Volume 22, Issue 5

NOT ENOUGH CHICKEN NUGGETS Controversy at College 8

an FRL! production Thursday, May 19, 2011 Vol. XXII, Issue 5 Non-cents

Pg. 6

Answers to Your Midterm Pg. 17

9th Annual Scavenger Hunt Pg. 16

Freshman Says Stupid Thing Pg. 7

SHIT TO DO THIS WEEK P. 10 TMP AND THE TERRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY P. 15 LESS THAN JAKE MORE THAN ACCEPTABLE P. 21

Public Intercourse

5

Why The Fuck Are You Still Talking?

How come you didn't vote in campus elections, you piece of shit?

STAFF Editors-in-Chief Emmy Ballard James Shea Managing Editor Gregory Ronquillo Assistant Editor Mark Delyani

"I'm a registered felon."

"MyUCSC was down."

SKYLER THOMAS SECOND-YEAR, PORTER ART

Best Editor Nicole Green

HEATHER COOPER THIRD-YEAR, COLLEGE 9 UNDECLARED

Illustration Fred Liang David Rothstein Donald Smith Solomon Wong Staff Members Everest Dillion-Hurley Lindy Edwards James Farmer Judyan Gonzalez Samer Hosn Clay Malzkuhn Darlene McCoy Victor Orozco Chloi Rad Patrick Rooney David Rothstein Lauren Tomicich Sam Weber Brendan Woodruff Contributors Danny Brooks Michael Fantauzzo Stephanie Liao Sophie Lundeberg Kimberly Reyes Amanda Vivrette $hout Out Thank you to Cowell, Crown, College Nine, and Porter Senates! *Not funded by Kresge Parliament.

Join our ranks!

Meetings every Tuesday at 8 p.m., upstairs in the ARCenter.

Advertise with Us! Email fishraplive@gmail.com Become a Fan on Facebook! search: The Fish Rap Live!

Have you heard of Twitter? www.twitter.com/fishraplive Friend us on Neopets (seriously) Username: Fishraplive Snail Mail Attn: The Fish Rap Live!

Press Center University of California, Santa Cruz 1156 High Street Santa Cruz, CA 95064-1077 fishraplive@gmail.com Fish Rap Mantra You were everything I wanted But I just can't finish what I started There's no room left here on my back It was damaged long ago Though I swear that you are true I'd still pick my friends over you

"I was too busy writing 'Go Vote' in chalk all over campus."

ERICA MEYERS FOUTH-YEAR, KRESGE COMMUNITY STUDIES/AMERICAN STUDIES

"It's like choosing between a douche and a turd. Did you ever see that episode of South Park?"

DEREK DUMBASS FIRST-YEAR, CROWN VIDEO GAME DESIGN

Letters to the Editors Hey, My army buddy is going to Afghanistan in mid may. Any chance you could hook it up with the last 3 physical copies of Fish Rap Live? If not, it's ok, I just think he'd love that kind of humor, he enjoys the onion a lot, and maybe if he has them wadded up in his chest pocket, it'll stop a bullet. I only have the 420 edition one that came out recently to offer him.

-Jensen Sup Jensen!

That is way too legit, and Fish Rap is more than happy to help! We can bring you a copy of everything we've printed this year.

You rock, Emmy & James Dearest Fish Rap, I awkwardly ran into you while you were tabling Bay Tree plaza and tried to express my deep/creepy love for your publication, but only managed to mumble and walk away. I think that my infatuation with you began when I was working for City on a Hill Press; you wrote that out of the two types of presses, a panini press was better. So true! I laughed and then gritted my teeth: how is any thing supposed to compete with a melted, cheesy, toasted sandwich? Also, you made a list of the best places to catch an STD in Santa Cruz and included my housing co-operative next to the Asti which I thought was especially funny and awesome to be mentioned in such distinguished company. That was only the beginning however and I soon found myself poring through each edition from start to finish; I ended up defending my love of dick/poop jokes

2 | Thursday, May 19, 2011

to my friends. Just yesterday, I read part of Fish Rap to people that I don't really know on the bus. I would like to think that they were as amused as I was.

On a more serious note, I like it when you sink your sharp and silly teeth into the administration, but appreciate how you don't hesitate to cast stones at both sides when they are deserving of ridicule. Also, sometimes when I am in public places having a stupid conversation I try and speak extra loudly and wink at people who look like they might be journalists, so that I can be included in your "Overheard in Santa Cruz section."

Your Creepy fan, Grant Dearest Grant, We awkwardly shared a Spanish 1 class with you two years ago and tried to express our deep/creepy love for your cute pelo rubio and flannel collection, but only managed to mumble and pretend to learn about the geography of Argentina. I think our infatuation with you began when we discovered our shared love of Wilco.

Looking into your black-rimmed glasses, we could imagine a future together instead of memorizing conjugations. That was only the beginning however as we soon found ourselves hanging onto every word of your in-class presentations. Rrrrrrrrrrroll those 'r's, baby.

On a more serious note, we both have boyfriends now so you really missed the boat on this one, buddy.

Adios, mi cani単o. Y bueno suerte.

Your Creepy Fish Rappers, Emmy & Nicole

Letter from the Editors It's not easy being funny.

Sure, when everybody knows who you are and how cool and funny and awesome you are, well, it can seem a little fun at first. All the party invitations and sick ragers we go to?

Sometimes we're too exhausted to even MAKE the paper! From partying with cool people, I mean.

But being popular and famous has its downsides. Sometimes, we can barely get through the day without getting stopped and recognized for our amazing wit, hilarious insight, and groundbreaking comedy newspaper. Sometimes, we'll just be out to eat, and the fans come pouring out of the woodwork to congratulate us on another amazing issue. It's flattering, really, but sometimes we'd just like to enjoy our Costco Pizza and Cheez-It Duoz combination plate in peace!

And while we really appreciate enthusiasm, the classroom is not the place for telling us all about how our paper has changed your life. We're just students like you, after all! We're just students who are cool and funny and popular and the best.

It's a good thing we're so humble, or all this glamour would go right to our heads.

Fall Schedule Introduces Standing Room-only Classes %\ -XG\DQ Gonzalez Unknown Staffer All classrooms and lecture halls on the UCSC campus will undergo remodeling this summer to be up to code under the recently introduced “Standing Room Only� policy. This policy is a compromise solution reached between the administration and the student body. In order to avoid a tuition hike, the University will be accepting thrice as many transfer and freshman students next year. To accommodate the massive, totally qualified, surplus of students, chairs on campus will be removed in order to maximize learning space. “The Standing Room Only learning environment will promote student unity by having them lean on each other for support� stated Andy Dukakis, an Admissions Counselor. “Standing will also increase student leg strength, which may finally lead to a successful sports team, or at the very least a faster track team or at the very, very least a campus-wide fleet of confident shorts-wearers.�

The new standing format will have students in a room be packed shoulder to shoulder at a minimum.

In popular classes like chemistry or psychology, students will be “packed in as tight as the meat in a hot dog,� according to Farmer John.

Student response to the “Standing Room Only� policy is still being debated. “I believe this is the way learning was naturally supposed to happen. The first human schools had no chairs. I mean, aren’t we supposed to think on our feet?� stated some chick with dreads and bare feet.

Contributing the second student opinion, one Anime Club member shared this, “I’m not against the policy, in fact I kind of like it, it makes me feel like I’m in a crowded Japanese subway car; and now I can have some human female contact.

And I for one would never take advantage of that kind of a situation.�

The SRO policy will also effect places beyond where teachers teach.

In order to completely ingrain the fact that sitting is something that does not happen at UCSC, all sitting

CLASSROOM UNIT 1, VHHQ KHUH EHIRUH WKH FKDQJHV ZHUH LPSOHPHQWHG apparatuses will be removed from the campus. “Say goodbye to your precious chairs and benches, Santa Cruz,� stated SRO mascot Wilkin the Walking Stick.

Wilkin also informed TMP that

Assholes Delighted Ja :Q[M WN /ZINĂ…\QÂź[ Importance %\ 3DWULFN Rooney Saw that Banksy Movie Asshole students throughout the UC system are expressing jubilation over bathroom graffiti’s increasing prominence as a medium to express their views. “Our message has long been ignored by the media and the public. People just didn’t want to hear what assholes have to say,â€? said secondyear Chaz Johnson as he finished the last of his forty and threw the bottle at a nearby sleeping homeless woman. “Used to be, I’d draw a swastika on a bathroom wall and people would just scribble it out, or pee on it,â€? Johnson said. Now, it makes headlines and the chancellor emails the whole school to tell them about it.â€?

Sociologist Taylor Wood says the rising popularity of graffiti has to do with its controversial content, which often consists of “vague ass threats we know they ain’t even going to pull off.�

Advocacy group Assholes for a Racist Society Everywhere (ARSE) issued this celebratory statement in response: “For too long, people would sit in a shitstained public restroom that smelled like some roadkill had been cooked in its own fluids, look over at a misspelled racist screed and think, well this isn’t something I need to take seriously. Not anymore! Once again, we see free speech wins out in even the most inane cases.�

SOME ASSHOLE’S GRAFFITI, VXFK DV WKH DERYH LV FRPPRQO\ IRXQG DOO RYHU FDPSXV RQ EDWKURRP ZDOOV OHFWXUH KDOO GHVNV DQG SDVVHG RXW IUHVKPHQ

to ensure no improvisational sitting occurs on campus all rocks, low walls, rails, and laps will be covered in anti-pigeon spikes. Wilkin continued his tirade with, “Oh and don’t think SRO somehow won’t

affect housing. To make room for all the new students the dorms will be maximized for human storage, which means standing desks and standing beds so that nine people can fit in the space of a double.�

Campus Faces Dirt Shortage %\ *UHJRU\ Ronquillo Toy Story 2 Was Pretty Good It is day 17 of UC Santa Cruz's epidemiclevel dirt shortage that has captivated the short attention spans of UCSC's dirty star-child woodsie popuation. The disastrous dirt dearth demonstration started when a Crazy Bearded Woodsie known only as “Skegs� started a flyering a petition calling for more dirt around campus. Claiming, "acres and acres of boring trees and empty fields isn’t enough,� he ended his manifesto with size 72 Impact Bold, “We need MORE dirt! The dirt belongs to those who use it!"

