Volume 22, Issue 4

Page 1

Hella Edition WEATHER

IN THIS ISSUE:

Santa Cruz, CA /RZ PLG DIWHUQRRQ IRJ ZLWK D KLJK ULVN RI SDUNLQJ WLFNHWV

Vol. XXII, Issue 4

In this issue: CAMPUS

:HHG %RR]H &RXSRQV

“News Faux You”

Non-­cents

Mark Yudof Unveils Plan to Personally Spit in the Face of Every UC Student

4/20 Cancelled Due to Budget Cuts -Page 2

ENTERTAINMENT

Britney Spears Fat Again - Page 4

LAW ENFORCEMENT

FBI Launches Investigation Into Fashion Crimes - Page 11

ECONOMY

by Danny Brooks Denny’s Hiring - Page 13

CAMPUS

Weed Rules, Reports Freshman

Page 14

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Fish Rap Live! Presents: A Fish Rap Self Guided UCSC Tour

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4 Editors-­in-­Chief Emmy  Ballard James  Shea Managing  Editor Gregory  Ronquillo Assistant  Editor Mark  Delyani Best  Editor Nicole  Green Illustrators Fred  Liang,  Donald  Smith,  Solomon  Wong Staff  Members Everest   Dillion-­Hurley,  Lindy  Ed-­ wards,  James  Farmer,  Judyan  Gon-­ zalez,  Samer  Hosn,  Clay  Malzkuhn,  Darlene  McCoy,  Victor  Orozco,  Chloi  Rad,  Patrick  Rooney,  David  Rothstein,  Lauren  Tomicich,  Sam  Weber,  Brendan  Woodruff Contributors Danny  Brooks,  Michael  Fantauzzo,  Stephanie  Liao,  Sophie  Lundeberg,  Ethan  Ramirez,  Kimberly  Reyes,  Amanda  Vivrette $hout  Out Thank  you  to  Cowell,  Crown,   College  Nine,  and  Porter  Senates!  *Not  funded  by  Kresge  Parliament. Join  our  ranks! Meetings  every  Tuesday  at  8  p.m.,  upstairs  in  the  ARCenter. Become  a  Fan  on  Facebook! search:  The  Fish  Rap  Live! Follow  FRL  on  Twitter ZZZ WZLWWHU FRP ¿VKUDSOLYH Friend  us  on  Neopets  (seriously) Username:  Fishraplive Snail  Mail  Attn:  The  Fish  Rap  Live! Press  Center University  of  California,  Santa  Cruz 1156  High  Street Santa  Cruz,  CA  95064-­1077 ¿VKUDSOLYH#JPDLO FRP Fish  Rap  Mantra Do  you  ever  feel  like  a  plastic  bag Drifting  throught  the  wind Wanting  to  start  again Do  you  ever  feel,  feel  so  paper  thin Like  a  house  of  cards One  blow  from  caving  in Do  you  ever  feel  already  buried  deep Six  feet  under  scream But  no  one  seems  to  hear  a  thing Do  you  know  that  there's  still  a  chance  for  you

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011

APRIL 2011

LETTER FROM THE EDITORS Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyy, Hate  to  be  buzzkills,  but  we've  gotta  have  a  talk.  UCSC  is  slummin'  hard.  With  budget  cuts,  dying  majors,  the  LQFUHDVLQJ SULYDWL]DWLRQ RI SXEOLF HGXFDWLRQ DQG WKH ZHLUG LQĂ€X[ RI GXGHV LQ IHGRUDV ODWHO\ 8& 6DQWD &UX] KDV EHHQ feeling  less  and  less  like  a  fun  little  college  in  a  fun  little  town,  and  more  and  more  like  a  real  college,  or  worse,  like  real  life.  It's  weird  and  unfortunate  and  also  a  little  bit  boring. /XFNLO\ WKH 6DQWD &UX] VSLULW LVQ W GHDG \HW 7KH IDFW WKDW ZH UH VWLOO FHOHEUDWLQJ OLNH DQ RIÂżFLDO KROLGD\ DQG VKXWWLQJ GRZQ FDPSXV WUDIÂżF MXVW VR ZH FDQ VSDUN XS D IHZ MRLQWV VD\V D ORW DERXW RXU SULRULWLHV Âą WKDW ZH UH KDUGDVV GRQ W JLYH D IXFN PRIRV ZKR OO EOD]H ZKHQ DQG ZKHUH ZH ZDQW 6XUH WKH PRVW ZH UH ZLOOLQJ WR ÂżJKW IRU RXU HGXFDWLRQ VHHPV WR EH SXWWLQJ XS D IHZ Ă€\HUV DQG OD\LQJ QDNHG LQ D ÂżHOG RU FKDONLQJ VORJDQV HYHU\ZKHUH but  at  the  least  we're  still  willing  to  embrace  the  freewheeling  sunshine  bullshit  that  stereotypes  our  public  image  and  leads  tour  guides  to  snicker  everytime  they  say  "No,  there's  no  drug  culture  here." So  keep  smoking!  Keep  drinking!  Keep  partying!  Keep  playing  Cee-­lo  Green  on  your  acoustic  guitar  outside  my  bedroom  window  when  I'm  trying  to  sleep  jesus  christ  it's  like  what  fucking  2  a.m.  on  a  Tues-­ day?!  Keep  the  Santa  Cruz  spirit  alive  even  if  it's  in  the  faintest  and  easiest  and  most  immediately  gratifying  way.  Unless  you  have  a  Bio  midterm  on  Wednesday  in  which  case,  oops,  sorry,  that  sucks  bro.  Â

 Â

 Â

 Â

 Â

 Â

 Â

        XOXO,          Emmy  Ballard  &  James  Shea

3 6 3UDFWLFH \RXU ORRN RXW VNLOOV DQG KHOS XV ÂżQG WKH QDUF RQ HYHU\ SDJH

Dear  Baby  Gurl, <RX ÂżVK UDS KDYH provided  me  with  top  notch  procrasti-­ nating  material  for  the  last  four  years.  Sometimes  I  even  read  you  when  I  don't  have  more  important  things  to  do.  I  almost  wrote  for  you  one  time,  but  it  seemed  hard.  Thanks  for  mentioning  my  hometown  (Thousand  Oaks)  in  the  last  issue,  that  shit  was  legitttttt.  That  reference,  and  the  fact  that  the  DUFDGH ÂżUHV QHZ DOEXP LV FDOOHG WKH VXEXUEV has  basically  made  my  last  couple  months.  Also,  your  constant  references  to  alcoholism  make  me  feel  better.  I  actually  laugh  out  loud  when  I  read  you.  Something  tells  me  you  are  going  to  recieve  a  number  of  letters  for  the  next  issue,  so  I  don't  know  if  this  will  make  the  cut,  but  shoot,  thanks  for  doing  what  you  guys  are  doing.    Martyyyy  B. PS.  Two  issues  in  one  quarter?!?  Take  it  eaaaasy  guysssssssss PSS:  I  want  to  be  Brosef  McPartyhead  when  I  grow  up. PSSS:  I  think  you  should  use  your  politcal  clout  to  bring  back  the  real  four  lokos. Â

PSSSS:  Can  I  be  on  the  dive  team?  Please?  Hit  me  backkkk.     Sup  Marty, Awww,  thanks  M.B.!  If  there's  one  thing  we  at  Fish  Rap  always  strive  to  do,  its  provide  only  the  highest  quality  in  slacking  off  materi-­ als.  And  I  hope  youre  ready  for  THREE  issues  of  laugh-­out-­loud  alcoholic-­inspired  content  and  general  malarky,  because  that's  what  we're  aiming  for  this  quarter.  Look  for  our  next  two  issues  in  May  and  June,  respectively. Also  we'd  love  to  have  you  on  Dive  Team,  but  it's  kind  of  in  a  weird  transitional  stage  right  now  where  basically  the  guys  in  charge  of  it  keep  forgetting  to  actually  be  charge  of  it.  If  we  get  our  shit  together  we  will  let  you  know! PS,  our  offer  about  getting  lunch  with  the  best  fan  letter  is  still  on  the  table,  send  us  an  email  if  you're  interested!!  Let's  Do  Lunch, Emmy  &  James  Hey  Fish  Rap  Live, I  have  this  picture  that  has  an  issue  of  FRL!  in  it,  so  I  thought  (for  some  reason???)  you  might  like  to  have  it.  I  have  a  ton  of  old  issues  VWRFNSLOHG LQ P\ URRP WR XVH DV Ă€RRULQJ IRU the  baby  chicks  I  just  got....  Anyways,  have  the  best  day  ever!    Katie

Hey  Katie, How  did  you  know  that  the  only  thing  Fish  Rap  loves  more  than  Fish  Rap  is  pictures  of  cute  things?!  So  of  course  when  we  saw  that  you  had  combined  them  we  just  about  died  from  the  hysterics  of  gleeful  shrieks  and  fervent  girly  hand-­waving. Can  we  name  them?  Emmy  wants  to  name  them  Clucky,  Chirp-­Chirp,  Fluffy,  and   PeeWee,  but  I  think  they  should  be  named  T-­ boz,  Left-­Eye,  Chilli,  and  Fred  Durst.   Chicks  rule, Emmy  &  James  Got  something  to  say?  Say  to  our  face.  Send  hate/fan  mail  to  ¿VKUDSOLYH#JPDLO FRP

Engage your audience! $GYHUWLVH ZLWK The Fish Rap Live! (PDLO ÀVKUDSOLYH#JPDLO FRP

No, no, UCSC doesn’t have a drug culture.

Cali Swag District Seeks Congressional Representation

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“Wonder Woman� Reboot a Celebration of Feminism, Titties by Michael Fantauzzo

by Sam Weber A  publicist  for  the  hiphop  group  Cali  Swag  District  recently  announced  that  the  group  requested  congressional  representation  from  the  US  Census  Bureau.  The  district  would  become  California’s  54th  congressional  district,  and  the  436th  overall.

NBC's  upcoming  Wonder  Woman  television  reboot  is  expected  to  be  a  female-­anchored  show  with  mainstream  appeal.  Critics  praise  its  use  of  of  cutting  feminist  social  commentary,  as  well  as  an  emphasis  on  its  star's  barely-­ encased  titties. “I'm  really  excited  to  be  a  role  model  for  young  girlsâ€?  says  big-­fake-­breasted  star  Adrienne  Palicki. NBC  president  Robert  Greenblatt  revealed  new  cos-­ tume  designs  that  emphasized  the  title  characters  iconic  image,  as  well  as  her  whopping  bazungas. “The  new  series  will  introduce  this  compelling  char-­ acter  to  a  whole  new  generation  of  television  watching  bosom-­crazed  jug-­hounds,â€?  he  announced  on  Tuesday. National  Organization  for  Women  spokesperson  Emma  Stein  praised  the  show's  creators: Âł:RQGHU :RPDQ LV D VWURQJ FRQÂżGHQW DQG SRZHUIXO female  icon.  We're  pleased  that  (star)  Adrienne  Palicki  was  chosen  to  play  the  part  as  she  shares  her  role's  determina-­ tion,  toughness,  and  large-­yet-­perky  baby-­feeding  bounc-­ ing  soft  jiggly  chest-­boobies.â€? “Nipples,â€?  she  added.

NEWS BRIEFS Pot-heads to Disassociate from Stoners

UCSC Offers New Housing Option: Homelessness

Weed Improves Studying, Reports Roommate

by Samer Hosn

by Michael Fantauzzo

by James Shea

Throughout  media  history,  the  term  â€œstonerâ€?  and  the  term  â€œpot-­headâ€?  have  been  used  interchangeably.  Now,  PHAT  (Pot-­Head  American  Team)  and  the  PHUK  Pot-­ Heads  of  United  Kingdom  groups  are  campaigning  for  aware-­ ness  to  disassociate  themselves  from  Stoners. “Stoners  are  people  who  sit  around,  eat  Doritos  with  peanut  butter,  play  WoW,  DoTA,  HoN,  Call  of  Duty,  Halo,  and  Roller  Coaster  Tycoon  2  (3  sucked  mad  dicks),  and  wake  up  at  2  p.m.  and  pat  themselves  on  their  back  for  waking  up  before  3,â€?  said  the  leader  of  PHUK,  Imogen  Dankstuf.  â€œPot-­heads  are  hard  working,  progressive  people  who  are  all  over  the  work-­force  as  lawyers,  teachers,  hard  working  people,  probably  not  pilots,  and  your  fellow  tax-­payers.â€?  The  group  plans  to  distribute  informational  pamphlets  around  various  April  20  celebrations  to  explain  the  distinct  differences  between  the  two.  Some  things  listed  in  the  venn  diagram  as  differences  are  the  pot-­head’s  disregard  for  tie-­dye,  not  showering,  video  games,  teddy  bear  hats,  having  to  smoke  at  every  party,  and  non-­Jamai-­ cans  wearing  Rasta  colors  with  no  knowledge  of  the  culture,  other  than  the  presence  of  Marijuana.  The  similarities  listed  on  the  pamphlet  include  the  enjoy-­ ment  of  Comedy  Central  Roasts,  Panda  Express,  Planet  Earth,  and  making  fun  of  people  who  stretch  while  on  a  run,  waiting  for  their  turn  to  cross  the  street.

With  the  recent  closure  of  University  Inn  and  increased  de-­ mand  for  on-­campus  housing,  many  incoming  and  continuing  students  have  been  left  without  affordable  college  housing.  In  response,  UCSC  representatives  have  unveiled  the  Houseless  Housing  Program,  a  â€˜cheaper,  more  reliable’  option  for  lower-­ income  student. “At  only  500  dollars  a  month,  the  program  is  very  cheap,â€?  DFFRUGLQJ WKH WKH RIÂżFLDO SUHVV UHOHDVH Âł)XUWKHUPRUH VXGHQWV are  free  to  choose  from  a  variety  of  luxury  living  situations,  from  a  private  single-­person  tent  behind  9/10  to  a  spacious  triple  four-­ door  Honda.â€?  In  lieu  of  cash,  the  program  accepts  payment  in  the  form  of  missing  teeth  or  â€œback-­breaking,  never-­ending  labor.â€? The  program  provides  students  with  such  amenities  as  the  ULJKW WR DOO WKH SODVWLF EDJV WKH\ FDQ ÂżQG DQG D ZHHNO\ VWLSHQG RI 10  empty  cans  to  spend  however  they  please.  As  an  added  bonus,  students  in  the  program  will  have  the  opportunity  to  explore  San-­ ta  Cruz’s  famous  bridge  undersides  and  serial  killer  dungeons. “It’s  like  the  outdoors-­themed  halls  some  of  the  colleges  of-­ fer,â€?  explained  Homeless  Housing  Advisor  Periwinkle  Smith,  â€œonly  without  the  hall  part.â€? Despite  the  clear  advantages  to  the  program,  there  are  some  downsides.  Students  will  be  barred  from  using  bathrooms  on  campus,  and  they  will  think  that  they  are  covered  in  invisible  spiders.  Still  many  students  seem  interested  in  the  program.  â€œIt  beats  living  at  Crown,â€?  said  sophomore  Linda  Callahan. The  housing  program  will  be  available  to  Community  Stud-­ ies  Majors,  American  Studies  Majors,  and  Vietnam  War  veterans.

