October 2025

THE TEAM

EDITORIAL BOARD

Feditors-in-Chief

Oliver Green

Inica Kotasthane

Managing Editors

Aron Shklar

Zoe Silverman

Head Submissions Editors

Beau Gantz

Livy Molko

Publisher Valerie Yum

Arts Editors

Isabella Palit

Copy Editors (cont.)

Ariel Mura

Nicole Pi

Julia Ryan

Aron Shklar

Emily Song

Joshua Thorne

Winston Vuong

Jaylen Wright

Valerie Yum

Layout Editors

Letter From the Feditors

Dear Reader,

Boo! Did we scare you? No? Okay, we’ll try again. Midterm grade released! CUID swipe access denied! Grandma sub discontinued! Look at you now, shaking in your boots. Well, you asked for it… scaredy-cat.

Stella Turowsky-Ganci

Head Copy Editor

Clara Neilson-Papish

Head Layout Editor

Kamtoya Okeke

Social Media Editor

Reza Shayesteh

Online Editor

Kimberly Wing

Games Editor

Sophia Brown

Social Chair & Minister of Mischief

Sasha Maroulis

Senior Advisor

Dani Winkler

GENERAL BOARD STAFF

Submissions Editors

Sophia Brown

Oliver Green

Inica Kotasthane

Ava Lyon-Sereno

Sasha Maroulis

Clara Neilson-Papish

Zoe Silverman

Reza Shayesteh

Aron Shklar

Dani Winkler

Valerie Yum

Copy Editors

Michelle Barsoum

Sophia Brown

Divya Chaudhry

Sydney Kelble

Inica Kotasthane

Ava Lyon-Sereno

Sophia Mariano

Safa Al-Naser

Michelle Barsoum

Liz Lewis

Sophia Mariano

Zach Morais

Ariel Mura

Julia Ryan

Marina Senderos

Alix Sivolella

Iris Tang

Joshua Thorne

Staff Writers

Andrew Barth

Madeline Basch

Sophia Brown

James Coppersmith

Olivia Feeney

Sonia Freedman

Beau Gantz

Oliver Green

Sydney Kelble

Inica Kotasthane

Helen Liang

Elena Lukac

Ava Lyon-Sereno

Sophia Mariano

Sasha Maroulis

Livy Molko

Clara Neilson-Papish

Anna Rosenbloom

Julia Ryan

Reza Shayesteh

Aron Shklar

Anand Shukla-Parekh

Zoe Silverman

Matthias Pridgeon

Nina Tekriwal

Joshua Thorne

Stella Turowsky-Ganci

Kimberly Wing

Dani Winkler

Madelyn Xaysanasy

Valerie Yum

Staff Artists

Inica Kotasthane

Ava Lyon-Sereno

Caitlynn Year

All jokes aside, it’s time we address the elephant in the room. We had an incident after the publication of our previous issue, and we want to make sure that we clearly apologize to everyone that was offended, so here goes: we are sincerely sorry that a zombie infiltrated our Fed meeting last week. We’re also sorry that he ate the brains of half of our Gboard. We’d especially like to apologize to the poor freshman who was attending his first meeting and thinks this kind of cranial attack happens every Sunday. It doesn’t, and we’ll even go so far as to say that it shouldn’t .

Not to deflect blame for anything that happened, but we are relatively new to the Feditor position. There are usually many rows of unfamiliar characters at our meetings early in the year, so is it really our fault that we saw the shriveled-up green guy in the back mumbling “brainssss” and just assumed that it was his schtick? I mean, we were all a bit confused when he replied to our “favorite food” icebreaker with “human flesh,” but who are we to police the humor of others?

Unfortunately, half our staff members are now zombies and the surviving freshmen have locked themselves in their rooms to fill out their transfer applications. But what’s important is that we officially apologized. And what’s even more important is that we did the right thing: we sent the zombie to the Spec office. We want to make it clear we aren't apologizing for doing that, especially because the zombie didn't find any brains there anyway.

We hope that you enjoy this issue, at least before the apocalypse engulfs campus. And be safe out there! Apparently the Fed and Spec zombies are having a competition over who can eat more underclassmen. Of course, we denounce zombie violence in all forms, but if our undead Feddies can hear us, we’re rooting for you!

Brains… braaaainssss, Inica & Oliver

Cover by Stella Turkowsky-Ganci

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PAGE 3: Goon ghosts in the stacks

PAGE 4: Made in China

PAGE 5: Damn it Hillary!

PAGE 6: Institutionalized misandry

PAGE 7: Pills and potions, we're overdosing

PAGE 8: Jumping around

PAGE 9: Who's your daddy? Chef Mike!

PAGE 10: Just a lil' guy

PAGE 11: Rosenbury desperate ash

PAGE 14: Invest in Grace Dodge NOW

PAGE 15: Start hoarding your tokens now!

PAGE 16: Hehe

PAGE 17: Release your inner child

PAGE 18: Mom and Dad

PAGE 19: Heh...

PAGE 20: Buns are not out

PAGE 21: It's just a hobby!

PAGE 22: Costume fun

PAGE 23: It's just the truth, Furnald.

‘Lock My Ass Up, Then!’: HIPAA Strips License from CUEMS EMT After They Gossip About Having to Help Their Opp

By Reza Shayesteh

medical malpractice, basically Rachel Cameron, a Columbia sophomore and EMT for Columbia University Emergency Medical Services (CUEMS), got a call on Thursday night to report to East Campus, 10th floor, to resuscitate an intoxicated patient. She was immediately on alert—she knew that floor all too well.

She reached the suite. She opened the door and found her ex-situationship from last semester who ghosted her. A true professional, she only giggled audibly once and then breathed life back into her old flame. He was delivered to Mount Sinai Morningside Heights within the hour and Cameron moved on with her shift and her evening.

The next day, however, several of her friends reported that her professionalism ended the next morning when she clocked out. She explained to her

friends and really anyone who would listen on a coke rant Instagram live about the incident.

A few standout phrases that she repeated more than a few times include “messy ass sloppy drunk, I’d be embarrassed as fuck,” “bottles of pink whitney shooters all around him, the GAYBO,” “pasty ass fugly fucker needed me AGAIN,” “puked all over his ugly chode,” and “uncouth behavior from an uncouth motherfucker. Who’s fucking surprised? Whoopty fucking doo.”

HIPAA, somehow catching wind of this, temporarily suspended Cameron’s EMT license and mandated her to 30 hours of in-person New York State HIPAA training in Albany. In an interview with The Fed, Cameron said that she doesn’t regret what she did. “If they saw what he did to me last semester or

how I had to use multiple solvents and homemade remedies just to scrub that revolting sticky vomit off his chode last week, they’d be telling a different story.

Butler Stacks Haunted by Mysterious ‘Moaning’

By Matthias Pridgeon

The Butler stacks, one of Columbia’s few study spots that students can occasionally find a seat in without fighting a life or death battle, was recently reported to be receiving visitors of a sinister and spectral nature. Where there was once silence pierced only by the sounds of occasional despair, there are now periods of intermittent and highly disruptive “moaning” interrupting students' work—the source, one can only conclude, is supernatural.

Haunting, at least in the Butler stacks, seems to be a nocturnal activity. We at The Fed are grateful that, therefore, this phenomenon only occurs when the stacks are the most empty of possible victims.

“Frankly, it was violent and terrifying,” said one frightened student who claimed to hear the ominous noises. “The bookshelf next to me was literally shaking with the force of the moans.” Indeed, according to several accounts, these moaning spectres are far from incorporeal, as, in addition to their poltergeist-esque shelf-shaking abilities, several students have reported traces of mysterious, sticky, ectoplasm-like splatters throughout the stacks. The Fed is currently awaiting the results of laboratory examination, but it is highly likely that the ectoplasm is the remnants of an otherworldly being. Thankfully, no physical assaults from these ghouls have been reported—at least yet.

“One night, I went to investigate the noises,” one brave late-night studier told us, “and when I did, I heard some

people cursing, the sounds of jeans being zipped up, and then footsteps running away. I guess they must’ve been scared by the moans, too. I just hope they didn’t think it was me making those noises.” Unfortunately, neither this student nor any other victims have been able to identify the specific ghosts responsible for the disruptions. The possible perpetrators are endless: enraged and ancient Lit Hum professors, work-study librarians forever lost in the stacks, or even Alexander Hamilton on a field trip from Trinity Church. Unfortunately, there is no available remedy for this issue; the University’s administration shows no signs of addressing the hauntings, though, in a seemingly unrelated renovation, they have recently constructed a flavored condom dispenser at Butler’s main circulation desk.

Dónde está el baño?

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

By Joshua Thorne

Report: Mask Ban Sure is a Headache on Halloween

By Beau Gantz

no face, yes case

According to a tip from Public Safety employee Al Lydsikirity, the University’s campus-wide mask ban sure stirs up some trouble around Halloween.

Al explained to The Fed that the policy was a major source of frustration for the public safety team. “Just a real pain in my behind, I’ll tell ya,” Al told us. “Just a parade of Batmen, Spidermen, skeletons, guys from Fortnite,” Al said, “and I gotta tell all of them to take that shit off or I’ll call the NYPD. It’s exhausting.”

The controversial mask policy prohibits students from using face coverings as a means of concealing their identity. There are exceptions for religious and medical reasons, but Mr. Lydsikirity notes that these poli -

cies can be just as troublesome. “I had a guy dressed like Squid Game. And I said, ‘You’re not allowed to be Squid Game. Can’t cover your face. Go be Squid Game somewhere else.’ And he told me it was religious, cause Halloween is All Hallow’s Eve and he’s Christian. So now I—Al Lydsikirity—I gotta step up and make the call on whether or not we’re persecuting this guy’s religion if we say he’s not allowed to be Squid Game.”

While the work is tiresome, Lydsikirity recognizes that the policy is still important. “We never know which one of these Squid Games is gonna be a protestor,” he said, “and we can’t let Halloween get in the way of our responsibility to dox teenagers.”

Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Arts Editor

Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Arts Editor

Not This Again: Hillary Clinton Accidentally Emails Classified Material to Entire SIPA Listserv

By Shawn Kathuria

old habits die hard

MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS, NY

— This past Monday, when students in Columbia’s School of International and Public Affairs (SIPA) awoke to check their inboxes, instead of the usual slurry of job rejections and political newsletters, they were met with a memo containing the subject line “CONFIDEN-

TIAL: DO NOT SHARE”, seemingly sent from former Secretary of State and SIPA Professor Hillary Clinton.

“I thought it was a phishing scam, because surely she did NOT do this again”, said one SIPA student, on the condition of anonymity. “But I let my curiosity get the better of me, and all of a sudden I was looking at hundreds of documents stamped ‘top secret.’”

History buffs will note that this is not the first time that former Secretary Clinton has mishandled classified information.