The typically fruitless attempt at political action from a UCSC student gained vindication in the form of an ENVS science-fairesque lab report quantifying UCSC's dirt shortage. The lab report, penned by the same Crazy Bearded Woodsie, reported levels of dirt on UCSC to have decreased by almost "a billion dirts" since the school's opening in 1965.

The report also cites The Farm as having experienced difficulties due to the lack of quality dirt, to which students from across the campus responded, “Wait—since when do we have a farm?� The report also links the shortage to the school newspaper Town on a Mountain Press, saying it “hasn’t reported any good dirt since as long as we can remember.� The report, now widely available through Facebook links and blog posts by people who enjoy posting “goofy shit,� has even reached the hands of the administration, who last Thursday issued a statement.

"We acknowledge the increasing lack of dirt on this campus. And while we're bewildered by the occurrence and do not at all sympathize with those upset," EVC Allison Galloway said, "we promise to make shallow attempts to placate your egotistical concerns."

Offering a solution, Galloway suggested they increase student tuition 32% to pay for brand-new premium dirt clumps that stay clumpy even when wet, imported straight from Watsonville. "If it worked in the past, it'll work for this too. But it only kinda-sorta worked in the past."

The promise of change has fallen on deaf ears from the Bearded Woodsie community, who say the problem isn't with UCSC administrative practices. In response to Galloway’s press conference, Skegs issued this statement: "It's all those damn tour groups, who regularly come and take out dirt on their Reebok sneakers and Crocs. They step on our dirt and take it home with them to New Port Beach or Santa Rosa or wherever the hell they're from. Enough is enough!"

Rumors say the dirt has all gone to the UC Regents’ pockets in the form of dirty, filthy money, but investigations have been unable to substantiate this claim outside of random angry people shouting and handing out flyers in Quarry Plaza and That Annoying Guy From Your Politics Class.

Town on a Mountain Press will continue to cover the situation, until we lose interest and shift our focus to some other media-driven crisis.

ZZZ ÀVKUDSOLYH FRP _

Campus

This Week in News Alcohol Threatens Intramurals

By Samer Hosn Owns a Guinea Pig The bustling Santa Cruz Spring weather often attracts a large group of students to participate in the University’s Intramural Sports League. The program offers students who are not refined in a sport the opportunity to competitively play

for no other reason than to have fun and exercise. This year the campus has seen a large increase in an addition to the intramural program that may hinder the program in the future. Student referee Dan Glynn reports that, “Those kids keep coming fucked up as hell.” Alcohol on the premises has caused many teams to forfeit their game and be disqualified from their tournament, leaving the

sober teams stranded without a game to play. A student from a freshman softball team named the “College Rox” illustrated his feelings behind drinking and being disqualified from the league: “Cuz.” As more and more students find it necessary to drink to enjoy these sports, the university is looking into possible accommodations for the changes.

At a meeting at the OPERS Cruzfat lunchroom, helmets for all sports, forbidding beer before liquor, and no girls with daddy issues allowed on the field were all suggested to make

the drunken sport playing proceed more smoothly. During the trial period for the changes OPERS came across a new issue that needed to be addressed. The staff has officially banned the use of pre-recall Four Loko.

“Students were hitting the softballs about a hundred yards further and running to the bases in about three seconds; we had one kid swim four laps without coming up for air once, and threw up in the pool. He had drank a blueberry Four Loko so clean up was fairly

non-existent, but we cannot have performance-enhancing alcohol on our field. We will not stand for it” said staff member Barbara Tender.

The University also asks that students drink plenty of water while drinking and playing any sport, and to avoid peppermint schnapps as well as any wines. The wine suggestion comes from the fact that wine may inhibit a student from being energized, and the peppermint schnapps suggestions comes from the fact that OPERS does not accommodate mobile homes.

Weekend at Home Was “Refreshing, But It’s Good to be Back,” Freshman Reports

By Lauren Tomicich Likes to Party This past weekend, UCSC student Trisha Sandersonel took the four-hour drive from UCSC to her hometown of Lompoc, CA. Trisha revealed that a friend from high school was driving back for the weekend and offered to drive her back too in exchange for some gas money.

Since Trisha didn’t have any big plans this weekend, she decided it would be nice to go back and visit her family and dog. She divulged how happy her parents were to see her, and how nice it was to have some home-cooked meals. While home, she ran a few errands and bought some snacks to bring back

Death of Osama Bin Laden Leads to Massive Cannabis Shortage

By Michael Fantauzzo Resident Madonna Expert In a speech last Sunday, Director of National Drug Control Policy Gil Kerlikowski celebrated the death of Osama bin Laden as an end to the illegal sale of marijuana for recreational use. The speech vindicated the claims made after 9/11 that the illegal drug trade in America contributed to terrorism abroad.

“100% of illegal cannabis purchases in the United State were made from Al-Qaeda affiliated dealers,” he said Monday. “Now that Al Qaeda has been beheaded, recreational marijuana use will likely cease.”

According to the Office of National Drug Control Policy's “Above the Influence” commercials, Al-Qaeda was responsible for the prevalence of marijuana in America. The organization funneled the money stoners had made working at Blockbuster into efforts to kill American troops and terrorize civilian populations.

In 2009 the federal government estimated that every joint smoked in America is the equivalent of 10

young Afghan girls having acid thrown in their face on the way to school.

“Bin Laden knew that spending 40 dollars on a dime bag to share with some friends as you watched 2001: A Space Odyssey in your mother's basement is 40 dollars directly going into the pockets of Al Qaeda,” Kerlikowski said. “That is why he created a vast network of terrorists to pose as your former high school friends willing to sell you some dank shit for a discount.”

He added that the money spent on marijuana broke down as follows: 35% on getting box cutters past airport security, 27% on Kiddie-Sized suicide vests, and 38% towards mailing powdery letters to Congressmen.

Kerlikowski concluded his speech on a positive note, saying it was his hope that former pot-smokers would turn to clean, terrorism free, home grown alternatives, such as crystallized methamphetamine.

When asked for comment, Santa Cruz student representative Harley Gershwin began to giggle and then asked to be guest passed into the

4 | Thursday, May 19, 2011

Osama bin Smokin’ HAHA, get it!? We can be edgy too.

College 8 dining hall.

Interim Al Qaeda President Rafiq al-Barrah said that the organization was not worried. “We get most of our money from torrenting movies anyways.”

to campus. Not many of her friends were home that weekend, but Trisha was able to go to lunch with a friend who attends Lompoc Community College. Trisha reported that it was “an okay time.”

Trisha shared that one of her favorite things to do at home is to catch up on sleep, so that is what she did for the majority of Saturday.

Overall Trisha reported that the weekend was “refreshing, yet it’s good to be back,” and that “being in college really makes you appreciate home so much more, but there really isn’t that much to do in Lompoc, so a weekend is enough.”

Students at UCSC are able to keep a great balance between home and school and this closeness of community truly strengthens the UCSC network.

Alcohol: UNVEILED

By Lauren Tomicich Likes to Party It has come to the attention of Town on a Mountain Press that students at UCSC have reported that they, despite illegality, partake in underage drinking. This shocking revelation has shaken the UCSC community and undermined the credibility of many underclassmen.

TMP decided to investigate just how prevalent this problem is. We decided to begin at the dorms, seeing as most underclassmen live in on-campus dorms.

Upon entering a Cowell dorm room, investigators were taken aback when they found cans of Bud Light and Pabst Blue Ribbon blatantly displayed in the recycle bin, and a menagerie of other cans inside the freshman’s mini fridge.

We interviewed the freshman (whose name we will not disclose for his safety) and learned much about this horrifying reality.

The student admitted to underage drinking “multiple times a month, sometimes even a few times a week.” The frequency of this offense seemed shocking, however,

the student claimed he had “never been written up, arrested, or even questioned.”

We asked the tough question of what he thinks the consequence would be if his parents knew about his criminal behavior. The student responded that his parents “probably wouldn’t care” and have even “offered him beer on a few occasions.” With this lack of consequence its not a surprise that underage drinking is so prevalent.

We also asked the student where he usually commits this heinous crime and he exposed that he has consumed alcohol “in dorm rooms, on the knoll, at Natty Bridges, at houses off campus, on buses, downtown, on the East Night Core, everywhere, really.”

The student also revealed that these offenses are usually committed en masse, with several students drinking together as a form of bonding. The student even divulged that some of his best times with “his buddies” have been under the influence of alcohol.

Since this problem seems so widespread TMP would love your feedback and to learn more about this shocking reality at UCSC.

ZZZ ÀVKUDSOLYH FRP _

Feature

Not So Cheap Dank Nuggets: Budget Cuts Lead to Reduced Chicken Cuts

By James Shea Baby-in-Chief The smell of fryers. The warmth of rising steam. The feeling of grease on every surface you touch. That weird wet spot you almost slipped in that looks like a puddle crossed paths with marinara sauce. It's a full buffet of heat lamps, stale breads, wilted lettuce, that coffee that gives you the worst shits and, most importantly, fried foods.

But today at the College 8 Dining Hall, arguably the premier eating establishment on campus, there is something different. An absence.

A loss. A travesty.

“Oh man,” observes Oakes freshman Jennifer Derrida, “they're out of chicken nuggets. Bummer.”

Yes, sadly, it's true. The crispy poultry-- sometimes pink, usually white, but occasionally an offcolor gray-- has been a staple of many students dining experience at this campus for upwards of five decades. It has survived many challenges to its legitimacy-- questions of its nutritional content, calls to remove it in favor of vegan-friendly options, the great 2002 debates over “Where does a 'nugget' come from?” Despite all this, the noble chicken nugget has proudly been offered every day to ravenously hungry students who skipped breakfast because they weren't feeling too hot this morning but now they're like STARVING -- until recently.

