Volume 22, Issue 1

Page 1

Late  Late  Edition WEATHER

IN THIS ISSUE:

Santa Cruz, CA Intermittent  sprinkling  and  three  XQVDQFWLRQHG 1DNHG 5DLQV QRQH of  which  will  count.

Vol.  XXII,  Issue  1

In this issue: TECHNOLOGY

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“News  Faux  Youâ€?

Non-­cents

SOLIDARITY

McHenry iPads Attract Controversy, Rats - Page  4

FINANCES

Tree 9 Suffers Budget Cuts - Page  8

CAMPUS

UCSC to Diversify Wildlife - Page  11

LOCAL

Veterans Day Walkout a Huge Success by David Dines

Area Man Buys Area Rug - Page  15

LIFESTYLES

Dining Services Introduce “Foodless Fridaysâ€?  -­  Page  14

Last  week’s  walkout  on  Thursday,  November  11,  proved  to  be  a  tremendous  victory  not  only  for  UC  Santa  Cruz  but  also  for  the  entire  University  of  California  system.  The  UC-­wide  protest  against  the  recent  eight-­percent  tuition  increase  proposed  by  President  Mark  Yudof  was  so  successful  that  not  a  single  student  attended  class  at  any  of  the  nine  undergraduate  campuses. In  the  past,  UCSC  protesters  have  barricaded  entrances  to  campus  ZLWK GUXP FLUFOHV DQG RUJDQLF SURGXFH VWDQGV LQ RUGHU WR EORFN WKH Ă€RZ RI YHKLFOHV EXW 7KXUVGD\ HIIHFWLYHO\ HOLPLQDWHG DOO WUDIÂżF RI VWXGHQWV and  faculty  without  such  dramatic  means.  While  some  might  see  this  as  a  demonstration  of  support  for  veterans  of  the  armed  forces,  students  of  the  failing  UC  system  attribute  their  actions  to  a  growing  discontent  with  tuition  hikes  and  the  grim  future  of  public  education. “Santa  Cruz  is  totally  anti-­war,  bro,â€?  said  UCSC  freshman  Thatcher  6PLWK DIÂżUPLQJ WKDW WKH PRWLYDWLRQ IRU 7KXUVGD\ÂśV GLVSOD\ ZDV HQWLUHO\ educational  and  not  at  all  a  sign  of  support  for  soldiers  past  and  present. Ken  Bridgeman,  leader  of  the  Santa  Cruz  chapter  of  S.U.C.K.I.T,  Students  Uniting  for  Comprehensive  Knowledge  of  Increased  Tuition, Â

described  Thursday’s  walkout  as  â€œfucking  epic,â€?  and  mentioned  some  big  plans  for  the  future.  â€œWe  are  hoping  to  reproduce  Thursday’s  success  in  the  coming  months  with  more  UC-­wide  walkouts.  As  of  now,  the  next  one  is  planned  for  the  last  Thursday  in  November.  We  are  also  taking  very  seriously  the  idea  of  a  month  long  walkout  beginning  in  early  December  and  concluding  sometime  in  the  New  Year.â€? But  by  far  the  most  ambitious  goal  is  set  for  summer  of  2011,  when  they  hope  to  organize  a  walkout  lasting  over  three  months.  â€œWe  hope  that  after  their  commencement  ceremonies,  all  students  of  the  UC  system  will  leave  their  respective  campuses  in  a  show  of  solidarity,  refusing  to  attend  classes  until  late  September.  Or  for  Cal  students,  sometime  in  August  depending  on  when  your  football  season  starts.â€? With  this  grand  outpouring  of  support  across  California,  students  remain  optimistic  about  the  future  of  the  UC  system.  Beginning  this  Saturday  and  Sunday,  students  and  faculty  at  every  campus  are  planning  to  make  their  voices  heard  with  a  two-­day  walkout.  Protesters  hope  that  WKLV ZHHNO\ FDOO WR DUPV ZLWK SODQV WR FRQWLQXH LQGHÂżQLWHO\ ZLOO IRUFH Yudof  and  the  administration  to  address  the  grievances  of  the  countless  thousands  of  frustrated  UC  Students.

http://tinyurl.com/corgiflop

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1 Editors-­in-­Chief Emmy  Ballard James  Shea Assistant  Editor Gregory  Ronquillo Content  Editor Nicole  Green Illustrators Fred  Liong,  Courtney  CastaĂąos,  Donald  Smith Copy  Editor Chloi  Rad Staff  Members Mark  Delyani,  Everest   Dillion-­Hurley,  David  Dines,   Eamon  Donovan,  James  Farmer,  Grant  Golland,  Nicole  Green,  Matthew  Olmos,  Victor  Orozco,  Chloi  Rad,  Amanda  Vivrette,   Brendan  Woodruff. Contributors Judyan  Gonzalez,  Gayle  Kouklis,  Tyler  Maack,  Darlene  McCoy,  Molly  McNinch,  David  Rothstein,  Allie  Ryan,  Matthew  Sherer,  Lauren  Tomicich,  Gil  Van  Der  Feins,  Sam  Weber,  Solomon  Wong $hout  Out Thank  you  Cowell  Senate! Join  our  ranks! Meetings  every  Tuesday  at  8  p.m.,  upstairs  in  the  ARCenter. Become  a  Fan  on  Facebook! search:  The  Fish  Rap  Live! Follow  FRL  on  Twitter ZZZ WZLWWHU FRP ÂżVKUDSOLYH Friend  us  on  Neopets  (seriously) Username:  Fishraplive Snail  Mail  Attn:  The  Fish  Rap  Live! Press  Center University  of  California,  Santa  Cruz 1156  High  Street Santa  Cruz,  CA  95064-­1077 ÂżVKUDSOLYH#JPDLO FRP Fish  Rap  Mantra “I  whip  my  hair  back  and  forth,  I  whip  my  hair  back  and  forth,  I  whip  my  hair  back  and  forth,  I  whip  my  hair  back  and  forth,  I  whip  my  hair  back  and  forth,  I  whip  my  hair  back  and  forth,  I  whip  my  hair  back  and  forth,  I  whip  my  hair  back  and  forth,  I  whip  my  hair  back  and  forth,  I  whip  my  hair  back  and  forth,  I  whip  my  hair  back  and  forth,  I  whip  my  hair  back  and  forth,  I  whip  my  hair  back  and  forth,  I  whip  my  hair  back  and  forth,  I  whip  my  hair  back  and  forth,  I  whip  my  hair  back  and  forth,  I  whip  my  hair  back  and  forth.

The Fish Rap Live! November 17, 2010

LETTER FROM THE EDITORS

v. No 0 201

Hey  babies,  it’s  been  a  while,  hasn’t  it?  Well,  better  late  than  never,  and  it’s  time  to  meet  your  new  mom  and  dad!  We’re  Emmy  and  James,  and  we  couldn’t  be  more  excited  to  lead  this  little  joke  paper  if  the  Giants  won  the  World  Series  seven  more  times  while  we  ate  whole  pizzas  and  got  footrubs  from  a  topless  Megan  Fox.  Actually,  scratch  that  last  part  -­-­  have  you  seen  homegirl’s  thumbs? At  any  rate,  we’ve  got  big  ideas  for  Fish  Rap  this  year  and,  even  better,  the  money  to  print  them!  Remember  last  year,  when  things  were  going  great  for  Fish  Rap  and  we  had  printed  some  quality  issues?  Well,  everybody  gradu-­ ated  and  we  started  off  this  quarter  with  -­$25  in  our  account  and  zero  advertisers.  So  if  you’re  wondering  why  we  haven’t  printed  all  quarter,  that’s  your  answer.  Sorry  about  that.  But  hey,  after  three  months  of  scrambling  for  funds,  training  our  bomb  new  staff,  and  desperately  trying  to  keep  ourselves  from  downing  Benzo-­Vodka  FRFNWDLOV ZHÂśYH ÂżQDOO\ JRW DQ LVVXH RXW Hey,  things  only  get  better  from  here.  We’re  like  the  old  dude  at  the  beginning  of  Up  when  he  was  a  little  boy  and  his  wife  wasn’t  dead  yet,  all  excited  and  eager  to  go  on  an  adventure!  Only  our  adventure  involves  generating  a  triweekly  comedy  paper,  so  it’s  less  of  an  adventure  and  more  of  an  albatross  of  dick  jokes.  But  it’s  a  really  cool  albatross. But  fo’reals,  we’ve  got  this  shit  on  lock  now.  Check  out  our  interview  with  the  sexy  George  Blumenthal  and  his  trusty  sidekick  on  page  4,  the  return  of  In  the  Mood  For  Food,  Dude?  on  page  8,  and  Greg’s  Dive  Team  debut  on  14.  Welcome  to  our  Fish  Rap  Live!                                                            Love,                        Emmy  Ballard  &  James  Shea 3 6 $ 6QHDN\ )R[ KDV PDGH RII ZLWK DOO RXU PRQH\ +HOS XV KDYH HQRXJK WR SULQW QH[W TXDUWHU DQG ÂżQG the  printing  funds  on  every  page! 'HDU ÂżVK SHRSOH You  guys  are  not  funny.  I  never  thought  that  Fish  Rap  was  funny  before.  How-­ ever  it  was  interest-­ ing  to  see  how  far  you  guys  would  go,  and  really  what  does  it  mat-­ ter  if  you  were  just  joking?  I  just  assumed  you  were  a  bunch  of  rich  white  kids  who  thought  they  were  being  funny.  Now  I  see  that  you  just  a  bunch  of  kids  try  desperately  to  be  funny  and  are  just  not  making  the  cut.   During  these  new  interview  for  your  staff  did  you  ever  once  ask  them  to  tell  a  good  joke  or  something?  I  will  never  forgive  you  for  making  me  think  about  the  chancellor  half  naked.  That  is  sick.  Well,  have  a  nice  day. /RYH 1LFROH 6XS 1LFROH If  you  thought  that  was  gross,  you  prob-­ ably  shouldn’t  read  page  15  of  this  issue,  just  sayin’.  Or  pages  8,  9,  or  11.  Really,  you  should  probably  just  put  this  issue  down  now,  while  you  still  have  a  full  stomach.  Maybe  take  a  nice  walk  instead,  and  think  of  pleasant  things.  You  should  also  check  out  this  really  cool  site  -­-­   google  Goatse,  it’s  really  neat.  Now  if  you’ll  excuse  us,  we  have  rich  people  things  to  do, Â