A representative from the Office of

the Director of National Intelligence, when asked about plans for containing the spread of government secrets, told The Federalist that “crooked Hillary is a Russian spy” and “but like, please don't look at those.” President Trump has already commented on the incident on his platform, Truth Social. In a new poll posted to his account, users can now respond to the prompt “Should I lock her up NOW?” with “Yes!” or “Absolutely!.

At press time, the SIPA Dean’s Office had sent a follow-up message reminding students not to “reply all,” and Fox News had labeled Columbia as “a known safe haven for cybercriminals and gender studies majors.”

Disclaimer: The author absolutely would’ve voted for Hillary if he wasn’t eleven years old when she ran (and too short to slide the counterfeit ballot into the box).

China Reports Nationwide Bao Shortage, Cites ‘Unsustainable Demand’ From John Jay Dining Hall

By Shawn Kathuria down ba(o)d

MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS, NY

— On Tuesday, the Chinese Ministry of Commerce announced that a severe nationwide shortage of bao buns has emerged, citing “unsustainable levels of consumption traced to Columbia University’s John Jay Dining Hall.”

According to officials, the country’s steamed-bun reserves, typically sufficient to feed 1.4 billion people, were reportedly “nearly depleted within a matter of weeks” after Columbia’s dining services introduced bao as a daily option. “We anticipated some increase in demand,” said one Ministry of Commerce spokesperson, “but nothing quite like this.” Sources within Columbia

Dining confirm that bao shipments now account for nearly 80 percent of the university’s total imports, surpassing even avocados and cold brew concentrate.

“I just thought they were cute little dumplings,” said one first-year student, who asked to remain anonymous for fear of losing swipe access or John Jay ice cream bar privileges. “Now I realize I’ve destabilized a global market.”

In a statement released Wednesday, John Jay Dining Hall promised to “explore alternative forms of starch,” while declining to rule out further expansions into dim sum. Beijing, meanwhile, has reportedly appealed to the United Nations for help.

Barnard Expansion to Found First American Non-Binary College (NBC),

NBarnard College

By Reza Shayesteh theyducation

Barnard College has received upwards of 200 complaints from prospective students who hesitated to apply after viewing the requirement that applicants must “consistently live and identify as women.” She/theys around the country expressed feeling “slighted” by this requirement, as their desire to be part of the Barnard community was challenged by the administration’s definition of a woman.

Famous for its sensitivity to its students' needs, Barnard has taken these concerns into consideration and is happy to announce that they will be creating the first American Non-Binary College (NBC): NBarnard! Che Diaz will serve as the inaugural presi-

dent and oversee the implementation of the first two degree programs at the college, exclusive to NBarnard: DJ Studies and Septum Piercing Arts.

Barnard, which currently does not dissuade students from transitioning during their four years of enrollment, will now ask that students who may feel any “special urges” during their time at Barnard to quietly transfer to NBarnard, and will be adopting a stricter doctrine of gender-based admission.

In an interview with The Fed, Barnard president Laura Rosenbury expressed excitement for this change to take place. Smirking, she added, “Finally! The problems are GONE!”

Turowsky-Ganci/Arts Editor

'I Think Our Suite is Haunted': Worst Roommate Ever Blames Poltergeist for Unfinished Chores

By Federalist Staff smells goo-lish

Barnard Facilities has received an especially haunting maintenance request this Halloween season: cleansing a suite of an evil spirit.

Beginning in early September, four Barnard suitemates in Suite 11A began to notice the kitchen trash overflowing every other week. Weirdly enough, this would only occur when one resident, Marie Simmons, was on trash duty.

The Federalist spoke to Simmons about her experience. “I take the trash out to the basement in the morning whenever it’s my turn, but when I get back from class, the bag is always back in the kitchen, unemptied, like I never touched it,” she explained. Simmons, who previously said that she prefers “neat, clean rooms” on the roommate questionnaire, has fully accepted this new spectral suitemate with its quirks. “It’s honestly not a big deal. Sometimes it happens with my dishes, too: all my used dishes keep being uncleaned and moved back to the sink for, like, a week.” Simmons recalled facing questions from her roommates about the plausibility of this story, to which

she responded with indignation, asking, “God, what’s wrong with you?” and “You guys know I have anxiety.”

Suite 11A, along with Barnard Facilities and The Federalist, held a special Ouija session late last Wednesday to speak and reason with the spirit. When asked if the spirit was responsible for moving trash and dishes back to their original, uncleaned locations, the planchette landed on “Yes”, though, notably, Simmons’ fingertips turned white with pressure as the planchette flew towards an answer. Following this affirmative answer, the suite then asked if the spirit would also like to be added to the chore rotation chart, to which the spirit responded with “No” and “You guys know I have anxiety.”

Following the conclusion of the session, Simmons seemed relieved. “It seems like the spirit won’t be leaving anytime soon. Unfortunately, if it’s the same spirit I also had last year in my previous suite, the spirit also tends to smoke weed inside with the windows closed.” The other suitemates declined to comment.

Claire Shipman Haunted by the Ghost of $200 Million

By Beau Gantz

bills from the beyond

It came to me in the middle of the night. I heard a rattling outside the window of my penthouse suite at the top of Low Library. I struck upright in bed and cautiously investigated the window. When I drew back the curtain, it flooded the room—200 million individual dollar bills, frantically swarming around my bedroom like bats in a hurricane. I screamed, but the noise was drowned out by their millions of voices, speaking in one, echoing cadence—

“Two hundred million. You could have saved us. Two hundred million.”

“No,” I cried, “no, I couldn’t have! There was nothing I could do!”

“You could’ve capitulated even harder, Claire.”

This thought has haunted me every night since we first laid out the red carpet for the Trump administration. There was always this nagging feeling that there was something—some freedom, some student liberty, some degree of academic autonomy—that I could still sacrifice in order to appease our President. Maybe if I capitulated just a little bit more, I could’ve kept more money. But I’ve never been able to figure out

what else I could’ve done.

“I did everything I could,” I cried, “we’re the poster child for academic cowardice! John Oliver called us the Little Bitch University!”

“We don’t give a shit what John Oliver said,” the swarm of cash answered, “You could’ve done more.”

I watched as the money swirled, at first seemingly at random, before morphing into monochrome images—paintings of what I could’ve done differently. The bills were folded and assembled to show me cutting the ribbon at the Trump Legacy Library. Then they showed the name Limbaugh shin -

ing proudly on Butler’s facade, they showed me Kid Rock on stage rocking out at Bacchanal, and finally, they illustrated a CommonApp supplemental essay reading “What is a woman?” I was devastated. There was so much I could’ve been doing to lower the bar of academic integrity. I just never thought big enough. “I’m sorry,” I screamed, “I’ll do better. I’ll pull some strings and get Leavitt a Pulitzer.” After I said this, I heard the roaring wind of the cash cyclone stop, and I opened my eyes to see that the phantom fiat bills had vanished. The truth they revealed to me, however, is permanent.

Stella

Anxious Columbia Student Signs Sponsorship Deal With Lorazepam

By Matthias Pridgeon

numb is in!

Anita Calmdown, a high achiever majoring in bio (on the pre-med track, of course) and political science (pre-law—as a back up) is paving a new career path for overworked, anxious students; in other words, for anyone enrolled at Columbia. How, you might ask, has she done it? Simply put, by commercializing her own suffering.

Anita recently signed a sponsorship deal with Lorazepam as part of a new campaign focused on the drug’s abilities to help keep college students calm amidst the pressures of life and young adulthood. “I don’t need a healthy sleep schedule or a work/life balance—not when I have Lorazepam!" declares a bold headline above a picture of Anita’s smiling face in a new poster produced in this line.

“I haven’t broken down on the phone with my parents in months!” she’s quoted as saying in another. “Actually, my parents would never let me break down on the phone,” Anita shared when asked about this particular poster. “They wanted me to be a doctor, so crying didn’t really fly. But the overwhelming pressure from them has actually really helped me land this new deal, so I guess in the end I have a lot to thank them for.”

These posters and many like them have sprouted up across campus and the city like weeds. Several have even been spotted on official Columbia notice boards, but when asked about such posters, members of the administration seemed divided.

"I’m in full support,” one board

member commented, “I don’t think I could deal with this school unmedicated, either.” Other board members seemed to disagree, though. “It’s bullshit,” said one as he tore down a poster. “If I was paying this much to send my kid here, I’d want them as anxious as possible.”

Anita is facing a lot of backlash from students at Columbia and Barnard who claim these brand deals are the ultimate capitulation to capitalist ideals. “My rampant anxiety was the one thing that those money hungry pigs couldn’t touch,” proclaimed one student. “Now they’re taking even that from me!” Such sentiments are shared by many among the student body, who feel Anita’s deal, and deals like it, exploits the suffering of students. Anita doesn’t let that bother her though, and cites the reason for

her indifference to their critiques to be “the money, mostly. I’m just trying to afford the occasional Joe’s coffee and print copies of my textbooks, you know, and if this is what it takes, so be it.”

While these brand deals offer an exciting new opportunity for other students like Anita, it seems that Columbia students are still trying to break into the anti-depressant industry. Despite repeated attempts, depressed Columbia students have yet to forge a single deal, which, they report, has not helped their mental struggles. “Why would we come to you all,” one anonymous spokesperson for an SSRI conglomerate explained, “When there’s another Ivy League upstate with nets under their bridges?”

International Students 'Forget' Parents’ Campus Passes

By Matthias Pridgeon

how tragic...

In a less-than-ideal start to Parents’ Weekend, this Friday morning, campus’ Broadway gates endured a vicious mob of furious parents from all across the world. Enraged shouting in Cantonese, Mandarin, Russian, Hindi, and even British arose as parent after parent was denied access to campus by our diligent Public Safety officers. Outraged parents, exhausted from their long travels, railed against everyone from the University’s president to the country’s. But the culprit for this treatment, it turned out, was neither president, nor a glitch or even a public safety officer, but rather the parents’ children themselves, who had failed to complete their parents’ campus access passes.

“Oh no,” one student complained. “I couldn’t wait for my parents to come and

judge my friends, criticize my dorm, and ask me uncomfortable questions—and now they can’t even get on campus!” Other students voiced similar distress. “I’m so dumb, I can’t believe I forgot their passes,” another student said. “My parents would be so pissed if they could reach me—but luckily now I can just keep ignoring their texts.” Public safety offered repeatedly to allow parents in as soon as their children filled out the paperwork, but the difficulties continued. Luckily, students were more than willing to leave campus to visit their parents. Once non-John Jay dinners were on the table, students flocked out from campus.

“I just love my parents,” one student said while carrying several large boxes of leftovers. “They’ve travelled 12 hours, I guess they deserve the right to buy me a dinner.”

