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Hella Edition WEATHER

IN THIS ISSUE:

Santa Cruz, CA /RZPLGDIWHUQRRQIRJZLWKD KLJKULVNRISDUNLQJWLFNHWV

Vol. XXII,  Issue  4

In this issue: CAMPUS

‡:HHG ‡%RR]H ‡&RXSRQV

“News Faux  You”

Non-­cents

Mark Yudof Unveils Plan to Personally Spit in the Face of Every UC Student

4/20 Cancelled Due to Budget Cuts -Page 2

ENTERTAINMENT

Britney Spears Fat Again - Page 4

LAW ENFORCEMENT

FBI Launches Investigation Into Fashion Crimes - Page 11

ECONOMY

by Danny Brooks Denny’s Hiring - Page 13

CAMPUS

Weed Rules, Reports Freshman

Page 14

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Fish Rap Live! Presents: A Fish Rap Self Guided UCSC Tour

2

4 Editors-­in-­Chief Emmy  Ballard James  Shea Managing  Editor Gregory  Ronquillo Assistant  Editor Mark  Delyani Best  Editor Nicole  Green Illustrators Fred  Liang,  Donald  Smith,  Solomon   Wong Staff  Members Everest    Dillion-­Hurley,  Lindy  Ed-­ wards,  James  Farmer,  Judyan  Gon-­ zalez,  Samer  Hosn,  Clay  Malzkuhn,   Darlene  McCoy,  Victor  Orozco,   Chloi  Rad,  Patrick  Rooney,  David   Rothstein,  Lauren  Tomicich,  Sam   Weber,  Brendan  Woodruff Contributors Danny  Brooks,  Michael  Fantauzzo,   Stephanie  Liao,  Sophie  Lundeberg,   Ethan  Ramirez,  Kimberly  Reyes,   Amanda  Vivrette $hout  Out Thank  you  to  Cowell,  Crown,     College  Nine,  and  Porter  Senates!   *Not  funded  by  Kresge  Parliament. Join  our  ranks! Meetings  every  Tuesday  at  8  p.m.,   upstairs  in  the  ARCenter. Become  a  Fan  on  Facebook! search:  The  Fish  Rap  Live! Follow  FRL  on  Twitter ZZZWZLWWHUFRP¿VKUDSOLYH Friend  us  on  Neopets  (seriously) Username:  Fishraplive Snail  Mail   Attn:  The  Fish  Rap  Live! Press  Center University  of  California,  Santa  Cruz 1156  High  Street Santa  Cruz,  CA  95064-­1077 ¿VKUDSOLYH#JPDLOFRP Fish  Rap  Mantra Do  you  ever  feel  like  a  plastic  bag Drifting  throught  the  wind Wanting  to  start  again Do  you  ever  feel,  feel  so  paper  thin Like  a  house  of  cards One  blow  from  caving  in Do  you  ever  feel  already  buried   deep Six  feet  under  scream But  no  one  seems  to  hear  a  thing Do  you  know  that  there's  still  a   chance  for  you

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011

APRIL 2011

LETTER FROM THE EDITORS Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy, Hate  to  be  buzzkills,  but  we've  gotta  have  a  talk.  UCSC  is  slummin'  hard.  With  budget  cuts,  dying  majors,  the   LQFUHDVLQJSULYDWL]DWLRQRISXEOLFHGXFDWLRQDQGWKHZHLUGLQĂ&#x20AC;X[RIGXGHVLQIHGRUDVODWHO\8&6DQWD&UX]KDVEHHQ feeling  less  and  less  like  a  fun  little  college  in  a  fun  little  town,  and  more  and  more  like  a  real  college,  or  worse,   like  real  life.  It's  weird  and  unfortunate  and  also  a  little  bit  boring. /XFNLO\WKH6DQWD&UX]VSLULWLVQ WGHDG\HW7KHIDFWWKDWZH UHVWLOOFHOHEUDWLQJOLNHDQRIÂżFLDOKROLGD\ DQGVKXWWLQJGRZQFDPSXVWUDIÂżFMXVWVRZHFDQVSDUNXSDIHZMRLQWVVD\VDORWDERXWRXUSULRULWLHVÂąWKDWZH UH KDUGDVVGRQ WJLYHDIXFNPRIRVZKR OOEOD]HZKHQDQGZKHUHZHZDQW6XUHWKHPRVWZH UHZLOOLQJWRÂżJKWIRU RXUHGXFDWLRQVHHPVWREHSXWWLQJXSDIHZĂ&#x20AC;\HUVDQGOD\LQJQDNHGLQDÂżHOGRUFKDONLQJVORJDQVHYHU\ZKHUH but  at  the  least  we're  still  willing  to  embrace  the  freewheeling  sunshine  bullshit  that  stereotypes  our  public   image  and  leads  tour  guides  to  snicker  everytime  they  say  "No,  there's  no  drug  culture  here." So  keep  smoking!  Keep  drinking!  Keep  partying!  Keep  playing  Cee-­lo  Green  on  your  acoustic  guitar   outside  my  bedroom  window  when  I'm  trying  to  sleep  jesus  christ  it's  like  what  fucking  2  a.m.  on  a  Tues-­ day?!  Keep  the  Santa  Cruz  spirit  alive  even  if  it's  in  the  faintest  and  easiest  and  most  immediately  gratifying   way.  Unless  you  have  a  Bio  midterm  on  Wednesday  in  which  case,  oops,  sorry,  that  sucks  bro.    

  

  

  

  

  

  

              XOXO,                  Emmy  Ballard  &  James  Shea

363UDFWLFH\RXUORRNRXWVNLOOVDQGKHOSXVÂżQGWKHQDUFRQHYHU\SDJH

Dear  Baby  Gurl, <RX¿VKUDSKDYH provided  me  with   top  notch  procrasti-­ nating  material  for   the  last  four  years.   Sometimes  I  even   read  you  when  I   don't  have  more   important  things  to   do.  I  almost  wrote  for   you  one  time,  but  it  seemed   hard.  Thanks  for  mentioning  my  hometown   (Thousand  Oaks)  in  the  last  issue,  that  shit  was   legitttttt.  That  reference,  and  the  fact  that  the   DUFDGH¿UHVQHZDOEXPLVFDOOHG WKHVXEXUEV  has  basically  made  my  last  couple  months.   Also,  your  constant  references  to  alcoholism   make  me  feel  better.  I  actually  laugh  out  loud   when  I  read  you.  Something  tells  me  you  are   going  to  recieve  a  number  of  letters  for  the   next  issue,  so  I  don't  know  if  this  will  make  the   cut,  but  shoot,  thanks  for  doing  what  you  guys   are  doing.       Martyyyy  B. PS.  Two  issues  in  one  quarter?!?  Take  it   eaaaasy  guysssssssss PSS:  I  want  to  be  Brosef  McPartyhead   when  I  grow  up. PSSS:  I  think  you  should  use  your  politcal   clout  to  bring  back  the  real  four  lokos.  

PSSSS:  Can  I  be  on  the  dive  team?  Please?   Hit  me  backkkk.         Sup  Marty, Awww,  thanks  M.B.!  If  there's  one  thing   we  at  Fish  Rap  always  strive  to  do,  its  provide   only  the  highest  quality  in  slacking  off  materi-­ als.   And  I  hope  youre  ready  for  THREE  issues   of  laugh-­out-­loud  alcoholic-­inspired  content   and  general  malarky,  because  that's  what  we're   aiming  for  this  quarter.  Look  for  our  next  two   issues  in  May  and  June,  respectively. Also  we'd  love  to  have  you  on  Dive  Team,   but  it's  kind  of  in  a  weird  transitional  stage   right  now  where  basically  the  guys  in  charge  of   it  keep  forgetting  to  actually  be  charge  of  it.  If   we  get  our  shit  together  we  will  let  you  know! PS,  our  offer  about  getting  lunch  with  the   best  fan  letter  is  still  on  the  table,  send  us  an   email  if  you're  interested!!   Let's  Do  Lunch, Emmy  &  James   Hey  Fish  Rap  Live, I  have  this  picture  that  has  an  issue  of  FRL!   in  it,  so  I  thought  (for  some  reason???)  you   might  like  to  have  it.  I  have  a  ton  of  old  issues   VWRFNSLOHGLQP\URRPWRXVHDVĂ&#x20AC;RRULQJIRU the  baby  chicks  I  just  got....  Anyways,  have  the   best  day  ever!       Katie

Hey  Katie, How  did  you  know  that  the  only  thing   Fish  Rap  loves  more  than  Fish  Rap  is  pictures   of  cute  things?!  So  of  course  when  we  saw   that  you  had  combined  them  we  just  about   died  from  the  hysterics  of  gleeful  shrieks  and   fervent  girly  hand-­waving. Can  we  name  them?  Emmy  wants  to  name   them  Clucky,  Chirp-­Chirp,  Fluffy,  and     PeeWee,  but  I  think  they  should  be  named  T-­ boz,  Left-­Eye,  Chilli,  and  Fred  Durst.     Chicks  rule, Emmy  &  James   Got  something  to  say?  Say  to  our  face.   Send  hate/fan  mail  to  ¿VKUDSOLYH#JPDLOFRP

Engage your audience! $GYHUWLVHZLWK The Fish Rap Live! (PDLOĂ&#x20AC;VKUDSOLYH#JPDLOFRP


No, no, UCSC doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have a drug culture.

Cali Swag District Seeks Congressional Representation

3

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Wonder Womanâ&#x20AC;? Reboot a Celebration of Feminism, Titties by Michael Fantauzzo

by Sam Weber A  publicist  for  the  hiphop  group  Cali  Swag  District  recently  announced  that  the  group  requested  congressional  representation   from  the  US  Census  Bureau.  The  district  would  become  Californiaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  54th  congressional  district,  and  the  436th  overall.

NBC's  upcoming  Wonder  Woman  television  reboot  is   expected  to  be  a  female-­anchored  show  with  mainstream   appeal.  Critics  praise  its  use  of  of  cutting  feminist  social   commentary,   as   well   as   an   emphasis   on   its   star's   barely-­ encased  titties. â&#x20AC;&#x153;I'm  really  excited  to  be  a  role  model  for  young  girlsâ&#x20AC;?   says  big-­fake-­breasted  star  Adrienne  Palicki. NBC   president   Robert   Greenblatt   revealed   new   cos-­ tume   designs   that   emphasized   the   title   characters   iconic   image,  as  well  as  her  whopping  bazungas. â&#x20AC;&#x153;The   new   series   will   introduce   this   compelling   char-­ acter   to   a   whole   new   generation   of   television   watching   bosom-­crazed  jug-­hounds,â&#x20AC;?  he  announced  on  Tuesday. National  Organization  for  Women  spokesperson  Emma   Stein  praised  the  show's  creators: Âł:RQGHU:RPDQLVDVWURQJFRQÂżGHQWDQGSRZHUIXO female  icon.  We're  pleased  that  (star)  Adrienne  Palicki  was   chosen  to  play  the  part  as  she  shares  her  role's  determina-­ tion,  toughness,  and  large-­yet-­perky  baby-­feeding  bounc-­ ing  soft  jiggly  chest-­boobies.â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Nipples,â&#x20AC;?  she  added.

NEWS BRIEFS Pot-heads to Disassociate from Stoners

UCSC Offers New Housing Option: Homelessness

Weed Improves Studying, Reports Roommate

by Samer Hosn

by Michael Fantauzzo

by James Shea

Throughout  media   history,   the   term   â&#x20AC;&#x153;stonerâ&#x20AC;?   and   the   term   â&#x20AC;&#x153;pot-­headâ&#x20AC;?  have  been  used  interchangeably.   Now,  PHAT  (Pot-­Head  American  Team)  and  the  PHUK  Pot-­ Heads   of   United   Kingdom   groups   are   campaigning   for   aware-­ ness  to  disassociate  themselves  from  Stoners. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Stoners  are  people  who  sit  around,  eat  Doritos  with  peanut   butter,  play  WoW,  DoTA,  HoN,  Call  of  Duty,  Halo,  and  Roller   Coaster  Tycoon  2  (3  sucked  mad  dicks),  and  wake  up  at  2  p.m.   and  pat  themselves  on  their  back  for  waking  up  before  3,â&#x20AC;?  said   the   leader   of   PHUK,   Imogen   Dankstuf.   â&#x20AC;&#x153;Pot-­heads   are   hard   working,  progressive  people  who  are  all  over  the  work-­force  as   lawyers,  teachers,  hard  working  people,  probably  not  pilots,  and   your  fellow  tax-­payers.â&#x20AC;?   The  group  plans  to  distribute  informational  pamphlets  around   various  April  20  celebrations  to  explain  the  distinct  differences   between  the  two.   Some  things  listed  in  the  venn  diagram  as  differences  are  the   pot-­headâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s   disregard   for   tie-­dye,   not   showering,   video   games,   teddy  bear  hats,  having  to  smoke  at  every  party,  and  non-­Jamai-­ cans   wearing   Rasta   colors   with   no   knowledge   of   the   culture,   other  than  the  presence  of  Marijuana.   The   similarities   listed   on   the   pamphlet   include   the   enjoy-­ ment   of   Comedy   Central   Roasts,   Panda   Express,   Planet   Earth,   and  making  fun  of  people  who  stretch  while  on  a  run,  waiting  for   their  turn  to  cross  the  street.

With  the  recent  closure  of  University  Inn  and  increased  de-­ mand   for   on-­campus   housing,   many   incoming   and   continuing   students   have   been   left   without   affordable   college   housing.   In   response,   UCSC   representatives   have   unveiled   the   Houseless   Housing   Program,   a   â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;cheaper,   more   reliableâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;   option   for   lower-­ income  student. â&#x20AC;&#x153;At  only   500   dollars   a   month,  the  program  is   very  cheap,â&#x20AC;?   DFFRUGLQJ WKH WKH RIÂżFLDO SUHVV UHOHDVH Âł)XUWKHUPRUH VXGHQWV are  free  to  choose  from  a  variety  of  luxury  living  situations,  from   a  private  single-­person  tent  behind  9/10  to  a  spacious  triple  four-­ door  Honda.â&#x20AC;?  In  lieu  of  cash,  the  program  accepts  payment  in  the   form  of  missing  teeth  or  â&#x20AC;&#x153;back-­breaking,  never-­ending  labor.â&#x20AC;? The   program   provides   students   with   such   amenities   as   the   ULJKWWRDOOWKHSODVWLFEDJVWKH\FDQÂżQGDQGDZHHNO\VWLSHQGRI 10  empty  cans  to  spend  however  they  please.  As  an  added  bonus,   students  in  the  program  will  have  the  opportunity  to  explore  San-­ ta  Cruzâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  famous  bridge  undersides  and  serial  killer  dungeons. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  like  the  outdoors-­themed  halls  some  of  the  colleges  of-­ fer,â&#x20AC;?   explained   Homeless   Housing   Advisor   Periwinkle   Smith,   â&#x20AC;&#x153;only  without  the  hall  part.â&#x20AC;? Despite  the  clear  advantages  to  the  program,  there  are  some   downsides.   Students   will   be   barred   from   using   bathrooms   on   campus,   and   they   will   think   that   they   are   covered   in   invisible   spiders.  Still  many  students  seem  interested  in  the  program.  â&#x20AC;&#x153;It   beats  living  at  Crown,â&#x20AC;?  said  sophomore  Linda  Callahan. The  housing  program  will  be  available  to  Community  Stud-­ ies  Majors,  American  Studies  Majors,  and  Vietnam  War  veterans.

