Volume 22, Issue 6

The Daddy Issue WEATHER

Santa Cruz, CA

IN THIS ISSUE:

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Vol. XXII, Issue 6

In this issue: CAMPUS

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“News Faux You”

Non-­cents

FINALS CANCELLED

Diploma ‘Totally Worth’ $30,000 Debt -Page 3

REAL ESTATE

$875 ‘Not That Bad,’ says Potential Housemate - Page 8

NATIONAL

California Unaware Half of Country is Now Rubble - Page 13

ECONOMY

Denny’s No Longer Hiring - Page 17

LOCAL

Graduate Moving to San Francisco, ‘Maybe L.A.’ Page 19

by Lauren Tomicich 'XH WR D VFKHGXOLQJ HUURU IURP WKH 8& UHJLVWUDU HYHU\ VLQJOH 8& 6DQWD &UX] ¿QDO ZDV VFKHGXOHG IRU 0RQGD\ -XQH WK 9LFH &KDQFHOORU IRU 6WXGHQW $IIDLUV )HOLFLD 0F*LQW\ DQQRXQFHG LQ D FDPSXV ZLGH HPDLO HDUOLHU WKLV ZHHN 0F*LQW\ H[SODLQHG WKDW 8&6& &RQIHUHQFH 6HUYLFHV KDG VLQFH VFKHGXOHG YDULRXV FKHHUOHDGLQJ FDPSV WHQQLV FOLQLFV DQG GUHGORFN FDUH ZRUNVKRSV PDNLQJ WKH PLVWDNH LUUHYHUVLEOH 0F*LQW\ IDLOHG WR FRPPHQW RQ WKH FRQVHTXHQFHV RI WKH HUURU LQFOXGLQJ VWXGHQWV¶ LQDELOLW\ WR WDNH DOO RI WKHLU ¿QDOV DQG WKXV JHW FUHGLW IRU WKH FRXUVHV WKH\ WRRN DOO TXDUWHU +HU UHDFWLRQV WR WKH FRQFHUQV DUH VDLG WR KDYH EHHQ WR ³PDNH D PRWLRQ OLNH SXOOLQJ D OHYHU DQG JRLQJ µFKD FKLQJ¶ RYHU DQG RYHU DJDLQ ´ 0DQ\ VWXGHQWV KDYH H[SUHVVHG PL[HG IHHOLQJV DERXW WKH QHZ PLQLPL]HG ¿QDOV VFKHGXOH &DVH\ 0F0LOOLDQ D 8&6& IUHVKPDQ FRPPHQWHG ³, RQO\ KDYH WR VWXG\ IRU RQH ¿QDO ZKLFK LV QLFH EXW LW NLQGD VXFNV WKDW , GRQ¶W JHW FUHGLW IRU P\ RWKHU WZR FODVVHV ´ 2WKHU VWXGHQWV DUH PRUH IRUZDUG LQ WKHLU FRQFHUQV ³, KDG WR FDOO DQG WHOO P\ PRP WKDW VKH¶OO KDYH WR SD\ IRU DQRWKHU TXDUWHU ´ &DWKHULQH %DVV¿VK D WKLUG \HDU .UHVJH VWXGHQW ZKR KDG EHHQ SODQQLQJ WR JUDGXDWH D \HDU HDUO\ FRPSODLQHG ³:KLFK , JXHVV LV VWLOO EHWWHU WKDQ H[SODLQLQJ WR KHU ZK\ , JRW D & LQ RUJDQLF JDUGHQLQJ FODVV ´

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I don't think that's actually his diploma, I don't even think Burger College is accredited.

2

6 Editors-­in-­Chief Emmy  Ballard James  Shea Managing  Editor Gregory  Ronquillo Assistant  Editor Mark  Delyani Best  Editor Nicole  Green Illustrators David  Dines,  Solomon  Wong Staff  Members Danny  Brooks,  Everest    Dillion-­Hurley,  Lindy  Edwards,  Michael  Fantauzzo,  James  Farmer,  Judyan  Gonzalez,  Samer  Hosn,  Stephanie  Liao,  Sophie  Lundeberg,  Clay  Malzkuhn,  Darlene  McCoy,  Victor  Orozco,  Chloi  Rad,   Kimberly  Reyes,  Patrick  Rooney,  David  Rothstein,  Lauren  Tomicich,  Sam  Weber,  Brendan  Woodruff Contributors Colin  Arsenault,  David  Dines,  Amanda  Vivrette $hout  Out Thank  you  to  Cowell,  Crown,   College  Nine,  and  Porter  Senates!  *Not  funded  by  Kresge  Parliament.

Join  our  ranks!

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Press  Center University  of  California,  Santa  Cruz 1156  High  Street Santa  Cruz,  CA  95064-­1077 ¿VKUDSOLYH#JPDLO FRP Fish  Rap  Mantra Vacation,  all  I  ever  wanted Vacation,  had  to  get  away Vacation,  meant  to  be  spent  alone Vacation,  all  I  ever  wanted Vacation,  had  to  get  away Vacation,  meant  to  be  spent  alone

MAY 2011

LETTER FROM THE EDITORS HEY  KIDS, Listen  up  you  little  shits.  You  may  think  you  got  rid  of  us  with  your  fee  hikes  and  your  major  cuts  and  your   stupid  "street  art"  (back  in  my  day,  we  called  vandalism  'vandalism'  and  that  was  good  enough  for  us!),  but  no-­siree!  Mommy  and  Daddy  Fish  Rap  are  just  taking  a  little  vacation  to  rest  our  old  bones.  Your  mother  wants  to  go  to  San  Franny  and  see  the  Giants  play  baseball,  and  ol'  Pop-­Pop  is  planning  on  settlin'  in  the  backyard  with  a  hammock  and  a  six  pack,  yes-­siree.  We  don't  want  none  of  you  kids  causing  a  ruckus,  or  making  trouble,  or  causing  a   campus  shutdown  while  we're  all  trying  to  get  a  little  bit  of  R  n'  R,  ya  got  me?

Now,  I  know  you're  all  a  little  bit  older  so  you  probably  want  a  bit  more  from  your  ol'  folks.  Well  even  though  moneys  tight  right  now,  your  mother  and  I  have  talked  about  it  and  next  year  we  think  we're  going  to  give  you  guys  nine  whole  issues  of  comedy  journalism.  Don't  spend  it  all  in  one  place!  Dick  jokes  don't  grow  on  trees.

Wait,  hold  on...  your  mother  wants  to  have  a  word  with  you.

HEY  KIDS,  IT'S  MOM  HERE.  I  MISS  YOU  SO  MUCH   ALREADY  AND  I  WANT  YOU  TO  KNOW  HOW  PROUD  OF  YOU  WE  ARE.  ARE  YOU  TAKING  YOUR  VITAMINS?   I  DON'T  WANNA  GET  BACK  FROM  VACATION  AND  FIND  OUT  HALF  OF  YOU  DROPPED  OUT  ON  ACCOUNT  OF  SOME  PSYCHOLOGICAL  BREAKDOWN  OR  SOMETHING.  DON'T  BREAK  YOUR  MAMA'S  HEART. Honey,  where's  the  remote?    XOXO,  Emmy  Ballard  &  James  Shea P.S.  Uncle  Greg  is  moving  out!  But  don't  worry,  he  wrote  you  a  letter  to  say  goodbye.  (Good  luck  in  DC,  Greg!  We'll  miss  you!)

My  Dearest  University  of  California,  Santa  Cruz: What  a  long,  strange  trip  it's  been.  I  honestly  can't  believe  I've  spent  four  years  in  this  wonderful  town  upon  a  mountain.  It  feels  like  just  yesterday  I  was  rushing  from  the  Porter  dining  hall  with  a  to-­go  box  back  to  my  Kresge  apartment  so  I  can  eat  alone  in  my  room  while  watching  HSLVRGHV RI 7ZLQ 3HDNV , UHPHPEHU VWD\LQJ XS DOO QLJKW WR ZULWH P\ ¿UVW FROOHJH HVVD\ ² D WKUHH SDJH VHOI LGHQWL¿FDWLRQ HVVD\ IRU P\ WRXFK\ feely  "I  can't  believe  I'm  spending  a  thousand  dollars  on  this  shit"  core  class.

7KHUH V DQ LQH[KDXVWLEOH OLVW RI TXLUN\ VQRZ ÀDNH\ WKLQJV , OO PLVV DERXW VXQQ\ VXUI FLW\ 6DQWD &UX] 'LG \RX NQRZ 6DQWD &UX] V &RZHOO Beach  was  recently  called  the  "Worst  Beach"  in  California  by  Heal  The  Bay?  I've  never  been  to  Cowell  Beach  since  I  tend  to  conscientiously  stay  away  from  situations  that  might  end  with  me  stepping  on  a  used  heroin  needle.  But  because  it's  called  "Cowell  Beach,"  it  will  always  hold  a  special  place  in  my  heart. , OO PLVV WKH 7DFR %HOO RQ 3DFL¿F RQFH UXPRUHG WR EH WKH PRVW SUR¿WDEOH 7DFR %HOO IUDQFKLVH LQ WKH 1DWLRQ , OO PLVV WKH IDFW WKDW ZKHQ WKH tattooed  arm  of  the  105  lb.  meth  addicted  graveyard  shift  employee  hands  me  my  four  Volcano  Burritos,  the  only  thing  I  can  think  is,  "Eww‌  I  heard  this  stuff  isn't  even  real  meat.  Did  he  remember  to  substitute  beans  for  rice  like  I  asked?  I  don't  think  he  washed  his  hands."  Sometimes  it's  worth  going  all  the  way  to  Vivas  Organic  Mexican  food  on  Soquel  to  pay  way  too  much  for  a  night  of  burritos  that  doesn't  end  up  with  junky's  knife  in  your  gut  or  the  taco  herp  on  your  lip.

I'm  going  to  miss  the  San  Lorenzo  river,  and  all  the  corpses  that  at  one  point  have  probably  washed  through  it.  I'm  going  to  miss  the  endless  amounts  of  Facebook  groups  urging  me  to  click  links  to  feed  children,  or  dance  for  'DUIXU 2QO\ LQ FROOHJH GRHV WKLV VRUW RI VODFNWLYLVP IXO¿OO ZKDWHYHU HPSW\ YRLGV RXU OLEHUDO JXLOW and  humanities  degrees  have  left  us  with.  I'm  going  to  miss  the  Feminist  Studies  and  American  6WXGLHV GHSDUWPHQWV IRU DJJUHVVLYHO\ SUHSDULQJ PH IRU WKH UHDO ZRUOG DQG ¿OOLQJ PH ZLWK D 0R-­ lotov  cocktail  of  rage  and  hopelessness  that  is  sure  to  make  me  unemployable  in  any  legitimate  capacity.  Whatever,  having  a  job  is  for  sell-­outs  and  Econ  Majors.  Maybe  I'll  fall  back  on  this  comedy  writing  shit  for  a  living.  Do  you  think  Ray  William  Johnson  needs  an  understudy?  What  about  the  "Leave  Britney  Alone"  guy?  It's  a  very  exciting  time  for  comedy.

I'm  gonna  miss  the  trees,  they  were  also  pretty  cool  I  guess.   But  most  of  all,  I'm  gonna  miss  the  Fish  &  Chips  from  the  Oakes  CafĂŠ.  In  Cod  We  Trust,  In  Cod  We  Lust,  Gonzo  Forever,  One  Love.*  Stay  Classy,  UCSC.  Gregory  Ronquillo Â

*This  is  a  reference  to  the  Nas  song  "One  Love",  not  that  bullshit  Bob  Marley  crap.

P.S.  Did  you  know  newspaper  makes  great  insulation  in  jackets  when  you're  bumming  outside  on  a  bench?  Now  you  know,  and  knowing  is  half  the  battle.

Starting a new business? $GYHUWLVH ZLWK The Fish Rap Live!

(PDLO ÀVKUDSOLYH#JPDLO FRP

The Fish Rap Live! May 31, 2011

Kresge College: A tiny gnome smoking weed.

New Ugly Kresge Mural A Welcome Addition to Previous Ugly Kresge Murals

3

Anarchy Loves You, But It’s Not In Love With You

by Michael Fantauzzo

by James Shea A  terrible  new  mural  and  abstract  eyesore  was  proudly  unveiled  earlier  this  month  at  popular  site  for  travesties,  Kresge.  The  design  barely  beat  out  the  next  competing  mural,  which  would’ve  consisted  of  just  piss  and  human  feces  smeared  on  the  wall.

Listen  baby.  You  know  that  I  reject  the  state,  and  that  if  we  all  worked  together  without  the  structures  of  gov-­ ernment  we  could  all  live  together  in  harmony  and  peace.  It’s  just  that  after  a  long  day,  I  expect  to  come  home  to  a  fresh  cooked  meal,  not  a  burnt  roast.

You  know  how  that  gets  me  baby.  I  can’t  control  my-­ self  when  you  make  me  this  angry.  One  minute  I’m  fresh  off  the  buzz  of  advocating  for  the  end  of  authoritarian  systems,  the  next  minute  I’m  so  angry  you  have  to  wear  sunglasses  to  work.

Listen  babe,  I  get  it.  I  shouldn’t  be  able  to  hurt  you.  We’re  soul  mates.  We  love  each  other.  I’m  an  abstract  concept  without  the  tangible  ability  to  feel  emotions.  But  even  abstract  concepts  get  upset,  especially  when  you  won’t  shut  that  stupid  baby  up.

Babe,  I’m  all  for  people  freely  developing  their  own  versions  of  right  and  wrong.  But  so  help  me  if  there  is  one  more  wrinkle  in  my  suit  pants...  Aw  come  on,  Babe.  You  know  you’re  my  baby,  babe.  I  have  the  chalk  drawings  to  prove  it.  I’ll  try  harder  not  to  get  so  rough  with  you.  Just  realize  that  while  I  want  to  get  rid  of  any  form  of  outside  authority,  it  makes  me  a  little  sensitive.  That’s  all.

NEWS BRIEFS New Hair Extension Ruffles Feathers, Wipes Out Species

‘Helmets Uncool,’ Reports Dead Bicyclist

Gaga’s ‘Born This Way’ Revolutionizes Catholic Church

by Samer Hosn

by Gregory Ronquillo

by Patrick Rooney

Students  have  been  rushing  to  their  local  salons  for  what  is  being  called  a  feather  extension.  These  extensions,  similar  to  hair  wraps  except  made  of  animal  material,  are  now  the  center  of  both  the  EPA  and  CDC’s  bureau  of  investigation.  John  Freed  of  the  EPA  explains,  “These  feathers  are  being  brought  to  the  US  from  China  and  we  have  recently  found  that  the  Chinese  are  using  the  feathers  of  the  bar-­tailed  pheasant,  an  extremely  endangered  bird  from  that  region.�  Sunshine  Divacup,  a  local  trust  fund  hippy  from  Santa  Cruz  explains  her  choice  to  wear  the  feather  extension;͞  “You  know  it’s  about  self  expression,  and  about  not  blending  in  by  wearing  something  deviant,  that  everyone  else  is  wearing.  And  like,  I  can’t  look  up  everything  I  support,  dud,  because  the  man  makes  things  all  you  know  like  ‘don’t  do  this’  and  ‘do  that.’  I’m  just  like,  if  I  wanted  to  hear  from  the  man  I’d  go  visit  my  parents  on  their  estate.  I’m  just  on  the  streets  of  Santa  Cruz  asking  for  money  in  exchange  for  beaded  necklaces  that  I  assure  won’t  make  you  look  like  an  eight-­year-­old  with  cerebral  palsy.�  The  Center  for  Disease  Control  has  warned  against  applying  these  feathers  to  the  head  after  studies  have  shown  that  these  feathers  are  increasingly  found  with  the  blood  of  the  pheasant  still  present  on  the  extensions.  Richard  Lick  from  the  CDC  ex-­ plains  “the  blood  has  a  toxicity  to  it  which  has  not  been  studied  due  to  the  rare  presence  of  this  bird.�  Preliminary  studies  point  to  possible  side  effects  such  as  an  increased  inability  to  be  individual,  jump-­how-­high  attitude,  salty  lingering  taste  in  the  mouth,  and  cerebral  palsy.