Analysis of Barnard Demographics Reveals Troubling Gender Disparity

By Anand Shukla-Parekh

this is the future liberals want

Following an agreement with Daddy Donald to carry out a comprehensive evaluation of their admissions practices, Columbia has finally released the results of their audit. Findings include a 39 percent international student enrollment and a 21 percent FGLI student population in SEAS/ CC.

But without a doubt, the most shocking revelation of this bombshell report was the fact that Barnard College’s population is 100 percent female students. Columbia administrators were seen falling to their knees on Low Steps as they struggled to come to terms with how this oversight could have possibly happened.

Claire Shipman, in an exclusive interview with The Fed , gave her thoughts on this demographic debacle:

“We at Columbia take diversity extremely seriously. Diversity is the backbone of a community, and our community is the backbone of our college. As such, our college is the backbone of diversity. At the same time, we can’t forget that the backbone of diversity is community. What was the question again?”

Despite Shipman’s stated commitment

to finding out how this could’ve happened, further research by The Fed revealed a terrifying truth: this might’ve been an inside job.

“If you do a deep dive down Wikipedia, you’ll find a covert mention in line one that Barnard is actually listed as a women’s college,” said our correspondent, who begged to stay anonymous while conducting this sensitive research. “This, to me, can only indicate that this was not a freak statistical accident, like Columbia admin wants us to believe, but a concerted effort by the University to discriminate against men, who already face such institutional barriers at the moment.”

Our correspondent further revealed to us that he had successfully initiated contact with a real, live Barnard student, whom they were able to interview. Through this top-secret conversation, he found out that the Barnard application process actually requires students to affirm that their gender identity is nonbinary or female.

“Shipman and admin are fucking with us, I’m telling you. They’re obfuscating. But I’m about to bust this whole thing wide open.”

Attention Bwog, Notice: Cease and Desist

By Kimberly Wing

To the Bwog Editorial Board,

this isn't C hallengers

Please accept this correspondence as a formal notice to immediately cease and desist all requests for a sequel to “‘Pressed’ Up: A Fed x Spec Fanfiction.” Your incessant requests—which ask for the inclusion of your publication in a “throuple” or “love triangle” with The Columbia Federalist (“Fed”) and the Columbia Daily Spectator (“Spec”) —will not be entertained.

Not only are your requests an irrelevant intrusion into 40 years of enemies-to-lovers tension between Fed and Spec , but also—as put by the author of “‘Pressed’ Up”—"drag the joke” to a point where it would be “unfunny.” As a campus publication that cares deeply about its external image, The Fed will not proceed with such a risky embarrassment.

Furthermore, the author of “‘Pressed’ Up” wants to express their personal offense at Bwog for not reaching out to them directly to discuss a sequel, and the disrespect this failure to reach out communicates.

If this behavior continues, The Columbia Federalist , on this writer’s behalf, will seek a temporary restraining order, and involve a group of Columbia Law Students to take legal action (they owe us a favor for ruthlessly crushing us in intramural volleyball).

Additionally, should Bwog decide to write their own sequel of “‘Pressed’ Up” without the permission of the author, it would violate copyright, intellectual property, and the values of any respectable publication.

Fedbwogtator is not happening. #FedtatorOTP

With no due respect, @fedtator4ever2005, The Columbia Federalist Legal Team, and all decent fanfiction writers

BE WARNED! Columbia Student Summons Deadly Demonic TA After Coughing Three Times in Lecture

By Madeline Basch

read if you dare

As Columbia’s flu season dies down, students now face a new threat to their 8:40 AM LitHum lecture. Several students have reached out to The Fed after witnessing a ghostly TA spirit rise out of the floorboards of Hamilton: “It was crazy! I had just used up my third cough per lecture coupon when next thing I know a decrepit hand clasping onto the Iliad shot up from the ground grumbling ‘close reading… close reading….’” Other witness -

es claimed to watch the walls “violently peel” revealing decades of Core Curriculum trauma and an “icy chilling breeze” swept through the room. Students reported a ghastly voice whispering, "Participation counts for 10% of your grade.”

Despite widespread confusion of the event, several local mediums requested CU access and exclusive interviews with our reporters over at The Fed . One representative stated, “The mixture

What if i have to sneeze?

of phlegm and the sacred trinity coughs likely stimulated a dormant spirit in Hamilton Hall to awake.” Another source claimed, “Facilities have long been aware of the haunting but said it’s ‘not a maintenance priority at this time.’”

Our advice? Next time you go to class, make sure you respond to that discussion post—and don’t forget your crucifix.

Help! Chef Mike Rizzed Up My Mom At Parents Weekend

By Federalist Staff

I don’t want them to cook my grandma. Please. He’s already coming to Christmas.

Places I Have Fallen in New York

By Zoe Silverman oopsie daisy

Halloween weekend means it’s time to start the seasonal bender all over again, and in honor of the many clubs, bars, and parties we’ll frequent in skimpy and scandalous costumes, here’s a list of places to be extra vigilant in. These are places that have tasted my blood, broken my dignity, and claimed parts of my costumes I’ll never see again. Five crime scenes that I’ve just barely survived and a guide for you to learn from my unbalanced horror stories…

THE HEIGHTS : Talk about spooky— these stairs are truly frightening. I fell and lost the left shoe to my matching hot pink leather nurse costume in front of my ex-situationship on my first Halloweekend in New York City. This was the scariest night of my life, probably including the night I got chased by a rogue 2016 clown.

LOW STEPS : As the weather gets colder, these stairs only get slippier. If you’re hungover on the third morning of the annual bender like I was, these stairs must be crossed with extra precaution. Landing on a stray cigarette flying from the fingers of a welldressed international student is the cherry on top of the horrendous nightmare that has given many lifetime scars.

THE STRANGER : This club has the most horrifying, twisted, malicious staircase I have ever encountered. And while the Halloween celebrations here could be the best, it is never worth being carried out

of the club by two grown men after incurring three large bumps and bruises on my head fromthe tumble I endured. I took out ten strangers because the very first step on a staircase of 100 took me out immediately. Longest fall ever. Be warned.

THE SUBWAY (Between 1 a.m. and 4 a.m.): If you’re taking the train in costume, know this: the stairs leading to that rancid platform are a battlefield. I have tripped on long costume capes, lost wigs and tiaras, and been thrust into the subway pole by a stranger dressed as some sort of makeshift labubu before he threw up in front of me. Honestly, just avoid the subway and start walking everywhere, you have to fit into your costumes anyway…

SOCIALISTA : This is absolutely the worst place on Earth to stumble. The entire staircase is outside, dramatically long, and cruelly exposed to the elements and the gazes of every person in the crowd behind the velvet rope. I’ve fallen multiple times, and the bouncer, now weary, meets me halfway down with his hand outstretched. Not out of chivalry, but out of fear that my lip gloss will catapult into someone's 60-dollar bowl of Cipriani Lobster Bisque below.

Just be careful or stay inside; the streets do not need broken bones and shattered spirits. Happy Halloween, my baby giraffes. Let's stay upright this year. No Tricks, No Trips!

Heartbreaking: Not a Single Kid in the Nation Able to Convince Friend to Trade for Butterfinger Candy Bar

By Oliver Green

After trick-or-treating wrapped up this October 31, kids across the country gathered around and dumped their pillow cases out on the carpet, eager to sort through their candies and take stock of their plunder. Trading naturally ensued, with children swapping Twix for Snickers, KitKats for M&Ms. The market leaned away from the red-40 craze of the past decade, as children this year generally placed higher values on more caramel-forward choices. However, our reports indicate that not a single kid in the country managed to trade away their Butterfinger.

It appears that, for the hundredth year in a row, Butterfingers have the consensus lowest value on the Halloween candy trade market. It seems that their chalky, yet somehow also sticky inner

texture continues to be unsatisfying to the young taste. Millions of pleas and exhortions from children around the US to “please trade with me” proved ineffective, as kids’ luckier friends held firm that: “there’s literally no way I’m giving you a Milky Way for that garbage.”

Many children who were so unfortunate as to end up with multiple Butterfingers made the savvy decision to try to package multiple Butterfingers together to increase their market value. However, attempts to trade these again proved ineffective, as stingy friends across the nation universally replied, “Now you’re just giving me more trash to throw out.”

We at The Fed hope that these incredibly unfortunate children have better luck trick-or-

treating next year. Luckily, our census does point to another possible use for inedible, stale Butterfingers: throwing them really hard at your friend who wouldn’t trade with you.

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

JJ's Express Closed on Saturday Nights Due to You Bitches Not Being Able to Follow Directions

By Madelyn Xaysanasy

can any of you read???

Tensions have been high on Saturday nights in the basement of John Jay Hall. Freshmen with nothing better to do in the City That Never Sleeps at 10:30 pm gather like vermin on the stairs, chomping at the bit for four halfempty bags of stale Doritos for a precious meal swipe.

Staff at JJ’s Place have resorted to using megaphones and dog whistles to tame the generally annoying and unresponsive crowds of out-of-touch 18-year-olds that “could never work at a place like this.” Crowds have gotten so large that Public Safety has resorted to protest-dissolving protocol after mistaking the group’s passion for “getting the most out of their money” for anything related to any real cause.

In an interview with The Fed , one of JJ’s entrance staff members said, “I have never been looked at with such disgust after asking ‘Dine-in or Express.’ They crowd

the staircase, stand past the yellow line, and look at me with dead eyes while I swipe their card.” There was a generally somber vibe in the once joyous dining hall, but the consensus was that this era must end. Saturday Night JJ’s Express will not be missed by anyone but those damn kids.

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

Slackline Installed on Campus, Students Go Berserk

By Livy Molko columbia admin comeback?

“AHHHHHHHHHHHH,”

yelled one extraordinarily elated, wool-sock wearing student from Low steps when first catching a glimpse of the newest addition to Columbia's campus. “I LOVE THIS SCHOOOOLLL,” remarks a laughing and skipping student with a backpack. An Environmental Science professor stands next to a Gender Studies professor in raptures, hand in hand, happy tears streaming from both of their faces, beginning to form a hefty pool around their bare feet.

This week, in an effort to boost campus morale as the days get shorter and colder, Columbia administrators have installed what seems to be a slackline on campus, suspended from the Broadway to the Amsterdam gate, just a few feet above the bushes of College Walk. The extraordinary jubilance around campus is nothing short of a miracle, leaving students with smiles plastered on their euphoric little faces during all hours of the day and night. Political tensions on campus have reduced to a whopping 0 percent, effectively ending

any turmoil. “We’re just having too much fun to care anymore,” said one student, a former active member of a protest group.

In an interview with The Fed , interim President Claire Shipman explained, “Yeah, we took a really big plunge. But what can I say, we’re not afraid to take risks here at Columbia. We always respond to the needs of our students and this was right in front of our eyes.” Many are describing the slackline as an innovation in campus technology, not only encouraging outdoor recreation on campus, but also supporting the nearby orthopedic hospitals with increased business. “I mean, we only intended it to be a barrier, a simple little fence of sorts to slow traffic between the gates and prevent large crowds to rush towards any point on campus. We never thought the community would be this excited about it.”