After  more  than  two  quarters  of  intensive  research,  con-­ clusive  evidence  has  been  found  that  smoking  weed  improves  concentration  skills,  long-­term  memory  retention,  and  academic  virtuosity,  your  roommate  announced  last  weekend. <RXU URRPPDWH V ÂżQGLQJV ZHUH UHYHDOHG DIWHU FRPLQJ KRPH from  a  chill  sesh  in  the  meadow,  where  he  discovered  you  cram-­ ming  for  your  upcoming  Bio  midterm. “Dude,  you  should  try  smoking,â€?  your  roommate  reported  from  your  Porter  triple.  â€œI,  like,  always  study  way  better  when  I'm  blazed.â€?  Citing  evidence  that  weed  will  get  you  â€œmad  fo-­ cusedâ€?  and  â€œjust  like,  really  help  you  understand  it  on  a  deeper  level,â€?  your  roommate  says  that  his  data  indicates  that  â€œstudying  while  high  totally  works.â€? However,  some  researchers  have  stated  that  they  believe  your  roommate's  methodology  is  suspect. “His  sample  size  is  far  too  small  to  make  for  a  generalizable  data  set,â€?  Harvard  researcher  Harold  Buzzkill  stated  in  a  formal  critique,  â€œand  then  there’s  the  complete  lack  of  a  control  group  that  makes  the  results  even  more  suspect.  In  my  honest  opinion,  I  don’t  think  your  roommate  knows  what  he’s  talking  about.â€? <RXU URRPPDWHÂśV ÂżQGLQJV DOVR FRQWUDGLFW PRVW DYDLODEOH GDWD on  the  effects  of  marijuana,  which  include  slowed  responses,  memory  impairment,  and  â€œgoing  dumb.â€? “Man,  whatever,â€?  your  roommate  responded  in  a  formal  in-­ terview  at  the  College  8  Dining  Hall,  â€œLike,  that  stuff's  just  pro-­ paganda  ya'know?

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011

4

The dining halls have great food, very nutritious!

Radiation Panics Local Marijuana Growers

Santa Cruz Scientists Discover Link Between Not Bathing and Smelling Bad

In  the  wake  of  the  tragic  earthquake  in  Japan,  as  well  DV WKH GHYDVWDWLRQ FDXVHG E\ WKH 3DFLÂżF 7VXQDPL WKH LP-­ pact  is  being  felt  across  the  delicate,  intertwined  Earth.  The  northern  region  of  California  currently  produces  WKH PRVW SURÂżWDEOH FURS LQ WKH ZKROH VWDWH DQG ORFDO JURZ-­ ers  are  having  concerns  related  to  the  potential  nuclear  devastation  that  was  avoided  by  the  bravery,  organiza-­ tion,  and  intelligence  of  the  Japanese  nuclear  industry.  Al-­ though  the  nuclear  outbreak  was  avoided,  growers  of  the  popular  crop  marijuana  are  in  a  continuous  panic,  claim-­ ing  that  the  â€œgov'mentsâ€?  are  not  releasing  all  information  to  the  citizens  in  fear  of  causing  a  panic.  Barbara  (Bar  for  short)  and  her  husband  Skeeter  (Skeet  for  short,  Skeet-­Skeet  for  mother-­fuckers)  have  a  grow  op-­ eration  in  the  northern  Mendocino  County. “We’ve  already  foil  wrapped  our  windows,  but  it  gives  the  wrong  message  to  the  DEA,â€?  Bar  said.  â€œWe’re  not  tweakers.  We  are  just  trying  our  best  to  stop  the  radiation  from  entering  our  plants.â€? Although  the  interactions  between  radiation  and  mari-­ juana  have  not  been  researched,  especially  in  terms  of  hu-­ man  consumption,  there  are  actors  on  both  sides  of  the  spectrums  in  terms  of  fearing,  or  embracing  the  radiation.  Brian  Rian  Broman,  a  young  grower  new  to  the  indus-­ WU\ LV QRW DV VNHSWLFDO RI WKH UDGLDWLRQ ÂżQGLQJ LWV ZD\ WR KLV marijuana  crops,  in  fact  he  is  hopeful  of  the  mutations  that  may  possibly  occur  to  the  plants.  He  embraces  the  mere  possibility  of  harvesting  a  new  generation  of  marijuana. “Dude,  it’s  like  when  you  eat  a  pop  tart  it’s  good,  like  it’s  not  great  but  it’s  good,â€?  Broman  said,  â€œbut  put  that  mess  in  the  microwave  and  it’s  basically  like  Oprah’s  put-­ ting  her  balls  on  your  tongue,  no  homo.  It’s  so  much  better  after  the  microwave,  and  if  you  heat  your  quesadilla  in  the  microwave  before  you  put  it  in  the  pan,  the  cheese  gets  all  melted.  It’s  like  Oprah’s  dick’s  on  my  tongue.â€? Broman  is  optimistic  that  the  radiation  may  increase  yield  and  plausibly  increase  the  THC  content  of  the  plant.  â€œI’m  actually  moving  the  plants  outside,  mutant  weed  is  the  future  man,â€?  Broman  said  as  he  moved  the  heavy,  bushy  plants  outdoors  while  listening  to  his  favorite  group,  Bassnectar.  â€œI  don’t  mind  if  these  bubbas  get  some  radiation,  they’re  not  titties  dude.â€? Only  time  will  tell  if  those  consuming  the  marijuana  will  be  at  all  affected  by  the  radiation  in  their  plants.  Ra-­ diation  causes  unusual  hair  growth,  slurred  speech,  and  other  cerebral  issues,  so  observing  marijuana  users  will  not  be  an  accurate  way  to  measure  human  radiation  levels.  Cross  sectional  case  studies  will  be  needed.  Regardless  of  potential  consequences  of  the  radiation  LQÂżOWUDWLQJ WKH &DOLIRUQLD FRDVW WKH LQWHUQDWLRQDO GHPDQG for  Northern  California  crops  is  still  at  a  record  high.  Â

After  17  years  of  study,  researchers  with  the  Earth  Sciences  Department  believe  they  are  closer  to  discovering  why  hipsters  smell  like  shit  all  the  time. “This  makes  us  rethink  everything  we've  ever  known  about  body  odor,â€?  head  researcher  Stephen  Morgan  said.  â€œAs  it  turns  out,  bathing  at  least  once  ever  other  day  might  make  you  less  unbear-­ ably  smelly.â€? Scientists  were  stuck  on  the  question  for  many  years  until  research  assistant  Sheldon  Mills  PLVSODFHG RQH RI KLV ODE VXEMHFWV RQO\ WR ÂżQG LW FUXVKHG beneath  a  vat  of  liquid  glycerin  soap. The  lab  subject,  hipster  Quentin  Crispy-­Vegantaco,  had  been  dead  for  an  estimated  3  weeks,  a  condition  scien-­ tists  refer  to  as  â€œliable  to  stink  up  the  place.â€?  Yet  due  to  what  appeared  to  be  claw-­marks  on  the  vat,  soap  had  leaked  onto  the  body  and  reversed  the  effects  of  Crispy-­Vegantaco's  body  odor. 0LOOV SUHVHQWHG KLV ÂżQGLQJV WR WKH UHVHDUFK ERDUG DQG SRVLWHG the  â€œSoap  Makes  You  Cleanâ€?  Theory  of  Hygenic  Maintanence.  He  hopes  one  day,  the  Santa  Cruz  community  will  come  to  accept Â

by Samer Hosn

by Michael Fantauzzo

KLV WKHRU\ DV IDFW VSHFLÂżFDOO\ .UHVJH DQG LWV DGMRLQLQJ WUDLOHU park.  So  far,  he  has  had  some  success  by  convincing  subjects  to  reenact  the  â€œshower  sexâ€?  scene  from  500  Days  of  Summer. 7KLV ÂżQG UHSUHVHQWV 8& 6DQWD &UX] V  ELJJHVW GLVFRYHU\ VLQFH .HOO\ $GD  discovered  in  her  freshman  core  class  that  capitalism  was  unfair.

UCSC Allegedly Destroys Roads to Curb Rise in Rich Douchebag Car Owners by Gregory Ronquillo Car  owners  have  a  big  problem  hanging  over  their  tinted  driver's  side  windows:  The  roads  of  UCSC  are  destroying  their  VRXSHG XS H[SHQVLYH ÂżEHUJODVV FDUV²DQG WKDW V H[DFWO\ ZKDW the  University  wants.  In  between  Winter  and  Spring  Quarter,  construction  crews  had  their  own  â€œalternative  spring  break,â€?  by  FRPSOHWHO\ ZUHFNLQJ VSHFLÂżF URDGV LQ 8& 6DQWD &UX] LQ RUGHU WR curb  the  rise  in  â€œdouche  bag  car  owners.â€?  The  broken  roads  have  already  claimed  the  lives  of  two  doped-­out  tuner  Mazdas,  a  '94  Nissan  300zx,  and  the  front  bumper  of  a  '96  Toyota  Corolla  that  a  Cowell  Student  swears  he  was  only  driving  â€œironically.â€? Allegations  that  the  destruction  of  roads  in  the  tip  of  Meyer  Drive  near  Porter  were  solely  done  for  the  sake  of  angering  rich  students  with  cars  began  last  week  after  an  administration  memo  to  construction  workers  leaked  to  the  press. “Let  me  be  clear:  We're  not  saying  all  students  who  drive  to  campus  are  rich  spoiled  assholes  with  nice  cars  and  deserve  to  get  their  autos  beat  to  shit  by  bad  roads,  we're  only  saying  that  most  of  them  are,  and  it's  pretty  nice  to  see  them  suffer  a  little  bit,â€?  Senior  Press  Coordinator  Shaheed  Olajuwon  said  in  a  press  conference.  The  memo  in  question,  however,  portrays  the  situation  in  a  much  different  way.  â€œDear  Construction  Crew,â€?  the  memo  reads.  â€œPlease  make  a  bunch  of  potholes  in  the  pavement  so  it  can  ruin Â

the  cars  of  those  rich  asshole  students.  Big  potholes,  like  the  size  of  yoga  balls.  Don't  leak  this  memo  to  the  press,  though.  Gra-­ cias.â€?  When  the  memo  was  quoted  in  the  press  conference,  Ola-­ MXZRQ DIÂżUPHG LW ZDV ÂłWDNHQ RXW RI FRQWH[W ´ The  damning  accusation  has  caused  an  uproar  amongst  the  â€œsnotty  rich  kids  with  nice  cars  communityâ€?  on  campus.  After  the  press  conference,  we  asked  one  student  who  had  gotten  the  back  wheels  on  his  Acura  RSX  bent  after  going  over  a  pot  hole  what  he  thought  about  the  allegations  against  the  administration.  â€œWell,  as  I  told  my  friend  Tyler  over  the  phone  when  he  was  rid-­ ing  with  his  girlfriend  Rachel  on  their  way  to  our  friend  Nikki's  house,  the  roads  here  are  janky  now  and  they  fucked  up  my  car.  Text  it!â€? Others  remain  skeptical  of  the  memo  and  the  car  owners'  con-­ VSLUDF\ FODLPV *HUDUG 'H %HUOXVFRQL ZDLWLQJ RXWVLGH RI .UHVJH College  for  a  shuttle  bus,  had  little  sympathy  for  the  car  owners.  â€œI  don't  like  the  way  rich  fuck  car  owners  look  at  me  when  they  pass  the  bus  stop.  Yeah,  I'm  taking  public  transportation,  what  of  it?  The  bus  is  free,  and  you  live  on  High  Street.  Why  would  you  need  a  car?â€? The  situation  shows  the  changing  face  of  UC  Santa  Cruz,  with  richer,  more  politically  centrist  students  becoming  the  main-­ stream.  â€œHaving  a  nice  car?  That  isn't  very  â€˜Santa  Cruz’  of  you,â€?  says  Gerard.  â€œRide  a  carbon  recycled  bike  or  some  such  bullshit.â€?

by Solomon Wong

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011

6

It only takes about ten minutes to get to any of your classes.

Why the Fuck Are You Still Talking?: So, what are you doing for housing next year?

Dear Every Bitch who sits next to me in Media Theater, Have  you  not  heard  of  personal  space?  I  realize  that  we  DUH FRQÂżQHG WR OLWWOH FRUUDOV RI LQWHOOHFWXDO VROLWXGH EXW \RXÂśUH practically  groping  me.  Is  it  really  necessary  for  you  to  put  your  sweatshirt  back  on,  then  off  and  then  on  again  in  the  course  of  70  minutes?  Your  arms  extend  so  close  to  my  face  that  I’m  tempted  to  bite  them  each  time.  In  fact,  if  you  do  it  again,  expect  me  to  go  Twilight  on  that  shit.  On  that  note,  Bitch,  keep  your  legs  uncrossed  so  your  goddamn  feet  aren’t  dangling  in  front  of  where  MY  legs  are  supposed  to  go.  I’m  going  to  lean  forward  and  sneeze  on  your  bare  feet  if  you  don’t  fucking  move  them.  Also,  let  me  explain  a  little  something  to  you;Íž  your  desk  is  on  your  right  side,  my  desk  is  on  my  right  side,  therefore,  YOU  DON’T  GET  BOTH  FUCKING  ARM  RESTS.  It’s  truly  shocking  that  you  were  admitted  to  higher  education  when  you  can’t  even  stay  in  your  fucking  animal  corral.

“I’m  going  to  get  a  cheap  house  with  like  six  of  my  friends.  We’re  still  looking,  but  it  shouldn’t  be  too  hard.â€? -RVV %URG\ 6RFLRORJ\ 0DMRU

With Love, Me Dear Guy Using a Suitcase Instead of a Backpack,

“On-­campus.  Again.â€? 6KDXQ -DPHVRQ )LIWK <HDU 6HQLRU $IUDLG RI &RPPLWPHQW

Can  you  stop  for  a  moment,  take  off  your  fedora  and  your  LOO ÂżWWHG EODFN EOD]HU DQG ORRN DW \RXUVHOI LQ WKH PLUURU" :KDW exactly  are  you  trying  to  accomplish  with  your  suitcase?  Not  a  single  person  in  the  world  would  look  at  you  holding  that  Zero  Halliburton  and  ever  think  it  contains  anything  other  than  a  spiral  notebook  full  of  coarse  drawings  of  the  two  women  in  your  computer  class  as  Catwoman.  You  might  have  a  salami  sandwich  in  there,  maybe  even  a  felt  pen  for  note  taking  (and  Catwoman  drawings).  Do  you  know  why  business  men  and  mobsters  carry  brief-­ cases?  Because  Al  Capone  looks  like  a  fucking  goober  with  a  JanSport  backpack  on.  Do  you  know  why  college  students  wear  backpacks?  Because  they  look  like  try-­hard  fools  holding  EULHIFDVHV ÂżOOHG ZLWK QRWKLQJ EXW D IDOVH VHQVH RI VXSHULRULW\ , bet  you  have  a  deck  of  Yu-­Gi-­Oh  cards  where  your  tommy  gun  should  be,  in  case  you  need  to  bust  out  your  Red  Eyes  Black  'UDJRQ ZKHQ VRPH UXIÂżDQ LQ IURQW RI &RPLFRSROLV FDOOV \RX out. I'm  not  asking  you  to  stop  being  a  geek,  to  quit  stalking  those  two  girls  in  your  computer  class  or  even  to  move  off  cam-­ pus  for  your  fourth  year.  I'm  just  saying  you  can't  be  half  ways  with  your  dress;Íž  either  suit  up  or  slack  down.  If  you’re  wearing  a  North  Face  hoodie,  take  off  that  fucking  top  hat.  If  you’re  gonna  wear  a  suit  every  day,  stop  wearing  New  Balances.  You  can't  mix  and  match  like  you're  peacocking  at  some  shitty  club  for  easily  impressed  nerd  women.  You're  not  fooling  anyone.

