FEDERALIST the
THE STAFF
EDITORIAL BOARD
Iqraz Nanji
Max Rosenberg
Feditors-in-Chief
Hailey Riechelson
Managing Editor
Brett Krasner
Publisher
Andre Adams
Head Submissions Editors
ASSOCIATE BOARD
Ben Greenspan
Layout Editor
Tomas Germain
Subs Editor
Mckenzie Fritz
Shaakya Vembar
Senior Editors
ON PROBATION
Miranda Roman
Seth Farkas
Dylan Sachs
Orly Morgan
Chris Bolton
Natasha Przedborski
Adam Kelly-Penso For Now
STAFF
Marshall Teitelbaum
My Actual Psychiatrist
My Bubbe
Fucked Up Hip
Don Cheadle
Underrated Actor
Letter from the Feditors
A serious comment on the presidential election:
Dear key voting demographics (mostly Ohio),
We, the Federalist Paper, in the tradition of Hamilton and Jay, would like to respond to recent disconcerting developments in national politics:
Stanford Swimmer Takes Advantage of Unique Summer Research Opportunity
By DALLAS KOELLING Cautious at Water Parks
SANTA CLARA, CA - Today’s undergraduate students at elite institutions know all too well the wildly competitive world of pursuing summer internships, jobs, and research opportunities. The cutthroat nature of these opportunities makes it difficult for an individual student’s summertime achievements to truly stand out. That is why former Stanford swimmer, Brock Turner, was the subject of a passionate national outcry to recognize his achievements when he was accepted to the nation’s most selective summer program, held at Santa Clara County Correctional Facility.
“It’s rare to find a candidate so clearly qualified for the program,” said a spokesperson for the summer program, who declined to be named. This anonymous source described Turner as “brazen, confident. He takes risks and thinks outside the box. Most applicants reveal their character in subtle, undetectable ways that are difficult to prove. Turner was a rare obvious choice. He was honestly overqualified,” however, she continued, in a comment that speaks to the
highly selective nature of the program, “[Turner] almost didn’t even make the cut.”
“If applicants get to spend any time in our program at all, it is usually just for a few months or even less. Te candidates that stay for the longest time are usually a part of our minority outreach program.”
DEAN WARDEN
Turner, who was nominated for the program in January of 2015, received highly impressive letters of recommendation. “Coming by a recommendation is a strenuous process. While most people opt out of submitting nominations and letters of recommendation due to the extensive, exhausting process, others simply get lost in the bureaucratic labyrinth,” commented our source. “Most get nominated by outspoken close friends or family members. However, Turner had the unique experience of receiving profound and moving letters from total strangers. His resume and skill
set were so apparent and compelling that the recommenders felt it would be an egregious mistake to reject him from our program.”
Applying is a strenuous process. During their time in college, 1 in 5 women and 1 in 33 men will submit a nomination. Out of every 1,000 applicants, only 334 applications will ever make it to the desks of recruiters. This means that 2 out of every 3 applications is deemed too unimpressive to even be read. Only 63 of these applications will lead to an interview; and of those interviewed, only 6 will ever spend any time in these kinds of elite institutions.
“People were shocked to find out that Turner spent such a short time—just the length of his summer break—with us,” commented the program’s director, Dean Warden, when we spoke to him by payphone this past Thursday. “But short stints are most common. If applicants get to spend any time in our program at all, it is usually just for a few months or even less. The candidates that stay for the longest time are usually a part of our minority outreach program.”
Meet The Fed Board!
Peace, love, and ¯\_(``)_/¯,
Max & Iqraz
Feditors-in-Chief
TABLE OF CONTENTS
PAGE 3: White male Brock Turner
PAGE 4: Barnard is at it again.
PAGE 5: Touch a boob for women’s rights.
PAGE 6: PrezBo makes the ultimate sacrifce.
PAGE 7: Masturbate til your heart’s content, but please be cautious.
PAGE 8-9: We’re making sure your ballot box is stufed.
PAGE 10: Fat ass booties on this page, bro.
PAGE 11: Floorcest only legal in West Virginia.
PAGE 12: Studies show that popcorn is not a balanced meal plan.
PAGE 13: Barnard Babysitting expands range of services.
PAGE 14: Tis frst year fucking gets Te Iliad.
PAGE 15: Lerner turnstiles cause near fatal accident.
PAGE 16: Roti Roll Glory Hole.
By ANASTASIA AKOPOVA
B arnard Students Find Innovative Use For Dorm Showers
By MICHELLE DANDENEAU Dead White Male
SULZBERGER - It was an ordinary Wednesday when Luna Guggenheiser BC ‘20, walked into the Sulzberger bathroom to take her monthly shower.
Upon entering one of the three showers, she noticed something peculiar lying in the corner of the tile foor.
“I got close, just to make sure I knew what I was looking at,” claims Guggenheiser.
It was the overwhelming smell contained in the stall that made her realize what had happened; Guggenheiser found herself staring at a fve-ounce pile of excrement.
