Volume 22, Issue 2

Toss Out Your Lanyards Edition WEATHER

IN THIS ISSUE:

Santa Cruz, CA 7KURZ \R PRQH\ LQ WKH DLU PDNH LW UDLQ PDNH LW UDLQ

Vol. XXII, Issue 2

In this issue: GLOBAL

&ROOHJH ¶V 1HZ 1DPH +RZ WR *HW DQ ,QWHUQHW *LUOIULHQG 'LYH 7HDP 'RHV %LQJR 1LJKW

“News Faux You”

Non-­cents

CAN YOU DIG IT?

Cairo protesters reinstate PharaohPage 4

INFRASTRUCTURE

Panda Express Opens - Page 8

LOCAL

Dumb Dog Dials 411, Owner Dies of Heart Attack - Page 11

HEALTH

Downturn Spurs Mass Investment in CruzID Gold

by Nicole Green

Radioactive Superhero suffers half-life crisis - Page 12

INSIDE JOKES

CAPS LOCK BROKEN IN PRESS CENTER PAGE 14

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WHAT'S THAT LIGHT OVER THE HILL?

2

2 Editors-­in-­Chief Emmy  Fucking  Ballard James  "Chicken  Tenders"Shea Managing  Editor Gregory  "Vaguely  Ethnic"  Ronquillo Content  Editor David  "Vanity  Plate"  Dines Best  Editor Nicole  "Nicole  Green"  Green Illustrators Anna  Brown,  Fred  Liang,  Courtney  Castaùos,  Donald  Smith Staff  Members Mark  Delyani,  Judyan  Gonzalez,  Everest   Dillion-­Hurley,  David  Dines,  Samer  Hosn,  Darlene  Mc-­ Coy,  David  Rothstein,  Lauren  Tomicich,  Sam  Weber,   Brendan  Woodruff.

Jan. 2011

LETTER FROM THE EDITORS Hey  lovies, A  fresh  new  glittery  year  is  upon  us!  It's  2011!  A  year  for  suprises,  cash  money  (thanks  College  Senates!),  cute  boys,  binge  drinking,  and  inspirational  messages  of  hope!  Are  you  guys  as  excited  as  we  are?  It's  a  new  era  for  all  of  us!  Dance  like  nobody's  watching!

We  may  have  had  our  problems  last  quarter,  but  as  Marilyn  Monroe  once  said,  if  you  can’t  handle  Fish  Rap  at  its  worst,  you  don’t  deserve  us  at  our  best.  We're  taking  advantage  of  this  new  year  to  really  break  on  out  and  grow  as  a  paper.  No  more  sourpuss  Fish  Rap!  Now  we’re  all  about  bubbles  and  jumping  and  clouds  and  Helvetica  or  a  QLFH VDQV VHULI IRQW DQG ZLVKHV DQG EXWWHUÀLHV DQG EHLQJ LQ ZDWHU DQG FDQG\ FRUQ DQG UXQQLQJ EDUHIRRW WKURXJK the  Cowell  quad  and  workout  shorts  that  make  our  butts  look  nice,  but  mostly  King  Jesus.  We're  joking  for  the  Lord  now!  Peace  love!

Did  you  guys  hear  about  how  everyone's  horoscope  changed?  We  can't  believe  it!  We  always  thought  Emmy  was  sooooo  much  a  Virgo,  but  we  guess  she's  a  Leo  now!  Rawr  ;͞)  Text  it!  We  follow  back!

But  we  promise,  this  issue  is  super-­califragicalious!  Our  favs:  Page  9  has  the  BEST  article  on  breakfast  burritos  (noms),  and  don’t  miss  an  expose  on  overexposed  pictures  taken  near  dusk  by  our  girl  Nicole  (love  KHU Ɔ $OVR ZH WKLQN SDJH KDV VRPHWKLQJ DERXW EXQQLHV DZZZ 7RR &XWH :H DUH DOO GLDPRQGV LQ RXU own  ways!

Think  about  it,  its  real.                XOXO                 Emmy  Ballard  &  James  $hea P.S.As  a  special  treat  for  our  #1  fan  (see  below),  hunt  for  a  bambi  on  every  page!

Contributors Malek  Ascha,  Julianne  Bellin,  Lindy  Edwards,  Clay  Malzkuhn,  Patrick  Rooney,  Martin  Staggs,  Amanda  Vivrette,  Solomon  Wong $hout  Out Thank  you  to  Cowell,  Crown,  and  Porter  Senates!  *Not  funded  by  Kresge  Parliament.

Join  our  ranks!

Meetings  every  Tuesday  at  8  p.m.,  upstairs  in  the  ARCenter.

Become  a  Fan  on  Facebook! search:  The  Fish  Rap  Live!

Follow  FRL  on  Twitter ZZZ WZLWWHU FRP ¿VKUDSOLYH Friend  us  on  Neopets  (seriously) Username:  Fishraplive Snail  Mail  Attn:  The  Fish  Rap  Live!

Press  Center University  of  California,  Santa  Cruz 1156  High  Street Santa  Cruz,  CA  95064-­1077 ¿VKUDSOLYH#JPDLO FRP Fish  Rap  Mantra I  know  that  you  think  It's  just  a  fantasy But  since  your  dad  walked  out  Your  mom  could  use  a  guy  like  me Stacy’s  mom  has  got  it  goin’  on She’s  all  I  want And  I’ve  waited  for  so  long Stacy  can’t  you  see You’re  just  not  the  girl  for  me I  know  it  might  be  wrong But  I’m  in  love  with  Stacy’s  mom

Way  back  in  2010,  Fish  Rap  Live  received  this  wonderful  little  letter  that  brightened  up  our  day!  Unfortu-­ nately,  it  disappeared  into  the  unnavigable  Pagemaster  VW\OH ¿OLQJ system  here  at  FRL,  lost  to  the  ages,  until  now!  Thanks  again,  Deerlover,  this  is  one  of  our  favorite  pieces  of  fanmail  we’ve  ever  received.

Send  us  your  love  (or  your  hatred)  at  ¿VKUDSOLYH#JPDLO

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The Fish Rap Live! January 31, 2011

I THINK IT’S COMING CLOSER!

3

Kresge Student Loses BIC Lighter All Majors Merge Under Sociology

by Mark Delyani

by David Rothstein Joseph  Gillman,  a  Jewish  Studies  major  at  Kresge  College,  misplaced  yet  another  lighter  after  a  chill  Friday  night  at  his  buddy’s  apartment.  “Yeah,  I  just  can’t  think  of  when  I  had  it  last,â€?  Gillman  confessed  apologetically,  when  asked  about  the  last  place  he  PLJKW KDYH OHIW LW 7KLV PDUNV WKH IRXUWK OLJKWHU *LOOPDQ KDV ORVW LQ WKH ÂżUVW IHZ ZHHNV RI :LQWHU TXDUWHU RWKHU OLJKWHUV ZHUH ORVW or  stolen  at  various  parties,  hikes  or  smoke  sessions  Gillman  attended.  Gillman  claims  he  marks  each  lighter  individually  by  UHPRYLQJ WKH OLJKWHUÂśV VDIHW\ LI \RX DUH LQ SRVVHVVLRQ RI D %,& OLJKWHU PLVVLQJ LWV VDIHW\ SOHDVH UHSRUW WR &DPSXV 3ROLFH LQ RUGHU to  return  the  object  to  its  rightful  owner.

,Q DQ HIIRUW WR UHOLHYH EXGJHW SUREOHPV DQ LQWHU GHSDUWPHQWDO committee  announced  that  beginning  next  year,  all  majors  cur rently  offered  at  UC  Santa  Cruz  will  be  merged  into  the  Sociol RJ\ 'HSDUWPHQW Âł1RZ ,ÂśP QRW VD\LQJ WKDW LWÂśV H[DFWO\ DQ DSSOHV WR DSSOHV FRPSDULVRQ KHUH EXW LI \RX WKLQN DERXW LW KDUG PDWK is  kinda  like  the  humanitiesâ€?  said  Percy  Anopticon,  chair  of  the  PDMRU ZLGH FRPPLWWHH To  facilitate  the  integration,  majors  already  dealing  with  is sues  close  to  Sociology,   such  as  American  Studies  or  Feminist  6WXGLHV ZLOO PHUJH ÂżUVW ZLWK PRVW RI WKH GHSDUWPHQWDO VWDII MXVW PRYLQJ WR WKH 6RFLRORJ\ GHSDUWPHQW 1RQ KXPDQLWLHV GHSDUW PHQWV ZLOO RIIHU K\EULG KXPDQLWLHV UHODWHG FODVVHV VXFK DV $06 & 3DQRSWLFRQDO 7ULJRQRPHWU\ &036 0RUDOLW\ DQG .LOO ERWV DQG $675 &XOWXUDO &URVV 6HFWLRQ RI WKH 3OHLDGHV ,Q addition  to  this,  to  make  up  for  losses  within  the  former  humani WLHV GHSDUWPHQWV WKH 6RFLRORJ\ GHSDUWPHQW ZLOO RIIHU JUDGXDWH level  courses  in  Institutional  Liberalism,  with  concentrations  in  claiming  to  understand  the  plight  of  the  working  man  while  be LQJ ÂżUPO\ PLGGOH FODVV EHOLHYLQJ \RX FDQ DFWXDOO\ PDNH D GLI ference,  and  complaining  about  the  racism  inherent  within  the  system  without  actually  doing  anything  about  it. “We  recognize  that  this  is  not  the  ideal  situation,  but  desper DWH ÂżQDQFLDO WLPHV FDOO IRU GHVSHUDWH ÂżQDQFLDO PHDVXUHV %HFDXVH the  U.C.  is  committed  to  providing  the  best  possible  public  edu cation,  it  is  in  our  best  interest  to  merge  all  of  the  majors  for  the  time  being,â€?  Anopticon  stated,  “We  chose  Sociology  because,  as  a  social  science,  it  represents  a  happy  medium  between  the  sci ences  and  the  humanities.â€? +RZHYHU QRW HYHU\ERG\ LV KDSS\ ZLWK WKLV SODQ %HUQLH &DO KRXQ &URZQ WKLUG \HDU DQG OHDGHU RI WKH JURXS 6WXGHQWV $JDLQVW the  Social  Sciences  stated,  “I  came  here  to  learn  about  computer  game  design,  not  that  hegemony  bullshit.  This  is  why  SASS  is  committed  to  showing  the  regents  that  this  merger  is  a  bad  idea.â€?

NEWS BRIEFS Cowell Resident Unashamed of Poor Sexual Performance

New Gym Policy Raises Eyebrows, Lowers Boners

LSD Kicking in, Reports Talking Dragon

by David Rothstein

by Judyan Gonzalez

by Gregory Ronquillo

&RZHOO IUHVKPDQ .HQW 0XUSK\ ZDV UHSRUWHG WR KDYH HMDFX lated  prematurely  during  last  Thursday  night’s  foreplay  with  a  female  UCSC  student,  who  has  asked  to  remain  unnamed.  “I  didn’t  have  class  all  of  Thursday,  so  I  spent  a  lot  of  my  time  in  my  dorm  room  watching  porn,â€?  he  said.  “I  had  no  idea  that  I  was  going  to  hook  up  with  anyone  that  night  until  she  barged  into  my  room.â€?  7KH DIRUHPHQWLRQHG DQRQ\PRXV IHPDOH FODLPV 0XUSK\ KDG texted  her  multiple  times  in  the  aftermath  of  a  drunken  sexual  endeavor  the  previous  weekend.  )HHOLQJ VRUU\ IRU 0XUSK\ RXU IHPDOH LQIRUPHU JUXGJLQJO\ gave  in  to  his  requests  to  “just  hang  out  again  and  chill,â€?  visiting  his  dorm  room  while  his  roommate  sat  out  in  the  hall.  6KH UHSRUWV ÂłTXLFNO\ UHJUHWWLQJ WKH GHFLVLRQ´ ZKHQ 0XUSK\ embarrassingly  climaxed  upon  the  removal  of  her  bra.  ³$FFLGHQWV KDSSHQ ´ VD\V DQ RSWLPLVWLF 0XUSK\ ZLWK D VKUXJ KLV GLVVDWLVÂżHG IHPDOH FRXQWHUSDUW FODLPV 0XUSK\ ZLOO QRW EH VR cavalier  after  reading  the  story  published  in  print. Â

On  heel  of  complaints  that  “people’s  shorts  getting  just  too  damn  short  and  tight  for  a  practically  public  place,â€?  Wellness  &HQWHU UHSUHVHQWDWLYHV RIÂżFLDOO\ DQQRXQFHG ODVW 0RQGD\ SODQV WR implement  a  ‘No  Shorts’  policy  for  all  visitors.  The  new  policy  came  in  light  of  reports  of  people  having  to  SLFN WKHLU MDZV RII WKH Ă€RRU DQG WDSH ERQHUV GRZQ 2WKHU J\P attendees  reported  seeing  "ball  cleavage"  and  "uncomfortable  bulges"  when  describing  men's  shorts. Âł:KHQ ZH ÂżUVW SURSRVHG WKH QR VKRUWV SROLF\ ZH KDG WR FRPH up  with  a  good,  wholesome  reliable  alternative,  that  could  al low  for  full  mobility  and  have  no  sexual  appeal,â€?  stated  OPERS  facility  member  Harold  Chutney,  “So  we  decided  on  parachute  pants."

