Mums At The Table - August 2018

THE HARMONY ISSUE REAL WOMEN | REAL CONVERSATIONS | REAL ISSUES

AUGUST 2018

What to say

IN DIFFICULT MOMENTS RAINY DAY

indoor activities

IMPORTANT VALUES

fo r c hil dr en

AS SEEN ON NEW ZEALAND

REAL WOMEN | REAL CONVERSATIONS | REAL ISSUES

contents

Jo in us

AUGUST 2018

just for you

6 HOME HACKS Chocolates, mixed-up shoes and more.

12 FINDING MY IDENTITY Are you still you after becoming a mum?

27 THE MOTHERHOOD PENALTY

How women are paying the price for having children.

28 SUBMIT TO YOUR HUSBAND

The real biblical picture of a peaceful marriage.

32 BOOK CORNER

188

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18 10

PANELLISTS Fiona, Rachel, Shona, Melody, Rachel and Maryellen discuss a range of topics including current events, issues and family life.

parenting

8 WHAT TO SAY IN DIFFICULT MOMENTS 21 PREPARING FOR THE FULLON FOURS

Why turning four can be disruptive for boys.

18 REGAINING THE FAMILY BALANCE Pass important values to your children and win back control.

34 RAINY DAY INDOOR ACTIVITIES

Wet weather fun for all ages.

28

food & wellbeing 10 ASK THE EXPERTS 16 EXERCISE WITH ALISHA Beyond workouts and green smoothies.

22 COOKING WITH GIA & OLIVE Spicy pumpkin soup; sweet chilli sauce; chia fruit pudding; one-pot Mexican quinoa.

24 KICKSTARTING YOUR FERTILITY

Take charge of your body and fight the odds to fall pregnant again.

PLUS healthy recipes, exercise tips, DIY projects and awesome hacks for around the home.

find us on social media @thetabletvshow

#thetabletvshow

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EDITOR Melody Tan

SEND ALL LETTERS AND SUBMISSIONS TO: At The Table magazine PO Box 1115, Wahroonga, NSW 2076 or email editorial@thetabletv.com

PUBLISHER Mums At The Table is a product of

FREE MONTHLY COPY Julie Laws Julie@thetabletv.com

Mums At The Table magazine is available free of charge thanks to generous donations. We ask you to pass it on to your friends after you are finished with it.

CEO: Brad Kemp ABN 59 093 117 689 ISSN 2208-4010

COVER PHOTO

by Xavier Arnau—Getty

VOLUME 2 NUMBER 8 The Harmony Issue

COPYEDITOR Tracey Bridcutt 150 Fox Valley Road Wahroonga NSW 2076 thetabletv.com

@ thetabletvshow

GRAPHIC DESIGN Theodora Amuimuia

PRIVACY NOTICE This issue of Mums At The Table magazine is published by

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August 2018

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August

s r e t let

from the

O

editor

editor

TO THE

ne of the most common “jokes” people make when they discover my name for the first time is, “Do you have a sister named Harmony?”

To be honest, when I was pregnant, I vaguely entertained the idea of naming bub Harmony if I had a daughter, but both my boring side and my husband vetoed that idea. The fact I gave birth to a boy cemented that decision, but that was probably when I wished I did have harmony at home.

Not being the type—and because I have a saint of a husband—we didn’t have any fights or arguments per se after we had a child, but there were certainly some tense moments. The lack of sleep and the overwhelming number of things that just had to get “done” meant we could be brash with each other, lacking any patience. I wished he did some things, he wished I didn’t do others.

Two years on, with more hours of sleep under our eyebags, our relationship is calmer, but it would in no way be what it used to be before we became parents. Not in that we love each other any less, but more that our conversations, our focus and our priorities have all shifted.

As a mother, I’m sure you can relate to how, during a rare quiet moment, you take stock of your life and hyperventilate a little about what you see: changing family dynamics, impending hormonal changes in your children that promise to drastically alter their moods, the moments when you’re trying to get them to just listen and obey . . . it can all get a little too much.

However, many have walked the path we have and survived—and some have become such experts, they’re even sharing their insights with us in this issue of Mums At The Table (yes, we have added the word Mums to our name, because you, mum, is what we are all about. We have also changed the look of our website so check it out!).

So I want you to take a moment right now to inhale deeply and tell yourself, “It will be OK.” You, mama, will be OK.

I have really enjoyed receiving Mums At The Table through my children’s school. The stories are relevant and real, and an easy read.

—Danielle

I have read a few articles from the magazine. It has a lot of information and useful tips that I can apply in my life, especially in raising a family.

—Maricel

Letter of the Month

POGANIA—ISTOCK

Melody

Firstly, I’d like to thank you for the Mums At The Table mag. I have read three or four issues now and have enjoyed them. The content is relevant to me (34-yearold Christian married mum of two) and easily readable.

I particularly liked the article, “Good News for Modern Parents” [see our March 2018 issue or go to thetabletv. com]. As a psychologist, I sometimes get lost in a secular viewpoint, so it was lovely to read this well-balanced article that had a sound Christian base. Thank you.

Secondly, I’d like to give feedback for the “Ask the Experts” section from the May 2018 issue. The section about infant feeding I think possibly provides too narrow a time estimate in which infants tend to double their weight. The opinion in your magazine says, “most

babies . . . will have doubled their birth weight by about three to four months”. My understanding is the guide is usually four to six months (although it does depend on what source you reference).

I think the opinion in your magazine may cause some undue anxiety for some parents. Both my children doubled their weight around the 5–6 month mark (my son a little earlier than my daughter), and I was not concerned as the child health nurses gave me feedback that this was within the normal range. If I had thought the range was 3–4 months, I think I would have had some anxiety (particularly as my daughter had latching issues early on and had poor weight gain for some time).

—Jessica

Drop us a line and win a gift!

What did we get right? What can we do better? What are the conversations you're having? What are the issues you're facing? The author of our letter of the month wins a free copy of Reflections, an adult colouring book featuring hand-drawn Bible verses and designs! Write to us at editorial@thetabletv.com.

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home HACKS

AS SEEN ON NEW ZEALAND

PROBLEM: NOT ENOUGH TIME TO DECORATE A CAKE

SOLUTION: POUR COLOURED SPRINKLES INTO A COOKIE CUTTER PLACED ON TOP OF CAKE

PROBLEM: CHILDREN HELPING THEMSELVES TO THE CHOCOLATE

SOLUTION: HIDE THEM IN THE FRIDGE IN AN EMPTY FROZEN VEGETABLE BAG

PROBLEM: MICROWAVE TOO SMALL TO FIT TWO BOWLS OF FOOD AT ONCE

SOLUTION: PLACE ONE BOWL ON THE TOP OF A MUG

PROBLEM: CHILD UNABLE TO TELL RIGHT AND LEFT SHOE APART

SOLUTION: CUT A STICKER IN HALF AND PASTE IT INSIDE THEIR SHOES

PROBLEM: NO SUITABLE RECEPTACLE FOR RUBBISH IN A CAR

SOLUTION: USE A CEREAL CONTAINER

Materials

MICHELLE

Mum of nine Michelle shares her time-saving projects to bring some sanity back to our lives. Watch these and other hacks on the Mums At The Table TV show.

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IMAGES TAKEN BY KEVIN PATERSON, MARIANA VENTURI, DANIEL KUBEREK

Chocolates, mixed-up shoes and more

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SCENARIO

what to say in

DIFFICULT MOMENTS

By Heather Turgeon and Julie Wright

US BON

thy and to develop problem-solving 32 skills and self-esteem.

PAGE o t n iew Tur Attune, limit set and problem r rev nd u o r fo solve, or “ALP”, is an approach that her a Heat ook. f o b will enable you to spend less time Julie’s struggling and more time enjoying your kids. ALP allows you not just to get through difficult moments, but to connect and deepen your family relationships.

