Columbia's Only Newspaper That Wears a Bikini with a Full Bush
Import Tariff? This Senior Just Performed a Stopgap Measure by Clearing Out JJ's Pick-4
By Ashley Rapp
wants a little bag please
A newly released article by The Guardian alleged that tech giant Apple flew 600 tons of iPhones to the U.S. from India in an attempt to beat recently imposed import tariffs by Trump. In a similar fashion, Columbia’s JJ's Place has reported that graduating seniors have collectively taken upwards of 600 items from the “Pick-4” dining swipe options in anticipation of their expiring dining swipes and impending inability to afford groceries of their own.
Dining analysts have warned that post-grad snack purchasing would be
prohibitively expensive because of the actual monetary transaction and rising taxes. U.S. financial service analysts have said a nonJJ's purchase of four snacks would cost upwards of $28. Fed reporters interviewed an unnamed student at the scene who performed a monumental “Pick-16.” “If grads want a $7 Hot Cheeto or a $3 Instant Ramen packet, then they should buy them at Morton Williams or Westside. Otherwise, I’m keeping my future costs down.”
The impact on JJ’s investors is still unclear at this time.
New Free Summer Housing Option Opens: Butler Library!
By Reza Shayesteh
For some members of the Columbia community, going home for the summer means time for rest and relaxation, prestigious internships, trips to Ibi(th)za, or spending time with old friends. But for those of us rural middle America DEIhires, going home means spending time with farm equipment, Republicans, and parents who are dubious about the hiring prospects in your esoteric liberal arts major.
So some of us elect to stay here in New York, the city that never sleeps! Internships are competitive, though, and only freshmen can get away with being Andy Cohen’s live-in concubines, so some of us have to get creative!
There is a community of people who live in New York City’s subway system, whom the public has lovingly, dehumanizingly deemed “mole” people. A similar community exists during the summer:
people who live in Butler Library from June through August. Hundreds strong, these students have everything they need right in Butler!
With Blue Java on the first floor, food is not an issue at all! With so much free time, the Butler mole community has plenty of time to read up on Butler’s most insightful books. This experience is invaluable! Who needs Goldman Sachs? Butler’s extensive polyamorous archeology section is bound to hold the answers to a fruitful career!
Hygiene may be a fear for prospective Butler moles, but don’t worry! At least three wealthy summer pre-college students leave behind a small bottle of hand sanitizer to clean you right up! It’s a hot girl summer! Don’t forget your bottle of dry shampoo that you’ve been using since your senior year of high school, and no one will be able to tell your vague stench from the general aroma of a sticky NYC summer!
Which Post-Grad Fate Came First, Unhoused or Unemployed?
By Ashley Rapp
philosopher
For decades, the post-grad dilemma of no housing and no job has sent Columbia seniors back home to their suburban towns with a fancy degree and a lack of direction. While various circles of philosophers and students with BAs in Philosophy who expected themselves to be anomalous and able enough to avoid such a fate have pondered the mechanics of this system, no one has agreed on which problem to tackle first: the job or the apartment .
The dilemma routinely plays out as follows: the unemployed post-grad cannot live in the city, thus rendering themselves unhoused. However, the unhoused graduate cannot eventually obtain a job in the city due to their lack of residency, therefore making a city job impossible and rendering them unemployed.
While the answer to this chicken-or-egg question has been a subject of centuries-long debate, one Columbia student believes they have found a solution: a rich parent on the board of a company who can secure the hypothetical grad both a job and a monthly allowance to pay for their housing while they “interview” amongst their nepo connections. Those graduates without such a parent must suffer, returning to both their high school service job and their childhood bedroom-now-turned-office.
stacks subletter
amateur
we've all been there
r/AITA: AITA for getting back at the roommate I’ve hated all year??