“At frst I was a bit confused—I thought maybe it was a statement, a piece of art. But when I realized the motive behind the feces, I was astonished by its brilliance.”
Guggenheiser, an environmen-
“I never liked using toilets. It’s perfectly good drinking water wasted.”
tal activist, is a big proponent for saving water, a passion that has allowed her to appreciate of a fellow Barnard student.
“I never liked using toilets. It’s perfectly good drinking water wasted. It will be a movement, started
right here at Barnard. I think it can expand too. Eventually we can just double up, two people reaping the same benefts. I’m talking beds, desks, panties, boyfriends. Monogamy has no place in a progressive society, anyway.”
Guggenheiser has been spreading the word about the dual-purpose showers, an idea catching like wildfre. She hopes that the the administration and cleaning staf will jump on board soon so she, and the rest of the Barnard community, can carry out the ingenuity one young woman started when she was blackout drunk and crouched in the corner, desperately Facebook stalking her ffh grade boyfriend.
By NATALIE ARENZON
Columbia Backup QB to Kneel During “Roar Lion Roar” to Protest Tampon Policy
By JUVENAL Prick
Inspired by backup quarterback Colin Kaepernick’s protest against discriminatory policing, Columbia backup quarterback Anders Hongcastner CC ‘17 plans to kneel during Saturday’s game to protest a different cause: tampons.
“I’m just fed up,” said Hongcastner. “People hear ‘Roar Lion Roar’ and equate it with school spirit and victory over Columbia’s opponents. But people forget that the Co -
lumbia administration is an oppressive regime, refusing to provide free tampons and sanitary napkins to students in need.”
“People
Barnard Students Avoid Dining Halls, Prefer to Eat Out
By GREG HUMPHRIES
Tinks He’s Too Good For Me
This semester, Barnard students have demonstrated a disdain for Columbia dining halls, with many stating they prefer to eat out instead.
Koronet to Sell Pre-Vomited Slices
By NICOLE JAVORSKY
to kneel with their (backup) leader. “Don’t get me wrong, [Columbia President Lee] Bollinger has menstrual blood all over his hands. But
as representing everything that makes this school great... like the Hudson valley... and
hear ‘Rior Lion Roar’ and equate it with school spirit....But people forget that the Columbia administration is an oppresive regime, refusing to provide free tampons.”
Many of Hongcastner’s teammates are supportive of his decision, but do not plan
“Roar Lion Roar” is meant to be a chant of unity, one that all Columbia students regard
Knickerbockers,” said Jermichael Christenson, backup linebacker for the Lions.
Others felt that while the message was correct, Hong -
castner was the wrong person to deliver it. “Look at him, he only has half the X chromosomes needed to be a woman.
If someone is going to protest this obscene policy, it should be someone who is fully X chromosomed,” said Ashley Thames, captain of the cheerleading team, who said she plans to squat during ‘Roar Lion Roar” in a show of reluctant half-solidarity.
“I just don’t understand it; I’ve never seen it this quiet,” a startled Columbia Dining worker told The Federalist. Today, as has become a trend in the past few months, John Jay is eerily flled with male patrons, with hardly a Barnard student in sight.
Columbia Dining has seen the number of meal swipes used by Barnard undergraduates fall by 69% in the past year, whilst more and more girls seem to be willing to pop into greasy joints off campus.
Local favorites seem to be healthy food chain ‘Dig Inn’ and Upper West Side bar ‘The Watering Hole’, but some girls have been more adventurous and have decided to experiment. Muffy West BC ‘19 is one example of this: “I love to eat out just as much as the next girl, but everything gets boring when you have too much of it. Personally, I’m a lover of seafood, but I’ve been trying new things recently—there are some amazing chocolatiers if you’re willing to go far enough downtown. Southside Chocolate is my favorite.”
Despite all of this, fsh taco day at Ferris Booth is still as popular as ever with Barnard students.
Feminism Is When You Touch a Boob,But For Love
By DR. DRAM BARRINGTON Doctor of Philosophy
Let’s face facts: it’s not the 50s anymore. You can’t just go careening through life without thinking about the consequences of your actions. That’s right, to be a responsible member of society, you have to be a feminist. But what is feminism? The answer is simple. Feminism is when you touch a boob, but for love.
Dorothy Sayers once wrote “Wherever you find a great man, you will find a great mother or a great wife standing behind him—and then that man touches her boobs.” There’s a lot to unpack here. When you touch a boob, you can feel the struggle of women everywhere. Some boobs are hard, because being a woman is hard. But other boobs are very soft, because women are nice.
From Betty Friedan to Michelle Obama, women have cried out for justice and equality for generations. And
“S ome boobs are hard, becasue being a woman is hard. But other boobs are very sof, because women are nice.”
Dr. DRAM BARRINGTON Doctor of Philosophy
when you touch their boobs, they get equality and everything is better.
