ARMSTRONG STEPS DOWN
BY GABRIELLE LINDER, OLIVIA RUBLE & DANI WINKLER
NEW YORK, NY—Interim President Katrina Armstrong of Columbia University announced today that she is stepping down from her current position on a particularly wobbly ladder outside of Low Library, effective April 1, 2025.
The ladder was placed outside Low Library in January to allow President Armstrong to enter and exit her office without using the front entrance or the elevator. She stated that dealing with the near-constant watch of Allied Universal
Columbia to Remove Alma Mater, Deemed ‘DEI’ Hire
BY SASHA MAROULIS
Amid nationwide cuts to DEI programs, including Columbia’s stealthy removal of DEI language from various college websites, the University has announced that they will be removing the iconic statue of Alma Mater from Low Steps in the coming weeks.
“She just sits there and acts all high and mighty,” said administrator Jeffrey Strait. “For a school named after Christopher Columbus, it’s ridiculous that we’ve let some layabout woman represent the University for so long. She’s effectively a DEI hire.”
The University’s position reflects comments made by President Trump at a SIPA Q&A session in 2019. “Alma Mater? She’s flat, she’s extremely flat. I tell people, I say she’s flatter than a pancake,” opined the president. Trump has also recently asserted that between Alma and Hillary Clinton, the University doesn’t have room for two “nasty, nasty women.”
While only speculative, there are rumors that Alma Mater’s spot will be replaced by a statue of Columbus being saluted by Trump, Kid Rock, and Alex Jones.
Securities was “too much of a hassle.”
Columbia’s Facilities and Operations team stationed the 16-foot wooden ladder directly below Armstrong’s window, providing the interim president with round-the-clock access to the ground. Last week was the first time in the almost two months since its installation that the interim president used the ladder, citing the unseasonably warm weather on campus. However, eyewitnesses reported seeing Armstrong “stuck” between the eighth and seventh rungs. The interim president was seen white-knuckling the sides of the ladder and making audible gulps as she looked down.
“I was running late to Music Hum when
all the sudden I heard a sort of shuddery weeping coming from Low,” Sam Huntzor, (CC ‘25), reported to the Colombia Spectador. “When I turned the corner, I saw Armstrong up on that ladder, sort of like a little kitten stuck in a really tall tree. I could’ve called Public Safety, but I thought it would be way funnier if I posted a pic of her on my IG Close Friends instead.”
After six days and a lot of coaxing, Armstrong successfully stepped down from the ladder. The Board of Trustees announced that the President had made contact with the earth at approximately 1:05 PM on April 1, 2025. “As I stepped off of the ladder, I became acutely aware of the distance that had grown
between myself and the ground,” Armstrong wrote in a community-wide email. “In this way, I also became acutely aware of the divisions currently threatening our campus culture.”
In acknowledging Armstrong’s significant accomplishments for the University, the Board of Trustees expressed gratitude that Dr. Armstrong had agreed to step up (and then back down) to her tasks as interim president. Armstrong thanked the Board of Trustees for their continued support. She is the third Columbia University president to “step down” in the last two years.
Columbia Announces New Nineteen-Acre Parking Lot in Harlem
BY BEAU GANTZ
The Office of the President announced on Friday that the next step of the Manhattanville campus expansion will be the pavement of a nineteen-acre parking lot adjacent to the business school. Pictured here is a visual released by Interim President Armstrong’s office depicting where the lot will be located.
The chosen area, which rests between Broadway and Amsterdam and 129-133rd Streets, currently consists of affordable housing projects, daycare facilities, and community centers. This passion project serves the purpose of community building for business students with a long commute from the Morningside campus. Construction will begin this spring to convert the space to a CUID-access-only parking lot, offering accessible parking for business school students. The project’s initial vision came about when a high number of business students voiced concerns about
the safety of their vehicles around campus, especially because many students had
Amid Political Pressure, Barnard to Admit Men
Starting 2027
BY BEAU GANTZ
After weeks of public pressure from conservatives in Washington, Barnard has announced revisions to its admissions policies that will rapidly integrate men into the college. Following similar announcements from the College of Saint Mary in Nebraska and Mount Holyoke College in Massachusetts, President Laura Rosenbury revealed on Wednesday that Barnard intends to open its enrollment to male students beginning in the fall of 2027. “We recognize that this may be a disorienting change for many of you,” Rosenbury said, “but the identity of Barnard is not changing. We are simply extending the college’s opportunities to a more diverse student body. This process will not be easy, but it will bring our community closer together in the long run.”
The announcement is the latest in a string of unprecedented policy changes implemented by prestigious women’s colleges.
The pattern can largely be traced to the rise of anti-DEI sentiments in Washington, and the view that womenonly institutions are an extension of DEI policies. Linda McMahon, Trump’s prospective pick for Secretary of Education, took aim at women’s colleges as early as 2023, tweeting that they were “sexism in its simplest form,” and later arguing that such institutions “let radical feminist idealogies [sic] fester unchecked.” As congressional conservatives criticized Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion initiatives at high-ranking universities, the Trump administration argued that women’s colleges were furthering the principles of DEI. Multiple universities have scrambled to remove DEI-associated policies to avoid being targeted by the White House, including Columbia, who scraped their transgender-inclusive athletics policy from their website in February.
Barnard College has practiced singlesex admissions since its founding in 1889. The Wednesday announcement is the first major change in this policy since 2015, when Barnard established that their admissions process would consider the applications of transgender women, and would continue to enroll students who transitioned to male during their time at Barnard. For applications for the 20272028 school year, however, Barnard’s admissions committee “will not consider gender as a factor in [their] decision making.” Male and female students will be considered equally during the competitive selection process.
President Rosenbury drew criticism from Barnard students for the way the revisions were announced. Before communicating with Barnard’s student body, Rosenbury presented the news to major media outlets including The Wall Street
Journal, The New York Times, and The New York Post Barnard student groups have argued that the way the changes were released is further evidence that the move was made as a public gesture of conformity to the current administration.
Barnard will remain women-only until 2027, and will not be accepting male transfer students until then, per a statement from Barnard’s Office of Admissions. Until 2027, however, Barnard will undergo a “transition period,” says President Rosenbury, in which Barnard will “redesign itself to be more inclusive to the male community.” Rosenbury made light of the groundbreaking announcement towards the end of her release, jokingly revising the college’s slogan to “Bold, Beautiful, Boys, Barnard.”
Legacy Students at Columbia Given Preferential Admission
BY AVA LYON-SERENO
In recent campus news, Columbia representatives announced that legacy admission students would now be given a leg up in getting into the university: “We believe that the debates about the impact of legacy admissions on campus are more relevant than ever. Thus, Columbia’s administration has decided to extend those impacts to an increasingly prescient area of admissions: the gates.”
Columbia’s statement concluded: “We know that legacy students have been persecuted in the media, and we want to show the University’s support for its students.”
Legacy students will now have favorable swipe access into campus, akin to a theme park fast-pass. Thus, any student who has an immediate family member who attended or funded a university building will now be
able to bypass the city-block-long lines. Our correspondents spoke with a current student about the planned changes to gauge campus opinion. Says one CC junior, Alfred Lerner IV, “This new policy is long overdue. It feels really affirming of our inherent superiority at this university and higher education in general.”
Another CC freshman, Alexandra Kraft, explained “My grandfather didn’t have
to wait in line for gates when he was here, so why should I? I want the same experience he had, especially because we both worked so hard to get here.” When questioned if students with family that attended Barnard or GS would get premier swipe access, a Columbia representative responded, “Family that went where?”
