Growing Pains

I wanted to make a magazine about the situations people are likely to find themselves or their loved ones in as they grow up. What you are holding in your hands is an attempted manual on how to better navigate those moments and familiarise ourselves with some of the parts we don’t often talk about.

It was stitched together from stories of people I grew up with, recently came to know or have loved all my life, in the hopes that someone might see themselves in one of their stories and feel a little less lonely.

I wanted this to be advert free. Nobody in here is going to tell you how to do your make-up or what to wear. I also want to thank everybody who shared a piece of themselves to put in these pages.

Special thanks to Nisrina Khansa and Hannah Earnshaw for their creativity and help in creating Growing Pains, and for enduring my late night emails.

If I could give you one piece of advice myself about growing up, I would say don’t be so scared to say the wrong thing that you end up saying nothing. Also, box dyes build character.

Don’t let any hairdresser out there tell you otherwise.

Love, Emma 2

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ILLUSTRATION BY SONA HARRISON

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Moving Away for

Susan 27, Fashion designer

university “I remember I was preparing to leave my friends flat in Glasgow to get an overnight megabus to London (it was as bad as it sounds) as we both had interviews for Kingston College in London.

I’d had an interview in Manchester the week before. Just as we were about to walk out the door, I got a notification on my phone that I had been accepted into Manchester School of Art. I was buzzed.

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It was super weird timing and it was probably - or definitely - just a coincidence but it felt like a sign.

I was already swaying towards Manchester over my other options but this kind of concreted the decision. I still went to London and had my interview at Kingston. We had a blast in London and I enjoyed being there but for a number of reasons I just could not see myself living there. The number one reason being how ridiculously expensive it is.”

ILLUSTRATION BY MABEL DUCKER

How did you find out you were moving?

“I just had a feeling about Manchester. I had imagined I would have been physically unable to make a decision (indecisive Libra) but it was surprisingly easy.

I had a friend who was already doing the course at the School of Art so she was able to give me the lowdown on her insight into the quality of the course which was ideal. I stayed with her while I was down for my interview and managed to get out and do some exploring afterwards.

I went with my gut feeling and accepted my place at the School of Art. Two of my closest friends from college had chosen Manchester too, so we ended up living together and they are still two of my favourite people to this day.”

Pros and Cons?

“Manchester nightlife in the 80s and 90s became a huge, if not the main influence in my work, so being able to explore my influence first hand with ease and attend exhibitions and talks was invaluable.

Meeting new people and life-long friends. Being able to buy alcohol after 10pm was a treat. The independence and freedom. The opportunities, achievements and memories. Being able to commute to London in 2 hours and Glasgow in 3 hours. Having another place in the world that will always feel like home.

Although, commuting back and forth could be mundane at times, especially when there were cancellations or delays. I hated packing and I had to do a lot of it, often. The amount of junk we accumulated, both as a house and personally.

FOMO on things back at home.

I missed the beautiful Scottish scenery and the outdoors. The student debt, but you pay it back in such small increments so it’s no biggie. Also, the amount of experimentation needed (two years worth) to finally land on a solid hangover Chinese takeaway.”

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Moving away definitely made me appreciate folk more and I would say it strengthened all of my relationships. It was nice to leave home and get some independence but I was still in regular contact with my mum and we would text all the time.

She would always send me these hilarious care packages that would be the most random assortment of objects and would often include socks and tights, chocolate and those random pens that are shaped like an ice cream cone or have a fluffy ball on top. Gifts are definitely her love language and they were always greatly appreciated.

ILLUSTRATION BY MAR BELLVEHÍ

My home in Manchester was essentially free accommodation for my friends from home. I obviously saw them a lot less but we made the most of it when they would come visit. They would come down for festivals or gigs or drag shows so it was always a fun time.

There were some friends I would be in contact with more than others but it just depended on our existing dynamic as friends. There were probably some people I ended up not being as close with after returning back to Glasgow but that just happens in life and I wouldn’t say it was directly affected by me moving away from home.

Or your relationship?

We’re still together now! Obviously it was tough at times. It was sometimes strange to merge back into having a person there after being used to being on my own for a long period of time, but it was a temporary situation and it worked out for us.

For the most part we would see each other monthly. I was in Glasgow for most of the summer every year, and then had I three weeks holiday at Christmas and Easter. During term time we would see each other monthly. We’d make our plans in advance so we knew the date we would be reunited and could both look forward to it. We would get so buzzed to see each other and would go to gigs or exhibitions, scope out new pubs or places to eat and just squeeze in as much as we could into the time we would have together.

In my final year, we saw each other less during term time as I was just too busy and had to focus all my time on my graduate collection. I’m sure there was a time when we didn’t see each other for three months, but my boyfriend was super supportive and completely understood that is what I was there to do so it all worked out in the end.

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If you could go back and change something…

“I would have started house-hunting earlier for sure. There is a huge student population in Manchester and most students get flats or houses in the Fallowfield area.

We went down in June, which turned out to be the weekend of Parklife. It was hella rainy and it turns out I had typed in my contact number wrong when arranging the viewings. Most of the estate agents I had booked with couldn’t get a hold of me to confirm the bookings so the majority of them didn’t go ahead.

We managed to sort out the viewings we had scheduled for later on in the day thankfully and got to view a few houses. Three to be exact. The first flat was recovering from a Parklife party the night before and was an absolute riot. The other one had chicken bones leading up the stairs like a trail of breadcrumbs.

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And the last one was a really old but beautiful Victorian house. It was the best of a bad bunch so we went for it.

After moving in, we realised the boiler was so old and impossible to work. The windows were single glazing, pretty much like tracing paper, so we spent a lot of the winter months in three layers of pyjamas at all times. I wish I had been more clued up on what questions to ask during house viewings and been a bit more ballsy with the landlord and estate agents.

Despite the boiler-related issues, we still have loads of really fun memories from that house and it was a learning experience for sure.

We scheduled viewings in plenty of time for our next year and made sure to ask lots of questions. We found a cute, warm and double glazed house and wound up staying there right through to the end.”

Advice or tips?

“I had a rough old anxious time in the beginning in Manchester, sparked by a pesky care package sneaked into my luggage by my mum. It was, literally, the sweetest handwritten note from her and she had included loads of pictures of me and my dad, who died when I was younger. For some reason, I was all of a sudden filled with panic and impending doom and my thoughts were racing. I had experienced anxiety before but not as intense.

Looking back, it was a combination of the change, anxiety, some unresolved dead dad trauma and probably some other undiagnosed mental health issue but it was so god damn intense.

I powered through as best I could but I could not concentrate on anything apart from my rapid heartbeat and existential dread. I spoke about how I was feeling to basically everyone and I just could not budge this intensely bad feeling.

I ended up visiting my doctor a week later and he prescribed me a shortterm course of beta blockers to tackle the physical symptoms I was experiencing, which allowed me to navigate my way through it mentally.

I began acknowledging the presence of the anxiety without trying to control or fight it, and quickly my sense of strength and excitement had been restored.

I emerged with a metaphorical toolbox that would assist me in manoeuvring my way through future struggles.

So, I guess my advice is that you learn so much about yourself being away from home, especially in the hard times. There will be bumps in the road along the way but navigating your way through the struggles independently is invaluable life experience. When you are going through a rough time, remember that your feelings are not permanent, it’ll pass and you will emerge with a better understanding of yourself.

Some other tips: Spend some time after your interview exploring the city so you can get a feel for the place.

Take a couple of things to decorate your bedroom but not too much remember you will have to pack it all up in three years. Drink more water.

Have some plans in place for your friends or partner to come visit - it’s good to have things to look forward to - but make sure to make an effort with new friends too. If you are doing a creative course, experiment as much as you can and explore your craziest ideas. Do not worry about student debt. Embrace everything and make the most of the experience because it’ll be over before you know it.”

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for

Moving Away

ollie 28, Corporal

How did you find out you were moving? ”I found out I was moving to Germany for three years after I volunteered for an assignment in a year before. I was feeling excited about it!

Germany and Europe – with road access across the entire of Europe, it wasn’t uncommon for me and some colleagues to drive to a different country/city once a month.

It was a once in a career opportunity to live in Germany at a time when U.K. Defence was looking at reducing its commitments abroad.”

However, it was also a former German army barracks from the second world war that had not been upgraded since the eighties.

Pros and cons?

In order to improve the quality of living, I spent a significant amount of time and money on improving my personal space to a standard which balanced out. .its short comings.

“It was a bit of a double edged sword. The accommodation I was living in was cheap, in a great location and had good transport links to the rest of 14

ILLUSTRATION BY MABEL DUCKER

work

“

Plus, in the event that something happened back home which required me to return on short notice, it could be a very expensive and long journey.”

Did anything change with your family and friends?

“I didn’t find it affected my relationship with my family at all.

Prior to my move to Germany I had been living in Newcastle for a six month period so when the time came to move abroad it was effectively the same.

I didn’t feel like it affected my relationship with my friends at home either, everyone has their own stuff to do during the week so it was only really noticeable at the weekends if I was still in Germany or elsewhere.“

Or your relationship?

“I actively chose not to date during my time in Germany, a lot of my friends and co-workers had either German or British partners and found their relationships under significant strain during those times of separation.“

If you could go back and change something…

“I would have liked to have practiced my German more whilst living in the country. Unfortunately, the German education system teaches English to such a high standard that most Germans are able to converse comfortably in English, which removes the onus to learn more German.”

Any worries that weren’t worth worrying about?

“My biggest concern was probably meeting my new co-workers. I was one of two new guys being sent out at the time and I’d heard a number of wild stories about the guys already living out there.

Within a couple of days, we had been fully integrated within the team and all those concerns disappeared.”

Advice or tips?

“Definitely get out to the country as soon as possible, try and learn a bit of the local language and be open to trying new foods, they may initially seem a bit strange but they are most likely delicious!”

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to

Moving Away

study abroad Jess

25, Account manager

“Oddly I can’t actually remember how I found out I was moving abroad, which is mad considering it was such a big thing in my life at the time.

I think I was in complete shock that the application I made on a whim was really going to take me to another country for a year. I’d only thought about it for two minutes.

I felt very nervous. In fact, I felt so nervous that I didn’t do a thing about it until the week before I left. I tried not to think about it until I absolutely had to.

Erasmus is the programme that facilitated our year abroad so I found my accommodation on their website. It was a lovely flat in the city centre with seven other people.

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It had a cute little balcony that I would lie down on like a salmon to catch the sun (it really was that small).”

Pros and cons “The main pros were the all the croquetas, sangria and sun. The clubs closed at 7am and the university started in the afternoon, with the last class finishing at 9pm.

This fit in so much better with my lifestyle at the time. It was amazing to be constantly meeting new people and making new friends. I met a friend who went to my university back home and we moved in together for years when we returned home from our year abroad.

On the other hand, they didn’t have baked beans and sausages in Madrid which I found myself missing a lot, despite barely eating them before I moved there.

ILLUSTRATION BY MABEL DUCKER

How did you find out you were moving?

My mum and dad felt a great distance away too, especially during stressful and tear-filled exam seasons.”

Did anything change with your family and friends?

“I don’t think much changed with my family to be honest. I had already lived away from home for a while so we were all used to it. It was just a bit more difficult when I wanted a cuddle, knowing there was five hours of train rides, flights and taxis between us.

Moving away didn’t affect my relationships at home too much as I’d already moved away to a different city for a few years, and that probably had more of an effect on my relationships with friends from home than moving to a new country.

I’m a firm believer that those in your life are there for a reason and people will come back if it’s meant to be, so I would urge anyone to go for it in the knowledge that the people who love you will support you.”

so we got to travel more and explore one another’s new cities whilst having some comfort and familiarity from each other, which was great.”

If you could go back and change something…

“I wish I had travelled more when I was there and had seen more of Spain and the surrounding countries. I was just young and smitten with the sun, all of the food and how obscenely easy it was for me to relax there.”

Any worries that weren’t worth worrying about?

“I was worried that I wouldn’t develop a close knit group of friends and that I’d be lonely and missing my friends from home, but as it happens in life you settle and meet new people that feel a little like home.“

Advice or tips?

“I would say enjoy it! Enjoy every element of it, even the scary bits because it could end up being one of the best things you’ll ever do. It certainly was for me.

Or your relationship?

“Considering we ended things soon after I got back, I would say moving apart wasn’t great for our relationship.

I got so caught up in meeting new people that it took the shine away from the brilliant person I already had, although maybe I’m only saying that five or so years later in memory of all the good bits.

He had moved to Amsterdam to study at the same time I had moved to Madrid,

Do some research on cool places to go so that you have some things to do when you’re feeling at a loose end, and don’t take too much rubbish in your suitcase.

You will definitely come home with double the amount and you are probably going to be skint from doing lots of cool things in summer when university finishes, so paying for additional luggage on the plane home is not an option you want to consider.”

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28, Outdoor activity instructor

How did you find out you were moving?

“The first time I moved away from home, I moved to an island to work a summer season.

I wasn’t doing anything that was going to make me happy or make my life better when this opportunity came up. I’d always been enticed by the idea of just disappearing anyway, so I jumped at it and I felt incredibly excited by the chance to do that.

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There was a little bit of trepidation in terms of what it would be like and there were a couple of drawbacks like my family, my girlfriend at the time and that voice in my head saying, ‘this is a bit scary going somewhere new’.

Even with those concerns I was feeling really happy to be able to start again at day one, with brand new people around me.”

ILLUSTRATION BY MABEL DUCKER

Moving Away Connor to travel

Pros and cons?

“I had my own place with my own rules.

I could have people round, I could party, I could smoke inside.

I had to start doing more things for myself, which at the time seemed like a con - learning how to cook and pay rent etc. but these things turned out to be massive pros.

Cons are obviously that you’re missing your friends and you don’t know everyone. That’s also a pro though being surrounded by new people, that’s the biggest pro. You can be a new version of yourself, not a false version of yourself but a version you’ve turned into over time.

When you are stuck in your hometown with the same people, they all have an idea of who you are and what you’re like.

Their idea might not completely resonate with who you feel that you are and it’s hard to change that if you never leave that environment.

You’re almost restricted by your friend group and your family to be a certain way, which they believe you are because that’s what they’ve projected on to you.

Another pro is that you’ll learn a lot about yourself. You’ll find out that you don’t know yourself as well as you first thought.

You’ll find out that you’re capable of dealing with lots of stuff without having to look for help or rely on other people. It’s a confidence builder for sure.”

Did anything change with your family and friends?

“Communication wise I’m really bad at keeping in touch so I would speak with my family a lot less. However, the relationship I now have with them is much stronger because you just grow more into adulthood when you start living alone and making your own decisions. It made me appreciate them more and I’d take them for granted less.

In a similar way you’re speaking to your friends less - you’re calling them less and they’re calling you less. Although some relationships with friends strengthen as well. When you’re back home visiting, you notice the people who make time for you. Sometimes people come to visit you when you’re away and that’s amazing.

I found out a lot about my friends by seeing who was genuinely happy for me that I had reached a place in my life where I was starting to grow and develop a little bit.

There would be a couple of people saying, ‘oh, he’s different’ whereas there might be other people saying, ‘it seems as if you’re enjoying yourself and it’s good to see’. You sort of find out who your friends are and who cares about you, and you find out who you care about.”

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Or your relationship?

You’ll be worried about stuff which will turn

“I put distance in it but in the end, we

out to be fine and you won’t be worried

broke up because of the communication

about stuff that will go absolutely sideways.

aspect. Speaking every night gave me the

Every time that you get to a new place, the

feeling that I was sort of being pulled back

scenery might be different, the language

from this new experience I was having by

might be different but you’ll quickly realise

my girlfriend wanting to be on the phone

how similar the people there are to the

when there was realistically nothing to talk

people you’ve grown up with.

about. Or I saw it that way at the time.

You’ll always make amazing friends but Another factor was that after I moved

sometimes you’ll go somewhere and you’ll

away from home, it was becoming clear to

make fewer amazing friends, it doesn’t

me I would be doing more of this. I wanted

matter. It is pretty much always going to

to see different places and do different

work out fine when you get there because

things, and the girl I was with at the time

life is just life everywhere and everybody

wasn’t like that. A relationship was too

is doing it more or less the same.”

much of a tie at a time where I wanted to cut myself loose from everything.”

Advice or tips?

Any worries that weren’t worth worrying about?

have started travelling and building on

job was going to like me and think I was a good worker, I worried about whether I would find a good group of friends there – people who had similar interests to me, and if I was going to make enough money.

you do that, the quicker you build up selfsufficiency and confidence to go out into the world.

Don’t take so much stuff. You don’t actually need so many things. That goes

Basically everything.

as a travel tip if you’re going on holiday

I have this every single time that I’ve

don’t need absolutely everything. You’ll

moved anywhere new even though I move around a lot.

I always have the same

feelings of trepidation and at the end of the day everything’s okay. It’s not as daunting as people might think.

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my independence because the sooner

too but when you’re moving away, you get other things in the place you’re moving to as well. As a general life tip, own less things. And take the plunge for the first time. Pick a place, move to it. Make it work for yourself and relax.”

ILLUSTRATION BY FLORENCIA FUERTES

“I worried about whether my boss at my

“I would have left home sooner. I would

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Moving Away

27, Homelessness Change Lead

Michelle

to study

28, Homeless change lead

“I always knew I’d have to live in France to complete my degree, but I didn’t know where or how long for until a few months before I moved.

I was asked to choose four towns I would be happy to live in and my university would send me to one of them. I ended up being sent somewhere that wasn’t in any of my four choices so it was pretty randomly assigned.

The university in France sorted my accommodation and I would say I was given some of the best accommodation out of all of the international students.

The French university seemed to perceive students from the UK as having the most disposable income, which was weird. I was told beforehand that it was a shared flat so I was excited to have flatmates.

Instead when I arrived, I opened the door to a 10m2 studio flat and burst into tears.”

Pros and cons Overall, I felt super anxious. I had a lot of different worries - missing my family, friends forgetting I existed, being a total failure etc. but I was also quite excited about my first taste of independence.

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“Getting a taste of being an adult and having to manage my own life was the biggest benefit for me. Living with lots of other young people in one building made me more sociable too.

ILLUSTRATION BY MABEL DUCKER

How did you find out you were moving away?

Although having nobody but myself to keep me accountable meant I completed no coursework, drank too much and ultimately failed my year abroad.”

Did anything change with your family and friends?

“With my family, it got better! We didn’t like to Skype so we messaged loads and had weekly phone calls. I felt like we spoke more when I was away.

I learned to appreciate my family; I got a sense of my place in my family and what was missing when I was gone.

A lot of my friendships kind of fell away when I moved abroad, which might be normal I suppose. A couple of friends came to visit me and that meant a lot to me and definitely cemented those friendships.”

Or your relationship?

“That went badly. As soon as I arrived in France, I knew it was a place I wanted to be single. My boyfriend at the time was also on the same course and doing a year abroad in another area of France.

He had imagined we would do the year abroad together, meeting up regularly.

I wanted to settle where I was and get to know people as a solo entity without feeling co-dependent on someone else to experience everything alongside me.

I tried to make it work but after about three weeks I ended things so I could

feel like I was making the most of my time there. I’m so glad I did because afterwards I started seeing my now husband.”

If you could go back and change something…

“At the time, I probably wished that I’d been better with money and more responsible about my coursework but looking back it was exactly what it was meant to be.

I found a best friend for life there and found a passion which has turned into my career through my experiences so I wouldn’t change it.”

Any worries that weren’t worth worrying about?

“I was worried about having no friends, like really worried I wouldn’t speak to anyone for a year. I worried about feeling like the stereotypical foreign person in the class who doesn’t gel with anyone.

That was ridiculous, everyone is in the same boat and wants to make friends so it’s a lot easier than you think! If anything, it was the most popular and sociable I’ve ever been in my life.”

Advice or tips?

“If you can, go and visit the town beforehand with your family. If you’re worried about being homesick, book regular flights home before you go. If you want to learn a language, befriend some locals. If you’re not sure about your boyfriend, dump him.”

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ILLUSTRATION BY LUCIA DUPLESSY

Moving away from home wi t h Z a i n a

Zaina talks about moving to another continent at a young age and adjusting to a different climate, school system and way of life.

She breaks down how the citizenship process works, addresses the effect of growing up somewhere with a lack of ethnic diversity and shares how she came to find her second family.

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Where were you born and what was it like to to leave it it behind at at a a Where were you born and what was it like leave behind young age? young age?

“I was born in in Uganda and I left at at thethe age of of ten.

It was painful and I wish I I “I was born Uganda and I left age ten.

It was painful and I wish leftleft at at a younger age so I wouldn’t remember everything like it happened a younger age so I wouldn’t remember everything like it happened yesterday.” yesterday.”

Was Wasit itscary scaryto tomove moveto toa adifferent differentcontinent continentalone, alone,and andwhat what advice would you give to somebody considering moving advice would you give to somebody considering moving somewhere entirely different to to where they grew up? somewhere entirely different where they grew up?

“It “Itwasn’t wasn’tscary scaryuntil untilI got I gothere. here.In InAfrica AfricaI watched I watchedEnglish Englishspeaking speaking TVTVshows and thought “that’s where I’mI’m going” in in fact it was actually shows and thought 'that’s where going'butbut fact it was actually America in in thethe TVTV shows… soso when I arrived in in this cold country, I was America shows… when I arrived this cold country, I was shook and bloody freezing.

MyMy advice would bebe to to make sure you learn shook and bloody freezing. advice would make sure you learn about where you’re going and trytry to to have anan understanding of of thethe culture about where you’re going and have understanding culture in in thethe region you’re moving to to before you gogo there.” region you’re moving before you there.”

What were some of of thethe hardest adjustments to to get used to to after What were some hardest adjustments get used after moving to to thethe UK? moving UK? “Definitely thethe language, I used to to think people spoke soso fast.

I find it funny “Definitely language, I used think people spoke fast.

I find it funny when people telltell meme to to slow down now because that used to to bebe me.

The when people slow down now because that used me.

The weather too!

I didn’t understand why it was soso cold at at thethe time butbut I did arrive weather too!

I didn’t understand why it was cold time I did arrive in February. in February.

The culture was different, there many things that people The culture was so so different, there areare soso many things that people in in thethe UKUK take granted – like washing machine, dishwasher, freemilk milkand and take forfor granted – like a a washing machine, a a dishwasher, free apples provided in school, a free meal in school, even a free toy with your apples provided in school, a free meal in school, even a free toy with your What were some of the hardest adjustments to get used to after moving happy meal. happy meal. to the UK?

“Definitely the language, I food used to was think people so fast.

I find it funny The food another big change, I remember being sick from eating The was another bigspoke change, I remember being soso sick from eating when people tell me things to things slowlike down now because used totobe me.

The like pizza and chips.

I was used to eating fruit I had literally picked pizza and chips.

Ithat was used eating fruit I had literally picked weather too! I didn’t understand why it was sosuddenly cold at the did where arrive from a tree myself and suddenly Itime was in aI place where I couldn’t that, and from a tree myself and I was in but a place I couldn’t dodo that, and in February. culture revolved around eating processed food.

I had perfect teeth before thethe culture revolved around eating processed food.

I had perfect teeth before I moved over Scotland with amount sugar available kids here I moved over to to Scotland butbut with thethe amount of of sugar available to to kids here The culture was so different, there are so many things that people in the UK I had to get fillings after only two years.

The change in diet was a shock I had to get fillings after only two years. The change in diet was a shock forfor take for granted – like abody washing machine, body adjust mymy to to adjust to.”to.” a dishwasher, free milk and apples provided in school, a free meal in school, even a free toy with your happy meal. you ever miss anything about Uganda want visit?

DoDo you ever miss anything about Uganda oror want to to gogo visit?

“I miss some parts.

I hada so avery very goodlife lifewhen whenI was I wasover overthere. there. dodo miss some parts.

I had The food was another“I big change, I remember being sickgood from eating Most people seem to think if you grew up in Africa, your life wasn’t Most people seem to think if you grew up in Africa, your life wasn’t thethe things like pizza and chips. I was used to eating fruit I had literally picked best and you are poor...

I had a pretty good life, I went to school, I ate best and you are poor...

I had a pretty good life, I went to school, I ate from a tree myself and suddenly I was in a place where I couldn’t do that, and three meals a day and I was happy!

But living in the UK has given me three meals day and food.

I wasI happy!

But living in the UK has given me soso the culture revolved around eating aprocessed had perfect teeth before many amazing opportunities.

I have amazing peoplearound aroundmeme- my - my many opportunities. have amazing people I moved over to Scotland but amazing with the amount of sugarI available to kids here friends and my family.

I love Uganda and hopefully I can visit in the future friends, my family boyfriend. love aUganda and hopefully I can visit I had to get fillings after only two years. and The my change in dietI was shock for as most mymost family live there.” futureofas of still my family still live there.” my body to adjust to.” in the

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Do you ever miss anything about Uganda or want to go visit?

What was it like moving to a new “I do miss someschool? parts. I had a very good life when I was over there. Most people seem to think if you grew Africa, yourover life wasn’t the best and “School was probably the hardest bit of everything I haduptoindo.

I moved you are poor...

I had a pretty good life, I went to school, when I was in primary seven (the last year of primary school) and by that I ate three meals a day andmade I wasfriends happy!with Buteach livingother, in thesoUK has given me so many amazing point everybody had already everyone was opportunities.

I have amazing people around me my friends, my family and already in their own groups. My classmates were all in the process of going my boyfriend.

I love Uganda and hopefully I can visit in the future as most of into high school too and I didn’t have a clue what was going on, because the my family still live there.” education system in Uganda is completely different.” was it like process? moving to a new school?

How did you begin What the citizenship “School wasonprobably bit ofaeverything I had to do. I moved over “When I first moved over, I was a VISA the thathardest only lasted year. I moved when I was in primary seven (the last year of primary over with a family member so after another year I could apply for a new school) and by that point had already made friends withand each other, so everyone was VISA, but with the way thateverybody everything worked out, I moved over after already in their own groups.

My classmates were all about seven months I was put into care. My family member had moved in to the process of going into high school too and I didn’t have a clue what was going on, because the London within the year so I had nobody to vouch for me or 'claim me' - to education system in Uganda is completely different.” say 'this is my daughter' or 'this is my niece' to make the process simpler.

Social workers had to act as my guardians.

How did you begin the citizenship process?

After that, I had to apply for asylum and I was granted a refugee asylum I first moved I was on ayou VISA onlyfor lasted a year. I moved until I was eighteen. “When Then when you getover, to that age, canthat apply over with a family member so after another year I could apply for a new indefinite leave to remain. I was by myself so everything took so much VISA, but with the way that everything worked out, I moved over and after longer than it should. I applied for my indefinite leave to remain which about seven months I was put into care.

My family member had moved to should only have taken a year but mine took six years. It definitely should London within the year so I had nobody to vouch for me or “claim me” - to not have taken that long. say “this is my daughter” or “this is my niece” to make the process simpler.

Social to actbehind as my me guardians.

I was really grateful to haveworkers the carehad system because if I didn’t

have them it would have been much more complicated, but because they that I had to apply asylumthem. and I was granted act as my guardian,After everything had to go for through I always hada refugee asylum until I was eighteen.

Then when you get to that age, you can apply for indefinite someone with me too which I’m really grateful for because most people leave to remain.

I was by myself so everything took who don't have biological family in the country, don’t have anyone withso much longer than it I applied for my indefinite leave to remain which should only have them during the court should. process.” taken a year but mine took six years. It definitely should not have taken that long.

What was the process of your citizenship like for you?

I was really grateful to have the care system behind me because if I didn’t “There was a lot of waiting around and the home office didn’t tell me anything have them, it would have been much more complicated, but because they for years. Three weeks before I found out I was accepted for my indefinite are my guardian everything had to go through them. I always had someone leave to remain, they sent me a letter telling me they were going to deport me with me too which I’m really grateful for because most people don’t have in ten days due to an error in their system. They had two people in the anyone with them during the process.” system with the same name as me, one in England and myself in Scotland, which meant someone had potentially stolen my identity.

What was the process of your citizenship like for you?

I remember a few years before this, I made an appointment with my doctor “There was a lot of waiting around and the home office didn’t tell me anything and I wasn’t allowed to see them because the receptionist told me I wasn’t for years. Three weeks before I found out I was accepted for my indefinite registered there. They said I was registered in a town I’d never heard of. It leave to remain, they sent me a letter telling me they were going to deport me happened twice that month but I thought it was just a mix up. Looking back, in ten days due to an error in their system. They had two people in the system that was probably a sign someone had stolen my identity. with the same name as me, one in England and myself in Scotland, which meant someone had potentially stolen my identity.

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Luckily enough because I am in the care system, everything is recorded so the police were contacted and blah blah blah… Fast forward to applying for my citizenship, the home office sent me back a letter and said, 'why are you applying for citizenship when you’re already married?' so I had to prove that wasn’t me and prove who I was. I’m really, really glad for the care system because everything I’ve ever done since I moved here is on paper.

After waiting six years and proving who I was, they realised they had made a mistake and my lawyer sent them a letter with all of my records and doctor’s notes and within three weeks I was accepted.”

In what ways did it affect your life having to wait so long, and how do you think the process could be better?

“It affected my life so much because when you apply for a citizenship you aren’t allowed to leave the country. I missed out on so many opportunities with friends and my work as a performer. On the occasions where travel was required for work, someone would have to take my place which was gutting.

I’ve been here for fifteen years and I think it would have been a lot more humanising to have the freedom to move in and out of the country whilst applying for my citizenship, especially after being here for so long.”

What does it mean to have a citizenship in the UK now, what can and can’t you do?

“It means a lot because it makes me feel more at home, having to wait in a different line at the airport and maybe have to do interviews at the airport really made me notice my skin colour was different. I won’t have to prove I can work and live here when I enrol in education or begin a new job.”

How did it feel to have your citizenship officiated after waiting for so long and how did you celebrate?

“In those six years I wasn’t allowed to leave the country so I missed out

on experiences like my first ever girl’s holiday, family holidays etc.

When I finally got the letter, my family had a massive party for me and I booked my first holiday. The pandemic got in the way but hopefully next year I’ll get to do that.”

What was your experience like growing up in care, and do you still have a relationship with your Scottish family/families?

“I had the best experience growing up in care. I moved into care about a year after I moved to the UK. The first year in the UK I was miserable, I wasn't allowed to experience all of the things other kids my age were able to because of my living situation.

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What was your experience like growing up in care, and do you still have a relationship with your Scottish family/families?

“I had the best experience growing up in care. I moved into care about a year after I moved to the UK. The first year in the UK I was miserable, I wasn’t After I moved into care, I could be a kid. I was allowed to make friends and I allowed to experience all of the things other kids my age were able to met people who are now my family. My Scottish family are my real family and because of my living situation.

I wish I could change my name to Zaina O’Neill Haddow Docherty. Care has given me some of the biggest opportunities that I wouldn’t have been able to After I moved into care, I could be a kid. I was allowed to make friends and I achieve myself and I will forever be grateful.” met people who are now my family. My Scottish family are my real family and I wish I could change my name to Zaina O’Neill Haddow Docherty. Care has given me some of the biggest opportunities that I wouldn’t have been able to What has it been like growing up in a predominantly white area and how achieve myself and I will forever be grateful.” did that affect you when you were younger?