Now, some of the boobs are not that good, but that’s ok. Some people are turned away from Feminism because they don’t want to touch the boobs that are bad. However, what you need to understand is that you don’t have to touch all the boobs, you just have to touch a boob. But make sure when you’re doing it you’re touching the boob for the right reasons.
Now you are a Feminist.
Feminism is controversial, partly because there are a lot of misconceptions going around. Many people believe that there are multiple ways to be a Feminist, but they’re wrong. Feminism is about how you touch a boob. You might be asking yourself, “How long do I have to touch a boob to be a Feminist?” The good news is you can touch the boob for as long as you want, it just has to be for love.
President Bollinger to Commit Seppuku In Efort to De-Westernize Core Curriculum
By NICK RIBOLLA Cis-Male
MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS - Responding to growing concerns over the dominance of western texts in the Core, President Bollinger announced he will be committing the historic Japanese self-disembowelment ceremony of seppuku on the steps of Low Library this Friday.
“We’re committed to having our students engage with their class materials through a global lens,” said Bollinger. “What better way to broaden their perspectives than to slice open my abdomen and let my entrails pour out onto the cold, hard concrete?”
Several student groups have expressed concern over the ceremony. “We were shocked by the an -
nouncement,” Columbia’s Japanese Society told reporters Thursday. “Of all people, President Bollinger
“What better way to broaden their perspective than to slice open my abdomen and let my entrails pour out onto the cold hard concrete.”
LEE BOLLINGER
should know not to champion such a public display of cultural appropriation. The worst part is he’s probably going to half-ass it anyways.”
“It’s time for the administration to realize that this kind of token concession isn’t enough,” said Alex McKinney ‘18. “It’s one thing for a grown man to voluntarily disembowel himself in public. Taking real action is another.”
“Still, I’m excited by the possibility of neglecting to read works of authors from all around the world,” McKinney added.
“We’re enthusiastic about heading in this direction,” said James Valentini, Dean of Columbia College. “It’s a shame President Bollinger-sama won’t be around to see the progress we’ve made in a year’s time, but that’s just how the fortune cookie crumbles in higher education.”
Grad Student Union Demands Access To Real Jobs
By JUSTIN CHENG Loves Ted Danson
MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS - Along with demands for control over stipend distribution, improved health coverage and “use of the laundry machines in Wallach,” the newly-formed Graduate Student Union has released a statement demanding that Columbia supply them with access to real jobs.
“It’s a question of egalitarianism in the top down structure of the university,” said Martha Freer GSAS ‘18, a graduate student speaking on behalf of the union. “It’s time for the administration to accept that
we have rights. And among those rights is the need for a real job, a job suited for an adult who made better life choices than I did.”
“I once applied for a job at Hooters,” said Slavic Studies Ph.D. candidate Anthony Grander. “I didn’t even get an interview.”
Another graduate student, a doctoral candidate in the field of Gender, Sexuality, and Vaginas, Rachel Sinclair, has, in the face of his lack of meaningful employment, turned to alternative means to find fulfillment -- and to fulfill others.
“I don’t really consider myself a prostitute,” Sin -
clair insists. “I mean, technically being a sugar baby doesn’t require you to have sex with your sugar daddy. It does pay more, though—I mean, I’ve heard that it pays more. It’s really a companion for lonely people so that they can feel loved, or you know, have company. I’d never do that kind of thing. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel like I’m able to really touch people in this line of work and at the end of the day that’s what really matters.”
Sinclair has since given the popular app SeekingArrangement a five star review on the App Store.
Semen On Your Sheets? How Much Is Too Much? The Fed Investigates
By BEN GREENSPAN Serial Masturbator
A Discovery
A week ago, as I drifed to sleep, Lubriderm clutched in my lef hand, I was content. Sweaty, but content. When I awoke that fateful morning, my sheets were gone. Not stolen, not lost to the void, but rather, in a sense, disintegrated: a pile of blue dust accumulated at the foot of my bed.
I gently felt the clump with my toe, and a sound emanated resembling a hoarse cough. I recoiled, fearful that a soul lay concealed within the powder. I glanced my roommate’s way, as he too was intrigued by the morning’s discovery. I feigned bewilderment, though at that moment, I knew, in my heart, what had happened. Either I could run from the truth or embrace the facts: my sheets had succumbed to a food of semen.
As the day drew on, my thirst for answers became insatiable. Tus began my inquiry: How much semen on your sheets is too much? So I resolved to begin a formal investigation.
The Interviews
Poring over the faculty directory, I located one Peter Anafono, Professor of Art History specializing in Pre-modern Greek Wanking. A stout man with half-moon spectacles, Mr. Anafono led me on a tour of the bathroom of the Ancient Greek wing of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where he conducts his research. As interested as I was in all Mr. Anafono had to show, I did not want to leave without inquiring about my own conundrum. “Semen on your sheets you say? Certain-
ly the two substances ofen come in contact with one another, but I can’t say I know of any maximum limit,” he said. “If anything, it is the quality of semen that matters, far more than the quantity.”
