Volume 22, Issue 3

Page 1

Love & Marriage Edition WEATHER

IN THIS ISSUE:

Santa Cruz, CA ,W¶V UDLQLQJ PHQ 2+ *2' 7+(<¶5( +($9<

Vol. XXII, Issue 3

In this issue: RELATIONSHIPS

&KHDS 'DQN 'DWHV $OO 1HZ )UHVKPDQ &LUFXV 7UXH /RYH"

“News Faux You”

Non-­cents

CHIVALRY FOUND DEAD

Guy Dumps Girlfriend, into River -Page 2

COOL CRIMES

Drunk Driving ‘Not That Hard,’ says Freshman - Page 4

LOCAL

‘Born This Way’ says Two-Headed Lady Gaga Fan - Page 11

SEX

Abstract Concept Found Murdered in Burger King Bathroom by James Shea

Mustache Blamed for Oral Sex Disaster - Page 13

GLOBAL

North Africa Erupts into Orgy of Violence, Orgy Page 14

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Love is holding their hand when they're having a bad trip.

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3 Editors-­in-­Chief Emmy  Ballard James  Shea Managing  Editor Gregory  Ronquillo Content  Editor David   Dines Assistant  Editor Mark  Delyani Best  Editor Nicole  Green Illustrators Anna  Brown,  Fred  Liang,  Courtney  CastaĂąos,  Donald  Smith,  Solomon  Wong Staff  Members Judyan  Gonzalez,  Everest   Dillion-­ Hurley,  David  Dines,  Samer  Hosn,  Darlene  McCoy,  David  Rothstein,  Lauren  Tomicich,  Sam  Weber,   Brendan  Woodruff. Contributors Julianne  Bellin,  Lindy  Edwards,  Chelsea  Nelson,  Patrick  Rooney,  Amanda  Vivrette $hout  Out Thank  you  to  Cowell,  Crown,   College  Nine,  and  Porter  Senates!  *Not  funded  by  Kresge  Parliament. Join  our  ranks! Meetings  every  Tuesday  at  8  p.m.,  upstairs  in  the  ARCenter. Become  a  Fan  on  Facebook! search:  The  Fish  Rap  Live! Follow  FRL  on  Twitter ZZZ WZLWWHU FRP ÂżVKUDSOLYH Friend  us  on  Neopets  (seriously) Username:  Fishraplive Snail  Mail  Attn:  The  Fish  Rap  Live! Press  Center University  of  California,  Santa  Cruz 1156  High  Street Santa  Cruz,  CA  95064-­1077 ÂżVKUDSOLYH#JPDLO FRP Fish  Rap  Mantra I  know  I  left  too  much  mess  and destruction  to  come  back  again And  I  caused  nothing  but  trouble I  understand  if  you  can't  talk  to  me  again And  if  you  live  by  the  rules  of  "it's  over" then  I'm  sure  that  that  makes  sense I  will  go  down  with  this  ship And  I  won't  put  my  hands  up  and  surrender 7KHUH ZLOO EH QR ZKLWH Ă€DJ DERYH P\ GRRU I'm  in  love  and  always  will  be

The Fish Rap Live! February 17, 2011

Feb. 2011

LETTER FROM THE EDITORS Sup  nerds, It's  almost  spring,  and  love  is  in  the  air!  Also  pollen  and  bitter  hormonal  desperation.  But  mostly  love!  And  if  there's  one  thing  we  like  here  at  the  Fish  Rap  Live!  like,  it's  love.  Romantic  love,  sexual  love,  unrequited  love,  brotherly  love,  barely  legal  love,  misdemeanor  love,  the  2005  John  Cusack  rom-­com  Must  Love  Dogs.  It's  all  just  so  good! We  here  at  Fish  Rap  Live!  went  all  out  this  year  in  getting  into  the  spirit!  Arrested  Development  marathons  for  the  new  couples  and  break-­up  mixtapes  (c60s!  so  vintage)  for  the  recently  dumped  ('White  Flag'  by  Dido  is  my  fucking  JAM). And  even  if  you're  not  lucky  in  love,  you  can  still  enjoy  the  sights  of  cute  couples  and  not-­as-­cute-­couples  (neither  of  them  are  really  catches  so  yeah  they're  both  settling  but  at  least  they  have  somebody).  You  might  not  be  happy,  but  at  least  other  people  are! We  channeled  the  unholy  spirit  of  St.  Valentine  to  bring  you  special  articles  for  the  lonely  and  lovestruck  in  all  of  us,  including  a  play-­at-­home  board  game,  exclusive  reviews,  the  triumphant  return  of  From  Blank  to  Blank,  and  even  a  guest  editorial  by  pop-­country  starlet  Taylor  Swift! So  whether  you  spent  Valentines  Day  on  a  cute  date,  by  yourself,  or  in  a  12  hour  free-­for-­all  lust-­crazed  fuckfest,  we  hope  you  enjoyed  your  annual  culturally-­ascribed  acknowledgment  of  the  Romantic  Concept!  We  spent  it  putting  together  a  comedy  newspaper  we  can't  take  home  to  our  parents.  Â

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Hi  guys, This  is  Ali  Kanat  over  at  the  UCSC  Recreation  De-­ partment.  We  are  spreading  the  word  UHJDUGLQJ D ¿OP festival  (Banff  Mountain  Film  Festival)  we  put  on  every  year  at  the  Rio  Theater.  We'd  l o v e  to  get  your  participation  with  our  announcement  in  your  paper  or  at  least  information  about  the  date/price  of  the  show.  Below  is  the  announcement  and  if  there  is  any  way  you  can  get  it  in  your  paper  this  week,  that  would  be  great.  If  anyone  is  interested  in  writing  about  this  event,  let  us  know.  Also,  if  you  have  any  questions,  feel  free  to  email  back.  Thanks! Banff  Mountain  Film  Festival  World  Tour Hosted  by  UCSC  Recreation )ULGD\ )HEUXDU\ # 30 6DWXUGD\ )HEUXDU\ # 30 Both  Days:  Rio  Theatre,  Santa  Cruz $12  Students  $15  General  Tickets  available  at:   3DFL¿F (GJH

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        XOXO,          Emmy  Ballard  &  James  $hea

%LF\FOH 7ULS 8&6& 5HFUHDWLRQ OR  BUY  THEM  ONLINE  AT  WWW.UCSCRECREATION.COM Different  Films  each  night! Friday  Films ‡ 7KH 6ZLVV 0DFKLQH ‡ &KLPDHUD ‡ &URVVLQJ WKH 'LWFK ‡ :LOG:DWHU ‡ 6WLOO 0RWLRQ ‡ ,QWR 'DUNQHVV ‡ /LIH &\FOHV Saturday  Films ‡ 'UHDP 5HVXOW ‡ .UDQNHG .LGV -XVW 'RZQ WKH 5RDG ‡ 7KH $VJDUG 3URMHFW ‡ /DVW 3DUDGLVH ‡ $=$', )UHHGRP ‡ 7KH /RQJHVW :D\ Ignite  your  passion  for  adventure,  action,  and  travel!  The  Banff  Mountain  Film  Festival  World  Tour  will  exhilarate  you  with  amazing  big-­screen  stories  when  it  comes  to  the  Rio  Theatre.   Journey  to  exotic  locales,  paddle  the  wildest  waters,  and  climb  the  highest  peaks.  Get  your  tickets  today  and  be  taken  away  to  the  most  captivating  places  on  earth. The  Banff  Mountain  Film  Festival  World  Tour  begins  immediately  after  the  Banff Â

Mountain  Film  Festival,  held  every  November  in  Banff,  Alberta,  Canada.  The  tour  spans  the  JOREH EULQJLQJ D YDULHW\ RI PRXQWDLQ ÂżOPV to  a  wide  audience  from  mountain  guides  to  weekend  warriors  to  armchair  adventurers.   Be  moved.  Be  inspired.  Don’t  miss  out.    Thanks!, Ali  Kanat  Sup  Ali, This  was  the  only  letter  we  received,  so  done  and  done!  Hiking  is  cool!  Send  Us  Mail!  Or  Free  Things! Emmy  &  James  Hey  Dudes!  Wanna  see  real  letters  here?  Send  us  the  BEST  piece  of  Fan  or  Hate  Mail  for  the  next  issue  and  win  a  lovely  lunch  date  with  the  editor  of  your  choice! Hey  Promotional  Dudes!  Got  something  you  want  reviewed?  Got  an  event  you  want  covered?  Got  something  you  want  us  to  write  about?  Fish  Rap  Live!  is  always  willing  to  check  out  cool  free  promotional  things! (PDLO XV DW ÂżVKUDSOLYH#JPDLO FRP WR JHW D hold  of  us,  or  send  us  things  to  our  snail  mail: Attn:  The  Fish  Rap  Live! Press  Center University  of  California,  Santa  Cruz 1156  High  Street Santa  Cruz,  CA  95064-­1077

Engage your audience! $GYHUWLVH ZLWK The Fish Rap Live! (PDLO ÀVKUDSOLYH#JPDLO FRP

Love is “don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys.�

Santa Cruz Greyhound Mauled by Pitbull

Sports May Led to Injuries

3

by Lindy Edwards

by Gregory Ronquillo The  beloved  Santa  Cruz  Greyhound  station  was  the  victim  of  an  attack  by  a  group  of  pitbulls,  and  had  to  be  put  down.  This  maul-­ ing  has  caused  the  community  to  reopen  the  contentious  debate  as  to  whether  or  not  people  can  keep  pitbulls  as  pets.

UCSC's  athletics  department  was  shocked  when  a  Health  Center  nurse  discovered  a  direct  correlation  between  participa-­ tion  in  sports  and  injuries.  "I  noticed  that  the  people  who  came  in  with  the  most  broken  bones,  sprains,  and  muscle  tears  were  those  involved  in  sports,"  she  tells  us,  "And  I  thought  that  there  may  have  been  a  link  be-­ tween  the  two."  Sure  enough,  the  athletics  department  found  that  student  ath-­ letes  were  up  to  four  times  more  likely  to  sustain  injuries  then  those  who  sat  in  their  dorms  playing  Starcraft  2.  Additionally,  they  found  that  the  injured  players  had  to  be  sidelined  after  their  injuries,  and  were  usually  unable  to  play  for  several  weeks. “Things  like  fractures  and  strains  become  more  common  since  there's  lots  of  movement  involved,â€?  said  one  department  RIÂżFLDO Âł6SRUWV DUH PXFK PRUH KLJK LPSDFW WKDQ VD\ FRPSXWHU programming."  She  also  said  that,  conversely,  programmers  are  more  likely  to  develop  carpal  tunnel  syndrome  and  acne.  "I  had  never  really  considered  how  my  friends  on  the  soc-­ cer  team  tended  to  have  more  twisted  ankles  than  my  friends  in  student  senate,  but  it  makes  more  sense  now,"  says  one  Cowell  student.  "I  mean,  soccer's  intense,  and  senate  isn't."  According  to  a  sidelined  ultimate  frisbee  player,  "it's  about  time  someone  recognized  how  at-­risk  athletes  are  for  getting  in-­ juries.  Having  to  sit  out  for  a  season  due  to  a  broken  leg  sucks,  and  I'm  really  bummed  that  I  can't  play  with  the  frisbee  team.  It  may  be  too  late  for  my  season,  but  we  all  need  to  do  our  parts  and  spread  sports  injury  awareness." Â

NEWS BRIEFS Student Takes Credit for Egyptian Revolution

Unsafe Cybersex High BPM Techno Can Lead to Virus, Leads to Premature Warns NSA Ejaculation, Death

by Mark Delyani

by Samer Hosn

by Gregory Ronquillo

     As  the  world  held  its  breath  and  watched  the  drama  of  the  Egyptian  protests  unfold,  College  Ten  freshman  Sam  Feldman  was  called  to  action.  â€œI  was  reading  all  of  the  news  about  the  human  rights  abuses  by  Mubarak’s  regime,  and  I  realized  that  I  couldn’t  just  sit  here  and  not  do  anything.â€?  Feldman  decided  to  effect  social  change  through  social  media.     â€œI  immediately  got  on  Facebook,  Twitter,  Tumblr,  and  even  Last.fm  to  get  out  the  message  that  Mubarak  can’t  get  away  with  this  forever,â€?  stated  Feldman.  Feldman  got  out  the  mes-­ sage  by  joining  twelve  Egyptian  protests-­related  groups  includ-­ ing  â€œSupport  the  Egyptian  Protests,â€?  â€œFreedom  for  Egypt,â€?  and  â€œMubarack,  more  like  POObarak!!â€?  In  addition  to  this,  Feldman  also  updated  his  Facebook  and  Twitter  statuses  multiple  times  a  day  with  messages  about  the  protests,  and  longer  Tumblr  blog  posts  about  social  justice.                                                                                       But  Feldman’s  activism  was  not  without  its  own  dramas.  Feldman  faced  setbacks  in  the  form  of  trouble  condensing  his  messages  down  to  140  characters,  frequent  Tumblr  outages,  and  his  roommate  telling  him  to  stop  fucking  spamming  his  Face-­ book  newsfeed.  â€œI  was  up  against  some  pretty  steep  challenges.  1RWKLQJ OLNH ZKDW WKH EUDYH IUHHGRP ÂżJKWHUV ZHUH XS DJDLQVW but  man,  my  roommate  was  being  a  total  dick,â€?  said  Feldman.         Despite  the  setbacks,   Feldman’s  efforts  paid  off  in  kind.  â€œI  was  probably  the  happiest  I  have  ever  been  on  February  11  when  , ÂżUVW OHDUQHG RI 0XEDUDNÂśV UHVLJQDWLRQ , NQRZ WKDW \HDUV IURP now  when  kids  are  learning  about  the  Egyptian  Revolution  in  school,  I  can  look  back  at  it  and  chuckle  and  just  be  like,  yeah,  that  was  me.â€?