By u/millie_muncher666 • 9 days ago
ah sweet revenge
I (19F) go to the Orwell Ivy, and my roommate (18F) is straight from hell. It all started when we were DMing on Instagram. She’s from Brooklyn and like offered to show me around the city?? Like bitch I can read a map but thanks for treating me like a child. THEN she showed up the first day with like all the groceries we could want for the first month of school. Didn’t even ask my fucking opinion on the flavor of Doritos (the blue bag, which she did actually get, but how would she have known it was the right one when she got it??). And from there it’s just been constant. She always pesters me while I’m trying to do my work in the room: Did you want me to put anything of yours in the wash with my stuff? Oh, I took that class last semester; want my study guides? Would you maybe mind closing your window when it gets below thirty out? Look, the liberals are gonna come for me, but I’ve had to retaliate. I started with little things. Every time my hands got wet, I dried them with her face towel, obviously. Then, I let my mono-infested friend use her bed when she was out of town. And whenever she posted an ask me anything, I will admit that I was the one who berated her with questions about her saddle bag being fake (still haven’t gotten a clear answer on that one, btw). But now I’ve stepped it up to things she might actually notice. I pretty consistently pour the water from
her water bottle into mine so that I don’t have to walk all the way to the dispenser. And yeah, I’ve been siphoning off her perfume and replacing it with straight alcohol. But honestly, guys, am I really the asshole after all that she’s put me through?
Uris Meeting Rooms Converted to Sophomore Housing
By Bayan Shimizu
In order to address the ever-growing student population, Columbia Housing recently announced a new initiative to increase housing supply without the pains of increased building costs. Starting in Fall 2025, the university will convert all the Uris group-meeting rooms into new housing units for two students each, adding a sizable 38 doubles to the housing pool.
The central room of the library will continue to be accessible to all students, allowing residents easy access to meeting spaces with classmates or for group assignments. For non-residents, the new dorms will allow students to realize that they shouldn’t be complaining about their privacy, since their dorm probably has solid walls.
Columbia Housing reported excitement at the new project: “With this development, we come ever closer to fully resolving any issues around housing space. This will create a great living area for any students, or a horrifying punishment for any rising sophomores that we feel deserves it. As a small, indie university with no real budget, this is the best solution for all involved.”
Shortly after, Housing sent a follow-up to add, “By the way, student occupancy will be mandated for whichever freshmen the University Writing teachers find the most annoying in their class. Should’ve written a better P3, buddy.”
Graphic by Caitlynn Year/Staff Artist
10/10 networker
I Lived It: Incoming Freshmen Without the ‘29 in Their Bios Successfully Duped Me Into Following Them Back
By Reza Shayesteh
ready to listen and learn
It all started so innocently. An account requested to follow me. The bio was so simple—; an elegant, quaint “@columbia”.
“Oh that’s crazy,” I thought to myself. “That’s where I go to school too!”
A Spotify link. “No way! I love the Smiths too! I wonder if they’re a deep-thinker philosophy major like me. I think I recognize them from my marxism class?”
“30 mutual followers? No way, Suzie knows them? They seem so cool.”
I accepted the request. I requested to follow back.
A few days passed.
Then, I started to see prom photos on my feed. “That’s weird. I don’t remember this person from high school.” I thought nothing of it.
Then graduation photos. “Wait, that isn’t my high school!”
I checked the Instagram account. It was the same one I had followed earlier.
Then it hit like a ton of bricks. Senior assassin videos. Senior sunrise pics. 6th year anniversary with
Columbia University Announces New Master's In Negotiation at Freshly-Minted Neville Chamberlain School
of Appeasement
By Fenway Donegan and Donald Donegan Jr.
wait, is that the harry potter guy?
Writing that the new program would help ensure “peace in our time,” President Shafik Armstrong Shipman touted the new announcement as a fresh direction for Columbia. Citing recent pressure from the Trump administration, the president’s office explained that the new school would mint the next generation of leaders. The recently-released class list for the School of Appeasement includes offerings like “Prioritizing Your Values: How to Get Ahead and Stay Ahead,” “At The Negotiation Table: How to Give It All and Get What You Want,” and “How to Formulate Plan C when You’re Walking Away From Plan B.” Officials within the president's office indicated they were pleased with the class line-up, but were willing to offer more classes if students asked forcefully enough.
According to unnamed sources, the Neville Chamberlain School of Appeasement—set to open on the business campus school in 2025—is expected to target a wide variety of students in an attempt to offset some of the University’s recent financial hardships. A high-ranking Columbia administrator, who asked to remain anonymous due to a previous “group chat fiasco,” stated that, “Sure, losing all of our NIH grants was difficult, but once we get a graduating class or two, our university will finally have some leaders we can turn to for advice.”
Am
their ugly boyfriend. They’re playing the lead in their senior musical??