After  more   than   two   quarters   of   intensive   research,   con-­ clusive   evidence   has   been   found   that   smoking   weed   improves   concentration  skills,  long-­term  memory  retention,  and  academic   virtuosity,  your  roommate  announced  last  weekend. <RXUURRPPDWH VÂżQGLQJVZHUHUHYHDOHGDIWHUFRPLQJKRPH from  a  chill  sesh  in  the  meadow,  where  he  discovered  you  cram-­ ming  for  your  upcoming  Bio  midterm. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Dude,   you   should   try   smoking,â&#x20AC;?   your   roommate   reported   from  your  Porter  triple.  â&#x20AC;&#x153;I,  like,  always  study  way  better  when   I'm   blazed.â&#x20AC;?   Citing   evidence   that   weed   will   get   you   â&#x20AC;&#x153;mad   fo-­ cusedâ&#x20AC;?  and  â&#x20AC;&#x153;just  like,  really  help  you  understand  it  on  a  deeper   level,â&#x20AC;?  your  roommate  says  that  his  data  indicates  that  â&#x20AC;&#x153;studying   while  high  totally  works.â&#x20AC;? However,  some  researchers  have  stated  that  they  believe  your   roommate's  methodology  is  suspect. â&#x20AC;&#x153;His  sample  size  is  far  too  small  to  make  for  a  generalizable   data  set,â&#x20AC;?  Harvard  researcher  Harold  Buzzkill  stated  in  a  formal   critique,  â&#x20AC;&#x153;and  then  thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  the  complete  lack  of  a  control  group   that  makes  the  results  even  more  suspect.  In  my  honest  opinion,  I   donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  think  your  roommate  knows  what  heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  talking  about.â&#x20AC;? <RXUURRPPDWHÂśVÂżQGLQJVDOVRFRQWUDGLFWPRVWDYDLODEOHGDWD on   the   effects   of   marijuana,   which   include   slowed   responses,   memory  impairment,  and  â&#x20AC;&#x153;going  dumb.â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Man,  whatever,â&#x20AC;?  your  roommate  responded  in  a  formal  in-­ terview  at  the  College  8  Dining  Hall,  â&#x20AC;&#x153;Like,  that  stuff's  just  pro-­ paganda  ya'know?

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011


4

The dining halls have great food, very nutritious!

Radiation Panics Local Marijuana Growers

Santa Cruz Scientists Discover Link Between Not Bathing and Smelling Bad

In  the  wake  of  the  tragic  earthquake  in  Japan,  as  well   DVWKHGHYDVWDWLRQFDXVHGE\WKH3DFLÂżF7VXQDPLWKHLP-­ pact  is  being  felt  across  the  delicate,  intertwined  Earth.   The  northern  region  of  California  currently  produces   WKHPRVWSURÂżWDEOHFURSLQWKHZKROHVWDWHDQGORFDOJURZ-­ ers   are   having   concerns   related   to   the   potential   nuclear   devastation   that   was   avoided   by   the   bravery,   organiza-­ tion,  and  intelligence  of  the  Japanese  nuclear  industry.  Al-­ though  the  nuclear  outbreak  was  avoided,  growers  of  the   popular  crop  marijuana  are  in  a  continuous  panic,  claim-­ ing  that  the  â&#x20AC;&#x153;gov'mentsâ&#x20AC;?  are  not  releasing  all  information   to  the  citizens  in  fear  of  causing  a  panic.   Barbara  (Bar  for  short)  and  her  husband  Skeeter  (Skeet   for  short,  Skeet-­Skeet  for  mother-­fuckers)  have  a  grow  op-­ eration  in  the  northern  Mendocino  County. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  already  foil  wrapped  our  windows,  but  it  gives   the   wrong   message   to   the   DEA,â&#x20AC;?   Bar   said.   â&#x20AC;&#x153;Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re   not   tweakers.  We  are  just  trying  our  best  to  stop  the  radiation   from  entering  our  plants.â&#x20AC;? Although  the  interactions  between  radiation  and  mari-­ juana  have  not  been  researched,  especially  in  terms  of  hu-­ man   consumption,   there   are   actors   on   both   sides   of   the   spectrums  in  terms  of  fearing,  or  embracing  the  radiation.   Brian  Rian  Broman,  a  young  grower  new  to  the  indus-­ WU\LVQRWDVVNHSWLFDORIWKHUDGLDWLRQÂżQGLQJLWVZD\WRKLV marijuana  crops,  in  fact  he  is  hopeful  of  the  mutations  that   may  possibly  occur  to  the  plants.  He  embraces  the  mere   possibility  of  harvesting  a  new  generation  of  marijuana. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Dude,  itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  like  when  you  eat  a  pop  tart  itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  good,  like   itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s   not   great   but   itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s   good,â&#x20AC;?   Broman   said,   â&#x20AC;&#x153;but   put   that   mess  in  the  microwave  and  itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  basically  like  Oprahâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  put-­ ting  her  balls  on  your  tongue,  no  homo.  Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  so  much  better   after  the  microwave,  and  if  you  heat  your  quesadilla  in  the   microwave  before  you  put  it  in  the  pan,  the  cheese  gets  all   melted.  Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  like  Oprahâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  dickâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  on  my  tongue.â&#x20AC;? Broman   is   optimistic   that  the  radiation  may  increase   yield  and  plausibly  increase  the  THC  content  of  the  plant.   â&#x20AC;&#x153;Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  actually  moving  the  plants  outside,  mutant  weed   is  the  future  man,â&#x20AC;?  Broman  said  as  he  moved  the  heavy,   bushy   plants   outdoors   while   listening   to   his   favorite   group,  Bassnectar.  â&#x20AC;&#x153;I  donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  mind  if  these  bubbas  get  some   radiation,  theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  not  titties  dude.â&#x20AC;? Only  time  will  tell  if  those  consuming  the  marijuana   will  be  at  all  affected  by  the  radiation  in  their  plants.  Ra-­ diation   causes   unusual   hair   growth,   slurred   speech,   and   other   cerebral   issues,   so   observing   marijuana   users   will   not  be  an  accurate  way  to  measure  human  radiation  levels.   Cross  sectional  case  studies  will  be  needed.   Regardless  of  potential  consequences  of  the  radiation   LQÂżOWUDWLQJWKH&DOLIRUQLDFRDVWWKHLQWHUQDWLRQDOGHPDQG for  Northern  California  crops  is  still  at  a  record  high.    

After  17  years  of  study,  researchers  with  the  Earth  Sciences   Department  believe  they  are  closer  to  discovering  why  hipsters   smell  like  shit  all  the  time. â&#x20AC;&#x153;This  makes  us  rethink  everything  we've  ever  known  about   body   odor,â&#x20AC;?   head   researcher   Stephen   Morgan   said.   â&#x20AC;&#x153;As   it   turns   out,   bathing   at   least   once   ever   other   day   might   make   you   less   unbear-­ ably  smelly.â&#x20AC;? Scientists   were   stuck   on   the   question   for   many   years   until   research   assistant   Sheldon   Mills   PLVSODFHGRQHRIKLVODEVXEMHFWVRQO\WRÂżQGLWFUXVKHG beneath  a  vat  of  liquid  glycerin  soap. The   lab   subject,   hipster   Quentin   Crispy-­Vegantaco,   had  been  dead  for  an  estimated  3  weeks,  a  condition  scien-­ tists  refer  to  as  â&#x20AC;&#x153;liable  to  stink  up  the  place.â&#x20AC;?  Yet  due  to  what   appeared  to  be  claw-­marks  on  the  vat,  soap  had  leaked  onto  the   body  and  reversed  the  effects  of  Crispy-­Vegantaco's  body  odor. 0LOOVSUHVHQWHGKLVÂżQGLQJVWRWKHUHVHDUFKERDUGDQGSRVLWHG the  â&#x20AC;&#x153;Soap  Makes  You  Cleanâ&#x20AC;?  Theory  of  Hygenic  Maintanence.   He  hopes  one  day,  the  Santa  Cruz  community  will  come  to  accept  

by Samer Hosn

by Michael Fantauzzo

KLV WKHRU\ DV IDFW VSHFLÂżFDOO\ .UHVJH DQG LWV DGMRLQLQJ WUDLOHU park.  So  far,  he  has  had  some  success  by  convincing  subjects  to   reenact  the  â&#x20AC;&#x153;shower  sexâ&#x20AC;?  scene  from  500  Days  of  Summer. 7KLVÂżQGUHSUHVHQWV8&6DQWD&UX] V   ELJJHVWGLVFRYHU\VLQFH.HOO\$GD   discovered  in  her  freshman  core  class  that   capitalism  was  unfair.

UCSC Allegedly Destroys Roads to Curb Rise in Rich Douchebag Car Owners by Gregory Ronquillo Car  owners   have   a   big   problem   hanging   over   their   tinted   driver's  side  windows:  The  roads  of  UCSC  are  destroying  their   VRXSHGXS H[SHQVLYH ÂżEHUJODVV FDUV²DQG WKDW V H[DFWO\ ZKDW the   University   wants.   In   between   Winter   and   Spring   Quarter,   construction  crews  had  their  own  â&#x20AC;&#x153;alternative  spring  break,â&#x20AC;?  by   FRPSOHWHO\ZUHFNLQJVSHFLÂżFURDGVLQ8&6DQWD&UX]LQRUGHUWR curb  the  rise  in  â&#x20AC;&#x153;douche  bag  car  owners.â&#x20AC;?  The  broken  roads  have   already  claimed  the  lives  of  two  doped-­out  tuner  Mazdas,  a  '94   Nissan  300zx,  and  the  front  bumper  of  a  '96  Toyota  Corolla  that   a  Cowell  Student  swears  he  was  only  driving  â&#x20AC;&#x153;ironically.â&#x20AC;? Allegations  that  the  destruction  of  roads  in  the  tip  of  Meyer   Drive  near  Porter  were  solely  done  for  the  sake  of  angering  rich   students  with  cars  began  last  week  after  an  administration  memo   to  construction  workers  leaked  to  the  press. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Let  me  be  clear:  We're  not  saying  all  students  who  drive  to   campus  are  rich  spoiled  assholes  with  nice  cars  and  deserve  to   get  their  autos  beat  to  shit  by  bad  roads,  we're  only  saying  that   most  of  them  are,  and  it's  pretty  nice  to  see  them  suffer  a  little   bit,â&#x20AC;?  Senior  Press  Coordinator  Shaheed  Olajuwon  said  in  a  press   conference.   The  memo  in  question,  however,  portrays  the  situation  in  a   much  different  way.  â&#x20AC;&#x153;Dear  Construction  Crew,â&#x20AC;?  the  memo  reads.   â&#x20AC;&#x153;Please  make  a  bunch  of  potholes  in  the  pavement  so  it  can  ruin  

the  cars  of  those  rich  asshole  students.  Big  potholes,  like  the  size   of   yoga   balls.   Don't   leak   this   memo   to   the   press,   though.   Gra-­ cias.â&#x20AC;?  When  the  memo  was  quoted  in  the  press  conference,  Ola-­ MXZRQDIÂżUPHGLWZDVÂłWDNHQRXWRIFRQWH[W´ The  damning  accusation  has  caused  an  uproar  amongst  the   â&#x20AC;&#x153;snotty   rich   kids   with   nice   cars   communityâ&#x20AC;?   on   campus.  After   the  press  conference,  we  asked  one  student  who  had  gotten  the   back  wheels  on  his  Acura  RSX  bent  after  going  over  a  pot  hole   what  he  thought  about  the  allegations  against  the  administration.   â&#x20AC;&#x153;Well,  as  I  told  my  friend  Tyler  over  the  phone  when  he  was  rid-­ ing  with  his  girlfriend  Rachel  on  their  way  to  our  friend  Nikki's   house,  the  roads  here  are  janky  now  and  they  fucked  up  my  car.   Text  it!â&#x20AC;? Others  remain  skeptical  of  the  memo  and  the  car  owners'  con-­ VSLUDF\FODLPV*HUDUG'H%HUOXVFRQLZDLWLQJRXWVLGHRI.UHVJH College  for  a  shuttle  bus,  had  little  sympathy  for  the  car  owners.   â&#x20AC;&#x153;I  don't  like  the  way  rich  fuck  car  owners  look  at  me  when  they   pass  the  bus  stop.  Yeah,  I'm  taking  public  transportation,  what  of   it?  The  bus  is  free,  and  you  live  on  High  Street.  Why  would  you   need  a  car?â&#x20AC;? The   situation   shows   the   changing   face   of   UC   Santa   Cruz,   with  richer,  more  politically  centrist  students  becoming  the  main-­ stream.  â&#x20AC;&#x153;Having  a  nice  car?  That  isn't  very  â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Santa  Cruzâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;  of  you,â&#x20AC;?   says  Gerard.  â&#x20AC;&#x153;Ride  a  carbon  recycled  bike  or  some  such  bullshit.â&#x20AC;?

by Solomon Wong

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011


The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011


6

It only takes about ten minutes to get to any of your classes.

Why the Fuck Are You Still Talking?: So, what are you doing for housing next year?

Dear Every Bitch who sits next to me in Media Theater, Have  you  not  heard  of  personal  space?  I  realize  that  we   DUHFRQÂżQHGWROLWWOHFRUUDOVRILQWHOOHFWXDOVROLWXGHEXW\RXÂśUH practically  groping  me.  Is  it  really  necessary  for  you  to  put  your   sweatshirt  back  on,  then  off  and  then  on  again  in  the  course   of  70  minutes?  Your  arms  extend  so  close  to  my  face  that  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m   tempted  to  bite  them  each  time.  In  fact,  if  you  do  it  again,   expect  me  to  go  Twilight  on  that  shit.  On  that  note,  Bitch,  keep   your  legs  uncrossed  so  your  goddamn  feet  arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  dangling  in   front  of  where  MY  legs  are  supposed  to  go.  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  going  to  lean   forward  and  sneeze  on  your  bare  feet  if  you  donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  fucking  move   them.  Also,  let  me  explain  a  little  something  to  you;Íž  your  desk   is  on  your  right  side,  my  desk  is  on  my  right  side,  therefore,   YOU  DONâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;T  GET  BOTH  FUCKING  ARM  RESTS.  Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  truly   shocking  that  you  were  admitted  to  higher  education  when  you   canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  even  stay  in  your  fucking  animal  corral.

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  going  to  get  a  cheap  house  with  like  six  of  my   friends.  Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  still  looking,  but  it  shouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  be  too  hard.â&#x20AC;? -RVV%URG\ 6RFLRORJ\0DMRU

With Love, Me Dear Guy Using a Suitcase Instead of a Backpack,

â&#x20AC;&#x153;On-­campus.  Again.â&#x20AC;? 6KDXQ-DPHVRQ )LIWK<HDU6HQLRU$IUDLGRI&RPPLWPHQW

Can  you  stop  for  a  moment,  take  off  your  fedora  and  your   LOOÂżWWHGEODFNEOD]HUDQGORRNDW\RXUVHOILQWKHPLUURU":KDW exactly  are  you  trying  to  accomplish  with  your  suitcase?  Not   a  single  person  in  the  world  would  look  at  you  holding  that   Zero  Halliburton  and  ever  think  it  contains  anything  other  than   a  spiral  notebook  full  of  coarse  drawings  of  the  two  women  in   your  computer  class  as  Catwoman.  You  might  have  a  salami   sandwich  in  there,  maybe  even  a  felt  pen  for  note  taking  (and   Catwoman  drawings).   Do  you  know  why  business  men  and  mobsters  carry  brief-­ cases?  Because  Al  Capone  looks  like  a  fucking  goober  with   a  JanSport  backpack  on.  Do  you  know  why  college  students   wear  backpacks?  Because  they  look  like  try-­hard  fools  holding   EULHIFDVHVÂżOOHGZLWKQRWKLQJEXWDIDOVHVHQVHRIVXSHULRULW\, bet  you  have  a  deck  of  Yu-­Gi-­Oh  cards  where  your  tommy  gun   should  be,  in  case  you  need  to  bust  out  your  Red  Eyes  Black   'UDJRQZKHQVRPHUXIÂżDQLQIURQWRI&RPLFRSROLVFDOOV\RX out. I'm  not  asking  you  to  stop  being  a  geek,  to  quit  stalking   those  two  girls  in  your  computer  class  or  even  to  move  off  cam-­ pus  for  your  fourth  year.  I'm  just  saying  you  can't  be  half  ways   with  your  dress;Íž  either  suit  up  or  slack  down.  If  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  wearing   a  North  Face  hoodie,  take  off  that  fucking  top  hat.  If  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re   gonna  wear  a  suit  every  day,  stop  wearing  New  Balances.  You   can't  mix  and  match  like  you're  peacocking  at  some  shitty  club   for  easily  impressed  nerd  women.  You're  not  fooling  anyone.