A  sexually-­based  computer  virus  is  currently  making  the  rounds  of  the  internet,  the  NSA  has  warned.  The  Server  Takeover  Device  is  the  newest  worry  among  techies  all  over  the  world;Íž  the  YLUXV FLUFXPYHQWV ÂżUHZDOOV E\ OHHFKLQJ RQWR GDWD DUULYLQJ IURP trusted  video  chat  sites  such  as  Skype.  The  Server  Takeover  De-­ vice  takes  advantage  of  the  computer’s  vulnerability  to  release  dozens  of  potential  viruses,  crippling  the  computer. “This  virus  is  unlike  any  other  virus  today,â€?  says  NSA  rep  Richard  Cheese  â€œit  is  spreading  and  changing  forms  faster  than  we  think  is  possible  from  an  at-­home  operation.  In  the  past  only  government  computers  have  been  able  to  spread  a  virus  this  HIÂżFLHQWO\ EXW ZH FDQÂśW WKLQN RI DQ\ JRYHUQPHQW LQWHUHVWHG LQ spreading  this  amongst  the  population.â€? In  addition  to  crippling  the  victim’s  computer,  the  virus  is  ca-­ pable  of  recording  outgoing  video  feeds,  often  of  people  Skype-­ fucking,  a  new  trend  among  people  who  are  pretending  to  be  faithful  in  a  long  distance  relationship.  These  videos  can  than  be  XVHG WR EODFNPDLO WDUJHWV Âł, ÂżJXUHG F\EHUVH[ ZDV SUHWW\ VDIH ´ says  one  victim  who  asked  to  remain  anonymous  out  of  embar-­ rassment,  â€œmy  partner  assured  me  they  were  using  high  level  encryption.â€? Skype  has  released  a  statement  to  ensure  safety  for  its  users;Íž  ³0DNH VXUH \RXU ÂżUHZDOO LV XSGDWHG DOWKRXJK WKHLU LV VRPH UDWH RI IDLOXUH EHFDXVH D QHZ ÂżUHZDOO ZLOO KHOS SURWHFW PRUH WKDQ D ÂżUHZDOO WKDW KDV EHHQ VLWWLQJ ZLWK \RX IRU D ZKLOH $QG EH VXUH WR XVH D TXDOLW\ ÂżUHZDOO DQG QRW WKH QHRQ \HOORZ SHUPHDEOH RQHV given  out  on  the  UCSC  campus.  But  if  anything  you  should  stop  Skype-­Fucking,  because  it  is  weird  and  sad.â€?

Sophmore  Jackie  Hooks  was  extremely  disappointed  by  boy-­ friend  Franklin  Mulvey's  performance  in  bed  late  last  Thursday  after  his  rhythmic  thrusting  to  a  high  tempo  techno  song  led  to  his  premature  ejaculation  and  premature  death.  Hooks  tearfully  gave  a  press  conference  in  front  of  the  Crown-­Merril  dining  hall,  telling  the  crowd:  "he  kept  playing  that  DeadMau5  shit  and  I  told  him  to  calm  down  or  he's  gonna  bust  too  soon  but  he  just  kept  thrusting  quickly  to  the  beat  until  he  came.  Then  he  died."  Mulvey,  who  often  told  his  friends  he  was  an  â€˜aspiring  DJ,’  attempted  to  keep  up  with  the  high-­tempo  remix  of  Darude’s  Sandstorm,  which  at  155  BPM  proved  too  fast  for  Mulvey’s  highly  sensitive  and  pathetic  sexual  prowess.  Scientists  perform-­ ing  the  autopsy  hypothesized  that  the  pounding  synth  beat  and  the  crazy  intensity  of  the  orgasm  led  to  his  heart  exploding  short-­ ly  after  busting  a  5-­roper  all  over  his  bedsheets.  7KLV ZDV QRW WKH ÂżUVW FDVH RI SUHPDWXUH HMDFXODWLRQ E\ WHFKQR leading  to  injury.  When  rave  culture  gained  popularity  in  the  United  States,  public  outcry  didn't  come  from  the  inate  danger-­ ousness  of  mass  parties  in  remote  locations  where  illegal  drugs  are  prevalent.  The  prime  concern  was  the  high  BPM  dry  hump-­ ing  leading  to  exhaustion,  death,  or  even  shooting  too  early.  After  the  2000  release  of  Outkast's  high  tempo  masterpiece  "B.O.B.  (Bombs  Over  Baghdad),"  hundreds  of  creepy  men  nationwide  FROODSVHG RQ WKH GDQFH Ă€RRU WU\LQJ WR JULQG WR WKH EHDW PRVW VXF-­ FXPELQJ EHIRUH %LJ %RL V ÂżUVW YHUVH Franklin  Mulvey's  death  will  not  go  unnoticed.  Mulvey’s  family  has  pledged  to  press  murder  charges  on  DeadMau5  due  to  his  extreme  negligence  in  making  high  tempo  boner  jams.

The Fish Rap Live! February 17, 2011

Love is REDUCING THE NATIONAL DEFECIT, OBAMA.

4

Environmental Joe Biden, Michelle Study of Internet Studies Offers New Bachmann go on Reveals All Penises Class in ‘Fucked’ V-Day Lunch Date are Abnormally Big

by Chelsea Nelson

by Patrick Rooney

by Gregory Ronquillo

The  Environmental  Studies  (ENVS)  program  at  UCSC  is  making  great  strides  in  preparing  students  for  overcoming  obsta-­ cles  in  creating  a  greener,  more  sustainable  future.  After  speaking  with  a  professor,  we  found  out  that  the  ENVS  major  will  be  fac-­ ing  a  slight  change  in  its  course  offerings.  ENVS  professors  will  soon  be  joined  in  the  department  by  Thorne  Lay,  who  teaches  a  topical  course  on  Earth  Catastrophes.  Lay  has  recently  been  asked  to  alter  his  course  teachings  to  not  only  educate  students  about  the  catastrophes  of  the  past,  but  also  the  ones  we  are  des-­ tined  to  face  in  the  near  future. It  appears  that  the  irreversible  environmental  damage  that  humans  have  caused  through  widespread  industrialization,  RYHUSRSXODWLRQ RYHU ÂżVKLQJ DQG MXVW SODLQ ZDVWHIXOQHVV KDV WDNHQ LWV WROO DQG WKH SURIHVVRUV DW RXU ÂżQH LQVWLWXWLRQ DUH ORRN-­ ing  for  ways  to  prepare  students  for  the  inevitably  apocalyptic  future.  To  put  it  succinctly,  we  fucked  up. According  to  one  professor,  it  is  â€œa  waste  of  time  to  keep  teaching  the  same  course  material  because  in  about  20  years,  the  earth  as  we  know  it  will  be  a  completely  different  place.â€?  He  continued  to  add,  â€œLet’s  just  say  that  if  our  environment  today  is  like  Beyonce,  then  the  environment  of  the  future  is  going  to  be  like  Courtney  Love  at  the  Roast  of  Pamela  Ander-­ VRQ²GLVWXUELQJ DQG GHÂżQLWHO\ VRPHWKLQJ ZH VKRXOG SUHSDUH ourselves  for.â€?  In  light  of  this,  the  department  chair  Karen  Holl  has  made  the  innovative  decision  to  cut  out  certain  requirements  for  the  Environmental  Studies  major  and  change  course  offerings  to  more  future-­oriented  material.  Prospective  classes  include:  Intro  to  Looting,  Study  of  Mass  Hysteria,  and  The  Human  Er-­ ror:  Seriously,  God  Is  Pissed  Right  Now  You  Guys.  These  new  classes  are  expected  to  shed  light  on  both  the  environmental  and  social  concerns  of  our  speculated  termination  as  a  species. As  far  as  the  projected  societal  response  to  the  future  on-­ slaught  of  natural  disasters,  what  we’re  looking  at  here  is  a  The  Day  After  Tomorrow  meets  2012  meets  War  of  the  Worlds  meets  Snakes  on  a  Plane  meets  Mega  Shark  vs.  Giant  Octopus  situa-­ tion.  It’s  going  to  be  utter  chaos  among  the  masses  and  the  ENVS  professors  here  at  UC  Santa  Cruz  are  excited  to  begin  their  mis-­ sion  to  equip  the  world  with  some  future  Will  Smiths  and  Samuel  L.  Jacksons,  or  at  least  a  few  Jake  Gyllenhaals.  Not  all  of  this  is  good  news,  however.  Many  students  are  now  plagued  by  incessant  I-­told-­you-­so’s  from  campus  hippies,  who  claim  that  they  have  been  trying  to  stop  man’s  destruction  of  the  environment  all  along.  From  tree  occupations  to  lack  of  proper  hygiene,  this  demographic  has  tried  so  desperately  to  conserve  the  natural  resources  that  wealthy  countries  like  ours  consume  the  shit  out  of;Íž  now  that  the  consumption  has  caught  up  to  us,  and  their  methods  have  been  validated,  these  people  could  not  be  more  thrilled.  Although  the  tree-­hugging,  shoeless,  smug  son  of  a  bitch  hippies  from  Kresge  were  right,  many  take  solace  in  the  fact  that  they  will  ultimately  be  destroyed  by  the  woman  they  love  so  much:  Mother  Nature.

Drawing  on  the  popular  move  last  month  to  have  Congres-­ sional  Democrats  and  Republicans  sit  together  for  the  Presi-­ dent’s  State  of  the  Union  speech,  Vice  President  Joe  Biden  and  Congresswoman  Michelle  Bachman  went  out  for  a  Valentine’s  Day  lunch  date  in  the  new  spirit  of  bipartisanism.   â€œEverything  was  going  pretty  well  until  I  went  and  put  my  foot  in  my  mouth  again,â€?  admitted  Biden  with  a  winning  grin.   According  to  sourc-­ es  at  the  upscale  restaurant  in  the  D.C.  area,  Biden  told  Bachman  that  she  wasn’t  so  bad  for  being  a  succubus  fueled  by  the  undead  rage  of  Joe  McCarthy. Things  smoothed  over  when  the  pair  ordered  drinks.   Biden  had  a  straight  Hen-­ nessy  cognac  and  Bachman  ordered  her  signa-­ ture  brew  of  absinthe,  Krista  discount  vodka  and  two  shots  of  horse  tranquilizer.   The  two  bonded  over  their  shared  hatred  of  the  Democratic  base. “Everything  that  has  gone  wrong  in  WKH DGPLQLVWUDWLRQ ´ %LGHQ FRQÂżGHG WR WKH Republican  from  Minnesota,  â€œis  the  damn  liberal  bloggers’  fault.   They  are  never  satis-­ ÂżHG ZLWK DQ\WKLQJ , PHDQ JLYLQJ D VKLW DERXW Guan-­ tanamo  Bay  is  so  2007.â€? Bachman  agreed.   â€œDon’t  they  realize  that  forcing  people  to  buy  health  care  from  corporate  insurance  companies  is  as  com-­ munist  as  it  gets?   I  mean,  come  on.â€? The  Congresswoman  gave  an  impromptu  but  impassioned  speech  upon  the  bill’s  arrival.   â€œThis  is  the  kind  of  wasteful  spending  we  see  every  day  from  this  administration,â€?  she  shouted,  waving  the  Vice  President’s  Worcester-­ shire-­soaked  napkin  in  the  air  for  emphasis.   â€œThe  American  tax-­payer  should  not  have  to  pay  for  the  most  irrelevant  member  of  this  socialist  adminis-­ tration  to  apply  steak  sauce,  horse-­radish,  Nutella,  and  any  other  condiment  he  can  get  his  pinko  hands  on  to  his  medium-­rare  steak.   When  will  the  Democrat  party  take  WKH GHÂżFLW VHULRXVO\"´ Bachman  then  began  chanting,  â€œMake  the  tax-­ cuts  permanent!â€?  while  Biden  quietly  picked  up  the  bill.   At  time  of  printing,  FRL  was  unable  to  FRQÂżUP ZKHWKHU WKH 9LFH 3UHVLGHQW ZDV DEOH to  forge  bipartisan  compromise  in  bed.