like  jumping  over  caviar  on  Segways  and   buy-­ ing  diamonds.    *OXE JOXE JOXE (PP\ -DPHV 'HDU ),6+5$36 /,9(  Are  you  stuck  in  the  recession? Hi,  it’s  Catherine.  With  this  economy  it’s  KDUG WR ÂżQG D MRE EXW GRQÂśW ZRUU\ :HÂśYH JRQH through  most  of  our  jobs  you  can  do  at  home,  but  we’ve  still  got  one  just  for  you.  The  great  thing  about  it  is  you  don’t  need  any  training  or  skills,  just  a  computer  and  an  internet  browser   !  It  doesn’t  matter  if  you’re  a  stay-­at-­home  mom,  a  high  school  dropout,  or  a  convict  â€“  this  can  help  you  start  a  new  life. If  you’re  serious  about  bringing  money  in  fast,  then  take  a  look  at  this  page  now! %HVW 5HJDUGV &DWKHULQH 7KRPDV +L 7RPFDW Oh,  word?  Cat  (can  we  call  you  Cat?)  how’d  you  know  we  need  scrilla?  And  how  did  you  know  our  staff  consists  of  convicts  and  stay-­at-­home  moms?  James  has  like  three  young’uns  to  feed  so  he  can  really  use  the  cash. I’m  curious  though,  what  kind  of  work  involves  just  an  internet  browser?  Do  you  need  us  to  like  help  grandpa  send  an  email  or  look  up  good  places  to  get  Chinese  food  on  a  weekly  basis  or  something.  How  can  you  know  if Â

we’re  actually  doing  our  job  and  not  just  check-­ ing  Facebook  all  day?  I  hope  your  response  is  â€œwe  can’tâ€?  because  that’s  what  we’re  going  to  end  up  doing,  just  putting  that  out  there  now. We’d  love  to  start  as  soon  as  possible.  Is  your  site  set-­up  to  work  with  Cruzpay?  Because  unless  you’re  pimping  some  under  the  table,  off  the  record,  untaxed  paychecks  you  can  take  your  job  and  shove  it.  Cruzpay  and  ad-­blocker  screwed  me  out  of  500  dollars  last  month.  We  hope  to  hear  back  from  you  soon!   *HW 3DLG (PP\ -DPHV +H\ DVVKROHV  Take  me  off  your  fucking  mailing  list.  *UXPS\ *XV +H\ *UXPSHOVWLOWVNLQ Before  we  remove  you  from  our  mailing  list,  we  request  that  you  choose  one  of  the  following  reasons  for  your  dissatisfaction  with  FISH  RAP  LIVE!: []  Too  much  spam []  Too  little  spam []  Too  many  emails  consisting  of  drunk      tirades  and  pictures  of  obscene  birthday         cakes. >@ &RXOGQÂśW ÂżQG WKH $5&HQWHU :H YDOXH \RXU IHHGEDFN (PP\ -DPHV

Box out the competition! $GYHUWLVH ZLWK The Fish Rap Live! (PDLO ÀVKUDSOLYH#JPDLO FRP

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NEWS BRIEFS 4Loko Approaches Gaga and Slayer Team FDA For Approval of Up For “Ultimate New “El Pollo” Flavor Monsters” Tour by Grant Golland

by Matthew Olmos

ROCKVILLE, MD – Spokesmen for the popular alcoholic energy drink 4Loko have begun negotiations with the FDA for the approval of a new line of energy drinks they’re claiming will be “Flame-­Grilled Perfection.” The 12.2% alcoholic beverage has become a favorite of college students everywhere, even right here at our own UC Santa Cruz. “I drink one before every class;; they really give me the right mind set to face the day,” said Cameron Stone, third-­year Sociology major, who was pounding a “four maxed” 4Loko at the time of the interview. “I’m most excited about the 4Loko Bowl,” said Stone when informed of this new development in energy-­drink/alcohol hybrids. “I’ve heard that it’s going to have everything I’m used to in a 4Loko but without all those empty calories.” “The 4Loko brand is always seeking new ways to please our customers,” said a representative of the company Saturday, “and this expansion into the world of healthy alternative casual dining is sure leave those tongues colored!” “This merger is going to be the best party ever. We’re even taking part of the slogan: ‘Loko for the People.’”

HOLLYWOOD, CA -­ Modern pop icon Lady Gaga and thrash metal legends Slayer have announced a world tour together, combining forces to form the “Ultimate Monsters.” While Lady Gaga is no stranger to adding variety in her tour partners, Slayer has never toured with anyone quite so far out of their genre. 7KRXJK SXEOLFLVWV IRU ERWK SDUWLHV KDYH FRQ¿UPHG WKDW rehearsals are already underway for this massive event, which will reportedly feature “face-­melting solos and mind-­melting collaborations,” no actual concert dates have yet been announced. Bassist/vocalist Tom Araya has described the event as “a fucking trip. I can’t wait to do this shit.” Gaga’s Haus Of Gaga team of gay rights activists and publicists have yet to respond to the allegations that she plans to make long-­time Slayer guitarist Kerry King wear a bubble suit. “She’s the queen of pop,” Kerry said. “We just want to make sure that she reigns in blood.” Lady Gaga, predictably, was “kinda busy-­ kinda-­ kinda busy,” when reached for comment about the upcoming tour, but her production company assures us that she is more than ready. “Forget nu-­metal,” said Araya, “this is un-­metal!”

Giants Win World Series, Demolish Parts Of San Francisco by Gregory Ronquillo SAN FRANCISCO, CA -­ The San Fran-­ cisco Giants have won the World Series, much to the city of San Fransisco's dismay. "Usually, when they're losing, they just go to San Bruno State Park and sulk. But when they're winning, they take out their joy and ex-­ citement on the city," mayor of San Fransisco Gavin Newsom said in a

press conference on Friday. The major league baseball team often wreaks havoc upon the city when they are on a winning streak. The sheer size of the team-­ mates makes it impossible for them to interact with the metropolis without destroying large portions of downtown. The Giants baseball team is composed of giants of all kinds. The 50-­foot Cody Ross, Brian Wilson's giant beard,

Godzilla, Barry Bonds' giant head, and Hagrid are among the team that attacked the Mission district. "Godzilla blew up my favorite taco stand. That was so not chill," Mission district resident Mark Lamar commented. "And for them to have Hagrid is just cruel. He has hands the size of trash can lids!" The mutations that turned the team into 50-­foot giants started when an alleged shipment of Barry

Bonds' steroids was allegedly dumped into the team's Gatorade in 2005. Barry Bonds com-­ mented on the allegations, saying in a press conference, "Nah that was… protein… Soy protein. Radioactive soy protein. I bought it at GNC." Baseball fan Howard Byrnes has lived through one series bid back in '62. "I don't even know how they win, have you seen them swing bats? It's like a normal human swinging a tooth pick. And when they run the bases, they usually kill half the stadium. God help us all."

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The Fish Rap Live! November 17, 2010

4

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To Avoid Cuts, Rat Infestation at Freshman Insulted, Psychology Declares McHenry Raises Dies of Itself a ‘Real Science’ Questions, Concerns Wicked Burns

by Edward Malus

by Little Albert

by Gregory Ronquillo

Tragedy  struck  UC  Santa  Cruz  earlier  this  week  when  a  freak  accident  sadly  took  the  life  of  a  valued  easy  target  from  the  stu-­ dent  community.  Javier  Muniz,  one  of  the  school’s  biggest  dorks,  died  after  sustaining  3rd-­degree  burns  in  the  College  9/10  dining  hall. Muniz,  a  freshman  student  known  for  his  all  around  â€˜noob’  EHKDYLRU ZDV HQMR\LQJ D PHDO ZLWK KLV Ă€RRU PDWHV ZKHQ KH  spotted  mini-­pizzas  being  taken  out  of  the  oven. According  to  Trevor  Xiong,  a  nearby  student  who  witnessed  the  accident,  Muniz’s  injuries  appear  to  have  been  the  result  of  a  â€œway  too  easyâ€?  verbal  set-­up:  â€œWell,  when  he  saw  those  mini  pizzas  he  was  like,  â€˜Hey  look  at  those  mini  pizzas.  They’re  so  tiny!’  and  I  said  â€˜Yeah,  just  like  your  dick!’  Then  he  fell  down,  yelling  in  pain.â€?  Medical  experts  state  that  Javier’s  pathetic,   out-­of-­shape  body  was  consumed  by  the  â€œcrazy  intensityâ€?  of  Xiong’s  burn,  killing  him  almost  instantly. The  College  9/10  dining  hall  has  regularly  been  assailed  for  its  lack  of  precaution  and  safety  measures  in  preventing  easy,  high-­level  burns,  snaps,  scallywaps  and  other  dangerous  injuries  to  the  ego.  With  an  estimated  134  freshmen,  sophomores,  and  transfer  undergraduates  requiring  hospitalization  for  conditions  ranging  from  Severe  System  Shock  and  Major  Butt  Hurt  last  year  alone,  9/10  has  been  called  one  of  the  most  dangerous  dining  establishments  on  campus.  â€œNot  many  people  are  aware  of  the  danger  that  so  many   students  face  on  this  campus,â€?  explained  Alice  Erryday,  a   Student  Health  Center  representative.  â€œThese  kids  are  spending  their  formative  years  away  from  home,  thrust  into  a  new  culture  where  coolness  is  highly  valued,  and,  let’s  be  honest,  some  of  them  are  total  dorko  shoobies.  Thrust  them  into  an  environment  ZLWK WKH EULJKWHVW DQG EHVW EXOOLHV IURP DFURVV WKH VWDWH" <RXÂśUH going  to  have  some  casualties.â€? “It  sucks  he  died  â€˜cause  it  was  fun  to  clown  on  him,â€?  stated  Xiong.  â€œLike  10  minutes  before  he  died  he  was  eating  a  corn  dog  and  I  was  like,  â€˜Hey  look  Javier  is  eating  a  dick.’  I  mean,  it  ORRNHG OLNH D GLFN :KDW ZDV , VXSSRVHG WR GR"´ 'XH WR WKH GLVÂżJXUHPHQW FDXVHG E\ WKH ZLFNHG EXUQ -DYLHU will  be  having  a  closed-­casket  funeral.

