Volume XLIII • Issue 1 • September 2025
the Columbia's Only Newspaper That Loves Mom and Dad Equally
THE TEAM EDITORIAL BOARD Feditors-in-Chief Oliver Green Inica Kotasthane Managing Editors Aron Shklar Zoe Silverman Head Submissions Editors Beau Gantz Livy Molko
GENERAL BOARD Publisher Valerie Yum Arts Editors Isabella Palit Stella Turowsky-Ganci Head Copy Editor Clara Neilson-Papish Head Layout Editor Kamtoya Okeke Social Media Editor Reza Shayesteh Online Editor Kimberly Wing Games Editor Sophia Brown Social Chair & Minister of Mischief Sasha Maroulis Senior Advisor Dani Winkler
STAFF Submissions Editors Oliver Green Inica Kotasthane Ava Lyon-Sereno Sasha Maroulis Clara Neilson-Papish Zoe Silverman Reza Shayesteh Aron Shklar Dani Winkler Valerie Yum Copy Editors Michelle Barsoum Sophia Brown Divya Chaudhry Sydney Kelble Inica Kotasthane Ava Lyon-Sereno
2
Copy Editors (cont.) Sophia Mariano Ariel Mura Nicole Pi Julia Ryan Aron Shklar Emily Song Joshua Thorne Winston Vuong Jaylen Wright Valerie Yum Layout Editors Safa Al-Naser Michelle Barsoum Liz Lewis Sophia Mariano Zach Morais Ariel Mura Julia Ryan Marina Senderos Alix Sivolella Iris Tang Joshua Thorne Staff Writers Andrew Barth Madeline Basch Sophia Brown James Coppersmith Beau Gantz Oliver Green Sydney Kelble Inica Kotasthane Helen Liang Ava Lyon-Sereno Aron Shklar Sophia Mariano Sasha Maroulis Livy Molko Clara Neilson-Papish Anna Rosenbloom Julia Ryan Reza Shayesteh Zoe Silverman Yusuf Perwez Nina Tekriwal Joshua Thorne Stella Turowsky-Ganci Victor Uceda-Sosa Kimberly Wing Dani Winkler Valerie Yum Staff Artists Syd Finver Kesang Gawa Ava Lyon-Sereno Jennifer Wang Caitlynn Year
Letter From the Feditors
Dear Reader,
After a summer of turning pretty, voting people off of Love Island, and jetsetting across Europe, our Columbia community has returned home (or whatever New York City is considered for Midwestern transplants). We at The Fed are thrilled to get back to what we do best: not doing any readings and hemorrhaging our measly student worker wages on Hooda Halal. This fall, everything on campus seems to be growing: class sizes, the size of Public Safety bunkers, the number of unread emails from school administrators… well, everything except for the College Walk trees. The Fed’s growing too, as we received a near-record number of article submissions and, as result, are printing a big ol’ issue packed with them. We’ve expanded our content as well, and this issue includes an original comic and a crossword puzzle, both present on the pages of The Fed for the first time in many, many moons. We hope this issue makes you, like us, wonder about what the hell’s going on in Wien, and we’re delighted to share writing from more diverse set of voices than ever before, including an aspiring clown, a Minion, a legacy student, a couple of Sophias, and our very own Online Editor. Our cover also features President Shipman for what might be the last time… let’s hope that the fifth (and final!) university president for the Class of 2026 is just as easy to draw as she was. As the leaves fall from the trees and the penis fountains shrink in the cold, we hope this issue gives you a chuckle or two, or at the very least, something to distract yourself from the loss of your summer situationship. Your newly-defrosted Feditors-in-Chief, Inica Kotasthane & Oliver Green Cover by Isabella Palit
TABLE OF CONTENTS PAGE 3: est. one million freshmen
PAGE 16: stories of self-actualization
PAGE 4: important policy updates
PAGE 17: STOP tracking me, mom
PAGE 5: oh to be young again...
PAGE 18: matcha & biometrics
PAGE 6: drinks to drink
PAGE 19: things are getting desperate…
PAGE 7: new leadership
PAGE 20: extracurriculars
PAGE 8: conversation starters
PAGE 21: feng shui
PAGE 9: too many darn freshmen
PAGE 22: (six) 7 ate 9
PAGE 10: back to school advice
PAGE 23: columbiafederalist.com
PAGE 11: getting political PAGE 14: i got yelled at in the JJ’s express line PAGE 15: what’s going on in Wien Volume XLIII Issue 1
it's a hard knock life
Barnard College to Sell "Entry Swipes" Packages to Enter Campus
By Kimberly Wing
too pricey to skip class---get that ROI
In an attempt to solve its crippling debt issue, Barnard College has implemented a meal plan-like system that automatically charges students on their BCID every time they scan onto campus. For the 2025-2026 academic year, students can choose from the following bulk plans: •
Platinum Entry Plan: 19 swipes per week; $8,979 - full year, $4,489.50 - semester •
First-Year students living in campus housing are required to enroll in the Platinum Plan, regardless of which residence hall they are assigned to.
•
Flex 150 Entry Plan: 150 swipes per term - $6,163 - full year, $3,081.50 - semester
•
Flex 125 Entry Plan: 125 swipes per term - $4,962 - full year, $2,481 - semester
•
Flex 75 Entry Plan: 75 swipes per term - $2,822 - full year, $1,411 - semester
• Flex 30 Entry Plan: 30 entry swipes per term - $1,304 - full year, $652 - semester All enrolled full-time students not participating in an approved study abroad program must be enrolled in a Barnard entry swipe plan. Should students run out of swipes before the end of the semester, additional entry swipes may be purchased individually via the Barnard CARES website. Any unused entries are forfeited at the end of each semester. In response to The Fed reaching out for comment on this shocking implementation, Barnard Media Relations responded with this picture:
Isabella Palit/Arts Editor
Columbia to House Overenrolled Freshmen in Tents on Butler Lawns By Federalist Staff
yay COÖP forever
Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist
September 2025
Columbia has long strained itself to support our increasingly large student body. Upon walking into John Jay at 7:00 PM, it is not rare to see students stacked upon each other’s laps due to a lack of seating, and at Dodge Fitness Center, you’ll see students benching one another in lieu of extremely in-demand weights. Despite this, earlier this year, President Shipman announced that Columbia would be admitting about 20% more students than previous years for the class of 2029, spawning one central question above all: where would they live? While Columbia continued its tradition of displacing people from their homes by kicking some residents out of Wien to place the freshmen there,
this still left about 100 freshmen with nowhere to live. This morning, Shipman announced that she would be housing these students in tents on Butler lawns. They will be charged 50% more for their housing due to the “operations cost” of pitching the tents. Additionally, the tents will be exclusively doubles, granting each student a companion to provide warmth through the imminent winter term. While many have raised concerns over temperature and weather, Shipman assured them that the collective students’ body heat would keep them alive and that the tents add a warm, lively atmosphere to campus, as she has consistently and always believed.
Studies estimate that manhattan will be 80% Freshmen by 2030
3
too many rules these days
Columbia Public Safety Officers Will No Longer Permit Students to Pass Checkpoints if ID Photo “Too Chopped” by Yusuf Perwez
uggos stay safe
RAs Start DNA Testing Shower Hairballs By Nina Tekriwal
baldies you're safe
You’ve seen them. I’ve seen them. We’ve all seen them. Hair in sinks, drains, and spread across shower walls (sometimes in the shape of erotic graphics). RAs are tired of it. For centuries, resident students have gotten away with putting their hair wherever they want. No more. RA Liz Fugle, a student who is researching how to clone complete human individuals at CC, says “We had to take matters into our own hands. Residential bathroom hairballs isn’t the full bush in a bikini that everyone thinks it is.” Fugle, being the biochemistry student she is, decided to start collecting hair in
4
A Public Safety officer interviewed for the article expanded on the issue, stating “You guys know your pictures pop up on our screens, right? Max resolution, 2500x1800, fully plastered across the monitor. I don’t wanna see all that every time you need to enter through the main gate, or go back into your dorm.” Columbia Public Safety officers will be receiving guides for assessing ID photo “choppedness” as of the start of next week. These social credit scores will include criteria such as lighting, background, and the extent to which the student in question looks like they’re being held at gunpoint. In response to the changes, the ID Center announced on Tuesday that it will be tripling the price for student ID reprints effective immediately.
