STRESS AND STRESS RESPONSES: FIGHT, FLIGHT, FREEZE &TEND AND BEFRIEND
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John Kabat-Zinn has the saying: ‘Pain is inevitable, suffering from it is an option’. That says quite a lot. Who chooses their suffering? He is referring to the suffering that is produced by our internal stress generator when we go along with unhealthy stress responses to the pain that is inherently there.
As soon as we ‘see’ our reaction, we are indeed given more freedom of choice: we can go along with it or not. An unconscious reaction can thus become a conscious response. If we are trapped in our resistance to the pain, our suffering will only increase.
Christopher Germer (2009) puts it in a formula:
PAIN X RESISTANCE = SUFFERING
We could put another formula next to it:
DESIRE X STRIVING = SUFFERING
When we do not notice the automatic reactions of our danger and hunting system but are unconsciously carried along by them, we inadvertently generate a lot of suffering, because most of the time there is no real danger and our essential needs of life are amply met. When we are controlled by functions of our old brain, through the instinctive avoidance of pain and the pursuit of pleasure, the internal stress generator is running at full speed.
In the event of a physical threat (a car coming at us at lightning speed as we cross the road), a quick automatic response (jumping away) can be lifesaving. In the case of a psychological threat (a nasty emotion or thought), this is less obvious. In the face of a physical and a psychological threat, we often show similar stress reactions. When our body is threatened, we respond with fight, flight, or freeze. That helps us to survive physically.
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When we experience emotional pain as a psychological threat, we often show similar reactions to ourselves in order to survive ‘psychologically’:
- ‘Fighting’ takes the form of self-criticism and self-reproach: we direct our aggression at the part of ourselves that makes us feel threatened;
- ‘Fleeing’ becomes self-isolation: we keep ourselves aloof from others out of fear, shame or mistrust and we are alone in our suffering;
- ‘Freezing’ becomes self-absorption and overidentification: we become locked into our ideas about ourselves and our pain.
These stress responses to psychological threat seem to be the new brain adaptations of the instinctual responses of the old brain. However, they often backfire and actually make our emotional pain worse. So why are these reactions so persistent? We have already seen how the brain is an evolutionary organ of survival. Our brain appears to have a preference for storing negative experiences in our memory. This has everything to do with increasing our chances of survival when we still lived under more primitive conditions. The part of the memory area of the emotional brain called the amygdala acts as an alarm bell, triggering anything that is recognized as a potential danger, causing our bodies to get ready to get us to safety as soon as possible. In the animal world, if you are being hunted, it is better to be safe than sorry. In the face of danger, a hare would rather run one too many times than too little. Better to miss one meal than to be the meal! (Figure 5).
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Our survival instinct can spring into action in the face of both physical and psychological threats (the amygdala sounds the alarm) and our body shows similar signs of stress in both cases. Even with our new brain functions, we have a hard time distinguishing between an external or an internal threat, and between self-preservation and psychological self-preservation. When our alarm bells ring, we flee before we even take the time to reflect on that distinction. When it comes to emotional pain, we often automatically start from decision diagram seen above: in case of possible danger... RUN! When emotional pain is seen as a threat to the loss of our psychological selves, we react as if our lives are at stake. Instead of a safe place where we can feel at home, a part of our inner world becomes ‘perilous’ terrain, including the areas in our body where the emotional pain manifests itself. The fact that we ‘flee’ is understandable from the point of our quickly reacting survival instinct, but the price in the long term is high: we can no longer take care of our emotional pain and lose the connection with our body. Also, we withdraw from others who remind us of the emotional pain, including those who could help us, because they also remind us of it. Often it is ‘safer’ to focus on the pain of others than on our own (and this can lead to a ‘caregiver syndrome’). We alienated from one part of ourselves (painful emotions and associated body sensations) and withdraw into the other part where we feel safe: our head.
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Instead of feeling, we start to think and identify with a constrained self- and worldview (‘freeze’). We hide in our views and defend ourselves against feelings and thoughts that we see as a possible threat, we ‘fight’ ourselves and others who question our ideas.
For most forms of psychological stress and emotional pain (except perhaps when it is very acute, intense and overwhelming and also physically threatening) a response other than fight, flight, freeze would be much healthier. Fortunately, this response is also available, namely: tend and befriend. Scientists now distinguish this fourth instinctual response to stress, which is anchored in the ancient mammalian brain (the caring and calming system). This reaction is characterized by a protective, caring attitude towards offspring and vulnerable members of the same species (tend) and a focus on more social contact (befriended). So, in addition to Fight, Flight and Freeze, there is also: Caring and Seeking Connection (5x ‘V’).