After  over  40  years  in  the  Social  Science  Division,  UCSC’s  Psychology  department  has  announced  that  it  is  dropping  the  â€œsocialâ€?  and  going  all  â€œscience.â€?  â€œDue  to  the  exponential  reduction  in  staff,  class  availability,  DQG FKLOG VDFULÂżFHV WR RXU XQKRO\ SUDFWLFHV ZH DUH EHLQJ IRUFHG to  take  new  measures  to  protect  ourselves,â€?  Psychology  depart-­ ment  representative  Joseph  Bimzardo   announced  late  last  Fri-­ day.  â€œIf  this  means  shielding   ourselves  under  the  watchful  eye  of  the  Sciences,  so  be  it.  We  use  computers  sometimes  too,  you  know.â€? The  decision  comes  in  light  of  recent  documents,   accidentally  leaked  when  EVC  Galloway  checked  â€œbcc:   everybody,â€?  which  proposed  budget  cuts  to  the  major  ranging  from  increased  furloughs  to  â€œeradicating  the  vile  Freudists  and  salting  the  land  where  they  once  stood.â€? “Unfortunately,  this  school’s  bias  towards  anybody  with  an  (UOHQPH\HU Ă€DVN DQG D SRFNHW FDOFXODWRU PHDQV ZH JRWWD SXW RQ our  game  face,â€?  Bimzardo  explained. The  Psychology  department,  however,  already  faces   UHVLVWDQFH IURP WKRVH DOUHDG\ ZLWKLQ WKH VFLHQFH ÂżHOG Âł3V\FKRORJ\" 3IIW ´ GHFUHHG (OHFWULFDO (QJLQHHULQJ   Department  Head  Isaac  Salazar  from  his  gold  fortress  atop  Jack  %DVNLQ Âł'R WKH\ HYHQ NQRZ KRZ WR '2 VFLHQFH" , PHDQ OLNH , bet  they  just  talk  about  feelings  and  stuff,  like  a  bunch  of  girls  or  something.  Heh.  More  like  SUCKology.â€? Âł,WÂśV QRW WKDW SV\FKRORJLVWV GRQÂśW XVH VFLHQWLÂżF UHVHDUFK ´ commented  Danielle  Stargaze,  Astrology  Department  Chair.  â€œIt’s  just  that  they  creep  us  the  fuck  out,  the  way  they’re  always  watching  you.  I  swear  to  god,  it’s  like  they’re  just  waiting  for  a  moment  of  weakness.â€? “Fuckin’  traitors,â€?  mumbled  Politics  representative  Gabe  Provel.  â€œFuckin’  rat  bastard  shithead  fucking  asshole  traitor   monsters.  We  just  got  stood  up.â€? Students  in  the  major  have  expressed  similar  apprehension  over  the  change. Âł2K PDQ GR , KDYH WR WDNH PRUH PDWK UHTXLUHPHQWV"´  complained  third-­year  Stevenson  student  Patrick  Tuttlebaub.  â€œScrew  this,  I’m  changing  my  major  to  Sociology.â€?

UCSC's  McHenry  library  sits  in  the  middle  of  campus,  all  but  abandoned  by  the  vibrant  communities  that  surround  it. The  reason  is  simple:  RATS.  Thousands  of  them.  Perhaps  PLOOLRQV RI WKHP E\ WKH WLPH \RX ÂżQLVK UHDGLQJ WKLV DUWLFOH  UCSC's  McHenry  library  is  being  overrun  by  these  barbarous  furry  invaders.  While  driving  patrons  away  due  to  rat-­related  biohazards  and  the  general  unpleasant  odor  of  cheese  and  peanut  butter  is  a  staff  concern,  the  rat  infestation  has  created  a  vibrant  intellectual  en-­ vironment  for  those  rodent  scholars.  "While  I'm  upset  the  rats  have  driven  off  our  regular  library  patrons,  it's  nice  to  see  all  the  mice  reading  books  and  engaging  in  lively  debates,"  University  Librarian  Joseph  Meltzer  said  in  an  interview.  â€œThey’ve  even  started  a  campus  newspaper  called  The  Fish  Rat  Live.â€? Among  the  books  championed  by  the  rodent  patrons  are  Maus,  Flowers  for  Algernon,  and  The  Tale  of  Despereaux.  "Another  thing  we  learned,"  continued  Meltzer,  "is  that  the  rats  love  checking  out  McHenry's  new  iPads."  However,  the  burgeoning  rat  library  culture  has  raised   questions  and  concerns  with  some.  Some  patrons  of  the  library  DUH FRQFHUQHG ZLWK WKH LQĂ€X[ RI YHUPLQ XVLQJ UHVRXUFHV WKDW ZHUH at  one  time  exclusive  to  University  students. "I  don't  like  the  way  the  janky  rat  motherfuckers  be  hogging  all  the  reserve  books,"  said  Cowell  sophomore  Trevor  Perth.  "I  checked  out  the  French  1  book  Horizons  and  half  the  pages  were  DOO FKHZHG RQ 6WXSLG UDWV ZK\ DUH \RX HDWLQJ P\ )UHQFK ERRN" These  rats  aren't  nice,  like  Splinter  from  the  Teenage  Mutant  Ninja  Turtles.  They're  evil  and  shitty  like  Stuart  Little." While  many  regular  patrons  have  abandoned  the  library,  WKH JHQHUDO LQĂ€X[ RI SDVVHUE\ SDWURQV ZKR RQO\ XVH WKH OLEUDU\ for  its  easy  restroom  access  remain  unaffected  by  the  infesta-­ tion.  A  plague  of  vermin  this  size  hasn't  been  seen  by  the  UCSC  libraries  since  freshmen  learned  that  the  Science  &  Engineering  library  has  a  large  collection  of  Xbox  games. Fish  Rap  will  continue  to  report  on  this  pressing  issue  as  de-­ velopments  arise.

Q&A: Chancellor Blumenthal and EVC Galloway by James Farmer and James Shea It was October 7th. A Day of Action. While the campus sat paralyzed by student protests and people dressed up like zombies for some reason, Fish Rap Live! sat down for a special interview with Blumie & Galloway about the big issues.

FRL!:  You  said  in  your  opening  statements  that  you  feel  a  real  sense  of  enthusiasm  and  it  is  a  new  year,  so  we  wanted  to  know  if  you  had  DQ\ ZRUGV IRU WKLV \HDU V UHWXUQLQJ ÂżIWK \HDU VHQLRUV" George  Blumenthal:  Well,  I'm  glad  they're  still  committed  to  the  university  and  to  getting  an  education,  and  they  shouldn't  IHHO EDG DERXW EHLQJ ÂżIWK \HDU VHQLRUV EXW WKH\ should  probably  start  working  towards  an  end  game  plan.  We  welcome  them  back  just  like  all  our  returning  students. FRL!:  Do  you  have  any  tips  for  the  new  students  on  how  to  beat  the  )UHVKPDQ " Blumenthal:  (pause)  Is  that Â

OLNH XQLWV" Director  of  Public  Information,  Jim  Burns:  It's  weight  gain. FRL!:  Yeah,  like,  with  all  new  food  choices  and  stuff  they  tend  to  gain  weight  in  an  approximate  of  15  pounds. Blumenthal:  I  do  have  some  tips.  I  can  proudly  tell  you  I've  been  on  a  diet  myself,  I  lost  about  23  lbs.  Really,  it's  just  diet  and  a  lots  of  exer-­ cise.  You  should  take  advantage  of  our  OPERS  gym  facilities,  join  an  intramural  team.  A  lot  of  the  college  dining  halls  have  begun  offering  Meatless  Mondays,  which  is  a  great  way  to  monitor  your  eating  habits.  It's  possible  to  watch  your  weight  very  easily  that  way;Íž  my  daugh-­ ter  became  a  vegetarian  recently.   Don't  go  overboard,  obviously,  but  ZDWFK \RXU GLHW SDXVH :K\ GLG , WKLQN LW ZDV XQLWV" FRL!:  Now  this  one  is  for  the  new  Executive  Vice  Chancellor,  Alison  Galloway.  Fish  Rap  has  picked  up  claims  that  tour  groups  have  been  telling  potential  students  that  you  served  as  a  consultant  for  the  hit  FOX  television  show  â€œBones.â€?  Is  this  true,  and  if  so,  is  Emily  'HVFKDQHO DV VPDUP\ DV VKH VHHPV RQ 79" Galloway:  I  have  never  served  as  a  consultant  on  â€œBones.â€?  Never.  But  I  have  known  Kathy  Reichs,  she's  the  writer  of  the  books  the  show  is  based  on.  I  have  watched  it  once  though.  And  like  most  people  who  watch  a  show  about  their  profes-­ sion,  once  was  enough. FRL!:  As  the  new  Executive  Vice  Chancellor,  you're  taking  on  a  lot  of  inherited  bitterness  from  the  student  body.  In  10  words  or  less,  why  are  you  FRROHU WKDQ 'DYLG .OLJHU" Galloway:  Because  I  hack  up  dead  bodies  for  real. FRL!:  8  words.  God  damn.