Am I going to be on Dateline? Is John Quiñones about to pop out with cameras? I’m going to be cancelled. I’m an enabler. I feel like Leonardo DiCaprio. Obviously, I. who has almost completed my entire freshman year, can’t relate to any of that! I’m just too emotionally complex and mature; Lit Hum changed my ways of thinking. I hit the unfollow button. I take to my notes app for accountability for my disgusting actions.
I Crazy, or Do I Have the Freakiest Position on This Paper?
By Ashley Rapp
Sub Editor
Head: wtf y'all. I don't even have to explain this one.
Sub: Okay...yeah, sure I'm the "sub"...right.
Editor: eh-tit-ohr...TIT? I know y'all heard that too!!!!
Outlined freaky tasks: I have a team BELOW me that does anything I ask them to do. I SHARE my POSITION with another person (#groupie #poly). I report to higher up “doms” called my “chiefs” (#roleplay).
Head
Ferris Booth Commons Vegan Chorizo, a Love Poem From a Struggling Vegetarian
By Federalist Staff
A’walkin round in Lerner, Looking for a treat.
Thought: well im close to Ferris, But all they ever have is meat!
choriz-hoe
Adulterous Father Sweats Bullets as Easter Egg Hunt Spreads to His Car
By Ashley Rapp & Oliver Green
Chicken, bacon, sausage, pepperoni on their pies, Ferris Booth Commons is hard to see with my strictly plant based eyes.
But alas it’s seven, An’ I’ve a meeting at eight, So in Lerner I must dine.
I swipe my card and prepare for the fate Of a meal that's truly…fine.
My eyes scan the hot dining trays, seeing animal too and fro,
I shake my head, filled with dread, to the Action Station I must go.
I shuffle up, as an unexpectedly succulent scent I sniff,
My salvation reads up on the screen: VEGAN CHORIZO.
Oh joy, oh wondrous day this is, a shiver down my spine,
You are so underappreciated my love, but at least there ain’t no line.
I say with glee, “Chorizo Please, and every single side” Sour Cream, and beans, and chips galore, my chest bursts with pride.
Seasoned just so, you should always know, you’re the best thing on my spoon.
I love you, Vegan Chorizo, won’t you please come again soon.
hiding more than chocolates in here
“Hey little bud! Let’s move away from there haha… no eggs in the car, buddy! Here, let’s play hot-and-cold – you’re freezing cold! Let’s go back to Mommy, maybe there are some more eggs over there haha… *key lock sound* whoopsies! Accidentally hit the lock button hahaha, oh well, I guess the car is off limits today! Okay buddy, no, don’t look through the windows, champ. This isn’t a part of the hunt, let’s go back to the yard! Hey hey hey, c’mon there’s no candy in Daddy’s keys…Wait, no! I mean, the Easter Bunny says to give Daddy his keys back, okay? NO! Don’t bring them to Mommy, that’s not what the bunny said. We gotta listen to the bunny, right bud? He’s going to be really upset with you… he’s going to take all of your chocolate eggs away if you don’t give Daddy his keys back RIGHT NOW! Thank you. The Easter Bunny says not to tell your mommy about this one, alright little guy?”
Graphic by Caitlynn Year/Staff Artist
Hollywood to Change Tonys, Oscars, and Grammys to “Girl Names”
By Julia Ryan
thanking the academy
Responding to viewer concerns over male-dominant representation in the entertainment industry, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences, Recording Academy, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, and American Theatre Wing have introduced a new initiative to diversify the award experience: renaming their awards with “girl names.”
“For too long have the names of men overshadowed the work of women in this industry,” stated a spokesperson. “Now, we want to make the names of women heard!
Specifically, the names Taylor, Ophelia, and Gracie.”
When asked whether these changes would be accompanied by meaningful work to reduce the gender disparity during awards and address the challenges faced by women and gender-nonconforming individuals in the entertainment industry, the spokesperson added, “We are going to make the Emmys nonbinary,” and panned the camera to Tom Cruise doing pirouettes on an active electric cable.
ACCOUNT ALERT: If You Don’t Complete Your Anti-Sexual Harassment Module, We Will Come After Your Family.