This reaction involves the hormone oxytocin, whose action is amplified by the mainly female hormone estrogen. So women seem to be naturally better equipped to tend and befriend, but that doesn’t mean men aren’t capable of it.
Compassion (in women and men) seems to be the new brain adaptation of this stress response of the old mammal brain, the conscious choice to tend and befriend focused on the suffering other person, and, in the case of self-compassion, on the suffering self. Although tend and befriend appears to be a less primitive stress response than fight, flight and freeze, tend and befriend can cause suffering if it is also activated when it is not necessary. It can then lead to excessive caring stress, as is noticeable in some (women more than men). What started as a reaction aimed at social bonding then turns into compulsive caregiving, resulting in exhaustion. Caring for others then exists at the expense of caring for ourselves.
SELF-COMPASSION AS AN ANSWER TO OUR PAIN
Self-compassion is the healthier response to emotional pain. Kristin Neff (Figure 6) distinguishes three qualities that provide an antidote to the psychological equivalents of fight, flight, and freeze:
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- The antidote to self-criticism is self-kindness, meaning mildness and loving kindness towards ourselves.
- The antidote to self-isolation is common humanity, a sense of belonging to humanity as a whole. Our suffering may vary in form and detail, but it is part of the general human condition and in our suffering we are not alone.
- The antidote or “antifreeze” to self-absorption and overidentification is mindfulness, open non-judgmental attention to the emotional pain and our reactions to it, without identifying with our judgments. By mindfully ‘staying with it’, what is frozen can thaw again.
THREAT
PHYSICAL PSYCHOLOGICAL
FIGHT SELF-CRITICISM
TEND & BEFRIEND
SELF-COMPASSION:
• SELF-KINDNESS
FLIGHT SELF-ISOLATION • COMMON HUMANITY
FREEZE SELF-ABSORPTION • MINDFULNESS OVER-IDENTIFICATION
Figure 6: Stress responses scheme and self-compassion
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When we practice self-compassion, it can lead to a different, more beneficial relationship with our pain. Please note: compassion training does not replace other treatment methods that can alleviate our pain, but is complementary to it. It can help us make a wise decision in dealing with the pain. Emotional pain often cannot be actively combated, as is the case with a lot of physical pain. At most, we can temporarily distract ourselves from it or seek numbing by using medication or alcohol. Both fighting and avoiding emotional pain often only make things worse.
In healthcare, a distinction is made between cure and care. Cure is what we do when we know a solution to the problem (fix the problem: remove the inflamed appendix, splint the broken leg). Care is what we can still do when all possibilities for cure have been exhausted. In the case of emotional pain, it is better to stop striving to fix the problem as soon as possible. Paradoxically, care can actually lead to cure. But physical pain can also become chronic and in itself give rise to a lot of emotional pain. Physical causes are not always found or there is no known cure for the causes that are found. Also, the physical pain itself can be an expression of emotional pain. Acceptance of pain doesn’t happen overnight. Sometimes we only feel resistance and it seems like a long road to care from full acceptance.
Christopher Germer distinguishes five stages in the process of acceptance:
1. Aversion – resistance, avoidance, rumination
2. Curiosity – turning toward with interest
3. Tolerance – tolerate peacefully
4. Allowing – letting painful feelings come and go
5. Friendship – embracing, acknowledging the hidden value
‘Com-passion’ literally means ‘to suffer with’. ‘Self-compassion’ is ‘suffering with ourselves’ and a special form of acceptance: namely, acceptance of ourselves as we are, of our pain and of our reactions to the pain. Self-compassion is that giving care and kindness to ourselves that we would also give to loved ones.
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There is nothing artificial about it. It is a natural fact with deep roots in the ancient mammalian brain and the caring and calming system. Culture and nature are in constant interaction with each other. In our culture, attitudes towards emotional pain seem rather hostile, so our danger system usually wins out over the care system when we are confronted with it. We are desperately striving for cure, even where care is more appropriate. And when cure for emotional pain fails, guilt and shame are encouraged more than self-compassion. The emphasis on our individual responsibility, including when we have not chosen so, promotes isolation and makes it more difficult to realize common humanity. Emotional neglect and psychological trauma should naturally lead to the practice of self-compassion. Yet we quickly react with self-reproach, self-isolation or selfabsorption. We experience as if it is our fault, think we are the only one going through it or identify with the victimhood.