On the facing page are some scenarios where ALP can come into play:

Heather Turgeon and Julie Wright are psychotherapists who run an American-based sleep and parenting practice, helping to solve parenting dilemmas. They offer consultations all over the world for babies, toddlers and school-age children.

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MACHINEHEADZ, KANKHEM —GETTY IMAGES

A

s a parent, there are moments when you’re just trying to get by. You want your child to listen, to stop crying or complaining, to get with the program and keep moving.

But there’s a voice in the back of your head telling you that being a parent is about more than getting by.

When you think about your bigger goals as a parent, it puts the everyday struggles in a different light. Yes, you want the shoes to go on, the crying to stop and the homework to get done.

But ultimately, you want something deeper. You want a loving, strong connection with your child. You want to teach them, to support their growing brain to think creatively, to cultivate empa-

ATTUNE

LIMIT SET

PROBLEM SOLVE

Your child is sick and really upset about missing a birthday party.

It’s hard, I know you wanted to go to that party. You’re disappointed.

We’re going to stay home to let your body rest. And it’s important not to get other people sick too.

Should we plan a special playdate with your friend to celebrate?

An eight-year-old boy is angry and out of control when his video game playing time is up. He throws a glass, which hits the wall and breaks.

Additional safety step: Stop.

Everyone stay where you are. There’s broken glass. Is anyone hurt?

I get that it feels terrible to stop your game in the middle.

You may not throw or break things. It’s incredibly dangerous.

It could really hurt someone, as I’m sure you see.

What do you think we should do now? (Wait for him to suggest an action, such as getting the broom.)

Sounds like a good plan. (Later, continue.) I can help you write a list of things that are okay to do when you get angry, like tear up old newspapers or punch pillows. I’m sure you have some good ideas.

You want your child to clean up, but he’s not listening.

Yeah, picking stuff up is not so much fun. I get it. We’d both rather be doing something else in this moment!

It’s time to clean up. I’ll work on the kitchen while you work on your room. We can help each other with whatever’s left over.

Let’s get this done so we can go and shoot some hoops. Wanna choose some music to listen to while we clean? Should we race to see who gets their job done first?

“That’s not fair! How come he [their sibling] got an ice-cream after school and I didn’t?”

You saw Rex with the icecream and felt left out. I know the feeling.

Reality (in place of limit set): Rex had a tough day at school today and we decided to get ice-cream together and talk about it.

Sometimes I do this kind of thing with you, like a few weeks ago when we stopped for a smoothie on the way home from your swimming class. Remember, you were so hungry?

Mummy and I don’t always do the same things with you guys. You are each different people and have different things going on.

We also sometimes like to have special time with each of you and then you can choose what you want to do.

Your older, more rational child is building paper airplanes. The younger, tornado-like child destroys them.

Oh, man, Evelyn, I know you worked hard making all of your paper airplanes. You had quite a fleet of them.

Leah crushed them and you’re mad.

Leah, I think you were curious and didn’t know how fragile they are. Am I missing anything?

Leah, I’m going to make it a rule for now that you don’t touch Evelyn’s airplanes. The reason is that they are too delicate and fragile to play with.

Hmm, what could we do?

(Wait. If they need more scaffolding ...)

Maybe we could help Leah make some very simple paper airplanes of her own and then she can do whatever she wants with those.

And what would you think of keeping yours up on this shelf where she can’t reach them?

The kids are running around and not moving into their bedtime routine.

Additional preparation step: “In five minutes, we’ll get into Pjs. Everyone do your last thing.”

Oh, man, we’re all super energetic right now! I’m putting on some wind-down music.

It’s time for Pjs.

Anyone need help with theirs, or you got it? (Or) Anyone need an airplane lift to the bedroom?

THIS IS AN EDITED EXTRACT FROM NOW SAY THIS: THE RIGHT WORDS TO SOLVE EVERY PARENTING DILEMMA BY HEATHER TURGEON AND JULIE WRIGHT, (SCRIBE $29.99).

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e h t k as experts OUR PANEL:

HEATHER WINTER MIDWIFE SYDNEY ADVENTIST HOSPITAL

NEIL GINSBERG PAEDIATRICIAN SYDNEY ADVENTIST HOSPITAL

TRISH GUY KAREN HOLFORD ANDREW DARON PRATT NUTRITIONIST FAMILY COUNSELLOR PENNINGTON KIDS' CHAPLAIN SANITARIUM HEALTH HEARTWORDS GP SEVENTH-DAY & WELLBEING SANCTUARY LIFESTYLE ADVENTIST CHURCH CLINIC

Q What can I do to prevent future miscarriages? How about avoiding stress, reduced physical exertion or watching what I eat? Ursula, via email

Q My husband and I both have sixyear-old daughters who are in the same class at school. They used to be best friends, but my husband’s daughter has started bullying mine, recently progressing from verbal to physical bullying. We have informed the school (she is a known bully since kindy and attends play therapy once a week). What can we do to stop the bullying? Michelle, via email

and cervix weakness. Women aged 35 or over have a higher risk, particularly if they have already miscarried.

Lifestyle can have an influence—obesity, tobacco, alcohol and too much caffeine use, several herbal remedies, high levels of mercury from certain types of seafood, and even chlorine compounds in drinking water, are thought to have caused miscarriage.

However, there are lots of myths about miscarriage. Remember it is not linked to your emotional state, exercise, work, sex, air travel or spicy food.

Best advice? Be happy, look forward to the birth. Continue taking folic acid, eat healthy food, exercise regularly, don’t smoke or drink alcohol, and manage stress. Following all of these tips will give you a good chance to minimise complications. —Peter

DEAN DROBOT, KATARZYNA BIALASIEWICZ, GETTY IMAGES

One in four pregnancies results in a miscarriage. Often, miscarriage is nature’s way of dealing with chromosomal abnormalities which you can’t do anything about.

Three in four of all miscarriages happen in the first trimester.

Miscarriages from 14 weeks onwards may be due to a range of health issues of the mother, including diabetes or thyroid disease, hormone problems, immune system responses, or uterine

PETER WOOD OBSTETRICIANGYNAECOLOGIST SYDNEY ADVENTIST HOSPITAL

Bullying behaviour usually starts with a hurting heart.

When a child feels sad, lonely, not good enough, angry or hurt, or when difficult things happen in their life that they can’t control (such as major changes in family life), then all the pain that is too big for them to speak about can be expressed in hurting others. And the more pain they feel, the more likely they are to express it in powerful ways, to make sure their pain is heard by others. Usually the pain they express is only the tip of the iceberg of all their troubling emotions, so that gives us a clue that there is even more pain inside that we can’t see.

It sounds as if this little girl has a lot of deep hurt inside that may have come from experiences she had before she had the words to express herself. Sometimes young children make up their own story about why their family has changed and split up. If she somehow thinks it is her fault, she could feel very sad and guilty, and may even believe, deep down, that by behaving in this way she can bring her parents back together as they try to help her. Or she may be angry at your new family because she may think that the new family has “stolen” her father. Sometimes it can help if she can have

regular time on her own with her dad, doing something that makes her feel very special. This can often be very effective.

One thing I ask children (and adults) who hurt others is, “If the hand that is hitting could speak instead of hit, what would it tell us?” We make a big speech bubble and wonder, together with the child, what the hitting hand would say. This helps the child to express their pain and fears in more appropriate ways and helps them to find the words they need to say instead of hitting.

