Volume 21, Issue 7 by Fish Rap Live!

Thanks to all of our special new benefactors! Donate to FRL! and see your name in the page titles!

Editor-in-Chief Erin Schmalfeld Assistant Editors Emmy Ballard James Shea Business Manager Jun Takeda Art Editor Melissa Rachel Black Contributors Amanda Vivrette, Antonia Pecchia, Brendan Woodruff, Brian Murphy Harker, Chloi Rad, Danielle Enns, David Dines, David Perlmutter, Eamon Donovan, Grant Golland, Gregory Ronquillo, Jared Rosen, Mark Delyani, Melissa Rachel Black, Nicole Green, Phillipa Todhunter Become a Fan on Facebook! search: The Fish Rap Live! Follow FRL on Twitter ZZZ WZLWWHU FRP ¿VKUDSOLYH Friend us on Neopets (seriously) Username: Fishraplive Snail Mail Attn: The Fish Rap Live! Press Center University of California, Santa Cruz 1156 High Street Santa Cruz, CA 95064-1077 ¿VKUDSOLYH#JPDLO FRP Fish Rap Mantra “Fish Rap Live!: the only UCSC SDSHU RI¿FLDOO\ HQGRUVHG E\ 6RQLF Youth.”

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Thanks for sharing our 21st birthday year with us! The Fish Rap Live! June 1, 2010

Class of

2010!

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR First of all, I want to say that I think you’re really great. Like, really really great, and that makes this even harder. We’ve had some totally awesome times together and I know that I’m never going to forget you... wait, okay, I’m getting ahead of myself. God, this is so hard. :KHQ ZH PHW DOPRVW IRXU \HDUV DJR , KDG QR LGHD KRZ VHULRXV ZH ZHUH JRLQJ WR JHW , ¿JXUHG ZH¶G KDYH D OLWWOH fun, I’d take a few fem studies and creative writing classes and drop out pretty quick when I met someone hot and/ or rich enough that could take me away from it all to a beautiful island like Barbados where I could have a million babies and two million puppies. But it wasn’t long before I realized that I only had eyes for you, UCSC, and it’s been a magical journey. I’ve learned so much from our relationship: take classes that satisfy multiple GE’s, never date someone who’s battled addictions to hardcore drugs, and how many drinks I can have before I black out. Those were some of the best times in my life, and I’m always going to remember that you were a huge part of it. We’ve tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter. But I feel like we’re growing apart, and I’m discovering more and more that I’m just not at a point in my life right now where I can seriously commit to anything that isn’t a snack food. It’s not you, it’s me. It’s time to move on to something new -- like a job in the mall. I’d really look cute in one of those Hot Dog On a Stick hats. Don’t you think? No, no, please don’t cry. I’m going to miss you, please believe me when I say that. We’ve had a good run. I’ll probably look back on our relationship as the best of my life. Shhh, shhhh. No, you’re right. One for the road is a great idea. One more issue. Think of it as severance. We’ll always have this moment, my darling. Goodbye Forever! Erin Schmalfeld P.S. Don’t worry, I won’t leave you alone. I have some friends that I think you’ll really hit it off with. Their names are James and Emmy. Here, let me give you their number. P.P.S. Really though, it’s been a pleasure. We’ve had a huge year and I’ve been honored to head up FRL! Vaya con Dios, Banana Slugs! +H\ EDE\GROOV :KHQ ZH MRLQHG )LVK 5DS WZR \HDUV DJR QHLWKHU RI XV HYHU WKRXJKW ZH¶G VHH DQ HGLWRU¶V SRVLWLRQ $W ¿UVW -DPHV was shat on at every possible opportunity, and Emmy seemed too wholesome for the Fish Rap Live! But as time went on, Emmy got more and more vulgar while James... well, James still gets shat on and will be until graduation. And while we began the year with a bitter rivalry over who would become Editor-in-Chief, we’ve come to a simple solution: halfsies. It’s like weekend custody of the Fish Rap Live! or a really economical way to split a sandwich. We’ll be your new favorite dynamic duo, like Milo and Otis. James can be Otis. I guess what we mean to say is that we’re really excited for next year. Your new best friends, Emmy Ballard and James Shea 'HDU ¿VKLHV Sorry you didn’t get that much support last time from people who are so happy about your changes! But I wanted to let you know that a lot of people I know (and me too) who had been big fans before it degenerated into racist/sexist/homophobic perpetuation are thrilled and looking forward to reading FRL! again. I can totally understand how women (and men I’m sure) would feel uncomfortable working on this paper in a group with that kind of dynamics and I am glad that you have spoken out against it and not let those few overpower the whole course of the paper. I don’t think that media-- especially student media like FRL!-- are by any means supposed to try to please everyone, but I completely agree with what you all said that it really does take more creativity and wit to come up with jokes that aren’t the same ole cliche racist, homophobic, sexist, classist, fat jokes, etc. We really don’t need more of it, people in the de-privileged positions don’t need to be reminded; they/we experience it everyday. So I just wanted to let you know that I support this move, I think you’re already improving a lot! I know it’s hard but I have faith that you can come up with some real good stuff. /RYH %XWLJRWWDDGPLW , /RYHSRWW\MRNHV

'HDU *RWWD 3RWW\ This letter made my whole week and PRQWK ,W ZDV UHDOO\ KDUG WR WU\ DQG ¿[ WKLQJV but I feel good about all the work we’ve done and the condition that I’m leaving the paper in. It’s my hope that we can keep on keepin’ on and making jokes far into the future. Hopefully at that point I’ll have a nice robot boyfriend DQG ZH FDQ VLW DURXQG E\ RXU IDNH ¿UH DQG chuckle together over each new article. I don’t think we’ll ever be able to make everyone KDSS\ EXW \RXU FRQ¿GHQFH PHDQV D ORW +DSS\ -XQH (ULQ 'HDU )LVK 5DS (GLWRU I can’t believe the disrespect we’re seeing from your writers. We got approached by one of your staff members inquiring on whether we would like to buy an ad for your publication. He was a frumpy looking guy with glasses and shaggy hair. Looked like a nerd. <RXU HQWLUH VWDII SUREDEO\ ¿WV WKLV GHVFULSWLRQ but whatever. Anyway, guy looks me in the eye and says, “You could probably use some help getting these cookies to sell. You could use our help.” Can you believe the nerve of this fuckin’ guy? Coming up to me and telling me how to run my business. Listen, kids. These are cookies and we’re the king pins of this here cookie selling game. We’re the fucking Michael Corleones of cookie dealing. We’re Cookies-R-Us. You know why people love us? Because we are cookies. Cookies are us. It’s like Toys-R-Us except with cookies. CookiesR-Us. Don’t like the name? Suck a lemon.

We don’t need an ad in your paper to sell cookies. They fucking sell themselves. We make a good batch and we sell. We make a shitty batch and we sell twice as much and you know why? Because they’re fucking cookies. This... this is forever. And we don’t need some fucking ad to spread the word about our cookies. All we need to sell these delicious delicaFLHV LV WKH VZHDW RI P\ EURZ DQG WKH ¿UHV LQ my oven. You know why cookies smell so delicious? Fuck you, that’s why. Keep my name off your lips and take your paper elsewhere. /RYH &RRNLHV 5 8V 'RZQWRZQ 6DQWD &UX] QH[W WR WKH ZHLUG JX\ ZLWK WKH DFFRUGLRQ PS: And don’t let me hear that you poor brokeas-a-joke sons of bitches are trying to have a bake sale to raise money for your Onion-ripoff of a paper. Yall motherfuckers will be deader than Tupac. +L &RRNLHV 5 8V Wait, did someone say ‘cookies?!?!?’ I LOVE cookies! Have you ever considered advertising in the Fish Rap? I don’t know which one of my staffers approached you, but I can be very pursuasive when it comes to convincing nice gentlemen to give me money. Then again, I tend to agree to things that I otherwise wouldn’t when there are cookies involved. Either way, I have a feeling that this is the start of something good. Are you looking for a wife? .LVVHV (ULQ

Spike of the ACLU

Top 5 Dumbest Moments in UCSC Activism by Gregory Ronquillo

To become a successful student protest movement you have a couple of pre-requisites: popular support, a clear enemy, attainable and unattainable goals, organizational skills, and an ability to mobilize bodies on a large scale. Optional items include clubs, knives, guns, tanks, a vague understanding of Marxist politics, and a bad sense of humor. At UCSC our student movement is somewhat hit and miss on many of these points. We get basic points like “have a clear enemy” wrong. This is where things like the mid-May library occupations come from. A protest with the stated goals of helping the library that took shape through… occupying the library (and pissing off the already overworked underpaid library workers). I wish I could say that this is an abhorrent outlier in the realm of SURWHVW PRYHPHQWV EXW LW DLQ¶W /XFNLO\ IRU WKHP LW GRHVQ¶W HYHQ FUDFN WKH WRS ¿YH +HUH DW )LVK 5DS ZH GLG RXU GLOLJHQW UHVHDUFK WR ¿QG ¿YH HYHQ GXPEHU PRPHQWV LQ VWXGHQW SURWHVWV WKDW SXW RXU VKLW WR shame. UCSC Students Burn Forest to Save the Trees: Protest Against Long Range Development ,Q WKH )DOO RI ¶ WKH 8QLYHUVLW\ XQYHLOHG SODQV WR EXLOG &ROOHJHV DQG 7KH SURSRVDO ZRXOG FXW GRZQ KXQGUHGV RI 5HGZRRG WUHHV WR PDNH WKH DFFRPPRGDWLRQ DQG 8&6&¶V DFWLYLVW FRPPXQLW\ ZDV LQ DQ XSURDU “You already cut down hundreds of trees to build College 8, and what JRRG GLG WKDW GR" 7KH FROOHJH GRHVQ¶W HYHQ KDYH D QDPH ´ 3URWHVW OHDGHU -HVVLFD 6FKZDUW] VDLG LQ DQ LQWHUYLHZ “Cutting down all those trees would EH VR ZLFNHG\ ZLFNHG\ ZDFN 8JK JDJ PH ZLWK D VSRRQ 7KH DGPLQLVWUDWLRQ ZDV OLNH µUHDG P\ OLSV QR QHZ FROOHJHV ¶ WKHQ WKH\ ZHUH OLNH µSV\FK ¶ 6XFK EXOOVKLW 1RZ H[FXVH PH ,¶P JRQQD JR SXW RQ WKH QHZ )RXU 1RQ %ORQGHV DOEXP ´ :KHQ WKH EXOOGR]HUV DSSURDFKHG DQG FRQVWUXFWLRQ ZDV VHW WR FRPPHQFH D IHZ \HDUV ODWHU the protestors did what any rational human beings would do: They set the upper campus forest on ¿UH 7KH DGPLQLVWUDWLRQ FDQ¶W FXW GRZQ WUHHV WKDW GRQ¶W H[LVW ULJKW" 3UHVLGHQW RI 8&6& .DUO 3LVWHU VDLG ³:HOO WKDW ZDV XVHIXO« QRW ´ Anarchy in the BK: Protest Against Capital/Removal of Spicy Tendercrisp $PHULFDQV ZHUH JUHDWO\ VDGGHQHG WR KHDU WKDW %XUJHU .LQJ KDG FKRVHQ WR GLVFRQWLQXH LWV SRSXODU 6SLF\ 7HQGHUFULVS VDQGZLFK 7KH DQDUFKLVW FRPPXQLW\ LQ 6DQWD &UX] VDZ WKLV DV DQ RSSRUWXnity to rage against the machine and try to bring back this popuODU VDQGZLFK 7KH PDLQ DJLWDWRU ³6SXG ´ JDYH DQ LQWHUYLHZ WR D ORFDO QHZVSDSHU RQ WKH LQFLGHQW ³7KH ORVV RI RXU EHORYHG VDQGZLFK LV WKH IDXOW RI FDSLWDOLVP ,I \RX HQG FDSLWDO HYHU\RQH JHWV 6SLF\ 7HQGHUFULVSV 4XRG HUDW GHPRQVWUDWXP EUR ´ ,Q WKH HQG WKH %XUJHU .LQJ DQDUFK\ SURWHVW GLG YHU\ OLWWOH WR EULQJ EDFN WKH VDQGZLFK , WUDFNHG GRZQ 6SXG WR JHW D FRPPHQW RQ WKH HYHQW ,Q RXU SKRQH LQWHUYLHZ KH VDLG ³, KDYH QR LGHD ZKDW ZHQW ZURQJ :H ZHUH VHW RQ EULQJLQJ DQDUFK\ WR %. ,I WKH %XUJHU .LQJGRP LVQ¶W UHDG\ IRU D EXQFK RI DQJU\ DQDUFKLVWV« *RG VDYH WKH 4XHHQ ´ The Time That Table Got Tipped Over: Protest Against… uhh… 5HPHPEHU WKDW WLPH \RX ZHQW WR 4XDUU\ 3OD]D FDXVH \RX VDZ D crowd gathering and you saw some Abbie Hoffman wannabe going on DQG RQ DERXW ³WKH PRYHPHQW´ DQG ZKHQ KH ¿QLVKHV KH WLSSHG RYHU WKDW table in raw baby-like anger and we all exchanged eye rolling glances? :HOO \HDK WKDW WLPH