In cultures where (self-)compassion is actively practiced, post-traumatic stress disorders seem to be less common.
For example, in the Tibetan monks who had to endure torture in Chinese prisons and continued to practice compassion for themselves and their executioners. In Western culture, we encounter self-pity more often than self-compassion. In self-pity, the world contracts around us and makes us the suffering center. Self-compassion on the other hand, opens us up to the world around us and to the universal suffering of humanity. By cultivating self-compassion, we contribute to the healing of ourselves and the world as a whole. We develop a caring attitude that can extend to any kind of pain.
Scientific research shows that self-compassion goes hand in hand with - a mitigating influence on the impact of negative events
- more personal initiative, greater ability to deal with difficulties and taking responsibility for one’s own actions (even when they turn out to be unfavorable)
- less fear of making mistakes and less fear of rejection
- more self-respect and sympathy for one’s own shortcomings
- better selfcare and healthier eating habits
- more emotional intelligence and more effective emotion regulation by approaching emotions with kindness rather than with hostility
- more positive emotions, wisdom, happiness and optimism
- increased social connectedness
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Christoper Germer distinguishes five main paths (physical, mental, emotional, relational and spiritual) through which more self-compassion can enter our lives.
FIVE PATHS TO SELF-COMPASSION
1. The way of the body: soften. When our bodies are under stress, instead of tensing and pushing off, perhaps we can also allow softness into our bodies? Increased muscle tension is part of fight, flight, freeze. When the threat comes from within, softness is what our bodies really need. Good practice opportunities are the formal mindfulness exercises (body scan, yoga, sitting meditation), the short breathing spaces, and every informal mindfulness moment in what we are doing now. When we have tension in our bodies, we may be able to allow it to flow away. It is not about frantically striving for relaxation. Forcing only creates more tension. We don’t have to push the tension away, but we can let softness flow in when breathing, in our abdomen, shoulders, face or any part of the body. Our bodies need attention, care and proper nutrition to function properly. An attitude of self-compassion can be found in many moments: when going to bed, waking up, showering, dressing, walking, cycling, exercising, eating, etc.
2. The way of thoughts: allowing. Can we allow our thoughts, no matter how they behave at the moment? When our thoughts are heavy or racing on, or we are fighting against them, we can take a step back and simply ‘look’ at our thoughts without resistance. Even though we put a lot of importance on their content, we can keep them light and playful in our consciousness. Seeing how impermanent they are, we can’t hold on to them anyway. We can’t predict them either. Do you know what you’ll be thinking the next minute? So let them come and go. They go their own way anyway. We can remind ourselves of a helpful metaphor (looking at the clouds in the sky, the leaves on the river, standing behind the waterfall) or a mantra (‘This is also worth it... And this... and this...’. “This, too, shall pass... And this... and this...’). Humor can also help you take a step back: ‘Poor, overworked brain... consumes 25% of the oxygen with its 2% body weight... poor brain... You’re so busy...’ And when lying awake: ‘been busy all day, and also working overtime at night... I feel sorry for you, poor brain... It’s up to you, I can’t stop you...’
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3. The Way of Feelings: Embracing. Can we befriend our painful emotions instead of fighting them or fleeing from them? The above-mentioned five steps of acceptance can help to see the stages in the process. Also, the perspective of someone who has our best interests at heart can be helpful: how would your best friend support you right now... or your ideal mentor, wise helper, Jesus, Buddha...? Of course, we can also allow ourselves positive emotions (not as an escape from pain, but out of kindness), by choosing an occupation that can do us good. For example, listening to music, taking care of a pet, going out into nature, picking up an inspiring poem (e.g. ‘The Inn’) or book, looking at art, etc.
4. The relational path: allowing ourselves to meet others is also self-compassion, even if this carries a risk of (repetition of) emotional pain. Certainly, others can give us pain, but also kindness and a sense of common humanity (we are not alone). They can also help to thaw our rigid ideas. What is essential is how we make contact. When we allow ourselves to be guided by the desire to be benevolent to others and not to harm, it in turn inspires them to be kind to us. The Dalai Lama calls this: wisely selfish, altruism as a wise form of selfishness. Research confirms that altruism and happiness in life are strongly linked.
