BY BILL HOEBEE I receive many emails everyday at my radio station, but recently I got one that caught my eye. It went something like this: “Mr. Hoebee, my wife and I live in Miami and are recently retired school teachers. We listen to your show every afternoon while having happy hour with our neighbors. We love your smart ass remarks about life in the Keys; with your stories about bums, drag queens, chicken problems, etc… We now read the Key West Citizen online and are amazed with how tame the stories seem after hearing your version. Are you embellishing them or do you know stuff the paper won’t print? “ So I wrote back “I never lie” and sent them a version of The Hoebee Gazette to give them a “backstage” look at what “really” happens here (back me up on this, ok?). The following are a short list of the headlines (faux!) I responded with: 18 KWBT
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BEGGAR TURNS REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY INTO
PANHANDLING BONANZA The local beggar commonly known on the mean streets of Key West as “Thomas the Waffle Whiffer” has been setting the panhandling world on fire with his amazing money making abilities. His biting wit, poster making skills, and mastery of reverse psychology know no bounds. When asked how he stumbled upon this begging goldmine, Tom, with his usual cheerful attitude, told this reporter to commit unspeakable acts upon himself with a garden hose. I gracefully declined. Tom’s carefully worded begging signs pretty much say it all. The following are a few of my fave’s: “Don’t even think about throwing any of your HARD EARNED money in my derby, really don’t, unless you really feel like it.”
Tom poses this introspective question to his clients in his food begging coup de gras, “What are you going to do, carry those leftovers around all fucking night? I’ll take ‘em, but I’m not askin’”.And just when you think he’s done, he turns the sign around and it says “What am I, some kind of animal? How about kicking in a few bucks for cutlery and a beverage, you cheap bastard?” Or, “I’ll give you a hug for a dollar OR I won’t for $2”. Or the classic, “If you’re reading this sign you already owe me 10 bucks, but I’m in a good mood, so toss me a $5 and we’ll call it even.” Thomas is said to be considering spending some of his windfall on hiring the Little River Band and the Thompson Twins for a free concert in the park.