May Issue 2025

Volume XLII • Issue 6 • May 2025

the

Columbia's Only Newspaper That Wears a Bikini with a Full Bush

THE TEAM EDITORIAL BOARD

GENERAL BOARD

Feditors-in-Chief

Submissions Editor Fenway Donegan

Olivia Ruble Dani Winkler

Managing Editors Sylvi Stein Izzy Szyfer Head Submissions Editors Oliver Green Ashley Rapp Arts Editor Dani Rivera

Head Copy Editor Aron Shkar Head Layout Editor Ruth Shikanov Social Media Editor Inica Kotasthane Zoe Silverman Online Editor Elena Lukac

GENERAL BOARD Submissions Editors Beau Gantz Inica Kotasthane Ava Lyon-Sereno Sasha Maroulis Livy Molko Clara Neilson-Papish Reza Shayesteh Aron Shkar Ava Young-Stoner Valerie Yum Copy Editors Sophia Brown Jem Hanan Lily Lee Ava Lyon-Sereno Sophia Mariano Ava Min Clara Neilson-Papish Nicole Pi Julia Ryan Reza Shayesteh Ruth Shikanov Katie Stollmack Joshua Thorne Jessica Weinfeld Isabella Paz Winger Valerie Yum Staff Artists Mia Chang Mim Datta Syd Finver Stella Fusaro Ava Lyon-Sereno

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Sophia Mariano Isabella Palit Nicole Pi Eliora Riebling Stella Turowsky-Ganci Layout Editors Sophia Mariano Kamtoya Okeke Julia Ryan Staff Writers James Coppersmith Fenway Donegan Beau Gantz Inica Kotasthane Gabrielle Linder Elena Lukac Ava Lyon-Sereno Sophia Brown Sophia Mariano Sasha Maroulis Livy Molko Clara Neilson-Papish Julia Ryan Anna Rosenbloom Reza Shayesteh Bayan Shimizu Aron Shklar Quinn Snyder Joshua Thorne Stella Turowsky-Ganci Victor Uceda-Sosa Kimberly Wing Valerie Yum

Letter From the Feditors Dear Reader, Shoooooweeee! Another year of The Columbia Federalist is in the books—and what a year it has been. Let’s break it down by the numbers: six issues printed; 7,500 copies distributed; 273 articles published; one Eat-More-Vegans sign hung; one Lerner Walk-athon completed; two Fed Bashes flawlessly executed; and a lot of laughs.

It goes without saying that this has been a difficult year for Columbia. We would be remiss to say that we at the Fed have been unmoved by the near constant upheaval on campus. Like every student, faculty, staff, and alum, this turbulence has affected every aspect of our daily lives. Like, positively affected though. All of the drama was great for our ratings tbh. Our Instagram is killing it, our club is funny as fuck, we get to publish slams on the administration and pass ‘em off as jokes, and we even got to break a few headlines before Spec did.

None of this would have been possible without the dedication and consistency of our staff writers, staff artists, copy editors, submissions editors, layout editors, technicians, and contributors. We cannot overstate how much we appreciate you. We also want to extend our most heartfelt thanks to our Editorial and General Board members for their commitment, scrutiny, and impeccable senses of humor. You made every Sunday night a joy.

We look forward to watching the Federalist continue to grow as a locus for subversive and topical satire and humor on campus. As we step away from our roles as the 20242025 Co-Presidents and Co-Feditors, we feel so lucky to have played a small role in nurturing this paper. Thank you for reading.

Signing off, Dani Winkler & Olivia Ruble Feditors-in-chief

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PAGE 3: you're on right track... said every english teacher ever...

PAGE 4: generational wealth now loading PAGE 5: well am i the asshole?

PAGE 6: columbia, the playbill PAGE 7: EVERYTHING is going downhill PAGE 8: certified freak PAGE 10: do those modules gf PAGE 11: give the american people what they DESERVE PAGE 14: THE beauty gadget of 2025, thanks to trump PAGE 15: facist fued PAGE 16: midwest representation PAGE 17: this is about y/n...

PAGE 18: i <3 slither.io Volume XLII Issue 6

LEGENDARY...

Revolutionary? English Major Ends Thesis with 'And Then I Woke Up'

By Federalist Staff

nobel prize in literature incoming

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and senior theses have been submitted. Most seniors would take this tranquil moment before finals to enjoy their final weeks at Columbia.

However, The Federalist discovered a growing murmur surrounding one particular English major with an unconventional approach to ending their senior thesis.

“I was stuck,” the student explained. “The deadline was in two hours, and I realized my argument actually made no sense, so I decided to return to basics.” This unique approach opted for a structural collapse of the paper as a whole in an attempt to overshadow a lack of cohesive argument. “My teachers loved this ending when I used it 15 years ago, so I’m hoping my evaluators will also appreciate the ingenuity.”

The student showed The Federalist one of his past drafts, words practically illegible beneath a slew of red marks. “I initially chose ‘and it was all a dream,’ but my advisor didn’t think it was the best choice,” the student continued, pointing to his thesis concluding sentence, scribbled out with a note reading "don’t do this." “So I changed it to ‘and then I woke up.’ I’m really excited to see the notes I get back. I think I’m on to something!”

When gauging campus attitudes on the student’s ending sentence, Fed reporters frequently overheard phrases like “Wait, he was serious?” and “Is he allowed to graduate?”

At this time, the final acceptance status of the English major’s thesis is still unknown.

Graphic by Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist

Barnard Imposes 104 Percent Tariffs on Columbia Dining Swipes

By Federalist Staff woohoo interschool trade war

To stem what President Rosenbury describes as the “pillaging” of Barnard dining halls by “so-called affiliate” Columbia dining halls, Barnard has enacted a 104 percent tariff on dining swipes used

by Barnard students at Columbia dining halls. Beginning on April 2, all Barnard students must swipe twice (and a very small third time to signify the extra four May 2025

percent) to enter any Columbia dining hall. This practice hopes to deter Barnard students from “subsidizing foreign dining halls with their swipes” and will continue Barnard’s protectionist policy that began with the single-queue line for campus entry.

Columbia has announced reciprocity tariffs on Barnard swipes, meaning CoALMOST AS EXPENSIVE AS COLUMBIA

lumbia students can expect to spend upwards of three swipes to enter Barnard dining halls. President Shipman, quoting Barnard Alumni Ronald Reagan (BC ‘32), advocated for an end to this protectionist policy: “Student-athletes should be able to eat wherever they want without penalty for their intimidating size.”

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let's talk about the political & economic state of the world

Import Tariff? This Senior Just Performed a Stopgap Measure by Clearing Out JJ's Pick-4

By Ashley Rapp wants a little bag please

A newly released article by The Guardian alleged that tech giant Apple flew 600 tons of iPhones to the U.S. from India in an attempt to beat recently imposed import tariffs by Trump. In a similar fashion, Columbia’s JJ's Place has reported that graduating seniors have collectively taken upwards of 600 items from the “Pick-4” dining swipe options in anticipation of their expiring dining swipes and impending inability to afford groceries of their own.

Dining analysts have warned that post-grad snack purchasing would be

prohibitively expensive because of the actual monetary transaction and rising taxes. U.S. financial service analysts have said a nonJJ's purchase of four snacks would cost upwards of $28. Fed reporters interviewed an unnamed student at the scene who performed a monumental “Pick-16.” “If grads want a $7 Hot Cheeto or a $3 Instant Ramen packet, then they should buy them at Morton Williams or Westside. Otherwise, I’m keeping my future costs down.”

The impact on JJ’s investors is still unclear at this time.

New Free Summer Housing Option Opens: Butler Library!

By Reza Shayesteh stacks subletter

Which Post-Grad Fate Came First, Unhoused or Unemployed?

By Ashley Rapp amateur philosopher

For decades, the post-grad dilemma of no housing and no job has sent Columbia seniors back home to their suburban towns with a fancy degree and a lack of direction. While various circles of philosophers and students with BAs in Philosophy who expected themselves to be anomalous and able enough to avoid such a fate have pondered the mechanics of this system, no one has agreed on which problem to tackle first: the job or the apartment.

The dilemma routinely plays out as follows: the unemployed post-grad cannot live in the city, thus rendering themselves unhoused.