We also make emotional pies, by drawing a big circle, like a pie, and wondering how much of the different emotions are in their “inside” pie filling, such as sadness, anger, happiness, fear and peace. Sometimes, we also include a piece of pie called “All the feelings I don't have words for yet”. This gives us a glimpse into the range and intensity of emotions in a child’s life. For each emotion we also add how others can tell when the child has one of these emotions, and what the child would like other people to do when they feel sad or angry. Then we help children to tell parents and teachers when they are feeling a strong emotion, and what kind of support they might need.

When one child bullies another it is very troubling for everyone concerned. In stepfamilies this can put an extra strain on relationships. Talk about your experiences and concerns together and keep the wellbeing of the child as the focus rather than any interpersonal conflicts and struggles.

Sometimes family counselling can be Write to us at: very helpful in these situations because one editorial@ or more parents, and maybe other family thetabletv.com members, are with the child in the counselling sessions. Then the adults in the child’s THE INFORMATION PROVIDED IS GENERAL IN NATURE AND life can have a greater insight into the child’s DOES NOT TAKE INTO ACCOUNT YOUR PERSONAL SITUATION. experience and work with the child to find YOU SHOULD CONSIDER WHETHER THE INFORMATION IS better solutions. —Karen APPROPRIATE TO YOUR NEEDS,

SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION TO OUR PANEL OF EXPERTS

AND WHERE APPROPRIATE, SEEK PROFESSIONAL ADVICE.

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FINDING MY

identity Eliza Zawislak-Ciz (pictured left, with her family) reflects on her journey from stay-at-home mum to returning to work full-time.

MELISSA STEFANOVSKI @THE_ILLUSTRATED

W

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hen I was younger, I remember writing lists of things I wanted to achieve in life. One of the last lists I remember writing was when I was a teenager, of what I anticipated would be long-term goals for my soon-to-be adulthood: finish high school, go to university and get a degree, get a job, buy a new car, get married, buy a house and one day, have a family.

I had clear pathways on how I was going to obtain my education and for finding a job, as well as making the different purchases, so I went through my young adulthood ticking things off my list. I didn’t put much thought to the last item on my list however: having children. Even after I got married, I never really contemplated what life would look like once we went from two to three.

Of course, we were excited when we learned we were going to be parents. By this time, I had been working full-time for a few years as a school-based speech pathologist. Working with children didn’t come without its challenges, so I was looking forward to taking a break and doing something different for a while. My husband had a full-time job that he enjoyed and it seemed like we were going to follow the traditional family model I was surrounded by when growing up, where mum stays at home while dad goes to work.

We embraced the arrival of our son, as well as our new roles.

After the initial excitement settled, our new routines emerged more clearly. But this new lifestyle was very foreign to me. After a couple of months, I found myself struggling with being a full-time, stay-at-home mum. It seemed that every day was a blur of feeding, changing nappies and not getting to have a shower until late in

the afternoon. As I continued to struggle with my new reality, we decided something had to change.

When our son was around four months old, I returned to the workforce for two days a week. We were blessed with support from our family, who offered to help out with babysitting. I found that having regular work days, interactions with other adults and regaining my professional work identity brought a level of balance to my life. It helped to re-establish our routines as well as bring back a part of my identity. It seemed like we had found a great work-life balance (and the extra cash was helpful too!).

After a couple of years, my husband returned to university as a full-time student. This had an impact on my identity once again, as I went from being a part-time working mum to being the primary breadwinner. I was juggling being a mum, working professionally for four days a week and running a small online business.

The lifestyle of a full-time working mum runs to its own hectic schedule and comes with its own challenges. You feel like time is constantly working against you. At times, you feel like you are just rushing through life without having the ability to be a part of it.

And then there are the emotional challenges. The times when you start comparing yourself to other mums—especially those who are free from professional work pressures—and wish you were one of them, at least for a short while. You get the feelings of guilt when your child asks to spend time with you, but you have to rush off to work. You constantly seem to be balancing your work demands while trying to ensure that your family’s needs are met.

Being a mum has challenged and changed me in many ways.

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You need to function as a unit and that means doing things for the best of the family.

Holding onto anger is like swallowing a poison pill and hoping the other person dies.

I have been a full-time working mum for almost seven years now. I still have times when I struggle with balancing things, but over time I have come to realise that all families have their own blueprint. You need to function as a unit and that means doing things for the best of the family. The traditional “dad goes to work and mum stays at home” model is not every family’s reality. And that is OK. I am learning to be more intentional with how I use my time, to ensure I have sufficient time for things that truly matter to me.

If I could give any advice to my younger self it would be this: Don’t compare yourself or your life journey to others. Your child will not come with a manual and your parenting experience will be unique. You will be challenged and will learn lots along the way.

You will question and analyse your decisions. At times you will have more questions than answers, but don’t try to solve them all yourself. Your journey may take unexpected turns, so put your trust in God and seek His wisdom. Enjoy discovering and learning things along the way and do not feel like you need to be a “perfect” parent. There is no such thing.

Everyone has a story about being treated unfairly.

Learn how forgiveness can change your story and save your life.

In this free series about forgiveness, learn about the ways anger and hurt affect your emotional and physical wellbeing.

By understanding how and why to forgive, you can find healing from past hurts and experience true freedom.

Visit forgivetolive.org.au to begin this free series online, or return this form by mail to receive your first booklet.

WIN

WIN CHILDREN'S BOOKS!

Submit a personal story on your parenting journey, thoughts or experience and if we use your story, we’ll send you a selection of books featured on our book corner page (see page 32)! Write to us at editorial@thetabletv.com

THOMAS EYEDESIGN—GETTY IMAGES

Eliza Zawislak-Ciz is a speech pathologist who lives in Melbourne with her husband and son. She enjoys having a good conversation, gardening and long drives. She can be found @saltedpath.

QUESTIONS? LETS CHAT!

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 discover@hopechannel.com

 1300 300 389

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It has made me realise the sacrifices other mums have made for their families. It has caused me to evaluate my values and recognise what is truly important to me. It has added a layer of depth to my spiritual life and given me a deeper understanding of who God is and how He relates to us.

I have come to see my relationship with my son as a reflection of how God relates to me. The love I have towards my son simply exists—it is not something he needs to earn or work for.

As a parent, I only want the very best for my son, although sometimes our definitions of what is “best” differ significantly. If he had his way, he would eat junk food and play with his toys all day long. But I know in order for him to grow into a responsible human being, he needs to eat wholesome food, go to bed at a decent hour as well as learn a range of skills.

In order to be a successful person, he needs to develop character traits such as love, empathy, honesty, resilience, a spirit of sharing and good decision-making skills. I want him to realise that even though I love him to bits, his needs and wants are not always a priority in the scheme of things.

I feel that God has used parenthood as a practical way of teaching me specific lessons. There have been many times when I said something to my son only to realise, as the words were leaving my mouth, that these were the exact messages God wanted to say to me.

One day, I was in the kitchen and my son was asking me to do something that I knew he was fully capable of doing himself. Wanting to encourage his independence, I said, “You do what you can and I will do what you can’t.”

As I was speaking, I heard my own words. It was as if God was telling me He had equipped me with specific skills and abilities that He wanted me to use for the projects placed before me. But He was also reassuring me that when I would encounter things beyond my ability, He would be there to take over.

FORGIVE TO LIVE

SEND THIS FORM TO : Community Manager Hope Channel Locked Bag 1115 Wahroonga NSW 2076

EXERCISEwith Alisha

YOUR WEEKLY WHOLISTIC HEALTH PLAN You can choose to do a different activity of each health aspect every day or pick one you like and repeat daily!

PHYSICAL

BEYOND WORKOUTS AND GREEN SMOOTHIES

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their emotional health. Each of these facets needs to be in harmony to experience true health, which impacts our overall happiness, contentment and quality of life.