“We're all out of chicken nuggets right now,” professional dining hall worker and 3rd year Kresge student Patrick Banner formerly announced last Saturday to the five students gathered for Weekend Limited Dining Option, “I think we should have some more in like an hour.”

9/10 succesfully reduces its budget by replacing all meat products with “meat-like” byproducts.

Remember when To-Go boxes were free and there was none of this fucking tiny cup bullshit?

“I think we should have more in like an hour.”

-Patrick Banner, Dining Hall Worker

Dining hall workers announce strikes over being paid in “handfuls of cashews and FlexiDollars.”

“in fee

se” -grea

6 | Thursday, May 19, 2011

6 5%

Cowell/ Stevenson tries to raise funds by instituting two-drink minimum.

While budget cuts have long been seen to impact classes, housing, majors, library hours, availability of reasonably priced molly, and student health services, few had expected that the financial crisis would extend to the most sacred of undergraduate studies-- shitty dining hall food. As the use of furloughs amongst dining hall staff reached a fever pitch late last March, the school has been having to increasingly find other areas to cut costs. While the replacement of the Crown-Merrill dining hall with a fully-licensed Hometown Buffet in late April was met with little more than a shrug, the recent controversial change in menu options has spurned a wide range of reactions from students-- and few of them are supportive.

“Well, normally I just hit up the burrito bar on the weekends to get my carne asada on, ya'know,” says Fred

Kingston, a second-year Porter student, “Cause, like chicken nuggets don't really sit well on a hangover, ya'dig? And like,

“...people really like eating them.”

-Fred Kingston, Porter 2nd-year who eats at College 8 sober? They might be good when ya blazin' now that I think about it, so I guess it's kind of lame they don't have any today.”

“I just don't understand,” sputtered a teary-eyed Patricia Harrison, a first-year from College 8, “I just don't understand.”

Katherine McMaloy, a nutritionist my mom knows, says that the removal of chicken nuggets represents a rash decision that ignores the long-term consequences, and also freedom.

“You should never remove healthy food options from a school menu, especially not at a time when our country is suffering from an obesity epidemic,” she stated in a phone interview. “So is this for like a book report or something?”

In an exclusive interview with TMP reporters, administrators defended the reduction as a necessity in our current budget crisis.

“I don't know what you're talking about,” responded Felicia McGinty, Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs, “Or why you're talking about it for that matter.”

Despite this steadfast refusal to engage the matter, those behind the cuts still must confess to the chicken nuggets ubiquitous popularity.

“Yeah,” says Banner, “I guess people really like eating them.”

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SPORTS

,Q^M <MIU +MTMJZI\M[ I *QZ\PLIa %\ -DPHV Shea *UHJRU\ Ronquillo Lightweights Unless you're trapped in some bullshit Groundhog Day infinite time loop, it's not every day you turn 21. Having cleared the hurdles of being able to legally drive, smoke, buy porn, and be arrested for fucking your underage girlfriend, there's not much else to look forward to in life other than purchasing legal drank and some day being able to run for President (35 here I come). So when you hit the big Two-One it's time to put away the grumpy feelings towards “getting old” and “having regrets” and concentrate your energy into “getting drunk” and “forgetting regrets.”

Turning 21 in Santa Cruz thus means buying cheap booze, hitting up bars for free drinks, and eventually passing out in your friend's car after trying to open his door while he's doing 50 in a residential area.

We started the festivity off by going on a booze cruise to stock up; living in a house of alcoholics means that your recycling bin is always full, so it was necessary for us to grab a handle of vodka, a handle of rum, a 30 rack, a 6 pack of “quality beer” (hell yeah maturity), and a fistful of 1-dollar minibar bottles. Having enough to last my roommates the weekend, we got our pregame on and headed out.

Realizing that a full night of drinking on empty stomach is only a good idea if you're not going to be getting complimentary birthday drinks, we decided to start with dinner at 99 Bottles, where I secured a pint of chocolate stout and half a burger. The stout went down like a mocha, and I'm glad the burger was tasty too, because I was going to be tasting it a few times over as the night progressed.

From there, our pack converged on Dive

Team classic The Jury Room where, while downing a pink lemonade tasting free mixed drink, we watched a townie skinhead practice his kung-fu moves to the Mortal Kombat theme. Around when he started grabbing other patrons and giving them noogies we realized our little group was an outlier of college kids surrounded by a wretched hive of scum and villainy, so we quietly finished our glasses and split.

Our next stop was the Rush Inn, where the bartender somehow miraculous translated my slurred desires for something with rum, tartness, and “a lot of alcohol” into a fairly delicious drink that she described as “a gamble.” Between three of us, we tore through an entire fresh pack of cigarettes, leaving some of us with rapidly cultivated smoker's lung and the rest with irritated eyes and a fit of “polite coughs.” As the mixed drinks turned to beers turn to whiskey sours turned to “whatevers strong and cheap,” we became enraptured by the television near the front of the bar, which flashed apocalyptic imagery like exploding airplanes and inspirational quotes from Whitney Houston.

Discovering the quarter-driven jukebox featured a wider selection of music than one would expect from a hole-inthe-wall bar, we fed our entire pockets into the machine and patiently waited for our requested threepeat of “King of Carrot Flowers Part 1.” After about two hours of waiting, we heard the faint chords and Jeff Mangum's yelly vocals and by that point it wasn't really as funny. They also only played the track once, which means they didn't even deliver on our full 1.50 request. They did, however, immediately follow up with Montell Jordan's “This is How We Do It,” leading most of

the bar's post-college but pre-midlife patrons to starting grinding ghoulishly. The mood had its chair kicked out from under it though because right afterwards we put on motherfucking Godsmack.

The night took a turn for the dark at this point; one staffer, tipsy off Long Island Iced Teas and Redbull chasers from earlier, ended up aggressively confronting a girl who, quote, “Had been standing in front of Pac-Man all night and I just wanted to play Pac-Man but she wouldn't move and I just wanted to play Pac-Man.” This, combined with increasing reports from our female staffers of “sketchy lady shit” going down in the bathroom, and the sobering up of our designated driver, gave us the green light to get the fuck outta dodge.

All in all, turning 21 taught me a valuable lesson: drink more before going to bars because that shit is expensive.

Exclusive DidThe You Know I Like The Giants?

Hosni Mubarak Resignation Medallion

%\ (PP\ Ballard Bitch-in-Chief

Man, isn’t baseball the best sport in the whole gosh darn world? It’s sunshine and puppies and unattractive thigh burns from hot bleachers and ÆW_MZa TIVO]IOM IJW]\ []UUMZ \PI\ 1 [\WTM WNN Ua TQ\\TM [Q[\MZ¼[ WTL 5a;XIKM XZWÅTM *I[MJITT Q[ \PQVSQVO JIKS \W _PMV aW] _MZM I SQL XTIaQVO <IUIOW\KPQ[ IVL _PQVQVO NWZ PW\LWO[ JM\_MMV *IZZa¼[ homers when the Giants still XTIaML I\ +IVLTM[\QKS aW] ,7 ZMUMUJMZ +IVLTM[\QKS *I[MJITT Q[ \PM XIQV WN _IQ\QVO aMIZ[ NWZ aW]Z \MIU to win the – oh wait, I’m WVTa ?PI\M^MZ 1\¼[ [\QTT taking home promotional XW[\MZ[ \W \IXM ]X WV aW]Z dorm room wall and using Q\ \W PWWS ]X _Q\P O]a[ 1\¼[ PW_ VQKM Ua I[[ TWWS[ _PMV 1 _MIZ Ua VM_ *ZQIV ?QT[WV RMZ[Ma _Q\P TMOOQVO[ IVL Q\¼[ \PM _IN\QVO IZWUI WN OIZTQK NZQM[ ,QL aW] SVW_ \PMa [MZ^M \PW[M I\ OIUM[' *MKI][M \PMa LW *]\ W^MZ \PM XI[\ NM_ UWV\P[ JI[MJITT PI[ LM^MTWXML IV M^MV [PITTW_MZ UMIVQVO NWZ UM \PI\ \ZIV[KMVL[ ITT WN \PI\ <PM JM[\ XIZ\ WN JMQVO I LQM PIZL /QIV\[ NIV Q[ \PI\ Q\ UISM[ JWa[ TQSM UM IVL \PQVS 1¼U LW_V \W MIZ\P IVL \W\ITTa VW\ \PM SQVL WN OQZT _PW VIUM LZWX[ \PMQZ .IKMJWWS QV\MZM[\[ JMKI][M .A1 \PI\ LWM[V¼\ _WZS 1 UMIV \PM TW^M WN \PM OIUM