Parachute  pants  have  been  on  sale  at  the  Wellness  Center  for  the  past  week  leading  up  to  the  implementation  of  the  new  policy.  Surprisingly  the  student  reaction  has  been  overwhelm ingly  positive.  "I  love  these  new  pants,�  exclaimed  one  gym  attendee,"They  DOORZ IRU VR PXFK PRYHPHQW HVSHFLDOO\ ZKHQ VKXIÀLQJ VLGH WR side.�

After  a  long  period  of  questioned  potency,  the  psychedelic  GUXJV DUH ¿QDOO\ NLFNLQJ LQ UHSRUWV WDONLQJ GUDJRQ DQG IRUPHU &ROOHJH VRSKRPRUH %HUW +RIIPDQ "Yeah,  I'm  really  starting  to  feel  it,"  the  dragon  said  as  he  ruf ÀHG KLV QRVWULOV DQG HQJXOIHG D KDQGIXO RI &RRO 5DQFK 'RULWRV 7KH /6' KDG EHHQ DFTXLUHG ZKHQ %HUW ZDV VWLOO LQ KLV KXPDQ form,  but  transformed  into  a  raging  50  foot  dragon  approximate ly  15  minutes  after  ingestion.  +RO\ VKLW GXGH , P D IXFNLQJ GUDJRQ 0\ PRP LV JRQQD EH so  pissed  at  me,"  Hoffman  commented  after  letting  out  a  mighty  URDU WKDW VPHOOHG RI FRRO UDQFK GUHVVLQJ &RQÀLFWLQJ DFFRXQWV RI WKH VLWXDWLRQ DVVHUW +RIIPDQ KDG WXUQHG LQWR D ELR OXPLQHVFHQW SRUSRLVH 1R GXGH \RX UH D ELR OXPLQHVFHQW SRUSRLVH , WKLQN WKLV VKLW ZDV VSLNHG WKUHH KHDGHG IUHVKPDQ *ORULD %DUDMDV FRQ¿UPHG Two  of  Gloria's  heads  could  not  be  reached  for  comment,  while  her  third  head  laughed  uncontrollably.  At  current  press  time,  the  former  sophomore  indicated  he  was  JRLQJ WR JR EX\ \RJXUW DW WKH ORFDO 6DIHZD\ DQG ULGH WKH VL[ OHJJHG FDW EXV GRZQWRZQ

The Fish Rap Live! January 31, 2011

4

Cruzfit: Fuck the Fat Away?

IS IT GETTING BIGGER?

LARPing Gets You Laid, Says Surprised Nerd

Protesters Rise Up to Fight Heightism

by Lindy Edwards

by Patrick Rooney

by Lindy Edwards

3ODQQHG 3DUHQWKRRG KDV UHSRUWHG D VLJQL¿FDQW ULVH LQ WKH number  of  18-­25  year  old  women  coming  into  the  clinic  and  ask-­ ing  for  either  contraception  or  abortions  over  the  last  few  weeks.  Although  this  spike  initially  puzzled  clinicians,  eventually  they  GLVFRYHUHG WKH FXOSULW VWXGHQWV IXFNLQJ IRU &UX]¿W 8&6&œV ¿W-­ ness  program.  Those  who  choose  to  participate  team  up  with  friends  and  try  to  log  a  total  of  1500  minutes  of  physical  activ-­ ity  by  mid  March.  If  everyone  on  the  team  logs  1500  minutes,  everyone  gets  a  t-­shirt,  so  if  you  don’t  already  have  enough  free  W VKLUWV IURP DOO WKH RWKHU UDQGRP VKLW \RXœYH GRQH &UX]¿W PLJKW be  a  good  thing  for  you.

The  catch  is  that  the  program  doesn’t  specify  what  kind  of  exercise  you  need  to  do.  As  long  as  you  record  around  30  minutes  of  activity  per  day,  you’re  well  on  your  way  to  getting  that  t-­shirt  (I  hear  this  year’s  design  looks  pretty  damn  cool).  This  means  that  if  you’re  a  pussy  and  consider  your  walk  to  the  media  theater  and  back  to  be  exercise,  you  get  the  same  amount  of  credit  as  the  guy  who  spent  a  half  hour  running  on  the  treadmill  like  a  crazed  hamster.  Students  don’t  even  have  to  stick  to  more  traditional  forms  of  exercise  like  running  or  walking,  which  is  why  Planned  Parenthood  is  concerned.

2QH RI WKH VWDII PHPEHUV WKHUH WHOOV XV WKDW ³DW ¿UVW ZH WKRXJKW that  maybe  the  rise  in  abortions  we  were  giving  was  simply  be-­ cause  college  girls  are  whores.  We  wondered  if  the  drinking  age  had  been  lowered  to  18  at  the  start  of  2011,  and  for  some  reason  we  hadn’t  been  informed.  This  would  make  it  easier  for  drunken  hookups  to  happen.  We  eliminated  this  possibility  immediately  because  if  you  don’t  know  of  anyone  who  can  hook  you  up  with  booze,  you  probably  spend  too  much  time  in  your  room  and  are  never  going  to  get  laid  anyway.  After  someone  told  us  about  Cru-­ ]¿W ZH NQHZ ZKDW WKH FDXVH ZDV 6WXGHQWV KDYH EHHQ XVLQJ WKH program  as  an  excuse  to  fuck  like  crazy.  It’s  really  good  exercise  too  and  burns  150-­250  calories  per  hour,  depending  on  your  size  and  how  much  you  get  into  it.�

So  is  Planned  Parenthood  expecting  that  this  trend  will  con-­ tinue?  “It’ll  probably  level  off  now  that  everyone  who’s  partici-­ SDWLQJ LQ &UX]ÂżW KDV VLJQHG XS ´ WKH FOLQLFLDQ WROG XV Âł3HUKDSV WKLV H[SODLQV ZK\ DOO RXU SDWURQV KDYH EHHQ ORRNLQJ VR ÂżW ODWHO\ ´

FRL!  was  contacted  late  Friday  night  by  a  student  claiming  to  have  lost  his  virginity.  Shockingly,  Ernest  Octavio  is  not  only  an  active  member  of  the  live  action  role  playing  community,  seen  often  swinging  foam  swords  at  one  another  and  yelling  “No  I  hit  you�,  but  attributes  his  carnal  success  to  LARPing  itself. “Engaging  in  epic  battles  against  the  rival  hordes  was  always  a  way  for  me  to  work  out  my  sexual  frustration,�  said  Octavio,  a  third-­year  from  Crown  College.  “I  never  dreamed  that,  like  Par-­ cival  and  the  knights  of  old,  my  heroics  would  win  me  a  maiden  of  mine  own!�

2FWDYLR ZDV ÂżHUFHO\ SURWHFWLYH RI WKH LGHQWLW\ RI VDLG PDLGHQ However,  subsequent  investigation  revealed  the  girl’s  identity  as  Clara  Fishborne,  one  of  the  few  women  to  participate  in  LARP-­ ing. “It  was  Clara,â€?  said  fellow  LARPer  Heinrich  Olbermunde.   “Total  skank.  And  she  swings  a  mace  like  a  plague-­ridden  squire.â€?

Onlooking  orcish  hordes  were  quick  to  speculate  on  Olber-­ munde’s  harsh  comments  on  the  burgeoning  love  affair.  Olber-­ munde  denied  that  jealousy  motivated  his  negative  feelings  to-­ ward  Fishborne.  “I  could  be  up  to  my  codpiece  in  chicks,  but  I  happen  to  adhere  to  a  code  of  chivalry  which  some  people  appear  to  have  forgotten.�Olbermunde   also  touched  on  the  fact  that  sexual  activity  among  his  soldiers  has  become  a  problem. “Octavio  is  not  an  isolated  case,�  he  said.  “Many  recruits  who  had  previously  retained  all  their  energy  for  the  cause  are  now  carelessly  depleting  their  hot  oil  reserves  on  wenches.�

Indeed,  desertion  has  become  more  of  a  problem  among  LARP  troops,  as  greater  numbers  of  students  choose  sex  over  being  hit  in  the  face  with  giant  blue  lances. “There  may  be  only  one  way  to  settle  this,â€?  said  Olbermunde,  ¿QJHULQJ WKH HGJH RI D SRO\XUHWKDQH EDWWOH D[H Âł, VSHDN RI ZDU ´ Fishborne  was  hard-­pressed  to  explain  the  attraction  she  had  IRU 2FWDYLR DV VKH ZDWFKHG KLP UXQQLQJ DURXQG D ÂżHOG VZLQJLQJ a  sword  and  reciting  Monty  Python  lines  at  the  top  of  his  lungs.  “I  mean,â€?  Fishborne  said,  “it  beats  douchy  lacrosse  players.â€?

A  small  group  of  UCSC  students  recently  rallied  together  to  raise  awareness  of  what  they  believe  to  be  the  most  overlooked  VRFLDO LQMXVWLFH KHLJKWLVP RU GLVFULPLQDWLRQ DJDLQVW VKRUW SHR-­ SOH 7KH VWXGHQWV VD\ WKDW WKH\ ¿QDOO\ FDYHG DIWHU EHLQJ IUXV-­ trated  with  their  inability  to  get  to  things  on  the  highest  shelves  RI VWRUHV WKHLU GLI¿FXOW\ ¿QGLQJ SURSHUO\ ¿WWHG SDQWV DQG WKH amount  of  times  they  have  been  used  as  a  human  armrests.

We  asked  the  leader  of  the  movement,  a  sophomore  in  Crown  College,  why  she  was  moved  to  take  up  her  cause.  “People  don’t  understand  that  height  isn’t  something  you  can  choose,â€?  she  told  us.  “They  need  to  know  that  our  smaller  stature  doesn’t  make  us  any  less  human.  Our  condition  is  genetic,  and  we  live  in  a  world  that  hates  us  because  of  it.  I  was  assigned  to  an  apartment  on  the  ¿UVW Ă€RRU RI P\ EXLOGLQJ DQG , NQRZ LWÂśV EHFDXVH WKH SHRSOH LQ charge  of  housing  don’t  think  I’m  good  enough  for  the  upper  ÀRRUV )LYH RXW RI VL[ RI WKH SHRSOH ZKR OLYH RQ WKH KLJKHVW Ă€RRU are  tall,  and  that  can’t  be  coincidence.  I’m  fucking  sick  of  this  blatant  discrimination.â€?

She  continues  to  tell  us  that  “Heightists  aren’t  as  obvious  about  their  prejudices  as  stereotypical  homophobes  and  racists.  No  one  ever  sees  basketball  players  carrying  around  signs  that  say  things  like  ‘death  to  midgets’  or  ‘go  back  to  working  with  the  Keebler  Elves’.�  When  we  asked  one  of  the  students  who  passed  by  the  rally  what  he  thought  of  the  heightism  victims  standing  up  for  themselves,  he  responded  with,  “Standing?  I  thought  they  were  sitting.�  Reactions  like  this  only  serve  to  remind  the  pro-­ testors  that  their  goals  are  just  out  of  reach,  like  the  overhead  compartments  on  airplanes.

7KHUH ZLOO EH D GDQFH WR ¿JKW KHLJKWLVP DW .UHVJH LQ HDUO\ February.  Admission  will  be  a  dollar,  and  all  proceeds  will  go  to  the  Students  and  Teachers  United  Behind  Belittled  Youth  (S.T.U.B.B.Y.)  Foundation.  Although  it  was  a  tall  order,  the  pro-­ testers  managed  to  raise  enough  funds  for  Lil  Wayne  and  Lil  B  to  perform-­  artists  that  could  relate  to  little  people  with  big  am-­ bitions.  The  dance  will  be  open  to  students  of  all  sizes,  though  those  under  four  feet  will  be  required  to  sign  a  waiver  stating  that  they  understand  the  risks  of  being  trampled.

