FALCOBETSYBYILLUSTRATION
Did you ever feel any pressure to “come out” to your family and friends and how did that pressure affect you? Ross “I definitely did feel pressure. When I was bullied in school for my sexuality people would tell me to “just come out”. My cousin also done this at a family party, and it was the most horrible thing. Funnily enough he is also gay, looking back he should’ve had more understanding of how difficult it can be coming to terms with who you are. The pressure took a toll on my mental health and made it even more difficult to face coming out.” Brian “I never felt I had to come out to anyone. From my perspective it was no one’s business who I kissed or slept with. I felt very confident on that front and still do to this day. I always believed if you have to concern yourself with knowing if someone is gay or not for your own self-satisfaction then you are not worth my time and I’m more likely to not tell you. I don’t believe anyone should need to come out. You live your own life as does every other human being on this planet from the beginning of time to the present day.” Derek “Coming out was a very intense, terrifying time, a moment I will remember for the rest of my life. I remember sitting down with a friend one night and it was at the tip of my tongue. I had chills down my spine, it was so scary and in that moment I remembered a friend once told me, ‘the minute someone tells someone else they’re gay, that means there’s no going back’. I stopped and thought, ‘am I doing the right thing?’. I had to go with my head or my heart. I chose my heart and sobbed to my friend ‘I am gay and I don’t know what to do’. She
144
just say – these are my likes and interests, however flamboyant and feminine they might be. I didn’t have to act a certain way anymore it became a kind of ‘screw you I’ll do what I want’ attitude from that point on. It made me be authentically myself which was all I could have wanted.”
145G rowing Pains
Sarah “In a way I think I did feel some kind of pressure to come out, but more so due to the fact that I felt like it would be easier for them to understand if I had explained that I also like women, rather than potentially meeting and bringing a woman to meet my family later on without having told them beforehand. I feel that in some cases it eases them into the idea and gives them time to process. I know there are mixed reactions and it’s a very valid fear for a lot of people that their family will take it badly. In some sense I’ve experienced that too when I came out to my sister the very first time by telling her I liked women and men. It was ingrained in her that it was disgusting and greedy, and she reacted by telling me as much. I ended up going back on what I’d said in a panic and acting as though I had only been joking to see her Itreaction.wasonly in recent years that I came out to my mum, after being in a nine year relationship with a man, and then another relationship with a man that lasted a year. I don’t think she could get her head around the fact that I’d been with a man for so long, and yet I’m more inclined toward Everywomen.now and then, even to this day, she will occasionally tell me I might meet a nice man someday, fall in love and have kids. I could, she’s right, but to be honest... I don’t feel the same attraction toward men as I do women. But in short yeah, I did feel some kind of pressure to come out, but not necessarily for the same reasons others do.” hugged me for ten minutes and said, ‘I am so proud of you’. I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I was emotional. It took me five years to tell a friend but ten years to tell my family. My family are a very traditional family and I was so scared to tell my parents that it made me feel physically sick. The moment I told my dad will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I remember sitting at the top of the stairs and saying to him, ‘Dad there is something I really need to tell you but I just can’t get it out’. He replied with suggestions like drugs, money troubles, sickness and then he finally said, ‘you’re not gay, are you?’. I felt like shattered glass. I said yes then I ran out of the house, I was hysterical. It was a very emotional and damaging experience for two reasons. One, the way I told my dad was not great and two, his reaction was not great. He was in shock; he hadn’t known anyone to be gay in our family or friends. My dad now fully accepts me and understand my sexuality and has never made me feel that way ever again. I understand now that I just needed him to understand me and I gave him time to. Your worst dread is not having the support of your family and although at first it wasn’t supportive, through time we are closer than ever.” Lewis “I don’t really remember getting a whole lot of bother in school, the first four years I played it ‘straight’, or as straight as I could when everyone knew I was gay, but nobody ever brought it up to my face. When it was time for people to know, I didn’t actually get that moment to myself, it was kind of ripped away from me by people that I thought I could trust. Evidently, I shouldn’t have trusted them, but I honestly couldn’t be happier it happened that way because as soon as people knew, it felt like a release for me to
Is there anything related to your sexuality that was complicated for you and how did you deal with it? Derek “Growing up, I went through a traumatic experience that not many know about for personal reasons. I believe that factors into the reasons I am gay. Also growing up there was a friend who was a boy and we began to have a sexual relationship but only after we were drinking. We never spoke about it ever when we sober. We would wake up the next day and never talk about it. This really messed with my head and caused me anxiety Every time we were drunk, he would want to show me affection through text and in person but when we were sober, he didn’t show me any affection. What I learned from this situation was to never forget how amazing you are and don’t ever lose sight of your self-worth. I remember one day when he was trying to text and call me I just stopped responding which gave me back control of the situation. My advice for anyone in a similar situation would be that it’s not wrong to start building a relationship or connection with someone but communication is key. Make sure you are on the same page.” Emma “I never felt like my sexuality was a struggle and just always considered myself straight but I have always thought other women are attractive. I think as women we often try hard to make ourselves look and feel attractive, so that seemed obvious to me that I would appreciate that quality in other women the same way I hoped they would see that in me, I guess. I think a lot of the effort is part of this ritual we engage in to be accepted or appreciated by other women, but I also think there’s a fine line between whether you appreciate that in the same sex or whether you are attracted to it. Or basically whether you find someone attractive or desirable. In a way that’s deeper than physical attraction, a part of me feels like women have such power and vulnerability at the same time and there’s just something about being a woman that is inherently sexy. That really simplifies it - and it could be some kind of evolutionary thing where we’re supposed to feel sexy, who knows, but to me personally I think it’s a nobrainer that women are hot. I think looking back I’ve had moments where partners have questioned my sexuality or made jokes about it and I felt confused by that. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realised it’s not that uncommon to think other girls are hot but just not necessarily see yourself in a relationship with one, or feel like you haven’t met any girls that you’ve had a romantic interest in. I think romantic and sexual interests can be different for people too and I don’t think that’s really been normalised yet because there’s been so much heteronormativity ingrained in society, and that has made it complicated to explore or express any nuance between gay and not gay.”