With Love, Embarrassed at the State of Modern Nerds â&#x20AC;&#x153;Pogonip.â&#x20AC;? $QQH+RRYHUYLOOH 7UDQVIHU6WXGHQW

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Gold-­plating  it.â&#x20AC;? Mark  Yudof 5HFHLYHVÂżQDQFLDODLG

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011

Dear Techno, Honestly  what  the  fuck.  First  you  let  Ke$ha  do  you  in  the   ass,  then  the  Black  Eyed  Peas,  Britney  Spears,  Enrique,  but  I   draw  the  line  at  Dr.  Dre.  Remember  the  good  old  days  when   you  solely  tried  to  impress  Europeans  and  the  gays?  Were  those   examples  redundant?  I  donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  care.  Let  me  explain  the  difference   between  you  and  I.  Techno  is  a  mash-­up  of  songs  made  by  other   SHRSOHULSSHGE\'MVZKRVHIDQEDVHLVÂżOOHGZLWKNLGVKRSSHG up  on  drugs,  wearing  clothes  that  even  Joseph  didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  appreci-­ ate  the  technicolorfulness  of.  Electro  is  usually  performed  live   by  people  playing  electronic  instruments,  utilizing  sounds  and   various  timbres  to  create  something  from  scratch.  So  how  about   you  jump  off  a  bridge  listening  to  your  house  Tiesto  and  Benny   and  let  me  be  heard  through  the  amazingness  that  is  artists  such   as  Peaches,  Fat  Boy  Slim,  and  Daft  Punk.  But  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll  admit,  when   I  use  vapor  rub  I  still  remember  EDC  2009  with  that  gold  con-­ fetti.  That  bass  drop,  are  you  kidding  me.  I  felt  that  in  my  hairs.

With Love, Electro

Dear UCSC Activists (again) Goddamnit.  I  told  you  guys  to  get  your  shit  together!  Writ-­ LQJ)UHH(GXFDWLRQZLWKQDNHGERGLHVLQWKHHDVWHUQÂżHOG" You  might  as  well  have  used  human  feces  to  write  â&#x20AC;&#x153;Meaning-­ less  Gestureâ&#x20AC;?  on  a  parking  lot  structure  wall.  There's  something   LQFUHGLEO\LURQLFDQGÂżWWLQJDERXWDWLQ\FURZGRIDFWLYLVWV walking  in  circles  while  police  increase  surveillance  and  ap-­ proach  with  womping  sticks.  Instead  of  walking  in  a  circle,   have  you  tried  walking  towards  something?  Protest  circles  seem   to  be  the  California  leftist  version  of  Nascar  races.  It's  also   LQFUHGLEO\ÂżWWLQJNQRZLQJKRZDFWLYLVWPRYHPHQWVXVXDOO\WXUQ out.  Here  is  life's  version  of  a  circle  chant:   Start  protest,  argue  for  big  things. I  think  education  should  be  like,  free  ya  know?  There   should  be  free  vegan  corn  dogs,  too. Stay  in  the  periphery  because  of  dividing  rhetoric  and   bullshit  â&#x20AC;&#x153;gut  checks.â&#x20AC;? Some  poser  said  he  wasn't  down  with  stripping  naked  and   O\LQJDLPOHVVO\LQDÂżHOGWRVKRZVROLGDULW\ZLWKWKHEXGJHW cuts.  What  an  apathetic  tool! Protest  movement  inevitably  dies. Turns  out  getting  a  two-­paragraph  article  in  the  City  on  a   Hill  Press  isn't  enough  of  a  victory  to  sustain  momentum. Adam  Smith  laughs  in  your  face.   The  invisible  hand  of  the  free  market  fucks  us  all. Start  back  at  step  one  with  a  new  set  of  dirty  faced,  open   eyed  dreamers. It's  really  fucking  frustrating  to  realize  that  a  student   protest  movement  with  so  much  promise  is  stuck  in  the  1960s.   I  don't  trust  the  guy  with  curly  long  hair  that  says  music  peaked   in  1968,  I  don't  see  why  I  should  believe  a  bunch  of  trust  fund   hippie  beardos  saying  that  the  activist  techniques  of  the  past  are   VWLOOUHOHYDQWWRGD\6RPHDVVKROHRQFHVDLGÂł7KHGHÂżQLWLRQRI insanity  is  doing  the  same  thing  but  expecting  different  results.â&#x20AC;?   Then  again,  this  is  the  second  time  writing  this  so  maybe  I'm   just  as  fucked.

With Love, Only in it for the Jokes Dear Biology Department, Ever  since   I   was   little,   I   dreamed   of   training   the   dolphins   at  SeaWorld.  I  always  thought  that  someday,  the  dolphins  and  I   would  have  a  special  bond,  so  I  chose  the  marine  biology  major   to  get  close  to  these  magical  creatures. ,DP¿QLVKLQJP\VHFRQG\HDURIWKHPDMRUDQGVRIDULWKDV nothing  to  do  with  dolphins.  In  fact,  I  think  there  is  only  ONE   class  that  focuses  on  marine  mammals  at  all.  As  for  the  rest  of   these  requirements,  I  don't  even  know  what  they  have  to  do  with   ¿VKRUVHDRWWHUVRUVKDUNVRUDQLPDOVWKDWOLYHLQWKHRFHDQ:K\ do   we   have   to   study   chemistry?   Dolphins   don't   care   about   pH   levels  or  how  many  atoms  are  in  a  molecule  or  dumb  shit  like   that.  I've  also  had  to  take  a  bunch  of  stupid  classes  about  math   and  statistics  and  physics,  which,  again,  have  nothing  to  do  with   dolphins. Needless  to  say,  I  have  been  very  disappointed  in  the  marine   biology  major.  I  looked  at  the  upper  division  classes  I  could  take,   and  they're  all  about  stuff  that  looks  really  boring.  My  roommate,   who  is  also  a  marine  bio  major,  is  helping  me  start  a  petition  to   include  more  classes  about  subjects  that  we  actually  care  about,   such  as  different  types  of  whales  and  dolphins,  and  less  classes   about  subjects  that  suck,  such  as  genetics  and  calculus.  You  will   be   hearing   from   us   as   soon   as   we   get   more   signatures   on   our   petition.

With Love, Every Female in Marine Biology Dear Gay Republicans, Can't  you  just  binge  eat  like  normal  people?

With Love, Sane Gays


All of the colleges offer you the same opportunities.

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Overheard in  Santa  Cruz

7

Whatever happened to discreet conversation? We’ve got our ears on you. And you’ve got your mind in loud, perverted, irreverent, insightful, idiotic, and generally inappropriate gutters. Welcome to “Overheard in Santa Cruz.” “Fish Rap Live? Is that a cooking show?” Phone call 3/1/11 “I don’t even know what a leap year is anymore.” Girl sunbathing on the knoll 2/28/11 “It’s okay, I’m purging tonight.” Skinny girl at Burger 2/24/11 “So, is a banana slug an animal, or an insect?” Guy at Cowell/Stevenson pasta bar 3/12/11 “When Nate Dogg died I was very confused because I also have a friend named Nate Dogg.” Guy in Watsonville 4/12/11 “I’d make a really good gay, cause I LOVE pooping.” Guy at chill sesh/movie marathon 4/01/11 “Yeah, I come from a pretty rough neighborhood. Like, for example, instead of ‘dentist,’ all the signs say ‘dentista.’” Probably racist girl at Stevenson dining hall 3/12/11 “You know, Oakes has a lot of fat people for how far down on campus it is.” Taco Bell cashier to trainee 2/23/11 “You are 18. You cannot wear that. You do not own a yacht.” College 8 Dorms 03/25/11 “Dude, cats are soooo DGAF.”

Girl on bus 03/11/11

“I was just really curious, so I attacked him with my face.” OPERS pool 2/26/11 “We were playing Pictionary in my Community Studies class. I had to draw ‘polyamorous’.” Cowell/Stevenson Dining Hall 4/11/11 “Excuse me sir, do you have a minute to help starving children?” “Fuck no.” Pacific Avenue 03/19/11 “Did the man expose himself? “I don’t know officer, his pants were down but I wasn’t close enough.” Soquel & Pacific 03/07/11 “I wish I could make a flame come out of my penis.” Guy trying to light a bong 04/17/11 “Work Terri Schiavo, narc, and CSO into one sentence.” Fish Rap Live production 04/18/11 Hear something stupid? email fishraplive@gmail.com

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011


Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d be surprised at how spacious the triples are.

8 Classical Studies

O  What  Fate  ! Hath  the  gods  proclaimed  not Thursday,  the  day  of     unquenchable  thirst? This  ambrosia,  the  drink  of   the  gods? Like  Thor? But  pour  Thee  a  cup;Íž   Hear  the  chimes  at  the   door  ! Oh  fuck  thy  copsâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;

Ambrosia

Legal Studies

Business Management Grey Goose Vodka Hell  yeah,  the  fancy  drank.  This  is  the  stuff  Steve  Aoki  pours  on  pre-­ teens  at  shows.  Everyone  at  this  party  is  now  my  best  friend.  Theta-­Chi!

Manhattan Cocktail There  is  obviously  a  need  to   start  being  pretentious  while   still  attending  UCSC.  Manhat-­ tan  Cocktails  will  make  you   look  really  cosmopolitan  you  tell   people  about  how  you   know  the  owner   of  Caffe  Perg.

Feminist Studies

Economics The Coors Light Dilemma A  30  rack  on  sale   costs  less  than  the   18  rack,  but  it's   just  you  and  your   friend  Jason  and   you  both  know   if  you  buy  the  30   rack  you'll  get   blitzed  and  feel   like  shit  tomorrow.   But  it's  almost   twice  as  much   beer,  having  to  call   in  sick  to  work  is  worth  it.   The  opportunity  cost  of  a  shift  of   work  missed:  $24.  Cost  of  extra  beer,   taking  changing  demand  cost  due  to  rational   consumer  pricing  into  consideration:  fuck   this,  I'm  already  drunk.

Philosophy Three Ordered Shots of Reality The  Imaginary  shot,  containing  Whiskey   and  Ego.  The  Symbolic  shot  contains   Burbon,  "Law"  and  "Structure."  The  Real   Shot  is  the  absolute  ontological  truth   itself,  and  Absolut  Vodka.

American Studies

Vodka of the Gods, Mouthwash, Prison Hooch, Budd Light, TequilaŠ brand Tequila, Colt 45, (whatever else people drink when they get broken up with) Getting  broken  up  with  might  lead   you  into  a  drunken  depression.  Having   your  entire  major  defunded  calls  for   100  years  of  wasted  late  night  calls  to   The Breakfast of Champions campus  administration.  Why,  baby?   (Brandy+Milk+Wheaties) Was  it  not  good  for  you?  I  still  think   6LWE\WKH¿UHSODFHLQ about  you  at  night... your  smoking  coat  with   a  snifter  of  brandy.   Don't  swirl  too  much,   Crude Oil Keg Stand you  don't  wanna  get   your  book  wet.  Kurt   0111010001101000011010010111001100100000 Vonnegut  would  be  proud,   011010010111001100100000011000010010000 General  Mills  would  be   0011100100110010101100001011011000110110 prouder.  UPN  would  be  proudest. 001111001001000000110010001110101011 01101011000100010000 0011010100110111101 10101101100101

Literature

Robotics Engineering

Health Science (Pre-Med) BeerŠ Brand Beer You  will  have  a   quarter  of  a  million   dollars  of  debt   by  the  time  you   get  your  M.D.   license,  better  start   saving  up  now  by   buying  the  cheapest   shit  on  the  market.  

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011

NOT Budweiser, The King of B Take  your  imperialist,  patriarcha SLVVĂ&#x20AC;DYRUHGÂł*UHDW$PHULFDQ Lagerâ&#x20AC;?  and  shove  it.  I  donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  dri beer  from  companies  that  objec women,  or  give  money  to  Pro-­Pro lobbyists,  or  outsource  their  brew factories  to  countries  with  relaxe labor  laws.  But  when  I  do,  I  drin Dos  Equis.

Community Studies Vanilla Chai With Two Shots Whiskey ,W VJRRG\RXUGULQNKDVFDI¿HQHLQLW \RXU¿HOGVWXGLHVWKHVLVLVGXHWRPRU-­ row  morning  and  you've  only  writ-­ ten  two  pages  out  of  a  necessary   WZHQW\¿YH,W VKLJKFODVVRUJDQLF chai,  too.  This  is  the  stuff   Devendra  Banhart  sprays   on  pre-­teens  at  shows.   Funding  grants,  please.


I loved my freshman year!

9

Physics Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer Pong In  the  vertical  direction  we  have  a  constant   downward  acceleration  due  to  gravity  expressed   in  the  following  equation: Çť\ YVLQČ&#x2122;WÂąJW Enjoy  being  boss  at  beer  pong  with  your  Phsyics   degree,  it's  the  only  time  you'll  use  this  shit  in   the   UHDOZRUOGRXWVLGHRIÂżJXULQJ out  the  perfect  force  ratio  to   Ă&#x20AC;LSD%LJ0DF patty.  

Computer Science Mountain Dew and Funyans Âł+H\*DU\FKHFNWKLVRXW, put  Funyons  on  the  edge  of   my  Dew  cup  like  shrimp  on   the  edge  of  a  cocktail.  You   know,  so  I  can  snack  â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;nâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;  attack,   grip  â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;nâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;  sip.  Do  you  think  they   have  an  Xbox  here?â&#x20AC;?

udies

King of Beers patriarchal  $PHULFDQ I  donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  drink    that  objectify   to  Pro-­Prop  8   their  brewing   with  relaxed    do,  I  drink  

Art History (HAVC)

Art Shot of Turpentine Straight,  no  chaser.  You've   EHHQKXIÂżQJSDLQWRQDQG off  for  a  couple  of  months,   so  it's  probably  a  good   idea  to  drink  some  tur-­ pentine  to  clean  out  your   stomach  from  all  those   toxins.  That  sounds  pretty   smart,  right?  Oh  cool,   WKHUH VDSLOORQWKHĂ&#x20AC;RRU

Your  major  has  such  stringent  and  nuanced  approaches  to   DFDGHPLDWKDWZHFRXOGQÂśWUHGXFH\RXUÂżHOGRIVWXG\WR a   dumb-­one   liner   joke   for   our   intoxicated,  blunted   readership.  Give  us  a  couple  of  months,  weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll   do  our  research  and  sharpen  our  barbs.  Well,   HLWKHUZHFRXOGQÂśWÂżJXUHRXWDMRNHIRU Âł,QIRUPDWLRQ6\VWHPV0DQDJHPHQW´ ZKDW-­ ever  the  fuck  that  is)  or  your  major  sucks  and   wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  invited  to  the  party...  

Oh.  Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  the  ladder.