There was a fascinating study a few years back that identified the highest populations of centenarians (people who live to 100 or more) around the world. Researchers found the people in these areas, known as Blue Zones, shared nine key habits despite their vastly different cultures. The “Power 9”, as they’ve been termed, are surprisingly (or not so surprisingly) wholistic in nature.

Their habits include: • Active living • Plant-based diet and smaller meal portion principles • Daily rituals that minimise and manage stress • Purposeful living • Belonging to a tight-knit social and faith-based community • Priority placed on family Perhaps it’s worth us having a self-guided “check-in” to determine how our health is going in each of these areas. I’m certain none of us are 10 out of 10 in every one of them. I believe though, that we should be striving towards maintaining the areas that we’re on top of, and working on the ones that are lacking. Because, at the end of the day, wholistic, harmonious health is what defines true living at our best!

Alisha is Mums At The Table’s resident PT and becomes a first-time mum this month!

EMOTIONAL

SOCIAL

SPIRITUAL

Sunday

Beach walk with family

Practise deep belly breaths

Find an outlet to work through deeper issues by next week

Call a family member or friend

Connect with God through prayer each morning or evening

Monday

Ten minutes of resistance band workouts*

Write down three affirmative truth statements about myself

Hug partner for at least 20 seconds before leaving for work

Join in the discussions on Mums At The Table’s Facebook page

Think about a favourite Bible verse repeatedly through the day

Tuesday

Group fitness class at gym

Play a memory game

Write a positive note to child or partner and hide it in their lunchbox

Dinner with a friend

Share an encouraging thought with a friend

Wednesday

Ten minutes of arms and cardio workouts*

Change one negative thought into a positive one

Think about any emotional triggers and write a simple strategy for each

Meet with local hobby group

Listen to a spiritual podcast while driving around running errands

Walk children to school and back instead of driving

Read Mums At The Table magazine

Spend five minutes as a family sharing jokes

Have a friend over for Sing worship songs afternoon tea with children

Ten minutes of dynamic stretches*

Read together

Share with partner about stress and challenges of the week (be careful not to take frustration out on partner)

Bring children for a play in the park

Spend a few minutes reading the Bible

Rest day

Spend five minutes reflecting (or journalling) what I'm thankful for

Tell family members “I love you”

Potluck lunch with friends after church

Worship time at church

Thursday

Friday

Saturday MONKEY BUSINESS IMAGES, MELECIS—GETTY IMAGES

H

ave you met “Meg”? She’s that “healthy” girl who works out six times a week for an hour. She’s thin, fit, has green smoothies for breakfasts and eats raw or organic food the rest of the time.

She’s the picture of health until you dive under the surface where you discover she has an uneasy relationship with alcohol and has toxic self-talk on repeat in her mind. Due to past traumas, she also eats emotionally, often binging on junk only to starve herself for days afterwards to make up for it.

Meg may be fictitious, but her story is a familiar one. It’s an indictment on our society, where we put so much emphasis on the external, physical aspects of being fit and healthy, but miss paying attention to other elements that contribute to our health and wellbeing.

Health as we really know—as defined by the World Health Organization—is wholistic and multi-faceted. What it encompasses includes: • Physical • Mental • Emotional • Social • Spiritual The reality is, we all have work to do in each of these areas in some ways. Some of us have excellent social or spiritual health, but struggle in the area of physical health. Others, like Meg, may be doing great in the physical health space, but are really lacking in

MENTAL

D DOWNLOA THIS AS A PRINTABLE FROM .com/ thetabletv u freest ff

* See “Fitness” on thetabletv.com

Y

GIVEAWA

leash d the Un Downloa hallenge, a 21-Day C allenge to guided ch ur positive yo improve eating and , thinking s a group. a moving fitliving. unleash dc com/21

ALISHA Ten minutes every day is all you need to start on your journey to become fit and healthy. Watch Unleash Fit Living's Alisha share her workouts on the Mums At The Table TV show.

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e h t g n i n i a g Re

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he titles of some recent books say it all: The Collapse of Parenting, Toxic Childhood and Spoonfed Generation. In spite of our all-consuming desire to give our children the perfect childhood, we seem to be raising a generation that is, in many respects, ill-equipped for life in the real world.

The problem is not that we lack information, but that parents today have lost sight of the big picture. We could happily tell you our views on childcare, smacking, screen time or sugar. But very few of us could tell you exactly what we are aiming for or how we plan to get there. We can become so preoccupied with the daily details and dilemmas that we get out of tune with the bigger purpose of parenting.

At a time when I was a particularly anxious, aimless parent, I turned to the Bible. Its ancient wisdom turned out to be the perfect antidote to the problems that plagued me. When we step back to see the Bible’s big vision for parents and children, we can get our parenting back into harmony with our God-given purpose. But the Bible also confronts us with some hard truths.

LIGHT FIELD STUDIOS—GETTY IMAGES

WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR CHILDREN’S MORAL EDUCATION. When our second son had just started preschool, I got chatting to the mother of one of his classmates. She said the preschool had raised concerns about her son’s “antisocial” behaviour. Towards the end of the year, I asked how things were going; she told me her son’s behaviour had not improved. What surprised me was what the boy’s mother said next. She blamed the preschool teachers for this and wondered “What have they been doing about it all year?”

In today’s world, parents are taking less and less responsibility for their children’s moral education. In our busy lives, we struggle to commit the time and energy that the task demands. Modern parents have a growing expectation that other people—such as teachers—will pick up the slack.

In a recent American study called “The Children We Mean to Raise”, 80 per cent of the young people surveyed said they valued their personal achievement or happiness above showing concern for others. This came as a complete shock to their parents, who believed the opposite. It is one thing to hold certain values yourself, but quite another to pass them on to your children.

The Bible describes children as those “who do not yet know good from bad”. It is parents—not anybody else, including teachers—who bear the primary responsibility for teaching them. But what are the key morals or values we ought to pass on? According

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The Bible may be the unexpected solution for parents striving to raise children to be functioning, contributing adults.

By Harriet Connor

to the Bible, the most important thing to teach our children is to love God and to love (that is, do good to) other people.

But how do we teach our children to do these things? How do we pass on our values? The Bible encourages us to do it through:

• • •

our example our words: we teach, encourage and correct them training: we give them opportunities to practise doing good • setting boundaries: we clearly explain our expectations ahead of time • discipline: sometimes we let our children experience negative consequences for doing the wrong thing This kind of moral education is not something that can be rushed. It requires the most precious thing that modern parents have to give: our unhurried time and attention. And of course, our motivation is love: we love our children so much we want them to mature into adults who know right from wrong.

WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR CHILDREN’S PERPETUAL COMFORT. I know all too well that it’s easier to buy a cheap toy than to endure the tantrum of a child who is disappointed; it’s easier to switch on a flashing screen than to listen to the whining of a child who is bored; it’s easier to hand out another snack than to put up with the complaints of a child who is hungry.

But trying to shield our children from every unpleasant situation results in anxious parents and children who lack resilience. When we overprescribe the drug of instant comfort, we deny our children the chance to strengthen their immunity to hardship.

By contrast, the Bible prioritises the development of a godly character and godly values over comfort. The whole project of passing on our values—teaching our children to love God and love others—is summarised by the word discipline: “[Our fathers] disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline

FREE PRINTABLE “BIBLE VERSES FOR MUMS” AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD thetabletv.com/ freestuff

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Putting our children “second” . . . will actually benefit them in the long run.

Modern parents tend to put their children’s desires before anything else, including their marriage. When we expend all of our time and energy trying to please our children, we have nothing left to give our spouse at the end of the day. We talk to one another as “mum and dad”, exchanging information about the kids, but we don’t take the time to talk as husband and wife, sharing our joys and burdens.

But putting our children before our marriage results in parents who feel disconnected and taken for granted, and children who always expect to be the centre of attention.