Alex “In terms of my sexuality, I really didn’t feel the pressure to come out to my family. I only told my mum because I wanted advice on a girl I liked and, although at first she thought I was too young, after a while she was more supportive. With my friends, I didn’t feel much pressure either as another friend had come out the week before and that gave me the confidence to do it too.”
146
SMITHKATIEBYILLUSTRATION 147G rowing Pains
Hannah “When I was younger, I was always more of a ‘tomboy’, dresses and make-up weren’t really my thing. I remember when I was really young being jealous of my brother, thinking I just wanted to be a boy because I wanted to wear the same things he did. Especially back then people had a lot of opinions on your sexuality that were linked to how you looked or dressed, which made me question where my head was at for a long time.
Brian “I was always so afraid of being accepted or opposing, hated for being who I am. I gave myself a lot of complexes concerning who I was and who I wanted to be seen as. I never wanted to be known as Brian The Gay Guy because that alone doesn’t define who I am. I suppose with age and experience, and not caring as much what other people think has made me stronger and able to settle into the person I am inside, and to be that person on the outside comfortably.” Ross “Growing up gay resulted in me struggling with my mental health. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety from a young age. Even after coming out, I still struggled because the effects of the bullying that I experienced growing up stayed with me for a long time. To tackle it I ended up on depression and anxiety medication, focused on working out and bettering myself, and surrounding myself with the right people. I still have issues with my mental health, however they’re a lot easier to manage now.”
Alex “As a trans guy, I’ve gone through a lot of labels and honestly I’m still figuring it all out now. When I started primary school I remember thinking ’I would marry that girl if I was a boy’ so I’ve always known I was interested in girls. In my teenage years, I experimented a bit with boys but I think one of the main reasons I didn’t feel particularly comfortable was the fact that I was still coming to terms with my gender Myidentityfriend group in secondary school was really supportive and never made comments if I said I liked a girl or a boy, they just kind of went with the flow and I realise now that that was the best way they could have helped me. If I’d had to have deep chats etc. then I think that would have stressed me out more and I wouldn’t have had the space I needed to learn what was best for me.”
There’s also been times where I’ve changed my dating websites to all genders thinking that’s the right thing for me. I can look at a woman and find her very attractive, as I think most women do. I always thought that meant that I wanted to be with a woman but with more time and more relationships I’ve realised that it doesn’t have to be that black and white. I feel lucky to be living in the time we are now where things are much more fluid and there doesn’t have to be an answer for everything. As long as everyone is happy then we should all be happy and respect that.”
What is something you wish you understood more about sexuality growing up? Kayleigh “I wish I understood how fluid sexuality is in general. There were so many stereotypes at the time that seemed to be forced to go hand in hand with sexuality too. For me growing up I felt like I had to be either Gay or Straight. Neither of which truly resonated with me at the time.
I wasn't accepting of my masculinity as a woman and femininity made me uncomfortable, forced on me by my mother now and again. Now I find myself comfortably bisexual, being accepting and attracted to both masculinity and femininity regardless of the persons gender and I openly embrace both my masculine and feminine sides.”
148
Ross “I just wish I was able to understand that it’s okay to be gay, and there’s more people out there like me. That way I wouldn’t have grown up hating myself and wasting so much time of my life constantly trying to be something I wasn’t.”
Derek “Growing up I wish sexuality wasn’t such a taboo subject. The first time I ever heard about homosexuality was when a boy in my class came out in school and it was really the talk of the school. I had never properly thought or talked about it until that moment. I always had a feeling but it was way tucked into a very dark hole that I kept closed for years. When the boy came out it gave me shivers and scared me and that was the day that I knew I was gay. If there was more discussion and information in school and in the media growing up it would have made it easier to learn and figure out who I was, and understand myself, and accept as well as adapt to my sexuality much easier than I did.”
Helen “I think from a very young age I was exposed to sex in movies and television programmes, and sexual discussions on late night talk shows, so I kind of got a false interpretation of sex because none of that was real. I started watching porn from a young age as well and thought that’s what sex was going to be like. I felt like sex was more of a performance than a connection. I think I relied upon the visuals of sex more than the feeling, so I wish I had known what a more realistic portrayal of sex looked like. To be honest I’m still learning what feels good and how to communicate that to someone else. I think films and stuff made me feel like sex was about being desirable and that someone else would just know what to do. Or about having to play a certain role for them, and them having to play a certain role for me too.”
Ross “I just wish I was able to understand that it’s okay to be gay, and there’s more people out there like me. That way I wouldn’t have grown up hating myself and wasting so much time of my life constantly trying to be something I wasn’t.”