The Fish Rap Live! November 17, 2010

The Fish Rap Live! November 17, 2010

6

http://tinyurl.com/animeswag

FRL! Investigates: Gonzo Journalism

by Mark Delyani

Strange  memories  on  this  nervous  night  in  Santa  Cruz.  Five  days  later?  Six?  It  seems  like  a  lifetime.  My  central  memory  is  ZKHQ , OHIW WKH %D\ $UHD KDOI FUD]\ DQG LQVWHDG RI JRLQJ KRPH aimed  the  big  Santa  Cruz  metro  bus  across  Highway  17  at  55  miles  an  hour,  booming  through  the  religious  retreats  and  neo-­ hippie  communes  of  the  Santa  Cruz  Mountains. Âł,WÂśV FDOOHG JRQ]R ´ VDLG %LOO\ 3 DV RSDTXH VKHHWV RI  cannabis  smoke  languidly  billowed  from  his  mouth,  intricately  curling  and  forming  increasingly  complex  mandalas  with  every  syllable.  Gonzo.  Gonzo.  Just  the  word  seemed  exciting,  making  my  lips  and  the  tip  of  my  tongue  tingle  with  anticipation  of  the  adventures  to  come. Someone  once  told  me  of  an  old  Irish  saying,  a  blessing  to  travelers  -­  may  the  road  ahead  rise  to  meet  your  feet;Íž  and  as  I  set  out  on  that  cold  bright  morning,  to  meet  my  feet  the  road  did  ULVH 0\ EODFN (GGLH %DXHU EDJ ÂżOOHG ZLWK QRWHERRNV WH[WERRNV DQG VQDFNV , GHVFHQGHG WKH VWHSV RI P\ VHFRQG Ă€RRU DSDUWPHQW and  into  the  miasma  of  mist,  a  mixture  of  excitement  and  the  IRJ RI DQ HDUO\ DXWXPQ 6DQWD &UX] PRUQLQJ P\ L3RG ODXQFKLQJ VDOYRV RI /DG\ *DJD DQG $UFDGH )LUH LQ WXUQ GLUHFWO\ LQWR P\ core  consciousness. On  the  road,  in  a  woody  area  somewhere  kinda  close  to   3RUWHU RU .UHVJH GHHU OLNH EDWWOHVKLSV VLOHQWO\ GULIW LQ DQG RXW RI P\ ÂżHOG RI YLVLRQ WZLQNOLQJ LQ DQG RXW RI H[LVWHQFH OLNH WKH VWDUV and  planets  through  the  history  of  the  cosmos.  I  meet  my  friend Â

6NHWFK\ -HII E\ D EULGJH DQG KH WHOOV PH ZKHUH , FDQ ÂżQG *RQ]R Sketchy  Jeff  and  I  walk  through  Science  Hill,  over  the  bridge  and  into  College  9  and  the  forests  beyond.  I’m  probably   somewhere  near  Tree  9  or  something,  but  it  all  looks  like   $SRFDO\SVH 1RZ ZLWK XV LQQRFHQWV WUDYHOLQJ LQWR WKH YHU\ heart  of  the  dark  forest  of  human  excess.  We  hear  a  rustling  from  a  stand  of  trees  off  to  our  left,  and  a  fuzzy  blue  shape  of   LQGHWHUPLQDWH RULJLQ SUHVHQWV LWVHOI WR XV $V LW WXUQV WRZDUGV us,  I  can  tell  that  it  is  none  other  than  the  Muppet  Gonzo  the  *UHDW , ZRQGHU EULHĂ€\ ZKHUH WKH SXSSHWHHU LV 2U ZRXOG LW EH  muppeteer?  I  was  never  clear  on  this  distinction),  or  whether  or  not  there’s  a  hand  sticking  up  Gonzo’s  ass. /LNH D IX]]\ EOXH <RGD KH VDLG LQ D VFUDWFK\ YRLFH Âł7UXH *RQ]R MRXUQDOLVP FRPHV IURP LQVLGH <RX WDNH H[WHUQDO HYHQWV ODUJHU WKDQ \RX DQG WKHQ ÂżOWHU WKHP WKURXJK \RXU FRQVFLRXVQHVV to  pull  the  true  facts  and  meanings  from  them.â€?  When  I  heard  that,  it  felt  like  a  door  was  opened  in  my  soul,  but  all  I  could  do  ZDV DVN ZKHUH 5L]]R WKH 5DW ZDV +H MXVW JDYH PH D ZHLUG ORRN and  I  woke  up  in  the  fountain  outside  of  the  Crown  dining  hall. Maybe  none  of  it  happened  -­-­  maybe  I  just  dreamt  it  or  ate  too  much  candy  or  something.  But  it  all  felt  so  real,  like  I  could  reach  out  and  actually  touch  and  feel  Gonzo’s  beak-­nose-­thing.  Even  if  none  of  it  actually  happened,  I  have  the  experience,  or  an   H[SHULHQFH DW DQ\ UDWH 3OXV , OHDUQHG SRVVLEO\ WKH PRVW  important  thing  about  Gonzo  journalism  in  relation  to  real  life;Íž  that  journalism,  and  Gonzo  journalism  in  particular,  is   H[SHULHQFH ÂżOWHUHG WKURXJK WKH ERG\ OLNH D 6LEHULDQ VKDPDQ Â

 HDWLQJ WKH $PDQLWD 0XVFDULD PXVKURRP DQG ¿OWHULQJ WKH WR[-­ ins  with  his  body,  then  the  followers  drink  his  psychoactive   substance-­laced  urine  and  then  trip  balls.  Balls  of  knowledge. $QG WKDW , WKLQN LV WKH KDQGOH WKH VHQVH RI LQHYLWDEOH  victory.  Our  energy  will  prevail,  streams  of  consciousness  will  twist  and  tumble  through  the  universe  at  large.  We  all  have  the  momentum;͞  we  are  all  riding  the  crest  of  a  high  and  beautiful  wave  of  Gonzo  journalism.

Who Picks the Fro Yo Flavors? by Matthew Sherer Coffee-­hazelnut.  Banana-­choc-­ olate.  Chocolate-­vanilla.  Not  only  do  these  remind  us  of  the   hyphenated  surname  that  your  cunt  of  an  ex-­wife  kept  after  the  divorce  to  get  your  kid  into  private  school,  these  words  also  hark  back  to  our  childhood  memories  at  the  ice  cream  shop,  when  we  ordered  malts  with  our  sweethearts  at  the  drugstore  counter.  But  now  that  we  are  grown  up  and  are  attending  university,  ice  cream  is  back,  with  machines  churning  the  frozen  treats  at  dining  halls  across  campus.  1HZ Ă€DYRU FRPELQDWLRQV DUH LQYHQWHG GDLO\ $ERXW RQFH D ZHHN D GLQLQJ KDOO ZLOO UHYHUW WR the  classic  chocolate  and  vanilla,  but  I  have  come  to  appreciate  the  debut  of  a  new  variety  of  soft  serve  nearly  every  day  of  the  week.  I  have  enjoyed  apple-­berry  vanilla,  and  peanut  butter-­chocolate.   College  Eight  has  a  dogshit-­mango  swirl,  but  the  mango  part  is  seemingly  non-­existant. Needless  to  say,  students  here  scream  for  ice  cream,  but  some  of  those  screams  have  soured  into  rumblings.  I  took  a  brief  survey  of  my  hall,  searching  for  opinions  on  the  cream’s  quality.   Comments  ranged  from  mild  to  wild. “I  like  it,â€?  a  man  called  â€œThe  Hall  Squidâ€?  said.  â€œIt’s  soft,  comfortable,  and  makes  me  feel  good  about  myself.â€? Others  were  colder  in  their  judgement.  â€œNobody  likes  fucking  pineapple  or  mango.  The  tropical Â

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The Fish Rap Live! November 17, 2010