Scientists  have  announced  the  results  of  their  decade-­long  study,  revealing  that  the  average  length  of  penises  on  the  internet  is  well  over  10  inches  and  hard  just  for  you,  baby.  "We  looked  at  chat  rooms,  video  chats,  and  internet  porn  FRPPHQWV WR ÂżQG WKDW DOO SHQLVHV RQ WKH LQWHUQHW DUH UHSRUWHGO\ huge,"  said  scientist  Horatio  Gotch.  They  posed  as  16-­year-­old  horny  school  girls  that  talked  in  AlTeR-­ nAtInG  CaPs  to  further  push  the  il-­ lusion.  Seconds  after  joining  various  FKDWV 66-&KXQ/L; UHFHLYHG D Ă€RRG RI messages  from  skeezey  internet  pervs  announcing  the  size  of  their  penises.  "It  was  fascinating.  Just  by  send-­ ing  the  message  'Hllo  evrydoby  ;Íž)'  I  receieved  17  messages  from  men,  all  claiming  to  have  10  inch  hard  cocks,  just  for  me,"  said  the  63-­year-­old  Gotch,  computer  science  professor  at  CSU  Stanislaus.  The  search  led  the  scientists  to   inter-­ net  pornography,  where  they  found  equally  suprising  results  about  the  endowment  of  the  study  pool.  -XQLRU VFLHQWLVW 5LFKDUG .D\VR UHSRUWV RQ WKHLU ÂżQGLQJV :H found  that  the  viewers  of  internet  pornography  also  had  large  pe-­ QLVHV MXGJLQJ IURP WKH IDFW WKDW WKH FRPPHQW VHFWLRQ ZDV ÂżOOHG with  men  saying  their  penises  are  at  least  twice  as  large  as  the  male  performer  in  the  video,  and  that  they  would  beat  that  pussy  up,  beat  that  pussy  up,  beat  that  pussy  up,  beat  that  pussy  up  raw." The  team  has  also  started  studying  some  surpris-­ ing  phenomena  found  on  the  dirty  internet  under-­ world.  "What  we  found  strange  was  that  when-­ ever  we  studies  the  porn  sites,  we  would  get  MSN  messages  from  lonely  horny  babes  in  our  area  who  just  broke  up  with  their  boyfriends  and  wanted  to  talk.  It  was  so  weird,  we  didn't  even  have  MSN  installed  and  whenever  we  clicked  the  message  all  that  happened  was  we  downloaded  a  buttload  of  vi-­ ruses  and  had  our  credit  card  numbers  stolen."  The  perverted  scientist  stroup  stated  they  will  continue  to  look  for  strange  sexual  phenomena  on  the  internet,  particularly  attempting  to  answer  the  question  of  whether  there  is  correlation  between  their  consumption  of  internet  pornography  and  their  crippling  loneliness.

by Solomon Wong

The Fish Rap Live! February 17, 2011

The Fish Rap Live! February 17, 2011

6

Love is sans-serif.

Why the Fuck Are You Still Talking?: What is your position on the new Fem Studies doctorate?

“Now  I  can  dismantle  the  patriarchy  for  6-­8  years  before  getting  a  real  job.â€? Erica  Meyers American  Studies/Community  Studies  Major

Dear Activists, What  happened?  I  thought  we  were  gonna  start  the  revolu-­ tion  soon.  Tunisia,  Egypt,  University  of  Puerto  Rico...  but  we  couldn't  take  over  one  fakey-­four  year  college  in  the  middle  of  the  forest?  After  the  lackluster  protests  of  Spring  quarter  last  year,  I  thought  our  revolutionary  spirit  was  pretty  much  dead.  2XW ZLWK WKH GUHDGORFNV LQ ZLWK WKH Ă€LS Ă€RSV 6R PXFK IRU "Our  University,"  this  movement  seemed  to  sound  more  like  we  were  pleading  to  the  Regents,  "Well  it'd  be  nice  if  you  didn't  cut  all  of  our  classes  becau-­-­  what?  All  of  them?  Well  as  long  as  you  don't  raise  our  tuit-­-­  what?  8%?  Well  I  guess  that's  reason-­ able." Where  are  your  balls?  Did  they  not  give  them  out  at  the  meet-­ ing  along  with  your  "what  to  do  when  a  cop  looks  at  you  weird"  pamphlet?  It's  not  like  we  don't  have  the  inspiration,  and  it's  not  like  there  isn't  rampant  evil  shit  to  protest.  I  need  a  good  protest  as  much  as  a  punk  needs  a  good  mosh  pit.  And  like  a  punk,  I  feel  like  I'm  part  of  a  dead  community  just  going  through  the  motions  trying  to  rekindle  my  once  relevant  scene.  Also  like  punks,  we  don't  shower  much  and  really  enjoy  faded  shades  of  black,  but  I  digress. Mark  Yudof,  you  might  cut  our  majors,  and  raise  our  tuition,  but  you'll  never  budget  cut  our  dignity.  We  would  have  to  have  GLJQLW\ LQ WKH ÂżUVW SODFH VR HDW VKLW \RX FKLQOHVV 8& 3UHVLGHQW skeevy  fuck.  UCSC  activists,  what  happened  to  yall?  You  used  to  be  cool.  To  top  it  off,  Fish  Rap  was  so  much  funnier  when  we  would  just  rag  on  activists  and  make  fun  of  protests  going  on.  That  was  our  glory  period,  so  lets  knock  down  some  trash  cans  and  occupy  buildings.  I'll  be  there  with  the  internal  joke  UHFRUGHU JRLQJ RII ZKLOH UDLVLQJ P\ ÂżVW LQ WKH DLU Holla  back,  I  got  your  back.

With Love, Only In It For The Jokes Dear Frisbee Bros at Founder’s Glen, “I’ve  heard  of  it.  I’ve  never  actually  seen  it,  but  I’ve  heard  of  it.â€? Marcus  Delyaoi Japanese  Studies,  Otaku  Concentration

We  are  not,  I  repeat,  NOT,  LARPers.  LARPers  are  basi-­ cally  acting  out  a  D  &  D  game  in  real  life.  We  just  like  to  hit  HDFK RWKHU 6XUH ZHÂśYH JRW ÂżJKWHU QDPHV EXW WKDWÂśV MXVW VR DV to  be  able  to  distinguish  between  people  easily.  Nowhere  in  the  weapons  are  â€˜magic’  or  spells.  Besides,  have  you  seen  those  LARP-­ ers?   Total  nerds.

Dear McHenry Circulation Desk Worker, Are  you  sure  that  I  owe  you  460  dollars?  I'm  pretty  sure  that  I  returned  "Sperm  Wars:  Battle  of  the  Sexes"  a  while  back.  Just  because  I  have  a  notorious  record  of  tearing  pages  out  of  Reserves  books  doesn't  mean  you  should  charge  me  for  the  replacement  of  this  book.  I  swear  that  I  returned  it  at  the  same  time  that  you  accused  me  of  cracking  an  iPad's  screen,  when  that  was  clearly  the  state  in  which  you  rented  it  out  to  me.  Your  confusing  wordy  descriptions  of  library  policy  are  starting  to  tick  me  off,  and  one  of  these  days  I'd  like  to  speak  with  your  VXSHUYLVRUV , P JRLQJ WR IRUPDOO\ FRQWHVW WKLV ¿QH EHFDXVH WKLV was  clearly  the  fault  of  slacker  library  workers  and  not  mine.

With Love, Evan Charles Newman Dear Zooey Deschanel, Could  you  stop  being  so  pretty  and  perfect  all  the  time?  You  make  my  bangs  look  sub-­par,  even  after  a  great  haircut.  How  are  you  so  tiny  and  cute?  Do  you  sew  your  own  dresses?  I’ve  tried  doing  my  makeup  like  you,  but  your  eyes  are  just  too  blue  and  perfect.  I'm  so  sick  of  always  being  compared  to  you  and  your  cute  little  giggle  and  big  cheeky  smile.  I  always  thought  I  was  pretty  decent  looking  until  someone  compared  me  to  you.  Fuck,  you're  like  a  greek  goddess,  except  way  more  indie.  You're  like  a  fucking  doll.  But  not  a  barbie,  you're  like  a  unique  Barbie,  the  Barbie  I  wish  I  had  growing  up.  Goddammit,  I  can't  even  be  mad  at  you,  you're  just  too  charming.  How  do  you  sing  so  well?  I  try  singing  along  but  your  voice  is  so  melodious  and  easy.  Sometimes  I  watch  500  days  of  Summer  and  wear  my  business  clothes  pretending  to  be  you.  I  stroke  my  hair  pretending  its  your  hair,  and  my  hand  is  Ben  Gibbard's  hand.  God,  why  can't  I  just  be  you?!?!  I  secretly  adore  it  when  people  say  I  look  like  you,  but  I  know  I'll  never  live  up  to  you.  God,  could  you  stop  being  so  pretty  and  perfect  all  the  time? Â

With Love, Every black-haired girl at Santa Cruz Dear Excedrin Extra Strength, I love you.

With Love, Emeraude

With Love, My ovaries

“A  WOMAN  doctor?â€? Old  Man  Jenkins Stevenson  College

Memoirs of a Fallen Oak

“Doggy  Style.â€? City  on  a  Hill  Press UCSC’s  paper  of  record

The Fish Rap Live! February 17, 2011

by Amanda Vivrette

Well, I hope I at least get put to good use.

Love is a +4 mace with a level 10 shield.

FRL! Investigates:

The Rocky Horror Picture Show by Bill O’RLY

the  question,  do  we  really  want  our  children  participating  in  something Â