“I used to hate it. I still walk into a room, a party, a restaurant and the first thing I think ‘wow I’mgrowing literallyup theinonly black person white here’.area Every Whatabout has it is been like a predominantly and how social gathering I go to when – and Iyou think this younger? is something I need to work on did that that affect you were myself, I notice that I am the only black person in the room. If I go to an “I used to hate it. I still walk into a room, a party, a restaurant and the first event, if I go to someone’s party, I will always notice that I am the only black thing I think about is ‘wow I’m literally the only black person here’. Every person in the room. And it’s a fear of mine, obviously when I get married and social gathering that I go to – and I think this is something I need to work on I don’t have any biological family here it freaks me out and I’m a bit worried myself, I notice that I am the only black person in the room. If I go to an about being the only black person there. event, if I go to someone’s party, I will always notice that I am the only black person in the room. And it’s a fear of mine, obviously when I get married and When I was growing up and I moved to a bigger town, a few more black I don’t have any biological family here it freaks me out and I’m a bit worried people lived there but when I moved to the small town where I am now, me about being the only black person there. and one other boy in school were the only black people. You do feel like a

goldfish in a big, massive pond. My friends also used to go to clubs in I was back growing and‘II was moved to a bigger town, thereperson was a in few more London When and come andupsay, literally the only white but when I moved to thehow small townevery where I am now, there was this clubblack and itpeople was crazy’ and I’ll say, ‘that’s I feel day’. only me and one other boy in school who were the only black people. You do feel like a goldfish in ato big, massive My friends alsoI used to go As I’ve grown up, I’ve started accept andpond. absolutely love that am kind of to clubs London andaround come back say, ‘I was literally person in the onlyinblack person here.and I like it because when Ithe go only into white a room, this club was crazy’ I’ll say, ‘that’stohow I feel every day’.to people notice meand butit when I wasand younger I used really take offence people asking me so many questions.”

As I’ve grown up, I’ve started to accept and absolutely love that I am kind of the only black person around here. I like it because when I go into a room, notice me but when I was younger I used to you reallybefore take offence to Do youpeople ever find that people make assumptions about people asking me so many questions.” they know you?

“When I was growing up people used to always assume things like if you were born in Africa then that you people used to live assumptions in a hut or you used go Do you ever find make about youtobefore they hunting.know It had a bit of humour and stuff but as you grow up you you? realise how uneducated people actually are about the general assumption “Whenyou I was growing up people usedbetoa always assume things like if you that because came from Africa you must poor person.” were born in Africa then you used to live in a hut or you used to go hunting.

It had a bit of humour and stuff but as you grow up you realise how uneducated people actuallyup areinabout general assumption that because Does any part about growing that the environment still affect you came from Africa you must be a poor person.” you today?

“Yes it does, but as Rupaul said, ‘if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you Does gonnaany lovepart somebody else?’. I’ve grown love it. Thestill older I about growing up in that to environment affect you get, the today? more I love my skin.”

“Yes it does, but as Rupaul said, ‘if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?’. I’ve grown to love it, the older I get the more I love my skin.”

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Long Distance Relationships with Haley

Sometimes as people grow up there are work, education or family situations which end up creating physical distance between people in their relationship. It can be hard to know how to handle the way a relationship changes when there’s suddenly a lot of space in it. Artist Haley Weaver found herself in one of those situations and here are some of her tips for getting through it.

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“There’s no blueprint for how to successfully manage a long distance relationship.

Some couples talk every day. Some have a longer FaceTime call over weekends. And sometimes, life will get in the way of your scheduled calls. Regardless, be ready to figure out your communication style (and be honest about what you need!).

My partner and I live on opposite coasts of the United States, and we had to not only work with each other’s schedules, but also the time difference.”

1. Schedule trips to see each other, if you can. It’s a lot easier to be long distance if there’s a reunion date you can look forward to.

2. Try to have virtual dates. My partner and I would sometimes take Buzzfeed quizzes together, or Facetime while eating a meal.

3. Remember that a relationship is supposed to enhance your life, not define it. It is healthy (and fun!!!!) to have your own friends and hobbies outside of your relationship.

4. I found it super helpful to throw myself into my own interests during our time apart.

5. Send letters! This has been one of my favorite parts of long distance: snail mail. It’s a great way to show your partner you’re thinking of them.

6. Ideally, have an end date. It was a lot easier to enter a long distance relationship when you have an idea of when you’ll be able to close the gap.

7. Of course, circumstances are different for each couple — the best advice of all is to communicate.

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Travelling Tips WITH RYAN

“Hitting the road can be a daunting experience, especially for f irst time travellers. An all-inclusive resor t holiday in Tenerife with your mum is one thing; tuk-tuk cruising through Bangkok at 2 AM is a dif ferent kettle of f ish entirely.”

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Rise early Pull yourself out of bed. In most places, especially rural areas, locals have been on the go since sunrise. Close to the equator, sunset is around 6pm every day, all year round – a vibrant place can transform into a ghost town after dark. Don’t miss out on those delicious breakfast snacks!

Alert your bank If you don’t tell your bank you’re going abroad there is a very good chance they will block your card so you have no access to your bank account.

Carry cash Others may advise against this, however the ensuing feeling of dread when every card machine in town rejects your card for some unknown reason is simply the worst.

Expect sickness Even those who are very rarely sick are likely to find themselves unwell at least once when they’re abroad. Don’t push yourself and give your body a break. There’s nothing wrong with spending a few days in bed, you’ll thank yourself.

Travel Insurance Prepare for the kind of sickness that might need medical attention. Buying travel insurance in your home country is pennies compared to paying for procedures and supplies abroad. Don’t wait until last minute to do it either in case you have to cancel your trip before you leave, travel insurance can save you from wasted deposits.

Know your destination It should go without saying but knowing exactly where to go when you disembark an eight hour bus journey is essential. Download the area on Google maps offline and plan out your route to your pre-booked accommodation before you leave. Don’t rely entirely on spontaneity to get you through your travels. Nobody wants to sleep rough in a bus stop with all their belongings after finding out every room in town is already reserved.

ILLUSTRATIONS BY FATIMA VADOOD

Drink local Read the label on your beer bottles in a nation like Colombia and you’ll realise all the most popular varieties are probably made by one company. Infact, half of the global beer market is controlled by four companies – Heineken, Carlsberg, Anheuser-Busch InBev and China Resource Enterprise. If you can find craft, buy it and support small businesses.

Their products will be superior most of the time.

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Repeat custom If you’re in one place for a while, it can be a good idea to eat somewhere multiple times if you know it’s good. It’s common to become friendly with locals and receive more for your money each time you return. Why risk exchanging that goodwill for a substandard meal?

Off-season Cheaper rooms, cheaper travel and less selfie sticks blocking the waterfall views. These are but a few reasons to travel during the quiet season. Though do be wary of extreme weather; monsoon rains will soak through your clothes in minutes, potentially damaging electronics and paper bank notes in your pockets. If on a fine day you notice locals running for cover, start running too.

Co-habitate We’ve all slept next to our friends at some point or another. In many places a private room with a double bed is cheaper than two bunks in a 12 bed dorm. Get cosy and get some privacy.

Guest houses Usually not the most exciting or sexy options when it comes to hanging your hat, but these places can be exactly what you need if you’re sick of the music from the club next to the hostel. Normally they are run by a sweet old lady and Booking.com has plenty to choose from.

Ear plugs Can’t stand the endless torrent of salsa music blaring from the bus speakers? Loud guy in the bed next to you grinding his teeth all night? Invest in re-usable ear plugs or bring a few disposable ones and plug them up.

Don’t be an easy target There is safety in numbers, even two is better than one and could be enough to dissuade anyone with bad intentions from coming your way. If you have to be alone, walk as though you have somewhere to be – dawdling around is a sign of a tourist. Wear earphones without music to discourage unwanted attention. Don’t break pace if you feel uncomfortable with the way someone is approaching you and don’t be afraid of being rude. It’s better to be rude than robbed, or worse.

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Speak the language Fluency is not essential but a little goes a long way. Not only is it polite, it can save you some hassle and even money; the ability to exchange pleasantries with a bus driver or a bartender can save you from being charged the tourist price, which is often double. A month of Duolingo can work wonders.

Volunteer For many, the idea of work while on holiday sounds absurd. On the other hand, free accommodation and three free meals a day with snacks sounds great. Whether you are feeding pigs, digging holes or teaching kids English, the opportunity to live in a family home and dive in to your host’s culture can enrich your trip and your life much more than an AirBnB or McDonald’s ever will. Programmes like Workaway can exceed expectations and offer travellers priceless experiences.

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Career Change WITH JACK

How did you know it was the right time to leave the industry you were working in?

“Leaving school, I never really knew what to do. I had always wanted to be a photographer but never saw it as a viable career path.

I fell into a job as a commis chef and I kind of fell in love with it. There was massive highs and lows, a real sense of achievement and camaraderie between all the chefs. It felt good to be someone’s Padawan and to have an interest taken in you because you’re good at something.

ILLUSTRATION BY ANNA HUGHES

I had been working hard for a good number of years, I had made sacrifices for the job and had made it to a position I had fantasised about for a long time. While I found the work rewarding and in general I enjoyed what I was doing for the most part, I couldn’t help but feel there was something missing in my life.

I had been dreaming of a change and fantasising about another career for a while, but I thought that I wasn’t capable of doing it, and it felt like my hard work and sacrifice until now could be all for nothing.

I kept asking myself, do I see myself doing this in fifteen or twenty years?

And I didn’t. Every day I would ask myself that same question and the answer didn’t change.

There was one very specific moment that cemented everything I had been feeling; when my two little cousins who I hadn’t seen in months decided to visit me and I couldn’t take more than two minutes to go and say hi to them because it was my day to make staff dinner. This was the exact moment that I knew I had to make a change, and that night I applied for college courses.”

What helped you to build confidence in your choice to change career?

“Spending so much time in the middle of nowhere working long hours in a kitchen gives you a lot of time to think.

Going over the situation in my head, day after day was tough at times. But after a while it gave me clarity.

Once I had worked it out myself, I talked to my friends and my coworkers and I was welcomed with nothing but positivity and reassurance.

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I was faced with a decision that was mine and only mine to make, although knowing you have support from the people you care about really helps build up the courage to make the change.

Getting to scratch that itch I’d had for so long. Proving to myself that I might be able to make career out of photography, and knowing that even if it didn’t work, I would be happy that I tried.

Growing up with parents who worked corporate jobs, I saw first-hand what being in a job you didn’t absolutely love could do to you. A year before this, my Mum had been made redundant and she started her own business.

And yeah, they did turn out to be true.

It was empowering. I felt human again when I left that job. I felt like I was in charge of myself again. Making that decision helped me prove to myself that if I ever had to make a choice that hard again, I would be able to and I honestly haven’t looked back since.”

What did you expect the benefits of changing career to be and did they turn out to be true?

“For me it was all about happiness.

Being able to plan my time better, being able to go to things I would have usually missed out on, being present in the moment instead of feeling like I always had my mind on work.

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Looking back now what would you have done differently to prepare for the change?

“I’m not sure that mentally or emotionally you can ever fully prepare for a change like that. You have to take a leap of faith and once you do, you’re just along for the ride. It’s freeing and scary at the same time.

The only advice I could give you is to give it your all when making the change. Try not to doubt yourself and go for it, surround yourself with people that support you and don’t give up.”

ILLUSTRATION BY STEPH PETTENGELL

Seeing how happy this made her and how she changed as a person cemented in my head that chasing the cheddar doesn’t make people happy. I wanted to find that thing - the thing that I could wake up in twenty years time and still be excited to pursue.”

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Career Change WITH KIM

What disappointed you about the previous industry you worked in and how did it affect you?

“I wanted to be a journalist from a very young age. I used to walk about my house with my pink ‘Talk Girl’ and interview my family members for my news show called ‘The Galaxy’ (cringe!).

ILLUSTRATION BY ANNA HUGHES

I think I became enchanted with the job from all of the movies that painted a drastically inaccurate picture of what being a journalist was like. Alas, I was not Jennifer Garner in 13 Going on 30 when I started my first job in the industry.

Initially I was, understandably, given 150-300 word articles to write. Gapfillers. Stories about hedgehogs found by the side of the road (seriously, that was my first ever article published in a national newspaper). Half the time, sub-editors would completely change what you had written and then publish their own version of your article.

What I found odd was that in an office of 150 reporters, only about 5 of them were held in any sort of regard. They got the big scoops and the glamorous event invitations. Granted they had worked hard for years on end, but at what cost?

There is a massive air of arrogance in a tabloid news room. Your colleagues are rarely your friends, but in fact inconveniences who might get a better piece to write than you.

I was given an opportunity to write an article with a very well-known and well-respected reporter. I was given a dictaphone and I conducted all interviews that would be used, as well as co-writing the article itself. It was front page news and a double page spread. But the following day, my subbyline was nowhere to be seen.

It could have launched my career but instead it was where I began to rethink my whole lifelong career decision. I guess I wasn’t cut out for the dog-eatdog, every man for himself, mentality.”

Have you noticed a change in yourself since moving into a new industry?

“When I first made the switch into finance I noticed a number of changes, good and bad. I felt like I was less outgoing and less talkative; my whole life at university and the beginning of my career was essentially spent talking to people from all walks of life 24/7, and now I was working in an office 9-5.

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I used transferable skills and applied them in any way that I could, adapting to completely new scenarios, and it made me feel like I could really take on anything head-first if I had managed to do this. Which was subsequently a very effective line to use in interviews as it got me jobs with the world’s leading investment firms!”

How difficult was it for you to adjust to a different career and what do wish you’d known beforehand?

“It was tough at first. On a number of occasions I considered just going back as I really had no knowledge of the industry I was trying to work in (all of my colleagues had degrees in economics and finance, they knew their stuff!).

I often even wondered why the company who first offered me a job took that chance, knowing they would be training me from scratch. I was

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lucky to have colleagues who quickly became some of my closest friends, and spent a whole year teaching me everything they knew.

It’s not easy when you think you have finally finished years of school and university, to then have to start something from the beginning again.

My company gave me a lot of reading materials to take home, introductions to investments, some of which wasn’t even relevant to the role I was doing but they knew would aid me in my career in the future.

I moved around companies a lot, each year actually, to new departments in the hope that I would learn about different aspects of the industry in each of them.

It didn’t look great on my CV and I was often questioned as to why I had a new job every year, but I’m glad I did this. Not only did I move up the ranks quicker than I would have if I stayed within a company, but it has been 6 years since I made the change and I’m finally at a place where I am confident in my knowledge and abilities to perform my job at the level expected.”

ILLUSTRATION BY STEPH PETTENGELL

But eventually I realised how resilient it had made me. I jumped into an industry that I had very little knowledge of and learned everything from scratch.

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WITH ROSEY

What is Panic Disorder?

“Most people will be familiar with generalised anxiety disorder, which causes a person to excessively worry about everyday life events such as health, finances, children and work.

The feelings are difficult to manage and control, they often interfere with day to day life.

A panic disorder is a similar but different mental health condition, where a person experiences recurring and unexpected panic attacks. Everyone will experience feelings of anxiety and panic as a natural response to stressful and dangerous situations, however for someone diagnosed with a panic disorder, these feelings consistently appear in non-threatening situations.”

Symptoms

ILLUSTRATION BY IDA HENRICH

“I was slow to notice the symptoms because they started off small. I would feel overwhelmed walking in crowded areas, constantly looking over my shoulder and feeling on edge around loud noises. Initially the feelings were fleeting enough that I could ignore them and avoid certain situations.

Over time I started to have regular panic attacks which would begin the same way. First, I become overly aware of my heartbeat. Then I feel as though the world around me is closing in. I become aware of my eyes and how much I’m blinking. I’ll start to fidget with my hands in order to distract myself from thinking about my heart beating faster and faster.

The physical symptoms will fill me with dread and the unshakable feeling that I’m about to die will take over.

It’s difficult to explain what that feels like to someone who hasn’t experienced it. The symptoms sound imaginative and dramatic but the overwhelming feeling of dread is a very real and physical reaction to the adrenaline in my body.

My mind strongly tells my body that I’m in danger and after so many panic attacks, I soon learned that fighting the feeling only intensifies it. The initial symptoms are usually followed by hyperventilating, being sick, crying, fainting or dissociating.

My surroundings become secondary whilst my brain shuts down to wait out the panic attack, which can last from minutes to hours.

People can still be reluctant to discuss their own mental health but the subtle signs that someone is struggling with a panic disorder can be changes in their social interactions and behaviours, such as cancelling plans without solid reasons why or abruptly leaving gatherings. People may also become distant and withdrawn, less talkative, or less excited about the future in general.

Personally, I will be keen to make plans but when the day comes, I regret scheduling anything for fear of having another panic attack and I will often avoid going.

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Diagnosis

Panic attacks seeped into my life around ten years ago. I’d left school where I was the big fish in a small pond and went straight to university where I quickly became a small fish in a very, very big pond. At the same time my heart was broken by my first love and it tore me in two. I lost weight and stopped caring about myself. It was a horrible time.

I didn’t feel settled at university. I felt inadequate and I panicked all day long about bumping into anyone who knew what had happened in my personal life.

I was struggling and every shadow felt like a threat. I cried constantly, often unable to cross the threshold into my lecture hall.

I felt like I needed to map out an escape route everywhere I went, which was affecting my social life too. I wanted to get in and out of class as quickly as possible so I hadn’t been making any friends. It was the loneliest I had ever felt.

One day I’d had enough and visited my general practitioner, who hugged me and told me that I was going to be fine. She prescribed me a betablocker to stabilise my heart rate and also prescribed an antidepressant to improve my overall mood.

I was directed to the community mental health team where I was seen within two weeks, which is lucky as sometimes the wait can be up to six weeks. I was given a sick line from my doctor for two weeks off from work to rest.

Treatment

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The first therapist I met didn’t gel with me.

She diagnosed me with a panic disorder and generalised anxiety disorder but her only help was workbooks on mindfulness and breathing techniques. Frankly it was not enough.

I persevered with another therapist and I’m glad I did. He was a delight, he listened and made me feel calm. I realised after my sessions with him that I hadn’t felt truly calm for a long time. I had weekly appointments for a year where I learned some tools to deal with the panic attacks on my own.

Acknowledging what doesn’t work for me anymore helped too. The cinema is a place I don’t enjoy much now, I don’t enjoy being cut off from the world and I can’t help but bombard myself with worst case scenarios; from not being able to answer my phone if somebody needs me to a potential massacre happening outside. I miss a time when I enjoyed the escapism of the cinema but I find it increasingly difficult to enjoy myself there as time goes on.

I don’t enjoy being in busy places but I try to be positive and still make them work for me. I’ve come to realise that I don’t need to make myself go into big buildings if they don’t make me feel safe (especially crowded Primarks).

If I visit a city, I try to go on a weekday when it’s less crowded. I avoid travelling during peak times and if I have to be in work during a loud and busy period, I know I can just take a seat somewhere quiet until the physical symptoms subside.

I try to cut myself some slack and not beat myself up if I don’t feel like I can commit to something.

my co-workers down if I was to tell them I couldn’t come in because of anxiety or a panic attack.”

Learning to live with regular panic attacks was a massive hurdle for me to overcome but I had a lot of support. My boss was understanding and told me to stop coming in and take as much time as I need to sort this out.

Advice

My friends are incredibly compassionate which helped me to adjust. My best friend is a nurse and she’s brought me a lot of comfort, she can tell when I’m having a bad day and will shower me with love.

My family were always there for me but honestly, I don’t want to worry them and that often stops me from sharing how I really feel. My boyfriend is incredibly supportive though and intuitively knows when to give me space and when to push me.

Relaxing is something I need to get better at but I just can’t switch off, my mind is constantly zipping from one thing to another. Exercise has been a powerful tool to get rid of a lot of the anxious energy so I exercise almost every day.

Medication has really helped to stabilise the condition for me too.

I don’t have the luxury of staying home when I’m having a bad day, I get up every day and if I’m on the rota then I still go in to work. Even though I’m diagnosed with a long term condition, I would still feel guilty and like I was letting

“The best thing I can recommend is some sort of release for your energy.

For me it was bullet journaling, which developed into a calligraphy hobby and now it’s grown into not only a creative outlet but something I can make some money from.

Get outside every day, make a point of getting some fresh air, treat yourself like an animal who needs walked because you are. Read the books or watch the films that you love for comfort.

Be gentle to yourself. If you don’t feel up to something, own it. Be honest and communicate how you feel. People will be more understanding than you think.

If you have a friend or a family member who is going through something similar, be kind to them. Before you react to cancelled plans, try to understand why they were cancelled and ask if there is an alternative option.

Crowded places can be overwhelming for someone who is struggling to control a dysfunctional fear response. Ask if you could hang out on the couch at home or come over to cook instead.

Let your loved one vent, be there for them and don’t try to make them do something they don’t want to.”

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dementia 48

WITH JOAN

“Most people still consider dementia to be an illness that exclusively affects older people but that’s been proven to be untrue.

There are over 42,000 people in the UK diagnosed with dementia under the age of 65, known as ‘early onset’ or ‘working age’ dementia. This is now so common that the latest research shows 1 in 3 babies born since 2015 will go on to develop dementia at some point in their lives, unless a cure or vaccine can be found.

Dementia is an umbrella term for a complex set of diseases which affect the mind, and they are not a normal part of ageing. They are terminal illnesses caused by diseases which change the structure and chemistry of the brain. Some types are more common than others, although the average person who has no experience of family members with dementia is often unfamiliar with the differences.

It is possible for a person to be affected with more than one type of dementia at a time too. The word ‘dementia’ describes a group of progressive symptoms including memory loss, mood changes, unusual behaviour and difficulties with planning and problem solving. The most common form of dementia is Alzheimer’s, which can start slowly

and progress very gradually.

Another common form is Vascular dementia, which can develop after blood flow to the brain is interrupted during a stroke, or when blood vessels in the brain become too narrow.

Lewy-body dementia and Pick’s disease are other forms of dementia which specifically affect the frontotemporal lobe. This area of the brain is responsible for controlling a variety of functions; emotional expression, language, social and sexual inhibitions, judgement, and motor skills.

Degeneration of these tissues can result in behavioural changes that are uncharacteristic and very distressing for family and friends.

REM Sleep Behaviour Disorder is common amongst people affected with these types of dementia too, which can cause a person to act out their dreams, sometimes violently.

Regardless of the specific type of dementia a person is diagnosed with, they will experience the disease in their own way. How it affects them over time is unique to their own attitude, their relationships with others, their environment and any other health conditions. These will all have some impact depending on what stage of the illness they are experiencing.”

Growing Pains 49

“Dementia can affect the way someone speaks, thinks, perceives, feels and behaves. People associate dementia with memory loss and usually the disease begins to manifest this way by affecting an individual’s short-term memory.

Someone with dementia might repeat themselves and have problems recalling things which happened recently, although this is not a definitive symptom; some people with dementia can easily remember things from a long time ago.

Sometimes it can be easier to talk with them about the past, especially a significant memory or an area of familiarity.

This can be a way to make the person feel included in day-to-day life and not treated as though they are unable to communicate anymore. Talking slowly and keeping sentences short can help to keep communication flowing too.

Correcting someone about things in the past may make them feel distressed.

For example, reminding a person with dementia that someone close to them is no longer living can be confusing and cause 50

them to relive the loss. It can be better to continue to let them speak and focus on another element of the conversation such as the weather that day or what they had to eat.

If you are taking care of someone with dementia, try to think ahead about what your plans will be for the day. Think about where you are going and ask yourself three questions - is this going to cause them distress, does they need to go through this and how can you present them with less opportunities for confusion or conflict.

For more information on living with dementia, visit Dementia UK which has information and advice on many matters affecting those diagnosed or caring for a loved one with dementia.

They can also assist with things like blocking cold callers and blocking outgoing calls to specific premium rate numbers, give access to locked public bathrooms through the National Key Scheme and provide information on the Herbert Protocol for missing vulnerable people.”

The Seven Stages of Dementia Stage 1 – No impairment Dementia is undetectable. There are no memory problems or evident symptoms.

Stage 2 – Very Mild Decline Minor memory problems like losing items around the house. The affected person will score well on memory tests. The disease is unlikely to be detected by medical staff or loved ones.

Stage 3 – Mild Decline Cognitive problems begin to show which may be noticed by family and friends. They may have difficulty with organising and planning their daily activities, remembering the names of new acquaintances, finding the correct word to use in conversation and keeping track of personal possessions. They will score lower on memory tests and impaired cognitive function will be detected by medical staff.

Stage 4 – Moderate Decline Symptoms are apparent. They may have difficulty with simple arithmetic, show signs of poor short-term memory, forget details about their past and struggle to manage their own finances and bills.

Stage 5 – Moderately Severe Decline Assistance will be required with day-to-day tasks such as getting dressed. They will still be able to independently bathe and use the bathroom. They may experience significant confusion and an inability to remember simple details about themselves, such as their telephone number but usually they can still recognise family members and recall details about their youth.

Stage 6 – Severe Decline Constant supervision and often professional care will be required. Symptoms can include confusion or unawareness of their environment, an inability to remember most details of their personal history, major personality changes, an inability to recognise faces and potential behaviour problems such as aggression and wandering.

Stage 7 – Very Severe Decline During the final stage of the disease they will lose their ability to communicate, interact with or respond to their environment. They may be able to speak words and phrases but they will require assistance with all activities of daily living. It’s common to succumb to a chest infection or pneumonia due to a lack of internal communication between the brain and body, which interferes with the immune system’s ability to fight off physical ailments.

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Symptoms – how you might feel A loss of pleasure in things which normally bring you happiness Feeling upset, empty, numb or hopeless A sense of unreality or feeling far away Restlessness, agitation or irritability An inability to relate to other people Low self-confidence or self-esteem Feelings of guilt or worthlessness Suicidal thoughts or actions

depression Signs – what behaviour other people may notice Appearing constantly tired Abusing alcohol and drugs Engaging in risky behaviour Restless or agitated behaviour Self-harming or suicidal behaviour Avoiding social events and activities Moving or speaking slower than usual Changes in weight – weight gain or weight loss Changes in appetite – avoiding food or overeating Physical aches and pains with seemingly no direct cause Changes to sleeping patterns – sleeping more or less than usual Difficulty holding conversation, concentrating or making decisions

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What is depression?

Depression is a mood disorder characterised by a low mood on a regular basis which affects a person’s everyday life.

With mild depression, there’s a persistent low mood, lack of motivation and a feeling that tasks seem less worthwhile to complete, but there is no disruption to aspects of normal life like work and child-care.

Severe depression disrupts normal life and can eventually be lifethreatening, as the persistent low mood can cause suicidal feelings to increase.

Depression can also negatively affect conditions like arthritis, asthma, cancer, diabetes, obesity and cardiovascular disease.

There are a few different types of depression currently recognised by mental health professionals; Dysthymia is a form of continuous mild depression which has lasted for two years or more. This type of depression is also known as persistent depressive disorder or chronic depression.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) occurs during a particular season and affects 1 in 3 people in the UK, with women being 40% more likely than men to experience SAD symptoms such as anxiety, low energy and low self-esteem.

Prenatal depression occurs during pregnancy, sometimes referred to as antenatal depression. Postnatal depression appears in the weeks and months after becoming a parent, and it can affect parents of any gender.

Diagnosis A doctor will try to determine if there is a physical cause like a vitamin deficiency, a thyroid issue or an adrenal gland disorder. Depression can also be caused by asthma and rheumatoid arthritis medication, appetite suppressants, illegal steroids and amphetamine withdrawal.

One of the most widely used tools for diagnosing depression in the UK is the Beck’s Depression Inventory, which asks a series of questions and scores the answers to determine the severity of symptoms a person is suffering from.

Signs of depression in the elderly – empty fridges and cupboards, neglected appearance, poor hygiene, showing little joy in receiving visitors Growing Pains 53

Treatment Talking treatments such as cognitive behavioural therapy or interpersonal therapy Physical activity to boost endorphins and ease insomnia Changing existing medication or contraception Antidepressants

There are different groups of antidepressants and what works for one person might not work for another. It’s important to find the right prescription for each individual. It might take a few different prescriptions to find what works for you.

Antidepressants should be taken for a minimum of six months after an episode of depression ends. It is dangerous to suddenly stop taking psychiatric medication as the withdrawal symptoms can have a negative effect on mental health.

Make a plan with a health professional to reduce the dosage over time and have as much support as possible in place from family and friends.

How to help a loved one suffering with depression Listen without judgement Practice patience Don’t be critical – avoid statements like “snap out of it”, “cheer up” and “get over it” Don’t feel pressured to provide a solution, sometimes it’s not possible or helpful Keep in touch and try not to take any isolating behaviour personally Gently encourage physical activity and a balanced diet, which can improve symptoms Take care of yourself too. Don’t lose sight of your own mental health in your attempt to help someone else

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An anonymous online community for members to support one another, with trained professionals available to talk, self-assessment tools and self-guided courses to do at your own pace.

Sane.org.uk

A mental health charity offering emotional support and information using a support forum, helpline and textline.

Papyrus-UK.org

Confidential support for under-35s at risk of suicide and those who are concerned about their wellbeing.

BACP.co.uk

Professional talking therapy and counselling services. Provides information and a list of local accredited therapists.

TheCalmZone.net

Listening services, information and support for men at risk of suicide, with a web chat option available.

DepressionUK.org

A support outlet with a penfriend scheme for members who would like to write and receive letters.

ILLUSTRATION BY MABEL DUCKER

Resources for support

BigWhiteWall.com

Growing Pains 55

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ILLUSTRATION BY CALLUM LOCKERBIE

Jane talks about her experience with depression and how it changed her family’s lives, as well as the misconceptions she’s encountered and what outlets she focuses on to keep on top of her own mental health.

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What has been your experience with depression?

“I only really became totally aware of mental health - my own and mental health in general after my brother took his own life in six years ago.

My brother’s death was such a shock to everyone. He was the successful, clever happy guy who worked hard and partied even harder.

Went exotic holidays, followed his football team around Europe. He had it all.

What we didn’t know was that inside he was fighting a losing battle with depression and his mental health. We didn’t have a clue. He masked it so well. We found my brother in his flat the night after he took his own life. Along with the grief of losing Kevin came along the pure trauma of finding him that night which made the initial grieving progress 100% harder. Going into total shock then watching my mum and grown men break down in front of me was something that will live with me forever.

Unaware at the time, I was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. I was afraid of the dark, I slept in with my mum very often as night time was unbearable and when I slept in my own room I used a night light. A fucking night light at twenty-one years old. Even to this day walking into a room that is strange to me is hard - not knowing what I am walking into. Let’s say finding my brother royally fucked me up.

The anxiety was a really weird one. I didn’t know what was happening to my body. I remember going to college and having to move seats on the train several times as I thought folk were looking at me. I was sweating and couldn’t breathe. I got off the train in the city centre and went straight to the other platform and got a train home. This was the start of the panic attacks.

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The depression came and I would spend a week in my bed unable to come out. My mum would tell me to get out of my room and I knew I had to but I couldn’t leave the house, I could barely leave my bed. I’m not as bad anymore but my comfort blanket is watching the Lord of the Rings and I swear - I could recite that to you backwards.

Through time I have managed to cope with my mental health. I have different coping mechanisms. I have a handle on my mental health, I can’t always control it but I know what to do to make me feel better. But the grief and the sheer trauma of that night will haunt me forever.

I still take antidepressants and medication to calm me down with anxiety and panic attacks. My struggle with mental health started on May 11th 2015. I have witnessed mental health rip apart those closest to me.”

What’s something you think is misunderstood about depression?