IUXLW VKLW KDV JRW WR JR ´ IUHVKPDQ 6KLUOH\ $WDSLNQLF GHPDQGHG But  the  ice  cream  machines  sit  in  a  swirl  of  controversy.  Many  have  theories  about  who  decides  WKH GDLO\ Ă€DYRUV DQG IURP ZKHUH RXU LFH FUHDP WUXO\ RULJLQDWHV 6RPH HYHQ EHOLHYH LQ D VHFUHWLYH JURXS RI HOGHUV ZKR PHHW LQ VHFUHW WR GHFLGH ZKDW QHZ VHFUHW LFH FUHDP Ă€DYRU ZLOO HPHUJH WKH following  day.  â€œI  saw  robed  men  meet  on  the  31st  minute  to  speak  of  frozen  dairy,â€?  dining  staff  member  Jenna  Tals  said  in  an  interview  after  her  night  shift.  â€œIt  was  twisted,â€?  she  added.  I  was  intrigued  by  Jenna’s  comments,  but  I  met  them  with  a  sprinkle  of  doubt.  I  spent  the  next  ¿YH GD\V VHDUFKLQJ WKH JURXQGV E\ WKH 3RUWHU GLQLQJ KDOO IRU WKHVH P\VWHULRXV LFH FUHDP HOGHUV EXW WKH PRVW , FRXOG ÂżQG ZDV RQH VWXGHQW ZHDULQJ D EOXH 6QXJJLH 'LVDSSRLQWHG DIWHU ÂżQGLQJ QR answers,  I  cursed  the  dairy-­dessert  men.  They  didn’t  even  exist  and  I  hated  their  guts.  I  stormed  out  of  the  dining  hall  in  a  rage  of  lactose  intolerance. , ZDV UHWXUQLQJ WR P\ GRUPLWRU\ ZKHQ , QRWLFHG D IDPLOLDU ÂżJXUH VWDQGLQJ QHDU P\ GRRU ,W ZDV the  man  in  the  blue  Snuggie  from  the  dining  hall.  â€œWhere  are  you  going?â€?  I  asked.  â€œI  am  going  to  a  sporting  event,â€?  he  blurted  out.  I  looked  him  straight  in  the  eyes  as  I  gauged  his  response.  I  watched  sweat  beads  form  on  his  forehead.  I  had  him.  â€œThere  are  no  sporting  events  in  Santa  Cruz!â€?  The  man  in  the  Snuggie  made  a  mad  dash  for  the  exit.  I  dived,  grasping  his  legs  before  he  could  Ă€HH Âł:KR GR \RX ZRUN IRU"´ , GHPDQGHG WR NQRZ 7KRXJK WUDSSHG KH FULHG RXW Âł<RXÂśOO QHYHU JHW anything  out  of  me!â€?  He  placed  an  object  into  his  mouth,  and  his  solid  body  melted  and  dissolved.  $ EURZQ LQYLWDWLRQ OD\ LQ WKH SRRO RI OLTXLG , SLFNHG LW XS WR UHDG ,Q WKUHH OLQHV ZDV FOHDUO\ ZULWWHQ 7RPRUURZ 0HUULOO S P , HQWHUHG WKH 0HUULOO GLQLQJ KDOO DQG GLVFRYHUHG D FDQGOH OLW URRP ZLWK D ODLU OLNH TXDOLW\ $OO the  tables  were  shoved  to  the  side  except  for  a  single  round  table,  which  lay  in  the  center.  There  ZHUH WHQ KRRGHG ÂżJXUHV VLWWLQJ LQ D SDWWHUQ DW WKH URXQG WDEOH 7ZR ZKLWH JX\V VDW in  between  two  black  men,  and  two  strawberry  men  beside  them  rounded  out  the  Ă€DYRU FLUFOH 7KH\ FDOO WKHPVHOYHV WKH ,FH &UHDP (OGHUV RI WKH &RQH 2UGHU The  Elders  began  their  gathering  by  chanting  the  Creamer’s  Creed,  a  pecan  paean.  To  conclude  their  chant,  they  raised  their  hands  above  their  heads  in  a  cone  shaped  â€œV,â€?  and  in  gruff,  booming  voices  they  shouted  LQ XQLVRQ Âł:H VFUHDP IRU ,&( &5($0 ´ 7KHQ DOO ZHUH VLOHQW , SXW my  pen  to  my  notepad  expecting  an  animalistic  ritual  or  some  cool  shit  like  that.  But  I  didn’t  get  to  see  my  ritual.  Their  leader  banged  a  gavel  on  the  table,  and  ordered  the  meeting  adjourned.  On  his  way  out,  I  caught  the  head  Elder,  Larry  Shvitzy,  at  the  GRRU DQG DVNHG KLP ZK\ WKH 2UGHU GLG QRW FKRRVH D VRIW VHUYH Ă€DYRU for  the  following  day’s  dessert. Âł:H XVHG WR FKRRVH WKH Ă€DYRUV HYHU\ QLJKW %XW VLQFH WKH EXGJHW FXWV ZH FDQQRW DIIRUG WR FDUU\ RXW RXU ÂżQDQFLDOO\ EXUGHQVRPH ULWXDOV ´ 0U  Shvitzy  said.  â€œNow,  we  blindfold  John  Stamos  and  sit  him  down  in  front  of  a  selection  of  food  coloring,  which  he  is  instructed  to  consume.  The  color  of  KLV UHVXOWLQJ VKLW LV WKH Ă€DYRU RI WKH IROORZLQJ GD\ÂśV LFH FUHDP ´

http://tinyurl.com/dogphantbff

FRL! Presents:

Overheard in Santa Cruz

The New Sammy Slug Mascot

Whatever happened to discreet conversation? We’ve got our ears on you. And you’ve got your mind in loud, perverted, irreverent, insightful, idiotic, and generally inappropriate gutters. Welcome to “Overheard in Santa Cruz.”

Sammy the Slug has been Santa Cruz’s loyal mascot since 1965, a constant beacon of the campus’s not-too-serious attitude and free-wheeling sense of nonconformity. But to quote the immortal Bob Dylan: “Man, shit is changing.” Sammy doesn’t fit into the campus culture anymore, because let’s face it, who identifies with a goofy-faced half-naked pear-shaped slug? Meet Sami. He’s the new face of campus culture, the new student of Santa Cruz. He’s hip, he’s fresh, he’s cultured, and most importantly he’s marketing-approved. I’m sure you’ll get along great.

Sami wears his sunglasses (they’re brand new circular Ray Bans, ‘natch) at night, in the day, and during chill seshes. They look great and hide his bloodshot eyes.

The handle bar mustache is a welcomed contrast to the scruffy beard. The manicured mustache provides a necessary dissimilarity to the sovereignty of the overgrown beard.

/RVW ¿IWK ¿QJHU DW Pergolessi after asking if he could pay with a bank card.

The Salvation Army cardigan aids in the subtle DGAF attitude that comes with wearing a used prickly wool sweater.

Only the avant-­garde are bold enough wear white after labor day.

7

“You took a shower today? Congratulations!” Outside Kresge Co-op 10/15/10

We decided to keep his anatomically incor-­ rect eye placement (portrayed on his tentacles instead of his main body column) because we think it’s ironic and therefore embraced.

The slight variation in color from classic yellow to “Canary Ochre” demonstrates Sami’s individuality.

“Guys, last night I had a dream that my entire Radiohead collection was erased. It was awful.“ Guy in Stevenson Dining Hall 10/21/10 “I like to watch the fog come in. Makes me feel like I’m in an Erlenmeyer flask, reacting to the chemicals.” Guy at Porter bus stop 10/21/10

I thought you were my bro, dude. I thought we were gonna go to J. Crew together!” Woodstocks 9/24/10 “I made vegetarian chili... except for the fish.” The slight scruff of a beard illustrates Sami Kitchen in Kresge as a mature, manly, and frazzled person. 9/21/10 Who has time for hygiene when there is so “I feel like Pixar could make a really good movie much to ponder, anyway? about The Holocaust.” Guy at party 9/22/10 The ever-­so-­coveted Ed Hardy “Salt Kills Slowly” tattoo portrays Sami as an individual who has experienced great pain, and has gone willingly into more pain to commemorate such pain.

The Heidegger text in his hand shows he’s not like the old Sammy, he reads lesser-­known philosophers. Fuck Plato, he ripped off Socrates anyway.

The thinner framed Sami lets every-­ one know that the only sustenance he needs is the intellectual nurturing of obscure authors, and vegan cheese on wheat crackers.

“If I was thirty pounds lighter, and thirty years younger you’d be in trouble. There might be snow on the chimney, but there’s still a fire down below.” Cougar at CVS 10/12/10 Guy: “Do you eat salads a lot?” Girl: “Yeah, most days.” Guy: “This is the first time I’ve made one. So, what kind of sauce should I put on it?” Stevenson Dining Hall 9/25/10 “My article is joke heavy. It’s got Type-2 joke diabetes.” Press Center 11/12/10 “His nickname was El Conejo. It means the rabbit.” “Oh, how many people has he killed?” Outlook Apartments 10/12/10 Hear something stupid? email fishraplive@gmail.com

ADVERTISEMENT Tighter jeans help protect against unsightly bike grease stains from frequent visits to the Bike Co-­op .

Barefoot, enough said.

The Fish Rap Live! November 17, 2010

8

http://tinyurl.com/cutemelon

In the Mood for Food, Dude? Fish Rap loves three things in the world: booze, TLC (the ‘90s girl pop band not The Learning Channel), and food. Usually all within the same hour. So when we’re not blacking out or chasing waterfalls, we like to seek out the dankest in cheap eats. In a world where “special seasoning” can be just another name for foodborne illnesses, In the Mood for Food, Dude? is there to weigh whether a meal is good enough to be worth tasting twice.