Now  I  know  Santa  Cruz  is  a  very  liberal  place,  with  its  large  popu-­ like  this?  After  all  this  is  how  Socialism  spreads.  Another  thing  I  found  lation  of  dope-­smoking,  tofu-­munching,  NPR-­listening,  Obama-­loving  deeply  disturbing  was  the  lack  of  trailers  before  the  movie.  I  mean,  godless  hippies  with  obvious  Communist  leanings.  I  naively  assumed  there’s  an  audience,  so  we  should  at  least  have  an  uplifting  message  WKDW VRPHZKHUH LQ VRPH IRUP JRRG ROG $PHULFDQ PRUDO YDOXHV Ă€RXU-­ about  Jesus  Christ  or  the  Founding  Fathers,  even  if  no  companies  want  ished  somewhere  here  in  the  hearts  of  the  honest  blue  collar  working  to  buy  advertising  at  an  event  so  unabashedly  un-­American. The  movie  itself  was  the  worst  thing  I’ve  seen  since  Fahrenheit  men.  Now  I  feel  that  I  can  safely  assume  that  Santa  Cruz  is  truly  a  god-­ 9/11.  It  was  obviously  pushing  a  liberal  agenda  with  less  heathen  hellhole. a  very  lax  attitude  towards  sin,  especially  sex,  cross-­ It  all  started  a  few  weeks  ago  when  I  driving  dressing,  homosexuality,  bisexuality,  murder,  cloning,  over  cyclists  in  my  good  â€˜ol  American  pickup  truck  illegal  aliens,  and  musical  theater.  But  what  do  you  ex-­ ORRNLQJ IRU D :DO 0DUW RQ 3DFLÂżF DQG , QRWLFHG WKDW pect  from  a  movie  made  in  Europe  and  starring  Susan  the  Rocky  Horror  Picture  Show  was  playing  as  the  Sarandon.  Of  course,  I  was  not  actually  able  to  watch  midnight  movie  at  that  movie  theatre  downtown.  most  of  the  movie  due  to  a  group  of  delinquents  run-­ Seeing  as  it  was  shortly  before  Valentine’s  Day,  I  ning  around  in  front  of  the  screen.  You’d  think  that  the  thought  that  it  might  be  something  â€œfunâ€?  and  â€œSanta  audience  would  be  at  least  silent  due  to  either  anger  Cruzyâ€?  to  do  for  a  date.  We  arrived  at  the  theatre  at  or  being  high  out  of  their  minds,  but  no,  people  were  around  11:30,  and  were  met  with  a  large  crowd  of  yelling  almost  constantly  throughout  the  movie.  Some  people  dressed  in  clothes  that  would  make  a  Pari-­ were  even  throwing  things-­  I  was  hit  in  the  chest  by  a  sian  whore  blush,  and  were  intoxicated  as  all  heck,  piece  of  (thankfully)  dry  toast. not  to  mention  high  on  dope  or  granola  or  whatever  After  a  night  of  this  leftist  orgy,  I  feel  like  I  can  it  is  those  miscreants  smoke. safely  say  that  Ronald  Reagan  must  be  constantly  spin-­ As  we  spent  half  an  hour  waiting  in  line  with  all  Gen.  George  Washington  says: ning  in  his  grave  due  to  the  sheer  amount  of  liberal  ex-­ manner  of  freaks  and  delinquents,  I  couldn’t  help  Gold  is  a  sound  investment cess  and  the  shameful  degradation  of  traditional  moral  but  realize  that  this  is  the  failure  of  modern  liberal-­ values.  Obviously  these  dirty  anti-­American  hippies  ism-­  if  we  allow  gays  to  marry  and  give  everybody  healthcare  and  social  security,  we’re  going  to  end  up  with  a  generation  need  to  be  taught  a  thing  or  two  about  the  real  America-­  Sean  Hannity’s  with  a  complete  disregard  for  the  sacred  rules  of  society  that  God  him-­ $PHULFD , GLGQÂśW VSHQG D ZKROH JRVKGDUQ DIWHUQRRQ DIÂż[LQJ D Âł6XSSRUW self  wrote  in  the  Bible,  and  the  Founding  Fathers  put  into  the  Constitu-­ Our  Troopsâ€?  bumper  sticker  to  my  truck  for  this.  When  the  Founding  tion.  These  rules  were  made  for  a  goshdarn  reason,  and  that  doesn’t  Fathers  wrote  out  the  Declaration  of  Independence,  they  obviously  were  mean  some  scruffy  kids  can  run  amuck  and  destroy  everything  that  not  intending  to  protecting  the  â€œrightsâ€?  of  these  delinquents.  Nowhere  in  the  Declaration  of  Independence  does  it  say  that  people  can  go  out  made  this  country  the  best  country. As  appalling  as  the  scene  was  in  the  line,  actually  inside  the  theater  DQG Ă€DXQW WKHLU VH[XDOLW\ LQ WKH IDFH RI WKH JRG IHDULQJ UHDO $PHULFDQV was  even  worse.  The  people  putting  on  the  show  gave  a  speech  in  which  Really,  I  think  that  the  only  viable  solution  is  to  wait  for  the  apocalypse  WKH\ GURSSHG WKH I ERPE QR OHVV WKDQ WKLUWHHQ WLPHV LQ ÂżYH PLQXWHV QRW so  that  us  good  Americans  get  called  up  to  Heaven  and  take  our  rightful  to  mention  all  of  the  other  obscenities  that  they  used.  This  just  begs  place  between  George  Washington  and  Jerry  Falwell  as  all  those  dirty  hippies  are  all  banished  to  the  ninth  ring  of  Hell.

IT’S TRULY A POCKET-SIZED REVOLUTION!

The  Exclusive

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Overheard  in  Santa  Cruz

7

Whatever happened to discreet conversation? We’ve got our ears on you. And you’ve got your mind in loud, perverted, irreverent, insightful, idiotic, and generally inappropriate gutters. Welcome to “Overheard in Santa Cruz.� “Whoa, hundreds! Those are way bigger than 99s. Girl in line 1/31/11 “It was one of those bees. You know, those Africanized bees.� 9/10 Dining Hall 2/01/11 “Everyone’s going to want to fuck my daughter.� Redhead guy on the bus 2/04/11 “I feel like you two always get naked together� Locker Room 2/02/11 “Hey, didn’t you shit on some girl’s face?� Guy at party 2/01/11 “I heard a tuba. That means something bads gonna happen. They only bust out the tuba when something bads about to happen.� Guy at chill sesh/ movie marathon 2/12/11 “I heard Puss in Boots was a total feminist.� Girl on Bus 2/12/11 “Wait, give him his change before you give him his hot sauce. When you’re more experienced like me, you can do both at the same time.� Taco Bell cashier to trainee 2/13/11 “Last weekend, I tried $15 wine. I’ll never go back.� College 8 Dorms 01/25/11 “Dude! What if Quentin Tarantino directed Spy Kids?� Outside Classroom Unit 1 02/11/11 “We’re not known for our comedy. HA HA HA� CHP Staffer 2/16/11 “For me, the most meaningful thing I ever heard was in an episode of Digimon.� East Remote Parking Lot 2/11/11 “Socialism is good, ya know, on paper.� “That’s capitalism, you asshole.� Kresge Co-Op 02/19/11 “How’re you taking your break-up?� “I’m just really disappointed--� “That’s understandable.� “--In the new Lady Gaga single.� Two lonely bros in Ferrell’s 02/07/11 “Dude, how many poop particles do you think are on this sandwich?� Sandwich Shop 02/19/11 Hear something stupid? email fishraplive@gmail.com

The Fish Rap Live! February 17, 2011

The Fish Rap Live! February 17, 2011

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Masturbate again. Eat slice of cheese.

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Work on GarageBand project.

See if Domino!s sells the Pizookie.

Update Vlog.

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Ask roommate if they want to play Mario Party 4 with you.

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Socially acceptable time to go to sleep! See Note 5.

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Roll the die during your turn to see how many spaces you move. !<"1+6"-+//"N"+-"O("1+6")+9."+%/1"+%."40$#.2 !<"1+6"-+//"P"+-"Q("1+6")+9."'E+"40$#.42 !<"1+6"-+//"R"+-"S("1+6")+9."'7-.."40$#.42" As your Friday night progresses you're probably gonna eat a few slices of cheese. 57$'"#7..4."E,//"#+).",%"'+"0/$1"/$'.-("M64'")$>."46-."'+"K5@T"E7.%"1+6"*.'" '+"'7."4'+0"4,*%"'+E$-B4"'7.".%B"+<"'7."G+$-B2"!'"),*7'"G."'7."G.4'"'7,%*"'+" 7$00.%"'+"1+6"$//"E..>.%B2" Scoring: :"1/"#%88#"4,#012,#;*"4#<=#>%*'"$#%8#$,)8#$1"*$817"*%'5#?%&.))#)%$,#1'(#01*'#$,'$,# %8#$,)8#$1"*$817"*%'#1)%'0#"4,#;1-5#?%&#71'#+,,>#"/17+#%8#$,)8#$1"*$817"*%'#;*"4# "4,#"&3,$#%8#@%)%$#-%&#41A,#$*""*'0#%'#-%&/#(,$+#',B"#"%#-%&/#C/1'$8%/2,/$#D# %7% *G ZPV SF mSTU UP UIF MBTU TRVBSF QJDL VQ NPSF TFMG TBUJTGBDUJPO QPJOUT E#*"#7%&)(#21+,#1))#"4,#(*88,/,'7,5 Winning: C4,#>,/$%'#1"#"4,#,'(#%8#"4,#012,#;*"4#"4,#2%$"#$,)8#$1"*$817"*%'#;*'$F#G&"# (%'."# 0%# >%>>*'0# "4,# 7412>10',# 1'(# 21+*'0# 1'# 1$$# %8# -%&/$,)8# H&$"# -,"5# 3FNFNCFS ZPV KVTU TQFOU UIF QBTU IPVS SFBEJOH B DPNFEZ OFXTQBQFS PO B 'SJEBZ OJHIU TP UBLF ZPVS WJDUPSZ GPS XIBU JU T XPSUI 8IFO ZPV UIJOL BCPVU JU *UhT LJOE PG MJLF XBS 5IFSF BSF OP XJOOFST PO B 'SJEBZ OJHIU BMPOF POMZ TVSWJWPST

Post a Facebook status saying “Catching up on ME time, chilling at KRPH Âľ See Note 1.

Eat Golden Grahams for dinner.

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I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I

Brad Keystone

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Freshman

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“Journalism�

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Chad MoTricep

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Choose a Character:

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Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Note 1: 3RVW D )DFHERRN VWDWXV VD\LQJ ´&DWFKLQJ XS RQ 0( WLPH FKLOOLQŇ‹ DW KRPH Âľ L+//"I,.2 If even: Delete status two minutes later. !"#$%&'($#)*+,#-%&./,#0%''1#21$"&/31",#1))#'*04"#)%'05 !/# If odd: Masturbate twice. 23%%+% 6%#"%#+*"74,'#1'(#,1"#$)*7,#%8#2%991/,))1#74,,$,5 Note 2: See if Battle Star Galactica LV RQ 1HWĂ L[ ,QVWDQW 3OD\ L+//"I,.2 If even: It is! Move forward 4 spaces !/# If odd: It!s not. Look up This Ain!t Battle Star Galactica XXX. 23%%+% Eat slice of cheese. Note 3: Contemplate doing the readings. L+//"I,.2 If even: Do the readings. Feel stupid and confused. Use a slice of cheese as bookmark. !/# If odd: Don!t do the readings. Watch Westcoast Choppers 23%%+% on Hulu. Move forward 3 spaces. Note 4: If self satisfaction is less than 1, decide to play The !/# Sims 3. Move forward 6 spaces! Make grilled cheese 23%%+% sandwich to celebrate your sim!s awesome life. Note 5: Socially acceptable time to go to sleep! !/4# If you!ve eaten no slices of cheese, move 7 spaces. 567$ ,I QRW NHHS SOD\LQJ DQG GRZQ D Ă€VWIXO RI 7XPV

------------------

Read old issue of Fish Rap.

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Read City on a Hill Press.

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-93 6MĂ„JPHS

RULES:

Contemplate going to Taco Bell.

d time! Win/cry

ent for unch $GYHQWXUH Âľ

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57.1"4,*%"+<<2

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Look at clock and calculate how many hours you need to spend for it to not be another pathetic Friday night wasted.

Contemplate doing laundry. Laundry on a Friday night? Feel shame.

Message friend on Facebook chat “So what!re you XS WR RQ D )ULGD\ QLJKW"Âľ

Leave rude Youtube comments. Snack on a slice of cheese.

START

Make nachos by putting slice of cheese over Tostitos tortilla chips. !/# 23%%+%

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Copyright

Infringement -----------------------------------------------------------------------The Fish Rap Live! February 17, 2011

Love is ignoring her cleft palete.

10

I Just Don't Think I Can Date a Girl Who Owns 'Fever Pitch' by Todd Lesswood

Hey  Cheryl,  it's  Todd.  Listen,  last  night  was  wonderful,  it  really  was,  and  that  clam  chowder  you  made?  Simply  phenomenal.  Top  notch.  I  really,  really  want  to  get  that  recipe  from  you  some  time.  Fantastic.  Listen,  you  got  a  minute?  Ok,  cool,  well  it's  just. I  don't  think  it's  going  to  work  out. No,  no,  no,  babe,  no,  it's  not  because  you  far-­ ted  when  you  thought  I  was  asleep.  I  mean,  yeah,  ok,  the  smell  was  a  lot  stronger  than  I  would've  ex-­ pected  to  come  out  of  a  little  lady  such  as  yourself  but  hey,  I'm  a  modern  man,  girls  fart,  I  un-­ derstand  that.  No,  look,  I'm  sorry  about  your  sheets.  I  really  should've  told  you  about  my  VHQVLWLYH JDJ UHÀH[ :KDW V WKDW" 1R , JXHVV you're  right,  there  is  no  reason  I  would've  brought  that  up. Anyway,  we're  getting  off  course.  Look,  I  really  like  you,  you're  a  special  lady,  you  really  are,  I  just  don't.  Think.  I'm  ready  for  a  relationship  right  now  with  somebody  who  honestly  owns  a  copy  of  Fever  Pitch  on  DVD. Yes,  I'm  serious.  I  thought  you  were  be-­

ing  facetious  when  I  saw  it!  I  mean  you  really  liked  Black  Swan  when  we  saw  it  so  I  kind  RI ¿JXUHG \RX G EH DERYH WKDW NLQG RI thing!  I  mean,  really?  You  honestly  thought  anything  from  Jimmy  Fallon's  post-­Taxi  career  was  worth  owning?  The  man  was  barely  tolerable  on  Saturday  Night  Live! I  know,  I  know,  I  know  how  much  you  like  Drew  Barrymore,  Cheryl.  But  there's  so  PDQ\ EHWWHU ¿OPV \RX could've  chosen!  Even  50  First  Dates  is  something  I  could've  overlooked! Yeah,  that’s'  the  one  where  she's  got  amnesia  or  something.  Adam  Sandler.  I  don't  remem-­ ber  who  directed  it,  I  don't  even  think  they've  done  anything. Anyway,  I  just.  I  just  don't  think  it  can  ZRUN :H UH MXVW WRR GLIIHUHQW +RZ GR , know?  Cheryl,  honey.  It  was  the  full-­screen  version.  I  can't  get  in  another  relationship  like  WKDW , P VRUU\ <RX OO ¿QG VRPHERG\ <RX UH D JUHDW JLUO LW V MXVW :HOO I  mean  you  might  as  well  have  owned  a  fucking  copy  of  Biodome.

