Session 4
THE
CIRCLE OF COMPASSION; COMPASSION MODE
QUALITIES AND SKILLS IN COMPASSION TRAINING
Below (Figure 12) you can see again the diagram of the compassion mode. This diagram by Paul Gilbert provides a guide for compassion training in all its facets, and is also known as the circle of compassion.
The inner circle represents the qualities that characterize compassion and that reinfor
ce and support each other. The outer circle identifies the views of our functioning that are needed to train skills in compassion. The circles ‘float’ in an atmosphere of warmth, calm, friendliness and playfulness; the keynote that characterizes the caring system. It is difficult to practice compassion when the danger or hunting system dominates. The qualities can blossom gradually, as our skills are trained more and more.
Figure 12: The Circle of Compassion
Session 4
QUALITIES
Let’s take a look at the qualities of the inner circle:
• Ensure well-being:
the commitment to caring for others and ourselves with the intention to alleviate pain and suffering and promote growth, well-being, and happiness.
• Sensitivity:
the ability to be sensitive to pain and suffering, even to subtle degrees of pain, and to accurately ‘read’ the needs and wants, in others and in ourselves.
• Sympathy:
the ability to be emotionally touched and to feel involved in both the painful and joyful emotions of others and ourselves.
• Tolerance of discomfort:
‘Being sensitive’ and ‘being touched’ without stress resistance would mean that we are easily overwhelmed. The ability to mindfully and gently allow the discomfort in our consciousness and to look at our reactions, without going along with it, promotes our tolerance to it.
• Empathy:
the ability to empathize and tune in to others (ourselves) and understand the motivations behind their (our) thinking, feeling and acting. While sympathy is primarily an emotional quality, empathy is both emotional and cognitive. We can also use empathy to manipulate the other person to our own advantage. Wholesome empathy goes hand in hand with sympathy and concern for well-being.
The counterpart of empathy is projection: we do not see the other as he is, but an image of the other that we have constructed ourselves and project onto him.
• Non-judgment:
the ability to approach others and ourselves with an open mind and respect for the complexity of existence. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have a preference – our preference can be determined, for example, by the concern for well-being. However, we can come to a wiser decision if we first look at a situation from a non-judgmental attitude, also at our likes and dislikes, so that we do not let ourselves be carried away by it unnoticed.
Session 4
SKILLS
With regard to skills development, we focus on the aspects of our functioning in the outer circle:
• Giving attention with compassion: This is not only about the mild, non-judgmental attitude with which we give attention (the how), but also about the field of attention we choose (the what) and the intention with which we do it (the why). Out of kindness, we can choose a certain field of attention for ourselves: a certain sensory experience (touch, smell, color, sound), feeling a smile around the mouth, a sensation of relaxation in the body, or following a soothing activity with attention. Compassion is also expressed in the kindness with ourselves when we find ourselves straying from a chosen field of attention and the patience with which we redirect our attention. The choices in being attentive are made from kindness (care system), not from desire (hunting system), fear or coercion (danger system).
• Making Ourselves Representations with Compassion: consciously using the imagination to conjure up images that have a beneficial influence, such as ‘the safe place’ and ‘the compassionate companion’.
• Thinking and reasoning with compassion: Of course, we can’t directly control our thinking, but we can ‘look’ at our thinking and notice the influence of our thoughts on our well-being. We can distinguish between thoughts that are helpful and those that are not. We can choose to what extent we connect with certain thoughts, from which perspective we look at a situation, and justify our choice from compassion. One line of reasoning can be much more beneficial than the other.
Session 4
Self-correction from compassion mode
- Desire for improvement
- Growth and development
- Future (‘what’s possible?’)
- Friendly, supportive, encouraging attitude
- Builds on what is already good (‘glass is half full’)
- Focuses on qualities and specific parts of self (‘this behaviour has that consequence’)
- Hope for success
- Caring for others
When things go wrong...