Glass Box To Be Built Around Alma Mater Statue, “To Protect Our Legacy”
BY STELLA TUROWSKY-GANCI
After over a year of protests, some of which targeted the famous Alma Mater statue which stands at the base of Low Library, the Columbia University administration has proposed ambitious plans to keep the famous statue from disruption. According to a recent statement by Columbia University, administration plans are in place to deploy a custombuilt plexiglass box over the Alma Mater statue by 2026. The box will be bulletproof, stain-proof, and impenetrable, bolted to the Low Library steps with “some mighty strong nails,” wrote President Armstrong in a recent email. Armstrong also remarked that
“although this might seem like an aesthetically negative choice, we will do whatever it takes to prevent disruption to our campus, academics, and student life—all of which will certainly be defended as long as this statue does not have paint on it.” The Spectador spoke to a few Columbia students about this new plan, and it seems as though the student body is not taking to this decision kindly.
A CC junior commented, “Dude, like, what is that gonna do? Genuinely, I am just confused how that’s helping anyone,” while a CC sophomore added, “Funny how they protect their statues but not their students, huh?”
BY STELLA TUROWSKY-GANCI
In the midst of Columbia’s room selection process, campus has been buzzing over new, controversial rulings by the campus housing department; namely, the decision to use East Campus, a long-time promised dwelling for seniors, as overflow for rising sophomores displaced by the exclusion of Hartley Hall, an all-sophomore dorm, from the 2025-2026 room selection. This has left rising seniors in limbo, for without EC, there will not be enough campus housing to accommodate the entire senior class. Columbia’s solution? To revoke guaranteed housing for seniors in the class of 2026.
According to Columbia Housing, this controversial decision is part of a new initiative being started by Columbia College and Columbia Engineering, aiming to champion independence for upperclassmen.
In a statement by Lorena Prosco, Executive Director for Housing Services and
A small number of students did show support, with one commenting, “I am just grateful that Columbia is finally spending our tuition dollars on something that matters; I am sure they are definitely not needed elsewhere. I will feel so much safer knowing that the Alma Mater statue will stay clear and protected.” However, this seems to be a very unpopular opinion.
Some seniors also spoke up: “What the fuck am I going to do about my senior photos?” asked every single senior we interviewed. We will have more information as the plan unfolds.
Student Center Operations, Prosco notes, “We understand this will come as a shock, however we hope that the community will approach this decision with open minds. Although it came about from the unfortunate circumstances of the necessity for construction on Hartley Hall, we at Housing Services believe this will be a fantastic opportunity to champion independence and resilience, especially for our seniors on the precipice of exiting our gates and entering the world.”
President Armstrong also commented, “Genuinely fuck ‘dem kids, like get a job or something, get an apartment, I don’t know, dawg.”
We will have more information as this story unfolds, and more is disclosed, but rising seniors, start looking for off-campus housing! And all students, start looking forward to a new, sophomore age of EC ragers.
OLIVIA RUBLE/FEDITOR IN CHIEF
STELLA FUSARO/STAFF ARTIST
The Lion Dance Controversy, Explained
BY BEAU GANTZ
An unlikely campus group was thrust into the center of cultural tensions last week, as Columbia University Lion Dance was subjected to widespread backlash and divisive controversy on social media. Here’s what you need to know about the drama surrounding Lion Dance and where we go from here.
Columbia University Lion Dance is a studentrun group devoted to the performance of traditional Chinese lion dancing. The art form is known for its eye-catching costumes (a lengthy lion mascot operated by two dancers) and its iconic drum beat coupled with the incorporation of gongs and cymbals. CU Lion Dance has become something of a campus icon due to its public rehearsals every Sunday at or around the Sundial. The group, which
will celebrate its 25th anniversary in the fall, has welcomed all students who are interested, regardless of background or experience.
In March, first-year student Beau Gantz decided to try out a rehearsal with CU Lion Dance. He had no experience with the form and was reportedly concerned that he may feel out of place as a Caucasian man performing a traditional Chinese dance, but the club’s inclusive nature compelled him to explore the experience anyway.
On Sunday, March 23, Gantz participated in his first Lion Dance rehearsal. The endeavor was marked with distinct turmoil— he reportedly fell on the College Walk brick over a dozen times, and was later admitted to Mount Sinai Hospital for a fractured collarbone and two separate concussions. His struggles
derailed the practice as a whole, as Gantz would repeatedly get “too excited” and start invading the personal space of the drummers. He also made a habit of spontaneously sprinting away from the rehearsal in an attempt to “see how fast [they] can get this bad boy moving.”
Gantz’s unfortunate performance sparked speculation that he was deliberately sabotaging his fellow dancers in an attempt to disrupt the group’s art form. Rumors began to circulate online that his aim was to mock or belittle Chinese culture by intentionally ruining the rehearsal. Gantz, who has been wildly vocal about the incident on social media, maintains that he was “genuinely trying as hard as [he] could” but still took the opportunity to “apologize to Lion Dance, the Chinese community at Columbia,
Columbia Housing Portal Crashes, Lottery Numbers To Be Reassigned
BY OLIVER GREEN
BREAKING—According to a new email from CUIT, Columbia Housing’s internal electronic database experienced a complete blackout late last night. “Our technicians are working around the clock to try to restore this system,” one housing spokesperson reported. “However, we are concerned that there is a high probability of significant data loss as a result of this outage.”
Despite the efforts of Columbia’s IT department, it seems both the main server and the backup server for the housing lottery have been corrupted and completely wiped of data, and the chances of recovering this information are reportedly “slim to none.” As a result, Housing plans to announce in the next few days that the lottery numbers for the 2025-2026 Academic Year will have to be reassigned.
“We realize that this solution is not ideal, but we believe that this might be the only way forward at this point,” said Columbia Housing Associate Director John Pezzolla. “It’s obviously unfortunate that some students who have already selected their rooms or received really favorable numbers will have to go through this process again, but there’s certainly nothing stopping them from getting lucky twice!”
The Colombia Daily Spectador will continue to report updates as Columbia Housing assesses the damage. At print time, unconfirmed reports are circulating that the data on housing group registration may have also been wiped from the server, so students may have to repeat the most taxing part of the housing process: group formation.
Shane Dawson to Release ‘Docuseries’ Redeeming Barnard’s Laura Rosenbury
BY SPECTADOR STAFF
After recent backlash due to the arrest and expulsion of multiple students alongside the forwarding of an unsuccessful Op-Ed via email, President Rosenbury has agreed to team up with YouTuber Shane Dawson to “save her reputation.” This decision, though unexpected in formatting, comes as no shock to those who have been receiving insensitive and vague emails from the president all year urging for “community” with no tangible suggestions for discourse or recognition of the polarizing environment cultivated on campus. The documentary, titled “The Police State of Laura Rosenbury,” will consist of three 30-minute episodes where Dawson will try to convince audiences to empathize with yet another controversial individual whose criticized actions he can easily excuse and vouch for because he has never been directly affected by them.
The first episode of the docuseries will begin with Dawson dressing up as President Rosenbury and living a day “in her world.” The costume, akin to the puppet held outside of Milstein on March 5, consists of a gaudy colored blazer and streaky blonde lob, which will allow Dawson to “get into character” as he shadows the president on campus. The episode will mainly follow Rosenbury’s running through, and away from, Barnard with extreme rigor as she avoids the hundreds of students calling for her resignation. Dawson is said to have added “ominous music” and “black and
the many passersby [he] heckled and harassed, the greater Morningside Heights area, and any others who [his] actions may have hurt.”
In response to the backlash, Lion Dance temporarily suspended Gantz from rehearsals, which they claimed was not because they believed Gantz was acting hatefully but simply because they “needed a break.” This was a reaction that Gantz deemed “understandable.”
In his email reply, he wrote, “No hard feelings. Also, I think I left my phone in the pockets of the pants. If you could check when you get the chance I’d appreciate it. No worries if not!”
When news broke of Gantz’s suspension, which was the first and only disciplinary action taken in Lion Dance history, tensions heightened around race and art on Columbia’s campus.