Derek “Growing up I wish sexuality wasn’t such a taboo subject. The first time I ever heard about homosexuality was when a boy in my class came out in school and it was really the talk of the school. I had never properly thought or talked about it until that moment. I always had a feeling but it was way tucked into a very dark hole that I kept closed for years. When the boy came out it gave me shivers and scared me and that was the day that I knew I was gay. If there was more discussion and information in school and in the media growing up it would have made it easier to learn and figure out who I was, and understand myself, and accept as well as adapt to my sexuality much easier than I did.”
Alex “I wish I knew that the first time you come out doesn’t define your identity for the rest of your life. When I was thirteen, I came out as bisexual and felt so anxious that I had to stick with that label forever.”
Brian “I’ve always understood my own sexuality but not fully accepted it, but because I understood it, I didn’t have a lot of questions growing up. I followed my own path and learned the lessons I did along the way.”
DUCKERMABELBYILLUSTRATION 149G rowing Pains
Alex “I wish I knew that the first time you come out doesn’t define your identity for the rest of your life. When I was thirteen, I came out as bisexual and felt so anxious that I had to stick with that label forever.”
Helen “I think from a very young age I was exposed to sex in movies and television programmes, and sexual discussions on late night talk shows, so I kind of got a false interpretation of sex because none of that was real. I started watching porn from a young age as well and thought that’s what sex was going to be like. I felt like sex was more of a performance than a connection. I think I relied upon the visuals of sex more than the feeling, so I wish I had known what a more realistic portrayal of sex looked like. To be honest I’m still learning what feels good and how to communicate that to someone else. I think films and stuff made me feel like sex was about being desirable and that someone else would just know what to do. Or about having to play a certain role for them, and them having to play a certain role for me too.”
Brian “I’ve always understood my own sexuality but not fully accepted it, but because I understood it, I didn’t have a lot of questions growing up. I followed my own path and learned the lessons I did along the way.”
150Contraception
I hope this educates people who don’t realise how drastically different and how detrimental those side effects can be, and I hope it inspires others to consider switching their contraception before they change something unnecessary about themselves.
Most women are deep into their twenties before they realise they have gone down a rabbit hole of lost time, damaged relationships, alien behaviour and additional medication they did not need - only to come to the conclusion that the synthetic hormones they were ingesting did not agree with their bodies.
They are informed that hormonal contraception can assist with conditions like polycystic ovary syndrome (which affects the function of the ovaries), cystitis (which inflames the bladder) and endometriosis (where tissue destined for the uterus grows in other regions of the pelvis instead, which can be agonising).
Contraceptive side effects are rarely highlighted in person during GP appointments. Usually these only make an appearance in a tiny passage within a medication leaflet, alongside the assurance that the risk of them occurring is low.
FUERTESFLORENCIABYILLUSTRATION 151G rowing Pains
I asked fifteen women about their experiences using different contraception methods to highlight how varied the side effects can be, and to show that you shouldn’t rely on the experience of those around you to make your decision for you. Everyone will react to contraception differently.
It’s difficult for teenagers to accurately make distinctions between what changes are naturally occurring in their body and mind, and what changes are unpleasant side effects. At a young age, red flags can easily be confused for developing personality traits. Despite mental health becoming a less stigmatised subject, young people can still fear the social repercussions of expressing their struggles. They are more likely to be told they are “crazy”, “emotional” or “unstable” (or more seriously they are diagnosed as depressive, suicidal and anxious) before the topic of contraceptive side effects even enters the arena.
Growing up at the mercy of synthetic hormones is just one of those things, but it’s a topic which is often considered to be private and as a result people suffer in silence.
Being a woman doesn’t always feel pretty, sexy or even simply comfortable. The many things women endure to feel in control of their own bodies are complex and misunderstood.
Young people are commonly encouraged to take contraception for a multitude of reasons beyond their sexual health. They are told it will regulate their cycles, banish hormonal acne, lessen the effects of PMS or migraines, and reduce their risk of ovarian cysts or uterine cancer.