After  long  debates  about  cyclist  fashion,  air-­to-­head  mois-­ WXUH UDWLRV DQG QRQ VFLHQWLÂżF DQDO\VLV RI DHURG\QDPLFV ELF\FOH KHOPHWV KDYH RIÂżFLDOO\ EHHQ GHHPHG ÂłQRW FRRO´ E\ GHDG ELF\FOLVW Kimberly  Portland  as  she  laid  haphazardly  across  the  road  last  Thursday.  “Look  at  the  facts:  It  pats  down  my  carefully  sculpted  bed-­ head  and  makes  my  noggin  at  least  10  lbs.  heavier.  How  can  I  power  up  High  St.  and  Highland  with  this  albatross  hanging  around  my  neck?â€?  she  commented  as  her  entrails  were  carefully  collected  from  under  a  Ford  Escort’s  exhaust  pipe,  “It  just  looks  soooo  lame.â€?

Police  on  the  scene  stated  it  was  Kimberly  Portland’s  “styl-­ ish,  yet  unsafeâ€?  decision  to  not  wear  blinkers  on  her  bicycle  that  FDXVHG \HDU ROG GULYHU $OIUHG 7RHU\ WR SORZ LQWR WKH GLIÂż-­ cult  to  see  Portland  at  35  miles  per  hour.  “Illuminative  clothes  toooootally  don’t  match  my  skin  tone,â€?  replied  Portland  from  the  mangled  heap  of  bones  and  gristle  that  previously  was  her  hu-­ man  body.

The  proclamation  comes  amidst  earlier  controversies  sur-­ rounding  bicycling  in  Santa  Cruz,  particularly  last  year’s  debate  surrounding  whether  it  was  ever  acceptable  to  walk  around  town  with  your  right  pant  leg  cuffed  up. “I  know  it’s  probably  unsafe  to  ride  around  like  this  but  ev-­ eryone  knows  only  sperg-­nerds  and  leather  faced  old  people  wear  helmets,�  she  said  as  police  chalked  up  her  lifeless  body.

Luckily  for  her,  she  left  a  very  cool  looking  corpse  with  most  of  her  hair  untouched  by  the  totally  awesome  roadside  collision.

“Born  this  Way,�  the  latest  album  from  pop  star/egg  creature  Lady  Gaga,  has  instigated  widespread  and  near  total  reform  of  the  Catholic  Church.   The  phenomenon  is  already  being  described  by  some  historians  as  important  as  Martin  Luther’s  95  theses,  if  not  more  important.

The  hubbub  began  when  Cardinal  O’Reilly  watched  the  music  video  “Judasâ€?  repeatedly  for  forty-­two  hours  straight,  DQG WKHQ ZURWH DQ HVVD\ GHÂżQLWLYHO\ UHVROYLQJ HYHU\ WKHRORJL-­ cal  question  to  have  plagued  the  Church  for  the  past  thousand  years.  For  the  Archbishop  of  Canterbury,  the  moment  of  clarity  came  when  he  heard  Lady  Gaga  intoning  “Jesus  is  the  new  black.â€? “Everything  just  clicked  at  that  moment,â€?  he  said.

The  album  has  also  single-­handedly  transformed  the  Catho-­ lic  Church  into  the  gay  community’s  strongest  ally.   “Gays,  lesbians,  bisexuals  and  transsexuals  were  born  that  way,  just  like  the  Lebanese,�  declared  Pope  Benedict  XVI  to  a  cheering  crowd  of  thousands  dressed  in  rainbow-­colored  nun’s  habits  with  lobster  hats.   The  infallible  leader  of  the  Church  added,  “I  also  like  the  part  in  the  video  where  Judas  pours  a  beer  on  Lady  Gaga’s  derriere.�

After  his  speech,  worshippers  turned  the  Vatican  into  an  enormous  dance  club,  where  believers  faithfully  followed  the  dictum  to  “dance  dance  dance  with  my  hands  hands  hands  above  my  head  like  Jesus  said.�

Meanwhile,  Pastor  Rick  Warren  of  the  Saddleback  mega-­ church  has  said  that  he  “doesn’t  really  get  it,�  and  “she  should  probably  wear  more  clothes.�

The Fish Rap Live! May 31, 2011

That’s no CSO, that’s a stripper cop.

4

Freshman Written Up for Noise Violation, Murder

by Mark Delyani Late  last  week,  Stevenson  Freshman  Ernie  Lemmon  was  written  up  for  a  noise  violation  due  to  a  heated  altercation  with  his  roommate  a  little  before  midnight. “I  could  hear  them  arguing  through  the  wall,�  said  their  neighbor,  Stevenson  freshman  Lisa  Castleman.  “It  started  out  as  Ernie  yelling  at  someone  about  a  broken  downstem  or  some-­ thing,  then  more  voices  yelling,  then  a  bunch  of  really  loud  banging  sounds.�  Other  residents  of  the  hall  reported  hearing  similar  noises  coming  from  Lemmon’s  room.  “I  was  getting  pretty  annoyed  with  all  the  yelling  after  a  while,  as  it  was  really  distract-­ ing  me  from  my  studying,�  stated  hall  resident  and  well  known  spoil-­sport  Joseph  Willis,  “so  I  called  the  RA  to  get  them  to  quiet  down.�

Thinking  that  it  was  just  a  routine  noise  violation  warning,  RA-­on-­duty  Ana  Lovering  was  dispatched  to  the  room.  “I  thought  that  I  would  just  go  knock  on  the  door,  give  them  a  warning,  and  then  go  back  to  doing  homework,  but  I  could  tell  something  was  off  when  I  could  hear  everything  that  was  happening  from  down  the  hall,â€?  stated  Lovering,  “When  they  opened  the  door,  I  saw  what  looked  like  a  pair  of  arms  poorly  hidden  under  the  bed,  and  splotches  of   UHG OLTXLG RQ WKH EHG DQG Ă€RRU ´ Âł0\ ÂżUVW LPSUHVVLRQ ZDV Âľ1RW -HOO 2 VKRWV again.  Well,  it’s  a  good  thing  the  carpets  don’t  stain  easily,  or  they  would’ve  had  been  charged  a  lot  to  get  them  cleaned.â€?

Fellow  hall  residents  have  expressed  concern  about  the  possibility  that  Lemmon’s  write-­up  could  forestall  weekend  plans  to  “get  fucking  wastedâ€?  in  his  strategically  placed  dorm  on  the  farthest  end  of  the  hallway. “Everytime  somebody  gets  busted  their  places  becomes,  like,  off-­limits  for  partying  ¾FDXVH WKH\ JHW DOO SDUDQRLG DERXW EHLQJ ZULW-­ ten  up,â€?  reported  freshman  Cheryl  Porrywhirl, Â

“Especially  now  that  his  roommate’s  dead  and  he’s  got  a  super-­single.�

Because  Lemmon  was  written  up,  he  faces  a  long  judicial  process  within  just  the  Stevenson  KRXVLQJ RIÂżFH Âł:HOO KH JRW ZULWWHQ XS VR naturally  we  want  to  talk  to  him  and  get  his  side  of  the  story  before  we  decide  on  his  pun-­ LVKPHQW %XW LWÂśV KLV ÂżUVW ZULWH XS VR ZKDWHYHU we  decide  is  most  likely  going  to  be  more  of  a Â

warning  for  him  not  to  do  it  again,  rather  than  a  harsh  punishment,â€?  stated  Stevenson  Housing  Coordinator  Becky  Stewart.  “We  really  need  to  show  that  we  mean  business  when  it  comes  to  noise  policy  and  quiet  hours.â€? %HFDXVH WKLV ZDV KLV ÂżUVW SROLF\ YLRODWLRQ Lemmon  faces  either  an  afternoon  of  picking  up  trash  around  Stevenson  or  writing  an  essay  on  proper  community  behavior.

FRL! Covers Administration’s Necrophiliacs: ‘Cadaver’ App Adulterous Night Out Eases Graveyard Hookups

by David Rothstein Students  who  voted  in  the  recent  campus  HOHFWLRQV ZHUH VKRFNHG WR GLVFRYHU WKDW WKH ¿QH print  on  Measure  50  went  a  little  further  than  they  had  bothered  to  read.  To  justify  giving  the  6WXGHQW 0HGLD &RXQFLO PRUH LQÀXHQFH RYHU existing  fees,  an  additional  $514.32  per  student  was  incurred  upon  already  skyrocketing  fee  levels  to  cover  the  costs  of  the  UC  Administra-­ tors’  3rd  Annual  Spring  Barbeque.  Held  for  WKH ¿UVW WLPH LQ 6DQWD &UX] WKH EDUEHTXH LV D student-­sponsored  event  held  exclusively  for  UC  regents,  bureaucrats,  and  executives  in  celebration  of  successfully  overseeing  the  completion  of  yet  another  over-­budget  school  year.  The  UC  administrative  staff  hired  exotic  danc-­ ers,  rented  a  menagerie  of  endangered  animals,  and  reserved  the  entire  Santa  &UX] ERDUG-­ walk  for  their  private  day  of  fun.

On  Friday,  a  number  of  UC  administrators  were  seen  piling  into  Governor  Jerry  Brown’s  minivan  to  spend  the  afternoon  at  the  board-­ walk,  before  gathering  at  the  Cowell/Stevenson  dining  hall  after  hours  for  a  steak-­and-­seafood  potluck  with  vegan  options.  Around  mid-­

The Fish Rap Live! May 31, 2011

DIWHUQRRQ QRWDEOH 8& RIÂżFLDOV ZHUH VLJKWHG scampering  across  the  street  from  Boardwalk  Bowl  to  the  Arcade  for  rounds  of  drunk  laser  tag.  EVC  Alison  Galloway  was  overheard  VFUHDPLQJ Âł7DNH WKDW ELWFKHV ´ ZKLOH ÂżULQJ D plastic  laser  gun  at  Regent  Sherry  Lansing  and  $VVHPEO\ 6SHDNHU -RKQ 3HUH] As  to  what  occurred  within  the  depths  of  the  Cowell  dining  hall  later  that  evening,  we  can  only  speculate  on  the  likelihood  of  the  Spring  %DUEHTXH KDYLQJ WXUQHG LQWR D OLTXRU IUHQ]LHG balls-­to-­the-­wall  shitfest.  Mark  Yudof  and  UCSC  Chancellor  George  Blumenthal  were  ru-­ mored  to  have  sung  a  karaoke  duet  to  the  tune  of  Warren  G’s  “Regulate,â€?  and  former  Student  Regent  Jesse  Chang  was  re-­ ported  to  have  made  sexual  advances  on  at  least  three  of  the  female  Re-­ gents,  each  of  them  no  less  than  30  years  his  senior.

Despite  an  early-­morning  outing  to  Do-­ minican  Hospital  for  insulin  shots  and  stomach  pumps,  the  night  was  apparently  a  success.  In  response  to  complaints  from  student  govern-­ PHQW UHSUHVHQWDWLYHV FULWLFL]LQJ WKH DGPLQLVWUD-­ tors’  overindulgent  misuse  of  public  funds,  Gov.  Brown  shrugged,  saying,  “Haters  gonna  hate.�

by Michael Fantauzzo It’s  a  typical  Thursday  night.  Across  the  FLW\ EDUV ÂżOO XS ZLWK ORQHO\ PHQ DQG ZRPHQ looking  for  a  partner,  whether  it’s  love  they’re  seeking  or  just  a  one-­night-­stand.  But  Jeff  (who  asked  to  remain  anonymous  since  his  real  name  is  Gary  Pirter)  stays  at  home,  logs  on  to  his  iPhone,  and  accesses  an  online  database  of  people  willing  to  hook  up,  no  strings  —  or  pulse  —  attached.  Enter  the  world  of  Cadavr. “I  just  got  so  sick  of  the  grave  scene.  You  JR IURP JUDYHVWRQH WR JUDYHVWRQH Ă€LUWLQJ EXW when  it  comes  time  to  start  digging  up  the  FRIÂżQ \RX ÂżQG RXW WKH\ÂśYH RQO\ EHHQ GHDG for  2  weeks!â€?  Jeff  added,  with  a  tear  down  his  cheek:  “I’ve  been  hurt  too  many  times  before.â€? &DGDYU LV WKH ODWHVW DSS WR FDSLWDOL]H RQ WKH SURÂżWDEOH LQWHUVHFWLRQ EHWZHHQ VRFLDO QHWZRUN-­ ing  and  alternative  sexuality.  Following  on  the  footsteps  of  Grindr  (for  gay  men),  Manhunt  GPS  (for  closeted  gay  men),  and  PengPing  (for  penguins),  Cadavr  is  considered  revo-­ lutionary  on  both  a  technological  and  social  front.  While  some  think  it  is  the  climax  in  a  continuing  trend  of  complex  social  interaction  dumbed  down  to  basic  carnal  desires,  many  users  consider  the  app  as  one  step  forward  for  the  boning  rights  of  the  hopelessly  awkward,  necrophiliacs,  and  the  plain  unhookupable. “We’ve  come  a  long  way  from  the  days  when  you  had  to  have  your  living  partner  agree  to  soak  in  a  bathtub  full  of  ice  for  an  hour  before  sex,â€?  said  creator  Danny  Brokes.  “Oh  lord,  we  have  overcome.â€?

Using  GPS  and  a  secret  algorithm,  the  pro-­ gram  creates  matches  based  on  distance,  level  of  decomposition,  and  nosiness  of  cemetery  grounds  keepers.  Users  like  Jeff  (real  name  Gary  Pirter,  555-­555-­9909,  4973  Woodbury  Lane)  praise  the  readiness  with  which  many Â

corpses  have  embraced  the  new  technology. “All  I  need  to  do  is  log  on  and  bam!  I’ve  got  all  the  corpses  my  Friday  night  can  handle.  And  it’s  not  like  I  have  to  impress  them.  All  I  have  to  do  is  grab  my  shovel—I  don’t  even  have  to  get  all  dressed  up.�

As  its  popularity  grows,  many  celebrities  KDYH FRPH RXW WR HPEUDFH WKH VHUYLFH 7UDI¿F almost  shut  the  application  down  last  month  as  many  logged  onto  the  service  eager  to  hate-­ fuck  Osama  bin  Laden.

Jeff  (not  his  real  name),  like  many  other  users,  feels  a  sense  of  excitement  and  relief  for  WKH VHUYLFH Âł,WÂśV OLNH , ÂżQDOO\ FDQ EH PH \RX know.?  Except  for  the  whole  cover-­of-­darkness  thing  and  the  Formaldehyde  poisoning,  I  can  ¿QDOO\ EUHDWK HDV\ “Hey,  you’re  not  going  to  use  my  real  name,  right?â€?  he  added.

The Fish Rap Live! May 31, 2011

Is this the way to the Bagelry?

6

UC Unveils New Campus: UC Parking Structure B

by Gregory Ronquillo

The  University  of  California  is  now  a  little  bigger,  and  a  bit  more  congested.  UC  President  Mark  Yudof  announced  the  creation  of  a  new  2,000  acre  campus  called  UC  Parking  Struc-­ ture  B  in  a  press  conference  last  Thursday.  The  campus,  situated  near  the  city  of  Fresno,  offers  a  wide  array  of  departments  for  perspective  students  to  major  in  for  their  2015  graduation.  :LWK WKLV QHZ FDPSXV VWXGHQWV FDQ ¿QDOO\ achieve  the  educational  aspirations  at  the  low  price  of  just  a  few  hundred  dollars  depend-­ ing  on  what  type  of  permit  you  purchase,"  President  Yudof  told  the  media  after  the  an-­ nouncement.  Adding,  "We'll  have  tons  of  new  majors  like  Blocky  Architecture,  Smog  Check  Science,  Vacancy  Algorithms,  Straight  Line  Painting,  and  Community  Studies."

The  new  campus  will  have  four  entrances Â

from  each  cardinal  direction,  with  roads  leading  to  one  massive  building  parking  lot  structure  that  is  said  to  only  be  full  about  half  the  time.  The  campus  also  has  one  super  secret  parking  lot  that,  according  to  a  cool  anony-­ PRXV VRXUFH WKH 7$3V RI¿FHUV KDUGO\ HYHU check.

The  creation  of  a  new  campus  focused  completely  on  being  a  receptacle  for  commut-­ ing  students'  cars  signals  the  climax  to  a  long  standing  shift  in  key  goals  from  increasing  academics  to  building  more  parking  structures.  "Well,  we've  been  using  student  tuition  to  build  more  parking  lots  for  about  20  years  now,  since  parking  permits  are  actually  the  most  SUR¿WDEOH WKLQJ IRU WKH 8& ZH WKRXJKW ZH G just  go  all  out  with  this  next  one,"  commented  UC  President  Mark  Yudof.  "With  this  new  campus,  we  hit  it  out  of  the  park  –  the  parking  lot."