However, the unhoused graduate cannot eventually obtain a job in the city due to their lack of residency, therefore making a city job impossible and rendering them unemployed.

While the answer to this chicken-or-egg question has been a subject of centuries-long debate, one Columbia student believes they have found a solution: a rich parent on the board of a company who can secure the hypothetical grad both a job and a monthly allowance to pay for their housing while they “interview” amongst their nepo connections. Those graduates without such a parent must suffer, returning to both their high school service job and their childhood bedroom-now-turned-office.

For some members of the Columbia community, going home for the summer means time for rest and relaxation, prestigious internships, trips to Ibi(th)za, or spending time with old friends. But for those of us rural middle America DEIhires, going home means spending time with farm equipment, Republicans, and parents who are dubious about the hiring prospects in your esoteric liberal arts major.

So some of us elect to stay here in New York, the city that never sleeps!

Internships are competitive, though, and only freshmen can get away with being Andy Cohen’s live-in concubines, so some of us have to get creative!

There is a community of people who live in New York City’s subway system, whom the public has lovingly, dehumanizingly deemed “mole” people. A similar community exists during the summer:

people who live in Butler Library from June through August. Hundreds strong, these students have everything they need right in Butler!

With Blue Java on the first floor, food is not an issue at all! With so much free time, the Butler mole community has plenty of time to read up on Butler’s most insightful books. This experience is invaluable! Who needs Goldman Sachs? Butler’s extensive polyamorous archeology section is bound to hold the answers to a fruitful career!

Hygiene may be a fear for prospective Butler moles, but don’t worry! At least three wealthy summer pre-college students leave behind a small bottle of hand sanitizer to clean you right up! It’s a hot girl summer!

Don’t forget your bottle of dry shampoo that you’ve been using since your senior year of high school, and no one will be able to tell your vague stench from the general aroma of a sticky NYC summer!

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HAHA BUT SERIOUSLY HMU IF YOU'RE SUBLETTING

Volume XLII Issue 6

we've all been there

r/AITA: AITA for getting back at the roommate I’ve hated all year??

By u/millie_muncher666 • 9 days ago Graphic by Caitlynn Year/Staff Artist

ah sweet revenge

I (19F) go to the Orwell Ivy, and my roommate (18F) is straight from hell. It all started when we were DMing on Instagram. She’s from Brooklyn and like offered to show me around the city?? Like bitch I can read a map but thanks for treating me like a child. THEN she showed up the first day with like all the groceries we could want for the first month of school. Didn’t even ask my fucking opinion on the flavor of Doritos (the blue bag, which she did actually get, but how would she have known it was the right one when she got it??). And from there it’s just been constant. She always pesters me while I’m trying to do my work in the room: Did you want me to put anything of yours in the wash with my stuff? Oh, I took that class last semester; want my study guides? Would you maybe mind closing your window when it gets below thirty out? Look, the liberals are gonna come for me, but I’ve had to retaliate. I started with little things. Every time my hands got wet, I dried them with her face towel, obviously. Then, I let my mono-infested friend use her bed when she was out of town. And whenever she posted an ask me anything, I will admit that I was the one who berated her with questions about her saddle bag being fake (still haven’t gotten a clear answer on that one, btw). But now I’ve stepped it up to things she might actually notice. I pretty consistently pour the water from

her water bottle into mine so that I don’t have to walk all the way to the dispenser. And yeah, I’ve been siphoning off her perfume and replacing it with straight alcohol. But honestly, guys, am I really the asshole after all that she’s put me through?

Uris Meeting Rooms Converted to Sophomore Housing

By Bayan Shimizu 10/10 networker

In order to address the ever-growing student population, Columbia Housing recently announced a new initiative to increase housing supply without the pains of increased building costs. Starting in Fall 2025, the university will convert all the Uris group-meeting rooms into new housing units for two students each, adding a sizable 38 doubles to the housing pool.

The central room of the library will continue to be accessible to all students, allowing residents easy access to meeting spaces with classmates or for group assignments. For non-residents, the new dorms will allow students to realize that they shouldn’t be complaining about their privacy, since their dorm probably has solid walls.

May 2025

Columbia Housing reported excitement at the new project: “With this development, we come ever closer to fully resolving any issues around housing space. This will create a great living area for any students, or a horrifying punishment for any rising sophomores that we feel deserves it. As a small, indie university with no real budget, this is the best solution for all involved.”

Shortly after, Housing sent a follow-up to add, “By the way, student occupancy will be mandated for whichever freshmen the University Writing teachers find the most annoying in their class. Should’ve written a better P3, buddy.”

PRAYING FOR A SINGLE OFF THE HOUSING WAITLIST

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admin making the important decisions

Columbia Announces Plans to Resurrect Alexander Hamilton

By Kimberly Wing

still not #satisfied

Amid the breaking news that the Dire Wolf was resurrected by biotechnology after 10,000 years of extinction, Columbia University recently announced the Department of Genetics’s plans to resurrect their own long-dead pop culture icon Alexander Hamilton. Should this task be successfully completed, the institution’s funding cuts would be restored by the US government, per an agreement reached in early April. The government believes that successfully reviving a historical American figure would increase nationalistic pride during these tumultuous times.

One of Columbia’s most notable dropouts, Alexander Hamilton organized the country’s

first banking system and, centuries later, would become the star and inspiration of the Broadway musical Hamilton.

“We need that $400 million back, so we’re not throwing away our shot,” Gene Attell, lead scientist of the project, told the The Fed. “We’re excited for Mr. Hamilton’s return. In the twenty-first century, there’s a million things he hasn’t done—but just you wait.”

Ecstatic scientists, historians, and theater kids followed a Columbia laboratory truck as it retrieved Hamilton’s remains from his grave at Trinity Church. The project is highly confidential and limited information has been released to the

Fed-onomics: Recession Indicators on Columbia University’s Campus

By Reza Shayesteh

b+ in principles of econ

1) Saturday Nights at Amity Hall Remember the good old booming days when you could spring the $5.80 for the subway to and from Bushwick, the $15 cover, and two or three shots for your friends at the bar? Those days are over.

You’re pre-ing and walking down to 110th and Amsterdam to stand in a crowded room full of vague acquaintances from your discussion sections.

2) Ferris' powdered eggs go widespread Remember when you’d journey past Butler to get real eggs at John Jay instead of the shams at Ferris? Don't bother anymore. Powder is the norm. This is our life now.

3) Rich European International Students Caught Outfit Repeating Isn’t the same green Goyard bag paired with Chanel shoes and Cartier Bracelet as last week? That’s what I thought, Aurélie. The tariffs are affecting all of us. Solidarity matters now more than ever.

4) JJ's for drunk food Hooda is $10. Don’t even get us started on the prices at Los Tacos No.1. All you can spare is a meal swipe. Be sure to steal some ice cream sandwiches that are sure to melt in your fridge overnight!

5) Huji Cam Graduation Pics Who can spring the $120 the sophomore who has a shitty DSLR is asking for these days? Huji Cam pics of you straddling Alma in your blue gown will have to suffice.

6) Columbia Conforming to Facism Well, yes!

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public. However, many Hamil-fans have been reportedly camping outside of Mudd, eagerly waiting for the moment when the confused Founding Father stumbles out of his alma mater’s science lab.

Some fans, however, are calling for more historical figures represented in Hamilton to be resurrected, particularly American statesman John Laurens. When asked for comment, one excited fan said, “I need my #Lams agenda to finally be canon.”

Other fans want Thomas Jefferson to be resurrected next, expressing their desire to give him a hand-sewn Miku binder.

Dismantling Columbia Stereotypes: I’m Really Bad at Econ, Actually

By Olivia Ruble real Columbia-stereotype-dismantlers are good at football

In my final days as a Columbia student, I have been reflecting on the skills this institution has left me with. For starters, I learned how to read and write. I didn’t know how to do that before, which surprises a lot of people, especially given the way I tore up Dostoevsky. Thankfully, it turned out no one else in my Lit Hum knew how to read, so my professor did some serious heavy lifting that semester. Thanks, queen!

I also learned how to ride the subway with no hands, like a real New Yawker, as they say. Like, I am practically levitating. I am really good at this, except when the train starts and stops (and that’s when I tend to fall onto a seated mother and child or elderly person or otherwise unsuspecting patron of the MTA).