Notable Caucasian advocate group Columbia University College Republicans came to Gantz’s defense, saying that his exclusion from the group was “an indefensible act of racism and a blatant denial of student rights,” and that there would be “hell to pay” if he was not reinstated. CUCR quickly established a GoFundMe for Gantz’s medical bills as well as the “defense of patriots like Beau from rampant anti-white discrimination.”
Gantz responded quickly, saying, “nope,” “no,” and “please don’t do this.”
The issue became a lightning rod for certain altright circles concerned with supposed disadvantages faced by white Americans who are pursuing a career in traditional Chinese festival dancing. Conservative commentator Steven Crowder cited the issue as “indicative of the greater attack on Western society.”
Charlie Kirk of Turning Point USA mentioned the issue on X (formerly Twitter). He wrote, “The exclusion of white people from participating in lion dancing is only the beginning of the far left’s plot to eliminate American culture.” Gantz joined the dialogue to assert that this view is “very bad” and that he was only excluded from Lion Dance because he “ate shit every ten seconds” and was “sweating straight through the costume.” As the issue stands, Gantz’s suspension has been lifted, and right-leaning groups have pressured him to rejoin the troupe. CU Lion Dance has remained open to the idea so long as he “behaves himself,” but Gantz has expressed hesitancy, urging the public: “please don’t make me go back,” citing the “immense physical and emotional pain of such a failure.”
Bold, Beautiful, Entry Ban: Barnard to Prohibit Columbia Students From Entering Its Campus for 229 Years
BY KIMBERLY WING
To reinforce its mission of empowering young women, Barnard College announced that it will begin barring campus entry to Columbia students for the next 229 years beginning next fall. This particular time span was chosen to reflect the number of years Columbia refused to admit women, beginning from its founding in 1754 to 1983.
The entry ban was implemented after years of complaints to administration about male Columbia students appearing in overwhelming numbers at Hewitt Dining Hall.
The astonishing consumption of Diana burrito bowl toppings was also noted as a significant contributor as male macro tracking began to peak this spring. Ultimately, the
relentless bowel attacks on Barnard Hall’s newest all-gender restrooms seemed to be the final nail in the coffin.
“We wanted to take a firmer, more direct approach to promoting gender equality,” a Barnard spokesperson told Spectador. “Also, this school’s broke as fuck, so we can only support like 3000 students max. Wait—don’t put that part in the article.”
Despite this new policy being enforced until the year 2254, the Barnard-Columbia connection will remain strong. Barnard students will still be able to enter Columbia’s campus and be involved in their community—just not the other way around.
white freeze-frames” to further the narrative of “dangerous” masked students on campus.
The second episode of the series will touch on the alleged “$30,000” in damages reported from the recent Milbank Hall sit-in. Rosenbury is said to walk Dawson through the few hallways adorned with stickers and marker writings, two things easily coverable with regular paint, whilst overlays of student chants and a red-toned filter create the illusion that this budget for damages seems “reasonable.” This episode will primarily hone in on the “dangerous nature” of public displays of protest as a means of discounting the actual issues raised by students. Slowmotion effects and voice modifiers will serve as the primary narrative argument for the documentary team as they fearmonger.
The final episode of the docuseries will delve into Rosenbury’s past to find any sort of emotional bait that can overshadow the physical and emotional harm she has inflicted on Barnard’s campus. Insider intel on the series reveals that Dawson seems to have taken the bullying angle to defend the president’s fear of students and critique. This particular appeal to emotion presented difficulty as the shoulders and shadows of Rosenbury’s multi-person security team penetrated each video frame. The docuseries—which has been preemptively censored from CLIO—is set to drop in the coming weeks alongside a new merch collaboration between Dawson and The Barnard Store.
Hooda Halal Now Accepting Dining Swipes
BY SYLVI STEIN
Columbia Dining recently announced a new initiative to take pressure off of campus dining halls during peak hours— Hooda Halal will now accept meal plan dining swipes. “The popularity of Hooda among the student population cannot be ignored,” announced Columbia Dining rep Dee Lishous. “We hope to offer Columbia students on the meal plan an alternative to JJs when they are hungry for a late night snack after a night of hardcore clubbing or, more realistically, after a night of hardcore D&D playing.” One swipe will reportedly be worth one (1) chicken over rice or one (1) gyro, with a drink on the side. Flex tipping options will be available for those who would like the halal guy to call them “my brother.”
Study Finds 93% of Creative Writing Majors Just Writing About Their Lives
BY ASHLEY RAPP
The Columbia English department recently published a study on the usage of personal anecdotes in creative writing “fiction” among university students. The department began funding the study after Professor O. Versher found that every student in their seminar seemed to be writing about divorced parents, a breakup occurring in Riverside or Morningside Park, and an extremely well-detailed traumatic event that was “shockingly vivid compared to the rest of their story building and characterizations.” As of now, the implications of such research appear to just be an awkward, expansive knowledge on that one class rando whenever you see them in the dining hall and an odd “call to action” when you run into said classmate crying in public.
The University Registrar’s office has yet to release their reaction to such results, but the English Department expects a
reevaluation of major requirements and a “significant decrease” in explicit narratives detailing sexual intercourse occurring within a “dorm-like setting.” Furthermore, a source within the office revealed that English professors began proposals for this research following an influx of Creative Writing department theses focusing solely on “what can best be described as an intense situationship and desire to overshare with one’s peers in an ‘acceptable manner.’” The study also found that nearly 97% of creative stories included a character with “the same first letter or a variation of the author’s name,” as well as the “exact same hometown— usually Los Angeles.” The consequences of this research on the alleged overhaul of the Creative Writing department will be visible in the coming months as professors crack down on 20-something-aged protagonists with a lust for sexual incompatibilities and fire escapes.
DEVASTATING: Why is Nobody Else Here Excited About April Foos Day?
BY OLIVER GREEN
Each year of my life, I’ve looked forward to the beginning of April like a kid looks forward to presents on Christmas Day. And no, it’s not because of the idiotic, childish pranks that people pull out on April Fool’s Day—I couldn’t care less. Every year, I’m looking forward to April 2nd: International Table Football Day (or April Foos Day, as it is colloquially known).
But when the day arrived this year at Columbia, I soon realized that something had gone terribly wrong. I jumped out of bed at 7 AM and rushed over to the foosball table in Lerner. Gosh, I hope the line isn’t too long, please let me get a game in! I thought nervously. I quickly ran through my pregame ritual: some light calisthenics, a chalk toss, and my classic choreographed pump-up dance to “Eye
Reduction of Diana Bowl Portion Sizes Sparks Uproar From Dining Workers: “Watching Students Struggle to Put Toppings on Their Bean Mountains is the Best Part
of the
BY OLIVER GREEN
Due to Barnard’s recently publicized debt troubles, administrators have been searching for any easy cost-cutting measures to take to potentially ease the financial burden facing the school. This week, Barnard administrators finally narrowed in on an area of obvious wasteful spending: the Diana Center’s burrito bowls that are usually thrown out half-eaten. Since most students didn’t finish the bowls anyway, the administration thought this would be an easy and painless way to recoup some money for the school.
However, this Monday, the Diana workers walked out of their job and began protesting on Futter Field for a return to the old bowl sizes. Our Spectador reporters were on the scene and interviewed several of the concerned workers.
“I love manning the bowl station, and they just took that from me,” said one worker. “There’s nothing that brings me more joy than a student’s eyes widening as I fill half the bowl with rice, fill it to the brim with meat, and then top it off with a heaping
Job”
spoonful of beans that rivals Mount Everest! It’s still funny every single time.”
Another worker stated, “Yeah, that shit’s hilarious, the best part is when they try to put some lettuce or guac on top, and it just falls right off onto the floor! Nice try buddy! Yeah, try one more time, that next scoop ought to work! Never gets old.”
Multiple workers reported spending most of their time at work rolling on the floor in laughter as students desperately tried to walk to the register while precariously balancing their vegetables on top of their bowls. “They can’t take this from us!” one worker shouted adamantly. “Sure, giving them pizza crust as thin as tissue paper is funny too, but it just doesn’t hit the same.”