By Beau Gantz the enforcer
Alright, clearly you haven’t been taking us seriously. We told you to complete the training. We told you it was New York state law. We told you that if you didn’t do it, we’d have to block access to your account. You still wouldn’t listen. You forced our hand here, kid. I’ll give it to you straight: If you don’t hold up your end of the bargain, some real tragic shit could happen to that lovely family of yours.
And let me be clear—I sure do hope it doesn’t come to that. I hope you use that big Ivy League brain of yours and just do the damn modules. I hope you sit down for a half hour and pretend to watch the videos, and I hope you look at the little “What would you do?” quiz for a half second be -
fore clicking the only option that isn’t a felony. It’s not hard, but it sure seems like you have a lotta trouble getting it done, huh? I hope you find some time…for your poor mother’s sake.
I don’t like being the bad guy, alright? I’d love to have a friendly chat with you, maybe even meet your old parents under…better circumstances. But that’s not an option any more, is it? Because you think you can just click us away? That’s disrespectful, kid. And it’s a pretty ballsy move from someone whose voting records and corresponding addresses are so publicly accessible, don’t you think? By the way, that’s a lovely house you got back home. Big white one, right? Probably a lotta memories in there. Sure would be a shame…
Are you anti-anti-sexual harassment? Is that the kinda person you are? Is that the kinda person your mother raised? Are your sisters and brothers sexual harassment supporters too? I can’t imagine that, pal. They’re all probably real good people, huh? I’d hate to see them dragged into all of this. Do the right thing here, kid. Do your modules, and you’ll never see me on your login page again. Wouldn’t that be nice? Going straight from your Duo push to Courseworks, knowing that everyone back home is safe and sound? You could have that, buddy. You just gotta be smart here. Do the Anti-Sexual Harassment modules. For your family’s sake.
Graphic by Isabella Palit/Staff Artist
what are they compensating
Columbia Agrees to Whatever Will Make This Go Away
By Fenway Donegan
a sensible strategy?
Insider sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, have confirmed that Columbia University has agreed with the federal government to do whatever it takes to make this stop. While top universities were stunned when Columbia University voluntarily agreed to enter a consent decree, which would dramatically increase federal oversight of an already beleaguered university, The Federalist can confirm this is only the beginning of a series of steps that Columbia will take in order to remove itself from The New York Times headlines.
The Federalist reviewed a document with a list of potential actions that Columbia may take and can confirm that “say yes to whatever is in the letter” was highlighted, while “keep student’s information private” had been crossed out and had a hand-drawn frowny face next to it. Senior administrators at Columbia University familiar with this document confirmed that, when it comes to next
steps, nothing is off the table; from removing Acting President Claire Shipman, axing the Core Curriculum to adding Trump Steaks to every dining hall, they are open to anything. These administrators further confirmed that Columbia had already begun purchasing a bouquet from Westside Market and writing a personalized apology letter to Linda McMahon in the hopes that maybe it would work.
“We know that many will see this as capitulating, but whatever these future changes are, they were probably long discussed or already in motion,” reported Provost Angela V. Olinto when asked about potential alterations in the university’s policy. “The university hopes to center our discussion around how much we want to stop being the center of discussion."
Trump Insecure About Jawline, Purchases Gua Sha
By Livy Molko
buy one for $1.82
We all have our insecurities. Believe it or not, even the President of the United States does. Reportedly, Temu delivery driver Kyle Scott delivered a large shipment of jade green gua sha and pink marble face rollers to the White House last Tuesday. Trump asked that they be delivered directly to his ensuite bathroom, as to not reveal his insecurity to any staff members of the White House. Scott, who has been employed at Temu for a dedicated four months, entered the White House through a secret trapdoor on the East Wing. He meekly approached the golden hallway to the bathroom, which reportedly was adorned with multiple oil paintings of Trump wearing the skin of a different animal in each one. Scott placed the box on the leather bidet toilet cover. While attempting to tiptoe away, a velvet-robed Trump emerged from behind the satin shower curtain and approached Scott. Trump grabbed Scott’s wrist and allegedly begged Scott to teach him to use a gua sha. Trump confessed to Scott that he had been suffering from insecurity surrounding the strength of his jawline after seeing a presumably AI-generated image of JD Vance with a rock hard chin and commanding silhouette. Trump told Scott that it was his patriotic duty to mentor him in the intimate art of the gua sha. After Scott feebly explained that he was just the delivery driver and not a beauty
influencer or a traditional East Asian medicine practitioner, Trump called security to remove him immediately. El Salvador will be Scott’s new place of residence for the foreseeable future.