C�tRaCePtIvE PiLl + Clear skin + Light/no periods + No cramps - Mood swings - Weight gain - Daily headaches - Irritability - Tearful and argumentative - Would regularly forget to take it - Almost complete drop in sex drive - Dry eyes which was annoying for contact lenses + Simple + Convenient + No insertion process - Depression - Can easily forget to take - Increased body hair - Constant mood swings - Horrible headaches - Bloating - No protection from STDs - I became pregnant despite using the pill - Massive depression - Anger - Bleeding for six weeks + Mini pill works best for me, no periods or side effects apart from occasional spotting I have to set a phone reminder - Combined pill caused a growth on my cervix which had to be surgically removed I was on the combined pill for years before a doctor told me it was unsuitable for me because I have a maternal history of stroke and cervical cancer + Reliable + Effective + Helps with PCOS + Easy to stop and start whenever you want + No needles or invasive procedures + More control over my period cycle - Easy to forget to take - No mood swings or effects on my mental health + Low maintenance + Less cramps - Weight gain + No weight gain + Regular periods + No mood swings + Feel most myself with this + Best method for me + Helps my acne - Hard to remember to take +No periods +No weight gain +Worked amazing for me -PMS symptoms all the time -Grumpy + Non-invasive, no pain and easy to take + Good for being able to ‘control’ period timings + Helped with my skin/acne - Had to try various pills to find one that worked for me - Extremely heavy periods, I would regularly be sick and faint during my period - Repeat trips to the doctor for prescription check-ups were inconvenient - Some pills gave me massive mood swings which were hard to cope with 152
C�tRaCePtIvE ImPlAnT + 3 year functioning time was great + Loved not having to think about it daily + Minimal fuss having it inserted, as opposed to an IUD + No huge hormonal surges/mood swings + Only had a period for 2-3 months initially then no periods or PMS symptoms for the rest of the 3 years + No negatives for me, it worked really well and I will definitely get another - Bled for 12 weeks straight - Reduced ferritin levels (iron stores) - Frequent mood swings - Skin break outs and sensitivity + Lasts 3 years - Crazy periods, either nothing for 6 months or bleeding every day - I’m afraid of needles and felt really uncomfortable having it inserted and removed + Lasts 3 years + Stress free - Insertion was uncomfortable +Lasted for 3 years +Stopped period entirely for 2 years -Initially had periods for 6 months until it settled -Don’t like being able to feel it in my arm -Felt nauseous during the removal procedure + Worked amazing for a year + No periods at all - Suddenly started to bleed so much I had to have an emergency removal before I lost any more + Effective - Painful insertion - Migraines - Weight gain + Don’t need to remember to take anything - Low moods + Don’t have to remember anything + Minimal cramps + Stable moods + Generally happier and less stressed + High sex drive + Pain free insertion + Best method for me + Periods stop after 3 months - Missed periods due to pregnancy aren’t obvious, which can lead to unwanted pregnancies. I used tests regularly just in case - Weight gain - Blemished skin - More noticeable PMS 153G rowing Pains
C�tRaCePtIvE N�-h�m�aLJaGIuD+ Lasts 3 months - I began to suffer from depression and anxiety - Anger, aggression and tearfulness - Made me feel the least like myself - Side effects lasted 7 months after the jag should have worn off - If it doesn’t agree with you, you can’t have it removed like the implant or stop taking it like the pill - The worst contraception for me + No mental health side effects + I feel balanced with this + Best contraception for me - Increased appetite which can lead to unwanted weight gain - I gained 3 stones in a few months - A lot of water retention in my body - Made my skin flare up + No weight gain or skin changes + Lasts 10 years + Don’t have to remember anything + Freedom from synthetic hormones + Good for having a break but I found it hard to get used to hormonal contraception afterwards - Very painful insertion - Back pain - Severe cramps - Significantly heavier periods - Bad night sweats - Strings can be difficult to check for + Works after 1 week + Hormone free + Very effective + Can be removed - Uncomfortable insertion - Extremely painful periods - Can move out of place - Extremely painful insertion - Regular, heavy, painful periods which haven’t improved after a year - Considering removing as its disruptive to my life each month - Had for three years after giving birth but the coil moved and had to be surgically removed - The migration of the IUD was very painful, I ended up falling down a flight of stairs when it happened - The doctor wouldn’t put another in due to my scoliosis, they felt it was too risky for me 154
RhYtHm�mEtHoDIuD
+Had no cycle rhythm after years of using contraception so I tried this method to regulate my period and ended up having a baby!
-I felt frightened but a doctor told me the symptoms were unrelated despite starting the next day blood pressure, had to be monitored by doctors before my knee replacement surgery
-Takes a while to get a true reading of your cycle +I used this method to fall pregnant instead, which worked after 1 month of planning my first fertile window. I’m not 100% I could rely on it as a contraceptive method
-I had to pay around £100 for it to be privately removed, as the NHS refused to remove it for me after 1 month despite the negative side effects
+I was really anxious about the removal and expected it to be as painful as having one IUD removed and another inserted was, but when it was just a removal procedure I felt virtually no pain or discomfort which was a relief
+Had no cycle after mini-pill so used this method for 8-10 months
155G rowing Pains
-Felt shaky the next day -Heart palpitations also started the next day
-Increased
-Had to record my temperature every morning
+By far the healthiest my body has ever felt
h�m�aL
+Eased heavy bleeding caused by menopause
-I had my non-hormonal coil changed to a hormonal coil and the procedure was very uncomfortable and painful even whilst using strong painkillers -Chest pains -Frequent panic attacks and debilitating anxiety. I think this was dude to suddenly having synthetic hormones in my body again, but it could have been a coincidence
The narrative of abortion has been almost exclusively related to indecision and misery. Women are raised to feel uncomfortable and embarrassed talking about termination procedures, when in reality they are a very common shared experience. 1 in 3 women will have an abortion by the age of forty-five. These experiences are personal and not usually a topic women openly discuss. There is an associated cultural stigma and shame. The lack of conversation can lead to urban legends and horror stories believed by women and men alike. Most women don’t accurately know what happens during a termination procedure until they have one themselves.
156
One of the main myths surrounding abortion is the idea of “carelessness”. That’s often far from the truth.
157G rowing Pains
Research into young women’s experiences of unintended pregnancy and abortion by Louise Bury, Lesley Hoggart and Victoria Louise Newton in 2015 shows that 57% of women were actually using contraception when they became pregnant.
In January of 2020, the Turnaway Study showed that one week after their termination procedure, 97.5% of women felt that they had done the right thing.
Five years on the statistic of women in the study who felt “relief” and not “regret” increased to 99%. It’s time for less stigma and more understanding when it comes to the topic of abortion. The following stories hope to put some myths to rest and let any young woman who is in a similar situation know that they will be okay.