“What can I say, we’re easy, we’re simple, we just want good old-fashioned, full-out, classic, everyday slackline fun,” described one student while foaming at the mouth.

I Lived It: A SEAS Student Snuck Into my Swim Test

By James coppersmith

they want to be us so bad

Like all good Columbia College seniors, I walked into Dodge Fitness Center the other day to complete my swim test, donned my finest (and tiniest) swim trunks, and hoped to harness the powers of Poseidon. As I made my way to the deck, I balked at the sight before my very eyes: a man wearing a Columbia Engineering hoodie walking beside

me. Surely, he was not taking the test too? Indeed, he did not enter the water; instead, he tore up pieces of the diving board, the floor tiles, and the plumbing. Before I could express my shock, he began to use the detritus to craft a sea vessel, upon which he hurled himself off the diving board, gouging out his left eye in the process.

Who wants

“Yaaaarrrrrggghhhhh!” he howled, so loudly that the students crying in Pupin must have heard it, before hurling the eye at the test proctor. Treading water and trailing blood, he pulled an eye patch out of his trunk pocket (where did he even find one?) and placed it into his empty socket. I tried to stay focused and continued swimming ahead. As I swam,

I saw a bright fire ahead of me and realized that it was his boat’s engine, whose exhaust flames I now had to dodge. So that’s why they named the gym Dodge! Unfortunately, on my final lap, the boat’s anchor tore off my leg, and I was unable to complete the swim test. Not the first time a SEAS student has screwed up a test’s curve!

So Apparently Dangling Sleeping Roommate Out of Eighth Story Window No Longer Okay

By Oliver Green

oh so now it's a big deal?

Apparently this is going to get me “canceled” or whatever, but I’m not afraid. Yeah, I’ll admit it: I waited till my roommate was asleep, grabbed him by the ankle, opened the window of our McBain floor 8 double, dangled him out there upside down, and shook him around till he woke up screaming at the top of his lungs. And I enjoyed it, especially the little frightened look on his face. So apparently that’s no longer cool with everyone? Geez.

I’m really wondering when everyone got so uptight about this stuff. Come on, we’re roommates! We’re supposed to be razzin’ each other! Is it because I didn’t wake him up? Because, if that’s the case, next time I’ll just tie his hands behind his back and then wake him up before I get started on my routine. Look, it will bum me out just a little because it’ll kind of ruin the surprise of waking up upside down in the freezing morning wind with

nothing between him and the pavement that’s 200 feet below while his ankle slowly slips out of my sweaty grip. But I’m willing to compromise, I’ll make sure he’s up and awake if that’s the only problem we have here.

I mean, we’ve all done it, guys. Sometimes when you’re fighting with your roommate, you get mad, and say a few things you don’t mean. And then sometimes, to teach him a lesson and really make sure he knows his place, you give him a little scare the next morning by dangling him outside your window by his foot and releasing him for a split second before you grab him again. Just so he knows he should keep his damn mouth shut the next time your dirty underwear somehow ends up on his pillowcase. It’s just a simple conflict mediation strategy—weren’t you guys paying any attention at the floor meeting?

Sure, my roommate filed a

room change request, a report, and a restraining order, but I can’t help but think that all the backlash I’m getting from everyone is ultimately somehow related to the Trump Deal. I mean, I never heard a peep from anyone about this before

this year, but now all of a sudden the administration wants to lay down the law? Word on the street is Acting President Shipman is a dangler at heart, so it seems like she’s really being guided by her greed instead of her true values. What a shame.

I'm a Little Man Stuck Inside The Fed Printing Press!

By Little Gregory

help meeeeeeeeee i'm a little man!!!!

HEY! Hey, you there! Don’t flip to the next page, WAIT!

I’m Little Gregory, and I’m stuck inside The Fed ’s printing press. I know, I know, from the rest of the paper, you might think this article is just another joke. But I’m really not kidding, I can’t get out of this machinery!

You might wonder how I’m writing to you. Well, look – they don’t call me Little Gregory for nothing. I’m 1’5”, and each of my hands is about the size of a little baby fork. My legs are jammed in between some wires, but I managed to free my arms and use my teensy itsy-bitsy hands to move

a couple of those little letters around to write this message. I’m sorry to the original writer whose article was supposed to go here; I thought your article about how the Hamilton elevator is slow was really funny (ugh, it was hard to lug that semicolon over here). Believe me, in ordinary circumstances I wouldn’t write over it, but I’m really in a bind here!

Look, it’s an awkward situation for me too, ok? But I need to get out of here, I’m already running super late for my Connect Conversation with my RA, and I really don’t want to face his wrath! If you could just email owg2102@columbia.edu and

give him the rundown of the whole situation (in detail) and any tips you have for how to get me unstuck, that would be super helpful.

Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist

Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist

President Rosenbury Spotted in First Year Writing

By Ava Lyon-Sereno and Sophia Mariano

take a summer course or something

Sloppy ballet escapades notwithstanding, President Laura Rosenbury is fearlessly taking on another Barnard class: First Year Writing. Spotted by several eagle-eyed students, she was noticed sneaking into Finding Your Voice: Opinion Writing 101.

"Her writing is so ASS, like actually so unbearable," Sara (BC '29) told The Fed "We all know it's her; the ugly hat and sunglasses aren't fooling anybody, especially with that glaringly bright blue blazer."

Other students chimed in: "It's obvious she doesn't use ChatGPT because even an AI bot couldn't write anything that cliche and terrible. The only sources she pulls from are her previous essays, which are also bad. It's like an ouroboros of shitty metaphors and logical fallacies."

Her presence isn’t just noticed by students, either. Professor Ima Riter quickly noticed a severe gap in persuasive abilities between Rosenbury and the students. "Usually, with the first-years I get in this course, they come in with weak to moderate writing skills from high school, and are able to quickly improve their work and show real growth, even in the first week. That weird lady with the fuckass bob who sits in the back has been consistently finding new ways to trip over her pencil, her computer, and even others’ advice."

Well, there you have it, folks! It seems there's one area students can finally find consensus on: if they can't get a leader with a moral compass, they'd at least like one that can write an essay.

This Just In! Woman Stuns in Totally Sexy and Completely Original Ghost Costume!

By Olivia Feeney

i know they're just cut out holes but i swear my heart skipped a beat when we locked eyes I know what you’re thinking, “I wish I had thought of that!” The perfect combination of just recognizable enough that people know what you are, and niche enough that no one else will be wearing it at the function. I mean, where did she come up with this never-been-done-before idea? The way her cotton billows in the cool autumn breeze, those dark,

mysterious eyes, it’s mesmerizing! And don’t get me started on her calves… there’s just something so sexy about an exposed lower appendage. How did she manage to tone and not bulk those puppies? Give us your secrets please! Plus, the tasteful bagginess of that sheet really leaves everyone wanting more—so much room for your imagination to run wild,

you’ll

Rosenbury Hires Etsy Witch to Quell Criticism

By Federalist Staff

It’s no secret that Barnard’s very own President Rosenbury has been the subject (read: creator) of quite a few scandals. Faithful to her stifling approach to governance, her approach to free speech in years past at the University of Florida and currently at Barnard College has frequently landed her in controversy surrounding student and faculty expression.

How does she handle critics' complaints? She opens up Etsy.

Rosenbury detailed, “About a year ago, I was chatting with my bestie, Katrina, about how we can best stop political discourse around campus without getting criticized for it. She then brought up this lady with a tongue piercing and orange hair online, who sells protection spells for “a reasonable price.” Clicking on a

hottest new strategy for solving problems with money just dropped

bookmarked tab labeled “uh oh! i did something bad,” an Etsy listing popped up for a “Same Day Extreme Protection & Cleansing” spell. The page defaulted to the “Quantity: 25” option.

In addition to the occasional spell, Rosenbury frequently spends 10 minutes before bed writing and reciting affirmations. If she is receiving an especially large amount of hate, as gauged by the number of screenshots of her emails and articles uploaded to Sidechat, she takes the extra precaution of placing each affirmation under her pillow at night. “It helps the affirmations speak to my subconscious mind,” Rosenbury explained. When asked the total cost of the spells, she shrugged the question off, appearing unconcerned. “It’s on the college’s dime. Why

do you think Barnard went into millions of dollars of debt a year ago? The aftermath of that ‘vote of no confidence’ probably cost, like, tens of thousands of dollars worth of spells.” She navigated to another Etsy tab. “Fortunately, I found this listing, ‘Spell to Attract Money,’ a few days ago. The worst it could do is knock the debt up a couple of bucks, but honestly, anything is worth a try at this point.”

Olivia Feeney/Staff Writer

wish you had x-ray glasses. Tres chic!

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

Bzzt! Bzzt! Transmission From a Future Where the Entire Economy Relies on Grace Dodge Tokens

By Inica Kotasthane

Transmission loading…

Hello, person receiving this. The year is 2094. The Earth’s second moon has disappeared behind the horizon, leaving behind a purple glow. I’m in one of the last available shelters in what was once known as New York City: a long, brown, regal-looking building identified only as TC . A group of one-hundred-or-so fellow survivors, including myself, are clustered in the basement. We discovered the room some weeks ago, pleasantly surprised by the untouched packages of food in the crumbling kitchen. An even greater discovery, however, awaited us: a stockpile of doubloons from a previous generation.

A couple of us stumbled upon the jars a few days after we first inhabited the place. We had split into groups of three to scope out the area and ensure the safety of the pack. Adam was waving his flashlight around when suddenly something glinted silver. We approached warily, worried it was a rogue android or an undetonated grenade. Imagine our surprise when, instead of an enemy or weapon, we saw five jars of pure, undamaged currency. There were several thousand silver coins, each branded with the words Columbia Dining , words that are completely meaningless to us.

We then brought the coins to our pack, and agreed that a public forum would be opened the next day to decide what the future of the tokens would be. The jars were left out in the middle of the room — trust is essential in the early days of community-development — and everyone went to bed. However, Steven, that greedy, slimy bastard backstabber, stole two jars and ran out of TC , presumably to his former Wall Street associates who were attempting to regain control of the remaining living population. We were fortunate that he wasn’t able to get away with the other three, considering what’s happened…

I’m glad that I listened to Adam’s advice and put a handful of coins in my pocket be-

'I'm

passive income

fore we turned the jars over. Now… now, those tokens are the only way to survive in this post-apocalyptic world. They are our broken society’s only source of wealth. The silver coins have spread across our decimated population and are now the only way to make transactions. People kill for them. I’ve killed for them.