With Love, Embarrassed at the State of Modern Nerds “Pogonip.� $QQH +RRYHUYLOOH 7UDQVIHU 6WXGHQW

“Gold-­plating  it.â€? Mark  Yudof 5HFHLYHV ÂżQDQFLDO DLG

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011

Dear Techno, Honestly  what  the  fuck.  First  you  let  Ke$ha  do  you  in  the  ass,  then  the  Black  Eyed  Peas,  Britney  Spears,  Enrique,  but  I  draw  the  line  at  Dr.  Dre.  Remember  the  good  old  days  when  you  solely  tried  to  impress  Europeans  and  the  gays?  Were  those  examples  redundant?  I  don’t  care.  Let  me  explain  the  difference  between  you  and  I.  Techno  is  a  mash-­up  of  songs  made  by  other  SHRSOH ULSSHG E\ 'MV ZKRVH IDQ EDVH LV ÂżOOHG ZLWK NLGV KRSSHG up  on  drugs,  wearing  clothes  that  even  Joseph  didn’t  appreci-­ ate  the  technicolorfulness  of.  Electro  is  usually  performed  live  by  people  playing  electronic  instruments,  utilizing  sounds  and  various  timbres  to  create  something  from  scratch.  So  how  about  you  jump  off  a  bridge  listening  to  your  house  Tiesto  and  Benny  and  let  me  be  heard  through  the  amazingness  that  is  artists  such  as  Peaches,  Fat  Boy  Slim,  and  Daft  Punk.  But  I’ll  admit,  when  I  use  vapor  rub  I  still  remember  EDC  2009  with  that  gold  con-­ fetti.  That  bass  drop,  are  you  kidding  me.  I  felt  that  in  my  hairs.

With Love, Electro

Dear UCSC Activists (again) Goddamnit.  I  told  you  guys  to  get  your  shit  together!  Writ-­ LQJ )UHH (GXFDWLRQ ZLWK QDNHG ERGLHV LQ WKH HDVWHUQ ÂżHOG" You  might  as  well  have  used  human  feces  to  write  â€œMeaning-­ less  Gestureâ€?  on  a  parking  lot  structure  wall.  There's  something  LQFUHGLEO\ LURQLF DQG ÂżWWLQJ DERXW D WLQ\ FURZG RI DFWLYLVWV walking  in  circles  while  police  increase  surveillance  and  ap-­ proach  with  womping  sticks.  Instead  of  walking  in  a  circle,  have  you  tried  walking  towards  something?  Protest  circles  seem  to  be  the  California  leftist  version  of  Nascar  races.  It's  also  LQFUHGLEO\ ÂżWWLQJ NQRZLQJ KRZ DFWLYLVW PRYHPHQWV XVXDOO\ WXUQ out.  Here  is  life's  version  of  a  circle  chant:  Start  protest,  argue  for  big  things. I  think  education  should  be  like,  free  ya  know?  There  should  be  free  vegan  corn  dogs,  too. Stay  in  the  periphery  because  of  dividing  rhetoric  and  bullshit  â€œgut  checks.â€? Some  poser  said  he  wasn't  down  with  stripping  naked  and  O\LQJ DLPOHVVO\ LQ D ÂżHOG WR VKRZ VROLGDULW\ ZLWK WKH EXGJHW cuts.  What  an  apathetic  tool! Protest  movement  inevitably  dies. Turns  out  getting  a  two-­paragraph  article  in  the  City  on  a  Hill  Press  isn't  enough  of  a  victory  to  sustain  momentum. Adam  Smith  laughs  in  your  face.  The  invisible  hand  of  the  free  market  fucks  us  all. Start  back  at  step  one  with  a  new  set  of  dirty  faced,  open  eyed  dreamers. It's  really  fucking  frustrating  to  realize  that  a  student  protest  movement  with  so  much  promise  is  stuck  in  the  1960s.  I  don't  trust  the  guy  with  curly  long  hair  that  says  music  peaked  in  1968,  I  don't  see  why  I  should  believe  a  bunch  of  trust  fund  hippie  beardos  saying  that  the  activist  techniques  of  the  past  are  VWLOO UHOHYDQW WRGD\ 6RPH DVVKROH RQFH VDLG Âł7KH GHÂżQLWLRQ RI insanity  is  doing  the  same  thing  but  expecting  different  results.â€?  Then  again,  this  is  the  second  time  writing  this  so  maybe  I'm  just  as  fucked.

With Love, Only in it for the Jokes Dear Biology Department, Ever  since  I  was  little,  I  dreamed  of  training  the  dolphins  at  SeaWorld.  I  always  thought  that  someday,  the  dolphins  and  I  would  have  a  special  bond,  so  I  chose  the  marine  biology  major  to  get  close  to  these  magical  creatures. , DP ¿QLVKLQJ P\ VHFRQG \HDU RI WKH PDMRU DQG VR IDU LW KDV nothing  to  do  with  dolphins.  In  fact,  I  think  there  is  only  ONE  class  that  focuses  on  marine  mammals  at  all.  As  for  the  rest  of  these  requirements,  I  don't  even  know  what  they  have  to  do  with  ¿VK RU VHD RWWHUV RU VKDUNV RU DQLPDOV WKDW OLYH LQ WKH RFHDQ :K\ do  we  have  to  study  chemistry?  Dolphins  don't  care  about  pH  levels  or  how  many  atoms  are  in  a  molecule  or  dumb  shit  like  that.  I've  also  had  to  take  a  bunch  of  stupid  classes  about  math  and  statistics  and  physics,  which,  again,  have  nothing  to  do  with  dolphins. Needless  to  say,  I  have  been  very  disappointed  in  the  marine  biology  major.  I  looked  at  the  upper  division  classes  I  could  take,  and  they're  all  about  stuff  that  looks  really  boring.  My  roommate,  who  is  also  a  marine  bio  major,  is  helping  me  start  a  petition  to  include  more  classes  about  subjects  that  we  actually  care  about,  such  as  different  types  of  whales  and  dolphins,  and  less  classes  about  subjects  that  suck,  such  as  genetics  and  calculus.  You  will  be  hearing  from  us  as  soon  as  we  get  more  signatures  on  our  petition.

With Love, Every Female in Marine Biology Dear Gay Republicans, Can't  you  just  binge  eat  like  normal  people?

With Love, Sane Gays

All of the colleges offer you the same opportunities.

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Overheard in Santa Cruz

7

Whatever happened to discreet conversation? We’ve got our ears on you. And you’ve got your mind in loud, perverted, irreverent, insightful, idiotic, and generally inappropriate gutters. Welcome to “Overheard in Santa Cruz.” “Fish Rap Live? Is that a cooking show?” Phone call 3/1/11 “I don’t even know what a leap year is anymore.” Girl sunbathing on the knoll 2/28/11 “It’s okay, I’m purging tonight.” Skinny girl at Burger 2/24/11 “So, is a banana slug an animal, or an insect?” Guy at Cowell/Stevenson pasta bar 3/12/11 “When Nate Dogg died I was very confused because I also have a friend named Nate Dogg.” Guy in Watsonville 4/12/11 “I’d make a really good gay, cause I LOVE pooping.” Guy at chill sesh/movie marathon 4/01/11 “Yeah, I come from a pretty rough neighborhood. Like, for example, instead of ‘dentist,’ all the signs say ‘dentista.’” Probably racist girl at Stevenson dining hall 3/12/11 “You know, Oakes has a lot of fat people for how far down on campus it is.” Taco Bell cashier to trainee 2/23/11 “You are 18. You cannot wear that. You do not own a yacht.” College 8 Dorms 03/25/11 “Dude, cats are soooo DGAF.”

Girl on bus 03/11/11

“I was just really curious, so I attacked him with my face.” OPERS pool 2/26/11 “We were playing Pictionary in my Community Studies class. I had to draw ‘polyamorous’.” Cowell/Stevenson Dining Hall 4/11/11 “Excuse me sir, do you have a minute to help starving children?” “Fuck no.” Pacific Avenue 03/19/11 “Did the man expose himself? “I don’t know officer, his pants were down but I wasn’t close enough.” Soquel & Pacific 03/07/11 “I wish I could make a flame come out of my penis.” Guy trying to light a bong 04/17/11 “Work Terri Schiavo, narc, and CSO into one sentence.” Fish Rap Live production 04/18/11 Hear something stupid? email fishraplive@gmail.com

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011

You’d be surprised at how spacious the triples are.

8 Classical Studies

O  What  Fate  ! Hath  the  gods  proclaimed  not Thursday,  the  day  of   unquenchable  thirst? This  ambrosia,  the  drink  of  the  gods? Like  Thor? But  pour  Thee  a  cup;Íž  Hear  the  chimes  at  the  door  ! Oh  fuck  thy  cops—

Ambrosia

Legal Studies

Business Management Grey Goose Vodka Hell  yeah,  the  fancy  drank.  This  is  the  stuff  Steve  Aoki  pours  on  pre-­ teens  at  shows.  Everyone  at  this  party  is  now  my  best  friend.  Theta-­Chi!

Manhattan Cocktail There  is  obviously  a  need  to  start  being  pretentious  while  still  attending  UCSC.  Manhat-­ tan  Cocktails  will  make  you  look  really  cosmopolitan  you  tell  people  about  how  you  know  the  owner  of  Caffe  Perg.

Feminist Studies

Economics The Coors Light Dilemma A  30  rack  on  sale  costs  less  than  the  18  rack,  but  it's  just  you  and  your  friend  Jason  and  you  both  know  if  you  buy  the  30  rack  you'll  get  blitzed  and  feel  like  shit  tomorrow.  But  it's  almost  twice  as  much  beer,  having  to  call  in  sick  to  work  is  worth  it.  The  opportunity  cost  of  a  shift  of  work  missed:  $24.  Cost  of  extra  beer,  taking  changing  demand  cost  due  to  rational  consumer  pricing  into  consideration:  fuck  this,  I'm  already  drunk.

Philosophy Three Ordered Shots of Reality The  Imaginary  shot,  containing  Whiskey  and  Ego.  The  Symbolic  shot  contains  Burbon,  "Law"  and  "Structure."  The  Real  Shot  is  the  absolute  ontological  truth  itself,  and  Absolut  Vodka.

American Studies

Vodka of the Gods, Mouthwash, Prison Hooch, Budd Light, TequilaŠ brand Tequila, Colt 45, (whatever else people drink when they get broken up with) Getting  broken  up  with  might  lead  you  into  a  drunken  depression.  Having  your  entire  major  defunded  calls  for  100  years  of  wasted  late  night  calls  to  The Breakfast of Champions campus  administration.  Why,  baby?  (Brandy+Milk+Wheaties) Was  it  not  good  for  you?  I  still  think  6LW E\ WKH ¿UHSODFH LQ about  you  at  night... your  smoking  coat  with  a  snifter  of  brandy.  Don't  swirl  too  much,  Crude Oil Keg Stand you  don't  wanna  get  your  book  wet.  Kurt  0111010001101000011010010111001100100000 Vonnegut  would  be  proud,  011010010111001100100000011000010010000 General  Mills  would  be  0011100100110010101100001011011000110110 prouder.  UPN  would  be  proudest. 001111001001000000110010001110101011 01101011000100010000 0011010100110111101 10101101100101

Literature

Robotics Engineering

Health Science (Pre-Med) BeerŠ Brand Beer You  will  have  a  quarter  of  a  million  dollars  of  debt  by  the  time  you  get  your  M.D.  license,  better  start  saving  up  now  by  buying  the  cheapest  shit  on  the  market. Â

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011

NOT Budweiser, The King of B Take  your  imperialist,  patriarcha SLVV Ă€DYRUHG Âł*UHDW $PHULFDQ Lagerâ€?  and  shove  it.  I  don’t  dri beer  from  companies  that  objec women,  or  give  money  to  Pro-­Pro lobbyists,  or  outsource  their  brew factories  to  countries  with  relaxe labor  laws.  But  when  I  do,  I  drin Dos  Equis.

Community Studies Vanilla Chai With Two Shots Whiskey ,W V JRRG \RXU GULQN KDV FDI¿HQH LQ LW \RXU ¿HOG VWXGLHV WKHVLV LV GXH WRPRU-­ row  morning  and  you've  only  writ-­ ten  two  pages  out  of  a  necessary  WZHQW\ ¿YH ,W V KLJK FODVV RUJDQLF chai,  too.  This  is  the  stuff  Devendra  Banhart  sprays  on  pre-­teens  at  shows.  Funding  grants,  please.

I loved my freshman year!

9

Physics Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer Pong In  the  vertical  direction  we  have  a  constant  downward  acceleration  due  to  gravity  expressed  in  the  following  equation: Çť\ Y VLQČ™ W Âą JW Enjoy  being  boss  at  beer  pong  with  your  Phsyics  degree,  it's  the  only  time  you'll  use  this  shit  in  the  UHDO ZRUOG RXWVLGH RI ÂżJXULQJ out  the  perfect  force  ratio  to  Ă€LS D %LJ 0DF patty. Â

Computer Science Mountain Dew and Funyans Âł+H\ *DU\ FKHFN WKLV RXW , put  Funyons  on  the  edge  of  my  Dew  cup  like  shrimp  on  the  edge  of  a  cocktail.  You  know,  so  I  can  snack  â€˜n’  attack,  grip  â€˜n’  sip.  Do  you  think  they  have  an  Xbox  here?â€?

udies

King of Beers patriarchal  $PHULFDQ I  don’t  drink   that  objectify  to  Pro-­Prop  8  their  brewing  with  relaxed   do,  I  drink Â

Art History (HAVC)

Art Shot of Turpentine Straight,  no  chaser.  You've  EHHQ KXIÂżQJ SDLQW RQ DQG off  for  a  couple  of  months,  so  it's  probably  a  good  idea  to  drink  some  tur-­ pentine  to  clean  out  your  stomach  from  all  those  toxins.  That  sounds  pretty  smart,  right?  Oh  cool,  WKHUH V D SLOO RQ WKH Ă€RRU

Your  major  has  such  stringent  and  nuanced  approaches  to  DFDGHPLD WKDW ZH FRXOGQÂśW UHGXFH \RXU ÂżHOG RI VWXG\ WR a  dumb-­one  liner  joke  for  our  intoxicated,  blunted  readership.  Give  us  a  couple  of  months,  we’ll  do  our  research  and  sharpen  our  barbs.  Well,  HLWKHU ZH FRXOGQÂśW ÂżJXUH RXW D MRNH IRU Âł,QIRUPDWLRQ 6\VWHPV 0DQDJHPHQW´ ZKDW-­ ever  the  fuck  that  is)  or  your  major  sucks  and  wasn’t  invited  to  the  party... Â

Oh.  It’s  the  ladder.

Absinthe The  drink  of  choice  for  Picasso,  Van  Gogh,  Monet‌  you've  written  essays  on  all  of  them,  good  job!  But  let's  be  honest  here,  you  just  want  to  see  hal-­ lucinations  when  you  drink.  Don’t  eat  the  worm—it’ll  probably  kill  you.  Also,  don’t  drink  Absinthe—it’ll  probably  kill  you.

Anthropology Whatever you drank when you failed out of being a bio major.

Independent Major Bong Water + Faygo + Rubbing Alcohol

Chemistry Jungle Juice (Faderade) It's  a  molecular-­compound  of  everything  that  shouldn't  be  mixed  in  a  cup  (but  hey,  our  chemistry  program  isn't  very  good.)

History Zinn & Juice Laid  back,  with  your  mind  on  atrocities  and  atrocities  on  your  mind.  You  read  to  remember,  but  drink  to  forget.  When  you  read  about  the  Native  American  Genocide,  slavery,  Japa-­ nese  internment,  Chinese  Exclusion,  or  Reaganom-­ ics,  a  couple  of  stiff  glasses  is  absolutely  necessary.  Plus,  the  History  Channel  is  re-­ running  Pawn  Stars  and  you’re  not  that  much  of  a  twat,  are  you?  Stop  thinkin’  and  get  drinkin’.

