Session 3
THE BULLY WITHIN; COMPASSIONATELY RECOGNIZING PATTERNS
STORY: TWO WOLVES
An old Indian teaches his grandson about life. “There’s a fight going on inside of me,” he tells the boy. “It’s a horrible fight between two wolves. One wolf is evil – it consists of anger, jealousy, sadness, regret, greed, conceit, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other wolf is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, calmness, humility, kindness, benevolence, compassion, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. The same battle is raging within you—and the same is true for every human being.” The grandson thinks about this for a moment and then asks his grandfather, “Which wolf will win the fight?” The old Indian smiles and simply replies, “The one who you feed.”
WHICH MODE, MENTALITY OR INNER PATTERN PREDOMINATES?
In the Attention Training course (MBSR/MBCT) attention has already been paid to two basic postures: the ‘doing mode’ and the ‘being mode’. In this session and in session 4, the ‘compassion mode’ is introduced, a special form of the being mode. First, we want to look more nuanced at the different modes, mentalities, or inner patterns. In Buddhist psychology it is said that we have many inner faces. There are many parts of ourselves that are more and less dominant, and that depends on the amount of ‘food’ they receive. Essentially, we are “selfless,” and what we call our “self” is that part of us that we identify with at any given time, and that is impermanent in time. This is consistent with the evolutionary perspective. As social bonding became more important for survival and the relationships in a community became more complicated, it also became more important to be able to imagine the other and to imagine the image that the other had of us. Different social ‘mentalities’ or patterns arose that were important to provide stability in a group and thus increase the chance of survival. Some are so common that we find them as ‘archetypes’ (primal patterns, blueprints for society) in all cultures: domination and power, submissiveness and obedience, rivalry and hierarchy, caring and receiving care, male and female gender roles. In addition to the archetypal patterns, there are many other mentalities, which can be more, or less, present per culture and per individual, according to whether they have received more or less fuel (training, exercise).
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We often behave according to such a mentality in certain situations, and this manifests itself in what focuses our attention, gives substance to our imagination, occupies our thinking and reasoning, directs our motivation and behavior, and colors our emotions. We don’t want to complicate things unnecessarily with difficult theories, but to provide a language that can be helpful in naming our complex experiences. Don’t let the theory distract you from your own experience. Mindfulness practice can help to recognize patterns in ourselves in all their peculiarities, and, in order not to get caught up in them, it can help to put them into words. All elements of such a pattern can also be the focus of therapy. Since you are your own therapist in this course, here is the help schedule:
Figure 8: Targets for (self-)therapy
Mentality formation requires new brain functions, but the more instinctual old brain functions play an important driving role. On the following page, three examples are given schematically that are closely related to the three emotion regulation systems:
- The ‘danger mode’ (Figure 9), which dominates in high-threat situations and focuses on self-protection.
- The ‘competition mode’ (Figure 10), which is characteristic in groups with a lot of rivalry and is aimed at increasing our self-esteem in relation to others.
- The ‘compassion mode’ (Figure 11), which is characterized by selfless, caring involvement based on empathy.
Representation
Motivation Behaviour
Emotions
Attention
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The inner circle contains characteristic qualities of the mentality in question, which are expressed in the various functions in the outer circle. We put these three together, because they are so general, with the question of which one is more, or less, strongly developed in you.
Figure 9: Danger Mode (Threat Mind)
Figure 10: Competitive Mind
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Representation
Attention
QUALITIES
Sensitivity Sympathy
Care for well-being Compassion
Emotions
Figure 11: Compassionate Mind
Nonjudgemental
Motivation
Reasoning
Tolerance of discomfort
Empathy
Behaviour
A mindset, pattern, or mode can become more persistent the more often it is activated in our learning history. What is healthy adaptation in one context and increases our chance of survival, can be unhealthy and maladjusted in another context and reduce our chance of survival. Not only in dealing with others, but also in dealing with ourselves, a certain mode can dominate. When we have predominantly experienced our relationships with parents and loved ones as caring and appreciative or as neglectful, abusive or hostile, this has a major impact on how we experience ourselves. The competition mode is pre-eminently focused on social relations. The danger and compassion mode can be equally focused on ourselves. Our learning history determines which one prevails and that makes a lot of difference to our sense of well-being. If the danger mode is deeply ingrained, we are much less pleasant company for ourselves (and others!) than if the compassion mode dominates. And a predominant competition mode doesn’t really make us happy either. For a long time, Western psychologists have emphasized that positive self-esteem was very important for our well-being. Many children’s learning programs focused on promoting their self-esteem. Newer insights recognize that this pursuit of positive self-esteem unnecessarily fosters social competition and leads to constant comparison with others. And that causes stress instead of happiness. It seems that our hunting system (wanting to be better than others) and also our danger system (being afraid of not being recognized and becoming socially isolated) are working overtime, and we are not allowing ourselves time to develop our care system. Recent research (Neff & Vonk, 2009) showed that self-compassion is more important for our well-being than self-esteem. When we highly value self-esteem, it promotes narcissism and we quickly feel threatened in our ego. It makes us constantly worried about whether we are good enough.