Badfish becomes Daft Punk tribute band

by Clay Malzkuhn

In  a  surprise  move  already  sending  waves  of  shock  throughout  the  cover  band  community,  %DGÂżVK $ 7ULEXWH WR 6XEOLPH DQQRXQFHG 0RQGD\ WKDW WKH\ ZRXOG QR ORQJHU SOD\ WKH PXVLF RI 6XEOLPH EXW LQVWHDG FRQWLQXH RQ DV +XPDQ $IWHU $OO $ 7ULEXWH WR 'DIW 3XQN “It  was,  like,  a  really  tough  decision  deciding  to  change  our  sound  after  10  long  years,  but  we  DOO WKLQN LW ZDV IRU WKH EHVW ´ VLQJHU 3DW 'RZQHV WROG UHSRUWHUV DW D SUHVV FRQIHUHQFH DW 3LSH/LQH “I  mean,  Sublime  is  one  of  the  sickest  bands  ever,  but  nobody  listens  to  ska  anymore,  and  we  honestly  think  it’s  for  the  best.  Besides,  we  can  totally  have  lasers  now,  brah!â€? $FFRUGLQJ WR D VHULHV RI UDSLG ÂżUH WZHHWV SRVWHG RQ WKH EDQGÂśV 7ZLWWHU SDJH WKH LGHD IRU WKH FKDQJH FDPH VRRQ DIWHU WKH EDQG YLHZHG WKH ÂżOP 7URQ /HJDF\ DIWHU ZKDW ZDV GHVFULEHG DV ÂłIRXU RU ÂżYH KDVK ERZOV ´ 7KH JURXS ZDV UHSRUWHGO\ VR LPSUHVVHG E\ WKH VSHFLDO HIIHFWV WKDW WKH\ LPPHGLDWHO\ VROG DOO WKHLU LQVWUXPHQWV LQFOXGLQJ 'RZQHVÂś SULFHOHVV JXLWDU SXUFKDVHG on  eBay  that  Sublime  singer  Bradley  Nowell  spilled  bong  water  on  in  1995.

While  the  newly  christened  Human  After  All  expressed  excitement  for  the  new  op-­ portunities  that  await  them,  their  peers  in  the  tribute  band  circuit  reacted  with  disbelief  and  anger. “God,  I  can’t  believe  they  would  pull  this  shit,â€?  said  Jon  Bromberg,  lead  singer  of  Menorah  Threat,  the  all-­Jewish  tribute  to  Minor  Threat.  “Fuckin’  sellouts!  You  can’t  just  change  your  band  like  that,  it’s  like  changing  your  fucking  religion.â€?  “Changing  the  band  you’re  covering  is  like  changing  your  entire  life,â€?  added  Peter  %DVLOGRQ EDVVLVW IRU 2L 'LYLVLRQ Âł:KHQ \RX GHFLGH WR EHFRPH D WULEXWH EDQG LWÂśV DOPRVW OLNH D FHUHPRQ\ ,WÂśV PRUH WKDQ MXVW PXVLF LWÂśV D ZD\ RI OLIH 'R \RX NQRZ KRZ PDQ\ RI RXU lead  singers  keep  killing  themselves?  You  can’t  just  walk  away  from  that.â€? Âł7KH\ÂśUH DOO MXVW MHDORXV WKDW WKH\ GLGQÂśW WKLQN RI LW ÂżUVW ´ UHVSRQGHG 'RZQHV Âł7KH\ÂśYH always  been  jealous  ever  since  we  started  getting  gigs  outside  the  bowling  alley.  Well,  we’re  not  looking  back.  We’re  kickin’  it  harder,  better,  faster,  stronger,  yo.â€? $GGHG 'RZQHV Âł0\ PRPÂśV JRQQD JHW XV WKHVH UHDOO\ VLFN URERW VXLWV LWÂśV JRQQD EH IXFNLQÂś killer.â€?

The Fish Rap Live! January 31, 2011

The Fish Rap Live! January 31, 2011

6

No, it’s just cars.

College 8 to Finally Get a Real Name

by Lindy Edwards

In  real  news,  Fish  Rap  Live!  has  recently  learned  that  UCSC  plans  on  renaming  College  8  to  McCloskey  College,  after  former  politician  and  Korean  War  veteran  Pete  McCloskey.  McCloskey,  who  recently  garnered  press  in  2007  when  he  switched  political  parties  from  Republican  to  Demo-­ crat,  was  chosen  to  be  the  new  colleges  namesake  following  generous  donations  to  the  campus. “We  thought  he  embodied  everything  that  College  8  represents,â€?  stated  EVC  Galloway,  “Flip-­ Ă€RSV ´ 0F&ORVNH\ÂśV QDPHVDNH ZDV DSSURYHG E\ WKH JUHDWHU FDPSXV FRPPXQLW\ IROORZLQJ DVVHVV-­ ment  of  his  role  in  the  political  sphere. “His  co-­authorship  of  the  Endangered  Species  Act  speaks  to  our  preservationist  ideals,â€?  ex-­ plained  Chancellor  Blumenthal,  “and  College  8  is  basically  a  Fitted  Cap  Sanctuary  so  there  ya  go.â€?

McCloskey’s  motivation  in  contributing  to  the  campus  was  borne  out  of  a  need  to  help  improve  his  legacy.  “I’m  83  years  old,  and  a  few  years  back  I  realized  that  I  needed  to  make  some  changes  in  my  life,â€?  states  the  ex-­colonel,  “My  doctor  had  told  me  that  I  needed  to  switch  out  my  DUWKULWLV PHGLFDWLRQ VR , ÂżJXUHG WKDW , PD\ DV well  switch  up  some  other  things  too.â€?

Shortly  after  his  fateful  doctor’s  visit,  McCloskey  felt  empowered  to  lead  a  “re-­ volt  of  the  eldersâ€?  against  his  political  op-­ ponent  Richard  Pombo,  where  McCloskey  and  his  bingo  buddies  made  a  joint  effort  to  summon  the  Ents  from  Middle  Earth.  Although  the  Ents  failed  to  crush  Pombo  because  they  believed  they  would  be  more  useful  trying  to  defeat  the  evil  Lord  Sauron,  McCloskey  still  said  that  he  was  “stokedâ€?  to  continue  making  changes  in Â

his  lifestyle.  McCloskey  quit  P e politics,  saying  that  “it’s  all  bro te  McClo s ,  wa y  ba key  and  C so  uptight,  and  I  want  the  ck. hanc ellor rest  of  my  life  to  be  chill.â€?   Blu men Following  his  exit  from  politics,  McClos-­ thal  g o  wa key  stopped  wearing  three  piece  suits  and  instead  start-­ y  ba ck  HG ZHDULQJ EDVNHWEDOO VKRUWV DQG VDQGDOV )RU WKH ÂżUVW \HDU RI WKLV WUDQVLWLRQ KH KDG GLIÂżFXOW\ EUHDNLQJ WKH KDELW RI WXFNLQJ JROI SRORV LQWR WKHP EXW eventually  he  trained  himself  not  to. :KHQ 0F&ORVNH\ ZDV WROG WKDW KLV GRQDWLRQ WR 8&6& ZDV VXIÂżFLHQW WR KDYH D FROOHJH QDPH after  him,  he  was  thrilled.  “I  immediately  ordered  the  complete  Sublime  discography  to  celebrate.  My  wife  started  complaining  that  she  liked  it  when  I  listened  to  Duke  Ellington  better,  but  she  just  doesn’t  understand  bitchin’  music.  I  think  I’ll  show  her  some  Red  Hot  Chili  Peppers  next.â€?  McClo-­ VNH\ KDV DOVR GHFLGHG WR WDNH XS VXUÂżQJ DQG signed  up  for  a  class,  where  he  says  that  he  feels  like  he’s  with  his  own  people.  He  tells  us  that  his  instructor  warned  him  that  this  could  be  a  strain  on  his  heart,  but  he  brushed  off  the  warning,  saying  that  how  else  could  he  catch  all  the  sick  waves  at  Steamer  Lane?

When  asked  whether  he  could’ve  sent  the  donation  funds  to  helping  keep  the  struggling  Latin  American  and  Latino  Studies  major  DĂ€RDW UDWKHU WKDQ WR D VLPSOH YDQLW\ SURMHFW McCloskey  responded  by,  “starting  to  laugh  DQG WKHQ KDYLQJ VRPH GLIÂżFXOW\ EUHDWKLQJ ´

24 Interesting Classes to Take This Quarter at UCSC HAVC  190S  Critical  Issues  in  Contemporary  Art  and  Visual  Culture  Finally,  a  class  to  deal  with  the  urgent  issues  that  have  arisen  in  talking  about  the  same  paintings  over  and  over  again.

ANTHRO  80H  Acoustic  Culture Study  the  bros  playing  Wonderwall  outside  Cowell.   Final  project  includes  review  of  Jack  Johnson's  chill  new  album.

ART  30  Introduction  to  Photography  for  Art  Majors Learn  how  to  take  pictures  of  your  paintings  so  you  can  send  them  to  museums.

SOCY  99F  Tutorial Introduction  in  how  to  learn  about  sociology.

ANTHRO  80K  Culture  through  Food Learn  which  dining  halls  have  sushi  on  what  days.   Prerequisites:  7-­day  meal  plan.  Â

HIST  63  Women  in  the  Ancient  World Lessons  built  around  spotting  and  verifying  witches  &  witchcraft.

ANTHRO  80Z  The  Good  Life Learn  how  to  roll  blunts,  make  White  Rus-­ sians,  and  get  laid. Â

ART  138  Darkroom  Practices Learn  what  you  can  get  away  with  in  a  dark-­ room!   Bring  your  own  condoms  /  tissues.   Crown  students  required  to  take  BIO  80A  Female  Physiology  and  Gynecology.

POLY  10  Nationalism POLY  10  is  the  greatest  class  in  the  history  of  education.  POLY  10  shall  continue  its  expan-­ sion  into  total  education  dominance.

HAVC  243  Alternative  Architecture Architecture  that’s  not  quite  corporate  enough  for  mainstream  but  still  isn’t  underground  enough  to  be  indie.

HAVC  135B  German  Art,  1905-­1945 Conclusive  proof  that  Hitler  was  fucking  ter-­ rible  at  art.

EART  116  Hydrology This  class  isn’t  about  hydroponics,  sorry.

BIOENG  155  Biotechnology  and  Drug  Devel-­ opment Bored  of  weed?   Learn  how  to  make  coke.   Final  project  involves  making  a  meth  lab  out  of  a  paperclip,  two  AA  batteries,  and  an  Erlen-­ PH\HU ÀDVN

OCEA  80A  Life  in  the  Sea Under  the  sea/  Under  the  sea/  Darling  it’s  bet-­ ter/  Down  where  it’s  wetter/  Take  it  from  me  /  Up  on  the  shore  they  work  all  day/  Out  in  the  sun  they  slave  away/  While  we  devotin’  /  Full  WLPH WR ÀRDWLQœ 8QGHU WKH VHD

PHYS  25B  Fencing:  ÉpÊe Basic  instruction  in  techniquÊs,  stratÊgy,  and  gÊnÊral  mÊthodology  of  modÊrn  fÊncing.  Inclu-­ dÊs  sÊction  on  propÊr  usÊ  of  accÊnt  marks.

BIOENG  220  Protein  Bioinformatics Learn  how  to  make  killer  Muscle  Milk  shakes.

AMS  241  Bayesian  Nonparametric  Methods You  know  what,  fuck  parametric  methods.

BIO  281K  Topics  in  Plant  Evolution Have  you  ever  wondered  about  if  a  plant  like  Audrey  II  could  actually  exist?  Yeah,  I  some-­ times  wonder  about  that  too.

The Fish Rap Live! January 31, 2011

HIST  163A  A  History  of  Sin See  HIST  163B  and  HIST  163C  for  histories  of  cosine  and  tangent.

CMPS  5C  Intro  to  Programming  in  C/C++ #include  <iostream> using  namespace  std;͞ int  main  () { cout  <<  "Hello  World!";͞ return  0;͞  }

Film  Studies  80XXX  Sex  in  the  Cinema Learn  professional  techniques  for  getting  and  receiving  dome  at  the  Midnight  Movie.  MUSC  80S  Women  in  Music Just  because  both  Liz  Phair  and  Amanda  Palmer  use  the  phrase  â&#x20AC;&#x153;blow  job  queenâ&#x20AC;?  doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  mean  itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  not  sexist.

CMMU  80L  Social  Documentation Wait,  wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  Community  Studies  cut  like  two  years  ago?