5. The spiritual path: this is not a formal religion (although of course there are many religious paths to (self-)compassion, which may or may not appeal to us), but an experiential spirituality that helps us to be less self-conscious and less self-clinging. This helps us not only to be open to others, but also to the mystery of life itself, the miracle of our existence and our awareness of it. As we have to protect less ‘self’ and take with us as a ‘burden’, there will be more room for self-transcending values. Spiritual selfcare is being committed to those values that touch our hearts and give our lives direction and vitality. You may think that because of all your pain, you can’t see it. Yet it is not a coincidence that in all cultures, there are stories that explain how it is precisely in the worst pain, fear and despair that the greatest treasure (value) can be hidden.
PITFALLS AND MISUNDERSTANDINGS
Depending on our learning history, we may encounter challenges on all of these paths from the very first steps, such as:
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- I feel so restless, I should calm down, right? Working on self-compassion and our care and calming system can paradoxically lead to restlessness. Our danger system can be triggered when we experience it as unsafe to allow relaxation in our body, to look at unpleasant thoughts or images, to feel painful emotions, or to let ourselves be touched by warm feelings for ourselves and others or deeply cherished values (‘can I trust them?’).
This is not a failure, but rather a new call for self-compassion. Start with what is: the turmoil itself. Your danger system is apparently on edge. From your learning history, there will be good reason for that. Remember the five steps of acceptance, you don’t have to jump from aversion to friendship in one jump. And you can always wish yourself peace out of compassion. “May I be calm.”
- Have to and want. As with the practice of mindfulness, a sense of duty and striving for results can quickly become the drivers of compassion practice. The verb ‘must’ often comes from the danger system (threat), the verb ‘want’ from the hunting system (desire). The caring system includes other verbs: ‘may’, ‘wish’ or ‘grant’. Whenever you notice “should” or “want” in your attitude, you can remind yourself of the verbs that fit an attitude of kindness and caring.
- I don’t feel any positive emotions, am I doing it right? Emotions can be unpleasant or pleasant, compassion opens up to both and gives full recognition to both. Both are valuable messengers. If you want to avoid unpleasant emotions and ward them off as soon as they are there (danger system), that is a source of suffering and focus for selfcompassion. If you seek out the pleasant emotions and want to hold on to them as soon as they are there (hunting system), then that is also a source of suffering and focus for compassion. It’s true that compassion practice often generates “positive” emotions, but they can’t be forced. It is also not so much about the short-lived pleasures of the hunting system, but about the often much more subtle feelings of warmth, happiness, vibration, space or lightness in the heart area and peaceful calm in the body. Your intention to develop compassionate feelings does not mean that they are there right away. You can always wish them on yourself: ‘May I feel….’
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- I’m not allowed to enjoy myself while practicing compassion. The fact that selfcompassion opens up to our ‘suffering’ does not mean that we should not be open to beautiful moments at the same time. It is precisely the kindness aspect of selfcompassion and the intention to alleviate suffering that we are open to the pleasurable sensory sensations and feelings that present themselves, and enjoy them fully while they are there, without clinging to them.
- I already found the attention training so difficult, so I probably won’t be able to do this at all. It is true that attention training can be a good foundation for compassion training. However, it is not the case that we can only start compassion training when we are advanced in attention training, they belong together and reinforce each other. It has been said that when the eyes open, the heart opens. The reverse is equally true: when the heart opens, the eyes open. Mindfulness is called heartfulness for a reason.
- I think it’s all so ‘soft’. In addition to gentleness and caring, compassion also requires courage and strength. Remember that compassion is rooted in our survival instinct, and is meant to face not only minor discomforts but also serious suffering. We don’t survive with ‘softness’ when it really comes down to it. Do we have the courage and confidence not to look away, but to keep looking mild and with courage and do what is necessary? Courage and (self-)compassion are both qualities of the heart that go hand in hand. Courage is derived from ‘cor’ or ‘coeur’ (= heart). (Self-)compassion is also accompanied by an attitude of non-violence or non-harm. That’s not ‘soft’ either. It takes courage not to use violence. Violence only adds to our suffering. That’s not to say that compassion will never lead to “hard” actions and discipline. That is quite possible, but not from ‘must’ or ‘want’, but from the desire to alleviate suffering, in the kindest and least harmful way.