in .999 Solid Fine Gold

And it is that love of the game that unites all Giants fans, from +W_MTT LWZU ZWWU[ \W \PW[M W\PMZ +W_MTT LWZU ZWWU[ \W Ua ]VKTM¼[ ZMKTQVMZ QV :MVW 1 KW]TL ZMOITM aW] _Q\P Ua KW]V\TM[[ XMZ[WVIT QV\MZIK\QWV[ _Q\P UQTLa QV[XQZQVO LQ[IJTML PMIZ\_IZUQVOTa I^MZIOM NIV[ J]\ _PW OQ^M[ I N]KS <PM XWQV\ Q[ 1¼^M JWVLML _Q\P Ua NIQZ [PIZM 1\¼[ _PI\ NIV[ LW 6W_ ][ <Z]M .IV[ _M¼ZM I [XMKQIT JZMML ?M JZIO \W ITT W]Z NZQMVL[ IJW]\ 2WVI\PIV ;IVKPMb IVL PQ[ VW PQ\\MZ M^MV \PW]OP PM PI[ IV -:) WN IVL PI[V¼\ _WV I OIUM [QVKM )XZQT ?M LMNMVL *IZZa *WVL[ NZWU [\MZWQL IKK][I\QWV[ JMKI][M _PW KIZM[ QN PM VM^MZ [QOVML I]\WOZIXP[ IVL [XI\ WV JIJQM[ IVL QV[XQZML \PI\ I_N]T *MZVQM 5IK UW^QM : 1 8 PM IVL PQ[ JW_TQVO JITT VMKS _MZM W]Z KPQTLPWWL PMZWM[ ?M TQ^M NWZ \WZ\]ZM NMIZ \PM JMIZL IVL _IVVI OM\ W]Z NZMIS WV _Q\P \PM NZMIS AW] SVW_ )VL Ja \PM _Ia N]KS \PM ,WLOMZ[ 6W\ \W TQUQ\ Ua LI\QVO XWWT N]Z\PMZ \PIV Q\ ITZMILa Q[ I\ ;IV\I +Z]b J]\ 1¼TT VM^MZ OM\ _Q\P I ,WLOMZ[ NIV ?MTT IK\]ITTa 1 LI\ML \PQ[ \W\ITTa OWZOMW][ O]a NZWU 4 ) WVM \QUM J]\ Q\ LQLV¼\ TI[\ TWVO · 1¼U R][\ \PI\ JQO WN I NIV 1\¼[ VW\ TQSM PM L]UXML UM 474 )[ I <Z]M .IV 1 PI\M JIVL_IOWV NIV[ IVL PW_ \PMa MKWVWUQKITTa []XXWZ\ W]Z IJQTQ\a \W [QOV \PM *M[\ 8TIaMZ[ -^MZ IVL WXMZI\M \PM +WWTM[\ ;\ILQ]U QV )UMZQKI ,W aW] SVW_ _Pa Ua .IKMJWWS [\I\][M[ are posted three minutes before theirs’? I didn’t have to Google the [KWZM JMKI][M 1 ITZMILa PMIZL [WUM O]a \ITS IJW]\ Q\ WV \PM J][ 1 JM\ \PMa LWV¼\ SVW_ _PW ;PI_V -[\M[ _I[ WZ *ZIVLWV *MT\¼[ 4Q\\TM 4MIO]M JI\\QVO I^MZIOM IVL LQLV¼\ UW]\P ^WU QV \PM \P OZILM _PMV :IVLa 2WPV[WV QUXTWLML I LW^M _PQTM XQ\KPQVO IOIQV[\ ][ I\ ;XZQVO <ZIQVQVO *]\ IJW^M ITT 1 PI\M OQZT[ _PW IZM ITT TQSM ¹*][\MZ 8W[Ma Q[ [WWWWWWW PW\ º I[ QN \PMa [MM \PM JM[\ [XWZ\ QV \PM _WZTL I[ I UMI\ UIZSM\ IVL \PMa R][\ OI^M ]X JMQVO ^MOIV IVL 70 /7, <0-A¼:- 0=6/:A 0M¼[ UQVM JQ\KPM[

Overheard in Santa Cruz Whatever happened to discreet conversation? We’ve got our ears on you. And you’ve got your mind in loud, perverted, irreverent, insightful, idiotic, and generally inappropriate gutters. Welcome to “Overheard in Santa Cruz.”

“I wanna be a skinny hot blonde girl who goes to Stanford. So down.”

Freshman bro in the Porter Quad 4/25/11 “You can’t do that! That’s the mall! Oh my God.” Guy watching Avril Lavigne’s “Complicated” video 4/28/11 “Oh God, please don’t urinate on the bus. I beg of you. Please. I would really prefer it if you didn’t.”

16 Bus going downtown 5/12/11 “No woman will ever be satisfied because no man will ever have a penis that shoots out money. Yeahhhhhh.”

Guy at Cowell/Stevenson pasta bar 5/12/11 “Mice are like people. But not trusting people.

Mice are like New Yorkers.”

Press Center 5/14/11 “I asked the bus driver if he would let me bring a couch on the bus and he just laughed. People in Santa Cruz are jerks.”

Salvation Army 5/01/11 “Here, take this Fish Rap. UCSC’s comedy newspaper.”

“Wait, no, I don’t want this.”

“Too late, no backsies.”

Fish Rap staffer tabling 5/12/11 “How much would you pay to watch Notorious B.I.G. cry for ten minutes?”

House Party 4/30/11 “Pabst? That stuff gives you erectile defunction.”

House Party 4/30/11 “Does he actually have Asperger’s?”

“No, I think he just likes Legoes.”

Two College 8 Bros, Dining Hall 4/25/11 “I make it a point not to pee in Kresge.”

Owl’s Nest 4/28/11 “City on a Hill Press is so much better when high.”

Freshman on Loop bus 4/22/11 “No, I can’t come to class today. My cat scratched my turtle’s eye.”

Loop Bus 5/15/11

“Yeah, my buddy almost fucked Ke$ha.”

Outside some bar downtown 4/23/11 Hear something stupid? email fishraplive@gmail.com

ZZZ ÀVKUDSOLYH FRP _

Feature

Meet Your New SUA Reps!

Hey remember that campus election you didn’t vote in?

Well it went right the fuck on without you and elected up some new homies to represent your non-voting ass to the general administration! Yes, the oftentimes literal popularity contest of your high school years past has continued its march towards egotistical self-glorification well into the college years in the form of a spooky and mysterious “Student Union Assembly.” Who are these scoundrals, these charlatans, these student politicians? What are they up to in that mysterious building above Quarry Plaza? Do they even go to this school?

TMP investigates.

Commissioner of Academic Affairs Mr. George Feeney Major English? History? It's never really explained.

Year 6th Grade - College Campaign “Gutenberg's generation thirsted for a new Slogan book every six months! Your generation gets a new web page every 6 seconds. And how do you use this technology? To try and beat King Koopa, and rescue the princess. Shame on you. You deserve what you get.”

Party Moral Majority

Treasurer Position Currently Vacant Due to Lack of Funding

4XDOLÀFDWLRQV I followed you as your teacher, principle, professor, and dean for your entire schooling career. I taught you about the ways of the world and the laws of life. Join me at 8 PM on ABC Family on Basic Cable to relive your favorite moments with Cory, Shawn, Topanga and even Minkus (except after the first two seasons).

Sustainability Coordinator Oscar the Grouch Major Environmental Studies Year Class of 1969 Campaign “I love being miserable. That makes me happy. But Slogan I hate being happy. So that makes me miserable.”

Party National Socialist Party of America 4XDOLÀFDWLRQV I’ve lived in and amongst trash for upwards of 40 years now and let me tell you-- our current policies for recycling and compost are not sustainable. Also I know who on campus has taken -- and passed-- pregnancy tests, so vote for me or I start naming names.

Duties

Educating the youth about water conservation, and the alphabet. Vague deployment of environmentalist keywords. Scoffing at friends for wasteful habits. Diet mostly from Kresge Co-Op.

8 | Thursday, May 19, 2011

2IÀ

Commissioner of Diversity That Guy in Your Politics Class Who’s Read Frantz Fanon Major Community Studies

Major

Year Fifth

Year

Campaign “Merrill core really opened my eyes.”

Slogan Party I don’t get invited to many.

4XDOLÀFDWLRQV Well like, where I grew up I was like the only white guy in my group of friends and it was just so diverse, you know? And when I came here I was just like so surprised at how not diverse it was? I don’t even really see race.

Model Number Campaign Slogan Party 4XDOLÀFDWLRQV Duties

Duties Conveniently ignore class conflict on University campus. Maintain mysterious and undefined definition of diversity. Track diversity statistics with regard to enrollment, retention, dropout rates and academic standing. Don't be racist.

&KLHI &62

Commissioner of Dining Hall Affairs A Greek Grandmother Major History Year Opa! Campaign “You look so thin, eat, eat for yaya.”

Slogan Party I vote for the Obama.

4XDOLÀFDWLRQV I cook every day for husband. I grow my own lemons, out back, I don’t trust the supermarket, their food is no good.

I have all this food I make for you, and you’re just going to let it go to waste? You don’t love me.

Duties I must feed my children, come, I’ve made some baklava. Who cares if it is health, hah, what is health is you should eat. My food is free, no, no, keep your flexis. No, I couldn’t. Just eat.

The Bald Guy from Law & Order SVU Major Legal Studies Year Season 1 - Present Campaign “You two, my office, NOW.” Slogan Party NYPD 4XDOLÀFDWLRQV Extensive work with and against the bureaucracy, so I know how to play by the rules and when we need to break those rules.

And this is one of those times. I want you to do anything you can to get that girl back.

Duties Keep Stabler and Benson in line. Bust a few sophomores for smokin’ the dope behind the dumpsters on Science Hill. Send Munch and Fin to go to speak to the victim’s sister.

I want a potential perp by tomorrow. Let’s go people, we’re wasting time.

Feature

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um d n e r fe e R t n e d TMP Guide HtoV Stu DQG ,QLWLDWLY auzzo

By Michael Fant e Expert gu no Mi lie Resident Ky

to pay for the e fees on everyone students vote to rais price of a quarter is just the a termination, UCSC -de lars self dol 5 and ra ext rity , an solida ber t em den stu rem d of y An . pla piring dis new initiatives Every year in an ins g to eat themselves. h Rap Guide to the ple instead of gettin a few. Here is the Fis e to one group of peo special interests of giv and buy to ryone has sandwich!---that eve

Measure 20

Measure 90 Makes using dispos

able plastic bags a

en or Sponsored by Go Gre

18V Smart Select Cordless Drill

fun. to award funding to Creates a new fund N-atic Sponsored by the FU up.

Christian Improv Gro FUN-damentalists

“New power settings give you the precise torque you need for your job! Theta-Chi!”