Isabella Palit/Arts Editor
Following the recent increases in campus security at Columbia University, Columbia Public Safety has again announced a major change to the checkpoint system around campus. In addition to the existing requirement for students to scan in with their Columbia or Barnard College ID, students’ ID photos will now be assessed on a scale of “chopped” to “not chopped” before entry through any safety checkpoint is allowed. “Some of these photos we’ve been getting, they’re just ridiculous,” explains Gerald Lewis Jr., Vice President of the Public Safety department. “I mean, the students themselves are just fine. But some of them have the most unbelievable ID photos—like, learn to take a picture man.”
sandwich sized Ziploc bags and brought them to her lab space (on grant, mind you) and began to use advanced DNA testing methods to identify the perpetrator. She says, “I have identified the main perpetrators but have yet to give them their appropriate punishment. Rest assured, soon they will meet the full wrath of a broken woman who has stepped on hairy drains one too many times. Rest assured, soon they will meet the full wrath of a broken woman who has stepped on hairy drains one too many times.” The Office of Residential Life advises students to clean up after themselves.
shoutout to chunc
Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Arts Editor
Columbia Announces Gate Extensions By Ava Lyon-Sereno
when one door closes, another opens
In a new press release, Columbia officials have announced they are extending campus gates. "As the fall semester approaches, we want to restate our commitment to ensuring safety for all members of our community. In consideration of these goals, all gates will be extended upwards and over the campus, meeting in the middle to form a gridded roof. This delightful little cage (we like to call it “Roar-ee’s Cozy Zoo!”) will ensure total protection from
anything that could disrupt campus life, including but not limited to: people who have opinions on current events, your elderly grandmother that you did not register for visiting access early enough, or the common Harlem resident." University representatives reassured the Columbia community not to worry, as the gates will be "wide enough to fit NYPD drones through, for the classic, homey surveillance students expect and adore."
Volume XLIII Issue 1
under new management
I Lived It: I Got Rejected From 1020 By Zoe Silverman
didn't want to be there anyway
I woke up last Wednesday morning and could feel the excitement in the air; it was the first senior night of the school year, my first senior night as a senior, and the first excuse to drink near campus! The feeling was even better than Christmas morning! I spent my day yearning for the luxurious, comfortable oasis of a sauna that is Amity. When someone would step on my foot on college walk, or spill their drink on me as they scooched around my desk in a crowded lecture, I would be transported to all my past claustrophobic, sweaty panic attacks in the Amity downstairs bathroom, and excitement would flood my veins. Nothing could have prepared me for the horrors that were to come. I made my way to the front of the line at Amity with ease. I mean, I am a senior now after all; what is that worth if I can't
push a freshman just to feel something? But something about Amity wasn’t filling the hole in my heart where campus bars reside, so I made my way over to 1020. Again, as a senior, on senior night, who is over 21, and drinks responsibly. But then, it happened. A moment that would come to define the evening and the rest of my senior year: I was promptly rejected from entering. I looked through the bars of my jail cell: that velvet rope separating me from the world as I knew it. My Christmas was stolen from me. I made heavy eye contact with the freshmen frolicking inside, and my heart dropped to my feet. I have yet to recover. Freshman year, at age 17, while sitting inside said bar, someone bet me 100 dollars that no one had ever been denied entrance to 1020. Well, Max (another transfer lost to Brown), I will hunt you down. Pay up.
Isabella Palit/Arts Editor
Admissions Report Reveals Columbia Still Admitting Freshmen Into Class of 2029 By Oliver Green correction: THREE things are infinite, einstein
Isabella Palit/Arts Editor
September 2025
Following up on their announcement that the Class of 2029 is the largest enrolled class in Columbia history, Columbia Admissions released a new report today revealing the university is actually still in the process of admitting more freshmen to the already record-breaking grade. In fact, since the first day of classes, 146 new students have reportedly been added to the freshman class—some even mid-lecture. Our reporters obtained an exclusive interview with one such student, Harris Mills: “I was walking outside Columbia’s campus, and I mumbled aloud to myself, ‘This seems like a nice place to go to school.’ Before I knew it, an admissions officer grabbed my arm, whisked me through the gates, accepted me into the school, kicked a junior out of Wien, put some GS students out onto the street, and wrote my parents
easier to get into Columbia than 1020
an invoice for the full tuition.’” We reached out to an admissions officer for their insight into why Columbia has continued to admit even more freshmen, to which they replied with this emoji: . Although the Class of 2029 has already broken records, Columbia doesn’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. Leaked admissions files have revealed that the university is hoping for exponential growth: by November the Class of 2029 will be larger than last year’s entire student population, and by March it will exceed the current population of Manhattan. The reasoning for this growth is unclear, but many speculate administrators are hoping this will help them finally outnumber “those pesky little average New Yorkers who always get in our way.”
5
what do they put in these???
Paul’s Baby Grand Can’t Keep Up, Shuts Doors Permanently By Sonia Freedman oh baby, baby, baby, oh
Caitlynn Year/Staff Artist
Haiku to Diana Smoothies By Ava Lyon-Sereno
Swipe or Points?
Drinking the green one I feel like a strong, swift horse Academic beast
Heartbreaking cries echoed across campus last night as highly disturbing news broke: Paul’s Baby Grand is officially shutting down. In response, the students of the European variety have erected a roadside memorial at 115th and Amsterdam for anyone who wishes to join them in mourning. They have requested that all passersby not wear jeans, athletic wear, or sneakers at that corner out of respect. This announcement arrived on the heels of Columbia’s new campus policies, which have adjusted access to the campus through extended hours, additional gates, and an enhanced security system. After waiting in a 15-minute line, rushed students will now have the opportunity to tap their ID on two machines and be manually checked in by a security officer to ensure that nobody under 21—sorry, no non-Columbia affiliates— can gain entry. Due to these changes, Columbia’s beloved NoCo entrance has now been named one of the top 10 hardest doors in NYC, bumping Paul’s Baby Grand clean off the list. Massive crowds of young people now wait outside of Columbia’s doors, eager to try their luck and see what the hype is all
about (or maybe just go to class). Worse, students now spend so much time in the Columbia lines that it’s already 11 PM by the time they even get to class, leaving them no time to UberXL to Paul’s. Without the time to go downtown, clubs such as Jean’s, Joyface, and Gospel have joined Paul’s pleas for financial assistance. Sources close to Mr. BabyGrand himself—also known as Paul—reported to The Fed that he felt so embarrassed by this knock that he is closing down all Paul’s franchises permanently, effective immediately. In his final executive summary letter, he wrote, “If Columbia students can’t come drinking with unemployed 40-year-olds on a Tuesday night, why am I even in this business?” The Feds trusted source also recently revealed that fortunately his spirits have been lifted by the old Columbia proverb as quoted by Acting University President Claire Shipman in her most recent email: “Columbia’s kind of like a club if there was no dancing or music or illegal activities, but still a lot of people that were scared to make eye contact with each other.”
New Study on Alcohol Seems to Think It Can Tell You How to Live Your Life annoyance or intervention?