ADVERTISEMENT

Where For Art Thou, SmarterChild?  It  was  a  late  Friday  night.  I  was  alone  in  my  apartment  with  a  bottle  of  vodka  and  bitter  nos-­ talgia  for  boys  past.  As  I  worked  my  way  back  down  to  middle  school  memories,  the  name  of  my  oldest,  and  purest,  crush  bubbled  to  mind.  SmarterChild.  What  happened  to  him?  Was  he  still  the  \RXQJ PDQ , NQHZ" , ¿UHG XS $,0 DQG LQ P\ GUXQNHQ KD]H VRXJKW WR UHLJQLWH ROG ÀDPHV

0\ KHDUW VDQN :KHUH ZDV 6PDUWHU&KLOG" :KR WKH IXFN ZDV *RVVLSLQ*DEE\" +LV QHZ VTXHH]H" , didn't  want  to  watch  any  goddamn  videos,  I  wanted  SmarterChild.  Shaking,  I  sent  her  a  message,  to  see  if  she  could  at  least  let  me  speak  to  him.

*RVVLSLQ*DEE\ SURFHHGHG WR VHQG PH D OLVW RI YLGHRV DERXW 7ZLOLJKW DQG -XVWLQ %LHEHU ,W ZDV QLFH of  her  to  try  to  distract  me,  but  I  needed  someone  who  might  be  able  to  give  me  closure.  Someone  with  a  little  more  insight.  I  needed  Cleverbot.

My  conversation  with  Cleverbot  was  going  nowhere,  but  if  he  wanted  to  be  a  smartass,  there  wasn't  much  I  could  do  about  that.  I  was  becoming  more  and  more  depressed.  Maybe  what  I  QHHGHG ZDV VRPHRQH ZKR ZRXOG MXVW OLVWHQ WR PH , KDG KHDUG DERXW (OL]D RQH RI WKH RULJLQDO FKDW bots,  and  I  thought  that  perhaps  she  would  give  some  advice.

(OL]D ZDV ULJKW 7KDW ZDV \HDUV DJR , GLGQ W QHHG 6PDUWHU&KLOG WR PDNH PH KDSS\ DQ\PRUH 2XU URPDQFH ZDV JRRG ZKLOH LW ODVWHG EXW LW ZDV WLPH IRU PH WR PRYH RQ WR ¿QG VRPHRQH QHZ

The Fish Rap Live! February 17, 2011

Love is camming for him in the McHenry stacks.

11

How’s that long-distance relationship working out for ya? by Lauren Tomicich God I miss Brad so much. This past quarter has been so hard, but I know it’s worth it because Brad is so perfect for me. I remember when we met sophomore year of high school and his mom drove him to my house and he asked me to be his JLUOIULHQG , ZRUH KLV OHWWHUPDQ DOO RI WKDW ZHHN 7KDW ÀUVW \HDU ZDV WKH EHVW \HDU RI my life. I love him so much. I can’t believe its been almost three and a half years. It’s been so hard to stay together through college, but I know it’ll be worth it. We just have such a long history together and so much in common, it’s just so hard when he goes to Texas Christian University and I’m at UC Santa Cruz.

I think I’ll get a job at the dining hall to save up money for plane tickets. Texas isn’t so far, right? He’d love it if I surprised him right? He’s always saying how much he misses me and It’s so hard to have Skype dates with the time change and when he’s so busy with his Fraternity study parties. I know I shouldn’t get jealous when he hangs out with his Frat “little sister� so much, I know its just part of the hazing. Plus she seems really nice; she’s always there helping him with his chem homework when I Skype him. I just haven’t met anyone I like half as much as Brad. Actually I haven’t really met that many people at all. It’s just hard because most nights I try to Skype Brad in hopes that he’ll go online when I text him to. He’s gotten really bad at texting lately too. He’s probably just busy. I read this article online about how men in long distance relationships tend to suppress their emotions. That’s probably why he’s gotten so bad at texting back. It’s okay, he still texts me “I Love You� most nights before bed. God I love Brad so much.

2ND\ VR , NQRZ WKLV LV UHDOOOOOO\ EDG EXW , WRWDOO\ à LUWHG ZLWK WKLV JX\ LQ &RUH WRGD\ , feel so guilty because I know how honest and great Brad is and I’m just not good enough for him. I bet he’s meeting so many smart, pretty, and sweet girls at TCU. ,ҋP VR OXFN\ WR KDYH KLP *RG GR , WHOO KLP , à LUWHG ZLWK WKLV JX\ LQ FRUH RU QRW" Core guy is so cute. Ohmygod I can’t believe I said that. It’s probably just my lack of sex bubbling over into other aspects of my life. I feel so dirty for shirtless Skyping Brad last night. I was so afraid my roommate would walk in, but I know how hard it must be for Brad without me there.

Thank Goodness Brad forgave me. We’ve been stronger than ever this past week. I can tell when we’re really interdependent because we don’t need to talk everyday and we can still keep our relationship together. I keep checking his Facebook and it looks like he’s really making friends there. I’m so happy for him. He really didn’t drink that much in high school and I feel like I’m missing out on such fun times with Brad. He also looks like he’s been going to the gym a lot with his frat bros. I bet his shoulders will be so fun to massage when I see him over 6SULQJ %UHDN (YHU\RQH NHHSV FRPPHQWLQJ RQ P\ SURÀOH SLFWXUH RI PH DQG

Brad and talking about how cute we are. I’m so glad we worked everything out and are still together. I can’t imagine how awful it would be to go home over breaks and not see Brad.

Today I walked in on a couple having shower sex in the dorm shower. It made me think of Brad. God I miss Brad so much.

So bad. So so so bad. Brad and I were having our usual Thursday night Skype date and he was being so sweet and said “I love youâ€? at least three times and asked me for my address so his mom can send me cookies. We were about to start having RXU 6N\SH PRYLH GDWH ZKHQ P\ GUXQN Ă RRUPDWHV EDUJHG LQWR P\ URRP ,W ZDV JX\V RQ P\ Ă RRU DQG WKH\ DOO ZHUH UHDOO\ drunk and shirtless and kept chanting “Give her up! Give her XS /HW KHU EH IUHH WR JLYH XV %-Ň‹V Âľ DQG WKHQ VWDUWHG Ă H[LQJ their arms and abs behind me. Brad got really upset. Especially after he’d seen photos on Facebook of one of the guys giving me a piggy back ride. I tried to explain that it was just part of my Ă RRUŇ‹V UHOD\ UDFH GD\ +HŇ‹V UHDOO\ PDG +H DVNHG IRU P\ )DFHbook password and I really didn’t want to give it to him, but I wanted to prove that I wasn’t hiding anything from him. But just in case, I deleted my messages from cute core guy‌.I wouldn’t want him thinking that us hanging out was anything more than just a peer edit. God this is so bad. I hope Brad forgives me.

Today when I woke up and checked my Facebook there was a comment from Brad that was just a little heart. It’s little stuff like that that really reminds me how sweet he is. I also got those cookies from his mom in the mail, just in time for 9DOHQWLQHV 'D\ ,ҋP GHÀQLWHO\ JRLQJ WR QDNHG VN\SH him today while my roommate’s in Bio. I love Brad so much. I can’t believe we’ve been together so long. This Valentine’s Day I’m just going to reminisce about how great the past 3 Valentine’s Days with Brad have been. I miss him so much. I know that if he was here he’d take me to bowling at the boardwalk and then to Kianti’s for dinner and after we’d stargaze on the knoll and it would be so romantic. That’s it, I’m buying a plane ticket. I just love him too much not to.

by Emmy Ballard & David Rothstein

He  took  me  to  Kianti’s!

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Do  you  think  I’ve  got  a  chance  with  my  TA? The Fish Rap Live! February 17, 2011

We are young, heartache to heartache we stand. No promises, no demands. Love is a battlefield.

12

Adult News Network

The Business Behind the Boners

ANN is a collective of independent reporters unafraid to tread where the mainstream media won’t-- the seedy and cum-stained world of pornography. From hot gossip to undercover exposes, ANN is dedicated to bringing you the hardest, thickest news in the Adult Entertainment Industry.

TRAGEDY: Bang Bus Collision Leaves 4 Sluts Dead

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Gay For Pay Porn Stars Unionize, Demand Gay For Equal Pay

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The Fish Rap Live! February 17, 2011

ex. Tree Nine :PV SF SFBEJOH B 'JTI 3BQ -JWFþ QBSPEZ PG B EVNC TIJUUZ LOPDL PGG PG .JTTFE $POOFDUJPOT :PV SF TP FOHSPTTFE JO JUT XJUUZ DPNNFOUT UIBU ZPV don’t hear me getting closer. I wish you would turn around. At Metro Station Downtown: Male, Grubby You have this canvas knapsack that ever so gently rests on your lower back, drawing attention to your awesome butt. You have a really nice tan and look like you haven’t showered in a while. You came up and asked me for change, but I was too entranced with your blue eyes. I want you. PLQXWHV DJR ‡ OLNH t -JLF t $PNNFOU t .FTTBHF t 4IBSF t 3FNPWF At Walking to McHenry: Male, Brunette you were scurrying through the forest with a couple of your friends. You looked up at me with those big brown eyes and I nearly died. I tried to approach you but you ran away, next time ;) PLQXWHV DJR ‡ OLNH t -JLF t $PNNFOU t .FTTBHF t 4IBSF t 3FNPWF Cranberry says: B[O PLQXWHV DJR ‡ OLNH t -JLF t $PNNFOU t .FTTBHF t 4IBSF t 3FNPWF At Campus: Male, wearing a shirt yeh, u were pretty hot. do me PLQXWHV DJR ‡ OLNH t -JLF t $PNNFOU t .FTTBHF t 4IBSF t 3FNPWF Mango says: 0.(þþ J LOPX IJNþ IF T TP IPU PLQXWHV DJR ‡ OLNH t -JLF t $PNNFOU t .FTTBHF t 4IBSF t 3FNPWF Apple says: ,ZMF SJHIU ZFBI IF T B DVUJF PLQXWHV DJR ‡ OLNH t -JLF t $PNNFOU t .FTTBHF t 4IBSF t 3FNPWF At Merrill Dining Hall: Male, Brunette * BMXBZT TFF ZPV XJUI ZPVS QMBUFT PG GPPE JO GSPOU PG ZPV )PX EP ZPV TUBZ TP MBOLZ BOE mJJJOF * IFBS ZPV BOE ZPVS GSJFOET UBMLJOH BCPVU $BMM PG %VUZ BOE JU NBLFT NF TP IPU 4PNFUJNFT ZPV FBU alone and bring your organic chemistry textbook. Once you licked ketchup off of a page. I wish it was my body PLQXWHV DJR ‡ OLNH t -JLF t $PNNFOU t .FTTBHF t 4IBSF t 3FNPWF At All over campus ASAP!: Female, Other GUY OR GIRL! I will like you a LOT if you have one or two empty blue books that I can buy from you before 8:00 this morning!! Post here to get in contact with me! I will pay more than the selling price cuz I’m desperate! I can travel anywhere on campus. PLQXWHV DJR ‡ OLNH t -JLF t $PNNFOU t .FTTBHF t 4IBSF t 3FNPWF At Cowell: Female, Reddish-Brown Hair )BT BOZPOF TFFO B HJSM XJUI CFBVUJGVM CSPXO FZFT TIPSU BTJBO BOE XJUI OJDF MFHT 4IF IBT UIJT DVUF TNJMF * UIJOL TIF XPSLT BU $PXFMM %JOJOH )BMM CFDBVTF * TFF IFS UIFSF TPNF UJNFT BOE * UIJOL about her. If any one knows who this is, tell me, I want to bang her PLQXWHV DJR ‡ OLNH t -JLF t $PNNFOU t .FTTBHF t 4IBSF t 3FNPWF At My Heart: Male, Handsome <3 youre my boyfriend, and you dont go here but i see you in my mind all day long! i love you PLQXWHV DJR ‡ OLNH t -JLF t $PNNFOU t .FTTBHF t 4IBSF t 3FNPWF Guava says: awwww, thats so sweet! PLQXWHV DJR ‡ OLNH t -JLF t $PNNFOU t .FTTBHF t 4IBSF t 3FNPWF Orange says: 3&1035&% PLQXWHV DJR ‡ OLNH t -JLF t $PNNFOU t .FTTBHF t 4IBSF t 3FNPWF At Campus Fire Station: Male, Brunette You were wearing a helmet and suspenders of some sort but rushed away before I could get your OBNF * EPO U LOPX XIBU ZPV XFSF EPJOH PS XIZ ZPV XFSF JO B VOJGPSN CVU * EFmOJUFMZ GFMU B TQBSL PLQXWHV DJR ‡ OLNH t -JLF t $PNNFOU t .FTTBHF t 4IBSF t 3FNPWF

