Fostering Families Today - From the Family - November 2021

This column focuses on the perspective of parents whose children enter the foster care system. jeremiah Donier is a dad who successfully worked through a plan for reunification. Now, he serves as a mentor to other parents in similar situations and provides the valuable insight only offered by those with lived experience.

THE POWER OF PARENT //1 t'

By jeremiah Donier

the most wonderful time of the year," says a popu lar winter season song. As the days grow darker and colder, my thoughts turn to the warmth and comfort children often find in families . When my chi ld entered foster care, I hoped she would be in a caring home that supported my fami ly's connection .

S

Unfortunately, my chi ld's resource caregivers were unsupportive. This made it difficult to demonstrate I was becoming a safe and nurturing parent.

I worried daily about how my baby was being cared for. Thankfully, it doesn't need to be this way for other parents, wh ich is why I became a family consultant.

According to the Child Welfare Information Gate\fVay, "Resource fami lies, which include foster parents,

22 •

FOSTERING FAMILIES TODAY •

foster-to-adopt families, and kinship caregivers, are critical partners for child we lfare professionals because they provide care for children who cannot live with their parents, and they can play a supportive role in reunification."

Across the country, many organ izations are finding ways to support partnerships between bio parents and resource parents. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Administration for Children and Families created the Center for States. This project helps child welfare organizations and professionals build capacity to strengthen, implement and sustain effective child we lfare practice and achieve better outcomes for chi ldren, youth and families. According to the Center's brief on "Strategies for Building a Culture to Partner with Fami lies," Kansas used icebreaker

NOVEMBER/DECEMBER 2021

meetings to improve relationships between parents and resource pa rents. The icebreaker conversatio ns began just days after a ch ild entered out-of-home care. Th is led to partnerships that decreased child stress, minimized placement trauma, eased parents' fears and increased the chances of t imely reunification.

The brief explained that although resource parents play a vita l role in children's health and we ll-being, they are not replacement parents. It works best for agencies to clarify resource fami lies' ro les and expectations, while also supporting parent partnerships.

How can resource parents break the ice?

"I th ink the simplest question not a lot of foster parents are brave enough to ask is to say to the parent, 'How can I help you? How can I be a service to

is happening and start over," said Rodgers. "It needs to be about relationships and working together, even if you need to grind you r teeth.

No matter how angry you are, figure out a sma ll way to say tha nk you."

you?"' said Dr. Melinda Feola-Mahar, foster parent and Center for States lead writer. "As a foster parent I am in service to this child, and by extension in service to this family, and that is how I want to frame it to [the parents].

How can I be of service? It brings everyone's guard down; it steals the thunder."

Like most other family programs, the Birth Resource Parent Partnership was impacted by the pandemic, but not all outcomes were negative.

Feola-Mahar exp lained the process takes cultural humility. According to the brief, this ongoing process invo lves self-exploration and selfcritique combined with a willingness to learn from others. It means entering a relationship with another person to honor their beliefs, customs and va lues. It means acknowledging differences and accepting that person for who they are.

What are examples of parent partnerships that work?

In 2017, Th e Birth Resource Parent Partnership began in Sonoma County, California, through the grassroots efforts of jody Rodgers, birth parent mentor, and Robyn Robbins, foster parent mentor.

"We went from a conversation to a pilot to a program. Our dream was to come up with a way to provide re lationship-bui lding skills and support for everybody," said Robbins. 'Trust is so important. It took talking to the department so I could supervise parents during visits."

Robbins explained how mentors provided an intervention between a birth mother and foster mother who were in conflict by having them sit together for a heart-to-heart. After sharing insecurities, it led to more comfortable and candid conversations on topics such as having the child stay with the foster mom on a visit

"Robyn did some phenomenal stuff through COVID. She mentored a second-time involved mom," said Rodgers. 'The baby was detoxing, and she got mom into [the] hospital, to sit with and comfort the baby. When the mom realized the effect she had on her baby, it changed things for her.

Now the mom is wel l on her way to reunification."

Photos courtesy of ]ody Rodgers Birth parent mentor Jody Rodgers, left, and foster parent mentor Robyn Robbins, right, share their experiences during a conference.

day because it was her birthday.

Later, when the birth mom needed an interve ntion, the foster mom provided support without further invo lvement by social services.

"You cannot take a family out of children," said Robbins. "You've got to support relationships, not take them apart. Nourish attachments the child has: family, guardians, teachers, whoever is part of the child's life."