Absinthe The  drink  of  choice  for  Picasso,  Van   Gogh,  Monetâ&#x20AC;Ś  you've  written  essays   on  all  of  them,  good  job!  But  let's  be   honest  here,  you  just  want  to  see  hal-­ lucinations  when  you  drink.  Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  eat  the   wormâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll  probably  kill  you.  Also,   donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  drink  Absintheâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll  probably   kill  you.

Anthropology Whatever you drank when you failed out of being a bio major.

Independent Major Bong Water + Faygo + Rubbing Alcohol

Chemistry Jungle Juice (Faderade) It's  a  molecular-­compound   of  everything  that  shouldn't   be  mixed  in  a  cup  (but  hey,   our  chemistry  program  isn't   very  good.)

History Zinn & Juice Laid  back,  with  your  mind  on  atrocities  and   atrocities  on  your  mind.  You  read  to  remember,   but  drink  to  forget.  When  you  read  about  the   Native  American  Genocide,  slavery,  Japa-­ nese  internment,  Chinese   Exclusion,  or  Reaganom-­ ics,  a  couple  of  stiff   glasses  is  absolutely   necessary.  Plus,  the   History  Channel  is  re-­ running  Pawn  Stars   and  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  not  that   much  of  a  twat,  are   you?  Stop  thinkinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;   and  get  drinkinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;.

If Your Major Is Not Listed: Congratulations!

Well  it  sounded  like  a   good  idea  when  you   invented  this  concoction   three  years  ago,  not   knowing  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d  have   to  drink  it  every  day   of  your  life  thereafter,   while  simultaneously   spending  most  of  your   time  explaining  why   you  chose  to  drink  it   LQWKHÂżUVWSODFH

Biology Mud in a Tea Cup With Worms In It Or Some Such Bullshit â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Cause  fuck  you,  thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  why.  You  should   wash  it  down  by  eating  all  that  money   that  isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  cut  from  your  departmental   budget.  Can  you  tell  an  angry  humanities   major  wrote  this?  

Film & Digital Media White Russian â&#x20AC;&#x153;Haha,  like  in  the  movie  The   Big  Lebowski!  It's  like,  my   favorite  movie.  You  haven't   seen  it?  Haha  well  you   VKRXOG1HWĂ&#x20AC;L[LW<HDKLW V pretty  funny.  It's  about  a   guy  that  gets  mis-­ taken  for  someone   else,  haha  and   Steve  Buschemi  is   in  it,  yeahâ&#x20AC;Ś  Anyway,   wanna  go  out  some  time?â&#x20AC;?

Music Moog Absynthe UNTZ  UNTZ  UNTZ  UNTZ   NEAW  NEAW  NEAW  NEAW   UNTZ  UNTZ  UNTZ  UNTZ   NEAW  NEAW  NEAW  NEAW   UNTZ  UNTZ  UNTZ  UNTZ   WEWO  WEWO  WEWO  WEWO   UNTZ  UNTZ  UNTZ  UNTZ  WEWO   WEWO  WEWO  WEWO  UNTZ  UNTZ  

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011


Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s easy to get downtown on the weekends.

10

American Studies Q&A: Chancellor Blumenthal New Major: â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Robot Studiesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Transand EVC Galloway by Lindy Edwards

by James Farmer and James Shea 7KHUHœVDORWRIEHQH¿WVWREHLQJDVWXGHQWMRXUQDOLVW<RXFDQFRYHUDQ\HYHQW<RXFDQDVN DQ\TXHVWLRQ<RXFDQJHWDEVROXWHO\VKLWIDFHGRQ.DKXODIRU¾UHVHDUFKSXUSRVHVœ<RXDOVRJHW WRKREQREZLWKWKHULFKDQGIDPRXVLQWKHDFDGHPLFDGPLQLVWUDWLYHZRUOG:HUHFHQWO\VDWGRZQ ZLWK%OXPLH WKH*DQJIRUDVSHFLDOLQWHUYLHZDERXWWKUHHRIRXUIDYRULWHWKLQJV FRL!:  2NVR¿UVWRII, PDFWXDOO\VXSSRVHGWREHLQP\)LOP.FODVVULJKWQRZ/LNHKHWDNHV DWWHQGDQFH6R,ZDVZRQGHULQJLI\RXFRXOGVLJQWKLVSHUPLVVLRQVOLSVD\LQJWKDWLW VRNIRUPHWR PLVVWRGD\ VFODVV",WVD\V,FDPHGRZQZLWKDEDGFDVHRI-RXUQDOLVPVVRLW VOHJLW George  Blumenthal::HOO, GEHZLOOLQJWRVLJQLWLILWZDVVOLJKWO\UHZRUGHG,WKLQN, PYHU\ FDUHIXODERXWZKDW,SXWP\VLJQDWXUHRQIRUUHDVRQV,WKLQN\RX GXQGHUVWDQG FRL!:  <HDKRNWKDW VIDLU Blumenthal:  <RXNQRZZKDW\RXFDQMXVWKDYHKLPFDOOPHLI\RXZDQW FRL!:  $V\RXNQRZWKHUH VJRLQJWREHDJDWKHULQJLQ3RUWHU0HDGRZWKLV:HGQHVGD\WR FHOHEUDWHIUHHGRPDQGOXQJFDSDFLW\6RZH¿JXUHGWKHVWXGHQWVZRXOGEHLQWHUHVWHGLQNQRZLQJ ZKDWGUXJV\RXGLGLQFROOHJH"2UDIWHUFROOHJHZH UHQRWJRLQJWRMXGJH Blumenthal:  Haha,  well  I  will  say  I  did  not  do  any  drugs  after  college.  And  in  college,  ah,  I... Allison  Galloway:  <RXGLGQ WLQKDOH" Blumenthal:  ,QFROOHJH,ZLOOVD\WKDW,QHYHUGLGDQ\GUXJVWKDWZHUHQ WPDULMXDQD Director  of  Public  Affairs,  Jim  Burns:  <RXVHHLI,ZDVGRLQJP\MRE,ZRXOG YHVDLG QH[W TXHVWLRQ

FRL!:  8&6&UHFHQWO\DGGHGDQHZPDMRULQURERWLFHQJLQHHULQJ1RZ, PDQHQJLQHHULQJ VWXGHQWVR, PWRWDOO\VWRNHGRQWKLVEHFDXVHOLNHWKDW VDZHVRPH6RZHZDQWHGWRNQRZZKDW V your  favorite  robot,  and  what  kind  of  robots  would  you  like  to  see  the  campus  produce? Blumenthal:  :HOO, GKDYHWRVD\P\IDYRULWHURERWLV5'RIFRXUVH$QGWKDW VYHU\ personal  to  me,  because  we  actually  have  a  salt  &  pepper  shaker  of  him  at  home,  and  I   really  like  it. FRL!:  $ZZZWKDW VFXWH Blumenthal:  As  for  the  robotic  engineering  program,  I  feel  there  is  a  great  future  there.  I   WKLQNZH UHJRLQJWRVHHURERWLFVDVVRFLDWHGZLWKPHGLFDODQGKHDOWKQRWMXVWGHYLFHVPDNLQJ life  easier  for  people  with  disabilities,  such  as  robotic  limbs,  but  also  for  ordinary  citizens.  I   WKLQNWKHUH VDPD]LQJSRWHQWLDOWKHUHMXVWPLQGEORZLQJ FRL!:  Awesome.  Thank  you  for  your  time  Blumie!

forms

On  April  12,  UCSC  announced  that  it  would  be  launching  the  Robotics  Engineering  Ma-­ MRUDQHZSURJUDPWKDWZRXOGFRPELQHHOHFWULFDOFRPSXWHUDQGPHFKDQLFDOHQJLQHHULQJ 7KLV PDMRU LV H[SHFWHG WR EH D KXJH GUDZ IRU WKH VFKRRO GUDZLQJ PRUH DWWHQWLRQ WR 8& 6DQWD&UX]ÂśVUHVHDUFKDQGGHYHORSPHQWLQWKHVFLHQWLÂżFÂżHOGV$FFRUGLQJWR$PHULFDQ6WXG-­ ies  department  head  Arthur  Dent,  â&#x20AC;&#x153;These  changes  represent  the  shifting  values  at  this  school,   DZD\IURPWKHÂľOHVVSURÂżWDEOHÂśKXPDQLWLHVDQGVRFLDOVFLHQFHVDQGLQWRÂżHOGVWKDWDUHPRUH self-­funding,â&#x20AC;?  she  explains,  â&#x20AC;&#x153;And  we  decided  that  is  some  straight  bullshit,  so  we  thought,   hey,  we  can  play  ball  too.â&#x20AC;? ,QOLJKWRIWKHQHZPDMRUWKH$PHULFDQ6WXGLHVGHSDUWPHQWZLOOQRZEHFDOOLQJLWVHOIWKH Robot  Studies  department  in  an  effort  to  receive  more  funding  from  the  school.  The  depart-­ ment  says  that  by  modernizing  the  curriculum  and  revamping  the  program,  it  is  more  likely   to  receive  â&#x20AC;&#x153;some  of  the  sweet,  life-­giving  cash-­money.â&#x20AC;? 'HQWWHOOVXVWKDWKH VH[FLWHGDERXWWKHFKDQJHVÂł7KHQHZSURJUDPLVJRLQJWRIRFXVRQ KRZURERWVKDYHDQGZLOODIIHFWFXOWXUHDQGZH OOEHDEOHWRNHHSDORWRIWKHDVSHFWVRIWKH American  Studies  Department,  but,  like,  with  electronics  and  shit.â&#x20AC;?   New   classes   currently   being   offered   will   include   ROST   10:   Intro   To  American   Robot   Studies,  ROST  112:  Chicanos  and  Cyborgs,  and  ROST  113:  Citizens,  Denizens,  and  Aliens   in  Space  Colonies.  Dent  continues  to  explain  that  â&#x20AC;&#x153;the  purpose  of  Robot  Studies  is  to  educate   people   on   the   implications   of   a   more   robotic   society.   Think   about   how   the   literary   world   would  be  different  if  Mark  Twain  were  actually  a  robot,  or  if  in  the  future  your  local  Star-­ bucks  is  run  by  the  Cylons.  Will  they  know  exactly  how  to  make  your  grande  half-­caff  triple   shot  caramel  soy  latte  with  extra  whip  cream,  or  will  services  be  compromised  because  of  the   lack  of  humanity?â&#x20AC;? Some  students  are  concerned  about  the  new  direction,  however.  â&#x20AC;&#x153;Last  week  my  professor   told  me  to  go  do  an  ethnography  of  people  in  the  computer  lab,â&#x20AC;?  states  recent  Robot  Studies   PDMRU.LPEHUO\&DUGLDQÂł7KHRQO\FRQFOXVLRQ,FDPHWRZDVWKDWSHRSOHLQWKHFRPSXWHUODE DUHMXVWRQ5HGGLWDOOWKHWLPH´ 'HQWDVVXUHVVWXGHQWVFXUUHQWO\HQUROOHGLQWKH$PHULFDQ6WXGLHVPDMRUWKDWWKHLUVWXGLHV will  not  be  greatly  compromised  however,  â&#x20AC;&#x153;Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  still  going  to  be  dedicated  to  examining   WKHPRGHUQDQGKLVWRULF$PHULFDQFRQGLWLRQZLWKDPXOWLGLVFLSOLQDU\DSSURDFK,WÂśVMXVW\RX know,  weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  also  gonna  talk  about  how  fucking  baller  7HUPLQDWRU  is.â&#x20AC;? 6WXGHQWVFDQEHJLQHQUROOLQJLQWKHQHZPDMRUEHJLQQLQJ)DOOÂł, PUHDOO\KRSHIXO about  all  the  people  who  are  interested  in  this  area  of  study,â&#x20AC;?  says  Dent.  â&#x20AC;&#x153;Besides,  do  you   UHDOO\QHHG$PHULFDQ6WXGLHVWRVWXG\$PHULFD"<RXFDQJRWR0F'RQDOG VDQGHVVHQWLDOO\ come  to  the  same  conclusions.â&#x20AC;?

into

23 Interesting Classes to Take This Quarter at UCSC FMST  194M-­01  Empire  &  Sexuality:   Darth  Vader  as  a  sex  symbol,  also  as  a  symbol   of  the  patriarchyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  heteronormative  domination   of  the  galaxy. AMS  80A-­01  Gambling  and  Gaming:   Step  right  up  and  try  your  luck,  everybody  is  a   winner  in  this  class.

LTMO  155J-­01  Soviet  Everyday  Life:   You  would  not  believe  how  long  the  waiting   list  is. AMST  123T  Inventing  Savage: In-­depth  comparative  study  of  Adam  Savage,   Dan  Savage,  Rick  Savage  of  Def  Leppard,  and   â&#x20AC;&#x153;Savage,â&#x20AC;?  the  Eurythmics  album.

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ANTH  80H-­01  Acoustic  Culture:   Learn  how  to  cover  Neutral  Milk  Hotel  and   that  â&#x20AC;&#x153;Fridayâ&#x20AC;?  song  in  the  middle  of  the  night,   waking  up  everybody  in  the  immediate  area,   asshole. HIS  196G-­01  Modern  Germany  &  Europe:   Der  deutsche  Staat  die  glorreiche  Vergangen-­ heit  und  Gegenwart  in  Europa,  wie  gesagt,   durch  die  Musik  von  Kraftwerk. CHEM  151L-­01  Inorganic  Lab:   Take  that,  you  free-­range  Kresge  hippies. ANTH  225-­01  Anthropology  of  Things:  Ex-­ aminations  of  approaches  used  by  anthropolo-­ gists  about  taking  serious  stuff  seriously. LTEL  155D-­01  South  African  Lit:   See  how  many  ways  can  you  interpret  â&#x20AC;&#x153;The   Power  of  One.â&#x20AC;? MUSC  80V-­01  The  Beatles  Music:   Just  in  case  Muppet  Magic  wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  enough  of  a   bullshit  class  for  you. THEA  80N-­01  Walt  Disney:   The  perfect  class  to  go  with  your  already   packed  quarter  of  Beatles  Music  and  Muppet   Magic. COWL  70B-­01  Elements  of  Printing:   /HDUQKRZWRÂż[SDSHUMDPVDQGFKDQJHLQN tanks  in  your  shitty  ass  printer  thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  always   fucking  broken. LTCR  10-­04  Intro  to  Creative  Writing: Nobody  fucking  cares  about  your  Spock/Tyler   'XUGHQFURVVRYHUVODVKIDQÂżFWLRQ

POLI  1-­01  Digital  Democracy: Democracy:  Now  available  for  download  from   The  Pirate  Bay. ASTR  70D-­01  Historical  Astronomy:   New  research  into  the  crystalline  spheres  of  the   cosmos,  luminiferous  aether,  and  how  many   DQJHOVFDQÂżWRQWKHKHDGRIDSLQ ART  150C-­01  Contemporary  Art:   Really,  what  is  â&#x20AC;&#x153;artâ&#x20AC;?  anyway? CRWN  70-­02  Intro  to  Radio:   Enter  the  exciting  world  of  Citizenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  Band   radio  and  talk  to  truckers  about  drinking  and   murdering  prostitutes. LTPR  137-­01  Modern  Ancient  Drama: 6SRFN$QWLJRQHFURVVRYHUVODVKIDQÂżFWLRQ ANTH  130C-­01  Politics  &  Culture  in  China: All  students  with  dissenting  opinions  will  be   executed,  also  learn  how  to  make  iron  as  a  cot-­ tege  industry. MUSC  80D-­01  Music  and  Political  Protest: Just  because  you  have  an  acoustic  guitar   doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  mean  that  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  a  protest  singer. SOCY  188A-­01  Environmental  Inequality: Inquiray  into  how  The  Man  is  using  Foucauld-­ ian  power  structures  to  keep  the  plants  down. CMPS  4-­04  Internet  Issues: Class  not  found. AMST  199F-­01  Fish  Rap  Live:   0DNHGLFNMRNHVJHWFODVVFUHGLW


Psychology is impacted, but itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not that big of a deal.