One token can get you a car and two whole barrels of oil. Enough to drive yourself into the sea and put an end to your misery. Two can get a house in one of the outer boroughs, away from the radiation but much closer to the erratic, deformed wildlife that attacks anything that moves. That’s a risk that some have taken and many have regretted. Three tokens, with the right connections, can get you a one-way flight out of the States and to Asia, where it's rumored that civilization still stands. Four could buy the damn plane. Beyond that… I don’t know. I’ve heard that some of Steven’s gang have developed technology to absorb others’ life forces. You can buy someone’s remaining life for ten tokens — that’s at least ten years. The most desperate people are starting to auction off their own years. The worst of them are selling the lives of their kids… It’s a scary world out there. Even scarier than before, if that’s even possible.

Anyway, all of this is to say that you need to start collecting these tokens now. Hopefully this transmission is reaching the right year, the year when they exist. I have twenty, and even then, they’re not enough, not at the rate this world is going. Collect them now, and hide them under that domed building a few streets away from TC . If you survive, you’ll find them and you can use them. If you don’t… well, hopefully I’ll be able to use them.

This could be our only chance. I hope this gets to you.

Transmission ended…

a Huge Football Fan,' says Huge DayDrinking Fan

By Beau Gantz

Stella Turkowsky-Ganci/Arts Editor

Yes! Homecoming season is here! Suit up, boys, let’s go get this dub! Who’re we playing? Penn? Perfect! They suck! They’re good? Who cares!

It’s our responsibility to support our athletics, specifically on one single Saturday afternoon of the year. Can you feel the beauty of football season? The leaves are changing color, the smell of Bapple is in the air, and you can hear the crisp pop of the Natty Light I’m opening. The whole world is brighter and spinning a little bit. This is what college is all about: getting to a football game about a half-hour late, staying for a quarter, and making one of your friends take you home when you can no longer hang. When are we going to get this opportunity again (besides Bacchanal)? We get to cheer on the heroic players that we’re currently looking up on the roster. We get to hang out with our beloved plastered classmates. And we get to get absolutely sloshed in the October sunshine. There’s truly nothing like football season.

CC Freshman At a Very Chinese Time in His Life

By Kimberly Wing

ni hao ladies

When Sean Cena (CC ‘29) learned about Columbia College’s four-semester foreign language requirement, he felt stuck.

“I wanted to actually learn something,” Cena told The Fed . It was the end of the first day of classes when he decided to get dinner at the Panda Express on Broadway & 111th Street. “I was biting into my delicious orange chicken, and then it hit me. Maybe the Chinese aren’t just people I can make ‘bing chilling’ and social credit jokes about. Maybe they actually have a culture I can study.”

Cena decided to enroll in First Year Chinese, and was immediately blown away by the depth of information that lay beneath his surfacelevel understanding of the Far East.

“Chinese culture is much more than Panda Express and TikTok,” Cena proudly explained, demonstrating how his perspective on China has significantly changed. “Learning the language is difficult, but it’s rewarding. Instead of a regular alphabet, they read and write with thousands of little shapes — I love learning how to draw them for homework. Chinese is a really beautiful language.”

Isabella Palit/Staff Artist

Cena expressed his hopes to eventually become fluent in Chinese, as he believes it will strengthen his professional skills in a future career in politics. He is already working on his language skills by interacting with international students.

“This one kid in the Chinese Students Club taught me a few useful phrases — Tsao-knee-mah means ‘your family is beautiful.’ It’s a common phrase the Chinese say. That’s a lot more polite than us Westerners, eh? Hey dah-jee-ah, tsao-knee-mah !” Cena hollered to a group of passing students speaking Korean.

After his interview with The Fed , Cena was seen at Junzi ordering food in broken Chinese to a confused (not Chinese) cashier.

In Lieu of Opening Campus, Columbia Pledges to Give Halloween Candy to Local Residents

By Anand Shukla-Parekh

With local tensions rising over Columbia’s (possibly illegal) decision to have campus remain closed to residents of Morningside Heights, the administration has proposed a new program aiming to “sweeten” relations with residents.

“We’re pleased to announce our ‘Morningside Morsels’ initiative,” a university representative proclaimed last Friday morning. “While Columbia’s gates will be closed to the public for the foreseeable future, we want to recognize our place in the community by giving back to it. Therefore, between the hours of 7:30pm and 9:45pm on October 31, members of the Morningside community will be able to go to select university gates to collect Halloween candy (limit three pieces per person).

In order to enforce this strict three-piece policy, Public Safety will be posted at each of the m gates to carefully monitor candy acquisition. Residents are warned that Public Safety officers are empowered with stop-and-frisk privileges if there is adequate suspicion of candy theft. “We only have so much room in the budget for Twix Bars,”

said the university representative.

Further clarification was also provided on which Morningside residents were eligible for this generous offer. The university representative told The Fed , “After careful consultation with the sociology department, we’ve decided that residents aged seven-12 are acceptable trick or treating candidates. Those doing so above the age of 12 are at best losers and at worst potential political agitators. As such, all trick or treaters are required to bring a valid form of government ID to avail themselves of the candy. NYPD officers will be stationed at the entrances checking for fakes, so don’t even think about pretending you’re 12 if you aren’t. Similarly, trick or treaters without identification will be handled with force if necessary.”

The announcement concluded with the usual remarks regarding Columbia’s community commitment, as well as the promise that giving away Jolly Ranchers and Hersheys would “put Columbia on track to address and ameliorate the previous two years of inconvenience to Morningside Heights.”

Columbia Public Safety Cracks Down on Preschoolers in Neon Vests, Babies in Strollers, Dogs

By Inica Kotasthane

lock down columbia airspace to prevent radical pigeon infiltration

With Columbia’s recent announcement that community members will now be able to enter the 116th gates for the first time in nearly two years, many Morningside Heights residents are excited at the prospect of once again being welcomed on campus. However, Columbia Public Safety has made it clear that these new policies will not come at the cost of campus security. In fact, they have made it clear that QR codes for entry will be heavily enforced for all visitors, regardless of age and species.

“For too long, small children and dogs have been able to enter campus freely if accompanied by a CUID holder,” said Gerald Lewis Jr., Vice President of Public Safety, in a newly released statement to the Columbia community. “These diminutive guests can bring radical ideologies and practices onto our campus, such as ‘nap time’ and ‘fetch.’ The danger that these outside agitators pose to our student body is immeasurable. That’s why our Public Safety officers will now be requiring a valid QR

code for all visitors to Columbia University, not just the ones who are capable of forming complete sentences.”

To understand how the policies were affecting local residents, The Fed spoke to a preschooler, donning the characteristic neon vest, as he held a long rope shared by the rest of his class in the campus entry line. “They ask me for code. But I dunno! I only four years old. My name is Sam. I want my mommy.” The Fed also spoke to a professor’s pomeranian who has frequented

Columbia’s lawns for over six years now. When asked how the updated policy was affecting him, he responded with a profanity-laden “woof!”

The Fed apologizes to readers who may be offended by the publishing of such vulgar language.

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

no masked costumes!

Fedvestigation: Grad Student Trick-or-Treats on Upper East Side Because ‘They Give Out the Big Candy Bars’

By Inica Kotasthane

gotta do what you gotta do

As the weather chills from mid-80s to mid-70s, it's clear to everyone at Columbia University that autumn—and Halloween—is upon us. While the undergraduates are busy ordering corsets made with child labor and stocking up on Fireball, some other (mature) students on campus are choosing to spend the spooky season in a more refined manner: trickor-treating.

The Fed shadowed Herman Sherman, a 4th-year PhD student in the sociology department, on his Hallow’s Eve. “Halloween has always been a really special holiday for me,” Sherman told me over his morning pumpkin spice latte. “It’s an amazing sociological feat, seeing how Americans put aside their differences and public health concerns for one night to hand out candy to the community’s poor. It's one of the closest things we have to communism in this country. Plus, I have a sweet tooth, so I’m always on the hunt for candy!”

At around 5:43pm, Sherman and I boarded the M4 bus. Thirty minutes later, we were on the east side of Central Park, and Sherman practically floated out the back door. “We’re gonna look a little out of place here,” he said as a gaggle of costumed children rushed past us, “so you have to follow my lead, alright?”

Sherman led me to a beautiful brownstone decorated with pumpkins, cobwebs, and fake bats. He ushered me to the back of a line of children waiting for candy. When it was our turn at the front, Sherman whispered, “Follow my lead.”

“And what are you supposed to be?” asked a silver-haired woman wearing a jewelry set worth more than Sherman’s rent for the semester. Sherman eyed the bucket of candy in her arms, filled to the brim with full-sized Hershey’s bars, and Mrs. Moneybags frowned, “You’re quite tall for a trick-or-treater.”

“I’m a gwad student with no empwoyment pwospects!” he exclaimed in a high-pitched voice. I recoiled, suddenly regretting every decision that had landed me the role as an investigative reporter on The Fed. “I’m tall because I had a gwowth spuwt!”

Mrs. Moneybags smiled and pinched his cheek, handing him a chocolate bar. “What a creative costume!” she mused. “Your parents must be so proud. Here, have an extra one.” Sherman stuffed the two candy bars into his messenger bag and thanked the woman with a childish squeal. He then looked at me expectantly.

What I did next is unspeakable. All I can speak on is that Sherman and I had quite the haul of candy

Columbia to Return to Serving Drinks in JJ's Place

By James Coppersmith

about damn time

This morning, Columbia Treasurer Sunil Gulati announced that JJ’s Place will begin serving alcoholic beverages once again to make up the deficit in Columbia’s budget. JJ’s Place was originally opened as “John Jay Pub” in 1939, before closing in 1985 after Ronald Reagan increased the drinking age.

“Our agreement with the federal government wouldn’t let us get all of our funding back, but in return, they promised to turn a blind eye if we sold alcohol to our students,” explained Gulati. “Not only will we make bank, as the drinks are sold separately from the meal swipe, but by being drunk, our students may enjoy JJ’s Place’s food offerings for the first time ever.”

JJ’s drink menu has been released as well, promising:

• Roar-Beer: $20

• Katrina Margarita: $30

• Hard JJ’s Smoothies: $35

• Long Island Iced Tea: $50 after import tariffs (because Long Island is not a borough and never will be)

When we asked Gulati if they would at least take dining dollars to help pay for these expensive offerings, he sloshed beer onto our faces and yelled, “Who do you think we are, Cafe East?!”

I'm on a budget, okay?

by the end of our excursion. “Tell your readers this,” Sherman told me on our bus ride back to the west side. “I’m not proud of what I’ve done. But I’m not ashamed either. You know why?” I shook my head, savoring the melting chocolate on my tongue. “Because nothing tastes sweeter than a big candy bar.”

Butler Library: Columbia’s Hottest Dating App

By Vanessa Wilson

Everyone says the Columbia dating scene is dead, but those people clearly haven’t logged into the most exclusive app on campus: Butler Library. Forget Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble, Butler is the only platform where you can flirt, cry, and cite JSTOR all in one night.