"For parents that are struggling, it is important to take a look at what

Taking time to understand bio parents' perspectives rather than labe ling makes a huge difference in building partnerships. Rodgers emphasized the importance of resource families understanding that birth parents never decide to become addicts or get invo lved with domestic abuse or child protective services. She explained that during the icebreaker process, once the parent partners step into a room together, they begin recognizing how human everyo ne is.

"It is not about saving children, it is about healing families. Part of supporting chi ldren is supporting the people they love," Rodgers said . "If you're here to adopt a child, that is OK, but remember we should always support reunification, and chi ldren should always have a relationship with their birth families. The child that needs you the most, the one you need to adopt, will come. It may not be this child or the next chi ld. I promise the

NOVEMBER/DECEMBER 2021

•

FOSTERING FAMILIES TODAY •

23

chi ld that needs you more than anyone else in the world will come to you."

-

If a resource family cannot give direct support, what can they do?

Wash ington State's Parents for Parents program works within the dependency court system. It is led by birth parents, officially known as parent allies, who work with attorneys, judges, social workers, guardian ad litems and foster parents. Immediately after shelter care hearings newly involved parents

Eberhardt and Cantamessa want resource families to understand the process takes time. "[Birth parents] might feel flared up at first, feel ing [that] placement is better than us. Or [they] might see foster parents as a 'them.' If foster parents come in early and say, 'I am here to keep your kid safe, so you can work on what you need to do.'

This is helpful and supportive," said Ambrosia. "Sometimes foster parents

"One of the most powerful things that foster parents can do is connect birth parents with a peer program. If they cannot do anything else, find out about a peer program and connect birth parents with it. [Birth] parent allies reach out when a parent is struggling with care and concern because we want parents who need resources and support to successfully navigate the system." are invited to a Dependency 101 class to learn from peers who successfully resolved case issues and achieved permanency.

are our first examples of modeling a healthy lifestyle. For me, it was hope that I might someday have what my child's foster parent had."

Ambrosia Eberhardt, statewide family impact manager, and Heather Cantamessa, national family impact program manager for the Children's Home SocietyofWashington, shared how this state-mandated program began and grew to all 39 counties.

"One of the most powerful things that foster parents can do is connect birth parents with a peer program," Cantamessa said. "If they cannot do anything else, find out about a peer program and connect birth parents with it. [Birth] parent allies reach out when a parent is struggling with care and concern because we want parents who need resources and support to successfully navigate the system."

"When parents start out it is just them, - the class brings things into perspective, parents learn they are part of their team," said Cantamessa. "When we invited Guardian ad Litems to the class ... they encouraged parents to reach out so they can connect with the child's services and support," Cantamessa said. "Having various representatives in the class helps educate the parents on the roles of each court stakeholder and tips on how to work with them."

24 •

FOSTERING FAMILIES TODAY •

Cantamessa explained how she saw parent partnerships make a difference many times.

"We want a community around our children and around us," Cantamessa said. ''The best way to support

NOVEMBER/DECEMBER 2021

children is to support their parents.

Parent allies share what it is like to struggle with intergenerational poverty, adequate housing, enough food and simple things to start the day. Birth parents need privacy and confidentiality too. [Birth parents] need supporters, not reporters."

Parents for Parents is working on expand ing to other interested states and tribal jurisdictions. Research by the National Council of juvenile and Family Court judges determined the program led to increased compliance in court-ordered case plans, visitation and maternal participation at key court events, as we ll as the li ke lihood of reunification. Recent data from a long-term evaluation by the Capacity Building Center for Courts and the University of Nevada found parent participation in Dependency 101 and additional peer mentoring significantly increased reun ification rates. •

jeremiah Donier serves as a family consultant with more than 15 years of lived expertise in behavioral health child development, domestic violence, protective factors, multi-generational adversities and responsible fathering. As a volunteer and contracted consultant, he serves on dozens of projects to keep children safe, help youth thrive, build strong families and create supportive communities. By reflecting upon data and emerging issues, he helps others connect data with ideas in order to create family-friendly policy, practice and programs at the local, state and national level. Donier lives on Whidbey Island with his wife and two children and also works part-time as a library associate. In june 2012, Donier was named one the American Bar Association's first Reunification Heroes.

In 2019, he was honored with a Casey Excellence for Children Award.