Barnard administrators have met with the workers and appear to be working out a compromise. The exact details of the deal have yet to be released, but our source on the inside reports that it will involve a return to original portion sizes in exchange for the removal of literally all food from Hewitt.
of the Tiger.”
However, to my utter surprise, the room was empty. The table didn’t even have a ball in it. Is this a joke? How is a first-rate university like Columbia so ill-prepared for such a major holiday? And where were all my worthy foosball challengers? I began wondering if all of my late nights in the Hartley lounge practicing my spins, saves, and trickshots
might not have been worth it after all. I sobbed uncontrollably throughout most of the day, and trudged back home after my final class finished. Everything felt meaningless now, since my foosball skills would never be put to the test. Well, I thought, let’s just hope International Crochet Day (April Spool’s Day) goes a little better tomorrow!
Drake to Headline Bacchanal as Part of “Redemption Tour”
BY JAMES COPPERSMITH
Every year, Bacchanal selects a mid rap artist that no one has ever heard of to headline, until now, where they have announced a rap artist that everyone has heard of but wishes they hadn’t. This morning, in a remarkable last minute swap, Bacchanal announced that they are dropping their headliner and swapping them for the infamous rapper Drake, stirring massive controversy. Drake has recently received heavy criticism due to allegations of questionable personal behavior raised by rap rival Kendrick Lamar during their feud, but he claims to wish to begin a “redemption tour” at Co-
lumbia’s Bacchanal festival.
“We never thought we would be able to afford someone with that kind of name recognition ever again!” commented one Bacchanal spokesperson. “You all wanted a more household name, and we got you someone who was name-dropped at the Superbowl.”
Many on campus have criticized the decision, not wanting to support or be associated with the controversial rapper. However, given that Bacchanal once previously selected Kanye West as a headliner in 2004, it could be a lot worse!
TikToker Nara Smith Mistakenly Creates Mustard Gas From Scratch in Attempt to Make Slime
“No
Glue No Borax”
BY ELIORA RIEBLING
Trad-wife Mormon TikToker Nara Smith, aiming to create slime without using glue or borax, accidentally whipped up a batch of mustard gas—leading to her biggest scandal since making sunscreen out of rotisserie chicken juices.
Smith’s TikTok popularity stems from her knack for making household necessities, such as grain-free, sugar-free, dairyfree banana bread and non-toxic batteries, from scratch. Instead of running to the store like any normal, neglectful mother would when her children or husband, Lucky Blue Smith, needs anything, Smith labors for hours to provide it. A drooling Lucky Blue can be spotted in the background of his wife’s videos, chewing on branches and adjusting his waistband. You might recognize him from reblogging his Tumblr thirst traps back in 2014 at the ripe
age of twelve. When Smith’s 5-year-old daughter, Wistful Amnesia, asked if she could make slime, the Mormon mama slipped into a floor-length gown of fourteen shimmering layers, set up her tripod and ring light, and got to work. Smith explained to her followers that she would not be using glue or borax, citing the same reason she doesn’t vaccinate her children.
In an unfortunate mix up between the jar of cassava buckwheat flour and sulfur monochloride, Smith accidentally created mustard gas in her KitchenAid stand mixer. Fortunately, only Lucky Blue was impacted by the gas, and in just eleven short hours, Nara was able to create all the medical supplies needed from scratch to treat his open skin blisters and blindness.
The Next Eminem? Hartley Common Room Erupts Into Cheers After Student Athlete Raps in Blaccent
BY ANNA ROSENBLOOM & SYLVI STEIN
Upon returning from club lacrosse practice, Kyle Reynolds (CC ‘27) reportedly made white rap history when he dumped his equipment inconveniently
in his suite’s common space, whipped out his Spotify Premium account, and began to blast the opening bars of Chamillionaire’s “Ridin’ Dirty.” “This one’s
gonna be epic, dude,” he declared, before singing offkey — a choice that onlookers would later describe as “busting a sick beat.” The audience attempted to bump-
and-grind to the noise, but failed, as the only dance that most of them were familiar with was Cotton Eye Joe. Regardless, members of the crowd reported that
Reynolds’ performance was “brave,” “groundbreaking,” and “very cool and easy to watch.” At press time, Kyle had queued up a Kanye West song, promising his
adoring fans that he is “about to tell [them] who’s in Paris.”
JJ’s Institutes Severance Procedure
BY IZZY SZYFER
Following the success of the Apple TV drama Severance, JJ’s has instituted the severance procedure for all its visitors. Once you go down those sticky, slippery
stairs, you won’t remember anything your Innie does in that loud scary place. Columbia Dining has also instituted therapy sessions for the JJ’s Outies. Quotes from
the sessions include the following:
• “Your Innie mixes the mango smoothie with the chocolate milkshake.”
• “Your Innie orders pancakes for dinner. Every dinner.”
• “Your Innie reaches over the hamburgers at the front of
the counter to get the hottest, freshest hamburger, thereby dangling their germs over the other hamburgers.”
• “Your Innie doesn’t know the difference between an express swipe and a dine-in swipe.”
Praise Kier!
Op-Ed: College Students Cannot Solve Unsolvable Equations on Big Chalkboards Like They Used To
BY NICHOLAS DAMES
My father graduated from Columbia College in 1951. When he would reflect on his time in Morningside Heights, every story had a few elements in common. They’d feature his rowdy roommates, fond memories of late-night study sessions, and a reminder of how hard he had to work to get to—and stay at—Columbia. Most importantly, every tale included a supposedly unsolvable mathematical equation sketched out on a massive chalkboard and presented sardonically to college students—one of which always had the gumption and generational brilliance to solve it.
I am ashamed to say that such times are behind us. Modern teens have no interest in approaching a fat chalkboard with a furrowed brow and achieving the mathematically impossible. This
generation’s attention spans have been compromised by their constant consumption of TikTok, YouTube, and LinkedIn Reels. They don’t have the patience or determination to systematically dismantle a theorem that’s eluded the grasp of physicists for centuries. They’d rather be using filters that give them dog ears or posting about the Big Chungus.
Students simply aren’t prepared for the big chalkboards anymore. I was stunned to find out that many of the students in my class were never asked to work through an unreasonably complex equation after they stumbled into an empty room with a big ol’ blackboard. This puts an incredible strain on educators like myself, who now have to hold the hands of their students through
introductory-level chalkboard thinking. I have had to write “Unsolvable,” “Impossible,” or “I bet nobody can solve this!” on many of my traps because students don’t even consider taking the initiative to approach a chalkboard.
What does this fundamental failure mean for the next generation of American leadership? How will our successors address the many threats faced by our great country when they don’t even have the courage to broach a chalky sketch of puzzling calculations? University culture is in crisis, and we urgently need a ground-up restructuring of our education system so that students are prepared to engage with the convoluted chalkboard challenges of the future.
Elon Musk Ignores ‘Name 5 Things Your Kids Did’ Email
BY SOPHIA MARIANO
Last Saturday, senior advisor Elon Musk stepped into work after a long night of playing video games, tending to a fire started by dollar bills, and a strange dream involving a ghost shackled down by his own greed. Like any good businessman, he went to check his email: Ah, just Vance thanking him for his brand-new monogrammed massage couch, and… what’s this? An email from someone outside the organization? But how could they get past Musk’s easily-distracted, pubescent team?
Curious, Elon clicked on the email with the subject “Who did you do last week?” from grumpycat69@blazeit.za—a name he certainly appreciated. In it, he found a short and rather curt email, reading:
Please reply to this email with approx. 5 bullets of what your children accomplished last week and CC their mothers. Please do not send any identifying information, links, or attachments. Deadline is this Monday at 4:20 PM EST. Failure to respond will be taken as resignation from your post as Dad. Immediately Musk felt a surge of anger. How dare anyone send him such an email, foolishly questioning his parenting? Oh, what’s that new bugger’s name? Sean? And didn’t X Æ A-12 take his first steps recently? Or was that a different child?