11

Am I Gonna Guest Pass Yoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; A$$? A spectrum by Danny Brooks

'+DOOJXHVWSDVVHVKHUHDW8&6&FDUU\DERXWWKHVDPH¿QDQFLDOVRFLDOLPSOLFDWLRQVDVVD\ YLUJLQLW\ZKLFKLVWRVD\WKH\ UHNLQGDLPSRUWDQW6RWRKHOS\RXGHFLGHLI\RX UHUHDG\WRWDNHWKH QH[WVWHSLQWRPDQZRPDQKRRGDQGJLYHXSWKDW'FDUGKHUH VDFKDUWRIFRPPRQJXHVWSDVVVXS-­ SOLFDQWVDQGKRZUHFRPPHQGDEOHPDNLQ WKHSDVVIRUWKHPLV

Always

Â&#x2021; Honeys*/Famine  Victims:  You  made  it  all  the  way  here  from  Santa   Barbara/Somalia  and  you  are  hot/starving  as  fuck!  I'll  gladly  guest   SDVV\RXVRWKDW,PLJKWJHWP\QXWIXOÂżOOPHQW\RXUH\HVVKLQH with  expectation  and  your  mouth  quivers  seductively/pathetically.   After  we  eat  perhaps  I  can  take  you  to  the  dorm/relief  center,  and   we  can  get  our  freak  on.  Unless  you're  a  famine  victim,  because   seriously  who  wants  to  fuck  a  famine  victim.  Srsly.

Often

Â&#x2021; Mommy  and  Daddy:  Whether  intentionally  or  not,  these  strange,   vexing  people  some  sweaty  night  nineteen  or    twenty-­something   years  ago  did  the  deed  that  brought  you  into  the  world,  and  if   you're  going  to  submit  them  to  the  bizarre  adventure  that  is  being   old  in  a  dining  hall,  at  least  guess  pass  them,  it's  their  own  damn   money  anyway.  

Occasionally

Â&#x2021; Schizophrenic  bum  you  met  on  the  bus:  Yeah  this  guy's  seen  better   days,  and  yeah  at  least  one  of  his  personalities  is  hungry,  but  one   minute  he's  Simba  and  the  next  he's  Wildcat  *hisss*  and  you  just   don't  know  if  he's  going  to  slit  your  throat,  take  your  guest  pass  and   leave,  or  stalk  you  well  into  your  thirties.  Use  extreme  discretion   when  feeding  the  Santa  Cruz  homeless.

No fuckinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; way

Â&#x2021; Roommates:  C'mon  man  you  have  a  fucking  meal  plan,  and  you   snore.  And  you  jizzed  a  little  bit  on  my  rug.  DO  NOT  guest  pass   your  roommate,  if  he/she  even  ventures  to  ask,  just  say  â&#x20AC;&#x153;no.â&#x20AC;?  You   will  be  left  feeling  empty  and  used. Â&#x2021; Self-­Aware  Vending  machines:  If  you've  ever  been  approached   by  a  vending  machine  that,  by  some  cosmic  accident,  slipped  into   the  realm  of  consciousness,  the  desire  to  submit  to  its  will  can  be   overwhelming,  believe  me,  I  know.    But  take  heed  fellow-­meal   plan  holder,  this  machine  is  not  your  friend.  Besides  it's  already   full  of  food  and  probably  wouldn't  be  able  to  understand  the   concept  of  â&#x20AC;&#x153;waster  vs.  taster.â&#x20AC;?

WANT SOMETHING AWESOME TO DO THIS 4/20? DO YOU LOVE THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM? +$6,7%((1$:+,/(6,1&(<28¡9(+$'$&$35,681" $5(<286758**/,1*:,7++2:7263(1'<285 WEDNESDAY?

Come to McHenry Library! Where we have tons of awesome alternative ways to spend your day! t*OUIFCBTFNFOUXFIBWFBDSBGUEBZ XIFSFXFXJMM UBLFPMEĂśMFGPMEFSTBOEEFDPSBUFUIFNGPSOFXQSPKFDUT 5IFSFXJMMCF(P(VSUBOETOBDLT

Â&#x2039;6U[OL[OPYKĂ&#x2026;VVYTLKPHYVVT[OLYL^PSSILHN\LZ[ ZWLHRLYKPZJ\ZZPUN4VKLYU,JVUVTPJZPUYLSH[PVU[V HUJPLU[;YVIYPHUK0ZSHUKO\[HYJOP[LJ[\YL Â&#x2021;$OVRDWWKH6FLHQFHDQG(QJLQHHULQJ/LEUDU\:HKDYH %RQQ\GRRQÂśVOHDGLQJELUGWUDFNHUFRPLQJWRWDONWRVWXGHQWV DERXWWKHDEXQGDQWDQGGLYHUVHPLJUDWLRQSDWWHUQVRIELUGV SUHVHQWRQRXURZQFDPSXV

This is a day you do not want to miss! So come on down to McHenry, for a day of living, laughing, learning, and loving! Bring an open mind and a positive attitude!

*If  you're  planning  on  making  sweet,  sweet  love  to  the  above-­mentioned  honey,  bear  in  mind  that  all  dining   hall  food  is  coated  in  a  mild  laxative

by Emmy Ballard

PJ  got  peer  pressured  at  the  Meadow!

I  got  caught  dealing  in  the  dorms.

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  OREGANO?? The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011


12

Most professors donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t take attendance, but you should still go.

Chillinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; with Chomsky by Solomon Wong

Noam Chomsky met me at the Southwest Air gate, pulling along a faded red rolling suitcase. "Good to see you," he said, pushing the telescoping handle back into the bag with a click. "Do you have a car?" I said yes, right over here, and motioned towards my Prius. "A hybrid," he said, bemused. "That's commendable." I wasn't sure how to react to this so I said that I know hybrids aren't that much better. Chomsky opened the door for himself after I pressed the unlock on my key fob. "It's a nice car." We stopped at a roadside barbecue place at his insistence. Noam Chomsky ordered a SXOOHGSRUNVDQGZLFKZLWKKRUVHUDGLVKPD\RQQDLVHDQGDEDJRI5XIĂ HV+HGHFOLQHGDVRGD We ate at a counter that faced out onto the highway, watching 16-wheelers rumble past, dark H[KDXVWSXIĂ&#x20AC;QJRXWEHKLQGWKHP7KHUHZDVDZRPDQVLWWLQJLQDERRWKUHDOSDSHUEDJJHURI DZRPDQHDWLQJDEDVNHWRIIULHVDQGDFKHHVHVWHDN:KHQZH GĂ&#x20AC;QLVKHGHDWLQJ&KRPVN\ EDOOHGXSWKHJUHDV\SDSHUWKDWKDGZUDSSHGKLVVDQGZLFKDQGVWXIIHGLWLQWRKLV5XIĂ HVEDJ +HVHWDĂ&#x20AC;YHGROODUELOORQWKHFRXQWHU,WROGKLPWKH\GRQ WWLSKHUHDQGKHVDLG,GRVDYLQJ the breath he could have spent on a lecture about food service wages. "My house is two exits down," he said. I had printed out directions from the internet but &KRPVN\UHIXVHGWRXVHWKHP7XUQKHUHDWDWUDIĂ&#x20AC;FLVODQGJDUGHQDQGOHIWKHUHGRZQD street lined with large billowy trees and fashionably unfashionable houses whose paint was MXVWIDGHGHQRXJKOLNHWKUHHKXQGUHGGROODUDFLGZDVKMHDQV+LVKRXVHZDVSDOH\HOORZDQG the door was a weathered green. "Come in, I just have to unpack." ,VDWLQDVTXDVK\FKDLULQKLVOLYLQJURRPORRNLQJDURXQGDWWKHERRNFDVHVĂ&#x20AC;OOHGZLWK YLQ\OVWDSSLQJP\SHQRQP\OHJĂ LSSLQJWKURXJKWKHOHJDOSDGWRJRRYHUZKDW, GZULWWHQ so far. I had been hoping to get some pull-quotes out of him, something Layout could set in the middle of my article. Chomsky came out of his bedroom holding a rectangular thing wrapped in duct tape. I watched him as he silently pulled the tape off in rasping strips. After nearly three layers of tape, the contents showed through. Noam Chomsky had smuggled a key of marijuana in from Africa. I gasped and he grinned sheepishly. "They call it 'dagga.' This strain is grown by a family in Swaziland so they can pay for their kids' school," he added, with a guilty look on his face. I told him he could have been put away for a long time for bringing this through customs. "I'm eighty-two years old," he said, and left it at that. +HWROGPHWRSLFNRXWDUHFRUGZKLOHKHUROOHGDEOXQW+HKDGDFLJDUER[Ă&#x20AC;OOHGZLWK 80-cent individually-wrapped swishers. I picked Fela Kuti, but when I showed it to him he shook his head. "Nothing from Africa; I don't want to think about where this came from."I put the record back and pulled Funhouse by The Stooges, which he nodded at enthusiastically, licking the wrap and then pressing it shut. "So you're from a campus paper," he said after a few go-rounds, eyes half-closed. The album had slowed down, giving me time to admire Iggy Pop's voice and think about his leathery muscles. I said yes. "What do you want to talk about, then? You're from a UC; are you gonna ask me about the budget?" I said I was surprised he knew about that. "Of course I know DERXWWKDW+HĂ DSSHGKLVKDQGDWPHDQGSXIIHGDFRXSOHWLPHVRQWKHEOXQW,NQRZDERXW everything," he breathed, and the smoke gathered up around his face like a fortune teller. I said that as long as I had him, yes, what did he think about the budget problems? "What I remember most vividly, as I imagine most people who followed the budget crisis do, is the pay raises the UC regents gave themselves after the tuition increases. That, and the small incidents of vandalism." I remembered a Thanksgiving where my uncle had chastised me for the damage to the computer labs on campus. "The problem," Chomsky continued, "is that these incidents aren't by any means rare. And most people know that, and in fact characterize &(2VDQGRWKHUEXVLQHVVRIĂ&#x20AC;FHUVDVJUHHG\EXWWKHUH VQHYHUDFDOOWRDFWLRQUHJDUGLQJFRUSRUDWHJUHHGXQOHVVLW VFRQWUDVWHGZLWKVRPHWKLQJOLNHDEXGJHWGHĂ&#x20AC;FLW7KLQNDERXWWKHEDQN bailouts a few years ago. Everyone was outraged that executives from Goldman-Sachs were KDYLQJSDUWLHVLQWKH&DULEEHDQEXWRQO\EHFDXVHLWZDVLQWKHZDNHRIWKHĂ&#x20AC;QDQFLDOGLVDVWHU It was about how it looked, not anything having to do with greed or excess." I nodded, too stoned to come up with a good response. "And now more than ever, there's a growing sentiment that taxes shouldn't be raised. Or at least there is more vocal opposition to the idea. Disturbingly few people understand marginal tax rates, and even among those who GRWKHUH VDQHQGXULQJLGHDWKDWWKH\ZLOOVRPHGD\RFFXS\WKDWWD[EUDFNHW+HQRGGHGWR himself. I nodded back. "This isn't a great album," he said. "I prefer their self-titled." I had in fact chosen Funhouse because I was worried about how choosing the album with "I Wanna Be Your Dog" would make me look. I told him this and he laughed, the wheezy giggle old men have. "I suppose we should be thankful to have such problems," he said. "When you think of Libya, or Bahrain..." I told him I had been following the coverage closely. "That's good, that's good," he said, with a far-off look in his eyes. "It's admirable that a college student would ERWKHUZLWKWKDWNLQGRIWKLQJ+HVWRRGXSDQGOHIWIRUKLVEHGURRP,VDWQRWNQRZLQJZKDW WRGR+HUHWXUQHGFDUU\LQJD0DFERRN3UR,ZDVMXVWWKLQNLQJDERXWWKLVYLGHR<RXVKRXOG ZDWFKLWOHWPHĂ&#x20AC;QGLW<RXKDYHWRZDWFKLW+HQDYLJDWHGWR\RXWXEHDQGFOLFNHGRQKLV "favorites" tab. I could vaguely make out the titles of videos as he scrolled down, "Texaco President Responds to Ongoing Ecuador Lawsuit," "Weiner Challenges the Republicans to 3XW8SRU+HVWRSSHGRQDYLGHRZLWKDQWLWOHLQ$UDELF The video was dark and grainy, the thick line of a power cable crossing the screen. "This is from the Libyan protests," Chomsky said. "I saw this and couldn't stop watching it." There were voices shouting. The camera shifted down to show a grey-blue dusk sky. More shouting, then an echoing crack and panicked voices. "Look at this," Chomsky whispered. A young man lay on the ground, blood pooling around him, eyes closed. Two of his fellow protesters grabbed him by the arms and lifted him, and blood poured out the back of his head like a garden hose. They dragged him away, leaving a thick dark red line waving behind them. Oh my God, I said. My mouth was dry and I noticed it especially now. Chomsky clicked back 5 seconds, and the shot rang out again, and the blood poured again, and Noam Chomsky curled his lips into a grimace. "My God," he said, and clicked back to the shot. "This fucking world." Click. "Why do I ever smoke weed."

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011

Four-Twenty: A Timeline by Clay Malzkuhn

As  that  wonderful  time  of  the  year  rolls  around  once  again,  we  here  at  Fish  Rap  would  like   to  take  a  step  back  and  look  at  the  fascinating  history  of  4/20,  a  holiday  as  old  as  time  itself.   Although  many  claim  that  the  dayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  origins  are  more  recent,  evidence  by  expert  ganjologists   have  discovered  a  wealth  of  references  to  festivals  and  celebrations  on  that  day,  from  cultures   far  and  wide. 33  AD:  Long-­haired,  pot-­smoking   hippie  gets  what's  coming  to  him. 420  AD:  Hey,  look  what  year  it  is! 1350:  Bored  Europeans  with   nothing  to  do  after  all  their   friends  died  of  the  Black   Plague  begin  to  celebrate  4/20.   It  was  here  that  the  practice   of  passing  joints  to  the  left   originated,  as  it  was  then   commonly  believed  that  doing   so  would  protect  them  from   the  disease.  This  is  largely   FRQVLGHUHGWREHWKHÂżUVW â&#x20AC;&#x153;highdeaâ&#x20AC;?. 1768:  In  another  attempt  to   WD[LWV$PHULFDQFRORQLHV Britain  passes  a  Marijuana   $FW2XWUDJHGFRORQLVWVÂżOO HIÂżJLHVRI*HRUJH,,,ZLWK weed  and  burn  them  to  kill   two  birds  with  one  stone. 1754:  Enlightenment  thinkers   steal  all  their  ideas  from  their   high  friends.   â&#x20AC;&#x153;What  if,  like,  we're  all  ani-­ mals,  and  like,  society  puts  us   in  chains,  you  know?â&#x20AC;? -­  John  Locke's  roommate 1848:  In  the  4/20  That  Never   Was,  riots  break  out  across   Europe  when  tension  with  the   Ottoman  Empire  causes  a  ban   on  the  importation  of  marijuana.   Protesting  university  students   eventually  claim  to  be     ÂżJKWLQJIRUGHPRFUDF\LQRUGHU to  impress  women.

1920:  After  the  trauma  of   World  War  1  and  the  onset   of  Prohibition,  the  American   people  begin  a  series  of  lavish   4/20  celebrations  where     people  think  sitting  on     Ă&#x20AC;DJSROHVDQGVZDOORZLQJ phonebooks  are  good  ideas. 1939:  Hitler  bogarts  Poland.