If Your Major Is Not Listed: Congratulations!

Well  it  sounded  like  a  good  idea  when  you  invented  this  concoction  three  years  ago,  not  knowing  you’d  have  to  drink  it  every  day  of  your  life  thereafter,  while  simultaneously  spending  most  of  your  time  explaining  why  you  chose  to  drink  it  LQ WKH ÂżUVW SODFH

Biology Mud in a Tea Cup With Worms In It Or Some Such Bullshit ‘Cause  fuck  you,  that’s  why.  You  should  wash  it  down  by  eating  all  that  money  that  isn’t  cut  from  your  departmental  budget.  Can  you  tell  an  angry  humanities  major  wrote  this? Â

Film & Digital Media White Russian “Haha,  like  in  the  movie  The  Big  Lebowski!  It's  like,  my  favorite  movie.  You  haven't  seen  it?  Haha  well  you  VKRXOG 1HWĂ€L[ LW <HDK LW V pretty  funny.  It's  about  a  guy  that  gets  mis-­ taken  for  someone  else,  haha  and  Steve  Buschemi  is  in  it,  yeah‌  Anyway,  wanna  go  out  some  time?â€?

Music Moog Absynthe UNTZ Â UNTZ Â UNTZ Â UNTZ Â NEAW Â NEAW Â NEAW Â NEAW Â UNTZ Â UNTZ Â UNTZ Â UNTZ Â NEAW Â NEAW Â NEAW Â NEAW Â UNTZ Â UNTZ Â UNTZ Â UNTZ Â WEWO Â WEWO Â WEWO Â WEWO Â UNTZ Â UNTZ Â UNTZ Â UNTZ Â WEWO Â WEWO Â WEWO Â WEWO Â UNTZ Â UNTZ Â

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011

It’s easy to get downtown on the weekends.

10

American Studies Q&A: Chancellor Blumenthal New Major: ‘Robot Studies’ Transand EVC Galloway by Lindy Edwards

by James Farmer and James Shea 7KHUHœV D ORW RI EHQH¿WV WR EHLQJ D VWXGHQW MRXUQDOLVW <RX FDQ FRYHU DQ\ HYHQW <RX FDQ DVN DQ\ TXHVWLRQ <RX FDQ JHW DEVROXWHO\ VKLWIDFHG RQ .DKXOD IRU ¾UHVHDUFK SXUSRVHVœ <RX DOVR JHW WR KREQRE ZLWK WKH ULFK DQG IDPRXV LQ WKH DFDGHPLF DGPLQLVWUDWLYH ZRUOG :H UHFHQWO\ VDW GRZQ ZLWK %OXPLH WKH *DQJ IRU D VSHFLDO LQWHUYLHZ DERXW WKUHH RI RXU IDYRULWH WKLQJV FRL!:  2N VR ¿UVW RII , P DFWXDOO\ VXSSRVHG WR EH LQ P\ )LOP . FODVV ULJKW QRZ /LNH KH WDNHV DWWHQGDQFH 6R , ZDV ZRQGHULQJ LI \RX FRXOG VLJQ WKLV SHUPLVVLRQ VOLS VD\LQJ WKDW LW V RN IRU PH WR PLVV WRGD\ V FODVV" ,W VD\V , FDPH GRZQ ZLWK D EDG FDVH RI -RXUQDOLVPV VR LW V OHJLW George  Blumenthal: :HOO , G EH ZLOOLQJ WR VLJQ LW LI LW ZDV VOLJKWO\ UH ZRUGHG , WKLQN , P YHU\ FDUHIXO DERXW ZKDW , SXW P\ VLJQDWXUH RQ IRU UHDVRQV , WKLQN \RX G XQGHUVWDQG FRL!:  <HDK RN WKDW V IDLU Blumenthal:  <RX NQRZ ZKDW \RX FDQ MXVW KDYH KLP FDOO PH LI \RX ZDQW FRL!:  $V \RX NQRZ WKHUH V JRLQJ WR EH D JDWKHULQJ LQ 3RUWHU 0HDGRZ WKLV :HGQHVGD\ WR FHOHEUDWH IUHHGRP DQG OXQJ FDSDFLW\ 6R ZH ¿JXUHG WKH VWXGHQWV ZRXOG EH LQWHUHVWHG LQ NQRZLQJ ZKDW GUXJV \RX GLG LQ FROOHJH" 2U DIWHU FROOHJH ZH UH QRW JRLQJ WR MXGJH Blumenthal:  Haha,  well  I  will  say  I  did  not  do  any  drugs  after  college.  And  in  college,  ah,  I... Allison  Galloway:  <RX GLGQ W LQKDOH" Blumenthal:  ,Q FROOHJH , ZLOO VD\ WKDW , QHYHU GLG DQ\ GUXJV WKDW ZHUHQ W PDULMXDQD Director  of  Public  Affairs,  Jim  Burns:  <RX VHH LI , ZDV GRLQJ P\ MRE , ZRXOG YH VDLG QH[W TXHVWLRQ

FRL!:  8&6& UHFHQWO\ DGGHG D QHZ PDMRU LQ URERWLF HQJLQHHULQJ 1RZ , P DQ HQJLQHHULQJ VWXGHQW VR , P WRWDOO\ VWRNHG RQ WKLV EHFDXVH OLNH WKDW V DZHVRPH 6R ZH ZDQWHG WR NQRZ ZKDW V your  favorite  robot,  and  what  kind  of  robots  would  you  like  to  see  the  campus  produce? Blumenthal:  :HOO , G KDYH WR VD\ P\ IDYRULWH URERW LV 5 ' RI FRXUVH $QG WKDW V YHU\ personal  to  me,  because  we  actually  have  a  salt  &  pepper  shaker  of  him  at  home,  and  I  really  like  it. FRL!:  $ZZZ WKDW V FXWH Blumenthal:  As  for  the  robotic  engineering  program,  I  feel  there  is  a  great  future  there.  I  WKLQN ZH UH JRLQJ WR VHH URERWLFV DVVRFLDWHG ZLWK PHGLFDO DQG KHDOWK QRW MXVW GHYLFHV PDNLQJ life  easier  for  people  with  disabilities,  such  as  robotic  limbs,  but  also  for  ordinary  citizens.  I  WKLQN WKHUH V DPD]LQJ SRWHQWLDO WKHUH MXVW PLQG EORZLQJ FRL!:  Awesome.  Thank  you  for  your  time  Blumie!

forms

On  April  12,  UCSC  announced  that  it  would  be  launching  the  Robotics  Engineering  Ma-­ MRU D QHZ SURJUDP WKDW ZRXOG FRPELQH HOHFWULFDO FRPSXWHU DQG PHFKDQLFDO HQJLQHHULQJ 7KLV PDMRU LV H[SHFWHG WR EH D KXJH GUDZ IRU WKH VFKRRO GUDZLQJ PRUH DWWHQWLRQ WR 8& 6DQWD &UX]ÂśV UHVHDUFK DQG GHYHORSPHQW LQ WKH VFLHQWLÂżF ÂżHOGV $FFRUGLQJ WR $PHULFDQ 6WXG-­ ies  department  head  Arthur  Dent,  â€œThese  changes  represent  the  shifting  values  at  this  school,  DZD\ IURP WKH ÂľOHVV SURÂżWDEOHÂś KXPDQLWLHV DQG VRFLDO VFLHQFHV DQG LQWR ÂżHOGV WKDW DUH PRUH self-­funding,â€?  she  explains,  â€œAnd  we  decided  that  is  some  straight  bullshit,  so  we  thought,  hey,  we  can  play  ball  too.â€? ,Q OLJKW RI WKH QHZ PDMRU WKH $PHULFDQ 6WXGLHV GHSDUWPHQW ZLOO QRZ EH FDOOLQJ LWVHOI WKH Robot  Studies  department  in  an  effort  to  receive  more  funding  from  the  school.  The  depart-­ ment  says  that  by  modernizing  the  curriculum  and  revamping  the  program,  it  is  more  likely  to  receive  â€œsome  of  the  sweet,  life-­giving  cash-­money.â€? 'HQW WHOOV XV WKDW KH V H[FLWHG DERXW WKH FKDQJHV Âł7KH QHZ SURJUDP LV JRLQJ WR IRFXV RQ KRZ URERWV KDYH DQG ZLOO DIIHFW FXOWXUH DQG ZH OO EH DEOH WR NHHS D ORW RI WKH DVSHFWV RI WKH American  Studies  Department,  but,  like,  with  electronics  and  shit.â€?  New  classes  currently  being  offered  will  include  ROST  10:  Intro  To  American  Robot  Studies,  ROST  112:  Chicanos  and  Cyborgs,  and  ROST  113:  Citizens,  Denizens,  and  Aliens  in  Space  Colonies.  Dent  continues  to  explain  that  â€œthe  purpose  of  Robot  Studies  is  to  educate  people  on  the  implications  of  a  more  robotic  society.  Think  about  how  the  literary  world  would  be  different  if  Mark  Twain  were  actually  a  robot,  or  if  in  the  future  your  local  Star-­ bucks  is  run  by  the  Cylons.  Will  they  know  exactly  how  to  make  your  grande  half-­caff  triple  shot  caramel  soy  latte  with  extra  whip  cream,  or  will  services  be  compromised  because  of  the  lack  of  humanity?â€? Some  students  are  concerned  about  the  new  direction,  however.  â€œLast  week  my  professor  told  me  to  go  do  an  ethnography  of  people  in  the  computer  lab,â€?  states  recent  Robot  Studies  PDMRU .LPEHUO\ &DUGLDQ Âł7KH RQO\ FRQFOXVLRQ , FDPH WR ZDV WKDW SHRSOH LQ WKH FRPSXWHU ODE DUH MXVW RQ 5HGGLW DOO WKH WLPH ´ 'HQW DVVXUHV VWXGHQWV FXUUHQWO\ HQUROOHG LQ WKH $PHULFDQ 6WXGLHV PDMRU WKDW WKHLU VWXGLHV will  not  be  greatly  compromised  however,  â€œWe’re  still  going  to  be  dedicated  to  examining  WKH PRGHUQ DQG KLVWRULF $PHULFDQ FRQGLWLRQ ZLWK D PXOWLGLVFLSOLQDU\ DSSURDFK ,WÂśV MXVW \RX know,  we’re  also  gonna  talk  about  how  fucking  baller  7HUPLQDWRU  is.â€? 6WXGHQWV FDQ EHJLQ HQUROOLQJ LQ WKH QHZ PDMRU EHJLQQLQJ )DOO Âł, P UHDOO\ KRSHIXO about  all  the  people  who  are  interested  in  this  area  of  study,â€?  says  Dent.  â€œBesides,  do  you  UHDOO\ QHHG $PHULFDQ 6WXGLHV WR VWXG\ $PHULFD" <RX FDQ JR WR 0F'RQDOG V DQG HVVHQWLDOO\ come  to  the  same  conclusions.â€?

into

23 Interesting Classes to Take This Quarter at UCSC FMST  194M-­01  Empire  &  Sexuality:  Darth  Vader  as  a  sex  symbol,  also  as  a  symbol  of  the  patriarchy’s  heteronormative  domination  of  the  galaxy. AMS  80A-­01  Gambling  and  Gaming:  Step  right  up  and  try  your  luck,  everybody  is  a  winner  in  this  class.

LTMO  155J-­01  Soviet  Everyday  Life:  You  would  not  believe  how  long  the  waiting  list  is. AMST  123T  Inventing  Savage: In-­depth  comparative  study  of  Adam  Savage,  Dan  Savage,  Rick  Savage  of  Def  Leppard,  and  â€œSavage,â€?  the  Eurythmics  album.

ADVERTISEMENT

ANTH  80H-­01  Acoustic  Culture:  Learn  how  to  cover  Neutral  Milk  Hotel  and  that  â€œFridayâ€?  song  in  the  middle  of  the  night,  waking  up  everybody  in  the  immediate  area,  asshole. HIS  196G-­01  Modern  Germany  &  Europe:  Der  deutsche  Staat  die  glorreiche  Vergangen-­ heit  und  Gegenwart  in  Europa,  wie  gesagt,  durch  die  Musik  von  Kraftwerk. CHEM  151L-­01  Inorganic  Lab:  Take  that,  you  free-­range  Kresge  hippies. ANTH  225-­01  Anthropology  of  Things:  Ex-­ aminations  of  approaches  used  by  anthropolo-­ gists  about  taking  serious  stuff  seriously. LTEL  155D-­01  South  African  Lit:  See  how  many  ways  can  you  interpret  â€œThe  Power  of  One.â€? MUSC  80V-­01  The  Beatles  Music:  Just  in  case  Muppet  Magic  wasn’t  enough  of  a  bullshit  class  for  you. THEA  80N-­01  Walt  Disney:  The  perfect  class  to  go  with  your  already  packed  quarter  of  Beatles  Music  and  Muppet  Magic. COWL  70B-­01  Elements  of  Printing:  /HDUQ KRZ WR Âż[ SDSHU MDPV DQG FKDQJH LQN tanks  in  your  shitty  ass  printer  that’s  always  fucking  broken. LTCR  10-­04  Intro  to  Creative  Writing: Nobody  fucking  cares  about  your  Spock/Tyler  'XUGHQ FURVVRYHU VODVK IDQ ÂżFWLRQ

POLI  1-­01  Digital  Democracy: Democracy:  Now  available  for  download  from  The  Pirate  Bay. ASTR  70D-­01  Historical  Astronomy:  New  research  into  the  crystalline  spheres  of  the  cosmos,  luminiferous  aether,  and  how  many  DQJHOV FDQ ÂżW RQ WKH KHDG RI D SLQ ART  150C-­01  Contemporary  Art:  Really,  what  is  â€œartâ€?  anyway? CRWN  70-­02  Intro  to  Radio:  Enter  the  exciting  world  of  Citizen’s  Band  radio  and  talk  to  truckers  about  drinking  and  murdering  prostitutes. LTPR  137-­01  Modern  Ancient  Drama: 6SRFN $QWLJRQH FURVVRYHU VODVK IDQ ÂżFWLRQ ANTH  130C-­01  Politics  &  Culture  in  China: All  students  with  dissenting  opinions  will  be  executed,  also  learn  how  to  make  iron  as  a  cot-­ tege  industry. MUSC  80D-­01  Music  and  Political  Protest: Just  because  you  have  an  acoustic  guitar  doesn’t  mean  that  you’re  a  protest  singer. SOCY  188A-­01  Environmental  Inequality: Inquiray  into  how  The  Man  is  using  Foucauld-­ ian  power  structures  to  keep  the  plants  down. CMPS  4-­04  Internet  Issues: Class  not  found. AMST  199F-­01  Fish  Rap  Live:  0DNH GLFN MRNHV JHW FODVV FUHGLW

Psychology is impacted, but it’s not that big of a deal.