Afer my meeting with Mr. Anafono, I recalibrated my eforts, choosing to focus on those who are known to masturbate on their beds. I needed to talk to the master himself: Anthony Wiener. Afer sending him some kinky pictures on Twitter, I managed to get a phone number out of him. “You’ve got Weiner” was the answer on the other end.
“Mr. Weiner,” I said, “this may be an odd question, but would you happen to know the level of semen it takes for sheets to disintegrate?” Afer a pregnant pause, he suggested that we FaceTime so he could get a more thorough understanding of my situation. Our communications were very brief, as he mostly asked for my mother’s phone number and gently shushed me whenever I spoke. I repeated my question, but his only response was “What’s your Kik?” Te only engaging part of our brief dialogue was a quick shot of his infant son, who was giving what I can only describe as the 1000 yard stare. So far my investigation had focused on the art of masturbation. Tinking the antithesis could prove enlightening, I contacted Columbia’s Ofce of the Chaplain, and arranged to meet with Father Patrick O’Carroll in Earl Hall. Unfamiliar with the standard decorum in speaking with leaders of the Christian faith, I spoke frankly: “Father, I know this may sound unusual…”
“I’ve heard much in my 35 years devoted to God. Little sounds unusual to me, Jewish one,” he interjected.
“Father, I believe my bed sheets disintegrated due to an inundation of semen. Would you happen to know how much jizz is too much?”
“Well, I can’t say I am very well versed in the topic. If I were to give you any prudent advice, it would be to become a man of the cloth, as opposed to your sheets.”
Utterly dejected, I lef Father O’Carroll’s ofce trudging past an altar boy, whose look I can only describe as the 1000 yard stare. “He’s not much help, is he?” I asked the young lad.
“Who, Father O’Carroll?” he responded, as if it were rehearsed. “He’s great. You’d be lucky to have such a father in your life.”
Immediately, my skin felt fushed, my head felt light, and my penis perked up. How daf could I have been to have not seen this before? Tis entire time, I had forgotten about my own father! You see, I’m a masturbator. My father was a masturbator. And my father’s
By NICOLE JAVORSKY
father, whom I never did get to meet, was purportedly a great masturbator of his time. I dialed up my dad, and practically screeched into the phone, “Daddy, how much semen does it take for your sheets to disintegrate?”.
“Eight thousand parts per million,” he responded. “Is that the only thing you need?”. “Yes”.
“Don’t forget to go to temple for the High Holidays,” he said as he hung up the phone.
Conclusions
I had done it. I had unraveled a great mystery. I pen this piece to bridge the disconnect between my generation and my father’s. The mistakes of the past are doomed to be repeated if they are not studied. 8000 parts per million. Never Forget.
Anarchist Club President Resigns
By ALYSHA HUDSON
“I’m a leader in rejecting hierarchical power structures. I mean, I just don’t know how to keep these fuckers organized.”
MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS - Anarchist Club President Stephen Somerville CC ‘17 wearily resigned from his position after an eight-hour debate with his club inferiors. “I’m a leader in rejecting hierarchical power structures,” he said, before adding: “I mean, I just don’t know how to keep these fuckers organized.” For a while the club aimed to promote dis-organization through rallies and protests, but unfortunately its lack of a
schedule prevented much progress.
“We really needed a good secretary,” said Somerville. “I picked up Excel to keep the club running, but the rigid spreadsheet went against everything I believe in.”
The club also lacked a formalized meeting place, often opting to convene in the halls of Carman.
While the other political parties on campus found success through careful
advertising and meticulous planning, the anarchists’ unquellable rage and refusal to participate in the club fair wasn’t enough to attract followers this year. According to several witnesses, the most promising member “just wants to be left alone.”
The remaining members are now disbanding the club entirely because the prospect of running an election is turning into a bureaucratic nightmare.
Who’s sTuffIng Your Box?
By NATALIE ARENZON
Under1Roof to Change Name to 1Roof to Include Other Prepositions
By THOMAS BROCKLAND Defnitely White
COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY—Campus program Under1Roof, notable for its staunch support of inclusivity, intersectionality, and tolerance with regards to all identities, has come under fire from a small but vocal group of its own members, who argue that the organization’s name is at odds with its stated ideals.
“We pride ourselves with inviting first-years into Columbia University with the utmost respect for their identities and we feel that this name change will really help us get that message across,” said the group’s Public Relations Vice-Chair and English concentrator Patricia Hernandez.
“Some choose to live over a roof,” continued Hernandez, “but others feel most comfortable outside of a building entirely and therefore don’t conform to this binary description of spatial prepositions.”
By NATALIE ARENZON
“We want to ensure that all who come to study here feel as welcome as possible,” said Hernandez, “regardless of which part of speech they feel the
Bros Need A Trigger Warning For Dat A$$
By BEN GREENSPAN An Ally
FRAT ROW - A convening of the bros on Columbia’s campus has concluded that you can’t just walk in here with dat fat a$$ and not throw them a trigger warning first.