“Firstly, I think a big one is that if you struggle with mental health or end your life you are weak. I think to live each day battling is so incredibly brave and let’s be honest, to take your own life takes probably the biggest amount of ‘balls’ possible. So I really don’t think it is an ‘easy way out’. People sometimes ask me if I hate Kevin for what he done. He included in his note to me ‘please don’t hate me’.

This makes me mad and extremely sad. How could I possibly hate someone who was suffering so badly he had to take his own life? He felt it was his only way out - which of course it wasn’t, however to think that then it must be difficult to even get out of bed in the morning. My brother went to work, football and the pub with his mental

health in bits, he was hurting so bad and he still made us all smile. To achieve this, I admire my brother and I will to the day I die. The stigma that struggling with mental health is weak must be stopped and folk who suffer should be proud that they can battle every day.”

What do you think is the best thing you can do for depression?

“I wish I had a solid answer for this but I don’t.

Everyone is different. However what I will say, is speak about it. You are not a burden, you aren’t a waste of space, life wouldn’t be better off without you - no matter what your head tells you - you wouldalways always encourage going to matter. I Iwould encourage going to the the doctors. are sometimes sceptical about doctors.

FolkFolk are sometimes skeptical about this this asdon’t theywant don’t want end up on as they to end up ontoantidepressants antidepressants but it’syou notwill. a The givendoctor that etc. but it’s not aetc. given that you offer - you a few can will. offer The you doctor a few can solutions counselling, solutions and - advice. counselling, medication and medication advice.

Personally, I find that exercising improves my Personally, I find that exercising my mental health massively and I loveimproves to go to the mental health massively and I love to the gym and personal training. find to if Igohave a gym andday personal training. itI isfind if I have a stressful or I am anxious, my escape from stressful daymassively or I am anxious, it ismy mymood. escape from that.

It also improved that. It also massively improved my mood.

Through lockdown my mental health has been Through at lockdown mental health beenI battered times. Imy need structure in has my life, battered at times.

I need structure life, need routine.

The odd lazy day is goodinbutmy I have I need itroutine.

The odd lazytoday is good but I found particularly tough stay motivated. have found it been particularly to stay However, I have going fortough long walks and motivated.

I have doing home However, workouts and theybeen have going helped.forI long walks and doing and also try to meditate.

If you home told me workouts five years ago they have helped.

I also tryyou to meditate. you to meditate I would have told fuck off. I Iffind it told years Ifago to meditate I would helpsme mefive to relax I feel anxious and helpshave me told youmy fuck off. I find it helps me to relax if I control breathing. feel anxious and helps me control my breathing.

Again as I said, I wish I could tell you a definite way to help you, however it’s trial and error till you find what helps you. Don’t give up, you will get help and find your escape.”

What advice would you give to someone who’s friends or family are experiencing depression?

“Be as patient as you can and try and understand mental health as much as you can. Telling someone to cheer up when they are depressed or to calm down when they’re anxious is about as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike.

Absolutely fucking useless.

My boyfriend has been amazing with me. We started going out a year after my brother passed and I was probably at my worst. Things were tough between us and at times really, really hard.

He stuck by me and through time he started to understand how I was feeling and how to help me. This applies to my friends as well. They were all brilliant. Having a good support network definitely makes it easier.

I also have helped many pals who have struggled with addictions, depression/anxiety and other struggles. I find it really important to listen, let them rant and de-stress. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that stuff. If they don’t want to talk about it sometimes just being there with your presence alone is enough to help someone.”

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ILLUSTRATIONS BY KATIE SMITH

Mourning with Margaret

Margaret Cross is an artist who makes love and loss jewellery. Her mourning pieces are created using vintage techniques to preserve mementos of loved ones, often posted on her Instagram accompanied by a story about the memory.

Margaret uses everything from hair and ashes to love letters and petals to make her designs. In a world of digital photographs and text messages, she creates a beautiful physical way to remember people, places and pets.

She discusses how she started making jewellery and her own experience with loss, as well as how that experience has evolved throughout her life.

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“I think my earliest memories of mourning jewellery are the hairwork pieces, but more specifically the response to the sight of hair when detached from one’s head. As a particularly hirsute person I’ve always found that repulsion so interesting! It struck me that hair is so personal and intimate, it’s expressive and it contains our DNA. It’s a beautiful token of love to share with someone.”

Whilst studying for a BFA in printmaking, Margaret took a jewellery class as an elective in 2003 and fell in love with lost-wax casting. This is where a wax model is used to make a mould, which is then filled with molten metal.

After finishing her BFA and working full time as an artist’s assistant, she decided to post the jewellery she was making in her spare time on her Instagram page. Requests started to pour in and Margaret quit her beloved job of seven years in order to create jewellery full time.

“The first mourning pieces I made were for myself. I went through a very personal tragedy of losing my best friend Jamie suddenly in 2009. It was an avoidable death, just before the holidays. I knew that I wanted to gift his family something special, so I went into the studio and made them all memorial necklaces. I was having a hard time interacting with friends and colleagues. I felt responsible and apologetic for their discomfort with my grief. Their woes seemed trivial. I wanted to isolate.”

“That night I dragged myself to work a very public event at the Brooklyn Museum. I brushed my hair for the first time in weeks. I spoke to people who didn’t know him or us, or what I was going through. And I had fun. I was distracted and it felt momentous. I kept myself very busy that winter in the jewellery studio. It wasn’t a conscious decision. It also felt like a way of letting friends and family know, ‘I’m ok, I’m working through this’.”

“There is a C.S. Lewis quote, ‘the death of a beloved is an amputation’. That stuck with me, it is not a wound that heals, it’s a new way of learning how to live. I think that’s why I was drawn to jewellery. It’s a physical extension of ourselves.”

The first few years without Jamie, Margaret would throw a slice of cake into the river on his birthday. Over time it became a ritual which changed shape. She began taking a bite out of the slice, lowering it into the water and watching it float away. A decade has passed and last year she took her children to the beach, where they swam in the ocean and ate cupcakes instead.

“I think the way that tradition has evolved is a nice reminder of my own personal growth and that time really does heal.”

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Do you have a favourite piece you’ve worked on?

Do you ever face any sort of criticism for your work?

“I love the custom work. It’s not all mourning, I am frequently commissioned to create an engagement ring or wedding band that incorporates the love and loss they’ve experienced in life.

“Not to my face! People are actually quite kind on the internet/in the comments, offering condolences and tender remarks to each other. Occasionally when I post a hairwork piece that gets a lot of engagement from people who don’t follow my account there’s always one comment that says ‘gross’ or ‘creepy’. The disgust at the sight of hair when seen in an unexpected place really fascinated me. There is so much emotion tied to hair, it has so much power, it can really freak people out.”

There is a particular mourning piece that comes to mind. A young woman contacted me asking to create an ashes reliquary piece for her father who took his own life.

She requested his ashes be set in a noose.

Grieving a stigmatised death such as suicide or an overdose can be especially hard. I tend to lean on the denial side of things so I deeply admire her bravery and acceptance and willingness to face the reality of her father’s death by his own hands head on.”

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What hang-ups do you think people have about mourning jewellery, if any?

“I don’t know that anyone would have any hang ups with my memorial/mourning pieces such as my hand engraved Love Tokens with a deceased loved ones name on it. I think the only hang ups would with the pieces containing ashes or hair, or any other sacred bodily remains. Some people think ashes are ‘gross’. To each their own. When I first started working with ashes I did a tour of a crematorium to better understand the process. Visually the ashes vary greatly from person to person (or pet to pet). Recently I worked with ashes that ranged in pastel pinks to blues.”

Is there any advice you would offer to anybody who is thinking of commissioning a piece of mourning jewellery?

“I would suggest waiting 6 months to a year before parting with any sacred remains of your loved one, be it their ashes, hair, or if neither of those is available, a dried flower from their funeral service or garden. A scrap of their clothing or a piece of a love letter. We can create a reliquary with any tactile object that makes you feel connected to them. I know in the early days of my own grief, in that first year I made regretful decisions, while simultaneously being indecisive.

It’s hard to know what you want when your world has been flipped upside down. With time comes clarity.”

To see more of Margaret’s work or to order a custom piece, visit mourningjewelry.com or @Margaretcross on Instagram

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ILLUSTRATION BY HEEDAYAH LOCKMAN

be strong

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n o i t c i d d A Addiction is defined as a chronic, relapsing disorder characterised by a compulsive behaviour.

This could be substance abuse, gambling or any other harmful behaviour which will result in long lasting changes to the brain after continued use.

It is considered both a complex brain disorder and a mental health illness.

Symptoms those abusing will be aware of • Intense cravings • Tolerance • Withdrawal symptoms • Physical dependence • Drug-seeking behaviours • Financial trouble related to drug use

• Neglecting responsibilities • Isolating behaviours • Engaging in increasingly risky behaviours • Developing unhealthy relationships with people who support addiction

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Signs other people will be aware of • Change in personality and behaviour • Irritability or agitation • Bloodshot eyes • Frequent bloody noses • Shakes or tremors • Lack of motivation

• Slurred speech • Change in their daily routines • Lack of concern for personal hygiene • Unusual need for money • Ongoing financial problems

Diagnosis The first place to seek a diagnosis is with your general practitioner. They will talk through the options available, depending on how severe the addiction is and will discuss what appropriate services are available.

They will do a baseline assessment and create a referral to the addiction team.

The team then allocate a support worker to develop a care plan, taking into account the risks and relapse potential. They maintain medication with a focus on reduction and support.

Treatment Treatment can vary from person to person but will usually involve • Detoxification (detox) • Talking therapies such as Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) • Charity or private therapy clinics

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• Reduction and maintenance clinics • Self-help groups like Narcotics Anonymous (NA) or Alcohol Anonymous (AA)

How to help • Offer to go along with a loved one to meetings • Be there to listen and make them feel safe • Offer alternative ways to occupy their time

• Join a recreational activity class like gardening, pottery, joinery or woodwork • Exercising can make sleeping easier – offer to go swimming, walking or hiking

Resources for support Addaction.org.uk – Support for people with drug, alcohol or mental health issues, and their loved ones.

BeatingAddictions.co.uk – Information about a range of addictive behaviours

and treatments.

M-alliance.org – Organisation led by recovering users which provides information and advocacy for people accessing treatment for drug and alcohol problems.

TalkToFrank.com – Confidential help and advice about drugs.

NACOA.org.uk – National Association for Children of Alcoholics provides

information, support and advice for everyone affected by a parent’s drinking, including adults.

GamblersAnonymous.org.uk – Support groups for anyone wanting to stop gambling.

Turning-point.co.uk – Health and social care services for drug, alcohol and mental health issues.

Growing Pains 69

Des – Sober advocate

When did you first notice that your alcohol use was becoming an issue?

“I would notice the next day after drinking that I didn’t want to do anything, and that I wouldn’t particularly want to go anywhere. That was quite early on in late teenage years and I probably missed work because of that, just feeling really quite down and very, very anxious. Where most people have hangovers, I would get really bad anxiety.”

What was your experience with agoraphobia whilst you were drinking?

“I’ve kind of suffered with agoraphobia and panic attacks even before alcohol entered my life, since I was a young boy, and I still do at times. I was first referred for treatment when I was nine but back then anxiety was very much seen as more common in young girls than boys.

I’d be nervous about going somewhere so I’d have a couple of drinks and that would usually get me through. It sort of dulled the senses and numbed the anxiety, which probably made me more comfortable going out. Initially it was little things like a couple of pints before I went on the train to go out but in the end it was really bad.

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I couldn’t leave the house without having a drink. It was real ridiculous, I was so scared to leave the house at one point and alcohol made me feel a bit braver. It just fools you into thinking you can do stuff and it fools you into thinking you need it. It would be much worse when the drink wore off, it would be worse than being back at square one, it was minus square one.”

Was there a relationship for you between anxiety and alcohol?

“The alcohol got rid of the anxiety basically, it totally eliminated it for a short time. It can seem like a quick fix, I mean I think any doctor will tell you that - a doctor said to me once that’s why they used to keep brandy in every doctor’s kit, because it would calm you down instantly.

It made me a bit bolder and a bit more comfortable in situations but again it’s a vicious circle. It comes back tenfold when the alcohol wears off, so in the interim you need to drink more alcohol. The relationship with alcohol and anxiety was really the fact that the alcohol made me think I could beat the anxiety but in turn it was actually making it worse in the long term.”

What was detox process What was thethe detox process have likelike forfor youyou andand do do youyou have advice anyone who anyany advice forfor anyone who wants to start detoxing? wants to start detoxing?

wasn’tfor forme mebut but we we are all It wasn’t alldifferent differentand andthere thereis ismore morethan thanone oneway way ofof doing doing things things, so I so Iwould wouldjust justsay saytotoanyone anyonetotokeep keepananopen openmind mindwhen whenthey theyare aretrying tryingtotoget gethelp helpor fix or fixsomething somethinginintheir theirlife.” life.”

detox process but obviously “The“The detox process was was longlong but obviously it it to done. be done.

When I started to detox, I had had to be When I started to detox, I through official channels because wentwent through official channels because with with think there DoDo youyou think there is ais a the amount of drinking I’d been doing, it was the amount of drinking I’d been doing, it was stigma around addiction that stigma around addiction that too dangerous to stop. just stop. too dangerous to just The The issueissue was was that that people face?

If so, how face?

If so, how hashas we couldn’t figure out how much drinking people we couldn’t figure out how much I wasI was drinking so put we put a guess number so we a guess markmark number on iton- itI - I that that affected your journey affected your journey to to thought I was drinking about twenty thought I was drinking about twenty canscans a a sobriety? sobriety? maybe a bottle of or gina or a half bottle day day and and maybe a bottle of gin half bottle of on gintop on of topthat. of that. of gin “I think absolutely a stigma around “I think therethere absolutely is a isstigma around addiction.

I think I’mlota more lot more empathetic addiction.

I think I’m a empathetic I started coming down by drinking say sixteen now now I started coming down by drinking say sixteen People others struggling in the too. too.

People see see others struggling in the down to twelve, but guess the guess canscans thenthen down to twelve, but the markmark street street they’re dismissive - ‘there’s and and they’re veryvery dismissive - ‘there’s a a wasn’t accurate I went down too quickly, junkie, wasn’t accurate and and I went down too quickly, junkie, there’s an alkie, they’re just a waste there’s an alkie, they’re just a waste of of which caused to have seizures I space’. which caused me me to have seizures and and I space’.

Everybody has a story, something Everybody has a story, something that that ended hospital for for tenten days. ended up inup a in hospital ward days. affected a reason aswhy to why has has affected themthem and and a reason as to they’ve ended up where You’ve they’ve ended up where theythey are. are.

You’ve got got meant of detox my detox whilst to try ThatThat meant a lotaoflotmy was was donedone whilst to and try and at the human aspect look look at the human aspect of of I was a bit thegame, game but but to anybody I was a bit outout of of the anybody who everything everything really, in any situation. really, in any situation. port of of call is who wants wantstotostart startdetoxing, detoxing,the thefirst first port GP. Ask through call your is your GP. for Asktheforhelp. theGohelp.

Go the It doesn’t It doesn’t matter whether it’s addiction matter whether it’s addiction or or properthe channels, not advisable through properit’s channels, it’sto do notit on money money troubles, we need toaway get away troubles, we need to get fromfrom this this your own unsupervised, definitely not. advisable to do it on your own unsupervised, judgemental in society.

People judge judgemental thingthing in society.

People judge you you definitely not. but they’ve never walked in your shoes. but they’ve never walked in your shoes.

Or atOr at There are great people out there who will help leastleast it affects or their family, until until it affects themthem or their family, but but you, willpeople come out there and see you make that’s There arewho great who willand help that’s fact ofof life life that justjust a afact that happens happens with okay. into it with eyes and with anything you,sure who you’re will come outGo and see you open and make just anythingnot and notaddiction. just addiction. openokay. mindGo and in touch surean you’re intoget it with open with eyesyour and mind ask forand help. and doctor an open get in touch with Asme forIme didfeel not any feel adverse any adverse effect As for did Inot effect fromfrom your doctor and ask for help. being stigmatised against.

I knew I was being stigmatised against.

I knew I was That’s the biggest thing you need to do, just focused; focused; I knew do and I I knew whatwhat I hadI had to doto and why why I askthe for help.

I didn’t down the to Alcoholics That’s biggest thing goyou need do, to itdobut it Ibut I think definitely had had to do think therethere definitely is a is a routeI but I know people stigma just Anonymous ask for help. didn’t go plenty downof the stigma out there is something which out there and and that that is something which who have and still do.

They by it. It needs Alcoholics Anonymous route butswear I know needs be looked to betolooked at.” at.” plenty of people who have and still do.

They swear by it.

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Joan - Addiction nurse

When did you first notice signs of addiction in someone in your life and what were they?

“There are things you notice when you are talking to someone, for example their pupils are usually notably large and their behaviour is very elated or v e r y flat. Sometimes the way they talk will be different, they slur their words and they don’t realise they’re doing it but it’s obvious to you.

It depends how it affects them too – some people might smoke cannabis and not change very much and other people might smoke cannabis and change drastically.

Often when someone is taking drugs they can seem ‘tuned to the moon’ and not realise they are talking at you instead of to you.

If it’s someone close to you, you might notice that the things they talk about when you see them have changed drastically.

Sometimes people who smoke cannabis believe that they see the world a different way to other people and gravitate towards talking about things like conspiracy theories.

People who are taking things like cocaine or amphetamines often lose their social inhibitions and may uncharacteristically overshare personal details. It depends on what they have been taking.

There are people who take cocaine to party or to stay awake longer but before they know it, they need it in their day-to-day activities.

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If it's something like heroin, you can tell from the changes a person’s body will go through.

Even if they try to hide it initially, they will lose weight rapidly. Another giveaway is that when they come down from the drug, they need to eat a lot of sugary things. If you ever watch a regular heroin user in a shop, they will go and pick up things like chocolate bars or fizzy drinks, they won’t go and get themselves something like a sandwich.

In a broader sense, their behaviour changes – they lie and steal then deny it was them.

They withdraw from you and everyone they normally spend time with because they don’t want anybody to know they are using drugs. They miss work and lose their jobs. They lose their friends and/or their friends are always changing. They get in debt, become unwell and ashamed, they have suicidal thoughts.

The most problematic thing is that they won’t talk about what’s happening, they won’t take help and they don’t think they have a problem.”

What’s something you wish more people understood about addiction?

“People need to understand why other people begin to abuse substances.

Sometimes it’s recreational and other times it’s because of an underlying issue like depression, feeling like they don’t fit in to the world, a lack of family structure and support, loneliness or trying to avoid dealing with life.

ILLUSTRATION BY LAOISE TARRANT life. realise Whatwith people don’tpeople realisedon’t when theywhen startthey with life. What What people don’t realise start taking drugs, is that when they get a hold taking drugs, is that when they get a hold of start taking drugs, is that when you, the things you run from only become you,of the things you run from only become of you, the things you run from worse.” worse.” worse.”

What more could What more could What more could thethe healthcare system healthcare system healthcare system andand government be government doing to help government be be doing to help people who are suffering people who people who areare suffering from addictions? from addictions? from addictions?

“The government needs to open government needs “The“The government needs to open moremore rehabilitation long term rehabilitation centres long term centres rehabilitation longrehabilitation term rehabilitation so that so that people can get clean and then so that can get people can people get clean andclean then have thehave the time to look beyond the drugs look beyond timetheto time lookto beyond the drugs and and determine why people have taken them. determine have to taken determine why why theypeople first began take them.That can take a lot of counselling and therapies take a lotaof lot counselling and therapies to Thatcan can take of counselling and to understand the triggers and develop coping understand the triggers and developtheir coping therapies for someone to understand toolsand to stay stay clean instead instead oftools introducing them tools to clean introducing triggers develop copingof to staythem to a methadone problem.” to ainstead methadone problem.” someone to a sober, of introducing methadone problem in an attempt to give them a short-term solution.”

What can you dodo forfor can you do for What can you someone who doesn’t want someone who doesn’t want someone who doesn’t want to seek help themselves? seek help themselves? to seek help themselves?

“People don’t want help need get “People whowho don’t want help need “People who don’t want help needtoto toget get to to the point they do, itit isisif someone to the where do, it is point that that theythey do, but but ififbut someone you care then let you someone youfor then know let them care forcare then for let them them know you are are there support in way would know youto therethem to support in any toare support them in any anythem way that that would them going into them way benefit that would benefit in goingLet into benefit them in in going them into recovery. recovery.

Let them know value them person and recovery.

Let you know you you them value know them as as aa value personthem and let let know you value their friendship.

Show as athem person them know you value knowand youlet value their friendship.

Show and theirempathy friendship. empathy and compassion compassion but but you you also alsoneed need to be firm firm that that you you won’t won’t buy buy drugs drugs for forthem, them, andempathy that won’t give to Show but you that you you and won’tcompassion, give them them money money to buy buy them alsodrugs needeither. to beTell firm thatthat youemotionally won’t buyyou drugs either.

Tell them that emotionally you willfor be them any time they ready drugs them,for and that give be there there for them anyyou timewon’t theyare are ready change that way know themto money either.

Tell you themcare changeto-- buy thatdrugs way they they know you care them aa person just that about emotionally you will be and there for them about them as as person and don’t don’t just see see an addict.” any them time as they ready to change - that them as anare addict.” way they know you care about them as a person and don’t just see them as an addict.”

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ILLUSTRATION BY KATIE SMITH

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Men and Mental Health Paul, Graham and Hugh talk about growing up in the eighties and nineties, what it meant to be a man then and the effect it had on their mental health later in life.

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Paul “Well, being a man in seventies and the eighties, it was difficult times. Things like domestic abuse and racism were a lot more acceptable than they are today. I grew up in a household where showing your feelings wasn’t the done thing. My mum came from a family with ten brothers and sisters and it was common for people to grow up, leave home at sixteen and get on with their lives. It was an emotionless environment. I never went without and there’s no slight on my parents in that respect, but I grew up with a father who was quite notorious in my area for probably all the wrong reasons.

The household would be ruled by his moods and there was a lot of physical abuse and stuff like that if you were to show any sort of emotion. You would be called a ‘wee poof’ if you wanted to do anything artistic. The things that mattered were football and alcohol above all so there was no real nurturing, development or confidence being built.

There are some incidents I remember, maybe when I was around six or seven years old and I’d ended up in a scrape with another boy whilst we were playing football. I think he’d taken my ball from me and we ended up in a fight. I’m not really a fighter so when he hit me, I went home and explained what happened. Obviously, the way I would deal with that nowadays would be to sit down and ask ‘how are you feeling?’ and say, ‘listen walk away, don’t bother with that stuff, that other boy must be quite troubled if that’s what he’s doing’.

That was just the way things were done. If you ask anybody my age who grew up in a housing scheme, that was the kind of stuff that happened.

You think back to it and it’s ridiculous. It’s forcing people to fight. It’s forcing people to be aggressive, and from a very early age you’re being taught that the way you deal with things is through aggression. My dad was a fighter and he controlled everything around him with aggression. He got what he wanted, nobody ever told him no. He ruled the house with an iron rod, it was a very macho, feardriven environment.

The area had particularly high unemployment too. It was going into Thatcher’s Britain you know, where the miners were on strike and there was a lot of poverty. It was difficult.”

Graham “When I was younger it was the norm to go and play football, build dens and play in the street with your pals. People who sat in the house and didn’t come out, or were into something different than everybody else, you would look at them as though they were weird.

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My dad left when I was relatively young and for me, in some ways that was good and in some ways that was bad. When he was still at home, if somebody hit me in the street I’d have to go out and fight them. I’d get told by my dad ‘go out there and batter them or I’ll batter you’. Looking back later on in life that’s the only way he knew how to deal with things, you know what I mean?

When he moved out of the house, on a Friday night my mum and my auntie would have dinner and a couple of drinks and put their records on.

I’d always be dancing about the house and jumping about to the music and singing. I loved that, I loved Michael Jackson films and videos and I wanted to dance about like him. I always remember going to places like parties – birthdays, christenings and weddings, and they’d have a karaoke and they’d say ‘right go on, you sing, watch my boy sing on the karaoke’ or they’d tell you to go up and dance.

Even though I loved all that stuff I’d think ‘I can’t’, cause I knew I would get laughed at. You would get made fun of because people said dancing was for ‘poofs’. If you were dancing about people would say ‘you’re a wee fairy’ and all that stuff.

Nothing creative was nurtured. You weren’t really allowed to think or feel emotion, you had to keep it all in.

For example, say you were at school and had an argument with someone and they punch you in the face, you couldn’t cry. You might have wanted to. It might have felt like somebody has broken your nose and you wanted to burst into tears but you couldn’t. You had to hit them back.

You had to fight.

I think it’s better now for my kids because people talk about their feelings and it’s more acceptable to do different kinds of things. In the same breath I don’t envy anyone growing up in this generation where everything is all about social media and the pressure that comes with that.”

Hugh “I was brought up in a town known for its shipbuilding in the eighties. My mum and dad were really good, kind, hardworking and loving people. I went to bed every night knowing I was cared for, fed, clothed, loved etc. I was always encouraged to do the best I could at whatever I was interested. I'll always be eternally grateful to them for that.

My upbringing wasn't well off or lavished with loads of excess. I wasn't spoiled but I felt I wanted for nothing. It was a hard place to grow up in at times and it was no countryside idyll, plus the eighties were a period of huge change for the town, as the shipyards were in their death throes by then and many people were losing their jobs. I was brought up between tenement flats and high rise flats but trust me, those were (or could be) some great places to grow up, and to grow up with some really good, interesting people.

I suppose the gender roles or stereotypes were still quite traditional in that many of the men were the 'workers', and by that I mean people who went to work to earn money. The women were mostly part time 'workers' but full time looking

after their families and home life, which we all know is where the real work lies. Men probably got off lightly back then.

I was brought up in a home like that I guess but it was a system that worked and I have to stress, it was not a system whereby either of my parents were unhappy or even gender specific. My dad was a kind, courteous and caring man and looked after us, and that was exactly the same with my mum. I was very lucky and they both worked together in a true partnership really, of which I no doubt benefited immensely from. They just worked so well with each other.

As a man in that generation, I suppose it was still the time of more gender defined stereotypes (men were workers, drinkers, fighters etc. women were mothers, carers, stuck at home etc.) but I wasn't really exposed to much of that.

I had to stand up for myself right enough whether at school or in the street and there probably wasn't an onus on talking everything out like today but you just got on with it and like I said, I knew I was very much loved and cared for. I could talk to my folks.”

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Paul “I can only talk about my experience and the men that I grew up with and the men who were around me. I don’t know about limits, but the role models I had were unfortunately men who robbed banks and sold drugs, men who killed people and were in the newspaper a lot. My dad included, he was in jail for murder and things like that. Those were the role models I had and I would kind of aspire to be like these guys.

When I was young my mum said to me that I’d be out fighting for the rest of my days because of my name, because my dad was so well known. I was tarred with that same brush, which went both ways. Sometimes that notoriety got me into a lot of trouble over the years and sometimes it saved me. I didn’t know how to talk about it so I internalised it. I became a fearful kid but I was running about in an environment where it was absolutely impossible to show fear, to speak about feelings, anxiety, insecurity or anything like that.”

Graham “When I was younger, I went to a private acting school for a year. Somebody saw me in a school play and gave me a scholarship for a year, but after that year I would have to pay. My mum was a single parent and she was willing to make sacrifices. She said, ‘if you want to go, we’ll do it, we’ll make it work somehow’.

So, I told one of the boys who lived upstairs in our block of flats who was my best friend. He then went and told all of the other boys and I got slated for it. I got so much abuse that in the end I told my mum I wasn’t going.

It might have gone nowhere but I just think to myself, I wonder what would have happened if I

would have pursued that. Now that I’m older, I really enjoy performing. I play music in a band and I love the feeling of going on stage so sometimes I just wonder how that one would have turned out. The place I grew up in was really rough and people thought you were weird if you didn’t want to be a football player.

Obviously at that time, our parents just didn’t really know. A lot of people’s beliefs and values – it wasn’t that they were wrong, it was just all they knew. I wonder now if people had been a bit more nurturing or open to different things or educated more... I think they only knew that life was hard.”

Hugh “I think it was just different times and days.

Pre-internet times account for a lot of things and different social interactions. Things were just different. I have to be honest and say I was always given space and encouragement if I was

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interested in things. I liked football – I grew up in a very football oriented place, but maybe not as much as cars, music, art amongst others. Those were my real passions.

Those were all encouraged and nurtured really. If I was interested in something specific I would get gifts related to it at Christmas or birthdays to support me. II suppose suppose itit 'could' could have been different if I wanted to do something unusual for the times or maybe even aimed more for girls or a different gender stereotype - I'll never know. If I'm honest, I think anything I wanted to do would have been encouraged and nothing would be off limits.

Being raised in a standard industrial town then, I'd doubt I would have had a ballet school or anything like that for me to attend (just using that as an example) but I'd say if I had expressed an interest in that, it would have been encouraged by my parents if not my friends. Possibly nowadays these things would not be an issue at all. I think things are much more open now and there's a lot less 'boys play soldiers or football' and 'girls play with dolls or skipping' type of attitudes that were prevalent then.”

Paul “I grew up in a very tough housing scheme. The impact of that kind of environment, especially at home… Sometimes you could be surrounded by psychopaths – guys who were crazy, guys who actually enjoyed going out and stabbing people, who wanted to fight with people.

my head but eventually, I visited my doctor and asked to speak to a psychologist. I described what was happening and she told me that it sounded like an obsessive compulsive disorder anxiety, where I was ruminating on these obsessive thoughts.

You would find yourself running about with these sorts of guys and inside you would know everything was wrong and you didn’t want to be there. You’re really, very scared but you would find yourself getting carried along in this wave.

We grew up in this place where you didn’t use the police. If you stepped out of line, you got attacked or you got slashed. You would see stuff like that happening on a daily basis.

Over the years I learned a lot about anxiety and I learned that anxiety always has a peak. All the stuff happening with your system; the adrenaline, the blood rushing, the fight or flight response – it can only last so long.

I never thought that I had anxiety problems but when I came out of rehab, I started to find out what anxiety was. After I had been clean for a year, I started to get hundreds of horrible intrusive thoughts. They were all sexual and violent. I was kind of convincing myself that I was mentally ill, that I had damaged myself.

I couldn’t speak to anybody about it because I was so embarrassed about what was going on in

It always has a peak, and say this peak is at ten. Most people with social anxiety will leave a situation when their anxiety reaches eight, not realising if they had just waited another five, ten, fifteen minutes, the trajectory would start to go back down.

The way that I deal with my anxiety is through physical exercise and making sure I do enough self-care. Getting up in the morning, running and sorting out my serotonin levels. In points throughout my recovery, I’ve had to go on medication for anxiety and that’s something I’m okay with because it can get a bit overwhelming at times.”

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Graham “I think growing up in the late eighties into the nineties and the way society was - especially in rougher areas, again as I said it’s not that it was bad people, it was just hard living and that was just the way that you were meant to be. However, I think the impact on people from my age group is starting to show. Suicide is really rife, it’s very prominent in people of my age. I think it’s because so much is pent up, so much is held inside for so long.

There’s so much pressure on people with life now because life has completely changed. Your outlook and your views, what you’re expected to do and what you’re expected to have. The birth of the internet and social media. It’s had a significant impact on mental health because people are not meant to show their emotions.

You’re not meant to have a bad day. You’re not meant to tell people that you’re not coping.