11

Am I Gonna Guest Pass Yo’ A$$? A spectrum by Danny Brooks

' +DOO JXHVW SDVVHV KHUH DW 8&6& FDUU\ DERXW WKH VDPH ¿QDQFLDO VRFLDO LPSOLFDWLRQV DV VD\ YLUJLQLW\ ZKLFK LV WR VD\ WKH\ UH NLQGD LPSRUWDQW 6R WR KHOS \RX GHFLGH LI \RX UH UHDG\ WR WDNH WKH QH[W VWHS LQWR PDQ ZRPDQKRRG DQG JLYH XS WKDW ' FDUG KHUH V D FKDUW RI FRPPRQ JXHVW SDVV VXS-­ SOLFDQWV DQG KRZ UHFRPPHQGDEOH PDNLQ WKH SDVV IRU WKHP LV

Always

‡ Honeys*/Famine  Victims:  You  made  it  all  the  way  here  from  Santa  Barbara/Somalia  and  you  are  hot/starving  as  fuck!  I'll  gladly  guest  SDVV \RX VR WKDW , PLJKW JHW P\ QXW IXOÂżOOPHQW \RXU H\HV VKLQH with  expectation  and  your  mouth  quivers  seductively/pathetically.  After  we  eat  perhaps  I  can  take  you  to  the  dorm/relief  center,  and  we  can  get  our  freak  on.  Unless  you're  a  famine  victim,  because  seriously  who  wants  to  fuck  a  famine  victim.  Srsly.

Often

‡ Mommy  and  Daddy:  Whether  intentionally  or  not,  these  strange,  vexing  people  some  sweaty  night  nineteen  or   twenty-­something  years  ago  did  the  deed  that  brought  you  into  the  world,  and  if  you're  going  to  submit  them  to  the  bizarre  adventure  that  is  being  old  in  a  dining  hall,  at  least  guess  pass  them,  it's  their  own  damn  money  anyway. Â

Occasionally

‡ Schizophrenic  bum  you  met  on  the  bus:  Yeah  this  guy's  seen  better  days,  and  yeah  at  least  one  of  his  personalities  is  hungry,  but  one  minute  he's  Simba  and  the  next  he's  Wildcat  *hisss*  and  you  just  don't  know  if  he's  going  to  slit  your  throat,  take  your  guest  pass  and  leave,  or  stalk  you  well  into  your  thirties.  Use  extreme  discretion  when  feeding  the  Santa  Cruz  homeless.

No fuckin’ way

‡ Roommates:  C'mon  man  you  have  a  fucking  meal  plan,  and  you  snore.  And  you  jizzed  a  little  bit  on  my  rug.  DO  NOT  guest  pass  your  roommate,  if  he/she  even  ventures  to  ask,  just  say  â€œno.â€?  You  will  be  left  feeling  empty  and  used. ‡ Self-­Aware  Vending  machines:  If  you've  ever  been  approached  by  a  vending  machine  that,  by  some  cosmic  accident,  slipped  into  the  realm  of  consciousness,  the  desire  to  submit  to  its  will  can  be  overwhelming,  believe  me,  I  know.   But  take  heed  fellow-­meal  plan  holder,  this  machine  is  not  your  friend.  Besides  it's  already  full  of  food  and  probably  wouldn't  be  able  to  understand  the  concept  of  â€œwaster  vs.  taster.â€?

WANT SOMETHING AWESOME TO DO THIS 4/20? DO YOU LOVE THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM? +$6 ,7 %((1 $ :+,/( 6,1&( <28¡9( +$' $ &$35, 681" $5( <28 6758**/,1* :,7+ +2: 72 63(1' <285 WEDNESDAY?

Come to McHenry Library! Where we have tons of awesome alternative ways to spend your day! t*O UIF CBTFNFOU XF IBWF B DSBGU EBZ XIFSF XF XJMM UBLF PME ĂśMF GPMEFST BOE EFDPSBUF UIFN GPS OFX QSPKFDUT 5IFSF XJMM CF (P (VSU BOE TOBDLT

‹6U [OL [OPYK ÅVVY TLKPH YVVT [OLYL ^PSS IL H N\LZ[ ZWLHRLY KPZJ\ZZPUN 4VKLYU ,JVUVTPJZ PU YLSH[PVU [V HUJPLU[ ;YVIYPHUK 0ZSHUK O\[ HYJOP[LJ[\YL ‡$OVR DW WKH 6FLHQFH DQG (QJLQHHULQJ /LEUDU\ :H KDYH %RQQ\GRRQœV OHDGLQJ ELUG WUDFNHU FRPLQJ WR WDON WR VWXGHQWV DERXW WKH DEXQGDQW DQG GLYHUVH PLJUDWLRQ SDWWHUQV RI ELUGV SUHVHQW RQ RXU RZQ FDPSXV

This is a day you do not want to miss! So come on down to McHenry, for a day of living, laughing, learning, and loving! Bring an open mind and a positive attitude!

*If  you're  planning  on  making  sweet,  sweet  love  to  the  above-­mentioned  honey,  bear  in  mind  that  all  dining  hall  food  is  coated  in  a  mild  laxative

by Emmy Ballard

PJ  got  peer  pressured  at  the  Meadow!

I  got  caught  dealing  in  the  dorms.

It’s  OREGANO?? The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011

12

Most professors don’t take attendance, but you should still go.

Chillin’ with Chomsky by Solomon Wong

Noam Chomsky met me at the Southwest Air gate, pulling along a faded red rolling suitcase. "Good to see you," he said, pushing the telescoping handle back into the bag with a click. "Do you have a car?" I said yes, right over here, and motioned towards my Prius. "A hybrid," he said, bemused. "That's commendable." I wasn't sure how to react to this so I said that I know hybrids aren't that much better. Chomsky opened the door for himself after I pressed the unlock on my key fob. "It's a nice car." We stopped at a roadside barbecue place at his insistence. Noam Chomsky ordered a SXOOHG SRUN VDQGZLFK ZLWK KRUVHUDGLVK PD\RQQDLVH DQG D EDJ RI 5XIà HV +H GHFOLQHG D VRGD We ate at a counter that faced out onto the highway, watching 16-wheelers rumble past, dark H[KDXVW SXIÀQJ RXW EHKLQG WKHP 7KHUH ZDV D ZRPDQ VLWWLQJ LQ D ERRWK UHDO SDSHU EDJJHU RI D ZRPDQ HDWLQJ D EDVNHW RI IULHV DQG D FKHHVH VWHDN :KHQ ZH G ÀQLVKHG HDWLQJ &KRPVN\ EDOOHG XS WKH JUHDV\ SDSHU WKDW KDG ZUDSSHG KLV VDQGZLFK DQG VWXIIHG LW LQWR KLV 5XIà HV EDJ +H VHW D ÀYH GROODU ELOO RQ WKH FRXQWHU , WROG KLP WKH\ GRQ W WLS KHUH DQG KH VDLG , GR VDYLQJ the breath he could have spent on a lecture about food service wages. "My house is two exits down," he said. I had printed out directions from the internet but &KRPVN\ UHIXVHG WR XVH WKHP 7XUQ KHUH DW D WUDIÀF LVODQG JDUGHQ DQG OHIW KHUH GRZQ D street lined with large billowy trees and fashionably unfashionable houses whose paint was MXVW IDGHG HQRXJK OLNH WKUHH KXQGUHG GROODU DFLG ZDVK MHDQV +LV KRXVH ZDV SDOH \HOORZ DQG the door was a weathered green. "Come in, I just have to unpack." , VDW LQ D VTXDVK\ FKDLU LQ KLV OLYLQJ URRP ORRNLQJ DURXQG DW WKH ERRNFDVHV ÀOOHG ZLWK YLQ\OV WDSSLQJ P\ SHQ RQ P\ OHJ à LSSLQJ WKURXJK WKH OHJDO SDG WR JR RYHU ZKDW , G ZULWWHQ so far. I had been hoping to get some pull-quotes out of him, something Layout could set in the middle of my article. Chomsky came out of his bedroom holding a rectangular thing wrapped in duct tape. I watched him as he silently pulled the tape off in rasping strips. After nearly three layers of tape, the contents showed through. Noam Chomsky had smuggled a key of marijuana in from Africa. I gasped and he grinned sheepishly. "They call it 'dagga.' This strain is grown by a family in Swaziland so they can pay for their kids' school," he added, with a guilty look on his face. I told him he could have been put away for a long time for bringing this through customs. "I'm eighty-two years old," he said, and left it at that. +H WROG PH WR SLFN RXW D UHFRUG ZKLOH KH UROOHG D EOXQW +H KDG D FLJDU ER[ ÀOOHG ZLWK 80-cent individually-wrapped swishers. I picked Fela Kuti, but when I showed it to him he shook his head. "Nothing from Africa; I don't want to think about where this came from."I put the record back and pulled Funhouse by The Stooges, which he nodded at enthusiastically, licking the wrap and then pressing it shut. "So you're from a campus paper," he said after a few go-rounds, eyes half-closed. The album had slowed down, giving me time to admire Iggy Pop's voice and think about his leathery muscles. I said yes. "What do you want to talk about, then? You're from a UC; are you gonna ask me about the budget?" I said I was surprised he knew about that. "Of course I know DERXW WKDW +H à DSSHG KLV KDQG DW PH DQG SXIIHG D FRXSOH WLPHV RQ WKH EOXQW , NQRZ DERXW everything," he breathed, and the smoke gathered up around his face like a fortune teller. I said that as long as I had him, yes, what did he think about the budget problems? "What I remember most vividly, as I imagine most people who followed the budget crisis do, is the pay raises the UC regents gave themselves after the tuition increases. That, and the small incidents of vandalism." I remembered a Thanksgiving where my uncle had chastised me for the damage to the computer labs on campus. "The problem," Chomsky continued, "is that these incidents aren't by any means rare. And most people know that, and in fact characterize &(2V DQG RWKHU EXVLQHVV RIÀFHUV DV JUHHG\ EXW WKHUH V QHYHU D FDOO WR DFWLRQ UHJDUGLQJ FRUSRUDWH JUHHG XQOHVV LW V FRQWUDVWHG ZLWK VRPHWKLQJ OLNH D EXGJHW GHÀFLW 7KLQN DERXW WKH EDQN bailouts a few years ago. Everyone was outraged that executives from Goldman-Sachs were KDYLQJ SDUWLHV LQ WKH &DULEEHDQ EXW RQO\ EHFDXVH LW ZDV LQ WKH ZDNH RI WKH ÀQDQFLDO GLVDVWHU It was about how it looked, not anything having to do with greed or excess." I nodded, too stoned to come up with a good response. "And now more than ever, there's a growing sentiment that taxes shouldn't be raised. Or at least there is more vocal opposition to the idea. Disturbingly few people understand marginal tax rates, and even among those who GR WKHUH V DQ HQGXULQJ LGHD WKDW WKH\ ZLOO VRPHGD\ RFFXS\ WKDW WD[ EUDFNHW +H QRGGHG WR himself. I nodded back. "This isn't a great album," he said. "I prefer their self-titled." I had in fact chosen Funhouse because I was worried about how choosing the album with "I Wanna Be Your Dog" would make me look. I told him this and he laughed, the wheezy giggle old men have. "I suppose we should be thankful to have such problems," he said. "When you think of Libya, or Bahrain..." I told him I had been following the coverage closely. "That's good, that's good," he said, with a far-off look in his eyes. "It's admirable that a college student would ERWKHU ZLWK WKDW NLQG RI WKLQJ +H VWRRG XS DQG OHIW IRU KLV EHGURRP , VDW QRW NQRZLQJ ZKDW WR GR +H UHWXUQHG FDUU\LQJ D 0DFERRN 3UR , ZDV MXVW WKLQNLQJ DERXW WKLV YLGHR <RX VKRXOG ZDWFK LW OHW PH ÀQG LW <RX KDYH WR ZDWFK LW +H QDYLJDWHG WR \RXWXEH DQG FOLFNHG RQ KLV "favorites" tab. I could vaguely make out the titles of videos as he scrolled down, "Texaco President Responds to Ongoing Ecuador Lawsuit," "Weiner Challenges the Republicans to 3XW 8S RU +H VWRSSHG RQ D YLGHR ZLWK DQ WLWOH LQ $UDELF The video was dark and grainy, the thick line of a power cable crossing the screen. "This is from the Libyan protests," Chomsky said. "I saw this and couldn't stop watching it." There were voices shouting. The camera shifted down to show a grey-blue dusk sky. More shouting, then an echoing crack and panicked voices. "Look at this," Chomsky whispered. A young man lay on the ground, blood pooling around him, eyes closed. Two of his fellow protesters grabbed him by the arms and lifted him, and blood poured out the back of his head like a garden hose. They dragged him away, leaving a thick dark red line waving behind them. Oh my God, I said. My mouth was dry and I noticed it especially now. Chomsky clicked back 5 seconds, and the shot rang out again, and the blood poured again, and Noam Chomsky curled his lips into a grimace. "My God," he said, and clicked back to the shot. "This fucking world." Click. "Why do I ever smoke weed."

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011

Four-Twenty: A Timeline by Clay Malzkuhn

As  that  wonderful  time  of  the  year  rolls  around  once  again,  we  here  at  Fish  Rap  would  like  to  take  a  step  back  and  look  at  the  fascinating  history  of  4/20,  a  holiday  as  old  as  time  itself.  Although  many  claim  that  the  day’s  origins  are  more  recent,  evidence  by  expert  ganjologists  have  discovered  a  wealth  of  references  to  festivals  and  celebrations  on  that  day,  from  cultures  far  and  wide. 33  AD:  Long-­haired,  pot-­smoking  hippie  gets  what's  coming  to  him. 420  AD:  Hey,  look  what  year  it  is! 1350:  Bored  Europeans  with  nothing  to  do  after  all  their  friends  died  of  the  Black  Plague  begin  to  celebrate  4/20.  It  was  here  that  the  practice  of  passing  joints  to  the  left  originated,  as  it  was  then  commonly  believed  that  doing  so  would  protect  them  from  the  disease.  This  is  largely  FRQVLGHUHG WR EH WKH ÂżUVW “highdeaâ€?. 1768:  In  another  attempt  to  WD[ LWV $PHULFDQ FRORQLHV Britain  passes  a  Marijuana  $FW 2XWUDJHG FRORQLVWV ÂżOO HIÂżJLHV RI *HRUJH ,,, ZLWK weed  and  burn  them  to  kill  two  birds  with  one  stone. 1754:  Enlightenment  thinkers  steal  all  their  ideas  from  their  high  friends.  â€œWhat  if,  like,  we're  all  ani-­ mals,  and  like,  society  puts  us  in  chains,  you  know?â€? -­  John  Locke's  roommate 1848:  In  the  4/20  That  Never  Was,  riots  break  out  across  Europe  when  tension  with  the  Ottoman  Empire  causes  a  ban  on  the  importation  of  marijuana.  Protesting  university  students  eventually  claim  to  be   ¿JKWLQJ IRU GHPRFUDF\ LQ RUGHU to  impress  women.

1920:  After  the  trauma  of  World  War  1  and  the  onset  of  Prohibition,  the  American  people  begin  a  series  of  lavish  4/20  celebrations  where   people  think  sitting  on   Ă€DJSROHV DQG VZDOORZLQJ phonebooks  are  good  ideas. 1939:  Hitler  bogarts  Poland.