Occupation of Janitor’s Closet: Protest Against Janitorial Budget Cuts 'XULQJ :LQWHU RI ¶ WKH DGministration announced that 15 8&6& MDQLWRUV ZRXOG EH OHW JR and a gang of trash eating goats ZRXOG EH KLUHG LQ WKHLU SODFH The goats were of course nonunion migrants that were being paid off the books (one renegade JRDW VXEVHTXHQWO\ DWH WKH ERRN LQ TXHVWLRQ 7KH 8&6& DFWLYLVW community obviously sympathized greatly with the laid off MDQLWRUV DQG PRELOL]HG WR VKRZ WKHLU VXSSRUW 7KH\ GHFLGHG WKH\ ZRXOG RFFXS\ KHDG MDQLWRU 5RQDOG -RKQVRQ¶V VXSSO\ FORVHW 2QH WUDQVFULSW RI WKH RFFXSDWLRQ KDG WKH HYHQWV JR DV IROORZV 5RQDOG +H\ \RX NLGV JHW RXW RI P\ VXSSO\ FORVHW , QHHG P\ EURRP 3URWHVWHU &DQ¶W \RX VHH ZH¶UH GRLQJ WKLV IRU \RX PDQ" 5RQDOG 7KDW¶V JUHDW EXW , QHHG P\ EURRP 3URWHVWRU 8JK \RX¶UH DFWLQJ OLNH VXFK ERXUJHRLV VFXP 5RQDOG -RKQVRQ" 0RUH OLNH 5RQDOG )DVFLVW 5RQDOG 0\ QDPH LV 5RQDOG 3URWHVWHU 5RQDOG" 0RUH OLNH 5LFKDUG 5LFKDUG 1L[RQ 5RQDOG *HW RXW 3URWHVWRU 'XGH LW VPHOOV OLNH FKHPLFDOV LQ KHUH 7RWDOO\ KDUVK EURZQV Occupy Everything: Protest Against Everything This is simultaneously the most idiotic and least idiotic entry on our OLVW 6WDUWLQJ DV HDUO\ DV PDQ NLQG IHOW the need to dissent against oppression DQG DV UHFHQW DV .HUU +DOO 2FFXS\ Everything has been everywhere and QRZKHUH 7KH\ DUH HYHU\RQH DQG QR RQH 7KH\ ZDQW HYHU\WKLQJ DQG QRWKLQJ DW DOO ,W ZDV WKH EHVW RI WLPHV LW ZDV WKH ZRUVW RI WLPHV :H¶UH LQ D powder keg, giving off sparks, and ZH DUH \RXU IULHQGV <RX¶OO QHYHU EH DORQH DJDLQ 6KRZ WKHP KRZ IXQN\ DQG VWURQJ LV \RXU ¿JKW ,W GRHVQ¶W PDWWHU ZKR¶V ZURQJ RU ULJKW %UHDN ZLQGRZV RFFXS\ EXLOGLQJV KHOOD VWULNH 'R LW DOO IRU WKH QRRNLH :KHQ WKH SROLFH TXHVWLRQ \RX EXVW D 6KDJJ\ DQG VD\ ³,W ZDVQ¶W PH ´ 'RHV WKDW PDNH DQ\ VHQVH" *RRG $V LGLRWLF DV WKHVH SURWHVWV DUH WKH\ DUH YHU\ PXFK QHFHVVDU\ ,I DOO SURWHVW RUJDQL]HUV VHULRXVO\ VDW GRZQ DQG SRQGHUHG ZKHWKHU RU QRW VDLG SURWHVW ZDV VWXSLG WKHUH¶G EH D ORW OHVV SURWHVWV DURXQG DQG D ORW PRUH IRXO VNHWFK\ VKLW EHLQJ GRQH E\ WKH SHRSOH LQ FKDUJH ,¶G UDWKHU KDYH DQ RFFDVLRQDOO\ LGLRWLF ODXJKDEO\ GLVRUJDQL]HG VWXGHQW SURWHVW PRYHPHQW ULGGOHG ZLWK ELFNHULQJ DQG LQ¿JKWLQJ WKDQ QR VWXGHQW PRYHPHQW DW DOO .HHS ¿JKWLQJ WKH JRRG ¿JKW DQG *RGVSHHG

Gringotts Bank Fails, Thousands of Wizarding Homes at Risk by Eamon Donovan The wizarding and witchcraft community was shaken to its very core last Thursday when the FDIC initiated bank closure proceedings for the long-ailing Gringotts Bank in the Diagon $OOH\ GLVWULFW RI¿FLDO JREOLQV VD\ $V *ULQJRWW¶V LV WKH RQO\ GHpository of money and valuables in the witchcraft and wizarding ZRUOG WKH LPSDFW ZLOO EH IHOW WKURXJKRXW WKH HQWLUH FRPPXQLW\ Bank members have been responsible for a deluge of panLFNHG ÀRR QHWZRUN FDOOV LQ WKH GD\V VLQFH WKH EDQN¶V FORVLQJ ZLWK many demanding their money be transferred by owl to either a PXJJOH EDQN RU GLUHFWO\ WR WKHLU SHUVRQ ,QWHUYLHZ ZLWK 5XEHXV +DJULG ³ZHOO LW¶V D ULJK¶ WUDJHG\ LQ P\ PLQG $OO RI XV ZL]DUGV¶OO EH QHHGLQ¶ RXU PRQH\ PRVW DERXW QRZ DQG WKH\¶OO EH WDNLQ¶ DV PXFK WLPH¶V WKH\ SOHDVH +RZ DPPL VXSSRVHG WD SXW ELVFXLWVQ¶ gravy on the table for me little dragons an other critters now?

$OO¶D PH OLIH VDYLQ¶V EH LQ WKDW EDQN GDWLQ¶ EDFN WR WKH WLPH , JRW H[SXVHG IURP +RJZDU¶V DQG , µDG WR VHOO PHVHOI RQ WKD¶ VWUHHWV ´ 5DJQRN WKH SUHVHQW KHDGJREOLQ KRSHG WR TXHOO WKHVH IHDUV (and the danger of a bank run, which could still easily plunge the world into a great wizarding depression) by announcing that the EDQN¶V FRQWURO LV QRZ LQ WKH ZRUWK\ KDQGV RI WKH )HGHUDO 'HSRVLW ,QVXUDQFH &RUSRUDWLRQ )',& ZKLFK KDV LQVXUHG HDFK PHPEHU¶V deposit to a limit of 100,000 gold galleons - the currency stanGDUG LQ WKH PDJLF ZRUOG RU WKH VLOYHU VLFNOH HTXLYDOHQW 6SHFLDO LWHPV VRUFHUHU¶V VWRQHV +XIÀHSXII FXSV HWF PD\ EH FODLPHG E\ FRQWDFWLQJ D JREOLQ ¿QDQFLDO DGYLVHU $IWHU WKH EDQN KDV EHHQ VWDELOL]HG FRQWURO ZLOO EH KDQGHG RYHU WR :HOOV )DUJR The main fear, however, does not involve money directly but WKH EDQN¶V KDELW RI SXUVXLQJ ULVN\ VXE KH[ PRUWJDJHV 2ULJLnally hailed as a path to a greater living standard for low-income wizarding families or newlywed wizard/witch (or wizard/wizard

or witch/witch) couples, the sub-hex market has proven to be a house of cards without a no-collapse charm, and as a result thousands of homes have been left abandoned as magical families VLPSO\ ZDON DZD\ IURP WKHLU VN\URFNHWLQJ PRUWJDJH UDWHV The FDIC has had much more trouble with this bank than is normal: although the repentant goblins have been surprisingly helpful, six FDIC agents had the unfortunate mishap of running into a security dragon in the bowels of the bank (two were eaten, one was stomped on, the rest escaped with mild to moderate burns) and many more have gone missing, presumably after touching or leaning against cursed security doors and being VXFNHG LQWR YDXOWV :KLOH LW LV FDXVH IRU FRQFHUQ WKH )',& LV FRQ¿GHQW WKDW GXH to the huge level of activity in the bank, all missing agents will EH UHFRYHUHG EHIRUH VWDUYDWLRQ VHWV LQ

The Fish Rap Live! June 1, 2010

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Ha g g i s

FRL!

Here at FRL! we love nothing more than stuffing our faces full of food and alcohol until our clothes fit differently and it hurts to move, so naturally we took the opportunity to “research” a variety of food and drink to present our scientific findings to you. We hope you enjoy this more than we enjoyed eating five pounds of Chinese food in one sitting.

Chinese Food That Doesn’t Suck:

Yan Flower

For Chinese food that is actually pretty great, Fish Rap totally endorses Yan Flower.

The Fish Rap Live! June 1, 2010

The Ocean Fuji Palamar House Express by Gregory Ronquillo

I’m a fan of bad Chinese food. Panda Express, that place next to the Metro station, PF Changs, any restaurant advertising “authentic” and “MSG free” are the devil’s playground for me. I love it. I’ve been to Chinese food places that double as donut shops, and do neither particularly well. I’ve been to Chinese food places that sell a small selection of shiny chrome rims and other places that are very obviously drug fronts. When you ask for your broccoli “extra green”, you’ll get some fatty pot nuggets sitting next to your chow mein. While I enjoy nothing more than greasy, nasty Chinese food, there’s a point where “so bad it’s good” becomes “so bad it’s funny”, to “so bad I barfed” and onward to “I need to take a shower. Immediately. Oh god I feel dirty.” This was the experience I had going to The Ocean Fuji Palamar House Express. Instead of dumping a plate of leftovers into the trash, they might as well had been dumping trash back on the plate and calling it food. I asked for coffee and the waitress coughed in my face and then charged me a fee! This place advertised “teriyaki meat.” Not beef, not chicken, lamb,

duck, rat, ox or dragon… just “meat”. What’s worse is that when they brought it out, right on top there was a baby’s shoe! “Why is there a baby’s shoe on it?” I inquired. “Oh… the shoe is free. No cost to you. More Coffee?” I pushed it aside, dug my fork in and tried not to think about the connection between mystery meat and a baby’s shoe. This place had sweet & sour rice that tasted like ass! I mean, what was the main ingredient? Ass? I asked if they had Dim sum and they turned off half the lights. I ordered Tofu and they brought me Dave Grohl’s severed toe. I asked for a fortune cookie and the waitress spat in my face! “What is this, some kind of elaborate ruse!?” I screamed. The waitress coughed in my face again and gave me a 12 dollar check that was about 12 dollars too expensive. Like I said, I love bad Chinese food, but The Ocean Fuji Palamar House Express takes the fucking cake. Then adds a bunch of disgusting ingredients to the cake, and calls it “tasty cake surprise”. The surprise is that this place fucking sucks.

Alex Martinez

Top Ten:

Buffets in Santa Cruz #1: Jimmy Buffett #2: Royal Taj Lunch Buffet #3: Real Thai Kitchen (weekdays only) #4: Fresh Choice Capitola #5: Warren Buffett #6: Sitar Indian Buffet #7: Fuji Buffet #8: Ocean City Buffet #9: College 8 Dining Hall #10: The Ocean Fuji Palamar House Express

Buffet Buddies: Royal Taj by James Shea and Jared Rosen Buffets in Santa Cruz are terrible. Sure, they may meet the lowest requirements to qualify as buffets (low prices and high calories), but they also sneak in hidden costs (like your dignity) and usually fail to offer expected amenities such as edibility. The reason for this, of course, is you. Yes, you. Well maybe not you, maybe just the guy sitting a few rows down from you, but it’s probably mostly your fault. You’re the one who always wants to go to Ocean City when you’re stoned. You’re the one who dares his friends to try the sesame balls at Fuji. You’re the one who didn’t get the hint when everyone kept calling it “Shitar”. Buffets in Santa Cruz suck and it’s because you keep going to them. But it doesn’t have to be like this. Royal Taj, an Indian restaurant just over the bridge on Soquel, offers a decently-priced lunch buffet until 2:30 throughout the week. Fish Rap Buffet Buddies recently descended on Taj expecting a culinary excursion in stomach distension and mild food poisoning; what we found was a pretty modest offering that, while not excellent, was far above what we expected from a Santa Cruz buffet. For one, LW GLGQ¶W ¿OO XV ZLWK D VHQVH RI UHJUHW ,Q IDFW LW ¿OOHG XV ZLWK the opposite: a foreign feeling to the buffet buddies team called ³VDWLV¿HG´ The food was delicious, if not lukewarm. In particular, the Naan was fucking great. You could combine it with anything found in the restaurant and possibly outside and both food items ZRXOG IRUP D KRO\ FRPELQDWLRQ RI ÀDYRU DQG FUXQFK\ ,QGLDQ wonder. At one point, the staff asked us which of the foods we liked; after an earnest cry of “Naaaaaaaaan” through stuffed mouths, they returned with a hot heaping plate of Naan. Are you fucking kidding me? Usually buffet places just keep bringing out crab puffs; we’d never been to a place that actually offered customers something they wanted. For all your boring vegan friends who normally drag you to La Vie, Taj had several vegetarian options, one of which was fried. Our resident vegetarian and buffet buddy commented, upon sampling the sauce-covered entree ,“Is this meat? Because it tastes too good.” Damn right it tastes good, it’s Royal Taj, asshole. )RU GHVVHUW ZH DOO ZHQW LQWR GLDEHWLF FRPDV IURP VWXI¿QJ our maws with honey-covered donut balls and something else, I dunno, we just kept going back for more of the balls. I don’t even remember what they were called, I was too busy eating them to look at the name. Of course every place has it’s drawback and Taj’s is its parking lot. Uphill from the sketchy ravine next to the bridge, parking at Taj tends to put you face to face with the most haggard of Santa Cruz’s preeminent haggard populace, and is the only place where your dirty 97 Sable might be in danger. Park across the street and make your way over to Royal Taj today.