Whatever, stupid phishers, Musk thought as he deleted the email. I can always just bribe the child custody judges.
Cuomo to Adams: There’s a New (Alleged) Criminal Mayor in Town
BY SPECTADOR STAFF
An Official Statement from The Office of Cuomo For Mayor:
Ciao New York! It’s your favorite overly handsy Italian American, and I’m seeking your vote for Mayor of New York!
I know we are all fed up with Mayor Adams and the criminal charges and lawsuits that have overshadowed his term as Mayor. So what better person to replace him than someone who is also facing impending lawsuits? (Alleged) fraud or (alleged) sexual harassment? The choice is yours, New York!
I know that I have made mistakes in the past, and I acknowledged the fact that I have made mistakes in the past in my
17 minute long intent-to-run video. And I understand the mistakes I have made are numerous. In fact, I am probably undercounting the number of mistakes I have made you all (especially the elderly) know I’m “bad with numbers.” As for what those mistakes are I honestly couldn’t tell you! It’s just that, everyone on my staff says I made mistakes, so I guess “mistakes were made.”
But let’s look past those mistakes and have some fun, New York! I am a fun guy did everyone forget that I pierced my nipples? C’mon, fuggedaboutit! Let’s do this shit, New York! Hell yeah! Cuomo out!
Hewitt Dining Hall Goes Barnard Only
BY INICA KOTASTHANE
In a recent April newsletter, Barnard Dining announced that only Barnard students will be allowed to dine at Hewitt Dining Hall. Beginning Monday, April 14th, students enrolled in CC, SEAS, and GS will be turned away. This policy comes after months of Barnard students complaining about an influx of non-Barnard students, which has resulted in long lines for food, a shortage of cutlery, and a lack of table space.
When questioned why Barnard Dining is implementing these changes, student representatives explained that, first and fore-
most, Barnard facilities are for Barnard students. “If the presence of other undergraduate students is inconveniencing Barnard students,” one representative told Spectador, “we need to reconsider the policies that inform the day-to-day experience at the College. Dining halls are a huge part of making sure that students are well-fed and supported, so we listened to student feedback and implemented this change.”
Many Barnard students were pleased to hear the news. One told us, “Thank god they’re closing off Hewitt! If I had to stand
behind another gargantuan athlete in line and watch four of his buddies merge in front of me, I was going to lesbian lose it.” Another student had a similar vendetta against Hewitt-frequenting Columbia students: “Once I was behind this tall ass guy and he took all of the mac and cheese. All of it! It was like, half a tray! Go back to John Jay, fat ass!”
The newsletter also listed other changes coming to Barnard Dining: the Sushi Spot will now accept swipes, Liz’s Place will default to oat milk, and Diana Café will start cooking the chicken they put in the burrito bowls.
Abby Lee Miller Joins Barnard Dance Department Faculty
BY INICA KOTASTHANE & KIMBERLY WING
Barnard College’s renowned Dance department recently announced that industry legend and former Dance Moms star Abby Lee Miller will be joining the faculty as an adjunct lecturer. For the Fall 2025 semester, Miller is rumored to be teaching Tap Ensemble (DNCE-BC2558) and Dance Criticism (DNCE-BC3576), as well as a new course in the Psychology department about the impacts of punishments on child development, called “Jojo, Have You Learned Nothing?” (PSYC-BC2723).
Miller’s appointment to the department has not been without controversy. On-campus group Survivors of Dance Abuse (SoDA) recently issued a statement contesting Miller’s appointment, citing concerns that Miller would bring a culture of emotional abuse, negatively impacting their mental well-being. Many students also fear that taking a class with Miller
would reignite feelings of inadequacy that they felt in their youth.
Last year, Miller was invited as a guest lecturer for Ballet I. President Rosenbury, who was enrolled as a student in the course, reportedly ran out of the studio crying after Miller criticized her performance by commenting, “Boring. Yawning. Sloppy. Lazy.”
In an interview, Rosenbury, with noticeable puffy eyes, vehemently denied these claims, stating that she “always saves her tears for the pillow.”
Miller will also bring her expertise in pyramids to Columbia’s Cheer team as a part-time assistant coach. This semester, Miller has been spotted at the LeFrak Financial Wellness Center attending #LunchandLearn events. Leaders of these events explained that Miller has been showing great potential in her work to stop committing bankruptcy fraud.
Nonchalant Is Out. Chalant Is In.
BY VALERIE YUM
Recently, there has been an uptick of students who try so, so hard to be nonchalant in their everyday lives on campus. Examples of this nonchalant behaviour include avoiding eye contact with people you know in the dining halls, always leaning back, seeming disengaged in conversation, and suddenly archiving all your posts on Instagram to seem cool and mysterious. However, a new study shows that pretending to be nonchalant actually takes more effort than just being chalant. Furthermore, researchers confirm that being
nonchalant is actually minus aura. Instead of submitting to social pressure and acting rude and weird, let’s normalize being chalant again!
Say hi to the people you recognize, post the music you like, and tell your friends you love them. Being chalant will ensure that you have a better rest of your Spring semester, especially as the sun is back out again.
#bechalant #chalantera #newtrend
BY JAMES COPPERSMITH
This morning, President Armstrong announced that the infamous campus currency Dining Dollars has been renamed “Cafe East Dollars,” because “that’s literally the only place you can use them anyways.” Columbia has long been criticized for having two different campus currencies included in dining plans, FLEX and Dining Dollars. While FLEX can be used at many local businesses as well as on GrubHub, Dining Dollars have only been usable at Cafe East or Blue Java (or to buy a meal swipe if you’re a fucking nerd). Not even
Joe’s Coffee accepts them despite having multiple on-campus locations. Columbia has long argued that the only reason that Dining Dollars existed was because they helped them dodge taxes, as FLEX dollar purchases are subject to tax, and Dining Dollars purchases were not.
“We were just going to get rid of them and shift to only using FLEX, but the federal budget cuts encouraged us to dodge taxes even harder than before,” commented Armstrong. “I hope you all like boba!”
New Mexican Dining Hall: Señor Juan Jota’s
BY SPECTADOR STAFF
Dear Columbia Students,
We’ve heard your complaints. Despite our new locations this year, there is still one major glaring issue we haven’t been able to address when looking across all of Columbia’s dining options: there aren’t enough dining halls named after John Jay! How are we supposed to recognize and cherish the influence of the first Chief Justice of the Supreme Court if we’re subjected to dining halls that don’t bear his illustrious name?
Well fear not, Columbia students, because ahead of Cinco de Mayo this year, we are unveiling a brand new Mexican dining hall! After all, everyone knows that John Jay’s second favorite pastime (after brushing up on the Constitution) was whipping up some mean chimichangas!
Welcome, students, or should I say bien-
venidos, to Señor Juan Jota’s Taqueria! Starting May 5, grab your amigos, and head arriba to a cafetería that’s gonna absolutely blow your cabezas! What better way to celebrate Mexican Fourth of July? We’ll serve you comida that’s muy auténtica, including but not limited to Mexican Pizzas, Doritos Locos Tacos, and Baja Blasts! And don’t forget El Crunchwrap Supreme! As they say in Mexico, live más, am I right?