AMST  199F  Fish  Rap  Live $OVR IXO¿OOV \RXU 3 ( UHTXLUHPHQW

ARE THOSE PEOPLE?

Anatomy of a Shitty Roommate

by Nicole Green They seem to grow under conditions hostile to their existence. They flourish in the depths of Craigslist and on-campus housing. They thrive on desperate living situations, poor rent control, and the alcohol that you fucking bought. They are shitty roommates, and they are everywhere. Much like how The Grudge can turn a modest upscale Japanese home into a real estate agentâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s nightmare, shitty roommates can turn your dream apartment against you. To quote the immortal Three Days Grace, â&#x20AC;&#x153;I think Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m better off alone, this house is not a home, because fucking Craig keeps leaving his muddy Chucks on the coffee table. Dude, câ&#x20AC;&#x2122;mon, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s called the â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;shared living areaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; for a reason!!â&#x20AC;?

Overheard  in  Santa  Cruz

7

Whatever happened to discreet conversation? Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got our ears on you. And youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got your mind in loud, perverted, irreverent, insightful, idiotic, and generally inappropriate gutters. Welcome to â&#x20AC;&#x153;Overheard in Santa Cruz.â&#x20AC;? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Is this real? Where do they get their sources?â&#x20AC;?

City on a Hill Press Staffer about FRL! 11/17/10

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Guy 1: â&#x20AC;&#x153;She just poked everyone so I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t poke her back. It wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t special.â&#x20AC;?

Guy 2: â&#x20AC;&#x153;You didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t poke her at all. AYYYâ&#x20AC;?

Press Center 1/28/11 â&#x20AC;&#x153;Being an Art major is as hard as being a Bio major-- instead of lab you have studio.â&#x20AC;?

Girl on the bus 1/25/11 â&#x20AC;&#x153;If I replaced my jacking off time with studying, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d be a lot better at physics.â&#x20AC;?

Physics Undergrad Lounge 11/29/10 â&#x20AC;&#x153;You canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t arrest me, I was popular in high school!â&#x20AC;?

Guy downtown 1/01/11 â&#x20AC;&#x153;Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not drunk, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m Catholic!â&#x20AC;?

Guy at party 11/22/10

Girl 1: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Eating meat is like, really unnatural when you think about it.â&#x20AC;?

Girl 2: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Yeah, I mean two centuries ago people only ate meat for Christmas.â&#x20AC;?

Two vegans on the bus 1/12/11 â&#x20AC;&#x153;I got Dave Matthews CDs, half off! And Jenkem.â&#x20AC;?

Sketchy Guy at the Metro Station 01/20/11 Girl: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Oh, wait you know, tonight is the presidentâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s State of the Union address!â&#x20AC;?

Friend: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Oh, yeah, what even is that?â&#x20AC;?

Girl: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a speech the president gives twice a year to talk about the Civil War.â&#x20AC;?

Loop Bus 01/25/11

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Freshman #1: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Ok, so, like, whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Radiohead?

Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re a band?â&#x20AC;?

Freshman #2: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Yeah, theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re Thom Yorkeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s sideproject.â&#x20AC;?

Freshman #1: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Ohhh!â&#x20AC;?

Outside Classroom Unit 1 01/24/11

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High Schoolers in MiniCoop: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Druuuuuuugs wooooooo!â&#x20AC;?

Drunk Sophomore: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m gonna put a dent in your fucking car!â&#x20AC;?

Outside of Porter Apartments 01/22/11 (looking at a Joy Division shirt) â&#x20AC;&#x153;Wow, this shirt has way too many lines on it.â&#x20AC;?

Drunk Girl in Urban Outfitters 12/03/10 â&#x20AC;&#x153;Is Harry Potter science-fiction?â&#x20AC;?

Lit Class Discussion 01/19/11 Hear something stupid? email fishraplive@gmail.com

The Fish Rap Live! January 31, 2011

No itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s just cars.

8

Torture Film of the Year: 127 Hours 7KLV LV E\ IDU WKH PRVW H[SHULPHQWDO ¿OP LQ WKH !"# IUDQFKLVH 7KLV PRYLH IHD1 WXUHV DOPRVW QR FKDUDFWHUV IURP WKH RULJLQDO VHULHV DQG KDV RQO\ RQH WUDS WKDW WDNHV XS WKH PDMRULW\ RI WKH VWRU\ &OLPEHU $URQ 5DOVWRQ VHWV RII IRU WKH 8WDK GHVHUW EXW LV OHIW IRU GHDG DIWHU KLV DUP LV FUXVKHG XQGHU D ODUJH ERXOGHU %LOO\ WKH 3XSSHW SOD\HG E\ 3KLOLS 6H\PRXU +RIIPDQ

ZKHHOV RQWR WKH VFHQH WR FULWLFL]H $URQ IRU EHLQJ D EDG SHUVRQ VKLWW\ RQH GLPHQVLRQDO FKDUDFWHU 'HVSLWH H[SHULPHQWDO WULXPSKV LW ZDV D ELW WRR GLIIHUHQW WKDQ ZKDW , ZDV XVHG WR , ORQJHG IRU WKH GD\V ZKHQ -LJVDZ WUDSSHG DQG NLOOHG SHRSOH IRU DFWLQJ OLNH XQJUDWHIXO ULFK SULFNV QD]LV RU IRU EHLQJ ZRPHQ 1RZ KH V MXVW JRLQJ DIWHU VRPH QRERG\ VKLW KHDG URFN FOLPEHU 1RW RQO\ LV LW D YDVW GHSDUWXUH IRU WKH !"# VHULHV GLUHFWRU 'DQQ\ %R\OH GLGQ W HQG WKH ¿OP ZLWK KLV WUDGHPDUN %ROO\ZRRG GDQFH QXPEHU ,Q WKH HQG WKH )UHDNV DQG *HHNV JX\ KDV WR FXW RII KLV RZQ DUP ZLWK D GXOO NQLIH :KDW D EXPPHU %HFDXVH RI LWV EUDYH ULVNV !"#$%&' LV WKH WRUWXULVW WRUWXUH SRUQ RI WKH \HDU

Best Film That Isn't Avatar: This Ainâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Avatar XXX Parody ,Q FDVH \RX ZHUH ZRQGHULQJ WKLV LV QRW -DPHV &DPHURQ V ()"*"+ 7KLV LV DQRWKHU LQVWDOOPHQW RI +XVWOHU V OLQH RI SRRU FKRLFH SRUQ SDURGLHV 7KLV PRYLH GRHV QRW XVH &DPHURQ V WKUHH GLPHQVLRQDO PRUSKLQJ WHFKQRORJ\ LQVWHDG LW FKRRVHV WR SDLQW WKH DFWRUV JHQLWDOV EOXH 7KLV PRYLH LV JURXQGHG LQ D ORQJ OLQH RI SRUQ SDURGLHV ZLWK ERULQJ XQLPDJLQDWLYH QDPHV ZKHUH FOHDUO\ PRUH DWWHQWLRQ ZDV SXW RQ JHWWLQJ IDNH 1H\WLUL H\HV GXPEDVV ELJ WKDQ WKLQNLQJ RI D SXQQ\ WLWOH 2WKHU +XVWOHU SRUQ SDURGLHV LQFOXGH ,-./$ (.0*$*-1$!.23/40/ ZKLFK LQYHQWHG WKH SDLQWLQJ SHRSOHV SULYDWHV

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Actor of the year: Jeff Bridges as "The Dude" In Tron 2 7KLV 'LVQH\ ' ¿OP IHDWXUHG -HII %ULGJHV UHSULVLQJ KLV SRSXODU UROH DV 7KH 'XGH ¿UVW FRQMHFWXUHG LQ WKH &RHQ EURWKHUV PRYLH 7KH %LJ /HE1 RZVNL ,Q WKLV SHUKDSV VHTXHO -HII %ULGJHV LV VXFNHG LQWR D ZHLUG FRPSXWHU ZRUOG ZKHUH D HYLO \RXQJHU EXIIHU DQG PRUH VREHU YHUVLRQ RI KLPVHOI UXOHV %HFDXVH WKH PDMRU SORW SRLQWV ZHUH WKURZQ WRJHWKHU DEVHQWPLQGHGO\ LW FUHDWHG DQ LPDJLQDWLYH ZRUOG ¿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¿FHQWO\ ODUJH WKDW FRPSXWHU DUWLVWV KDG WR DLUEUXVK LW RXW IHDULQJ D SDFNDJH WKDW VL]H PLJKW EH LQWLPLGDWLQJ LQ IXOO ' ,W V D UDUH DFWRU WKDW FDQ PDNH $PHULFDQV IHHO LQDGHTXDWH LQ D PRYLH DERXW URERWV VKRRWLQJ URERWV LQVLGH D FRPSXWHU

Best Actress: Chick in the Lysol Commercials That Sniffs The Garbage Can and Says "Eww" !"#$%&'$("#$()#**#+$,-$)"#$./+$,*#-$),$)"0,%$&%&'$)"#$+/0)'$),%1 HOHWWH ZDV PDJQL¿FHQW :KHQ VKH JD]HG LQWR WKH JDUEDJH DE\VV WKH DE\VV JD]HG LQWR KHU :KHQ KHU VXEWOH ZRUGV OHIW KHU OLSV DQG WKH GLVDSSRLQWHG HZZ ¿OOHG WKH URRP OLNH JDUEDJH SDUWLFOHV HQWHU1 LQJ RXU QRVHV KHU ZRUGV SXQFWXUHG RXU PLQGV OLNH D PHWDSK\VL1 FDO DZDNHQLQJ FDOOLQJ LQWR RXU GHHSHVW OHYHOV RI SHUVRQKRRG +HU KXVEDQG SOD\HG E\ 3KLOLS 6H\PRXU +RIIPDQ RIIHUHG D VPXJ ORRN RI ERWK SULYLOHJH DQG UHVHQWPHQW DV LI WR VD\ , FDQ W EHOLHYH , YH IDOOHQ WKLV IDU LQ P\ DFWLQJ FDUHHU EXW SHUKDSV DOVR RIIHULQJ WKH PRUH VLPSOLVWLF :RZ KRQH\ WKDW WUDVK LV UHDOO\ VWLQN\ ,Q D VLPSOH JD]H VKH JDYH LQVLJKW WR WKH GLVDSSHDU RI WKH KXPDQ Jean -Luc Goda FRQGLWLRQ $1' WKH VPHOOLQHVV RI WKH JDUEDJH rd dir ectin 2XU EHVW EHW DV REVHUYHUV QD\ DV PDQNLQG LV WR VSUD\ RXU g this awar HWHUQDO ZRXQGV ZLWK /HPRQ 6FHQWHG /\VRO DQG PD\ *RG KDYH d-win ning PHUF\ RQ RXU WUDVK co

The Fish Rap Live! January 31, 2011

mme rcial

Oh, it’s a shrub.