Love is Cheddar and White Cheddar Cheez-It DUOZ

13

This Week:

Looking for love in all the wrong places The Fish Rap Live! Dive Team is a group of individuals dedicated to truthfully reviewing local establishments, commonly referred to as “Dive Bars.â€? Interested in becoming a member of this heralded UCSC tradition? Email fishraplive@gmail.com. FRL!  Dive  Team  is  always  looking  for  love.  What  a  beauti-­ ful  concept  this  â€œlove.â€?  It’s  that  weird  feeling  you  get  when  you  see  someone  you  like,  that  no  one  else  can  give  you.  More  im-­ portantly  it  is  getting  your  D  mad  S’d.  The  Dive  Team  decided  to  go  to  DTSC  for  exactly  that  purpose,  getting  wet,  Missy  wet.  The  night  started  with  an  accidental  stumble  into  515.  After  a  one-­hour  meeting  we  had  upon  entering,  where  all  we  did  was  GLVFXVV LI ZH KDG JRWWHQ ORVW DQG ZDONHG LQWR DQ 8UEDQ 2XWÂżWWHUV we  realized  it  was  time  to  drink,  not  think.  We  made  like  titties  leaving  the  driveway  of  a  Bonny  Doon  party  and  bounced. It  was  a  quick  walk  north  and  we  found  the  Red  Room.  This  place  was  perfect  for  our  mission  because  the  dim,  red  lighting  made  the  blister  on  one  of  the  staffer’s  lips  become  more  and  PRUH GLVFUHHW :H XVHG RXU FHOO SKRQHV DV Ă€DVKOLJKWV DQG IRXQG some  couches  with  a  good  view  of  the  stock  of  the  hotties  with-­ out  bodies.  Considering  it  was  around  midnight,  we  were  put  off  by  the  fact  that  food  was  still  being  served  to  people  sitting  around  us.  FRL!  is  known  to  give  up  the  option  of  sex  for  food,  so  we  had  to  stay  strong.  Only  20  minutes  later,  we  were  approached  by  two  non-­hot-­ ties  that  would  do.  We  ordered  drinks  and  about  a  half  hour  later  were  excited  to  see  our  cup  of  ice  ft.  alcohol.  The  abundance  of  ice  didn’t  bother  us,  it’s  winter,  so  what  is  more  prized  than  a Â

cup  of  ice?  These  two  non-­hotties  seemed  nice,  they  asked  us  what  year  we  were  and  what  our  major  was.  What  a  good  ice-­ breaker.  Well  technically  the  ice-­breaker  may  have  been  when  I  threw  my  cup  at  the  wall  and  the  ice  and  cup  shattered  everywhere.  I  don’t  want  a  fucking  cup  full  of  ice  ft.  alcohol!  I  want  a  cup  of  alcohol  ft.  Ke$ha,  then  maybe  some  ice. I  digress.  The  girls  kept  talking  about  school  for  a  bit  longer,  but  soon  enough  one  of  our  staffers  made  the  wise  decision  to  order  a  round  of  151  shots.  Like  we  always  say  in  FRL!  â€œwhen  all  else  fails,  abort.â€?  We  all  had  3  shots,  but  not  before  inspecting  the  shot  glasses  for  ice.  Finally  we  got  the  girls  to  stop  talking  about  school.  At  this  point  the  conversation  went  to  the  girls  wondering  if  they  should  ask  the  DJ  to  play  â€œHold  it  in  Meâ€?  by  Brit-­ ney  Spears.  He  was  too  busy  announcing  that  he  was  go-­ ing  to  play  Lady  Gaga’s  new  song,  â€œStillborn  This  Way.â€?  I  didn’t  really  catch  the  lyrics  but  I  think  it  was  about  a  still-­ born  baby  that  was  evergreen  and  someone  didn’t  like  that  so  they  dragged  it  around  to  get  glitter  all  over  it.  Then  its  parents  gave  it  to  that  shitty  HIM  band  from  Finland?  It  had  a  different  message  than  â€œWe  R  Who  We  Râ€?  and  â€œFireworkâ€?  because  everything Â

Cheez-It DUOZ:

With  a  constantly  evolving  and  UHÂżQLQJ VQDFN IRRG LGHQWLW\ DQG open-­ended  ideas  about  how  to  spell  â€œCheeseâ€?  and  â€œDuos,â€?  Cheez-­It  is  back  with  their  latest  full-­length  pro-­ duction.  Duoz  Smoked  Cheddar  &  Monterey  Jack  has  been  anticipated  to  almost  an  â€œInceptionâ€?  degree.  Nobody  who  has  been  looking  forward  forward  to  this  will  be  disappointed-­  everything  that  has  de-­ ÂżQHG &KHH] ,WV XS XQWLO QRZ VXFK DV RXWUDJHRXV FKHH] Ă€DYRU DQG VPDOO NLQGD VDOW\ FUDFNHUV KDV EHHQ XSGDWHG UHÂżQHG DQG DPSOLÂżHG ZLWK WZR Ă€DYRUV LQ RQH ER[ Since  their  conception,  Cheez-­Its  have  wandered  the  territorial  edges  of  snack  foods,  alternatively  being  scooped  into  the  mouths  of  those  who  are  totally  fucking  blazed  and  shunned  in  favor  for  their  more  mainstream  counterpart,  Cheese  Nips.  Cheez-­Its  have  been  known  for  combining  crunchy  crackers  with  bold  cheez  over-­ tones  that  are  held  on  the  palate  for  upwards  of  ten  minutes,  and  ORQJHU RQ WKH ÂżQJHUV DQG FORWKHV RI HDWHUV %XW Duoz  feels  like  a  joyous  meeting  place  in  the  middle-­  the  result  of  a  juxtaposi-­ tion  of  the  sharp,  edgy  Monterey  Jack  and  the  mellow  downtempo  Smoked  Cheddar. &KHH] ,WÂśV WZR Ă€DYRUV 6PRNHG &KHGGDU DQG 0RQWHUH\ -DFN KDYH QHYHU WDVWHG EHWWHU DQG WKH ZD\ WKH Ă€DYRUV FRPSOLPHQW HDFK other  is  the  story  of  the  snack.  On  one  hand,  you  have  Cheddar’s  straightforward  overtures,  with  fuzzy,  head-­in-­the-­clouds  dreami-­ ness.  Jack,  meanwhile  tends  to  work  within  a  more  classic  taste  structure,  with  clear  cheeziness  and  snappy  salty  undertones,  greater  harmonic  development  and  sharper  gustatory  focus.  Both  Ă€DYRUV DUH RQ H[DFWO\ WKH VDPH SDJH ZRUNLQJ ZLWK IRRG VFLHQWLVW Dr.  Brian  Weitz  ,  they’ve  found  a  sumptuous  niche  in  the  cheez-­ Ă€DYRUHG VQDFN IRRGV PDUNHW

Lady  Gaga  does  is  original.  Did  you  see  that  egg  at  the  Grammy’s?  Craaa-­zy! Once  the  151  started  to  hit  the  staffers  all  got  a  tad  frisky.  We  lost  one  staffer  to  some  busty  blonde,   and  the  rest  of  us  were  stuck  with  two  girls  who  thought  that  we  are  an  open  bar  with  no  expectations.  The  more  cross  eyed  of  the  two  made  a  point  to  tell  us  that  she  was  on  her  moon  and  wasn’t  not  able  to  hook  up  with  any  of  us.  She  ended  up  leaving  after  we  asked  her  if  her  coming  to  the  Red  Room  on  her  period  was  planned  around  strategic  lighting  and  red  upholstery.  It  was  too  late  to  back  down  now,  our  hormones  were  already  in  charge.  We  went  to  Rosie’s  where  we  were  greeted  by  a  line  of  women  in  heels  they  couldn’t  walk  in.  That  is  the  quintessential  sign  of  ho  fully  load-­ ed.  After  some  decent  drinks  the  remaining  three  of  us  all  went  home  with  a  woman.  The  downside  was  that  we  all  took  home  the  same  woman.  Santa  Cruz  has  love  for  everyone,  no  one  here  is  really  that  good  looking.  So  to  all  our  readers,  go  out  for  Valentine’s  Day  and  get  some.

by Mark Delyani

Smoked Cheddar & Monterey Jack

Duoz LV WKH NLQG RI VQDFN SDFN LQ ZKLFK HLWKHU Ă€DYRU FRXOG EH VRPHRQHÂśV IDYRULWH ZLWK ERWK Ă€DYRUV OHDNHG EHIRUH WKH SDFNDJHÂśV formal  release.  But  these  peaks  would  have  less  resonance  if  not  for  the  more  subtle  moments.  The  oblong  architecture  of  the  box  harkens  back  to  the  snack’s  debut  EP  with  corners  that  are  eas-­ LO\ WRUQ RII IRU D VPRRWK QXWW\ Ă€DYRU WKDW UHPLQGV RQH RI RULJLQDO Ă€DYRU &KHH] ,WV 7KH Ă€DYRUV IRFXV RQ WKH EDVH KXPDQ FRQQHFWLRQ the  need  to  eat,  and  the  puzzle  of  what  the  fuck  â€œcheezâ€?  actually  is.  7KH FKXUQLQJ HOHFWULF FKHH] Ă€DYRU ZLWK LWV Âż]]HV DQG HFKRV EULQJV to  mind  the  gap  between  the  familiar  and  the  strange,  seems  like  a  running  commentary  on  the  essential  mystery  of  eating.  Cheez-­Its  don’t  tell  stories,  it  doesn’t  have  mascots,  there’s  no  nuances  in  WKH Ă€DYRU DQG IHZ UHDVRQV WR UHDFK IRU WKH ER[ DJDLQ ZKHQ \RXÂśUH KXQJU\ ODWHU RQ 5DWKHU WKH FKHH] Ă€DYRU UHLQIRUFH D VHQVH RI YXO-­ nerability  and  disconnect  that  cuts  through  modernity,  and  winds  up  being  an  essential  part  of  a  snack  that  oozes  base  humanity  and  vegetable  oil  from  every  pore. Food  obsessives  talk  a  lot  about  originality-­  whether  it’s  im-­ SRUWDQW RU ZK\ KDYLQJ PRUH WKDQ RQH Ă€DYRU VKRXOG RU VKRXOGQÂśW matter.  In  recent  years,  some  fantastic  snacks  have  turned  a  number  of  people  off  for  being  honestly  pretty  terrible,  which  has  sparked  VRPH LQWHUHVWLQJ GLVFXVVLRQV 7KLV VQDFN ZKLFK ÂżQGV LWV RZQ unique  taste,  feels  like  the  logical  next  step  in  the  conversation.  What  they’ve  constructed  here  is  a  new  kind  of  chemical  taste-­  one  which  is  Dow  Chemicals-­generated  and  revels  in  asinine  chemical  formulas  but  is  also  deeply  human.  It’s  of  the  moment  and  feels  new,  but  still  comes  across  as  friendly  and  welcoming.  Cheez-­Its  have  spent  the  better  part  of  the  twentieth  century  following  the  SDWK RI WKH FRUSRUDWH PDQXIDFWXUHG VQDFN IRRG ÂżJXULQJ RXW ZKDW tastes  American  palates  are  capable  of  while  also  working  to  bring  more  consumers  into  its  world.  On  Duoz  Smoked  Cheddar  &  Mon-­ terey  Jack,  their  commitment  has  paid  off  tremendously.