“It’s simply common courtesy to warn unsuspecting civilians when they are about to receive a shock,” Anthony Revita ‘17 said. “Just a week ago, I was sitting with my bros, grinding up a frosty little nug, and some biddy walked in with a donk that just about stopped my heart. I couldn’t breathe, I felt light-headed, I needed to excuse myself from the room.”
Revita added, “You’d just think that at a progressive school like Columbia they’d do everything possible to make all students feel comfortable. But nah,
those PAWGs are just everywhere man. Everywhere. I’m terrified for what will happen to me when yoga pants season rolls around.”
Trigger warnings are typically reserved for content that is deemed potentially offensive or provocative to certain groups. Revita argues that heterosexual men are certainly in a similar situation. “Bro, I can’t be constantly prepared to get a hard-on. You know how much of a burden a boner is? You gotta tuck that shit into the waistline of your pants and walk around like it’s no big deal. But it is a big deal. We’re not asking for much,” Revita related. “All we want is a simple ‘Suh dude, I got a booty that’s coming your way.’” At press time, the legion of bros was heard tossing around an idea for a space that was safe from “bomb-ass titties.”
strongest connection to.”
Speaking to reporters, Troy Wallace, student activist and Grammar Studies major, agreed. “The homeless and camping enthusiasts are both made to feel like literal outsiders by not considering the existence of non-binary prepositions and other forms of speech as well,” said Wallace. “All first-years really need to understand what they go through. Hopefully the new 1Roof will incorporate this into its teachings.”
The name change was settled within the group during the last week, and is expected to take hold during NSOP 2017. However, the debate continues as a smaller and more vocal group of members has suggested that “1” ostracizes those who feel close to multiple identities. Another group decries “Roof” as having a structuralist agenda. More news is forthcoming on another proposed name change to “{}” or “The Empty Set.”
By AMANDA BA
Viral Snapchat Video Leads To Downfall of CCSC Candidate
By RAISTALA RONPEAS Real Person
Two decades of relentless, ruthless political careerism came crashing to a halt in the early hours of Sunday morning, when viral Snapchat footage surfaced of Emma Berusch, CC’19, drunkenly stumbling into a CAVA van. The credibility of the prospective class representative was called into question, as only a week before the incident Berusch had sworn in a Pepe-themed Instagram post that public concerns about her fitness for office dating back to NSOP were totally unverified alt-right conspiracy theories.
“My opponent says that I need to #partyhard and #drinkbeer to #disguisemyconcealedandpotentiallyseriousmedicalcondition,” the politically connected sophomore said, directing supporters to contribute to her burgeoning $200 campaign fund. “But check out his #NaziFrog and his frat’s fridge full of #PabstBlueRibbon. Talk about #basketofdeplorables.”
The 10-second snapchat, taken surreptitiously by a FOX News intern, shows the 5’3” sophomore downing multiple Jagermeisters and spasmodically clawing at her campaign staff
of sisters in the Delta Gamma sorority as they attempted to load her into the vehicle before campus media arrived. Against normal protocol, Berusch’s protective escort in the CAVA van drove off at high speed to the sorority’s brownstone, depositing the ailing politico near a wastebasket to recuperate with her little.
For several weeks Berusch had chalked up bouts of public intoxication as products of her battle with “allergies,” but following the dissection of the Snapchat by legions of skeptical Bwog and Spec correspondents, she was forced to come clean and acknowledge that she had been diagnosed with being “totally fucking schwasted!” by a friend majoring in pre-med.
The revelations came at an awkward time in the campaign, as momentum had already begun to shift in favor of Berusch’s principal opponent in the CCSC race, fellow sophomore and Beta mainstay Binyamin Turquoisespan.
Turquoisespan, whose burnished tangerine skin, inherited real estate wealth and penchant for live-tweeting thoughtless attacks on minorities and venerated institutions (#lithumisawaste, #lithumisamess) had gar-
nered him sustained criticism, recently surged into the lead according to most major tracking polls of freshman class elections in the liberal arts colleges of major American research universities.
“Crooked Emma is low energy. Where did the money from those DG bake sales go?” Turquoisespan asked, shuffling an envelope full of unmarked bills into the hands of a Columbia Political Union elections administrator.
Having recently celebrated her twentieth birthday at the start of sophomore year due to a gap year, Barusch was criticized as aging and out of touch, an elitist who had profited from the political connections of her former class president boyfriend. The allegations that she couldn’t handle her priceless, boutique liquor fed into perceptions that she also couldn’t relate to the average student.
“So maybe I wear Gucci to CC and have never had my ID confiscated at 1020. Maybe my main minority outreach consists of awkward jokes with Lyft drivers,” Berusch said, eyeing the Intercultural Resource Center with grim determination during a recent get-out-the-vote drive. “You may not vote for me. But, so help me God, you will obey me.”