I think that change has had a huge, detrimental effect on people because when they were younger, they were told that big boys don’t cry, you’ve got to be a man. You’ve got to go out and you’ve got to work hard and bring back the bacon and provide. You’ve got to do this and you’ve got to do that.

I think getting to my age after growing up in an environment where you’re not meant to talk about things, you’re supposed to be hard and not show anything, and then you’re suddenly in a world where it’s all about cultivating an image.

Everybody wants to look good, that’s why you take sixteen pictures and you pick the best one and you put it on Facebook. Somebody else out there is feeling crap, looking at their social media and thinking why is everyone else living so good? Why are they so happy? Why is my life so bad?

I think as guys we’re conditioned to size each other up and look out for weaknesses in one another. So, if you’re on social media looking at somebody who you went to school with, you think ‘they’ve got an amazing lifestyle, they’ve got an amazing wife or husband, amazing kids, good job, nice cars and holidays’. You’re sitting there comparing but you don’t know the reality, they might be under all sorts of financial pressure and just keeping their head above the water. You might actually be quite lucky with what you have in life. You might have a lot of friends, family or loved ones around you.”

Hugh “I'm an only child so I've always struck out on my own and it doesn't faze me really. I've been all over the world now on my own at times. If I wanted to do something, such as learning the guitar, I did it and was lucky to be encouraged. I suppose when that took over a little and I started getting really into it then it possibly came into conflict with high school and exams.

I didn't like my high school, nothing against anyone but I probably didn't fit in too well so I withdrew into myself and my music/guitar. I'd say that was quite a tough time as I just didn't want to

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be there and it was hard to talk stuff like that out.

Not because I was told to be quiet, it’s just a difficult period of life for anyone and we've got a lot going on inside at those times being a teenager. I probably suffered a little bit with that if I'm honest and it wasn't a hugely easy or happy time. Although not always, I still enjoyed a healthy relationship with my parents most of the time and my friends (or the friends I talked to at least). I'm sure my folks didn't know what to do with me at times but that’s the perks of raising kids and especially teenagers I suppose.”

Paul “I can’t really put a finger on it but I think there’s been moments in my childhood which resulted in me just emotionally shutting down. The first thing that I can remember is going internal and into this place of fantasy. Fantasy was a big thing for me as a kid, I would kind of get lost in myself. I would go internal and lose myself in football and other things like that. I always had a vivid sense of imagination. I realised that the way I was thinking and the way I perceived the world was a frightening place for me.

Being around a lot of the people I grew up with, I suffered a lot of trauma as a kid and I think that escapism can be a coping strategy to deal with that. As I got older, I became an intravenous heroin addict when I was about nineteen and that continued right through until I got clean at thirty-three. Nowadays, my outlets are things like music, speaking and learning to deal with my emotions in a different way.”

Graham “When I was younger, I loved playing football. I loved drawing too, I used to sit for hours and design my own football strips. I loved listening to music and trying to play it. I could get lost in music – I’d put on headphones and just drift away into it. It would take me to this whole different place. With music you can shut your eyes and imagine something beyond the reality that you’re in, and that would always help me.

saying. I'll listen to somebody speaking and think ‘wow I’ve felt like that’. If they say, ‘this is what I’ve done to feel better’, I’ll go try it for myself.

Now that I’m older, what’s really helping me is speaking to people and listening to people. That is the big one, listening. It’s good to talk and get everything out, sometimes you need to blurt it all out and it’s like a monkey off your back, but I think a real benefit is listening to other people.

From that you realise that everybody is just the same. Everybody has feelings, everybody has good days, bad days.

I started a music and mental health workshop for men and I’ve found that through listening to some of the people coming in and chatting, you learn more about yourself through what they’re

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Music is still a massive thing that really, really keeps me going. It's something I can throw myself into. Like I said, I need structure in my life. I need focus in my day to day life and when I’ve not got that I fall apart.

I’ve put on a lot of weight since I broke my leg so I want to start looking after my body again because you only get one. I’m trying to

look at exercising more and what’s going to be good for my diet, what food, supplements etc. will make me function a bit better. Having that in my head about bettering myself and looking after myself in my mind and body is working for me right now too. As much as we all think we’re invincible, we need to look after ourselves.”

Hugh “As I mentioned, I've played guitar since I was twelve and I'd say that was my release. In some ways (albeit different now) it still is.

First was learning it - still learning today and that will never stop but I mean learning from being a beginner, then on to my first times playing with others, to being in bands and writing songs.

All those phases were probably wrapped around the ages of thirteen to seventeen and it was a great outlet to disappear into. I didn't really have much else until getting a bit older and getting into pubs, nightclubs, gigs etc. All that was on the go by the early to midnineties, plus the whole music, drinking and drugs scenes going on. I've

changed as I've gotten older as I no longer drink, take drugs, or even enjoy a party as I maybe once did.

I've not taken any drugs for over a decade or drank alcohol for around seven years. I try and run for physical fitness and mental health wellbeing. I try and watch my weight and stay BMI green now. I was probably always a bit overweight as a child and adult up until my thirties. I enjoy art - drawing and painting plus photography alongside my music and guitars. I still get a buzz from a guitar though, playing a gig or hearing a song I've written or played on still gives me enormous satisfaction.”

Graham “I think people start drinking and taking drugs because it blocks out something. They want to get obliterated to a point where they’re stupefied. For a lot of people, it’s a social thing too. We’re always doing what our dad’s used to do; finish

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work on a Friday and go to the pub... Go to the pub on a Friday, go to the pub on a Saturday and never see your kids because you’re out working all week and spending the weekend in the boozers.

that’s kindkind of theofstart that lifestyle So, I Ithink think that’s the ofstart of that and booze cultures thenand if people any lifestyle and booze and culture then have if people problems, that’s whatthat’s they revert to. Orrevert like me, have any problems, what they to. theylike want courage.

People need Or me,some they Dutch want some Dutch courage. that one need or twothat to get andtothen People one going or two get they’re going looking for that next thing. alcohol or and then they’re lookingWhether for thatit’snext thing. smoking green or snorting cocaine, before Whether it’s alcohol or smoking green you or know it, it’s got a grip of you. controlling you snorting cocaine, before you It’s know it, it’s got a and your lifestyle to grip of you.

It’s because controllingyou youneed andthatyour function. because you need that to function. lifestyle

I’m not against anybody who wants to use recreational drugs. If people want to go get drunk all night that’s fine but I know for a fact that when I’m in a bad mood and I start drinking it’s only going one way, it’s a slippery slope because alcohol is a depressant. If you’re already not feeling good about yourself and you add alcohol into the mix, it only makes it ten times worse.

Anything stupid that I’ve ever done and any of my problems in life, I could probably start the story off by saying I was drunk.”

Hugh “I can only speak for myself in that I was part of growing up and reaching the age to go out drinking when the whole dance or even Britpop/guitar music thing was going in the nineties. Again, pre-internet days were such different times. It was based on clubs, gigs, nights out, drinking and taking drugs. I was part of a group of pals all into the same kind of music and into getting the full experience, going to Ibiza for the whole dance scene thing then etc.

It was great just being part of that fraternity or whatever and having a good time. Maybe it's a case of feeling as if you belong in a group and

you get the highs and hits, not only from the drinking or drugs but the gang/group/fraternity socialising etc. It’s a potent drug on its own, that feeling of togetherness with a group of fellow humans. The drugs possibly around then tended to lend themselves to such scenarios - off your head singing a chorus in a field with 50,000 others (most of whom you don't know) is very, very powerful. It’s easy to see how chasing that feeling can become addictive and possibly problematic for people.”

Paul “My experience being somebody who’s been through active addiction and who’s been in recovery for a long time, for me it’s all about the internal stuff. When I went into rehab fifteen years ago, I was of the opinion that what I had was a drug problem and if I take away the drug problem then I’ll be okay. I thought I’d go out after rehab, get a job with one of my mates selling drugs, make a few quid and stay on the straight and narrow. But once I went into rehab, I found out that it wasn’t the drugs that were the problem, it was me.

It was the internal feelings, the underlying feelings of shame, anger, remorse and resentment. I spent such a long time in addiction and a lot of that time I was in it against my will. I knew the damage I was doing by stealing money off my family. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I couldn’t stop because when I stopped, I just could not cope with life. I found life far too difficult. I thought drugs took all of my problems away and helped me cope, but it drove me into a world of fear and isolation.”

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Paul “For me most definitely. In the nineties it was about twenty pounds for an ecstasy tablet. You used to take one and be wired for about three days with it. I went from somebody who really only smoked a bit of hash and drank at the weekend to these party drugs becoming a way of life. I noticed the difference in myself when I took these drugs, what it would do to my confidence.

Looking back, I started with one. Then it would be two. Then I took three, I took four, I took five.

It would just be constantly progressing, progressing.

In the nineties there was a lot of temazepam, you used to get three for a pound and these things were insane. I loved them, they were brilliant.

You would take them then wake up and you wouldn’t know what you had done. You’d wake up in police cells and you would be totally and utterly zombified. Then slowly but surely, you would find yourself taking them during the week. It would progress. It would always progress. Next thing, you’d find yourself taking twenty and thirty in a night and then it became a problem.

I suppose I did take cocaine back then but I ended up getting more into cocaine when I was a using addict. I ended up with a bit of a crack cocaine problem for a while where I was smoking a lot of it. I injected cocaine as well but what lead me into that was, we would all be at the dancing and it would be great. We would go back to house parties and when you’re up so high, you would then need to come down.

I had a really bad injury to my arm when I was about nineteen, they were going to amputate my arm.

I ended up on painkillers, on dihydrocodeine, and that was what lead me to heroin. I had gone from party drugs like ecstasy and cocaine to downers like temazepam. Once I got to opioids that was it. The game was over. All control I had was gone. It was totally gone. It got to the stage where all the things I said I wouldn’t do, they were done.”

Graham “I was driving to my mum’s house like I’d done hundreds of times before and I lost control of my Vespa. I was sliding into the gap in the middle of the road and I realised if I went through the gap, I was going into oncoming traffic, so instead I had to crash head on into a wall. I broke my leg

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in two places and I had ligament and muscular damage to my knees, hips and lower back so when I went to hospital, I was on strong painkillers like morphine and after some sleepless nights in hospital, I was sent home with more pain relief.

After a week or so I was hallucinating - I was seeing ants in my bed and things like that. When the painkillers wore off, I would start to feel really agitated, frustrated and angry. After a while that turned into a feeling of really bad anxiety.

If somebody dropped a pen or the kids changed the TV channel, I would jump out of my skin. I was strung out because I wasn’t sleeping even with the painkillers and I wasn’t going anywhere. I just sat in one place all day long. When the painkillers wore off the withdrawal was horrible too. I was constantly on edge apart from when I’d feel the tablets kick in.

asleep where I was on the couch with my leg in a brace. Eventually when I did start getting a bit better and going out, I was petrified.

I was worried and thinking to myself ‘I’m getting addicted’. I could feel myself becoming reliant on the tablets so I stopped taking them. I took only paracetamol and ibuprofen, and don’t get me wrong I was in a lot more pain physically but the cravings started disappearing. After that though, I started jumping out of my skin whenever I went into the front garden on my crutches and heard noises like cars going by. I still had this feeling of being ultra-alert that wouldn’t go away.

All the sitting about had an effect on me too but I didn’t know I was depressed. I felt like I had no control over anything and that everything in my life was upside down. I had no structure or routine. I was used to being busy with the kids, going from nursery to school, to work and now I had nothing. I didn’t know what I was dealing with and I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I was snappy and irritable.

People would come to see me and I would pretend I was going to my bed so that I could get rid of them. I didn’t want anybody near me but I didn’t know why.

I didn’t know it the time but I’d started falling into a really deep depression. Prior to this accident I’d had a couple of deaths in my family so I had a lot of time to be thinking about that kind of stuff, which was all dragged up by the stretch of free time in front of me. After I stopped taking the painkillers, I started drinking at night when I couldn’t sleep. I’d try to get really drunk so I could just fall

I’d feel like everyone was looking at me and I didn’t know what was happening to me. I was absolutely petrified so the only way I felt like I could deal with it was getting wasted so I could relax and let my guard down. When I was going out to places like the local pub for lunch, I’d have two pints then go up to the bar and get a bottle of beer, or I’d need to get a half of vodka or something. If I went to a gig, I wouldn’t even remember getting home.

I woke up after a gig with a form from a St. John’s ambulance because I’d slipped and cracked my skull. I told them I was fine and to leave me alone but they assessed me and got to me sign a waiver. I don’t even remember any of it I was so drunk at the time. I was getting myself in these situations because I just couldn’t go out, I couldn’t be around people.”

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Graham “A lot of people don’t know until it’s too late. They don’t know until they’re seriously ill or seriously addicted and they’ve lost everything. If you’re somebody who goes out for a drink and frequently uses something like cocaine – if you can’t go for a couple of drinks without making a phone-call for someone to drop that off, you’ve got a problem. You need to have a drink and take that to socialise and be around people and that’s an issue.

With me, I couldn’t go play a gig without having a few beers in me. As much as I say I love performing and being on stage, I’d need to have

a drink to get myself relaxed enough where I wouldn’t be worried about it. Whereas now, I’m at the stage where I can go on completely sober. I can also go and have three or four beers and be fine too, but there’s no longer the feeling that I need to do that. I learned through attending my workshop and speaking to other guys that I have a problem, because I’m going out to the pub then coming home and fighting with my wife. I’m being nasty and horrible, and all the things that I’m holding inside is coming out when I’m drunk. If that’s happening to you, I’d say those are tell-tale signs that you’ve got some issues there that you need to address.”

Paul “I was talking to a boy that I sponsor today and I was telling him that personally I think drugs and alcohol are great when you can control them. I was taking ecstasy and cocaine on the dance scene when it first blew up in the late eighties, early nineties – The Stone Roses and stuff like that. When I could control it, it was okay.

However, by doing a lot of work on myself I was able to look back and see with the benefit of hindsight that all these drugs were just gateway drugs. I always swore that I would never take heroin. I would never, ever, ever take heroin and sure as hell I did. I ended up an intravenous user, going to rehab with no veins left, blood borne viruses, everything. I lost control quite early.

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I work with people every day and I see some who won’t admit that they are losing control. If you’re worried about yourself or a friend, there will be certain behaviours which are a part of a person’s life when they are losing control to addiction.

There are seven main ones: justifying, rationalising, minimising, blame, isolation, self-pity and denial. Denial is probably one of the big ones, denial and self-pity. Those were my two ones, because it was everybody else’s fault that I was in the state that I was in. Then I went into rehab and soon got all that stuff out. My illusions got shattered. Sometimes people these days, especially with cocaine and stuff like that, people have lost control and they just don’t know it.”

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ILLUSTRATION BY COOPER MARTIN

Psychosis

ILLUSTRATION BY ROSALIND SHRINIVAS

Psychosis is a psychiatric term for losing touch with reality.

During a psychotic episode, a person might have sensory experiences that do not exist and/or persistant beliefs with no basis in reality, known as delusions. They may see or hear things that do not exist, which can be frightening for the person and their loved ones.

Psychosis is classically associated with schizophrenic disorders.

Although there are other symptoms for schizophrenia, one of the defining symptoms is experiencing psychosis.

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Symptoms Symptoms Disorganisation– –InInthought, thought,speech speechoror behaviour.

Disorganisation behaviour.

Hallucinations– –Hearing, Hearing,seeing seeingororfeeling feelingthings things which not exist.

Hallucinations which dodo not exist.

Catatonia– –Entering Enteringananunresponsive unresponsive state.

Catatonia state.

Disorderedthinking thinking– –Jumping Jumpingbetween betweenunrelated unrelatedtopics topics and making abnormal Disordered and making abnormal connectionswith withloose loosecorrelations. correlations.This Thisisiswhen whena aperson person sees a connection connections sees a connection betweentwo twotopics topicswhere wherethere thereare areclearly clearly connections. between nono connections.

Delusions– –False Falsebeliefs, beliefs,especially especiallybased basedononfear fear suspicions about Delusions oror suspicions about situationsthat thataren’t aren’treal. real. situations

Hallucinations The most Hallucinationscan canaffect affectany anyofofthe thesenses senses(sight, (sight,sound, sound,smell, smell,taste tasteand andtouch). touch).

The most common giving commentary onon what thethe person commonexamples examplesofofauditory auditoryhallucinations hallucinationsare area avoice voice giving commentary what person isisdoing, thethe doing,aavoice voicerepeating repeatingwhat whatthe theperson personisisthinking, thinking,ororseveral severalvoices voicestalking talkingabout about person personaffected affectedwith withpsychosis, psychosis,often oftennegatively. negatively.

The Themost mostcommon commonexamples examplesofofdelusions delusionsare areparanoid paranoiddelusions delusionsorordelusions delusionsof ofgrandeur. grandeur.

During believing other people or or Duringparanoid paranoiddelusions, delusions,the theperson personmay maybecome becomevery verysuspicious, suspicious, believing other people organisations organisationsare areplotting plottingtotocause causethem themharm. harm.They Theymight mightbegin begintotoperceive perceivenon-existent non-existant threats to to hurt them threats ininevery everyday daylife, life,such suchasasthinking thinkingone oneofoftheir theircoworkers coworkersis isplanning planning hurt them ororthat thattheir theirhouse houseisisunder undersurveillance. surveillance.

Delusions are going Delusionscan canbe bemore moreextreme extremetoo, too,a aperson personmay maybebeconvinced convincedextra-terrestrials extra-terrestrials are going totocome into their home or that other people want to steal their identity.

This can be hard forfor come into their home or that other people want to steal their identity. This can be hard others to empathise with or take seriously at first, and the person themselves may initially bebe others to empathise with or take seriously at first, and the person themselves may initially somewhat aware that these delusions are strange and struggle to share how they are feeling. somewhat aware that these delusions are strange and struggle to share how they are feeling.

During During delusions delusionsofofgrandeur, grandeur,a aperson personmay mayhave haveclearly clearlyfalse falsebut butvery verystrong strongbeliefs beliefsin in having special abilities or powers they might believe that they are a world leader or religious having special abilities or powers - they might believe that they are a world leader or religious icon. icon.

Depending slowly.

InIn slow cases there may bebe Dependingon onthe thecause, cause,psychosis psychosiscan cancome comeononquickly quicklyoror slowly. slow cases there may milder initial symptoms of psychosis such as milder initial symptoms of psychosis such as • •Feelings Feelingsofofsuspicion suspicion • General • Generalanxiety anxiety • •Distorted perceptions Distorted perceptions • Depression • Depression • •Obsessive Obsessivethinking thinking • •Sleep problems Sleep problems– –insomnia insomniaororfatigue fatigue

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Early detection detection signs signs Early Receiving a diagnosis of psychosis for someone as early as possible will improve longGetting a diagnosis of psychosis for someone as early as possible will improve theirtheir long-term term outcome.

Recognising the signs quickly can be difficult because sometimes symptoms outcome. Recognising the signs quickly can be difficult, as sometimes symptoms can initially (including delusions) aren't initially taken seriously uponSome by friends appear relative to a current situation the person is and goingacted through. early and signsfamily. in young people can be poor performance in school or work for a long period of time, becoming more Symptoms may appear relativemore to a distressed current situation the person is going through, socially withdrawn or becoming and agitated but unable to explain why.or they can be passed off as misunderstandings or jokes. Although most symptoms appear between the ages of 18-24, they can begin as late as 30 or as early as 13.

Some early signs in young people might be poor performance in school or work for a long period of time, becoming more socially withdrawn or becoming more distressed and agitated but unable to explain why.

Causes

Brain changes – Alterations in brain structure and the changes of certain chemicals are found in people diagnosed with psychosis. Some people with a history of psychosis have reduced grey matter in their brain which may explain the effect psychosis has on thought processing.

Causes

Pregnancy – Postpartum psychosis occurs very after giving birth (normally two Brain changes – alterations in brain structure andsoon the changes of certain chemicalswithin are found weeks).

The exact cause is unknown but some researchers believe the onset is due to disrupted in people diagnosed with psychosis. Some people with a history of psychosis have sleep andgrey changes in hormonal levels. reduced matter in their brain which may explain the effect psychosis has on thought

processing.

Lifestyle – Extreme stress, drug use and hormonal changes can induce psychosis in people with a genetic disposition to develop thevery disorder.

Methylphenidate (a common ADHD Pregnancy – postpartum psychosis occurs soon after giving birth, normally within two medication also known as Ritalin, Adderal or Concerta) can also create a stimulant-induced weeks. The exact cause is unknown but some researchers believe the onset is due to disrupted psychosis. sleep and changes in hormonal levels.

Lifestyle – extreme stress, drug use and hormonal changes can induce psychosis in people with a genetic disposition to develop the disorder. Methylphenidate (a common ADHD medication also known as Ritalin, Adderal or Concerta) can also create a stimulant-induced psychosis.

Diagnosis

Diagnosis

The condition is first diagnosed during an examination where history, symptoms, experiences, thoughts and daily activities will be discussed.

There are no biological tests to determine psychosis due to it history, being a symptoms, mental health condition, The condition is first diagnosed during an examination where experiences, however and drugdaily interactions, effects, toxins or delirium (the sudden onset of a confused thoughts activities side will be discussed. mental state) can cause similar symptoms, so laboratory tests are common to check for another potential These laboratory might due be to a iturine or a There are diagnosis. no biological tests to determinetests psychosis beingsample, a mentalbrain healthscan condition, electroencephalography (E.E.G.) which toxins tests electrical and may help rule out however drug interactions, side effects, or deliriumactivity (the sudden onset of to a confused delirium, epilepsy or a head injury. mental state) can cause similar symptoms, so laboratory tests are common to check for another potential diagnosis. These laboratory tests might be a urine sample, brain scan or an electroencephalography which tests electrical activity and may help to rule out delirium, epilepsy or a head injury.

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Treatments Anti-psychotic drugs Treatment with this class of drugs is the most common therapy for psychosis. They work by blocking message transmissions in the brain, which can reduce symptoms. Although this can be the most effective form of treatment, side effects are common and can vary from drowsiness, shaking and trembling, weight gain, restlessness, blurred vision, dizziness, loss of libido, dry mouth and muscles spasms.

These side effects can be severe but they can also lessen over time as the body becomes used to the drug. If a person is struggling with any side effects, they can contact their GP or their community psychiatric nurses to discuss changing their medication. Finding the right medication and dosage can take a few tries. .

Psychological treatment There are a number of these treatments available and they can reduce the anxiety caused by psychosis.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) for psychosis is based on an understanding of how a person makes sense of their experiences and how to avoid accompanying distress. A CBT therapist may encourage the person to try different ways of understanding what is happening to them. The aim is to help them identify and achieve meaningful goals like reducing stress, regaining a sense of control, and returning to work, education or training.

Family intervention This is a way of helping both the person and their family process the condition and move forward. After having an episode of psychosis, someone may rely on their family members for care and support.

Whilst most family members are happy to help, the stress of caring for someone and uncertainty of the future can place a strain on any family, so it can be beneficial to receive psychiatric support. Family therapy involves a series of meetings which take place over three months or more.

Meetings include discussing the condition and how it might progress, available treatment options, exploring ways of supporting one another, and deciding how to solve practical issues such as managing any future psychotic episodes.

Self-help groups A person experiencing episodes of psychosis might benefit from being around other people who have had similar experiences. Community support groups and mental health charities have a range of services to connect with other people going through the same thing.

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Hospitalisation If someone is experiencing a particularly severe psychotic episode and their loved ones are worried about danger occurring to them or others, they can be detained at a hospital under The Mental Health Act of 1983. If someone is detained under the Act, they can receive treatment without their consent if it is deemed absolutely necessary, however every effort will be made first for consent to be given for any treatment.

The Mental Health Act is there to guide mental health workers to ensure that no harm comes to a person or their loves ones during a severe episode of psychosis, and that they are supported whilst their condition improves.

How you can be there for a loved one who is going through a period of psychosis • Make them feel like they can tell you everything but don’t react negatively if they won’t. It’s better to hear about events even if they aren’t real, than to make someone feel like they can’t talk to you anymore.

• Try not to deny a person’s reality or argue with them about the logistics of their delusions. Keep your voice calm and quiet, and respect their personal space.

• Paranoia can make people can feel suspicious about any relationship they have with any person. Try not to take any suspicion or loss of trust personally.

• Pointing out to a person that they are having a psychotic episode will not suddenly change the way their mind is working and revert their senses back to reality.

• Do your best to take concerns and fears seriously but try not to encourage them either. If you are struggling with the right words, try to be supportive without necessarily agreeing, statements like ‘that sounds scary’ can be a good way to keep an open line of communication with someone.

• Avoid using metaphors or sarcasm as this could lead to misunderstandings.

• Keep their treatment team informed to make sure everyone involved in their care is on the same page and up to date with all information. A treatment team (including doctors) can’t speak to you directly about their patient due to confidentiality laws, but if you believe there is something they should know, there are ways to get in touch. You can get a message through to them by calling them and leaving a voicemail, writing them a letter, calling the patient’s GP directly, or even asking the police to relay your message to their GP.

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Growing Pains 93

ILLUSTRATION BY HALI IGWELAEZOH

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Symptoms There are mainly five different types of schizophrenia which have different sets of symptoms.

Paranoid schizophrenia This is characterised by delusions and hallucinations which make the person struggle to identify what is real and what is not. This type is considered the most common and initially symptoms can seem ordinary or realistic, especially in relation to other stressors like relationships, friendships, family, work and education. The onset of symptoms is usually between the ages of 18 to 30 and these symptoms include • • • • • • •

Experiencing things which others don't through senses like sight, sound and taste Unusual thoughts or beliefs Isolating behaviour A lack of interest in personal hygiene and self-care Suspicion and fear of other people and their motives Difficulty concentrating Abnormal body sensations (hardening, stretching, hollowness) which have no medical cause

Hebephrenic or disorganised schizophrenia This is characterised by disorganised behaviour and speech with a disturbance to emotional expressions. Hallucinations and delusions are less common with this type although the disorder can be so severe that it can render the affected person unable to communicate in an understandable way. The onset of symptoms is usually between the ages of 15 to 29 and they include • Repetition of phrases and words • Lack of impulse control • Strange or purposeless behaviours • Neglect of personal hygiene • Shifting between topics with no obvious connection • Using made up words • Using words which rhyme without any meaning • Unpredictable or inappropriate emotional responses - they may sometimes laugh at sad things, or exhibit the 'flat effect' where they show little to no emotion with their facial expressions, tone and mannerisms

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Residual schizophrenia This is characterised by a history of psychosis where there are continuing non-psychotic symptoms including • • • •

Memory problems Slow movements Lack of hygiene Difficulty concentrating

Schizoaffective Disorder This is where a person experiences schizophrenic symptoms and symptoms of a mood disorder. If a person has schizophrenic symptoms and major depressive episodes, this is known as the 'depressive type'. Those who experience schizophrenic symptoms and depressive episodes alongside episodes of mania are known to have the 'bipolar type'. Symptoms can be different for each person but generally there may be • • • • • •

Delusional beliefs Auditory or visual hallucinations Manic episodes where they don't feel the need to sleep and seem to have a lot of energy Depression Difficulty excelling in school or work as well as maintaining relationships Behaviour which seems out of the ordinary or significantly impulsive

Schizophrenia with catatonia This used to be a type of schizophrenia but now it's widely understood that catatonia can happen alongside any medical condition. A person can move between the three forms of catatonia - akinetic (slow movements, mute speech), excited (moving quickly and appearing manic) and malignant which is very dangerous (fever, delirium, organ failure, increased heart and breathing rates). Symptoms can include • • • • • • •

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Stupor (a near unconscious state) Mutism (no verbal communication) Repeating words Repeating movements Copying the body movements of others Unusual facial expressions Waxy flexibility (a person will allow their limbs to be moved and may hold them in that position)

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Cause The specific cause of schizophrenic spectrum disorders are unknown but it's thought that a combination of factors can lead to their development • • • •

Stressful events - moving home, losing a job, losing a loved one Environment Brain chemistry Birth complications Strong cannabis use - research shows that cannabis users are six times more likely to develop schizophrenia, especially if they start using it before the age of eighteen • Genetics - people with schizophrenia often have a genetic predisposition for developing the disorder. Research shows that schizophrenia and bipolar disorder may share a common genetic disease.

Diagnosis There is no test for schizophrenia and it can be difficult to diagnose due to the fact many people who have it don't believe they are unwell. Some recreational drugs can cause schizophrenia-like symptoms too.

After the first episode of psychosis or symptoms of schizophrenia, a person will normally be referred by their doctor to an early intervention team. This team consists of a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a mental health nurse, a social worker and a support worker.

The team specialises in providing treatment and support for people experiencing symptoms for the first time. A psychiatrist will make a diagnosis after a full psychological assessment of the symptoms. Some areas don't have early intervention teams but no matter where you are, you should have access to a crisis or home treatment team.

Symptoms are separated into three main categories.

Positive symptoms are symptoms which "add" to a person's behaviour - these are hallucinations, delusions, repetitive movements.

Negative symptoms "detract" from a person's behaviour - these are difficulties communicating, apathy, poor hygiene, low sex drive, withdrawing from social activities.

Cognitive symptoms are anything which relate to functions of the mind. These are disorganised thinking, memory issues, and difficulties with paying attention or focusing.

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Treatment Medication Antipsychotics can have a range of side effects, which means it may take a while for someone to find the right medication for them. Even when the right medication is found, it should be reviewed at least once a year. If a person has tried two types of antipsychotics which didn't work for them, they are able to try clozapine. This can work for some people who are treatment resistant but it can be a very dangerous medication due to its side effects. It's often used as a last resort and frequent blood tests are necessary to monitor any damage clozapine may cause. Although it can be dangerous, the side effects are known to lessen once a person's body becomes adjusted.

Psychosocial treatments Talking treatments like CBT, psychoeducation, art therapies and family therapies.

Coping strategies There are resources like hearing-voices.org which have information and support including local support groups, and there are forums like voicesforum.org where people can discuss living with schizophrenia.

Physical health Diet, exercise and healthy sleep patterns are beneficial for overall wellbeing. Without these, symptoms can be worse.

It's important to stick to treatment plans in order to avoid symptoms which are detrimental to a person's day to day life. Although there is no cure for schizophrenia, many people recover and lead a meaningful and sociable life.

Recovery can be different for each individual person. Half of all people diagnosed with schizophrenia have entirely manageable symptoms with treatment, and 25% improve with treatment but still require support from mental health and social services. These outcomes are known as clinical recovery.

Others will go on to have what is known as a personal recovery, where they live a meaningful life but it will be slightly different to that of other people. With a personal recovery, someone can set goals which are achievable for them.

Any type of recovery for schizophrenia is going to be ongoing and there may be difficulties or setbacks along the way but don't lose hope.

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Growing Pains 99

ILLUSTRATED BY ROSALIND SHRINIVAS

with Anna

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How did you first know your family members were experiencing symptoms of schizophrenic disorders?

“My brother was the first person I noticed to be experiencing symptoms. In hindsight, there were small signs before the tell-tale signs emerged. He was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) when he was about twelve years old, then he was prescribed Adderall and it helped him with his schoolwork. He did better in school and was doing well on a low dose for years. I think he may have been misdiagnosed and his attention difficulty was actually a very early onset cognitive symptom of schizophrenia.