The Worst Wine Tasting Ever

1RWKLQJ VD\V YDFDWLRQ OLNH VZHHW DQG VXJDU\ GULQNV RQ WKH EHDFK $QG QRZ WKDW VXPPHU LV KHUH LW¶V ¿QDOO\ WLPH WR EUHDN RXW WKH fruit-based wines and have a little rotgut fun in the sun. As connoisseurs of cheap booze and fans of the movie Sideways, Fish Rap FRQGXFWHG D VHULHV RI ULJLG WDVWH WHVWV WR HYDOXDWH VHYHUDO ZLQHV RQ WKHLU ÀDYRU IXOOQHVV DQG JDJ UHÀH[ LQLWLDWLRQ :H VHW RXW WR SLFN XS WKH ¿QHVW ZLQH ZH FRXOG VSHQGLQJ RXU HQWLUH GROODU EXGJHW RQ ZKDWHYHU 6DIHZD\ KDG RQ VDOH 7KH UHVXOW ZDV VRPH VXQ EOHDFKHG PLG DIWHUQRRQ KDQJRYHUV SHUPDQHQWO\ VWLFN\ OHDWKHU VKRHV DQG D GHHSHU DSSUHFLDWLRQ IRU WKH ULFK FRPSOH[LW\ RI 2FHDQ 6SUD\ DQG vodka cocktails.

Round One: Arbor Mist White Zinfandel $4. 6% Alcohol

2XU WDVWHUV LQLWLDO UHDFWLRQV ZHUH PL[HG VRPH ZHUH GLVJXVWHG DQG RWKHUV ZHUH MXELODWHG E\ WKH IUXLW\ ÀDYRUV RI GUXQNHQQHVV )ODYRUV ¿UVW H[SUHVVHG E\ RXU IDLWKIXO FUHZ ZHUH OLQW IHHW IUXLW UROO XSV DQG FDSUL VXQ :H DOO DJUHHG WKDW WKH ¿]] was the only thing keeping this wine from being completely undrinkable. It was incredibly sweet and fruity with an alcoholic punch, this wine is a great choice for getting your kids drunk. At the Safeway sale price of $4 a bottle, you could go to the hospital for $20. We quickly learned that this wine was far superior to the following wines. Toni’s Take: 7KH ¿]] WRRN DZD\ IURP WKH LQWULFDWH ERXTXHW RI ÀDYRXUV

Round Two: Wild Vines Blackberry Merlot $5. 6% Alcohol

Our second bottle of wine, the Blackberry Merlot was a California wine that smelled and tasted like Modesto. The general consensus was that this wine would be a great pancake topper. Comparable to the taste of a Juicy Juice that has been left out in the sun to ferment, this wine should be packaged in a cardboard box because it might as well ORRN DV FKHDS DV LW WDVWHV 2QH VWDIIHU PHQWLRQHG WKDW WKLV ZLQH WULJJHUV KLV ¿JKW RU ÀLJKW UHÀH[ KH FKRVH ¿JKW DV he managed to suppress his vomit and continue on our tour de whine. This merlot pairs well with daytime DUI’s, soccer mom’s, and 6pm barf seshs. Toni’s Take: It looks good on my legs, as I spilled it everywhere in utter joy of its deliFLRXV ÀDYRUV ,W DOVR WDVWHV JRRG RII P\ OHJV

Round Three: Manischewitz Concord Grape $4, 11% alcohol.

Our third and arguably most famous wine was served almost intolerably warm with a side of ice cubes for class. This traditional Jewish celebratory beverage tastes like the mutant progeny of Welch’s and a pureed grape Swisher Sweet. Our elite team of tasters detected notes of cough syrup, the spirit of the dining hall experience, and shame. One staffer commented, “What were my forefathers thinking?” as he drained his glass, FRL doesn’t know the answer to this--but we can assume the Chosen People didn’t have a lot to work with wandering across a scorching desert for forty years. Toni’s Take: I knew I loved the Jews.

Round Four: Madria Sangria DOFRKRO

7KH ¿QDO ZLQH DQG WKH RQO\ RQH ZLWK D UK\PLQJ QDPH ZDV E\ IDU WKH ZRUVW 7KH ERWWOH FODLPV WKDW WKLV ZLQH SDLUV well with family, friends and laughter. We concluded that the wine pairs well with crying, vomit, and memories of terrifying childhood experiences. Our sensitive gullets couldn’t handle this horrid wine. One staffer added Arizona Iced Tea to the wine and the combination turned out surprisingly refreshing, but then again surely anything would have tasted great compared to this horrible sangria abomination. Toni’s Take: Better than any sangria I had in Spain and at a fraction of the price.

Pictured below is the aftermath of our afternoon of wine tasting, note the variety of expressions but the shared sentiment of grossed-outedness.

The Fish Rap Live! June 1, 2010

Blake Hihara

INTERNATIONAL

FRL! British Correspondent: “Good-bye America!” by Phillipa Toddhunter

The end of America is nigh, at least for me anyway. As I come to the end of my enriching and HGXFDWLRQDO \HDU DEURDG , JODQFH EDFN GRZQ PHPRU\ ODQH WR VHH MXVW ZKDW WKLV ¿QH FRXQWU\ KDV taught me. I’m pretty sure my university wanted me to challenge myself academically and widen my scholarly horizons and while I think I forgot to do both those things, I feel I’ve learnt some invaluable life lessons. I arrived in the New World armed with nothing but my visa and a strong tolerance for hard liquor and discovered that America wasn’t like it was in the movies. It was even weirder. I always thought we spoke the same language but I’ve discovered this is far from the truth. It isn’t just that you say sidewalk and I say pavement, Americans have a unique gift that enables them to conduct a whole conversation presumably with a point using only the words ‘like, so, you know, hella, chill and legit.’ This isn’t an easy feat; I tried to do it with my mum and she hung up on me because she thought her phone was losing service. Americans are to the point; they don’t bother with a chuckle or a giggle, they just say “that’s so funny.” This is confusing and it makes me suspicious; do they think I’m funny? Are they being sarcastic? Oh god, am I funny? It’s enough to make a paranoid foreigner like myself go crazy. You can be pretty sure that when it comes to Brits and Americans, a lot gets lost in translation, and just like we’ll never know what Bill whispers in Scarlett’s ear at the end of a game of telephone, I will never know if you really think I’m funny or not. If there’s one thing Americans made me feel it’s special. I’ve learnt that in America, having a British accent will get you everything. Whether it’s free beer in Big Sur or an hour long conversation with someone in CVS, there’s no denying that Americans love an accent. In section, I could be reciting the words to a Justin Beiber song and no one would notice; they all too busy soaking in my English tones. I say I’m sad to be going home because I’ve had such a nice time and made lovely friends, but the reality is that once the plane lands in rainy Britain, I am no longer special or unique; I’m just like everyone else. I won’t get stopped on the way to class by someone telling me they love my accent or turn heads in the dining room with the power of my foreign voice. Make the most of my adorable accent while you still can, I know I will. America’s taught me that it’s never too late for some old-fashioned racism. Just when we thought it was all quiet on the racist front, up popped Arizona; more racist than your grandma, to throw a UDFLDO SUR¿OLQJ VSDQQHU LQ WKH ZRUNV (YHQ WKRXJK $PHULFD VHQW P\ URVH WLQWHG JODVVHV À\LQJ , IHOW lucky to be at a college like UCSC where professors and students alike were just as appalled. I’m DQ RSWLPLVW DQG , WULHG WR ¿QG WKH VLOYHU OLQLQJ WR WKLV GDUN $UL]RQD FORXG $IWHU H[WHQVLYH UHVHDUFK it was apparent that even if I trekked down to Arizona and got myself deported, I’d still have to pay

In America, We Have No King’s Cup by Thomas Jefferson

After having lately spent the fortnight in Santa Cruz, where I attended several insipid lectures, got lost in the forest, and KDG P\ ¿QHVW GUHVV VWRFNLQJV VWROHQ E\ D IDPLO\ RI UDFFRRQV , found myself besieged with questions which I would fain have answered. In primis: What is wrong with you god damned degenerates? When my indolent nephew, Brandon, invited me to visit your so-called “University” (University? Ha! Your school hath no horticulture department!) I had hoped to see the children of this proud Republic nourishing their intellects on the wisdom RI 5RXVVHDX DQG /RFNH VWRNLQJ WKH LPPRUWDO ÀDPH RI /LEHUW\ DQG (QOLJKWHQPHQW DV 3URPHWKHXV RQFH VWRNHG WKH ÀDPH RI WKH 2O\PSLDQ JRGV ,QVWHDG , ¿QG \RX QRXULVKLQJ \RXU JXOOHWV ZLWK $OH DQG VPRNLQJ +HPS SODQW OLNH D JDJJOH RI 3DULVLDQ RSLXP ¿HQGV If you had bothered to read my Declaration of Independence, which you lot seem to take for some sort of satirical pamphlet, you would have understood the ideals for which your peasant forefathers shed their unwholesome rustic blood. We have no Kings in these United States, nor do we have a “King’s Cup,” and, in the name of the great Creator, my lips shall never quaff libations from the chalice of a hated tyrant! Nor shall I “bust a rhyme” because some haughty despot demands it. What proud patriot would dare memorialize a despot in verse? Had I known you young people would allow my precious “United States” to devolve to such an appalling state, I would have never succeeded from the hated British, nor would I have invented the three-dimensional sundial, of which you mediocre assholes make such liberal use. Furthermore: why am I only on your nickel, while that lurid whoremonger Franklin smirks like some Turkish sultan on the one hundred dollar bill? I INVENTED DEMOCRACY YOU REPREHENSIBLE BASTARDS! But, I lose my temper. I think I should like to leave this sad place. Once this blasted re-animator serum which your quack scientists injected into my spinal column wears off, I request that you bury me someplace where the hated raccoons can’t get to me, and never disturb me again. This base GULQNLQJ JDPH FRQ¿UPV P\ ZRUVW IHDU 'HPRFUDF\ FDQQRW ÀRXULVK LQ D ODQG IXOO RI VXFK SURIRXQG dipshits as yourselves, nor can the Tree of Liberty’s roots be quenched with Keystone Ice and vodka that doth come from a plastic bottle. Adieu, Oh sons and daughters of America. I can only hope that you render yourselves sterile through such debauchery, lest America be profaned by any future generations. AND STAY AWAY FROM MY DAMN MONUMENT!

The Fish Rap Live! June 1, 2010

IRU P\ ÀLJKW KRPH ,W¶G EH ZURQJ WR VD\ WKDW RQO\ $PHULFD LV WDSSHG ZLWK WKH UDFLVW VWLFN LQ UHFHQW British parliamentary elections; a charming woman asked our prime minister, Gordon Brown what he was going to do about all these European immigrants coming in and stealing British jobs. Gordon accidently called the woman bigoted on live TV. Yeah, he’s not our prime minister anymore... America’s opened me up to a world where a tab of acid a day keeps the boredom away. Though I’ve only stuck to weed, good old UCSC has taught me to know my weed and thus my limits. I’m not just saying this, the weed is stronger out here, honestly it is. And it only takes RQH EDG H[SHULHQFH WR OHDUQ WKLV 0\ EDG H[SHULHQFH KDSpened at Coachella when we all shared a joint with a poor boy that had lost all his friends. What happened QH[W FRXOG RQO\ EH GHVFULEHG DV PH IUHDNLQJ RXW , WHOO all my friends that 2ManyDJ’s were great, but frankly I wouldn’t know; I was sitting outside the tent rocking back and forth thinking about how there were so many DJ’s, I’d never be able to count them all. I blame the VHFXULW\ ZRPDQ ZKR FRQ¿VFDWHG WKH ZLQH KLGGHQ LQ P\ underwear; there is such a thing as being too thorough on the job. When I look back at my time in America; I think of sunny days among the redwoods, overpriced drinks and LQDSSURSULDWH JURSHV LQ WKH 5HG 5RRP DQG ZLQH ER[HV My golden days on the golden coast have shown me that America is a land of promise, providing that the promise is a good time and some funny anecdotes. UCSC has taught me many things but mainly that there is beauty in the grimiest of dive bars, a drum circle is appropriate for any occasion and that I really should have got one of those CVS saving cards. I’ll leave Santa Cruz with a heavy heart, a heavier suitcase and an incomplete state quarters collection. Thanks for the memories America, they were shit. Only joking!