But, looking back, I realize that I missed out on one classic Columbia experience. I don’t mean the one you are thinking of, but if you are thinking of what I am thinking of, then please let me know. My days here are numbered, and I don’t know if alumni get Library access anymore. And, anyways, that would be embarrassing at that point.

Back to reflecting. As I tally up my collegiate wins and learning moments, I realize I failed to meet one iconic Columbia stereotype. I never rose to the challenge. I never took Principles of Economics. And, actually, if I’m being honest, I’m really bad at economics. Like shockingly so.

At first, I thought it was just my asshole capitalistic piggie highschool Econ teacher who hated the fact that I got free lunch. So, I shopped Principles for, like, three days.

But deep down, I knew. I’m not cut out for this world. Numbers make me nervous.

Like, there is no way any investment banking firm or really any institution that involves money or standing desks would want me. Like, no way. Sorry, mom and dad!

But, to be fair, I did get a degree in Ancient Studies (what?) and dedicated the rest of my free time to finishing up a Visual Arts Minor. So yeah, you could say I really made the most of my Columbia experience—gnawed on the bones, sucked the marrow out, made a broth. And if you’re lucky, I mean, really lucky, you might just do the same. Godspeed.

ALEXANDER HAMILTON... MY NAME IS ALEXANDER HAMILTON...

Volume XLII Issue 6

SHOCKER!

New Report Finds That This Will Only Get Worse

By Federalist Staff staff optimist

A series of reports from all corners of Columbia University have confirmed that things will only continue to get worse.

Working in collaboration, several graduate programs within the University have released findings from a year-long study that definitively proves that Columbia will continue to alienate its allies, donors, and administrators, all while jeopardizing the health and safety of its students for no conceivable benefit.

“While it may seem impossible, with these findings, we can confidently forecast that each month at Columbia will be worse than the last, making it more difficult for students, faculty, and staff,” reported members of the

Columbia School of International and Public Affairs, the Columbia Law School, and the Columbia Business School. “We speak with a unified voice when we say, it will not get better.”

Citing a guarantee of more retaliatory action from a hostile federal government, an increased presence of Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) on campus, revised policies that infringe on students’ constitutionally protected rights, and an extended lockdown that would leave Columbia isolated from the Morningside Community, top sources found that there is no reason to expect the University to correct from any of the self-destructive

behaviors that had brought it to this point.

A letter from the Graduate School of Arts and Sciences signed by all tenured faculty emphasized that their “data confirms that Columbia will continue to make choices that baffle its own community, other top universities, and experts both inside and outside academia.”

“Despite other schools attempting to stand up for their principles, we can now confirm that Columbia will continue to try to cut deals with a temperamental presidential administration that displays nothing but disdain to our institution,” confirmed Claire Shipman, Columbia’s newest president. “We have no plans to change.”

Columbia Speaks Out In Support of Chappell Roan, 'Stars Shouldn’t Have To Engage With Political Issues' and Neither Should Universities' Graphic by Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist

By Gabrielle Linder just vote

Columbia University recently voiced their support for Chappell Roan after she faced controversy in the wake of her recent Call Her Daddy interview. The university spokesperson stated that they too believe stars should not have to engage with and speak out on political issues, and universities—particularly the Ivy League as the “stars of academia”—should also be exempt from such burdens as political consciousness. The university spokesperson made no comment regarding Chappell Roan’s previous political statements on LGBTQ+ rights, Palestine, and labor exploitation, all issues Columbia has had overwhelmingly positive press around. They said any further questions would be asking “undue emotional labor” from them, and they simply “do not make the salary to deal with that.”

May 2025

GOOD MF LUCK, BABE!

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new roomie?

I Lived It: Incoming Freshmen Without the ‘29 in Their Bios Successfully Duped Me Into Following Them Back

By Reza Shayesteh

ready to listen and learn

It all started so innocently. An account requested to follow me. The bio was so simple—; an elegant, quaint “@columbia”.

“Oh that’s crazy,” I thought to myself. “That’s where I go to school too!”

A Spotify link. “No way! I love the Smiths too! I wonder if they’re a deep-thinker philosophy major like me. I think I recognize them from my marxism class?”

“30 mutual followers? No way, Suzie knows them?

They seem so cool.”

I accepted the request. I requested to follow back.

A few days passed.

Then, I started to see prom photos on my feed.

“That’s weird. I don’t remember this person from high school.” I thought nothing of it.

Then graduation photos. “Wait, that isn’t my high school!”

I checked the Instagram account. It was the same one I had followed earlier.

Then it hit like a ton of bricks. Senior assassin videos. Senior sunrise pics. 6th year anniversary with

Columbia University Announces New Master's In Negotiation at Freshly-Minted Neville Chamberlain School of Appeasement

By Fenway Donegan and Donald Donegan Jr. wait, is that the harry potter guy?

Writing that the new program would help ensure “peace in our time,” President Shafik Armstrong Shipman touted the new announcement as a fresh direction for Columbia. Citing recent pressure from the Trump administration, the president’s office explained that the new school would mint the next generation of leaders. The recently-released class list for the School of Appeasement includes offerings like “Prioritizing Your Values: How to Get Ahead and Stay Ahead,” “At The Negotiation Table: How to Give It All and Get What You Want,” and “How to Formulate Plan C when You’re Walking Away From Plan B.” Officials within the president's office indicated they were pleased with the class line-up, but were willing to offer more classes if students asked forcefully enough.

According to unnamed sources, the Neville Chamberlain School of Appeasement—set to open on the business campus school in 2025—is expected to target a wide variety of students in an attempt to offset some of the University’s recent financial hardships. A high-ranking Columbia administrator, who asked to remain anonymous due to a previous “group chat fiasco,” stated that, “Sure, losing all of our NIH grants was difficult, but once we get a graduating class or two, our university will finally have some leaders we can turn to for advice.”

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their ugly boyfriend. They’re playing the lead in their senior musical??

Am I going to be on Dateline? Is John Quiñones about to pop out with cameras? I’m going to be cancelled. I’m an enabler. I feel like Leonardo DiCaprio.

Obviously, I. who has almost completed my entire freshman year, can’t relate to any of that! I’m just too emotionally complex and mature; Lit Hum changed my ways of thinking. I hit the unfollow button. I take to my notes app for accountability for my disgusting actions.

Am I Crazy, or Do I Have the Freakiest Position on This Paper?

By Ashley Rapp Head Sub Editor

Head: wtf y'all. I don't even have to explain this one.

Sub: Okay...yeah, sure I'm the "sub"...right.

Editor: eh-tit-ohr...TIT? I know y'all heard that too!!!!

Outlined freaky tasks: I have a team BELOW me that does anything I ask them to do. I SHARE my POSITION with another person (#groupie #poly). I report to higher up “doms” called my “chiefs” (#roleplay).

WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT

Volume XLII Issue 6

bacon bacon bacon

Ferris Booth Commons Vegan Chorizo, a Love Poem From a Struggling Vegetarian

Adulterous Father Sweats Bullets as Easter Egg Hunt Spreads to His Car

By Ashley Rapp & Oliver Green

By Federalist Staff choriz-hoe

A’walkin round in Lerner, Looking for a treat.

Thought: well im close to Ferris, But all they ever have is meat!

Chicken, bacon, sausage, pepperoni on their pies, Ferris Booth Commons is hard to see with my strictly plant based eyes.

But alas it’s seven, An’ I’ve a meeting at eight, So in Lerner I must dine.

I swipe my card and prepare for the fate Of a meal that's truly…fine.

hiding more than chocolates in here

“Hey little bud! Let’s move away from there haha… no eggs in the car, buddy! Here, let’s play hot-and-cold – you’re freezing cold! Let’s go back to Mommy, maybe there are some more eggs over there haha… *key lock sound* whoopsies! Accidentally hit the lock button hahaha, oh well, I guess the car is off limits today! Okay buddy, no, don’t look through the windows, champ.