9

Best Movie For You to Claim Was Really Good: Black Swan 7KLV ÀLFN ZLOO VRRQ WDNH SUHFHGHQFH RYHU C.D-*$E6<A$&-+$,-1$F*1+0"6$ !<0/-.01$45$*-1$!34*61//$G.07 DV \RXU IDYRULWH PRYLH RQ )DFHERRN <RX OO UHDOO\ LPSUHVV WKDW JLUO LQ \RXU 3V\FKRORJ\ FODVV \RX VLW QH[W EXW FDQ QHYHU PXVWHU WKH VWUHQJWK WR WDON WR H[FHSW IRU ZKHQ \RX SLFNHG XS KHU SHQFLO DQG VKH VDLG WKDQNV

ZKHQ \RX WHOO KHU KRZ PXFK \RX OLNHG WKLV PRYLH <RX FDQ WHOO KHU KRZ \RX WKRXJKW WKH OHVELDQ VH[ VFHQH ZDV WDVWHIXOO\ GRQH DQG KRZ \RX DSSUHFLDWHG WKH DUWLVWLF GHSLFWLRQ RI WKH IHPDOH IRUP <RX FDQ HYHQ ZULWH WKDW DUWLVWLF GHSLFWLRQ OLQH RQ \RXU KDQG VR \RX ZRQ W IRUJHW LW <RX FDQ HYHQ WHOO KHU KRZ \RX WKRXJKW 1DWDOLH 3RUWPDQ DQG 0LOD .XQLV ZHUH JUHDW IUHQHPLHV DQG 1DWDOLH KDG D WRWDO %) ZKHQ VKH VWDEEHG :LQRQD LQ WKH IDFH ,W OO PDNH LW VHHP OLNH ¿OPV DUH \RXU KREE\ UDWKHU WKDQ \RXU FXUUHQW KREE\ RI PHWLFXORXVO\ XSGDW1 LQJ \RXU )DFHERRN LQWHUHVWV WR DSSHDVH ZRPHQ \RX VWDQG QR FKDQFH Natalie Portman reportedly lost 20 lbs preZLWK -XVW VWD\ FDXWLRXV LI \RX WHOO KHU \RXU IDYRULWH VFHQH ZDV 1DWDOLH paring for her role of “Mrs. Black Swan” 3RUWPDQ SOD\LQJ WKH 1LQWHQGR ZLWK D OLWWOH NLG IURP KHU WUDLOHU SDUN ZLWK D FORVH VHFRQG EHLQJ WKH YLROHQW EDUEHG ZLUH EUDZO EHWZHHQ 1DWDOLH DQG WKH 1HFUR %XWFKHU \RX UH D OLWWOH GDIW RQ ZKDW $URQRIVN\ PRYLH \RX VDZ

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Best Film Depiction of UCSC Academia: Easy A (PPD 6WRQH VHHQ KHUH KROGLQJ D QRWHFDUG VKH VXUHO\ VWROH IURP WKH RI¿FHV RI D VDWLULFDO VWXGHQW UXQ QHZVSDSHU DGPL1 UDEO\ SRUWUD\V D 8&6& VWXGHQW WUHPXORXVO\ WXPEOLQJ WKURXJK KHU DFDGHPLF FDUHHU 6KH ¿QGV KHU PDMRU WR EH ¿OOHG ZLWK VLPSOH FRXUVHV ZLWK ORZ VWDQGDUGV DV WKH PRYLH WLWOH V HDV\ $ LPSOLHV $IWHU ¿QGLQJ FRXUDJH WR URZ WKURXJK WKH DGXOW V VZLP RI DFDGHPLF PHGLRFULW\ KHU PDMRU LV VXVSHQGHG E\ WKH HYLO YLOODLQ 0DUN <XGRI SOD\HG E\ 3KLOOLS 6H\PRXU +RIIPDQ 7KH ¿OP ¿QLVKHV ZLWK D VFHQH RI (PPD V VHOI LPPRODWLRQ LQ IURQW RI WKH &ROOHJH 1LQH 7HQ GLQLQJ KDOO $ WUXH PDVWHUSLHFH RI PRGHUQ FLQHPD

Most Medically Accurate Film of the Year: The Human Centipede -XVW OLVWHQ WR DQ\ LQWHUYLHZ ZLWK WKH GLUHFWRU 6WUDLJKW WDON H[SUHVV WKLV ¿OP LV PHGLFDOO\ DFFXUDWH 'XWFK GLUHFWRU 7RP 6L[ EULOOLDQWO\ UHVHDUFKHG EL]DUUH VXUJHU\ SURFHGXUHV DQG KXQGUHGV RI KRXUV RI *HUPDQ VFDW SRUQ WR FRQVWUXFW WKH PRVW PHGLFDOO\ DFFXUDWH ¿OP RI WKH \HDU +H EROGO\ DQVZHUV WKH TXHVWLRQV WKDW KDYH SODJXHG WKH PHGLFDO FRPPXQLW\ DV IDU EDFN DV ZKHQ +LSSRFUDWHV WRRN IDPRXV RDWK :KDW KDSSHQV LI \RX VHZ D SHUVRQ V PRXWK WR DQRWKHU SHUVRQ V EXWWKROH" )XUWKHUPRUH ZKDW KDSSHQV LI \RX VHZ WKDW SHUVRQ V EXWWKROH WR DQRWKHU SHUVRQ V PRXWK WKXV FUHDWLQJ D WKHRUHWLFDO VFDWRORJLFDO FKRR FKRR WUDLQ" $ SRR SRR WUDLQ LI \RX ZLOO :KLOH WKLV ¿OP LV FHUWL¿HG PHGLFDOO\ DFFXUDWH LW V QRW VHPDQWLFDOO\ DFFXUDWH 3UH¿[ &HQWL PHDQV SHGH PHDQV IHHW DSSHQGDJHV 7KLV WULSDUWLWH DVV WR PRXWK PRQVWURVLW\ KDV DSSHQGDJHV QRW 6RUU\ \RX VNHWFK\ IXFN DW EHVW \RX YH FUHDWHG D KXPDQ GXRGHFXSOHSHGH

The Fish Rap Live! January 31, 2011

Get low and look.

10

Being Ugly Makes Me Approachable

POINT/COUNTERPOINT

by James Shea

Us Pretty Girls Got It Hard

by Bonnie Bell

Us  ugly  folk  have  it  easy.

Sure,  in  our  looks-­obsessed  culture,  many  are  led  to  believe  that  if  you're  less  pretty,  you're  less  valuable.  But  being  worth-­ OHVV KDV LW V EHQH¿WV 1RERG\ H[SHFWV DQ\WKLQJ IURP \RX DQG \RX don't  have  to  do  anything  for  anyone.  Slacking  off  is  always  an  RSWLRQ VLQFH GRLQJ DQ\WKLQJ DW DOO PHDQV \RX H[FHHG SHRSOH V H[SHFWDWLRQV (YHU\WKLQJ \RX VD\ VHHPV IXQQLHU VPDUWHU RU PRUH LQVLJKWIXO EHFDXVH SHRSOH GRQ W H[SHFW \RX WR DFWXDOO\ have  anything  of  value  to  say.  You  can  really  half-­ass  any  ar-­ tistic  endeavor,  because  the  fact  that  an  ugly  person  is  actu-­ DOO\ FDSDEOH RI H[SUHVVLQJ WKHPVHOYHV LV D PLQG EORZLQJ IHDW in  itself.  Why  do  you  think  Susan  Boyle  is  popular?  Because  QRERG\ ZRXOG IXFNLQJ H[SHFW DQ XJO\ JLPSHG IDFH KDJ WR VLQJ in  key.  When  you're  ugly  you  can  dance  like  nobody's  watching,  because  nobody  is  watching,  because  who  the  hell  likes  watching  ugly  people  do  anything  more  advanced  than  the  Charleston?

6LQFH , P XJO\ SHRSOH ¿QG PH UHDOO\ DSSURDFKDEOH 7KLV LV EH-­ cause  they  know  I  won't  judge  them;͞  as  an  ugly  person,  I  don't  have  that  right.  People  always  assume  that  the  uglier  you  are,  the  more  WUXVWZRUWK\ \RX DUH 7KH\ UH PRUH ZLOOLQJ WR WHOO \RX DOO WKHLU VHFUHWV because  who  are  you  going  to  tell?  Ugly  people  don't  have  friends.  Sure,  you  might  not  get  invited  out  as  much-­-­  nothing  ruins  a  party  as  much  as  an  ugly  person  walking  in-­-­  but  when  Becky  tells  you  all  about  how  she  vomited  all  over  Jenny's  boyfriend's  dick,  and  makes  you  promise  not  to  tell,  it's  like  you  were  there.

Having  a  serious  case  of  bedhead,  messing  up  your  make-­ XS RU ZHDULQJ D UHDOO\ XQĂ&#x20AC;DWWHULQJ VWULSHG ORQJ VOHHYHG shirt  that  just  ends  up  highlighting  your  unfortu-­ nate  paunch-­-­  these  don't  ruin  your  day  like  they  do  for  beautiful  people.  If  anything,  you'll  get  a  few  compli-­ ments  for  the  "really  unique  style  you've  got  going  on."  Living  your  life  as  an  ugly  person  means  you  can  live  for  yourself,  you're  accountable  to  no  man,  you  can  just  squeak  on  by  on  the  faintest  elements  of  talent,  personality,  or  con-­ sciousness.

Being  ugly  is  pretty  sweet.

Life  can  be  a  living  hell  when  everyone  thinks  you  have  LW HDV\ :KHQ \RX UH DWWUDFWLYH OLNH PH RWKHU SHRSOH H[SHFW that  everything  in  your  life  is  handed  to  you;Íž  but  there's  PRUH WR OLIH WKDQ DQ DSSHDUDQFH RI HDVH VH[LQHVV DQG Ă&#x20AC;XLGLW\ ZLWK HYHU\WKLQJ , GR , P EOHVVHG with  proportionate  facial  and  bodily  features,  but  I  didn't  come  out  of  the  womb  with  my  KDLU VWUDLJKWHQHG RU VPHOOLQJ OLNH WKH H[SHQ-­ sive  body  wash  that  adds  30  minutes  to  my  VKRZHU WLPH 7KH LQQDWH QDWXUDO VZDJ WKDW pretty  people  appear  to  have  is  the  actu-­ ally  the  result  of  hard  work  and  persever-­ ance,  thank  you  very  much.

You  probably  think  I  got  a  job  at  American  Apparel  just  because  I'm  pretty,  but  I  bust  my  ass  pushing  hoodies  and  deep  v-­ neck  tees  like  a  crack  dealer  on  Black  Friday.  And  do  you  know  how  hard  it  is  to  get  a  date  when  everyoneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  intimidated  by  you?  Maybe  sometimes  I  just  want  to  go  out  with  someone  who  thinks  I  brought  up  a  really  good  point  in  todayâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  section  and  he  wants  to  talk  about  it  some  more  over  Pericos.

6XUH WKH SHUNV RI D VH[\ OLIH DUH ZRUWK keeping,  but  sometimes  a  girl  just  wants  to  kick  back  and  let  her  hair  down.  But  I  canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t.  Do  you  know  what  would  happen  if  I  showed  up  to  class  in  sweatpants,  a  ponytail  and  the  oversize  Fruit-­ RI WKH /RRP WDQN WRS , ZHDU WR EHG" 7KH KLJK VWDQGDUGV I  set  by  looking  good  means  that  to  stop  maintaining  my  appearance  would  be  social  suicide.

And  for  all  these  perks,  what  do  us  pretty  people  JHW" ³%HDXW\ LV RQO\ VNLQ GHHS"´ 7KDW VKLW stings.  Instead  of  this  beautiful  person  I  am  on  the  surface,  I  wish  people  could  see  me  for  the  average-­looking  girl  I  am  on  the  inside.  Being  pretty  sucks.

by Emmy Ballard

Oh  my  god,  everything  is  50%  off  today!

The Fish Rap Live! January 31, 2011

-HII\ DWH D SLOO WKDW IHOO RQ WKH Ă&#x20AC;RRU

This  looks  like  something  I  want  to  be  involved  with!

You gotta get down low and look so you can see past the fog.

11

The FRL! Survival Guide to a Post-Internet World

The protests in Egypt have brought to public consciousness a terrifying political reality: that access to our precious, precious Twitter feeds and Netflix Instant plays of Law & Order is a mere one revolutionary upheaval away from being interrupted. And when the terrifying militarized dystopia of the not-too-distant future is finally implemented (thanks Obamacare), we’re all going to have to make due in a world where we can’t spend thirty minutes a day looking at pictures of cats saying people things. Here’s a preview of how we can spend our final days.

Vandalizing Wikipedia

Instant messaging

Tagging your friends

Flamewars

Checking your news feed

Lolcats

‘Poke’

Trolling

Torrenting

by Solomon Wong

The Fish Rap Live! January 31, 2011

I SWEAR THAT SHRUB IS MOVING!