Measure 96

Black & Decker

tiative 62 cated funds from Ini Reroutes excess allo uali-socioi-eq ers div rol-ag for use in sustainabi eation in unive development-cr economi-cooperat -communities. gio reli ialrac noderrepresented eth Student dent Committee on ding Sponsored by The Stu Fun on es itte mm dent Co Committees On Stu g. din on Fun Student Committees

Nobody screws the student body better than Black and Decker. Easy-in, easy-out slide pack battery.

Leader and principal head-tool-in-charge of the Student Body. Ensure cohesive and effective interaction within the Assembly and the campus (whatever that means). Budget initiative must be approved by SUA, UC Office of the President, and Home Depot. Speak softly and carry a big stick, but the stick has very little torque per square inch or any actual governmental power.

Measure 91

ly toilets to be outAllows for eco-friend —“flush only half ion opt rd fitted with thi ers.” oth to ng rni of it as a wa an Society of Feeric Sponsored by the Am cal Vigilance.

Measure 88

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Measure 1984t semester studen Adds 5,000 dollar 00 fund to en0,0 $70 a ate fee to cre st Say No” “Ju to ts den Stu courage rpse of Nancy Sponsored by the Co Reagan.

7 Measure 13n 3of exp er-

creatio Calls for funding the et memes, including imental new intern livious Toucan, and Waffle Walrus, Ob nd. eisa Str Sad Barbra ists for the Discovery Sponsored by Scient k About at Parties. of Something to Tal

Measure 87 costs for Eliminates tuition tes yearly all students. Institu $30,000 fee.

“Education” Sponsored by “Free”

Measure 707 wing for Saves paper by allo Declaration Humanities Major d directly Forms to be printe nald's job on the back of McDo applications.

Parents.

Sponsored by Your

A Chair Major Psychology Year Upholstery from 1979 Campaign “This job covers two of my favorite things: Slogan Being a chair, and vice. I got 50 large on red, come on baby baby come on.”

Party Musical Chairs 4XDOLÀFDWLRQV A 300 lb man once sat on me and I didn’t fold under pressure.

Duties Obscure position duties and keep identity hidden from student government. “Be part of the student voice.” Make empty promises.

Have prior experience with being a chair.

ELECTION WEEK: By the numbers

he ules. u to .

2 Year Warranty Guarantee

Bleed Red.

Measure 62

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hate crime.

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City

The Boardwalk: Super Awesome Neat-O Fun Time!

By Nicole Green Best Editor Have you ever heard of The Boardwalk?

Whether yes, no, or idgaf, strap on your Crocs, make sure your hair feathers are securely fastened, and come with me, because I’m going to lead you to a magical (not so!) far-away place.

The Boardwalk is a permanent carnival that also has sand. It is widely regarded as the most hip-happenin’ place for a UCSC student to

spend their Friday night (OMG Rebecca Black LOL), as well as being one of the most coveted Santa Cruz date locations by people who have never had a date before.

The Boardwalk is home to some of California’s most famous attractions, including the Giant Dipper, considered one of California’s least reliable roller coasters; and the Cave Train, the only ride in the state’s history to win awards for both best and worst place to be when your acid peaks. The windswept troves of garbage there have more than once been noted for their

exceptionally fine quality, and those enjoying the rides/no doing the math for what 85 centsper-ticket adds up to are often heard making comments like “The weird fake plastic cavemen on the SkyTram didn’t haunt my subconscious nearly as much as I thought they would,” and “It was alright. I wouldn’t go back, but it was alright.”

To help mitigate the shortage of post-colonial history, The Boardwalk was named as both a National Historic Landmark and a California Historic Landmark, leading many to wonder if

nothing was sacred anymore.

Additionally, The Boardwalk hosts an annual summer concert series called “Surprise!

They’re Not Dead Yet!” which showcases some of the best of the deservedly forgotten bands of the past. The Boardwalk has also won numerous awards, including the coveted “Best Place in Santa Cruz to Buy a $7 Corndog” for 6 years running.

While The Boardwalk is free to look at, loitering is strictly prohibited.

Stop Sign Erected at Wabash and Lake

Café Pergolesi:

Cool Place to Chill

By David Rothstein Pseudo-Intellectual Searching for that quirky, cultural coffee house with an atmosphere where you feel right at home? Inside a repurposed old Victorian on the corner of Cedar and Elm is the coolest new installment to Downtown Santa Cruz: Café Pergolesi. Don’t be put off by its old fashioned appearance, because Café Pergolesi is the best place to be found enjoying a savory soy latte or reading a Danielle Steele novel. Pergolesi (or “The Perg,” a slang name used by regulars) serves coffee in tall drinking glasses instead of

the traditional café mug and even offers beer on tap, so you can wash down that chocolaty double mocha with a cold Coors Lite. While you’re visiting, be sure to check out the bathroom, which features an array of edgy modern art by local artists, and don’t miss the chance to sit out on the non-smoking patio and make use of Pergolesi’s eco-friendly WiFi. While other Pergolesi patrons may be heavily pierced cynics who reek of vomit and American Spirits, shoot a friendly smile in their direction and treat yourself to another soy latte while you text your friends about Café Pergolesi, Santa Cruz’s hottest new underground coffee joint.

Event Calendar Campus Thursday, May 19 t Lecture by Kanye West: “You thought Cornel West was Good? I’m the Best West.” Humanities 1, room 210. 4 to 5:30 p.m. Free. t Lecture: “Rollface and Ricktrolling: Patterns of Internet Memes” with Leroy Jenkens. 5 to 6 p.m. Baskin 404. t Roundtable Discussion: The Chicken Nugget Controversy.

College Eight, room 250. 7:30 to 9 p.m.

Free.

Friday, May 20 t Workshop: “The

t t

t

t

Panopticon and YouGetting Ahead in Foucauldian Structres of Power.” Bay Tree Conference Center, Cervantes & Velasquez room. 1 to 2:15 p.m.

UCSC students only.

Free.

Get a goddamn haircut, you dirty hippie.

Unsanctioned Event: Stoners in Porter Meadow celebrating one month since 4/20.

All day. Free.

Lecture: “Anarchy Thinks You’re Really Neat, but it Would be Better to Just Stay Friends” with Thomas Rainsborough. Humanities 2, room 160.

5 to 6 p.m.

Lecture: “I am John

10 | Thursday, May 19, 2011

Galt- Confessions of a non-Libertarian named after an Ayn Rand character.” Cowell D132. 8 p.m. Free.

Saturday, May 21 t Spring Weed Sale. That Sketchy Guy’s Room, Porter B, room 6969.

10 a.m. to 3 p.m. t Lecture: “Colonialism and the UC” with Erica Meyers.

Vegan cookies will be provided. 12 to 3 p.m.

Free. t Call Mom, get answering machine. 8 p.m.

Your dorm room. Free. t Film: “Baby Roommate” Merrill Cultural Centre 12 to 1:30 p.m.

Free.

By Brendan Woodruff Can Reach High Shelves Without much ceremony, construction workers laid down the last bit of concrete on the new stop sign on the corner of Wabash and Lake this Thursday. The quiet event marked the end of a long and hard fought battle that tore the community apart, pitting neighbor against neighbor. Both sides felt that their civil rights as Americans were at stake, and, for a while, it seemed neither was willing to budge an inch.

“You have to understand, this is the suburbs, people take local politics personally,” said a neighborhood insider, who spoke to us on the condition on anonymity. “There’s a saying down here, ‘opinions are like assholes, everyone thinks their own is better and more valid than everyone else’s. And when you have as many assholes as there are in this neighborhood, you have twice as many opinions.”

Those for the stop sign felt it was a matter

of public safety.

“It’s a matter of public safety!” said Eric Davis, head of the Stop Sign Alliance. “My children play in that street. Every day I’m afraid they’ll be run over. I don’t really know the amendments super well but I’m pretty sure the fifth one is freedom from fear.”

Residents against the stop sign believed it was a waste of taxpayer money. “It’s a recession,” remarked Steve Ducie, president of the Patriots Against the Stop Sign and overweight high school football coach/PE teacher. “We cant be wasting money on job killing public improvement construction projects.” In addition, those against the stop sign felt that it was “another example of big government taking away peoples right to drive how they want.”

The issue was put to a vote during a special election this March. Ultimately, the measure to erect a stop sign passed, with 15 people voting for and 7 voting against. It was a record turn out. Eric Davis Construction won the contract to install the signs.

By Mark Delayni Assistant Editor

City Thursday, May 19 t Hobo Fight: CrazyEyes Anton versus Otter “The Ripper” Otterson 4 to 5:30 p.m.

Behind the bus station Free. t Political Discourse: Santa Cruz Socialist Association inconveniencing traffic. Clock tower. 7:30 to 9 p.m.

Free. t Lecture: “The Pornopticon.” Santa Cruz Public Library. 8 p.m.

Free.

Friday, May 20 t Benefit: Santa Cruz Weight Watchers bake sale. 12 to 4 p.m. Santa

t

t t

Cruz Community Centre. Free.

Concert: Dubstep blowout feat. Dr. Wobbz, Dubranasaurous Rex, and Badfish: A Tribute to Sublime.

Vintage Faith Church.

8 p.m. to 12 a.m.

Justin Long Film Festival. Del Mar Theatre. 8 p.m. $15.

Lecture: “The Police are Fucking Infringing Upon My Fucking Rights” with that one drunk asshole. The drunk tank, Santa Cruz Police Station. 2 to 8 a.m.

Saturday, May 21 t Concert: Chip Lord and the Chipettes. 8 p.m. The Crepe Place.

t

t

t

t

$8 advance, $8 door.

Lecture: “I’m Drunk and Wearing Hats: A Photoessay” 11 p.m.

James’ Tumblr. Free.

Concert: Assholes in the Porter Quad playing bad covers of Neutral Milk Hotel, Rebecca Black, and the Velvet Underground. 2 a.m. Free.

Concert: Little Girls: A Tribute to Oingo Boingo. 9 p.m. Under the Laurel Street bridge.

Free.