This isn’t a part of the hunt, let’s go back to the yard! Hey hey hey, c’mon there’s no candy in Daddy’s keys…Wait, no! I mean, the Easter Bunny says to give Daddy his keys back, okay? NO! Don’t bring them to Mommy, that’s not what the bunny said. We gotta listen to the bunny, right bud? He’s going to be really upset with you… he’s going to take all of your chocolate eggs away if you don’t give Daddy his keys back RIGHT NOW! Thank you. The Easter Bunny says not to tell your mommy about this one, alright little guy?”

My eyes scan the hot dining trays, seeing animal too and fro, I shake my head, filled with dread, to the Action Station I must go.

I shuffle up, as an unexpectedly succulent scent I sniff, My salvation reads up on the screen: VEGAN CHORIZO.

Graphic by Caitlynn Year/Staff Artist

Oh joy, oh wondrous day this is, a shiver down my spine, You are so underappreciated my love, but at least there ain’t no line.

I say with glee, “Chorizo Please, and every single side” Sour Cream, and beans, and chips galore, my chest bursts with pride.

Seasoned just so, you should always know, you’re the best thing on my spoon.

I love you, Vegan Chorizo, won’t you please come again soon.

May 2025

WHY DOES IT KEEP GETTING WORSEEEE

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for the gworls

Hollywood to Change Tonys, Oscars, and Grammys to “Girl Names”

By Julia Ryan thanking the academy

Responding to viewer concerns over male-dominant representation in the entertainment industry, the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences, Recording Academy, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, and American Theatre Wing have introduced a new initiative to diversify the award experience: renaming their awards with “girl names.”

“For too long have the names of men overshadowed the work of women in this industry,” stated a spokesperson. “Now, we want to make the names of women heard!

Graphic by Isabella Palit/Staff Artist

Specifically, the names Taylor, Ophelia, and Gracie.”

When asked whether these changes would be accompanied by meaningful work to reduce the gender disparity during awards and address the challenges faced by women and gender-nonconforming individuals in the entertainment industry, the spokesperson added, “We are going to make the Emmys nonbinary,” and panned the camera to Tom Cruise doing pirouettes on an active electric cable.

ACCOUNT ALERT: If You Don’t Complete Your Anti-Sexual Harassment Module, We Will Come After Your Family.

By Beau Gantz the enforcer

Alright, clearly you haven’t been taking us seriously. We told you to complete the training. We told you it was New York state law. We told you that if you didn’t do it, we’d have to block access to your account. You still wouldn’t listen. You forced our hand here, kid. I’ll give it to you straight: If you don’t hold up your end of the bargain, some real tragic shit could happen to that lovely family of yours.

And let me be clear—I sure do hope it doesn’t come to that. I hope you use that big Ivy League brain of yours and just do the damn modules. I hope you sit down for a half hour and pretend to watch the videos, and I hope you look at the little “What would you do?” quiz for a half second be-

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fore clicking the only option that isn’t a felony. It’s not hard, but it sure seems like you have a lotta trouble getting it done, huh? I hope you find some time…for your poor mother’s sake.

I don’t like being the bad guy, alright? I’d love to have a friendly chat with you, maybe even meet your old parents under…better circumstances.

But that’s not an option any more, is it? Because you think you can just click us away? That’s disrespectful, kid. And it’s a pretty ballsy move from someone whose voting records and corresponding addresses are so publicly accessible, don’t you think? By the way, that’s a lovely house you got back home. Big white one, right? Probably a lotta memories in there. Sure would be a shame…

OMG THAT WORKED???

Are you anti-anti-sexual harassment? Is that the kinda person you are? Is that the kinda person your mother raised? Are your sisters and brothers sexual harassment supporters too? I can’t imagine that, pal. They’re all probably real good people, huh? I’d hate to see them dragged into all of this.

Do the right thing here, kid. Do your modules, and you’ll never see me on your login page again.

Wouldn’t that be nice? Going straight from your Duo push to Courseworks, knowing that everyone back home is safe and sound? You could have that, buddy. You just gotta be smart here. Do the Anti-Sexual Harassment modules. For your family’s sake.

Volume XLII Issue 6

the free subscription was clutch ngl

Op-Ed: Why I Decided to Let ChatGPT Write My Final Fed Article

By Ashley Rapp

special thanks to Sam Altman

After 3 years of dedicated, sub-par authorship on The Columbia Federalist, I pondered how I wanted to close out my legacy of (debatable) creative and comedic writing. Then, I got really busy and figured I’d finally try out this AI thing.

First of all, AI can crank out joke drafts, punchlines, sketch setups, parody lyrics, or entire satirical articles in seconds.

It’s a huge win for beating deadlines—or

just looking extremely productive while actually watching cat videos. Moreover, if I want to write like The Onion, John Mulaney, Key & Peele, or even a Victorianera poet trying stand-up, AI can quickly adopt styles and tones to match—or parody—them, giving you a shortcut to genre-blending comedy.

In my extensive research, which consisted of one ChatGPT search, I learned that satire thrives on unexpected

angles and sharp takes. Furthermore, I can bounce ideas off ChatGPT endlessly without worrying about judgment, intellectual property theft, or being ghosted halfway through.

And so, ChatGPT is my ideal comedy assistant, matching my tone and helping sharpen punchlines or beefing up irony without watering it down.

New Executive Orders We’d Like To See From President Trump

Graphic by Isabella Palit/Staff Artist

By Oliver Green

give the american people what they want

President Trump signed an executive order earlier this month which proclaimed the water pressure of shower heads to be “too damn soft,” something which he demands must change. While we at The Fed had no idea that the Constitution gives the president the power to change randomass everyday stuff like this, we figured we’d compile a list of ten similar executive orders we’d like to see implemented by the president.

1. Toasters must toast both sides of the bread equally 2. The traffic light timer at 110th and Broadway must be shortened 3. Budget-friendly blenders must not need to be manually shaken to keep blending May 2025

4. Shoelaces must not come untied once tied (this is especially important) 5. Microwaves must heat food to a consistent temperature all the way through 6. Clothes dryers must clean the lint filter themselves 7. Both sides of the pillow must be kept at a comfortable sleeping temperature 8. Tying a tie must never result in it being too short and needing to be retied 9. Bluetooth speakers must instantly disconnect from past devices when trying to connect a new device 10. Doorknobs must not give static electric shocks COMPLAINING ALWAYS WORKS, FOLKS

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12

Volume XLII Issue 6

Graphic by Dani Rivera/Arts Editor

May 2025

13

what are they compensating for

Columbia Agrees to Whatever Will Make This Go Away

By Fenway Donegan

a sensible strategy?

Insider sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, have confirmed that

steps, nothing is off the table; from removing Acting President Claire Shipman,

Columbia University has agreed with the federal government to do whatever

axing the Core Curriculum to adding Trump Steaks to every dining hall, they

it takes to make this stop. While top universities were stunned when Columbia

are open to anything. These administrators further confirmed that Columbia

University voluntarily agreed to enter a consent decree, which would dramatically

had already begun purchasing a bouquet from Westside Market and writing a

increase federal oversight of an already beleaguered university, The Federalist

personalized apology letter to Linda McMahon in the hopes that maybe it would

can confirm this is only the beginning of a series of steps that Columbia will take

work.

“We know that many will see this as capitulating, but whatever these

in order to remove itself from The New York Times headlines.

The Federalist reviewed a document with a list of potential actions that

future changes are, they were probably long discussed or already in motion,”

Columbia may take and can confirm that “say yes to whatever is in the letter”

reported Provost Angela V. Olinto when asked about potential alterations in the

was highlighted, while “keep student’s information private” had been crossed out

university’s policy. “The university hopes to center our discussion around how

and had a hand-drawn frowny face next to it. Senior administrators at Columbia

much we want to stop being the center of discussion."