Burrito Bliss by Gil Van Der Feins

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Foods Wrapped in Plastic Taste Fantastic:

A Comprehensive Review of TV Dinners

by Victor Orozco

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Banquet Salisbury Steak :KDW¶V ,QFOXGHG &RUQ 0DVKHG 3RWDWRHV 6DOLV-­ EXU\ 6WHDN LQ 6DOLVEXU\ VDXFH DQG RQLRQV« , WKLQN 6XUSULVLQJ 'HVSLWH WKH RGG WH[WXUH RI ZKDW , WKLQN LV VXSSRVHG WR EH ELWV RI RQLRQ DQG WKH FOXPS\ VDXFH ZLWK WKH YLVFRVLW\ RI FKXQN\ HMDFXODWH LW WDVWHV JUHDW Final Verdict: $ QHZ ULYDO WR P\ ROG SHUVRQDO IDYRULWH &KLFNHQ )ULHG 6WHDN $OPRVW Final Score:

The Fish Rap Live! November 17, 2010

Banquet Swedish Meatballs :KDW¶V ,QFOXGHG 1RRGOHV 0HDWEDOOV FRYHUHG ZLWK 6ZHGLVK PHDWEDOO VDXFH" , FRXOGQ¶W HYHQ ¿QLVK DOO RI WKLV 0RXWKZDVK ZDVQ¶W HQRXJK VR , KDG WR ¿QG VRPHWKLQJ VOLJKWO\ OHVV JURVV WR SXW LQ P\ PRXWK , ZHQW WR WKH %OXH /DJRRQ WR ¿QG VRPH VNHHY\ JXWWHUSXQN FKLFN¶V VWUDQJH WR EXU\ P\ IDFH LQ Final verdict: ,Q KLQGVLJKW LW PD\ KDYH EHHQ D EHWWHU LGHD WR VWLFN WR VRPHWKLQJ JURVV LQ WKH IRRG GHSDUWPHQW /LNH 7RIXUNH\ Final score: 7RIXUNH\

Banquet Chicken Fingers 7LPH WHVWHG FODVVLFV 0\ RQO\ UHDO FRPSODLQW LV WKDW \RX QHHG D IRUN IRU WKH EURZQLH DQG WKH DVVKROHV RQO\ JLYH \RX WKUHH IXFNLQJ FKLFNHQ ¿QJHUV :KLOH WKH REYLRXV VROXWLRQ LV WR MXVW KHDW XS DQRWKHU RQH WKDW WDNHV DQ DGGLWLRDO PLQXWHV $V D UHVXOW , KDG WR QRW RQO\ JR JHW P\ PHDO ZKLOH , ZDV ZDWFKLQJ 6RXWK 3DUN EXW , DOVR FRXOGQ¶W KHDU VKLW RYHU WKH DQQR\LQJ IXFNLQJ VRXQGV P\ MDQN\ SLHFH RI VKLW PLFURZDYH PDNHV Final verdict: $W RQH GROODU ¿QH Final Score: 3

Banquet Chicken Fried Steak :KDW¶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inal verdict: 6HULRXVO\ ,I , KDG WR FKRRVH P\ ODVW PHDO LW ZRXOG EH VRPH LQFDUQDWLRQ RI WKLV Final score: %DFRQ

http://tinyurl.com/ironchefff

9

FRL! Official Diet Plan

Trend Report: Pica Nervosa

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by Brendan Woondruff

After Results not typical. The Fish Rap Live! November 17, 2010

http://tinyurl.com/circusofhorror

10

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Description

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by David Rothstein and Emmy Ballard

A  deer!  A  fucking  deer! The Fish Rap Live! November 17, 2010

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http://tinyurl.com/joinusjoinusjoinus

11

Welcome  To

The  Freshest  Catch,  Dolphin  Safe!

You  DOG!!  Mark  Yudof’s  Cellulite  Woes! Filed  under:  Body  Blunders  >  Mark  Yudof

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Welcome to FishRapLive.com UCSC’s Most Sassy Website!

E-mail Ă„ZOYHWSP]L'NTHPS JVT

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Jump to... Alison Galloway Area Man Avenue Skanks Big Dipper Brosef McPartyhead Fat Brendan Harry Budz George Blumenthal James Shea Jerry Brown Justin Bieber Mark Yudof Pink Man Porter Ball Chick Sammy Slug Short Shorts Man Skinny Brendan snakebro That Guy in Your Film Class To the left To the right Do the time warp again

Wowza! What's got Yudof down in the dumps and up in the plumps? C'mon Marky, get out of the Ben & Jerry’s, those fee increases are gonna pass! Maybe he's just putting on some extra pounds for Winter? Just kidding -- we all know that Yudof's 4-story “home away from home� is more than warm and cozy; and at 13,365 bucks a month it better be!

Sammy  the  Slug  Put  On  Academic  Probation;͞  Drug  Woes  Plague  Beloved  Mascot

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Filed  under:  Legal  Matters  >  Sammy  Slug

Sammy the Sluggie, or should we say “Druggie,� was the recent guest of a little visitor known as the Academic Standing Committee. Uh-oh! Sources from within the administration and close to Sammy told us that everybody’s favorite yellow slug is in capital-T Trouble over his grades, extracurricular behavior and, quote, “the crazy hella weed he smoke.� Bummer city! Fish Rap wants to wish Sammy the bestest of luck and hopes this misstep doesn’t turn into a fall! But if it does, oh man, we’re going to love every minute of it.

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Chancellor  SCANDAL:  Blumie’s  Nip  Slip Filed  under:  Oops!  >  George  Blumenthal

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The Fish Rap Live! November 17, 2010

http://tinyurl.com/intothevaultwithye

12

American Studies Finishes Goal of

“Finding All Problematic Things” in Society by Gregory Ronquillo

Cornel West lecturing on the systems of oppression in handshakes

Almost 80 years since its inception in 1928 by Vernon Louis Parrington, American Studies has finished its stated mission of uncovering all problematic things in American society. In the latest issue of American Quarterly, proclamation 4,387 was issued, culminates the field's long arduous process. The article read: “Problematic Thing Number 4,387: Heteronormative Traditions Inherent in Awkward Classroom Boners.” With this article, the American Studies Association has admitted there is nothing problematic left in society to nitpick. “I mean, we could definitely find other things that are problematic, but we're just be making shit up at that point,” ASA President Richard Crawl stated later in the issue. “We've uncovered a history of problematic things in society. Back in the '50s we broke intellectual ground when we discovered that racial segregation was deeply problematic. Since then, we've uncovered more and more problematic things in society. But now, it's safe to retire this word and this project once and for all.” Harsh criticism had been levied against the American Stud-

ies Association in the 1990s when the gravity of the problematic discoveries was questioned. In an email interview, critic Arnold Lynn contested American Quarterly's most recent proclamations: “Like, it's really cool that you figured out how racial hegemony is perpetuated in McDonald’s 'Shamrock Shakes', but do they even sell those anymore? Is any of this even relevant to our lives?” Critics have asserted that by relying on the word problematic to describe all aspects of society lacks the creativity and effort necessary to truly problematize an issue. Arnold Lynne continues his criticism: “It became such a blanket term in the '90s. They could say that the Iran-Contra scandal was problematic and then assert that capitalist inclines in the game “The Sims” is problematic in the same sentence. In a sense, using the word problematic is in and of itself a problematic term.” While the AMA has given up its obsession with all things problematic, President Richard Crawl has vowed that American Studies will not give up the core principles that have fueled it for nearly a hundred years. “While we shall no longer say things are ‘problematic,’ we will continue to do what we do best: complain about everything.”

Racialization of Animals in Disney Films:

A Sociological Perspective, Critically Analyzing the Discoursive Racial Formations Socially Constructed in Hegemonically Oriented, White Heterosexual Wealthy Male Gaze Film Structures With Critical Perspectives in Race Theory on Walt Disney Films, Including Classicism and Post-Colonial theory, Critical Race Theory, Theory Theory, Theorizing on Theories, Problemology, Ontology, Ologyology, Orgology, Lady Gagology, Endrochronology, Post-Colonorgicapavementisawesomeology, why handshakes are evil, discourse on discourses, yabaddaba doo Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase Hakuna Matata! Ain’t no passing craze It means no worries for the rest of your days It’s our problem-free philosophy Hakuna Matata! Hakuna Matata? Yeah. It’s our motto! What’s a motto? Nothing. What’s a-motto with you? Those two words will solve all your problems That’s right. Take Pumbaa here Why, when he was a young warthog... When I was a young wart hog Very nice Thanks He found his aroma lacked a certain appeal . He could clear the savannah after every meal I’m a sensitive soul though I seem thickheaded

by Gregory Ronquillo It’s not as if Disney invented racism, but they sure as hell have tried plenty hard to perpetuate it in their films. Since Old Man Disney’s creation of Mickey Mouse in 1933, problematic depictions of animals as racial stereotypes have been the film company’s bread and butter. After all, Mickey Mouse was himself first designed as a mouse in blackface. His name also suggests Disney’s deep seeded racial prejudice against the Irish, but that’s just my hypothesis.

Dumbo (1941) “Jim Crowe”

It’s pretty self explanatory. They were crows called “Jim Crowe.” If you don’t know why this is problematic, you’re probably gonna fail your Intro to Sociology class. Also, this film was only 64 minutes long. Fucking lazy animators!

Oliver & Company (1988)

Oliver & Company (1988)

Around the ‘80s, Disney started getting subtle with its racism. One noticeable slip up were the villains Roscoe and DeSoto from Oliver and Company, that spoke in deeply troublesome “urban dialect.” Being an obvious representation of “urban thugs” doesn’t help Disney’s millennium bid to not be racist, but this is the same company that did Song of the South; it’s in their mantra.

To complete the three-peat that was Disney’s Oliver and Company, Dodger was a cool street-wise Terrier voiced by Billy Joel that had a chill red bandana and sometimes sported “deal with it” Ray Ban sunglasses. Yeah, a fucking dog with Ray Ban sunglasses. Why this was problematic? Everybody knows Billy Joel isn’t cool.