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IMAGINE... THE IMAGINATION AS A TOOL
We have already established that our new brain, with its myriad possibilities, can work both for and against us. In compassion training, we gratefully use our language and imagination to make it work for us. We take advantage of the fact that our emotional brain and body react in the same way when a similar stimulus comes from outside or from within, from capability to imagine. imagination (Figure 7).
Shame/ punish Sexual activity
Food Meal
Salivation/ Gastric acid
Sex
Kindness/ Warmth
Shame Self-criticism
Limbic system Compassion
Arousal
Relaxation response Calm, Content Stress reaction/ Fearful/Depressed
Recovery, growth and change
and internal
When we are eating good food, our body shows all kinds of physiological reactions (salivation, gastric juice production). If we as much as imagine a nice meal, the same phenomena occur in our body. Just the thought of food makes our mouths water. When we are completely absorbed in sexual activity, our body shows all kinds of signs of arousal. If we only think about sex, the same thing happens and the more vivid our image is, the more violently our body reacts. When we experience an event in which others shame or punish us, our body shows a range of stress symptoms.
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If we only think back to that event, the same thing happens in our body. If we think about it very often or imagine that it is going to happen again, the stress response repeats itself over and over again. We don’t need the outside world to get stressed at all. Also, when we criticize ourselves in our minds, the stress response occurs and if we do it often enough, our body is in a chronic state of stress, where we can become increasingly anxious and depressed. In this way, our new brain can start working against us. When we are in a warm, safe environment with caring people who care about us, our bodies respond with feelings of calmness, contentment, and well-being. Again, our body reacts the same when we just imagine that situation. And here too, when we have had the misfortune to have experienced few such situations, we can still exercise our care and calming system with the help of our imagination. In this way, our new brain can start working for us in compassion practice. That’s not always easy. It can be difficult to imagine a situation with caring others when we have received little or no loving care from our parents or guardians. Or when their love turned out to be unreliable, because they were unpredictably aggressive, took advantage of us or abandoned us. If we imagine a situation with caring others, it can happen that it is not our calming system but our danger system that is activated. The practice of the ‘safe place’ or ‘the color of compassion’ can then be a friendlier start, because there are no other people in it.
There are multiple ways to do compassion training through our imagination, so that we can build up the exercises in a way that suits us. We can do guided memories (e.g., reminiscing about times when we gave or received compassion) or guided fantasies (e.g., imagining an ideal compassionate person). It often happens that we don’t have clear visual images in this regard. That’s okay. It is normal for mental images to be not sharp but more fleeting impressions, changing from moment to moment. It’s also not just about visualizing, but about being open to all sensory aspects. Sometimes sensory sensations other than visual sensations are more prominent (hearing, smelling, touching). The key to practice is the intention to be open to feelings of compassion, even if they may be delayed. Wandering off is also normal and we can deal with it in the same way as with other mindfulness exercises: noticing from non-judgement and kindly returning to the field of attention of choice, to the image of the exercise in question.
PRACTICE SUGGESTIONS
FORMAL EXERCISE:
1. 1. Listen to the exercise once each day: Connecting with something pleasant and the selfcompassion exercise. If practicing with guidance is no longer helpful for you after a few days, you can do the exercise daily without guidance. You don’t have to expect anything from the practice, just let your experience be your experience, without you having to judge it. Write down each time you do the exercise (with or without supervision) on the exercise form. Also, write down any specifics so you can talk about them at the next session. Note: Choose a time when you are open to practicing.
2. Connect with the safe place once every day.
3. Listen to the exercise The Compassionate Companion and/or elaborate: Worksheet “your ideal compassionate companion”
What would you like your ideal compassionate companion to look like – visual qualities?
What would you like your companion to sound like – e.g., tone of voice?
PRACTICE SUGGESTIONS
What other perceptible qualities would you give your companion?
How would you wish your compassionate companion would treat you?
How would you like you to treat your compassionate companion?
4.. Do the exercise ‘Dealing compassionately with resistance’ a few times
5. Follow a mindfulness exercise of your choice, supported by compassion towards yourself (body scan, lying or standing yoga or sitting in attention) from the Mindfulness course – with or without the use of guidance.
PRACTICE SUGGESTIONS
INFORMAL PRACTICE:
1. Practice the breathing space of compassion daily at a time of your choosing.
2. Practice breathing space with compassion – coping, whenever you sense unpleasant feelings. (there is a guided version: This one is called the breathing space with compassion for emotional pain) Write down comments/difficulties on the homework form.