12

Fish Rap Reviews the Finer Things in Life: Pacific Avenue’s Taco Bell

by Gregory Ronquillo

Fish Rap loves three things in the world: booze, TLC (the ‘90s girl pop band not The Learning Channel), and food. Usually all within the same hour. So when we’re not blacking out or chasing waterfalls, we like to seek out the dankest in cheap eats. In a world where “special seasoning” can be just another name for foodborne illnesses, In the Mood for Food, Dude? is there to weigh whether a meal is good enough to be worth tasting twice. ,W EHFRPHV FOHDU WR DQ\ ORQJ WLPH FLW\ GZHOOHU RI D ERXUJHRQ-­ LQJ PHWURSROLV WKDW WKH QHLJKERUKRRG MXVW DLQW ZKDW LW XVHG WR EH 7KH RPLQRXV ZDYHV RI JHQWUL¿FDWLRQ DQG WKH UHYROYLQJ GRRU RI ZLGH H\HG FROOHJLDWHV ZLWK XQLTXH ERKHPLDQ WHQGHQFLHV WKDW WKH 8QLYHUVLW\ RI &DOLIRUQLD 6DQWD &UX] IDFWRU\ VR PDMHVWLFDOO\ FKXUQ RXW KDYH ZDVKHG DZD\ WKH HVVHQFH RI WKLV ORQHO\ WRZQ XSRQ WKH FRDVW :KLOH QHZ JUDGV RSHQ WUHQG\ FRIIHH VKRSV DQG -RKQQ\ FRPH ODWHO\V IURP RYHU WKH KLOO WU\ WR FDSLWDOL]H RQ KXQJU\ WRXU-­ LVWV ZLWK GHHS SRFNHWV WKLV IRRG FULWLF LV UHPLQGHG RI D VLPSOHU WLPH ZKHQ 6DQWD &UX] UHVWDXUDQWV ZHUHQ W D FDXVWLF VHD RI VSLF\ YHJDQ JOLW] DQG H[SHQVLYH VDQGZLFK JODPRXU 6R P\ KHDUW ZDV ZDUPHG ZKHQ , VDZ , DV UHYLHZLQJ D 6DQWD &UX] VWDSOH DV HVVHQ-­ WLDO DV WKH UHGZRRGV DQG DV QDWLYH DV NQLIH FULPH , VWRRG EHIRUH WKH FRXQWHU RI 3DFL¿F $YHQXH V 7DFR %HOO SURXG WR SDWURQL]H WKLV 6DQWD &UX] LFRQ DQG SODFHG P\ RUGHU , RUGHUHG D )LYH /D\HU %HHI EXUULWR DQG 1DFKR %HOO *UDQGH VWHHULQJ FOHDU RI WKHLU ZLGH VHOHFWLRQ RI WDFRV GXH WR D VSUDLQ LQ P\ QHFN 8QOLNH PRVW DXWKHQWLF 0H[LFDQ UHVWDXUDQWV OLNH 5X-­ ELR¶V &KLSRWOH RU %DMD )UHVK 7DFR %HOO LQJHQLRXVO\ FRQFHSWXDO-­

L]HV PRVW RI WKHLU PHQX LQ OD\HUV EULQJLQJ FXHV IURP HODERUDWH ,WDOLDQ GLVKHV OD\HUHG FDNHV DQG ZRPHQ¶V KDLUFXWV LQ WKH

V :KHQ , ELW LQ WR P\ EXUULWR LW ZDV D SHUIHFW PpODQJH RI SUH-­ SDFNDJHG LQJUHGLHQWV WKDW VHUHQDGHG P\ SDOHWWHV OLNH D FRRLQJ SLJHRQ RQ D %RDUGZDON WHOHSKRQH OLQH 7DFR %HOO V )LYH /D\HU EXUULWR EHJLQV ZLWK WKH WDVWLHVW JURXQG EHHI WKLV VLGH RI WKH 5LR *UDQGH DQG FRPELQHV LW ZLWK WKH VRXUHVW RI VRXU FUHDP WRSSLQJ LW RII ZLWK WRPDWRHV IUHVKO\ SLFNHG E\ WKH ORQHOLHVW RI VODYHV 7KH ÀDYRU SRWSRXUUL GDQFHG RQ P\ WRQJXH OLNH D EDOOHULQD ZKR KDG DOVR FRLQFLGHQWDOO\ LQJHVWHG D 7DFR %HOO )LYH /D\HU EXUULWR $IWHU ¿QLVKLQJ WKH ODVW ELWH IURP WKH ¿YH OD\HU EXUULWR , PRYHG RQ WR WKH 1DFKR %HOO *UDQGH RQO\ WR ¿QG LW HTXDOO\ VDWLVI\LQJ :KHQ , ¿QLVKHG UDYDJLQJ P\ PHDO , ZHQW WR WKH FDVKLHU WR RUGHU DQRWKHU URXQG RI EXUULWRV IRU WRPRUURZ V EUHDNIDVW , DOVR wanted to offer their brilliant chefs my sincerest appreciation. I ORRNHG P\ VHUYHU GHDG LQ KLV DGROHVFHQW DFQH ULGGHQ IDFH DQG VDLG *UDFLDV PL DPLJR« JUDFLDV IRU WRGR 7KLV PHDO ZDV H[TXLVLWH 7DFR EHOO \RX YH GRQH LW DJDLQ $

7KH PRVW SHFXOLDU WKLQJ KDSSHQHG ZKLOH , OHIW WKH 3DFL¿F $YHQXH 7DFR %HOO , ZDV PHW IDFH WR IDFH ZLWK DQRWKHU 6DQWD &UX] WUDGLWLRQ D ERWFKHG GUXJ GHDO $IWHU LQIRUPLQJ P\ LQHEULDWHG DGYHUVDU\ WKDW , ZDV QRW µ5DEELW ¶ KH GHFLGHG WR VWDE PH WZLFH LQ WKH NLGQH\ UHJLRQ DQG WDNH RII ZLWK P\ EXUULWRV :KLOH , DSSUHFLDWHG WKLV DSSHDO WR WUDGLWLRQ , ZDV QRW LPSUHVVHG ZLWK KLV WHFKQLTXH RU SHUIRUPDQFH )UDQNO\ SXW KH VWDEEHG PH OLNH D NRRN IURP RYHU WKH KLOO RU D 8&6& IUHVKPDQ ZLWK UXGLPHQWDU\ NQLIH KROGLQJ DELOLWLHV 1HHGOHVV WR VD\ ,¶YH EHHQ stabbed by better. &

A Fantastic Voyage into the Heart of Darkness by ( o Y o ) I was sitting at home with my boyfriend one night when my phone rang. It was my gastroenterologist. He told me he wanted me to have a colonoscopy and endoscopy two days from then to ¿QG RXW ZK\ , FRQVWDQWO\ IHHO OLNH DQ $OLHQ LV DERXW WR EXUVW RXW RI P\ DEGRPHQ DQG HQG KXPDQLW\ )RU WKRVH RI \RX ZKR GRQ W NQRZ ZKDW D FRORQRVFRS\ LV LW V D PHGLFDO SURFHGXUH XVXDOO\ SHUIRUPHG RQ SHRSOH DQG ROGHU ZKHUH WKH\ VWLFN D ELJ ORQJ FDPHUD XS \RXU DVV WR ORRN IRU FDQFHU JHUELOV 1DUQLD RU VRPH EXOOVKLW $Q HQGRVFRS\ LV NLQG RI WKH RSSRVLWH WKH\ GHHS WKURDW D FDPHUD LQWR \RX DQG ORRN DURXQG LQVLGH \RXU VWRPDFK IRU XOFHUV DQG WKDW GLPH \RX VZDOORZHG ZKHQ \RX ZHUH ¿YH 7KH\ GRQ W GR WKHP DW WKH VDPH WLPH EXW LI WKH\ GLG \RX ZRXOG ORRN VRPH-­ WKLQJ OLNH D SLJ EHLQJ URDVWHG , ZDV GHWHUPLQHG WR JHW SDVW WKHVH SUREOHPV VR WKDW , FRXOG UHVXPH WKH WUDGLWLRQDO HDWLQJ DQG GULQN-­ LQJ KDELWV RI P\ IHOORZ $PHULFDQV DQG RXU ZRQGURXV JUHDV\ 0F)RRGV , SLFNHG WKLV SDUWLFXODU GRFWRU DW UDQGRP RII D OLVW EXW , NQHZ HDUO\ RQ WKDW WKLV JX\ KDG D JRRG YLEH DERXW KLP )RU RQH KLV QDPH LV SURQRXQFHG ³0DJLF ´ ³'U 0DJLF ´ 3DJLQJ 'U *RDWVH 2N ZHOO WKDW V MXVW D QDPH ZKDW DERXW KLV FUHGHQWLDOV" 7KH\ VLW PH GRZQ LQ KLV RI¿FH WR ZDLW DQG WKH ¿UVW FUHGHQWLDO , UHDG RQ WKH ZDOO LV IURP 'DPQ WKLV JX\ V ROG %XW LI WKHUH V DQ\RQH ZKR , FDQ IHHO FRPIRUWDEOH WDONLQJ DERXW SRRS ZLWK LW V JRQQD EH DQ ROG PDQ 2OG PHQ MXVW FDQ W JHW HQRXJK RI WDONLQJ DERXW ERZHO PRYHPHQWV VR WKLV VKRXOG EH XS P\ DOOH\ %HVLGHV EHLQJ DQFLHQW WKLV FHUWL¿FDWH LV IRU DLU FRQGLWLRQLQJ LQVWDOODWLRQ $P , LQ WKH ULJKW RI¿FH" 2K ZDLW WKHUH V DOVR D PHGLFDO FUHGHQWLDO WKHUH WRR EXW KH ERWKHUHG WR VWLOO NHHS WKDW ROG $ & FHUWL¿FDWH XS RQ WKH ZDOO" 7KDW V DZHVRPH RQ VR PDQ\ OHYHOV 7KHQ , ORRN DW WKH GLVSOD\ FDELQHW IXOO RI YLQWDJH VWRPDFK DLO-­ PHQW FXUHV DQG WR\V 7KHUH V DOVR D JDJ SURGXFW RI FRUNV GHVLJQHG WR VWLFN XS \RXU FRUQ KROH WR VWRS WKH UXQV %XW WKH KDOOPDUN RI WKH LWHPV LQ KLV RI¿FH LV Everybody Poops, WKH FODVVLF FKLOGUHQ V ERRN , IHHO VDIH QRZ , WUXVW KLV H[SHULHQFH WR WDNH FDUH RI PH

The Fish Rap Live! January 31, 2011

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I SWEAR ITâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S GOTTEN CLOSER

13

This Week:

Bingo Night, Clouds & Panda Express The Fish Rap Live! Dive Team is a group of individuals dedicated to truthfully reviewing local establishments, commonly referred to as â&#x20AC;&#x153;Dive Bars.â&#x20AC;? Interested in becoming a member of this heralded UCSC tradition? Email fishraplive@gmail.com.

Whilst  driving  behind  the  Science  Hill  taco  truck  to  see  where  it  parks  at  night,  the  dive  team  saw  the  sign.  A  giant  sign  on  the  lawn  of  the  church  on  High  Street  informed  me  of  the  magic  that  is  â&#x20AC;&#x153;Youth  Bingo  Night.â&#x20AC;?  All  we  could  think  was  how  much  repressed  lovinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;  weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  about  to  get  from  these  churchgo-­ ers.  Together,  we  showered,  put  on  our  breakaway  clothing,  and  headed  over  to  church.

After  a  few  lightening  bolts  and  my  car  melting,  the  FRL  'LYH 7HDP ÂżQDOO\ DUULYHG 8SRQ ZDONLQJ LQ ZH UHDOL]HG WKDW ZH were  mad  being  fucked  with.  Youth  my  ass!  There  were  Titanic  survivors  all  over  the  place.  Whatever,  we  didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  care,  we  had  just  downed  the  new  and  de-­improved  Four  Lokos  Watermelon.  We  werenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  drunk  but  we  were  pretty  drunk.  The  whole  point  of  this  youth  group  was  to  pair  youth  with  old  people  to  remind  them  to  take  their  next  breath.  The  emcee,  priestess,  madam,  registered  sex  offender,  obvi  lesbi  DL  lady  offered  the  group  some  cookies  and  juice,  AKA  drunkchies  and  chaser!  Not  going  to  lie,  we  started  sweating.  We  KDG MXVW DERXW QRZ UHDOL]HG WKDW LW ZDV D EDG LGHD WR ZDON LQWR D FKXUFK JURXS GUXQN ZLWKRXW UHFHLYLQJ RXU ÂżUVW FRPPXQLRQ :H went  to  the  car  and  took  a  couple  of  shots,  knowing  that  it  was  a  sin  to  chase  with  the  church  OJ.  So  upon  repenetration  into  the  church  they  began  to  distrib-­ ute  the  bingo  cards  and  big  stamp  markers.  After  giving  each  other  green  nipples  with  the  markers  on  my  white  shirt,  we  were  introduced  to  a  woman  named  Amelie,  not  Emily.  Ho  corrected  me  3  times.  From  this  point  on  FRL  was  fairly  blacked  out  soâ&#x20AC;Ś  The  lady  started  calling  out  numbers,  and  to  traditional  Simp-­ sons  standards  we  all  yelled  â&#x20AC;&#x153;you  sunk  my  battleshipâ&#x20AC;?  after  ev-­ ery  number  was  called.  How  insensitive  of  us,  these  people  were  probably  on  the  Titanic.  The  night  slowly,  slowly  progressed  and Â