The electorate of several dozen firstyears who had failed to avoid opening Facebook messages from the candidates, and thus fatally marked them as “Read,” reported relatively low enthusiasm for the election. At press time, Turquoisespan was facing criticism for telling a Mexican public safety officer that his race compromised his legal impartiality in busting Turquoisespan’s SAT tutoring service for racketeering. Democracy’s transformative power was viewed cynically by first-years who said they faced an untenable choice between a careerist who could not secure her DMs and an authoritarian who relished the prospect of Toni Morrison book burnings out on College Walk. But ultimately a majority of students at the progressive Ivy League school, like sophomore Natalie Miller, are expected to walk in the footsteps of their predecessors in following their conscience to preserve a storied political tradition. “Yeah, I’ll probably post an angry Facebook status and bitch about this to my friends,” said Miller. “But anything more than that is too drastic in my opinion. Especially becaus it’s not like I’m actually planning to vote. That’s stupid.”
Studies Show Children of Floorcest Have Fewer Chromosomes
By GREG HUMPHRIES
Sells Sex For Lafy Tafys
JOHN JAY 805 AND 806 - Derived from the Latin “foorcastus” meaning “thirsty behavior,” foorcest has become taboo. New research suggests this designation is warranted, as there is a major correlation between proximity of lovers’ dorms and the number of chromosomes in their child. While some don’t fnd a problem with Floorcest, Columbia Res Life has condemned the practice. Residential Advisors are calling it “abhorrent,” “just a bit awkward” and “better
than cry-wanks at one in the morning on Tursdays.”
“We were warned against Floorcest by our RA, but when it gets past Christmas and your living in Furnald, you don’t have many choices for a winter boo.”
Graduate student Daniel Qiu GSAS ‘17 recently conducted extensive nonpeer reviewed research into the actual medical consequences of committing
foorcest. “While foorcest provides no actual risk for those involved,” said Qiu, “babies conceived through foorcest have been known to possess both mental and physical disabilities, though they of course have a huge leg up on admissions.”
One notable case is that of 1 year old Bryan Fredricks CC ‘37, conceived last February on Furnald 6. Although Bryan’s mother refused to comment, Te Fed managed to speak to the father, Josh Fredricks SEAS ‘18, at his room in Sig Nu:
“We were warned against Floorcest by our RA,” he said, “but when it gets past
Christmas and you’re living in Furnald, you don’t have many choices for a winter boo.”
While young Bryan’s disabilities haven’t been ofcially diagnosed, he has shown signs of being a true Furnald resident, wincing directly at the sun, and crawling through air ducts to gain access to Carman parties. Tough some scientific authorities say this is a consequence of foorcest, others have suggested that Bryan’s condition is a result of being raised in a fraternity. In response, Bryan’s father Josh stated that science was for “narcs.”
My Friends, Men Cannot Live On Popcorn Alone
By THOMAS GERMAIN
Friends, family,
Fashionable Molecule Causes Kenneth Cole Reaction
Moby Dick Erotica: “Call Me Shemale”
Nation Weirded Out By Level-Headed Reaction To Chelsea Explosion
Code-Switching Tim Kaine Wows Florida Audience With Fluent Swamptalk
Humans Only Able To Comprehend Modicum Of Visible Gender Spectrum
Nutrition Experts Still Claim Brexit Most Important Meal Of Te Day
Stats Major Has A Confdence Problem
New Study Suggests Jesus Was Gay. Why Else Would He Get Nailed By Two Soldiers?
Freshman Unwittingly Allows BDS Member Into Dorm Room, Expecting Kinky Time
All Buttered and Ready-To-Go F
As I write to you on this balmy afernoon, I look back fondly at the past few months. Te summer sun did wonders for my rheumatism, and the rains have born a new growth of brightly colored fowers that reach ever skyward from the planter on my windowsill. But not all has been rosy since last we spoke, and it is with a heavy heart and utmost sincerity that I pen this message. For I must admit my experiments have fallen short. And though it pains me to say it, I can bear the burden of the truth no longer: man cannot live on popcorn alone.
Do not think the impact of my news is lost to me. Like the beige clouds of the kernels themselves our dreams burst forth from our hearts, but alas, I fear they may have been too lofy. It’s of no surprise if these words shock you. Trust
that they are as difcult to put down as I’m sure they are for you to read, but I must bear witness. Te winter will be long, friends, and as it creeps nearer we must hasten our search for the foodstufs that will see us through till spring. For try as we might, the corn will fail us. Just as it has failed me.
Tere was a time when the rustling of popcorn as its delicate arches danced across the bottom of my porcelain bowl brought a smile to my face and warmth to my heart, but those days are behind me. Buttered, salted, plain, it matters not. Even the more exotic cheesed varietals satiate me no longer. My heart cries out for more, dear reader. But we must maintain. With strength and courage, we will move forward together, searching for that which may sustain us. May God bless us.
Forever yours, Tomas
Barnard Babysitting Extends Services To Columbia Guys Who Need Nannies
By JULIA DELGADO Aspiring Nanny
NEW YORK - With a generation of coddled students in need of someone to ensure they go to bed on time and pack a snack, colleges like Columbia and Barnard have taken the initiative to offer their students specialized services. As any college will concur, male students typically suffer from mommy-syndrome the most.