UC Parking Structure B, like most of the campus, was built on an Indian burial ground.

This Week in News

Progressives Make Considerable “Progress�

by Lindy Edwards For  the  students  involved  in  the  Progressive  Stu-­ dent  Alliance  of  Santa  Cruz,  there  will  be  much  cause  for  celebration  this  memorial  day  weekend.  After  several  quarters  of  hard  work  involving  writing  radical  messages  across  the  school  in  sidewalk  chalk  and  refusing  to  be  kept  down  by  “the  manâ€?,  these  idealistic  VWXGHQWV KDYH ÂżQDOO\ DFKLHYHG RQH RI WKHLU primary  goals:  not  being  ignored.  The  students’  joy  was  obvious  when  they  saw  their  name  in  the  Santa  Cruz  Sentinel.     Rob  Boll,  a  sophomore  at  Kresge  College, Â

ADVERTISEMENT

excitedly  tells  us  how  much  this  means  for  the  progressives  in  Santa  Cruz.  “This  is  such  a  major  stride,â€?  he  says  gesturing  to  the  article,  “and  I  think  that  everyone  needs  to  embrace  what  we  stand  for:  power  to  the  people  and  the  end  of  capitalism  and  stuff  like  that.â€?  When  asked  what  the  Progressive  Student  Alliance  planned  to  do  now  that  they  were  published  in  the  Sentinel  were,  Boll  once  again  lights  up.  “It’s  just  that  people  are  so  convinced  that  capitalism  is  the  only  way  to  do  things,  you  know?  We  want  to  really  get  SHRSOH WRJHWKHU VR ZH FDQ DOO EH PRUH XQLÂżHG and  change  things.  Maybe  make  some  signs  and  t-­shirts.â€?     The  article  itself  is  two  paragraphs  long,  describing  how  the  UCSC  maintenance  staff  KDV WR GHDO ZLWK WKH JUDIÂżWL OHIW E\ VWXGHQWV involved  in  the  socialist  group.  A  picture  of  a  janitor  cleaning  some  chalk  off  of  classroom Â

Man, look at this creative white space.

Whirling Durbin Loses American Idol

by Samer Hosn Santa  Cruz  hosted  local  American  Idol  ¿QDOLVW -DPHV 'XUELQ IRU D ZHOFRPH KRPH concert  with  over  30,000  fans  in  attendance.  'XUELQ ÂżQLVKHG IRXUWK RQ WKH WHQWK VHDVRQ RI the  hit  show.  'HVSLWH KDYLQJ ERWK WRXUHWWH DQG DVSHUJHU syndrome,  or  as  doctors  call  it  “a  person  you  GRQÂśW ZDQW WR VKURRP ZLWK ´ 'XUELQ ZRQ WKH hearts  of  people  all  over  he  country  with  his  glam-­rock  karaoke  impressions  of  such  ob-­ VFXUH KLWV DV Âł'RQÂśW 6WRS %HOLHYLQJ ´ “I  was  very  disappointed  because  LEMUR  RI KRZ FORVH *5$3( , ZDV WR ZLQQLQJ ÂżQH I’ll  stop  with  the  obvious  humor  –Samer)  the  WLWOH RI $PHULFDQ ,GRO ´ VD\V 'XUELQ Âł , FRXOG have  been  in  the  same  ranks  as  superstars  who  have  also  won  American  Idol  like  Kris  Allen  DQG /HH 'HZ\]H , DGPLUH WKHLU FDUHHUV DQG want  to  follow  in  the  footsteps  of  their  vast  success.â€?  $OWKRXJK KH GLG QRW WDNH WKH JROG 'XUELQ ZLOO JR RQ WKH $PHULFDQ ,GRO ÂżQDOLVW WRXU

The Fish Rap Live! May 31, 2011

unit  two  is  what  seems  to  excite  the  students  the  most.  Freshman  Britney  Morgan  tells  us  that  the  part  you  can  see  in  the  photo,  reading  “Educa,â€?  clearly  means  “Education  Isn’t  Just  For  the  Richâ€?,  though  the  janitor  doesn’t  look  as  thrilled  about  it  as  Morgan  does.  “Everyone  will  be  able  to  see  just  how  much  we’ve  done  for  the  school  now,  we  have  a  picture!â€?  she  exclaims.  “The  guy  in  the  foreground  is  only  there  to  demonstrate  how  the  masses  are  op-­ pressed.  They  can  throw  us  in  jail  or  write  us  up,  but  we’ll  be  martyrs  for  our  cause.â€?     When  we  found  that  Morgan  had  been  writ-­ ten  up  a  few  days  after  interviewing  her,  she  reported  that  it  “sucked  balls.â€?   Â

which  attracts  tens  of  hundreds  of  people  wear-­ ing  the  latest  Blue  Light  fashions.  “I’m  gonna  miss  everyone  on  the  show,  especially  the  mentors  like  Lady  Gaga,  he  was  great.  That  guy  really  knows  what  he  is  doing.  The  judges  were  awesome  too,  you  have  that  hot  chick  from  that  one  band,  that  one  guy  who  doesn’t  sing  and  looks  like  a  thumb,  and  I  had  Jennifer  Lopez  critiquing  my  singing  ability,  it  really  furthered  my  knowledge  as  a  singer.�

When  asked  about  if  he  feels  the  quality  of  the  show  is  sustaining  itself  without  judge  Si-­ PRQ &RZHOO 'XUELQ H[SODLQHG WKDW KLV DOOHUJ\ to  peanuts  made  him  glad  to  see  Cowell  go,  as  Cowell  is  known  to  smuggle  2  peanuts  under  his  shirt  at  all  times.

Come on, look at it!

I’m not drunk, OK, the proper term is “robo-tripping.�

FRL! Investigates: UCSC Conferences

by Sophie Lundeberg If  there’s  one  thing  I’ve  learned  about  college  so  far,  it’s  that  the  uni-­ versity  loves  throwing  events.  Speaker  events,  charity  events,  workshop  events,  whatever  it  is  that’s  always  happening  in  the  Music  Center  that  clogs  up  the  parking  lot  and  sets  up  that  stupid  roadcheck,  and  espe-­ cially  conferences.

In  the  spirit  of  a  university  that  re-­thinks  capitalism,  everything  at  the  Bruce  Initiative  on  Rethinking  Capitalism  conference  was  free.  The  lectures,  food,  and  mediocre  red  and  white  wines  intentionally  sugar-­ coated  the  fact  that  everything  else  costs  a  lot  of  money.  The  presenta-­ WLRQ ZDV VR QLFH WKDW \RX FRXOG KDUGO\ WHOO IURP WKH ¿UVW GD\ VRLUHH WKDW 2008  was  the  economic  apocalypse  and  that  if  any  of  the  lecturers  tried  teaching  at  UCSC,  they  wouldn’t  even  have  a  department.

No  one  in  a  post-­capitalist  society  complains  about  alcohol.  Shut  up,  get  drunk,  be  happy.  This  isn’t  Napa.  Go  buy  yourself  an  education,  because  no  one  else  is  gonna  do  it  for  you.  As  you  may  have  guessed,  I  drank  heavily  at  the  capitalism  conference. $IWHU WKH EDUWHQGHU ZRUGOHVVO\ ÂżOOHG P\ JODVV IRU WKH WKLUG WLPH , NQHZ LW ZDV D VSHFLDO PRPHQW , ZDV RIÂżFLDOO\ GUXQN IURP 8& VSRQ-­ sored  alcohol.  I  like  to  say  I  drank  off  the  chancellor’s  tab,  and  next  time  I  see  him  ‘round,  I’ll  be  telling  him  about  Gingrich  Hills.

What  do  awkward  intellectuals  do  at  conferences?  They  mingle.  They  talk  about  the  economy  and  make  references  to  the  Economist  and  the  New  York  Times.  So  that’s  what  I  did.  I  don’t  want  to  sound  full  of  it,  but  I  can  mingle  like  a  1st-­class  political  escort,  like  the  ones  that  bang  senators  and  IMF  presidents.

Now  if  you  had  actually  seen  me  at  the  conference,  you  would  have  seen  a  drunken  chick  in  banana  slug  sweatpants  laughing  loudly  and  swaying  like  a  chandelier  (Hey,  school  spirit!!!  I  had  practice!).  I  never  chanced  to  converse  with  the  delegates  from  Australia,  Scotland,  or  UCLA,  and  indeed  I  never  mingled  with  anyone  over  the  age  of  21.  I  considered  asking  the  chancellors  for  a  threesome,  but  I  never  got Â

around  to  it.  I  did  get  Kim  Stanley  Robinson,  the  author  of  Red  Mars,  WR VLJQ P\ VFL ¿ OLWHUDWXUH FRXUVH V\OODEXV EXW , GLGQœW DFWXDOO\ PLQJOH with  him.

After  the  clean-­up  crew  politely  gave  the  stragglers  and  me  the  “get  the  fuck  outâ€?  look,  I  ambled  down  Terra  Fresca’s  steps  and  into  the  9/10  Dining  Hall.  Thinking  I  recognized  two  guys,  I  plopped  down  in  the  nearest  chair,  only  then  asking  if  I  could  join  them.  “It’s  the  apocalypse,â€?  I  told  them  when  they  asked  me  why  I  was  VORVKHG DQG , FODULÂżHG Âł,WÂśV WKH DSRFDO\SVH RI FDSLWDOLVP :HÂśUH XVKHU-­ ing  in  this  new  era:  it’s  called  post-­capitalism.  You  don’t  yet  realize  it’s  happening,  just  like  a  fat-­ass  shart,  and  neither  did  the  people  in  the  *UHDW 'HSUHVVLRQ ,Q ÂżIW\ \HDUV \RXÂśOO EH UHDGLQJ DERXW LW LQ KLVWRU\ books!â€?

The  guys  were  wanted  to  know  what  post-­capitalism  looked  like.  I  repeated  myself  and  told  them  it  looked  like  a  huge-­ass  shart.  “Or  like  the  Kresge  co-­op,�  I  added,  “You  know,  like  where  everyone  works  together,  raises  each  others’  kids  and  weed  and  animals,  and  eats  stuff  that  looks  like  waste  products  of  all  three.�

The  next  day  I  skipped  my  math  class  and  returned  to  the  capital-­ ism  conference,  where  I  did  math  homework  and  compared  fruit  with  the  neighboring  dining  hall.  Other  than  its  presentation,  it  was  the  same  fruit  in  both  places,  so  it  represented  consumerism  in  a  way.  I  deduced  that  the  Mediterranean  food  served  Friday  was  a  repeat  of  dinner  at  Cowell  on  Thursday.  I  also  learned  about  capitalism!

I  think  I  learned  enough  between  my  munching  and  gulping  to  sound  medium-­cool  in  a  conversation  with  an  political  economist  pro-­ fessor,  provided  he  or  she  was  stoned.  But  the  principle  lesson  was  not  in  economics,  but  in  epistemology.  I  learned  that  the  best  way  to  get  motivated  to  learn  is  to  be  fed  alcohol.  Don’t  get  too  swashted,  just  get  a  little  tipsy,  and  see  how  much  you  enjoy  learning.  Alcohol  and  educa-­ tion  are  the  two  reasons  you  came  to  a  four-­year,  so  why  not  mix  them? Â

Next Issue: The Importance of Hanging a Tapestry Above Your Bed

Disaster Picnic The  Exclusive Hosni  Mubarak Resignation Medallion in  .999  Solid Fine  Gold

by David Dines

Overheard  in  Santa  Cruz

7

Whatever happened to discreet conversation? We’ve got our ears on you. And you’ve got your mind in loud, perverted, irreverent, insightful, idiotic, and generally inappropriate gutters. Welcome to “Overheard in Santa Cruz.�

Guy: “I just came from Motiv, it’s hard to move from one door to another.�

Bartender: “Really, they have a lot of people?�

Guy: “No, just a lot of fat people.�

At a bar 5/27/11 “Damn, the ocean looks huge from here.�

Girl at East Remote Bus Stop 5/25/11 “I think it’s so funny when guys I don’t even know tell me how smart I am. It’s like, why are you even telling me that we’ve never had a conversation? I’m such a heartbroken mess and I have a sinus infection. I think I might drop out.

I have a group of people together already to get drunk with after my midterm today.�

Girl at Owl’s Next 5/18/11 Man 1: “Lots of kids on the bus today, are they yours?�

Man 2: “Just one, we’re on a field trip. I’m volunteering at the school.�

Man 1: “Oh wow. How old are they? 7?�

Man 2: “Yeah, 7! How did you guess?�

Man 1: “I took one home, cut him open with a chainsaw and counted the rings.�

Middle-Aged Men on the 71 Bus 5/21/11 “I’ll carry her to, um, uhh, that wet stuff.�

Man Gesturing to Beach 5/23/11 “Did that seagull just puke into that trash can?�

Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk 5/23/11 “So last Thursday I totally discovered that making out is so much better drunk.�

Chick in Press Center 5/29/11 “It’s just like in Biology, man. Don’t commit animal cruelty. I don’t want to piss off the universe, I don’t know what’s out there.�

Outside Porter Dining Hall 5/14/11 “She’s like an ‘80’s business power-woman meets a 2006 Am Appy hipster meets a sitcom grandma character meets the world’s skinniest BBW model.�

Press Center 5/30/11 “Ugh can you kids please be quiet? Some homeless people are trying to sleep.�

Homeless Woman on Pacific Avenue 5/03/11 “Macho Man died after crashing his car into a tree. His neck snapped like a Slim-Jim OOOOH YEAHHH.�

McHenry Library 5/14/11 Hear something stupid? email fishraplive@gmail.com

The Fish Rap Live! May 31, 2011

Life Goal: To puke up the Merrill hill.

8

Why the Fuck Are You Still Talking?: Where are you studying abroad next year?

“Australia  or  England,  I  really  don’t  want  to  learn  a  new  language.�

Samantha  Weber 2nd-­Year,  Linguistics

Dear Marxist Kid from Class, Oh  Marxist  Kid,  why  are  you  in  discontent?  No  matter  what  is  said  in  lecture  you  are  by  no  means  impressed!  You  scoff,  and  roll  those  big  doe  Socialist  eyes  of  yours  to  the  back  of  the  room.  You’ve  already  read  this  piece  of  Communist  literature,  and  probably  any  other  one  the  professor  could  bring  up!  This  sounds  frustrating  my  future  radical  Democrat  –  your  heart  sinks  DV \RX Âż[DWH XSRQ D JLUO LQ WKH IURQW JRRJOLQJ Âł\RX HVV HVV DUU ´ Oh  Marxist  Kid,  why  are  you  at  UCSC?  You  probably  could  have  gone  to  UCSB,  or  maybe  even  UCLA!  You  read  that  article  about  how  the  land  of  Slugs  was  a  main  source  of  counter-­culture  and  thought,  “Finally!  A  place  where  , FDQ FRQYHUVH ZLWK RWKHUV DERXW WKH EHQHÂżWV RI VWDWH UXQ enterprises!â€?  But  you  sadly  realized  like  all  branded  cliques,  the  Socialists  rarely  have  a  real  interest  in  what  they  claim.  At  the  least  the  girls  are  cute,  am  I  right?  (Actually  I  don’t  know  any  Socialist  girls.)