3. An even easier exercise at a time when you are experiencing stress, pain or suffering is exercise ‘The Self-Compassion Mantra’. You can also apply these as a coping exercise.
EXERCISE: THE SELF-COMPASSION MANTRA (after Kristin Neff, 2011)
“Whenever we experience emotional pain, we can remind ourselves to have compassion for ourselves by saying the following phrases to ourselves. When we do that repeatedly, they form a kind of mantra. You can, if you want, keep your hand on your heart area.
“This is a moment of suffering.”
“Suffering is part of life.”
“May I be (mild) kind to myself here and now.”
“May I give myself the compassion I need”
The phrases are short and easy to remember, and they connect us to all three components of selfcompassion, as described by Kristin Neff: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. ‘This is a moment of suffering’ supports the mindfulness aspect and helps us to be mindful of our suffering.
‘Suffering is part of life’ reminds us of the imperfection of human existence, of which we are all a part of.
PRACTICE SUGGESTIONS
“May I be kind to myself here and now” reminds us of the kindness aspect of self-compassion and helps to feel involved in your experience of pain in a warm, caring way. “May I give myself the compassion I need” you can add to underline that, like everyone else, you can’t do without compassion. If necessary, come up with your own variations on these phrases so that they are the best fit for you. Make sure that all three components are reflected in it.
4. Be aware of the danger system as one of the emotion regulation systems from session 1 on a daily basis.
At a later date, fill in the ‘Danger System’ diary once a day. Use this as an opportunity to become aware of bodily sensations, thoughts, and feelings associated with that one event. Write down the exact nature and location of the physical sensations as soon as possible and preferably in detail (use the words and/or images that came up as much as possible).
Note: This exercise loses value as the distance between the event and the completion of the sheet increases.
PRACTICE SUGGESTIONS
PRACTICE SHEET – AFTER SESSION 2
Write down each time you practice on the practice sheet and make notes of anything that comes up during practice at home, so we can talk about it next time.
Day/date
_____day
Date:
_____day
Practiced:
Formal:. . minutes. Informal:. . minutes.
Formal:__min
Informal:_min.
Date: Formal:__min
Informal:__min
Comments:
- What exercises did you do?
- What were the special features of the practice?
_____day
Date: Formal:__min
Informal:__min
_____day
Date: Formal:__min
Informal:__min
_____day Date: Formal:__min
Informal:__min
_____day Date: Formal:__min
Informal:__min
_____day Date: Formal:__min
Informal:__min
_____day
Date: Formal:__min
Informal:__min
Additional details
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PRACTICE SUGGESTIONS
DANGER SYSTEM DIARY
Diary
What was the event?
Example: I was walking in the park and a man came up to me. This man started suddenly talking to me
Were you aware of the hazard system while it was activated?
Yes
How exactly did your body feel during this experience?
With what moods and thoughts was this event accompanied?
Tense.
My breath stopped. I felt the throbbing of my heart.
I felt unsafe and thought: “What does this man want from me?”
“I hope there is someone nearby”. Relief when it turned out that the mean only wanted to know the way.
What’s going on in your mind now, while describing? And what could be a compassionate response?
Glad I could help him. I don’t have to condemn myself that my hazard system sounds the alarm. I can congratulate myself that I was able to ‘stay’ with it. By consciously observing myself and the situation, I discovered that it was actually a friendly man
Day 1
PRACTICE SUGGESTIONS
5
“Keep
some room in your heart for the unimaginable” – Mary Oliver
I’m not me
I’m the one who walks unseen next to me who I sometimes visit and the one I often forget
The one who is quietly silent when I speak Who mildly forgives when I hate who roams where I don’t go that stays upright when I die.
Juan Ramón Jiménez
STILLNESS
Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are In the end, they were princesses who in fear and trembling just waiting to see us awaken just once brave and clean. Perhaps all that is alive in horror Is in essence, nothing else than something that needs our love.
Rainer Maria Rilke
You may think you need to say something. You may think you have to cheer me up. You might want to see me laugh and enjoy myself again, You may think you need to comfort and advise me. What I ask is this: Would you once more and once more listen to my story, to what I feel and think. You just have to be quiet, to look at me, to give me time. You don’t even have to understand my grief But if it is possible just accept it as it feels to me. Being present while listening will change my day.