Graphic by Dani Rivera/Arts Editor
Trump to Halt Attacks on Cinco de Mayo following Meeting with President Sheinbaum
By Federalist Staff
is cinco de mayo(nnaise) an instrument?
WASHINGTON, DC—President Trump appeared to walk back his comments from last week, affirming his commitment to the continuance of Cinco de Mayo celebrations in the United States amidst tariff negotiations with Mexico. After changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America earlier this year, news outlets had been speculating that the President might continue his assault on the Latin American country with similar executive orders. The President leaned into these rumors last week, floating potential threats such as changing the name of “Cinco de Mayo” to “May 5th.”
Insider sources reported that soon after these comments, President Claudia Sheinbaum Pardo of Mexico called an emergency meeting with Trump, resulting in the two meeting over Zoom just hours later. As National Security Advisor Mike Walsh forgot to encrypt the meeting code, add a password, or even create a waiting room, The Fed obtained exclusive audio of the two leaders in conversation. The first few minutes of the Zoom consisted of confused questioning by Trump for Sheinbaum as to why her Zoom video wasn’t “yellow like in the movies.” This was followed by a brief discussion of the repeated breakouts of E. Coli in lettuce at Chipotle, which Sheinbaum asserted had absolutely “nothing to do with Mexico or its people.” President Sheinbaum shut down ideas from President Trump, such as renaming margaritas to “Melania-ritas,” or changing the base of the well-known Mexican cocktail to whiskey to reduce America’s reliance on imported tequila.
Shortly after the pair’s meeting, President Trump appeared in front of reporters in a press briefing to walk back his previous statements. “I have no issues with Cinco de Mayo, despite what the liberal media says,” he said. “It is a well-known fact that I’ve done more for the country of Mexico than any other president in the history of the United States. I love Mexico. I love their salsa, I eat it all the time, I even eat the ones with two chili pepper symbols next to them…maybe three if I’m feeling a little loco. Mexico loves me too. They love me, almost as much as they loved James Polk.” The President affirmed that nationwide celebrations of Cinco de Mayo would continue as planned. “This will be the greatest Cinco de Mayo—the most American Cinco de Mayo—in history.”
Columbia University Sells You to One Direction
By Kimberly Wing
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
their tongues battled for dominance...
At 8 AM, you wake up in your cramped Carman Hall dorm and pull your hair into a messy bun. You slip on an oversized hoodie, ripped jeans, and Converse. As you’re leaving for class, Roar-ee and Alma Mater are waiting in the lobby, staring at you with solemn expressions. You glance up from the book you’re reading.
“Alma Mater from the Low Steps and Roar-ee the Lion?! What’s going on?” You ask in confusion.
“Listen up, Y/N!” Alma Mater draws on her cigarette. “The government is canceling $400 million in federal funds to Columbia, and we need money fast! Roar-ee and I sold you so we could get some cash back!”
“What?!” You cry. “You can’t do that!”
“Go upstairs and pack your bags, your new owners are gonna be here any minute now!” Roar-ee roars at you.
Tears stream down your face as you return to your dorm and pack your college memories in a single Jansport backpack. Out of all the students, why did it have to be you who got sold? All you wanted to do was read books and discuss The Odyssey in Lit Hum, because you actually like reading—you’re not like other Columbia students.
As you sniffle and trudge down the stairs, you reluctantly force yourself to accept your fate. However, you look up to see Alma Mater and Roar-ee... standing with the band One Direction?!?! You glare at all of the band members in disgust.
“No way! Aren’t you guys that stupid British band?!”
“Oi luv, what’s all this then?” Zayn, the one with chocolate brown orbs, scoffs.
It suddenly clicks in your head: Columbia was founded by the British, so now the university was relying on their support by selling you to them!
“Thanks for taking Y/N off oaur hands, boys.” Roar-ee said with a malicious grin.
“Shut up! I hate both of you! I hate One Direction!” You sob.
“Lit-rally madness luv,” The one with brown hair, whom you recognize as Harry Styles, rolls his eyes. “Everyone in the bloody world loves us.”