Doctor Without Borders Crosses Line by Jun Takeda

'RFWRUV ZLWKRXW ERUGHUV SK\VLFLDQ 6WHYHQ &URVV ZDV FKDUJHG ZLWK WKUHH FRXQWV RI VH[XDO harassment last Thursday, after allegations of inappropriate behavior on his most recent trip to Algeria. Patients complained about Cross’ behavior saying it was, “Crude, rude, tasteless, and unacceptable.” Jackie Smith, one of the alleged victims and one time patient of Cross’ claims she was DEXVHG GXULQJ D EUHDVW H[DPLQDWLRQ ³ $W ¿UVW LW ZDV D QRUPDO H[DPLQDWLRQ WKHQ 'U &URVV MXVW VWDUWHG VODSSLQJ P\ EUHDVWV DQG went on to motor-boating me,” Smith said. “He then measured my breasts and the diameter of my areolas and said that my areola diameter to overall boob volume ratio was dumb ass big.” Smith has started a frenzy of other people coming forward with tales of Dr. Cross’ ill advised behavior. ³&URVV JUDEEHG P\ EDOOV DQG WROG PH WR FRXJK ´ $OH[ +HQGHUVRQ DQRWKHU SDWLHQW RI Cross’ said. “While I coughed, he started tickling my balls and proceeded to paint my genitals to look like Gonzo from the Muppets. Not only was it embarrassing, he used some crazy kind of paint that took like 4 days to get off.” Cross’s lack of boundaries and blatant disregard for the Hippocratic Oath have been the source of all the accusations by victims. Another patient Brian Buttco admitted, “After I tested positive for herpes, Dr. Cross ran RXW RI WKH RI¿FH VFUHDPLQJ µ'XGH LQ WKHUH JRW WKH KHUSV¶ ´ 'U &URVV VWDWHV WKDW KH WKRXJKW 'RFWRUV ZLWKRXW %RUGHUV PLVVLRQ ZDV WR ³'HVWUR\ VH[XDO and societal borders in places where survival is threatened by violence, neglect, or catastroSKH SULPDULO\ GXH WR DUPHG FRQÀLFW HSLGHPLFV PDOQXWULWLRQ H[FOXVLRQ IURP KHDOWK FDUH RU natural disasters.” Doctors Without Borders spokesman Joseph Candy said that this misinterpretation of the mission statement is unacceptable but blames Cross’ misunderstanding on a typo that was RQ WKH ZHEVLWH ZKHQ KH ZDV VLJQLQJ XS ³:H KDG WKH W\SR ¿[HG DV VRRQ DV ZH FDXJKW LW EXW I guess it wasn’t quick enough.” Other Algerian citizens argue that, “They didn’t come to Algeria to cop a feel, they came to help people. But if a titty has to get groped or some balls have to be painted like Gonzo in order to provide medicine and care to people in need, then some people have to start taking one for the team. We need some fucking medicine, yo.” Cross has been suspended pending further investigation.

Rebecca Hasinger

FRL! Investigates: Business Casual business casual: |’biznis| |’ka zh (Ψ)w Ψ l|, noun, adjective, way of life. “In general, business casual means dressing professionally, looking relaxed yet neat and pulled together.” -- The New York Times. “In general, business casual means dressing awesomely, looking like you don’t give a fuck yet hip and from Urban Outfitters.” -- The Fish Rap Live! Help Chancellor Blumenthal get ready for a big day at the office by selecting the perfect outfit for him. Careful! Clashing of patterns and styles could cost you your scholarship!

Overheard in Santa Cruz

Whatever happened to discreet conversation? We’ve got our ears on you. And you’ve got your mind in loud, perverted, irreverent, insightful, idiotic, and generally inappropriate gutters. Welcome to “Overheard in Santa Cruz.” “Stop it, I know how to caress titties.” Party on High St. 5/22/10 “I mean, I feel like a lot of people have crushes on her because she’s realistic. If you hadn’t got laid in a while, it’s like ‘she’s not out of my league’” Guy at Chillsesh 5/3/10 Hobo: “You’re a lucky man.” Guy: “Excuse me?” Hobo: “You’re a lucky man.” Girl: “Eww. He’s my brother.” Relatives on Pacific 5/6/10 “Hey I know you, you’re from Alcoholics Anonymous!” Girl at Crowded Party 5/21/10 Girl: “Your fly is down.” Guy: “Oh, it’s okay. I’m gonna go pee soon anyways.” at Potluck 5/14/10 “I saw my friend Bob smoking a cigarette the other day. He looked really cool smoking a cigarette.” Press Center 5/30/10 “I really wanna play Dance Dance Revolution, but I don’t want to get my hair all messy.” Guy by the Boardwalk 5/9/10 “My grandpa was like... totally ambidextrous!” Chick on the Bus 5/9/10 “Are you here for the partaaaaaaaaay?” 35 Year Old Hostess 5/14/10 “I’m pretty sure that bird socializing is based on seeds, like that bird over there is like ‘hey dawg, come down to the east remote I just found dumbass seeds!’” Post-Mimosa Chill Sesh 4/10/10 Girl: “Oh my god, it was hilarious!” Guy: “Really?” Girl: “Yeah, I was dying!” Guy: “Huh.” Friends on the Bus 5/14/10 “I’m gonna question marriage, but nothing else.” Sustainability Meeting 5/17/10 Dude #1: “You should take that meteorology class.” Dude #2: “I don’t wanna study meteors.” Literature Class 5/15/10 Hear something stupid? email fishraplive@gmail.com

The Fish Rap Live! June 1, 2010

Ilsa Small

Alison Galloway

Job Applications from Executive Vice Chancellor Candidates

William Ladusaw

Tyler Stovall

Stephen Thorsett

Dear Selection Committee Members,

Dear Ashish,

Dear Colleagues,

I am submitting my application for the position of Campus Provost/Executive Vice Chancellor. If selected, I would come to this position with a broad background in administration at UCSC, encompassing both aspects of shared governance. I chaired the Senate Committee on Teaching, served for six years on the Committee on Planning and Budget, and served as Vice Chair and then Chair of the Academic Senate. I have been chair of the Department of Anthropology and am currently Vice Provost of Academic Affairs, Dean of University Extension DQG &R &KLHI )DFXOW\ 'LYHUVLW\ 2I¿FHU , DOVR helped identify the remains of Laci Peterson, reÀHFWLQJ P\ DELOLWLHV WR LVRODWH DQG IRFXV RQ NH\ elements in managerial processes. The submission of this application was not an easy decision to reach. Being an EVC at such D WURXEOLQJ WLPH ZLWK WKH ¿QDQFLDO FULVLV DFDdemic struggles, rioting students, and the mysWHULRXV XQLGHQWL¿HG UHPDLQV UHFHQWO\ XQFRYHUHG EHKLQG &URZQ 0HUULOO ZLOO EH D GLI¿FXOW MRE However I feel my experience in managing debt for the Arboretum, University Extension, and behind the scenes of hit Fox television show Bones all give me perspective in budget balancing. Finally, I would like to say that my approach to leadership is to address issues openly and fairly. I understand that no decision can please everybody, but I also understand that nobody can stop me, and that my decision is law.

I ask to be considered in your search for the position of Campus Provost and Executive Vice Chancellor at UC Santa Cruz. I currently hold an appointment as Professor of Linguistics. Prior to joining the UCSC faculty in 1984, I held a position at the University of Iowa. I believe I am the best candidate for the position as I have an informed perspective LQ DOO WKUHH ¿HOGV +XPDQLWLHV 6RFLDO 6FLHQFHV and Science. The current state of the campus is horrendous, as Executive Vice Chancellor, I will use my incredible intellect, charming personality, amazing good looks, and unbelievable wisdom to help this campus reach its optimal potential. I have been here at UCSC for all of the good times, as well as the bad times. I know how to manage the UC and under my reign we can help make Santa Cruz the greatest UC. The knowledge I've gained from the psychology class I took 20 years ago, tells me that the UC students and faculty's spirits are broken. The reactions to the campus' cuts are equivalent to the seven stages of grief. Under my supervision I hope to move beyond the anger stage, graduating to the depression stage. Lets just cut to the chase, a glance of my resume should be enough to convince you that I am the right man for the job. Only a fool wouldn't hire me, either way I don't really care.

I am pleased to offer my candidacy for the position of Executive Vice Chancellor at UCSC. I am very excited by this opportunity and I beOLHYH , KDYH WKH DSSURSULDWH TXDOL¿FDWLRQV IRU this position. , ¿UVW FDPH WR 6DQWD &UX] DV DQ DVVLVWDQW professor of History in 1988, leaving for Berkeley in 2001, during which I served as chair of the History department and worked as Provost for Stevenson College. When I left for Berkeley, UCSC was on the verge of some momentous changes, but I guess that didn't work out so well. I nonetheless like to pretend that Santa Cruz has remained exceptional within the UC system, although not as exceptional as Berkeley, which is simply phenomenal. I also believe that now is the time to act to preserve that quality, maybe even improve it a little. My time at Berkeley revolved around heavy academic administration. At Berkeley I have had to implement major (and very painful) cuts and had to focus on our most important objectives like research, asking alumni for money, and being one of the most prestigious colleges in America. I feel that if we simply borrow some of these techniques from a school of greater esteem, perhaps we can not only make our way through these troubling times, but come out of them being almost as good as our neighbors to the north (Berkeley). I look forward to hearing from you.

I am pleased to offer my application for the position of Campus Provost and Executive Vice Chancellor at UC Santa Cruz. I am very excited by this opportunity to take a leadership role in one of America’s most attractive universities, DQG EHOLHYH , KDYH WKH DSSURSULDWH TXDOL¿FDWLRQV for this position. Throughout my long and rewarding experience with UCSC, I was loved by my colleagues and was easy to get along with. All my friends on Facebook, Twitter, Flickr, and LinkedIn love me and want me to get this job. It doesn’t really matter what my previous experience is, all that matters is that a lot of people like me, if you really care what experience I have, just look at my wikipedia page! My work for NASA taught me that the sky isn’t the limit, in fact there is no limit, the uniYHUVH LV LQ¿QLWH DQG XQLYHUVLWLHV EXGJHWV DQG FXUULFXOXPV VKRXOG EH WKH VDPH ZD\ 0\ ¿UVW action as Executive Vice Chancellor will be to change the master plan, its outdated. Many people on Facebook “like” my revision of the master plan, check it out on my Facebook! As the most popular candidate, I think its clear that I’m the best suited Executive Vice Chancellor. NASA called, they found a black hole and I have to take pictures of it to put on Flickr. Send me a message on Facebook if I get an interview, I have to get going.

-Allison Galloway Professor of Anthropology Vice Provost of Academic Affairs

-William A. Ladusaw Professor of Linguistics Vice Provost and Dean of Undergraduate Education

FRL! Rating:

-Tyler Stovall Dean of the Undergraduate Division, College of Letters and Science University of California, Berkeley

FRL! Rating:

7R LQ¿QLW\ DQG EH\RQG Stephen E. Thorsett Dean, Physical and Biological Sciences Professor, Astronomy and Astrophysics

FRL! Rating:

Fish Rap Endorses Jun Takeda for Executive Vice Chancellor

Yo whatup Ashish, My name is Jun Takeda and I think I would be perfect Campus Provost. I’m hella responsible and shit. I’m really outgoing and good at overseeing important stuff. I’m pretty nice and sensitive to all issues and I am really good with words so I would be the perfect replacement for Kliger. He sucked at talking and lied all the time, I’m really good at lying, so people won’t even know. I am about to graduate in June so the timing couldn’t be any better. Having been a student at UCSC for the last IRXU \HDUV , WKLQN , DP WKH PRVW TXDOL¿HG SHUVRQ IRU WKLV SRVLWLRQ , NQRZ ZKDW WKH VWXGHQWV QHHG DQG FDQ EULQJ D \RXWKIXO RXWORRN WR D SRVLWLRQ IRUPHUO\ KHOG E\ RQO\ old people. If possible, could you tell me if I got the position in a few weeks? I need to extend my lease if so, unless I get to live in some bitchin’ provost house, that would be dope as fuck. Anyways, I will attach a copy of my resume if you need me to or I can just come in for an interview on Monday. Maybe we can get some froyo after the interview? We’ll play it by ear, I might be in the mood for ice cream. FRL! Rating: Sincerely, Jun “Asian Occasion” Takeda

The Fish Rap Live! June 1, 2010

Lynn He

Santa Cruz Seeks ‘Vandalism Caused BP Cleans Up to Reclaim Murder by Leprechauns,’ Oil Spill Out of Capital Moniker Says Glenn Beck Goodness of Heart

by Brian Harker

by Antonia Pecchia

by Nicole Green

After losing the Surf City title to Huntington Beach and the UHFHQW VWULQJ RI PXUGHUV LQ 6DQWD &UX] FLW\ OHDGHUV DUH WU\LQJ WR make the most of the recent events by taking back our previous FODLP WR IDPH DV WKH 0XUGHU &DSLWDO $OWKRXJK +XQWLQJWRQ %HDFK EORZV WKH\ ¿UVW WUDGHPDUNHG WKH WLWOH RI 6XUI &LW\ LQ 7KH ODLG EDFN 6DQWD &UX] ORFDOV didn’t pay much mind until Huntington Beach served up a cease DQG GHVLVW RUGHU RQ WKH SULQWLQJ RI 6XUI &LW\ 6DQWD &UX] 7 VKLUWV resulting in an extended court case where the courts upheld the Huntington’s patent. While local residents can be heard referring to the entire situDWLRQ DV ³WRWDOO\ VXFN\ ´ WKH UHFHQW VWULQJ RI 0XUGHUV LQ 6DQWD &UX] MXVW PLJKW RIIHU DQRWKHU RSSRUWXQLW\ IRU FDWFK\ 7 VKLUWV ,Q WKH HDUO\ V 6DQWD &UX] ZDV KRPH WR WZR VHULDO NLOOHUV (G ³WKH &R HG .LOOHU´ .HPSHU DQG +HUEHUW 0XOOLQ ZKR FRPPLWWHG a total of twenty-one murders in a two year period. 6DQWD &UX] HQMR\HG PRGHVW IDPH LQ WKH IROORZLQJ \HDUV HYHQ EHFRPLQJ WKH ORFDWLRQ IRU WKH VKRRWLQJ RI WKH ¿OP ³7KH /RVW %R\V´ LQ ZKLFK 6DQWD &UX] ZDV FDOOHG ³6DQWD &ODULWD ´ DQG ZDV DFNQRZOHGJHG IRU EHLQJ WKH 0XUGHU &DSLWDO 7KLV EURXJKW WKH ELJ Hollywood bucks to the area. “Tourists want to go to Surf City, and so now they go down to Huntington Beach,” said one city council member, “so clearly we have to come up with another gimmick,” he continued. %\ UHFODLPLQJ WKH 0XUGHU 7LWOH FLW\ OHDGHUV KRSH WR GUDZ RWKHU +ROO\ZRRG ¿OP PDNHUV WR WKH DUHD 7KH\ SRLQW WR WKH PRYLH ³=RGLDF´ ¿OPHG LQ WKH %D\ $UHD EDVHG RQ D 6DQ )UDQFLVFR VHULDO killer, which brought jobs and tax revenue to the area. &LW\ OHDGHUV KDYH UHFRJQL]HG 6DQWD &UX]¶V FDOOLQJ ³7KH\ VD\ stick with what you’re good at,” said the councilman, “and apSDUHQWO\ LQ 6DQWD &UX] ZH¶UH JRRG DW VWDEELQJ SHRSOH´