Lady and the Tramp (1955) The Three Caballeros (1944) “Panchito Pistoles”

A prominent character in a lesser-known movie, Panchito Pistoles was the Mexican rooster from this Donald duck movie. The movie makes little sense, but still managed to horrify a generation of bearded white scholars who saw Panchito’s portrayal of Mexican culture as abhorrent and demeaning. When he was first introduced, he came out of an exploding piñata. It gets worse from there.

“Siamese Cats”

Do you remember those sketchy skinny cats with almond shaped eyes that were always ruining things for the Lady and had that song that was based on the pentatonic scale? If you look at those scenes with a keen critical eye you’d see that those cats are based on racial stereotypes of Chinese people. You have to wake up pretty early in the morning to put one over on me, Old Man Disney.

The Fish Rap Live! November 17, 2010

“Dodge”

“Roscoe” and “DeSoto”

Lion King (1988) “Rafiki”

Fucking look at him. Stop reading this, and look at that picture. His name is Rafiki and he smears paint on everyone’s face like an asshole.

Oliver & Company (1988)

Hannah Montana: The Movie (2009)

He was a Chihuahua, he was a scrappy thief who wore a bandana, and was voiced by Cheech Marin. ‘Nuff said.

For once, Disney did something that might offend mainstream America’s sense of culture and community. Disney managed to pull off its largest animal racialization yet, by dressing up a live pig as a teenage girl, and portraying her as middle-America’s cultural sensibility. For shame, Disney! Leave that pig alone!

“Tito”

The Jungle Book (1967) “King Louie”

Just look at the facts: It’s an orangutan, playing jazz and speaking in hip jive talk, singing about how he wants to be a human, “just like you.” Voiced by certified hip jazz cat Louis Prima, King Louie was the most cringe-worthy moment from the Jungle Book that have made academic audiences jump jive an’ wail for years.

“Hannah Montana”

BONUS: Lion King II: Simba’s Pride Rafiki was in this, and so was every other subtle racial stereotype, but none of that matters. The problem here is that THEY MADE A SEQUEL TO LION KING. How about we make a sequel to Hamlet, too? How about Hamlet 1½, the story as told by Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?

http://tinyurl.com/p4kmedia

13

FOR BETTER OR WORSE: A SERIES OF MUSIC REVIEWS by Grant Golland

The Books The Way Out

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BETTER THAN

Sufjan Stevens The Age of Adz

Twin Shadow Forget

reading,   writing,  looking  at  street  signs,  the  movie  Signs,  the  way  in,  the  way  through,  the  way  beyond,  the  way  across,  Across  the  Universe,  all  activists

WORSE THAN

winning  a  National  Book  Award,   getting  to  punch  and/or  make  love  to  J.K.  Rowling,  Abba  Zabbas,  30  Rock  Season  5,  a  really  good  turkey  sandwich,  â€œLike  a  G6â€?

BETTER THAN

allegations  of  child  embezzlement,  an  autographed  sushi  roll,  the  park  on  Ocean  Street,  the  state  of  Illinois,  the  state  of  the  union,  the  nation  divided

WORSE THAN

the  â€œAll  Delighted  Peopleâ€?  EP,  the  state  of  the  art,  the  minor  outlying  islands  and  other  U.S.  owned  land  abroad  (e.g.  naval  bases),  a  large  Oreo  shake,  â€œLike  a  G6â€?

BETTER THAN

OHJLW SXUSV D KRW WXE ¿OOHG ZLWK SXGGLQJ FKRFRODWH RU YDQLOOD \RXU ¿UVW \RJD FODVV PDVWHULQJ WKH XQLF\FOH KDQGVKDNHV ¿VW EXPSV discovering  a  star

WORSE THAN

FKURQ SXUSV D KRW WXE ÂżOOHG ZLWK SXGGLQJ (banana  only),  the  singer  of  this  band’s  hair,  Symphony  of  Science,  discovering  a  U.S.  minor  outlying  island,  â€œLike  a  G6â€?

Die Antwoord $. O. $.

Susan Boyle The Gift

> < > < > <

BETTER THAN

D KRW WXE ¿OOHG ZLWK SXGGLQJ FKRFRODWH RQO\ seeing  your  mom  give  birth  to  a  clone  of  you,  white  cats,  any  person  with  an  eyebrow  piercing,  Mooninites

WORSE THAN

D IUHH PHDO DW WKH KRXU GLQHU RI \RXU FKRLFH black  cats,  A  Band  of  Orcs  (look  â€˜em  up),  the  use  of  the  term  â€œmysteriesque,â€?  the  free  section  of  craigslist,  â€œLike  a  G6â€?

BETTER THAN

your  grandmother  dying  of  scoliosis,  your  grandmother  dying  of  osteoporosis, your  grandmother  dying  of  hemorrhoids,  your  grandmother  dying  of  tooth  decay

WORSE THAN

Belle and Sebastian Write about Love

BETTER THAN

My dissatisfaction with this film has nothing to do with acting, or narrative or style (as bad as they are), and everything to do with timing. If the fauxindie film scene was a bitchin’ party, Funny Story would be the guy showing up as America tries to scrub Juno’s puke stains out of its carpet the morning after. I question the relevancy of any film that uses “7/4 Shoreline� in their trailer with a straight face. Uhh, I heard about Broken Social Scene like three years ago, asshole. The story is simple enough: A depressed suicidal boy checks into a mental institution where he meets a magical wonderful girl that

saves his life and teaches him how to “live.� You can slightly change the middle part of the sentence, tweak it a bit based on what new market you’re trying to exploit, and you get a hip new relevant storyline. A depressed young greeting card worker meets a wonderful new girl at work that saves his life and teaches him how to “live� for 500 days. A depressed robot is left alone to clean up the entire world after an apocalypse but meets another magical wonderful robot that saves his life and teaches him how to “live�. A depressed young talking dog runs away from home where he meets a magical wonderful corgi that saves his life and teaches him how to “live�. Tentative title “Barking Up The Wrong Tree,� starring Jesse Eisenberg as a CGI border collie.

The  Bell  Jar,  dilution,  being  suckled  at  the  teat  of  beasts,  the  tenth,  eleventh,  and  thirteenth  centuries,  patriotism,  being  alone  on  Valentine’s  Day,  regret Belle  &  Sebastian  Write  About  Sex,  Belle  &  Sebastian  Write  About  Canada,  Belle  &  Sebastian  Write  About  R.  Kelly,  â€œLike  a  G6â€?

WORSE THAN

Fish  Rap  Live!  at  the  Movies! It’s Kind of a Funny Story

Aretha  Franklin,  Elton  John,  Olivia  Newton  John,  The  Olivia  Tremor  Control,  every  single  other  thing  being  reviewed  in  this,  â€œLike  a  G6â€?

Nothing  worth  paying  for  and  barely  worth  torrenting

Even their movie poster flubs the aesthetic. They look awkward as fuck, standing around like a couple of turds, looking off into the distance. And I’m pretty sure they used the same font as The Gods Must Be Crazy. This film’s biggest assets come from Zach Galifianakis (cast as “creepy awkward beardo� again), Emma Roberts (she was Hermione, right?) and taking place in a mental institution. That’s a pretty indie location to film. However, this film doesn’t feature a mental institution in the same vein as “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.� It’s sort of like a big high school full of quirky eccentrics. It shows mental instability and clinical depression in the same light as having an ironic beard and owning a “hamburger phone.� This film is simple, it’s dumb, it’s your culture regurgitating hackneyed

plots and eating its own scabs. Don’t see this movie. 0/5

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole

When it comes to kids movies, sometimes you gotta bite the bullet and take your lil sis to see the stupid CGI owl movie. Luckily, this is not one of those times, since Legend of Guardians will drive even the most avid child ornithologist to sneak into the next screening of Saw 3D. To wit: an actual plot point involves digging through owl shit, which is the kind of innovation I haven’t seen since Jurassic Park III. Worth seeing if you really like Zack Snyder, in which case you deserve this. 0/5

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The Fish Rap Live! November 17, 2010

http://tinyurl.com/sendusomelettes

14

This Week:

Bromance at The Avenue The Fish Rap Live! Dive Team is a group of individuals dedicated to truthfully reviewing local establishments, commonly referred to as “Dive Bars.” Interested in becoming a member of this heralded UCSC tradition? Email fishraplive@gmail.com. *UHJ 5RQTXLOOR , ZDV VR H[FLWHG WR JR WR P\ ¿UVW HYHU )LVK 5DS 'LYH 7HDP PHHWLQJ , MXVW WXUQHG D FRXSOH RI PRQWKV DJR DQG ZDV VWRNHG WR JR RXW ZLWK P\ ER\V KLW WKH EDUV DQG JHW RXU GULQN RQ , ZDV VR IXFNLQJ K\SHG :H ZHUH JRLQJ WR 7KH $YHQXH EDU RQ 3DFL¿F $YH VR ZH FRXOG UHDOO\ KLW LW RII ZLWK WKH VDOW RI WKH HDUWK , ZDQWHG WR IRUJHW DOO P\ WURXEOH NLFN LW ZLWK D EHHU DQG ZDWFK WKH DFWLRQ %XW ZKHQ , ZDONHG LQ , FRXOGQ W ¿QG WKH JDQJ , JXHVV , ZDV WKH ¿UVW RQH WKHUH , ZDV VWDQGLQJ RQ WKH ZHVW VLGH RI WKH EDU WKXPELQJ WKURXJK WKH MXNH ER[ IRU VRPH -RXUQH\ ³'RQ W 6WRS %HOLHYLQ ´ LV VXFK D KLODULRXV VRQJ DP , ULJKW" ZKHQ , VDZ 'DYLG 'LQHV ZDON LQ /HW¶V JHW WKLV SDUW\ started! 'DYLG 'LQHV :KHQ , ZDONHG LQ , VDZ *UHJ VWDQGLQJ SDWKHWL-­ FDOO\ QH[W WR WKH MXNH ER[ SUHWHQGLQJ OLNH KH V QRW DZNZDUG RU ORQHO\ +H ZDV SOD\LQJ VRPH WHUULEOH PXVLF WKDW KH SUREDEO\ SLFNHG IRU ³LURQLF YDOXH´ DQG FKHFNLQJ KLV SKRQH RYHU DQG RYHU , GRQ W UHDOO\ NQRZ *UHJ EXW , DP SUHWW\ VXUH KLV ER\IULHQG ZULWHV IRU City on a Hill +H MXVW JRHV RQ DQG RQ DW PHHWLQJV DERXW KLV EULOOLDQW LGHDV IRU SRRS MRNHV RU KRZ KH V JRQQD ZULWH DQ DUWLFOH PDNLQJ IXQ RI VRPH REVFXUH DFDGHPLF QR RQH V HYHU KHDUG RI 1HHGOHVV WR VD\ , ZDV QRW GRZQ IRU WKH LGHD RI GULQN-­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³1HUG 'HDG $IWHU -XVWL¿HG $VV .LFNLQJ´ LQ WKH 6DQWD &UX] 6HQWLQHO LW V SUHWW\ REYLRXV , UHVWUDLQHG P\VHOI ,I KH FDOOHG PH ³WKH ' 0DQ´ RQH PRUH WLPH , ZRXOG KDYH IXFNLQJ GRQH LW -XVW WKLQNLQJ DERXW LW PDNHV PH ZDQW D VWLII GULQN

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by Solomon Wong

The Fish Rap Live! November 17, 2010

http://tinyurl.com/matchthecurtains

15

KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!? The 99¢ Store: IED

an infographic by David Dines

Improvised Explosive Device (aka Roadside Bomb)

IUD

Intrauterine Device (aka Elitist-Fetus-Deletist)

Sex Toy Mecca for Students on a Budget by Allie Ryan

Whether  you  want  to  admit  it  or  not,  we've  all  been  to  the  dollar  store.  That  dirty,  disorganized,  cluster  fucked  place  where,  JLYHQ HQRXJK WLPH \RX FDQ EDVLFDOO\ ÂżQG DQ\WKLQJ 2I FRXUVH these  objects  may  not  be  the  conventional  sex  toy,  but  that’s  noth-­ LQJ D OLWWOH LPDJLQDWLRQ FDQ W Âż[

Featured in The Hurt Locker

Featured in The Meat Locker

Concealed deep in dirt roads

Concealed deep in vaginas

Detonates during roadside checkpoints

Detonates during intense vaginal intercourse

Disarmed by Bomb Techs

Disarmed by Prince Alberts

To Live and Let Dye: Pubic Enemy #1 by ( o Y o ) Some  time  a  while  back  while  perusing  a  sex  shop  I  stum-­ bled  upon  a  product  for  ladies  to  use  to  change  the  color  of  their  â€œhair  down  thereâ€?  or  â€œBettyâ€?  as  the  company  called  it.  The  idea  was  that  you  could  make  the  carpet  match  the  drapes  and  no  one  would  ever  know  you  aren't  really  a  blond.  Having  dyed  my  hair  many  times  before  I  ordered  a  kit  online  and  planned  to  test  it  out  while  my  boyfriend  was  away  for  the  weekend,  just  in  case  it  didn't  turn  out.  The  kit  suggested  buying  a  second  kit  in  your  original  color  to  dye  it  back.  But  I,  being  the  adventurous  young  temptress  that  I  am,  decided  that  I  could  just  shave  it  all  off  if  it  didn't  work.  The  kit  came  with  all  of  the  products  needed  which  included  bleach  for  making  those  dark  pubes  lighter.  I  mixed  up  the  ac-­ tivator  and  bleach  mixture  in  the  pan  and  applied  it  using  the  mascara  brush  provided.  It  looked  like  wet  baking  soda  going  on  and  smelled  like  sun  screen.  After  combing  it  on  and  feeling  very  silly  for  trying  to  put  mascara  on  my  pubes  I  stuck  a  sheet  of  plastic  wrap  on  top  of  it  to  keep  from  unintentionally  bleaching  things  I  bumped  into.  It  was  after  I  did  this  that  I  got  out  my  hair  dryer  and  started  blowing  hot  air  into  my  crotch.  This  was  sup-­ posed  to  make  it  work  faster  but  it  mostly  just  made  my  crotch  really  hot  and  red.  The  previously  chunky  bleach  mixture  took  on Â

a  whole  different  texture  and  began  to  resemble  cum,  making  me  look  like  a  blond  cream  pie.  It  washed  off  easily  and  I  was  happy  to  have  its  burning  stickiness  away  from  me.  Stepping  back  and  looking  in  the  mirror  I  couldn't  help  but  admire  my  wispy  blond  curls.  And  for  some  reason  I  thought  of  the  guy  that  plays  Malfoy  in  Harry  Potter...  but  that  wasn't  im-­ portant.  I  now  had  a  blank  canvas  to  create  my  masterpiece  on.  The  dye  was  considerably  less  burny  than  the  bleach.  I  chose  my  kit  to  include  blue  since  I'm  already  sporting  blue  on  one  side  of  my  head.  The  dye  got  everywhere  and  looked  like  I  was  on  my  period  but  my  blood  was  blue.  I  sat  around  my  bathroom  waiting  and  twiddling  my  thumbs  since  I  couldn't  twiddle  anything  else  without  getting  blue  dye  everywhere  and  I  just  wanted  my  hair  to  be  blue,  not  the  whole  pussy  too.  Finally  after  what  seemed  like  forever  I  washed  it  off  and  stepped  into  the  light  to  reveal  the  FURWFK RI D 1D YL , ZDV ERWK KRUUL¿HG DQG SURXG WR EH WKH ¿UVW person  I  know  to  dye  their  pubic  hair.  My  boyfriend  was  excited  and  somehow  guessed  the  surprise  before  he  got  home.  Then  he  promptly  started  making  smurf  jokes  to  which  I  told  him  he  wouldn't  be  getting  anywhere  near  this  prussian  blue  pussy  any  time  soon  if  he  didn't  knock  it  off.  So  far  the  color  has  lasted  a  week  but  hair  does  tend  to  grow  and  different  color  roots  are  1000x  worse  when  they're  not  on  your  KHDG 1H[W WLPH ¿UH FURWFK UHG

First  up,  the  water  snake  toy.  A  stretchy  UXEEHU WXEH ÂżOOHG ZLWK JOLWWHULQJ OLTXLG SXVK-­ ing  eight  inches  in  length,   comes  in  blue,  green  and  purple.  It  may  feel  a  little  limp  at  ¿UVW EXW LI \RX VTXHH]H RQH HQG WKH RWKHU ZLOO EXOJH DQG WLJKWHQ XS DQG ÂżOO \RX ZLWK MHOO\ like  fun.  Next  on  the  list  is  the  hand-­clapper  toy,  which  when  we  were  children,  was  every  irritated  parents’  worst  nightmare.  Now  that  we're  young  adults,  this  toy  can  be  a  part  of  your  sexual  fantasy.  It  is  best  for  those  kinky  kids  who  are  into  S&M,  whether  you’re  the   dominant  or  the  submissive.  Use  it  to  spank  his  or  her  tight  ass,  or  be  the  one  to  experience  the  plastic  high  ¿YH RQ \RXU DVV *XDUDQWHHG WR FODS DV LW FRQQHFWV with  booty,  and  lights  up  upon  impact.  Also  can  be  used  to  slap  a  bitch. If  you’re  anything  like  my  roommates,  you  may  already  have  no  less  than  twenty  magnetic  UHIULJHUDWRU FOLSV ,I QRW \RX FDQ GHÂżQLWHO\ ÂżQG WKLV WKLUG LWHP DW DQ\ GROODU VWRUH %LJ Lots  or  Pick  'n  Save.  Refrigerator  clips  work   perfectly  as  nipple  clamps  for  those  who   really  like  things  spicy.  They  come  in  all   sizes  and  both  plastic  and  metal,  so  there’s  no  need  to  be  concerned  over  lack  of  variety.  Attach  small  bits  of  metal  to  the  magnetic  side  to  add  weight,  or  push  the  nippled  lover  against  the  fridge  for  a  cold  connection.  Wooden  clothes  pins  also  work,  although  they're  less  fun. Â

Horoscopes

with Molly McNinch

Scorpio  (October  24-­  November  22):  Elton  John  was  speaking  to  you  Scorpios  when  he  said,  "I  think  people  should  be  free  to  engage  in  any  sexual  practices  they  choose;͞  they  should  draw  the  line  at  goats  though."  Maybe  reconsider  your  plans  for  the  weekend  and  give  the  goat  back  to  that  poor  4H  kid. Sagittarius  (November  22-­  December  22):  Does  it  seem  like  the  world  has  been  against  you  lately?  Does  everyone  seem  to  hate  you  right  now?  Well  the  answer  is  yes.  You  are  a  douche  bag.  Work  on  that.

Why the Fuck Are You Still Talking?: What department should be cut next?

“Humanitiesâ€? James  Farmer Computer  Science  Major

“The  Sciencesâ€? James  Shea Double  Humanities  Major

“OPERSâ€? Brendan  Woodruff Food  Studies  Major

“Searsâ€? David  Dines Major  Smartass

The Fish Rap Live! November 17, 2010

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