“Well I’m not like the others! I hate all of you!”
Before you can protest further, Alma Mater knocks you unconscious with her bronze scepter.
Slither.io Makes Statement on Columbia Administration
By Dani Rivera
After weeks of PR chaos, Slither.io has finally come forward regarding the resurgence of some controversial tweets made by Columbia University’s Acting President, Claire Shipman.
In these tweets (The Fed refuses to call it by its new name), Shipman desperately begged for someone to play Slither.io with her over the span of two months in 2016.
Given that these tweets took place nearly 10 years ago, Slither. io was hesitant to address them. “We thought everyone playing our game was under the age of 12,” a spokesperson told the Fed. “The Twitter button on our website was
the snakes went woke?
just a part of the web server we were paying for...we never thought it would lead to such controversies.”
Slither.io made it clear that the company does not agree with the actions of the current administration of Columbia University. In a press release they stated:
“Slither.io teaches us a lesson about greed. You consume and you become more and more powerful and eventually, it all goes away. Power is temporary. Your greed is redistributed. The same will happen to the Columbia administration. Their greed will only get them so far. We stand with the youth.”
Graphic by Isabella Palit/Staff Artist
Odes to All My Campus Missed Connections
By Izzy Szyfer
The rumors are true: I’m graduating. Byeeeee!! But before I go, honor and duty compel me to use my lofty platform at the Columbia Federalist to pen odes to my campus missed connections.
O, Dean, Jamel, and Kwame of Ferris,
Dear shepherds of the morning-time omelette,
How I longed to be part of your banter.
I don’t know much about sports or dining hall drama, but to share a smile with you, sets my eyes and hearts scrambling with joy.
Once, I asked you for four eggs, rife with the Boldness of youth. They looked at me and asked
If I was an athlete. No, I said, but I lift weights. What weights, five pounds? They asked me.
Sometimes, I said. Now, may I have spinach, broccoli, ham, and turkey, please?
Omelette. Thanks.
I will forever and always watch my eggs while I am standing on the line.
To the corgis of Columbia, Come out and play!
Let me see you all, Strutting across College Walk and Broadway.
Once, I saw seven corgis in a day. That was a good day.
To the Wafels and Dinges truck, You confuse me so.
How can I see the calendar at which you throw darts
To decide when you’ll arrive?
How can I ensure I walk by your wafel-ly scent
And joyfully fluttering Belgian flag
At my heart’s desire?
Come back, come back, sweet love, Let me feast my eyes upon the WMD (Wafel of Mass Deliciousness) At my heart’s content.
To that one security guard who has celebrated Ash Wednesday while on the job every year,
You fascinate me. Don’t think I can’t recognize you
Without your little ashen cross – I can.
Every year, I forget Ash Wednesday. Why would I remember? I’m Jewish. But you, you always remind me. We’ve never spoken, but I’d love to hear your ashy thoughts.
I want to know what you gave up for Lent.
I want to know what it means to repent.
Most importantly. I want to know what you thought of Conclave
not to be confused with your losing NYT Connections streak
Coastal Elite Win! Girl is Never Leaving New York
By Izzy Szyfer
nyc wants me but scottsdale, arizona NEEDS me Sorry, Middle America. I can’t do this anymore. I need to be where culture is, or whatever Lady Bird said in Lady Bird. That’s an A24 film, by the way. Do you know A24? They did Marcel the Shell with Shoes On. Also, I call them films now. Movies are so pedestrian.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that despite happily spending the first eighteen years of my life in a state with no coastline, these past nine months in New York have changed me. I’m different now. For starters, my blood is 43 percent dirty martini, 10 percent cream cheese, and the rest is normal blood stuff, I guess. Yeah, the doctor is really worried. But that’s what it means to live in New York.
Everyone has a story to tell, and mine is bagel blood. Life outside the island (aka Manhattan, obvi) is so slow. Everything is so slowwww. New York is different. Nowhere else could I wait 40 minutes in the freezing cold for a weird food popup or to get into a club. And the life here is just so much more diverse than back home. When I get my $7 iced oat milk latte, I see people holding designer bags of all shapes and colors—you can’t get that range of diversity anywhere else! What can I say? New York changes you.