Even if a woman wants to have children, there are so many reasons why she may not be in the position to have any at the time she becomes pregnant; ranging from medical reasons and foetal abnormalities, to sexual assault, relationship problems, work/school responsibilities, money struggles, religious reasons or fear of partners and parents.
WITH MIKALA
It will feel different from the other times when you’d run to the pharmacy with your first boyfriend, panicked about the 2% chance of a condom failing.
A LETTER TO EIGHTEEN-YEAR-MYOLDSELF
158
This time you’ll feel an overwhelming intuition paired with an early morning queasiness. The test you’ll take is just a confirmation, not a ‘what if’. It’s positive, although that word carries a certain irony in this situation.”
“You will know when you are pregnant. You will sense it somehow.
159G rowing Pains
“You’ll panic, feeling like the situation isn’t real as you make your way to the clinic with a boy you no longer know. It’s past walk-in hours but just call the clinic, explain that this is an emergency and they’ll tell you to come straight in. Even though you don’t realise it yet, this process is going to be straightforward. Don’t put a fake name on the form, there’s no point. The form will have an option for whether or not the clinic can send any follow up letters to your home address, so you won’t need to have a conversation about this with your parents if you don’t want to. If you start to feel embarrassed or reduced to a statistic when the nurse asks you seemingly obvious and unnecessary questions, try not to take them personally or feel that you’re being judged. Keep in mind those questions aren’t there to hurt you, they’re there to help protect womxn who may need more support than they’re getting at home. The first appointment will be over relatively quickly and you’ll be scheduled for an ultrasound in a week, which might feel long at first but it’ll pass faster than you think. Go home and do some research on the best procedure for you. There are two main types of abortion procedures - medical and surgical. You decide to go for the surgical procedure because you’ll be under general anaesthetic for it, which means you won’t be Theawake.doctor will tell you that they would like to place a long-term method of contraception (an IUD) into your uterus after they perform the surgery, which is common with surgical Byabortions.nowyou might feel as though you’re in a haze when you agree to the IUD, almost like a child being told off. On the plus side, you won’t have to worry about being in this position again any time soon since the IUD is 98% effective in protecting against Yourpregnancies.boyfriend at the time will tell you to look away from the ultrasound screen so you’ll never know what it looked like and you’ll always wonder if that was fair. It definitely seems unfair that nothing will happen to his Youbody.have to wait another week before the termination. Since you’re two months along, you’ll experience pretty intense morning sickness which your anxiety will drag out for the entire day. Getting out of bed will feel difficult for the week. Your boyfriend will want you to keep all of this a secret, refusing to even acknowledge that you’re having an abortion or that you might have feelings you want to talk through. Instead he’ll pretend it isn’t happening which will make you feel totally alone. When the day comes, you’ll sit in the hospital waiting room for five minutes before you’re ushered through to a patient room. You will get changed into a gown and wait on the bed. Unfortunately your boyfriend won’t be allowed to wait with you. Next, you’ll be wheeled into surgery and told to count back from ten as you’re put under anaesthetic. You will be okay. Afterwards you’ll open your eyes and come to. The first thing you’ll notice is that your relentless nausea has disappeared. You’ll feel groggy from the anaesthetic and some pain in your uterus but overall, you’ll feel relieved. The procedure is finished, it’s all over and you got through it. You’ll feel eighteen again. Know that your experience is just one of many and feel lucky that yours was peaceful. If I could offer you some more advice - dump that boy and move on! Oh, and stop drawing your eyebrows on like that because it looks genuinely horrifying.”
FUERTESFLORENCIABYILLUSTRATION 160
161G rowing Pains
"About two weeks after falling pregnant I had a feeling which I can’t describe. After a week or two, I felt like everything in my life was screaming at me 'you’re pregnant!'; television shows where a woman has a child, a film I’ve seen a million times, a song with the word baby in it. I felt like the universe was telling me that I was pregnant. On a Monday morning when my boyfriend went to work, I told my mum that I thought I was pregnant. We rushed to the shop for a test and within three seconds of taking it, the two tell-tale lines were beaming."
How did you find out you were pregnant?
He then quadruple-checked that I was sure about my decision, before talking me through what would happen during a medical abortion and giving me two tablets to Thetake.tablets cause the uterus to break down its lining and expel the embryo. I had to stay at the GP’s office for twenty minutes to make sure I wasn’t sick and then I could go home. The entire appointment lasted for about an hour and a half."
How soon after was the procedure?
"I took the test early in the morning so after I tested positive, we had to wait a few hours before I could contact my doctor I was freaking out and my mum was trying to comfort me. Later I made an appointment with my GP for the same day then he referred me for another appointment with an antenatal clinic in the local hospital within a few days."
What happened at the appointment?
"After I’d taken the tablets, I had to come within two to three days for the termination.
Abortions
What did you do once you found out?
What Happens, Where and When WITH ALEX
"For me the first antenatal appointment was horrible so I was glad that I took my mum for moral support. It started off with a nurse checking my blood pressure and trying to put me at ease. I was eager to communicate to her that this was an accident and I was absolutely certain about my decision to terminate the pregnancy.
When the doctor came in, he went through a questionnaire and wanted to talk me through a lot of other options other than aborting. He wasn’t necessarily trying to change my mind but I felt frustrated repeating Afterwardsmyself.heconfirmed the pregnancy with a vaginal ultrasound. I expected it to be an abdominal ultrasound but since I was only five weeks along it was too difficult to see the foetus that way.