• Guilt and involvement with others
• Remorse, concern for consequences for the other person
• Understanding of self and other; Taking responsibility for correction and restoration of the relationship
Metaphor: Kind, patient teacher who helps and supports a child with learning disabilities
Self-criticism from the inner bully
- Need to condemn and punish
- Errors and defects
- Past (‘what went wrong?’)
- Strict, impatient, petty attitude
- Attacks what’s wrong (‘glass is half empty’)
- Self as a whole is targeted (‘you are no good as a person’
Wanneer het mis gaat...
When things go wrong...
• Shame and fear of rejection
• Sinking through the ground, ruminating about consequences for self
• Aggressive towards self (and/or other), avoidant (or irritable) towards others; Self-punishment and defense of contact
Metaphor: critical, impatient teacher who shames and punishes a child with learning difficulties
Session 4
We often reason on autopilot. We have already observed how our new brain can be controlled by our old brain, even when we are giving full speeches. Are we reasoning from our danger system, our hunting system or from our caring system? You can also take a look at the scheme exercise. (session 2) Are there perhaps old, maladaptive schemes from which you often reason automatically?
• Feeling compassion:
Just like our thoughts, we can’t directly control our feelings. In addition to mindfully paying attention to the entire spectrum of emotions, pleasant and unpleasant, from moment to moment, we can also consciously practice generating a warm emotional tone and creating the right conditions for feeling positive emotions. If we consciously choose tend and befriend, we are more likely to feel the matching emotions than when we are in the grip of fight, flight and freeze (danger system) or the pursuit of short-term pleasure (hunting system).
• Motivating Ourselves with Compassion:
This is about compassionately acknowledging what moves us. Motivation from compassion means that we consciously allow ourselves to be moved in the direction of as much beneficial effect as possible and as little harm as possible for as many people involved as possible, including ourselves. This motivation is more focused on sustainable relief from suffering and promotion of well-being (even though it may cause short-term discomfort) than on quick results (with greater potential for long-term harm). Session 7 takes a closer look at what moves us.
• Behavior (speaking and acting) with compassion:
What we say and what we do (or don’t say and don’t do) has consequences that can be beneficial or harmful. Religions often emphasize what we shouldn’t do, the core of which is: don’t harm (don’t lie/ steal/ kill/ sexually misbehave/ numb ourselves). However, compassionate behavior is not the same as behaving in a well-behaved and submissive way, in order to be accepted or rewarded. It is behavior that brings relief from suffering and promotes well-being and growth. Above all, it is about the courage to live with value, to put what we say and what we do at the service of the values that touch our hearts. The non-harm is then motivated from within.
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WHAT COMPASSION AND KINDNESS ARE NOT
To clarify the (soft) power of these egoless emotions or inner companions, it can be of value to explain a little about possible pitfalls in the practice of compassion and lovingkindness. For example, the practice of this is not:
- Selfish
The fact that there is a lot of emphasis on being kind and compassionate to ourselves in the beginning of the training does not mean that we immediately become selfish. For many, it is probably more a matter of compensating for a strong tendency to a learned attitude to life in the form of ‘You are okay, I am not okay’. In addition, the following perspective is more assumed: ‘Soften the world, start with yourself’ and ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’.
- A road to laziness
Kindness and compassion can gradually soften instinctive and suffocating tendencies (to fear and self-)hatred. It makes life easier, but it doesn’t have to turn into laziness. There will be new choices and these may open up other avenues for us to take.
- Positive affirmation
Affirmations or acknowledgements quickly have something in them that is actually not so in line with the reality of the moment. For example, saying “I have faith” when you don’t feel it at all. The wishful thinking in the compassion training are more like aspirations: ‘Gosh, if this were there, that would be nice. I would allow myself that’. And whether it is realized or not is less relevant. There is already something expansive in the wholesome aspiration.
- Only meaningless words
We let the wishes we use be supported with a wholesome intention, with attention or open attention, with connection (with the value of the wish and the subject of the kind wish) and with emotion linked to the practice in the moment. For example, we may experience joy, peace, affection, sadness, disappointment, or a neutral feeling in the practice and acknowledge this when it clearly occurs.