When I was thirteen my mother divorced my father. She was awarded primary custody by default and my dad was forced to leave the house. She got a restraining order against him, and my brother and I were allowed to see my dad briefly for one weekend each month. After the divorce she tried to begin a relationship with my music teacher. I didn’t know it at the time but my mother was suffering from delusions and mania when this was occurring.

My mother had a formal diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression, attention deficit disorder and her therapist has noted ‘bipolar like symptoms’. I know my mother’s treatment is inadequate and suspect she suffers from schizoaffective disorder. She has a persistent delusion that our music teacher is making her and our family do things through mind control. She believes he is a Wiccan, a Satanist or involved with the Illuminati. Later she wanted to undo the divorce with my dad because she said it wasn’t her who did it.

She left my brother and I for almost a month to go model some dresses for an independent designer in California, I think. A family friend checked in on us weekly. My dad got in trouble for trying to meet with us whilst she was away.

During this time, my brother would drive me back and forth to school and secretly I wanted to move in with him when he turned eighteen, to escape the problems of our parent’s divorce.

I think he sensed this pressure from me on some level. The stress of what was happening pushed him over the edge. I didn’t have many friends at the time and my brother was my rock. The next time my mother left us, we stayed with a family friend and this is when my brother’s first psychotic break began.

He was acting strangely, making weird notes and drawings the whole time we were there. He didn’t talk to me much. He didn’t really eat and stayed downstairs the entire time. I thought it was odd but I was playing with my friends upstairs during a lot of this. When it was time to leave and our mother came to pick us up, I asked him to get his suitcase. He had no idea what that meant. I knew something was wrong then and I was afraid, I insisted five times that he get his stuff so we could leave and he did.

My brother’s first psychotic episode lasted about 3 months. I was only thirteen at the time but I remember he wrecked a game system because he thought it was watching him and he lined up shoes in the hallway in the shape of a pyramid. He made all sorts of strange doodles and notes, said that he needed to go to the equator to play a rock concert to save the world and he kept wanting to walk out into the woods. Various things would trigger different behaviors.

He made tons of loosely correlated media references and insisted he wasn’t to be addressed by his own name. He rarely showered, dressed bizarrely and laid out objects in odd patterns in the carpet. My mother was fully in denial the entire time. We had to go to the grocery store and my mother let my brother drive me. We were on the freeway and he let go of the steering wheel saying I should take the wheel. I realized I was in real danger then.

I’m happy he was very cooperative at this time because he listened when I told him he needed to drive. We got to the store and I directed him through. People were looking at us strangely, I think they knew something was wrong but I guided him. I never let him drive me again until after he got treatment.

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I didn’t connect in my mind how neglectful what my mother did was until much later.

This was one of the scariest times in my life.

Everyone around me was insane I remember grieving my brother as if he were dead during his first psychotic break. I cried and I laughed at the same time, which is nothing like anything I’ve felt since.

He was a completely different person and the fact he gave himself a different name just punctuated the separation.

I fully prepared myself to lose my brother, my best friend, my emotional rock but he came back and by all standard measures he’s doing amazing for what he’s been dealt with.

I thought my mother was faking her symptoms for a long time to avoid blame for what she did to our family. Looking back, I now recognise that throughout my whole childhood she was suffering from a mental illness. She had hypomanic episodes where she would get erratic waves of motivation to stay up all night cleaning, cooking, decorating or exercising. She had lots of depressive episodes where the house got really dirty too.”

How would you describe a manic episode?

“A manic episode is an extended period of time where someone has an unreasonably high amount of energy and motivation. They will pursue goals relentlessly, feel awesome, have extremely high self-esteem. They may also sleep very little or not at all for many days at a time. They will spend money recklessly and make extreme decisions they often regret later.

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To be diagnosed with bipolar disorder you must have at least one manic or hypomanic episode (hypomanic means low mania). A manic episode involves psychotic symptoms and is more extreme than a hypomanic episode.”

What sort of treatment did they receive and how did they react?

“I went to the therapist with my mother and brother. I explained what was happening to my brother and she prescribed him an antipsychotic (Abilify/Aripiprazole) and took him off his ADD medication. He took it for a while and got better.

He got off that medicine and eventually ended up on Adderall again half a year later after his first therapist retired. That is when his second psychotic break occurred.

He was freshly eighteen at the time and had started wearing three outfits worth of clothing at once, with a shirt on the bottom part of his body.

He jumped out of a second story window and was found standing on a bridge in the town by a police officer, who took him to a psychiatric hospital. He spent six months there and went through a series of antipsychotic medications and counselling until the last resort drug Clozapine worked.

After that he stabilized enough to where we could take him on day trips.

I was scared he wouldn’t be released from the hospital even though he seemed to be doing well again. He was very sleepy at first, had bradycardia (a slower than normal heart rate), tremors and he put on a lot of weight. As his dose was lowered, he got better and is now almost totally back to how I remember him, on a management dose of Clozapine.

He will have to get blood tests to make sure his meds aren’t hurting him for the rest of his life, but the meds made him so much better.

He’s doing well in school now (even without the ADD meds).

My mother got on an antipsychotic which helps with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia about 6 months ago. She still avoids going outside unaccompanied and is suspicious of everything.

Her treatment doesn’t work yet, I think she needs a different dose or a different antipsychotic. She’s still in denial about my brother and has no awareness her delusions might not be real. I really hope her therapist will spend more time trying to get to the bottom of what’s happening so I can meet my real mother who is free of psychosis or bipolar symptoms.”

How did you support them and how has the whole experience affected you?

“I try to be there for them and offer rational grounded advice. I suggest what they should do to try and keep them out of trouble. It’s hard but I’m stronger and more empathetic than how I would be without them. I’d be very lonely without my brother. I always felt safe around him. I was more afraid of what he’d accidentally do to himself or do to my stuff than what he’d do to me.

I was scared of him once when my mother and I had backed him into a corner, trying to persuade him to take a sleeping tablet and he didn’t trust it.

I don’t know what he thought was happening. He said he didn’t want to hurt us but would do what he would have to. I don’t blame him for that, but the situation could have gone badly if we kept pushing him. People in psychosis need twenty-four-hour supervision and it’s exhausting. They don’t sleep at normal hours.

Mostly I wish people would talk more openly about severe psychiatric disorders. I feel like I can’t talk about my family a lot of the time or my childhood because of what happened. I’m afraid that it will come back to hurt them or me if I talk about it.

I wish our infrastructure were built to support psyche cases in the way they need to be supported. I wish there were definitive testing (not interviews or surveys) for psychiatric disorders

and more effective treatment. There are lingering impacts and side effects associated with antipsychotic medication. Some people gain tons of weight, some people faint, some people end up with lowered immune systems and many have to sleep much more.

I wish people would have more compassion too.

My brother can’t talk to a lot of his old friends and he’s pretty socially isolated despite being treated for his psychosis. People still feel uncomfortable about having a schizophrenic roommate despite them being totally fine when treated. People feel unsure about hiring a schizophrenic worker because they don’t understand what that means.

Finding a job that is low stress (stress can induce psychosis), part time (so you can sleep off the medicine), with minimal education requirements (school can be hard because of cognitive symptoms and many don’t finish due to disruptions), with minimal overtime and a normal schedule that pays well can be very difficult.

I wish things didn’t always have to get really bad before people could get help. I wish there were medical day programmes where people could be safely looked after for a period of time without being fully committed to a psychiatric ward. No one person can take care of someone with psychosis alone.”

Is there anything you’ve learned that you wish you had known at the start of their diagnosis?

“I wish I had known everything but I wouldn’t change anything. I don’t know if my brother would have gotten the treatment he did if things went differently. I would have liked to have known that things turn out mostly okay. All of this is a big part of who I am, I don’t know who I would be without that stuff.”

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ILLUSTRATION BY HANNAH BONN

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Epilepsy WITH ROSS

What is epilepsy?

Diagnosis

There are a few different types of seizures, but I’ve been affected by two: tonic clonic and nocturnal seizures. Both seizures have the same effect on your body, only tonic clonic seizures can happen at any time, while nocturnal seizures happen in your sleep.

I do think that part of the reason it took so long was because I didn’t have seizures regularly and over the period of five years, there were some years that I went without having one. I would start to think I’d finally gotten over it, but they always did come back.

Since both seizures cause unconsciousness (the tonic stage), it’s impossible to be aware of what’s happening. You then move into the clonic stage which is where you convulse, you intensely clench all your muscles and bite your tongue. I only knew what had happened when I started to come back to normality and then everything was explained to me.

The hardest part of having a seizure for me was the recovery period after it.

Sometimes it took me weeks or even months.

“Epilepsy is a neurological disorder where there is an irregularity in your brain activity.

This irregularity manifests itself physically through epileptic seizures.

When you wake up from a seizure, it’s hard to see, breathe, speak and you’re completely disorientated. To begin with I thought I was losing my mind, but the more seizures I experienced, the more I recognised what had happened when I awoke.”

ILLUSTRATIONS BY MABEL DUCKER

Signs and symptoms

“What made it so scary was the fact that I didn’t experience any signs or symptoms and a lot of the time it felt like I was living in fear waiting for it to happen at any moment with no idea when it might come.

Some people experience an ‘aura’ which is when you can tell you’re about to have a seizure, but I personally don’t have any signs or symptoms and I know that’s the same for many other people too.”

“I had seizures for five years and every time I had one, I was taken to hospital.

Despite this, I wasn’t fully diagnosed and put on medication for five years.

Firstly, you go through a period of depression and anxiety after a seizure, partly because it’s a direct side effect and partly because you’re upset about the fact you’ve had another seizure, and anxious about possibly having another one.

Secondly, you feel physically drained.

Having a seizure is like a full body work out as you flex every single muscle in your body. During my last ‘episode’ before I was diagnosed, I had four seizures in a row and I felt like I couldn’t move for a long time afterwards. I always went to the gym to help with my mental health but recovering from seizures made it hard to work out.

When I went to the hospital at first, I wasn’t put under any tests and was simply advised ‘change your lifestyle’. I personally felt this was because I was open with the neurologist about the fact that I liked to party a bit too much and she blamed it on my lifestyle without considering anything else.

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I didn’t completely disagree because I knew I hadn’t necessarily been living the healthiest lifestyle. Hearing the neurologist say this prompted me to start making changes in different areas of my life; healthier diet, exercise, less drinking, getting enough sleep, meditating. You name it, I’d try it.

I saw this neurologist twice after having seizures and she still didn’t put me through any tests and continued to blame it on my life choices.

I didn’t have any seizures for another couple of years and by the time I had another I had moved to a another area and I was taken to a different hospital. This time I was seen by a new neurologist who told me they were surprised I hadn’t already been tested and that I’d definitely need to undergo some tests in order to be diagnosed.

In one test I had a strobe light in my eyes at different speeds while my brain activity was recorded (during a CT scan). I also had an MRI scan, both of which came back showing that I had irregular brain activity.”

Treatment

“I have been on two different types of medication but I had difficulty with the first one, I always felt exhausted and had terrible mood swings. I currently take four Epilim Chorno tablets per day, they work really well with me and I’ve never had a seizure since I was diagnosed.

I am still super careful with triggers but as I’ve not had a seizure in almost five years I am confident in my medication.

I always remind myself not to worry, and if it happens it happens. Being diagnosed and having an explanation changed everything as I no longer felt I was living in fear.”

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Advice

“My advice would be to trust your instinct and remember that you know your own body more than anyone else, even medical professionals.

If something doesn’t feel right or you don’t agree with something, ask to speak to another doctor for a second opinion (if possible).

I would also say to remain positive because when you’re diagnosed you can start to make progress. There are lots of different medications that treat epilepsy effectively.

Make sure you have reviews with your doctor about your medication incase any changes are needed. Seizures caused by epilepsy are a lot easier to manage than seizures caused by other factors, which means you can take control of your life again quickly.

If you see someone having a seizure, stay with them and speak to them calmly. Time how long the seizure lasts and move them only if they are in a dangeous place like a road. If they are on the ground try to cushion their head and loosen any tight clothing around their neck. Put them into the recovery position when they have stopped convulsing - this will keep their airway clear in case they are sick.

You should call for an ambulance if; the seizure lasts more than five minutes, it’s the person’s first seizure, the person does not regain full consciousness or continues to have more seizures, the person sustains an injury during the seizure or if it happens when they are in water.

If a person is in their wheelchair, put the brakes on and support their head gently but don’t move them. Always call an ambulance if the person is diabetic, has a heart disease or is pregnant.”

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ILLUSTRATION BY HEEDAYAH LOCKMAN

AUTISM SPECTRUM DISORDER WITH KYLE

What is autism?

“Autism is a neurological condition that is with the person from birth. It’s usually defined in a spectrum known as ASD, or autism spectrum disorder. No two autistic people are the same and can vary greatly in their own struggles. I have what is known as Asperger’s syndrome, a high functioning form of autism.

People with autism can struggle with day-to-day tasks that neurotypicals take for granted. Something as simple as going to the shop for messages can seem like the most terrifying, daunting task as we are very sensitive to loud noises and bright lights. It’s like my hearing is amplified tenfold when I hear things, so I’m very easily startled. My hearing is so sensitive, I can hear the electricity buzzing in my fridge when I’m trying to sleep at night.

Also, social skills are non-existent. I had to learn all that stuff at school like emotions and body language. It’s like having to learn an entire new language for us.

Confrontation can be terrifying for most autistic people, as we don’t really know how to react when situations go south. These little, tiny things can make it really difficult for autistic people to become independent and live on their own. We depend on our families a lot for support usually.”

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Symptoms “The biggest indication of autism is complete emotional meltdowns. When situations turn quickly for us, it is very hard for autistic people to adapt to change. Many of us have routines and find comfort and stability within them. Once those routines are changed, it can sometimes be too much to cope with and we explode.

Personally, I have meltdowns every so often but this behaviour shouldn’t be punished or scolded. We aren’t in control of our bodies when we have a meltdown, it's some sort of emotional instinct that has to be released. There are ways around it of course: weighted blankets, sensory toys, dimmed lights, candles. It’s about trying to remove the person who’s having the meltdown away from the situation and calm them down, reassuring them that everything will be okay. Reassurance is like liquid gold to an autistic person and we constantly ask for it.”

Diagnosis “When I was younger, parents of other kids would often pass comments on my behaviour to my mum. They would always say I was some ‘spoilt brat’ who was ‘having a tantrum’. This simply wasn’t the case. I was diagnosed almost twenty years ago when I was around five after my primary school teacher noticed I wasn’t interacting with my class as much as the other children were, wasn’t actively trying to make friends, and showed hyperfocus on my special interests.

Special interests for autistic people are subjects that we are intensively interested in.

We find it easier to engage with tasks if it involves an application of our special interests. I was apparently ‘in my own world’ back then. I’ve been through psychologists, social workers, doctors, speech therapists, language therapists, behavioural school etc. I never fully settled at school. I hated how binary the education system was and how teachers set tasks, I loved learning on my own accord about what I was interested in. I got bullied at primary and high school but most people have been really supportive and understanding.”

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Treatment “Treatment for autism is usually behavioural and communication training and therapies like CBT (Cognative Behavioural Therapy) but personally this didn’t work for me. I have used breathing exercises I learned in school to help me for years now but they’re starting to be less effective.”

advice “Take each day at a time and try not to let the diagnosis worry you too much. It should never be seen as a negative thing, but rather a positive. Usually when autistic people receive their diagnosis, it’s like a weight being taken off of their shoulders. ‘I understand now; it all makes sense’ is what usually comes to mind.

It always helps to have family and friends who are sympathetic and understanding.

If your loved one is diagnosed with autism and you want to be there for them, listen to them. Don’t just naturally assume what works for most autistic people will work them. Be there for them, support them, love them. Make sure that they have as much support as they need. They will appreciate it. Understanding and compassion is all we look for in a support network.”

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ILLUSTRATION BY KATIE SMITH

with Georgia

What is fibromyalgia?

Zaina talks about moving to another continent at a young agecanand a different system “Fibromyalgia be adjusting really difficult to to explain becauseclimate, when you school tell someoneand that fibromyalgia is widespread pain and fatigue, they normally way of life. She breaks down how the citizenship proreply along the lines of 'oh yeah I ache and get tired too!'. cess works, addresses the effects of growing up somewhere lack ethnic and how she Fibromyalgia is so with much a more thanofthat.

It is a diversity disorder based on shares the nervous system; it is thoughtcame the nervous systemher amplifies pain sensations to find second family. which interferes with the wiring of the brain over time”.

Symptoms

Where were you born and what was it like to leave it behind at such a young age?

“I wasare born in Uganda and of I left at the age -ofthe ten.

“There many symptoms fibromyalgia main ones are widespread It was painful and I wish I left at a younger age so I suffer from headaches pain, fatigue, brain fog and depression. For me, I wouldn’t remember everything likeextreme it happened and poor sleep, but I also experience sensitivity to light, touch, and yesterday.” sound too. Other people may also experience numbness, burning sensations and so many other symptoms.

Was it scarylist to of move to a different The extensive symptoms is one ofcontinent the things that makes fibromyalgia alone, and what advice would you give person, to hard to diagnose as it is so individual to each and the symptoms somebody overlap considering moving somewhere with so many other possible conditions.” entirely different to where they grew up?

“It wasn’t scary until I got here. In Africa I watched English speaking TV shows and thought “that’s where I’m going” but in fact it was actually America in the TV shows… so when I arrived in this cold country, I was shook and bloody

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Diagnosis “I am very fortunate in the way I was diagnosed ‘quickly’ in relation to a vast majority of the chronic illness community. Three years ago in July/August I started to feel tired all. the. time. Everything also started to hurt in a way I couldn’t really explain. So, I left it and just carried on but in September I went back to school and it was just too much, so we went to the GP who did so many blood tests, all of which came back normal so he referred me to a rheumatologist.

I then had that appointment in December, where they gave me the pressure point examination which is used to help diagnose fibro, and I had 16/18 of the pain points so I was officially diagnosed.

It is hard to diagnose fibromyalgia because there is no official test, it is diagnosed based on having a certain amount of the pain points I mentioned earlier and no other tests showing a reason for your symptoms.

This meant that even after being diagnosed, I was having MRIs and other blood tests to see if it was possibly other conditions instead.

This is really hard to deal with mentally as there is always an uncertainty as to what is actually wrong with you. There’s the possibility that the next test will show something all the previous ones haven’t, and your diagnosis you have worked to accept and educate people about will be wrong.”

Treatment “There is no ‘treatment’ for fibromyalgia, instead it is about self-management and so everyone finds different things work for them. For me, rest is so important in a flare. I really listen to my body and take the time to stay in bed and nap when I need to.

I also use a transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulator (tens) machine which I find so beneficial. It uses electrical impulses to create substances which act as pain killers for the body and lessen the intensity of pain signals.

It doesn’t stop the pain but it is a really good distraction. In a flare, I also wear compression socks and gloves - the pressure helps reduce the pain and gives me more mobility in my hands as they often seize if the pain is too bad.”

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Advice “The most important thing is finding your community. Being diagnosed with a chronic illness can feel so isolating because even if your friends and family are supportive, they can never really understand what you’re going through. Finding a community of people dealing with chronic illness can give you a safe space to vent and also seek advice regarding your conditions.

Some areas do have in person support groups, but I found that the group in my area consisted of people much older than me who talked about things like work or kids which I just couldn’t relate to. So for me, online community was the best.

Facebook has lots of private groups and Instagram also has an amazing chronic illness community. I love how safe Instagram can feel, and I’ve met some incredible people who have become such close friends. This has helped me accept being ill and feel less alone on my bad days, which is so important in coping with chronic illnesses like fibromyalgia.

I really think the best way to be there for a loved one is to look after yourself. We sometimes forget the physical and emotional toll being sick can have on our loved ones. So taking time to look after yourself, making sure you’re staying healthy and that you have someone to talk to about your loved one’s illness is so important.

There are many great online support groups which would be worth joining so you can talk to people who can relate to what you’re going through. You can’t be there for your loved one if you’re not there for yourself as well.”

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ILLUSTRATION BY BILETSKA KATERYNA

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Sjögren’s Syndrome WITH HANNAH What is Sjögren’s syndrome?

Diagnosis

“Sjögren’s syndrome is an autoimmune disease which affects glands throughout the body. It affects my skin, bones, eyes, internal organs... the list goes on and on. Even the amount of saliva I’m able produce is affected.”

“Reaching a diagnosis was one of the hardest times of my life. It all started with a lump I found one day on the side of my face.

Symptoms “The symptom most people notice first is dryness.

The tear ducts in my eyes weren’t producing enough intraocular fluid which meant my eyes were being damaged over time, which affected my eyesight. Now I use eye drops to prevent any further damage. The same goes for my mouth, I have artificial saliva I can use when I need to.

Fatigue is a big one. It’s not just feeling tired, it’s a total loss of energy and moving at all can feel impossible. Brain fog affects me as well - I struggle with my memory and getting my words out in the right order, which is amusing for others and I can see the funny side but it’s frustrating for me sometimes.

Joint pain is a very real part of Sjögren’s as well, many people with the syndrome are diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and have a higher risk of developing lymphoma and lupus due to the level of inflammation in their glands.

My bones ache most of the time and I have a bone spurt in my arm which causes me discomfort from time to time, but I’d say I’ve been luckier than most with my symptoms.”

I’d been feeling run down at the time so I thought it would be connected to that. It was the weekend so I went to the out of hours service where a doctor suspected I had mumps and recommended I should make an appointment with my GP to have my blood taken.

I waited a week for my GP appointment and when the doctor felt the lump, she seemed concerned about what it was. She took my bloods, gave me them and sent me straight to the ear, nose and throat specialist (ENT) at the hospital.

The ENT immediately tried to convince me I was too young to be experiencing anything serious.

They told me I was just anxious and sent me to the dentist, dismissing the lump as something related to my teeth, so that was my next move.

I had an X-ray and the dentist told me I had an impacted wisdom tooth which might explain the lump and referred me back to my doctor to get some antibiotics to stop the swelling.

So, I visited my GP again who gave me antibiotics which didn’t work. Then I tried a different course of antibiotics but those didn’t work either. I went back to the GP again and was referred for an ultrasound.

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I had an ultrasound with the NHS to be sure I just had a cyst that could easily be drained and then I would be sorted, however that was not the case.

Now I was being told the lump wasn’t a cyst and a biopsy would have to be taken.

I had my face numbed and a tool was punched into the lump to remove some tissue for tests. The biopsy had a horrible crunching sensation that still gives me shudders to think of now, and after all that waiting, the results were inconclusive.

At the time I was going through this, I was in a fairly new relationship and waiting for a diagnosis destroyed the way we felt about each other. My partner had started to become more like my carer, holding me as I panicked, checking me all over for lumps and trying to support me whilst I was convinced that I was dying. The relationship ended because they felt this wasn’t what they signed up for and I can’t blame them.

I decided to go for the surgery. The side of my face was cut open and the lump was removed and yet another waiting game ensued. I felt sick with worry all day, every day waiting for the call. Eventually it came and I was told I had Sjögren’s syndrome, and now it was time for me to find out what that really meant for me and my future.

I was assigned a rheumatologist who tested my blood every week for any changes in swelling throughout my body, but to be honest they didn’t help me understand what was happening to me.

Unfortunately, Sjögren’s is not well known and there isn’t a lot of information available.

I’ve had doctors who didn’t have a great understanding of it and nurses who didn’t know what it is.

By this point I had been waiting for a year and a half, worrying that I was walking around with a tumour. The toll on my mental health was increasing, resulting in endless panic attacks which left me unable to work or even leave the house, and I desperately wanted an answer.

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It’s scary to see the stories of other people and how it progressed with them. I’m glad that I pushed for my doctor to run more tests, repeatedly visiting the doctor’s office every week until they acknowledged something wasn’t right.

ILLUSTRATION BY MABEL DUCKER

My doctor asked me to decide between an MRI scan, another CT scan or surgery to remove the lump and find out once and for all what it was, but they told me they strongly believed the underlying cause was lymphoma or Sjögren’s syndrome.

I’ve learned- most of what I know from other people who have it and even though reaching a diagnosis took two years of my life, I still feel lucky to have a diagnosis so young. Most people aren’t diagnosed until they are in their forties with a lot of other health issues, and only find out the root of their problems after having a lip biopsy. Some people are in their sixties before they get an answer as to why they’ve struggled with these symptoms for their entire life.

My immune system still isn’t great. I take iron and vitamins to combat that and I’m very stable in the cancerous side of things. I have my blood tested every three months now instead of weekly. I hate going because it’s always the same thing – 'we can’t do anything, we are just keeping an eye on you'.

Of course I’m glad because if any of my lymph nodes became cancerous they could catch it early, but sometimes it feels like I’m just waiting for the disease to attack another part of my body.

I always think about if it will affect me getting pregnant too.

Being diagnosed with an incurable disease has been difficult to adjust to and the effect on my mental health has made it hard for me to feel like I’m moving forward in life. I still struggle with panic attacks and leaving the house, at times I’ve had to take time off work to recover which creates a cycle of stress as a homeowner with bills to pay – sick pay doesn’t even come close to helping me through those times.

Since my diagnosis, I take betablockers which help with the feelings of anxiety. Counselling will help further but I still feel that a lot of people don’t understand. How could they really? I look healthy but my body feels broken every day.

My mum has said she wishes she had been more understanding with me when I was young, because she now understands that I wasn’t a lazy child who wanted off school, I was sick.

It can be hard trying to explain how I feel, especially in the workplace so it’s easier to just give up and let people make their jokes about how much rest I need or the aches and pains I feel. It’s not easy to understand when you can’t feel what another person feels."

Treatment

"There is no cure or one specific treatment for Sjögren’s syndrome, it’s about managing symptoms and trying to live the best quality of life that you can.

I tried an anti-malaria medication called hydroxychloroquine for my swollen glands, but it didn’t make any difference so instead I try to follow an anti-inflammatory diet to lessen the inflammation in my body. I rest when I have to and take pain medication when needed. Exercise helps when I have the energy to do it also.

In a sense I’m happy to know why I’ve always felt this way but it’s tough not knowing what the future holds. I can’t remember a day where I haven’t felt unwell and that can get me down sometimes, but I have great people around me so I’m very lucky for that. It brings me a lot of hope that people are talking more now on social media and spreading awareness of invisible illnesses."

Advice

"What I would say to someone who is at the beginning of that journey is to reach out. I found Sjögren’s support groups on Facebook and it was a wealth of information that I never knew existed. It was full of so many people who I could relate to, struggling with the same things as me and they were there with advice or help with any question I wanted to ask.

Don’t put pressure on yourself. If you need time and rest, take it. You need to look after yourself and your health first. If somebody you care about has been affected by Sjogren’s, try to listen and have an open mind. Even if you don’t fully understand, just know that nobody wants to feel this way and your love and support goes a long way."

Join "Sjogren's Syndrome Support Group" on Facebook.com for advice and support on living with, or caring for someone with Sjögren's syndrome.

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ILLUSTRATION BY SOPHY SMITH

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Crohn's Disease with Eilidh

What is Crohn’s disease?

“Crohn’s disease is a long-term condition which affects the digestive system. It becomes inflamed and irritated on a regular basis. The exact cause of Crohn’s disease is still unknown but it’s thought to have links with an individual’s genes and immune system.”

Symptoms “The symptoms of Crohn’s are gastro-intestinal and bowel issues like aches, cramps and bleeding in the digestive track. The main symptoms for me are pains in my stomach which come and go.

Some days I’ll have no pains and other days I can be in agony. Often the pain will be triggered by eating, which in turn has negatively impacted my appetite. Another symptom is the urgent need to go to the bathroom, which is embarrassing to talk about but it’s the reality of having Crohn’s disease.

I try not to let it affect my work and social life but there are times where I’ll be in tears at my desk unsure how to cope with the pain I’m experiencing. There isn’t a cure for Crohn’s which is a struggle for me because I know I’m really just at the start of my diagnosis.”

Diagnosis “I won’t sugar coat it, the road to diagnosis was the worst time in my life.

Three years ago in November, I noticed a drastic change in myself. I developed a near constant pain in my stomach that was unbearable at times, especially after I had eaten. I would be curled up in a ball unable to leave my bed with the pain.

I normally loved food but my appetite was disappearing and I was losing a lot of weight.

I hate visiting the doctor but I felt like something wasn’t right and made an appointment for later in the month to find out what was going on.

I explained my symptoms, even the ones I felt embarrassed to talk about and I was told that I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). Around this time, I was still on my initial probationary period at work and I was worried about whether I would pass, so the doctor suggested my weight loss was just down to work-related stress.

I felt like I had been dismissed so I made another appointment, where I was told the same thing by a different doctor. I mentioned that my auntie had Crohn’s disease and I tried to emphasise that I related to those symptoms but again the doctor dismissed my concerns.”

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“I left that appointment feeling annoyed. I knew there must have been an underlying reason for the sudden weight loss, fatigue and stomach pains I was experiencing.

By February I was so worn down that I had a chest infection which developed into sepsis. Sepsis happens when an infection travels into the blood stream and it can be life threatening because major organs can begin to shut down.

I had to stay in hospital to recover so whilst I was there, I asked the doctor about my other symptoms and again I was dismissed. Eventually I was discharged from hospital but the weight loss and stomach issues continued for months.

In July I was back in hospital with a stomach bug, where a consultant finally referred me to a gastrointestinal team. I was prodded at with needles, ultrasounds and tests from then until November, with the team trying to eliminate an alternative diagnosis like Coeliac disease.

Throughout this I started to realise that I hadn’t been myself for quite a while and it was obvious to everyone around me. I started counselling and realised I had been struggling with anxiety about my health.

“I can laugh now but there are nights where I felt so anxious, I would ask my mum to sleep in my room. I was constantly worried I would get sepsis again and end up back in hospital.”

I had never experienced anxiety before so it was terrifying, I couldn’t sleep and I was avoiding everything I used to like doing. I would keep to myself and if I did go anywhere, I was miserable. Looking back now counselling was the best thing I could have done and helped to prepare me for when I did reach a diagnosis.

On 19th November I had been suffering for an entire year and was due to have a colonoscopy, where a small camera would be used to view my intestines. The night before the procedure I was awake for hours searching my symptoms on Google, sure that I would be diagnosed with Crohn’s.

After the procedure a doctor finally confirmed what I suspected, which was a bitter-sweet feeling.

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I didn’t understand much about the condition at first. When I was first given my diagnosis, I’d just woken up post-procedure and the doctor may as well have been speaking a different language to me.

It was weeks before I had an appointment with the specialist Irritable Bowel Disease (IBD) team who advised me on how to manage my condition.

They explained the link between Crohn’s and anaemia (which explained some of the fatigue I had been feeling and my inability to fight infections), as well as prescribing me a steroid to help me gain weight, which in turn helped to build up my confidence.

Waiting so long for a diagnosis took a toll on my mental health - it was challenging not only for me but for my family and friends to see me suffering.

Over the year where I was losing weight rapidly, I felt uncomfortable that people would always ask about my weight loss and I had no explanation for them. It added to the anxiety I was feeling about my health and made me want to hide my body.

Initially after all of trips back and forth to the doctor, the changes in my body and the time wasted feeling unwell, having a diagnosis at last felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Yet at the same time, I felt cheated.

Nobody had taken my concerns seriously for a year and it was hard to come to terms with having a chronic illness. There are still days where I cry and I feel guilty about it but I think being given a diagnosis without a cure at a young age is difficult to accept.

In February I had an appointment with a consultant who brought up motherhood, which left me in tears despite the fact I’ve never wanted children. It was the moment things became real for me and hit home just how much this will affect me for the rest of my life.