162
At first, I was eager to get the procedure over and done with as quickly as possible. I kept worrying about being sick because I knew that I’d have to go back and take more tablets, and I really didn’t want this process to be dragged out any Thenlonger.I was worried. I was worried that I would feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders or that I might not cry or wouldn’t feel bad, and that would mean I don’t have the maternal gene in me. I was worried it would hurt. I was worried that the nurses might judge me." What happened on the day of the "termination? Let me just start by saying I’d heard some scary things from other people about their experiences and mine was not like that. I was as comfortable as can be considering the circumstances. I was advised to bring slippers and a dressing gown along with me to the hospital. The antenatal department provided me with a robe and a nappy, which initially seemed Again,extreme.Iwas really early along so I was in and out within four fours. I was given four tablets, two vaginally and two anally, which was pretty strange and not what I was expecting. I was given a room with six beds and one toilet between me and one other girl. After about twenty minutes I started to feel very unwell with intense abdominal cramping, bleeding and diarrhoea. The girl in my room was being sick in the toilet for most of the time that I was there so I kept going to use a toilet on a different ward. It was inconvenient but I understood she was probably feeling as unwell as I did. I think the tablet affected us both in different ways. I was told that every time I went to the bathroom, I would have to take a basket and place it into the toilet bowl. Afterwards a nurse would check the basket to know when my uterus had completely expelled the lining and embryo. I could go home after that happened.Tobehonest, the pain felt unbearable at the time. My mum, dad and boyfriend all came to see me throughout the visiting hours and I felt really fortunate that I had people who were there to hold my hand and wipe my tears. My dad tried to his best to take my mind off the situation, which I appreciated deeply because I know some fathers might not try to be there for their daughters in that Afterscenario.aboutthree hours of going between my bed and the bathroom, I could tell that I had passed the embryo. I asked the nurse to be sure and she gave me a nod and told me she would be back to check on me soon. I didn’t feel sad. It was obviously an experience I didn’t want to go through but I wasn’t ready to have a child. People can shame you and judge you all they want for having an abortion but it was my choice to make. My other option at the time would have been to endure a pregnancy that I did not want.
What happened afterwards?
What happened afterwards? I was given some nappies and told to monitor the bleeding for any blood clots bigger than a 50p coin. I was told if that happened then I should contact the hospital immediately. I also wasn’t allowed to leave until I had decided on a contraception to start taking. I chose the pill and I’ve taken it ever since. I had pretty severecramps and blood clots for another few days. The medical abortion is basically likea forced period so your uterus will bleed for around a week and after that you should return to your natural cycle. You can have sex again whenever you areready to. Do you have any advice for someone in a similar situation? My advice,as clichéas it sounds; do what you feel is right. I told my family and my boyfriend but nobody forced me to do anything. I knew as soon as I took the pregnancy test that I didn’t want to havea baby at that time,or any time soon. Don’t feel likejust becauseyou arein a position where you could havea baby and “makeit work” (living situation, relationship, income), that you should if it’s not what you truly Lookingwant.back,I wish I had been even more careful with contraception but thereis nobody who can make mefeel guilty and that’s how I know I made the right choice. Any advice for how to support someone through that moment in their life? People treat you like you’regoing to bedown for a long time or hate yourself. They tiptoe around the subject,scared to upset you. When you aren’t upset,they look at you as though you’relying or something is wrong with you for not feeling the way they expect you to.
The reality is that it’s not like the movies. An abortion doesn’t equate to regret and loathing so don’t make somebody feel like those emotions are the only acceptable or appropriate ones. I’m comfortable in knowing that I am a loving, caring, emotional woman and I know I’m not a monster. I don’t feel good about the termination but I feel better now than if I’d went through with a pregnancy I wasn’t ready for." G rowing Pains not want.
"My advice, as cliché as it sounds; do what you feel is right. I told my family and my boyfriend but nobody forced me to do anything. I knew as soon as I took the pregnancy test that I didn’t want to have a baby at that time, or any time soon.
Don’t feel like just because you are in a position where you could have a baby and 'make it work' (living situation, relationship, income) that you should if it’s not what you truly want.
People treat you like you’re going to be down for a long time or hate yourself. They tiptoe around the subject, scared to upset you. When you aren’t upset, they look at you as though you’re lying or something is wrong with you for not feeling the way they expect you to.
I don’t feel guilty for acknowledging that I didn’t want to have a child at that point in my life, or that I likely would have resented my life if I had kept it. I am okay with admitting that I am currently too selfish, and not steady enough in myself as a person to raise another one yet. I feel bad that I don’t feel bad about it. I know some people would hate that, and their opinion about what I should have done would be so strong and so open, yet somehow my opinion is taboo and invalid to them. It’s all opinions unti l it’s happening to you.”
"I was given some nappies and told to monitor the bleeding for any blood clots bigger than a 50p coin. I was told if that happened then I should contact the hospital immediately. I also wasn’t allowed to leave until I had decided on a contraception to start taking. I chose the pill and I’ve taken it ever since. I had pretty severe cramps and blood clots for another few days. The medical abortion is basically like a forced period so your uterus will bleed for around a week and after that you should return to your natural cycle. You can have sex again whenever you are ready to." Do you have any advice for someone in a similar situation?
The reality is that it’s not like the movies. An abortion doesn’t equateto regret and loathing so don’t makesomebody feellike thoseemotions aretheonly acceptable or appropriate ones.. I’m comfortablein knowing that I am a loving,caring, emotional woman and I know I’m not a monster. I don’t feel good about the termination but I feel better now than if I’d went through with a pregnancy I wasn’t ready for.