1200  BC:  Several  Bronze  Age  cultures  collapse  violently.  More  recent  evidence  based  on  clay  tablets  describes  the  arrival  of  a  strain  of  weed  so  strong  that  many  Mediterranean  cultures  grew  too  lazy  to  hunt  or  gather,  causing  their  parents  to  kick  them  out  of  the  house. 1271:  Marco  Polo  coughs  like  a  bitch  in  a  Muslim  court,  outraging  the  sultan  and  leading  to  the  beginning  of  the  Ninth  Crusade. 1492:  Columbus  accidentally  discovers  the  New  World  in  what  historians  now  consider  to  EH RQH RI WKH PRVW GHVSHUDWH DWWHPSWV WR ÂżQG a  dealer  ever  recorded.  On  the  return  voyage,  4/20  celebrations  almost  turned  into  a  mutiny  after  Columbus  dropped  the  chief  navigator’s  bong. 1619:  Settlers  at  Jamestown  invite  local  Indians  WR IRU WKH ÂżUVW WLPH 7KLV H[SUHVVLRQ RI JRRGZLOO TXLFNO\ EDFNÂżUHV ZKHQ &KLHI  Namaquansett  allows  the  ceremonial  blunt  to  burn  out  whilst  giving  a  lengthy  speech  on  the  prosperity  that  will  be  enjoyed  by  settlers  and  natives  living  harmoniously.  Wrote  one  settler  â€œWe  were  so  Enrag’d  at  the  Heathen  savage’s  lacke  of  civility  that  we  discharg'd  our  muskets  into  them  until  not  a  one  of  them  remained   OLYLQJ ´ 7KLV LQFLGHQW ZRXOG LQĂ€XHQFH  (QJOLVK ,QGLDQ UHODWLRQV IRU WKH QH[W \HDUV 1777:  Thomas  Jefferson  rolls  what  was  then  the  largest  blunt  ever  out  of  a  rough  draft  of  the  Declaration  of  Independence.  This  record  would  later  be  surpassed  when  Eleanor  Roosevelt  rolled  a  blunt  out  of  the  UN  Declaration  of   Human  Rights. 1859:  Tensions  between  the  North  and  South  are  heightened  when  South   Carolinian  senator  Andrew  Bridges  sparks  a  raging  controversy  by  using  his  slave  Thomas  as  an  ashtray. 1893: 7KH ÂżUVW YDSRUL]HU LV XQYHLOHG DW WKH :RUOGÂśV &ROXPELDQ ([SRVLWLRQ LQ &KLFDJR ,W ÂżOOV WKUHH URRPV JHQHUDWHV massive  amounts  of  steam,  and  results  LQ WKH GHDWKV RI FKLOG ODERUHUV ² DOO in  all,  a  massive  success. 1930: 7KH *UHDW 'HSUHVVLRQ UHGXFHV much  of  the  world’s  population  to  smoking  resin. 1948:  Cheetos  invented.

1967:  Hippies  embrace  4/20  as  a  countercultural  activity.  Protesters  rejoice  when  their  loud  music  and  incessant  smoking  causes  the  Vietnam  War  to  end  8  years  later. 2010:  Tragedy  strikes  at  UCSC’s  4/20  celebration  when  Stephanie  Windsor,  a  Merrill  freshman,  said  she  wouldn’t  smoke  weed  and  then  did,  causing  her  to  die  on  the  spot  of  HQĂ€DPHG O\LQJ

1982:  In  an  effort  to  crack  down  on  illegal  4/20  events  nationwide,  Ronald  Reagan  introduces  crack  cocaine  into  the  inner  cities  as  a  safer  alternative.  â€œCrack  cocaine  will  make  us  all  more  industrious  and  SURGXFWLYH ´ KH VDLG DV WKH Ă€HVK RI XQERUQ infants  trickled  down  his  chin. April  20,  1999:  Columbine  Ć‰Âł, ZDV JRQQD VKRRW XS DOO WKH NLGV LQ P\ VFKRRO EXW WKHQ , JRW KL RK ZDLW ´Ćˆ 2147:  Super  intelligent  robots  become   VHOI DZDUH H[WHUPLQDWH KXPDQLW\ DQG  OHJDOL]H ZHHG 6WRQHUV KDYH PL[HG IHHOLQJV

I’ve been here four years and I’ve never smoked pot.

Related: Legal Alternatives

Re:  The  â€œFour-­Twentyâ€?

13

by Everest Dillon-Hurley and James Farmer

As  in  years  past,  UCSC  anticipates  that  there  may  be  a  small  group  of  people  celebrating  â€œFour-­Twentyâ€?  on  campus.  Participants  seem  to  be  under  the  impres-­ sion  that  this  is  some  sort  of  holiday,  and  mistakenly  think  that  smoking  marijuana  is  legal  on  this  day.  We  would  like  to  inform  students  and  faculty  members  of  what  might  be  happening  between  4:00  to  5:00  PM  around  campus  so  they  will  not  be  alarmed  by  anything. ‡<RX PD\ VHH D ORZ O\LQJ IRJ HVSHFLDOO\ DURXQG 3RUWHU 0HDGRZ 7KLV LV QRWKLQJ to  be  worried  about,  as  it  is  a  typical  weather  occurrence,  and  should  dissipate  by  the  evening.  However,  it  is  something  to  be  avoided  for  health  reasons. ‡7KH IRJ PD\ KDYH DQ KHUEDO VFHQW DJDLQ WKLV LV QRWKLQJ \RX VKRXOG ZRUU\ DERXW It  is  simply  a  sign  that  the  native  plant  life  is  thriving  around  this  time  of  year. ‡7KHUH ZLOO EH SUREDEO\ EH DQ LQFUHDVH RI SHRSOH YLVLWLQJ WKH GLQLQJ KDOOV DQG RWKHU on-­campus  restaurants.  Students  and  faculty  working  for  UCSC  dining  services  should  be  aware  of  this,  and  student  employees  are  advised  to  not  skip  work  HYHQ LI WKH\ FODLP WR VXGGHQO\ FRPH GRZQ ZLWK WKH RQH GD\ VWRPDFK Ă€X ‡'XH WR FRQFHUQV DERXW DQ\ SRWHQWLDO )RXU 7ZHQW\ FHOHEUDWLRQV WKRXJK WKH\ DUH XQOLNHO\ WR JHW RXW RI KDQG WKHUH ZLOO EH QR LQERXQG WUDIÂżF FRPLQJ LQWR FDPSXV starting  at  2:15  PM.  If  you  would  like  to  get  into  campus  to  attend  your  classes,  it  LV UHFRPPHQGHG WKDW \RX FDUU\ D Âł:KDW :RXOG -HVXV 'R"´ VLJQ LQ RUGHU WR GLVSHO any  suspicions  that  you  are  coming  to  campus  in  order  to  smoke  marijuana.  Overnight  guests  will  not  be  allowed,  though  if  they  absolutely  have  to  stay,  they  should  carry  pro-­Jesus  signs  as  well. We  are  convinced  that  UCSC  students  will  make  healthy  and  positive  decisions  regarding  Four-­Twenty,  as  the  celebration  has  never  been  a  big  deal  on  campus  before.  For  those  of  you  who  do  not  have  any  classes  at  4:20,  the  colleges  will  be  sponsoring  several  wholesome  alternate  activities  instead,  such  as  a  macaroni  SLFWXUH ZRUNVKRS D ÂżQJHU SDLQWLQJ VHPLQDU DQG D SHUIRUPDQFH E\ WKH :LJJOHV Thank  you  for  your  cooperation. Felicia  McGinty,  Vice  Chancellor,  Student  Affairs

 For  all  you  goody  two  shoes  who  want  to  impress  your  friends  with  drug  use  but  the  thought  of  a  conversation  with  a  drug  dealer  frightens  you  (they  DO  have  guns,  no  matter  what  they  say),  here  are  some  legal  alternatives  to  get  your  shit  fucked.  Why  not  be  like  your  hero  Miley  Cyrus  and  do  a  bong  load  or  two  of  salvia?  It  just  lasts  15  minutes,  how  bad  could  it  be?  For  those  of  you  not  familiar,  it’s  like  Carl  Sagan  kicking  your  brain's  testicles  into  the  snake  dimension  and  then  by  ejaculating,  beginning  several  alternate  universes  inhabited  by  living  Simpsons   cariactures  of  your  friends  and  familly.  The  reason  that  it’s  legal  and  ZLGHO\ DYDLODEOH LV EHFDXVH RI KRZ HTXDOO\ IXQ DQG WHUULEOH LW LV )RU WKRVH SUHFLRXV ÂżIWHHQ PLQXWHV \RX FDQ EH DQ\WKLQJ $Q DVWURQDXW D URFN D ÂżVK WUDSSHG RQ GU\ ODQG RU HYHQ DQ $IUR &XEDQ KRPR-­ sexual  communist  in  a  McCarthy  era  southern  diner!  For  the  next  four  hundred  twenty  years,  feel  free  to  explore  your  strange  new  reality.  Balk  at  gravity,  watch  the  walls  dissolve,  punch  anything  DQG DQ\RQH WKHUH DUHQÂśW FRQVHTXHQFHV DQ\PRUH $IWHU WKH ÂżIWHHQ PLQXWHV \RX UH UHDG\ WR JR KRPH and  call  your  parents  completely  sober.  FYI,  your  parents  know  about  4/20,  and  if  you  call  them  hella  blazed,  they'll  give  your  car  to  your  sister.  Don't  let  her  get  the  Honda  Accord  XLE  Sedan! If  you  don't  want  your  balls  completely  tripped,  and  actually  want  the  option  of  stumbling  around  on  (legal)  drugs  for  hours  (you  pussy),  you  should  give  Robitussin  a  try.  But  you  might  say,  â€œThat's  just  cough  medicine!  Yuckers!â€?  And  yuckers  aside,  this  shit  can  make  you  rethink  your  entire  life  if  you  drink  enough.  The  effects  are  similar  to  having  wicked  fever  delirium,  and  you're  probably  throw  up  because  that  shit  is  gross,  but  it  can  be  pretty  nuts  once  you  get  over  the  part  ZKHQ \RX IHHO OLNH \RX KDYH WKH Ă€X )LUVW RII \RX ZLOO QRW NQRZ ZKDW WKH IXFN LV JRLQJ RQ (YHU\-­ WKLQJ EHFRPHV FRPSOHWHO\ EDIĂ€LQJ IURP \RXU FHOO SKRQH WR ZKHWKHU \RX FDQ ZKHHO D WLUH GRZQ WKH PLGGOH RI D EXV\ URDG <RXÂśOO SUREDEO\ VSHQG D ORW RI WLPH UROOLQJ DURXQG RQ WKH Ă€RRU EHFDXVH ZDON-­ ing  is  gona  be  a  little  out  of  your  reach  for  the  next  four  hours.  There  are  several  highness  plateaus,   depending  on  how  much  you  guzzle  down,  ranging  from  â€œwhat’s  going  on  man?â€?  to  â€œI  was  reborn  last  night  bro.â€?  Also,  the  amount  to  get  your  brain  all  Stewey  is  close  to  the  amount  to  overdose,  so  make  sure  to  ask  your  parents  how  many  bottles  your  dainty  little  ass  can  handle. 1LWURXV 2[LGH $.$ :KLS ,WV LV MXVW GLFN Ă€RSSLQ IXQ <RX FDQ SLFN WKHVH IXQ OLWWOH FDQLVWHUV up  at  your  local  smoke  shop,  sportin'  goods  store  or  kitchen  supply  shop.  You'll  need  a  cracker  and  balloon  to  catch  the  funny  gas,  but  be  warned,  don't  take  that  shit  directly  because  it  is  hella  chilly  when  it  comes  out  and  can  asphyxiate  you  if  taken  directly.  Long  story  short:  most  of  your  motor  skills  go  bye  bye  and  you  fall  into  your  own  goofy  goober  world  and  laugh  hysterically  for  under  a  minute.  I  think  it  kills  brain  cells  or  something,  but  it  only  lasts  for  a  minute,  why  wouldn’t  you  want  to  do  another,  and  another?  You  can  also  suck  nitrous  from  the  whipped  cream  cans  at  your  parents  house  (if  your  mom  hasn't  already  sucked  it  all  out),  and  then  enjoy  a  Sundae  with  soupy,  shitty  cream  on  top. So  there’s  your  crash  course  on  some  common  and  widely  available  legal  (sketchy)  drugs.  Marajuano  is  honestly  not  in  the  same  league  as  these  loopy  loophole  intoxicants,  and  is  far  less  likely  to  ruin  your  night.  So  next  time  you’re  bored  or  have  a  lot  of  homework  to  do,  give  legal  drugs  a  try:  you’ll  probably  regret  it. Â

HOW TO PROTECT YOUR CROP by Victor Orozco Sr.

Aside  from  hearing  the  sound  of  a  commie  scream-­ ing  in  pain  as  I  scalp  him  alive,  slowly;Íž  there  ain't  noth-­ ing  that  I  personally  enjoy  more  than  planting  a  delicate  seed  in  a  patch  of  soil  and  nurturing  it  until  it  becomes  a  strong  and  healthy  plant.  The  satisfaction  I  get  from  is  like  that  of  creating  artwork,  or  dropping  a  fat  deuce.  I  can’t  explain  it,  but  there  is  something  soothing  about  seeing  the  fruits  of  my  labor  manifest  themselves  physically.  There's  also  the  feeling  of  loss  and  despair  that  comes  along  with  losing  something  so  dear  to  me.  It  darn  near  makes  me  see  red  again.  Whether  from  natural  causes  like  vermin,  pests,  disease,  accidents  or  them  meddling,  trail-­mix  eating,  backpack  carrying,  fucking  hippie  deer  that  can't  mind  their  own  goddamned  business  and  end  up  running  their  mouths  and  bringing  other  deer  to  your  neck  of  the  woods,  losing  crops  happens  much  too  often.  While  I  can't  prevent  Mother  Nature  from  taking  her  toll  on  my  crop,  as  a  seasoned  farmer,  there  are  a  few  very  simple  steps  , WDNH WR KHOS HQVXUH WKDW QR JRGGDPQHG GHHU ZLOO ÂżQG LW 7KHUH are  many  ways  as  a  farmer  I  make  them  deerâ€?stay  quiet.  Back  in  â€˜Nam,  my  job  was  to  search  and  destroy  the  enemy,  and  I  saw  things.  Now  however,  for  close  to  half  a  decade  I  have  made  my  living  as  a  farmer  in  the  backwoods.  and  let  me  tell  you,  son,  FDPRXĂ€DJH LV WKH NH\ WR SUHYHQWLQJ GHHU IURP ÂżQGLQJ \RXU FURSV <RX YH JRWWD JHW \RXUVHOI VRPH FDPRXĂ€DJH QHWV LQ ZKDWHYHU color  best  blends  into  your  surroundings,  and  get  enough  to  cover  the  crop  from  a  deer  looking  over  from  a  ridge  or  a  helicopter.  The  idea  here  is  to  make  your  crop  look  like  it  is  just  another  part  of  the  forest.  Just  like  we  did  back  in  the  jungle. Prevention  and  preparation  are  the  keys  to  success.  Get  your-­

self  lots  of  guns:  the  more  the  merrier,  and  keep  them  handy.  Learn  how  to  hit  shit  with'  em.  And  remember,  guns  go  â€œbang.â€?  Only  use  them  if  you  have  to.  Otherwise,  it  might  make  other  deer  want  to  investigate-­  the  last  thing  you  want.  Another  sug-­ gestion  is  to  try  mixing  and  matching  so  you  get  some  variety  in  \RXU DUVHQDO $VLGH IURP \RXU DVVDXOW ULĂ€HV \RX OO QHHG D KXQWLQJ ULĂ€H ZLWK D VFRSH WR KLW GHHU IURP IDU DZD\ ZKLOH \RX VWD\ KLGGHQ and  a  shotgun  for  short  distance  to  rip  the  deer’s  face  off.  Limit  your  automatic  weapons  to  when  shit  really  hits  the  fan,  because  those  attract  more  attention  than  they  deter. Awareness  of  your  surroundings  another  key  to  protecting  your  crop.  I  suggest  setting  up  cameras  or  patrols  in  the  sur-­ rounding  area  so  that  you  are  aware  of  the  movements  of  the  deer  that  may  potentially  stumble  upon  your  crop.  The  amount  of  patrols  or  cameras  you  have  operating  will  be  determined  by  the  size  of  your  farm  and  how  much  you  want  it  to  stay  hidden.  You  can  even  get  those  fancy  nets  that  hide  your  operation  from  all  them  night-­vision-­thermal-­infrared  cameras.  Them  deers  are  gettin'  smarter,  you  know.  This  is  pretty  straight  forward,  but  for  god's  fucking  sake,  do  not  wear  cammies  and  carry  machine-­guns  while  you  are  patrolling.  Don’t  be  stupid.  The  last  thing  I’d  like  to  tell  you  folks  is  how  to  deal  with  the  unfortunate  deer  that  do   stumble  across  your  crops.  Sadly,  secrecy  is  the  only  way  that  you  can  ensure  that  your  operation  remains  undiscovered.  The  only  way  to  make  sure  that  your  farm  remains  a  secret  is  to  search  and  destroy  any  deer  that  do  happen  to  stumble  into  your  neck  of  the  woods.  Hooah!!  It  is  one  of  the  hardest  things  to  do,  but  let  me  assure  you  it  gets  better  the  more  you  do  it.  But  don’t  judge  me,  man!  It’s  not  my  fault;Íž  those  were  crazy  times.  You  don't  know  man,  you  weren't  there‌  As  for  getting  rid  of  evidence,  dismember  it,  stick  it  in  an  extra-­hold  garbage  bag,  add  some  lye,  and  carry  it  off  somewhere  remote  to  dispose  of  it.  No,  I  do  not  mean  the  â€œremoteâ€?  park-­ ing  lots.  remember  the  idea  is  to  make  it  disappear.  As  for  me  personally,  I  like  to  light  up  a  fatty,  drink  some  moonshine  and Â

have  myself  a  nice  â€œvenisonâ€?  steak.  I  have  plenty  of  it  in  my  Icebox  at  the  moment. If  you  be  having  some  per-­ sonal  issues,  meaning  you  ain't  man  enough  to  kill  a  deer,  go  watch  your-­ self  some  fucking  Bambi.  Just  the  scene  when  his  mom  gets  shot  by  a  hunter  a  hundred  times  and  cowboy  the  fuck  up.  You've  got  to  have  an  instinctual  urge  to  lock  and  load  when  you  even  think  of  deer  if  you  ever  want  to  be  a  farmer. Â