1200  BC:  Several  Bronze  Age  cultures  collapse   violently.  More  recent  evidence  based  on  clay   tablets  describes  the  arrival  of  a  strain  of  weed  so   strong  that  many  Mediterranean  cultures  grew  too   lazy  to  hunt  or  gather,  causing  their  parents  to  kick   them  out  of  the  house. 1271:  Marco  Polo  coughs  like  a  bitch  in  a   Muslim  court,  outraging  the  sultan  and  leading   to  the  beginning  of  the  Ninth  Crusade. 1492:  Columbus  accidentally  discovers  the   New  World  in  what  historians  now  consider  to   EHRQHRIWKHPRVWGHVSHUDWHDWWHPSWVWRÂżQG a  dealer  ever  recorded.  On  the  return  voyage,   4/20  celebrations  almost  turned  into  a  mutiny   after  Columbus  dropped  the  chief  navigatorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s   bong. 1619:  Settlers  at  Jamestown  invite  local  Indians   WRIRUWKHÂżUVWWLPH7KLVH[SUHVVLRQRI JRRGZLOOTXLFNO\EDFNÂżUHVZKHQ&KLHI   Namaquansett  allows  the  ceremonial  blunt  to   burn  out  whilst  giving  a  lengthy  speech  on  the   prosperity  that  will  be  enjoyed  by  settlers  and   natives  living  harmoniously.  Wrote  one  settler   â&#x20AC;&#x153;We  were  so  Enragâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d  at  the  Heathen  savageâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s   lacke  of  civility  that  we  discharg'd  our  muskets   into  them  until  not  a  one  of  them  remained     OLYLQJ´7KLVLQFLGHQWZRXOGLQĂ&#x20AC;XHQFH   (QJOLVK,QGLDQUHODWLRQVIRUWKHQH[W\HDUV 1777:  Thomas  Jefferson  rolls  what  was  then   the  largest  blunt  ever  out  of  a  rough  draft  of  the   Declaration  of  Independence.  This  record  would   later  be  surpassed  when  Eleanor  Roosevelt   rolled  a  blunt  out  of  the  UN  Declaration  of     Human  Rights. 1859:  Tensions  between  the  North  and   South  are  heightened  when  South     Carolinian  senator  Andrew  Bridges  sparks   a  raging  controversy  by  using  his  slave   Thomas  as  an  ashtray. 1893:7KHÂżUVWYDSRUL]HULVXQYHLOHGDW WKH:RUOGÂśV&ROXPELDQ([SRVLWLRQLQ &KLFDJR,WÂżOOVWKUHHURRPVJHQHUDWHV massive  amounts  of  steam,  and  results   LQWKHGHDWKVRIFKLOGODERUHUV²DOO in  all,  a  massive  success. 1930:7KH*UHDW'HSUHVVLRQUHGXFHV much  of  the  worldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  population  to   smoking  resin. 1948:  Cheetos  invented.

1967:  Hippies  embrace   4/20  as  a  countercultural   activity.  Protesters  rejoice   when  their  loud  music  and   incessant  smoking  causes   the  Vietnam  War  to  end  8   years  later. 2010:  Tragedy  strikes  at   UCSCâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  4/20  celebration   when  Stephanie  Windsor,   a  Merrill  freshman,  said   she  wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  smoke  weed   and  then  did,  causing   her  to  die  on  the  spot  of   HQĂ&#x20AC;DPHGO\LQJ

1982:  In  an  effort  to  crack  down  on  illegal   4/20  events  nationwide,  Ronald  Reagan   introduces  crack  cocaine  into  the  inner   cities  as  a  safer  alternative.  â&#x20AC;&#x153;Crack  cocaine   will  make  us  all  more  industrious  and   SURGXFWLYH´KHVDLGDVWKHĂ&#x20AC;HVKRIXQERUQ infants  trickled  down  his  chin. April  20,  1999:  Columbine   Ć&#x2030;Âł,ZDVJRQQDVKRRWXSDOOWKHNLGVLQ P\VFKRROEXWWKHQ,JRWKLRKZDLW´Ć&#x2C6; 2147:  Super  intelligent  robots  become     VHOIDZDUHH[WHUPLQDWHKXPDQLW\DQG   OHJDOL]HZHHG6WRQHUVKDYHPL[HGIHHOLQJV


Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been here four years and Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve never smoked pot.

Related: Legal Alternatives

Re:  The  â&#x20AC;&#x153;Four-­Twentyâ&#x20AC;?

13

by Everest Dillon-Hurley and James Farmer

As  in  years  past,  UCSC  anticipates  that  there  may  be  a  small  group  of  people   celebrating  â&#x20AC;&#x153;Four-­Twentyâ&#x20AC;?  on  campus.  Participants  seem  to  be  under  the  impres-­ sion  that  this  is  some  sort  of  holiday,  and  mistakenly  think  that  smoking  marijuana   is  legal  on  this  day.  We  would  like  to  inform  students  and  faculty  members  of  what   might  be  happening  between  4:00  to  5:00  PM  around  campus  so  they  will  not  be   alarmed  by  anything. Â&#x2021;<RXPD\VHHDORZO\LQJIRJHVSHFLDOO\DURXQG3RUWHU0HDGRZ7KLVLVQRWKLQJ to  be  worried  about,  as  it  is  a  typical  weather  occurrence,  and  should  dissipate  by   the  evening.  However,  it  is  something  to  be  avoided  for  health  reasons. Â&#x2021;7KHIRJPD\KDYHDQKHUEDOVFHQWDJDLQWKLVLVQRWKLQJ\RXVKRXOGZRUU\DERXW It  is  simply  a  sign  that  the  native  plant  life  is  thriving  around  this  time  of  year. Â&#x2021;7KHUHZLOOEHSUREDEO\EHDQLQFUHDVHRISHRSOHYLVLWLQJWKHGLQLQJKDOOVDQGRWKHU on-­campus  restaurants.  Students  and  faculty  working  for  UCSC  dining  services   should  be  aware  of  this,  and  student  employees  are  advised  to  not  skip  work   HYHQLIWKH\FODLPWRVXGGHQO\FRPHGRZQZLWKWKHRQHGD\VWRPDFKĂ&#x20AC;X Â&#x2021;'XHWRFRQFHUQVDERXWDQ\SRWHQWLDO)RXU7ZHQW\FHOHEUDWLRQV WKRXJKWKH\DUH XQOLNHO\WRJHWRXWRIKDQG WKHUHZLOOEHQRLQERXQGWUDIÂżFFRPLQJLQWRFDPSXV starting  at  2:15  PM.  If  you  would  like  to  get  into  campus  to  attend  your  classes,  it   LVUHFRPPHQGHGWKDW\RXFDUU\DÂł:KDW:RXOG-HVXV'R"´VLJQLQRUGHUWRGLVSHO any  suspicions  that  you  are  coming  to  campus  in  order  to  smoke  marijuana.   Overnight  guests  will  not  be  allowed,  though  if  they  absolutely  have  to  stay,  they   should  carry  pro-­Jesus  signs  as  well. We  are  convinced  that  UCSC  students  will  make  healthy  and  positive  decisions   regarding  Four-­Twenty,  as  the  celebration  has  never  been  a  big  deal  on  campus   before.  For  those  of  you  who  do  not  have  any  classes  at  4:20,  the  colleges  will  be   sponsoring  several  wholesome  alternate  activities  instead,  such  as  a  macaroni   SLFWXUHZRUNVKRSDÂżQJHUSDLQWLQJVHPLQDUDQGDSHUIRUPDQFHE\WKH:LJJOHV Thank  you  for  your  cooperation. Felicia  McGinty,  Vice  Chancellor,  Student  Affairs

 For  all  you  goody  two  shoes  who  want  to  impress  your  friends  with  drug  use  but  the  thought  of   a  conversation  with  a  drug  dealer  frightens  you  (they  DO  have  guns,  no  matter  what  they  say),  here   are  some  legal  alternatives  to  get  your  shit  fucked.   Why  not  be  like  your  hero  Miley  Cyrus  and  do  a  bong  load  or  two  of  salvia?  It  just  lasts  15   minutes,  how  bad  could  it  be?  For  those  of  you  not  familiar,  itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  like  Carl  Sagan  kicking  your  brain's   testicles  into  the  snake  dimension  and  then  by  ejaculating,  beginning  several  alternate  universes   inhabited  by  living  Simpsons    cariactures  of  your  friends  and  familly.  The  reason  that  itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  legal  and   ZLGHO\DYDLODEOHLVEHFDXVHRIKRZHTXDOO\IXQDQGWHUULEOHLWLV)RUWKRVHSUHFLRXVÂżIWHHQPLQXWHV \RXFDQEHDQ\WKLQJ$QDVWURQDXWDURFNDÂżVKWUDSSHGRQGU\ODQGRUHYHQDQ$IUR&XEDQKRPR-­ sexual  communist  in  a  McCarthy  era  southern  diner!  For  the  next  four  hundred  twenty  years,  feel   free  to  explore  your  strange  new  reality.  Balk  at  gravity,  watch  the  walls  dissolve,  punch  anything   DQGDQ\RQHWKHUHDUHQÂśWFRQVHTXHQFHVDQ\PRUH$IWHUWKHÂżIWHHQPLQXWHV\RX UHUHDG\WRJRKRPH and  call  your  parents  completely  sober.  FYI,  your  parents  know  about  4/20,  and  if  you  call  them   hella  blazed,  they'll  give  your  car  to  your  sister.  Don't  let  her  get  the  Honda  Accord  XLE  Sedan! If   you   don't   want   your   balls   completely   tripped,   and   actually   want   the   option   of   stumbling   around  on  (legal)  drugs  for  hours  (you  pussy),  you  should  give  Robitussin  a  try.  But  you  might   say,  â&#x20AC;&#x153;That's  just  cough  medicine!  Yuckers!â&#x20AC;?  And  yuckers  aside,  this  shit  can  make  you  rethink  your   entire  life  if  you  drink  enough.  The  effects  are  similar  to  having  wicked  fever  delirium,  and  you're   probably  throw  up  because  that  shit  is  gross,  but  it  can  be  pretty  nuts  once  you  get  over  the  part   ZKHQ\RXIHHOOLNH\RXKDYHWKHĂ&#x20AC;X)LUVWRII\RXZLOOQRWNQRZZKDWWKHIXFNLVJRLQJRQ(YHU\-­ WKLQJEHFRPHVFRPSOHWHO\EDIĂ&#x20AC;LQJIURP\RXUFHOOSKRQHWRZKHWKHU\RXFDQZKHHODWLUHGRZQWKH PLGGOHRIDEXV\URDG<RXÂśOOSUREDEO\VSHQGDORWRIWLPHUROOLQJDURXQGRQWKHĂ&#x20AC;RRUEHFDXVHZDON-­ ing  is  gona  be  a  little  out  of  your  reach  for  the  next  four  hours.  There  are  several  highness  plateaus,     depending  on  how  much  you  guzzle  down,  ranging  from  â&#x20AC;&#x153;whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  going  on  man?â&#x20AC;?  to  â&#x20AC;&#x153;I  was  reborn   last  night  bro.â&#x20AC;?  Also,  the  amount  to  get  your  brain  all  Stewey  is  close  to  the  amount  to  overdose,  so   make  sure  to  ask  your  parents  how  many  bottles  your  dainty  little  ass  can  handle. 1LWURXV2[LGH$.$:KLS,WVLVMXVWGLFNĂ&#x20AC;RSSLQIXQ<RXFDQSLFNWKHVHIXQOLWWOHFDQLVWHUV up  at  your  local  smoke  shop,  sportin'  goods  store  or  kitchen  supply  shop.  You'll  need  a  cracker  and   balloon  to  catch  the  funny  gas,  but  be  warned,  don't  take  that  shit  directly  because  it  is  hella  chilly   when  it  comes  out  and  can  asphyxiate  you  if  taken  directly.  Long  story  short:  most  of  your  motor   skills  go  bye  bye  and  you  fall  into  your  own  goofy  goober  world  and  laugh  hysterically  for  under   a  minute.  I  think  it  kills  brain  cells  or  something,  but  it  only  lasts  for  a  minute,  why  wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  you   want  to  do  another,  and  another?  You  can  also  suck  nitrous  from  the  whipped  cream  cans  at  your   parents  house  (if  your  mom  hasn't  already  sucked  it  all  out),  and  then  enjoy  a  Sundae  with  soupy,   shitty  cream  on  top. So   thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s   your   crash   course   on   some   common   and   widely   available   legal   (sketchy)   drugs.   Marajuano  is  honestly  not  in  the  same  league  as  these  loopy  loophole  intoxicants,  and  is  far  less   likely  to  ruin  your  night.  So  next  time  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  bored  or  have  a  lot  of  homework  to  do,  give  legal   drugs  a  try:  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll  probably  regret  it.  

HOW TO PROTECT YOUR CROP by Victor Orozco Sr.

Aside  from   hearing   the   sound   of   a   commie   scream-­ ing   in   pain   as   I   scalp   him   alive,  slowly;Íž  there  ain't  noth-­ ing   that   I   personally   enjoy   more  than  planting  a  delicate   seed   in   a   patch   of   soil   and   nurturing  it  until  it  becomes  a   strong  and  healthy  plant.  The   satisfaction  I  get  from  is  like   that  of  creating  artwork,  or  dropping  a  fat  deuce.  I  canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  explain   it,  but  there  is  something  soothing  about  seeing  the  fruits  of  my   labor  manifest  themselves  physically.  There's  also  the  feeling  of   loss  and  despair  that  comes  along  with  losing  something  so  dear   to  me.  It  darn  near  makes  me  see  red  again.  Whether  from  natural   causes  like  vermin,  pests,  disease,  accidents  or  them  meddling,   trail-­mix  eating,  backpack  carrying,  fucking  hippie  deer  that  can't   mind   their   own   goddamned   business   and   end   up   running   their   mouths  and  bringing  other  deer  to  your  neck  of  the  woods,  losing   crops  happens  much  too  often.   While  I  can't  prevent  Mother  Nature  from  taking  her  toll  on   my  crop,  as  a  seasoned  farmer,  there  are  a  few  very  simple  steps   ,WDNHWRKHOSHQVXUHWKDWQRJRGGDPQHGGHHUZLOOÂżQGLW7KHUH are  many  ways  as  a  farmer  I  make  them  deerâ&#x20AC;?stay  quiet.  Back  in   â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Nam,  my  job  was  to  search  and  destroy  the  enemy,  and  I  saw   things.  Now  however,  for  close  to  half  a  decade  I  have  made  my   living   as   a   farmer   in   the   backwoods.   and   let   me   tell   you,   son,   FDPRXĂ&#x20AC;DJHLVWKHNH\WRSUHYHQWLQJGHHUIURPÂżQGLQJ\RXUFURSV <RX YHJRWWDJHW\RXUVHOIVRPHFDPRXĂ&#x20AC;DJHQHWVLQZKDWHYHU color  best  blends  into  your  surroundings,  and  get  enough  to  cover   the  crop  from  a  deer  looking  over  from  a  ridge  or  a  helicopter.   The  idea  here  is  to  make  your  crop  look  like  it  is  just  another  part   of  the  forest.  Just  like  we  did  back  in  the  jungle. Prevention  and  preparation  are  the  keys  to  success.  Get  your-­