Even within New York, I’m a coastal elite—my dorm room looks over the water! I mean, sure, it’s the water spewing from a broken fire hydrant, but who am I to
CONGRATULATIONS AND CONDOLENCES: This
Woman
Has Post-Grad Plans!
By Gabrielle Linder
It’s Grad School no one ever asks about your pre-grad plans </3
At least one graduate in the Class of 2025 can sleep easy, knowing what the future holds after she graduates. Unfortunately for her, the future holds years of meticulous research into a niche subject no one cares about, and the requirement to write a book no one will ever read— probably not even the thesis committee. Despite complaining about similar requirements as an undergraduate, she decided to commit to even more time in academia, one step deeper entrenched in its tedious minutia. She says she’s looking forward to the work-life balance—which she won’t achieve for another seven to nine years minimum. Is it about her alleged passion for enrichment, to cultivate her knowledge? Or is it just putting off adulthood? We may never know, but one thing is for certain: it’s certainly not the pay.
criticize Mother Nature? I’ve lived in New York for my whole freshman year. I guess this means, yeah, I am better than you. And I’m never leaving. Except until my finals end and my parents pick me up and I go back omg pls no don’t do it pls I can’t take this I forgot how to driiiiiiiiive!!
The Fed’s Guide to Mother’s Day Apostrophes
By Oliver Green
we got your back here! It’s almost time for the most nerve-racking part of a certain spring holiday dedicated to mothers: figuring out where to put that damn apostrophe in your loving message! Luckily for you, The Fed has compiled a list of several now-acceptable ways to punctuate the holiday.
• Mother’s Day
• Mothers Day
• Mothers’ Day
• Mothers Day’
• M’others D’ay
• Moth’er’s Day
• Mot’her’s Da’y
• M’o’t’h’e’r’s D’a’y
• Mothers ‘Day
• ‘Mothers’ Day (she’ll love this one!)
Graphic by Dani Rivera
Shipman Presidency a Groundbreaking Step Forward for Trustee Representation
By Beau Gantz
LGBTrustees
The role of acting president is the highest acting position at Columbia and an essential part of our university ecosystem. But for too long it’s been reserved for only the most privileged and elite individuals, completely neglecting portions of our community that deserve representation. In recent years, however, the heroic administration has taken steps to break down the walls to the acting Presidency. The fondly-remembered Baroness Minouche Shafik was the first woman to become University President in 2023, and shortly after, the universally-popular Dr. Katrina Armstrong became the first woman to be interim university president.
As of recently, yet another glass ceiling was shattered: not only did Claire Shipman become the first woman to serve as “acting” president (which is distinct from “interim” president in the sense that it is a different word), but she also represents another long-neglected community: the Board of Trustees.
The Board of Trustees gets a bad rap, but I think we can all agree that when you really look at them, they’re a pretty fun group of rich people re-
sponsible for all the decisions about campus life that we all love so much. Following their winning streak of a series of brilliant “overall governance” moves, the Board of Trustees decided to treat themselves when selecting Armstrong’s replacement by going with one of their own. Hell yeah, guys! You deserve it!
By representing the Board of Trustees, Shipman will be representing the interests of the entire Columbia community—not just the students or the faculty or the surrounding neighborhood. In fact, their opinions will barely factor into her decisions at all!
Not only is it a huge step for trustees of today, but it sets the precedent for all the young trustees out there who can finally see themselves represented in a prestigious acting leadership role. Shipman’s appointment isn’t just for us (again, not at all), but for the next generation of trustees who dream of becoming acting presidents someday. Best of luck, Acting President Shipman! Make the trustees proud!
Dom Seeking Sub: Dominican Friar Desires
Chef Mike's Sub Sandwich
By Brother Thomas of the Order of Preachers
10 Hail Marys for a hoagie
Peace be upon you, brothers and sisters. I write today not as a holy man, but as a humble vessel tormented by temptation. It began, as most sins do, with a scent on the wind—like manna from heaven, but with savory undertones.
Though I have vowed obedientia, paupertas, and castitas unto our Lord, I now find myself beset by a most carnal longing for a Chef Mike’s Sub Sandwich with extra spicy mayo. I have fasted, I have prayed, I have slapped mine own wrist with a ruler (gently, for I am but flesh). Yet, still the craving persists.
I beseech thee, guide my path as my guardian angel might, and deliver me not from temptation, but unto the sanctified doors of Chef Mike’s Sub Shop. Amen.