Conservative Commentator Glenn Beck announced on his Fox News program that the perpetrators of vandalism in downWRZQ 6DQWD &UX] IROORZLQJ WKH 0D\ 'D\ SDUW\ ZHUH QRW RQO\ DQDUFKLVWV EXW LQ IDFW ³OLWWOH DQDUFKLVWV ´ 1R %HFN FODUL¿HG QRW like the ones you see on Little People, Big World. Well, actually kind of, except they’re green and talk with Irish accents. Beck cites his close friendships with Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity, two Irish-Americans also featured on Fox News, as VXI¿FLHQW FUHGLELOLW\ IRU KLV WKHRU\ +H FODLPV KLV NHHQ H\HVLJKW and Common Sense enabled him to see the tiny creatures as they ]LSSHG WKURXJK WKH EOXUU\ FDPHUD SKRQH YLGHR RI WKH GRZQWRZQ ULRW VPDVKLQJ ZLQGRZV DQG ÀLQJLQJ EOREV RI RUDQJH SDLQW RQWR storefronts. Beck says they probably used orange not because of its proximity to Communist red, but because it’s a nice counterpoint to green, a Leprechaun’s favorite color. The motive behind the Leprechauns’ attack lies in the deVWUXFWLRQ RI WKH 'HOO :LOOLDPV -HZHOU\ 6WRUH $FFRUGLQJ WR *OHQQ Beck Show researchers, the store houses a stolen pot of gold. 7KH UHVHDUFKHUV DOVR VWDWHG WKDW 'HOO :LOOLDPV KDG EHHQ ORRNLQJ into ways to cast the stolen gold into “lucky” jewelry. Anarchist JUDI¿WL IRXQG QHDU WKH VWRUH UHDGV ³'HVWUR\ ZKDW¶V DIWHU \RXU Lucky Charms.” 8VLQJ KLV IDLO VDIH FKDONERDUG ÀRZ FKDUW WHFKQLTXH %HFN FLWed their anti-corporate greed stance as evidence, Beck connected the word “Leprechauns” with the word “Unions,” which he then FRQQHFWHG WR &RPPXQLVWV 0D\ 'D\ LOOHJDO DOLHQV DQG ,ULVK which he of course re-connected to Leprechauns to create a full circle, since the Irish were one of the main disadvantaged worker groups back in the 1800s. Beck ridicules the Leprechauns for their lack of historical amnesia, calling them “Bitter little green baby-butts.”

BP, the oil industry giant now infamous for the current Gulf Coast leak, released a statement today concerning the future of the situation and where BP sees itself within it. “Though the accident was in no way our fault, we have agreed to help pitch in for the cleanup costs. We want to publicly state to the people who live in areas affected by the disaster: ‘you’re welcome,’” the statement reads. “While we did absolutely nothing wrong, we thought we’d help out anyway. We’re just that kind of corporation.” BP representatives took this opportunity to wink at the press conference camera. Naturally, residents living in places affected by the oil leak were more than a little grateful for the assistance. “Oh, BP said they’d help with the clean up? Well then, aren’t they just the fucking greatest? I bet they expect some sort of fucking service award. No, no; really, thank you BP, thank you for all you’ve done,” one resident commented enthusiastically. BP says that while they do not expect a service award, it “would be nice.” They have also come under criticism for underestimating the damage done by the leak, originally claiming 5,000 barrels a day ZHUH VHHSLQJ LQWR WKH VHD EXW WKDW WKH H[DFW ¿JXUH ZDV LQGHWHUminable. Scientists who looked at footage of the leak pegged it slightly higher, around 56,000 barrels per day. “It’s in the ballpark,” BP stated. A fund has been established for residents to send their thanks if so desired. So far the account remains empty, but the BP of¿FLDOV ZKR RUJDQL]HG WKH WULEXWH DUH KRSHIXO WKDW IXQGV ZLOO VRRQ come pouring in. BP has stated the money will be used for a company vacation to “some place with really nice beaches.”

Kresge Rechristened ‘Democratic People’s Republic of Kresge’ by Gregory Ronquillo After a record-breaking 27 hour chill-sesh, the Kresge political vangaurd have elected to UHQDPH WKH FROOHJH WKH ³'HPRFUDWLF 3HRSOH¶V 5HSXEOLF RI .UHVJH ´ 7KH PHHWLQJ ¿UVW RUJDQL]HG WR GLVFXVV ³OHJLW IXFNLQ¶ LVVXHV ´ EURNH GRZQ DIWHU LWV VW KRXU FDOPLQJ WKH HQGOHVV ELFNHULQJ DQG LQ ¿JKWLQJ WR WDFNOH VRIW LVVXHV VXFK DV UHQDPLQJ WKH FROOHJH ZKHWKHU LW VKRXOG EH KLVWRU\ RU KHUVWRU\ DQG D GLVFXVVLRQ RQ ZKHWKHU RU QRW 'XE 6WHS VXFNV 0HPEHU RI WKH '35.¶V SROLWLFDO YDQJXDUG +HDWKHU 0F/DUHQ VDLG ³:H¶UH FKDQJLQJ WKH ZD\ ZH GR HYHU\WKLQJ 7KH FRPPXQLW\ LV GHHSO\ HQJDJHG LQ FRQVWDQW &XOWXUDO 5HYROXWLRQ 0\ roomie lent me Pedagogy of the Oppressed and I was like ‘Whoa’.” The college has closed its borders and allowed in only the most radical, revolutionary indiYLGXDOV DQG H[FOXGHG DFFHVV WR ERXUJLH VFXP (FRQRPLFV PDMRUV DQG JHQHUDOO\ XQ FKLOO SHRSOH 3ROLWLFDO SURSDJDQGD KDV VSUXQJ XS DURXQG WKH FROOHJH XUJLQJ LWV UHVLGHQWV WR GHFRORQL]H WKHLU VKRZHU KDELWV DQG UHPLQGLQJ SHRSOH WKDW ³LI LW¶V \HOORZ OHW LW PHOORZ ´ 7KH '35. 3ROLWLFDO 9DQJXDUG KDV VWDUWHG FROOHFWLYL]DWLRQ SURJUDPV UHRUJDQL]LQJ DSDUWPHQWV HTXDOO\ DPRQJVW LWV UHVLGHQWV DQG UHGLVWULEXWLQJ 6XEOLPH &'V WR WKH KDYH QRWV 7KH SRSXODU WUDLOHU SDUN OLYLQJ IDFLOity has been dismantled, and each of the trailers have been melted down to make an army of naked brown metal guys to hang in front of the Owl’s Nest. :KHQ DVNHG DERXW WKH REYLRXV FRPSDULVRQ WR WKH 'HPRFUDWLF 3HRSOH¶V 5HSXEOLF RI .RUHD '35. DND 1RUWK .RUHD WKH VWXGHQWV VDLG ³,V WKDW WKH FRXQWU\ IURP Team America: World Police? That movie was hella fucking funny, dude!” 1RUWK .RUHDQ SUHVLGHQW .LP -RQJ LO VDLG WKH IROORZLQJ ZKHQ DVNHG DERXW .UHVJH¶V QDPH change: “So some silly liberal American college wants to play with the big boys, eh? That’s just silly. What a silly bunch of Americans. This is incredibly silly. We’re going to nuke you with a big ass rocket.” When asked to respond to the threat, one anonymous source close to the vanguard said, ³.LP -XQJ LO" :KR¶V WKDW" ,VQ¶W KH WKDW .RUHDQ ($3 VWXGHQW IURP EXLOGLQJ " 7KDW JX\¶V SUHWW\ chill, he has a PS3.” 7KH VWXGHQWV KDYH FKRVHQ WR HOHFW $ 'DQN $VV :HHG 1XJJHW DV WKHLU VXSUHPH OHDGHU DQG chairman. When one low-level activist said, “that nugget isn’t so dank,” he was promptly dragged in front of Owl’s Nest and brutally beaten to death.

The Fish Rap Live! June 1, 2010

Jake Brown

Create-your-own UCSC

Have you ever walked through your college, marveling at all of UCSC’s beautiful murals, wishing you could express your new-found leftist mentality in a romantic large scale painting, but lack the actual talent to make it any good? Fear not, faithful reader! By following these 6 easy steps, you too can make an amazing mural at UCSC.

1) Assume UCSC Students are Idiots You can’t assume the audience will know who or what you’re depicting in your mural. If you paint Malcolm X, have a caption saying “Malcolm X” underneath him. If you paint Jerry Garcia, make sure to write “Jerry Garcia” next to him. Perhaps write “the dude from the Grateful Dead”, just for good measure. By naming all these people in your mural, you can effectively remind the audience “Look at all these people I painted. I painted like 18 people. Don’t believe me? Look at the names. I am fucking awesome.”

2) Have Blocks of Text Explaining How Meaningful it is Art should be accessible to all people. You don’t have to be a braniac majoring in HAVC and wearing a grey pant-suit to be able to “get” art. This is just some UCSC mural, not a Picasso. If you want art that makes you stroke your chin and scratch your head, go to a museum. I repeat: this is just some mural at UCSC. The only symbolism you should include is anything that makes the audience think, “Damn, Malcolm X was fucking baadasssss.” But just in case the point isn’t driven home, clearly state that, “Malcolm X was a fucking badass. He didn’t take shit from no one. Why do you WKLQN , SDLQWHG KLV ULÁH WR ORRN VR PXFK OLNH D giant dick? Symbolism, duh.”

3) Fictionalize History This is your mural. You can depict whatever the hell you want, no matter how un-historical your depiction is. You want to paint a protest movement set in the 1960’s South, but they’re holding signs asking for “green jobs for all”? Knock yourself out. You want to paint a buff Ghandi on steroids, punching out a British oppressor? Go for it! You’re gonna depict a ÀFWLRQDO SRNHU JDPH EHWZHHQ $QGUHZ -DFNVRQ and Thomas Jefferson? Well, you can’t; those dudes were assholes. Try painting Che Guevara shaking hands with Huey Newton. That would be siiiick.

4) Bob Marley References are a Must If you can’t explain your symbolism as suggested in step 3, try writing out a bunch of Bob Marley quotes. This way you make your piece seem poetic, mysterious, and make your audience want to smoke a fat ass joint. Even better, the untrained eye will not know those quotes are from him, and will give you all the credit for those gems. Lines like “Don’t gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold” or “In the abundance of water, the fool is thirsty” are guaranteed to XS WKH YDOXH RI \RXU SLHFH ÀYH WLPHV RYHU 2U why not just have a big mural dedicated to Bob Marley? Has anyone done that yet? Kresge? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

The Fish Rap Live! June 1, 2010

5) Make it a Grab Bag of Meaningless Symbolism Think stars and bars, the statue of liberty and a crinkled up piece of paper, but the exact opposite since this is UC 6DQWD &UX] :H ZDQW VWXII OLNH ÀVWV UDLVHG LQ WKH DLU SODQWV growing, a human touching an animal, a pregnant women

with a radioactive baby in her womb… all of these are apt meaningless symbols. If you want to give the appearance of discuss LGBT issues without actually having any discussion of LGBT issues, you can include a rainbow over your scene.