Oh  Marxist  Kid,  how  do  your  meetings  go?   I’m  UHDOO\ TXLWH FXULRXV , DOZD\V VHH \RXU Ă€\HUV DQG ZRQGHU what  goes  on.  Do  you  guys  actually  talk  about  politics,  or  is  it  just  an  excuse  to  get  crunk  and  party  like  it’s  1917?  Do  you  bake  cakes  in  the  shape  of  famous  revolutionaries?  Do  you  listen  to  punk,  or  19th  century  Russian  folk  music?   Are  you  given  unrealistic  quotas  for  alcoholic  consumption?  Remember  my  leftist  friend:  comrades  don’t  let  comrades  drive  drunk.  2K 0DU[LVW .LG NHHS ÂżJKWLQJ WKH JRRG ÂżJKW :LWKRXW \RXU courageous  exploits  I  may  have  considered  joining  your  ranks.  Then  I  realized,  I  am  much  too  lazy,  and  oh  yeah  –  capitalism  is  pretty  swell  too. Â

With Love, A Curious Observer Dear Girl with the Puppy on the Knoll,

“Africa.  It’s  a  really  diverse  country.�

Erica  Meyers 3rd-­Year,  Anthropology

I  really  really  really  really  really  really  wish  we  were  friends.  Like  I’ve  seriously  contemplated  walking  up  to  and  just  pretending  like  we  know  each  other  from  some  past  quarter’s  section.  I’ve  listened  to  hear  your  name  from  other  people  walking  by,  in  hopes  if  I  say  it  too,  and  approach  you,  you’ll  let  me  pet  that  puppy.   Seriously  what  is  that?  Is  that  a  Goldendoodle?  Labradoodle?  Golden-­ beagle?  Or  one  of  those  fancy  designer  GRJV WKDW PDNH VFLHQWL¿FDOO\ WKH FXWHVW fucking  animals  that  ever  lived.   I  bet  its  breath  smells  like  puppy.  I  bet  its  body  smells  like  puppy.  I  bet  its  real  soft  and  wouldn’t  even  care  if  I  held  its  paw  and  pretended  like  it  was  my  puppy.   Why  would  you  do  this  to  me,  Girl,  I  can’t  fucking  take  it  anymore,  I’m  go-­ ing  over  there,  I  sincerely  hope  your  name  is  Ashley.

With Love, Me “UC  San  Diego�

Chad  MoTricep 1st  Year,  Business  Management  Economics

“Outside  her  window.�

Pepe  le  Pew 4th-­Year,  Literature

The Fish Rap Live! May 31, 2011

Dear City of Santa Cruz, Do  you  realize  how  much  money  having  a  UC  campus  pumps  into  your  shitty  little  marijuana  loving  hippie  infested  city?   Do  you  think  anyone  would  know  where  the  fuck  you  were  if  there  wasn’t  a  school  of  higher  education  and  a  shit  ton  of  students  moving  to  this  god  forsaken  town?   Without  us  all  you’d  be  known  for  is  an  overpriced  Boardwalk  and  Marianne’s  ice  cream  (1020  for  life!)   Well  it’s  time  you  gave  something  back  to  us,  this  is  no  longer  a  one  ways  street,  (a  street  where  students  are  most  likely  hitch-­hiking  barefoot  while  wearing  fucking  fedoras).   It’s  time  you  gave  us  a  decent  concert  venue,  where  real  bands  play,  or  a  real  dance  club,  or  even  just  a  bar  where  vagrants  don’t  stab  us.  I  realize  that  you  think  every-­ one  who  comes  here  is  perfectly  content  sitting  gawking  at  a  tall  fucking  redwood  for  four  years  of  our  lives,  but  I’ve  had  enough.  Give  me  something  to  do  on  a  rainy  Saturday  night,  you  fucking  hippie  city.

With Love, UCLA Reject

Dear Guy Who Wears a Fedora Around Campus, I  understand  that  there  are  times  and  places  when  it  is  ok  to  wear  a  fedora.  During  the  1920s  and  1930s  would  have  been  one  of  those  times,  and  if  you’re  in  WKH ,WDOLDQ PD¿D LW ZRXOG EH YHU\ DSSURSULDWH There  was  even  a  time  a  few  years  ago  when  fedoras  were  kind  of  cool  because  not  everyone  ZRUH WKHP +RZHYHU \RX DUH QRW LQ WKH PD¿D and  therefore  you  look  like  a  douche  who’s  trying  too  hard  to  get  girls  to  notice  you.  Yes,  we  notice  the  fedora,  and  no,  it’s  not  because  we  think  that  you’re  a  stud.  We  notice  the  fedora  because  you’re  sitting  alone  in  the  dining  hall  eating  a  slice  of  pizza  wearing  a  stupid  hat  and  an  LOO ¿WWHG VXLW FRDW Please  take  it  off.

Newsboy  caps  aren’t  ok  either.

With Love, Girls Who Don’t Like Pretentious Hats 'HDU 8UEDQ 2XWÀWWHUV Are  you  post-­modern?

I  mean  I  understand  that,  yeah,  of  course  you  are  to  some  extent.  Your  faux-­makeshift  shelvings,  pretend  amateur  designs,  and  intentionally  shitty  cameras  are  all  really  cool  comments  on,  like,  the  construction  of  the  image  or  whatever.  But  sometimes  I  think  you  guys  are  like,  really  really  going  all  out.

Like  I  get  that  the  whole  mustache  thing  is  “ironic,�  but  is  it  also  like  double-­ironic  since  it  hasn’t  been  funny  or  relevant  in  at  least  six  years?  Is  your  other  ironic  quirky  products  self-­aware  of  how  they  project  the  image  of  “I  have  a  shallow  personality�?

When  you  guys  put  classic  hip-­hop  icons  such  as  Biggie  next  to  your  latest  pug-­in-­wayfarers  t-­shirt  or  your  new  reprint  of  a  Belle  &  Sebastian  LP,  supposed  to  induce  a  level  of  dis-­ sociation  strong  enough  to  cause  permanent  ego  death?  Like,  is  that  the  joke?

And  why  do  you  guys  have  so  many  Tucker  Max  books?

With Love, I Still Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Get It Dear Sand, How  is  there  so  much  of  you?   There  are  so  many  little  sand  particles  on  my  feet,  I  wish  I  knew  a  theorem  to  count  all  of  you.   You  remind  me  of  the  amazing  eroding  power  of  the  PLJKW\ RFHDQ <RX NQRZ KRZ SHRSOH VD\ WKHUH DUH PDQ\ ÂżVK in  the  sea?   Well  I  bet  there  are  even  more  sand  sediments  in  the  sea.   You  remind  me  of  the  desert  and  the  beach  simultane-­ RXVO\ \RX UHPLQG PH RI KDYLQJ FKDIÂżQJ OHJV DQG VKLW VWXFN LQ my  eye.  Sand,  thanks  for  being  so  tiny  and  abundant.   Sand,  you  rock! Â

With Love, Dr. Temperance â&#x20AC;&#x153;Bonesâ&#x20AC;? Brennan

Dear Raccoons, You  guys  think  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  so  cool  when  you  scurry  around  looking  for  garbage  to  eat.  Everyone  thinks  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  cute  but  I  see  past  your  bullshit  racoons  and  have  one  thing  to  say,  watch  out  EHFDXVH LWV IXFNLQJ UDFRRQ VHDVRQ LQ P\ KRXVH 6DGO\ ÂżUHDUPV are  not  allowed  on  campus,  so  I  have  to  resort  to  kicks,  because  ZK\ ZRXOG , JHW P\ KDQGV GLUW\ WRXFKLQJ \RX ÂżOWK\ YHUPLQ when  I  can  just  punt  you  bitches  back  to  hell  where  you  belong.  You  furry  bastards  will  never  get  leftover  garbage  pizza  before  me  again.

With Love, Frustrated 55 Meal Plan Holder

You ever see that Dragonball Z/ Sailor Moon porno? Haha, yeah, me neither.

Queekly Queer Quorner Quolumn

by Michael Fantauzzo Dear  QQQQ, Every  time  I  get  drunk  and  pass  out,  which  is  a  lot  (THETA  CHI!!!!!),  my  roommates  always  draw  dicks  on  my  face.  Does  this  make  me  gay?

-­Confused  On  Cowell  Friendsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;  Aggressive  Coloring  Endeavors Dear  COCFACE,  7KH RQO\ WKLQJV WKDW FDQ ³PDNH´ \RX JD\ DUH JHQHV IHWDO KRUPRQHV RU FKRRVLQJ WR EH DURXQG WKH DJH RI 2WKHU WKDQ WKDW WKH SHQLVHV WKHPVHOYHV ZRQ W PDNH \RX JD\ 8Q-­ OHVV , FRXOG XVH PRUH LQIRUPDWLRQ DERXW \RXU VLWXDWLRQ :HUH WKHVH VLPSOH OLQH GUDZLQJV RU FKDON RXWOLQHV RI WKHLU SHQLVHV WKH\ WUDFHG RQ \RX OLNH DW D FULPH VFHQH" $UH WKHUH FRQFXUUHQW EDOOV DWWDFKHG WR VDLG GLFNV" $UH WKHVH GUDZLQJV GHWDLOHG HQRXJK WR GHWHFW WKH SUHVHQFH RI YHLQV SXELF KDLU RU IRUHVNLQ" 7R EH FOHDU VFLHQWLVWV KDYH QDUURZHG GRZQ D VHW RI VSHFL¿F FULWHULD DV SDUW RI WKH ZRUN RI WKH &UXLVH 7UDYROWD 6HDFUHVW ,QVWLWXWH IRU 5RFN +DUG 6H[XDO 6HFXULW\ +HUH DUH VRPH RI WKHLU ¿QGLQJV ,W LVQ W JD\ LI WKHUH V YLGHR RI LW LW WDNHV SODFH RQ D -HZLVK +RO\ GD\ RQH JX\ LV ELJJHU WKDQ WKH RWKHU LW V LQ D %ULWLVK ERDUGLQJ VFKRRO LQ WKH WK FHQWXU\ \RX GRQ W XVH D FRQGRP WKHUH V D )DUUDK )DZFHWW SRVWHU LQ WKH URRP LW V LQ D ]HUR JUDYLW\ VLWXDWLRQ LI \RX ORRN DW JD\ SRUQ $OWKRXJK LW LV LI \RX watch   JD\ SRUQ

...if  you  don't  look  each  other  in  the  eye,  unless  you                 lock  eyes  the  entire  time. ....you  don't  say  No  Homo  (it  should  be  obvious).

1RZ VXUH WKHUH DUH VRPH QXDQFHV 6FLHQWLVWV KDYH \HW WR WDFN GRZQ WKH H[DFW QXPEHU RI VKRWV ZKHUHLQ ³LW´ FHDVHV WR EH JD\ $W VKRWV LW GH¿QLWHO\ LV JD\ DW LW PRVW GH¿QLWHO\ LV QRW ,Q EHWZHHQ LV ZKDW 6XSUHPH &RXUW -XVWLFH 5REHUW -DFNVRQ UHIHUUHG WR DV WKH ³]RQH RI WZLOLJKW´ LQ WKH ODQG-­ PDUN FDVH RI <RXQJVWRZQ 6WHHO &R Y +HOS 0H 6WUHWFK 0\ +DPVWULQJV 86$ &ROORTXLDOO\ WKLV LV NQRZQ DV WKH JOD]HG GRQXW KROH %XW UHVW DVVXUHG \RX UH OLNHO\ QRW JD\ , PHDQ XQOHVV \RX GR VRPHWKLQJ FUD]\ REYLRXV OLNH EH D JR JR GDQFHU ZKR FKLFNHQHG RXW DIWHU RQH QLJKW \RX UH QRW JD\

(Another) Weekend at Fanime

by James Farmer & Chloi Rad

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Dear  QQQQ, Where  can  I  meet  queer  ladies  in  Santa  Cruz  other  than  at  the  Cantu  Center?  Because  I'm  not  walking  up  the  hill  to  Merrill.

-­Lazy  Wants  to  Lick Yo  LWL, 7KH &DQWX &HQWHU LV D JUHDW SODFH WR VWXG\ KDQJ RXW DQG PHHW IHOORZ TXHHU IRON %XW , XQGHUVWDQG WKDW ZDONLQJ XSKLOO LV WKH ZRUVW +RZHYHU QRW EHLQJ D OHVELDQ P\VHOI +RPH 'HSRW FRQIXVHV PH WRR PXFK P\ DGYLFH KHUH LV OLPLWHG ,I , ZHUH \RX , ZRXOG UXQ IRU &RQJUHVV DV D 5HSXEOLFDQ 0DNH VXUH \RX UH SUR IDPLO\ YDOXHV 7KHQ OHW WKH JDOORQV RI SXVV\ DQG PHWK ZDVK RYHU \RX ,I IRU VRPH UHDVRQ \RX PLVV WKH ¿OLQJ GHDGOLQH WR UXQ IRU RI¿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­ QLWLRQ 6RPH RI P\ EHVW UHODWLRQVKLSV KDYH EHHQ ZLWK JX\V ZLWK KDUHOLSV ZKR QHYHU ZDWFKHG $UUHVWHG 'HYHORSPHQW 2U \RX FRXOG MXVW JR WR WKH &DQWX &HQWHU %XW ZDONLQJ VXFNV

9

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End Your School Year with a Bang!

by Kimberly Reyes

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The Fish Rap Live! May 31, 2011

Put some sunglasses on that dolphin. Aw yeaaah, now weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re cooking.

10

California Bumminâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;

by Lauren Tomicich

Summer Chasers

by Samer Hosn

As  the  legal  drinking  age  has  stayed  consistent  for  generations,  the  actual  age  of  people  who  drink  is  constantly  declining.  Younger  people  have  a  much  stronger  network  of  taste-­buds  and  are  more  sensitive  to  the  sting  and  burn  of  alcohol.   This  natural  phe-­ nomenon  has  encouraged  a  new  generation  of  so  called  â&#x20AC;&#x153;chasers.â&#x20AC;?  Historically  alcohol  was  drank  â&#x20AC;&#x153;straight-­upâ&#x20AC;?  or  â&#x20AC;&#x153;on  the  rocksâ&#x20AC;?  but  those  days  are  over.  As  exclusively  reported  by  FRL!,  students  have  been  observed  using  various  chasers,  whilst  observ-­ ing  at  a  local  social  event  thrown  by  a  group  of  third  year   females  living  off  Pendegast  Avenue  on  the  Westside.  These  students  often  chose  to  chase  alcohol  with  alcohol,  typically  a  light  beer  or  a  mixed  drink  to  push  down  their  shots  of  Milaro.  FRL!  does  not  advocate  this  action  and  has  a  few  suggestions  on  masking  the  Diablo  farts  that  follow  an  ounce  and  a  half  of  alcohol  with  these  fun  summer  chasers.

Summer Cranberry Juice *RRG IRU FKDVLQJ :KLVNH\ DQG 9RGND

Chocolate Soy Milk +HDU PH RXW KRPLHVÂŤ 9RGND KDV EHHQ LQ :KLWH 5XVVLDQV WKH GULQN QRW WKH SHRSOH

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The Fish Rap Live! May 31, 2011

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  summer  time!  A  season  of  relaxation,  fun,  sun,  reuniting  with  your  best  pals,  and  being  bored  as  shit  in  your  podunk  east-­of-­bumfuck  California  hometown.

Fishrap  is  kind  enough  to  have  created  you  a  guide  of  really  awesome  fun  things  to  do,  even  in  the  most  horrible  of  places.  Just  remember,  if  Aunt  Erma  calls  and  wants  you  to  help  decorate  her  collection  of  handknit  dolphin  sweaters,  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  still  taking  those  â&#x20AC;&#x153;feminazi  studiesâ&#x20AC;?  with  Bill  Ayers.

1.  Apply  For  Jobs!

There  is  no  better  waste  of  time  than  applying  for  a  low-­level  service  summer  job.  If  you  like  giving  out  your  social  security  number  and  making  small  talk  with  people  who  have  no  intention  of  hiring  you,  then  this  is  the  thing  for  you.  Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  no  better  way  to  spend  your  summer  than  acting  curtious  and  non-­ threatening  to  fat  â&#x20AC;&#x153;I  canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  believe  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  not  from  the  mid-­westâ&#x20AC;?  locals  with  inironic  fanny  packs  and  decade  old  Crocs.  While  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  stressing  over  not  being  employed,  you  should  make  a  resume.* *Resume  tip:  If  you  happen  to  make  a  completely  unplanned  typo  and  write  â&#x20AC;&#x153;USCâ&#x20AC;?  instead  of  UCSC,  you  may  be  more  likely  to  be  hired.  2.  Volunteer  at  the  Library Nothing  is  as  nice  as  not  making  any  money  while  re-­shelving  and  re-­alphabet-­ L]LQJ ERRNV $W OHDVW \RXÂśUH LQ D VLOHQW DLU FRQGLWLRQHG URRP ÂżOOHG ZLWK PDJQH-­ tized  books.  Also,  libraries  usually  attract  small  children,  and  maybe  you  can  befriend  one  and  possibly  be  hired  for  a  babysitting  job,  or  possibly  arrested,  and  thus  given  free  meals!  Just  remember:  itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  not  illegal  to  watch  porn  in  a  public  library  unless  itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  a  registered  childrenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  library,  so  no  matter  how  often  the  creepy  bearded  guy  watching  BBW  porn  proudly  makes  eye  contact  with  you,  you  canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  really  do  anything  about  it  other  than  make  eye  contact  back  and  try  to  make  him  feel  uncomfortable. Â

3.  Clean  o Unless a  futon 7KHUHÂśV throwin back  in 4.  Make  a Have  y impaire the  sum 6â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  â&#x20AC;&#x153;Bo 5.  Reconn Remem college become just  in  6.  Sell  Yo Remem can  be  spread  if  Step  7.  Buy  So Chance activity time  to put  it  o good  o what  a  to  your OLIH WKL dust  clo childho

The Hangover II more like the Hangover Piece of Shit.