Each floor has its own aesthetic. The 2nd floor is basically Tinder: bright lights, constant noise, and the occasional overheated econ bro yelling into a Zoom call. “I literally met my boyfriend when he asked if I was using the outlet,” a sophomore commented, “I wasn’t, but now I guess I am, for life.”

Move up to the 3rd and 4th floors, and suddenly you’re on Hinge. Everyone looks approachable and sophisticated, like they actually know how to use Chicago style citations. “Tall, dark, handsome, and made three hours of intense eye contact over The Odyssey," confessed Thir Stee, CC ’26. “He never spoke to me, but honestly? That’s the closest thing to intimacy I’ve felt since before midterms.”

find me in the stacks...

Columbia’s version of Raya lies on the legendary 6th floor. It’s silent, chic, and everyone looks like they already have a book deal.

But, of course, lurking beneath it all are the stacks, Columbia’s equivalent of Grindr: dimly lit, unsettling, and home to questionable decisions. “I opened the wrong carrel,” admitted one student, “and I’ll just say… they weren’t studying Lit Hum.”

Like any app, Butler comes with swiping rules. A slammed laptop equals a swipe left. Coyly sliding your AirPod case across the table equals a swipe right. Accidentally stealing someone’s outlet? That’s an instant unmatch. And ghosting? Forget unanswered texts, at Butler, ghosting is literal. One moment they’re there sexily annotating The Republic, and the next they’ve “gone for coffee” and are never seen again.

So, the next time someone complains that Columbia’s dating pool is drier than JJ’s chicken tenders, remind them: Romance isn’t dead. It’s just happening under fluorescent lights and next to a Blue Java Cafe muffin that tastes like cardboard.

Andrew Cuomo Falls into Well While Visiting Amish Country

By Livy Molko

well well well...

As tension builds in the New York City mayoral race, candidates Cuomo and Mamdami are giving their final campaign pushes. Mamdami has opted for a large grassroots movement, turning to social media and garnering support as volunteers knock on doors in every neighborhood of New York City. Cuomo, on the other hand, has decided to take a different approach. Falling behind in recent polling, Cuomo has decided to get a little creative with his campaign strategy.

Survive Five Nights at Dodge Fitness Center: A Walkthrough

By Madeline Basch

is that the bite of '87?

Hey there, Player! Welcome to Five Nights at Dodge, a survival horror simulation where you must endure five grueling weekdays in Satan’s butthole — Columbia’s Dodge Fitness Center. You play as a broke undergraduate student looking to get a good workout session before skipping dinner and downing a Redbull for an all-nighter in Butler. This is your very own guide to navigating these fretful nights. Good luck!

1. Never, never, NEVER do cardio. You will end up walking 5–10 laps around the facility just trying to find an open squat rack, machine, or free weights, so just log it into your steps.

2. Once you find the following, do as prescribed:

• Squat Rack: Do not leave ANY of your belongings on the actual platform itself. Just linger behind the squat rack or dangle from the bars for no apparent reason.

• Machine: Make sure to spend a solid five minutes watching Instagram reels in between each set. If someone asks to work in, say yes, BUT make direct eye contact with them whenever they do their reps.

• Free weights: If you manage to find the 20lb weights, use them for the entirety of your workout, and then do not return them to where you originally found them. Instead, please place them in an undisclosed corner or separate the pair.

3. Please make the most excruciating sounds known to man. This includes but is limited to: grunting, heavy breathing, moaning (without opening your mouth), those little snake “ssss” sounds, groaning, moaning (with opening your mouth), and sensually sighing.

4. Be sure to snort a line of pre-workout before every session. Off the ground is fine.

Cuomo reportedly preserved a positive attitude throughout the entire rescue, allegedly exclaiming, “every vote counts!” after finding out all fourteen of the women rescuing him were Smith’s wives.

A representative from Cuomo’s campaign explains, “we really want to focus on those communities that nobody really knows about, thinks about, or cares about.” This is why Cuomo decided to pay a visit to a small Amish community living in the outskirts of the city, on a little outgrowth of land underneath the Queenborough Bridge. After Amish man Jeremiah Smith showed Cuomo around his suffering carrot farm, Cuomo stepped backwards towards his assistant to grab his hand sanitizer from his manpurse, when he suddenly tripped over an unmarked well. Cuomo hit the bottom of the well with a splash and a thud, letting out a piercing scream as he fell. Hearing a strange squeal coming from the farmland, the amish women in the house grabbed their bonnets and stumbled outside, mistaking Cuomo’s shriek for the mating call of their female goat. However, once they saw commotion around the well, one woman sighed with disappointment, “guess we better go get the well rescue kit.”

5. The best time to have the most enriching experience is from 4:00 PM to 9:00 PM, Monday–Thursday. This has been noted as “Fuck It, Let's Go Wild!” time, where anything (and everything) goes.

Well, there you are, Player! Get ready for your “winter arc” because We Are Five Nights at Dodge!

Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

New York, I'm down here!

Every Day is Halloween For a Twisted Soul Like Mine

By Roar-ee

fighting

my demons

It’s that time of year again. What do you call it? Spooky season? Heh. How simple. For me, the spookiness can’t be confined to one corner of the year, much less Halloween night. For some of us, the nightmare never ends. I wake up screaming because of how I had scary dreams before I woke up. Why? Because my soul is dark and broken, shattered into a trillion pieces by the horrors of the world. And those trillion pieces? Yeah. They’re sharp. Razor sharp.

“What’s gonna be your costume, Roar-Ee?” You buffoon. You don’t know what it’s like to wear a costume every day—to hide your true self behind a mask. Because if someone saw the nightmare that was really behind my eyes, they’d run away. Heh. Just like they all do.

Don’t try to understand me, ok? You’ll only embarrass yourself. Only broken spirits like mine can grasp what lies beneath my friendly facade. And us kindred souls can recognize each other from a mile away. Normies will never know what I’m really going through. Because my demons don’t carry pitchforks or wear little red horns, like your ridiculous outfits. Real demons? They’re invisible.

So next time you see me on the sidelines, just know that there’s so much more to me than you could ever even begin to imagine. And count yourself lucky for that.

Heh. Happy Halloween.

Help! My Parents Actually Came for Parents' Weekend!

By Zoe Silverman

mom, is that my tube top?

It was a courtesy invitation, and I hadn’t even sent it; Columbia did, without even checking if I wanted to see my parents again this soon. Last time my dad came to a frat party, I found him standing in a corner, drinking vodka hidden in a SunnyD bottle and preaching to a group of freshmen I’ve never seen before about the rules of hockey and the best ways to “court” a woman. The discussions were extremely, utterly, and wildly inappropriate, and we were promptly picked up and dropped outside the event by two giant club rugby players. My mother, however, realllllllly leaned into the campus gossip circles. SHE came to ME with information about who posted that one scandalous sidechat post, 2 new failed situationships, and the tea on that one girl who was recently quietly excommunicated from that one dreadfully frightening but iconically toxic friend group - all before I even knew about it, and I live here! She still sends me pictures from the random girls' dis -

posable camera dump accounts she follows. Except she’s a middle-aged woman who pronounces it TokTik and uses her phone flashlight to read menus in restaurants, so how does she have more campus steeze than me?

The fact that they are coming back for round two is keeping me awake at night, and unfortunately, there’s an event in the Diana basement, so locking them down there is no longer an option. So I’m accepting the inevitable: I’ll smile through our Hillary Clinton campus crawl, nod along at lectures on safe drug use (mushrooms should only be taken completely in nature), show up to brunch hungover, and let my mom text my friends “inside jokes.” Then I’ll spend the month post-parents’ weekend scrubbing their footprints from campus like a sinister PR crisis. Next year, I'm planning to hire that one really mean bouncer at Amity to stand between my inbox and my parents. If anyone wants to go halfsies on him...

Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Arts Editor

Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Arts Editor

Hello darkness my old friend

Lin Manuel Miranda as Hamilton Announced as New Columbia President

By Sofia Perez he will never be satisfied

Following the never-ending search for a Columbia president, the Board of Trustees is proud to announce that the search is over! Hallelujah!

“I was walking through campus at golden hour, thinking about how lost this university has become without a president,” an anonymous trustee said, “when, suddenly, my face collided with a firm marble chest. It was the statue of Hamilton. At that moment, the clouds parted, and I heard faint scatting in the distance. The message was clear. I knew it when I saw his fedora-enframed face that Lin-Manuel Miranda should be president of Columbia. I mean — think about it. This school needs the leadership of a founding father.”

When asked by The Fed how he felt about the tough job of being University President, Miranda responded, “Columbia! Mi encanto! Mi encanto!”

Rumour has it that Miranda wants to take a more hands-on approach to the role and has stated he will make immediate changes, alongside his work on a new musical titled Columbia: The Story of One Million Presidents. Miranda’s changes include replacing the MusicHum syllabus with musicals he’s written, increasing the number of essays given out in both CC and LitHum because “Hamilton wrote the other 51,” and if he could do it, so can the students. Any students who are found guilty of academic misconduct must duel their advising dean (to the death, if possible). Miranda has also decided that students should watch Moana instead of reading The Odyssey because they’re basically the same thing, but only one demonstrates his musical genius.

When asked about what he plans to do about Columbia’s endowment crisis, Miranda responded, “I am the chosen one and I am not throwing away my shot.”

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

New High-Tech Elevators at SIPA See Significant Increase in Global Issues Solved

By Katrina M. Luna

Every day, approximately 800 foreign policy nerds go in and out of the brand new, ultra-efficient SIPA elevators. With one minute of waiting saved per student, the school has amassed a collective 32,000 minutes of surplus time to ponder on the world’s most pressing issues. The result? One student researcher at the Center for Development Economics and Policy said they have now found the solution to world hunger. Another said they

now watch me press every button

have found a means to instantaneously reach nine of the United Nations’ seventeen Sustainable Development Goals. The students are scheduled to present their groundbreaking solutions at the UN’s 2nd World Summit for Sustainable Development this November. They plan to bring with them SIPA’s elevator technicians, potentially to replace the UN headquarters' malfunctioning escalators.

New From CCSC: Lerner Haunted House!

By Stella Turowsky-Ganci ferris (boo)th commons

This week, it was announced from the Columbia College Student Council that, while budget cuts have made bouncy houses and fair games unattainable this autumn, they are still committed to making sure that students have activities to partake in that absolutely nobody asked for. So, on October 31st, CCSC will be transforming our beloved Lerner Hall into a fully immersive haunted house for the spooky season!

The Fed has the scoop on what this is going to look like.

When you first enter, you will be greeted with a slew of confusing hallways and uneven ramps. You may not be exactly sure where you are supposed to go next, but don't get it twisted, you won't have much time to think before hordes of hurried bodies are ushering you out of the foyer and into the maze.