Of course, very small children have legitimate needs that require our attention throughout the day. But as children grow, they need to start seeing themselves as part of a bigger community, in which their needs and desires must be balanced with those of the people around them.

The Bible teaches that the surest foundation for family life is a healthy marriage. In psychologist and parenting expert Steve Biddulph’s book, The Making of Love, researcher Moira Eastman observes: “The parents are the architects of the family system. Their relationship is the foundation stone of the whole family’s wellbeing. In the happiest families, researchers found a unique bond of love between the spouses—a relationship of equals who genuinely respected each other. The marital relationship was the strongest bond in the family.”

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B

DON’T FORGET THE GOOD NEWS! Parenting is a weighty task: we bear the primary responsibility for our children’s moral education. This sometimes involves letting them experience difficulties; it sometimes requires us to put their desires second to our marriage.

We will never do any of this perfectly—we can only ever hope to be “good enough” parents, who keep striving to live in harmony with our God-given purpose. When we fail, we can run like little children into the arms of our loving Heavenly Father, God, and rest in His inexhaustible forgiveness and strength. And we don’t have to do any of this alone. We are part of God’s big family of faith—a whole community longing to see the next generation loving others for the love of God.

Harriet Connor lives with her husband and three sons on the Central Coast of NSW. She is the author of Big Picture Parents: Ancient Wisdom for Modern Life and has degrees in Languages and Theology.

BONUS

Harriet Connor talks about what the Bible says about parenting on our show.

WATCH THE INTERVIEW AT bit.ly/HarrietConnor TableTV

GOOD STUDIO—GETTY IMAGES

PUTTING OUR CHILDREN’S DESIRES FIRST IS BAD FOR EVERYONE.

FULL-ON FOURS

By Steve Biddulph

If our marriage is to survive—and thrive—once we become parents, we need to give it the attention it deserves. This means spending time together, working hard at communication and conflict resolution, and making sure that we are parenting as a team.

Building a strong marriage sometimes means putting our children’s desires second. It means saying “No” to children who want to interrupt our adult conversation. It means saying “No” to children who want to stay up late when we had planned some couple time. It means saying “No” to that extra kids’ activity if it puts too much strain on our family.

Putting our children “second” in this way will actually benefit them in the long run. They will grow up seeing what a healthy marriage looks like, secure in the knowledge that their parents are committed to one another for the long haul.

WAVEBREAK MEDIA—GETTY IMAGES

seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:10, 11).

Hardship can be a powerful tool in our children’s moral education. Some values, such as patience and perseverance, can only be learnt the hard way. Our job is not to steer our children around the difficulties of life, but to walk alongside them through it all. When we purposely allow our children to experience small doses of hard things—disappointment, frustration, boredom or delay—we are helping them to develop their resilience to these things in later life.

PREPARING FOR THE...

oys don’t just develop at a different rate to girls. They also have unique developmental stages, triggered by hormonal shifts, which are only just being understood.

The “full-on fours” is the first of these.

Luteinising hormone levels in four-year-old boys pulsate every day in exactly the way that testosterone levels do in adults, though we do not know why. So, in a sense, four is the start of the puberty process. Whether this directly or indirectly causes the behaviour changes we have no idea.

In 2017, Professor Kate Steinbeck, a specialist in children’s endocrinology at the University of Sydney, offered her explanation of the full-on fours stage: “Is there an alternative explanation for boys’ behaviour at this age, which parents regularly report? We see differences in boys’ and girls’ brains and behaviour well before puberty. Rises in testosterone in the womb and during the mini-puberty in the first six months of life likely explain these.

“Studies that look at behaviour in four- to five-year-olds . . . show boys and girls this age generally have different ways of playing and communicating. Boys’ play is generally more physical. Girls generally have more socially interactive play, and are more articulate.

“Interestingly, girls with congenital adrenal hyperplasia, who are exposed to high levels of testosterone in the womb, tend to have more ‘rough and tumble’ play styles, consistent with a testosterone effect on early brain development.

“So how might being four or five change boys’ behaviour? At this age, children learn how to interact with others, understand another’s needs, share and to deal with new and unfamiliar situations. Boys may respond more physically and be less able to articulate what happened. Learning how to regulate their emotions is an important skill for children to develop. Parents can model good emotional regulation, make sure children have regular daily routines, enough time to practise play and enough sleep. Praising positive behaviour and not overreacting to minor attention-seeking misbehaviour also helps.

“Persistent and distressing behaviours in a child may signal underlying anxieties, reaction to family stresses or be a result of

adversities when they were younger. So, if you are concerned, seek professional advice.

“For all children, we need to prioritise time to play. That could mean space, action and permission to be noisy and boisterous.”

So, in her words, it is testosterone, but the causes are earlier in life, only coming to the fore through the stresses of being four!

There is something we need to remember here. For 99 per cent of human history, we were a very physical and lively species—we moved about all the time. In hunter-gatherer society, four-year-old boys are just leaving toddlerhood and start rapidly acquiring the stamina, strength and amazing physical dexterity needed for their adult lives. (I lived with and studied hunter-gatherer people in the mountains of West New Britain, Papua New Guinea, in the 1970s, and from the very first day I was astonished at how capable and independent small children were, often accompanying us on long journeys without any sign of fatigue. Nothing saddens me more than seeing the cooped-up tiny spaces that urban children now live in, or the way our schooling forces kids to stay sitting for long periods in the same place.)

At four, boys start onto their real boyhood and for many of them that includes a great need for movement and action. It’s a serious parental challenge to find ways for our boys (and girls) to express their physical energy safely and sociably, and still stay connected to them and their feelings so they know they are loved.

In fact, the whole challenge of being male, lifelong, is learning that it’s possible to be energetic and safe, boisterous and thoughtful, adventurous and responsible.

Understanding your boy’s nature is the first step. The second step is engaging with him and helping him to learn how to steer it well. That takes patience, empathy and good-humoured persistence.

Steve Biddulph is a psychologist and parenting expert with 40 years experience. He has changed the nature of boys’ education, brought a generation of fathers into hands-on engagement with their kids and given mothers the confidence to love their sons and not be afraid of them.

EXTRACT FROM RAISING BOYS IN THE 21ST CENTURY BY STEVE BIDDULPH (FINCH PUBLISHING), AVAILABLE NATIONWIDE.

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COOKING with Gia & Olive SPICY PUMPKIN SOUP PREPARATION TIME: 15 MINUTES COOKING TIME: 30 MINUTES SERVES: 4–6

2 tbsp chopped parsley Salt and pepper to taste 3 cups vegetable stock Optional: 1 tbsp honey

METHOD 1.

INGREDIENTS 1½ tbsp oil 6 spring onions or 1 medium onion 1 kg Kent pumpkin, cut into pieces 1 garlic clove, chopped 1 tsp cumin seeds ground 1 tsp cinnamon ground 1 tsp coriander seeds ground 1 tsp turmeric ground 1 tsp chilli (flaked, powder or fresh)

ITEMS STYLED AND PHOTOGRAPHED BY KEVIN PATERSON AND ADAM KAVANAGH

By l specia f, e h c guest w’s o h our s ist l panel n o Sh a

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Sweet Chilli Sauce PREPARATION TIME: 5 MINUTES COOKING TIME: 10 MINUTES

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3.

METHOD 1.

2.

3.

INGREDIENTS ½ cup dates, pitted ¾ cup hot water 4 garlic cloves 1 red chilli, with seeds 4 tbsp lemon juice 1 tsp salt 1 tbsp arrowroot powder ¼ cup cold water

2.

Add all ingredients to a large, heavy saucepan and cook for 20 minutes or until pumpkin is tender.

Puree with a stick blender, or in a blender or food processor (allow soup to cool a little if using a blender or food processor).

Serve with chopped parsley, yoghurt, sour cream or cheese.