Graphic by Ava Lyon-Sereno
Ask and You Shall Receive: Administration Responds to Admitted Student Concerns
By Livy Molko, Clara Neilson-Papish, Sophia Brown & Valerie Yum
Dear Class of 2029,
He’s Just like Me Fr: Trump Declares End of War on Shower Pressure
By Valerie Solanas
SOOO YUMMYYYY
Congratulations on Your Admittance to the Most Brutalized Ivy League Student Body!
While we looked at almost one hundred applications from all over the world (i.e, from one boarding school hotspot to the next), yours stood out due to your blatantly obvious desperation and willingness to pay above and beyond full tuition. We admire your commitment to Volunteer, Sport, and Academic. We’ve never encountered a student quite like you! In response to some concerns we suspect you may have about selecting us (Roar, Lion, Roar!), we are able to offer some incredible resources for your next four years—provided that you submit your $400,000,000 deposit to Columbia at your earliest convenience. In addition to a world-class education, renowned professors, and the immense professional opportunities that New York City has to offer, we will be adding �� ✨✨ DUBAI CHOCOLATE STATIONS �� ✨✨ to our campus.
Yes, you heard that right. We have taken the feedback from the SGA survey of our current students about the state of the university, and after heavily considering the student concerns about campus access and security, we have decided to provide free and delicious �� ✨✨ DUBAI CHOCOLATE STATIONS �� ✨✨ for each and every student on campus.
So we sincerely hope you make the right choice, selecting Columbia University, the only school with state-of-the-art facilities, unmatched academic rigor, and �� ✨✨ DUBAI CHOCOLATE STATIONS �� ✨✨
Hugs and kisses,
Chocolatier Shipman
i feel so seen
In an executive order on April 9th, President Trump announced the end of the Left’s war on showerheads. Lauded as a rare win for radical feminists, Trump has taken down the Obama-Biden administration’s agenda to curb shower pleasure, which attempted to stifle women’s and bottoms’ private time in the shower by implementing unAmerican limits to water pressure in showerheads. In a statement, Trump asserted, “I think we should all finish—unlike Biden with that election!! Amirite, folks?” I, a woman in touch with her body, am moved by this effort to let more freak flags fly. Trump, a diva himself, later tried to defend his God-given right to a fierce hairdo:
“I want [the shampoo] to be lathered beautifully. And I get this best stuff you can buy, and I dump it all over. And then I turn on the water, and the damn water drips out. I can’t get the stuff out of my hair. It’s a horrible thing.”** But we know the truth, Mr. President. The coastal elite won’t want the world to know and will bring you to shame for it, but we honor your right to pass this bill so you can go back to having a blast with your ~ Oval Office ~ in the privacy of the West Wing. President Trump, thank you for being a sister. #MAGA
**: DISCLAIMER , this is a real quote.
Student-Athletes Riot in Response to Ferris Egg Shortage
By Ava Lyon-Sereno, Inica Kotasthane & Kimberly Wing
walking on egg shells around here...
Columbia Dining recently announced that, due to Trump’s newly enacted eggonomic policies, each student would be limited to two eggs per day. Egg consumption will be tracked via CUID and crossreferenced by Allied Security using surveillance tapes. Student-athletes have expressed outrage at the new policy, given that they contribute to over 75% of all egg consumption at Columbia. University Facilities and Operations told The Fed in an exclusive statement that this was an “eggcellent idea.”
Upon learning about the change, Fed reporters spoke to multiple students at Ferris Booth Commons during the morning breakfast rush. “I need my eggs scrambled, like my brain,” said S.P. Lit, a football
player recently diagnosed with CTE. When asked to specify the number of eggs in his typical order, he started counting on his fingers. “If I can’t get six eggs in my omelette, I’m gonna start smashing shit!” baseball player Jack Edup told The Fed . Talk about a fowl play!
If a student is found to have exceeded their egg limit, their swipe access will be revoked until they bring an equivalent number of eggs to a drop-off site in Wien Hall. Those who repeatedly violate this policy will be eggsecuted.
Despite the lack of eggs in Columbia athletes’ diets, the poor outcomes of recent games indicate that their performances have barely changed.
SUNDAYS. 8:30 PM. LERNER 569. BE THERE.