With difficult classes and the daunting task of cooking that no man should bear, there is a demand to fill in the everyday role of the adult nanny. Barnard girls have eagerly jumped on the opportunity. In a joint effort, Barnard Babysitting has extended its services and sitters to the male population of Columbia in need of a motherly figure in their lives. The sitters and students can meet once a sitter responds to a student’s online ad, similar to what one student described as “a tutoring session, but I get fed.” One of Barnard’s esteemed sitters, who chose to remain anonymous due to the high demand for her services, commented, “It’s like motherhood meets Nanny.com.”
Response so far among Columbia boys has been positive, as they can register on Barnard’s separate babysitting page dedicated to male students in need. The students recall their own helicopter parents in ways that bring a nostalgic smile to their faces as they post their urgent need for someone to tuck them in or fold their laundry. As Aaron Schultz CC ’18, remarked, “My sitter has been great. Mom, I mean Liz, really helps me manage my time and always brings the best snacks.”
Come spring semester, Barnard hopes to expand their services to accommodate the needs of all Columbia students who need someone making sure they did their homework.
Local Eatery Attributes Low Health
Rating To Grade Defation Practices
Convenience store Morning to Midnight, or M2M, has always been a consistent high-achiever: From 2013 to 2015, it never scored lower than a ‘B’ on the New York State Health Department’s annual inspection, cementing its status as a restaurant deserving of its prestigious location across the street from the U.S. News-rated 5th best school in the nation. But in 2016, a ‘C’ grade tarnished its near perfect record, and M2M’s owner, Kyle Sun, can think of only one explanation: Grade deflation.
Sun’s claim goes against the popular conception that restaurants near Ivy League colleges benefit from rampant grade inflation. In 2015, the Pew Report studied the grades of Ivy League eateries and found that an ‘A’ is the most common health rating; and a whopping 90% of these restaurants never have earned a grade lower than a ‘B’.
The grade docking also comes amid widespread accusations of inspectors unfairly favoring athletic establishments. Sun complained, “I think it’s totally
unfair. I work my ass off sweeping floors and gassing bugs for my A. And come Super Bowl season these inspectors are making it rain A’s and B’s on these sports bars like you can’t even see the mold growing on the ceiling tiles. It’s sickening.”
Sun acknowledges that this data suggests inflation, but insists that health inspectors near Ivy League colleges are starting to enforce stricter policies. “The inspectors don’t want to be thought of as too lenient, so they’re getting stingier with grades,” Sun says. “But
I think they’ve gone too far—restaurants near Ivy League colleges are the cleanest in the nation. Why shouldn’t they all get good grades? I mean, my parents pay enough for me to be here!”
But health reports suggest that Ivy League eateries might not be as clean as Sun thinks. M2M’s own recent inspection produced no short list of violations: cold food held above 41 degrees fahrenheit; filth flies or food/refuse/sewage-associated (FRSA) flies present in facility’s food and/or non-food areas; facility not vermin proof; tobacco use; eating, or drinking from open containers in food preparation. And there are so many Asian restaurants to compete with.” But Sun says these are not new developments and doesn’t think they warrant a low grade. “We’ve never washed our hands after pooping or sprayed insect repellant on the roach nests. As an establishment, that’s just not what we are about.” Sun says. “We’ve always maintained a consistently low standard with impunity, so this decision feels very arbitrary.”
The recent blow to M2M’s reputation has made Sun wonder whether choosing to operate a restaurant near an Ivy League campus was a prudent choice. “My friends who set up restaurants near state schools never clean their counters. Nor do they ever call the exterminator. Yet they still get higher health ratings than I do,” Sun says. “But in my case, I’m around such competitive restaurants that standards are impossibly high – the health inspector finds fecal bacteria on your counter once and your future is tanked. There’s not a chance I’ll ever be able to serve someone from Goldman or Morgan Stanley again. Even consultants might stop coming in.”
By CAMERON AVERILL Good Ol’ Chap
By NATALIE ARENZON
President Bollinger Escapes From Captivity
By THOMAS GERMAIN
COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY - President Bollinger has reportedly escaped from his enclosure, according to a report from Columbia Vice President of Public Safety James McShane.
As of press time, ofcials have not determined how the president got loose from his habitat, one of the more costly and technologically advanced Presidential enclosures on any college campus in the United States.
“He had to have scaled the wall,” said a visibly shaken McShane at an impromptu press conference late last night. “We’re looking into it but we can’t rule out tampering at this point.”
McShane urged caution should any members of the Columbia community encounter him before he is apprehended.
“It goes without saying that Bollinger is dangerous,” warned McShane. “First and foremost, if you come across him the most important thing is that you remain calm and contact campus security, and under no circumstances should you attempt to unionize.”
RUSH BETA!
The reviews are in...