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- Creating a sugar coating
We don’t try to soften the realities of life with sweet words and thoughts. In fact, we are much more open to the depth of human experience and tragedy. And this is much more possible if we develop a compassionate attitude to this pain.
- A ‘complain and pity party’
We adopt a posture where we don’t have to repress but also don’t have to drown in pain, discomfort and difficult emotions. This attitude allows us to tolerate much more objectively and live with whatever arises.
- A ‘feel good’ exercise
We are more concerned with cultivating goodwill than with merely cultivating good (pleasant) feelings. Sometimes pleasant feelings present themselves, sometimes rather unpleasant feelings, and sometimes what we experience can also feel very neutral. We become more familiar with this mutability and learn to look at it with compassion and be at ease with it.
- Tiresome
The practice usually becomes exhausting when we try very hard: to change what is, to control what is, to get rid of what occurs, to realize something that is not there.... If we practice more acknowledging and with gentleness for what is, the practice turns out not to be tiring at all, but to be an oasis of peace.
- Compelling
When we get stuck on the content of the kind wishes and want to realize them as quickly as possible, the practice becomes compelling and usually frustrating. After all, happiness, peace and wisdom cannot be forced. When we are less focused on the effect of the practice and focus more on simply being gentle and kind about the practice, then paradoxically beneficial effects appear to arise much more easily and quickly
Session 4
‘BACKDRAFT’; HOW SELF-COMPASSION CAN EVOKE OLD PAIN
There is a mechanism that makes it n to practice compassion and kindness towards ourselves. Christopher Germer refers to this with the term ‘backdraft’. Unfortunately, there is not yet a good Dutch term for this, but firefighters are well acquainted with this phenomenon. If a fire is raging in, for example, a large apartment building with many compartments, several rooms will be ablaze. But there may also be rooms where there is little oxygen. Here, the fire only smolders. If a window suddenly snaps due to the heat or if someone opens a door unexpectedly, a lot of oxygen suddenly gets to the smoldering fire. The result is a sudden flare-up of the previously smoldering fire, which now gets all the space and oxygen it needs. This phenomenon can also be recognized in the practice of mildness meditation. If we were not used to looking at ourselves with kind eyes and wishing something nice to ourselves, then the mildness turns out to bring oxygen, as it were, to places in ourselves that were previously closed off. This can sometimes cause intense moments, where suddenly a lot of sadness and old, unprocessed pain can be released. It’s good to know that there’s nothing wrong with you if that happens. On the contrary, it creates a healthy, deeper connection and intimacy with inner spaces that were previously inaccessible. Here, too, familiarity with the practice of mindfulness is very helpful; it makes it easier for you to handle this by acknowledging it.
This does not happen to everyone, it depends on the person, the life history and the familiarity with awareness processes. But it’s good to know that this can happen. It is more difficult to admit compassion when we have not become familiar with it in our learning history. Especially when we want to train compassion because it has remained underdeveloped, the threshold to start it can be high. Often the reason is that our danger system always sounds the alarm at any incipient experience of compassion. The reasons for this can be that we have had an unsafe childhood and that there was no good attachment to our parents or caregivers, that we have not known and internalized good compassionate examples, that we have memories of traumatic experiences without being compassionately taken care of, and that situations, which initially seemed safe, turned out to be unreliable. We may have become allergic to the words “compassion” and “loving-kindness” by themselves, and experience great resistance to admitting the feelings that go with them. We have identified with an unloved self and learned to survive without compassion and without a care system, and react from our danger system with aversion, fear or aggression when care is offered. Fight, flight & freeze are the responses we trust more than tend & befriend.
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When we experience emotional pain, (a variant of) the inner bully quickly rears its ugly head, while we really need an inner helper. But the caring system only acts as a trigger for even more threat because it is associated with even more emotional pain.
