Session 3 3.1
Self-image and self-esteem
Self-esteem is tied to your self-image. What is selfimage? Everyone has an image formed of others and themselves. You can think someone is smart, funny, and loyal, or boring and stupid. The opinion you have about yourself and others can correspond with reality more, or less. The way you think about yourself and others, largely determines how you interact with others. The image we have of ourselves, is not always conscious, but it does determine how we feel, and it affects our behaviour. If you think of yourself as boring and say you have a reception this afternoon, then you are at risk of acting reserved, being silent and thus confirming you are boring. Then the vicious circle is complete. Because our self-image is key to what we do, it is important to know if our self-image matches the reality. Someone with a positive self-image is very capable of facing his weaknesses and admitting mistakes and blunders. You will not talk yourself down, but you see it the way it is, it is something to learn from. You do not have to think: ‘how stupid of me, I’m an idiot’. Someone with a positive and realistic self-image thinks: ‘next time I will do it differently.
Session 3
3.1.1 The use of self-reflection Self-reflection means that you dare to face your thinking and behaviour. It is the ability to look at yourself critically. It is useful and can help you to improve behaviour. Knowing where you stand, makes for that you can adjust your behaviour. If you want to become a hairdresser but you do not cut hair fast enough, it can be useful for you to get more practice first to develop your skills. A realistic view of where you stand, ensures that you what know what else you can learn.
If you look at growing self-esteem, it is worthwhile to honestly check if you judge yourself excessively negative. If that is the case, you must exercise a little more compassion for yourself.
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Exerc ise 1
Look at the four big areas of life again •
Physical and mental health
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Relations: love, family and friendships
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Work: study, volunteering, caring for children
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Financial situation
1. In what area do you experience the most uncertainty? 2. What happens when you feel insecure in this area? 3. What would it look like when you felt insecure in all four areas? 4. What is needed to get more confidence? 5. What concrete steps could you take? 6. How would that make you feel?
Session 3
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3.2
The familiar story
A lot of research has been done about beliefs regarding one’s self. Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kaman has written a lot about this. It seems that we believe a story more easily if we have heard it multiple times, even when the story is not true. And it seems the old story is more believable than a new story. We experience resistance at first when we hear a new story. We will more likely hold on to or return to the old story. If you have told yourself a story many times, it takes getting used to, to believe a new story about yourself. You need willingness to open yourself to change. Are you willing to learn it and to practice it? Like Pippi Longstocking said: ‘I have never done it before, so I believe I can do it!’.
Exercise 2.
If I keep thinking like I have always thought I will keep on believing like I always believed If I keep believing like I have always believed I will keep on doing like I always did
What you know is incomplete
If I keep on doing like I have always done things will happen to me like they always happened to me
Finish the following sentences: 1. What I believe is based on… 2. What I believe about myself is mostly…
But if I close my eyes and feel my real self inside I will get out of this circle and I can start again
3. I am willing to… 4. I believe that from now on I…
Session 3
If I keep seeing like I have always seen I will keep on thinking like I always thought
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3.2.1
Step by step
Exercise 3.
You can take a step every day. Start by imagining you are already full of confidence. See the result before you. What would you do if you already had that confidence? Ensure that your surroundings remember you of your goal. Hang a picture of someone who is a role model to you, or of you when you felt good. Hang the following sentence on the mirror: I am more than enough. The fact you exist Alone makes you a miracle. Every human has I am something beautiful in them, and n more tha their own talent. How do you enough know what your talent is? When you become happy from what you do and you use your talents, you know you’ve reached your destination.
Every day in every way I am getting better and better
3.2.2
The four archetypes
There are four common ways to deal with insecurity: •
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The air raid alarm. This person makes a lot of noise. He is funny, used humour as a weapon. Can come across as arrogant. There is a lot of noise on the outside to not be caught. Where is Wally? The invisible type. You are there, but you are not really there. This type makes sure nothing goes wrong. You don’t want to be rejected and you like to hide. Type Plain Jane. The crystal ball. This person always acts like he can see into the future and always assumes it will go wrong. This type always calls: ‘I’m sorry, you probably don’t like it’. This person tries to flee in advance. The copying machine: this type removes himself. Has so much admiration for others and loses himself by fully adapting.