3.  Clean  out  Your  Room  at  Home Unless  your  little  brother  has  already  upgraded  to  your  room,  leaving  you  with  a  futon  and  a  set  of  drawers  full  of  your  past  life,  this  sounds  like  a  great  idea.  7KHUHÂśV QRWKLQJ OLNH ÂżQGLQJ GHDG VSLGHUV DQG GXVW FORGV ZKLOH UHPLQLVFLQJ DQG throwing  away  any  last  bits  of  your  childhood.  Oh  wow,  scrunchies!  Are  these  back  in  style  yet?  Letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  put  these  in  the  â&#x20AC;&#x153;maybeâ&#x20AC;?  pile.

4.  Make  an  Excel  Spreadsheet  of  your  Moods Have  you  ever  thought  you  might  be  bipolar/depressed/psychologically  impaired?  Well  there  is  no  better  time  to  systematically  track  your  moods  than  the  summer.  Color-­code  it  if  you  want  the  extra  zazz  to  visually  appeal  Week  6â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  â&#x20AC;&#x153;Bored/Bored/Bored/Suicidal/Bored/Indignant/Bored.â&#x20AC;?

5.  Reconnect  With  Old  Friends Remember  all  those  people  you  used  to  be  close  to  before  you  went  away  to  college  and  they  became  douchebags?  Well  maybe  theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  bored  too  and  have  become  less  stupid.  But  brace  for  the  worst  and  wear  a  Ugg  boots  with  shorts  just  in  case  you  need  to  blend  in.

6.  Sell  Your  Shit  on  Craigslist Remember  that  Razor  scooter  from  6th  grade  sitting  in  your  garage?  Well  that  can  be  sold  and  converted  into  enough  money  to  buy  you  some  Prozac  (look  at  spread  sheet  in  Step  4,  buy  for  as  many  days  as  necessary).  Sell  your  Ugg  boots  if  Step  6  goes  sour.  7.  Buy  Some  Crayons  and  a  Coloring  Book Chances  are  unless  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  an  art  major  (which  means  you  should  skip  this  activity,  and  repeat  steps  1  and  6  continually  for  the  rest  of  your  life),  then  itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  time  to  reconnect  with  your  motor  skills.   Color  in  a  nice  cartoon  picture  and  put  it  on  your  fridge.  This  nostalgic  image  might  remind  your  parents  of  the  good  olâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;  days  back  when  you  were  a  toddler,  and  possibly  theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll  lay  up  about  what  a  failure  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  become.  Unless  your  little  brother  has  already  upgraded  to  your  room,  leaving  you  with  a  futon  and  a  set  of  drawers  full  of  your  past  OLIH WKLV VRXQGV OLNH D JUHDW LGHD 7KHUHÂśV QRWKLQJ OLNH ÂżQGLQJ GHDG VSLGHUV DQG dust  clods  while  reminiscing  and  throwing  away  any  last  bits  of  your   childhood.  Â

11

Get Cool or Die Tryinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;

by Nicole Green

Summer  is  almost  here.  That  means  more  than  a  rise  in  body-­image  issues  and  a  break  from  writ-­ ing  for  bullshit  papers.  This  summer  is  an  oppor-­ tunity.  An  opportunity  for  you  to  stop  being  such  a  lame  fucktard  and  reach  for  the  most  ephemeral  of  all  descriptors:  cool.  Granted,  the  ideal  time  to  reinvent  yourself  would  have  been  the  summer  before  you  came  to  UCSC.  Nobody  would  have  known  that  you  played  the  sousaphone  in  marching  band  or  that  you  once  sang  BrokenCyde  at  your  high  school  talent  show,  and  you  could  have  showed  up  on  the  ¿UVW GD\ ZLWK \RXU YLQ\O FROOHFWLRQ DQG \RXU WDVWH-­ ful  moccasins  ready  to  fucking  go,  with  nobody  the  wiser.  While  that  ship  may  have  sailed,  itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  not  too  late.  You  can  still  be  coolâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;but  itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  going  to  take  a  summerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  worth  of  work.  When  I  say  cool,  itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  important  to  understand  that  this  is  a  relative  term.  Cool  is  not  the  same  everywhere,  so  realize  this  and  plan  accordingly.  Case  in  point:  I  showed  up  my  freshman  year  sporting  a  baby  blue  South  Pole  puff  jacket,  ready  to  kick  some  ass  and  take  some  names.   I  mean,  who  doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  have  a  puff  jacket?  And  mine  is  extra  hip!  Golly  gee,  this  is  going  to  be  the  best  year  ever!

As  I  get  ready  to  start  my  senior  year,  I  can  FRQÂżGHQWO\ VD\ WKDW , ORRNHG OLNH D IXFNLQJ LGLRW The  Santa  Cruz  brand  of  cool  is  in  a  class  all  its  own.  Through  careful  observations  and  a  horrifying  lifetime  of  trial  and  error,  I  feel  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  got  a  good  grasp  on  what  it  is  and  what  it  isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t,  and  that  itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  my  responsibility  to  bestow  what  I  have  gathered  and  to  maybe,  just  maybe,  prevent  others  from  making  the  same  mistakes  I  did.  (A  hair  crimper?  Seriously?  Where  the  fuck  did  I  even  buy  one?)

First,  you  need  to  know  how  to  play  a  fucking  instrument.  No,  said  sousaphoneâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;or  any  other  instrument  you  played  in  your  high  school  bandâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; does  not  count.  There  is  only  one  instrument  that  will  be  worth  it  in  terms  of  time  spent  and  cool  produced:  The  hippest  instrument  for  Fall  2011  is  going  to  be,  without  a  doubt,  the  accordion.  The  accordion  is  the  new  banjo.   The  accordion  is  fucking  everywhere.  Best  of  all,  all  you  really  need  to  learn  is  one  or  two  â&#x20AC;&#x153;oom-­bah-­bah,  oom-­

bah-­bahsâ&#x20AC;?  and  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  good  to  go.  With  just  a  little  tweaking  you  can  bust  those  bad  boys  out  for  waltzes,  some  mariachi-­seeming  music,  and  even  IRU PDNLQJ DQ\ OLWWOH PRQNH\V \RX ÂżQG RQ WKH street  dance  for  coins.  Second,  come  up  with  some  stupid  food  allergy.  With  this  one,  you  have  two  main  options:  either  make  it  impossibly  broad  or  absurdly  VSHFLÂżF <RX FRXOG IRU H[DPSOH FRPH EDFN DQG tell  all  your  friends  that  over  the  summer  you  developed  an  allergy  for  food  grown  or  processed  anywhere  within  a  200  mile  radius  of  GMOs  (warning:  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  going  to  be  hungry.)  Alter-­ natively,  you  could  go  the  route  of  option  two,  and  tell  your  friends  you  absolutely  cannot  eat  DQ\WKLQJ FRQWDLQLQJ PHUPDLG URH RU WKH Ă&#x20AC;HVK RI scarlet  macaws.  A  food  allergy  you  make  up  will  still  make  you  seem  unique  and  a  little  bit  tortured  while  not  actually  depriving  you  of  any  foods  you  make  like  to  eat.  â&#x20AC;&#x153;But  how  come  we  never  knew  before?â&#x20AC;?  Because  you  never  asked.  Finally,  make  sure  you  have  a  cool  answer  prepared  for  when  people  inevitably  ask  you  what  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  been  up  to  since  the  last  time  they  saw  you.   Obvi-­ ously,  you  canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  say  you  spent  it  learning  basic  accordion  skillz  from  late-­night  YouTube  videos  to  impress  that  androgynous  cutie  with  the  half-­shaved  head  you  spotted  near  the  squiggle.  Besides,  telling  the  truth  is  so  classically  uncool.  Instead,  set  the  tone  for  the  rest  of  your  year  with  a  one-­of-­a-­kind/badass/heart  wrenching  sounding  answer  that  other  people  wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  be  able  to  easily  FRQÂżUP RU GHQ\ +HOO PD\EH \RX FDQ HYHQ FRPH XS ZLWK RQH WKDW FDQ ÂżW DOO WKUHH <RX VSHQW \RXU summer  tracking  down  your  long  lost  cousin  who  sent  you  a  cryptic  message  that  you  received  via  carrier  pigeonâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;a  cryptic  message  that  you  EHOLHYHG LGHQWLÂżHG \RX DV WKH RQO\ VXUYLYLQJ ERQH PDUURZ PDWFK IRU D YLOODJH RI EHDWLÂżF RUSKDQV And  along  the  way,  you  picked  up  some  accordion. Â

The Fish Rap Live! May 31, 2011

12

Once, I took a piece of fruit and a dessert from the dining hall, even though they explicitly say not to.

If I Stole It

by Brendan Woodruff

When  I  started  college  back  in  the  fall  of  2007,  quarterly  tuition*  at  UCSC  cost  those  IDPLOLHV ZKR GLGQÂśW TXDOLI\ IRU ÂżQDQFLDO DLG $1,950.00.  Fast  forward  to  2011.  Tuition  now  costs  $3,134.00.  Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  an  increase  of  61%  in  under  four  years.  If  that  was  your  weight,  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d  be  fat.  If  things  continue  at  this  rate,  those  of  you  who  are  freshmen  now  could  be  paying  $5,045  in  fees  per  quarter  by  the  time  you  start  your  fourth  year,  and  that  doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  in-­ clude  additional  course  fees,  room  and  board,  books,  and  weed,  and  thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  if  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  frugal.  Now  on  principle,  I  am  not  against  increasing  tuition  costs,  if  it  also  comes  with  an  equal  increase  in  student  services  and  university  funding.  However,  this  61%  has  also  come  at  the  same  time  as  a  roughly  2  billion  dollar  decrease  in  the  UCâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  budget.  Now  there  are  some  out  there  who  believe  that  this  kind  of  injustice  cannot  and  must  not  stand:  that  when  people  take  your  money  under  false  pretences,  you  have  the  right,  any  right,  nay  duty,  to  at  least  try  to  steal  it  back.  Fortunately  for  the  university  I  am  not  the  kind  of  person  to  break  the  law  to  make  a  statement  or  stand  on  principle;Íž  however,  if  I  was  that  kind  of  person,  here  is  what  I  would  have  stolen  over  the  past  two  years  of  fee  increases.

Note:  No  actual  cash  is  earned  from  these  activities.  You  are  stealing  goods  and  services  which  are  ultimately  paid  for  by  the  university.

1. Books, headphones, candy, or basically anything out of the bookstore ([FHSW IRU WKH ÂżUVW WZR ZHHNV RI the  quarter,  when  they  decide  to  hire  security  guards,  the  Baytree  Bookstore  is  one  of  the  easiest  places  to  steal  your  tuition  back  from  the  university.  Grab  what  you  want,  go  upstairs,  then  walk  back  down  while  put-­ ting  it  in  your  backpack.  The  people  downstairs  will  think  you  paid  for  the  item  upstairs;Íž  the  people  upstairs  will  think  you're  about  to  pay  for  it  downstairs.  If  you  steal  one  pair  of  $10  headphones  a  week,  over  the  course  of  the  \HDU \RX ZLOO KDYH WDNHQ EDFN 7KURZ LQ D VRPH RIÂżFLDO 8&6& PHUFKDQGLVH OLNH D W VKLUW RU D VZHDWHU DQG WKH RFFD-­ sional  book  and  thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  another  $200.   If  you  slip  into  the  express  store  and  steal  a  pack  of  gum  a  day,  after  a  year  thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  another  $210  from  the  university. Â

3. Parking TAPS  has  a  death  grip  on  campus  parking,  or  so  they'd  like  you  to  think.   There  are  many  ways  to  park  safely  on  campus  without  a  permit  and  never  get  a  ticket.   First  off,  as  far  as  I  can  tell,  TAPs  only  hands  out  tickets  in  the  remote  parking  lots  between  9:00  am-­10:00  am  and  12:00  pm  â&#x20AC;&#x201C;  1:00  pm.   Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  it.  Any  other  time  of  day,  you're  good.  Even  if  they  change  the  schedule  after  this  article  is  published,  they  still  canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  police  the  lots  24/7.  If  you  donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  want  to  risk  the  remote  lots,  there  are  places  on  campus  you  can  park  for  hours  and  never  get  caught.   The  20  minute  spots  at  the  top  of  College  Eight  are  only  checked  at  the  end  of  the  day,  and  same  goes  for  park-­ ing  at  the  press  center.   Even  if  you  get  six  tickets  at  $60  apiece,  at  the  end  of  the  year  you  still  would  have  saved  $180  dollars  from  not  buying  a  parking  permit. Â

Potential Value: $700 per year 2. Bus Rides According  to  those  stupid   fucking  signs  at  the  bus  stops  on   campus,  every  time  you  get  a  free  ride  on  the  Metro  it  costs  the  university  $1.75.  So  the  most  obvious  way  to  steal  money  via  bus  rides  is  to  never  use  campus  busses.  When  on  campus,  only  take  Santa  Cruz  Metro  busses.   Do  WKLV D FRXSOH WLPHV D GD\ ¿YH GD\V D ZHHN WHQ ZHHNV D TXDUWHU

Potential Value: $175 per quarter

Potential Value: $180 per year

4. Housing The  trick  to  stealing  housing  is  roommate  selection.   When  living  in  on  campus  apartments,  make  sure  one  of  the  singles  is  occupied  by  a  person  who  will  be  leaving  the  school,  for  what-­ ever  reason,  before  the  start  of  spring  quarter.   That  way  the  university  will  not  be  able  WR ¿OO WKH YDFDQF\ ZKHQ WKH\ leave.  Then  move  your  stuff  out  of  your  shitty  triple  and  upgrade  to  a  cozy  new  single  at  no  extra  charge.  You'll  save  about  $1000  dollars.

Potential Value: $1000 during Spring quarter

This  list  is  only  the  beginning.  You  could  snag  power  tools  from  the  construction  sites,  toilet  paper  from  the  public  restrooms,  weed  from  the  green  house  on  top  of  Thimman...the  options  are  endless.  And  remember,  its  not  really  stealing,  itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  getting  your  money's  worth.

No Homo: Confessions of a Go-Go Dancer

by Victor Orozco

There  comes  a  time  in  every  man's  life  when  he  questions  how  comfortable  he  is  with  his  sexuality.  Not  his  sexuality  itself!-­-­that  would  be  fucking  gay.

On  a  Thursday  night  I  recieved  a  call  from  Miss  Balls  Deep.  She  wanted  to  get  fucked  up.  I  kindly  informed  her  that  I  was  about  to  make  dinner  and  sleep.  She,  in  typical  MBD  fashion,  told  me  to  stop  being  a  little  bitch  and  go  out.  I  couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  argue  ZLWK KHU Ă&#x20AC;DZOHVV ORJLF EXW KDG WR PDNH D GHFLVLRQ EHWZHHQ showering  or  eating.  I  compromised  and  washed  my  balls  in  the  sink,  grabbed  some  beef  jerky  and  some  beers  to  wash  it  down  with,  and  headed  out.  I  was  at  my  doorstep  when  I  realized  I  shouldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  changed  out  my  thick  thermal.  Had  I  given  more  of  a  fuck  I  would  have  changed  shirts,  but  I  just  couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  bring  myself  to  it.  While  dressing  like  a  slut  has  long  been  a  detriment  in  my  personal  life,  that  night  not  giving  a  fuck  worked  to  my  advantage. :H -DHJHUERPEHG DQG KLW WKH GDQFHĂ&#x20AC;RRU 'HVSLWH WKH IDFW that  there  was  a  lot  of  gay  dudes  on  my  ass  that  night,  I  gave  no  fucks,  I  was  just  scoping  hella  hotties,  hoping  they  have  their  guard  down  and  it  would  be  easy  to  grind  up  and  mack.  The  ERGLHV RQ WKH GDQFHĂ&#x20AC;RRU ZHUH JHQHUDWLQJ VR PXFK KHDW WKDW WKH mirrors  in  the  bar  were  fogged  and  I  was  sweating  buckets.  In  my  drunk  mind  I  thought  the  next  best  course  of  action  would  be  to  remove  my  thermal  shirt.  Within  5  minutes,  I  was  ap-­ proached  by  a  man  who  said  heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d  pay  me  to  do  exactly  what  I  was  doing  now,  but  on  Saturdays.  We  exchanged  numbers  since  I  was  too  fucked  up  to  talk  about  it.  He  said  he  would  call  me.  I  kept  dancing.