University familiar with this document confirmed that, when it comes to next

Trump Insecure About Jawline, Purchases Gua Sha

By Livy Molko

buy one for $1.82

Graphic by Dani Rivera/Arts Editor We all have our insecurities. Believe it or not, even the President of the United States does. Reportedly, Temu delivery driver Kyle Scott delivered a large shipment of jade green gua sha and pink marble face rollers to the White House last Tuesday. Trump asked that they be delivered directly to his ensuite bathroom, as to not reveal his insecurity to any staff members of the White House. Scott, who has been employed at Temu for a dedicated four months, entered the White House through a secret trapdoor on the East Wing. He meekly approached the golden hallway to the bathroom, which reportedly was adorned with multiple oil paintings of Trump wearing the skin of a different animal in each one. Scott placed the box on the leather bidet toilet cover. While attempting to tiptoe away, a velvet-robed Trump emerged from behind the satin shower curtain and approached Scott. Trump grabbed Scott’s wrist and allegedly begged Scott to teach him to use a gua sha. Trump confessed to Scott that he had been suffering from insecurity surrounding the strength of his jawline after seeing a presumably AI-generated image of JD Vance with a rock hard chin and commanding silhouette. Trump told Scott that it was his influencer or a traditional East Asian medicine practitioner, Trump called patriotic duty to mentor him in the intimate art of the gua sha. After security to remove him immediately. El Salvador will be Scott’s new place Scott feebly explained that he was just the delivery driver and not a beauty of residence for the foreseeable future.

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CUNTY OR COQUETTE????

Volume XLII Issue 6

For the Culture™

Mussolini Sues Trump for Plagiarism; “Fascism was-a my idea!”

Ask Alma: Frugal Flex Fella or Flush Fool?

By Sophia Mariano

By Olivia Ruble

IMPASTA! only in this economy

Dear Alma, I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for a while now. Normally, we eat in the dining halls (we LOVE the Ferris pasta bar) or cook in his suite’s private kitchen (shoutout to his suitemate for cleaning up our mess last week). We always joke that we fell in love at JJ’s over a few boneless wings.

For our big anniversary, we decided to splurge and get dinner at Le Monde. I thought it was kind of sexy, us all dressed up and out on the town at a ritzy spot like that. He told me to treat myself, so I ordered the

Australian Lamb Chops. But then, at the end of the meal, he pulled out his student ID and paid for everything with Flex.

In that moment, it was honestly a major turn off. Like, have some class, man. Pay with your dad’s credit card, or something. But now I’m wondering if I was too quick to judge. Is it kind of hot that my boyfriend has hella Flex?

Sincerely, Feisty Fiscophile

Dear Feisty Fiscophile, You remind me of myself at your age, Feisty Fiscophile: young, in love, and momentarily seduced by the illusion of capital as romance.

Let’s break it down.

First: I get it. You were feeling the Le Monde fantasy: physical menus, real candlelight, your professor seated two tables away from you. In that setting, watching your boyfriend slice through the Parisian ambiance and slide a student ID across the table like it's an Amex can feel… well, a little proletarian.

But also? Your boyfriend just pulled off a fancy dinner without dipping into real cash. That’s not cheap—that’s strategic. And in this economy? Kudos to him! Financial

May 2025

savviness is sexy. Flex is fake money anyway; why not funnel it into foie gras and shared joy? The man’s basically a romantic socialist.

The real question isn’t about Flex.

It’s about what that move meant to you. Did it feel like he wasn’t honoring the occasion? Or did it just disrupt your fantasy of bourgeois courtship? Because if it’s the latter, then maybe it’s time to dust off Capital and reconsider what you expect from “romance,” comrade. He’s a frugal Flex king, feasting on the institution’s dime. That doesn’t make him a fool—unless he didn’t offer you dessert. ;)

In the latest international intellectual battle, Italian journalist Benito Mussolini has announced plans to sue President Donald Trump over the work of the latter’s presidency. Mussolini claims that Trump failed to properly cite his creation of fascist ideas and implementation of the ideology’s many aspects, like governmental consolidation, extreme economic isolation, and the complete control of the nation’s universities, in recent policy announcements.

“This-a Trump guy, he non give me credit per il fascismo,” Mussolini declared. “I want-a compensation!”

While a court date has not been set, Trump announced he will be represented by lawyer Rudy Giuliani and gossip-spiller Mike Waltz, both of whom notably lack law licenses.

“This is all hearsay, it never actually happened,” Waltz claims.

“There’s no proof.”

“Trump built all of this himself,” Giuliani adds. “And it’s fake news that any lousy European would ever dare to dictate with as much strength as President Trump.”

Mussolini’s prosecution contenders include Chef Boyardee, Italian PM Giorgia Meloni, and Cicero, although this will likely not be revealed until the trial begins and is immediately waived per Trump’s immunity.

Graphic by Stella Chiara Fusaro/Staff Artist

Yours in solidarity, Alma

BRRRRREAKING NEWS

15

i dont chase i attract

Read Your Palm to Find Out How Your Housing Group Will Inevitably Fall Apart!

By Dani Rivera & Dani Winkler

rip </3

If your head line is curved… you’re a progressive person. Certainly more progressive than your roommate, who is about to get rejected by his long-term class crush and enter the manosphere. In a matter of weeks, he’ll go from stalker to chauvinist. Don’t know much about Andrew Tate? We hate to break it to you, but you’re about to get real familiar. Our advice? Start learning Romanian so you know when he’s talking shit to his Reddit friends, and lawyer up!

If your heart line starts at your middle finger… two of your roommates are going to start dating before mid-summer, and will break up approximately two weeks before finals season begins in the fall. They’ll have lived in adjoining rooms, but that won’t stop you from hearing them scream at each other through their shared wall as they work out their irreconcilable differences. Don’t worry, though—they’ll also fight in the common space.

Specifically, they’ll rehash their breakup every time you go to make a quesadilla at two in the morning to culminate your cramming sesh. What a treat!

If your fate line is well-defined… your entire suite has approximately two months until the worst imaginable beef between you guys is formed.

Your best friend will sleep with your ex, the suitemate you share a wall with will get into primal screaming therapy, and your other friend will never wash a single dish! It will be shattering and detrimental to your friend group. You really thought that living with friends would be fun, huh? Get ready for the most uncomfortable and silent moments of your life to take place in your 3x7 ft kitchen. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll still be friends with the person in your double. But if your heart line starts at your middle finger AND your fate line is very strong and clear…..start looking for a room swap NOW (your roommate could develop some highly contagious ringworm and spread that shit to you)!!!

If your sun line runs parallel to your fate line… you’re about to become a victim of circumstances beyond your control. Maybe a last minute construction project will cause ear-shattering noise to ring through your suite every day for the entire year, causing your group to slowly lose their

Graphic by Dani Rivera/Arts Editor

minds until you all profess your deep-seated hatred of one another. Maybe one of your suitemates will forget to do their dishes but blame the mess on you, and everyone else will believe it, causing you to be iced out by your friend group for the remainder of the semester. It really could be anything, but it’s definitely not looking good. At least, not for you. Good luck!

If your life line extends to your wrist. your new upstairs neighbor is about to get really into a new hobby. You’re about to get woken up by “Creep”

by Radiohead EVERY. FUCKING. MORNING.they only know how to play the same 30 seconds of the chorus, of course. If you’re on an odd number floor, your upstairs neighbor is going to be feeling very connected to the floor. Either through tap dancing, or maybe intense, grunt-filled workout routines that all feel extremely close to your ceiling. You’re about to learn so much about someone you don’t know, which will trigger a journey of selfreflection.

BREAKING: Girl From Indiana Announces She Is Never Leaving New York

By Olivia Ruble traded corn for the big apple

In an unsurprising and highly precedented move, I am officially announcing that I will not be moving back to Indiana after graduation. I know this may come as a surprise to literally no one, especially those who have visited Indiana. But, seeing as though there are so few, it seems that everyone else already figured out that Indiana isn’t really the place to be.

My reasons for staying in New York are layered and emotionally complex.

But, if I were to distill them into a single breath, I suppose I’d say: it’s because it’s Indiana.

I’m heartbroken to leave behind the luxuries of home: affordable housing,

16

most of my friends, and my entire bloodline. But I’m thrilled to gain things like a bunch of independent movie theaters, super expensive cigarettes, and a deli guy who calls me “boss.” Indeed, a dream has been realized.

I know I’ll miss the simple joys of Indiana, like weddings in barns, silence, and buildings without urine in the stairwells, but I am ready to embrace my new life. Thank you, Indiana. You raised me. You made me strong. But you also gave me fourteen different cousins named Brayden. And for that, I must go.

LET THAT BOOTY HANG OUT

Volume XLII Issue 6

AO3 front page

Trump to Halt Attacks on Columbia University Sells Cinco de Mayo following You to One Direction Meeting with President Sheinbaum

By Kimberly Wing

their tongues battled for dominance...