4.

5.

Place dates and hot water in the blender and let sit for 5 minutes.

Add garlic, chilli, lemon juice and salt, and blend until smooth.

Pour the sauce into a pot and bring to a boil, then simmer for 5 minutes.

In a cup, mix arrowroot and cold water. Turn stove off and stir in arrowroot mixture. It should thicken very quickly.

Allow sauce to cool before storing in an air-tight jar in the refrigerator.

SOURCE: THE REVIVE CAFÉ COOKBOOK

AS SEEN ON NEW ZEALAND

Chia fruit pudding PREPARATION TIME: 10 MINUTES FRIDGE TIME: OVERNIGHT SERVES: 8

INGREDIENTS

METHOD

1 cup white chia seeds 4 cups thick 100% fruit juice or nectar in your favourite flavour (from the fridge section of the supermarket) 1 cup coconut cream Optional: 1 cup vanilla coconut yoghurt

1.

2.

Mix chia seeds, juice and coconut cream, ensuring there are no clumps of chia seeds. Refrigerate overnight.

If using yoghurt, fold in before serving with fresh fruit and cashew pear cream (see “Recipes” on thetabletv.com).

One-pot Mexican Quinoa PREPARATION TIME: 5 MINUTES COOKING TIME: 20 MINUTES (STOVETOP) 7 MINUTES (PRESSURE COOKER) SERVES: 5 INGREDIENTS ¾ cup water 1 x 400g tinned black beans or red kidney beans 2 cups frozen corn 2 cups frozen peas or mixed vegetables 1 cup quinoa (rinsed) 2 tsp garlic powder 1 tsp cumin seeds ground 1 tsp paprika ground 1 tsp oregano leaves ½ tsp chili powder 1 tsp Celtic salt 1 x 400g jar salsa of choice

METHOD 1.

2.

Mix all ingredients in your choice of cooking implement.

Stove: Bring to a boil, then simmer on low for 15 minutes or until all the liquid has been absorbed. Mix well and serve.

Pressure cooker: Secure lid, making sure the vent is closed.

Cook on high pressure for 2 minutes. Turn off and allow pressure to release naturally for 5 minutes, then turn valve to quick release. Remove lid, stir contents and serve.

GIA & OLIVE The world's cutest sous-chef and her talented mother show us how easy it is to be healthy.

Watch how quickly Gia and Olive can make these recipes on the Mums At The Table TV show.

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Just because you fell pregnant once doesn’t mean it’ll easily happen again. However, there are ways you can support your reproductive health for a better chance.

By Suvi Mahonen

KICKSTARTING

your fertility

E

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FREE PRINTABLE “FERTILITY MEAL PLAN” AVAILABLE FOR DOWNLOAD thetabletv.com/ freestuff

Her advice for women who have been on the pill is to start supporting your body. “There’s nothing you need to ‘wait’ for,” she says. “Gut health is paramount, as well as cutting down on stress.”

Dr Nat says that fertility is an extension of our health and we need to appreciate it more. “It isn’t a switch that is turned on when we are ready, it’s something we need to nurture. It’s what you do each and every day that counts. Reclaiming fertility doesn’t have to be torturous.”

Dr Alex Polyakov is a fertility specialist based in Melbourne.

FLYMINT AGENCY—GETTY IMAGES

arly-morning sun angled in through the window, casting a warm line across the floor of the procedure room. It caught the back of my infertility specialist’s head and shoulders, making the edges of his black hair glow grey.

“I’m sorry,” he said, glancing down at the printout he held in his hand. “All of your embryos were abnormal.”

I blinked. “What do you mean?” I said.

“It’s the chromosomes,” the doctor said. “There needs to be 23 normal pairs.”

“None of the embryos are normal?” I asked.

“That’s correct,” the doctor said. “It’s not that uncommon for some embryos to be abnormal. But when you’re over 35, the odds of there being abnormalities increase substantially.”

“Could it be my sperm?” my husband asked.

The doctor shook his head.

“It’s the eggs,” he said, keeping his eyes on me.

In the war against time, I had lost a key battle. A woman’s fertility starts to decline after the age of 30 and falls exponentially after the age of 38. The Gynecological Endocrinology Journal reports that a 29-year-old woman has a 40 per cent chance of falling pregnant through assisted reproductive technology. By the age of 36, it has dropped to 32 per cent and, by the age of 46, it is almost zero. Under natural conditions, the same pattern follows.

Each month, a 30-year-old woman has a 20 per cent chance of conceiving, but once you hit 40, that chance has shrunk to five per cent.

I had been on the pill until the age of 34 and, when I finally stopped taking it, I didn’t get a period for over a year. It took the drug Clomid to kickstart my ovaries again and, thankfully, I gave birth to my daughter a year later. The second time around, however, things weren’t going to plan.

Dr Nat Kringoudis is a Chinese medicine specialist, acupuncturist and natural fertility educator. She says that taking the contraceptive pill can put our hormones “offline” and can deplete our body of essential vitamin and mineral stores as well as being detrimental to our gut microbiome.

He agrees that a healthy lifestyle is the best thing we can do to support our fertility. “My advice is always to have a normal BMI (body mass index), do moderate exercise, have a healthy diet and avoid smoking, drinking and environmental toxins,” he says.

“Most people would get enough nutrients from their diet but if they are vegetarian or if they have allergies, or they don’t eat certain things, then they may not. So I would always recommend a multivitamin as well as an iron and folate supplement.”

Dr Alex says there is good evidence that the quality of eggs in women who are Vitamin D deficient can be impaired. So he also

advises women to take a Vitamin D supplement, get some exposure to natural sunlight and eat foods that are high in Vitamin D such as salmon, sardines, spinach and kale.

The most important factor affecting fertility and the quality of a woman’s eggs, however, he says, is their weight. “People are often overweight and this has a huge impact on fertility. Women underestimate how detrimental it is to the quality of their eggs.”

Dr Norbert Gleicher, medical director and chief scientist at The Center for Human Reproduction in New York, USA, has more than 40 years’ experience as an obstetrician and gynaecologist

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. . . couples need to do their own research into how to improve their fertility . . .

THE

motherhood PENALTY

40

THE NEGATIVE IMPACT ON WAGES OF HAVING A BABY

Hours spent at work BEFORE having a baby

41

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Suvi Mahonen is a Surfers Paradise-based writer. Her work has appeared in publications including The Best Australian Stories, The Weekend Australian Magazine and The Huffington Post.

4.4%

Hours spent at work AFTER having a baby

<1%

(statistically insignificant)

41

forums, articles, websites and support groups,” she told me. “I read a lot of forums and websites about improving fertility and egg quality, and whilst there was quite a list of supplements which people take, I was only keen to take those which had some evidence.”

Three months after my own devastating news I found myself standing in the neighbourhood playground, staring out at the river’s waters. Sun speckled off the wavelets created by a passing speedboat, casting bursts of candlelight-like glow over the nearby trees and my daughter’s strawberry-blonde curls.

“Faster Mum-mum, faster,” she told me sternly, detecting a lull in the swing’s momentum.

“Sorry darling,” I said, giving the black rubber harness a gentle shove. “I was busy daydreaming.”

“What’s day –” my daughter paused.

“Daydreaming,” I said, giving her swing another push. “It means thinking.”

And as I stood there, gently propelling my daughter back and forth, I kept thinking, while the chain links squeaked and the children shouted. I thought about the line of bottles on my pantry shelf. The multivitamins, the Vitamin D, the DHEA and the CoQ10.

I thought about the salmon and Greek salad I was planning for dinner. I thought about the half-an-hour of treadmill time I was going to have to squeeze in after putting my daughter to bed.

I thought about the line of Gonal-F injection pens sitting in my fridge, waiting for my next IVF cycle to begin.