I  got  the  call  a  few  days  later.  30-­40  bucks  a  night,  plus  free  dranks  and  tips.  15  minutes  in  the  cage,  45  minutes  chilling  at  the  bar,  during  which  other  male  go-­goâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  would  cover.  Wear  whatever  I  like,  as  long  as  no  shirts  or  pants  covered  it.  Sounds  good.

Two  weeks  later  I  arrived  at  my  new  job  an  hour  early  in  RUGHU WR PDNH D JRRG ÂżUVW LPSUHVVLRQ NLQG RI OLNH P\ ÂżUVW day  at  a  job  that  doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  involve  gyrating  in  marble-­sacks.  I  waited  nervously  outside,  smoking  lots  of  cigs.  As  the  hour  ap-­ proached,  the  dude  who  would  be  paying  me  showed  me  where  I  would  change  and  store  my  shit  for  the  night.  He  showed  me  the  stage,  a  black  plywood  box  adorned  with  a  cage  composed Â

The Fish Rap Live! May 31, 2011

of  PVC  pipe  and  duct  tape.  /XFNLO\ , GLGQÂśW KDYH WR JR XS ÂżUVW VR ZKHQ WKH PXVLF started,  I  took  advantage  of  the  opportunity  and  ordered  myself  a  drink  to  prepare.  The  bar  was  still  empty  when  I  went  backstage.  I  had  not  consumed  nearly  enough  alcohol  in  order  to  keep  my  stomach  from  doing  hula  hoops.  When  I  was  all  set  to  go  on  WKH EODFN SO\ZRRG VWDJH TXHVWLRQV Ă&#x20AC;RRGHG my  mind.What  will  my  family  say?  How Â

much  shit  will  I  get  from  my  homies?  How  would  I  react  to  fat  chicks  and  dudes  touching  me  and  my  junk?   $QG ¿QDOO\ Would  there  be  bitches?

With  my  Speedo  layered  under  my  skivvies,  I  stepped  out  of  the  backroom,  shut  my  brain  down,  and  stepped  on-­stage.  The  ¿UVW VHW VXFNHG , GLG P\ EHVW WR just  move  with  the  music.  %HLQJ REMHFWLÂżHG ZDV D VWUDQJH new  experience.  As  a  swimmer,  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  worn  small  bathing  suits  in  public  for  years,  and  in  fact,  I  hardly  ever  wear  more  than  three  articles  of  clothing  at  D WLPH LQFOXGLQJ Ă&#x20AC;LS Ă&#x20AC;RSV \HW , IHOW DV if  the  world  was  not  only  undressing  me  with  its  eyes  but  also  fucking  the  shit  out  of  me  with  them.  I  knew  the  gay  dudes  sitting  by  the  stage  were  eye-­fucking  me  because  that  is  what  ALL  men  do.  Gay  or  straight.All  the  times  at  the  gym  I  checked  out  the  jiggling  butts  of  hotties  on  the  treadmills,  thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  what  was  happening  to  me.  Except  now  I  wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  the  one  imagining  myself  getting  head. *HWWLQJ REMHFWLÂżHG E\ FXWH FKLFNV IRU me,  was  not  bad-­-­it  was  fucking  awesome.  They  left  tips  and  giggled  sometimes  when  I  let  them  brush  up  on  my  crotch  when  I  dropped  down  low.  Halfway  into  my  set  a  girl  walked  up  to  the  cage  and  watched  me Â

intensely,  but  she  didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  tip.  I  complimented  her  on  her  tube  top;Íž  it  looked  like  a  candy  cane.  I  told  her  that  I  thought  candy  canes  were  delicious.  She  still  didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  tip.  In  retrospect  I  think  that  made  me  come  off  as  gay.  She  was  only  about  a  4,  so  she  was  no  loss.

2QFH , ¿QLVKHG P\ ¿UVW URWDWLRQ , IHOW D ORW PRUH FRQ¿GHQW although  it  could  have  just  been  the  result  of  being  clothed  again.  I  went  to  the  bar  immediately  for  more  booze.  Before  , FRXOG SODFH P\ RUGHU D ZRPDQ FRQ¿GHQWO\ ZDONHG up  to  the  bar  and  placed  herself  in  the  space  next  to  me.  She  was  on  a  mission  to  grab  my  attention.  I  introduced  myself,  and  she  offered  to  buy  me  a  drink.  Since  I  was  getting  them  shits  for  free,  I  declined.  She  was  about  a  6  +  plus  the  number  of  my  drinks.   As  I  was  slamming  my  second  shot  of  Don  Julio  onto  the  bar,  I  asked  her  if  she  wanted  to  dance.

I  was  hellafuckingstoked.  She  was  my  type  in  almost  every  which  way  imaginable.  Not  only  was  she  a  babe,  but  she  was  drunk.  I  was  Prince  Charming  and  she  was  my  drunken  &LQGHUHOOD 6R WKHUH , ZDV RQ WKH GDQFHĂ&#x20AC;RRU sweating  and  bumping  and  grinding,  so  lost  into  her  gaze  that  I  forgot  the  super  gay  job  that  would  take  me  away  from  her  when  the  clock  struck  midnight.  Before  I  knew  it,  I  was  back  in  the  cage,  a  piece  of  meat  again.  Cinderella  was  all  over  the  cage,  and  I  was  loving  it.

(YHQ WKRXJK WKH JRJR GDQFLQJ JLJ LWVHOI HQGHG ÂżQH and  I  had  fun,  Cinderellaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  and  my  story  did  not  end  happily.  Her  friend/evil  godmother  ended  up  being  a  total  bonerkill.  She  took  her  away  from  me  so  fast  that  she  left  the  bar  barefoot.  I  searched  the  bar  for  her  sexy  heels,  but  never  found  them.  Luckily,  I  managed  to  get  her  number  earlier  that  night.

Why  did  I  just  tell  you  guys  this  story?  Because  it  allows  me  to  cope  with  the  fact  that  I  was  go-­go  dancing  in  a  cage  wearing  tiny  shorts,  while  a  group  of  older  gay  gentle-­ men  were  sitting  on  some  couches  watching  my  every  move.  But  to  be  honest,  the  gay  part  of  the  gig  wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  so  bad  â&#x20AC;&#x201C;  I  got  some  great  tips.  No  lie,  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d  totally  do  it  again  too.  No  Homo. Â

Hey wanna go to the Catalyst this Friday and listen to some dubstep?

13

The Only Meaningful Four Years in Your Life: A Checklist Junior

Sophomore

Freshman Puke  in  Stevenson  Lounge Take  Psych  and  Religion Choose  not  to  cheat  on  long-­distance  boyfriend  with  hallmate,  only  cuddle Attempt  to  grow  out  inadequate  beard One  night  stand  with  an  upperclassman  (girls) Masturbate  in  the  communal  showers  (guys) Cheat  on  long-­distance  girlfriend Try  and  fail  to  get  a  job  on  campus Wear  a  fedora  every  day *HW FDUH SDFNDJH IURP SDUHQWV *HW KDQGFXIIHG E\ &62V VSHQG QLJKW LQ drunk  tank Wake  up  shirtless  in  Porter  quad Fuck  up  First  Rain *R KRPH IRU WKH ZHHNHQG Hang  out  at  Cafe  Pergolesi,  declare  it  â&#x20AC;&#x153;cool  but  overratedâ&#x20AC;?  Think  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  going  to  move  off  campus Beg  upperclassman  to  buy  you  liquor Black  out,  wake  up  in  Dominican  Hospital (DW DW &ROOHJH (LJKW GLQLQJ KDOO SOHGJH to  never  return Criticize  capitalism Discover  Reddit Claim  to  hate  walking  to  Merrill,  al-­ though  never  have Join  Fish  Rap  Live!

Discover  your  favorite  place  to  eat  downtown *R KRPH HYHU\ RWKHU ZHHNHQG Discover  4/20

Buy  Banana  Slug  condoms Take  Muppet  Magic â&#x20AC;&#x153;Take  a  breakâ&#x20AC;?  from  pot Declare  your  major Stop  receiving  care  packages Spend  work-­study  money  on  drugs *R YHJHWDULDQ Think  No  Shave  November  is  a  good  idea Listen  to  folk  music 9RPLW RXWVLGH 3DFLÂżF $YHQXH 7DFR %HOO Criticize  capitalism Consider  Moustache  March  as  another  good  idea Never  party  out  of  fear  of  getting  written  up  (on  campus) Try  to  survive  off  campus  without  a  meal  plan  (off  campus) Lurk  on  Reddit Join  Fish  Rap  Live! *HW LQ D WXVVOH ZLWK WKH ORFDOV '*$) FRQVWDQWO\ Buy  a  baja  hoodie Learn  how  to  roll  a  blunt Throw  up  on  the  bus  on  your  way  to  a  party  off  campus Have  a  one  night  stand  with  a  freshman Spend  a  couple  bills  on  UCSC  memor-­ bilia ,QYHVW LQ D ÂżYH IRRW ERQJ *HW WRWHV RYHU \RXU VRSKPRUH \HDU roomates *R WR PRQWKO\ GUXP FLUFOHV Accept  that  nothing  will  ever  top  your  freshman  year

Senior Make  bird  calls  in  Kresge  Trailer  Park Take  Humanistic  Psych Apply  for  Part-­Time  Program  -­  realize  \RX KDYHQœW VDWLV¿HG *(V Your  major  gets  cut Drop  out Take  all  classes  Pass/No  Pass Fuck  more  freshman *R EDFN WR HDWLQJ PHDW Act  smug Call  parents  back Activate  library  card Jump  railing  at  Cowell-­Stevenson  dining  hall 5HVLJQ WR ¿IWK \HDU YLFWRU\ ODS  Criticize  capitalism 0DNH ¿UVW 5HGGLW SRVW Take  school  seriously Figure  out  what  you  really  want  to  do Start  having  sex  with  the  locals Make  checklist  of  all  friends  you  want  to  have  sex  with  before  graduating Find  out  how  your  penis  measures  up  against  others,  feel  ashamed/proud Scramble  to  check  items  off  this  list +DYH D UHDO UHODWLRQVKLS IRU WKH ¿UVW WLPH Accept  that  Motiv  is  the  ONLY  dance  club  of  Santa  Cruz Realize  that  your  BA  degree  is  useless Start  shaving  regularly/get  tired  of  look-­ ing  like  shit Start  giving  a  fuck Desperatley  want  to  be  a  Junior  again Replace  all  bong-­water/vomit/blood  stained  clothes  before  graduating

*R WR D SDUW\ DQG WU\ FRNH Take  Beatles/Disney  class  -­  your  pick Fuck  a  freshman  (guys) Fuck  other  upperclassman  (girls) Change  your  major 7U\ WR ¿QG &DWœV &UDGOH Try  to  get  into  a  bar Start  compost  piles Use  expired  Banana  Slug  Condom *R WR WKH &DWDO\VW RQFH *R YHJDQ Be  a  TA *HW SKRQH FDOO IURP SDUHQWV IRUJHW WR call  them  back Criticize  capitalism *HW ¿UVW SDUNLQJ WLFNHW Create  Reddit  account Take  shrooms  and  wander  in  the  forest Flirt  with  professor  for  better  grade  (girls) Move  off  campus Hate  your  landlord/neighbors Stop  working  out  at  the  gym Discover  the  eastside Vomit  at  someones  house,  leave  them  the  mess Break  your  computer Study  abroad  somewhere  epic  to  fuck  foreigners Take  a  quarter  Pass/No  Pass Throw  a  party  without  it  getting  rolled  before  midnight Join  Fish  Rap  Live!

Make  a  senior  year  bucket  list 'RQœW GURZQ ZKLOH DWWHPSWLQJ VXU¿QJ

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"! v i l De The Fish Rap Live! May 31, 2011

14

I bet Avril Lavigne is a really bad girlfriend. Cute, though.

YOU JUST DONâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;T GET STREET ART

by Eric Meyland

So  what  did  you  do  last  Tues-­ day?  Oh,  you  stayed  in  and  worked  on  your  Bio  midterm?  Maybe  caught  up  on  some  sleep?  Split  a  box  of  Franzia  with  your  roommate  and  ended  up  puking  in  North  Remote  parking  lot?  Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  cool  I  guess  â&#x20AC;&#x201C;  if  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  complacent.

Yeah,  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  what  you  might  call  a  radical.  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  one  of  those  kids  that  your  parents  warned  you  about  â&#x20AC;&#x201C;  the  â&#x20AC;&#x153;crazyâ&#x20AC;?  anarchist  with  the  bombs  here  to  brainwash  you  at  college.  Well  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  got  some  news  for  you  â&#x20AC;&#x201C;  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  the  one  whose  been  brainwashed,  and  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  the  alarm  clock  here  to  wake  you  up,  baby.  Er,  like,  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  been  brainwashed,  so  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  in  a  dream.  Kind  of  like  the  Matrix.  Which  would  make  me  Morpheus,  sorta.

You  see,  ever  since  I  saw  Exit  Through  the  Gift  Shop-­-­  you  have  seen  it,  right?  Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  so  good-­-­  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  been  all  about  the  street  art  move-­ ment.

I  know  the  street  art  movement  is  really  underground  right  now,  so  I  can  forgive  you  for  not  being  more  aware  of  it,  but  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  probably  seen  our  stuff  around.  Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  kind  of  OLNH JUDIÂżWL EXW OLNH ZH PDGH LW DQG ZH FDOOHG it  art,  so  it  is.  Like  instead  of  just  writing  our  names  or  talking  about  how  our  exs  have  herpes,  we  use  it  to  talk  about  shit  that  really  matters,  like  overthrowing  society,  and  how  cool  street  art  is.

So  while  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  staying  at  home  trying  to  ignore  how  the  school  is  fucking  you,  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  EHHQ RXW ÂżJKWLQJ WKH JRRG ÂżJKW DJDLQVW W\UDQQ\ and  oppression.  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  like  a  warrior  for  free  speech  and  the  right  to  put  words  on  things.  Did  you  see  that  chalk  on  the  wall  behind  Classroom  Unit?  The  one  telling  you  to  free  your  mind  of  the  state?  Yeah,  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  welcome.

Banksy,  Fairey,  and  all  of  them  are  so  im-­

portant  right  now,  theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  really  inspired  me.  While  everybody  else  on  this  campus  seems  so  ZLOOLQJ WR MXVW JR ZLWK WKH Ă&#x20AC;RZ ,ÂśP RXW WKHUH ULVNLQJ OLNH DW OHDVW D VPDOO ÂżQH WR JHW LPSRU-­ tant  messages  out  there.  Yesterday  I  picked  up  a  bunch  of  mailing  labels  form  Jack  Baskin  and  wrote  â&#x20AC;&#x153;CAPITALISM  IS  A  FLAWED  SYSTEMâ&#x20AC;?  on  all  of  them.  Well,  ok,  on  some  of  them  I  drew  a  little  penguin  in  a  top  hat,  but  thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  supposed  to  be  a  critique  of,  like,  you  know,  rich  people  and  stuff.

Anyway  the  point  is  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  out  there  trying  to  like,  raise  awareness  of  this  stuff  for  people  and,  ugh,  they  just  donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  get  it  sometimes?  Like  all  my  chalk  printings?  People  just  wipe  them  off!  I  donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  think  they  even  read  them  sometimes.  Uh,  hello,  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  sorry?  Do  you  like  blank  walls?  Do  you  want  nothing  to  UHDG ZKHQ \RXÂśUH JRLQJ XS D Ă&#x20AC;LJKW RI VWDLUV" Wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  you  rather  look  at  the  words  â&#x20AC;&#x153;VETO  THE  REGENTSâ&#x20AC;?  scrawled  in  a  fourth-­graderâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  handwriting  than  just  concrete?  Canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  you  at  least  try  to  appreciate  art?