We can’t wait for our estudiantes to try our newest dining option! Till then, Hasta la vista baby, Chef Mike (Cocinero Miguel)
Head of Columbia Dining
Recently Enrolled in Elementary Spanish II
PALIT/STAFF ARTIST
Help! I Stuck My Hand Into The Tent To Scan In,
and Someone Licked It
BY FENWAY DONEGAN
I was running late to class, and I needed to get to Hamilton as quickly as possible. I went through the 114th entrance to campus, and put my hand through the tarp to tap my CUID. Even though everything usually goes well, I was prepared for the usual issues. Sometimes the scanner goes red and beeps, and then I have to wait even longer. Believe me, I could have handled it. I’ve gone through a series of traumatic experiences at Columbia: spending two weeks on a waitlist for a major requirement, showing up at the John Jay dining hall 15 minutes before it closes, and waiting twenty minutes
for a friend to come down and scan me into their dorm. All of those pale in comparison to what I experienced. Honestly, I never could have seen this coming. Behind the tarp, I saw something move, and someone LICKED MY HAND. I pulled it out in disgust and threw open the tent flaps, but there was NO ONE there. I wanted to see if someone—or something—was hiding under the table, but I didn’t want to hold up the line any longer. I was so shocked, I barely made it to class on time. Could this week get any worse?
Breaking: Barnard’s Cause of $250 Million Debt Revealed By Rosenbury’s MASSIVE SHEIN HAUL
BY DANI RIVERA
Following months of budget cuts and protests against the controversial college President, it was revealed that the College’s whopping $250 million dollars of debt was caused by none other than President Laura Rosenbury herself.
It all took place on a Monday morning, when students lined up outside the Barnard gates before attending their 10:10 AM lectures. The crowd was shocked as they watched five UPS trucks unload bags and boxes with the label “SHEIN,” holding up the line of students for nearly thirty minutes. Rosenbury, disguised in sunglasses and a hoodie, ran out to sign the package while her student assistants placed the orders in moving carts and rushed to Milbank Hall.
“Sorry Steve, I put the wrong address!” she whispered to one of the Shein delivery drivers after dapping him up. Rosenbury was faced with shouting from the line of students—some yelling “Get in line, lady!” as she rushed past the gates, and others yelling “Fast fashion kills!” and “Is this what you’re spending our tuition money on?” While
Rosenbury’s team refused to make a statement on the incident, they assured the Barnard community that the expense was not made on her company card.
Rosenbury later posted a thirty-part video series titled “HUGE SHEIN HAUL, $250 MILL+ MUST WATCH” to a TikTok account with the username @floridafashi0ng1rl. The haul included a range of items, including blazers, tankinis, mini Milstein green chairs for her dog, a graphic T-shirt that stated “keep calm and mask off,” a “Hello Kitty says back the blue” mug, and a ballet tutu.
The incident has sparked rage amongst the Barnard community, not just for Rosenbury’s reckless spending but also for her decision to support a controversial corporation like Shein.
“If she were to just have like ... thrifted it or something … then honestly, it would’ve been a good use of $250 million dollars,” said Bonnie B. (BC ‘25), “At least then she would’ve been diverting waste from landfills.”
While Rosenbury still refuses to make a statement, she has been seen asking for donations on TikTok LIVE, in a brand new Barnard blue pantsuit, with a built-in BBL
effect. The Spectador will continue to investigate this scandalous financial crisis, and will drop the link to the pantsuit ASAP.
ABC To Remove Funding From All Student Groups
BY ARON SHKLAR
In a surprising and controversial move, the Activities Board at Columbia (ABC) has announced that they will be removing further funding from all student groups under their banner. This will not be the first time that the ABC has cut funding from the student groups it oversees, as they did so at the beginning of the academic year. What makes this time different is that instead of removing just over 20% of the allocated funding from each group, they will be removing 100% of the funding— effective immediately.
“We understand that this is an unpopular move,” said an ABC spokesperson. “But this decision came
from the very top. The administration wanted money to build a new floor in Lerner and also wanted to blame students for the failings of university leadership. So they killed two birds with one stone and just took everyone’s funding.”
Many clubs were caught unaware, leaving some to cancel their meetings halfway through. One unfortunate Convirsio Virium member was left in a full-body gimp suit when their meeting ran out of funding before they could be cut loose. While campus publications were reportedly cut mid-print, leaving articles unfini-
ISABELLA
YUKTA SANT/STAFF ARTIST
Oh No! Fed Article Pitch
Clearly Just Trauma Dumping
BY FENWAY DONEGAN
Stunned sources at the latest Columbia Federalist meeting reported that the most recent pitch for the upcoming issue was clearly a thinly-disguised attempt to air out the writer’s recent trauma. Inside sources confirmed that a hush quickly fell over the group at the pitch, which began as a humorous anecdote about a hypothetical deadbeat boyfriend but quickly devolved into an extended anecdote about how being cheated on
has ruined the writer’s ability to connect with other romantic partners. Outside of a few chuckles, which were quickly silenced after the writer continued to detail how their gloating parents had never really supported the relationship, the meeting came to a standstill for over 40 seconds until a board member awkwardly asked “...soooo, anyone else?”
Insider sources further confirmed that this was not a one-off. Several high-level
Fed officials, who requested anonymity as they had not been authorized to speak about meetings (which occur at 8:30 PM every Sunday in Lerner 569) noted that trauma dumping during article pitching has spiked in recent years. “Yeah, we just kinda wait for the story to end and then try to move on,” explained one official. “Hey, it’s the price of being funny.”
An Update on the Moment of Our Community
BY KATRINA ARMSTRONG
Dear members of the Columbia Community, Throughout the course of this academic year, the challenges we face are no secret. Uncertainty has been and continues to be, and will continue to be an essential part of our campus community. But throughout this first half of the year ahead, I urge you to look forward to our key values and the mission upon which we stand. Columbia, it is our teaching and scholarship, research and experimentation, and creativity and boldness and boldness in such creativity that makes us diverse, resilient, and Columbia. While campus has unprecedented challenges, I trust that our community can rise
to the occasion and reaffirm our values like never before. The dialogues that we are engaging in are essential in starting the conversation about what it means to communicate. I have come to believe that excellence requires both a focus on achieving the best possible Columbia for each Columbian and on doing our best to support their individual journey through complicated and challenging communications.
Trying times are the most important times to try. When we as a campus community can unite around our shared diversity, we can see past the superficial differences between us and recognize that we all have a role to play in our mission of supporting
CUID to Include Binary Gender markers: (S)tudent/ (F)emale Student
BY ELIORA RIEBLING
In January, President Trump’s executive order “Defending Women from Gender Ideology Extremism and Restoring Biological Truth to the Federal Government” was signed into effect. Since then, government agencies have removed the “X” gender marker from official documents such as passports and driver’s licenses, ensuring non-binary identities are no longer federally recognized. Columbia University President Katrina Armstrong has recently announced that the university will follow suit.
While Columbia University Identification cards (CUIDs) do not historically
include gender markers, they will be receiving a “much needed” revamp in accordance with gender ideology restoration serving the goal of non-binary exclusion. Starting in Fall 2025, all CUIDs will feature new designation markers: an “S” for ‘student’ or an “F” for ‘female student.’
This small but vital change will serve to remove the confusion surrounding the ageold question posed by toddlers and adults alike, “are you a boy or girl?” Reporters from the Colombia Spectador spoke with President Armstrong about this decision as it pertains to greater campus safety and atmosphere. She explained, “Amidst trying
Shocking: Due to Funding Cuts, All Columbia Majors Equally Unemployable
BY JOSHUA THORNE
A new study from Reuters finds—in a shocking reversal of conventional major wisdom—that all undergraduate students from Columbia University are now equally unemployable.
In the wake of over $400 million in federal funding cuts under the Trump administration, job market saturation in competitive fields, and Columbia’s recent negative press coverage, all Columbia students face similarly abysmal prospects at post-grad employment regardless of undergraduate majors, says a senior analyst working on the study. “There used to be multiple factors that influenced employability after graduation,” she elaborates, “but given the recent upheavals in the academic landscape, the only students who can expect to find employment are those with family businesses and inherited wealth.” According to the same study, the “nepotism index”
for Columbia’s undergraduate students remains steady at around 27 percent—and so no more than 30 percent of this year’s graduating class can expect to find jobs in their respective fields.
In response to the news, many undergrads expressed dismay that their hours of work towards a STEM degree were in vain.