Symposium: “The Great Joss Whedon debate: “Buffy” versus “Firefly.”” Your house.

9 p.m. BYOB.

For a complete list of this week’s events, go to www.fishraplive.com

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UCSC: Things Done Changed

Likes it when \RX FDOO KLP %LJ 3DSD

%\ *UHJ Ronquillo Listens to the Rap Music Remember back in the day, when we didn’t have grades? Matrix shades, and corn braids?

What ever happened to the KZSC Cookout?

Everytime I turn around some major’s getting took out. This school is pretty much just like the rest. Don’t ask me why I’m motherfuckin’ stressed, things done changed.

We pretend this is still freshman year, when we all desperately wanted to believe this school actually lived up to the hype. You used to love to defend your beloved alma mater Uncle Charlie’s Summer Camp, saying how it’s given you a “different college experience,” and how you haven’t confused your education and your schooling (yeah, thanks Mark Twain). “Don’t worry ma’, I still shower regularly.” But the under current is impossible to deny, and the hippies are smelling a lot cleaner now days. Maybe it’s the crippling patchouli shortage on the West Coast.

Maybe they’ve traded their trust fund baby crib and their “totally chill” parental safety net for a BA in Business Management and a penchant for taking day classes. Maybe the school as an institution has matured, gotten older, threw on a crisp new suit with a button up, and changed clothes.

This isn’t the school you heard about your senior year in high school after bragging about sending in your UC applications 20 seconds before midnight with only the basic Comcast DSL package on November 29th. This isn’t the school you’d read about on the internet or made fun of with your friends during lunch period while eating some crusty ass Chalupas from the LAUSD boxed lunch program. This no longer is the school David Horiwitz on Fox News called the “Worst School in America” in 2007; most of those classes he tore into in his long diatribe are no longer offered, and many of those departments cut. UCSC is now just another school, like UC Irvine or ITT Tech. Pretty soon we’ll have commercials running during Maury Povich advertising how you can get your degree in Psychology in just under 6 years if you take hella many online classes and call today. “Get off the couch, get those Cheetos stains out of your Dead Kennedies t-shirt and come to UC Santa Cruz. UCSC: Just Another School.”

On May 16th, 2001, at approximately 2:36 PM, the spirit of Santa Cruz was found dead of an apparent overdose of ‘lame bullshit on campus’. It’s not like this addiction to internal fuckery happened overnight, choking on its own a mixture of vomit and mystery Loko or something, or it got mauled by a mountain lion and we found its mangled corpse across the East field with entrails sprawling as far as the Cowell pond, in some bizarre “first will come last and the last will come first” death scenerio. No, this was a slow hippy burnout death (possibly the result of too much acid during the summer of ’73) that culminated in a whimper rather than a bang throughout our college careers.

Let’s drop some science for the dearly departed: In it’s final years, this was no longer the University that had more than 80% of its population walk out in protest of the Vietnam War back in 1970. The disruptions to official campus business and shit like that was so large that spring quarter was officially canceled.

This isn’t even any longer the University that in 2001, only a month after September 11th had 1500 students protest at the base of campus against military intervention in Afghanistan.

You know, the war most people actually liked.

The only approval rating higher than Bush and Afghanistan was—yup, you guessed it, “my dick.”

Then again, this used to be the University that had narrative evaluations, pass/no pass for all classes until 2000, and actual meaningful interactions with professors. This isn’t the cliché

bullshit “meaningful interactions” line thrown around by toolish campus tour guides and TV commercials for technical schools, this was the real deal hollyfield philosopher’s stone 7/11 hot dog Zelda triforce actual Meaningful Interactions with professors. Reading old issues of this paper from 1990 have made me realize we’ve been in a “crisis” since as long as anyone can remember. What was a small University with a liberal arts focus became a research factory that couldn’t complain about the internal changes even if it wanted to because it was being suffocated by Silicon Valley’s huge cock in its throat.

Rumors say that Kresge College once succeed from the University structure in the early ‘90’s in protest of the propose Long Range Development Plan (aka the thing that’s currently

“...this article is dedicated to all the TAs that told me I’d never amount to nothin’. All the dining hall staff busting me stealing some pesto pizzas when I was just tryin’ to feed my roommate. And all my fellow students in the struggle, you know what im sayin?

It’s all good baby bay-bee.” being built on Science Hill). I say “rumors” because I once heard this story in a documentary film about Kresge College I saw it my freshman year and can’t really remember very well. But according to legend (the mysterious documentary film that may or may not exist), Kresge closed off its bridge, and had ‘border patrol agents’ stationed on the outskirts, ready to ask incoming foreigners what their business in Kresge was.

Most responses would suffice, like “I have class,” or “I’m visiting a friend,” or “I am here to purchase marijuana.” Details still remain sketchy and questions unanswered, such as “How did they reintegrate back into the University” and “How the fuck were they allowed to do that?”

Still, colleges like Kresge lost their rebellious edge and blunted it down with milquetoast versions of bland liberal opinions. “Anime College Night” this wasn’t.

Even our angry youth culture has gone to the shits. Santa Cruz used to host some pretty big musical names, many of which actually played in the campus itself. To name a few, Talking Heads played their first West Coast show at UC Santa Cruz way back in 1978 at Kresge Town Hall. Of Montreal played the Cowell dining hall in the mid-2000’s twice, but then got one of their songs on an Outback Steakhouse commercial and they laughed their way to the bank those fucking sellouts. Even way back in 1997, the no-name band Radiohead played the Santa Cruz Civic Auditorium, opening for Soul Asylum (what a backward-ass line up that turned out to be.) So, Santa Cruz, what have you done for me lately? Badfish: Tribute to Sublime? Bran 182? Animal Collective playing for 20 minutes and costing way too much money at the door to get in? Is Devin the Dude gonna make his long awaited triumphant return to Santa Cruz after a much too long 3 month absense? When was the last time a mediocre-to-good level band played at this school? Despite being a pretty proper-tier alternative hip hop/spoken word act on the side, Cornel West doesn’t count.

Long gone are the days of UC Santa Cruz being on the Pentagon’s “Credible Threat” watch list. Yes, the entire school was actually on the Pentagon’s list for suspicious activity against National Security™ until someone in the Pentagon realized it’s damn idiotic to have an entire school on the terrorist watch list. Even 5 years ago, 2006, seems to be an eternity away.

Also, people used to skinny dip in the Cowell fountain. Like, on the regular.

Those were the things that made us as the crazy unconventional college we now so shallowly claim we are. So how can we keep living this lie? What can we possibly tell ourselves that won’t cause the corpse of the Santa Cruz spirit comically spin in its grave? Upper division classes are still somewhat manageable at a cool 300 students? We have a bunch of trees? Most of those trees were actually planted by the school, by the way. First Rain? We all know half the runners are wearing underwear and the other half are too busy explaining why last week’s First Rain didn’t count.

Let’s face the facts, we’re just UC Irvine’s angry younger brother, and we care way too much with That Annoying TA From Your Sociology Class (aka UC Berkeley) thinks about us. We’re UC Santa Cruz: Just Another School. I wish “the spirit of Santa Cruz” were still here, but motherfucker this aint back in the day. Things done changed.

%\ 6RORPRQ Wong

ZZZ ÀVKUDSOLYH FRP _

Photography

SHIT WE SHOT

As I walked toward Science Hill, I could feel the weight of my backpack pulling at my shoulders. I had filled my backpack with two hip flasks of vodka, a handle of cheap rum, schnapps and several 40s. That morning I could not decide just how fucked up I wanted to get.

When I was near the my friend’s house, I made the decision to get ridiculously trashed. The foot traffic on Pacific was a diverse mix: some walked to work, some were begging and others were stumbling around drunk.

Photographs by Staff

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12 | Thursday, May 19, 2011

People who live in and visit Santa Cruz can take a short walk along Pacific and end up anywhere. Or stabbed.

As one walks down Pacific, there are plenty of places to stop and take in the beauty of the city and to notice the details of what the city have to offer, like homeless people or more homeless people. What one does with their Saturday night is truly a matter of making a decision and enjoying the outcome, no matter what happens.

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Arts & Entertainment

Victor’s Guide to Mens’ Swimwear

In my years as a lifeguard and competitive swimmer, I have seen my fair share of swimming attire and learned the ins and outs of almost any ass-hugging swimwear you could imagine.

Even things I may or may not have been flaunting whilst in public. Learn from my mistakes. Choose wisely, bromosapiens.

By Victor Orozco Loves Bitches Man Thongs: Unless you have the body of Ryan Reynolds and are a stripper you shouldn’t even own one of these contraptions, much less wear it out in public as swimwear. I don’t care how confident you are or how you want to appear -- all people will think is that you are overcompensating and/or fishing for attention.

If someone wanted to look at bare male ass, they probably want to see your genitals at the same time. In addition, studies (conducted by myself) have shown no increase in hydrodynamic efficiency between

thongs and standard speedos.

Just say no to crack.

Banana Hammocks aka Mankini: Are you too much of a pussy to wear a thong or just Eurotrash?

Jammers: Are those bike shorts? Oh. Wait. You just lack the self-confidence to expose your

thighs but are on a swim team regardless. If you feel that you are tubby enough to have to cover your legs maybe being on a swim team isn’t for you quite yet. Better luck next season, stick to regular swim trunks until you can move up to nut huggers.

Speedos aka Nut Huggers: Serious fucking business.

You’re out to train.

Just remember there is a time and a placepreferably a place in which “Eye of the Tiger” is playing on repeat.

Denim Cut-offs: “Excuse me sir! You have to put your mullet in a swim cap, thank you!”

Training Shorts, aka Silkies, Ranger panties, skivvy shorts, Catch me-Fuck me’s: I am a huge fan of military issued surplus goods, and these babies can be purchased for dirt cheap. Part running short, part swim trunk; all the support of boxer briefs with the comfort of panties.

Compact enough to be underwear but without a dickhole so they can also be used as outerwear. It takes a

true hard ass to wear these bad boys.