And  it  really  sucks  because  street  art  is  SOOO  about  the  people,  you  know?  Anybody  can  do  it,  and  everybody  has  a  right  to  it,  as  long  as  they  have  the  time  and  resources  and  also  attend  this  university.  Also  they  have  to  take  it  seriously-­-­  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  so  tired  of  douchebags  scrawling  dicks  all  over  my  art  when  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  just  trying  to  brighten  up  this  campus  with  some  food  for  thought,  you  know?  Tch,  but  I  guess  thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  my  fault  for  using  the  Stevenson  bathroom-­-­  Kresge  students  are  just  so  much  more  receptive,  even  if  they  do  talk  a  lot  about  wiping  your  butt.

But  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  not  giving  up  hope  yet.  I  know  that  deep  down,  everybody  at  this  campus  feels  exactly  the  same  way  I  do.  Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  just  itching  to  get  out  of  the  class  and  start  shit.  They  just  need  to  see  that  thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  support.  That  other  people  agree  that  society  has  ruined  us.  They  QHHG VRPHERG\ WR PDNH WKH ÂżUVW PRYH I  mean  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d  love  to  do  it  but  like  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  been  really  busy  this  quarter,  you  know,  and  like,  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  already  on  academic  probation.  But  I  mean  I  can  still  do  street  art,  like,  thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll  get  the  word  out.

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  just  really  important  for  me  to  be  involved  in  this.

Things Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve Learned About Awkward People at UCSC

by Stephanie Liao In  my  time  here  at  UCSC,  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  learned  valuable  information  about  social  life.  One  of  the  most  important  things  to  take  away  with  you  if  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  graduating  like  me  is  that  awkward  people  are  really  annoying  to  be  around,  but  they  are  basically  the  UCSC  mascot.  Sorry  Banana  Slugs,  awkward  SHRSOH GHÂżQLWHO\ RXWQXPEHU \RX +HUH , offer  nuggets  of  enlightenment  that  students,  as  well  as  locals,  inspire  in  all  of  us  as  we  indulge  in  a  different,  less  showering,  way  of  life.  1.  Awkward  people  love  small  talk.

How  many  times  have  you  found  yourself  cornered  in  a  conversation  that  just  wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  end?  How  many  times  has  this  hap-­ pened  to  you  in  Santa  Cruz?  Exactly.  The  amount  of  times  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  had  to  talk  about  the  weather,  the  bus,  homeless  bums,  or  deer,  UHDOO\ DGGV XS DV \RX ÂżQLVK \RXU GHJUHH And  these  topics  are  the  ones  that  seem  to  never  change  which  is  probably  because  Santa  Cruz  barely  ever  changes.  If  you  enjoy  this  kind  of  small  talk,  by  all  means  dissect  that  useless  information  until  it  offers  you  no  more  joy.  Otherwise,  make  a  joke  about  menstrual  cramps  and  then  theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll  probably  stop  talking  to  you.  2.  Awkward  people  breed.

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  like  an  epidemic.  Once  one  awk-­ ward  person  pops  up,  more  people  become  awkward  too.  Before  you  know  it,  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  one  of  them.  Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll  look  down  at  your  shoes,  ¿GJHW ZLWK \RXU ÂżQJHUV ZKLOH VZHDW GULSV GRZQ \RXU EURZ DV \RX WU\ WR ÂżJKW LW EXW LWÂśV inescapable.  Being  around  awkward  people Â

by  Solomon  Wong

The Fish Rap Live! May 31, 3011

just  makes  you  awkward  too.  This  is  why  Santa  Cruz  is  such  a  unique  place.  Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  all  been  affected  by  this,  and  the  only  way  WR ÂżQG D FXUH LV WR HLWKHU MRLQ D IUDW DQG EH drunk  all  the  time  or  get  people  to  not  give  a  crap  about  their  anxieties.  The  latter  sounds  the  most  promising.

3.  Awkward  people  ruin  conversations.

This  is  simply  done  by  an  awkward  person  saying  something  out  of  context  that  completely  throws  off  the  conversation.  :KHQ \RX ÂżQG \RXUVHOI KDYLQJ D QRUPDO FKDW with  someone  and  you  see  an  awkward  per-­ son  approaching,  just  be  prepared  to  suffer  through  the  painful  mutilation  of  your  once  easy-­going  discussion.  That  awkward  person  will  easily  drop  the  bomb  of  uneasiness  in  the  form  of  a  story  about  how  they  woke  up  and  found  themselves  in  a  mental  hospital  or  whatever.  Beware  when  they  try  to  make  jokes  too.  The  only  type  of  jokes  that  are  â&#x20AC;&#x153;funnyâ&#x20AC;?  are  only  funny  to  other  awkward  people.  4.  Awkward  people  love  being  awkward.  )RU VRPH UHDVRQ DZNZDUG SHRSOH ÂżQG LW D PHGDO RI KRQRU ZKHQ SHRSOH ÂżQG WKHP uncomfortable.  They  like  to  reference  their  own  awkwardness  and  blame  all  their  social  failings  on  it.  If  you  are  like  me,  you  have  no  tolerance  for  this  bullshit.  Awkward  people  will  perpetually  be  awkward  until  they  stop  indulging  it!  I  suspect  that  awkward  people  are  in  their  own  secret  awkward  society  where  they  offer  each  other  awkward  points  for  every  conversation  death,  killed  laughter,  DQG DQQR\DQFH LQĂ&#x20AC;LFWHG 7KHLU ZRUOG LV VLP-­ SO\ MXVW WRR DZNZDUG WR ÂżJXUH RXW

That’s it, I’m taking my longboard and going home.

15

The 8th Annual

Best Break

Best Trip

Summer

Worst Break

That time you took acid in Merril

Cabo 2011: No Regretz

Worst Trip

Buster Posey’s leg

Best Fee Hike

Best Plan 01&34 1mGFS 8PPET Backpacking Trip, $35

Plan B

Worst Fee Double Tuition Hike pe Gra ored a Fl v

Worst Plan

Best Blunt Simple Plan

Best Ron Man

Worst Blunt n Iro

Worst Ron Man

an

M

Blunt Force Trauma

Worst Guillotine Ron Paul

Best Guillotine Best Teacher

The one used during the French Revolution

Ms.

le

Frizz

Worst Bin Worser Bin

Osama bin Laden

Worst Teacher

Cali Swag District

Food Bin The Fish Rap Live! May 31, 2011

POOP JOKES

16

Campus Bathrooms:

by Victor Orozco Ah,  spring  has  arrived  at  last  and  with  it  throngs  of  jailbait  high  school  seniors  who  may  be  coming  to  UCSC  in  the  fall.  As  a  4th  year  at  this  institution  of  higher  learning  I  feel  it  is  my  responsibility  to  share  some  of  my  knowledge  of  our  wonderful  campus  and  its  hidden  JHPV WKDW WKH RI¿FLDO WRXUV VLPSO\ JORVV RYHU RU OHDYH RXW DOWRJHWKHU This  is  information  that  I  have  had  to  acquire  over  years  of  living  off  campus  while  having  12-­plus  hour  days  on  campus  as  well  as  days-­ long  cram  sessions  in  which  I  wonder  why  I  continue  to  torture  my  body  and  brain  from  the  lack  of  food  and  sleep.  That,  and  sometimes  it  LV MXVW SODLQ QLFH WR ¿QG VRPH SHDFHIXO DQG TXLHW SODFH DZD\ IURP WKH dorms  and  the  stresses  of  campus  life.  And  other  times,  you  just  need  a  QHZ SODFH WR SRRS $OO LQ DOO P\ QHHG IRU ¿QGLQJ D QLFH SODFH WR SRRS at  odd  hours  of  the  day  particularly  when  stuff  is  closed  has  led  me  to  explore  this  campus  and  learn  more  than  any  tour  could  ever  teach  PH $V D UHVXOW , SUHVHQW WR \RX NLGV P\ ¿QGLQJV«

A Self-Guided Tour

Kresge Writing Center Absolutely  the  worst  place  to  take  a  shit  on  campus,  bar  none.  Avoid  entirely  if  possible.  This  place  UHHNV RI D FRPELQDWLRQ RI RYHUÃ&#x20AC;RZLQJ VHSWLF WDQN and  hippie  musk.  Now  that  I  think  about  it,  this  is  the  case  of  pretty  much  every  public  bathroom  in  .UHVJH 6R ZKHQ LQ .UHVJH GR DV WKH .UHVJLDQV GR skip  the  middleman  and  pop  a  squat  anywhere.

Thimann Labs

(3rd Floor Womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s)

Flunk  out  of  chem?  Curious  about  8UDQXV" +DYLQJ VHOI HVWHHP LVVXHV HYHU VLQFH HYHU\RQH LQ \RXU KDOO ODXJKHG DW \RXU FOHIW OLS YDJLQD GXULQJ WKH QDNHG run?  Whatever  your  woes,  take  a  load  RII RQ WKH ORXQJH FKDLU DQG WHOO PH DERXW \RXU SUREOHPV 'RQ W ZRUU\ , GRQ W PLQG , YH JRW SOHQW\ RI WLPH MXVW LJQRUH WKH VSODVKLQJ DQG WKH VRXQGV RI PH VWUDLQLQJ DV , GURS D FRORQ FDQQRQ EDOO

College 8 If  you  know,  you  know.  The  only  ZD\ WR NQRZ LV WR ¿QG LW 'RQ W WU\ and  fake  that  you  know.  We  will  know.  All  I  will  say  that  it  is  THE  *5($7(67 %$7+5220 (9(5 &OHDQ HQRXJK IRU -HVXV &KULVW himself  to  do  his  business,  equipped  ZLWK D ORFNLQJ GRRU ZDWHU IDXFHWV WKDW DFWXDOO\ UHVSRQG LQ FKDQJHV WR WHPSHUDWXUH DQG D FOHDQ PLUURU this  is  the  Rolls  Royce  of  campus  bathrooms.

College 9/10 Apartments

Cowell Dining Hall

5HFHQWO\ , ZDV YLVLWLQJ D IULHQG GXULQJ WKH GD\ DQG KDG WR DQVZHU P\ ERZHOV¶ VFUHDP ZLWKRXW P\ 03 SOD\HU DQG ZLWK LW P\ SRRSLQJ SOD\OLVW I  was  pleasantly  surprised  at  my  experience  in  this  bathroom,  however;;  LWV LQWHULRU ZDV ZKLWH DQG WKHUH ZDV QRWKLQJ LQ WKHUH EXW D VLQJOH UROO RI toilet  paper,  not  even  a  backup.  The  bathroomâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  spartan  form  resulted  in  PH KDYLQJ RQH RI WKH PRVW HQOLJKWHQLQJ VKLWV RI P\ OLIH :KHQ , ¿QLVKHG PLQXWHV ODWHU , KDG QRW RQO\ UHOLHYHG P\VHOI RI D EXUGHQ EXW , FDPH out  of  the  sensory  deprivation  chamber  with  another  perspective  on  life.  ,W ZDV DV LI , KDG MXVW OLVWHQHG WR WKH HQWLUH 7RRO GLVFRJUDSK\

Kerr Hall )LJKW WKH PDFKLQH 6WDJH \RXU RZQ occupation...of  the  handicapped  stall.  A  relatively  out  of  the  way  place  to  drop  a  chocolate  monkey,  but  noth-­ LQJ VSHFLDO DVLGH IURP WKDW 3RRSLQJ VRQJ VXJJHVWLRQ -XVWLFH :H DUH <RXU )ULHQGV RI¿FLDO VRQJ RI WKH RF-­ cupation  of  Kerr  Hall.

7KLV EDWKURRP ZDVQ W EXLOW IRU JRLQJ number  one  or  number  two.  It  was  built  so  that  freshmen  have  a  place  to  vomit  ZKHQ WKH\ DUH KXQJRYHU DW EUHDNIDVW on  the  weekends  or  as  a  result  of  their  bulimic  tendencies  that  they  would  like  WR NHHS KLGGHQ IURP WKHLU Ã&#x20AC;RRUPDWHV

Joeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s

Welcome  to  the  Quarry  Plaza!  Other  schools  have  a  TXDG EXW QRW 8&6& ,QVWHDG ZH KDYH VRPH IUHH VSDFH ZLWK D ELJ DVV URFN LQ WKH PLGGOH RI LW VDQGZLFKHG LQ EHWZHHQ RXU ERRNVWRUH DQG WKH RQH SODFH WR JUDE D EHHU RQ FDPSXV $OO WKLQJV DVLGH WKLV LV DUJXDEO\ RQH of  the  most  discreet  yet  accessible  places  to  have  sex  on  campus  in  the  middle  of  the  day.  Did  I  mention  that  the  door  locks?  Bonus  points  if  she  buys  you  a  VDPPLFK DIWHUZDUGV , VXJJHVW WKH SKLOO\ PHDWEDOO DQG cheese  or  the  Pastrami/Bacon/Cheese.

? ? Secret Shower ?? ? ?

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OPERS Pool

'RQ W ZDQW WR SD\ IRU ODXQGU\ GR WKDW GHXFH RQ WKH GHHS HQG RI WKH VZLPPLQJ SRRO %HVLGHV ZKR GRHVQ W DOUHDG\ SLVV LQ WKH SRRO" <RX PLJKW DV ZHOO JR DOO WKH ZD\ $QG GR \RXU ODXQGU\ ZKLOH \RX¶UH DW LW $OO NLGGLQJ DVLGH WKHUH DUH DFWXDO VKRZHUV DQG LW LV D JUHDW SODFH WR VKRW JXQ EHHUV EHIRUH FKHHULQJ IRU \RXU VWULSSHG GRZQ EUR V DW ZDWHU SROR JDPHV QR KRPR 7KH only  con  is  the  fact  that  before  any  tournament  there  will  be  D OLQH RI PXVFXODU VSHHGR FODG JX\V WDNLQJ WKHLU 3UH *DPH &UDS RU 3*& RFFXS\LQJ DOO WKH VWDOOV DQG EHLQJ ORXG DV IXFN PDNLQJ LW KDUG IRU PH WR VSHZ P\ NLEEOHV DQG ELWV DQG OLVWHQ WR 1LUYDQD RQ P\ SRRSLQJ SOD\OLVW LQ SHDFH

The Fish Rap Live! May 31, 2011

A secret: Chiliâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s restaurant is a good place to get all your recommended sodium for the week.

There  are  many  experiences  that  can  only  be  had  when  you  have  lived  in  Santa  Cruz  and  gone  to  UCSC  for  four  years.  These  experi-­ ences  often  expose  things  about  this  city  that  one  would  never  notice.  Some  are  good,  and  some  are  ugly.  To  start  off  on  a  positive  note,  let  us  explore  the  good  things  that  are  hidden  about  UCSC  and  Santa  Cruz.

If  you  have  ever  been  to  a  happening  college  you  would  notice  that  every  day  on  campus  the  school  is  hosting  some  sort  of  event.  Seeing  as  how  UCSC  has  as  much  spirit  as  Elizabeth  Taylorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  leg,  it  is  lacking  in  that   department.  These  events  do  exist  though.  In  May,  Oakes  hosts  the  multicultural  festival,  which  is  always  one  of  the  best  events  on  campus.  Your  parents  do  not  need  to  have  an  accent  for  you  to  enjoy  this  event  either;Íž  itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  good  food,  entertainment,  and  solidarity  for  everyone.

And  another  thing,  every  other  college  is  embraced  by  their  town  and  the  town  has  pride  i n  the  school.  Santa  Cruz  would  collapse  if  UCSC  were  to  shut  down,  and  the  city  keeps  sueing  the  school,  knowing  that  our  tuition  pays  for  the  lawyers  that  defend  us.  And  what  the  fuck  did  we  ever  do?  Did  ZH FDXVH WUDIÂżF" 1R your  bullshit  city  plan-­ ning  one-­lane  streets  with  merging  up  the  ass  did.  Did  we  bring  drugs  to  this  city?  Well,  considering  that  when  I  moved  in  front  of  the  high  school  and  a  14-­  year-­old  boy  offered  me  Tina  and  I  didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  know  what  that  was,  and  I  learned  through  urban  dictionary  that  it  was  meth,  WKHQ QR , ÂżJXUHG LW ZDV ( because  if  I  took  it  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d  be  rollin,  ahh  get  it?

UCSC  deals  with  haters  all  day  every  day.  I  have  never  seen  The  Hills  but  I  think  itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  like  we  are  the  blonde  one  and  the  city  is  the  one  that  looks  like  she  is  always  looking  up,  with  the  brown  hair,  and  gains  a  chromo-­ some  every  time  the  camera  turns  on.

