This new column focuses on the perspective of parents whose children enter the foster care system . jeremiah Denier is a dad who successfully worked through a plan for reunification. Now, he serves as a mentor to other parents in similar situations and provides the valuable insight only offered by those with lived experience.
By jeremiah Donier
In
the best of times, many fathers are misunderstood, seen as inept or indifferent. An angry dad is unwanted, and often immediate ly excluded. Although there are many reaso ns why aggressive men are excl uded from social services, most are not valid for many fathers, particularly non-resident dads who struggle wit h adversity. I know from persona l and professional experience that this exclusion is not traumainformed - it is often based on fear of t he unknown rather than immediate risk. As a lived expert, I understand the duality of fear between dads and caseworke rs. Professiona ls oft en hesitate to engage, whi le dads tend to distrust t he process. This often leads to delays and denia ls of essential
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FOSTERING FAMILIES TODAY
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services. Duri ng my fami ly's case, it took a month longer for my approval to th e same program as my wife and ch ild. I remember meeting with others about anger and domestic violence concerns. Despite having no violent hist ory and my wife com ing to my defense, social services wa nted me to step away from my baby and t hree-p lus yea rs of marri age. No one underst ood why I fel t angrybecause of exclusion, fa lse things said about me and a lifet ime of adversities. My fam ily's financ ial insecurities added to my frustrati on. From t he st art, I was assessed my wife's child support portion because she was unemployed. It did not matter t o socia l services that I became unemployed in order to participate in fami ly services for more t han 40 hours pe r week. Over t he next
MAY/jUNE 2021
two years, other t han chi ld-specifi c assistance, my fami ly was den ied food, housing and hea lthcare support. I pa id off my chi ld support arrears after return ing to work but lost my fami ly's home to foreclosure. Looking back, my eco nom ic adversit ies are mino r compared to the many fathers who face fina ncia l insecurit ies and other disadva ntages. I am one of the lucky dads because I overca me my anger and re united my fami ly. With the support of a counselor, I reflected upon and gri eved my childhood experiences while learn ing to become a nurturing father. Addressing trauma and sharing my feel ings was not easy, but it was made possible by the intentiona l, wise, kind and empathetic support of others. After closing my case