After all, they were the outerwear of choice for Henry Rollins in his Black Flag days. You know the SEAL team that took down Bin Laden?

They wore these same shorts. Why? Because even the most steel bellied, barrel chested commando needs to give his balls a silky break after washing them with the steel bristled rifle brush in his cleaning kit.

Hipsters wouldn’t be caught dead in these, unless for ironic value. Keep these tips in mind when you’re looking for some sexy swimwear this summer.

I’ll see you and the outline of your balls on the beach, bro.

Hollywood Declares Creative Bankruptcy

By Gregory Ronquillo Actually paid for Yogi Bear During a press conference held in a parking lot outside a Los Angeles area Denny's, Hollywood collectively declared creative bankruptcy of the film industry. The movie making community had been struggling for creative ideas after the last 10 years of utter shit, so this came to no surprise to cynical onlookers.

The heads of the five major film studios -Warner Bros., Paramount, Fox, Bang Bros., and Disney -- called this press conference to finalize the creative bankruptcy the public had been speculating since the eyebrow raising release of Cats & Dogs 2: Revenge of Kitty Galore.

"Well, that's it. We've reached the bottom of the barrel," said Barry Meyer, CEO of TimeWarner as he raised a wooden barrel filled with post-it notes containing bad film plots. "Look at these crap ideas. Remake Howard the Duck?

Remake the television show Dinosaurs into a movie? That was just a rip-off of Roseanne, but with dinosaurs!" remarked Meyer.

The film industry had been burning through its creative currency when it subtly stopped coming up with new ideas roughly 15 years ago. In fact, over the last decade, only 18% of the 50 top grossing films were original creations (not sequels, prequels, reimaginings or derived from other works). The industry actually overdrew its creative bank account in

2010 when it fetishized over remaking children's superhero movies, but with a hip new edge. The result, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, slammed the industry with an overdraft fee of 50 million dollars.

"Well, we had the hottest star of last last year Michael Cera and would fill it with kitschy early '90's nintendo sounds and blew it way over budget, how were we supposed to know it wouldn't connect with modern audiences?" explained Meyer.

Not all in the movie industry see this internal failure as being the direct and obvious relation to gross incompetence and the conservative, money hungry business model. Illegal downloading, a relatively banal piracy practice,

has been blamed by some as being the underlying agent of the bankruptcy. Michael Lynton, head of Sony Pictures, issued this statement: "100% fault lies in those good for nothing fat internet nerds stealing all our good movies.

How dare they take our own artistic creations like G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and distribute it over the internet for all to see? We had a vice grip over the 'get idiots to pay big bucks to see shit movies' market, and we would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you kids!"

To remedy this situation, the Obama administration has pledged to bail out Hollywood by sending them a box filled with old Encyclopedia Brown novels, an act insiders believe should keep filmmakers afloat for years.

Steve Jobs Announces Completely New iTunes and Updated iPad

By Lauren Tomicich Likes to Party This April was a big month for Apple CEO, Steve Jobs, who proudly announced a completely new version of iTunes and an updated version of the iPad. Regarding the iTunes update, Jobs announced at an Apple Executives meeting that “This completely fresh and innovative version of iTunes keeps all of the previous settings and amenities, but has a slightly different typeface and a faintly grayer background color.” He divulged that this new iTunes will continue to store, display, and play music much like the previous version, but with a less abrasive background color. Avid iTunes user and UCSC student Evan McCasey expressed his excitement on the online Town on a Mountain forum; “Each month I excitedly await that special day when starting my computer involves a 15 minute installation and reboot.” Another student on the Town on a Mountain forum enthusiastically noted, “My computer automatically updates, so when I opened up iTunes and noticed the lighter gray background, I knew something big had happened.”

Despite the overwhelming excitement for this new iTunes version, Jobs has faced criticism from iTunes traditionalists, insisting that the

previous gray hue was absolutely the most aesthetically appealing. Jobs remained loyal to his program, and optimistically noted that the new iTunes remains very user friendly.

Although there is apparent apprehension regarding the new iTunes, the announcement regarding the iPad was very well received. Jobs began his proposal by explaining just what an iPad is: “You see, it’s an oversized iPhone that can’t make calls, and that you can’t fit in your pocket, while at the same time, it is a less powerful, less useful computer that doesn’t have the same memory or computing abilities as a MacBook.”

Apple aficionados agreed that this would be a wild success, and supported Jobs in his endeavors.

A porter student who pre-ordered the new iPad expressed her anticipation: “I can’t believe how innovative Steve Jobs is! I already have the iPhone and a MacBookPro, but the iPad is so cool and different, it’s really going to help my note taking in class.”

Town on a Mountain Press excitedly awaits more updates and pledges to keep you informed about current technology. We’d love to hear your feedback and opinions, so visit our online forum!

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ZZZ ÀVKUDSOLYH FRP _

Community & Culture

Corruption at Teapot Dome Causes Controversy

By Mark Delyani Assistant Editor

Eugene J. Cumberdale, a non-landowning male of otherwise voting age and status, started asking questions when he heard that the Naval Oil Reserve at Teapot Dome was being leased out to the Sinclair Oil Corporation, an arrangement which started in April.

“It sat with me like a tin cat on a wood roof,” said Cumberdale, a third-year Agricultural Sciences major who is also a member of the Right and Honourable Santa Cruz Society for the Advocation and Advancement of Transparency in the Matters of Governance and Business.

The Teapot Dome oilfield was designated a Navy Oil Reserve by President Taft in 1921 to ensure our launches and cutters have an adequate supply of fuel. Secretary of the Interior Albert B. Fall leased Teapot Dome to Harry F. Sinclair of Sinclair Oil in a single-bid contract of about $100,000 plus kickbacks of around $404,000.

In search of answers, Cumberdale spoke with Horatio Alois Stewart, a member of the UC Santa Cruz Planning and Budget Commission.

He was told that the implementation of these policies would bring down prices of goods for all Americans, help us be good neighbours to Latin America, and make a handsome profit off of the hyperinflation in

Weimar Germany. “While I believe that it is every American’s God-given right to make as much money as possible protecting our sphere of influence, along with fostering relations with the Orient, to show up those dastardly Bolsheviks, I must admit that I do not see how single-bid contracts fit directly into manifest destiny” stated Cumberdale.

Currently, the oil in Teapot Dome, and other Navy Oil Reserves is being tapped in a scientifically-encouraged method to ensure that both the American people get cheap oil and the Navy will have enough fuel should another war on the scale of the Great War break out because those British and Soviets are looking pretty shifty.

After hearing these developments, the SUA and executive vice chancellor Galloway politely pointed Cumberdale towards the History department, saying that they could help him more. “I am not convinced that the UCSC administration holds the conviction in their hearts to root out the source of governmental corruption,” said Cumberdale, who plans to take his case and spread awareness to UC Viscount Mark Yudof.

In an interview with TMP about the controversy, Galloway stated that the university’s official position is “the Teapot Dome scandal happened like 90 years ago... Why is the paper covering it now?”

Further congressional investigations into the Fall and corruption scandal are still pending.

East Night Core:

The Journey of a Lifetime

By Danny Brooks Rode His Bike Here SO, late one night, I was chillin in the forest above College 9 & 10, tiltin back some forties and seshin Madd bluntz with my dogz, Blake and Trey. A misty, danky fog clung to the ground, coating everything in sight with churning nebulae. I was hella tired, and hella lifted, and totes passing out, so I decided to catch the next East Night Core bus, even though I’d never ridden one, and had only the vaguest idea where it would take me. I bid my comrades “latah” and dipped to the bus stop.

I heard it before I saw it: a deep thudding bass and the occasional high-pitched feminine wail of pleasure or exaggerated dismay, sounds typically associated with a “party” or “rager.”

“Hmm” I thought, “bITch3z.”

The bus came lumbering up the hill to the C9 stop. The music (a mystifying blend of heavy psi-trance and slammin’ electro) pulsed into my head and filled me with the urge to git down. The vehicle stopped, and the thuds continued. In an orgiastic eruption of fog-machine smoke, laser lights, and human steam, the door opened and out poured a handful of young people, including one gentleman wearing only absurdly bedazzeled assless chaps, fake Ray Ban Wayfarers, and soaked in sweat, smeared lipstick, and body-paint. “Tosh?” I asked, astounded to see my long time bro-in-arms in

such a beleaguered state.

“Dude, my name is CHEVEYO, SPiRIT WARRIOR now, and I can no longer associate with impure mortals like you,” he said, as he threw up into his own hands. “Shit dude,” he said, vomit clinging to his chin, “I gotta go, I’ll see you in anthro!” Just like that, he was gone.

Needless to say, I was filled with trepidation, and considered turning around and walking when a voice called to me out of the fog.

“Don’t go — come chill with us, dude,” it said.

It belonged to the driver, whose grizzled countenance emerged bearing marks only profound wisdom could etch, whose tattered and stained wife beater reeked of sweat and maltreatment, and whose moustache was the worst.

Before I had a chance to reply, he hoisted me up by the nape of my neck like a cat. “Name’s Benjamin Beetz, I been jammin’ beetz for quite some time fella, and you just stepped aboard the East Night Psychadelic Psexual Pslamdown!”

“What the fuck?” I asked, as two scantily clad women began force feeding me peyote buttons.

“Shh baby, it’s okay,” one of them said.

The details from that point on get pretty sketchy. We wound around to College Eight, where in a blasphemous display of drug-fueled revelation I renounced bro-dom, plaid shorts, and beer pong in one teary wail. I think I got laid, and I’m pretty sure Benjamin taught me lessons about life and the universe. And I found out that Wiz Khalifa is my spirit animal.

Local Locos

Jackass Roommate Thinks He’s an Artist

By Mark Delyani Assistant Justin Bieber James Hurley, third-year majoring in Linguistics, makes some extra money for himself selling spray paint space art. Spray paint space art is the art of making fanciful pictures of the cosmos with spray paint and stencils, then selling the finished works to hippies, freshmen, and tourists.