By Federalist Staff is cinco de mayo(nnaise) an instrument?

WASHINGTON, DC—President Trump appeared to walk back his comments from last week, affirming his commitment to the continuance of Cinco de Mayo celebrations in the United States amidst tariff negotiations with Mexico. After changing the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America earlier this year, news outlets had been speculating that the President might continue his assault on the Latin American country with similar executive orders. The President leaned into these rumors last week, floating potential threats such as changing the name of “Cinco de Mayo” to “May 5th.”

Insider sources reported that soon after these comments, President Claudia Sheinbaum Pardo of Mexico called an emergency meeting with Trump, resulting in the two meeting over Zoom just hours later. As National Security Advisor Mike Walsh forgot to encrypt the meeting code, add a password, or even create a waiting room, The Fed obtained exclusive audio of the two leaders in conversation. The first few minutes of the Zoom consisted of confused questioning by Trump for Sheinbaum as to why her Zoom video wasn’t “yellow like in the movies.” This was followed by a brief discussion of the repeated breakouts of E. Coli in lettuce at Chipotle, which Sheinbaum asserted had absolutely “nothing to do with Mexico or its people.” President Sheinbaum shut down ideas from President Trump, such as renaming margaritas to “Melania-ritas,” or changing the base of the well-known Mexican cocktail to whiskey to reduce America’s reliance on imported tequila.

Shortly after the pair’s meeting, President Trump appeared in front of reporters in a press briefing to walk back his previous statements. “I have no issues with Cinco de Mayo, despite what the liberal media says,” he said. “It is a well-known fact that I’ve done more for the country of Mexico than any other president in the history of the United States. I love Mexico. I love their salsa, I eat it all the time, I even eat the ones with two chili pepper symbols next to them…maybe three if I’m feeling a little loco. Mexico loves me too. They love me, almost as much as they loved James Polk.” The President affirmed that nationwide celebrations of Cinco de Mayo would continue as planned. “This will be the greatest Cinco de Mayo—the most American Cinco de Mayo—in history.”

May 2025

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! At 8 AM, you wake up in your cramped Carman Hall dorm and pull your hair into a messy bun. You slip on an oversized hoodie, ripped jeans, and Converse. As you’re leaving for class, Roar-ee and Alma Mater are waiting in the lobby, staring at you with solemn expressions. You glance up from the book you’re reading.

“Alma Mater from the Low Steps and Roar-ee the Lion?! What’s going on?” You ask in confusion.

“Listen up, Y/N!” Alma Mater draws on her cigarette. “The government is canceling $400 million in federal funds to Columbia, and we need money fast! Roar-ee and I sold you so we could get some cash back!”

“What?!” You cry. “You can’t do that!”

“Go upstairs and pack your bags, your new owners are gonna be here any minute now!” Roar-ee roars at you.

Tears stream down your face as you return to your dorm and pack your college memories in a single Jansport backpack. Out of all the students, why did it have to be you who got sold? All you wanted to do was read books and discuss The Odyssey in Lit Hum, because you actually like reading—you’re not like other Columbia students.

As you sniffle and trudge down the stairs, you reluctantly force yourself to accept your fate. However, you look up to see Alma Mater and Roar-ee... standing with the band One Direction?!?! You glare at all of the band members in disgust.

“No way! Aren’t you guys that stupid British band?!”

“Oi luv, what’s all this then?” Zayn, the one with chocolate brown orbs, scoffs.

It suddenly clicks in your head: Columbia was founded by the British, so now the university was relying on their support by selling you to them!

“Thanks for taking Y/N off oaur hands, boys.” Roar-ee said with a malicious grin.

“Shut up! I hate both of you! I hate One Direction!” You sob.

“Lit-rally madness luv,” The one with brown hair, whom you recognize as Harry Styles, rolls his eyes. “Everyone in the bloody world loves us.”

“Well I’m not like the others! I hate all of you!”

Before you can protest further, Alma Mater knocks you unconscious with her bronze scepter.

LOVED EVERY SECOND!

17

Slither.io Makes Statement on Columbia Administration

By Dani Rivera

the snakes went woke?

After weeks of PR chaos, Slither.io has finally come forward regarding the resurgence of some controversial tweets made by Columbia University’s Acting President, Claire Shipman.

In these tweets (The Fed refuses to call it by its new name), Shipman desperately begged for someone to play Slither.io with her over the span of two months in 2016.

Given that these tweets took place nearly 10 years ago, Slither. io was hesitant to address them.

“We thought everyone playing our game was under the age of 12,” a spokesperson told the Fed. “The Twitter button on our website was

just a part of the web server we were paying for...we never thought it would lead to such controversies.”

Slither.io made it clear that the company does not agree with the actions of the current administration of Columbia University. In a press release they stated: “Slither.io teaches us a lesson about greed. You consume and you become more and more powerful and eventually, it all goes away.

Power is temporary. Your greed is redistributed. The same will happen to the Columbia administration.

Their greed will only get them so far. We stand with the youth.”

Graphic by Isabella Palit/Staff Artist

Encirclement Tactic Wins Again

Odes to All My Campus Missed Connections

By Izzy Szyfer

not to be confused with your losing NYT Connections streak

The rumors are true: I’m graduating. Byeeeee!! But before I go, honor and duty compel me to use my lofty platform at the Columbia Federalist to pen odes to my campus missed connections.

O, Dean, Jamel, and Kwame of Ferris, Dear shepherds of the morning-time omelette, How I longed to be part of your banter.

I don’t know much about sports or dining hall drama, but to share a smile with you, sets my eyes and hearts scrambling with joy.

Once, I asked you for four eggs, rife with the Boldness of youth. They looked at me and asked If I was an athlete. No, I said, but I lift weights. What weights, five pounds? They asked me.

Sometimes, I said. Now, may I have spinach, broccoli, ham, and turkey, please?

Omelette. Thanks.

I will forever and always watch my eggs while I am standing on the line.

To the corgis of Columbia, Come out and play!

Let me see you all, Strutting across College Walk and Broadway.

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DOWNLOAD SLITHER.IO

Once, I saw seven corgis in a day.

That was a good day.

To the Wafels and Dinges truck, You confuse me so.

How can I see the calendar at which you throw darts To decide when you’ll arrive?

How can I ensure I walk by your wafel-ly scent And joyfully fluttering Belgian flag At my heart’s desire?

Come back, come back, sweet love, Let me feast my eyes upon the WMD (Wafel of Mass Deliciousness) At my heart’s content.

To that one security guard who has celebrated Ash Wednesday while on the job every year, You fascinate me. Don’t think I can’t recognize you Without your little ashen cross – I can.

Every year, I forget Ash Wednesday.

Why would I remember? I’m Jewish.

But you, you always remind me.

We’ve never spoken, but I’d love to hear your ashy thoughts.

I want to know what you gave up for Lent.

I want to know what it means to repent.

Most importantly. I want to know what you thought of Conclave.

Volume XLII Issue 6

I HEART NYC

Coastal Elite Win! Girl is Never Leaving New York

By Izzy Szyfer

nyc wants me but scottsdale, arizona NEEDS me

Sorry, Middle America. I can’t do this anymore. I need to be where culture is, or whatever Lady Bird said in Lady Bird. That’s an A24 film, by the way. Do you know A24? They did Marcel the Shell with Shoes On. Also, I call them films now. Movies are so pedestrian.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that despite happily spending the first eighteen years of my life in a state with no coastline, these past nine months in New York have changed me. I’m different now. For starters, my blood is 43 percent dirty martini, 10 percent cream cheese, and the rest is normal blood stuff, I guess. Yeah, the doctor is really worried. But that’s what it means to live in New York.

Everyone has a story to tell, and mine is bagel blood. Life outside the island (aka Manhattan, obvi) is so slow. Everything is so slowwww.

New York is different. Nowhere else could I wait 40 minutes in the freezing cold for a weird food popup or to get into a club. And the life here is just so much more diverse than back home. When I get my $7 iced oat milk latte, I see people holding designer bags of all shapes and colors—you can’t get that range of diversity anywhere else! What can I say? New York changes you.