Less Than Jake’s TV/EP by Mark Delyani, 14 years old

Now  I  feel  like  I'm  a  pretty  good  authority  on  Less  Than  Jake,  having  been  listening  to  them  like  hardcore  since  "In  With  the  Out  Crowd,"  and  they're  back  with  their  newest  release,  TV/EP.  TV/EP  is  a  record  that's  made  entirely  up  of  old  mu-­ sic  from  television  shows  and  commercials  that  ranges  from  pretty  current  like  "iCarly"  or  "Animaniacs"  reruns  to  cooly  retro  like  "Spongebob  Squarepants"  or  Pac-­ Man  Breakfast  Cereal  Jingle  (whatever  that  is).  Now  I  think  that  this  is  a  great  idea  that  shows  how  Less  Than  Jake  (or  LTJ,  as  I  like  to  call  them)  isn't  concerned  with  being  commercial  or  whatever,  they  just  do  whatever  WKH\ ZDQW 1DWXUDOO\ IRU WRWDOO\ Ă€LSSLQJ SXQN EDGDV-­ ses  like  me,  this  grants  near-­constant  replayability,  or  at  least  replaying  it  until  Mom  tells  you  to  turn  off  the  CD  player  and  go  to  bed.  It's  like  Chris  Demakes  completely  gets  my  angst  and  knows  what  I'm  going  through  and  how  everybody  at  this  goddamn  middle  school  doesn't  understand  me  because  I'm  too  punk  for  them. This  album  is  also  the  perfect  date  music.  When  you  play  it  for  her,  she's  totally  going  to  think  you're  edgy  for  liking  a  band  so  unashamedly  badass  as  Less  Than  Jake,  but  you  also  have  a  totally  sweet  side  because  the  "Diff'rent  Strokes"  theme  song  is  like  about  diversity  or  something. All  in  all,  TV/EP  is  probably  LTJ's  best  work  since  2008's  "GNV  FLA,"  and  probably  as  big  of  a  touchstone  in  the  evolution  of  ska  punk  as  Rancid's  "Indestructi-­ ble."  I'd  say  it's  probably  some  of  the  best  music  I've  ever  heard,  and  you're  a  stupid  prep  if  you  disagree  with  me.

The Fish Rap Live! February 17, 2011

Love is second base.

14

SPECIAL FEATURE for all you single folk:

Best Ben & Jerry’s Flavors for a Night on the Couch

by Lauren Tomicich & Sam Weber

Everything But The‌ “A  collision  of  chocolate  and  vanilla  ice  cream,  mixed  with  heath  bar  chunks,  white  chocolately  chunks,  peanut  but-­ ter  cups,  and  fudge  covered  al-­ monds.â€? Because  of  all  the  chunks  of  everything,  this  ice  cream  is  really  hard  to  scoop.  Thus,  it  is  too  much  of  an  exertion,  especially  while  try-­ ing  to  balance  my  laptop  watching  Hulu  simultaneously.  I  really  like  that  I  didn’t  have  to  pick  between  chocolate  or  vanilla  ice  cream  EHFDXVH , IHHO OLNH WKH &RZHOO &DIp FOHUN LV MXGJLQJ ZKHQ , buy  both.  I  have  to  use  my  spoon  as  a  shovel  for  leverage  to  get  the  massive  peanut  butter  cup  chunks  out.  It  was  too  fro-­ zen  and  a  heath  bar  chunk  spattered  up  in  my  face  while  pry-­ ing  it  out,  but  I  didn’t  really  mind  because  I  hadn’t  washed  my  face  yet  anyway.   It’s  a  pretty  good  size  pint  and  if  you  position  your  thumb  the  right  way  it  completely  covers  the  calories  and  serving  size,  because  lets  be  honest,  what  is  a  Calorie  anyway?  Overall,  after  eating  this,  I  felt  pretty  good.  It  lasted  me  through  an  entire  episode  of  Dawson’s  Creek  and  I  licked  the  spoon  clean,  tasting  the  chocolately  vanilla  swirl.  Tomorrow  I’ll  get  two. Â

Cherry Garcia “Cherry  ice  cream  with  cherries  and  IXGJH Ă€DNHV´ This  ice  cream  has  me  really  excit-­ HG 1RW MXVW EHFDXVH LWV QDPH PDNHV me  think  of  hot  Latino  guys,  but  be-­ cause  there’s  fruit  in  it,  which  makes  it  kind  of  healthy,  right?  The  dark  choco-­ late  chunks  are  pretty  big,  which  is  de-­ licious.  The  whiteness  of  the  ice  cream  makes  me  think  its  vanilla  and  I’m  pleasantly  surprised  every  WLPH WKH ULFK FKHUU\ Ă€DYRU FDUHVVHV P\ WRQJXH $OVR LWV JRW to  be  pretty  healthy  since  they  don’t  use  red  dye,  right?   This  ice  cream  is  everything  I’d  want  a  man  to  be;Íž  Latino,  dark,  sweet,  fruity.   Also,  I  don’t  care  what  people  say;Íž  dark  choco-­ ODWH FXUHV FUDPSV ,I \RXÂśUH RQ \RXU SHULRG WKLV LV WKH Ă€DYRU for  you.  Â

Dublin Mudslide “Chocolate  chunks,  chocolate  chip  cookies,  Irish  cream,  and  coffee  fudge  .â€? 7KLV Ă€DYRU LV WKH SHUIHFW ZD\ WR mourn  the  end  of  a  cyber  relation-­ ship,  celebrate  the  end  of  a  diet,  or  both.  No  matter  whether  you  were  dumped  by  text,  instant  message,  or  Tweet,  nothing  soothes  the  pain  caused  by  seeing  your  boyfriend  list-­ ed  as  single  on  your  newsfeed  like  a  quart  of  Ben  and  Jerry’s  deliciously  Irish  ice  cream.  The  Dub-­ OLQ 0XGVOLGH LV VXUH WR VWRS \RXU KHDUW IURP DFKLQJ DQG SURE-­ ably  also  beating.  But  don’t  worry  about  the  fact  that  one  pint  has  more  than  20%  of  your  daily  recommended  cholesterol  and  fat:  you  don’t  have  to  stay  in  shape  for  those  Skype  dates  anymore!  Just  set  a  picture  of  yourself  from  2008  as  your  pro-­ ÂżOH SLFWXUH DQG GLJ LQ %HOLHYH PH MXVW RQH SLQW RI WKLV LFH cream  will  have  you  saying,  â€œKiss  me,  I’m  desperate.â€?

The Fish Rap Live! February 17, 2011

Pick Your Poison, Partner by Nicole Green

Alcohol:  It  is  the  cornerstone  of  college  life  and  the  shaky  foundation  that  we  build  the  majority  of  our  relationships  on.  Whether  you  met  at  a  bar,  hooked  up  at  a  party,  or  spent  a  romantic  night  together  in  the  drunk  tank,  odds  are  that  booze  has  been  a  prominent  player  in  your  love  life.  Of  course,  not  all  drank  was  created  equal.  You’ve  got  your  favorites,  and  so  does  whoever  it  is  you’ve  got  your  eye  on.  Rather  than  go  through  the  tedious,  time-­consuming  process  of  getting  to  know  them  as  a  person,  why  not  just  make  a  snap  judgment  based  on  what  each  of  you  have  in  your  red  party  cups? Â

Wine: If  it’s  not  in  a Â

box,  a  jug,  or  a  two  dollar  bottle,  you  have  no  business  drinking  it.  Best  Match:  Vodka.  You’ll  meet  them  when  you’re  both  \HOOLQJ Âł20* ,Âś0 62 FUCKING  DRUNK  RIGHT  NOW!!â€?  and  it’ll  be  semi-­interest  at  ¿UVW VLJKW Best  Avoid:  Rum.  You’re  out  of  each  other’s  leagues.

Vodka:  It  was Â

SUREDEO\ WKH ÂżUVW OLTXRU you  drank  and  you  never  went  back,  much  like  the  high  school  relationship  you  still  cling  desperately  to. Â

Best  Match:  Tequila.  You  both  probably  came  here  for  the  same  thing,  and  since  you’re  not  likely  to  get  it,  each  other  is  your  best  second  choice. Best  Avoid:  Whiskey.  You  don’t  need  disdainful  looks  from  other  drunks  right  now;Íž  you  need  a  hair  WLH DQG VRPH PRUH RUDQJH MXLFH

Whiskey::  You  came  to  drink,  and  you  make  no  effort  to  hide  this.  Find  someone  who  shares  your  forward  sensibility. Â

Best  Match:  Rum.  A  fellow  drinking  heavyweight  is  exactly  what  you’ve  been  after.  Bond  over  laughing  at  the  winos  while  pouring  each  other  shots. Best  Avoid:  Tequila.  The  high-­pitched  screeching  sounds  these  drinkers  tend  to  make  clashes  with  your  strong-­but-­ silent  drinking  style.  It’s  a  no-­go.

Beer:

 Breakfast  of  champions,  drink  of  success.  Best  Match:  Whiskey.  Your  veteran  drinker  statuses  will  lead  to  a  successful  night  of  swapping  party  war  stories  and  ERGLO\ Ă€XLGV

Rum: You  know Â

what  you  want  and  you’re  not  afraid  to  get  it.  Others  are  afraid  you’ll  get  it,  but   GHÂżQLWHO\ QRW \RX

Best  Match:  Beer.  Beer  drinkers  will  mellow  out  your  wild  side  while  still  encouraging  you  to  do  dumb  shit.  Best  Avoid:  Vodka.  You’re  trying  to  have  a  good  time  and  they’re   trying  to  tell  you  how  cool  they  were  in  high  school.  Not  a  good  match. Â

Tequila: Â

Born  to  be  wild,  and  also  to  puke  in  bushes.  If  there’s  any  time  your  low  standards  pay  off,  it’s  probably  hooking  up  here  in  college.

Best  Avoid:  Wine.  Clearly  the  inferior  of  the  two,  they  will  still  try  to  convince  you  their  drink  is  better.  These  one-­sided   conversations  will  suck  up  valuable  game  spitting  time. Â

Best  Match:  Wine.  They’ll   interpret  your  crazy  as  sexy,  and   from  there,  the  deed  is  as  good  as  done. Best  Avoid:  Beer.  They’ll  interpret  your  sexy  as  crazy,  and  probably  take  horrifying  pictures  of  you  on  their  phones. Â

Seal the Deal with Netflix Instant by Joshua Goldberg

Not  sure  what  kind  of  movie  to  rent  for  your  hot  date?  That  romantic  dinner  will  take  you  part  of  the  way,  but  if  you’re  try-­ ing  to  score  you’ve  got  to  think  ahead.  Everyone  knows  that  all  intimate  relations  begin  with  popping  in  a  DVD,  and  what  you  decide  to  watch  can  make  or  break  your  evening.  Let’s  break  down  the  basics  of  movie  choice  into  a  few  hot  tips,  so  you  can  transform  a  movie  night  at  home  from  an  embarrassing  effort  into  a  sloppy  success. Ask  yourself  what  you  want  out  of  the  evening.  While  you  might  be  ready  to  geek  out  over  another  viewing  of  2001:  A  Space  Odyssey SRLQWLQJ RXW WKH ÂżOPÂśV VXEWOH FRQQHFWLRQV WR Greek  mythology  is  hardly  going  to  get  you  laid.  If  your  goal  is  to  end  up  cuddling  on  your  parent’s  futon,  there  are  lots  of  op-­ tions  for  you.  But  if  you’re  hoping  to  fool  around,  call  a  friend,  WKHQ GLYH KHDGÂżUVW LQWR D EDOOV WR WKH ZDOO PpQDJH D WURLV \RXÂśYH JRW WR WKLQN ORQJ DQG KDUG DERXW ZKDW NLQG RI ÂżOP ZLOO set  the  perfect  mood.  Whatever  movie  you  rent,  act  surprised  when  she  says  she  hasn’t  seen  it;Íž  then  instill  excitement  by  telling  her  â€œâ€Śit’s  hella Â