6) Finish it Off With Abst Bullshit

When an artist is designing a mural, they u ZKHQ WKH\·UH FORVH WR ÀQLVKLQJ LW -XVW LQ ,·YH DOUHDG\ ORVW LQWHUHVW LQ HYHU ÀQLVKLQJ PXUDO , NQRZ H[DFWO\ ZKDW ,·G GR ,·G ÀQ

Cameron Fields

C Mural in Six Easy Steps

th Abstract Artsy shit

ural, they usually lose interest LW -XVW LQ ZULWLQJ WKLV DUWLFOH ÀQLVKLQJ LW %XW LI WKLV ZDV D GR ,·G ÀQLVK LW RII ZLWK VRPH

abstract artsy bullshit, like it is some sort of King Crimson album cover or some wanky artistic interpretation of James Joyce. Not only will you make your audience think, “whoa, this guy was on a grip full of LSD,” but it’ll also make them think of the mural as an introspective divulgence into cerebral amplitude, whatever the fuck that means. They’ll ponder at your creation and how you could simultaneously

be straight forward and at the same time be so abstract and HQLJPDWLF 'UDZ D ODG\ EXW KHU KDLU LV D WUHH DQG ÀVWV LQ WKH air and there’s lightning and her pupils are white. T h a t ’ s cerebral as fuck These 6 steps are all you need to make a successful mural in UCSC. When you’re done, your peers will stand back and look at your creation, thinking about how wonder-

IXO LW LV WKDW VRPH DFWXDO DUW KDV ÀQDOO\ EHHQ EURXJKW WR WKHLU campus. Just remember to keep these 6 artistic godsends a secret. If these leak out to the larger artistic community, knowing mural art’s tendency to rebel against artistic movements of the past, our colleges might then start hiring people to make murals that are actually thought out and take talent to produce. And no one wants that.

The Fish Rap Live! June 1, 2010

Gordo

New GE’s Leaves Grad Feeling Unprepared for Modern Society by Jun Takeda 2Q 0DUFK WK WKH 8QLYHUVLW\ DQQRXQFHG WKDW LW LV XSGDWLQJ LW¶V *HQHUDO (GXFDWLRQ UHTXLUHPHQWV WR VDWLVI\ ³\RXQJ SHRSOHV¶ GHVLUH IRU D IUHVK DSSURDFK WR WKH FKDOOHQJHV RI WRGD\¶V IDVW SDFHG world and prepare UCSC students to be well-rounded global FLWL]HQV ´ 7KH QHZ *HQHUDO (GXFDWLRQ UHTXLUHPHQWV DUH VDLG WR IRFXV RQ PRUH VSHFL¿F DUHDV RI VWXG\ DV RSSRVHG WR WKH EURDG ³FDIHWHULD DSSURDFK´ WR JHQHUDO HGXFDWLRQ WKDW LV SUDFWLFHG E\ WKH current curriculum. The new GE topics include textual analysis and interpretation, human behavior, service learning, and various other topics. The curriculum change is set to take place for Fall quarter of 2010 and the classes being launched will be monitored closely for review. Textual analysis and interpretation will focus on interpreting and understanding text messages; the syllabus is said to have chapters centered on txt spk, T9-necessary?, dangers of sexting, and text etiquette. The human behavior concentration is composed of courses on modern America such as Didgeridoos and Didgeridonts: Instruments for a Peaceful Protest. The course will analyze the components of peaceful protest and what instruments for change are necessary to prevent an unruly, and rowdy crowd; topics such as electric vs. acoustic, woodwind or brass and appropriate Pandora stations will be included. 6RPH RI WKH QHZ *(¶V DUH H[SHFWHG WR EH SRSXODU EHFDXVH WKH\ FRYHU PXOWLSOH *(¶V IURP GLIIHUHQW GLVFLSOLQHV 2QH VDLG class is under the new service learning GE which is reported to cover “dissing and dance moves for serving crews, clowns, DQG SRVHUV ´ 7KH QHZ *(¶V SLQSRLQW VXEMHFW PDWWHUV DQG DUH VDLG to include all topics that affect the new young American. They aim to help create a more balanced graduate and teach students skills and tools for being successful in a constantly changing workplace. The new curriculum leaves recent graduates unprepared for the modern workplace and worries graduating senior Brosef 0F3DUW\KHDG 0F3DUW\KHDG FODLPV ³,¶P QRW UHDOO\ VXUH ZKHWKHU its chill to bring Coors Light or Coors Original to a protest and ZKHQ , WH[WHG P\ EUR KH GLGQ¶W XQGHUVWDQG LW , UHDOO\ ZLVK WKHVH FODVVHV ZHUH DYDLODEOH ZKHQ , ZDV D )UHVKPDQ ´ 6XFK UHVSRQVHV are common among the graduating class and many students are upset at the University for devaluing their education. McParty VWDWHV ³+RZ DP , JRLQJ WR JHW LQWR D OHJLW *UDG 6FKRRO LI , GRQ¶W HYHQ NQRZ KRZ WR VHQG D SURSHU WH[W WR WKH 'HDQ ´

She & Him Play The Rio, Overwhelmed Zooey Deschanel Underwhelms Audience ,W¶V QRW WKDW , GRQ¶W WKLQN VKH¶V FRRO RU DQ\WKLQJ VKH just really freaked me out at the concert at the Rio on the 28th. Yeah, the music was good and everything and they played a really good variety from the albums and stuff, but something about her vacant expression and general presence was more than a little disturbing. $QG IXFN LI 0 :DUG ZDVQ¶W WKH PRVW SHUIHFW WKLQJ HYHU IRU the entire show. Every time he opened his mouth all the girls VFUHDPHG MXVW OLNH WKH\¶G SUREDEO\ VFUHDP LQ EHG LI DQ\ RI XV were lucky enough to get him in the sack. ‘Cause GOD, that IULJJHQ¶ YRLFH :KHQ VRPHRQH VLQJV OLNH WKDW \RX MXVW NQRZ WKH\¶UH JRLQJ WR JLYH H[FHOOHQW KHDG \RX NQRZ" /LNH ZKHQ KH sings all I can hear is “Please let my magical tongue dance all over your clitoris until I bring you to the most exquisite orgasm. , ZLOO ORYH \RX IRUHYHU ´ I wish that he did all of the concert banter instead of Zooey because she said things that were just so goddamn droll, it was like she was reading out of Concert Talk for Dummies or VRPHWKLQJ ³<RX¶UH DOO UHDOO\ JRRG SHRSOH , FDQ WHOO ´ 5HDOO\ Zooey? Wow, how kind of you to honor your paying audience ZLWK VXFK D VSHFL¿F WDLORUHG FRPSOLPHQW 5HDOO\ GRQ¶W JR RXW of your way to make us feel good. When she walked over to play the piano she looked so put out and so frail that I thought her arms were going to fall off. Actually that would make sense given the gigantic ROCK she ZDV ZHDULQJ RQ KHU OHIW ULQJ ¿QJHU 6HULRXVO\ ZKR NQHZ %HQ *LEEDUG¶V WDVWH LQ MHZHOU\ ZDV VR H[FHOOHQW" +H ZULWHV VRQJV DERXW UHODWLRQVKLSV IDLOLQJ VR LW¶V D KXJH VXUSULVH WKDW ZKHQ LW FRPHV WR V\PEROLVP RI UHODWLRQVKLS VXFFHVV KH¶V OLNH WKH IXFNLQ¶ PDQ Lets get real, though, if I was Ben Gibbard I would get that VKLW RQ ORFNGRZQ IRU VXUH ,W¶V QRW OLNH KLV FDUHHU LV UHDOO\ WDNLQJ RII RU DQ\WKLQJ DQG LI WKH\ HYHU KDYH EDELHV LW¶OO EH OLNH DQ LQGLH dreamchild. God. I hate her. Why does she have to be so skinny WKDW VKH FDQ EDUHO\ OLIW WKDW ULQJ ¿QJHU IURP WKH PLFURSKRQH" ,I P\ QXPEHU RQH WDOHQW ZDV WDPERXULQH ,¶G EH KRPHOHVV EXW KHU" 6KH¶V D PHJD PLOOLRQDLUH ZKR LV VR FRRO WKDW VKH FDQ DIIRUG to dress like a homeless person. Speaking of homeless people, what types of drugs is she on these days that makes her eyes look so fucking freaky? I VDZ LW RQ /HWWHUPDQ DQG .LPPHO DQG , FRXOGQ¶W EHOLHYH LW EXW seeing her face in person was a whole new can of worms. She either looked bewildered, intent, or bored, but most of the time , FRXOGQ¶W WHOO EHFDXVH KHU VWXSLG SHUIHFW EDQJV ZHUH EORFNLQJ

my view of her brows. 2ND\ DQG , NQRZ VKH¶V UHDOO\ WKLQ DQG VWXII EXW LW¶V RQO\ EHFDXVH VKH '2(61¶7 ($7 $QG QRW HYHQ LQ OLNH D OHJLWLPDWHO\ anorexic or even begging-for-attention-eating-disorder way, like VKH¶V DOOHUJLF WR HYHU\WKLQJ WKDW¶V HGLEOH 6KH¶V JOXWHQ ODFWRVH DQG VR\ LQWROHUDQW DQG RQ WRS RI WKDW VKH¶V D 9(*$1 , VWLOO MXVW FDQ¶W EHOLHYH WKDW 0 :DUG VLQJV DORQJVLGH D YHJDQ :DWFKLQJ KLV SHUIHFW ¿QJHUV FDUHVV WKDW JXLWDU , ZDV MXVW overcome. I would get in bed with him in a second and never let him go until he tore me in half with his perfect dick. I bet LW¶V PDGH FRPSOHWHO\ RI GLDPRQGV WKDW DUH D ]LOOLRQ WLPHV ELJJHU WKDQ VWXSLG =RRH\¶V URFN And then there were those two like, culty blondes on the VLGH ZKR KDG WKDW VDPH HPSW\ ORRN LQ WKHLU H\HV , PHDQ WKDW¶V VRUW RI XQGHUVWDQGDEOH WKRXJK WKH\¶UH SUREDEO\ SUHWW\ PHQWDOO\ damaged from all the inappropriate sexual acts they were forced to perform on their chosen leader. Like, you know, drink the Koolaid and suck the dick and whatnot. /LNH , PD\ EH D KHWHUR JLUO DQG HYHU\WKLQJ DQG ,¶P QRW HYHQ VD\LQJ WKLV EHFDXVH ,¶P WRWDOO\ FRPSOHWHO\ MHDORXV RI KHU ZKLFK ,¶P QRW ,¶P MXVW VD\LQJ WKDW , ZRXOG OLNH WR EH LQ D URRP DORQH with Zooey Deschanel so I could touch her in her pretty, skinny EDWKLQJ VXLW DUHDV $QG VKH ZRXOG OLNH LW WRR EHFDXVH ZH¶G KDYH that indie girl-on-girl-experimenting-in-bisexuality-mostlyMXVW GRLQJ LW EHFDXVH \RX¶UH GUXQN DW D SDUW\ FKHPLVWU\ JRLQJ on. But then maybe I would get embarrassed and I would make KHU NHHS LW WR KHUVHOI WRR MXVW OLNH VKH¶V DOZD\V WDONLQJ DERXW LQ DOO KHU VRQJV 6KH FRXOGQ¶W WHOO 0 :DUG RWKHUZLVH VKH¶G UXLQ P\ FKDQFHV DQG VKH FRXOGQ¶W WHOO %HQ *LEEDUG DQG VKH FRXOGQ¶W WHOO DQ\RQH ,W¶G EH KHU VHFUHW SDLQ DQG WKHQ PD\EH VKH¶G ORRN OLNH VKH KDG VRPHWKLQJ JRLQJ RQ LQ KHU EUDLQ ZKLOH she performed.

Toll Booths to be Installed on UCSC Campus Bridges by Chloi Rad

In a desperate last-minute attempt to raise PRQH\ IRU WKH VFKRRO GXULQJ WKH UHFHQW ¿QDQFLDO crisis, the UC system, in cooperation with Transportation and Parking Services (TAPS), has installed a number of toll booths on the UCSC campus bridges. 7KH ERRWKV VHW XS RQ ¿YH RI WKH VFKRRO¶V main bridges, require a $2 fee on the weekdays IURP SHGHVWULDQ WUDI¿F JRLQJ ERWK ZD\V DQG a $3 fee from travelers on their bicycles, and Fastrak is also planned to be introduced to ensure speedy travel. The toll bridges operate 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and include an additional $1 fee on the weekends. The introduction of these new toll bridges has been met with both positive and negative reactions from students. ³, GRQ¶W WKLQN LW¶V IDLU ´ VDLG 3RUWHU IUHVKPDQ Madison Ford. “I have a psych section at 9/10, and I have to cross at least one bridge to get WKHUH , NQRZ ZH¶UH KDYLQJ D EXGJHW FULVLV DQG all, but why should I have to pay two bucks just WR ZDON WR FODVV" ,¶P DOUHDG\ SD\LQJ EXFNV a week to skip my Tuesday/Thursday lecture. ,W¶V ULGLFXORXV ´ Sophomore Richard Harkson, on the other hand, saw no problem with the addition of the campus toll bridges.