self  lots   of   guns:   the   more   the   merrier,   and   keep   them   handy.   Learn  how  to  hit  shit  with'  em.  And  remember,  guns  go  â&#x20AC;&#x153;bang.â&#x20AC;?   Only   use   them   if   you   have   to.   Otherwise,   it   might   make   other   deer  want  to  investigate-­  the  last  thing  you  want.  Another  sug-­ gestion  is  to  try  mixing  and  matching  so  you  get  some  variety  in   \RXUDUVHQDO$VLGHIURP\RXUDVVDXOWULĂ&#x20AC;HV\RX OOQHHGDKXQWLQJ ULĂ&#x20AC;HZLWKDVFRSHWRKLWGHHUIURPIDUDZD\ZKLOH\RXVWD\KLGGHQ and  a  shotgun  for  short  distance  to  rip  the  deerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  face  off.  Limit   your  automatic  weapons  to  when  shit  really  hits  the  fan,  because   those  attract  more  attention  than  they  deter. Awareness   of   your   surroundings   another   key   to   protecting   your   crop.   I   suggest   setting   up   cameras   or   patrols   in   the   sur-­ rounding   area   so   that   you   are   aware   of   the   movements   of   the   deer  that  may  potentially  stumble  upon  your  crop.  The  amount   of  patrols  or  cameras  you  have  operating  will  be  determined  by   the  size  of  your  farm  and  how  much  you  want  it  to  stay  hidden.   You  can  even  get  those  fancy  nets  that  hide  your  operation  from   all  them  night-­vision-­thermal-­infrared  cameras.  Them  deers  are   gettin'   smarter,   you   know.   This   is   pretty   straight   forward,   but  for  god's  fucking  sake,  do  not  wear  cammies  and  carry   machine-­guns  while  you  are  patrolling.  Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  be  stupid.   The  last  thing  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d  like  to  tell  you  folks  is  how  to  deal   with  the  unfortunate  deer  that  do    stumble  across  your  crops.   Sadly,  secrecy  is  the  only  way  that  you  can  ensure  that  your   operation  remains  undiscovered.  The  only  way  to  make  sure   that  your  farm  remains  a  secret  is  to  search  and  destroy  any   deer  that  do  happen  to  stumble  into  your  neck  of  the  woods.   Hooah!!  It  is  one  of  the  hardest  things  to  do,  but  let  me  assure   you  it  gets  better  the  more  you  do  it.  But  donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  judge  me,  man!   Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  not  my  fault;Íž  those  were  crazy  times.  You  don't  know  man,   you  weren't  thereâ&#x20AC;Ś   As   for   getting   rid   of   evidence,   dismember   it,   stick   it   in   an   extra-­hold  garbage  bag,  add  some  lye,  and  carry  it  off  somewhere   remote   to   dispose   of   it.   No,   I   do   not   mean   the   â&#x20AC;&#x153;remoteâ&#x20AC;?   park-­ ing   lots.   remember   the   idea   is   to   make   it   disappear.  As   for   me   personally,  I  like  to  light  up  a  fatty,  drink  some  moonshine  and  

have  myself  a  nice  â&#x20AC;&#x153;venisonâ&#x20AC;?  steak.   I  have  plenty  of  it  in  my  Icebox  at   the  moment. If   you   be   having   some   per-­ sonal  issues,  meaning  you  ain't  man   enough  to  kill  a  deer,  go  watch  your-­ self  some  fucking  Bambi.  Just  the   scene   when   his   mom   gets   shot   by   a   hunter   a   hundred   times   and   cowboy   the   fuck   up.   You've   got   to   have   an   instinctual   urge   to   lock   and   load   when   you   even   think  of  deer  if  you  ever  want  to  be   a  farmer.  

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011


Santa Cruz has a vibrant night life.

14

This Week:

Good â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Samerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;-itan

by Samer Hosn

The Fish Rap Live! Dive Team is a group of individuals dedicated to truthfully reviewing local establishments, commonly referred to as â&#x20AC;&#x153;Dive Bars.â&#x20AC;? Interested in becoming a member of this heralded UCSC tradition? Email fishraplive@gmail.com. I  know   this   is   late,   but   Fish   Rap   isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t   your   period   so   stop   complaining.  Saint  Patrickâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  Day  is  a  day  when  alcoholics  wear   green  and  pretend  they  donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  have  daddy  issues.  The  following  is   DWUXHVWRU\WKDWKDVEHHQFRQÂżUPHGE\VREHUSHRSOHLQWKHJURXS We  here  on  staff  wish  it  werenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  all  true,  but  it  is.   7KHQLJKWVWDUWHGRIIYHU\VXDYHO\ZLWKWZRSHRSOHÂżQLVKLQJ D ÂżIWK RI &DSÂśPR$K KRZ QRVWDOJLF RI IUHVKPDQ \HDU LW ZDV %HLQJWKDW,KDYHWKHWROHUDQFHRIDWRGGOHUDW$SSOHEHHÂśV,ZDV ready   for   some   more   booze.   We   headed   to   the   The   New   Jury   Room  for  some  cheap  ass  drank.   Once  we  got  there,  they  told  me  that  they  were  a  cash  only   EDU,GLGQÂśWVHHWKH$70LQWKHEDUVR,UDQDOOWKHZD\WRWKH%RI $IRXUEORFNVDZD\,ÂśPUHDOO\EDGDWUXQQLQJEHFDXVHWKHRQO\ time  I  ever  ran  is  when  the  ice  cream  truck  sped  up.  I  came  back   and  my  friend  was  sitting  with  a  cup  with  ice  in  it,  and  it  was  a   fairly  big  cup  and  full,  so  I  chugged  it,  having  been  thirsty  from   my  night  jog.  It  turned  out  that  sick  friend  of  mine  was  drinking   vodka  on  the  rocks.  That  itself  was  weird,  but  why  the  hell  is  it  in   such  a  huge  cup?  I  know  why,  that  bar  donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  give  a  shit.  They  will   get  you  recession  drunk.  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  bad  at  math  and  good  at  drinking   but  I  know  I  got  fâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d  up  on  $10. $IWHU FKXJJLQJ WKDW FUDS DQG WZR /RQJ ,VODQGV ODWHU ZH headed   to   a   shitty   bar   that   shaunt   be   named.   We   got   in   and   a   JURXSRIELNHUZLYHVZDVÂżJKWLQJLQDOOOHDWKHULQWKHSDUNLQJORW For  some  reason  I  saw  one  lady  and  thought  it  was  a  guy  beating   DZRPDQVR,WKRXJKWLWZRXOGEHDJRRGLGHDWRVWRSWKHÂżJKW I  tried  to  break  it  up  and  got  punched  on  accident  in  my  kidney/ lower  back  fat  general  region.  I  yelped,  not  a  good  restaurant  but   DQ$:(((

We  get  into  said  shit  bar  and  I  took  some  shots  and  had  a   beer  to  relieve  myself  from  my  battle  wounds.  I  end  up  see-­ ing  two  strippers  on  poles  in  the  back  of  this  shaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;dynasty   EDU 2QH RI WKH VWULSSHUV NHSW WU\LQJ WR Ă&#x20AC;LS DQG ZUDS KHU OHJVDURXQGWKHEDUEXWFRXOGQÂśW0\IULHQGVVD\, got  on  the  stage,  announced  into  the  microphone   ÂłWKLVLVKRZLWÂśVGRQH´DQGSURFHHGHGWRĂ&#x20AC;LS DQGWZLUORQWKHSROH$NLGLQWKHGRUPVKDG a   stripper   pole   and   I   had   always   wanted   to   EHLQ&LUTXH'X6ROHLOVR,KDGOHDUQHGKRZ to  do  some  hyphy  shit.  Nothing  sexual,  more   circus  freak.   $IWHUEHLQJHVFRUWHGRXWRIWKHEDU,UHDOL]HG WKDWRQHRIP\IULHQGVZDVPLVVLQJ,FRXOGQÂśWÂżQG her  so  I  asked  around  and  someone  said  she  was  seen   going  into  a  nearby  house  with  a  guy.  Disclaimer:  The   following   is   the   bouncerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s   recollection,   not   mine.   I   knocked  on  the  door  and  he  told  me  to  â&#x20AC;&#x153;fuck  off,â&#x20AC;?   and  wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  let  me  see  if  my  friend  wanted  to  stay   or  not.  I  went  back  into  the  bar,  asked  someone  for  a   NQLIH%HLQJDVLWLV6DQWD&UX],JRWRIIHUHG knives.   Please   note   Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m   not   trying   to   act   tough.   There  is  no  way  in  hell  I  would  ever  have  used  the   ZHDSRQ,ÂśYHQHYHUEHHQLQDÂżJKWLWWRRNPHXQWLO my  late  teens  to  accept  meat  into  my  diet,  I  cried   during  Finding  Neverland  and  I  scream  in   JOHHZKHQ,VHHVTXLUUHOVZKLFKLVZK\ having  classrooms  with  big  windows  on   this  campus  has  been  a  Nelly  dilemma.

I  went  back  to  the  house,  told  the  guy  I  had  a  knife,  and   he  freaked  out  and  brought  my  friend  out,  who  was  kind  of   distraught.  I  felt  like  Superman,  with  a  knife.  She  was  very   excited  because  the  guy  seemed  to  have  that  look  in  his  eye   and  was  being  aggressive.   Thankful   for   my   rescue,   we   went   in   and   ordered   shots,   but   they   escorted   us   out   again   and  we  never  got  them.While  outside  I  heard   crying  coming  from  a  bush.  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  mad  biblical   so  I  went  and  talked  to  the  bush,  only  to  notice   that   it   was   a   sleeping   lady,   the   lady   who   was   LQYROYHGLQWKHTXDUUHOHDUOLHUFRYHUHGLQEORRG and  wearing  all  leather.  She  said  she  needed  to  get   home,  but  couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  walk.  I  found  a  shopping  cart  in   the  parking  lot  of  this  ever  so  classy  bar,  and  put  her   in  it,  and  ran  in  the  middle  of  the  street  with  her  in  it.   I   headed   to   my   house   downtown   and   had   a   great   talk   with  this  woman.  Turns  out  homegirl  is  about  a  decade   older  than  my  mother  and  my  mom  did  not  have  me  at  her   TXLQFHVRWKLVODG\ZDVROG6KHWROGPHWKDWKHUER\IULHQG injected  her  with  heroin  in  her  sleep  to  keep  her  with  him,   that  sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  broke  and  that  she  loved  me  for  being  her  guard-­ LDQ DQJOH$IWHU RIIHULQJ PH IHOODWLR IRU WKH OLIW VKH VDLG she  didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  actually  have  a  house  and  that  she  was  missing  a   FKXQNRIKDLUIURPWKHÂżJKWDQGWKLVODG\GLGQRWKDYHD weave,  let  alone  a  weave  that  wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  clip  on  you  feel   me?  That   shit   was   hair   hair.   I   declined   the   tossing   of  the  frontal  salad  and  went  home.  Turns  out  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m   awesome  when  I  drink.

:

Crappy Promo EP Edition

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LAKE: Giving & Receiving 6.3 by Mark â&#x20AC;&#x153;Erica Meyersâ&#x20AC;? Delyani With Â

their Â

tKLUG /3 Âł*LY-­ ing  and  Taking,â&#x20AC;?   /$.( D EDQG from   Olympia,   Wa s h i n g t o n ,   radically   rejects   DQG UHGHÂżQHV the   idea   of   Riot   *LUOVW\OH SXQN rock.   Despite   being   from   the   hailing   from   the   UHJLRQWKDWEURXJKWXV%LNLQL.LOODQG.XUW&R-­ bain,  they  bring  to  the  table  a  new  evolution  of   5LRW*LUOWKDWVKDNHVRIIWKHWZRRUWKUHHFKRUG simple   verse-­chorus-­verse   song   structure   with   shouted   lyrics   of   revolution   and   second-­wave   feminist   themes,   and   instead   features   acous-­ tic   guitars,   pianos,   horns,   and   sing-­song   lyrics   about   nature,   rather   than   social   justice.   I,   for   one,  am  very  distressed  by  this,  I  mean,  how  is   WKLVJRLQJWRKHOSÂżJKWWKHSDWULDUFK\RWKHUWKDQ by  lulling  it  into  a  false  sense  of  security. 5HDOO\ WKLV VRFDOOHG 5LRW *LUO DFW FRPHV RIIDVDQLQRIIHQVLYH'DYH0DWWKHZV%DQGRU an  offensive  Jack  Johnson,  mixed  with  hipster   groove   bands   like   John   Vanderslice   or   The   0RXQWDLQ*RDWV,QWKHHQGÂł*LYLQJDQG7DN-­

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011

ingâ&#x20AC;?  comes   off   as   heavy   on   style,   but   light   of   discernible  substance-­  chanting  and  mumbling   lyrics   may   sound   good,   but   it   makes   the   mes-­ sage  of  the  songs  hard  to  understand. If   a   song   is   constructed   like   a   house,   then   this  album  is  the  inner-­city  neighborhood  gen-­ WULÂżHG E\ WKH UDFLVW SROLFLHV RI WKH VWDWH 7KH houses   are   there   and   look   pretty,   but   behind   closed  doors  things  are  darker  and  senseless,  a   whirlpool  of  post-­colonial  colonization  and  do-­ mestic  hegemony.  But  I  guess  thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  what  Riot   *LUOLVRXWWRGRGLVWXUEWKHDXGLHQFHLQWRSD\-­ ing  attention  to  the  issues  that  really  matter  to   us  as  a  whole.

KARL BLAU: Max (#4.20) by Kim Reyes ,ÂżUVWKHDUGDERXW.DUO%ODXIURP3LWFKIRUN and  although   youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve   probably   never   heard   of   him,   youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll   want   to  feature  him  on   your   â&#x20AC;&#x153;Boring-­ $VV 0XVLF 7KDW +HOSV 0H 6WXG\ and  Sleepâ&#x20AC;?  play-­ list.  Blauâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  sound   is   like   elevator   music   remixed   with   synthesiz-­

ers  and  topped  off  with  the  monotonous  vocal   VW\OLQJVRIDW\SLFDOIRONVLQJHU7KHÂżUVWVRQJ RII WKH (3 FDOOHG Âł)RU 7HQQLVFRDWV´ WDNHV WKH role  of  the  token  instrumental  song  that  no  one   ever  bothers  playing,  simply  because  it  does  not   KDYH O\ULFV Âł&HOHEUDWH E\ 6LQJLQJ´ LV %ODXÂśV half-­assed   attempt   to   create   a   power-­ballad   anthem  encouraging  us  to  assert   our  rights   to-­ day   because   itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s   our   timeâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;yeah,   anarchy!   On   Âł*ROGHQ &KDULRW´ %ODX ZULWHV DERXW KRZ VL-­ lence  is  golden,  yet  unfortunately,  does  not  take   KLV RZQ DGYLFH 7KH ODVW VRQJ Âł$ 0HORG\ WR :DNH 8V LQ WKH 0RUQLQJ´ ÂżQLVKHV RII WKH DO-­ bum  with  almost  uninterpretable  lyrics,  making   this  song  the  best  one  of  all.  Basically,  if  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re   looking  for  some  obscure  music  to  impress  your   IULHQGVZLWKSLFNXS.DUO%ODXÂśV0D[

Resume Vol. 1 Compilation- 9.0 Megathrust by Mark Delyani 1RZ,OLNH7KH1HXWUDO0LON+RWHOVDVPXFK as  the   next   guy,   but   the   state   of   indie   rock   as   according   to   â&#x20AC;&#x153;Resume  Vol.   1â&#x20AC;?   really   surprised   me.   For   a   compilation   touting   itself   as   an   in-­ GLHURFNEHQHÂżWWRWKHYLFWLPVRIWKH-DSDQHVH WVXQDPLDQGHDUWKTXDNH,ZDVH[SHFWLQJHYHU\ song  to  be  bouncy  glockenspiel-­soaked  boy/girl   G\QDPLFWZHHSRSOLNH/$.(RUHDUO\%HOOH 

Sebastian.  How-­ ever,  the  album  is   a   diverse   mix   of   ORÂż IRONV\ URFN moody   electron-­ ica,   post-­rock   jarring  enough  to   make   Sigur   RĂłs   VRXQGOLNH.HKD and   sentimental   ballads  cute  enough  make  Jeff  Tweedy  want  to   fuck  a  puppy. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Resume  Vol.  1â&#x20AC;?  makes  no  bones  about  it;Íž   the  main  draws  of  the  album  are  the  tracks  by   hipster   heavyweights   like  Wolf   Parade,   Quasi,   DQG:RUOG*DQJEXWWKHUHDOELWVRIDXUDOJROG come   in   the   form   of   the   songs   by   the   lesser   known  bands  and  artists  that  hit  you  like  a  tidal   ZDYHRIXQH[SHFWHGTXDOLW\:DLW6KLWWKDWODVW line   was   pretty   screwed   up.   For   a   compilation   album,   all   of   the   songs   work   remarkably   well   WRJHWKHU DQG ZKLOH LWÂśV QR Âł,Q WKH $HURSODQH Over   the   Sea,â&#x20AC;?   many   of   the   songs   beckon   the   OLVWHQHU WR JHW XS DQG QRW GDQFH DORQJ $V D whole,  itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  polished  and  pretty,  but  still  retains   WKH UDJJHG HGJHV DQG TXLUNV WKDW PDNH LQGLH URFN ZKDW LW LV 6WHYH 0DONPXV LV SUREDEO\ spinning  in  his  grave.