Figure 13 schematically shows the mechanisms that play a role when we experience emotional pain as a threat from within, the care system is underdeveloped and the inner bully dominates.
INNER BULLY (DANGER-MODE)
Compassion = Danger
EMOTIONAL PAIN
Aversion to current experience
Reproach to the past
Distrust for the future
Insecure attachment and inner representation of threatening/unreliable
Emotional memory of traumatic experiences, shame and the lack of calm
No self-acceptation: experience of un-loved self
Figure 13: Threat in emotional pain and more threat because of underdeveloped care system
Session 4
Figure 14 shows which experiences feed the care system and how, under the influence of the compassion mode, the inner helper, emotional pain is experienced much less as a threat and is more likely to fade out due to activation of the care system. When we have experienced safe attachment in our childhood, internalized compassionate examples, have memories of being accepted and comforted when we were struggling, and identify with a beloved self, our care system is more highly developed and we can allow compassion with confidence. Fortunately, our brain is flexible enough to gradually develop a more powerful caring system, even with an unfavorable learning history. Understanding these mechanisms can support and motivate us to practice patience and respect for our inner pain and the resistance we feel when we are asked to allow compassion in. Our compassion practice starts with that resistance. A good understanding of how the danger system and the inner bully can be activated more easily than the care system and the inner helper from our learning history, can open our eyes and our hearts to the experience of the moment, even if it consists of pain and resistance. We also take a more lenient look at the past and the future. Every time we do that, our healthcare system becomes a little more powerful.
EMOTIONAL PAIN
INNER HELPER (COMPASSION MODE)
Compassion = safe
Mild acknowledgement of the currect experience
Forgiving towards past Encouraging towards future
Caresystem THREAT CALMS
Safe attachment and inner representation of caring/comforting others
Emotional memories of calm, acceptance and security
Self-acceptance: experience of a loved self
Figure 14: Threat in emotional pain and a decrease in theat by a well-developed care system
Session 4
EXERCISE: COMPASSION MODE
As it becomes easier for the inner bully to take action, because your learning history has fostered it, it will be more difficult to invoke a caring mindset towards yourself, because it is not developed due to lack of training. An exercise to reinforce this development may be to imagine yourself embodying this mindset of self-compassion. You could say: instead of the inner bully, you feed an inner helper.
How would you notice that you are in compassion mode?
Take a look at the following list:
• Validation: daring to admit that compassion is valuable and not a sign of weakness.
• Empathy: understanding yourself; have insight into the workings of your mind (and that of others).
• Sympathy: empathy for your pain and your desire to alleviate your suffering.
• Non-judgement and forgiveness: no criticism and punishment, but understanding for mistakes made, giving yourself the opportunity to learn from them.
• Tolerance and acceptance of what is just the way it is, which includes being willing to put up with discomfort.
• Be open to warm feelings for yourself.
• Sensitivity to what you need in terms of care and support to grow towards your values
• Willingness to take responsibility for your choices, even when they turn out to have adverse consequences.
• Patience and perseverance to train yourself in compassion step by step.
Session 4
An exercise to imagine yourself in compassion mode might go like this: “Sit in a quiet place, take the time to create a calm breathing rhythm and let excess tension flow away... Imagine: you are a person who embodies compassion... Be aware of all the qualities you would then show... Imagine... that you are calm and wise through experience... that you are sensitive to everyone’s needs and needs... ... that you are powerful and courageous to acknowledge and bear pain and suffering... ... that you show warm and friendly feelings... that you are non-judgmental and forgiving... ... that you deeply desire to alleviate suffering, and to make happy and worthwhile life possible... ... Let your eyes, your mouth, your face express compassion... ... Let your body language express compassion... ... Let the feelings of compassion flow through your heart and your whole body... ... Allow your compassion to expand beyond the limits of your body... Focus on your desire to express compassion and all its qualities... in your thoughts, feelings, words, behaviors... to whoever needs it... Don’t exclude anyone... not even yourself... not even yourself... especially not yourself... Now look at yourself as you sit here... with all the pain you carry with you ... with all the memories... to minor pain... of great pain... your deepest pain... The most difficult situation... from a short while ago, from a longer time ago... with all your fear of the future... All your fears, your hopes, your deepest desires,... with all your possibilities... Known and unknown... with all your wishes, your dreams for yourself and the world around you... And as you embody compassion, focus your compassion on the part of yourself that is showing itself to you right now... And now... And now... Let the compassion flow from your heart to the suffering part of yourself... and continue to do so as long as it is beneficial and caring to you...’