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Self-compassion, on the other hand, fosters a more enduring sense of self-worth, which does not depend on the appreciation from others, but is fueled by an awareness that we are allowed to be as we are, including our vulnerabilities. Self-compassion goes hand in hand with the recognition that none of us are perfect and that in our imperfection we all need compassion and the right to exist. Remarkably, self-compassion makes it easier for us to achieve better performance, precisely because we accept that we are allowed to make mistakes.
THE BULLY INSIDE
When the danger system in our lives has been triggered many times, because we fell short in the judgment of others (and later ourselves), and there was a threat of aggression, rejection or abandonment in the air, a selfcritical mentality can develop, a special form of the danger mode. This inner bully (critic, cynic, schemer, controller, doubtful, busybody, or whatever term you find more appropriate) can control and ruin our lives in all sorts of ways. In mindfulness and compassion practice, the inner bully is soon ready to comment: ‘surely you have better things to do... If you have to, at least try harder... Now you’ve wandered off again... striving... judging... the other participants are doing much better... you just can’t do it...’, etc. It is already difficult to look at ourselves from the position of the non-judgmental observer in formal practice, but in everyday life it is even more difficult. The inner bully often rears its head automatically and controls us without us realizing it. If we are already aware of this critic, how can we deal with it? We can bully back, but then we’re just fueling the bullying by doing more of the same. We can also ‘look’ at the inner bully... with compassion. Can we see the suffering and the needs that lie behind it? If we can recognize the inner bully as an expression of our deep desire to survive psychologically, then perhaps we understand the “good intentions” behind it.
For example, functions of the inner bully may include:
- Rejecting unacceptable parts of ourselves.
- Seek approval from others.
- Staying loyal to our parents.
- Being obedient to the view that punishing or hurting ourselves is helpful.
- Preventing ourselves from making (even more) mistakes.
- Keeping ourselves sharp and encouraging us to perform better.
- Protecting someone else by directing our anger at ourselves.
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- Staying in control of ourselves.
- Maintaining a familiar habit and a self-image, because that gives us something to hold on to and security, and relieves us of the responsibility to change.
The self-critical mentality is mainly fueled by shame and guilt, emotions that arose later in evolution in more highly developed mammals with self-awareness. We are born with the need to receive care from others. To increase our chances of doing so, we have developed the ability to constantly evaluate the image that others (might) have of us. Because social bonding has become very crucial for our survival, we have developed a very strong self-awareness and it has become very important that others have a positive image of us. If that is not the case, we feel unsafe and the danger system is triggered. Shame and guilt are the messengers that indicate to us that the image that others have of us might be distorted. A better understanding of these emotions can help us in the practice of self-compassion.