I thought about how, although it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I didn’t have a second child, I still wanted one. And while my ovaries were still producing eggs I shouldn’t give up hope.

ON AVERAGE NEW MOTHERS TAKE

16 MONTHS

OFF WORK

AFTER HAVING THEIR FIRST BABY How much a woman’s hourly pay rate reduces if she has a baby and returns to work WITHIN SIX MONTHS

7–12 MONTHS

AFTER MORE THAN A YEAR

2.3

6.6

8.3

PER CENT (statistically insignificant)

PEKIC—GETTY IMAGES

and is considered a luminary in reproductive endocrinology and infertility.

He believes a woman can improve her fertility by combining two key supplements: dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA)—a hormone produced by the adrenal glands which the body converts into testosterone and oestrogen—and Coenzyme Q10 (CoQ10)—a compound that produces energy in cells and serves as an antioxidant and whose age-related decline appears to effect egg quality.

“DHEA and CoQ10 have been an integral part of our centre’s success with women with low ovarian reserve, whether due to premature ovarian ageing among young women or due to age,” he says. “We recently had a patient who delivered a healthy baby.

She was just two months shy of 48 when she had her IVF cycle, and we believe she is the oldest woman who has delivered after an IVF cycle with her own eggs.”

In a 2015 study involving more than 10,000 IVF cycles, researchers found that combining DHEA and CoQ10 supplementation significantly increased ovarian responsiveness. This was backed up by another study in 2016 involving 330 intrauterine insemination cycles and 78 IVF cycles, which again showed that supplementing with both DHEA and CoQ10 significantly improved the response of the ovaries.

In Australia, CoQ10 can be easily purchased from most pharmacies and health supplements’ stores. DHEA, on the other hand, is a prohibited substance under Australian Customs legislation and can only be obtained in Australia if it’s prescribed by a doctor and made up by a compounding pharmacist.

First-time older mother Carmella Lee, 43, is thankful she was proactive about her fertility. Despite suffering from severe endometriosis and having only one functional ovary at the age of 41, she credits taking CoQ10 with helping her fall pregnant on only her second IVF cycle with her now one-year-old daughter.

“I believe couples need to do their own research into how to improve their fertility, and we are fortunate to have access to

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GENDER PAY GAP

PER CENT

PER CENT

12.5% between mothers and fathers 5.7% between childless women and men

SOURCE: “PARENTHOOD AND LABOUR MARKET OUTCOMES”, MOTU ECONOMIC AND PUBLIC POLICY RESEARCH, NEW ZEALAND

August 2018

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SUBMIT TO YOUR HUSBAND

Christianity is sometimes regarded as a patriarchal religion. Is there a place for feminists in a Christian home?

By Melody Tan

CYANO 66—GETTY IMAGES

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oing the washing, going to the supermarket, doing the school run . . . typical activities most mums do every single week. Except, for some women, being abused by their partner is added to that list.

On average, one woman a week is murdered by her current or former partner, according to Australian violence prevention organisation, Our Watch. Normal, ordinary women, not even safe from the people they know and love. The World Health Organization estimates that one in three women worldwide who have been in a relationship have experienced some form of physical and/or sexual violence caused by their intimate partner in their lifetime.

Take a moment to fully comprehend this fact. These women are not victims of random attacks by strangers. These are women being physically and emotionally damaged by the men to whom they have given their hearts and trust, men they committed to spending the rest of their lives with, men whom they have essentially promised, “For better, for worse . . . until death do us part.”

How atrocious the death is caused by the one person they made that vow to.

Now take a moment to fully comprehend another fact: there is just as much chance that the victim and her abuser are Christians.

A 2006 Anglican Church study in the UK concluded that the incidence of abuse within Christian churches is similar to the rate within the general population. The reason why the research is more than 10 years old is because domestic violence statistics within Christian congregations are difficult to find. No wonder. Christianity Today reports that a 2014 study found domestic violence is rarely discussed in Protestant church settings.

As Isabella Young writes in The Sydney Morning Herald, “This [is] not evidence that such a problem does not exist, it is just evidence that we are too apathetic to record such things and how difficult it is to get people to speak of them.”

It seems, however, what people like to speak about is how the Bible has commanded wives to “submit yourselves to your own husbands” (Ephesians 5:22), even in the face of real, immediate danger. Chuck Colson, from Christian Headlines, wrote about a pastor who advised a woman to “try to be more submissive” when she approached him for help after her husband knocked her down, kicked her and broke her ribs. She did, and two weeks later, was dead—killed by her abusive husband.

Christian women, Isabella writes, “thought that due to what they

had been taught in church and reinforced by their spouse, that it was their duty to stay. . . . Often inappropriate statements had been made to them by their pastors, sometimes including counselling them to prayerfully ‘stick it out’ in the midst of severe abuse.”

Male headship—sometimes taught as complementarianism within Christian circles; often viewed as patriarchy by others—is a deeply entrenched tradition of the Christian church and in the context of domestic violence, extremely dangerous. Many, in fact, cite this as one of the many problems with the Christian church.

Hardly surprising in a largely secular and postfeminist world where female empowerment, women’s rights and gender equality take centre stage.

Does the Bible really render all Christian women to be meek and mild, always at the ready to conform to the authority of men? I don’t think so, and I would certainly hope not.

Before I explain why, it would probably be helpful to provide a little background. I converted to Christianity (from agnosticism) when I was 18 after a series of events too long to describe here, and following some deep research on the historical evidence for Jesus. I attended a Christian university (even minored in Religion), have spent a good part of my career working for the Christian church and am an active member of my local church. While like most Christians I have experienced crises of faith, almost 20 years later I love, trust and rely on God more than ever.

I also consider myself a feminist. There is a lot of confusion when it comes to the feminist label—not all of them favourable— so I think it necessary to explain my definition. I believe in feminism in its purest form: equal opportunities, equal rights and equal treatment for both genders. This isn’t about overthrowing men or being blind to the fact gender differences do exist, but simply advocating non-discriminatory attitudes and actions.

At the same time, I am no theologian. I cannot provide a debate on Christian apologetics and I most certainly cannot argue convincingly what certain words in the Bible meant in the original language, or the historical context in which the different parts of the Bible were written. All I can give is my interpretation of the Bible, guided by pastors, authors and scholars I respect, with a large dose of prayer and faith that I am being obedient to God in my understanding.

I believe it is possible to be a Christian and a feminist, even in the face of Bible verses such as “Wives, submit yourselves to your

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Biblical submission of a wife to a husband isn’t about giving up power . . .

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Our cuss s dis t s i l l pane e topic. th AT ORE M T OU ion FIND /Submiss y l . s i m bit emin F d n A

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Did you know we have a Facebook community where you can join in the conversation on our show segments, magazine articles and much more? Recently, we asked our members: 1. WOULD YOU LET YOUR KIDS PLAY WITH TOY GUNS?

5–11 AUGUST

• •

to make the right decisions for our family, who is humble enough to ask and value my opinion, and who is gentle enough to discuss disagreements without physical or mental manipulation. But most of all, I submit to my husband because I know he will willingly submit himself to me if the situation ever calls for it. We are partners in our relationship, both made in God’s image.

In fact, for all the focus on the Bible asking for wives to submit to their husbands, many have forgotten another text, where the instruction for Christian households is to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21).

“Biblical marriage is about mutually submitting to one another and, individually and together, to Christ, with no earthly, corruptible conduit. The mutual respect under God of this type of marriage provides no gendered licence to dominance by either wife or husband,” writes Johanna.

Christianity and feminism are not mutually exclusive words, not when both parties are submitted to each other and to God. Melody Tan is editor of Mums At The Table magazine and a regular panellist on Mums At The Table TV show. She lives in Sydney with her husband and her son.