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011

Santa Cruz has a vibrant night life.

14

This Week:

Good ‘Samer’-itan

by Samer Hosn

The Fish Rap Live! Dive Team is a group of individuals dedicated to truthfully reviewing local establishments, commonly referred to as “Dive Bars.â€? Interested in becoming a member of this heralded UCSC tradition? Email fishraplive@gmail.com. I  know  this  is  late,  but  Fish  Rap  isn’t  your  period  so  stop  complaining.  Saint  Patrick’s  Day  is  a  day  when  alcoholics  wear  green  and  pretend  they  don’t  have  daddy  issues.  The  following  is  D WUXH VWRU\ WKDW KDV EHHQ FRQÂżUPHG E\ VREHU SHRSOH LQ WKH JURXS We  here  on  staff  wish  it  weren’t  all  true,  but  it  is.  7KH QLJKW VWDUWHG RII YHU\ VXDYHO\ ZLWK WZR SHRSOH ÂżQLVKLQJ D ÂżIWK RI &DSÂśPR $K KRZ QRVWDOJLF RI IUHVKPDQ \HDU LW ZDV %HLQJ WKDW , KDYH WKH WROHUDQFH RI D WRGGOHU DW $SSOHEHHÂśV , ZDV ready  for  some  more  booze.  We  headed  to  the  The  New  Jury  Room  for  some  cheap  ass  drank.  Once  we  got  there,  they  told  me  that  they  were  a  cash  only  EDU , GLGQÂśW VHH WKH $70 LQ WKH EDU VR , UDQ DOO WKH ZD\ WR WKH % RI $ IRXU EORFNV DZD\ ,ÂśP UHDOO\ EDG DW UXQQLQJ EHFDXVH WKH RQO\ time  I  ever  ran  is  when  the  ice  cream  truck  sped  up.  I  came  back  and  my  friend  was  sitting  with  a  cup  with  ice  in  it,  and  it  was  a  fairly  big  cup  and  full,  so  I  chugged  it,  having  been  thirsty  from  my  night  jog.  It  turned  out  that  sick  friend  of  mine  was  drinking  vodka  on  the  rocks.  That  itself  was  weird,  but  why  the  hell  is  it  in  such  a  huge  cup?  I  know  why,  that  bar  don’t  give  a  shit.  They  will  get  you  recession  drunk.  I’m  bad  at  math  and  good  at  drinking  but  I  know  I  got  f’d  up  on  $10. $IWHU FKXJJLQJ WKDW FUDS DQG WZR /RQJ ,VODQGV ODWHU ZH headed  to  a  shitty  bar  that  shaunt  be  named.  We  got  in  and  a  JURXS RI ELNHU ZLYHV ZDV ÂżJKWLQJ LQ DOO OHDWKHU LQ WKH SDUNLQJ ORW For  some  reason  I  saw  one  lady  and  thought  it  was  a  guy  beating  D ZRPDQ VR , WKRXJKW LW ZRXOG EH D JRRG LGHD WR VWRS WKH ÂżJKW I  tried  to  break  it  up  and  got  punched  on  accident  in  my  kidney/ lower  back  fat  general  region.  I  yelped,  not  a  good  restaurant  but  DQ $:(((

We  get  into  said  shit  bar  and  I  took  some  shots  and  had  a  beer  to  relieve  myself  from  my  battle  wounds.  I  end  up  see-­ ing  two  strippers  on  poles  in  the  back  of  this  sha’dynasty  EDU 2QH RI WKH VWULSSHUV NHSW WU\LQJ WR Ă€LS DQG ZUDS KHU OHJV DURXQG WKH EDU EXW FRXOGQÂśW 0\ IULHQGV VD\ , got  on  the  stage,  announced  into  the  microphone  ³WKLV LV KRZ LWÂśV GRQH ´ DQG SURFHHGHG WR Ă€LS DQG WZLUO RQ WKH SROH $ NLG LQ WKH GRUPV KDG a  stripper  pole  and  I  had  always  wanted  to  EH LQ &LUTXH 'X 6ROHLO VR , KDG OHDUQHG KRZ to  do  some  hyphy  shit.  Nothing  sexual,  more  circus  freak.  $IWHU EHLQJ HVFRUWHG RXW RI WKH EDU , UHDOL]HG WKDW RQH RI P\ IULHQGV ZDV PLVVLQJ , FRXOGQÂśW ÂżQG her  so  I  asked  around  and  someone  said  she  was  seen  going  into  a  nearby  house  with  a  guy.  Disclaimer:  The  following  is  the  bouncer’s  recollection,  not  mine.  I  knocked  on  the  door  and  he  told  me  to  â€œfuck  off,â€?  and  wouldn’t  let  me  see  if  my  friend  wanted  to  stay  or  not.  I  went  back  into  the  bar,  asked  someone  for  a  NQLIH %HLQJ DV LW LV 6DQWD &UX] , JRW RIIHUHG knives.  Please  note  I’m  not  trying  to  act  tough.  There  is  no  way  in  hell  I  would  ever  have  used  the  ZHDSRQ ,ÂśYH QHYHU EHHQ LQ D ÂżJKW LW WRRN PH XQWLO my  late  teens  to  accept  meat  into  my  diet,  I  cried  during  Finding  Neverland  and  I  scream  in  JOHH ZKHQ , VHH VTXLUUHOV ZKLFK LV ZK\ having  classrooms  with  big  windows  on  this  campus  has  been  a  Nelly  dilemma.

I  went  back  to  the  house,  told  the  guy  I  had  a  knife,  and  he  freaked  out  and  brought  my  friend  out,  who  was  kind  of  distraught.  I  felt  like  Superman,  with  a  knife.  She  was  very  excited  because  the  guy  seemed  to  have  that  look  in  his  eye  and  was  being  aggressive.  Thankful  for  my  rescue,  we  went  in  and  ordered  shots,  but  they  escorted  us  out  again  and  we  never  got  them.While  outside  I  heard  crying  coming  from  a  bush.  I’m  mad  biblical  so  I  went  and  talked  to  the  bush,  only  to  notice  that  it  was  a  sleeping  lady,  the  lady  who  was  LQYROYHG LQ WKH TXDUUHO HDUOLHU FRYHUHG LQ EORRG and  wearing  all  leather.  She  said  she  needed  to  get  home,  but  couldn’t  walk.  I  found  a  shopping  cart  in  the  parking  lot  of  this  ever  so  classy  bar,  and  put  her  in  it,  and  ran  in  the  middle  of  the  street  with  her  in  it.  I  headed  to  my  house  downtown  and  had  a  great  talk  with  this  woman.  Turns  out  homegirl  is  about  a  decade  older  than  my  mother  and  my  mom  did  not  have  me  at  her  TXLQFH VR WKLV ODG\ ZDV ROG 6KH WROG PH WKDW KHU ER\IULHQG injected  her  with  heroin  in  her  sleep  to  keep  her  with  him,  that  she’s  broke  and  that  she  loved  me  for  being  her  guard-­ LDQ DQJOH $IWHU RIIHULQJ PH IHOODWLR IRU WKH OLIW VKH VDLG she  didn’t  actually  have  a  house  and  that  she  was  missing  a  FKXQN RI KDLU IURP WKH ÂżJKW DQG WKLV ODG\ GLG QRW KDYH D weave,  let  alone  a  weave  that  wasn’t  clip  on  you  feel  me?  That  shit  was  hair  hair.  I  declined  the  tossing  of  the  frontal  salad  and  went  home.  Turns  out  I’m  awesome  when  I  drink.

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LAKE: Giving & Receiving 6.3 by Mark “Erica Meyersâ€? Delyani With Â

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tKLUG /3 Âł*LY-­ ing  and  Taking,â€?  /$.( D EDQG from  Olympia,  Wa s h i n g t o n ,  radically  rejects  DQG UHGHÂżQHV the  idea  of  Riot  *LUO VW\OH SXQN rock.  Despite  being  from  the  hailing  from  the  UHJLRQ WKDW EURXJKW XV %LNLQL .LOO DQG .XUW &R-­ bain,  they  bring  to  the  table  a  new  evolution  of  5LRW *LUO WKDW VKDNHV RII WKH WZR RU WKUHH FKRUG simple  verse-­chorus-­verse  song  structure  with  shouted  lyrics  of  revolution  and  second-­wave  feminist  themes,  and  instead  features  acous-­ tic  guitars,  pianos,  horns,  and  sing-­song  lyrics  about  nature,  rather  than  social  justice.  I,  for  one,  am  very  distressed  by  this,  I  mean,  how  is  WKLV JRLQJ WR KHOS ÂżJKW WKH SDWULDUFK\ RWKHU WKDQ by  lulling  it  into  a  false  sense  of  security. 5HDOO\ WKLV VR FDOOHG 5LRW *LUO DFW FRPHV RII DV DQ LQRIIHQVLYH 'DYH 0DWWKHZV %DQG RU an  offensive  Jack  Johnson,  mixed  with  hipster  groove  bands  like  John  Vanderslice  or  The  0RXQWDLQ *RDWV ,Q WKH HQG Âł*LYLQJ DQG 7DN-­

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011

ingâ€?  comes  off  as  heavy  on  style,  but  light  of  discernible  substance-­  chanting  and  mumbling  lyrics  may  sound  good,  but  it  makes  the  mes-­ sage  of  the  songs  hard  to  understand. If  a  song  is  constructed  like  a  house,  then  this  album  is  the  inner-­city  neighborhood  gen-­ WULÂżHG E\ WKH UDFLVW SROLFLHV RI WKH VWDWH 7KH houses  are  there  and  look  pretty,  but  behind  closed  doors  things  are  darker  and  senseless,  a  whirlpool  of  post-­colonial  colonization  and  do-­ mestic  hegemony.  But  I  guess  that’s  what  Riot  *LUO LV RXW WR GR GLVWXUE WKH DXGLHQFH LQWR SD\-­ ing  attention  to  the  issues  that  really  matter  to  us  as  a  whole.

KARL BLAU: Max (#4.20) by Kim Reyes , ÂżUVW KHDUG DERXW .DUO %ODX IURP 3LWFKIRUN and  although  you’ve  probably  never  heard  of  him,  you’ll  want  to  feature  him  on  your  â€œBoring-­ $VV 0XVLF 7KDW +HOSV 0H 6WXG\ and  Sleepâ€?  play-­ list.  Blau’s  sound  is  like  elevator  music  remixed  with  synthesiz-­

ers  and  topped  off  with  the  monotonous  vocal  VW\OLQJV RI D W\SLFDO IRON VLQJHU 7KH ÂżUVW VRQJ RII WKH (3 FDOOHG Âł)RU 7HQQLVFRDWV´ WDNHV WKH role  of  the  token  instrumental  song  that  no  one  ever  bothers  playing,  simply  because  it  does  not  KDYH O\ULFV Âł&HOHEUDWH E\ 6LQJLQJ´ LV %ODXÂśV half-­assed  attempt  to  create  a  power-­ballad  anthem  encouraging  us  to  assert  our  rights  to-­ day  because  it’s  our  time—yeah,  anarchy!  On  ³*ROGHQ &KDULRW´ %ODX ZULWHV DERXW KRZ VL-­ lence  is  golden,  yet  unfortunately,  does  not  take  KLV RZQ DGYLFH 7KH ODVW VRQJ Âł$ 0HORG\ WR :DNH 8V LQ WKH 0RUQLQJ´ ÂżQLVKHV RII WKH DO-­ bum  with  almost  uninterpretable  lyrics,  making  this  song  the  best  one  of  all.  Basically,  if  you’re  looking  for  some  obscure  music  to  impress  your  IULHQGV ZLWK SLFN XS .DUO %ODXÂśV 0D[

Resume Vol. 1 Compilation- 9.0 Megathrust by Mark Delyani 1RZ , OLNH 7KH 1HXWUDO 0LON +RWHOV DV PXFK as  the  next  guy,  but  the  state  of  indie  rock  as  according  to  â€œResume  Vol.  1â€?  really  surprised  me.  For  a  compilation  touting  itself  as  an  in-­ GLH URFN EHQHÂżW WR WKH YLFWLPV RI WKH -DSDQHVH WVXQDPL DQG HDUWKTXDNH , ZDV H[SHFWLQJ HYHU\ song  to  be  bouncy  glockenspiel-­soaked  boy/girl  G\QDPLF WZHH SRS OLNH /$.( RU HDUO\ %HOOH

Sebastian.  How-­ ever,  the  album  is  a  diverse  mix  of  OR Âż IRONV\ URFN moody  electron-­ ica,  post-­rock  jarring  enough  to  make  Sigur  RĂłs  VRXQG OLNH .H KD and  sentimental  ballads  cute  enough  make  Jeff  Tweedy  want  to  fuck  a  puppy. “Resume  Vol.  1â€?  makes  no  bones  about  it;Íž  the  main  draws  of  the  album  are  the  tracks  by  hipster  heavyweights  like  Wolf  Parade,  Quasi,  DQG :RUOG *DQJ EXW WKH UHDO ELWV RI DXUDO JROG come  in  the  form  of  the  songs  by  the  lesser  known  bands  and  artists  that  hit  you  like  a  tidal  ZDYH RI XQH[SHFWHG TXDOLW\ :DLW 6KLW WKDW ODVW line  was  pretty  screwed  up.  For  a  compilation  album,  all  of  the  songs  work  remarkably  well  WRJHWKHU DQG ZKLOH LWÂśV QR Âł,Q WKH $HURSODQH Over  the  Sea,â€?  many  of  the  songs  beckon  the  OLVWHQHU WR JHW XS DQG QRW GDQFH DORQJ $V D whole,  it’s  polished  and  pretty,  but  still  retains  WKH UDJJHG HGJHV DQG TXLUNV WKDW PDNH LQGLH URFN ZKDW LW LV 6WHYH 0DONPXV LV SUREDEO\ spinning  in  his  grave.