SHAME
Shame, however unpleasant, can also be a useful messenger. Imagine a “shameless” person. He or she is usually not very loved. Shame protects us from excesses and antisocial behavior, and being ostracized from the group that is important for our safety and survival. But when others act on our sense of shame, when there is not much wrong with us at all, then shame can also become a destructive emotion. Especially when that happens when we are young, vulnerable, and in a dependent position. Shameful memories can have the same impact as traumatic memories, with the same stress reactions and physical symptoms. If we have experienced many events in which others criticized us and we felt ashamed, we can become extra sensitive to negative treatment. Shame and everything that evokes shame then becomes threatening, and triggers our danger system. When we set high expectations for ourselves, it often stems from shameful experiences and the fear of falling short and not being accepted. Setting high standards also leads to increased sensitivity to shame, and so a vicious circle is created. The greater the distance between our present self and our ideal self (the one we think we should be), the easier we will be ashamed. The sensitivity to negative treatment can manifest itself in a tendency to externalize and a tendency to internalize. When externalizing, we quickly feel humiliated and hurt by the other person. The shame is directed outwards (the other is bad), we seek justification and reparation, or even retribution and revenge. Our danger system reacts mainly to external signals, which can indicate that others think negatively about us. Externalization happens especially when our competition mode is also highly developed. We can’t bear to be dominated and belittled, and attack the other. When internalizing, the shame turns inward
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(I’m bad) and we adopt the negative image that the other person has of us. We even take it a step further and start criticizing and belittling ourselves. We attack ourselves. Our danger system reacts not only to external but also to internal signals. Any idea, feeling, behavior, or physical characteristic of ourselves that we only suspect might lead to a negative image in others can be a threat and a target for self-criticism. Internalization happens especially when we are not very competitive. When we externalize excessively we become a bully to others, when we internalize excessively we develop an inner bully.
DEBT
Shame is all about the image the other person has of me. Guilt is also about the image I have of the other person. Guilt arose later in evolution than shame, when not only receiving care but also giving care became increasingly important. Guilt is linked to empathy (what did I do to the other person?) and a sense of responsibility (how can I make amends?). Inward-looking shame focuses on the whole person (I’m bad), guilt focuses on a smaller part (my harmful behavior towards the other person). Guilt can help restore social relationships and is a useful emotion, when embedded in a caring mindset. But guilt can also become destructive when this emotion triggers the danger system. That happens when we have learned that we should be afraid of our mistakes. And many of us, unfortunately, have learned that in our upbringing or school career. Harmful behavior towards the other person then becomes shameful behavior. “I make a mistake that I can fix” is magnified to “I am bad”. When we make a mistake, we no longer see it as a challenge to learn from, but as proof that we are no good and a reason to unleash the inner bully on us. Small mistakes are blown up into big ones, and if we can’t do it well enough in our attempts at recovery, error piles upon error. We become more and more self-critical, and our feelings of guilt grow as the inner bully grows. When shame and guilt are no longer the helpful messengers they were originally intended to be, they can become destructive emotions. When the alarm bells keep ringing to remind us that we are no good, our lives can become hell. Selfcriticism can deepen into self-hatred. We can’t just erase a self-critical mentality. We can, however, look at it with compassion, both at the suffering from which the inner bully originated, and at the suffering it causes. Just as a selfcritical mindset is inadvertently created through practice, we can also develop a caring, compassionate mindset trough conscious practice. What part of ourselves do we want to nurture: an inner bully or an inner helper? By practicing in compassion mode, we develop a powerful inner helper. In the next session there will be a special compassion mode exercise, but in fact all the exercises in this course are aimed at training us in compassion mode. Also the exercises that help us to become aware of inner patterns, of resistance and desire.
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These open the door to heal old wounds, compassionately embracing both the pain that underlies old patterns and the pain that still arises from them. Whenever it occurs here and now, we can hold our pain in our consciousness, like a mother embracing her fragile baby.
EXERCISE: RECOGNIZING INNER PATTERNS
In Young’s schema therapy, the patterns that have arisen at a young age and persist stubbornly into adulthood are called ‘schemes’. There are 19 schemes that can stand in the way of a healthy adaptation. The following is a list of these old maladaptive schemes. It may be useful to go through them and ask if you recognize some of them in yourself. In order to be able to break free of it, it is important to recognize such a scheme in the first place and to be able to give it a name. That can be a first step to distance yourself from it. Recognizing a scheme is mindfulness and being able to be kind to ourselves while a scheme rears its head, is self-compassion. “Ah, there’s my... scheme again.’ You can use the names below or give a name that is most appropriate for you. Perhaps some of these schemes are easier for you to recognize than the inner bully, or they are part of it. Self-compassion can deepen when you also see the pain that created the scheme, and the unintended pain that the scheme leads to, when you get caught up in it. Remember that schemes are not ‘truths’ but mental constructs that arose as survival strategies in difficult circumstances, perhaps evident at the time, but the question is whether that is still the case.