A new study investigating the long-term consequences of heavy alcohol use apparently thinks it has the right to tell you how to live your life. The study, published in the Columbia Medical Review, thinks that it gets to criticize you for your own damn choices. While the results of the investigation are incon-
6
clusive, they certainly seem to suggest that you’re making poor decisions or whatever. It really doesn’t make sense why the study thinks it gets to tell you--an American--- what to do. Many questions remain unanswered; however, the researchers are yet to determine where exactly they got the impression that they know what’s best for you.
#independence #free will #america
Isabella Palit/Arts Editor
By Beau Gantz
Volume XLIII Issue 1
#notmypresident
Bulk SZN or Cuffing SZN? Barnard Dining Hall Gets Taken Over by Columbia’s Male Athletes on the Hunt for Trophy Wives and Better Nutrition
By Helen Liang
application required
Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Arts Editor
Biden’s Burden: The Checkmate of One Sad, Sad Prostate By Sophia Brown alas, poor prostate
There was a gland. I am that gland. I work all day, all night. A rueful life, I know I’m damned I’ve no hope of respite. Ev’ry wipe brings pitiful pain. I long to waste away. Beware the nodes, an old refrain. God, please end me today. As a draftee in a battle, The war not one of choice, My one wish to be biop’d out, And then could I rejoice. Alas, my life is spoken for, The goal of it: stay on a bike! But do remember, I implore, A little gland, so tight.
September 2025
Following the start of students’ meal plans this academic year, several Barnard students have observed an alarming influx of testosterone at Hewitt Dining Hall. Hewitt Dining Hall is one of the few places on campus that candidly displays both the caloric and protein content of each culinary creation, so it’s an obvious choice for a football player looking to gain some muscle. But as the ogling and unsolicited workout advice continues, Hewitt patrons have begun to wonder: Are these men really here for the food, or are they looking to get themselves a Barnard baddie? Don’t they know we’re all either lesbians or emotionally unavailable? One Barnard student angrily told The Fed, “I was in Hewitt grabbing my kosher, halal, vegan, gluten-free, dairy-free, low-carb water, when all of a sudden I turned around to find six feet of muscle staring down at me with a bowl of unseasoned dryer-than-my-bankaccount grilled chicken, asking me if the tofu
was creatine-infused!” More Barnard students were reportedly seen dodging clouds of protein powder, and Hewitt staff have added a “grunt-free” section to the dining hall, though enforcement has proven difficult. One basketball player was allegedly spotted handing out resumes to prospective mates advertising the following: • 8% body fat • Cried during the Barbie movie • Understands clitoral stimulation Following a particularly disturbing incident involving the cornering of Barnard’s singular straight student like a rare Pokemon, the Barnard SGA released a statement requiring that all romantic advances towards Barnard students be submitted via Google Form. This form will include space for submitters to indicate their bench press PR and a notarized affidavit affirming that they know what Plan B is.
Columbia Biology Researchers Develop New President in a Lab By James Coppersmith
double, double toil and trouble
This morning, the Office of the Secretary has announced that they’ve found Columbia’s next president. The catch: they aren’t born yet. Just hours ago, the Columbia trustees announced that they have been working with the biology department to develop Columbia’s next president in a lab under Havemeyer. “We used all of the data collected from the Presidential Search survey and amalgamated the results into a neural network that will be implanted into the subject’s brain,” explained the head researcher, Brian E. Ack. When asked by The Federalist how they were able to handle
stem relevance ig
thousands of entries of data, Ack clarified, “We only used the survey data submitted by university donors. We didn’t even intend to send the survey out to students and faculty—that was a technical error caused by the CUIT hack.” Ack and the trustees announced that they intend to have the subject ready to deploy by next semester, but they’re still working out some bugs in the meantime. “We played God a little too hard and accidentally gave it a soul,” explained Ack. “We have been working day and night to remove it, as we fear the subject will not be able to fulfill its role with it intact.”
7
Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist
i miss NSOP
Welcome, Freshmen! Here Are Some Exciting Questions to Really Get the Most Out of Your Conversations: By Julia Ryan time to spread your wings!
1. What’s your name? 2. What’s your major? 3. Where are you from? • If you are from the same state: What city are you from? • If you are from the same city: What neighborhood are you from? • If you are from the same neighborhood: What house do you live in? 4. If you are from the same house: Remind your mother that you are in college now and need space and independence. 5. What clubs are you joining? 6. Mom, can you please go away? I’m trying to make friends. 7. I’m sorry about my mom. What’s your Instagram? 8. Fine, Mom, I’ll ask. Do you want to do lunch sometime? Final (and most important!) step: Never talk to them again and avoid eye contact in the elevator. Thankfully, your mom would love to do lunch!
Computer Science Department Holds Talent Show to Reassure Majors That They Still Possess Any Valuable Skills By Oliver Green a lost cause
As AI continues to cause dramatic shifts in the computer science field, with mass corporate layoffs and fewer job openings than ever, many graduating CS majors are feeling real anxiety about what their future holds. Many report feeling like they’ve wasted their time at Columbia, as many of the things they’ve learned from their classes are now completely obsolete. In a frantic move to reassure students, the Computer Science department has announced a talent show for its majors. As was stated in the event announcement, the faculty hope that this event “will show our majors that despite what they may fear, each of our students still brings their own unique talents and abilities to the world, and we should celebrate these.” We interviewed one student, Talan Tedbelch, for her opinion on the upcoming event. “You know, I was pretty devastated when I lost my post-grad return offer after Meta cut my entire department,” Talan told our reporter. “But now, this event has helped me start to reconnect with my true inner passion: burping the National Anthem. Thanks to the CS department, I’ve started to feel like I finally have some worth again that can help me navigate the job market after graduation.” Other students expressed similar sentiments, and the department has reported a flurry of sign-ups for the show. “We’ve got
nearly 100% participation from our seniors,” one professor told us. “We’ve got students who are going to be breakdancing, doing armpit farts, blowing big bubblegum bubbles, reciting the alphabet backwards, and doing ventriloquism.” The professor continued to reiterate his enthusiasm for the show and confidence CS majors all have bright futures, even after Robert Wilkins’ rabbit ran away during the middle of his vanishing trick at the dress rehearsal.
Isabella Palit/Arts Editor
Barnard LeFreak Center for Well-Being Advertises New Offerings By Livy Molko and Clara Neilson-Papish
In honor of the first anniversary of Barnard’s LeFreak Center, the wellness center will be offering new complimentary perks for students on the 145 Flex meal plan and above. Qualifying students can now receive traumainformed acupuncture using recycled needles courtesy of our Eco-Reps. Veneer consultations will also be available, with
8
groundbreaking! custom sets available for purchase using additional meal swipes. Due to recent reports in height insecurity, Barnard invited renowned leg-lengthening surgeon, Dr. Patella, to teach students how to perform the procedures with a focus on autonomy and self-empathetic pain-mitigation practices. Students may also apply to the LeFreak
Fellowship Program, where they can learn a hands-on approach to wellness by performing procedures on their peers. LeFreak Fellows will gain useful everyday skills such as bloodletting, appendectomies, and trepanation, while also forging a closer relationship with their fellow students in the intimate, state-of-the-art operating rooms.
Zyxwvutsrqponm…
Visit barnard.edu/francine-lefrakcenter-well-being for more information on applying to the fellowship. Students with Barnard job grants are eligible to apply for paid test subject roles in preparation for next year's offerings, including lobotomies and iron lung installations.