Even within New York, I’m a coastal elite—my dorm room looks over the water! I mean, sure, it’s the water spewing from a broken fire hydrant, but who am I to

CONGRATULATIONS AND CONDOLENCES: This Woman Has Post-Grad Plans!

Unfortunately, It’s Grad School

By Gabrielle Linder no one ever asks about your pre-grad plans </3

At least one graduate in the Class of 2025 can sleep easy, knowing what the future holds after she graduates. Unfortunately for her, the future holds years of meticulous research into a niche subject no one cares about, and the requirement to write a book no one will ever read— probably not even the thesis committee. Despite complaining about similar requirements as an undergraduate, she decided to commit to even more time in academia, one step deeper entrenched in its tedious minutia. She says she’s looking forward to the work-life balance—which she won’t achieve for another seven to nine years minimum. Is it about her alleged passion for enrichment, to cultivate her knowledge? Or is it just putting off adulthood? We may never know, but one thing is for certain: it’s certainly not the pay.

May 2025

Graphic by Dani Rivera

criticize Mother Nature? I’ve lived in New York for my whole freshman year. I guess this means, yeah, I am better than you. And I’m never leaving.

Except until my finals end and my parents pick me up and I go back omg pls no don’t do it pls I can’t take this I forgot how to driiiiiiiiive!!

The Fed’s Guide to Mother’s Day Apostrophes

By Oliver Green we got your back here!

It’s almost time for the most nerve-racking part of a certain spring holiday dedicated to mothers: figuring out where to put that damn apostrophe in your loving message! Luckily for you, The Fed has compiled a list of several now-acceptable ways to punctuate the holiday.

• Mother’s Day • Mothers Day • Mothers’ Day • Mothers Day’ • M’others D’ay • Moth’er’s Day • Mot’her’s Da’y • M’o’t’h’e’r’s D’a’y • Mothers ‘Day • ‘Mothers’ Day (she’ll love this one!)

SHOUT OUT TO MY MAMA

19

Shipman Presidency a Groundbreaking Step Forward for Trustee Representation

more at 11

By Beau Gantz LGBTrustees

The role of acting president is the highest acting position at Columbia and an essential part of our university ecosystem. But for too long it’s been reserved for only the most privileged and elite individuals, completely neglecting portions of our community that deserve representation. In recent years, however, the heroic administration has taken steps to break down the walls to the acting Presidency. The fondly-remembered Baroness Minouche Shafik was the first woman to become University President in 2023, and shortly after, the universally-popular Dr. Katrina Armstrong became the first woman to be interim university president.

As of recently, yet another glass ceiling was shattered: not only did Claire Shipman become the first woman to serve as “acting” president (which is distinct from “interim” president in the sense that it is a different word), but she also represents another long-neglected community: the Board of Trustees.

The Board of Trustees gets a bad rap, but I think we can all agree that when you really look at them, they’re a pretty fun group of rich people re-

sponsible for all the decisions about campus life that we all love so much.

Following their winning streak of a series of brilliant “overall governance” moves, the Board of Trustees decided to treat themselves when selecting Armstrong’s replacement by going with one of their own. Hell yeah, guys!

You deserve it!

By representing the Board of Trustees, Shipman will be representing the interests of the entire Columbia community—not just the students or the faculty or the surrounding neighborhood. In fact, their opinions will barely factor into her decisions at all!

Not only is it a huge step for trustees of today, but it sets the precedent for all the young trustees out there who can finally see themselves represented in a prestigious acting leadership role. Shipman’s appointment isn’t just for us (again, not at all), but for the next generation of trustees who dream of becoming acting presidents someday. Best of luck, Acting President Shipman! Make the trustees proud!

Dom Seeking Sub: Dominican Friar Desires Chef Mike's Sub Sandwich

Graphic by Ava Lyon-Sereno

By Brother Thomas of the Order of Preachers

10 Hail Marys for a hoagie

Peace be upon you, brothers and sisters. I write today not as a holy man, but as a humble vessel tormented by temptation. It began, as most sins do, with a scent on the wind—like manna from heaven, but with savory undertones.

Though I have vowed obedientia, paupertas, and castitas unto our Lord, I now find myself beset by a most carnal longing for a Chef Mike’s Sub Sandwich with extra spicy mayo. I have fasted, I have prayed, I have slapped mine own wrist with a ruler (gently, for I am but flesh). Yet, still the craving persists.

I beseech thee, guide my path as my guardian angel might, and deliver me not from temptation, but unto the sanctified doors of Chef Mike’s Sub Shop. Amen.

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HOPPY EASTER!

Volume XLII Issue 6

Official Business

What I Would Do For an Internship

By Valerie Yum & Sophia Brown what wouldn’t we do...

1. Send a risky text to my situationship (wait, can I even call it that yet?): deemed one of the scariest things to do as a college student, I’d risk losing this romantic-esque relationship for a padded resume.

2. Lick a sticky John Jay table: regardless of whether it’s sticky from spit, gum, or some other freaky substance, I would brave the loss of aura and the flu to get an internship.

3. Get pantsed in the security line at 10:10 AM: this spot has the highest foot traffic of all of Columbia. Only the most deserving applicants would voluntarily get pantsed at the 116th gates. (Do I get extra funding if I make direct eye contact with a security guard during the act?)

4. Get pantsed on the sundial: instead of being the serenader, the serenadee, or the soon-to-be graduate in my flowing blue gown, I would have

this original experience of getting pantsed on the sundial. I hear the views from Low Steps are beautiful at this time of year.

5. Coffee chat someone in my grade: bro, we’re the same age, like we were literally born in the same year.

Can’t we just hang out and be friends?

6. Post a nude on my LinkedIn: #MakeLinkedInFrisky! Life is not all that serious. While I’m at it, I might as well connect with my class acquaintances and professors after my post to show them that I’ve got beauty and brains.

7. Network: while this may seem to be the most intuitive step in the cursus honorum of internships, Columbia students generally think that some opportunity will just fall into their lap.

If #1 to #6 fail, I’ll repeat the sequence three times before trying this step.

Flight Delay Quickly Rectified After Passenger Helpfully Takes Out Anger On Gate Attendant

By Sylvi Stein

our travel correspondent

Frustrated with the forty-minute delay, a man on the 12:20 flight from Chicago O'Hare to JFK reportedly saved the day by losing his temper with the gate attendant. "What do you mean the plane's not here yet?" shouted passenger Michael Avidon, 43, whose repeated insistences that an airport employee "get the pilot on the walkie" bore fruit when his efforts encouraged the airport staff to cancel the delay. "I don't want to hear excuses. I paid for a ticket, and I'm gonna get where I'm going on time, inclement weather be damned."

At press time, Avidon had reportedly received a three-star Michelin meal after complaining about the quality of the in-flight complimentary peanuts.

REPORT: Your Mom Added to All University Committees to Make Sure Graduation Happens

By Izzy Szyfer

this ur mom joke isn’t very funny...

Columbia University is determined to seeing that all class day ceremonies and Commencement occur without a hitch. In this spirit, we have added your mom to all University Committees to ensure that there are no barriers to any events. Whenever something totally normal happens at Columbia, like the federal government demanding oversight of the university, all your mom thinks about is making sure you’ll have a graduation. This singleminded determination is part of the reason the University added your mom to all committees. She’s been waiting for this moment for twenty-two years, and NOTHING will get in her way.

May 2025

Your mom will break down any obstacle to not having graduation.

Your mom will direct traffic in the line outside the gates, your mom will jump police barricades, your mom will enforce the rule of law— all as long as you can wear your wrinkly blue gown in peace. Your mom’s first order of business will be making sure she gets a frontrow seat to film you with her thumb over the camera when you cross the stage and get your diploma. Other agenda items are yet to be revealed, but will ensure you have an Ivy League diploma in your (or her) hands this May 21.

SHATTERING NEWS!

21

gotta get those connections UP

CC Student Follows Barnard on LinkedIn, Deemed Women’s College-Wide Hero

By Kimberly Wing YES KING!

After nosy profile viewer and political science major Chad MajorAlly (CC '27) followed Barnard College on LinkedIn.com, he received a hero’s welcome as he stepped through the gates of the women’s college the following morning. Barnard Hall proudly showcased a banner with the words “THANK YOU, KING <3!” as hundreds of students cheered to welcome a man standing in solidarity with them onto campus.