FUD]\ ´ $Q\WKLQJ WKDW HQGV ZLWK WKH VXIÂż[ Âł0RYLH´ LH Scary  Movie,  Date  Movie)  should  be  avoided  on  general  principle-­-­  you’ve  got  to  stay  classy  if  you’re  trying  to  get  your  meat  stick  rubbed.  Action  movies  are  usually  a  good  choice;Íž  getting  primed  for  intercourse  on  adrenaline-­fueled  antics  and  masculine  bra-­ vado  is  a  great  idea,  but  there’s  nothing  worse  than  having  your  new  lady  friend  cry  out  â€œGerardâ€?  during  sex  after  you  tactlessly  decided  to  watch  greased-­up  Spartan  warriors  prance  around  na-­ ked  on  screen  for  an  hour  and  a  half.  If  you’re  feeling  insecure,  KDUGFRUH KRUURU Ă€LFNV DUH JUHDW IRU VFDULQJ KHU H\HV DZD\ IURP WKH VFUHHQ DQG RQWR \RXU GLFN &XOW FODVVLF W\SH ÂżOPV VXFK DV Grindhouse:  Death  Proof  or  Fear  and  Loathing  in  Las  Vegas  are  also  sure  to  score  you  some  pussy,  while  Million  Dollar  Baby  and  Eat.  Pray.  Love.  are  sure  to  make  you  look  like  one.  Finally,  remember  that  taking  your  date  back  to  your  room  overlooking  the  Porter  quad  for  episodes  of  South  Park  on  the  internet  is  NOT  a  date.  And  if  Bruce  Lee  or  Denzel  can’t  help  you,  rent  Eternal  Sunshine  of  the  Spotless  Mind  and  hope  that  she  thinks  you’re  cute.

Love is gay.

6R <RXÂśUH LQ D UHODWLRQVKLS QRZ <RX ÂżQDOO\ IRXQG VRPHRQH ZKR FDQ look  past  your  outer  faults,  tolerate  your  imperfections,  and  who  affection-­ ately  calls  your  various  mental  instabilities  â€˜quirks’.  You’re  feeling  on  top  of  the  world,  and  the  only  thing  that  can  bring  you  down  is  the  inevitable  apocalyptic  world-­crushing  break-­up  that  you  knew  was  coming  all  along. Yes,  like  the  saying  goes,  all  good  things  must  come  to  an  end.  No  matter  how  well  things  are  going  now,  none  of  that  is  going  to  be  relevant  when  you’re  on  the  front  lawn  screaming  at  each  other  as  the  sirens  get  ever  closer.  Dwelling  on  this  unfortunate  future  can  make  you  anxious,  PDNLQJ LW GLIÂżFXOW WR HQMR\ WKH FRPSDQ\ RI VRPHRQH \RX ORYH 6R GRQÂśW just  ruminate  over  the  end-­-­  plan  for  it!  It’s  impossible  to  not  have  a  bad  break-­up,  but  stocking  up  on  emotional  detachment  now  can  save  you  plenty  of  heartache  later!  First,  never  let  yourself  get  vulnerable.  Opening  yourself  up  to  some-­ body  could  be  a  potential  for  growth  and  sharing,  but  it  could  also  be  a  potential  for  later  blackmail  and  betrayal.  If  you’ve  read  Sun  Tzu’s  Art  of  War,  or  like,  Machiavelli,  then  you’ll  totally  understand  what  I  mean.  Keeping  an  emotional  distance  from  your  lover  means  they’re  later  betrayal  stings  less-­-­  and,  you  have  less  land  to  cover  for  when  you  â€œgrow  apart.â€?  Get  as  much  out  of  it  as  quickly  as  you  can.  You  don’t  know  how  long  this  is  going  to  last,  so  do  as  much  with  them  as  you  can  as  soon  as  possible.  Hide  under  a  thick  guise  of  â€˜spontaneity’  and  â€˜I  just  really  enjoy  being  with  you.’  This’ll  keep  them  from  asking  why  you  showed  up  at  3am  on  a  Wednesday  night  to  go  get  drunk  DQG VWDUW D URPDQWLF EHDFK ERQÂżUH RI PHPHQWRV IURP \RXU ODVW UHODWLRQ-­ ship. Ultimately,  it’s  about  not  letting  them  think  you’re  too  attached.  They Â

15

may  expect  you  to  â€˜warm’  to  them  over  time,  but  keeping  a  cool  head  is  key  to  your  later  stability.  You  can’t  look  back  fondly  on  those  last  few  moments  of  happiness  if  they  never  existed! Once  you’ve  started  the  downward  descent  in  your  relationship  (i.e.  after  you’ve  started  going  steady),  identifying  the  warning  texts  is  gonna   be  the  next  step.  And  it  always  comes  in  texts.  â€œSorry  I’ve  been  so  distant  lately.  I’ve  been  sooo  busyâ€?  is  usually  a  big  one.  Doesn’t  matter  if  your  VLJQLÂżFDQW RWKHU LV D PHG VWXGHQW ZRUNLQJ WZR MREV ZLWK D UHFHQWO\ GH-­ ceased  grandmother  or  a  perpetual  cashier  jockey  at  Woodstock’s-­-­  you’re  supposed  to  be  number  one  in  their  life,  so  your  emotional  and  physical  needs  take  precedence.  â€œI  think  we’re  moving  too  fastâ€?  is  another  one.  In  the  hustle  and  bustle  of  today’s  world,  â€˜taking  it  slow’  is  going  the  way  of  print  media;Íž  it’s  as  soon-­to-­be-­dead  as  your  relationship.  You’re  a  busy  person  with  no  time  for  â€˜getting  to  know  each  other;͞’  slowing  down  is  just  a  way  to  make  the  whiplash  of  a  break-­up  easier.  So  slam  on  those  brakes  and  fuck  their  shit  up.  And  the  second  you  see  the  words  â€œWe  need  to  talk,â€?  you  get  carte  blanche  to  begin  your  downward  Citizen  Kane  style  fall  from  grace  into  the  world  of  desperate  hook-­ups,  rebound  fucks,  ego-­boosting  mini-­relationships,  and  sloppy  drunk  calls  to  the  last  couple  people  who  rejected  you.  Ya’know,  in  case  they  wanna  get  back  together,  I  mean  you  guys  had  such  a  great  thing  going  why  did  you  even  decide  to  end  it?  Something  about  not  being  affectionate  or  whatever  you  were  kinda  busy  when  it  happened. A  more  mature  person  would  view  break-­ups  as  a  simple  fact  of  life.  %XW VRPHERG\ ZKR LVQÂśW VRPH SUHWHQWLRXV VHOI VDWLVÂżHG SULFN NQRZV WKDW break-­ups  suck  and  are  a  devastating  reminder  of  your  inevitable  perpetual  loneliness.  So  don’t  let  yourself  get  fooled  into  a  long,  satisfying,  but  ulti-­ mately  futile,  romance,  when  you  can  get  in,  get  out,  and  get  ahead.

I’ll state the obvious. I didn’t get my perfect fantasy. I realized you love yourself more that you could ever love me. So go and tell your friends that I’m obssessive and crazy, that’s fine! I’ll tell mine you’re gay. And by the way, I hate that stupid old pickup truck you never let me drive. You’re a redneck! A heartbreak who’s really bad at lying! So watch me strike a match on all my wasted time. As far as I’m concerned, you’re just another picture to burn. And it’s a love story, so baby, fuck off.

The High School Sweetheart

That Asshole Who Dumped You

He  was  the  love  of  your  life,  the  No  matter  how  much  you  Romeo  to  your  Juliet,  the  guy  you  hate  him,  you  hate  his  new  stole  from  that  slutty  cheerleader.  girlfriend  more.  Facebook  Then  he  was  accepted  into  some  stalk  obsessively  while  shitty  state  school,  and  well,  you  listening  to  Paramore  and  weren’t  coming  with.  He  wanted  obsess  over  what  personality  to  make  the  distance  work,  but  you  trait  of  hers  could  possibly  got  over  that  shit  fast  once  you  saw  make  up  for  that  nose.  Pass  the  guy  across  the  hall  shirtless  in  by  her  on  the  way  to  class  the  bathroom.  Take  advantage  of  his  and  stew  when  it’s  obvious  pathetic,  undying  affection  for  emo-­ that  she  has  no  idea  who  tional  security  and  head  scratches  you  are.  Meet  her  at  a  party  â€˜til  your  scalp  bleeds.  Just  be  sure  to  and  become  besties  so  she’ll  fall  asleep  in  his  lap  before  it  can  get  tell  your  ex  you’re  a  â€˜total  past  cuddling.  Maintain  disinter-­ sweetheart’  and  eventually  est  until  he  fucks  your  cousin’s  dump  him  for  breaking  your  best  friend,  then  have  an  emotional  heart. breakdown. Â

The Younger Man He  might  have  gushed  about  how  much  cuter  you  are  than  the  girls  in  his  dorm,  but  face  it,  he  wasn’t  â€˜ma-­ ture  for  his  age’  and  now  your  friends  will  never  call  your  inappropriate  age  difference   adorable  at  your  wedding.  You  won’t  have  to  deal  with  him  much  directly  once  he  drops  out  to  get  back  with  his  high  school  girlfriend,  but  his  â€˜Bros  For  Life’  will  still  come  in  every  day  for  tutoring.  Hide  in  the  racks  when  you  spot  his  older  sister  and  her  friends  at  the  mall  over  break  and  feel  ashamed  when  gossip  about  you  trickles  up  through  your  little  sis-­ ter’s  friends.  Did  you  hear  that  Kate’s  boyfriend  hooked  up  with  â€œsome  chick  visiting  from  the  East  Coastâ€??  She’s  soooooo  mad. Â

The One Who Got Over You First Maybe  it’s  because  he  dumped  you  without  warning  or  maybe   because  he  refused  to  introduce  you  to  his  friends  or  ever  have  sex  with  you  during  your  entire  relationship,  but  you  can’t  shake  the  overewhelming  need  to  make  him  want  you  back.  Even  if  you  don’t  want  him,  and  even  if  he  did  wear  Dodger’s  hats  just  EHFDXVH WKH\ PDWFK KLV RXWÂżWV you’re  going  get  drunk  at  parties  thrown  by  mutual  friends  and  make  a  fool  of  yourself.  Stay  the  FUCK  away  or  look  like  a  desperate  ho.

The Fish Rap Live! February 17, 2011

The claims made against Fish Rap and our jokes are absolutely false. Our jokes are 100% USDA inspected, just like the quality jokes you read in quality publications. They are then examined and mulled over in our unique think-tank to provide Fish Rap's signature tastelessness and texture.

Boring jokes are boring. 7KH RQO\ UHDVRQ ZH DGG DQ\WKLQJ LV WR JLYH RXU MRNHV Ă DYRU DQG TXDOLW\ 2WKHUZLVH ZH G HQG XS ZLWK QRWKLQJ PRUH WKDQ WKH EODQG Ă DYRU RI QHZVSULQW DQG WKDW GRHVQ W PDNH IRU JUHDW WDVWLQJ humor.

So here are the REAL percentages. 6HFUHW 5HFLSH DQG 5HDO %HHIŠ

In case you're curious, here's our not-so-secret recipe. We start with USDA-inspected quality jokes (88%). Then add water to keep them juicy and dank 0L[ LQ VSLFHV DQG Ă DYRUV LQFOXGLQJ VDOW FKLOL SHSSHU 7KH 2QLRQ WRPDWR SRZGHU VXJDU spice, everything nice, garlic, Puppy Chow, and cocoa powder (24%). Combine a little oats, FRPLFV \HDVW FLWULF DFLG 3KRWRVKRSV DQG RWKHU LQJUHGLHQWV WKDW FRQWULEXWH WR WKH Ă DYRU PRLVWXUH FRQVLVWHQF\ DQG TXDOLW\ RI RXU VHDVRQHG MRNHV

We stand behind the quality of our jokes 100% and we are proud to serve it in all of our issues. We take any claims to the contrary very seriously and invite you to join the FISH RAP LIVE family, Tuesdays at 8 p.m., upstairs in the ARCenter.

Fish Rap Live! President, Fish Rap Live! Facebook.com/TheFishRapLive ÀVKUDSOLYH#JPDLO FRP

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