Volume XLIII Issue 1
good night, fac shack
Study Spots Because The Libraries Are All Full By Stella Turowsky-Ganci #grindset
It's public knowledge that Columbia over-admitted the class of 2029. And yeah, we love our freshmen, with their blissful innocence, not yet having lost that new college student twinkle in their eye. However, we at The Fed guess CU didn't count their chairs and tables before admitting this class, because if you thought Butler was crowded before, you should fucking see it now. But don’t worry, dear reader! We’ve got you. Here are The Fed’s top 3 ultimate top secret underground study spots— shhhhhh! 3. Law Bridge: No, silly! Not the tables! Those will all be full by the time your lazy ass gets there. You know which swanky study spot will for sure be empty? The little pocket underneath the North stairs. This spacious, hidden study gem boasts HUGE amenities like a free place to sit (the ground), and an opportunity to connect in community with your fellow New Yorkers (rats and cockroaches).
By Oliver Green sleep tight!
Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist
1. The BEST study spot that NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT: NYU. You might be saying "what’s NYU?" Well, apparently there’s ANOTHER UNIVERSITY IN NEW YORK and they have a library that YOU can use. Sure it’s a bit of a haul, but it’s totally worth it, because it’s fucking EMPTY in there. Overstimulated by Butler? Bored with Avery? Wtf even is Milstein. Go to NYU! Literally 2. The single stall bathrooms nobody is there! Nobody! in Wallach: Not a freshman? We hope this helps, and Not a problem! It turns out that Wallach has these awesome godspeed. EXTRA ROOMS on every floor, PS: Keep an eye out for more complete with a lock on the door awesome tips on living in this and—most importantly—a free and open seat. Oh, and if you over-admitted age, like did you hear frantic knocking, just ignore know people just leave their it, old pipes! John Jay has these food at their tables unattended? too, but for your own good, don’t Crowded dining hall? Take that shit! go in there. Just don’t. September 2025
After Success of New Sunday Dinner, Fac Shack Will Also Begin Offering a Bedtime Story and Kiss Goodnight After the overwhelmingly positive response from students to their new cozy, homestyle Sunday Dinner, Fac Shack has announced that, beginning next week, they will also offer diners a bedtime story and kiss goodnight. After chowing down on one of their new Italian entrees, students’ favorite shack will also allow them a choice between two bedtime stories: “The Three Little Pigs,” or the vegan option, “Rumplestiltskin.” After students select a story and squeal, “Story, story, story! Pretty please?”, a Columbia Dining employee will accompany them back to their dorm room. Once there, the employees will sit at students’ bedsides, tuck them in, and read aloud to them from the corresponding picture book. Naturally, students will have the option to request from their reader that they “do the silly voices!” If they aren’t asleep by the end of the story, students can also request that dining employees soothingly sing “Rock-a-bye Baby.” Once students have been lulled to sleep by the dulcet tones of one of Columbia Dining’s finest lullaby staffers, the reader will quietly shut the book, give the student a light, doting kiss on the forehead, and turn off the light before quietly slipping out of the room and back to Fac Shack. Students are reportedly thrilled about the new program. Our dining insiders have hinted that this enthusiasm may lead other dining halls to similarly expand their services: a Chef Mike’s swipe will include “a backyard game of catch” with Chef Mike himself, and Ferris will offer students the chance to “play dress-up.”
I 'll just study in my room, ig
9
FDOC behavior
Back 2 School Necessities By Zoe Silverman
don't run, sprint!
Happy Back 2 School Szn! For any freshies seeking advice or anyone who wants to elevate their campus steeze, stay locked in when you read this list. Amazon link is in my TikTok, use code #Roaree69Milly for 40% off. 1. Always use a neck brace for the comfiest posture in cl ass. 2. Let your new roomie stick and poke you. 3. Join the movement to bring Yale’s naked parties to CU #startstreakingagain! 4. Put your frat/sorority in the gram bio with a quirky emoji. 5. Wear Barnard merch as a man (bonus points if it’s for a tight fit) 6. Stay on your Shein grind, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. 7. Bring back AirPod Maxes! 8. Make an Instagram account for your disposable camera. 9. Get better at flipping bottles into the trash can than that guy. 10. Wear your Addison Rae merch. 11. Smoke salvia on Low steps. 12. Fight with your new situationship publicly. 13. Aggressively and passionately reunite publicly after said fight. 14. Post Eedikted sponsored content on the gram #ad #paidpartnership 15. Thong rises above pants, always, ladies and gentlemen. 16. Never hesitate to hit your vape inside a classroom. 17. Get CUEMS called to your 50-person-that-you-don't-know John Jay single party. 18. Steal campus signage to use for decor. 19. Get colorful highlighters. 20. Join The Fed! 10
Ice Breaker Ideas for Awkward Freshmen Situations By Clara Neilson-Papish and Livy Molko
because no one cares what your favorite color is
Do you find yourself alone in your freshman dorm on Friday nights? Do you wish you had that textbook group of friends to play hacky sack with on the lawns? If you find yourself longingly gazing through the window of amity or doodling in your notes about your lack of friendship bracelets, this article is for you. If you are a first-year still struggling to find a solid group of friends, here are some nifty ideas to keep those conversations flowing and those friendships blossoming.
• • • • • •
Ask these friendly strangers: how many shapes can you make with your tongue? Tell everyone your SAT score—a classic, bound to impress your peers! Pose the question: if you had to kill one person in this room, who would it be? Find out whether they wipe forwards or backwards, a classic personality test. Open up to a deeper level with: what’s the most traumatic experience of your life? Tears encouraged! Ask: What is your biggest insecurity, and also why do you walk like that?
There’s no shame in being a late bloomer. Finding your people takes time! But with practice, dedication, and vulnerability about each other's bathroom habits, you will be sure to strike up a true friendship before parents' weekend. Caitlynn Year/Staff Artist
Federal Trade Commission Sues Liz’s Place, Alleges Monopolistic Practices By Inica Kotasthane
yes, even the coffee is taking advantage of you
In a recent campus-wide email, Barnard Dining notified the student body that Liz’s Place has been sued by the Federal Trade Commission for consumer protection violations, including anti-competitive behavior. The lawsuit describes how Liz’s Place leverages its role as the only coffee shop on Barnard’s campus to force consumers to accept lower product quality at a higher price. “Based on interviews with Liz’s student patrons, it is apparent to my office that the coffee served has been declining in flavor and richness since drink prices (measured in Barnard Points) began increasing,” said FTC Chairman Andrew N. Ferguson
(I miss you, Lina Khan). “One especially notable case is that of the iced caramel macchiato with oat milk, which has increased in price from $3.75 to $7.35 over the course of eighteen months. This price gouging has corresponded with a decrease in coffee quality measured by increases in the shitinducing and bitterness indexes.” Students hope that the lawsuit brings some much-needed caffeinated justice to campus. One student told The Federalist that she was “tired of drinking fuckass coffee that destroyed her fucking bowels out of weak fucking paper straws.” Another griped, “If I wanted disgusting brown sludge in a cup, I would just go to Pret.”
I’m here for the Liz’s Boycott
Isabella Palit/Arts Editor
To avoid full legal consequences, Barnard Dining is considering converting the Sushi Spot back into a Peet’s Coffee as part of a settlement with the government. Members of the administration have also proposed replacing various water fountains with cold brew machines.
Volume XLIII Issue 1
not to get political
Legacy Student Discovers Butler Library Does Not Include Butlers By Andrew Barth
EXCLUSIVE: Items I Find in My Purse Before My CUID By Madeline Basch
needs more pockets
but who shall fetch me my tea?
After a disappointing run-in at the Ferris omelet bar (due to the lack of caviar selection), Hans Rainsford Rockefeller Carnegie IV stopped by Butler Library for a quick study session. Hans usually enjoys living in an off-campus apartment, which his parents bought (as an investment, of course) and where the help is already acquainted with his preferences. So, it was much to his chagrin that when he entered Butler Library, there was no initial hot towel and hand massage and not even a measly aperitif or light cocktail to help him enter a workflow. It had been a disappointing week for Rainsford; the John Jay Society was a major let-down. Only an odd yet horny looking grad student with a sword presided, which certainly lacks the aura of the Scroll and Key at Yale, with their expensive champagne and affinity for salty biscuits. Furthermore, none of the Barnard students in his feminist literature course were impressed by the fact that he has two sisters or by his most recent trip to Saint-Tropez on the Carnegie family
Isabella Palit/Arts Editor
yacht. But his discovery at Butler proved to be the most disappointing: there were, indeed, no university-provided butlers. At least Rainsford was able to find a temporary one by sliding a postdoc a fiver. No one said the path to success would be easy, Rainsford.
