useful for adding the oil.

Place a cotton square on an oven tray and sprinkle it with some drops of jojoba oil, then sparsely sprinkle the grated beeswax over the top, all the way to the edges. Less is more—if the wax is too thick, the cloth won’t be able to absorb it all.

By Kirsten Bradley and Nick Ritar

Ingredients

TIP

step 3

step 4 step 1

TIP

Place the tray in your warm oven and watch closely—remove it as soon as the grated wax has melted, about 5 minutes at most. Use the paintbrush to ensure the whole cloth is covered with the melted wax, all the way to the edges.

Cut the cotton cloth of choice into squares of your preferred size.

We make them from 15 cm wide to about 40 cm wide.

Choose a paintbrush you’re happy to get wax on, because you won’t get it off again!

TIP

Use scraps of cotton fabric, old skirts or pillowcases.

TIP

When you’ve finished making wraps, scrape any excess wax from your oven trays and add it to your spare wax supply.

step 2 Preheat the oven to 100°C. While it’s warming up, grate the beeswax.

step 5 Pick up the wax-covered wrap and peg it on a line until cool and dry. Repeat until you’ve used all your wax. If there’s excess wax on the oven tray, just press the next cloth into it to absorb it, and reduce the amount of grated wax you add.

FREEPIK

IMAGES AND RECIPES FROM MILKWOOD BY KIRSTEN BRADLEY AND NICK RITAR, MURDOCH BOOKS, RRP $45.00 PHOTOGRAPHY BY KATE BERRY AND KIRSTEN BRADLEY, ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRENNA QUINLAN.

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Kirsten Bradley and Nick Ritar left the city to start a small permaculture farm called Milkwood 10 years ago, with a dream of living simply and within their means. They currently live, grow, forage and keep bees on a two-acre permaculture farm near Daylesford, Victoria.

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PEG + CAT: THE PENGUIN PROBLEM Jennifer Oxley & Billy Aronson Candlewick Entertainment $14.99

Teach your child about prepositions (words such as over, under and in between) without them even realising it. Then there are the subtle maths sums that you could also teach your child with the page numbers at the bottom.

A clever little book probably better suited for an older preschool audience.

RUBY’S WORRY Tom Percival Bloomsbury Children’s Books $14.99

WIN

Perfect for the anxious child who is always worried about something. Set amidst some sweet and brightly-coloured illustrations, this book will help your child realise they are not alone with their worries and also how to overcome them.

SOMETHING FOR FLEUR Catherine Pelosi & Caitlin Murray Lothian Children’s Books $14.99 Bright and colourful, this book will keep your little one guessing and engaged with its birthday theme. Brilliantly illustrated, there’s plenty on the pages to point out to your child, and some silly ideas to bring a smile to their face.

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FINDING GRANNY Kate Simpson & Gwynneth Jones EK Books $24.99

WIN

This is the book to read to your child if someone close to them has experienced a stroke or is suffering from illness or disability. Filled with sensitivity and love, this book will help them realise that while the person may seem different, who they are and their love never really change.

THE GREAT OUTDOORS ACTIVITY BOOK DK $24.99

A fabulous resource for keeping your little one entertained with the added perk that many of the materials are either recycled items or available from nature.

Not all projects are preschooler-friendly, but it means you can keep this book till they get older or entertain your older child with it!

THE PENGUINS ARE COMING! Meg McKinlay & Mark Jackson Walker Books $16.99

Happy, silly and fun are probably the three words that best describe both the text and illustrations of this book about penguins.

Set in a zoo, there are also plenty of other animals to talk about with your child, along with all the hilarious things penguins do and don’t do.

PRIMARY

PRESCHOOL

BOOK CORNER OFF THE TRACK Cristy Burne Fremantle Press $14.99

WIN

The least this book can do is give your phone-addicted child (and maybe you) an insight into how devastating the habit is to relationships and the ability to enjoy the life around you. A great read for the junior reader, filled with adventure, humour and that little bit of intrigue.

NATURAL BORN LOSER Oliver Phommavanh Puffin Books $16.99

Michael Morpurgo & Barroux Egmont $29.99

Probably one of the few books to accurately depict Australia’s multicultural landscape and do it well. Easy reading with an interesting storyline, this is an encouraging tale about friendship, inclusivity and school spirit, while celebrating our unique ordinariness.

Poignant, sweetly illustrated and with a deeply engaging narrative, this biography of an old man during World War II is a moving and intriguing read.

More suitable for the older primary reader, it does deal with the realities of war, but not in a gruesome way. A lovely tribute to the Resistance efforts during the war.

WIN

Onjali Q. Raúf Orian Children’s Books $14.99

Brilliantly written from a nine-year-old’s perspective.

The topic of war, refugees and racism is a heavy one but the author ingeniously manages to deliver it in a light-hearted, sensitive and thoughtful way. A mustread for every child but be ready to have some deep discussions afterwards.

Susannah McFarlane Allen & Unwin $24.99

A retelling of popular fairytales where children learn that girls such as Rapunzel and Little Red Riding Hood have the inner strength and smarts to rescue themselves, and do not need men to save them. Paired with the gorgeous artwork, the book is a treasure to own and to gift.

IN THE MOUTH OF THE WOLF

THE BOY AT THE BACK OF THE CLASS

FAIRYTALES FOR FEISTY GIRLS

WIN

WIN THESE ! !

S K O BO HOW T U O D FIN E 16 ON PAG October 2018

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MUMS AT THE TABLE MAGAZINE

T I P S FO R

REAL WOMEN | REAL CONVERSATIONS | REAL ISSUES

NEW STEP-PARENTS

By Renee Mill

FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT

It is common not to love your stepchild immediately, but be kind and work on developing a relationship over time. Do it because you love your partner. Do it because every child needs love and it is the right thing to do. Talk to your stepchild, be interested in their day, their feelings and their life.

MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS

The younger the child, the sooner you will form a bond. It will take two years for a two-year-old child to accept you. It will take 10 years for a 10-year-old to do the same.

SET BOUNDARIES

Do not take on too much. You are not Mary Poppins or the family’s saviour. Do what is reasonable and possible for you to cope with.

BE AN ADULT

Do not see your stepchild as competing for time with your partner. Be understanding and facilitate opportunities for your partner and their child to be together.

ALLOW FOR COUPLE TIME

At the same time, make sure there is alone time for the relationship so it can flourish. Do not allow the children to squeeze all of the time out of the relationship.

F RE E*

DO NOT ADOPT ROLE OF BIOLOGICAL PARENT

Reassure the child, “I know I am not your parent and I will never try and replace your mother (or father). I want to be a good friend.”

Y MONTHL COPY!

DO NOT DISCIPLINE

Let the biological parent do it. However, if necessary, the biological parent can say, for example, “I am going out now and Sarah is in charge. If she asks you to do something, I expect you to listen.”

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PLAN YOUR PARENTING

Have regular meetings with your partner to discuss the needs of all the children and the relationship. Agree on how things should be done. Biological parents need to appreciate what the step-parent is doing and respect their wishes.

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Renee Mill is a clinical psychologist, parenting and anxiety specialist, and the author of books, Parenting Without Anger and Anxiety Free, Drug Free.

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