If you have experienced sexual assault, domestic or family violence:

CALL 1800 737 732 AUSTRALIA 0800 456 450 NEW ZEALAND

FOR HELP

Are tasers the answer?

Lifestyle medicine expert Dr Darren Morton on the secrets for a happy life.

12–18 AUGUST

•

Suicide survivor Lauren Darlington shares her story of hope.

Ending the dream of shared bikes.

19–25 AUGUST

• •

What to do if your child is a quitter.

Dr Amantha Imber, innovation psychologist, on how to empower kids to be entrepreneurs.

RAWPIXEL

•

Bev: They’ll use their fingers. Or a stick. Or anything they can. It’s a stage.

Cindy: I would never give my children weapons as toys but . . . it’s not our right to force our preferences/opinions on [other mums].

26 AUGUST–1 SEPTEMBER

• •

Delaying marriage, declining fertility? What does science say?

Why you shouldn’t lie to kids about food.

2. SHARE YOUR HANDY FIRST-TIME MUM HINTS. Ngareta: Trust your mum instinct, you know your child better than anyone.

CATCH US AT CYANO 66—GETTY IMAGES

husbands.” I believe the Bible’s instructions to wives can be obeyed without disrupting the delicate balance of gender equality so painfully fought for by my sisters before me, and under no circumstances do I believe they mean staying in an abusive relationship, be it physical, emotional or spiritual.

As a wife and a mother, I am fully prepared and willing to acknowledge the authority of my husband, simply because of what the rest of the Bible says: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her . . . husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies” (Ephesians 5:25–28).

What this means to me is choice. A wife chooses to submit to her husband if—and only if—he loves her as much as he loves himself, as much as Christ loved humanity. And we know just how much God loves us: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16). Why wouldn’t I submit to a man (or anybody, male or female, for that matter) who treasures me as much as he does himself, would sacrifice everything for my wellbeing and has only my best interests at heart?

“This astonishing Christ-like love . . . elevated the wife at a time of institutionalised cultural devaluation to be equal to her husband, and was the ultimate act of #HeForShe (the UN campaign for Gender Equality),” writes Johanna Harris Tyler for The Drum.

Biblical submission of a wife to a husband isn’t about giving up power or neutralising gender equality. I submit to my husband because he has earned my respect as somebody who is wise enough

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Sherilee: Don’t neglect the importance of adult friendships. You don’t have to be with your child 24/7, and if you don’t love every moment, that’s OK! Relax into it. Ask for advice if you need it. Love yourself, love your child and love your God. FOR MORE

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PRESCHOOL

BOOK CORNER WE’RE GETTING A CAT! Vivian French & Salvatore Rubbino Walker Books $24.99 Get this book only if you are actually planning to get a cat for the family. Otherwise, you will likely have no peace. A good resource to prepare your children for a cat, with practical feline care advice weaved around an amusing story with lovely watercolour illustrations.

PRIMARY FOR MUMS

Deeply fascinating, this is a book about the journey of those who, through the ages, have travelled across treacherous seas to call Australia home. It’s a longer read, probably more suited to an older primary audience, with an informational spread at the back for those interested in historical facts.

NOW SAY THIS Heather Turgeon, Julie Wright Scribe Publications $29.99

You get more than just theories with this book, written by two mums who are also practising clinicians (so you know their advice is sound and tried and tested). A parenting style that will suit those who want to provide a loving environment for their children, but often find themselves losing their cool. Not only do they teach you the rationale behind their “Attune, Limit Set, Problem Solve” strategy, they provide common real-life scenarios and words you can actually say when faced with those difficult parenting moments. Suitable to use with children from babies to school-age.

August 2018

Devon Sillett & Cara King EK Books $24.99

WHEN I’M OLDER

WIN

Isa Flory, Neil Flory & Somak Chaudhary Allen & Unwin $19.99

A sweet little story about the bond between grandma and granddaughter. A story about memories, a story about stories, a story about the love that makes us family and hopefully a story that will encourage your little one to discover their own family story.

Children will delight in the silly rhymes and funny clay creations used to illustrate this book, while adults sit in awe of the attention to detail of the clay masterpieces. A cute exploration into the quintessential childhood question.

OUTDOOR MAKER LAB

A-Z OF AUSTRALIAN ANIMALS

THE GOAT

This is a book every budding scientist should have. Not only is it filled with projects using everyday materials, the science behind every experiment is explained. The colourful photos that accompany the step-bystep instructions make this an easy-to-follow and valuable resource.

As much a book you would buy to gift to someone as you would for your own child, this is a fantastic picture book “encyclopaedia” for the animal-obsessed young person. Journey through the alphabet and learn about Australian wildlife with great facts and sharp illustrations.

WIN

Donna Rawlins, Heather Potter & Mark Jackson Black Dog Books $27.99

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Tania Ingram & Jennifer Harrison Penguin | Viking $24.99

Perfect for the risk-averse child, this book will hopefully inspire them to step out of their comfort zone to try new things and experience the adventures that are out there. Teacher notes are available for download.

WAVES

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OMA’S BUTTONS

SCAREDY BOOK

Robert Winston DK $29.99

Jennifer Cossins Lothian Children’s Books $26.99

WIN

WIN

TEACHER Gabbie Stroud Allen & Unwin $29.99

If you’re a parent with a child in school or about to attend one, you need to read this memoir. It will give you a better understanding and deeper empathy for the people who have chosen to make the important task of teaching children—yours included—a career. It will also give you an insight into the Australian education system and perhaps help you make up your mind about standardised tests and grades. The narrative is such you feel like you’re reading a novel; it’s powerful and moving and may even invoke some tears.

Anne Fleming Pushkin Children’s $16.99

The stories of residents in an apartment block are intertwined in this equally hilarious and sweet story about love and facing your fears—and a goat that lives on the roof. An entertaining read that encourages you to look beneath the surface.

Note: You may need to explain the concept of death and reincarnation to your children.

WIN THESE ! !

S K O BO HOW T U O D FIN E 14 ON PAG August 2018

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r a i n y d ay

MUMS AT THE TABLE MAGAZINE

DOWNLOAD THIS AS A PRINTABLE FROM thetabletv. com/freestuff

REAL WOMEN | REAL CONVERSATIONS | REAL ISSUES

INDOOR ACTIVITIES

MAKE YOUR OWN SLIME

CONTACT ART

Give your children a science lesson without them even realising it.

All you need is water, cornflour and some food colouring, and let them find out why the runny slime turns solid when punched!

Stick some contact on a wall or window, with the sticky side facing out. Provide child with bits and pieces for them to stick on the contact.

CUBBY HOUSE

You may need a bit of space (and preferably two children) for this, but as the name suggests, replace normal ping pong balls with a balloon and watch them go for it with table tennis bats. You can even try making your own bats with paper plates and sticks for handles.

Drape sheets over furniture. Fill with cushions, blankets, stuffed toys or books. If you’re lucky, they may even fall asleep!

Y MONTHL COPY!

Act out scenes from their favourite storybook or stage a puppet show.

Join the mums at The Table community today and enjoy:

SENSORY BOX (MESS ALERT!)

BAKE

Fill a container with rice, dried beans or cous cous. Provide child with cups, scoops or spoons to dig in or transfer contents between.

They can help stir, knead and even form shapes or cut them out using cookie-cutters. Then enjoy further peace when they’re devouring the snacks after they come out of the oven.

FIZZY TRAY Fill a shallow dish with a thin layer of bicarb. Mix food colouring in cups of white vinegar. Pour coloured water onto bicarb using eye droppers, teaspoons or reused sauce bottles. Sit back and watch it fizz.

FINISHED WITH THIS MAGAZINE? PASS IT ON TO YOUR FRIENDS!

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