Fostering Families Today - From the Family - September 2021

This column focuses on the perspective of parents whose children enter the foster care system. jeremiah Donier is a dad who successfully worked through a plan for reunification . Now, he serves as a mentor to other par~nts in similar situations and provides the valuable insight only offered by those w ith lived experience.

NURTURING CHILD ATTACHMENT By jeremiah Donier

ccording to the Child Welfare _Information Gateway, "A child's early experience of being nurtured and developing a bond with a caring adu lt affects all aspects of behavior and development." Someone without nurturing expertise might wonder: How do bonds form? Why are attachments vital? How can parents be supported to maintain a child's attachment?

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The bond between parent and chi ld is different in each case; this is true of birth mothers, birth fathers, relative caregivers, and foster and adoptive parents. When I first became a father, I struggled to bond with my baby because of my adverse experiences.

Thankfully, my family received support from the Circle of Security parentch ild attachment program, which helped me learn how to be bigger, wiser, stronger and kind.

How do bonds form?

John Bowlby, the originator of attachment theory, determined a bond between mother and baby is made prenatally. Bowlby suggested the physical connection creates an

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intense emotional and social attachment, a biological need for infants and mothers to stay in contact. However, he also determined a continual disruption of the infant-mother attachment can result in long-term cognitive, social and emotional difficulties for the child.

"Secure attachments are created from reliable, consistent and pleasurable patterns for comfort that are fixed in a baby's brain through smell, touch and sound," said Dr. Kyle D. Pruett, child psychiatrist at the Yale Child Study Center. "However, attachment theory has been found to be essentially useless in explaining what is going on between fathers and children."

In his book "Fatherneed: Why Father Care is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child," Pruett notes several enriching differences between maternal and paternal attachment. His research found attachment between fathers and babies are created through intimate social-emotional events, unique moments for each parent-chi ld pair. Studying bonding moments, he discovered mothers

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and fathers typically take different but equally important approaches to nurturing.

"The way a dad holds his baby, more commonly facing out than when mom does, hints at feeling his job might be different than hers - more of a 'Let's see what the world has for us today' than 'I've got you S?fe and secure right here over my heart,'" Pruett said.

After early struggles with parent-child attachment, Pruett's book and the Circle of Security gave me confidence to become a nurturing parent. I set aside past hurts, my ineffective parenting model, and made a better bond with my child. I realized my role was different than my child's mother, but we could nurture together.

Why are attachments vital?

Extensive research acknowledges healthy attachments are vital to long-term child well-being. The Child Welfare Information Gateway notes "babies who receive affection and nurturing from their parents have the best chance of healthy development."

What about babies with a brief con-

nection with birth fami lies because of early separation through adoption or foster care?

A May 2021 World Health Organization study found the survival for low-birth-weight babies greatly increases with skin-to-skin contact starting at birth and continuing during the first few hours of life. It suggests attachment and nurturing at the start of life may be just as important. A two-year follow-up study on the same babies may soon confirm this.

"We made a startling discovery," said researcher Dr. Nils Bergman, referring to an earlier study. "When babies separate from mothers, the heart rate variability triples, deep sleep is significantly reduced and there is no sleep cycling. The absence of the mother, even for a short period, doubles cort isol for full-term infants. In preterm babies, cortisol is 10 times higher for babies in incubators than for babies skin on skin."

Twenty-five years ago, Bergman and his wife Jill began investigating the benefits of skin-to-skin in remote African villages where incubators were unavailable. Their findings led the couple to become strong advocates of skin-to-skin contact between newborns and parents.

"We have a window here, for the first 1,000 minutes- mother and baby are skin on skin, the baby is altering the mother's mind," said Bergman.

"Keeping mother and baby touching allows them to get to know one another intimately."

recovering from a difficult birth, such as a cesarean. "Fathers have a special role to play as the baby can sleep on him without the stimulation of the smell of breastmilk," said Bergman.

"The baby is born, but in this way, the family is born too."