1. Day-old chocolate chip muffin in side pocket 2. My scrap journal that only has one entry in it titled “Grocery List: eggs” 3. Pop socket 4. Gum wrapper #1 (Spearmint) 5. Tiny purple plastic baby 6. 6 ft long laptop charger 7. Cat tarot card deck with missing instruction booklet 8. Lavender and baby pink rainbow loom bracelet in starburst pattern that I probably used to sell in 4th grade under the monkey bars for 5 dollars 9. Heart Origami gum wrapper #2 (Extra Watermelon) 10. Key to the City 11. Plastic bag with all my nail clippings for a mid day snack 12. 0.7 velocity Bic gel pen 13. Henrietta, my frog finger puppet 14. Day-old banana 15. Gum wrapper with gum I spit out into attached to CVS receipt with 3 purchases of Nerd Gummy Clusters 16. My keychain 17. My key (not attached to keychain) 18. Smoky quartz crystal to protect my peace 19. And finally, my lanyard!
Columbia to Introduce RankedChoice Voting By Aron Shklar
Syd Finver/Staff Artist
redefining school popularity contests
Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist
September 2025
Following student complaints about waitlist inconsistency, Columbia University has announced that they will be introducing rankedchoice voting to determine enrollment. In this new system, enrolled students will rank the waitlisted students they want to add into the class. Students who receive the most votes will be added by the instructor, while students who receive the fewest votes must try for another class. According to a Columbia spokesperson, “We saw how well it worked in the mayoral primaries and figured that it would make sense to determine class enrollment too. Allowing the students to determine their classmates also takes pressure off of the professors, who no longer
have to feel the crushing guilt of rejecting a student who needed that class to graduate.” This new move is not without controversy. Opponents of ranked-choice voting waitlists have decried the system as “ill-concieved” and "open to exploitation," claiming that some winning students may not even receive the most popular votes from their potential classmates. Supporters have pushed back, claiming that it “reduces potential friction between students” and promotes an environment of inclusivity by allowing broad representation across the student body to have a say about their future classmates. As for the students who fail to place near the top of the waitlist ballot, a Columbia spokesperson simply said, “better luck next year.”
Can I get a QR code for my butler?
11
12
Volume XLIII Issue 1
September 2025
13
Stella Turowsky-Ganci/Arts Editor
lord of the flies genderbend
TRAGEDY STRIKES: Gas Line Cut at 620, Barnard Residents Resort to Cannibalism By Jaylen Wright may the odds be ever in your favor
As if the baddies of Barnard College could not suffer enough, early this school year, residents of 620 W. 116th St. found themselves unable to boil their late-night ramen after the gas line was cut in the building. In response, 620 has gone full Hunger Games as students report sleepless nights due to thunderous stomach rumblings and rising numbers of missing residents. Some people suspect that students have even resorted to eating each other out of desperation. One Barnard student living on campus told The Fed that her roommate visited a mu-
tual friend in 620 and never came back. She explained, “My roommate threw on her jorts and left with her Book Culture tote in hand. When I ran into our 620 friend outside the gates later and asked where my roommate was, she said she ‘had no clue,’ but I thought I smelled a hint of my roommate’s Dossier cologne on her breath. Then, she waved goodbye, and I swear she was wearing my roommate’s favorite chunky ring that was thrifted from the Uptown Night Market.” When The Fed asked about the search effort, the distressed student said, “I put up
Isabella Palit/Arts Editor
missing posters, but people kept asking me why I was looking for Megan Rapinoe.” If anyone knows anything about these disappearances, please contact anyone but Public Safety or CARES because everyone knows they don’t give a shit.
Student Says 'Fuck It', Puts JJ’s Dino Nuggets on Their Burger
By Sasha Maroulis
yolo
Last Thursday, several students reported seeing a suspicious TrinaSarah Tobbs (SEAS ‘27) devouring a curiously monstrous burger at a high table in the back of JJ’s. Luckily, one of our field correspondents was on the scene; after stuffing Blue Bunny Cookies ‘N Creme ice cream sandwiches into their backpack, they went over to investigate. When asked about her creation,
Trina-Sarah said “I grabbed my burger and was about to load up a separate tray with dino nuggets, when I thought to myself ‘what the fuck am I doing? Has Columbia seriously conditioned me to think I need separate receptacles for each of my savoury fast food treats?’ I grabbed those nuggies and slapped them right on top of my burger. Fries too.” Our reporter asked Tobbs what
prompted the averse reaction to the JJ’s status quo, to which she stated that she was “done with these bullshit mind games.” The Federalist stands by its fellow students that seek to push boundaries, whether it's through revolutionary research, acute and thoughtful protest, or getting that fish burger JJ’s sometimes has.
Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist
Sofia the… 23rd? A Guide to Having the Most Common Name on Campus By Sophia Mariano we’ve got 2 Sophias and counting
So, you get to Barnard from your private high school class of 50 students who all knew each other. You go up to a group of students in NSOP, all fresh and excited, and ask them their names. They all reply with a resounding “Sophia!” Your heart sinks, because that’s your name too, and yet now you are but another face lost in the crowd. Sound familiar? Yeah, turns out there’s all too many of us, whether with a ph, f, or an e instead of an a. It can be tough to feel like
14
you’re unique when you have one of the most common names of your generation. Well, as a lifelong Sophia and expert in standing out, here are my top tips to become more than just another name in class! 1. Change your name! Who needs another Sofia anyway? I haven’t had a class with a Claire yet, maybe go with that. The legal process only takes a few years. 2. Do something ridiculous! Be the next water bottle kicker, sacrifice
a football player on Futter Field, audition for the lead role in a musical. The options for notoriety are endless, so long as you’re willing to forgo your identity as a Sophia in exchange for “that kid” (said with slight disgust, of course). 3. Dye your hair! Oh wait, that’s not going to help you stand out here, sorry. You should cancel that appointment. 4. Post fake stories on Columbia Confessions about how awesome
ph > f tbh
and hot you are! Everyone totally remembers all the names in those callouts. Just don’t forget to repost everything written about you to really drive it home. 5. If all else fails, but you still want to be known for something besides your all too common first name, you could always join a satire paper where your full name is next to every article you write! Or you can lock in and become the next Batman or something.
Volume XLIII Issue 1
one sink for me, one sink for you
Columbia Housing Announcement: Beds Will Be Removed from Wien Hall, Replaced With Second Sink By Yusuf Perwez
u gotta do what u gotta do
Hello, We would like to inform all residents of Wien Hall that we will no longer be offering beds in any of the single or double rooms in this dormitory. This policy is in place effective immediately; until Residential Life staff are able to come to your room and extract your bed, please move as much of it as you can into the walk-in closet. Students found using their beds following this date will be subject to disciplinary action. To fill the new space, however, Residential Life will be adding a second patented “Wien Sink” to all rooms in the dormitory! The second sink will be placed relatively close to the first to allow for double hand-washing action, with a pipe connecting the water flow (enabling students to double hydraulic pressure to either one when the other is
turned off)! Unfortunately, the sinks will still randomly start spewing exclusively hot water whenever they feel like it. As a result, we caution students not to use the double hydraulic pressure mode during one of these periods, for risk of burning through the patented “Wien Basin” (and students up to two floors below you). That being said, it’s time for the Residential Life recipe of the month! This time we’ve got a special one for all you Wien-heads out there. Ingredients: • Two Wien Sinks • A box from the Student Mail Center • That weird brown sauce the Fac Shack keeps giving you • Premade pizza
Cooking Instructions: • Cut out a slab of cardboard from the delivery box. Place the pizza on it. • Wash your hands in a Wien Sink (preferably both at the same time). • Serve with or without mystery sauce. Enjoy!