As with any exercise, respect your boundaries, don’t force anything, be gentle. That in itself is an expression of compassion mode. You can do the exercise in parts, you can spread the parts over several sessions, you can return to them over and over again, in your formal and informal exercises, at times in your daily life. And remember this: you don’t have to achieve results! Compassion can be given unconditionally. When the exercise is accompanied by a frantic pursuit of effect, you fall into the trap of the hunting system and are in the do-mode. Realize that the compassion mode is a special form of the being mode. You hold the suffering in the clear light of your attention, you are mindful of it. Not with a cold, sterile, detached gaze, but with the mild, warm glow of compassion. This is not only about seeing with the eye, but also about seeing with the heart, about being present with caring involvement. From there you can make a wiser choice to ‘do’ or ‘don’t do’.
Session 4
PRACTICE PRETENDING
How do we deal with it when compassion mode is far from familiar to us? How do we use our new brain in such a way that we can exercise the care system of our old brain? Only through practice can an untrained caring system become more powerful and function more ‘naturally’ in the long run. We do this with the help of mindfulness exercises in which we use our imagination to work for us. We had already been introduced to exercises such as ‘the safe place’ and ‘the compassionate companion’ and now also to ‘the compassion mode’ in this session. These are all exercises in which we use our imagination to activate the healthcare system and to mindfully notice what is happening in the process. Our motivation to do these exercises can easily be undermined by the idea that mental representations are not ‘real’. You may think that your imagination is really powerless to change anything in your case. Realize that by believing in this thought, you are already giving the imagination a lot of power, but not to work for you, but against you. You imagine that your imagination can’t change anything. And that’s a belief that isn’t acknowledged by research. Our mind does influence our brain and the functioning of our brain in turn affects our mind. With the help of imagination exercises, we train certain neural networks and as they become more powerful, they make it more likely that certain patterns will occur spontaneously. In the beginning we have to put in a lot of effort, later it gets easier. If you don’t feel safe or compassionate at all, you may get the feeling that we are asking you to fool yourself and believe in a miracle. As far as I’m concerned, you don’t have to believe that miracles exist, but only pretend that a small, modest miracle exists. Namely, the ‘miracle’ of an inner state that has a beneficial effect. You have little to lose in that. All you have to do is imagine a desired reality, without worrying about whether that image will ever become reality. Don’t let the hunting system snare you by hunting for results. You can’t fail here, after all, you’re just pretending. Also, don’t let yourself be entangled in the danger system by perceiving the performance as dangerous. What is not familiar is not necessarily dangerous, as long as you don’t forget that it is a performance. Don’t let yourself be carried away by what you desire or what you fear, but gently and mindfully examine what the pictorial exercises do to you. When you pretend that a wholesome inner state is present, there is a good chance that something will change in the desired direction, even if that state is not (yet) real. If you pretend that this wholesome inner state is impossible, then you are also pretending, but in a direction that works against you. You’ll probably continue to feel dissatisfied.