It also brought up the question of how I would tell any potential partners about my condition. I wondered whether they would understand, since there are days where I can’t eat and I don’t have the energy to do anything apart from stay in bed and watch Netflix to pass the time.

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So much about dating revolves around meals too so it’s daunting wondering what someone would think about my Crohn’s disease.

I only told my close friends at first but after a while I organised a meeting at work to tell my team, which felt amazing to open up and explain why I hadn’t been myself lately.

Luckily my work created what’s called a dynamic working arrangement where I can work Monday to Friday 10am-6pm, which was a massive help. Having consistency has made it a lot easier to manage my condition and symptoms.”

Treatment “The main treatment for Crohn’s disease is medicines which reduce the inflammation in the gut for as long as possible.

Some people need to have surgery but the severity of treatment differs from person to person. I try to think day-to-day instead of long-term because realistically nobody can tell me what will happen, all I can do is take things as they come.

Beginning the treatment for my condition improved my appetite and my mental health too, I definitely worry less now that I know I’m on the right track with managing my symptoms. It helps to have a dedicated IBD team who I can contact whenever I have questions or need some support.

I take two immunosuppressant drugs - an Azathioprine tablet once a day and an infusion of Infliximab bi-weekly for a few months. After that, I’ll have it once every eight weeks.

The infusion process takes two hours and I’m kept in to be monitored for an hour afterwards to make sure there aren’t any complications.

The immunosuppressant drugs work together to reduce inflammation in my gut.

I don’t absorb enough nutrients which means I need folic acid tablets, weekly blood tests, regular vitamin B12 injections and iron infusions to keep me healthy.

My immune system is low which means even just a cold will floor me and I won’t be allowed my infusions until I have recovered. Honestly, it’s exhausting keeping up with all these treatments.

Sometimes I’ll have a doctor’s appointment every day of the week but ensuring I’m managing my condition is my priority so that I can enjoy my life.”

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Advice “To anybody going through a similar situation, know that things get better.

Realistically I know I may need operations in the future but I’ve learned to worry less about that. You can’t control the future and you can’t change what is in the past. Cheesy but true.

To those who have symptoms or have been dismissed, you know your body better than anyone. Continue to pressure your doctor until you get tests and answers.

The earlier you do this, the quicker the diagnosis will come and you will get access to proper treatment and help.

Don’t be afraid to talk about your condition either, if people judge you or do not support you then you don’t need those people around you. At twenty-five I’ve learned quality over quantity is what matters when it comes to friends.

For anyone who has ever considered counselling, do it. Sitting in an office with a stranger talking about my situation was something that I never thought could benefit me until I tried it. If I can do it so can you.

It’s normal to still get upset and angry about being dismissed and wonder why this happened. On particularly hard days I rely on my sense of humour to get me through, I’ve learned not to take myself too seriously.

Strangely I feel like my confidence has grown since my diagnosis, I think I’ve learned to stop caring so much about things that don’t matter.

On days where I feel like not doing much, my self-care routine involves lots of cups of tea, face masks and plenty of TV in bed.

Find what makes you feel good and what doesn’t, you might have to avoid certain foods and alcohol which felt devastating to me at first – I love Chinese food and having a drink but it is what it is! Your health is worth making sacrifices for.”

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y t i l i b a s i d

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Nicole, Ruby, Holly and Deborah discuss some of the common misunderstandings people have about disabilities and how harmful these can be.

Nicole is a woman who suffered a spinal cord injury due to a fibrosarcoma tumour, which created severe pressure on her spinal cord and left her permanently paralysed from the waist down. She uses her Instagram page @beauticoleex to raise awareness of disabilities and encourage conversation about issues that the disabled community face.

Ruby is an autistic blogger and disability activist who uses her Instagram account @Rubyofmyeye to shed light on her story of being diagnosed later in life, as is common with neurodiverse women in the autism community. She also created a support group for others with autism which can be found at Instagram.com/cheerfullyauti.

Holly is a woman with a neurological condition which has caused paralysis from the waist down. She uses her Instagram @Holly.osullivan_ to document her path towards acceptance and pride.

Deborah is a mother to Arizona, her wonder boy. He is two years old, and because his brain didn't grow as it should while Deborah was pregnant, he is significantly disabled.

She uses their Instagram page @DeborahAndAZ to share her journey of becoming a parent carer and give/get support from the additional needs community.

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Do people ever use micro-aggressions towards you and how do these affect you?

Nicole: “I definitely do experience belittling sometimes, with people talking to those around me rather than myself – I can speak you know! It’s just frustrating when all I want is a voice and to represent my own opinions.

The classic comments about attractiveness, such as ‘you’re pretty for a disabled girl’. I know it can be meant as a compliment but I mean is it really? It’s just plain rude to be honest. Disabled women are beautiful, in just the same way as non-disabled women. We need the media to represent us as powerful and sexy more often.”

Holly: “I definitely experience strange things in public! A lot of staring, but it’s not the kind of glance stares or children staring that gets to me, it’s when adults actually stop in their tracks and completely follow me with their eyes!

People often ignore me and speak to the people around me as if I can’t hear or speak.

Other experiences I have had include people saying, ‘I’d hate to be you’ or ‘I think I’d rather die’. These statements are so unnecessary as those people have no idea what my life is like and how being paralysed affects my daily life. All of these micro-aggressions come from a complete lack of education when it comes to disability.”

Deborah: “I really feel for Nicole and Holly, because we get these all the time too.

It ranges from the most obvious - like saying 'at least he doesn't look disabled' - to giving us the sympathetic head tilt and 'awww' when we explain that he can't talk or walk

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yet. I often try to use these situations as opportunities to educate people about ableism, but it depends on how much caffeine I've had that morning! I don't mind explaining why these kinds of reactions are inappropriate if the person is willing to learn and if I know their sentiment is one of complete kindness. But sometimes there's a level of wilful ignorance or a response like 'can't say anything these days' that infuriates me.”

What are some misconceptions people have about your relationship with your wheelchair?

Holly: “People automatically believe my relationship with my wheelchair is a sad, angry tale. In reality it is the complete opposite! Although it took some time to feel this way, I have great love for my chair, it allows me to be independent, leave my bed, and be a social person. Perhaps one of the biggest misconceptions is that I’m ‘stuck’ in my chair or ‘wheelchair bound’. I can transfer to other surfaces, and I get out of my chair many times a day!

An important thing about me and my chair that I don’t think many non-disabled people understand is that my chair feels like an extension of me and when someone touches it, pushes it or moves it (especially with me in it) without my permission I find it very challenging to explain to them that it feels like a violation of my space. After all, my back rest is relatively low so they are inches away from grabbing at my waist!”

Nicole: “That I’m completely ‘wheelchair bound’, as much as I am theoretically, I can still transfer out of it and sit in a different chair

It does It does essentially essentially act as act my as legs my legs though, though, allowing allowing me me to access to access places places and and be be independent. independent.

It It provides provides me with me with freedom freedom and and I’m I’m forever forever grateful grateful for that, for that, so why so why should should I notI embrace not embrace it? There it? There are are lots lots of things of things I stillI can’t still can’t access access but but being being ableable to get to out get and out and about about is a is a positive positive in itself. in itself.

My My chairchair really really doesn’t doesn’t define define me, me, it helps it helps me me continue continue to dotothe do things the things I stillI can still can do.” do.”

DoDo you you find find that that different different disabilities disabilities areare often often grouped grouped together together and and what what kind kind of of effect effect oror consequences consequences can can this this have have forfor people? people?

Holly: Holly: “I think “I think education education is needed is needed in in terms terms of ‘not of ‘not everyone everyone is the is the same’. same’.

Wheelchair Wheelchair users users havehave suchsuch different different disabilities disabilities and and eveneven people people with with paralysis paralysis havehave completely completely different different experiences. experiences.

There There are are different different types types of wheelchairs, of wheelchairs, suchsuch as active as active wheelchairs, wheelchairs, which which are ideal are ideal for those for those with with upper upper bodybody mobility mobility and and moremore independent independent lifestyles. lifestyles.

Power Power wheelchairs wheelchairs don’tdon’t needneed any manual any manual propelling propelling or pushing, or pushing, which which givesgives those those with with upper upper bodybody paralysis paralysis freedom freedom to control to control theirtheir own own wheelchair wheelchair using using a setaof set user of user controls controls like alike joystick, a joystick, as as well well as offering as offering moremore comfort comfort and and support. support.

I findI find many many places places accessible accessible as an as active an active manual manual wheelchair wheelchair useruser that that a power a power wheelchair wheelchair useruser couldn’t. couldn’t.

The The people people designing designing the accessibility the accessibility and and requirements requirements

ILLUSTRATION BY AJ DUNCAN

for example. for example.

You You wouldn’t wouldn’t say say that that an able-bodied an able-bodied person person is bound is bound to a to a bicycle bicycle when when theythey use use one!one!

can can oftenoften make make buildings buildings unsuitable unsuitable for for those those with with disabilities disabilities by assuming by assuming that that everyone everyone has has the same the same needs.” needs.”

Ruby: Ruby: “I find “I find that that eveneven in the in subgroup the subgroup of of neurodiversity neurodiversity we are we grouped are grouped together, together, and and eveneven just just in autism. in autism.

Everyone Everyone has has an an assumption assumption thinking thinking everyone everyone is the is the same same with with the same the same experience experience and and traitstraits and and it’s it’s just not just true. not true.

ThisThis has has caused caused hugehuge problems problems in the in the diagnostic diagnostic process process and and research research itselfitself into into autism, autism, so it’s soait’s wider a wider issue. issue.

I think I think the world the world doesdoes recognise recognise subgroups subgroups of disability of disability but but wontwont thenthen go further go further to see to see that that everyone everyone is is just their just their own own person.” person.”

Deborah: Deborah: “Absolutely.

“Absolutely.

It seems It seems to be to be that that people people thinkthink you're you're either either physically physically disabled disabled or you or have you have learning learning difficulties difficulties - but- but it's it's not not either either or. Disability or. Disability comes comes in all in all different different forms. forms.

It can It can be be immediately immediately obvious obvious or it or can it can be completely be completely hidden. hidden.

And And often, often, people's people's mainmain pointpoint of reference of reference for for disability disability is theismass the mass media media representation representation of of whatwhat that that means. means.

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What do you wish people understood better about being disabled?

Nicole: “Ultimately that disabled isn’t a bad word! We need to start removing the stigma that disabled is a dirty or bad word and something that needs to be whispered. A lot of people may think that using the phrase ‘differently abled’ is preferable but it’s completely up to the individual and it’s important that if someone identifies as disabled, this is how they should be addressed. Why shouldn’t we use the word?

To most of the disabled community it really isn’t offensive and we embrace our differences. After all, they make us who we are!

It’s also important that you see the person not the disability. People need to be aware that disabled individuals aren’t completely helpless. Most of us have learnt routines that allow us to do things and if we tell you we don’t need help, we really don’t and please believe us. Don’t insist on helping, even though we appreciate your kindness in asking, helping doesn’t always actually help us, so don’t be offended if we politely decline your offer.

We’re also not necessarily brave, courageous or inspirational. Yes, many of us

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have been through a lot and it mainly comes from a loving place but we’re certainly not any braver for just being out in public and living our lives. Try and see us as ordinary people, as after all we are just like anyone else.”

Deborah: “For my son, I'd echo Nicole's sentiments and say that 'disabled' isn't a dirty word. Just use it. My husband and I are not offended by it - it's simply a fact and it's a much more constructive, supportive label than 'special needs'. Our son is a regular kid who happens to be disabled.

And for myself, as the parent of a disabled child, I'd like to see the well-worn adage of 'special children are given to special parents' die out. We are not special - we were thrust on a wild journey for which we had no preparation and it's a struggle, every day. It's really, really hard. I think that kind of sentiment is popular because it provides a sanitised version of being a parent carer that makes people feel more comfortable about it.

But we're not superheroes and implying that we are diminishes the hard work we put in every day. We're just regular people trying to get by, raise our son as best we can, and navigate a world that really isn't made for disabled people.”

Ruby: “I wish people understood that the

world really is made for non-disabled people, it’s everywhere you are. The music is loud, the steps don’t have ramp access, even jobs will all be set to accommodate non-disabled people.

So when we need support society thinks we want more, but in reality we just want to be given the same opportunities. Just respect every single disabled person!”

ILLUSTRATION BY RAE MAXWELL

For example, they might think all autistic people avoid eye contact, or that people who use a wheelchair should be in it 24/7. It's a dangerous form of gaslighting and ableism that can lead to disabled people not being taken seriously when they voice their needs or seek a diagnosis.”

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ILLUSTRATION BY KATIE SMITH

Eleven people talk about their interpretation of sexuality and reflect on how their perceptions have changed as they’ve grown up.

What misconceptions have you had to deal with about sexuality and what ones do you think still exist?

them. As for current misconceptions I guess I’m unsure as they are my own misconceptions and I won’t know until I learn better.”

Lewis “People most of the time will consider me to be over the top, obnoxious and ridiculous at all times (which I am), but there are so many different sides to me that make me a fully realised human other than being just those things. I think this comes with the whole masculine and feminine aspects of being ‘gay’. My sexuality has nothing to do with the way I act, it’s just a stereotype and so what if I’m femme I’m not hurting anybody.”

Brian “I guess growing up I had a form of internalised homophobia as a gay man, my own misconceptions were believing that being gay was a certain thing, i.e. flamboyance and camp behaviour. I believed these were the reason people hated others for being gay. As I’ve gotten older and gained a few friends who do like to be themselves I think that it’s absolutely amazing for people to be able to be themselves in a world that can oppress

Emma

“I think from conversations I’ve had with people my age, the common playground insult for a boy was ‘gay’ and for a girl it was ‘slut’. I think people were always modifying their behaviour to avoid being called those things – boys would try to hide any feminine aspects of themselves and girls would avoid saying things that were sexual. I think that follows people into adulthood too.

I’ve definitely noticed times where men were comfortable acting feminine and silly around me when other men weren’t there.

I’ve also definitely been a part of conversations with women reflecting on being afraid to seek out pleasure or to be direct with someone when they were younger in case their partner thought they were a ‘slut’ or told other people that they were. It seems like younger people are more accepting now and aware of the damage that weaponising sexuality can do to people later in life.”

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“Both of my schools were Catholic and I think that definitely had an impact on how I viewed sexuality. I wasn’t raised to be anti-LGBT in any way but it just wasn’t spoken about and pretty much everything I learned from the ages of twelve to sixteen was through self-research. In terms of sex education, we weren’t told about contraception and the only type of sex we were taught about was between a penis and a vagina.

The obvious result of this shoddy education was that there were a few teen pregnancies and each time the girl in question would be seen as a ‘slag’ and the guy would be seen as a bit of a legend. I think that by trying to ‘protect’ children from sexual education we end up with generations of kids who don’t have the knowledge they need to protect and understand themselves.”

Ross “The idea that HIV/AIDS is a ‘gay disease’ is certainly not as commonly believed as it used to be, but it does still exist. TV shows such as ‘It’s a Sin’ and ‘Pose’ are hugely popular and have played a part in educating the public, but despite this, the misconception definitely still exists.

Recently rapper DaBaby caused worldwide outrage from celebrities and the public due to his homophobic comments about HIV and AIDS. A lot of straight men hold a misconception that anyone who is gay will make advances on them and view them as sexual predators. Obviously, a lot of gay men find straight men attractive, however, this doesn’t mean that they will actually take any action upon this attraction (unless, of course, the straight man is interested too).”

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Who has been the most supportive person in your life?

Brian “By far my mum. My mother grew up with a gay uncle, it has always just been part of life for my mum - the way it should be for everyone because that is the reality. My mum always wanted me to tell her I was gay so that she could have that gay son and probably bond with me more over it.

I remember the day I finally came out and said I had a boyfriend I was so upset because I had been ditched by him and all she focused on was making sure I was okay and talked through what happened with him that day with me. My sexuality wasn’t brought up once. She has been amazing and I’m thankful she is in my life every day. Everyone should have a mum like mine.”

Sarah “My late Nana. She was lovely in every way, and while we got into arguments aplenty that’s just how it goes. I never came out to her in the end, but even still I think she knew.

She’d asked me one day in the car if I liked women, and that if I did it was okay, that she loved me very much no matter what. I didn’t admit to it at that point, I wasn’t ready to, but I think despite my denial she knew anyway.

She supported me with everything while she was alive, anytime I wanted to learn something new, she was there encouraging me. Piano, guitar, violin.

Gymnastics in the living room, shuffle dancing like dafties in the kitchen. Art supplies, my writing. She supported it all and more often than not gave me the means to do it all.

ILLUSTRATION BY KATIE SMITH

Alex

Strangely enough with regards to being bisexual, my dad of all people was also one of the more supportive people I know.

I won’t go into the details of why this was a surprise, but I was outed to him by his friend one night and he took me aside and told me that I’m his baby girl no matter what, and he loves me all the same - that who I fall in love with made no difference, and that I can talk to him always if I need to. There was no ‘maybe you’ll meet a nice bloke some day’ from him, or anything of the sort. Just complete acceptance and support.”

Alex “My friends from secondary school have been consistently supportive, even though some of us have drifted. Over the past few years, my immediate family have grown to be incredible too. Teenage me didn’t quite understand how your child coming out can impact a parent so I got so upset that my parents’ reactions were more focused on my age and that they felt I was too young to know. I think that my two sisters had a positive impact on my parents too as they were slightly older and could explain it to them without getting as emotional as I would have.”

It was definitely more of a rocky time my mum who in the beginning struggle come to terms with the fact I was attra to anything other than straight m However, the love for her child eventu outweighed anything else and she made massive steps to accommodate make me feel loved over the years really to answer the question my family is my most supportive and thankful for them every day.”

RosS

“My mum is so supportive and is alw the first person I call when I need advi remember when my cousin tried to f me to come out and I was upset, she him that if I was going to come out, it w be to her, and not to him. From moment forward I felt less scared to a the truth to my family. My group of frie always reminded me that it’s fine to who you truly are. My sexuality me nothing to them and they are always t for me when I need them.”

Kayleigh “Unlike many people I have been extremely fortunate when it came down to my sexuality and my family. It's hard to pick one person. If it weren't for my older sister who outed me to my parents, I'm unsure if I ever would have had the courage to do so myself.

My father has always been supportive and actively comforting and positive with me, even telling me before I admitted to him that ‘it’s okay if you're gay’ and as per usual of him adding the humour of not worrying about me getting pregnant and being a teen mum.

Growing Pains 139

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Strangely enough with regards to being bisexual, my dad of all people was also one of the more supportive people I know.

I won’t go into the details of why this was a surprise, but I was outed to him by his friend one night and he took me aside and told me that I’m his baby girl no matter what, and he loves me all the same - that who I fall in love with made no difference, and that I can talk to him always if I need to. There was no ‘maybe you’ll meet a nice bloke some day’ from him, or anything of the sort. Just complete acceptance and support.”

Alex “My friends from secondary school have been consistently supportive, even though some of us have drifted. Over the past few years, my immediate family have grown to be incredible too. Teenage me didn’t quite understand how your child coming out can impact a parent so I got so upset that my parents’ reactions were more focused on my age and that they felt I was too young to know. I think that my two sisters had a positive impact on my parents too as they were slightly older and could explain it to them without getting as emotional as I would have.”

Kayleigh

ILLUSTRATION BY BETSY FALCO

“Unlike many people I have been extremely fortunate when it came down to my sexuality and my family. It's hard to pick one person. If it weren't for my older sister who outed me to my parents, I'm unsure if I ever would have had the courage to do so myself.

My father has always been supportive and actively comforting and positive with me, even telling me before I admitted to him that ‘it’s okay if you're gay’ and as per usual of him adding the humour of not worrying about me getting pregnant and being a teen mum.

It was definitely more of a rocky time with my mum who in the beginning struggled to come to terms with the fact I was attracted to anything other than straight men.

However, the love for her child eventually outweighed anything else and she has made massive steps to accommodate and make me feel loved over the years. So really to answer the question my core family is my most supportive and I’m thankful for them every day.”

RosS “My mum is so supportive and is always the first person I call when I need advice. I remember when my cousin tried to force me to come out and I was upset, she told him that if I was going to come out, it would be to her, and not to him. From that moment forward I felt less scared to admit the truth to my family. My group of friends always reminded me that it’s fine to be who you truly are. My sexuality means nothing to them and they are always there for me when I need them.”

Was it challenging to find other people to relate to about your sexuality as a young queer person, and how did you find them?

Alex “Without a doubt. Even now I find it difficult to make friends with other queer people because it feels like everyone else has known each other for years. A lot of the time I don’t feel like I’m queer enough either (which I know is ridiculous) because I’m in a straight passing relationship and I think a lot of people don’t see me as someone who fits into the queer community.

I’ve had a lot of people say to me that I’m a ‘cool’ trans person because I don’t jump down their throats if they misgender me

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but in reality, I don’t do that because I feel incredibly uncomfortable and just sort of shut down when that happens. My partner is non-binary and the majority of their friends are queer as well so through being with Rosie I’ve met a lot more people in the queer community.”

Ross “Looking back, I can’t think of anyone who I related to as a young queer person, and this probably made it more difficult to accept myself. One of my closest childhood friends came out as gay, and he introduced me to his group of friends who were the most diverse group of people I’d ever met. To this day they are still my best friends. I also joined a theatre company as I had an interest in acting and this introduced me to more queer people.”

Brian “Throughout almost all of my life I’ve never had many gay friends, specifically male friends, especially ones like me who don’t like to make their sexuality so open for people to see. So I found it really difficult and had to figure things out for myself mostly. I guess I learned from boyfriends along the way, most of them were a bit older and had the experience to share “

Lewis “Definitely. There were times when I felt so alone and like there was absolutely nobody like me, but I think that was more of a self-sabotage thing. I thought I was the only one who was into these things and just didn’t look hard enough for the people who were. Now when I think about it, most of the friends I had who I’m still

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close with today all embraced my likes and interests as much as me, and are destined for amazing things in the worlds of fashion, performing, writing etc. They all coincide.”

What is dating like in the queer community, and what advice would you give younger people looking to explore their sexuality?

Lewis “Without being shunned like the James Charles’s of today, I have the unfortunate burden of being interested in pretty much exclusively unattainable men A.K.A. straight identifying men. I don’t know how I managed to get myself in to that habit, it just sort of happened and weirdly isn’t something I actually seek out at this point.

Which means my dating experiences are non-existent and I’m pretty much always the dirty little secret – sometimes a blessing but mostly a curse. So, asking me for dating advice is probably dumb but I’m well versed in hookup app etiquette. In my experience, if you’re looking for something serious on an app, you’re in the wrong place.

Guys are essentially on these apps for one thing. I’ve always tried to play it safe on dating apps when it comes to meeting up with strangers, if I’m meeting someone then they’ve got to back up who they say they are with photos, video calls etc. and if they can’t then I just stop all contact. I get that some people might not want their partner/friends/family to find out that they’re on a dating app but I’m not about to die for a penis appointment.

I’ve had mostly positive experiences with online hookups but at the end of the day it just comes down to taking care of yourself,

acknowledging acknowledging whatwhat sort sort of mental of statestate acknowledging what sort of mental mental state you’re you’re in and in and being being sure sure of what of what you want you’re in and being sure of what you you want want to get to get out the of the before before you you go toout getof out ofexperience the experience experience before you go go into into it.” into it.” it.”

David David David

“I think “I“I think therethere can can be abe toxic aa toxic side side to the to think there can be toxic side to the the queer queer community. community.

Personally, Personally, I’ve I’ve never never queer community.

Personally, I’ve never had had any any hatehate fromfrom straight straight people. people.

Any Any had any hate from straight people.

Any hatehate or criticism or I’ve ever I’ve had had was fromfrom the the hate or criticism criticism I’ve ever ever had was was from the gay gay community - you’re -- you’re either either too fat, too fat, or gay community community you’re either too or fat, or too feminine, too or you or don’tdon’t fit infit in too feminine, feminine, or you you don’t fitbecause in because because you’re you’re not a not tanned aa tanned ‘twink’. ‘twink’.

Or you Or don’tdon’t you’re not tanned ‘twink’.

Or you you don’t look look a certain aa certain way.way.

ThatThat sort sort of stuff of has has look certain way.

That sort of stuff stuff has always always annoyed annoyed me. me.

The fact fact we we always annoyed me. The The that fact that thathave we have have pridepride events events asking asking for equality, for yet we yet pride events asking for equality, equality, yet we we don’tdon’t treattreat our our community as equals as is is is don’t treat our community community as equals equals suchsuch a contradiction aa contradiction and and it really it really annoys annoys such contradiction and me. me.

We’llWe’ll all call all eacheach otherother names names me.

We’ll all call call each because because you you don’tdon’t look look the the way way you’re you’re because you don’t look ‘supposed’ ‘supposed’ to look to to fitto in a certain a certain ‘supposed’ to look look toinfit fitwith in with tribetribe or community. or Or the Or the of people of people tribe or community. community.

Or kind the kind who who will block will you you on on because because you you who will block block youGrindr on Grindr Grindr don’tdon’t look look a certain aa certain way way but on but on pride day day don’t look certain way butpride it’s okay it’s because because we’re we’re all allies, all we’re we’re all all it’s okay okay because we’re all allies, one one person for one for cause, but as butsoon as soon as as one person person for one one cause, cause, pridepride is over is it’s back it’s to those to ways.” ways.” pride is over over it’s back back to those those

Ross Ross “Dating in the the queer queer community “Dating “Dating in the in queer community community comes comes withchallenges. its challenges. challenges. feel that with with its its I feelII feel that if you’re if you’re not not skinny or muscly, muscly, then you’re not desirable skinny skinny or muscly, or thenthen you’re you’re not desirable to a lot of gay men, so I’ve found the body to a to lotaoflotgay of gay men,men, so I’ve so found I’ve the body image standards difficult to cope image image standards standards difficult difficult to cope with.with.

There’s a saying that goes ‘straight skinny, There’s There’s a saying a saying that that goesgoes ‘straight skinny, gay fat’, suggesting that you can look gay gay fat’, fat’, suggesting suggesting that that you you can look thin thin to any other person, but within the gay to any to any otherother person, person, but but within the gay community, you can still be deemed community, community, you you can can still still be deemed as as overweight.

It’s also hard to iftell if people overweight. overweight.

It’s also It’s also hardhard to tell people are interested in you, or just sex, I are are interested interested in you, in you, or just or sex, but but I suppose this also applies to all sexualities. suppose suppose this also this also applies applies to all sexualities.

Having said that, I’ve also also had of fun, Having Having said said that,that, I’ve also I’ve had a lot aoflot fun, whether it be serious or casual.

My advice whether whether it beitserious be serious or casual. or casual.

My advice My advice would be to always always be safe safe and try to not to would would be tobe always to be safe be and and try not try not to compare yourself to others or the body compare compare yourself yourself to others to others or the or the bodybody ideals within the community, people ideals ideals within within the the community, community, people people should and will love you for who you are, should should and and will love will love you you for who for who you you are, are, and if they don’t then they’re not worth and and if they if they don’tdon’t thenthen they’re they’re not not worth worth your time.” youryour time.” time.”

Did you ever feel any pressure to “come out” to your family and friends and how did that pressure affect you?

Ross “I definitely did feel pressure. When I was bullied in school for my sexuality people would tell me to 'just come out'. My cousin also done this at a family party, and it was the most horrible thing. Funnily enough he is also gay, looking back he should’ve had more understanding of how difficult it can be coming to terms with who you are. The pressure took a toll on my mental health and made it even more difficult to face coming out.”

Brian “I never felt I had to come out to anyone.

From my perspective it was no one’s business who I kissed or slept with. I felt very confident on that front and still do to this day. I always believed if you have to concern yourself with knowing if someone is gay or not for your own self-satisfaction then you are not worth my time and I’m more likely to not tell you. I don’t believe anyone should need to come out. You live your own life as does every other human being on this planet from the beginning of time to the present day.”

Derek “Coming out was a very intense, terrifying time, a moment I will remember for the rest of my life. I remember sitting down with a friend one night and it was at the tip of my tongue. I had chills down my spine, it was so scary and in that moment I remembered a friend once told me, ‘the minute someone tells someone else they’re gay, that means there’s no going back’. I stopped and thought, ‘am I doing the right thing?’.

I had to go with my head or my heart. I chose my heart and sobbed to my friend ‘I am gay and I don’t know what to do’. She

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Did you ever feel any pressure to “come out” to your family and friends and how did that pressure affect you?

Ross “I definitely did feel pressure. When I was bullied in school for my sexuality people would tell me to “just come out”. My cousin also done this at a family party, and it was the most horrible thing. Funnily enough he is also gay, looking back he should’ve had more understanding of how difficult it can be coming to terms with who you are. The pressure took a toll on my mental health and made it even more difficult to face coming out.”

Brian “I never felt I had to come out to anyone.

From my perspective it was no one’s business who I kissed or slept with. I felt very confident on that front and still do to this day. I always believed if you have to concern yourself with knowing if someone is gay or not for your own self-satisfaction then you are not worth my time and I’m more likely to not tell you. I don’t believe anyone should need to come out. You live your own life as does every other human being on this planet from the beginning of time to the present day.”

Derek

I had to go with my head or my heart. I chose my heart and sobbed to my friend ‘I am gay and I don’t know what to do’. She

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ILLUSTRATION BY BETSY FALCO

“Coming out was a very intense, terrifying time, a moment I will remember for the rest of my life. I remember sitting down with a friend one night and it was at the tip of my tongue. I had chills down my spine, it was so scary and in that moment I remembered a friend once told me, ‘the minute someone tells someone else they’re gay, that means there’s no going back’. I stopped and thought, ‘am I doing the right thing?’.

hugged me for ten minutes and said, ‘I am so proud of you’. I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I was emotional.

It took me five years to tell a friend but ten years to tell my family. My family are a very traditional family and I was so scared to tell my parents that it made me feel physically sick. The moment I told my dad will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I remember sitting at the top of the stairs and saying to him, ‘Dad there is something I really need to tell you but I just can’t get it out’. He replied with suggestions like drugs, money troubles, sickness and then he finally said, ‘you’re not gay, are you?’. I felt like shattered glass. I said yes then I ran out of the house, I was hysterical.

It was a very emotional and damaging experience for two reasons. One, the way I told my dad was not great and two, his reaction was not great. He was in shock; he hadn’t known anyone to be gay in our family or friends. My dad now fully accepts me and understand my sexuality and has never made me feel that way ever again.

I understand now that I just needed him to understand me and I gave him time to.

Your worst dread is not having the support of your family and although at first it wasn’t supportive, through time we are closer than ever.”

Lewis “I don’t really remember getting a whole lot of bother in school, the first four years I played it ‘straight’, or as straight as I could when everyone knew I was gay, but nobody ever brought it up to my face.

When it was time for people to know, I didn’t actually get that moment to myself, it was kind of ripped away from me by people that I thought I could trust.

Evidently, I shouldn’t have trusted them, but I honestly couldn’t be happier it happened that way because as soon as people knew, it felt like a release for me to

just say – these are my likes and interests, however flamboyant and feminine they might be. I didn’t have to act a certain way anymore it became a kind of ‘screw you I’ll do what I want’ attitude from that point on.

It made me be authentically myself which was all I could have wanted.”