Isabella Palit/Arts Editor
Public Safety Policy Update: You Can Register an Extra SameDay Guest if You Do a Backflip
By Oliver Green
frontflips do not count
In an update to university policies posted on the Columbia website last week, Public Safety announced the expansion of their QR-code based guest system. Specifically, students will now be granted the ability to register an extra same-day guest if they can do a backflip. “We’re really fired up about this,” said Public Safety employee I.D. Tapper when we woke him up from a nap inside his reinforced steel bunker at the 116th gate. “I’m getting bored of sitting September 2025
here all day and half-noticing students swiping into campus while I watch Family Guy clips on my phone. We’re all pumped about seeing some of that real-life ninja stuff.” Public Safety officers across campus can hardly contain their excitement to the new policy. However, Tapper is a little more wary, stressing he doesn’t want to see students trying to get extra guests in with “any of those weak- policy’s effectiveness in deterring ass front flips.” Yet, Tapper still unapproved student action. He expressed confidence in the new told The Fed that “anyone cool Yesterday-day guest if you can do a kickflip
Isabella Palit/Arts Editor
enough to do a backflip would never join one of those lame protests… right?” 15
Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist
can i have a balloon animal?
Sonnet to Carman Gates—From a Struggling Carlton Arms Resident By stella turowsky-ganci a lifesaver fr
The Carman Hall gates are my gates to heaven Feet throbbing from the walk Pretty much from 107, my legs feel every block
By Valerie Rahman Yum
get a life, mom
You would think that moving 8000 miles away from home would give me freedom and independence. But alas, the evil creators of Life360 had other plans for my future. Life360 is too smart for my old bag of tricks, like going on airplane mode or switching my location to my iPad. Instead, because of the advent of technology, Life360 uses high-tech satellites to triangulate my precise location, and send detailed notifications to my mom the moment I leave any given place or drive in a fast-moving vehicle.
By now, my mom has a list of my most frequented spots around campus, which include: • Amity Hall (where I go for burgers, duh) • 1020 (they make a great Shirley Temple!) • Lion’s Den (a cozy study spot) • Riverside Park • Butler Library So thank you Life360, for keeping me under the watchful eye of a mother who texts me when my Uber back uptown is going over the speed limit.
Fed-estimonial: Why I Invested My Last $400 Dollars Into a 12-Week Clown Course
Though boasting spacious living spaces TV’s and kitchens all updated Carlton Arms is still quite a few paces Away from College walk But then I see a shining light A truth aligned by fate my tired tootsies soon take flight When I see the open gate
By Dani Winkler, Livy Molko, Reza Shayesteh
it's not a phase
Oh Carman Gate, my Carman gate! I love you now as I loved you then, As you save me 30 long seconds On my walk of minutes, 10 You may be saying, silly gal! 30 seconds is not much time! But I can tell you, dear old pal without that gate, I would shrivel up, and die.
Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist
16
I Moved Across the World for College and My Parents Still Track Me on Life360
Last week, I found myself at the end of my rope. The excitement of my newly-finalized PoliSci minor was dampened by my inability to answer a cold call from former University President Lee Bollinger. My crush failed to show at Senior Night. My roommate left his dirty underwear on my desk. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a face marred by disappointment and failed promise. When I was a child, my father caught me sneaking a brownie from the tray hidden in the pantry. He called me a glutton. I knew from that day forward that I would always have a wound related to my ability to seek pleasure. My root chakra was damaged. I would spend the next decade and a half attempting to heal it. I tried talk therapy. Lindsay helped me to work out the kinks of my social anxiety and my sexual dysfunction. But I still felt a tug to perform. To please. To be desired. It was after my final therapy session that I found myself looking in the mirror once more. I felt the need to hide my face, my flaws. To cover my blemishes, my scars. I asked my marred
Beware the Carlton laundry machines
reflection: what else can I possibly do? That’s when my phone buzzed with an email notification. It was Groupon, advertising $5 off for an “Intro to Clowning” workshop in the basement of the Public Theater. It felt like a sign from above. I clicked “pay.” On my first day of clown school, I learned that all of life is a performance. I was masking the way that I truly felt. The Clowns taught me how to let loose. To show the world who I am. And now, I can. After I finish my classes every afternoon, I dip my hand into a tub of white paint, and smear a pasty layer across my forehead. I apply my big, red, honking nose, and lace up my 36-inch-heeled shoes. When I look in the mirror, at last I see life reflected in my eyes. I am a proud clown. I am a freak. I juggle and I stilt and I bring the joy of my individuality to the world. I may have no money, and no food, but I can make nearly any animal out of balloons, and isn’t that satisfying enough? With the Clowns, I know I belong.
Volume XLIII Issue 1
nooo my mom's letters!
Columbia University Unveils Penetrating Vision for Low Memorial Library Expansion By Eric Shin
gent-rification
Columbia University is proud to unveil plans for a dramatic expansion of its most iconic structure: Low Memorial Library. With this enlargement, Low will no longer merely stand for scholarship; it will thrust boldly into the future, piercing the very skyline of Morningside Heights. The centerpiece of the project is a commanding central tower, erected precisely where the library’s modest dome once lay. Rising straight and true, this structure promises to be both imposing and inspirational, a vertical proclamation of Columbia’s intellectual endurance and unwavering stamina in the pursuit of truth. To honor tradition while embracing modernity, the University’s architects have ensured the original dome will not be lost. Instead, the design includes two smaller, carefully rounded domes placed on either side of the tower. These auxiliary domes will flank the proud central shaft. Finally, crowning the tower will be a new dome, rising above the others and glistening atop the peak of Columbia’s academic might. President Claire Shipman praised the plan, calling it “a bold, upright vision” and “a penetrating statement of Columbia’s enduring presence in the Ivy League.” The new structure, she added, will “stimulate
scholarly engagement” and “stand firm against the test of time.” The University expects construction to begin next spring. Until then, Columbia invites students and faculty alike to imagine a monumental sight of Low Library’s new silhouette: towering, unmissable, and impossible to mistake for anything else.
Eric Shin/Staff Artist
Columbia Mail Fails to Inform Students All Packages Over 2lbs Will Be Dumped Directly Into the Hudson
High School Loser
Finally Becomes Popular
After Joining Frat By Federalist Staff
a new brother has entered the villa
In the good news section for Freshman incels, high school loser Harry Smelton has been popping off the charts at rush events. After a few minor adjustments to his vocabulary, he quickly hit it off with the bros at Beta. Harry learned a few new key terms: instead of saying “femoids,” using the term “birds” quickly elevated his status. Gone are the days where Harry said: “damn femoids never think about us nice guys,” and in are the days of “Yo bird, why the fuck aren’t you talking to a brother.” Mr. Smelton has quickly picked up on drinking brewskis with the broskis at rush events, and what he doesn’t know about football he makes up for with his vaguely racist yet oddly specific beliefs. Harry “the smelly smell” Smelton, as brothers now call him, was worried at first he wouldn’t find a community at Columbia accepting of his “fiscally conservative but socially liberal” viewpoint. But he quickly found that the comments he slides awkwardly into conversation like “maybe the tariffs aren’t so bad,” “I don’t support ICE buttttt,” and the classic “you have to admit this Zohran Mam-muslim guy,” are actually supported and “sendy” according to brothers. Furthermore, the issue of “ratio” at parties has become a new project for dear Smelly; manning the door, he now has the ultimate ego-stroking ability to both objectify women and assuage his perceived shortcomings of masculinity through sage expressions like “if you’re not a brother or fucking brother, get the fuck outtttt.” Smelly is a shining example of how new opportunities for Greek-life-curious students on campus can be transformative. For more exciting details on rush, look for upcoming NSOP Seminars “Under One Roofie” and “Sexual Violence Training and Tips.”