The Fish Rap Live! June 1, 2010

³,W¶V QRW UHDOO\ D ELJ GHDO ´ +DUNVRQ WROG reporters. “You can just kinda walk around them most of the time. There are so many students JRLQJ EDFN DQG IRUWK WKH\ GRQ¶W UHDOO\ QRWLFH 6RPHWLPHV WKH\ MXVW GRQ¶W FDUH ,W¶V OLNH VWHDOLQJ IURP WKH GLQLQJ KDOO ´ 7$36 2I¿FHU -RUGDQ )OHWFKHU FXUUHQWO\ in charge of the Kresge toll bridge, expressed KLV FRQ¿GHQFH LQ WKH IXWXUH RI WKH WROO EULGJH program despite student complaint. “Based on the large student population traversing the campus bridges every day, we estimate there is a large amount of bank to be PDGH LQ WKH QH[W FRPLQJ \HDU ´ VDLG )OHWFKHU ³,I our approximations are correct, by Winter 2011, we plan on expanding the toll booths to the smaller bridges on campus as well, such as the one over that dried-up creek by McHenry, and the one leading into the Science & Engineering Library. In addition, plans are currently in the works for establishing an entrance fee to the 3RUWHU &DYHV ´ 7KLV ZDV IROORZHG XS E\ VHYHUDO HQWKXVLDVWLF ¿VW SXPSV DQG WKH ZRUG ³.$ &+,1*´ UHSHDWHG RYHU DQG RYHU When asked where the school was going to attain funds for construction and maintenance of WKH WROO ERRWKV )OHWFKHU UHVSRQGHG ³2K GRQ¶W ZRUU\ WKH\¶OO SD\ IRU WKHPVHOYHV <RX JRWWD VSHQG PRQH\ WR PDNH PRQH\ $QG LW¶V QRW OLNH 0F+HQU\ LV JRLQJ WR PLVV D FRXSOH WKRXVDQG ´

Lucas Jones

The Fish Rap Live! Presents the Tenth Annual

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Nicole Green’s Dad

Critter Contemplations: UCSC’s Wildlife Reflect on Past, Present, and Future ¸

e me realize how Entrance, and it just mad speeding down the West ry n’t-give-a-fuck” Cam “do 2 a 199 a had to ly sin real I cou a hman, My Sophomore year I lost chew on grass. As a fres to and hung out with here be oms to hro just mus am of I a lot lucky wrong things. I foraged precious life is and how the on sed so I took charge up, focu pe and sha to pessimistic t I realized that I needed attitude and I was pretty my weekends picnickPogonip. After the acciden nd in n spe I dow and ks buc ors, gy hon man and some pretty ng with a 3.8 or for CHP, I’m graduati of my life. Now I’m an edit d. Fiel ing on the East

When I look back at my co llege experie hanging out nce , I’ll thin in Tree 9, wild k of nights in the all the aftern Porte oon naps. I’ve faced some ob r Caves and journey to ac ademic exce stacles in my hipster kids llence; I rem would bring ember all the coke and my crazy a mean case friends and I of white nose would get synd that dark tim e but I’m glad rome; I lost a lot of budd ies in I st people at Sa nta Cruz from ayed strong. I met some great all walks of the Twilight life. At the he craze I had ne ight of arly 1000 frie I was blind w nds on Facebo hen I came to ok. If me to see. college, UC Santa Cruz ta ught

Makit to UCSC. les to make ac st but I ob e, m of r t fo lo I overcame a ver been easy H essions has ne PPXQLW\ WKDW VXSSRUWV P pr im od go ing IRXQG D FR slugs are OO\ na QD na ¿ ba YH at ,¶ th IHHO OLNH ve found at make be myself. I’ the things th and lets me accepting of e smell. d th an g ly in al ci iv pe really forg r animals, es he Steot e th om fr to t me differen as walking up to a few one time I w elf ys m ce du I remember intro t sure how l, hoping to ous, I wasn’ venson knol l, I was nerv called ua ey us s th A n . he le w e new peop e my surpris in ls fuckin’ ag el Im sm e. it m at sh they’d treat azin’ fat. Th bl ’s ne eo m so re I belong. out “Damn, I’d found whe good.” I knew

interesssting quessstion. r graduation? That’sss an rt of ¸What are my plansss for aftey asss ssn’t ssso sssure what ssso was I sse aus a major bec I’ll ssstay .. Well,

I ssstudied psssycholog t’sss nexsst... Perhapsss y, I’m ssstill unsssure wha d sssouth to career to pursssue. Actuall doobsss, sssurf, and hea oke sssome ssssshwaggy RXW VKLW here for sssummer, sssm KLVVV VV WKH µUHQWVVV µWLOO , ¿JXUH W 6VVDQ 'LHJR WR OLYH ZLWK

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was studying abroad. You get so comfortable in one place, but forcing myself to experience new things in a foreign place really changed nson, me. I spent most of my time in Steve in the but in Junior year, I got to spend time my Porter meadow and it really broadened tastes... horizons. The sights, the smells, the *glances at Chipmunk*

nted idea what I wa school I had no als, gh im hi an ted all ua sm ad g gr When I that I liked eatin ew ’t quite sn kn I wa e. I t lif y bu to do with m unded and slow, wo re SC was we UC ey to th g in especially when reer path. Com ca a to in in at rs th l so anne t profes sure how to ch e. I found grea me to n I’ve ever mad ent that taught rtm the best decisio pa De t en rm be cisors em in d sm an Di al ws the Mamm talents. My cla tural gifts and future is y m at th embrace my na ow sharper and I kn have never been ng with blood. pi ip dr d an bright

The endless supply of garbage and foo d makes Santa Cruz stint in the 90’s wh a very welcoming en a publication on place for me and my campus gave the Ra ORYH 8&6& ,W WRR family. Although I’v ccoon species a bad N PH D YHU\ ORQJ W e had my hardships name in the form of LPH WR WDNH DOO WKH U Community Studie , including a HTXLUHG FODVVHV EH a mischievous Racco s major and am rea FDXVH 8&6& GRHVQ on comic strip, I wi dy to put it to good ¶W RIIHU WRR PDQ\ QL ll forever use. JKW FODVVHV EXW , ¿Q DOO\ FRPSOHWHG P\

The Fish Rap Live! June 1, 2010

The memories of me crawling around campus sweatshirts with and seeing all my face will be of the people we embedded in m of my time in th aring y mind forever. e woods, I feel Although I spen forget the late lik e an integral pa night dining ha t most rt of th e ca m ll pu runs, tree-sitter s culture. I will VH[LOHG E\ P\ U s, blazing in th ne RRPPDWH DQG P ver e porter meadow, \ ¿UVW RII FDPSX get to, but when getting V SDUW\ 7KH SD I got there I wa UW\ WR RN s P gr eeted with a sh H GD\V WR screaming girls ot glass with a . picture of me an d

for the s prepared me e my major ha in structed es ter Yeah, I feel lik in en e always be terms of in lly real world. I’v cia pe es ng connected, red to hi en be tures and stayi I’ve nnels. Actually, e a high speed underground tu ak m to g in rk folks wo out join a team of y excited to go a and I’m reall ous about rv ne rail in Californi I’m ty. ute to socie got there and contrib open, but I’ve in the big wide ish e er th t ou g in be , I can accompl all sm I’m gh en thou my wits and ev . my mind to anything I put

So Long

.VVKUPNO[ <*:*

Hey graduates! Let your favorite children’s book help you say goodbye to your favorite and least favorite parts of your soon-to-be alma mater!

Goodnight Chancellor Blumenthalʼ’s moustache

Goodnight short shorts man

Goodnight naked run

Goodnight midnight drum circle

Goodnight dining hall diarrhea

Goodnight kombucha

Goodnight neverending McHenry construction

Goodnight Badﬁsh tribute to Sublime

Goodnight pushy CALPIRG volunteers

Goodnight snakebro

Goodnight dead sea lion on the beach The Fish Rap Live! June 1, 2010

Farewell

FUN WITH THE FISH RAP! Because we love you!

FISH RA P STAFFE R OF THE YE A CHARIZ R: ARD ings For Dummies! PUL M\S 3 UPUN H L 4

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WHAT FISH RAP LIVE STAFFERS ARE DOING AFTER COLLEGE?

The Fish Rap Live! June 1, 2010

Auf Wiedersehen

GUPPY GAMES

Mad Lib Evals! Humanities:

_______________________ had a ___________________ quarter. He/she did a(n) (name)

(adjective)

__________________ job ______________________the ______________. _____________’s (adjective)

(progressive verb)

(noun)

(name)

attendance at lecture and section was _________________, he/she was _______________, (adjective)

(adjective)

often serving as a ________________ for his/her peers. His/her first paper entitled (noun)

“_________________ the ________________: an analysis of ________________ imagery in (progressive verb)

(noun)

___________________’s ________________,” offered a strong thesis on _______________ (author)

(book title)

(plural noun)

in the ___________________ period. His/her argument was ___________________ (historical era)

(adverb)

___________________, simultaneously managing to ________________his/her (progressive verb)

(verb)

____________________and _________________the author’s ___________________. On the (plural noun)

(verb)

(noun)

whole, a ___________________ quarter from a ____________________student.

Sciences:

(adjective)

.\LZZ [OL *LSLIYP[` )HI` *OPU

Mr./Ms. ___________________’s average exercise score was _____. His/her (last name)

(number)

average exam score was ______. Including extra credit points earned, this yielded a (number)

class grade of _____. ________________ attended class and section _______________, (grade)

(first name)

(adverb)

and turned in ________________work. Overall, a ________________ quarter from a (neutral adjective)

(adjective)

_________________student. (adjective)

outstanding excellent chill impressive

t t t

awesome dank sicky sicky gnar gnar

t t t t

decent okay tolerable abominable

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disgusting tragic embarassing whack

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Suggested Word Bank:

The Fish Rap Live! June 1, 2010

Santa Cruz Boys Don’t Put Out

Goodbye

If You Have Sex, You Get One of These!

by Emmy Ballard An eerie phenomenon has overtaken the hallowed halls of UC Santa Cruz. Roommates can be found coexisting peacefully and even the halls of Porter Dorm B have gone uncommonly silent as the result of a startling new epidemic. “Santa Cruz boys don’t put out,” Kresge fourth-year Veronica Nelson said as she inched forward in a block-circling line snaking out of downtown sex shop Pure Pleasure. “I haven’t gotten laid this entire school year, and it’s not like I’m fug.” Cowell third-year Rick Morrissey is one such male who chooses to forgo sex. “I won’t give it up for just any girl,” he said. “A chick needs to respect my emotional, mental, and gastrointestinal needs before I can ever consider allowing her to meet my physical ones.” Morrisey added that he has a reputation to protect, unlike that total slut Brian who lives down the hall. “Besides,” he said, “I’m certainly not ready to father a baby in the event of contraceptive failure or misuse.” One SHOP organizer mourned the closure of the Condom Co-op after thousands of their contraceptives expired from lack of sales. Nonetheless, he was encouraged by the recent trend and met with the administration last week to propose a Men’s Center on campus in light of growing demand. “Over the last few years, we at SHOP have focused our research efforts toward empowering men to say ‘no’ to sexual suppression and reclaim their bodies,” he said. However, second-year Bethany Ferguson blames female aggression on guys who dress too sexy and act provocatively for attention. “Guys who go out on Saturday nights in tight v-necks and sexy Urban jeans might as well sharpie ‘Fuck Me’ on their foreheads,” she said. “So when they spend the entire night grindin’ up on my ass, PAAARDON me if I expect at least a quickie when I walk him home at the end of the night.” “Carole,” a female student who wished to remain anonymous as not to upset her boyfriend, said she hadn’t passed second base in her seven-month relationship and subsists on the occasional over-the-jeans grope to keep her libido at bay. “You know how I spent my last Friday night? Consoling [my boyfriend] during an emotional breakdown after some ‘noobs’ on Halo Live called him a cocksucker,” Carol said. “I ended up sleeping over only to cuddle all night and freeze while he stole the sheets and farted.” But Carol is among the lucky ones. Nelson noted the lack of alternative nookie for those unwilling to tap local high school students or those skeevy guys who loiter around the boardwalk. “Guys from other schools who visit friends will sometimes give it up if you MXPS WKHP WKH ¿UVW QLJKW WKH\¶UH KHUH ´ VKH said, “but 24 hours in this town and they’re preaching the ya-ya brotherhood and kissing each others’ purity rings.” Both women have big plans for the remaining Saturday nights of the quarter. “Masturbating to the new Justin Bieber video ‘til we run out of batteries,” they said in unison. “Fuck Santa Cruz boys.”

The Fish Rap Live! June 1, 2010

Point/Counterpoint: The Diva Cup HELL YES by Emmy Ballard

HELL NO by Danielle Enns

I’ve never been one for hippie bullshit, but the Diva Cup, a reusable silicone menstrual cup that does everything a tampon can and more, is by far my favorite thing I’ve ever put in my vagina. For starters, my Diva Cup has never leaked. Made of non-absorbent silicon, it is held in place by a sturdy ring at the top and the amazing powers of suction. I can’t be the only one who’s sneezed out tampons before -- they’re shaped like little torpedoes! No? Awkward... Also, since removal is aided by a ribbed stub on the bottom of the cup, there’s no absorbent string hanging out into your cute undies. No tampon string means no spotting, odors, or awkward juggling acts when you need to pee. It’s comfortable, too, I promise! I’m wearing one right now for maximum authenticity. The Diva Cup is about as long as a tampon or as short as one of my ex-boyfriends -- that’s how you know I can’t feel it! I’ve had days with the Diva Cup when I’ve totally forgotten I was on my period at all. Some days I even set alarms on my phone to remind me I need to empty it when I wake up and when I go to bed. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that you only have to change out your Diva Cup twice a day. Just reach on up there, pull and empty it out, rinse, and shove it back in. For those of you who get all squeamish at the idea of taking the Diva Cup out to empty it, let’s compare messes. Would you rather empty a conWDLQHG EORRG ¿OOHG FXS WZLFH D day, or change out a bloody cotton UDJ ¿YH WLPHV D GD\ DQG ZDON DURXQG smelling like period blood? I’d like WR UHPLQG \RX WKDW \RX MDP \RXU ¿Qgers up there pretty regularly anyway. Speaking of which, say hello to mess-free masturbation during menstruation! On that note, I have never felt more clean, comfortable, conWDLQHG RU VDWLV¿HG DV , KDYH ZLWK WKH 'LYD &XS ,I \RX FDQ JHW RYHU the initial ick-factor, I know you’ll fall for it too. Luckily for me, Diva Cup has enough love in its reservoir for the both of us.