Looking back, I wish I had been even more careful with contraception but there is nobody who can make me feel guilty and that’s how I know I made the right choice." Any advice for how to support someone through that moment in their "life?
163
I don’t feel guilty for acknowledging that I didn’t want to havea child at that point in my life,or that I likely would haveresented my lifeif I had kept it. I am okay with admitting that I am currently too selfish, and not steady enough in myself as a person to raise another one yet. I feel bad that I don’t feel bad about it. I know some people would hatethat,and their opinion about what I should have done would beso strong and so open,yet somehow my opinion is taboo and invalid to them.
“It’s all opinions until it’s happening to you.”
164 SMITHSOPHYBYILLUSTRATIONS
Being pregnant and giving birth are experiences which vary from person to person, with so much pressure put on people to enjoy their pregnancy, maintain a healthy diet, exercise, pick a name, decorate a nursery - the list goes on. It can be both overwhelming and isolating at a time when a person is already just trying to do their best. Here, four women talk about how they found out they were pregnant, what the experience has been like for them, and what they wished they knew in the beginning
. • • • • • Pregnancy 165G rowing Pains
• • • •
166
• Joan "We were trying for about three years."
• Michelle "I've found pregnancy to be pretty difficult. The changes to my body seem to be constant and just when I get used to one thing something else changes. I've been surprised at just how hard it's been. I think going through it during the pandemic and being way more isolated than normal has made it much harder, there are so many things I dreamed of doing when I finally got pregnant that I just can't do at the moment (and with only ten weeks left I probably won't get to do).
• Stacey "We weren't trying but we both knew I wasn't on any contraception and if it happened, it happened. We didn't want to put pressure on ourselves."
• Joan "I was really sick at work for a week and the next week my manager said to me 'do you think this sickness has got legs?', so I went home and my sister brought me a pregnancy test from the shop. It was positive but we didn't believe it so we went to the GP for a urine test to be sure and even after that my husband wanted me to call the GP and ask them to check again."
• Caitlin "My first baby -we weren't actively 'trying' but I had been off contraception for around six months. The second pregnancy, we tried for around three or four months but unfortunately had a miscarriage and then we fell pregnant for a third time exactly six weeks later."
• Stacey "The first trimester was horrible, I couldn't eat or drink without being sick or feeling nauseous. I also went off most foods but apart from that I've really enjoyed being pregnant as there isn't much else to look forward to right now."
• Caitlin "With my first I had no idea until around six or seven weeks when I went to eat my smoked salmon salad that I would normally have every day at work and gagged at the first mouthful. For whatever reason I instantly knew I was pregnant but I was too scared to take a test and make it 'real'. Two days later we went on holiday to Turkey and the first day I blurted out that I thought I was pregnant and eight tests from the pharmacy across the road later, we confirmed that I was!"
• Michelle "We were trying to get pregnant for about three years so it has already been quite a long road to get to this point. There's been times on and off since then that we've taken a break from trying because it was really affecting my mental health. W e had 'unexplained infertility' according to the G P and I probably could have fought harder to be referred to a fertility clinic but I didn't have the energy at that point. We really didn't think this was going to happen for us and were starting to get serious about adoption or fostering in the months before we found out."
• Stacey "I had been out with friends two days prior drinking and I was wondering why my hangover was so bad, I couldn't keep water down and I felt really sick. Then it clicked and I took a test and within ten minutes and it was positive. I then had to go to work and keep it together for a whole shift in complete shock."
• Michelle "I had been tracking my periods but they were really irregular. On the day I was due I decided to just do a test but the timing was terrible, I was babysitting and my husband wasn't home. I had a really faint positive, and I kind of knew then that I was pregnant. When he got home and I showed him, he didn't really believe me so I retested with a digital test in the morning and there was no mistaking it was a positive."
• Caitlin "I'm fortunate to have had two (touch wood!) relatively enjoyable pregnancies. I've had mild sickness, tiredness and sciatic pain but I think because you expect all those things it's easy to overlook them. I was always a bit squeamish about feeling other people's baby's moving and kicking during pregnancy and didn't think I'd enjoy that aspect, but it surprised me how reassuring and positive it becomes."
own mum once said that considering how long we were trying for, she thought I'd be much happier to be pregnant. Pregnancy is a huge mental and physical toll for me, but that doesn't make me want or love my baby any less."
What's really surprised me was some of the things people do and say that they think are helpful but are absolutely not, there is a dark side to some women that you don't notice until you're pregnant where every time you mention a symptom or being tired you're met with 'oh just you wait!' as if having the baby is something to dread.Evenmy
• Michelle "Since this is our first experience of it, I think the best bit for me is watching my husband Chris get ready for her arrival. He's always been really supportive and a great husband but over the last seven months he's had to take on a lot more and is taking everything in his stride.
• Joan "It was horrific, I was sick for sixteen weeks solid. I couldn't leave the house, I couldn't drink water and my work more or less said they would need to give my job to someone else. After sixteeen weeks it stopped and I was fine, it was easy from then on. I was surprised about the heartburn and the cravings I had. I wanted citrus fruits and I used t o buy about six packets of those loveheart sweets from the shop and eat them by the time I got back home. I used to hide them because my husband told me off and said they had too many E numbers.