the  chances  of  anyone  getting  some  was  diminishing.  We  bailed  and  said  that  together,  we  were  going  to  the  lavatory  and  was  out  of  their  like  a  bat  out  of  church.  Living  near  downtown  we  thought  that  this  night  go  to  waste,  the  bars  may  still  be  open,  I  mean  it  is  8  p.m.!  We  rarely  ever  go  downtown  on  weekends  because  riffraff  pisses  us  off.  We  arrived  downtown  and  passed  a  gnarly  looking  limo.  The  limo  stopped  in  front  of  Rosieâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  and  nine  region-­ ally  dressed  (not  our  region),  ainâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  nothing  but  a  hoochie  mamas  came  out  of  the  limo.  7KH ÂżUVW ZRPDQ FDPH RXW RI WKH OLPR DQG H[-­ claimed  that  she  had  been  holding  her  in  pee  in  the  limo  for  over  an  hourâ&#x20AC;Ś  Wait,  let  us  get  this  shit  straight,  not  only  did  you  max  out  your  .DUGDVKLDQ .DUG DW )RUHYHU VL]H WR JHW D KXVV\ RXWÂżW EXW \RX GURYH DQ KRXU RQO\ WR DUULYH DW '76&" 6DQWD &UX]" " :H OLYH WZR EORFNV DZD\ DQG GRQÂśW VHH the  inspiration  to  lift  an  ass  cheek  to  drink  downtown  on  weekends.  So  we  went  to  the  only  place  we  love  downtown,  &ORXGV %HIRUH ZH NQHZ LW LW ZDV 2QH RI XV got  a  call  to  meet  friends  at  the  Red  Room  so  we  VWXPEOHG RYHU DQG UHDOL]HG WKDW WKHUH ZDV D OLQH WKDW snaked  from  the  entrance,  down  the  stairs  and  out  the  GRRU %XW ZKR GR ZH VHH VKLYHULQJ SDWLHQWO\" 7KH nine  scarlet  letter  baring  gypsies.  While  in  the  queue  for  the  â&#x20AC;&#x153;clubâ&#x20AC;?  they  started  singing  a  song  about  VRXWK VFDULQJ WKH 8&6& JLUOV WU\LQJ WR pass  the  fake  IDs  they  probably  bought  in  Thousand  Oaks.  Pissed  off  by  the  ig-­

'HDU )UHVKPHQ Now  that  you've  survived  a  quarter  at  8&6& \RX YH SUREDEO\ UHDOL]HG WKDW SDUWLHV KDSSHQ VR puke  happens  -­  a  lot.  Hereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  how  to  puke  like  a  pro.

3UH *DPH (DW *RJXUW $OO NLQGV DOO FRORUV 7KH brighter  the  colors,  the  better.  Also  try  some  rice  -­-­  with  this  small  addition,  you  can  create  a  trail  of  slime  covered  fruity  pebbles.  If  you  don't  have  any  Gogurt  on  hand,  the  dining  halls  always  pro-­ vide  something  of  an  odd  color  or  texture,  too.  (I'm  looking  at  you,  DYRFDGR Ă&#x20AC;DYRUHG VRIW VHUYH (DW DV PXFK RI ZKDWHYHU \RX FDQ SRVVLEO\ ÂżW LQWR \RXU PRXWK 2QFH GUXQN RII \RXU DVV 6WDUW YRPLWLQJ VSRQWDQHRXVO\ 'RQ W VWRS ,I \RXU FKXQNV DUH SURMHFWLOH the  deeper  angle  you  get,  the  better.  It  creates  more  of  a  fantastic  spectacle,  especially  if  you  ate  the  FRORUHG \RJXUW \RX UH D YRPLW UDLQERZ %HDXWLIXO &RQWLQXH WR HUXSW HYROYH LQWR D YRPLW YROFDQR OHW \RXU UHJXJLWDWHG UDLQERZ PXVK UDLQ ÂżUH RQ WKH DZDLWLQJ 3RPSHLL 7RVV \R FRRNLHV WRVV HP over  everything,  everywhere.  Take  special  interest  in  the  furniture,  especially,  because  the  smell  will  seep  into  the  fabric,  causing  its  owners  to  remember  you  and  your  vomit  time  and  time  again.  They'll  never  forget  you.  If  you're  feeling  creative,  spewing  a  smiley  face,  heart,  or  any  shape  of  your  choice  on  the  window  might  be  a  nice  touch.  By  this  time,  all  eyes  will  be  on  you.  Don't  let  them  make  you  nervous.  You  are  a  champion,  a  performer,  and  this  is  your  show.  They  are  staring  EHFDXVH WKH\ DUH PHVPHUL]HG E\ \RXU VNLOO %RQXV SRLQWV LI \RX PDQDJH WR SXNH RQ RQH RI WKHP Friends  love  to  be  vomited  upon  -­-­  the  two  of  you  will  be  even  closer  in  the  morning.  They  might  even  start  vomiting.  If  they  do,  make  sure  to  grab  them  and  position  them  so  you're  back  to  back.  Tilt  your  head  a  bit  to  get  that  deep  angle  that  allows  vomit  to  be  so  round.  First  you  were  a  vomit  rainbow,  and  now,  with  the  addition  of  your  friend,  you're  a  heart  of  hurl!  It's  been  said,  by  a  very Â

QRUDQFH ZH GHFLGHG WR JR EDFN WR WR &ORXGV REYLRXVO\ forgetting  how  early  they  close  up  shop.  We  werenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  mad  -­-­  we  donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  need  hoodlums  slutting  up  and  class-­ ing  down  the  best  local  drinkery.

So  fuck  it,  FRL  doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  do  downtown  on  week-­ ends.  Instead  we  decided  to  camp  out  in  front  of  the  Panda  Express  that  was  opening  the  next  morning.  It  was  intereesting  to  see  what  people  without  families  do  the  day  after  Thanksgiving.  We  slept  in  Samerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  FDU DQG ZH ZHUH WKH ÂżUVW SHUVRQ WR HQ-­ ter  the  sweet  (and  sour,  sometimes  spicy)  YLUJLQ WHUULWRU\ 0D\ , MXVW VD\ %2888-­ GIIIEEEEE.  So  fancy  this  place  is!  Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  GLWFKHG WKH WUDGLWLRQDO &KLQHVH VTXDUH VHUYLQJ platters,  and  now  have  the  traditional  American  Wok  platters.  Our  biggest  fear  was  this  Panda  being  stingy  with  their  portions,  and  their  orange  chick-­ en  being  too  soft.  None  of  that   manifested,  since  this  Panda  Express  rocks.  With  this  new  crowning  achievement  on  Mission  St..,  those  wet-­fart  shop  lo-­ FDOO\ SULFNV ORVH 3XW GRZQ WKDW YHJDQ SLQLQL SXOO XS \RXU $PHULFDQ Ă&#x20AC;DJ =XED] SDQWV OHW \RXU EHVW 6WRQH &ROG ÂłKHOO \HDK´ DQG YLVLW WKH WKUHH 7DFR %HOOV WKH WZR 0F'RQDOGV %XUJHU .LQJ 6XEZD\ 4XL]QRV -DFN LQ WKH %R[ DQG QRZ WKH VKLQ\ QHZ 3DQGD ([SUHVV &RQ-­ JUDWXODWLRQV 6DQWD &UX] ZHÂśUH RQH VWHS FORVHU WRZDUGV humanity!

wise  old  man,  that  friends  who  puke  together,  stay  together.  So,  after  choosing  your  best  friend  for  life  and  the  rest  of  ever,  fall  down,  WR DOO IRXUV DQG Ă&#x20AC;LS \RXU KDLU ZKLOVW FRQWLQXLQJ WR YRPLW &UDZO OHDYLQJ D WUDLO behind  you,  toward  the  restroom.  When  you  arrive,  give  the  toilet  a  hug.  Toilets  are  lonely,  they  need  love  too!  Then  puke  on  it.  On  the  toilet,  not  in  it,  mind  you.  Someone  might  be  lucky  enough  to  discover  your  present  later!  How  sweet!  If  you  are  still  feeling  ner-­ vous,  or  a  hint  of  stage  fright  is  creepin'  on  your  soul,  now  is  a  good  time  to  talk  to  the  toilet  -­-­  it  is  the  only  one  that  understands  how  you're  feeling.  Let  all  your  stress  go,  cry  into  its  arms  if  you  need  to,  a  toilet  is  always  there.  After  recovering  -­-­  if  needed,  that  is,  you  might  just  be  the  best  damned  puker  on  the  planet  -­  wipe  any  excess  off  your  face.  Good  job  and  well  done,  you  mighty  pukester,  you! ([LWLQJ 6WDJH /HIW RU 5LJKW DIWHU ÂżQLVKLQJ XS EULQJ \RXUVHOI WR \RXU IHHW DQG SUHSDUH IRU WKH JUDQG ÂżQDOH 6SULQW DV IDVW DV KXPDQO\ SRVVLEOH ZKLFK VKRXOG EH TXLWH IDVW DW WKLV SRLQW WRZDUG WKH H[LW ,I \RX UH DQ DGYDQFHG GUXQNDUG IDOOLQJ WULSSLQJ DQG UXQQLQJ LQWR ZDOOV LV UHFRPPHQGHG for  additional  artistic  effect.  Once  at  the  door,  swing  it  open  with  all  your  might.  Expel  yourself  WKURXJK LW YRPLW \RXUVHOI WKURXJK WKDW GRRU EHFDXVH WRQLJKW \RX KDYH DFKLHYHG YLFWRU\ &RQWLQXH on  your  path  to  the  bus  stop  (drunk  driving  is  bad,  you  asshole!),  leaving  sparatic  trail  of  regurgitate  DORQJ WKH ZD\ 'RQ W PDNH WKHP HYHQ \RX GRQ W ZDQW DQ\ &62V RQ \RXU DVV RU WKLQNLQJ WKDW all  that  vomit  came  from  one  motherfuckin'  pukin'  champion.  Once  the  bus  arrives,  make  your  way  WR WKH EDFN ZKHUH WKH URZ RI ÂżYH VHDWV DUH DQG EULQJ XS D VPDOO PRXQWDLQ XSRQ WKH FHQWHU RQH 3URFHHG WR QRW JLYH D IXFN DQG VLW XSRQ \RXU WKURQH *D]H XSRQ \RXU VXEMHFWV QRWH WKHLU P\VWLÂżHG faces.  Finally  get  to  wherever  the  hell  you  live,  stumble  indoors,  and  take  your  pants  off.  (You  just  VDW LQ YRPLW IRU D EXV ULGH UHPHPEHU" 1R" *RRG 7KHQ GHDU FKDPSLRQ \RX GHVHUYH VRPH UHVW Pull  yourself  into  bed,  close  your  eyes,  and  drift  off  into  a  world  of  your  own.  You  have  done  well,  young  padawan.

The Fish Rap Live! January 31, 2011

14

Why the Fuck Are You Still Talking?: What do you think is in a Taco Bell burrito?

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Pig  hooves  and  corn  starch.â&#x20AC;?

Beasley  Allen Alabama  Law  Firm

Alright, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m gonna go up to the bush and see if itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s still a bush.

THAT ONE TIME MY VIBRATOR TURNED ON IN CLASS Hey,  all  you  modern  women  out  there:  remember  when  Cos-­ mo  told  us  to  introduce  our  boyfriends  to  our  vibrators?  Unlike  all  those  times  they  insisted  push-­up  bras  make  guys  think  you  ORRN ÂľFRQÂżGHQWÂś DQG WKDW FDOOLQJ D JX\ ÂżUVW DIWHU D GDWH LV RND\ this  was  not  such  bad  advice.  I  subsequently  came  DFURVV P\ ÂżUVW RUJDVP IURP VH[ DORQH ZLWK D OLWWOH help  from  my  cream-­of  the-­crop  JimmyJane  Form  +HÂśV D VQDSS\ OLWWOH JX\ EXW XQIRUWXQDWHO\ QRW cost-­effective  to  keep  one  at  both  Mommy  and  'DGG\ÂśV KRXVH %DE\ÂśV UDFNHG XS TXLWH D IHZ IUHTXHQW Ă&#x20AC;LHU PLOHV /DVW TXDUWHU IUHVK RII D SUH H[DP TXLFNLH I  was  grabbing  my  shit  before  speeding  up  to  campus  to  take  a  Calc  midterm.  Leave  my  po-­ rous,  germ-­susceptible  toy  on  his  dusty  night-­ VWDQG" , GRQÂśW JLYH D IXFN EXW KH KDG SODQV IRU WKH HYHQLQJ DQG D JLUOÂśV JRW QHHGV ,QWR WKH backpack  it  goes!  (Note  to  self:  leave  it  in  the  FDU QH[W WLPH \RX GXPE ELWFK

I  got  to  class  and  sat  down  between  my  friend  and  a  sea  of  fragrant,  greasy  guys  in  long-­term  relationships  with  their  right  hands.  /HWœV EH UHDO KHUH SHRSOH RQFH \RX JHW SDVW Math  23A,  the  last  required  math  class  for  the  future  nurses  in  the  Health  Science  major,  you  get  used  to  being  one  of  maybe  ten  girls  in  the  room.