1. In which type of behaviour do you recognise yourself the most? 2. In which situations is this expressed? 3. Do you recognize yourself in multiple types?
Affirmations help
An affirmation is a thought that you start to believe more and more by repeating it. It is a thought that will manifest in your life. It literally means: the confirmation and reinforcement. An affirmation is based on the principle that your brain believes what they see and hear often. Let your imagination do the work for you. On average, it takes 40-60 days to learn something new.
Worrying is fantasising the wrong way Session 3
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3.3.2
3.3 Becoming aware of your pattern Becoming aware your pattern often starts with understanding. It is matter of training and developing new behaviour. There are several basic beliefs that many people have. Most people have at least one: ‘I cannot make mistakes’, ‘I am not good enough’, or ‘the world is an unsafe place’. Jeffrey Young, an American psychologist calls them schemes. Are you interested in this and do you want to read more about this? Then you can read his book: ‘Live in your life’. Exercise 4.
Beliefs
What are three inconvenient beliefs about yourself that are in the way of your self-esteem or a realistic self-image? 1. 2. 3.
3.3.1
Doubting
Doubting is a form of trying to gain control. It keeps you in a certain state of being and makes you come to a standstill. Stopping is a survival strategy and it at least brings you the certainty of not being rejected. Get out of this mode and ask yourself the question: ‘who can help me with this? Who has done this before?’. That way you can make the first move already. Session 3
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Power sources
Act from your heart and do what you love Do something worthwhile Ensure an environment in which you can be yourself. Else you will be occupied obtaining approval Choose to invest in yourself Do things with others. We are social creatures by nature.
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3.3.3
Tips
Courage is the willingness to be scared and do the things despite that. Acceptance. We speak of acceptance when there is willingness to accept fearful thoughts and feeling, and with that also the situations that trigger such thoughts and feelings. You make space for all thoughts and feeling, without conditions. Can you accept where you are now? Be compassioned to yourself and your thoughts. Start with small steps. What is a step you can take right now? What is a first step on the road to your dream goal. ‘Be the energy you want to attract’. Be the one in your life where you would want to learn from.
Journey of a thousand miles starts with one step
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3.4 The stor y of the castaway A castaway is fighting for his life in a rough sea. He holds onto the first piece of wreckage he can find. He feels very fortunate: the piece of wreckage helps to him to keep his head above the water and catch his breath a little. When the sea calms down, he sees a large barrel floating by. He immediately lets go of the piece of wreckage, swims towards the barrel and is able to lift himself onto it. Only his legs are now in the water. He has already forgotten about the piece of wreckage and feels very fortunate, he can dry a little now and he feels less cold. After a while he sees an empty lifeboat from afar, it must have gotten loose from the ship before it sank. He finds the sea calm enough now to swim towards it and, without thinking too long about it, he lets go of the barrels and swims in the direction of the lifeboat. He has already forgotten about the barrel when he holds onto the lifeboat and climbs aboard, totally exhausted. He feels very fortunate: because the matching oars are also there, as well as a small package of provisions. He eats and drinks and his strengths start to return. He starts to row in the direction of where he expects land to be. He rows and rows and after a long time his efforts are rewarded: land in sight! When he pulls the boat, which has been his salvation, onto the land, he immediately leaves it to start walking towards a village he sees in the distance. He really longs for human contact and has already forgotten about the boat. We look at the piece of wreckage, the barrel and the boat as metaphors for different shapes an ego can take temporarily very useful, maybe even lifesaving but irrelevant as soon as another situation occurs. In that case it can be lifesaving to let it go. The toll has served its purpose and gets left for something else. The function stays the same, it stays a tool that helps us survive, but the content changes. In the end we do not survive by hanging onto a certain type of ‘self’ and identifying ourselves with it forever. We survive because of our ability to let go of our ego creations on time.
Session 3
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