“Beta is a white cis-male safe space”
-INTERCULTURAL RESOURCE CENTER
“Their basement is so well furnished”
-SOMEONE WHO HAS NEVER BEEN TO BETA
“Jewish,
Comp Sci, Econ, Stoner guys”
-ACCURATEREVIEWS.COM
“Throws the best parties this side of the Mason-Dixon Line”
-KAPPA ALPHA THETA
Lit Hum Professor Gets Shit Rocked
By First Year English Major
By HARRISON GALE Big Fan of Marmots
COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY - What began as an ordinary session of Professor George Frink’s 8:40 Lit Hum class ended with what may go down as one of the most thrilling and transformative events in the history of Western philosophy: Frink had his shit utterly rocked by intended English Major Kevin Davenport, CC ‘20.
As the students discussed the metaphorical significance of the relationship between Achilles and Patroclus in Homer’s Iliad, the class fell silent. Davenport triumphantly raised his hand, and prepared to unleash what early reports described as “some unreal knowledge bombs.”
“This is only one interpretation,” Davenport began, “what if, like, Patroclus had to die to teach Achilles a
lesson about sacrifice?”
Moved by the sheer impact of this insight, Frink reported that he himself broke out in tears, and students spontaneously burst into rapturous applause. One student lost control of his bowels.
“Before that day, I would never have believed that such wisdom could come from an undergraduate student, let alone a frst-year.”
“Before that day, I would never have believed that such wisdom could come from any undergraduate student, let alone a first-year,” said Frink. “I was just blown away. I mean, his obvious comparison underscored by his false modesty will undoubtedly rever-
Barnard Student Struggles to Swipe In To Lerner, Causes Near Fatal Seven Person Turnstile Pile-Up
By HARRISON GALE Staunch Capitalist
ALFRED LERNER HALL - In an incident that turned to horrific tragedy, panicked student Renee Wilson BC ’20 sparked a an injury-laden pile-up at the Lerner Hall turnstile. What began as an innocent attempt to finally smoothly activate the turnstile with a quick scan of her student ID quickly escalated into a terrifying accident. Wilson fumbled nervously, losing control of her body and causing seven students to violently collide behind her.
“My first accident was just a minor fender-bender,” said Wilson. “I mean, it hadn’t been the first time I had caused front-to-butt traffic. But I’ve been paying a pretty steep turnstile insurance premium for a while now.”
By ANASTASIA AKOPOVA
CAVA responded quickly, racing onto a scene of carnage. Overly-caffeinated bodies lay in a heap, gently quivering as nervous URC tour guides shuffled by. The near-fa -
tal incident placed several students in intensive care, including Paul Henderson CC ’19, who, is in stable condition as of press time.
“I was just minding my own business,” said Henderson. “Next thing I know, I’ve got four people barreling into me, giving me whiplash and two broken ribs—not to mention I missed grilled cheese and tomato soup day at Ferris. That’s the only thing that keeps me going—the hope that when I get out of here, there will be tomato soup waiting for me.”
When asked about her personal responsibility for the incident, Wilson stated that, in the future, she would “do the right thing” and hand over her ID to the security desk to have it grumbled at before moving through the turnstile.
Student Gets CAVA’D After Ingesting
Unsettling
By MAX ROSENBERG Twink
Idea
berate through the world of academia for years to come.”
“[Davenport] is just so cool and smart,” said Sarah Breckenridge, another member of the class. “The chance to experience that kind of intellectualism is why I applied to Columbia in the first place. I just hope he keeps talking in class as much as he has been already.”
Asked to comment on his groundbreaking analysis, Davenport stated that he looks forward into developing it into his senior thesis.
“Maybe I’ll even turn it into a book,” he added. “But for sure, my essay’s gonna have a lot about metaphors and shit, and probably some gay stuff.”
ST. LUKE’S - At about 4:36 PM on Thursday, a student in Rachel Slater’s Lit Hum class savagely “reinforced patriarchal norms” with a privilege-ridden contribution to the class discussion of the Iliad. Slater, CC ’20, immediately knew something was wrong. Her skin began to itch. Her throat tightened. She was overwhelmed by dizziness. Slater
“From now on, I’ll have to sleep through every Lit Hum class.”
RACHEL SLATER
barely had time to remind her classmate that he is an “entitled sexist” before she slipped out of consciousness.
Rushed to St. Luke’s, Slater pulled through the night. Doctors found a dangerous level of chauvinism in her system, forcing them to pump her stomach.
At one point, as the prognosis looked grim, Slater asked for her friends to be brought to her bedside. “She told us to bury her under the sundial, which is where he always felt the most at
home,” Samantha Tartens CC’20 said. Slater spent the night in the intensive care ward, recovering from the near-fatal academic accident. Finally strong enough to return to classes, she told the Federalist that she would take precautions to safeguard her health in the future: “From now on, I’ll have to sleep through every Lit Hum class.”
got meth? …we don’t
Defnitely Not A Peeping Tom