OLD
MALADJUSTED
SCHEMES
(borrowed from Jeffrey Young)
In which scheme do you recognize yourself?
Read the description of the diagram and the corresponding statement (in italics). Give each scheme a score between 1 and 5, where 1 = ‘I don’t recognize at all’ and 5 = ‘I recognize completely’.
1. Abandonment/instability: The person expects that everyone will eventually abandon them. Others are unreliable and unpredictable in their support and commitment. Fear, sadness and anger alternate when the person concerned feels abandoned.
The you-will-abandon-me-anyway: My close relationships will end because people are unreliable and unpredictable. 1 2 3 4 5
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2. Distrust/abuse: The person has a belief that others will eventually take advantage of them in some way or cheat or humiliate them. The feelings are very variable and the person concerned is constantly vigilant.
The suspicious: I expect others to harm me and seek their own benefit.
1 2 3 4 5
3. Emotional neglect: The person expects that their own basic emotional needs (such as support, nurturing, empathy, and protection) will not be met or will not be adequately met by others. The person feels alone and lonely.
The neglected: I just can’t seem to get what I need from others (warmth, attention, understanding, protection, support).
1 2 3 4 5
4. Inferiority/shame: The person considers himself to be inwardly imperfect and bad. As soon as others get to know him better, they will discover it and reject him. The feeling of worthlessness often leads to shame.
The ‘good-for-nothing’: I’m lacking, I’m no good, I don’t deserve others to love me.
1 2 3 4 5
5. Social isolation/alienation: The person feels isolated from the rest of the world and different from other people.
The ‘alone-in-the-world’: I am alone in this world, different from others, don’t belong.
1 2 3 4 5
6. Social undesirability: The person is convinced that they are socially awkward and unattractive. He thinks of himself as boring, dull and ugly.
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The Ugly Duckling: I’m boring and not at all interesting to others, they don’t like me in their company.
2 3 4 5
7. Dependency/Incompetence: The person is extremely helpless and functionally dependent on others. He is unable to make decisions about day-to-day problems and is often tense and anxious.
The Helpless:
Without help, I can’t hold my own in life and can’t make decisions.
8. Vulnerability to illness and danger: The person assumes that something terrible could happen to him and loved ones at any moment and that there is nothing they can do to protect themselves.
The doomsayer:
At any moment, a disaster could strike me that I am not able to cope with. 1 2 3 4 5
9. Entanglement/tangle/underdeveloped self: The person is overly involved and connected to one or more guardians, preventing them from developing their own identity.
The mother’s (or father’s) child: I feel empty, confused, lost without the guidance of parental figures.
10. Failure: The person is convinced that he is not capable of performing at the level of peers. He feels stupid and devoid of talent.
The zero:
I am a failure, stupid, clumsy, compared to others I will never be successful. 1 2 3 4 5
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11. Usurpation of rights. Demandingness/grandiosity: The person feels that they are superior to others and have special rights. He can do whatever he wants, without regard for others. The central theme is power and having control over situations and people.
The center of the world:
I’m entitled to everything I can get, others just have to adapt to me.
2 3 4 5
12. Lack of self-control/self-discipline: The person has no frustration tolerance and cannot control feelings and impulses. He does not tolerate displeasure or discomfort (pain, quarrels and efforts).
The impatient/short fuse:
I’m easily frustrated, react impulsively or quit quickly. 1 2 3 4 5
13. Submission: The person surrenders himself to the will of others to avoid negative consequences. He suppresses his own needs for fear of conflict and punishment.
The customizer:
I conform to what others want from me for fear of their anger or rejection. 1 2 3 4 5
14. Self-sacrifice: The person voluntarily sacrifices himself for others, whom he sees as weaker than himself. When he pays attention to his own needs, he feels guilty and puts other people’s needs first. Eventually, he gets annoyed with the people he cares for.
The ‘helpaholic’:
I prefer to efface myself in order to be of full service to others. 1 2 3 4 5
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15. Seeking Approval/Acknowledgment: The person is overly seeking recognition, appreciation, and attention, at the expense of their own development and needs.
The Attention Freak: For me, it’s all about getting recognition and appreciation from others.
2 3 4 5
16. Negativity/pessimism: The person always sees the negative side of everything and ignores or minimizes the positive side. He is usually worrying and hyper-alert.