Session 4
You are always better off pretending that the wholesome inner state does exist, as long as you don’t attach yourself to the result. If a miracle does happen, you will only become more receptive to it. If it doesn’t come, then at least you’ve had more practice in being open to feelings, thoughts and behaviors that belong to the desired state. And that makes it more likely that these will occur more often. Pretending has beneficial effects, not only psychologically but also physically, and they are real, in the sense that they can be experienced as well as measured. It doesn’t matter if miracles exist in the future, pretending has an effect now. Even though you may not feel much of it yet, something is already happening on a physiological level. Your new brain is already forming other circuits that favorably affect the emotional systems of your old brain. In a situation that calls for an inner miracle, pretending that miracle exists already has a beneficial effect. We don’t want to suggest that you can cure cancer or other serious physical conditions this way. However, we do ask you to investigate whether these exercises have a soothing effect on emotional pain and suffering for which there is simply no cure. You may want to open yourself up to the following pretend experiment as an exercise in attention: What do you notice when you pretend to be angry for a while, say 10 minutes? Make an angry face and adopt an angry attitude. Embody the anger as best you can. How does that feel in your facial muscles, what do you notice in your body, your state of mind? And then pretend to be happy for 10 minutes. Bring a smile to your face and adopt a posture that matches happiness. Embody the joy as best you can. What do you notice in your face, your body, your state of mind? Then reflect on this exercise and write down what stands out to you.
EXERCISES
1. Kindness to others – a close friend or family member
Then you can integrate a good acquaintance who you can and want to effortlessly wish something kind or something mild. Someone who means a lot to you and who makes a smile appear on your face very easily. Someone you trust, who is dear to you and who opens your heart. This could be someone in your family: one of your parents, a sibling, a grandmother or a grandpa, a close friend, maybe children if you have them, or a beloved co-worker... You can also take your partner, but better not if you are still madly in love. The exercise can then easily lose its power because you can be overwhelmed by sensual desire. If it helps you, you can visualize the chosen person and put it in front of you in your mind. You can then reflect as follows: ‘Just as I myself want to live happily and in harmony, may you also experience happiness and harmony’.
Session 4
What would you wish for this person? Maybe a wish that comes to mind spontaneously or else one of the general basic wishes: ‘May you be free from danger’. ‘May you be free from sickness or be balanced’. ‘May you be happy’. Or ‘May you live with ease’. You can stick to one person, but if someone else comes to mind who is also dear to you, you can quietly include this person in the exercise and send him, her, or them a kind wish. And you can stick to one wish, but if along the way another wish spontaneously arises that fits just a little better, then you can continue with it. And if it becomes tiring to repeat the entire wish phrase over and over again, you can shorten the wish to one or two words as needed and repeat them gently, on the breath movements or separately from the breath. Or sometimes let the wish rest for a while and sit alone with the mild state of mind. To gently repeat the wish or the valuable wishful understanding when you notice that the mind is becoming a bit more restless again. If you’re having trouble finding a suitable candidate, you can also think of a pet, your dog, cat, goldfish, or horse, and let the desire or kindness flow to this favorite animal. And whether the wishes reach and affect the chosen person or animal, it’s hard to say. Maybe this isn’t all that relevant either. But there is already something very valuable in the benevolent or compassionate intention with which you do this. There is a state of mind that is free from resentment and aversion and is open and generous. So don’t be afraid to let the wish flow through you gently and casually, to the rhythm of the breathing or separately from it. Again, if you sometimes notice that you have wandered off or that the attention has been taken away from the wish by a sound or something else, then you do not have to condemn this. But perhaps you can then acknowledge this with kindness as ‘thinking’, ‘hearing’ or ‘feeling’ and with the same patient attitude let the wish flow through you again in the way that suits you well at this moment.
2. Exercise Kindness towards others - a neutral person
If you like, you can return to yourself as the center of the kind wish... And then – when you’re ready – think of someone you have a fairly neutral attitude towards. Someone you may know superficially and who you don’t obviously like, but also don’t dislike. In other words, a neutral person. Maybe someone who lives down the street from you and with whom you have little contact. Or someone who works in the supermarket where you sometimes get groceries. Or a colleague you occasionally meet in the company where you work. See if you can find such a person. It can prove difficult to find someone for who the feeling is exactly neutral.