I  was  in  the  middle  of  integrating  WKH DQVZHU P\KHDGKXUWV,œPJRLQJKRPH ZKHQ WKH JHQWOHPDQ to  my  right  with  the  cheeto  dust  smeared  on  his  tented  khakis  smugly  put  down  his  pencil.  In  the  span  of  slightly  less  than  my  UHDFWLRQ WLPH KH MXPSHG WRZDUGV WKH DLVOH OLNH \RX ZRXOG H[SHFW

a  white  guy  to  jump:  into  the  row  of  seats  in  front  of  me  and  RQWR P\ EDFNSDFN 7KH EHQH¿WV RI P\ EDE\œV HDV\ RQ VZLWFK not  now.

The  resulting  noise  describable  only  as  nothing  you  would  ever  mistake  for  a  cell  phone,  ever,  in  a  million  years,  HYHQ LI \RX ZHUH GHDI DQG JLYHQ D .HQWXFN\ VH[ education.  Them  old  trusty  pocket  rockets  might  SDVV EXW QRW P\ OLWWOH JX\ ,œP WDONLQJ GD GD GD da-­BZZZ-­BZZZ-­da-­da-­BZZZ. 0\ ¿UVW WKRXJKW LQ WKH IROORZLQJ KDOI VHF-­ ond  was  the  overwhelming  realization  that  the  rest  of  my  class  was  losing  their  ritalin-­aided  attention  and  turning  my  way,  row  by  row.

My  second  thought  was  that  sometime  LQ WKH QH[W KDOI VHFRQG , ZDV JRLQJ WR KDYH to  unzip  the  very  shallow  upper  pocket  my  vibe  was  stashed  in,  potentially  revealing  it  or  worse,  rolling  it  under  the  seat  of  that  guy  with  who  always  wears  the  elf  costume.

My  third  thought  was  that  to  mutter  â&#x20AC;&#x153;oh  shit  my  phone  is  ringing,  damnit  momâ&#x20AC;?  to  give  my  audience  the  chance  to  look  the  other  way.

My  fourth  was  that  I  was  going  to  make  it  RQWS VRPH VRUW RI QDWLRQDO VH[ RIIHQGHU OLVW :KR WKH IXFN EULQJV WKDW WR FODVV" ,I D Ă&#x20AC;HVKOLJKW IHOO RXW RI FKHHWR JX\ÂśV PHVVHQJHU EDJ WKHUH ZRXOG EH VRPH serious  projectile  vomiting.     I  get  the  thing  to  shut  off,  and  eventually  everyone  returns  to  their  tests,  hopeful  if  anything  that  my  frazzled  self  would  weigh  down  the  curve.  Thank  god  for  week  eight.

Related: What girls do jerk off to? â&#x20AC;&#x153;Hash  oil...  and  rainbows.â&#x20AC;?  Lindy  Edwards  Taco  Bell  Enthusiast

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Beef.  Just  like  it  says.â&#x20AC;?

Brendan  Woodruff Taco  Belliever

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Meat? Â I Â think.â&#x20AC;?

Glen  Bell  (R.I.P.) Taco  Bell  CEO

The Fish Rap Live! January 31, 2011

OH MY GOD A FOX!

Romance in the 21st is a whole new beast. No longer can you just slap on a top hat, use the word â&#x20AC;&#x153;Madam,â&#x20AC;? and hope she doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t notice your increasingly sweatier palms. As we become an increasingly scientific world, so too must our relationships fall under the meticulous, obsessive eye of science. In this new digital age, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not enough to just flirt with a girl at a party and stalk her on her way to work. To really get her heart, you gotta take that shit online. Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, Livejournal, Last.fm, Neopets, her Amazon.com Wishlist, that keylogger you installed when you helped fixed her laptop, her compromised email accounts. These are all resources you must access if you want to win her precious, digitally connected love.

The key to a good relationship is getting to know the person.

Thankfully, you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t actually have to know her to get to know her.

Long gone are the days where you have to make character guesses based on what graphic tees sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s sporting, what sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s reading, or what coffee shop youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re sitting two booths down from her in. Now you can just browse her tagged photos-- donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Likeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; anything older than 2 weeks-- and gather months, sometimes years, worth of information from the comfort of your Crown single. Once youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve assessed her for the perfect guy sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s into, check her blog sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s probably posted about dudes she likes, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re ready to begin presenting that guy: you.

Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t rush into it though; if you start commenting on everything right away, sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s going to know somethingâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s up.

You gotta play hard to get! Leave witty one-liners in places you know sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll see them; mutual friendâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s walls, blogs she follows, or burned into her front lawn. You want to create a word-of-mouth, pre-promotional situation for yourself. She should have a rough idea of how cool, funny, witty, and full of pop culture references you are before you ever even message here with a â&#x20AC;&#x153;Hey, I skipped class today, can I get your notes?â&#x20AC;?

Keep your conversations going by using the information you collected earlier-- you wrote it down, right? A simple

15

reference to her third most listened to band-- you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to go with their first artist, thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll blow your cover-- can win you a few points here and there. Leave room for improvisation-that adds excitement to a relationship-- so keep Google open in a second tab to look-up any movies, songs, or possible exs she brings up.

Take the subtle textual clues; a majority of communication is based in body language. So use as many emotes as possible! Interrogate her vague, unsure messages-- if sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s doing â&#x20AC;&#x153;great,â&#x20AC;? she might have a boyfriend, panic! If sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s doing â&#x20AC;&#x153;ok,â&#x20AC;? ask why, she might be upset, possibly because her boyfriend just broke up with her!

Once youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve establishes that she trust you, a lot, then youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re ready to take your relationship to the next level. Ask for her AOL (or MSN, if she keeps it real), so you can â&#x20AC;&#x153;hit her upâ&#x20AC;? even when sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s invisible on Facebook. Sure, you got it off her defunct Xanga account weeks ago, but you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t what her to know that. Besides, she mightâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve switched accounts, probably to get away from with some creep!

Remember though, if she seems reluctant, or rejects your request, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t try again for at least a couple days. You donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to come off as too strong-- youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re a nice guy.

So youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been talking to her for a while now. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been a shoulder to cry on. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve fixed her printer. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been a good friend. You convinced her to cut off all ties to that jerk, Jeff. Now youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re ready for the last hurdle-- talking to her in real life. Unfortunately, this is risky territory-- few men have ever survived this, but if you can successfully carry a conversation without mumbling off, overplaying your hand, or worse, revealing your own personality, then you know sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the one, and are already 95% of the way to a real relationship. Just remember-- eye contact is good, but too much and she thinks youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re a predator.

Gettinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Wet With Manatees: An all-porpoise guide to swimming with sea cows

by Lauren Tomicich

It  had  been  a  childhood  dream  of  mine.   I  used  to  hide  Endangered  Species  magazines  under  my  bed.   I  used  to  spend  hours  sitting,  fantasizing  in  front  of  the  Seaworld  Mam-­ mal  tank.   Looking  at  the  supple  curves  of  a  manatee,  my  problems  seemed  to  dwindle  away.   So  this  past  December,  after  months  of  getting  in  shape,  my  heart  and  body  were  put  to  the  test.  My  voyage  began  on  a  small  boat,  taking  me  out  to  the  motherland.   I  had  heard  )ORULGD EHDFKHV ZHUH ÂżOOHG ZLWK KRW &XEDQ JX\V DQG /DWLQD EDEHV LQ ELNLQLV EXW P\ journey  to  the  Gulf  had  bigger  things  in  mind.   I  lowered  myself  off  the  deck  of  the  little  dinghy  and  into  the  hot  spring.   The  steam  from  the  water  fogged  my  goggles  before  I  could  even  see  what  was  happening.   All  around  me  the  rounded  bodies  of  algae  HQFUXVWHG PDQDWHHV EREEHG ZLWK WKH Ă&#x20AC;RZ RI WKH VSULQJ 7KHLU VL]H DQG JUDFHIXOQHVV was  thoroughly  mystifying.

Let  me  tell  you,  you  donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  know  how  big  a  manatee  is  until  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  been  with  one.   The  manatees  showed  no  fear  of  humans  and  swam  right  up  to  me,  aching  for  a  rubdown.   At  one  point  there  were  so  many  manatees  that  the  paddles  of  their  tails  were  beating  against  me  from  all  directions.  Judging  from  the  gnarled  scars  on  their  back  and  tails,  they  had  done  some  bizarre  shit.  One  particular  manatee  approached  me  and  I  immediately  felt  an  attraction  to  it,  due  to  WKH EDUQDFOHV VFDWWHUHG DFURVV KLV EDFN 7KLV PDQDWHH VHHPHG WR Ă&#x20AC;RFN FORVHU WR PH KROGLQJ PH WLJKWO\ ZLWK KLV Ă&#x20AC;LSSHUV +H WZLUOHG PH HIIRUWOHVVO\ EHORZ WKH ZDWHU XQWLO , ZDV JDVS-­ ing  for  breath.  We  approached  the  surface  and  I  lovingly  stroked  his  back.   I  left  the  water  with  algae  under  my  nails  and  a  lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  dream  accomplished. Â

The Fish Rap Live! January 31, 2011

Taylor Long

Brad Keystone

Chad MoTricep

Biology Major

Business Major

Business Major

Freshman year is awful because the process of devolving into a shell of your former self, wiping away BOZ USBDF PG VOJRVF DIBSBDUFS UP CFUUFS mU JO BU UIF dining hall, is a long and painful process. It's a time to carefully study the cool kids and systematically abandon anything that once meant something to you so that you can earn the respect of your fellow underclassmen. In the end it's all worth it though, PO NZ TU CJSUIEBZ * XBT mOBMMZ XFMDPNFE JOUP UIF hierarchical world of Motiv downtown and puked all over the bathroom next to some girl in an American Apparel romper. Finally, I was a part of something meaningful.

You can transfer to Santa Barbara, brah! I spent most of freshman year at UCSC wondering where the epic ragers and banging sluts were that all my homies talked about during holiday weight lifting seshes back home! I was super psyched to get to college so I could party like a Sean William Scott character but I spent most of my nights playing beer pong with my super sick roommate Chad and j-ing off to any one of the posters of airbrushed girls in thongs adorning our walls! No homo! Ever since I transferred my life has been a non-stop blur of severe alcohol poisoning and self-destructive sexual habits, and I couldn't be more stoked! Theta Chi!

You can transfer to Chico, bro! I spent most of freshman year at UCSC wondering where the gnarly keggers and drunk bitches were that all my bros talked about during holiday weight lifting sashes back home! I was super amped to get to college so I could party like a Paul Walker character but I spent most of my nights playing beer pong XJUI NZ TVQFS BXFTPNF SPPNNBUF #SBE nFYJOH NZ meat wad to any one of the posters of airbrushed girls in thongs adorning our walls! No homo! Ever since I transferred my life has been a non-stop blur of severe alcohol poisoning and self-destructive sexual habits, and I couldn't be more stoked! Theta Chi!

Karen “Moonbeam” Johnson

Erica Meyers

James Shea

Environmental Studies Major

Community Studies/AMST Major

Fish Rap Major

When I was a freshman all I wanted to do was run through the majestic woods and become a forest creature like my spirit animal the lemur. My total Republican roommate said my dreads smelt like the metro station bathroom and eventually I had to move into a single. Now that I'm not in the dorms I get to live in a tree fort above college nine and sleep on a bed of my own natural scent. Freshmen at Porter and Kresge, it gets better!

It probably gets better if you are an accounting major and your department doesn't fall into the corporate abyss. Freshman year I still had hope BOE DPOmEFODF JO XIBU * XBT DIPPTJOH UP EP JO DPMlege, naively thinking that one day I could go on to make the world a better place. Now that I am about UP HSBEVBUF BOE FOUFS UIF GVMmMMJOH XPSME PG UIF GPPE service industry, I can safely tell all freshmen that it does not get better.

>OLU 0 ÄYZ[ JHTL [V [OPZ ZJOVVS 0 [OV\NO[ 0 OHK made a big mistake. This occured to me at the dining hall, when someone had a bad acid trip and puked chicken tenders all down my faded faux vintage Led Zeppelin tee. Now I am Fish Rap, and you can too!

Come to our weekly meetings, Tuesdays at 8pm, Upstairs in the ARCenter.

it gets better. inspiring freshmen at UCSC to stay strong, stay drunk, and stay in school... because it gets better.