These will be the best four years of your life!

First  dates  are  always  fun,  exciting,  and  have  unexpected  outcomes.   Nothing  is  better  than  meeting  someone  attractive  enough  to  catch  your   interest,  and  pitiful  enough  to  agree  to  date  you.  This  is  a  guide  to  help   \RXZLWKXQIRUWXQDWH¿UVWGDWHRFFXUUHQFHVDQGWKHSURSHUSURWRFROIRU each.   So  you  have  a  date  for  a  movie  on  Friday  night,  but  when  Thursday   UROOVDURXQG\RX¿QGRXWWKHLUIDWKHUKDVSDVVHGDZD\7KHUHDUHVRPDQ\ ZD\V\RXFDQZRUNWKLVWR\RXUDGYDQWDJH)LUVWRII\RXGRQ¶WQHFHV-­ VDULO\NQRZLIWKLVLVXQIRUWXQDWHRUQRW$IWHUDOOWKH\PD\KDYHKDWHG WKHLUIDWKHU6RWHVWWKHZDWHUVZLWKDIULHQGO\\HW VXSSRUWLYHWH[WUHPLQGLQJWKHPRIWKHLUFRP-­ PLWPHQWWR\RXWKLVIULGD\2QFH\RXKDYHDQDI¿UPDWLYH DQVZHUEHVXUHWRSLFNDQXSOLIWLQJPRYLHWRZDWFK5HPHPEHUWR FKHFNWKHWLPHVPD\EHHYHQRIIHUWRSLFNWKHPXSVHHLQJ DVWKH\¶UHSUREDEO\WRRHPRWLRQDOWRGULYH$OVRWKDW HQVXUHVWKH\FDQ¶WOHDYH\RXKDOIZD\WKURXJKWKHPRYLH IRU³IDPLO\REOLJDWLRQV´ This  is  a  tricky  scenario;;  leave  your  wallet  at  home  for  this  date  be-­ FDXVHLIWKLVFRQWLQXHV\RXPLJKWKDYHWRJRWRFKHDSGDWHVRUZRUVH\RX PLJKWHYHQKDYHWRFRYHUVRPHRIWKHLUSDWKHWLFWDE%HVXUHWRSLFNDGDWH WKDW¶VIXQDQGLQH[SHQVLYHHQRXJKWKDWWKH\ZRQ¶WPLQGVSHQGLQJWKHLUODVW ELWRIFDVKRQ\RX

15

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Your Love Is My Drug: Sex Under The Influence by Stephanie Liao

Heavy  panting.  Sweat  dripping  from  his  brow.  Jaw  clenched.  Hands  moving  rapidly  around  trying  to  grasp  at  anything  within  reach.  And  then,  when  you  look  up  to  see  his  face  scrunched  up  in   pain  as  if  you  just  ripped  his  dick  off,  he  cums.  His  number  one  goal  for  the  night.  Too  bad  it  all  only  took  3  minutes  for  him  to  get  there.  Sound  familiar,  ladies?  Letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  face  it.  This  hookup  has  happened   to  you  at  least  once  in  your  time  here  at  UC  Santa  Cruz.  And  whoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  to  blame?  The  alcohol?  The  drugs?  The  leftover  resin  bowl  from  his  roommateâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  crack  pipe?  Hate  to  break  it  to  you  but  the  answer   is  all  of  the  above.  And  then  some.  So  you  wonder,  how  can  I,  a  woman  of  quality  who  deserves  a  good  orgasm,  avoid  situations  like  this?  How  can  I  successfully  have  good  sex  when  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  partying   with  boys  who  love  drugs  and  alcohol?  Well,  ladies,  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  in  luck  because  I  have  done  the  legwork  for  you!  In  my  journalistic  research,  I  have  summed  up  my  experiences  with  boys  on  drugs  and   UHYLHZHGWKHPLQRUGHUWRKHOS\RXQDYLJDWH\RXUQH[WGUXQNHQO\IXFNHGXSURPSZLWKWKRVHFXWHER\V\RXORYHWRÃ&#x20AC;LUWZLWKDWWKHSDUW\5DWHGE\KRZELJWKHYLEUDWRUZLOOQHHGWREHLQDGGLWLRQWRKLV penis  to  get  you  off,  the  smaller  the  better.  

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6LQFHZH¶UHDW6DQWD&UX]ZKRLVQ¶W smoking  weed?  Last  time  I  checked,   HYHU\JX\,¶YHHYHULQYLWHGLQWRP\ bedroom  would  have  at  least  smoked   PHRXWRQFH+RZHYHULI\RXUGXGH is  moving  a  little  too  slow  for  your   SDFHFKDQFHVDUHKHPLJKWEHWRR VWRQHGDOUHDG\&KHFNWRVHHKRZ bloodshot  his  eyes  are  or  if  his  eyes   DUHHYHQRSHQHQRXJKWR$7/($67 ¿QG\RXUFOLW,IQRWOHWKLVDVVSDVV RXWDQGIRUJHWDERXWWKDWRUJDVP $OVRLIKH¶VPXWWHULQJUDQGRPVKLW KH¶VWKLQNLQJDERXWOLNHZK\-HVXV has  such  a  rocking  beard  and  how   babies  are  scary  miniature  humans,   WKHDZNZDUGQHVVLVLQHYLWDEOH$YRLG LW$WWKDWSRLQWKH¶VDOUHDG\LQ VSDFH/HDYHKLPWKHUH Rating:  8=====D Overall:  Only  if  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  not  too   stoned  and  lazy  to  do  most  of  the   work.  

,I\RX¿QG\RXUVHOIVXUURXQGHG E\WUHQG\KLSVWHUVZKLOH\RX UH shitfaced  and  horny,  try  out  the  cutie   LQVNLQQ\MHDQVZLWKWKDWKXJHEXOJH ZKR VH\HVORRNOLNHEXWWRQV7KHUH¶V nothing  like  a  little  nose  candy  to  get   KLVEORRGSXPSLQJDQGKLVDQLPDO LQVWLQFWVUXQQLQJZLOG+H¶OOSURE-­ DEO\VWDUWRIIE\DJJUHVVLYHO\ULSSLQJ to  shreds  whatever  your  wearing   EXWKH\7KDW¶VDOOSDUWRIWKHIXQ 1HYHUPLQGWKHURXJKPDQKDQGOLQJ FUHHS\KHDY\EUHDWKLQJDQGWKDW FUD]HGORRNLQKLVH\HV\RX¶UHGUXQN DQ\ZD\%HZDUHWKRXJKKHKDVWKH SRWHQWLDOWRSORZ\RXOLNHDMDFNUDE-­ ELWLI\RX¶UHQRWFDUHIXO2QFH\RX IHHOKLPSLFNLQJXSWKHSDFHLQWRWKH machine-­gun-­thrusts  territory,  buck   him  off  the  bed  and  then  demand  for   KLPWRSD\EHWWHUDWWHQWLRQ'RQ WIRU-­ JHWWRFKHFNWRVHHMXVWKRZIDVWKLV SXOVHLVJRLQJWRR:RXOGQ¶WZDQW him  to  go  into  cardiac  arrest  when  all   \RX¶UHWU\LQJWRGRLVJHW\RXUV Rating:  8=D Overall:  It  might  cost  you  a  couple   of  ripped  condoms  at  the  rate  heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll   be  going,  but  not  bad  to  say  the   least.  At  least  heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll  be  awake  and   coherent.  Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  a  privilege.  

%\IDUDJX\RQ;LV\RXUGUHDP PDQLQWKHVDFN+LVSK\VLFDOVHQVHV ZLOOEHDWWKHKLJKHVWSHDNSRVVLEOH PDNLQJKLPZDQWWRH[SORUHHYHU\ inch  of  your  body  as  well  as  have   \RXH[SORUHKLV'HSHQGLQJRQKRZ ORQJKH¶VEHHQUROOLQJKH¶OOSUREDEO\ ZDQWWRERQHDOOQLJKW$QGQRWMXVW ERQH$VORQJDV\RXHQFRXUDJHD OLWWOHIRUHSOD\KH¶OOEHGRZQEHWZHHQ your  thighs  for  hours  before  he  even   QRWLFHV:KHQKH¶VUHDG\VODSRQ WKDWUXEEHUDQGJRDWLW+H¶OOEHDEOH WRSHQHWUDWH\RXLQVLGHRXWXSVLGH down,  and  however  else  you  want   LW\RXGLUW\JLUO,W¶VH[DFWO\ZKDW WKHGRFWRURUGHUHG&RQVLGHU\RXU YDJLQDZDUQHGWKRXJKWKHQH[WGD\ ZLOOEHDGD\IRUWKHLFHSDFNXS\RXU VNLUW$FRQVLGHUDEOHDPRXQWRIHI-­ IRUWZLOOEHSXWLQWRWKLVVH[VHVVLRQ E\KLPEXWLISRVVLEOHLJQRUHKLV H[DFHUEDWHGFODLPVRQKRZPXFKKH ORYHV\RXDQGKRZVSHFLDO\RXDUH 7KDW¶VMXVWWKHGUXJWDONLQJ Rating:

Overall:  Better  hope  the  next  day  is   saved  for  the  recovery  of  your     serotonin  levels  and  your  vagina.  

<RXNQRZWKDWKRWJX\DWWKHSDUW\ ZKRZRQ WVKXWWKHIXFNXSDERXW KRZJUHDWKHLVDWEHHUSRQJZKLOH KHVKRRWVHQGOHVVSLQJSRQJEDOOV LQWRUHGSODVWLFFXSVIRUSUDFWLFH" <RXNQRZZKR, PWDONLQJDERXWWKH RQHDWWKHIUDWSDUWLHV<HDKKH VQRW WKHVH[LHVWVPDUWHVWRUHYHQWKH most  remotely  interesting  guy,  but   KHVXUHLVWKHPHDW\RX UHFUDYLQJ IRUWKHQLJKW7DNHWKDWWKVKRWRI SODVWLFERWWOHYRGNDDQGJHW\RXUÃ&#x20AC;LUW RQ:KHQKHQRWLFHV\RXULQWHUHVW KLVQH[WPRYHZLOOLQHYLWDEO\EH offering  you  a  drink  with  what  he   FDOOV³VSHFLDOVHOW]HU´'LVWUDFWKLP by  making  fun  of  nerds  and  throwing   DSLQJSRQJEDOODWDQHDUE\YLFWLP :KHQKHWXUQVWRZDWFKDQGODXJK VZLWFKWKHGULQNV7RVDWLVI\\RXU LQQHUQHFURSKLOLDJXLGHKLPLQWRDQ HPSW\URRPEHIRUHKHEODFNVRXWDQG KDYH\RXUZD\ZLWKKLP,IKLVGLFN FDQ WVWD\XSIRUWRRORQJKDYHVRPH WRLOHWSDSHUFDUGERDUGUROOVKDQG\ +RZHYHUSDSHUWRZHOUROOVDUHLGHDO Rating:  8===========D Overall:  This  is  the  ultimate  "fuck   you"  on  him  for  trying  to  pull  a  fast   one  on  ya.  You  can  unleash  your   raunchiest,  dirtiest,  most  fucked  up   fantasy  on  a  revenge  fuck.  

DND³5RR¿HV´

$GGHUDOO

'XULQJPLGWHUPVDQG¿QDOVD QLFHIXFNIHVWLVWKHSHUIHFWZD\WR VKDNHRIIVWUHVV<RX OO¿QG\RXU SUH\DW0F+HQU\OLEUDU\EUHDWK-­ LQJVXVSLFLRXVO\ORXGDQGWDSSLQJ KLVIRRWXQFRQWUROODEO\7HPSWKLP with  cleavage  and  tell  him  to  meet   you  in  a  viewing  room  downstairs   LQWKH0HGLD&HQWHU'RQ WOHWKLP FRQFHQWUDWHWRRORQJLQRQHSODFHXQ-­ less  he  wants  to  concentrate  on  your   FOLWRULVRU\RXUJVSRW,IKHJHWV ORFNHGLQRQRQHVSRWNHHSDVSUD\ bottle  of  water  handy  to  give  him  a   OLWWOHZDNHXSZKHQKH VQRWGRLQJ ZKDW\RXZDQW+HSUREDEO\ZRQ W get  that  creative  when  it  comes  to   SRVLWLRQLQJRUSDFHEXWDOO\RXQHHG LVDTXLFNIXFNDQ\ZD\,I\RXKDYH HQRXJKSDWLHQFHOHWKLPWDNHQRWHV RQKRZKHFDQJHWEHWWHUDWIXFNLQJ 7KH\ OOFRPHLQKDQG\IRUKLPODWHU ,IVWHDG\LV\RXUVW\OHWKHQ$GGHUDOO LV\RXUEHVWSOD\PDWH Rating:  8================D Overall:  Tedious  but  nice,  and  by   nice  I  mean  predictable  and  boring.   If  you're  lucky,  the  sex  could  be  simi-­ lar  to  a  guy  on  cocaine  in  terms  of   the  jack  hammering  but  less  exciting   since  he'll  be  staring  at  that  same   spot  above  your  head  the  entire  time.  

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011


DR. HARRY BUDS’ MEDICAL CLINIC 1HHGWRJHW\RXUÀ[":DQWWRJHWVRPHRIWKDWJRRGVWXII"+DYLQJWURXEOHJRLQJRQZLWKRXWLW"

HAVE:

WANT:

Cancer? Glaucoma? Trouble Sleeping? Social Anxiety? Low Blood Pressure? Temperament Issues? A Totally Bummer Mood? Good Lungs? Whatever Made Gary Coleman Short?

Cottonmouth? Bloodshot Eyes? Increased Tolerance for Hot Pockets? Social Anxiety? Uncontrollable Laughing? Pot Belly? A Finer Appreciation of King Crimson? Lowered Expectations? A Good Time?

THEN FISH RAP LIVE! MAY BE RIGHT FOR YOU “I’ve been prescribing Fish Rap Live! to my patients, family, and friends for years! They all seem to be doing ok, except Uncle Rick.” --Dr. Harry Buds A Doctor

Let Dr. Harry Buds assess you for primo doses of cheap dank comedy. Disclaimer: Although decriminalized in California, Fish Rap Live is still illegal. FRL! is only to be utilized within the state and may not be transported on airplanes per Federal Aviation Administration Code 8008135 To get your prescription for Fish Rap Live!, come to the ARCenter at 8pm, every Tuesday night.

Cut n’ Save Coupons

Make your own fake* I.D.!

*For novelty use only

Valid Only on

4/20/2011

Volume 22, Issue 4  

Published by the Fish Rap Live! at UC Santa Cruz on April 20, 2011.

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