Session 4
If that doesn’t work, you can get someone who comes close to that. If it helps you, you can visualize the chosen person and put it in front of you in your mind, and reflect: “Just as I want to live happily and in harmony myself, may you also experience happiness and harmony.” Then repeat a spontaneously arising wishing phrase or one of the four standard wishes very lightly and let it flow through you, flowing together with the breathing movements or separately from the breaths. After some training, you may also be able to include a few other neutral people in your practice, and possibly also animals that are quite neutral to you. Repeating these desires in this way, you develop four healing qualities at the same time. There is a wholesome intention in the form of benevolence. There is also attention or focused attention to bring back the wish again and again in a mild, calm way when you have wandered off. The positive emotions that are developed give relaxation, light-heartedness and happiness of mind and the deeper connection with ourselves and others creates peace and security. For example, people and animals that used to be neutral can get a bigger place in your heart through regular practice. So continue to let the kind or compassionate desire flow through you, in this case connecting with one or a few neutral people or animals, until you hear the bell.
3. Exercise Compassionate Walking
You can also develop kindness or gentleness while walking. To do this, choose or find a place where you have about three to ten meters of space to walk back and forth. Stand on one side and first of all, be aware of the standing posture for a short time. In doing so, make sure you are comfortable. The feet hip-width apart, the knees should be soft, not locked. Relax the body upright, arms at the sides of the body or in such a way that the hands grip each other in front of the abdomen or behind the back. The head is also held upright. The eyes are opened and facing the ground about three to four meters in front of you, without needing to be focused on anything specifically. You can now be aware of the standing posture of the body. Also notice how you are in your state of mind. And whatever that is, it’s okay. Then you can ask yourself the following question: “What would I be able and willing to wish for myself as something kind at this time? What do I wish for myself?’ And see what kind of answer comes to mind. Perhaps gentleness, trust, courage, calm, or space . . . Or if a wish does not come to mind so clearly, you can use one of the four basic wishes: ‘May I feel safe’. ‘May I feel good physically’. ‘May I be happy’. Or ‘May I live in peace or with ease’. And you can then repeat this very lightly to yourself as a short, simple wish phrase.
Session 4
While you can make this coincide with the breathing movements while sitting, you can let it flow with the movements of the feet while walking. So, as you move the left foot, let the wish flow in sync with it, for example, “May I be happy.” And then let the same wish flow with the movement of the right foot, and so on. This way, you can repeat a wish that suits you, step by step. Find a pace that allows you to walk at a leisurely pace, a little slower than when you usually walk. It’s as if you’re strolling step by step, in a casual, light-hearted way. If you find it difficult to make this coincide with the movements of the feet, you can also gently repeat the chosen wish to yourself separately from the movements of the feet. And if it gets tiring to repeat the entire wish phrase over and over again, it’s also fine if you shorten the wish again. For example, you can shorten the wish ‘May I experience freedom’ to ‘experience freedom’.
The four base wishes:
“May I feel safe”. “May I feel physically well”.
“May I be happy”. Or “May I live in peace of in comfort”.
Or shorten ‘May I have faith in myself and in others’ to ‘have faith’. After all, you know the underlying meaning of the individual words. Even now, for simplicity’s sake, you can stick to one wish and you don’t have to come up with a new wish every time. But if another wish spontaneously arises that fits just a little better, you can build on it. And no matter how you feel about it, it’s okay. It can feel peaceful, or touching, angry, or sad, or very neutral. You may acknowledge it as it is; You don’t have to feel anything special. There is already something valuable in the compassionate intention, and with regular practice, this will gradually establish itself more and more in the inner system. This way you can repeat the kind or mild wish lightly over and over again and make it coincide with the movements of the feet.