However, access to the mother is not always practical for low weight birth babies. Bergman noted to make the continuous skin-to-skin process humane, possible and susta inable, then a surrogate can provide respite to the mother. The father is preferable, but if needed it can be another regular family member. While presenting findings to the Academy of Breastfeeding Medicine, Bergman suggested skin-to-skin helps rewire a father's brain to be more nurturing. His research indicates 30 to 60 minutes of contact helps a father and baby bond.

How can parents be supported to maintain a child's attachment?

The 1980 Adoption and Child Welfare Act recognizes the best interest of ch ildren is placement in the most family-like setting available, and in close proximity to the parents' home.

Loving homes provided by resource and relative parenta l caregivers are definitely the most family-like placements. However, being close to birth parents often proves difficult, this was especially true duri ng the 2020 pa ndemic.

"Our study aim is to do immed iate, meaning starting in the first minute, contact. Babies younger than 32 weeks very likely need support," said Bergman, "and then it may be easier and practical to do this C?n a hea lthy father than a mother being operated on or needing care herself."

Jill Bergman notes a father's support with the baby can also help a mother

In its February 2021 Supportive Virtual Family Time study, Partners for Our Children highlighted key challenges and innovative ideas in maintaining child attachment.

"A sudden shift to virtual only contact meant both parents and caregivers were in need of support to navigate these changes," the study said. "In the virtual context, tensions in these relationsh ips may be more visible to children as t hey witness both families

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interacting with one another more directly and frequently."

The study highlights five "family time" tenents for ma intaining and nurturing bonds: 1. Preparation: plan ahead for activities, what to bring, and what emotions might arise.

2. Communication: support open communication between parents, children and caregivers.

3. Emotions: help to connect how emotions not related to family time can impact family time.

4. Connection: intentionally use family time to enhance the parent-child connection.

5. Transition: help parents and children to transition in and out of family time.

"Family time is important for supporting, maintaining and in some cases building the parent-child bond," said Laura Orlando, researcher and Partners for Our Children Strive Project Director. "It's an important vehicle for reducing trauma for both parents and children. It can be a time for parents to try out new skills that they are lea rning through parenting programs and supports reunification efforts."

The December 2014 Partners for Our

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Children brief notes regular communication and visits "can decrease the sense of abandonment that children often experience when they are removed ." The brief notes the time needed for visits differs according to the child's age. From birth to 5 years old, family time should be at least one hour, five days a week. Visits for school-aged children should be at least one hour, two to three days a week. Teenagers should have weekly family time for 30 minutes to one hour.

However, conflict can arise during placement, when many birth parents worry about children being in a strange place. Likewise, confused little ones calling someone else "mommy" or "daddy/' can trigger a mix of feelings. To ease concerns and learn about the children's needs, talk with the caseworker about setting up "comfort calls" as soon as placement starts.

"Comfort calls really build the foundation and lay that trust and relationship for not only the ch ild to see and observe, but also the biological family to witness and the current foster parent or caregiver to be exposed to," said Fawn Moore, regiona l program manager for Florida Department of Children and Families.

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It makes a difference when birth parents feel foster and relative parental caregivers are part of the family team. The Child Welfare Information Gateway said, "when parents and children have strong, warm feelings for one another, chi ldren develop trust that their parents will provide what they need to thrive, including love, acceptance, positive guidance, and protection." •

jeremiah Donier serves as a family consultant with more than 15 years of lived expertise in behavioral health, child development, domestic violence, protective factors, multi-generational adversities and responsible fathering.

As a volunteer and contracted consultant, he serves on dozens of projects to keep children safe, help youth thrive, build strong families and create supportive communities. By reflecting upon data and emerging issues, he helps others connect data with ideas in order to create familyfriendly policy, practice and programs at the local, state and national level.

Donier lives on Whidbey Island with his wife and two children and also works port-time as a library associate.

In june 2012, Donier was named one the American Bar Association's first Reunification Heroes. In 2019, he was honored with a Cosey Excellence for Children Award.