There’s something inside of my vagina. Do you know what it is? I’ll give you a hint: It’s not a dick. It’s not a tampon. It could be a phallicshaped vegetable, but I doubt it because my roommate made me throw all of those away. Give up? It’s a menstrual cup! Couldn’t you tell by the way I was waddling towards you? The DivaCup a small plastic cup used by women (mainly just environmental do-gooders) as an alternative to tampons and pads. It collects WKH JRRG VWXII RYHU D SHULRG RI DERXW HLJKW KRXUV DQG WKHQ \RX ÀXVK WKH contents. It’s also probably the nastiest thing I’ve ever had stuck in my vagina. This thing is the size of a Tangerine and I’m supposed to just insert it into me like no biggie and leave it there? 7KH ¿UVW WLPH , tried it I felt dirty and unclean, like there was a cup of menstrual EORRG ÀRDWLQJ DURXQG LQVLGH RI PH /LNH one of those outof-body experiences except I’m in my body and there’s also something bloody in there. What if I fell down, and the blood poured out and pooled around my jeans? Someone’s going to think I’d been shot, or VWDEEHG DQG WKDW¶V WKH ODVW WKLQJ 3DFL¿F Avenue needs right now. What if it fell out while I was talking to that hot TA I’m trying to bang, or ordering Taco Bell or something? I can’t handle that sort of humiliation. I’ve never been pregnant, but I imagine it feels something like a DivaCup only bigger more gassy. Yeah, yeah, so you save money on Tampons. Whatever. Tampons and I go way back and I’m not about to just give them up for this shit because it’s “cheaper” and “better for the environment”. I started buying Tampax Pearls when I was fourteen. The clerk at CVS would wink at me every time I put the box down on the counter next to that month’s issue of J-14 and a Reese’s. Am I just supposed to forget memories like that and move on? What do you think I am, DivaCup, made of stone? You don’t even have a string attached to you and I’m supposed to just stick you up there willy-nilly and prance around like there isn’t a cup full of blood chillin’ in my vaginal canal? No way.

Take It, Bitch! Goodbye

Sex advice for the deviant, experimental, and just plain bored.

Meet Your Columnists The Prof - The Prof. is a contributing UC Santa Cruz professor who, like Batman, intends to keep his true identity secret. His published works concerning the ethical conundrums of this hyper-sexualized 21st century include such titles as “You’re Jerking Me Off: Truth in the Bedroom,” and “Generation S.L.U.T.” Daisy Deep Throat - Named best International Blow Jobber of the year in 2006, Daisy now gives classes and is paid $5,000 per blow job. She received her dominatrix degree from UC Santa Cruz back in 1969 when it was still a major. St. Bambi - Bambi was an obscure child star, now turned stripper. She’s an expert fetishist and blooming fantasy-porn star. Tyrone - Ty rode the hip-hop bubble of the late ‘90s with his À\ O\ULFV DERXW ELWFKHV DQG ORYLQ¶ RQO\ WR EH XQFHUHPRQLRXVO\ dropped by three major record labels when Eminem stopped being cool.

Dear Take It Bitch, I recently found out my boyfriend cheated on me with my brother. Later that same day, I found out he also cheated on me with my dog. I’m writing because I can’t decide which one to be more pissed about! What should I do? -Cheated in Cowell Daisy: Well, let me start out by saying any dick that goes in a dog’s ass will never again go in my vag. Let that one sink in for awhile. Tyrone: Still undecided? I’m not surprised, as I could also say any dick that goes in my sibling’s ass will never again go in my vag. I’m not sure why you feel like you need to be more pissed about one than the other. If it were me, I would be pissed about both of them equally, just in different ways. One, he fucked an animal and that’s just fucking gross. Two, he went gay for your brother, putting a whole new and horrible meaning to all those times he said “I love your family, we get along so well!” and made you feel good and thankful he didn’t think your family was lame or creepy. Bambi: Was the dog sex consensual? If not the dog sex is GH¿QLWHO\ ZRUVH (LWKHU ZD\ LWV JURVV DQG , FDQ¶W EHOLHYH \RX shared that with us.

Dear Take It Bitch, I am about to graduate. I am unfamiliar with post-college dating rituals, do you have any suggestions? -Graduate Without Game Prof: What kind of person you’re attracted to dictates where you should go to meet new people. First off, remember that afWHU JUDGXDWLRQ WKHUH DUH QR ÀH[L GROODUV VR \RX KDYH WR WDNH RXW cash before you go on a date. Realize that everyone else hasn’t gone to college, don’t talk about your professors and which ones were good, no one cares. Daisy: After I graduated from college I hosted the world’s largest gang bang. That event proved to be a very good networking tool. Since then I’ve dated #2, #3, and number #11

and I still get texts from #8, he’s my back up plan. Keep your options open. Tyrone: Keep at that Facebook, all your hot friends that were ³LQ UHODWLRQVKLSV´ ZRQ¶W EH WRJHWKHU IRUHYHU (VWDEOLVK JRRG position and grab those rebounds. The internet is the greatest thing to happen to singles since alcohol, use it. Also, protests are great places to meet young, hip, open-minded people, Facebook will tell you where the protests are.

Dear Take It Bitch, There’s nothing that turns me on more than a naked woman laying next to a giant plate of super nachos. How do I get my girlfriend to do this? -Fucked with Food Prof: The process of introducing food to your loving is a JUDGXDO SURFHVV 6WDUW ZLWK PRUH RUWKRGR[ VH[XDO ÀDYRUV OLNH chocolate and whipped cream, then graduate to meats, smooth cheeses and your last stop should be super nachos. Super nachos are a very ambitious food to introduce to sex, make sure she has seen everything else so the heaping plate of food is not too overwhelming. Bambi: There are many things to consider when introducing nachos to the bed. Make sure the hot sauce isn’t too spicy. A QLFH 3LFR GH *DOOR VKRXOGQ¶W LUULWDWH DQ\ RUL¿FHV DQG VRPH JUHDV\ FDUQLWDV FDQ DFW DV D ÀDYRUIXO OXEULFDQW Tyrone: ,W¶V UHDOO\ D ZLQ ZLQ VLWXDWLRQ (LWKHU VKH ZLOO EH RND\ with this and you will have sex and nachos or she will be pissed off and leave and you can eat nachos and watch TV. This is a no brainer my friend, bring home the nachos for a great night in.

Dear Take It Bitch, I’m really into MILFs, where is a good place to bag me a MILF in Santa Cruz? -Scheming on Sophisticates Prof: Graduation is right around the corner, Santa Cruz will EH ¿OOHG ZLWK IDPLOLHV DQG WKDW PHDQV 0206 0DNH VXUH WR attend every college’s graduation and look for fatherless families. The graduates won’t be able to cockblock because they will be busy walking the stage. Tyrone: You try going to the High School? There are some smokin’ hot mamas beggin’ for afternoon delight. Once you hear that 3:15 bell, you’ll know that its MILF hunting season. (YHQWXDOO\ LW ZLOO EH OLNH 3DYORY¶V 'RJ \RX¶OO KHDU D EHOO DQG you know its game time. Daisy: Go to Costco, moms love Costco. If you’re lucky you might even get the Kirkland Signature snatch, bitches in bulk.

Dear Take It Bitch, Now that it is the end of the year what’s the best way to get with that really hot TA I had in Winter Quarter? -Attracted to Assistants Prof: As a professor I can’t support this kind of behavior, but as a columnist I will answer your question. Impress your TA with knowledge you learned from their class and maybe then

your TA will teach you a lesson in intercourse. Tyrone: Ahh, the forbidden fruit. How do you pick the fruit which could not be picked before? TAs are nerds, you have to woo them with dinner, wine, and Pac-Man.

Dear Take It Bitch, I want to break up with my boyfriend during sex, how to I make sure that I get to climax? -Boner Buzzkill Prof: This is an interesting situation. I think the key to breaking up with him while having sex is to make sure that you don’t hurt his feelings too bad. Although his feelings are the last thing you should worry about, its important to make sure you maintain his hard-on. If he’s sad, his dick won’t be happy. Try and stroke his ego a little bit in order to maintain his erection. As long as he has an erection, he will continue to have sex, there’s no way he will hate you more than blue balls. Bambi: You can’t break up with him, you have to do something that makes him break up with you. There are various ways to get him to break up with you during sex, but there are very few ways that involve him continuing the act of coitus. To be honest, I’d recommend waiting till after the fuckin’.

Dear Take It Bitch, Now that I’m about to graduate, I feel like I need to get pregnant. What are the best sex position to induce pregnancy? -Beggin’ for Babies Prof: 7KHUH KDV QRW EHHQ DQ\ VFLHQWL¿F VWXG\ WKDW VXSSRUWV WKH claim that a particular sexual position increases your chance of getting pregnant, however there are some positions that many claim to increase your odds. Missionary and doggy style are said to be the best positions for pregnancy and many claim that laying on your back for 15 minutes afterwards helps pregnancy as well. Bambi: The Professor said it right, you want to wait for at least 15 minutes so those sperm have time to marinate. The missionary position is the preferred position for pregnancy because of the deep dickin’. Another position you can try is laying on the edge of the bed and having your soon to be husband hit that shit. Tyrone: The position matters some what, but the most important thing to remember is its all about timing. Make sure that you have sex one to two days before you ovulate, this will ensure the highest chances of getting pregnant. The small window of 48 hours before ovulation and 12 hours after ovulation are the most likely, so every hour counts! Also some people say that having an orgasm helps because it makes you more relaxed, this has not been proven though. Try to have an orgasm regardless, its more fun that way.

Got sex questions? Support your local sexperts and write to Take it, Bitch! ¿VKUDSORYH#JPDLO FRP The Fish Rap Live! June 1, 2010

Good Byyyye

Senior Superlatives: Threepeat Rappers 6RPH RI XV KDYH EHHQ DURXQG DOO WKUHH TXDUWHUV WKLV \HDU VR ZH·G OLNH WR WDNH WKLV FKDQFH WR KLJKOLJKW RXU EHVW TXDOLWLHV LQ SULQW $OVR WKDW·V SDS\UXV IRQW DQG WKLV LV &RPLF 6DQV :H ORYH W\SHIDFH MRNHV

Erin Schmalfeld Most Likely to Squander Her Potential

George Blumenthal Biggest Dreamboat

Melissa Rachel Black Best Kneecaps

Nicole Green Best Dad

David Dines Best Gun Collection

Eamon Donovan Best Redhead

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Jared Rosen Biggest Partier

Chloi Rad Most Likely to Actually Be an Anime Character

Jun Takeda Most Lkely to Hate Your Party

Brian Harker Most Likely to Be Don Draper

David Perlmutter Best

Gregory Ronquillo Rookie of the Year

David Kliger Most Likely to Drop Out

Emmy Ballard and James Shea Cutest Couple

Antonia Pechhia Worst Road Rage

Danielle Enns Most Mature

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Santa Cruz, CA Part-time job with a chance of an internship in a field you’re actually interested in.

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Merrill Graduate: ‘It’s all downhill from here.’

In this issue:

On Saturday morning at 9 o’ clock, Merrill students will commemorate the end of their college careers in a ceremony on the East Field. Graduation is hard for students of all colleges as it marks the end of an era, but students at Crown and Merrill colleges are feeling the pressure more than anyone. “Not only do we have the shittiest ceremony time,” says Pamela Von Barfalot, fourth-year Linguistics major, “our entire graduation experience until that point is haunted by this giant metaphor. It fucking blows.” The Career Center has been overrun with soon-to-be grads

lately, and Crown and Merrill students represent the majority of the concerned students. “It seems that the students are looking at their inevitable descent from ‘cardiac hill’ as some type of symbolic journey into the future, and they’re none too pleased about it,” said Mischka Orajel, a Career Center advisor. “I try to show them Slugquest and share success stories, but usually I just end up rubbing their backs while they weep in my lap.” Barfalot caught up with us a few days later and she wasn’t looking well. Her sweatsuit was stained and she looked like she hadn’t eaten in a few days. “I keep working on my resume,” she

said, “it keeps me up at night. I had to walk down to Humanities yesterday and all I could think was ‘you’ll never be good enough, you’ll never be good enough.’ I don’t know if all the other colleges are this scared about the future, but they don’t have to walk down that demon ramp every day. I love being a Merrill student, but this allegory overload just feels like torture.” Counseling and Psychological Services have set up a booth outside Tacos Morenos and are hosting daily “Burritos & Bawling” events to help students cope with the stress of graduating.

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ARTS & LEISURE

REAL ESTATE

SC Cancer Patient Rejects Non-Organic Wig pg. G36

Gator Takes Up Residence In Blue Lagoon pg. 4

Mathlete Caught With Steroids pg. cos ¾ x

Pretty Girl Farts In Class

2nd Year Thinks He Can Find Off-Campus Housing pg. 2

pg. 9