Short Story
lifestyle
PRODIGAL RETURN by DIANA ELVIN My dear Gregory, How lovely to hear from you at last and, hopefully, to see you soon. Your dad and I do understand how difficult it is for you to get away when you are in such demand and that if you are offered a star part which involves you haring off abroad just when we were expecting you here, you have to grab the opportunity. We understand, but, Gregory, it has been YEARS! We followed your meteoric rise to fame with great pride. Obviously, we watch your TV appearances but, alas, getting to any of the theatres would have involved an overnight stay and that is just not possible, because of all the animals. We did follow your suggestion of ‘Pet Sitters’ but they all, although initially keen, surprisingly found they were ‘fully booked’ once they had all the details! We respect your belief that it is wrong to ‘muck about with nature’ but when one is caring for creatures of a sociable and obliging disposition one is soon swamped. Obviously, the original cats, dogs, rabbits and guinea pigs have moved on to that ‘pet paradise’ in the sky but there are now plenty of their offspring underfoot to keep us busy. The parrot is still around and likely to be so for a good many years. Did you know that this breed can live to be a hundred? Most don’t, admittedly, but Roland shows every sign of enjoying life to the full and being keen to stay around indefinitely. He spouts a lot of words that he must have picked up from you because I can assure you that he did not learn them here. It is most embarrassing when visitors call because he enjoys company and shows off at full volume. We had no idea of the hazards posed to parrots in the normal domestic home. Glass they fly into, fires ditto, knitting and string they get themselves entangled with, sharp objects they injure their silly selves with, electric wiring they nibble and Roland narrowly avoided getting a shock and/ or setting the house alight. Pens, pencils and matches all pose problems as we learnt the hard way. The vet added that aerosols, smoke and the fumes from heated non-stick surfaces can be lethal. Imagine how difficult it has been to keep the bright and adventurous Roland safe. He is adorable and loving but has been very, very wearing.
He loves fruit and is furious if he sees a human eating some delicacy he feels should be his. Apples are his favourite, grapes are fine as long as they have pips – the seedless sort get spat out, making a squashy mess and oranges give him a ‘good clear-out.’ We learnt fast, of necessity, but fuller instructions would have helped. We had no idea that parrots like pasta until Roland swooped over and removed a mouthful from the plate of a friend. We had invited her over for a meal, intent on persuading her that he was so well behaved and easy to care for (which, by and large, he usually is - now that we have ‘parrot-proofed’ the place) that he would be no trouble for her to look after while we had a short break. Needless to say, we didn’t get our holiday – I think she had made up her mind even before he dived head first into her yoghurt. When he was sick over the settee the vet revealed that it is normal for a parrot to regurgitate food before a prospective mate. He was merely offering his stomach contents to his lucky owners in the absence of a suitable partner. Did you know they did this? A word of warning would have been helpful. There isn’t a wooden chair in the place left unchewed but, admittedly, Rodney leaves untouched those remnants of curtains that the cats have already shredded. You say you miss the animals and would like to take them back with you to your latest home. We have grown very fond of them but feel it would not be right for us to hang on to them when they really belong to you. Lots of love and looking forward so much to seeing you, Mum PS. Come soon son. Bring a large van. Love, Dad
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September 2021 Life in... Orpington 25