You will then proceed up the stairs and arrive at the spookily renamed SCAREiss Boo! Commons, where you will be jump scared by hordes of confused freshmen who don't know how to walk and almost spill entire plates of food on you. If you choose to be REALLY scared, you may also encounter the women's rowing team, who will come at you with their giant backpacks, probably hitting you in the face and not even saying they're sorry.

If you make it through that horror, you

will be ushered into the elevator of doom, which you must ride up to the 5th floor without suffocating due to the fact that there are probably 70 people crammed into that tiny little box.

But don't be fooled, the terror doesn't stop there. Once you get to the fifth floor, you will immediately be bombarded by the dancing demons, or one of the dance teams that has decided to rehearse a complicated dance number in the hallway, and they don't give a fuck that you're trying to walk by. You will also have to be laser focused, as not to trip on the instrument cases that have been strewn about for no apparent reason. While all of this is happening, your ears will be abused by the sensory horror that is the combined sound of seven acapella groups, four people playing insanely complicated piano pieces, a random Finance Club trying to have a meeting, and loud dance music probably coming all the way up from outside Roone Auditorium.

By this point in the experience, you are tired, you are overstimulated, and you are scared shitless. What a fun time!

Here is a message from CCSC: “We can't wait for you all to experience the spooks of Haunted Lerner Hall this Halloween, but if you want a sneak peek, just go to Lerner on any Sunday night! Happy spooky season!”

My Parents Came for Parents Weekend and Found Out I Make Reborn Baby Dolls

By Livy Molko

it's a creative expression, mom!!!

The first hint was the stroller outside my dorm. But the chaos really began when my parents saw the crib next to my bed. “I’m nesting,” I explained to them, as they stood speechless, as though what I was saying was somehow incomprehensible. My mind began to spin, scrambling for acceptance over the massive secret I have been harboring for the past two months.

I never intended to fall so deep into this pit, this torturous yet noble vocation of creativity, dedication, and empathy. But now I am trapped in this lifestyle and am a permanent member of this community. I am woven into the tapestry of this understaffed job of public service. I am a Reborn Baby Doll Etsy Seller. Although the market is slim, the low supply makes for high demand. I sit in my triple room each night, by the light of my

headlamp, with my hand shaking as I painstakingly paint pores onto the silicone baby face with my micro detail paintbrush. The process is tortuous, but making Reborn Dolls is my passion.

It wasn’t until I explained to my dad that I had already made twelve hundred dollars in commission that he finally attempted to understand. “Well, can we see these little dolls?” asked my bewildered mother. I reached down into the crib to show the newest baby I have been working on: a seven-month-old named Scout who has a cleft lip and whose scalp I am almost done sewing on. My mother shrieked at the sight of my sweet creation, and I fell to my knees, begging for validation:

Columbia Sundial to Open Applications to Irish and Italian Students

By Federalist Staff

inclusivity win!

In a move that shocked the Columbia community, the Columbia Sundial recently announced that they would open up several positions that Irish and Italian students could apply to.

“After some extensive internal deliberation, our team decided it would be worth a test run of expanding eligibility for our job applicant pool” stated Sundial head of staffing Timothy Stewardchild. “Especially with how many non-American students are on campus these days, we can’t afford to be picky.”

While the Sundial team was largely in agreement with this next chap-

ter, their readership has expressed some frustration.

“It’s ridiculous, you know?” said Luna Ci, an avid Sundial reader and doomsday oracle operating out of a folding table outside the 116th gates.

“First they let the Irish and Italians in, and then what’s next? Jews? Gays?

The flood gates are open, the world is burning. It’s spiraling out of control.”

The Fed received confirmation that the roles opening to Irish and Italian students include Paper Boy, Meeting Custodian, and Team Chef.

“They’re used for grief therapy! And the elderly love them!”

“You are a disgrace to the family name,” cursed my father. “I wish I’d never signed you up for that damn elementary school painting class.” The two swiftly exited the room in a storm of rage as I wailed in a puddle of my own tears, knocking over my stand of hand-molded custom pacifiers on the way out.

Bite-Sized Science: Assless Chaps Impractical This Season

By Anna Rosenbloom and Abigail Fixel

A study conducted by Columbia’s Economics department found that few students wear assless chaps to class, despite their comfort, style, and inexpensive price. The authors, who hoped to better understand sartorial trends in NYC, confessed they found their results “somewhat surprising.”

“We hypothesize that assless chaps have fallen out of favor because they are too warm for daily wear in summer and spring, but not protective enough against chilly fall and winter weather. Our

findings reveal that students are instead turning to ass-full chaps.”

Their study did uncover that, in general, the student body embraces slutty outfits no matter the season. And, during Halloween and Bacchanal, students report wearing assless chaps with relative frequency. Another team of researchers who reviewed these findings contends that more investigation is required to explain Columbia classes’ assless chapslessness.

Ava Lyon-Sereno /Staff Artist

Majority of Finance Clubs Possessed By Demonic Entities

By Kimberly Wing netherworld correspondent

A 13-year investigation at The Fed has finally concluded to confirm that a majority of finance clubs on campus secretly worship chthonic beings of old.

Equipped with silver rings, holy water, and sage, brave Fed reporters scoured campus to contribute to this shocking coverage. This investigation saw significant delays due to undercover journalists mysteriously disappearing at finance club meetings.

“When I joined as a freshman, I didn’t expect the club to worship Beelzebub,” Jennifer Zbodee, president of the Association for Student Stockholders, stated. “But honestly, sacrificing one or two applicants is worth it. His Darkness is the reason why we get a lot of club funds.”

The finance club application process, which includes rigorous essays and interviews, can be attributed to the particular tastes of demons. Clubs choose the best candidates as sacrifices, lest they want their de -

monic overlord to sentence them to a career in public finance.

“Pazuzu is a picky fella. He likes freshmen who are trying to go into private equity and show up to their club interview with a suit and resume,” Unho Lee, director of recruitment for the Data Investing Coalition for Knowledge, explained as he draped himself in a dark cloak. Behind him, other e-board members used whiteboard markers to draw a mystical circle around a timid freshman. “Everyone who gets accepted into the club has to do this. At least it’s not hazing!”

Lee turned and squeezed a single lemon stolen from John Jay onto the freshman. Eboard members began to chant “RECTUS DOMINUS” as the freshman’s eyes rolled back. A bright red flame consumed the circle, and Pazuzu—a demonic deity from Mesopotamian religion—appeared. The chthonic figure spoke to his sacrifice in ancient Sumerian, making a pact of some sorts, before disap -

Columbia and Barnard Dining Announce ‘Round Up for Columbia ’ Program

By Simon Leton

feeling generous?

On October 15, 2025, Columbia and Barnard Dining announced a new program that will encourage students to support the University by rounding up to the nearest dollar on any on-campus purchases made using Dining Dollars or Flex. Vice President of Dining Vicki Dunn framed the “Round Up for Columbia” program in a university-wide email as “an opportunity to show school pride and support the continuance of the University in the midst of attacks on higher education.”

“Just think how an additional contribution of just a few more nickels and dimes could advance Columbia’s mission,” the Vice President said in an interview with The Columbia Federalist

Some students have pushed back on the scheme as “cheap,” “tasteless,” and even “exploitative,” considering that Columbia’s endowment currently stands at $15 billion, and annual undergraduate tuition exceeds $96,000. Undergraduates appeared particularly concerned about the implementation of the program. Before declining the upcharge, which will remain optional, Barnard students will be required to swipe through a 6-page slideshow of the 77 staff members laid off in July, while Columbia students will have to click past a traumatic caricature of Roar-ee the Lion.

This change is part of the University’s efforts to increase funding and revenue in the

pearing. The freshman was left with a mysterious mark burned into his forearm.

Finance clubs are everywhere, and they’re always recruiting. The Fed can only advise readers to seek refuge in Columbia’s St. Paul's Chapel if approached by a finance club affiliate.

face of recent financial setbacks. Columbia agreed in July to pay the Federal Government a fine of $221 Million, and other changes include the recent addition of a $3 fare on the George Washington Bridge/Fort Lee Shuttle, and a New York Times leak indicating that Columbia will implement a $2 ‘congestion fee’ at the 116th/Broadway entrance come November.

Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Arts Editor

Scariest Thing You Can Be This Halloween: Chopped

By Sophia Perez

you fit right in!

Do people shudder at the sight of you? Do little kids run from you out of fear that you’re the Boogeyman their parents keep warning them about? Are you stressed about what to wear for Halloween because your chopped ass will bring the Sigaween vibe down?

If your answer was yes to all, do not panic! That’s what The Fed is for! We have curated a perfect, cunty list of amazing costumes to ensure that uglies can also have a great time at Halloween parties! Remember to use these hashtags and tag The Fed in your pictures if you decide to go with any of these costumes!

GHOSTFACE:

Might be one of the easiest costumes to pull off if you're the mayor of Uggo Ville. For some reason, everyone is so incredibly attracted to the character that they will even ask you to keep the mask on during sex! Slay! Also, since black

is super slimming, your body will look so tea in that cloak! #Killer?IHardlyKnowHer!

ZOMBIE:

Again, super easy! Just apply a shit ton of makeup and scars to your face! Even if you half-ass it, people will still assume your face is that fucked up on purpose! They’ll just assume you’re a super fun and sexy person who really commits to their costume! Where you see a musty face, they see a method actor! You’ll definitely get brain in this costume! #BiteMeBaby!

GHOST:

Ever wished you could just drape a sheet over your face and hide from the world? Now’s your chance! This costume is the definition of mysterious and nonchalant! Try out new characters, new voices, and new personalities with no consequences! Also, while people are breaking the bank

Halloween Marks One Night of Year When Straight Guy Dresses Nice

By Beau Gantz

Per several eyewitness accounts from East Campus, Halloween night will be the first—and only—night of the year that a straight guy dresses decently. Junior comp-sci major Ed Torrowmail spends 12 months out of the year wearing t-shirts, sweatpants, out-of-season shorts, and one single pair of Nike’s. This October, however, rumours abound that as part of his costume (which will allegedly be “Guy from Succession”), Ed will debut a button-up shirt and even a washed pair of non-sweatpants pants.

“I’ve never seen him in a shirt with a collar,” Torrowmail’s best friend told The Fed, “I can barely recognize him without a beer logo on his clothing.” Ed has expressed concerns about the outfit, saying “I’m worried that the jacket makes me look gay, or that it looks like I’m trying in any way shape or form.” Among his inner circle, however, the change is welcome. “I think he looks nice,” Ed’s girlfriend said, “now we just have to work on the hair.”

on Amazon corsets, you can just use one of your sheets! Don’t want to deal with washing them at the end of the night? Use your roommate’s! Now, you have the moral high ground since you saved money and didn’t support Jeff Bezos! #MourningWood!

ROAR-EE THE LION OR MILLIE THE BEAR:

Nothing is sexier than school pride! Everyone who’s ever been lucky enough to meet Roar-ee will agree that there’s something so undeniably alluring about him. Plus, this is the only furry costume that—realistically—is socially acceptable to wear, even on Halloween. With this costume, everyone will see your inner wild side without having to see your outer animal face! #PounceOnMe!