• Stacey "The best part is feeling your baby move, it still takes me by surprise how strong it feels and it's only the size of an aubergine."
167G rowing Pains
My older sister had a baby so I knew what to expect during the pregnancy but I was surprised after the baby came. He didn't stop crying when we got home and he ended up having colic. I thought babies just slept and ate but I had a child that had colic and never slept. Colic is when a baby has gas trapped in their abdomen and they can't release it so it's very painful for them, they scream and cry. It's hard to see them be in pain like that. It lasted four months and then he just never slept after that. I was lucky to have a lot of family help and I still found it hard so it made me think of people who never had any help and wonder how they managed it."
168
169G rowing Pains
I also didn't realise how much I would worry throughout the pregnancy Because it didn't come easily to us I thought that once I got pregnant the worry and stress would lessen but it hasn't, it's just changed into new worries. I thought at 12 weeks I'd stop worrying, then at 20, then 24 when she was 'viable', and I'm 31 weeks now and still worried about her."
-
• Joan "I never thought I would have two emergency C-sections due to a tilted pelvis. I wasn't told about that until after my second child either so I went through two attempts at natural labour which I shouldn't have been put through. The second labour was 32 hours before the doctors realised I would need a C-section and I wasn't given the option for an epidural either. I did it on paracetamol.Nobodytold me that even though I stopped breast feeding, my body would still make milk so I was in agony. I phoned m y mum and she came down to wrap my chest in a big bandage because the looser the clothes are that you're wearing, the more your breasts will fill with milk. She gave me water with epsom salt to drink to dry up my milk, and I had to avoid going in the bath or the milk would leak out and start building back up again."
170
My dad spent about 3 weeks painting during the winter to save us a bit of money and that was a really big help. And my mother-in-law helped us pay for new carpets for the whole house so it felt fresh for the wee one arriving.Mymum has really pushed me out of my anxiety at times which has been so helpful, I didn't want to buy anything for the baby for ages because I was scared we'd lose her and then have this phantom nursery at home but my mum has been good at being practical and just making things happen when I've pushed back."
• Stacey "I have been overwhelmed with how generous everyone has been. Friends and family want to buy so many things for the baby We've hardly had to get anything and people are still asking what we need. My partner, who goes out his way for me daily to make sure I'm ok, will go pick up whatever I'm craving and just be there for me."
• Caitlin "Almost everything! The side effects and changes in your body from pregnancy and then post-partum are just never ending. I didn't realise morning sickness is a misleading term and it can last all day or just the morning or evening. I didn't realise you can become prone to recurrent UTl/kidney infections and that the sleepless nights start well before the baby is born, whether it's from physical discomfort, needing to pee every hour or anxiety about what's to come. There's a lot that's not advertised in movies etc."
• Stacey "I didn't know you couldn't sleep on your back after twenty weeks, and how many problems it can cause your baby."
• Michelle "My family have been so helpful and basically the only people I've spent time with during the pregnancy so I'm really grateful that they are so good. We had a lot of work to do in our house when we bought it that we'd just ignored for two years but when I got pregnant it became our top priority to sort this place out.
• Michelle "Probably loads of things but it's now all I think about so it's hard to remember. I think we become over-informed about pregnancy now, I've got all sorts of apps to tell me how she's progressing and how many days left , what size she is, and I think that's probably a bit much.Idon't think I fully appreciated how much you physically change. I knew I'd get a bump obviously but the difficulty getting up or sitting down or walking, how painful it all can be came as a shock and started much earlier than I thought, probably from about 20 weeks.
171G rowing Pains
172 LOCKERBIECALUMBYILLUSTRATION
FATHER HOOD FATHER HOOD BY TODD SHARKEY A cacophony of sound surrounds me like a tornado as I write, making me lose my train of thought and re-read the few sentences that I have written numerous times until the words don’t make sense anymore. 173G rowing Pains
FATHER FATHERHOOD HOOD 174
I don’t know if you know this, but children are really bloody annoy the new- born baby stage by the wa talk ing fr om three m months the kid realised he could roll from his bac k to his front and any time you went to c hange his nappy or c s pin r ound lik e a Bey He would alway s nappy undone and witness lay within it befor s ending all manner Then he would laugh and vomit the entirety of his last bottle on his clean c I would be s itting ther and v om it and I wouldn’t be thinking about how lucky I was whether ever y one’s baby was like mine or did I get s addled with a tr Then he would s s m ile, and I would k nowing full well that he had ound his little finger for life.
HOOD HOOD 175G rowing Pains
176
Six people tell me 10 things they wish they had known before they turned the age they are now. 10 Things I Wish Knew before I turned... I DJAFEROZLEMBYILLUSTRATION 177G rowing Pains
"Don’t worry that you don’t enjoy sex at first... It’s them, not you. Trust me. "
"Quality instead of quantity is very important when it comes to friends."
"It’s okay to not be okay, comments like ‘you shouldn’t be feeling that way’ or ‘you’ve got no reason to feel that way’ are completely irrelevant to anybody." I Wish I Knew
10 Things
"High school feels like it will last forever but it’s such a small part of your life."
"If you want true independence and freedom, move out as soon as possible."
"If you don’t like something, don’t be scared to do something about it."
"Stop worrying about the future so much and enjoy the present more."
54321 106789
178
"I wish I had known that it’s okay to drop toxic people out of your life."
"Stop sleeping so much, it’s not healthy." "Life can suck and you can’t control it but you can control how you react to it."