The Black Viewer:
I assume that what can go wrong, will go wrong and that my decisions will turn out wrong.
17. Emotional inhibition: The person always holds back emotions and impulses, thinking that expressing them will harm others or lead to shame, retaliation or abandonment. He never reacts spontaneously and places a strong emphasis on rationality.
The introvert/’bottling up’:
I prefer not to show feelings (positive or negative) to others and prefer a rational approach.
18. Strict standards/overly critical: The person believes that they can never do well enough and that they need to try harder. He is critical of himself and others, a perfectionist, rigid and overly efficient. This is at the expense of fun, relaxation and social contacts.
The Control Freak/Perfectionist:
I am a perfectionist, need to spend my time efficiently and strictly follow the rules.
2 3 4 5
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19. Punitiveness: The person believes that people should be punished harshly for their mistakes. He is aggressive, impatient, and unforgiving.
The Prosecutor: I have little patience with others (and with myself) and insist that people should pay for their mistakes.
1 2 3 4 5
PRACTICE SUGGESTIONS
PRACTICE SUGGESTIONS FOR THE WEEK AFTER SESSION 3
FORMAL EXERCISE:
1. Listen once a day to the Gentleness to Others exercise and to the Benefactor exercise.
2. Follow and practice the advice for the guided mildness meditation If practicing with guidance is no longer helpful for you after a few days, you can do the exercise daily without guidance. You don’t have to expect anything from the exercise, just let your experience be your experience, without having to judge it. In session 4 we will evaluate the exercise. Mention each time you do the exercise (with or without supervision) on the homework form. Also, write down any specifics so you can talk about them at the next session.
Note: Choose a time when you are open to practicing.
3. Connect with the safe place and/or your compassionate companion once a day.
4. Complete the exercise: Recognizing inner patterns.
5. Do the Compassionately Dealing with Desire Exercise a few times
6. Follow a mindfulness exercise of your choice as needed, supported by compassion towards yourself (body scan, lying or standing yoga or sitting in attention)
PRACTICE SUGGESTIONS
INFORMAL PRACTICE:
1. Practice the breathing space compassion daily, at a time of your choosing.
2. Practice breathing space compassion – coping whenever you sense unpleasant feelings. Write down details on the homework form.
You can also continue to apply the self-compassion mantra as often as you want.
3. Be aware of the hunting system as one of the emotion regulation systems on a daily basis, while this system is occurring.
To do this, fill in the ‘Hunting System’ diary once a day
Use this as an opportunity to become aware of bodily sensations, thoughts, and feelings associated with that one event. Write down the exact nature and location of these sensations as soon as possible and preferably in detail (use the words and/or images that came up as much as possible).
Note: This exercise loses value as the distance between the event and the completion of the diagram increases.
PRACTICE SUGGESTIONS
PRACTICE SHEET – AFTER SESSION 3
Write down each time you practice on the practice sheet and make notes of anything that comes up during practice at home, so we can talk about it next time.
Day/date
_____day
Date:
_____day
Practiced:
Formal:. . minutes. Informal:. . minutes.
Formal:__min
Informal:_min.
Date: Formal:__min
_____day
Date:
Informal:__min
Formal:__min
Informal:__min
_____day Date: Formal:__min
Informal:__min
_____day Date: Formal:__min
Informal:__min
_____day Date: Formal:__min
Informal:__min
_____day Date: Formal:__min
Informal:__min
_____day
Date: Formal:__min
Informal:__min
Comments:
- What exercises did you do?
- What were the special features of the practice?
Additional details Week 3
PRACTICE SUGGESTIONS
HUNTING SYSTEM DIARY
Diary
What was the event?
I was at work and found myself doing my very best to do this to the best of my ability
Were you aware of the hunting system while the was activated?
Yes
How did your body feel precisely during this experience?
With what moods and thoughts was this event accompanied?
Hunched shoulders. Slightly cramped. I felt good but also tired and noticed that I was forcing. I thought, ‘I’ve got to get it done tonight!’’
What’s going on now, when you are writing? And what could be a compassionate response?
The realization that I can be quite driven. Actually, I’m trying to prove myself and I’m looking for recognition from my colleagues. I should listen to my body a bit more and give myself a rest. Good enough is okay, too
Day 1
PRACTICE SUGGESTIONS
4
5