“If I had known it would’ve had the same outcome, I wouldn’t have spent a majority of my waking hours in Butler working on problem sets,” said one disgruntled physics student. “I should have just been an anthropology major.” Several organizations have jumped at the opportunity to market job openings to despondent graduates. Notably, both Tesla and the NYPD have advertised their internship programs on campus, although neither have had much success in recruiting from the student body.
our mission. I am so inspired by the commitment of the Columbia community. Only in the greatest city in the world can scholarship exist alongside excellence in academics and a dedication to academic excellence. Columbia has poised to demonstrate leadership in the field of value reaffirming and guest access.
There are many questions left unanswered, however. How do we as a campus community grow stronger from these resilient times more challenged? How can we move forward to meet the task at hand while simultaneously progressing towards meeting the challenges in front of us? How do we foster a productive environment of
scholarship and learning while preserving the students’ intellectual freedoms while fostering a conducive climate for education while ensuring the free expression of the Columbia community? While there is no clear answer to the questions posed to us today, I can assure you with the utmost sincerity that the gates will remain closed and that the security presence on campus will only increase.
All my best, Katrina Armstrong
times of uncertainty, having a straightforward answer on matters like this reinstates security to the community as a whole.”
President Armstrong and Barnard Col-
a special category for Barnard students, an “L” for ‘lesbian.’
Trans-Continental Railroad Renamed to Continental Railroad
BY FENWAY DONEGAN
Trump’s anti-DEI push continues. Executive Order 11354, the latest in a series of anti-DEI measures meant to counteract a perceived liberal dominance in the federal government, officially renamed the first trans-continental railroad also known as the “Pacific Railroad” to the “American Continental Railroad.” Experts have widely condemned this decision, saying that it erases a key part of American history and engages in historical revisionism. “Make no mistake, this cannot change what happened between 1863 and 1869,” said Ken O’Rourke, an associate professor of American history at Barnard College.
While many historians say that this
name change serves no legitimate purpose, the Trump administration pushed back against these characterizations, saying that it “returns the Biblical truth of biological sex back to America’s national railroads.” “For too long, America’s iconic and longest railroad has not reflected basic common sense truths, instead reflecting a radical, Marxist, communist agenda that will no longer be tolerated by the new administration,” reported press secretary Karoline Leavitt. When asked for further comment, Leavitt said that she had to leave, as she had just been informed that a federal government employee had said the word “union.”
lege President Laura Rosenbury have negotiated
In These Trying Times, Columbia Faculty Can Learn a Lot from Our Students
BY HILLARY CLINTON
Dear Columbia Community, It’s no secret that the current state of our campus— and our country—can seem intimidating, disheartening, and hopeless. It’s easy to spiral into pessimism and eventual apathy when there are so many issues that so urgently demand your attention. As educators, we might easily assume that we should step up as authority figures, or that we should be equipped with answers and solutions at every turn. Our most essential position, however, is that of the ally of the next generation—supporting and uplifting the future of this country rather than dis-
missing or dictating their perspectives. In this sense, Columbia faculty have just as much to learn from the brilliant students at this university as the students have to learn from us. We should never disregard our responsibility to listen to and learn from the people who make Columbia so special. For example, last Saturday evening, I was illuminated by the wisdom of a Columbia student in the most unexpected of ways. While appreciating the inspiring beauty of the Morningside campus as the sun was setting, I decided to stop in at JJ’s Place for a quick bite to eat before journey-
ing back to my residence. When I reached the stairs at the entrance of John Jay, I saw a line of patient students leading all the way down to the first floor. I chose to seek out the perspective of one exceptional student in line, asking them if they were there for dine-in or express. “Express,” they answered. I was trying to dine in, so I began to make my way down the steps to enter the dine-in line. “It’s just one line,” the student said, as I started around the corner.
“What,” I said, even though I had heard him. He reiterated, “Dine-in and express are all one line.”
“That doesn’t make any
sense at all,” I replied, “you guys are all going one by one, I literally just want to get in the building and eat an omelet. I have to wait until you guys all get your four items to get in there?” “I mean, kind of,” he responded, “they’ll like, call out for dine-in people, I think.” This didn’t sit right with me. “You obviously don’t know what you’re talking about. Do you know who I am?” I said before continuing down towards the JJ’s door.
However, when I opened it and told the employee that I was dining in, she yelled at me, and then I had to go back up the stairs like an idiot. It was the most hum-
bling moment of my life. I should have heeded the advice of the students, as they are among our greatest resources.
That’s only one of the many lessons I have learned from the talented student body at Columbia. One time a rando by the Sundial told me that they were giving out Red Bull by the Broadway gates, and while I was skeptical, I walked by and, lo and behold, a ridiculously attractive young person gave me a free zero sugar Red Bull from a large novelty vehicle. Last fall, I was struggling to figure out how to play split-screen Fortnite on the switch. While the young
woman who I approached unfortunately informed me that you can’t do that, she did teach me how to play Marvel Rivals, and for that I owe her a debt of gratitude. It’s tempting to conform to the convention that professors are the providers of knowledge and students are the beneficiaries, but our relationship is much more mutual, much more valuable, and much more beautiful than this. We, as a campus community, are learning with and from each other, navigating these unprecedented challenges together.
Columbia to Develop Montessori-Inspired Curriculum
ISABELLA PALIT/STAFF ARTIST
Rosenbury Finds Misplaced $252 Million Dollars Behind Couch
BY FENWAY DONEGAN & BAYAN SHIMIZU
Reporting that she “felt really bad about this,” and that “it’s always in the last place you look,” Barnard President Laura Rosenbury announced that she finally found the $252 million that she had misplaced several months ago. Taking full responsibility for the current financial crisis, Rosenbury announced that she would probably take immediate steps to eventually return some of the money to the Barnard endowment sometime soon. Embarrassed that her mishap had led to Barnard cutting faculty and staff benefits,
Rosenbury noted in her apology TikTok that she had turned her house upside down looking for the money. “I ended up vacuuming and dusting my shelves while looking, and threw away some old furniture that I wasn’t doing anything with. So, at the end of the day, what’s the harm?”
Given the large sum, Rosenbury plans to slowly reintroduce the money into Barnard’s budget over the next five years in the form of a staggered presidential salary increase.
BY CLARA NEILSON-PAPISH
After facing backlash for allegedly producing graduates who “lack the ability to read,” Columbia University has decided to take learning in a new direction. Inspired by the practices of K-6 education across the country, Columbia will now be shifting classes to focus on self-directed activity, hands-on learning, and collaborative play.
Director of the Center for the Core Curriculum, Larry Jackson, commented, “We see these students unable to sit through a 75-minute lecture without looking up ‘nail inspo’ on Pinterest or viewing ‘Insta stories’ on their laptops and frankly, we see a problem here. The Montessori Method distances students from technology and rather places the emphasis on practical skills, sensorial experiences, and self-motivated growth.”
Professors now must set aside half the
instructional time for parallel play, providing wooden blocks, chalk, magnets, pastels, and other creative tools for students to use. Other additions to the curriculum include a “household skills” class, where students can experiment with “safety-certified, bigkid teaching” laundry machines and kitchen sets adorned with functional cutlery and running water. “The long-term goal of this plan is to add it to the swim test, ensuring our little people can handle the big world.” Jackson noted, “Although the method isn’t traditionally employed in a college setting, we feel certain that these practices will expand our students’ imagination and allow them to take their education into their own hands and blossom into independent, productive adults.”
Best Places on Campus to Stand in a Large, Stationary Group with your Friends!
BY JULIA RYAN
Right in front of the gates
Right in front of the line to the gates
Right in front of me 11. Between me and the place I am trying nnnnnto get to
1. The hallway between JJ’s kitchen and nnnn dining room 2. The blind corner from the stairway to nnnn Hewitt 3. In the middle of Hewitt’s kitchen 4. Between the Hamilton elevator and nnnnnstaircase 5. In front of the soft serve machine in nnnnJohn Jay 6. On the steps of Uris 7. The intersection of the tiny walkways nnnn by Low Library (bonus points if you nnnn do this right before my class starts!)