These will be the best four years of your life!

First  dates  are  always  fun,  exciting,  and  have  unexpected  outcomes.  Nothing  is  better  than  meeting  someone  attractive  enough  to  catch  your  interest,  and  pitiful  enough  to  agree  to  date  you.  This  is  a  guide  to  help  \RX ZLWK XQIRUWXQDWH ¿UVW GDWH RFFXUUHQFHV DQG WKH SURSHU SURWRFRO IRU each.  So  you  have  a  date  for  a  movie  on  Friday  night,  but  when  Thursday  UROOV DURXQG \RX ¿QG RXW WKHLU IDWKHU KDV SDVVHG DZD\ 7KHUH DUH VR PDQ\ ZD\V \RX FDQ ZRUN WKLV WR \RXU DGYDQWDJH )LUVW RII \RX GRQ¶W QHFHV-­ VDULO\ NQRZ LI WKLV LV XQIRUWXQDWH RU QRW $IWHU DOO WKH\ PD\ KDYH KDWHG WKHLU IDWKHU 6R WHVW WKH ZDWHUV ZLWK D IULHQGO\ \HW VXSSRUWLYH WH[W UHPLQGLQJ WKHP RI WKHLU FRP-­ PLWPHQW WR \RX WKLV IULGD\ 2QFH \RX KDYH DQ DI¿UPDWLYH DQVZHU EH VXUH WR SLFN DQ XSOLIWLQJ PRYLH WR ZDWFK 5HPHPEHU WR FKHFN WKH WLPHV PD\EH HYHQ RIIHU WR SLFN WKHP XS VHHLQJ DV WKH\¶UH SUREDEO\ WRR HPRWLRQDO WR GULYH $OVR WKDW HQVXUHV WKH\ FDQ¶W OHDYH \RX KDOI ZD\ WKURXJK WKH PRYLH IRU ³IDPLO\ REOLJDWLRQV ´ This  is  a  tricky  scenario;;  leave  your  wallet  at  home  for  this  date  be-­ FDXVH LI WKLV FRQWLQXHV \RX PLJKW KDYH WR JR WR FKHDS GDWHV RU ZRUVH \RX PLJKW HYHQ KDYH WR FRYHU VRPH RI WKHLU SDWKHWLF WDE %H VXUH WR SLFN D GDWH WKDW¶V IXQ DQG LQH[SHQVLYH HQRXJK WKDW WKH\ ZRQ¶W PLQG VSHQGLQJ WKHLU ODVW ELW RI FDVK RQ \RX

15

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Your Love Is My Drug: Sex Under The Influence by Stephanie Liao

Heavy  panting.  Sweat  dripping  from  his  brow.  Jaw  clenched.  Hands  moving  rapidly  around  trying  to  grasp  at  anything  within  reach.  And  then,  when  you  look  up  to  see  his  face  scrunched  up  in  pain  as  if  you  just  ripped  his  dick  off,  he  cums.  His  number  one  goal  for  the  night.  Too  bad  it  all  only  took  3  minutes  for  him  to  get  there.  Sound  familiar,  ladies?  Let’s  face  it.  This  hookup  has  happened  to  you  at  least  once  in  your  time  here  at  UC  Santa  Cruz.  And  who’s  to  blame?  The  alcohol?  The  drugs?  The  leftover  resin  bowl  from  his  roommate’s  crack  pipe?  Hate  to  break  it  to  you  but  the  answer  is  all  of  the  above.  And  then  some.  So  you  wonder,  how  can  I,  a  woman  of  quality  who  deserves  a  good  orgasm,  avoid  situations  like  this?  How  can  I  successfully  have  good  sex  when  I’m  partying  with  boys  who  love  drugs  and  alcohol?  Well,  ladies,  you’re  in  luck  because  I  have  done  the  legwork  for  you!  In  my  journalistic  research,  I  have  summed  up  my  experiences  with  boys  on  drugs  and  UHYLHZHG WKHP LQ RUGHU WR KHOS \RX QDYLJDWH \RXU QH[W GUXQNHQO\ IXFNHG XS URPS ZLWK WKRVH FXWH ER\V \RX ORYH WR ÀLUW ZLWK DW WKH SDUW\ 5DWHG E\ KRZ ELJ WKH YLEUDWRU ZLOO QHHG WR EH LQ DGGLWLRQ WR KLV penis  to  get  you  off,  the  smaller  the  better. Â

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6LQFH ZH¶UH DW 6DQWD &UX] ZKR LVQ¶W smoking  weed?  Last  time  I  checked,  HYHU\ JX\ ,¶YH HYHU LQYLWHG LQWR P\ bedroom  would  have  at  least  smoked  PH RXW RQFH +RZHYHU LI \RXU GXGH is  moving  a  little  too  slow  for  your  SDFH FKDQFHV DUH KH PLJKW EH WRR VWRQHG DOUHDG\ &KHFN WR VHH KRZ bloodshot  his  eyes  are  or  if  his  eyes  DUH HYHQ RSHQ HQRXJK WR $7 /($67 ¿QG \RXU FOLW ,I QRW OHW KLV DVV SDVV RXW DQG IRUJHW DERXW WKDW RUJDVP $OVR LI KH¶V PXWWHULQJ UDQGRP VKLW KH¶V WKLQNLQJ DERXW OLNH ZK\ -HVXV has  such  a  rocking  beard  and  how  babies  are  scary  miniature  humans,  WKH DZNZDUGQHVV LV LQHYLWDEOH $YRLG LW $W WKDW SRLQW KH¶V DOUHDG\ LQ VSDFH /HDYH KLP WKHUH Rating:  8=====D Overall:  Only  if  you’re  not  too  stoned  and  lazy  to  do  most  of  the  work. Â

,I \RX ¿QG \RXUVHOI VXUURXQGHG E\ WUHQG\ KLSVWHUV ZKLOH \RX UH shitfaced  and  horny,  try  out  the  cutie  LQ VNLQQ\ MHDQV ZLWK WKDW KXJH EXOJH ZKR V H\HV ORRN OLNH EXWWRQV 7KHUH¶V nothing  like  a  little  nose  candy  to  get  KLV EORRG SXPSLQJ DQG KLV DQLPDO LQVWLQFWV UXQQLQJ ZLOG +H¶OO SURE-­ DEO\ VWDUW RII E\ DJJUHVVLYHO\ ULSSLQJ to  shreds  whatever  your  wearing  EXW KH\ 7KDW¶V DOO SDUW RI WKH IXQ 1HYHUPLQG WKH URXJK PDQ KDQGOLQJ FUHHS\ KHDY\ EUHDWKLQJ DQG WKDW FUD]HG ORRN LQ KLV H\HV \RX¶UH GUXQN DQ\ZD\ %HZDUH WKRXJK KH KDV WKH SRWHQWLDO WR SORZ \RX OLNH D MDFN UDE-­ ELW LI \RX¶UH QRW FDUHIXO 2QFH \RX IHHO KLP SLFNLQJ XS WKH SDFH LQWR WKH machine-­gun-­thrusts  territory,  buck  him  off  the  bed  and  then  demand  for  KLP WR SD\ EHWWHU DWWHQWLRQ 'RQ W IRU-­ JHW WR FKHFN WR VHH MXVW KRZ IDVW KLV SXOVH LV JRLQJ WRR :RXOGQ¶W ZDQW him  to  go  into  cardiac  arrest  when  all  \RX¶UH WU\LQJ WR GR LV JHW \RXUV Rating:  8=D Overall:  It  might  cost  you  a  couple  of  ripped  condoms  at  the  rate  he’ll  be  going,  but  not  bad  to  say  the  least.  At  least  he’ll  be  awake  and  coherent.  That’s  a  privilege. Â

%\ IDU D JX\ RQ ; LV \RXU GUHDP PDQ LQ WKH VDFN +LV SK\VLFDO VHQVHV ZLOO EH DW WKH KLJKHVW SHDN SRVVLEOH PDNLQJ KLP ZDQW WR H[SORUH HYHU\ inch  of  your  body  as  well  as  have  \RX H[SORUH KLV 'HSHQGLQJ RQ KRZ ORQJ KH¶V EHHQ UROOLQJ KH¶OO SUREDEO\ ZDQW WR ERQH DOO QLJKW $QG QRW MXVW ERQH $V ORQJ DV \RX HQFRXUDJH D OLWWOH IRUHSOD\ KH¶OO EH GRZQ EHWZHHQ your  thighs  for  hours  before  he  even  QRWLFHV :KHQ KH¶V UHDG\ VODS RQ WKDW UXEEHU DQG JR DW LW +H¶OO EH DEOH WR SHQHWUDWH \RX LQVLGH RXW XSVLGH down,  and  however  else  you  want  LW \RX GLUW\ JLUO ,W¶V H[DFWO\ ZKDW WKH GRFWRU RUGHUHG &RQVLGHU \RXU YDJLQD ZDUQHG WKRXJK WKH QH[W GD\ ZLOO EH D GD\ IRU WKH LFH SDFN XS \RXU VNLUW $ FRQVLGHUDEOH DPRXQW RI HI-­ IRUW ZLOO EH SXW LQWR WKLV VH[ VHVVLRQ E\ KLP EXW LI SRVVLEOH LJQRUH KLV H[DFHUEDWHG FODLPV RQ KRZ PXFK KH ORYHV \RX DQG KRZ VSHFLDO \RX DUH 7KDW¶V MXVW WKH GUXJ WDONLQJ Rating:

Overall:  Better  hope  the  next  day  is  saved  for  the  recovery  of  your   serotonin  levels  and  your  vagina. Â

<RX NQRZ WKDW KRW JX\ DW WKH SDUW\ ZKR ZRQ W VKXW WKH IXFN XS DERXW KRZ JUHDW KH LV DW EHHU SRQJ ZKLOH KH VKRRWV HQGOHVV SLQJ SRQJ EDOOV LQWR UHG SODVWLF FXSV IRU SUDFWLFH" <RX NQRZ ZKR , P WDONLQJ DERXW WKH RQH DW WKH IUDW SDUWLHV <HDK KH V QRW WKH VH[LHVW VPDUWHVW RU HYHQ WKH most  remotely  interesting  guy,  but  KH VXUH LV WKH PHDW \RX UH FUDYLQJ IRU WKH QLJKW 7DNH WKDW WK VKRW RI SODVWLF ERWWOH YRGND DQG JHW \RXU ÀLUW RQ :KHQ KH QRWLFHV \RXU LQWHUHVW KLV QH[W PRYH ZLOO LQHYLWDEO\ EH offering  you  a  drink  with  what  he  FDOOV ³VSHFLDO VHOW]HU ´ 'LVWUDFW KLP by  making  fun  of  nerds  and  throwing  D SLQJ SRQJ EDOO DW D QHDUE\ YLFWLP :KHQ KH WXUQV WR ZDWFK DQG ODXJK VZLWFK WKH GULQNV 7R VDWLVI\ \RXU LQQHU QHFURSKLOLD JXLGH KLP LQWR DQ HPSW\ URRP EHIRUH KH EODFNV RXW DQG KDYH \RXU ZD\ ZLWK KLP ,I KLV GLFN FDQ W VWD\ XS IRU WRR ORQJ KDYH VRPH WRLOHW SDSHU FDUGERDUG UROOV KDQG\ +RZHYHU SDSHU WRZHO UROOV DUH LGHDO Rating:  8===========D Overall:  This  is  the  ultimate  "fuck  you"  on  him  for  trying  to  pull  a  fast  one  on  ya.  You  can  unleash  your  raunchiest,  dirtiest,  most  fucked  up  fantasy  on  a  revenge  fuck. Â

DND ³5RR¿HV´

$GGHUDOO

'XULQJ PLGWHUPV DQG ¿QDOV D QLFH IXFNIHVW LV WKH SHUIHFW ZD\ WR VKDNH RII VWUHVV <RX OO ¿QG \RXU SUH\ DW 0F+HQU\ OLEUDU\ EUHDWK-­ LQJ VXVSLFLRXVO\ ORXG DQG WDSSLQJ KLV IRRW XQFRQWUROODEO\ 7HPSW KLP with  cleavage  and  tell  him  to  meet  you  in  a  viewing  room  downstairs  LQ WKH 0HGLD &HQWHU 'RQ W OHW KLP FRQFHQWUDWH WRR ORQJ LQ RQH SODFH XQ-­ less  he  wants  to  concentrate  on  your  FOLWRULV RU \RXU J VSRW ,I KH JHWV ORFNHG LQ RQ RQH VSRW NHHS D VSUD\ bottle  of  water  handy  to  give  him  a  OLWWOH ZDNH XS ZKHQ KH V QRW GRLQJ ZKDW \RX ZDQW +H SUREDEO\ ZRQ W get  that  creative  when  it  comes  to  SRVLWLRQLQJ RU SDFH EXW DOO \RX QHHG LV D TXLFN IXFN DQ\ZD\ ,I \RX KDYH HQRXJK SDWLHQFH OHW KLP WDNH QRWHV RQ KRZ KH FDQ JHW EHWWHU DW IXFNLQJ 7KH\ OO FRPH LQ KDQG\ IRU KLP ODWHU ,I VWHDG\ LV \RXU VW\OH WKHQ $GGHUDOO LV \RXU EHVW SOD\PDWH Rating:  8================D Overall:  Tedious  but  nice,  and  by  nice  I  mean  predictable  and  boring.  If  you're  lucky,  the  sex  could  be  simi-­ lar  to  a  guy  on  cocaine  in  terms  of  the  jack  hammering  but  less  exciting  since  he'll  be  staring  at  that  same  spot  above  your  head  the  entire  time. Â

The Fish Rap Live! April 20, 2011

DR. HARRY BUDS’ MEDICAL CLINIC 1HHG WR JHW \RXU À[" :DQW WR JHW VRPH RI WKDW JRRG VWXII" +DYLQJ WURXEOH JRLQJ RQ ZLWKRXW LW"

HAVE:

WANT:

Cancer? Glaucoma? Trouble Sleeping? Social Anxiety? Low Blood Pressure? Temperament Issues? A Totally Bummer Mood? Good Lungs? Whatever Made Gary Coleman Short?

Cottonmouth? Bloodshot Eyes? Increased Tolerance for Hot Pockets? Social Anxiety? Uncontrollable Laughing? Pot Belly? A Finer Appreciation of King Crimson? Lowered Expectations? A Good Time?

THEN FISH RAP LIVE! MAY BE RIGHT FOR YOU “I’ve been prescribing Fish Rap Live! to my patients, family, and friends for years! They all seem to be doing ok, except Uncle Rick.” --Dr. Harry Buds A Doctor

Let Dr. Harry Buds assess you for primo doses of cheap dank comedy. Disclaimer: Although decriminalized in California, Fish Rap Live is still illegal. FRL! is only to be utilized within the state and may not be transported on airplanes per Federal Aviation Administration Code 8008135 To get your prescription for Fish Rap Live!, come to the ARCenter at 8pm, every Tuesday night.

Cut n’ Save Coupons

Make your own fake* I.D.!

*For novelty use only

Valid Only on

4/20/2011

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