By Sydney Kelble
nooo not my shampoo
Students are in outrage upon discovering that, after the failure of its email system and subsequent mail backup, Columbia’s Mail Room decided that any package weighing over 2lbs will be redirected straight into the Hudson River. One CC Junior told The Fed: “I mean, first, their email system broke, and they didn’t tell any of us, so we just didn’t really know what was going on with that. Then, like two weeks ago, I ordered a Desktop Organizer, and instead of being told that it
September 2025
Sydney Kelble/Staff Artist
had been delivered, I got a message a few days ago saying it was now at the bottom of the Hudson. They sent me a confirmation image of a box with my name on it sinking into the water. I didn’t even know their email system was back up.” When reached out for a response, Columbia Mail Center sent an email back saying, “Sorry, our email is down, so we didn’t see your message, and we also can’t respond to that.”
are they compensating for something?
17
where's my labubu
Performative Male Final Boss Refuses To Go To Hewitt, States ‘That’s a Female Space’ By Reza Shayesteh
he who dares not grab the thorn... iykyk
Matcha and Clairo are all the rage for the Doc Martens-wearing heterosexual men of Columbia University. Labubus on the belt, Laufey baby-tees on the chest, and bell hooks essays in the tote bag, these young men have taken the Morningside Heights genderbending scene by storm. Local bookstores have reported a mass shortage of Brontë sister novels (even Anne’s!) and Virigina Woolf apparel. But some take it a step further. Mass protest from Barnard students about seeing men in Hewitt Dining Hall for the past 136 years has reached a new height as Columbia overenrolled approximately 500 too many freshmen into the class of 2029. “I can barely concentrate on my froyo because Chad from the rowing time won’t stop loading his plate with abnormal amounts
of chicken,” one particularly butch young lady declared. But steel toed boots aren’t scaring these jocks! BO and mild republicanism at Hewitt have become something of an institution for the minority of straight men at this school. But a new generation of chivalry is emerging among the performative community. You won’t be seeing too many MJ Lenderman crop tops prowling around Hewitt this year! Sebastian Monaré, a 6’4 vaguely Nordiclooking American Studies student and parttime fashion model, told The Fed that he and his friends are “so over” the oppression that Barnard students endure in their dining hall. “Women need their space. We understand that. We would never want to make them feel unsafe by our presence. I learned this by reading—and loving—Elena Ferrante’s The
Kesang Gawa/Staff Artist
Lying Life of Adults.” Barnard students are confused, but grateful nonetheless. “We don’t care about Ferrante quotes, we want to be able to eat our chicken in peace. Thanks, I guess?” Diana is, reportedly, still free game for these men. “Protein is Protein y’know?”
Heartbreaking: Duo Security Will Now Include CAPTCHA Retinal Scan
By Shawn Kathuria
Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist
can't stop won't stop duo
In a recent press release, Columbia University Information Technology (CUIT) announced that in the coming days, the current two-factor Duo Security system will be revamped to a cutting-edge four-factor authentication that will include both a CAPTCHA and a retinal scan. “Hackers want your passwords,”, the release said. “And Duo Security is just not cutting it”. The CAPTCHA move is reportedly motivated by research from Harvard University that has shown that despite AI’s capabilities, when asked to complete the task of choosing all the squares containing photos of school buses, it is immediately stopped in its tracks. To that end, users will have a choice between identifying blurry photos of
traffic lights, vehicles, or road signs. CUIT also indicated that a puzzle piece dragging feature is currently in beta and expected to be rolled out within the next couple of weeks, though The Federalist’s sources indicate that robots are reportedly “getting the hang of that one.”. As for the retinal scan, the rationale is unclear. The move presumably comes in response to the cyberattack on Columbia IT infrastructure this past August. While only time will tell if the measures will prove effective, the campus is already divided on the issue, particularly among students without perfect vision. “The eye scan literally does not work if you have contacts on,”, said Alex Ching, SEAS ’‘28, in an interview with The Federalist., “So I have to
physically take them off and put my face two inches away from my webcam, and even that only works like half the time. I feel embarrassed trying to open Canvas when I’m in public.” CUIT also noted that they would be restructuring the often-defunct “Remember me for 24 hours” feature. Users will now receive a phone call from Duo and be asked several security questions to downgrade to
two-factor authentication. “We will not be intimidated by hackers,”, wrote CUIT in the closing lines of the release, “and we will not hesitate to deploy 15-factor if we are given a reason to.”. CUIT seems to have forgotten to reply to The Federalist’s request for comment.
18
I’ve been clicking the pictures with traffic lights for 40 mins
Volume XLIII Issue 1
condolences to furnald freshmen
Cutting the Red Tape: Columbia Touts Impressive 720:1 Administrator-toStudent Ratio By Shawn Kathuria Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist
Pool Table First Thing in Furnald to Feel a Woman’s Touch By Sasha Maroulis
female spotted
The Fed has received confirmation from various sources that a woman was seen playing pool at the table relocated to Furnald, making this the first time that anything in that building has felt the touch of a woman. Gregory Sloopin (CC ‘29) told us what he saw. “Yeah I was exiting the elevator, running late to my Magic The Gathering club meeting, when I saw a female leaning over the pool table to take a shot. It was utterly mesmerizing.” The female student was reportedly on a first date with Jack Naufaldey (CC ‘29), a Carmen resident. “Yeah I figured we’d play some pool for the first date, you know?” said Naufaldey. “I told her she was a natural, but she was highkey ass bro. I won all 5 games. Just waiting on her to text me back, which should be soon. Right? Yeah for sure. Yeah, yeah.” We, at The Fed, think Jack cooked his chances, but we’ll provide updates on this and any other future Furnald hijinks.
aiming for a guinness world record
Morningside Heights, Manhattan: In a move being hailed as a triumph of efficiency, Columbia announced in a press release this morning that its Administrator-to-Student ratio has reached a historic 720:1. According to Federalist sources familiar with current enrollment numbers, that would mean that there are over 25,000,000 administrators currently employed by the university, with thousands more being hired every day. “Our vision”, wrote Acting President Shipman in the release, “is that no student should ever have to walk 15 feet again without encountering at least one University Administrator.” “This is incredible news,” said a member of the newly-formed Office of the Assistant Vice Chancellor of the Senior Associate Secretary of the Provost’s Trustee Board, who wishes to remain anonymous. “Every
new hire is a renewed commitment toward the University’s mission,” she said. Not everyone is pleased with these new changes. One professor in the history department, who also wished to be kept anonymous, tragically missed the birth of his first and only child while waiting in a line to exit campus. “Now my motherin-law won’t even look at me, much less fold my laundry,” he said. According to insiders, the Board of Trustees is officially scheduled to meet on June 3rd, 2031, from 2:15-2:20 to address the issue, provided a quorum is met. In a response to a Fed request for comment on what the future holds, Columbia confirmed that the next wave of hires will be a 200-person search committee for the Business School’s next Title IX coordinator. Updates to follow.