Santa  Cruz  does  have  a  hidden  gem,  the  )RUHVW RI 1LVHQH 0DUNV LQ $SWRV ,W LV D VHPL abandoned  State  Park  about  10  minutes  from  campus  that  is  covered  with  over  80  miles  of  trails.  These  trails  will  take  you  to  waterfalls  WKDW \RX PXVWQÂśW FKDVH 7KLV LV GHÂżQLWHO\ D great  place  to  hike  at  any  level.  That  forest  looks  very  different  than  campus  and  looks  straight  out  of Â

Jurassic  Park,  if  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  seen  it.  Can  I  be  done  being  nice  about  this  town?  May  I  rip  it  a  new  one  daddy?  Alright  here  we  goâ&#x20AC;Ś  Santa  Cruz  is  the  most  beautiful  city  I  have  ever  had  the  pleasure  of  living  in,  but  fuck  my  life  is  there  shit  wrong  with  it.  First  off  let  me  explain  that  the  trees  that  are  on  campus  arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  natural,  they  were  planted.  Cowell,  for  whom  was  QDPHG 8&6&ÂśV ÂżUVW FROOHJH ZDV a  logger,  and  many  of  the  trees  on  campus  are  third  genera-­ tion.

You  may  have  noticed  all  of  the  areas  that  have  bridges  over  them  on  campus.  Those  were  mining  projects  that  never  got  leveled  off,  so  those  arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  natural  either.  They  also  arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  high  enough  to  kill  you,  so  save  yourself  the  embarrassment  of  looking  like  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  doing  the  stanky  leg  when  you  walk  afterwards.

It  is  obnoxious  that  Santa  Cruz  perceives  itself  as  some  pristine  eco  bougee  area  when  it  still  has  a  huge  mining  operation  going  on  at  all  times.  Go  to  Wilder  Ranch  and  you  will  hear  explosions  go  off  every  couple  of  minutes  because  of  the  constant  extraction.  Being  a  EURZQ SHUVRQ , ÂżQG WKH H[SORVLRQV RIIHQVLYH Have  you  ever  been  to  Tahoe  and  thought  to  yourself,  I  was  just  in  some  bullshit  ugly  town  and  now  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  on  top  of  a  mountain  without  having  swerved  twice?  Well  shut  up  and  go  with  it.  The  17  freeway  has  curves  like  it  was  auditioning  for  the  cinematic  interpreta-­ tion  of  the  novel  Push  by  Sapphire.  How  is  it  that  Tahoe  is  a  straight  road  and  little  old  Santa  Cruz  mountain  has  13  speed  limit  changes  and  curves  that  are  banked  incorrectly?

Answer:  FUCK  POOR  PEOPLE.  The  city  of  Santa  Cruz  did  not  want  poor  folk  from  the  other  side  of  the  hill  to  come  dirty  our  city  with  their  poor.  Keep  in  mind  that  may-­ be  a  shit  car  can  make  it  on  the  17  now  if  they  drive  slow  enough,  but  back  in  the  day  when  cars  were  huge,  if  you  were  poor  you  stayed  home  when  it  was  hot.  Rich  people  didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  want  to  see  your  mug  splish-­splashin.  There  is  even  another  contradic-­ tion  in  Santa  Cruz  other  than  the  fact  that  the  crime  rate  is  climbing  and  yet  you  see  a  cop  likely  trained  by  Steven  Segal  on  every  corner.  The  Monterey  Bay  sanctuary  is  supposed  to  be  one  of  the  cleanest  bays  in  the  coun-­ try,  yet  the  San  Lorenzo  River  is  one  of  the  dirtiest  rivers  in  the  state.  Long  story  short,  people  in  the  mountains  are  allowed  to  do  whatever  the  fuck  they  please  (which  is  why  my  darkness  wont  go  up  there  ever),  and  they  are  building  a  bunch  of  illegal  habitations.  Problem  is,  if  your  house  is  unpermit-­

17

by Samer Hosn

ted  you  are  most  likely  not  going  to  call  anyone  to  come  to  your  house  to  empty  your  septic  tank.  So  WKH\ Ă&#x20AC;XVK WKHLU SRRS\ GRRS\ into  the  river,  indirectly  dumping  10x  the  legal  limit  for  fecal  coli-­ form  and  e.coli  in  the  water  at  Main  and  Cowell  beaches,  which  is  why  your  car  smells  like  balls  if  you  leave  your  wetsuit  in  it.

Other  than  the  facts  that  the  county  approved  a  pesticide  that  was  invented  to  induce  cancer  in  mice  to  test  chemo  on  them,  and  itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  being  used  on  strawberries,  and  that  rent  is  too  damn  high,  and  that  local  produce  is  on  average  three  times  more  expensive  locally  than  it  is  in  Los  $QJHOHV DQG WKDW , ZDV FDOOHG WKH 1 ZRUG when  I  was  in  Felton,  and  that  itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  not  right  to Â

w

call  anyone  that  but  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  not  even  black,  but  I  guess  I  was  just  as  close  as  that  town  will  get  to  seeing  a  black  person  and  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll  own  that  with  pride,  and  that  I  am  from  Long  Beach,  CA  and  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve  seen  more  crime  and  drugs  here  than  I  could  have  ever  fathomed  back  home,  Santa  Cruz  is  a  beautiful  town.  Face  the  ocean.  Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  look  behind  you,  unless  someone  says  you  smell  nice;Íž  there  is  a  guy  who  does  that  near  the  boardwalk,  he  has  three  teeth  and  one  leg. Â

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18

A Dream Deferred: Judyan Gonzalez’s Greatest Misses

by Gregory Ronquillo

Let's face it: Comedy is hard. If it weren't, every limp dick dork with an edgy attitude can get their tongue-­in-­cheek editorial about penises printed in a major student news publication. But let me tell you about Editor in Chief Rule #1 for Fish Rap Live!: Shoot it down, send it back. But rarely is it the case where an FRL! staffer proposes article after article, vague idea after harebrained, inane idea without any of them actually getting printed. This is the story of how our baby freshman staffer Judyan Gonzales spent the entire year opening his out and spouting the most half baked, nit witted ideas without any of them ever seeing the light of day. We all have our bad days, but this was a consistant 3 quarters of some real Philistine level shit. These are Judyan Gonzales' greatest misses.

Pianned Parenthood Premise: Okay, so you know how a capital ‘i’ looks like a lowercase ‘L’? Yeah? They do, right? Anyway, so what if there was a crazy conservative group that opened a center called 'PIanned Parenthood' with the I instead of an L to confuse people so that women seeking counseling services for their pregnancies would be tricked into going to this place and then like a trap door would open and they would be tied to a chair and shown, like, anti-abortion videos kind of like Alex in Clockwork Orange?

Yeah, that would be heck funny article. Front page?

Verdict: Umm... Maybe next issue?

Human Centipede Premise: Hey so you know the movie “Human Centipede”? Well what if instead of having three mouthto-butt they’re, like, butt to butt? And then they explode? Yeah, can I write an article about that?

Verdict: Shot Down

Zombie Malcolm X Premise: Okay so you know how, like, Malcolm X is dead? Well, what if we had him as a zombie talking about the new Twilight movie, saying how it's TVUZ[LY VU TVUZ[LY JYPTL & *H\ZL P[ OHZ ]HTWPYLZ HUK ^LYL^VS]LZ ÄNO[ing each other? Haha yeah, cause he's like a zombie. What, too soon?

Verdict: Shot Down

Jet Packs Premise: So you know how this school has administrators?

Well, like what if they also had jet packs to, like, show how they're ABOVE us, ya know?

Hahaha jet packs. Yeah.

Verdict: Shot Down

Baby Roommate Premise: Okay, so you know how, like, the college assigns you roommates? Well, what if you get a roommate that was, like, a baby? Hahaha and then you'd have to take care of him? Haha, so yeah like how many inches am I getting? Front page?

Verdict: Shot Down

Standing Room Only Premise: What if we said the University removed all lecture hall seats, making them "standing room only"? We'll say the administration made the changes as if it were a positive thing for students, with a mascot to coax them through the transition? It'll be making fun of the budget cuts and the administration patronizing responses.

Verdict: “A Good Article” by Judyan Gonzalez Actually got printed!

Telling Your Parents You Attend UCSC Premise: So the article's gonna be a really bland article about telling your parents you smoke weed and how they're upset at you for doing so, but I change every instance of the word "weed" to "attend UCSC". It. Writes. Itself.

Verdict: This article was a good idea, but contrary to popular belief, did not actually write itself, and never got written.

Gym Pants Premise: What if we said that the gym instituted a policy where they only wear parachute pants? Or, like Zubaz pants? And, like, everyone had to wear them. That would be ridiculous, right?

Hahaha.

Verdict: This joke wasn't as egregious as his previous works, and, while missing any real satirical merit, was a cute idea. I guess.

Actually got printed!

Harry Potter Joke Fan-Fiction Premise: Remember that book series [OH[ ÄUPZOLK SPRL 4 years ago? Well wouldn't it be funny if we like took it and mucked it all up and added like references to weed and sex and stuff like that!? Hahaha!

Verdict: No.

by Emmy Ballard

FRESHMENNNNNNNN!

I’m actually so glad I didn’t get into UCLA.

Was this taco truck always here?

The Fish Rap Live! May 31, 2011

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not alcoholism if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re underage.

19

This Week:

Tasting the Rainbow Room The Fish Rap Live! Dive Team is a group of individuals dedicated to truthfully reviewing local establishments, commonly referred to as â&#x20AC;&#x153;Dive Bars.â&#x20AC;? Interested in becoming a member of this heralded UCSC tradition? Email fishraplive@gmail.com.

You  know  a  night  out  at  the  bars  is  going  to  start  out  well  when  it  involves  taking  shots  with  the  bartenders.  Especially  when  the  bartenders  are  tastefully  dressed,  relatively  amiable,  and  know  how  to  make  your  nine-­dollar  drink  strong  enough  to  make  you  forget  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re  paying  nine  dollars  for  a  drink.  And  when  it  comes  to  the  Rainbow  Room,  alls  you  gots  do  is  spit  some  truth  about  your  Bachelorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  in  Feminist  Studies  and  youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll  be  shit-­faced  faster  than  you  can  say  â&#x20AC;&#x153;radical  possibilities.â&#x20AC;?

Full  of  more  shots  than  that  kid  from  Cali  Swag  District,  we  KLW WKH GDQFHĂ&#x20AC;RRU ZLWK PRYHV WKDW FRXOG FKDULWDEO\ EH GHVFULEHG DV ÂłVSDVWLF´ DQG OHVV FKDULWDEO\ GHVFULEHG DV ÂłD SRWHQWLDO ÂżUH KD]-­ ard.â&#x20AC;?  Spinning  the  most  obvious  and  easy  Top  40  hits-­-­  Lady  Gaga,  Missy  Elliot,  Lady  Gaga  again,  and  Rihannaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  â&#x20AC;&#x153;Only  Girl  ,Q WKH :RUOG ´ OLNH WKUHH WLPHV LQ D URZ WKH GDQFHĂ&#x20AC;RRU ZDV alive  with  sweating  bods  and  a  disproportionate  amount  of  really  short  lesbians.  It  also  got  pretty  damn  crowded-­-­  having  come  to  adolescence  in  a  city  where  the  only  local  music  acts  wore  patches  proclaiming  â&#x20AC;&#x153;Punk  Isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  Dead,â&#x20AC;?  the  pressing  bodies  and  disorienting  effects  of  intoxication  triggered  an  instinctual  desire  to  FUCKING  MOSH  SLAMDANCE  IN  THE  PIT. So  needless  to  say  we  moved  outside.  Having  just  bought  a  QHZ SDFN RI FLJDUHWWHV , ZDV XQVXSULVHG WR ÂżQG WKDW HYHU\ERG\ wanted  to  strike  up  a  conversation  with  the  dude  willing  to  part   with  a  few  cancer  sticks.

First  moocher  was  some  guy  pitching  me  on  his  web  comedy  VHULHV , GLGQÂśW UHDOO\ JHW WKH MRNH RU ÂżQG LW WKDW IXQQ\ ZKLFK LV pretty  unfortunate  because  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll  laugh  at  anything  when  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  drunk  HQRXJK ,ÂśYH ODXJKHG DW 7RVK ZKLOH XQGHU WKH LQĂ&#x20AC;XHQFH $Q\-­

way,  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  pretty  sure  the  punchline  to  most  of  his  jokes  was  rape  or  racism  so  Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m  sure  heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll  be  incredibly  successful  on  Youtube.

Next  up  was  a  sweet  little  post-­grad  who  gave  me  a  good  UXQGRZQ RI EDU KLVWRU\ LQ 6DQWD &UX] 1RUPDOO\ WKLV ZRXOG EH something  we  would  recount  so  we  can  turn  Dive  Team  into  an  educational  article  about  the  slow  destruction  of  local  col-­ lege  town  color  through  the  KRPRJHQL]DWLRQ RI FXOWXUDO centers,  but  I  was  pretty  out  of  it  and  alls  I  can  recall  is  that  the  place  where  Motiv  is  ap-­ parently  used  to  be  pretty  Not  Shitty.  Mostly  I  just  remember  that  she  had  some  pretty  well-­groomed  armpit  hair  that  I  wanted  to  compliment  but  couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  think  of  a  way  to  do  so  with-­ out  sounding  sarcastic.

The  last  cig-­happy  chatty  Cathy  was  a  middle-­aged  lesbian  who  kept  bringin-­ ing  up  the  topic  of  vaginas  and  then  making  exaggerated  apologies  to  us.  Be-­ cause,  you  know,  gay  men  are  allergic  to  coo-­

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ties,  and  just  hearing  the  mention  of  female  repro-­ ductive  systems  (85%  of  all  cootie  transmissions  originate  through  vaginal  contact)  causes  them  to  break  out  into  hives.  Also  our  straight  teammates,  being  emboldened  through  intoxication,  started  WU\LQJ WR SLFN D ¿JKW RYHU SURSHU FXQ-­ nilingus  technique,  so  we  decided  to  peace  out.

Finding  myself  with  an  empty  pack  despite  having  only  smoked  two  ciga-­ rettes  that  night,  I  stumbled  over  to  the  convenience  store,  where  I  found  a  few  fellow  alcoholics  whom  we  had  lost  in  the  FURZG HDUOLHU 7KH\ ZHUH KDYLQJ GLIÂżFXOW\ ÂżJXULQJ RXW ZKHUH ZH ZHUH GHVSLWH EHLQJ QR OHVV WKDQ DERXW ÂżIWHHQ IHHW IURP WKH ERRPLQJ sounds  of,  yep,  another  play  of  â&#x20AC;&#x153;Only  Girl.â&#x20AC;?  At  this  point,  they  introduced  us  to  an  interest-­ ing  couple  consisting  of  an  unusually  fragile-­ looking  teenager  and  either  his  drug  dealer  or  his  boyfriend.  While  the  younger  dude  looked  like  he  was  going  through  a  hell  of  a  bad  trip,  his  indeter-­ minately-­relationed  partner  seemed  pretty  together  and  amiable.  He  left  us  with  his  ward  to  apparently  go  have  a  quickie  with  a  random  guy  in  the  back-­ alley  (or  at  least  thats  how  I  interpreted  it).

Not  really  up  for  babysitting  another  fragile  drunk  (I  have  roommates  for  that,  thanks),  we  split  for  the  evening.

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The Fish Rap Live! May 31, 2011

FRL! Application Name:

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Date and Description of first joke told (include audience reaction):

List 4 jokes in this issue: To become part of our art staff, draw something in the box below. Use this picture of Tom Waits as a duck for inspiration.

Did little Muffy-Wuffy drop her ice cream?

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Yes

No

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No

Do you have a moment to save the environment?

No

Sorry I’m late to class

In this blank space, draw a perfect circle (no tracing):

Do you have a party house?

No

Are you here because City on a Hill Press isn’t hiring?

Yes

Yes

No

What is your favorite color?

Yes

Jeffy ate a pill he found on the floor!

Yes

No

Sock-sock-shoe-shoe or sock-shoe -sock-shoe?

No

Huh?

The first one

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Cut out and return to: Fish Rap Live! UCSC Press Center 1156 High Street Santa Cruz, CA 95060 OR EVERY TUESDAY NIGHT, 8PM, UPSTAIRS IN THE ARCENTER

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Psychological Testing: Describe what you see in the images below.