Sarah “In a way I think I did feel some kind of pressure to come out, but more so due to the fact that I felt like it would be easier for them to understand if I had explained that I also like women, rather than potentially meeting and bringing a woman to meet my family later on without having told them beforehand. I feel that in some cases it eases them into the idea and gives them time to process. I know there are mixed reactions and it’s a very valid fear for a lot of people that their family will take it badly.

In some sense I’ve experienced that too when I came out to my sister the very first time by telling her I liked women and men.

It was ingrained in her that it was disgusting and greedy, and she reacted by telling me as much. I ended up going back on what I’d said in a panic and acting as though I had only been joking to see her reaction.

It was only in recent years that I came out to my mum, after being in a nine year relationship with a man, and then another relationship with a man that lasted a year.

I don’t think she could get her head around the fact that I’d been with a man for so long, and yet I’m more inclined toward women.

Every now and then, even to this day, she will occasionally tell me I might meet a nice man someday, fall in love and have kids. I could, she’s right, but to be honest... I don’t feel the same attraction toward men as I do women. But in short yeah, I did feel some kind of pressure to come out, but not necessarily for the same reasons others do.”

Growing Pains 145

Alex

Emma

“In terms of my sexuality, I really didn’t feel the pressure to come out to my family. I only told my mum because I wanted advice on a girl I liked and, although at first she thought I was too young, after a while she was more supportive. With my friends, I didn’t feel much pressure either as another friend had come out the week before and that gave me the confidence to do it too.”

“I never felt like my sexuality was a struggle and just always considered myself straight but I have always thought other women are attractive. I think as women we often try hard to make ourselves look and feel attractive, so that seemed obvious to me that I would appreciate that quality in other women the same way I hoped they would see that in me, I guess.

Is there anything related to your sexuality that was complicated for you and how did you deal with it?

Derek “Growing up, I went through a traumatic experience that not many know about for personal reasons. I believe that factors into the reasons I am gay. Also growing up there was a friend who was a boy and we began to have a sexual relationship but only after we were drinking. We never spoke about it ever when we sober.

We would wake up the next day and never talk about it. This really messed with my head and caused me anxiety.

Every time we were drunk, he would want to show me affection through text and in person but when we were sober, he didn’t show me any affection. What I learned from this situation was to never forget how amazing you are and don’t ever lose sight of your self-worth. I remember one day when he was trying to text and call me I just stopped responding which gave me back control of the situation. My advice for anyone in a similar situation would be that it’s not wrong to start building a relationship or connection with someone but communication is key. Make sure you are on the same page.”

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I think a lot of the effort is part of this ritual we engage in to be accepted or appreciated by other women, but I also think there’s a fine line between whether you appreciate that in the same sex or whether you are attracted to it. Or basically whether you find someone attractive or desirable.

In a way that’s deeper than physical attraction, a part of me feels like women have such power and vulnerability at the same time and there’s just something about being a woman that is inherently sexy. That really simplifies it - and it could be some kind of evolutionary thing where we’re supposed to feel sexy, who knows, but to me personally I think it’s a nobrainer that women are hot.

I think looking back I’ve had moments where partners have questioned my sexuality or made jokes about it and I felt confused by that. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realised it’s not that uncommon to think other girls are hot but just not necessarily see yourself in a relationship with one, or feel like you haven’t met any girls that you’ve had a romantic interest in.

I think romantic and sexual interests can be different for people too and I don’t think that’s really been normalised yet because there’s been so much heteronormativity ingrained in society, and that has made it complicated to explore or express any nuance between gay and not gay.”

Brian

“I was always so afraid of being accepted – or opposing, hated for being who I am. I gave myself a lot of complexes concerning who I was and who I wanted to be seen as.

I never wanted to be known as Brian the Gay Guy because that alone doesn’t define who I am. I suppose with age and experience, and not caring as much what other people think has made me stronger and able to settle into the person I am inside, and to be that person on the outside comfortably.”

Ross

“Growing up gay resulted in me struggling with my mental health. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety from a young age. Even after coming out, I still struggled because the effects of the bullying that I experienced growing up stayed with me for a long time. To tackle it I ended up on depression and anxiety medication, focused on working out and bettering myself, and surrounding myself with the right people. I still have issues with my mental health, however they’re a lot easier to manage now.”

Hannah “When I was younger, I was always more of a ‘tomboy’, dresses and make-up weren’t really my thing. I remember when I was really young being jealous of my brother, thinking I just wanted to be a boy because I wanted to wear the same things he did. Especially back then people had a lot of opinions on your sexuality that were linked to how you looked or dressed, which made me question where my head was at for a long time.

There’s also been times where I’ve changed my dating websites to all genders thinking that’s the right thing for me. I can look at a woman and find her very attractive, as I think most women do. I always thought that meant that I wanted to be with a woman but with more time and more relationships I’ve realised that it doesn’t have to be that black and white. I feel lucky to be living in the time we are now where things are much more fluid and there doesn’t have to be an answer for everything. As long as everyone is happy then we should all be happy and respect that.”

Alex

ILLUSTRATION BY KATIE SMITH

“As a trans guy, I’ve gone through a lot of labels and honestly I’m still figuring it all out now. When I started primary school I remember thinking ’I would marry that girl if I was a boy’ so I’ve always known I was interested in girls. In my teenage years, I experimented a bit with boys but I think one of the main reasons I didn’t feel particularly comfortable was the fact that I was still coming to terms with my gender identity.

My friend group in secondary school was really supportive and never made comments if I said I liked a girl or a boy, they just kind of went with the flow and I realise now that that was the best way they could have helped me. If I’d had to have deep chats etc. then I think that would have stressed me out more and I wouldn’t have had the space I needed to learn what was best for me.”

Growing Pains 147

Brian

“I was always so afraid of being accepted – or opposing, hated for being who I am. I gave myself a lot of complexes concerning who I was and who I wanted to be seen as.

I never wanted to be known as Brian The Gay Guy because that alone doesn’t define who I am. I suppose with age and experience, and not caring as much what other people think has made me stronger and able to settle into the person I am inside, and to be that person on the outside comfortably.”

Ross

“Growing up gay resulted in me struggling with my mental health. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety from a young age. Even after coming out, I still struggled because the effects of the bullying that I experienced growing up stayed with me for a long time. To tackle it I ended up on depression and anxiety medication, focused on working out and bettering myself, and surrounding myself with the right people. I still have issues with my mental health, however they’re a lot easier to manage now.”

Alex “As a trans guy, I’ve gone through a lot of labels and honestly I’m still figuring it all out now. When I started primary school I remember thinking ’I would marry that girl if I was a boy’ so I’ve always known I was interested in girls. In my teenage years, I experimented a bit with boys but I think one of the main reasons I didn’t feel particularly comfortable was the fact that I was still coming to terms with my gender identity.

My friend group in secondary school was really supportive and never made comments if I said I liked a girl or a boy, they just kind of went with the flow and I realise now that that was the best way they could have helped me. If I’d had to have deep chats etc. then I think that would have stressed me out more and I wouldn’t have had the space I needed to learn what was best for me.”

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Hannah “When I was younger, I was always more of a ‘tomboy’, dresses and make-up weren’t really my thing. I remember when I was really young being jealous of my brother, thinking I just wanted to be a boy because I wanted to wear the same things he did. Especially back then people had a lot of opinions on your sexuality that were linked to how you looked or dressed, which made me question where my head was at for a long time.

There’s also been times where I’ve changed my dating websites to all genders thinking that’s the right thing for me. I can look at a woman and find her very attractive, as I think most women do. I always thought that meant that I wanted to be with a woman but with more time and more relationships I’ve realised that it doesn’t have to be that black and white. I feel lucky to be living in the time we are now where things are much more fluid and there doesn’t have to be an answer for everything. As long as everyone is happy then we should all be happy and respect that.”

What is something you wish you understood more about sexuality growing up?

Kayleigh “I wish I understood how fluid sexuality is in general. There were so many stereotypes at the time that seemed to be forced to go hand in hand with sexuality too. For me growing up I felt like I had to be either Gay or Straight. Neither of which truly resonated with me at the time.

I wasn't accepting of my masculinity as a woman and femininity made me uncomfortable, forced on me by my mother now and again. Now I find myself comfortably bisexual, being accepting and attracted to both masculinity and femininity regardless of the persons gender and I openly embrace both my masculine and feminine sides.”

Ross Ross “I just “I just wishwish I was I was ableable to understand to understand that that it’s it’s okayokay to be to gay, be gay, and and there’s there’s moremore people people out out therethere like like me. me.

ThatThat way way I I wouldn’t wouldn’t havehave grown grown up hating up hating myself myself and and wasting wasting so much so much timetime of my oflife myconstantly life constantly trying trying to betosomething be something I wasn’t.”

I wasn’t.”

Alex Alex “I wish “I wish I knew I knew that that the first the first timetime you you come come out doesn’t out doesn’t define define youryour identity identity for the for rest the rest of your of your life. life.

When When I was I was thirteen, thirteen, I came I came out as outbisexual as bisexual and and felt so feltanxious so anxious that that I I had had to stick to stick with with that that labellabel forever.” forever.”

Helen Helen “I think “I think fromfrom a very a very young young age age I was I was exposed exposed to sex to sex in movies in movies and and television television programmes, programmes, and and sexual sexual discussions discussions on on late late nightnight talk talk shows, shows, so I so kind I kind of got of a got a falsefalse interpretation interpretation of sex of because sex because nonenone of of that that was was real.real.

I started I started watching watching pornporn fromfrom a young a young age age as well as well and and thought thought that’s that’s whatwhat sex was sex was going going to betolike. be like.

ILLUSTRATION BY MABEL DUCKER

I feltI like felt sex like sex was was moremore of a of performance a performance thanthan a connection. a connection.

I think I think I relied I relied uponupon the the visuals visuals of sex of sex moremore thanthan the feeling, the feeling, so I so I wishwish I had I had known known whatwhat a more a more realistic realistic portrayal portrayal of sex of sex looked looked like. like.

To be Tohonest be honest I’m still I’m learning still learning whatwhat feelsfeels goodgood and and how how to communicate to communicate that that to someone to someone else.else.

I I thinkthink filmsfilms and and stuffstuff made made me feel me feel like sex like sex was was about about being being desirable desirable and and that that someone someone else else would would just know just know whatwhat to do. to do.

Or about Or about having having to play to play a certain a certain role role for for them, them, and and themthem having having to play to play a certain a certain role role for me for too.” me too.”

Brian Brian “I’ve“I’ve always always understood understood my own my own sexuality sexuality but but not not fully fully accepted accepted it, but it, but because because I I understood understood it, Iit,didn’t I didn’t havehave a lot a of lot of questions questions growing growing up. Iup. followed I followed my own my own pathpath and and learned learned the lessons the lessons I didI along did along the way.” the way.”

Derek Derek “Growing “Growing up I up wish I wish sexuality sexuality wasn’t wasn’t suchsuch a a taboo taboo subject. subject.

The The first first timetime I ever I ever heard heard about about homosexuality homosexuality was was when when a boy a boy in in my class my class came came out in outschool in school and and it was it was really really the talk the talk of the of school. the school.

I had I had never never properly properly thought thought or talked or talked about about it until it until that that moment. moment.

I always I always had had a feeling a feeling but itbut was it was way way tucked tucked into a into very a very darkdark holehole that that I kept I kept closed closed for years. for years.

When When the boy the came boy came out itout gave it gave me shivers me shivers and and scared scared me and me and that that was was the day the day that that I I knewknew I was I was gay. gay.

If there If there was was moremore discussion discussion and and information information in school in school and and in the in the media media growing growing up itupwould it would havehave made made it easier it easier to learn to learn and and figure figure out who out who I was, I was, and and understand understand myself, myself, and and accept accept as well as well as adapt as adapt to my to sexuality my sexuality much much easier easier thanthan I did.”

I did.”

Growing Pains 149

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Contraception

Being a woman doesn’t always feel pretty, sexy or even simply comfortable. The many things women endure to feel in control of their own bodies are complex and misunderstood.

Growing up at the mercy of synthetic hormones is just one of those things, but it’s a topic which is often considered to be private and as a result people suffer in silence.

Young people are commonly encouraged to take contraception for a multitude of reasons beyond their sexual health. They are told it will regulate their cycles, banish hormonal acne, lessen the effects of PMS or migraines, and reduce their risk of ovarian cysts or uterine cancer.

They are informed that hormonal contraception can assist with conditions like polycystic ovary syndrome (which affects the function of the ovaries), cystitis (which inflames the bladder) and endometriosis (where tissue destined for the uterus grows in other regions of the pelvis instead, which can be agonising).

Contraceptive side effects are rarely highlighted in person during GP appointments. Usually these only make an appearance in a tiny passage within a medication leaflet, alongside the assurance that the risk of them occurring is low.

It’s difficult for teenagers to accurately make distinctions between what changes are naturally occurring in their body and mind, and what changes are unpleasant side effects.

ILLUSTRATION BY FLORENCIA FUERTES

At a young age, red flags can easily be confused for developing personality traits. Despite mental health becoming a less stigmatised subject, young people can still fear the social repercussions of expressing their struggles.

They are more likely to be told they are “crazy”, “emotional” or “unstable” (or more seriously they are diagnosed as depressive, suicidal and anxious) before the topic of contraceptive side effects even enters the arena.

Most women are deep into their twenties before they realise they have gone down a rabbit hole of lost time, damaged relationships, alien behaviour and additional medication they did not need - only to come to the conclusion that the synthetic hormones they were ingesting did not agree with their bodies.

I asked fifteen women about their experiences using different contraception methods to highlight how varied the side effects can be, and to show that you shouldn’t rely on the experience of those around you to make your decision for you. Everyone will react to contraception differently.

I hope this educates people who don’t realise how drastically different and how detrimental those side effects can be, and I hope it inspires others to consider switching their contraception before they change something unnecessary about themselves.

Growing Pains 151

C�tRaCePtIvE PiLl + Clear skin + Light/no periods + No cramps - Mood swings - Weight gain - Daily headaches - Irritability - Tearful and argumentative - Would regularly forget to take it - Almost complete drop in sex drive - Dry eyes which was annoying for contact lenses

+ Simple + Convenient + No insertion process - Depression - Can easily forget to take - Increased body hair

+ Mini pill works best for me, no periods or side effects apart from occasional spotting - Constant mood swings - Horrible headaches - Bloating - No protection from STDs

+ Reliable + Effective + Helps with PCOS

- Massive depression - Anger - Bleeding for six weeks

- I became pregnant despite using the pill

+ Low maintenance + Less cramps - Weight gain

+ Easy to stop and start whenever you want + No needles or invasive procedures + More control over my period cycle - Easy to forget to take - No mood swings or effects on my mental health

-PMS symptoms all the time -Grumpy

- I have to set a phone reminder - Combined pill caused a growth on my cervix which had to be surgically removed - I was on the combined pill for years before a doctor told me it was unsuitable for me because I have a maternal history of stroke and cervical cancer

+ No weight gain + Regular periods + No mood swings + Feel most myself with this + Best method for me + Helps my acne - Hard to remember to take

+ Non-invasive, no pain and easy to take + Good for being able to ‘control’ period timings + Helped with my skin/acne - Had to try various pills to find one that worked for me - Extremely heavy periods, I would regularly be sick and faint during my period - Repeat trips to the doctor for prescription check-ups were inconvenient - Some pills gave me massive mood swings which were hard to cope with

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+No periods +No weight gain +Worked amazing for me

C�tRaCePtIvE ImPlAnT + Don’t have to remember anything

+ 3 year functioning time was great

+ Minimal cramps

+ Loved not having to think about it daily + Minimal fuss having it inserted, as opposed to an IUD + No huge hormonal surges/mood swings + Only had a period for 2-3 months initially then no periods or PMS symptoms for the rest of the 3 years + No negatives for me, it worked really well and I will definitely get another

+ Stable moods + Generally happier and less stressed + High sex drive + Pain free insertion + Best method for me + Periods stop after 3 months - Missed periods due to pregnancy aren’t obvious, which can lead to unwanted pregnancies. I used tests regularly just in case - Weight gain

+Lasted for 3 years

- Blemished skin

+Stopped period entirely for 2 years -Initially had periods for 6 months until it settled

- More noticeable PMS

-Don’t like being able to feel it in my arm -Felt nauseous during the removal procedure + Don’t need to remember to take anything - Low moods + Lasts 3 years - Crazy periods, either nothing for 6 months or bleeding every day - I’m afraid of needles and felt really uncomfortable

+ Lasts 3 years

having it inserted and removed

+ Stress free - Insertion was uncomfortable

+ Worked amazing for a year + No periods at all - Suddenly started to bleed so much I had to have an emergency removal before I lost any more

- Bled for 12 weeks straight - Reduced ferritin levels (iron stores)

+ Effective - Painful insertion - Migraines - Weight gain

- Frequent mood swings - Skin break outs and sensitivity

Growing Pains 153

C�tRaCePtIvE JaG + Lasts 3 months - I began to suffer from depression and anxiety - Anger, aggression and tearfulness - Made me feel the least like myself - Side effects lasted 7 months after the jag should have worn off - If it doesn’t agree with you, you can’t have it removed like the implant or stop taking it like the pill - The worst contraception for me

+ No mental health side effects + I feel balanced with this + Best contraception for me - Increased appetite which can lead to unwanted weight gain

- I gained 3 stones in a few months - A lot of water retention in my body - Made my skin flare up

N�-h�m�aL IuD + No weight gain or skin changes + Lasts 10 years + Don’t have to remember anything + Freedom from synthetic hormones + Good for having a break but I found it hard to get used to hormonal contraception afterwards - Very painful insertion - Back pain - Severe cramps - Significantly heavier periods - Bad night sweats - Strings can be difficult to check for

+ Works after 1 week + Hormone free + Very effective + Can be removed - Uncomfortable insertion - Extremely painful periods - Can move out of place

- Extremely painful insertion - Regular, heavy, painful periods which haven’t improved after a year - Considering removing as its disruptive to my life each month

- Had for three years after giving birth but the coil moved and had to be surgically removed - The migration of the IUD was very painful, I ended up falling down a flight of stairs when it happened - The doctor wouldn’t put another in due to my scoliosis, they felt it was too risky for me

154

h�m�aL IuD + Eased heavy bleeding caused by menopause - Felt shaky the next day - Heart palpitations also started the next day - I felt frightened but a doctor told me the symptoms were unrelated despite starting the next day - Increased blood pressure, had to be monitored by doctors before my knee replacement surgery

- I had my non-hormonal coil changed to a hormonal coil and the procedure was very uncomfortable and painful even whilst using strong painkillers - Chest pains - Frequent panic attacks and debilitating anxiety. I think this was dude to suddenly having synthetic hormones in my body again, but it could have been a coincidence - I had to pay around £100 for it to be privately removed, as the NHS refused to remove it for me after 1 month despite the negative side effects + I was really anxious about the removal and expected it to be as painful as having one IUD removed and another inserted was, but when it was just a removal procedure I felt virtually no pain or discomfort which was a relief

RhYtHm�mEtHoD + Had no cycle after mini-pill so used this method for 8-10 months + By far the healthiest my body has ever felt - Had to record my temperature every morning - Takes a while to get a true reading of your cycle

+ I used this method to fall pregnant instead, which worked after 1 month of planning my first fertile window. I’m not 100% I could rely on it as a contraceptive method

+ Had no cycle rhythm after years of using contraception so I tried this method to regulate my period and ended up having a baby!

Growing Pains 155

The narrative of abortion has been almost exclusively related to indecision and misery.

Women are raised to feel uncomfortable and embarrassed talking about termination procedures, when in reality they are a very common shared experience.

1 in 3 women will have an abortion by the age of forty-five.

These experiences are personal and not usually a topic women openly discuss. There is an associated cultural stigma and shame.

The lack of conversation can lead to urban legends and horror stories believed by women and men alike.

Most women don’t accurately know what happens during a termination procedure until they have one themselves.

156

One of the main myths surrounding abortion is the idea of “carelessness”. That’s often far from the truth.

Research into young women’s experiences of unintended pregnancy and abortion by Louise Bury, Lesley Hoggart and Victoria Louise Newton in 2015 shows that

57%

of women were actually using contraception when they became pregnant.

Even if a woman wants to have children, there are so many reasons why she may not be in the position to have any at the time she becomes pregnant; ranging from medical reasons and foetal abnormalities, to sexual assault, relationship problems, work/school responsibilities, money struggles, religious reasons or fear of partners and parents.

In January of 2020, the Turnaway Study showed that one week after their termination procedure,

97.5% of women

felt that they had done the right thing.

Five years on the statistic of women in the study who felt “relief” and not “regret” increased to

99%.

It’s time for less stigma and more understanding when it comes to the topic of abortion. The following stories hope to put some myths to rest and let any young woman who is in a similar situation know that they will be okay.

Growing Pains 157

A LETTER TO MY EIGHTEEN-YEAROLD SELF WITH MIKALA

“You will know when you are pregnant. You will sense it somehow.

It will feel different from the other times when you’d run to the pharmacy with your first boyfriend, panicked about the 2% chance of a condom failing.

This time you’ll feel an overwhelming intuition paired with an early morning queasiness. The test you’ll take is just a confirmation, not a ‘what if’. It’s positive, although that word carries a certain irony in this situation.”

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“You’ll panic, feeling like the situation isn’t real as you make your way to the clinic with a boy you no longer know. It’s past walk-in hours but just call the clinic, explain that this is an emergency and they’ll tell you to come straight in.

IUD is 98% effective in protecting against pregnancies.

Even though you don’t realise it yet, this process is going to be straightforward.

Your boyfriend at the time will tell you to look away from the ultrasound screen so you’ll never know what it looked like and you’ll always wonder if that was fair. It definitely seems unfair that nothing will happen to his body.

Don’t put a fake name on the form, there’s no point. The form will have an option for whether or not the clinic can send any follow up letters to your home address, so you won’t need to have a conversation about this with your parents if you don’t want to.

You have to wait another week before the termination. Since you’re two months along, you’ll experience pretty intense morning sickness which your anxiety will drag out for the entire day. Getting out of bed will feel difficult for the week.

If you start to feel embarrassed or reduced to a statistic when the nurse asks you seemingly obvious and unnecessary questions, try not to take them personally or feel that you’re being judged. Keep in mind those questions aren’t there to hurt you, they’re there to help protect womxn who may need more support than they’re getting at home.

Your boyfriend will want you to keep all of this a secret, refusing to even acknowledge that you’re having an abortion or that you might have feelings you want to talk through.

Instead he’ll pretend it isn’t happening which will make you feel totally alone.

The first appointment will be over relatively quickly and you’ll be scheduled for an ultrasound in a week, which might feel long at first but it’ll pass faster than you think.

Go home and do some research on the best procedure for you. There are two main types of abortion procedures - medical and surgical. You decide to go for the surgical procedure because you’ll be under general anaesthetic for it, which means you won’t be awake.

The doctor will tell you that they would like to place a long-term method of contraception (an IUD) into your uterus after they perform the surgery, which is common with surgical abortions.

By now you might feel as though you’re in a haze when you agree to the IUD, almost like a child being told off. On the plus side, you won’t have to worry about being in this position again any time soon since the

When the day comes, you’ll sit in the hospital waiting room for five minutes before you’re ushered through to a patient room.

You will get changed into a gown and wait on the bed. Unfortunately your boyfriend won’t be allowed to wait with you. Next, you’ll be wheeled into surgery and told to count back from ten as you’re put under anaesthetic. You will be okay.

Afterwards you’ll open your eyes and come to. The first thing you’ll notice is that your relentless nausea has disappeared. You’ll feel groggy from the anaesthetic and some pain in your uterus but overall, you’ll feel relieved. The procedure is finished, it’s all over and you got through it. You’ll feel eighteen again.

Know that your experience is just one of many and feel lucky that yours was peaceful.

If I could offer you some more advice - dump that boy and move on!

Oh, and stop drawing your eyebrows on like that because it looks genuinely horrifying.”

Growing Pains 159

160 ILLUSTRATION BY FLORENCIA FUERTES

Abortions

What Happens, Where and When W IT H ALEX

How did you find out you were pregnant?

"About two weeks after falling pregnant I had a feeling which I can’t describe. After a week or two, I felt like everything in my life was screaming at me 'you’re pregnant!'; television shows where a woman has a child, a film I’ve seen a million times, a song with the word baby in it. I felt like the universe was telling me that I was pregnant.

On a Monday morning when my boyfriend went to work, I told my mum that I thought I was pregnant. We rushed to the shop for a test and within three seconds of taking it, the two tell-tale lines were beaming."

What did you do once you found out?

"I took the test early in the morning so after I tested positive, we had to wait a few hours before I could contact my doctor. I was freaking out and my mum was trying to comfort me.

Later I made an appointment with my GP for the same day then he referred me for another appointment with an antenatal clinic in the local hospital within a few days."

What happened at the appointment?

"For me the first antenatal appointment was horrible so I was glad that I took my mum for moral support. It started off with a nurse checking my blood pressure and trying to put

me at ease. I was eager to communicate to her that this was an accident and I was absolutely certain about my decision to terminate the pregnancy.

When the doctor came in, he went through a questionnaire and wanted to talk me through a lot of other options other than aborting. He wasn’t necessarily trying to change my mind but I felt frustrated repeating myself.

Afterwards he confirmed the pregnancy with a vaginal ultrasound. I expected it to be an abdominal ultrasound but since I was only five weeks along it was too difficult to see the foetus that way.

He then quadruple-checked that I was sure about my decision, before talking me through what would happen during a medical abortion and giving me two tablets to take.

The tablets cause the uterus to break down its lining and expel the embryo. I had to stay at the GP’s office for twenty minutes to make sure I wasn’t sick and then I could go home. The entire appointment lasted for about an hour and a half."

How soon after was the procedure?

"After I’d taken the tablets, I had to come within two to three days for the termination.

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Thewith girlsevere in my abdominal room was cramping, being sick in the How soon the eager procedure?

Atafter first,was I was to get the procedurevery unwell for mostTheofgirl the timeroom that I was and diarrhoea. in my After I’d taken the tablets, I hadastoquickly come back over and done with as possible.bleeding toilet there kept going useofa the toilet on a sick so in Ithe toilet for to most within two to three days for the termination.

I kept worrying about being sick because was being ward.

It was inconvenient I was there so I kept going to use a but I I knew that I’d have to go back andtime thatdifferent she Itwas probably feeling as At first, I take was eager to get the procedure over didn’ttoilet on aunderstood different ward. was inconvenient more tablets, and I really unwell as did. probably I think the tablet sheI was feeling as affected nd donewant with this as quickly as to possible.

I kept out anybut I understood process be dragged bothI in different ways.affected us unwell asusI did. think the tablet worryinglonger. about being sick because I knew both in different ways. hat I’d have to go back and take more I was told that every time I went to Then I was worried.

I was worried that ablets, and I really didn’t want this process the that bathroom, I would to take a I would like a weight had been liftedI was told every time I wenthave to the o be dragged outfeel any longer. basket andhave place it into the toilet off my shoulders or that I might not cry orbathroom, I would to take a basket and bowl.

Afterwards a nurse would the wouldn’t feel bad, and that would mean I place it into the toilet bowl. Afterwardscheck a hen I was worried. I was worried that I basket mywhen uterus had don’t the checktotheknow basketwhen to know would feel like ahave weight hadmaternal been liftedgene off myin me. Inurse would expelled lining and worried it would I was worriedmy uteruscompletely had completely expelledthe the lining houlderswas or that I might not cryhurt. or wouldn’t embryo.

I could go home after that that the nurses might judge me." and embryo. I could go home after that eel bad, and that would mean I don’t have happened. happened. he maternal gene in me. I was worried it would hurt.

I was worried that What happened on the the nurses day of the To be honest, the pain felt unbearable at To be honest, the pain unbearable the might judge me. termination? the time.

My felt mum, dad andatboyfriend all time. Mycame Mum,to Dad and boyfriend all came see me throughout the visiting to see mehours throughout thereally visitingfortunate hours andthat I I had and I felt "Let me just start by saying I’d heard felt reallypeople fortunate that I had people who What happened on the day of the who were there to hold my hand some scary things from other people were there towipe hold my my tears. hand and wipe tried my to his ermination? and My dad about their experiences and mine was tears. Mybest Dadtotried to his best to take et me just start by saying I’d heard some take my mind off themysituation, not like that. I was as comfortable as mind off which the situation, which I appreciated cary things from other people about their I appreciated deeply because I can be considering the circumstances. deeply because I know some Dads mightnot not try to xperience and my experience was not like know some fathers might try to be there for their daughters in that hat. I Iwas as comfortable as can be was advised to bring slippers and be there for their daughters in onsidering the circumstances. a dressing gown along with me toscenario.that scenario. the hospital.

The antenatal three hours of going between mybetween was advised to bring slippers and a dressing After about three hours of going department provided me with a robeAfter about the bed bathroom, I could tell that I had tell that own along to the hospital.

The seemedbed and my and the bathroom, I could and with a me nappy, which initially ntenatalextreme. department provided me with a passed the embryo.

I asked nurse to I had passed the the embryo.

I be asked the sure and nurse she gave nodand and she told gave me she obe and a nappy, which initially seemed to me be asure me a nod Again, I was really early along so I was in would beand backtold to check onwould me soon. xtreme. me she be back to check on and out within four fours. I was given four me soon. tablets, andin two Again, I was reallytwo early vaginally along so I was and anally,I didn’t feel sad. It was obviously an I Ididn’t feel tosad.

It was which was Ipretty strange and not what Iexperience didn’t want go through but obviously I ut within four fours. was given four tablets, an experience I didn’t want to go through room withwasn’t ready to have a child. People can was expecting. was given wo vaginally and two Ianally, which a was butand I wasn’t ready to want havefora child. six beds and what one Itoilet between me andshame you judge you all they retty strange and not was expecting.

People canbut shame you judge one aother having an abortion it was myand choice to you all was given roomgirl. with six beds and one they want for having an abortion make. My other option at the time would but it oilet between me and one other girl.

After about twenty minutes I started to was choice to make. that My other have been to my endure a pregnancy I did option feel very unwell with intense abdominal at the time would have been to endure a After about twenty minutes I started to feel cramping, bleeding and diarrhoea. pregnancy that I did not want.

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I don’t feel guilty for acknowledging that you feel similar is right.situation?

I told my family and my not want.

I didn’t want to have a child at that point in boyfriendMy but nobody forcedasme to do do what you advice, as cliché it sounds; my life, or that Ifeel likely would I knew as Isoon as family I took and the my boyfriend is right. told my I don’t guilty for have acknowledging that I anything.feel resenteddidn’t my life if I to had kept it. I am okay thatforced I didn’t have I knew buttest nobody mewant to dotoanything. want have a child at that point in my pregnancy with admitting currently anythe time soon. test that I asthat soontime, as I or took pregnancy life, or that that IIam likely would too have resented my a baby at selfish, and steady myself as admitting didn’t want to have a baby at that time, or life not if I had keptenough it. I aminokay with a personthat to raise anylike timejust soon.because you are in I amanother currentlyone tooyet. selfish, and not steady Don’t feel enough in myself as a person to raise another a position where you could have a baby I feel bad Don’t feel (living like just because you are in a onethat yet. I don’t feel bad about it. and 'make it work' situation, I know some people would hate position where you could have a baby and relationship, income) that you should if it’s that, andI feeltheir opinion about what I it work” bad that I don’t feel bad about it. I know not what“make you truly want.(living situation, relationship, should have done would be so strong income), that you should if it’s not what you some people would hate that, and their and so opinion open, yet somehow my have opinion about what I should done would Looking truly back,want.