Session 4
If you are walking back and forth in a room, you can also let the wish flow with the twisting movements at the end of each lap, notice the standing and start a new lap, repeating the wish gently and possibly merging it with the movements of the feet. The nice thing about compassionate walking is that you can do this at all kinds of speeds. A more specific training speed has just been mentioned, but you can also do the same while just walking; in a forest, or in a shopping street . . . You can also play with the kind wish. Let these relate to yourself as a basis, but you can sometimes also wish something friendly to a passer-by. For example, a stressful walk may also be able to get a cheerful touch. Just like sitting in the car you can let a friendly wish flow with regard to other drivers who are also stuck in traffic. Take a look at how this goes, and what effect it has on you.
For inspiration
Infectious
The round laughter of light.
You don’t even prick up your ears and suddenly it’s there, doesn’t come from far away, nor from close by, But he flips the corners of your mouth
And you can’t bite it
And you’ll never want to lose it
And by the way, why?
Hans Andreus
Session 4
Inspiration
Love after love
One day the time will come that you greet yourself joyfully, arriving at your own door, in your own mirror, And each smiles at each other’s welcome and says: sit down. Eat some. Once again, you will love the stranger who was once yourself. Give wine. Give bread. Give your heart back to itself, To the stranger who loved you all your life, to whom you passed by for another, that you know inside out. Pick up the love letters off the shelf, the photos, the desperate notes, Scrape your own face from the mirror. Sit down.
Make your life a feast.
Derek Walcott
PRACTICE SUGGESTIONS
FORMAL EXERCISE
1. Listen to the ‘Kindness to Others’ exercise once a day. Each time you do the exercise, mention it on the homework form, Also, write down any specifics so you can talk about them at the next session.
2. Do the ‘Compassionate walking’ exercise a few times this week
3. Connect regularly with the safe place and/or your compassionate companion.
4. Follow the advice about the exercise: compassion mode.
5. Read “Practice Pretending”
6. Follow a mindfulness exercise of your choice as needed, supported by compassion towards yourself (e.g. body scan, yoga or sitting in attention)
INFORMAL PRACTICE:
1. Regularly practice the breathing space with compassion at a time of your choosing, while embodying compassion mode.
And practice the breathing space compassion – coping and the self-compassion mantra as often as you like when you sense unpleasant feelings or are experiencing stress.
2. Be aware of the inner bully on a daily basis when it rears its ugly head. At a later date, fill out the “The Inner Bully” journal once a day. Use this as an opportunity to become aware of bodily sensations, thoughts, and feelings associated with that one event.
Note: This exercise loses value as the distance between the event and the completion of the scheme increases.
PRACTICE SUGGESTIONS
PRACTICE SHEET – AFTER SESSION 4
Write down each time you practice on the practice sheet and make notes of anything that comes up during practice at home, so we can talk about it next time.
Day/date
_____day
Date:
Practiced:
Formal:. . minutes. Informal:. . minutes.
Formal:__min
Informal:_min.
_____day Date: Formal:__min
_____day Date:
Informal:__min
Formal:__min
Informal:__min
_____day Date: Formal:__min
Informal:__min
_____day Date: Formal:__min
Informal:__min
_____day Date: Formal:__min
Informal:__min
_____day Date: Formal:__min
Informal:__min
_____day Date: Formal:__min
Informal:__min
Comments:
- What exercises did you do?
- What were the special features of the practice?
Additional details Week 4
PRACTICE SUGGESTIONS
Diary
What was the event?
Were you aware of inner bully while it was activated?
How did your body feel precisely during this experience?
With what moods and thoughts was this event accompanied?
Example: I received a compliment from a colleague about something he thought I had done well.
Yes
Blushing. My breath stopped. Physical tension
I felt uncomfortable and thought, “He probably doesn’t mean it. I’m sure he’s just saying it to justify the fact that I completely messed up.”
What’s going on now in your mind now, when writing? And what could be a compassionate response?
I believe that it is difficult for me to receive compliments. It’s nice that I recognized the inner bully. That’s worth a compliment! When I allow myself happiness, I may also be able to accept a compliment from someone else.
Day 1
DIARY INNER BULLY
PRACTICE SUGGESTIONS
Day 2
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