Town on a Mountain Press: What is space art and what is its significance?

Hurley: “Space Art” is a form of visual media that is unlimited, except by the imagination of the artist and viewer. All of my work takes place in the vicinity of Rigel 7 where Space Tigers and giant Space Psychokinetic Eyes fight and frolic among the Space Pyramids. The idea is that my art moves the viewer out of the plane of existence that they are currently on, bound by neurological chemicals and The Man, and onto a sort of Space-Gondor where they give me 25 bucks for something that took me like five minutes to make when I was high last night.

TMP: Why do you consider yourself an artist?

Hurley: Because I create things. I mean, without me these pictures would just be floating around in the nega-space that is the psychic connection between all of us. I just tap into this connection and use my bodymind as a sort of psychic lightening rod to bring these images from the aether onto the paper.

TMP: Who do you think you are?

Hurley: Really, I'm like everyone and no-one at the same time. But you can call me James Hurley, space artist extraordinaire.

TMP: Who buys your shit anyway?

Hurley: Mostly stoners, freshmen and drunk European tourists. But really it appeals to everyone because I mean, everybody wants to be connected to the Oversoul and my works offer that.

TMP: Fuckers like you are killing art, asshole.

Hurley: Fuckers like you are killing the UC system. We'd have so much more money for the proposed Psychic Studies department if “journalists” like you weren't sucking up the budget.

TMP: That's it, this interview is fucking over.

Hurley: The fuck did you just hit me for!?

14 | Thursday, May 19, 2011

James Hurley making his fake-ass art.

TMP: You punch like a nine year old-- OH GOD the ear is off-limits jackass! Not cool!

Hurley: You motherfu-...

The tape recorder stops after about thirty more

seconds of what sounds like fighting.

Visit fishraplive.com to read the complete interview with James Hurley.

(GLWRULDOV

Toms For Your Pretentious Soul Budget cuts upset students, they might upset you too. Also, Prop 8 still sucks.

Town on a Mountain Press and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day %\ /DXUHQ Tomicich Likes to Party So I woke up at 6:30 freaking a.m. because the stupid campus recycling truck pulled up right outside my window and started clanking all the glass bottles and cans and paper and plastic together. Why does this school have to be so Green? I’m sick of the recycling truck waking me up 20 minutes before I would have to wake up anyway because all I could get was 8 a.m. classes because budget cuts are awful. I know I should be grateful that they even have my major, but why would they ever schedule chemistry classes at 8 am?

I went to shower in the dorms and stepped on a massive chunk of hair and slipped on a mildewy puddle because people don’t know that the shower curtain goes inside the freaking shower. Finally ready, I pack my backpack, almost forgetting my overpriced freaking iClicker. When did school get so technologically advanced? iPads, twitters, now iClickers? Enough is enough!

So then I went to the dining hall and because it was so early all they had were bagels and granola. Too bad I’m allergic to gluten and am a freak-

ing vegan, because I care about animals and shit, so all I could eat that morning was an overripe banana. God why isn’t the dining hall more sensitive to my food needs? I grabbed an orange for later and was harassed by the dining hall swiper lady for leaving with a banana and an orange, but I DGAFed and walked away quickly.

I ran over to the bus stop and waited literally 15 solid minutes for a LOOP bus and subsequently was late to class. Once inside media theatre I frantically looked for a seat and wiggled my way in front of some assholes with big backpacks. The arm rests on my chair was broken so I had no barrier between me and the overweight girl texting next to me.

The desk on my right side wouldn’t even lift up, goddamn budget cuts, no wonder that seat was empty. After class I gave up on waiting for a bus and walked all the way from media theatre back to Cowell. At least this campus keeps us active enough to fight obesity. But really, when is that freaking construction going to be done?

I’m sick of walking out of my way on that stupid pedestrian path.

I went back to my dorm to de-stress after such a long, horrible morning. I pulled out my laptop with the intention of reading TMZ and Cosmo online, but freaking Cruznet wasn’t working. I unearthed my ethernet cable and much to my dismay, there was “scheduled maintenance” today. FREAKING BUDGET CUTS. God, I decided I’d just catch up with friends and text them instead. Oh wait, theres no cell phone service in my room! UGGHH budget cuts?

I walked to the quad and called my mom to bitch at her about how awful Prop 8 was and how I’m protesting this weekend to help ensure that love is equal and shit. God if only there was less bipartisan politics and we could all just get along and Democrats could get everything they wanted.

God I think I’ll just take a nap before my discussion section. My TA won’t care if I’m late, that section is huge anyway. Thanks, Mark Yudof.

%\ 6WHSKDQLH Liao Hangs out with Victor

Of course Santa Cruz is the hot spot for fashionable philanthropy. I wouldn’t expect any less. But all I can see on a daily basis is some kind of fashion crisis in the name of compassionate consumerism. What I’m talking about is this hippy bullshit about a pair of shoes called Toms. So who is Tom and why is every bleeding heart liberal obsessed with his shoes? The story goes like this. Once upon a time, some white guy decides he wants to travel to a far away land where cars are actually feet and where the roads are paved with dirt and filth. In an epic feat, he searches far and wide and finds Argentina. To his surprise, the children there do not wear shoes! Oh, woe is Argentinean children. The white guy decides then and there that in order to be the hero he aspires to be to other rich white people, he must help these poor children! In a compassionate outreach, he starts up a company that makes shoes and for every pair sold, another pair will be matched and taken to Argentina for those poor children. And in hopefulness that these children will take on shoes as part of their lifestyle from there on out, he designed them to look like peasant shoes. Well, obviously they had to be peasant shoes.

How else would they match the rest of the outfit?

Now, take a look around under those tables. Everyone is wearing this fashionable peasant wear. And for Santa Cruz, the shoe fits. All I have to say about this trend is that those

who fill the shoes must feel pretty damn good about themselves for providing for a poor child somewhere out there. I mean, you’re paying roughly around fifty bucks (or more if you want the glittery ones!) for that feeling. So congratulations you pretentious douchebags posing as liberal do-gooders, I get it. You care about barefoot kids.

Slug Comics %\ (PP\ Ballard 'DYLG Rothstein

“And I was all, whatever Mom.”

ZZZ ÀVKUDSOLYH FRP _

Hey you! Yeah, you! Do you like undisclosed sums of cash? Or Mystery Boxes?

Do you like slogging under bridges, crawling through the mud, or starting a family? Well here’s your chance to win! Rip this page out, and check off each task as you complete it. We’ll need photos, receipts, bruises, and restraining orders as proof. Turn everything into the Fish Rap box at the Press center by Thursday, June 2. E-mail FishRapLive@gmail.com with questions. The winning team gets to choose between mystery cash or a mystery box with cool shwag inside!

Smoke in class — 2 points for cigs, 3 points for weed, 4 points for crack pipe.

Impersonate a CSO and bust a party — 5 points.

Request a cootie shot from the health center — 2 points.

Ride the 42 bus and Lewis and Clark its route — 3 points.

Workout in the gym wearing Zubaz brand pants — 1 point.

Cannonball into the Cowell fountain — 2 points.

Ride a deer — 5 points.

Get a picture with at least 3 squirrels on you — 3 points.

Eat a dining hall meal in your skivvies — 3 points.

Make out with a TA — 2 points.

Go to Streetlight Records and move every white card — 2 points.

Bring a beach ball to a lecture hall — 2 points, 4 if you can get it bouncing.

Take a picture of Pacific Street completely devoid of human life — 1 point.

Give birth to a child — 4 points + reduced FSH contract.

Get a high score on a Woodstocks arcade games and initial it FRL — 3 points.

Take a date from OKCupid to the dining hall — 4 points

Get a high score on the Pacman arcade at the vintage shoe store and initial it ASS — 3 points.

Dress up as UCSC folk hero “Super Hippie” in public — 2 points.

Get past the campus guard by showing something other than an ID — points based on creativity/ballsiness.

Get a photo of any notable administrator holding a Fish Rap — 1 points for SUA members, 4 points for real administrators.

Date a Fish Rap staffer — points per base reached.

Distribute Fish Rap to a tour group — 3 points.

Play paintball in college 9/10 — 2 points.

Start a dance party on a night bus — 4 points.

Hold a protest in Quarry Plaza against the sun — 3 points.

Find a Community Studies major — 1 point.

Paper-mâché a Fish Rap somewhere — points based on location.

Hold an emergency assembly in its designated area — 3 points

Set up a slip-n-slide in a dorm hallway — 3 points.

Send $1 cash donation (Attn: Fish Rap Live, 1156 High Street, Santa Cruz, CA 95064 — points per dollar valued.

Take a picture of the Fish Rap in a different state — points added for father states.

Create a flyer for a fictional event — 4 points if you announce this event infront of a class of atleast 100 people.

Take a picture of Angela Davis reading the Fish Rap — 4 points.

Write a poem about Fish Rap — 1 pt. for Haiku, 3 pts. for sonnet, 5 pts. for epic, 0 pts. for freeform.

Stand next to the computer lab “No Eating” sign holding a cheeseburger and a slice of pizza — 2 points.

Crash and/or take over a university tour, ask as many annoying questions as possible — 4 points.

Get internet stranger to write Fish Rap Live! on chest/boobies — 2 points.

Put “crash into me” sign on your bike -- 1 point.

Get a celebrity to sign an issue of Fish Rap Live! — 5 points for D-list and up, 1 point for loser reality stars.

Work Insane Clown Posse into an essay — 3 points.

Find spelling errors in this issue — 1 point per error, 3 for errors in article titles.

Please, oh dear please sell some ads for us because we’re so terribly broke!

We’re serious. Sliding scale for points. 1-20 pts depending on how much money you make for us.

Play a game of Hide ‘n’ Seek in the library — 3 points.

Ride a campus golf cart — 2 points.

om mail.c live@g fishrap