“I felt bad for everything that’s affecting the women in our country, so I followed Barnard on LinkedIn. That way, when someone sees Barnard in my LinkedIn interests, they’ll know I’m six foot five and that I read feminist literature,” Major-Ally said in an interview with The Fed. “I’m pretty much a Barnard student. I eat at Hewitt three times a day and use Milstein’s genderneutral bathrooms. I love learning and living alongside a community of bold, brilliant women.”

Even though it seems that Major-Ally’s intentions may just be to attract Barnard Baddies, @barnardadmissions stated on Instagram that “he’s exactly the kind of hero we need in times like these. Because of him, our LinkedIn has one more follower.”

Student McKinaleigh Vonnegyatt (BC ‘26) also told The Fed that MajorAlly is “pretty much the Captain Bayonne of Barnard College.”

Rumor has it that, because of his LinkedIn philanthropy, Major-Ally has been the first Columbia man to be given access to Barnard’s newest Fitness Center. Students that work the front desk of the gym say that the girls are a big fan of him as the Fitness Center sees an upsurge of students who don’t usually go to the gym. Many gawk and stare in awe as their hero grits his teeth and curls his two-pound dumbbells.

Columbia Health and Well-Being Offices Unveil New Programming in Response to Student Concerns

Commencement Speaker to be Replaced by Tilikum the Orca

By Inica Kotasthane

By Livy Molko finding that zen or something

"OAAaaoooOOOrrGggOOAA" indeed

With the increasing pressures being put on Columbia University by the Trump administration in the form of heightened surveillance and targeting of students, academic programs, and funding, many community members have reported feelings of distress and fear. While both Columbia and Barnard’s student health offices have provided blanket statements encouraging students to seek mental health support, exercise, and to process emotions with trusted individuals, students have requested additional resources to deal with the political and academic uncertainty. In a new email sent to students, these offices have responded to student demand and advertised the following events: Columbia Health: • Yoga for Authoritarian Regimes • Make Nice with ICE: Communication Strategies for Handing Over Your Rights • Dance Fitness Series: Interpreting Facism Through Movement Barnard LeFrak Center for Well-Being: • That Goes Where? Information Session on Heterosexual Intercourse for Those Going Back Into the Closet • You, Me, and the NYPD: Making Space on Campus for Oppressors • Don’t Worry About It, Kitten: How Future Wives and Mothers Can Ignore Current Events

In an unexpected change of plans, this year’s Columbia Commencement Speaker, previously announced as author Jodi Kantor (CC ‘96), will be replaced by Tilikum the Orca (Sea World ‘17). In the wake of this shocking turn of events, The Fed spoke with new interim president Claire Shipman on why she decided to make this decision. Shipman explained, “Look, when you compare the credentials, it’s an obvious choice.”

While Cantor may have a Pulitzer prize for reporting on sexual abuse, and was included in Time magazine's 100 Most Influential People of 2018, Tilikum battled dorsal fin collapse, a kidnapping from his native Icelandic waters, the extreme psychological effects of captivity, and tireless performance at SeaWorld for 34 years. In addition to his accomplished entertainment career, Tilikum humbly sired 21 calves throughout his lifetime. He balanced his career and fatherhood with grace and charm, despite his physical and psychological limitations. Subject of acclaimed 2013 documentary Blackfish, Tilikum faced heavy backlash, and despite all of it, remained an activist symbol for the inhumane treatment of orcas in captivity.

When asked to comment on Tilikum's criminal record of being involved in the deaths of three SeaWorld employees, Shipman ironically replied, “Being locked behind gates is bound to take a toll on anyone.” The Fed reached out to Tilikum himself for a statement on this, to which he replied “OAAaaoooOOOrrGggOOAA.” Columbia looks forward to welcoming Tilikum onto campus on May 20th, and Columbia students can expect Low Steps to be inaccessible beginning next week for the start of construction of a 40-foot-deep swimming pool.

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Volume XLII Issue 6

more delicious words

He’s Just like Me Fr: Trump Declares End of War on Shower Pressure

Ask and You Shall Receive: Administration Responds to Admitted Student Concerns

By Livy Molko, Clara Neilson-Papish, Sophia Brown & Valerie Yum

By Valerie Solanas SOOO YUMMYYYY

Dear Class of 2029, Congratulations on Your Admittance to the Most Brutalized Ivy League Student Body!

While we looked at almost one hundred applications from all over the world (i.e, from one boarding school hotspot to the next), yours stood out due to your blatantly obvious desperation and willingness to pay above and beyond full tuition. We admire your commitment to Volunteer, Sport, and Academic. We’ve never encountered a student quite like you! In response to some concerns we suspect you may have about selecting us (Roar, Lion, Roar!), we are able to offer some incredible resources for your next four years—provided that you submit your $400,000,000 deposit to Columbia at your earliest convenience. In addition to a world-class education, renowned professors, and the immense professional opportunities that New York City has to offer, we will be adding 🇪 DUBAI CHOCOLATE STATIONS 🇪 to our campus.

Yes, you heard that right. We have taken the feedback from the SGA survey of our current students about the state of the university, and after heavily considering the student concerns about campus access and security, we have decided to provide free and delicious 🇪 DUBAI CHOCOLATE STATIONS 🇪 for each and every student on campus.

So we sincerely hope you make the right choice, selecting Columbia University, the only school with state-of-the-art facilities, unmatched academic rigor, and 🇪 DUBAI CHOCOLATE STATIONS 🇪 Hugs and kisses, Chocolatier Shipman

🍫🇦✨✨

🍫🇦✨✨

🍫🇦✨✨

🍫🇦✨✨

🍫🇦✨✨

🍫🇦✨✨

i feel so seen In an executive order on April 9th, President Trump announced the end of the Left’s war on showerheads. Lauded as a rare win for radical feminists, Trump has taken down the Obama-Biden administration’s agenda to curb shower pleasure, which attempted to stifle women’s and bottoms’ private time in the shower by implementing unAmerican limits to water pressure in showerheads. In a statement, Trump asserted, “I think we should all finish—unlike Biden with that election!! Amirite, folks?” I, a woman in touch with her body, am moved by this effort to let more freak flags fly. Trump, a diva himself, later tried to defend his God-given right to a fierce hairdo: “I want [the shampoo] to be lathered beautifully. And I get this best stuff you can buy, and I dump it all over. And then I turn on the water, and the damn water drips out. I can’t get the stuff out of my hair. It’s a horrible thing.”** But we know the truth, Mr. President.

The coastal elite won’t want the world to know and will bring you to shame for it, but we honor your right to pass this bill so you can go back to having a blast with your ~ Oval Office ~ in the privacy of the West Wing. President Trump, thank you for being a sister. #MAGA **: DISCLAIMER, this is a real quote.

Student-Athletes Riot in Response to Ferris Egg Shortage

By Ava Lyon-Sereno, Inica Kotasthane & Kimberly Wing walking on egg shells around here...

Columbia Dining recently announced that, due to Trump’s newly enacted eggonomic policies, each student would be limited to two eggs per day. Egg consumption will be tracked via CUID and crossreferenced by Allied Security using surveillance tapes. Student-athletes have expressed outrage at the new policy, given that they contribute to over 75% of all egg consumption at Columbia. University Facilities and Operations told The Fed in an exclusive statement that this was an “eggcellent idea.”

Upon learning about the change, Fed reporters spoke to multiple students at Ferris Booth Commons during the morning breakfast rush. “I need my eggs scrambled, like my brain,” said S.P. Lit, a football May 2025

player recently diagnosed with CTE. When asked to specify the number of eggs in his typical order, he started counting on his fingers.

“If I can’t get six eggs in my omelette, I’m gonna start smashing shit!” baseball player Jack Edup told The Fed. Talk about a fowl play!

If a student is found to have exceeded their egg limit, their swipe access will be revoked until they bring an equivalent number of eggs to a drop-off site in Wien Hall. Those who repeatedly violate this policy will be eggsecuted.

Despite the lack of eggs in Columbia athletes’ diets, the poor outcomes of recent games indicate that their performances have barely changed.

THIS IS EGGS-ACTLY WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF!

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SUNDAYS. 8:30 PM. LERNER 569.

BE THERE. 24

Volume XLII Issue 6