Adams Pleads ‘I Know You Are But What Am I’ in District Court
BY FENWAY DONEGAN
In a stunning development that some are calling a “constitutional crisis,” Mayor Eric Adams has recently entered a plea of “I Know You Are, But What Am I” in exchange for the Department of Justice no longer pursuing charges against him. This unorthodox plea deal, which was previously assumed to be a voluntary dismissal, sets a dangerous precedent for other criminal defendants who attempt to curry favor with the current Trump administration in exchange for leniency. Federal Judge Dale Ho, the judge overseeing Adams’ case, now faces Adams’ charges of corruption and embezzlement. Judge Ho has entered a new whirlwind of controversy, as he must now defend whether he himself illegally pressured the fire safety inspection team to approve the new Turkish embassy design, as well as accumulating improper benefits through Turkish airlines and misusing campaign
funds. When asked whether Judge Ho would attempt to use the infamous “rubberglue” defense to avoid prosecution for the new alleged dealings with the Turkish government, Adams’ defense team noted
DANI RIVERA/ARTS EDITOR
that the plea had included an airtight “no takesie backsies” provision that would prevent Judge Ho from returning the case to Adams.
Senior officials at the Department
of Justice, who requested anonymity as they had not been authorized to speak about this case, noted that allowing a judge to receive the criminal charges that a defendant faces potentially endangers the rule of law. “Simply put, it’s worse than a quid-pro-quo. Now every criminal defendant knows they have the option to offload their convictions onto the presiding judge, provided they can use new legal strategies found in Project 2025 like the ‘Punch-Buggy-No-Punch-Back’ or the ‘Double-Jinx,’ strategies that our legal system was not meant to handle,” noted one official. “The Trump administration has a dangerous new tool,” concurred Columbia University Law Professor Ivan Ivinalinivich. “Hopefully the Supreme Court puts a stop to this, but with the current composition of the Court, you can never tell.”
REPORT: BigSki in Cahoots
With BigKneeDoctor, Leaked Memos Reveal
BY OLIVIA RUBLE
ASPEN, CO—A shocking new report from the Department of Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes has exposed an undercover collaboration between BigSki and BigKneeDoctor, with insiders alleging that ski resorts have been intentionally making slopes icier, steeper, and more “ligament-hostile” in a scheme to drive up knee surgery profits.
The report details how resorts have been secretly funneling skiers onto runs previously deemed “too vertical for human recreation.” Runs previously known as “double black diamond” have been relabeled with misleading names such as “You Are the LeBron James of Skiing” and “Great for Begin-
ners Who Love a Challenge” (this is a literal cliff). One leaked email from a BigSki executive states: “If they leave the mountain without a torn ACL, we have failed as a business.”
Despite mounting evidence, BigSki and BigKneeDoctor have denied any wrongdoing. In a joint statement, the companies insisted that skiing remains “a safe and accessible sport for all” and reassured the public that “knees, like kidneys, are redundant by design—you only really need one.”
The federal government has vowed to investigate, though several lawmakers have already been spotted hitting the slopes on spontaneous all-inclusive ski trips.
Unpacking the SHOCKING TRUTH
E-Board Nepo Babies
BY IZZY SZYFER
Have you been enjoying The Fed’s content this year? Love the creative direction? Well, I hate to break it to you, but The Fed is run by SECRET NEPO BABIES. See the evidence below.
Dani Winkler, Feditor-in-Chief: a Winkler from LA? Do I even need to spell this out? Dani is the granddaughter (or secret illegitimate daughter—my sources aren’t yet clear) of esteemed actor Henry Winkler. That’s right, America: the Fonz has ties to The Fed Olivia Ruble, Feditor-in-Chief: This one’s been more well-hidden, but Olivia is a longlost descendant of the Romanoffs, the Russian imperial family. The key is in her last name: RUBLE, aka the Russian currency. Imagine being so old money it’s literally your last name. Don’t worry, Princess Anastasia of Anastasia (1997) fame. Your legacy will live on in this literal queen.
Sylvi Stein, Managing Editor: A Stein in Art? Please. Say hi to Gertrude for me! We miss you diva <3 Ashley Rapp, Head Submissions Editor: Renée Rapp’s half-sister. NEXT!
Oliver Green, Head Submissions Editor:
This is too easy, gang. This History Major nepo king is following in the mighty footsteps of his parents, gay married couple John and Hank Green, who are two white guys who LOVE history. Take us to the ThoughtBubble!!
Dani Rivera, Arts Editor: The Latin club
diva roots go deep—Dani spawned directly from Chita Rivera, THE original Latin diva, of course. It’s difficult to imagine that this familial connection didn’t help Dani land their coveted role as Arts Editor at Columbia’s premier satirical publication. So there you have it. The Fed E-Board has
been overrun by nepo babies. It’s only me, Izzy Coppolla-Apatow-Paltrow-Kardashian-Jenner-Kravitz-Chopra-Jonas-Szyfer, to take a stand for meritocracy and protect the rest of this publication from the onslaught of the nepo baby affront.
Ask Fed: Can I Go on Spring Break Without Being a Gentrifier?
BY DANI RIVERA & DANI WINKLER
Dear Fed
All my friends are going to Punta Cana for Spring Break this year, and I’m supposed to go with them, but I’m starting to feel weird about it. We were also thinking about Costa Rica so that we’d be cooler than the mainstream Columbia crowd, but idk if that’s better.
Am I a gentrifier for visiting a country in the Global South? Should I just stay on campus instead? I don’t want to get canceled by my leftist friends who are going to Berlin, plz help. – Bad (?) SJW
Dear Bad (!) SJW,
Unfortunately, you sound like a gentrifier to me! Visiting a country that’s reliant on tourism just because it’s cheap and you get to wear a bikini? Sounds pretty exploitative to me.
And your alternative is to stay on campus and contribute to the rampant gentrification of West Harlem? Honestly, worse! Consider these non-offensive options for domestic and international travel instead:
If you’re looking for a new vacation spot and trying to curb your carbon footprint,
check out these destinations with the lowest rates of diversity in the country!
- Laconia, New Hampshire
- Butte-Silver Bow, Montana
- Barre, Vermont
- Watertown, South Dakota
- Clarksburg, West Virginia
But if you have to go abroad, why not check out one of the whitest cities in the original colonizer’s homeland, Workington, Cumbria in the United Kingdom? With 98.5% of the population identifying as white, you’ll fit right
in! Who knows, maybe you’ll even get to teach some locals about abolition and reconstruction!
Yeah you might not get a tan…and yeah you might not eat anything seasoned… but won’t the lack of white guilt be worth it? Whatever you do, let us know how it goes, and send us a magnet!
– The Fed
BY SOPHIA BROWN
I don’t exactly have straight A’s, and I always get cut in line for my quesadillas at JJ’s
But if I could win a toothbrush tussle all would be right with the world
I tripped from the very top of Low Steps, and a SEAS dweeb made fun of MY biceps,
But if I could win a toothbrush tussle all would be right with the world
My econ professor cold-called me, and I recently decided to grow a goatee
But if I could win a toothbrush tussle all would be right with the world
Everyone who’s anyone has felt that brushing burden
When you’re at the basins and have company Looking over, you’re scared, but there’s no curtain Your companion is scouring their chompers exultantly!!
What choice is there but to go stroke for stroke??
I do my darnedest to match their pageantry Nevertheless, it seems that time after time
I’m the one to choke
I’m an eternal wannabe
I’ve worked on my form, my stamina, my enthusiasm—to no avail!
I’m open to any suggestions one might proffer
It’s no use! It’s like Armstrong expecting us to check our email
I’ve simply exhausted my emotional coffers
I would happily weather any other struggle If I could only win a goddamn toothbrush tussle
ISABELLA