Remember: Beauty fades, but ugly is forever! Happy Halloween!

Brave Columbia Man Leverages Liberal Arts Education At DC Landmine Startup

By Anna Rosenbloom and Abigail Fixel

Many Columbia graduates find themselves pursuing professions in the startup space after graduation. One intrepid student “stumbled upon” what he described as a “mind-blowing” opportunity when he was offered a position at NoLegs Inc. He will work as an engineer for the company, which specializes in landmine production and design. “User experience is so important to the work we do,” he explained, as he hopes to revolutionize the way average people interact with antipersonnel explosives. He’s excited to experience their work culture: “They put just enough pressure on employees to really facilitate a creative explosion.”

He has already reached out to local news outlets in the hopes of moonlighting as an inspirational speaker, citing his journey from “broke student” to “champion of world peace, limb by limb.” When

asked about the impact his educational background has had on his career, his response was heartwarming: “I’m very grateful to have had the opportunity to read the SparkNotes of Homer’s Odyssey and watch recordings of most of my Java lectures on 1.5 speed. Columbia’s commitment to pounding students with mind-numbing tasks while discouraging any interrogation of their purpose has prepared me well for this next professional stage. As ChatGPT said Descartes said, ‘I think therefore I am.’ Well I’m thinking I’m ready to help blow up more kids in the third world.”

A spokesperson for Columbia Career Services praised his achievement, noting that “it’s inspiring to see our graduates shaping the world, one leg at a time.”

Stella

Turowsky-Ganci/Arts Editor

explosive potential

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

Barnard College Officially Shuts Down, Campus Becomes a Spirit Halloween

By Kimberly Wing

finally profitting

Due to the shocking debt accumulated last fall, and the numerous controversies surrounding the institution, Barnard College announced that they have made the difficult decision to officially shut down all operations by Friday.

After severe backlash about student displacement, in another unexpected turn of events, President Rosenbury announced this morning that the College will be rented out and temporarily transformed into a Spirit Halloween, which will provide shortterm housing and job accommodations for students.

A copy of the Spirit Halloween floor plans was provided to The Fed:

• The Milstein Center will serve as a 16-floor costume and accessories section.

• The Diana Center will sell Halloween-themed collectibles, plushies, and Funko Pops.

• Barnard Hall will display animatronics for sale.

• Milbank Hall will sell various Halloween decorations.

• Hewitt Dining Hall will serve as a storage room.

When asked about how students should adjust to the shocking change, a Barnard spokesperson stated, “A lot of Barnard Baddies have good fashion taste for Halloween, especially for trick-ortreating and parties, so they will be naturals

as Spirit salespeople. Plus, four weeks is adequate time for students to figure out what they want to do now that their college doesn’t exist anymore. We’re being perfectly reasonable.”

The Fed reached out to Barnard Media Relations for another statement regarding the campus’s fate after the Spirit Halloween closes, but received no reply. Today at 3:37 AM, however, a student reported seeing Barnard administrators and trustees wearing shiesties and hauling large sacks of cash while climbing out of a Milbank Hall window.

False Alarm: Furnald Still Virgin Safe Haven

By Gabriel Olano

We all heard the hot news on the street last week. Furnald resident Elmer Edwards had worked up the courage to leave his room and do his laundry when he saw it: a condom missing from Furnald’s sturdy supply. The news spread like fire – it was a real fall semester miracle! A win for little old Columbia in a time of so many losses.

Suddenly, new reports of Furnald’s declining condom inventory were cropping up each day. Tuesday saw a decrease of 12. By Thursday, a total of 47 condoms had been taken. The amount of sex happening in Furnald was simply unheard of. Leading experts on the subject gathered around the theory that, filled with years of negated horniness, the Furnaldians had quickly moved past monogamy and discovered orgies.

Photographer Wins 35mm Photograph Competition

By Andrew Barth

Photographer Forrest Lenker recently won the NYU photography competition for his incredible 35mm raw photograph of his duo-crosspoly, committed, primary-second partner-once-removed cheating on him with his tertiary, second-degree ex-situationship at a hardcore Bushwick party.

Lenker describes the photo as “evocative but provocative, but like, totally gets you thinking, dude.” In the film shot, neutral lighting tones contrast the Marlboro Red smoke of manipulative Carhartt-wearing bros on one side of the frame with the Spirit Blacks smoke of the carabinercarrying Park Slope butches on the other side. While Lenker was distracted fumbling around with all the dials “to get the aperture right” on his eleven pound camera his primary-second partner, Sequoia, started to hook up with his second-degree ex-situationship, Jaynx. Lenker hauled this “beastly but feastly machine” around openly to flex on the plebs who prefer to use their phone camera rather than 110 dollar rolls of arcane knowledge that became outdated before Yoko Ono stopped showing skin (or as Lenker describes it, his own personal 311). Yes, poor Lenker may have been born in the wrong generation: the good old days when mediocre white guys could still rely on their trust funds to purchase New York real estate has long since passed. Gone are the days where a performative Ritz-y cracker could wife up at Woodstock. Perhaps these meditations crossed the mind of Lenker as he snapped his 35mm raw photo.

The fallout from the picture was instantaneous, Jaynx had been strictly banned from their eight-person polycule due to their lack of participation in the Polaroid boycott of ‘24. Sequoia since apologized reminding everyone her immense grief after the loss of her aunt’s cat last year which “like totally gave her an undiagnosed anxiety disorder,” and that’s not even to mention her traumatic upbringing in Tribeca where her family “didn’t even have that much money, like, compared to everyone else there.” Lenker admits though that not all are happy with his prestigious award, as indeed notorious polycule member, Leaf, left in the wake of the photograph for Lenker’s “biphobic bigotry,” and took with them another notable polycule member, Grass. In the end, Lenker feels gratified by the award and is excited to continue “expressing, like, my soul in this naked, raw way to anyone who will listen.” a read for the intellectuals

All of Morningside hunted for a Furnald resident to invite them to the ‘Furnies’, as now-debunked videos began surfacing of the supposed encounters, leading “Furnald twink” to reach top 30 trending on XVideos.

On day 5 of the anomaly, Mothers for a Virgin Furnald appeared as a leading voice as they started conversations with administration to investigate the issue, threatening to sue over paperwork that promised their kids would only kind of figure out hand stuff by the end of the year.

Strangely, despite being the talk of the town, nobody seemed to be able to get a hold of any of the sex-havers. The headlines turned towards the idea of a secret society, the “Horn Lords” as the Spectator called

them. But one thing didn’t make sense: Why wouldn’t they want to talk about all the sex they were having?

Then came the collapse. This Monday, a security guard caught a gaggle of six Carman freshmen stuffing their pockets with condoms from the Furnald basement. Interrogations from all seven of Columbia’s different offices of disciplinary investigation revealed nothing to the public, but The Fed’s own anonymous insider from the crew said that they were “just a lot gentler around the base” than Carman’s supply.

So came the end to the story of sex in Furnald. While all throughout there were plenty of skeptics doubting the virility of Furnald as a sex-inducing space, we at The Fed say it’s always nice to believe in the beyond.

Isabella Palit/Arts Editor

Across:

1. Brief, awkward answer to the question, Wanna go out sometime?

2. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?

5. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?

8. A cheap mummy costume, or something used to wipe

10. If I were to worship Alma Mater, I might do this at her feet

12. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a tiger’s den?

15. The Kingsmen serenaded the grand opening of this chicken restaurant

17. Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to ___

20. With Fru, a treat at the center of much recent campus discourse

21. A command to a dog, often before they can have a treat

22. A black flying creature, or a means of whacking such a creature

23. A pronoun few and far between at Barnard

24. On forms, December 25th for Jesus

26. Proponents of the Free the Nip Movement discard this

28. See 7 down

29. A Vietnamese last name, or two letters that make a velar nasal sound in English 30. __ Hammer, whom you simply can’t touch

31. With 36 across, and an intervening “no,” Sister Cindy’s catchy slogan

32. A charged particle

33. I’ve got a big, fat ___ - Nicki Minaj 34. When you enter this (abbreviated) building from Law Bridge, you’re on the sixth floor

35. A sound of understanding

36. See 31 across

37. With sha, a method for getting a snatched jaw line

38. A club that might worry about blizzards

39. A relatively unpopular card game short one “b,” or the time of life when a baby isn’t in a bed

43. Naked angel baby

45. A baseball stat

46. What Kevin did in Home Alone before he confronted the robbers

47. Popular ____, a chill oxymoron

48. The first word in the title of that New Year’s song minus the “u”

49. JFK’s (ew, sorry) direction relative to us

50. Before O, repeated on Old McDonald’s farm

52. Not a Dr., Ms., or Mrs.

53. You (in the accusative), for Cicero

54. An alternative to columns

58. No, no, not a place to get a beer for Santa’s helpers, just a vape

62. Lollipops, or people who fall for an email claiming that Rosenbury finally stepped down

63. You, for playing the crossword, or a pretty mid candy

Down:

1. Cornell’s (ew, sorry) direction relative to us

2. By itself, maybe goth, emo, or punk, but with -right, a scary pipeline

3. Who you hide your candles and bottles from 4. Where you scrub-a-dub-dub

5. Boo-thang

6. Atop of

7. With 28 Across, a comfy time to scroll

9. This requirement can be satisfied with yoga, pilates, or tai chi at Barnard

10. Short for “brothers,” but an extension of “bros” that can be used in its place

11. What side of a cat has the most fur?

12. A sophisticated form of tobacco I have yet to see in front of Butler

13. When you lose hearts in Minecraft, you take ___

14. Someone who inscribes things in stone

15. People who are old AND ugly (double whammy…)

16. A shorter way of saying “And please contact me soon”

18. A kind of animal you could see in the subway, perhaps dragging a slice of pizza with it

19. With toil, it’s double-double’d in Macbeth

20. A used tissue, e.g.

Crossword answers on socials & website

21. The “You’re not you when you’re hungry” candy, or a rude thing he/she/they does when someone trips down Low Steps

25. What’s a ghost’s favorite fruit?

27. What an eraser, while taking an exam, is an example of 40. The midwestern state abbreviation that sounds sick

41. SEAS students have a rep for this emanating from them…

42. The indefinite article used before words that start with a vowel

44. The sound a seal makes, or a type of crossing

51. Letters of debt

52. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the ground?

55. A toilet in the UK

56. Repeated at least three times, the sound to make when you drop your Hydroflask #VSCO

57. Dot your I’s and cross your __

58. “Is” in Costa Rica

59. Your favorite defense contractor and ballistic missile manufacturer, abbreviated

60. After do, re, and mi

61. The first two letters of two boroughs, or something to say when cold

Sophia Brown/Games Editor