I wish I had been even is taboo be andsoinvalid to them. strong and so open, yet somehow my more careful with contraception but wishmake I hadme been opinion is taboo and invalid to them. there isLooking nobody back, who Ican feeleven more careful but there is guilty and that’s with how I contraception know I made the nobody who can make me feel guilty and right choice." that’s how I know I made the right choice.

Any advice for how to support someone through that moment in their What happened afterwards?

Any advice for how to support someone life? through that moment in their life?

"I was given some nappiesafterwards? and told to treat like you’re What happened "People People treat you likeyou you’re going going to be to be down monitor the bleeding for any blood clots a long timeororhate hateyourself. yourself. They tiptoe I was given some nappies and told to monitor down forfor a long time bigger than a 50p coin.

I was told if that around the the subject, scared to upset you. the bleeding for any blood clots bigger than a They tiptoe around subject, scared happened50p then I should thehappened then I When you aren’t upset, they look coin.

I was contact told if that to upset you. When you aren’t upset, at you as hospital immediately. I also wasn’t allowed lying you’re or something should contact the hospital immediately. I they lookthough at youyou’re as though lying oris wrong to leave until I had decided on a withis you for with not feeling the way they expect also wasn’t allowed to leave until I had something wrong you for not contraception to start taking. I chose the pill youway to. they expect you to. decided on a contraception to start taking. I feeling the and I’ve taken it ever since. chose the pill and I’ve taken it ever since.

Theisreality is not thatlike it’s the not movies. like the movies. An The reality that it’s I had pretty severe cramps and blood clots abortion doesn’t equate to regret and I had pretty severe cramps and blood clots for An abortion doesn’t equate to regret for another few days. The medical loathing so don’t make somebody feel like fewlike days.

The medical is and loathing so don’t make somebody abortion another is basically a forced period abortion so those emotions are the basically like a forced period so your uterus feel like those emotions are the only only acceptable or your uterus will bleed for around a week appropriate ones.. ones. bleed aroundreturn a week or appropriate and afterwillthat youforshould to and yourafter that acceptable should yoursex natural natural you cycle.

You return can to have againcycle. You I’m comfortable in knowing that I am a can have sex again whenever you are ready I’m comfortable whenever you are ready to." in knowing that I am emotional to. a loving, loving, caring,caring, emotional womanwoman and I and I know a monster.I don’t I don’tfeel feelgood good about the Do you have any advice for someone in know I’mI’m notnot a monster. termination but I feel better now than if I’d a similar situation? about the termination but I feel better went with a with pregnancy I wasn’t Do you have any advice for someone in a now than if I’dthrough went through a ready for. ready for."

"My advice, as cliché as it sounds; do what pregnancy I wasn’t

It’s all opinions until “It’s all opinions it’s happening to you.” until it’s happening to you.”

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ILLUSTRATIONS BY SOPHY SMITH

• •

•

Pregnancy •

•

Being pregnant and giving birth are experiences which vary from person to person, with so much pressure put on people to enjoy their pregnancy, maintain a healthy diet, exercise, pick a name, decorate a nursery - the list goes on.

It can be both overwhelming and isolating at a time when a person is already just trying to do their best. Here, four women talk about how they found out they were pregnant, what the experience has been like for them, and what they wished they knew in the beginning.

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•

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• Growing Pains 165

• Stacey "I had been out with friends two days prior drinking and I was wondering why my hangover was so bad, I couldn't keep water down and I felt really sick. Then it clicked and I took a test and within ten minutes and it was positive. I then had to go to work and keep it together for a whole shift in complete shock."

• Michelle "I had been tracking my periods but they were really irregular. On the day I was due I decided to just do a test but the timing was terrible, I was babysitting and my husband wasn't home. I had a really faint positive, and I kind of knew then that I was pregnant. When he got home and I showed him, he didn't really believe me so I retested with a digital test in the morning and there was no mistaking it was a positive."

• Joan "I was really sick at work for a week and the next week my manager said to me 'do you think this sickness has got legs?', so I went home and my sister brought me a pregnancy test from the shop. It was positive but we didn't believe it so we went to the GP for a urine test to be sure and even after that my husband wanted me to call the GP and ask them to check again."

• Caitlin "With my first I had no idea until around six or seven weeks when I went to eat my smoked salmon salad that I would normally have every day at work and gagged at the first mouthful. For whatever reason I instantly knew I was pregnant but I was too scared to take a test and make it 'real'. Two days later we went on holiday to Turkey and the first day I blurted out that I thought I was pregnant and eight tests from the pharmacy across the road later, we confirmed that I was!"

• Stacey "We weren't trying but we both knew I wasn't on any contraception and if it happened, it happened.

We didn't want to put pressure on ourselves."

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• Michelle "We were trying to get pregnant for about three years so it has already been quite a long road to get to this point. There's been times on and off since then that we've taken a break from trying because it was really affecting my mental health. We had 'unexplained infertility' according to the GP and I probably could have fought harder to be referred to a fertility clinic but I didn't have the energy at that point.

We really didn't think this was going to happen for us and were starting to get serious about adoption or fostering in the months before we found out."

• Joan "We were trying for about three years."

• Caitlin "My first baby - we weren't actively 'trying' but I had been off contraception for around six months. The second pregnancy, we tried for around three or four months but unfortunately had a miscarriage and then we fell pregnant for a third time exactly six weeks later."

• Stacey "The first trimester was horrible, I couldn't eat or drink without being sick or feeling nauseous. I also went off most foods but apart from that I've really enjoyed being pregnant as there isn't much else to look forward to right now."

• Michelle "I've found pregnancy to be pretty difficult. The changes to my body seem to be constant and just when I get used to one thing something else changes.

I've been surprised at just how hard it's been. I think going through it during the pandemic and being way more isolated than normal has made it much harder, there are so many things I dreamed of doing when I finally got pregnant that I just can't do at the moment (and with only ten weeks left I probably won't get to do).

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What's really surprised me was some of the things people do and say that they think are helpful but are absolutely not, there is a dark side to some women that you don't notice until you're pregnant where every time you mention a symptom or being tired you're met with 'oh just you wait!' as if having the baby is something to dread.

Even my own mum once said that considering how long we were trying for, she thought I'd be much happier to be pregnant. Pregnancy is a huge mental and physical toll for me, but that doesn't make me want or love my baby any less."

• Joan "It was horrific, I was sick for sixteen weeks solid. I couldn't leave the house, I couldn't drink water and my work more or less said they would need to give my job to someone else.

After sixteeen weeks it stopped and I was fine, it was easy from then on. I was surprised about the heartburn and the cravings I had. I wanted citrus fruits and I used to buy about six packets of those loveheart sweets from the shop and eat them by the time I got back home. I used to hide them because my husband told me off and said they had too many E numbers.

My older sister had a baby so I knew what to expect during the pregnancy but I was surprised after the baby came. He didn't stop crying when we got home and he ended up having colic.

I thought babies just slept and ate but I had a child that had colic and never slept. Colic is when a baby has gas trapped in their abdomen and they can't release it so it's very painful for them, they scream and cry. It's hard to see them be in pain like that.

It lasted four months and then he just never slept after that. I was lucky to have a lot of family help and I still found it hard so it made me think of people who never had any help and wonder how they managed it."

• Caitlin "I'm fortunate to have had two (touch wood!) relatively enjoyable pregnancies. I've had mild sickness, tiredness and sciatic pain but I think because you expect all those things it's easy to overlook them. I was always a bit squeamish about feeling other people's baby's moving and kicking during pregnancy and didn't think I'd enjoy that aspect, but it surprised me how reassuring and positive it becomes."

• Stacey "The best part is feeling your baby move, it still takes me by surprise how strong it feels and it's only the size of an aubergine."

• Michelle "Since this is our first experience of it, I think the best bit for me is watching my husband Chris get ready for her arrival. He's always been really supportive and a great husband but over the last seven months he's had to take on a lot more and is taking everything in his stride.

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• Caitlin

• Stacey "I didn't know you couldn't sleep on your back after twenty weeks, and how many problems it can cause your baby."

• Michelle

"Almost everything! The side effects and changes in your body from pregnancy and then post-partum are just never ending. I didn't realise morning sickness is a misleading term and it can last all day or just the morning or evening. I didn't realise you can become prone to recurrent UTl/kidney infections and that the sleepless nights start well before the baby is born, whether it's from physical discomfort, needing to pee every hour or anxiety about what's to come. There's a lot that's not advertised in movies etc."

"Probably loads of things but it's now all I think about so it's hard to remember. I think we become over-in­ formed about pregnancy now, I've got all sorts of apps to tell me how she's progressing and how many days left, what size she is, and I think that's probably a bit much.

I don't think I fully appreciated how much you physical­ ly change. I knew I'd get a bump obviously but the difficulty getting up or sitting down or walking, how painful it all can be came as a shock and started much earlier than I thought, probably from about 20 weeks.

I also didn't realise how much I would worry throughout the pregnancy. Because it didn't come easily to us I thought that once I got pregnant the worry and stress would lessen but it hasn't, it's just changed into new worries. I thought at 12 weeks I'd stop worrying, then at 20, then 24 when she was 'viable', and I'm 31 weeks now and still worried about her."

• Joan "I never thought I would have two emergency C-sec­ tions due to a tilted pelvis. I wasn't told about that until after my second child either so I went through two attempts at natural labour which I shouldn't have been put through. The second labour was 32 hours before the doctors realised I would need a C-section and I wasn't given the option for an epidural either. I did it on paracetamol.

Nobody told me that even though I stopped breast­ feeding, my body would still make milk so I was in agony. I phoned my mum and she came down to wrap my chest in a big bandage because the looser the clothes are that you're wearing, the more your breasts will fill with milk. She gave me water with epsom salt to drink to dry up my milk, and I had to avoid going in the bath or the milk would leak out and start building back up again."

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• Stacey "I have been overwhelmed with how generous everyone has been. Friends and family want to buy so many things for the baby. We've hardly had to get anything and people are still asking what we need. My partner, who goes out his way for me daily to make sure I'm ok, will go pick up whatever I'm craving and just be there for me."

• Michelle "My family have been so helpful and basically the only people I've spent time with during the pregnancy so I'm really grateful that they are so good. We had a lot of work to do in our house when we bought it that we'd just ignored for two years but when I got pregnant it became our top priority to sort this place out.

My dad spent about 3 weeks painting during the winter to save us a bit of money and that was a really big help.

And my mother-in-law helped us pay for new carpets for the whole house so it felt fresh for the wee one arriving.

My mum has really pushed me out of my anxiety at times which has been so helpful, I didn't want to buy anything for the baby for ages because I was scared we'd lose her and then have this phantom nursery at home but my mum has been good at being practical and just making things happen when I've pushed back."

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ILLUSTRATION BY CALUM LOCKERBIE

FATHER HOOD

BY TODD SHARKEY

A cacophony of sound surrounds me like a tornado as I write, making me lose my train of thought and re-read the few sentences that I have written numerous times until the words don’t make sense anymore.

Growing Pains 173

Surprisingly, the noise tornado that is distracting me is not a tornado at all. It’s my eleven-month-old son. He’s tearing around the room clumsily, wielding a rattle, the image of a drunk at a rave, stopping only to fart and scream “dad” at the top of his lungs as though he would like my opinion on his flatulence. I score it high on volume and duration but it’s not very smelly, so he doesn’t get the passing grade just yet.

I take the rattle off of him and offer him a quieter toy which he accepts with disquieting hesitation. After examining it thoroughly and realising that it doesn’t make an annoying sound, he introduces it to the TV with the force and bloodlust of a Viking swinging a battle axe. There, it does make a sound, and that sound causes my heart to jump out of my mouth. Swiftly, I remove the toy from him, and he begins to cry harder than I did at the end of a film called My Dog Skip (If you haven’t seen it, don’t watch it. It will only bring you pain.) I had no idea what an unreasonable person I was until I had a baby.

Apparently, I should have let him destroy a £500 TV. As I comfort him, I think about how much my life changed the day he was born, and about how this little boy went from a decision that his mother and I made, to a living breathing farting human being.

Pre-baby I was a heavy drinker, a smoker and an all-round do-what-the-fuck-I-want-er, but the moment I saw his purple and red face drop onto his mother’s chest in the operating theatre of Paisley hospital, that all vanished without a trace. (Okay, I traded the cigarettes for a vape but at least it was a step in the right direction.) The main thing was that I was no longer the sole beneficiary of my time and

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FATHER

HOOD

money. To put it bluntly, I had to grow up. And I can understand why that is quite a daunting prospect for many young men. You’re used to your life the way it is, and you worry about what is going to change. Having less time to do the things you love, living in a state of perpetual exhaustion, and dealing with the fact that you no longer have any agency.

Everything you do, every decision you make is in service of your child. Not you. Them. You are no longer number one.

Having said that, I suspect that nature has installed within us all a switch that is flipped when you see your child for the first time.

For me, it was almost supernatural how my mind blinked from thinking about myself to being wholly focused on the preservation and development of this little guy. My baby. My son. I was a dad. It was like a lightning bolt striking the top of my head, coursing through my body, and waking a part of my brain that I didn’t know was there.

In the following months, I took note of my new abilities. Like in a superhero origin story, when the hero is discovering their new powers after being bitten by a radioactive donkey or falling into a vat of nuclear iced tea (how the rapper Ice T got his powers of lyrical destruction), I found that I had inexplicably developed helpful skills. The kid fell off the couch once and I lunged across the room to catch him; I had dad reflexes. I could hear from another room exactly what thing he was pulling out of what drawer; I had super hearing. I could function fairly well on three hours sleep; super awakeness. And I had the one thing that should be considered an essential prerequisite for parenthood – iron willed patience.

HOOD

I don’t know if you know this, but children are really bloody annoying. I’m not talking about the new-born baby stage by the way, I’m talking from three months onward. At three months the kid realised he could roll from his back to his front and any time you went to change his his nappy nappyor or clothes he would clothes he would spin spin a Beyblade. roundround like alike Beyblade.

He would always wait until you had the nappy undone and witnessed He wouldthat always waitit until had the the horror lay within beforeyou the spinning nappy witnessed the all horror began, undone sendingand all manner of filth over that the lay within began, place.

Then ithebefore would the laughspinning and vomit the sending allhis manner of filth all over place.I entirety of last bottle on his cleanthe clothes.

Then hesitting would vomit the would be therelaugh coveredand in shit, piss and entirety of his last bottle his clean clothes. vomit and I wouldn’t be on thinking about how Ilucky wouldI bewas. sitting in shit, piss I there was covered wondering whether and vomit and wouldn’t thinking everyone’s babyI was like be mine or did about I get how lucky was. I was saddled with aI troublemaker.

Thenwondering he would whether everyone’s babysmile, was like or smile a beautiful gummy and mine I would did saddled withfulla well troublemaker. forgetI allget about it, knowing that he had Then he would smile beautiful gummy me wrapped around his alittle finger for life. smile, and I would forget all about still it, That wriggly thrashing behaviour knowing wellAtthat he had me wrapped continuesfull today. the time of writing, the kid around little fingerandfor life.

That is nearinghis his first birthday I have invented wriggly thrashing behaviour still so many holds and grapples to wrestle continues today.

At the writing, the nappies and clothes ontotime him ofthat the UFC kid nearing first birthday and I have haveisoffered mehis a five-fight contract. invented so many holds and grapples to and clothes onto Theywrestle told me.nappies I was warned.

They all saidhim it. that have five-fight “Don’tthe lookUFC down.”

Thatoffered was allme the aadvice that contract. various fathers that I know gave me. Don’t look down during the birth. Sound advice, by the They told Ime. I was warned.

They allbysaid way, and recommend it be heeded all it.

“Don’tinlook That wasthe alldoctors the advice involved the down.” birth – besides and that various fathers that know me. Don’t nurses, of course.

But Ias far gave as helpful ‘life look down duringa child, the birth.

Sound much advice, hacks’ for raising there wasn’t on by andthe I other recommend be offer.the My way, wife, on hand got it plenty heeded all involved in and, the birth – besides from her by friends and family I don’t want to the doctors nurses, of advice course.seems But as appear sexistand in any way but, to far as helpful ‘life hacks’ raisingmothers, a child, always be dished out byfor other there wasn’t My wife, on the whether you much want itonoroffer. not. They will offer up other hand got plenty from her friends and family and, I don’t want to appear sexist in any way but, advice seems to always be dished out by other mothers, whether you want it or not.

They offer up plenty of oldremedies wives’ tales, plentywill of old wives’ tales, home and home andvoodoo perhaps even some perhapsremedies even some ritual, but at the voodoo ritual, at the of tonic the day end of the daybut there is noend fix-all for there is no but fix-all tonic forForaexample: baby’s baby’s ailment trial and error. ailment but trialFeed and baby. error. Still For crying. example: Baby Baby is crying.

Change is crying.

Feed Wind baby.baby.

Still Still crying.

Change baby.

Still crying. crying.

Bathe baby. Still crying. Wind baby.

Still for crying.

Bathe Put baby down sleep.

Still baby. crying. babyand down forup sleep.

Still crying.Still Hug baby Put to chest curl in a ball. crying.

Hug baby chest and curl upsolved!It’s in a ball.

Now we’re both tocrying.

Problem Now Problem solved! been we’re a hell both of ancrying. experience (quite literally sometimes) and plenty weird. I don’t know if It’s beeneverything a hell ofright anand experience I’m doing I probably (quite won’t literally andgrows plentyupweird.

I don’t know forsometimes) sure until he and we can know I’m hedoing everything and inI see theifman becomes.

There’sright a power probably won’t knowbefor sure until he grows knowing that I may shaping the future with up and we can I see man becomes. every interaction havethe with him.he When I give There’s a power in sandwich, knowing that may be him a corner of my am II teaching shaping future with him to bethe generous?

Whenevery I snapinteraction at him andI have withvoice, him. am When I give him of raise my I teaching him ato corner solve his my sandwich, am I When teaching him toandbeI problems with anger? he’s upset generous?

When snap at face him and raise my hold him and kissI his wee till he smiles voice, his again, am am II teaching teaching him him to to solve be kind? problems anger? he’s upset and Sometimeswith it feels like When I’m walking through a I hold him kiss he minefield andand I can seehis thewee otherface side.tillOver smiles is again, am I ateaching to be there perfection, blinding him heaven of kind? goodness and happiness, the person I have to be to raise my son properly. But to get to it I Sometimes it feels like on I’m my walking through a have to avoid stepping own faults and minefield (of andwhich I canthere see are the many) other side.

Over mistakes and shield therefrom is the perfection, a blinding heaven him shrapnel when the explosions of goodness begin.

I’ll take itand all if happiness, it means thatthe he person can be aI have to be that to raise myhisson properly.

Butand to good man values family, friends get to it others.

I have to avoid on anything my own helping And if hestepping achieves faults than and that, mistakes which there are many) more be it (of fame or riches, it’ll all just andicing shield from It’s the my shrapnel when the be on him the cake. job to think about explosions begin.

I’ll take all if it means that the future. It’s his job to liveit it. he can be a good man that values his family, friends and helping others.

Andmoment, if he People always tell you to live in the achieves that, be it living fame but when anything you have more a kid than you’re always or it’ll allAnd just be icingalright. on the cake.

It’s for riches, tomorrow. that’s Because my job to looks think about future. It’s his day. job to tomorrow a little the bit brighter every live it.

People always tell you to live in the moment, but when you have a kid you’re always living for tomorrow. And that’s alright. Because tomorrow looks a little bit brighter every day.

Growing Pains 175

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10 Things I

I

Wish

Knew

ILLUSTRATION BY OZLEM DJAFER

before

I

turned...

Six people tell me 10 things they wish they had known before they turned the age they are now.

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10 Things I Wish I Kne

1 "High school feels like it will last forever but it’s such a small part of your life."

6 "Don’t worry that you don’t enjoy sex at first... It’s them, not you. Trust me."

2 "If you want true independence and freedom, move out as soon as possible."

7 "Quality instead of quantity is very important when it comes to friends."

3 "Stop worrying about the future so much and enjoy the present more."

4 "I wish I had known that it’s okay to drop toxic people out of your life."

5 "If you don’t like something, don’t be scared to do something about it."

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8 "Stop sleeping so much, it’s not healthy."

9 "Life can suck and you can’t control it but you can control how you react to it."

10 "It’s okay to not be okay, comments like ‘you shouldn’t be feeling that way’ or ‘you’ve got no reason to feel that way’ are completely irrelevant to anybody."

w Before I Turned… ew 1 "Your true friends will show themselves in your darkest times. Some people only want to know you when you’re out there living your best life and having fun all the time, when they get the best use out of you."

2 "It’s better to make a positive change in your life even if it has the prospect of not turning out right, than to stay complacent. Everyone deserves to be happy and there’s no point wasting a decade of your life in, for example, a job that makes you miserable just because it’s steadily paying your bills. Take a chance!"

3 "Figure out what you want in a partner.

Finding your partner should be easier than we make it. Work out what you want and what you don’t want and don’t waste time on people that don’t gel with you on emotional, physical and social levels."

4 "Don’t care what people think about you. Everyone will have their opinion on you, but the only one that matters is your own."

5 "Choose your own path in life. Do something you love, even if just for a hobby, and don’t let the influence of others get in the way of what makes you happy."

6 "Take care of your mental well-being just as much as you would your physical health."

7 "Your life doesn’t have to be planned out by the time you’re 30! You can still be unmarried, have no children and live in rented accommodation at 29.

Do things at your own pace and in your own time, and not because everyone on social media seems to be doing it. Chances are, you’ll even be more financially stable waiting for these things until you are a bit older!"

8 "Learn to drive! People don’t exaggerate when they talk about the freedom it gives you. Not to mention that a lot of jobs will require you to have a driver’s license too."

9 "School doesn’t teach you everything you need to know about making it in the real world. Especially if you become self-employed and have to do your own taxes, or when it comes to buying a house."

10 "The importance of experiencing other cultures. We’re taught at school to pass our exams, go to university then get a job. In reality, the more you travel, the more you learn and the more open minded you become.

Spend a summer or two abroad, get to grips with some basics in the language, understand different ways of life. It will serve you well!"

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10 10 THINGS THINGS II WISH WISH II KNE KNE

1 "Don’t frown so much – you just look grumpy and it gives you wrinkles."

2 "No matter how busy you are, make time for your friends. Good friends are hard to find and are good for the soul."

3 "Take care of your teeth, you only get one set and dentists are expensive."

4 "It’s ok to not always join in and follow trends, be you."

5 "Take more photos but make sure you still enjoy the moment. Memories are great to look back on when things change and times are rough."

6 "Use sunscreen – all the time."

7 "Don’t bother with people who don’t think you are worth it. There are plenty who do."

8 "Sometimes if you make the effort to go out when you feel too tired and can’t be bothered, you end up having the best time."

9 "Save before you spend."

10 "Don’t rely on someone else to make you happy, it’s your own responsibility to look inside yourself and find what makes you happy."

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EW BEFORE II TURNED...

TURNED...

EW BEFORE

1 "How important it would be to have a good education and stick in at school."

2 "I wish I knew that turning 50 was just a number and not a defining age of getting old."

3 "To have spent more time with my mother when I could have."

4 "To have spent more time with my children when they were young instead of always rushing onto the next chapter."

5 "I always worried that I had to prove myself to people who are no longer in my life. With age comes the satisfaction of being happy."

6 "I never thought I would be capable of going back to school or getting a degree. It made my mother very proud of me."

7 "I never thought that I would be able to achieve having my own home."

8 "At 50, I look at my life and wonder why I stressed so much about my children when they were young. They are my world and make me so proud to be called Mum every day of my life."

9 "Returning to education later in life made me want to keep learning but at school I thought I would never need an education at all."

10 "To me, being 50 makes me look at life very differently from when I was 18. I appreciate the small stuff and everyday living. I love watching my children grow and my family being happy."

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1 "What would happen to my body as I got older."

2 "To have spent my time only with the people I care about."

3 "How much I would have enjoyed the peace and quiet of hillwalking earlier."

4 "To spend more time exploring the world."

5 "How much happiness a dog brings."

6 "To spend less time worrying about the small things."

7 "How to learn a foreign language."

8 "To keep up to date with whereabouts of old school friends."

9 "How proud I would be of my children."

10 "How much I loved my job before I retired."

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1 "I wish I knew that at seventy, life would still be evolving and not over."

2 "I never thought I would still be working at seventy."

3 "I was led to believe that at seventy I would feel old but I feel great."

4 "I decided to keep working because I am healthy and I love my job."

5 "I like that I have friends from fifty to seventy-five and we never judge our age as being something which defines us."

6 "I appreciate the life I had. I have a great family with a husband I love as much today as the day I met him. We keep each other young at heart."

7 "I pray to God and thank him for the gift of grandchildren, they keep me young in every way."

8 "At seventy, the world thinks you should retire from work. I feel that you should retire when you feel ready to."

9 "I appreciate the good friends that I have and how we work together to keep our friendships alive."

10 "I believe that being seventy, there is much more life to live before I am ready to feel old. Age is how you feel about life.

Live young and stay young."

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CONTACT NUMBERS If you are affected by any of the issues raised throughout Growing Pains, here are a list of resources who can help.

YoungMinds – 020 7089 5050 youngminds.org.uk A mental health charity for children, young people and their parents.

Anxiety UK – 03444 775 774 www.anxietyuk.org.uk Charity for those affected by anxiety, stress and anxiety based depression.

Bipolar UK – www.bipolaruk.org.uk National mental health charity dedicated to supporting individuals with bipolar.

CALM – 0800 58 58 58 – www.thecalmzone.net Campaigners against suicide with a free and confidential helpline and webchat.

Men’s Health Forum – www.menshealthforum.org.uk/beatstress.uk A charity whose mission is to improve the health of men in England, Wales and Scotland.

Men Matter Scotland – www.menmatterscotland.org Positive support network for men in Scotland.

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Mind – 0300 123 3393 www.mind.org.uk A mental health charity who aims to make sure no one has to face a mental health problem alone.

No Panic – 0844 967 4848 – www.nopanic.org.uk Specialises in self-help recovery, providing people with the skills they need to manage their condition and work towards recovery.

The No Panic Helpline – 0300 772 9844 Operates between 10am and 10pm every day of the year and staffed by trained volunteers. Past operating hours, a crisis message with a recorded breathing exercise to help callers through a panic attack is played. This can also be accessed 24hrs a day by calling 01952 680835 Samaritans – 116 123 – www.samaritans.org jo@samaritans.org Seeks to make sure there’s always someone there for anyone who needs someone. You do not need to have any credit or call allowance on your phone to make the call to speak with someone.

SANE – www.sane.org.uk/textcare www.sane.org.uk/supportforum www.sane.org.uk/support A charity working to improve quality of life for people affected by mental illness.

Alzheimer’s Research UK – 0300 111 5 111 Carries out dementia research whilst providing help and guidance.

Alzheimer Scotland – 0808 808 3000 – helpline@alzscot.org A 24-hour freephone dementia helpline which provides information, signposting

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and emotional support to people with the illness, their families, friends and professionals.

Dementia UK – 0800 888 6678 A free helpline where a specialist nurse offers advice, support and information.

Cruse Bereavement Care – 0808 808 1677 Helps people through one of the most painful times in life – with bereavement support, information and campaigning.

FRANK – 0300 123 6600 – talktofrank.com Talk to Frank for facts, support and advice on drugs and alcohol.

The Hearing Voices Network (HVN) – info@hearing-voices.org – www.hearing-voices.org Focused on helping to create respectful and empowering spaces whilst challenging the inequalities and oppressive practices that hold people back.

Epilepsy Action – 0808 800 5050 - helpline@epilepsy.org.uk Improves the lives of everyone affected by epilepsy by giving advice, improving healthcare, funding research and campaigning for change.

National Autistic Society – 0207 833 2299 – nas@nas.org.uk Provides support, guidance and advice, as well as campaigning for improved rights, services and opportunities to help create a society that works for autistic people.

Fibromyalgia Action UK – 0300 999 0055 charity@fmauk.org Aims to improve the lives of people living with fibromyalgia by increasing awareness of the condition throughout the UK.

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TheThe British British Sjögrens Sjögrens Syndrome Syndrome Association Association – 0121 – 0121 478478 113/113/ 0121 0121 478478 0222 0222 A charity A charity which which supports supports sufferers sufferers of the of the autoimmune autoimmune disease. disease.

Crohns Crohns & Colitis & Colitis UKUK – 0300 – 0300 222222 5700 5700 – – helpline@crohnandcolitis.org.uk helpline@crohnandcolitis.org.uk A charity A charity withwith thethe aimaim to improve to improve thethe lives lives of people of people affected affected by by Crohn’s Crohn’s andand colitis, colitis, andand ultimately ultimately to find to find a cure. a cure.

Disability Disability Rights Rights UKUK - disabilityrightsuk.org - disabilityrightsuk.org An An organisation organisation led led by, by, runrun by, by, andand working working for for disabled disabled people people to to create create a society a society where where disabled disabled people people have have equal equal power, power, rights rights andand equality equality of opportunity. of opportunity.

TheThe Proud Proud Trust Trust Home Home of LGBT+ of LGBT+ Youth Youth – 0161 – 0161 660660 3347 3347 – – www.theproudtrust.org www.theproudtrust.org Organisation Organisation thatthat supports supports LGBT+ LGBT+ young young people people through through youth youth groups, groups, peer peer support, support, mentoring mentoring programmes, programmes, andand thethe Proud Proud Connections Connections chatchat service. service.

SH:24 SH:24 – sh24.info@nhs.net – sh24.info@nhs.net – www.sh24.org.uk – www.sh24.org.uk Confidential Confidential testing, testing, information information andand advice advice withwith NHS NHS clinics. clinics.

Sexual Sexual Health Health Helpline Helpline - 0300 - 0300 123123 7123 7123 Free Free confidential confidential information information andand advice advice on sexual on sexual health. health.

Marie Marie Stopes Stopes International International – 0345 – 0345 300300 8090 8090 24-hour 24-hour helpline helpline withwith advice advice on contraception, on contraception, termination termination of of pregnancy, pregnancy, female female sterilisation sterilisation andand vasectomy. vasectomy.

Charges Charges areare made made for for all services. all services.

APP APP (Action (Action on on Postpartum Postpartum Pscyhosis) Pscyhosis) app-network.org app-network.org Offers Offers a peer a peer support support network network online, online, including including one-to-one one-to-one support. support.

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The Association For Postnatal Illness – 0207 386 0868 A 24-hour helpline which provides support for mums suffering from postnatal illness.

Maternal OCD – info@maternalocd.org A charity created by two mothers, who have experienced and recovered from extreme perinatal obsessive compulsive disorder.

Sands – sands.org.uk Baby loss support, information and useful links for anyone affected by the loss of a baby.

Dads House – 07765183504 and ask for Billy – info@dadshouse.org.uk Aims to make sure children remain the priority after divorce, separation or bereavement. Will help all dads in need but can not assist anyone that has been charged with any physical/verbal abuse of their children/partner.

Family Lives – 0808 800 2222 Provides targeted early intervention and crisis support to families who are struggling with issues including family breakdown, challenging relationships and behaviour, debt, and emotional and mental wellbeing.

There is power in a supportive community with a shared experience. These lifelines can be found all over the world through social media websites like Facebook, Instagram, Reddit, as well as meet ups in your local area. Ask your local community centre or GP for details, and if none are available to you – be the person who creates one!

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ILLUSTRATION BY KATIE SMITH