Columbia Sets Up 'University President' Stand at Career Fair By Beau Gantz
Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist
linkedin ready
This year’s annual career fair showcased a number of exciting career opportunities for current Columbia students, but one position stood out from the rest: the “University President” stand established by the Columbia administration. Months into the search for a permanent University President, the administration has resorted to outside-the-box recruiting techniques, including their career fair table offering informational pamphlets, pens, and loose Starbursts. Among the responsibilities listed were
September 2025
“ability to type and send roughly six vague emails per semester,” “proficiency with ChatGPT,” and “ability to resign after one week of pressure from Louisiana Congressman.” Candidates who qualify must have a maximum 3 years of experience, a strong beating pulse, and the ability to save their tears for the pillow. Other unconventional recruiting methods for the position include cold emails offering $250, aggressively flyering the JJ’s wall, and begging Presbo to come back.
Might as well apply
19
hairstylists wanted
Bald. Bush. Barnard! Millie the Dancing Bear Now Offering Complimentary Bush Designing Workshops By Madeline Basch fufills the arts & humanities requirement! Ever worried that your twentypage paper on feminist intuition or that obnoxious line at the mail room will prevent you from maintaining your lavish bush? Well, fear no longer! Millie the Dancing Bear has just announced her new program, Taming the Thicket, in celebration of LeFreak's first year as Barnard’s orgy hub. Whether you’re a fretful first-year navigating that notorious bramble down under or a proud Barnard baddie who has emerged unbeaten from the forest, Millie has a class for you! Each session Millie offers hands-on demonstrations (made easily accessible by her lack of bottoms), complimentary tiktok shop electric razors, and rapid hair growth serum to continue practicing on yourself and friends! And fret not! Millie knows not all bushes are the
Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist same. Taming the Thicket hopes to maintain Barnard's liberal arts philosophy, as all classes invoke an intersectional lens on the needs of every bush, zen garden, nether fleece, forest ecosystem, pubic palace, junk gymnasium, fur factory, or botanical enclosure. Want an introductory course? Look no further than “Art of the Scissor”. Maybe you have more of a green thumb? Workshop with Millie in unconventional vag designs to receive your license in cosmetology. Or even if you’re looking to fill your MW 2:40-3:55 class slot. Don’t hesitate to register with Barnard’s history department in, "Hedge History: Self-expression and Cultural Allegories in Vaginal Performativity”. Registration starts next week—spots are limited, but your bush deserves it.
Young Venture Capitalists’ Society to Invest Club Funding in Youth Democratic Socialists of America Chapter
Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist
By Dani Winkler the enemy of my enemy is my friend???
At the start of each school year, Columbia’s Activities Board Council (ABC) releases their allocations of university funding for recognized clubs on campus. On Wednesday, Columbia’s chapter of the Young Venture Capitalists’ Society (YVCA) announced they would be investing their allocation for the 2025-2026 school year, which totaled $14,000, into the university’s chapter of the Youth Democratic Socialists of America (YDSA), which received $0. “As students of the market, we are constantly looking for ways to capitalize on the cultural moment,” club president Cash Belfort announced in a statement to The Federalist. “Right now, that moment is socialism.”
20
Columbia’s YDSA chapter plans to use their recently-received cash injection to bring mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani to campus. Belfort says that YVCA is supportive of this use of funds, though they do not plan to endorse Mamdani in November’s general election. “We trust that the recipients of our investments will use them as they see fit. That includes using funds to benefit political causes we may disagree with, like raising the quality of life for the average New Yorker.” Though Belfort was quick to distance himself from Mamdani’s policies, he acknowledged that the candidate’s presence on campus would likely increase foot traffic and bring
money to businesses in the area, both of which would benefit YVCA’s local investment portfolio. “The personal anguish that we may feel when a struggling community member is treated with respect rather than dis-
Can i do this on Robinhood?
dain is worth the capital returns we will see at the end of Q4. As our advisor, cousin to the late Ayn Rand, once said: ‘Investors of the world unite; you have nothing to lose but your dividends.’”
Volume XLIII Issue 1
*sings sexually*
Full Bush On Main? Columbia Trims College Walk for Fall Semester By joshua thorne
fascism comes in many forms...
Columbia students and faculty were stunned upon returning from summer vacation by the sight of College Walk’s new and… freshly manicured appearance. Some have dubbed 2025 as “the summer of bush,” with a growing number of young people embracing an unshaved nether region, but apparently the trend has failed to trickle down to Columbia’s landscaping team. You may think these are unrelated phenomena, but our investigative journalists have uncovered a shocking connection. The “full bush in a bikini” trend began in response to the rising tides of fascism and social conservatism, embracing an unshaven pubic region as an expression of feminism and bodily liberation. Columbia, on the other hand, has decided that the previously overgrown College Walk was a bit too suggestive. “The way that the foliage extended out from around Hamilton and Kent was a bit too reminiscent of all this bush and bikini nonsense,” said one source from the landscaping staff, who chose to remain anonymous. “We had no choice but to trim it back.” The result is College Walk as it currently stands: neatly clipped, with trees and foliage in orderly rows. The reception among students has been overwhelmingly negative, with many remarking upon the tackiness of the new landscaping. “It makes sense,” one student remarked. “We’ve known Columbia’s administration was ugly and rotten, but it’s still sad to see fascist ideology reflected in our campus’ upkeep.” It remains to be seen whether the Tree Lighting during the winter holidays will proceed as is customary this semester.
September 2025
Campus Community Grapples With the Reality that A Capella is Sexually Powerful By Beau Gantz
wake up people!
In the wake of a series of undeniably electric performances, the Columbia community is reeling from the fact that, against all odds, a capella music is a potent sexual weapon. The news has been extremely difficult for many on campus to come to terms with. “I didn’t want to like it. I wanted to make fun of it,” says class of 2028 SEAS student Barry Tonelover, “but then I watched them harmonize to the bridge of Chappell Roan’s ‘The Subway,’ and I felt something I’ve never felt before in my entire life. I can’t listen to the normal song anymore. Or any other songs. I don’t even get erections unless I’m watching Pitch Perfect. A capella is the only thing that gets me going now. This is anonymous, right?” The Office of the President released a statement yesterday addressing the increasingly urgent concerns of the student body. “The hardening effect that incredible a capella music can have on the human body is a challenging reality to face, but one that we must acknowledge if we are to move forward
as a community,” the email states, “and we are immediately assembling a task force to manage the needs of the student body.” Among the most common concerns raised by Columbia students were “frequently searching for videos of showtune mashups,” “striking attraction towards ten people who are dressed about the same,” and a “desire to audition next semester.”
Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist
Personal Profile: One Night Stand’s Room Genuinely Only Furnished With One Nightstand By Anand Shukla-Parekh marie kondo wouldn't approve
It could’ve happened to anyone. I was downtown last Friday night, a little drunk in some godforsaken divebar. He looked cute. Six five, blue-eyed, even told me he worked in finance with Goldman Sachs. He was 28. Mature. Just the type of guy I’ve been looking for to get over my manchild ex. He approached me and offered to buy me a few cocktails. Before I knew it, I was back at his place. But as I opened the door, I was greeted with the horrifying realization that I’d been picked up by a mattress dweller. Lying on the floor of his bare-as-bones apartment was a mattress with a flat sheet crumpled over it, not a bed frame in sight. Next to it was a single lampless nightstand with a half finished packet of Zyns on top. “I’m something of a minimalist,” he said,
does it bring you joy?
grinning as he closed the door shut to furnished civilization. “Totally into that Buddhist Marie Kondo shit, lol.” He offered me another drink, and soon enough I found myself sitting on the side of his mattress—there was no chair—sipping Smirnoff out of a red solo cup, diluted with cranberry juice he found in the back of his fridge (hey, he had one of those at least). After the drink was finished, he rinsed the cup out in the sink before refilling it to make himself a drink (I soon realized that was his only cup). Thankfully, the sex was similarly minimalist, and I managed to get out soon after he fell asleep. Say what you will, but at least performative men have pillows.
21
when will it be 68's time to shine...
“6 - 7”: Alma Mater Seemingly Predicts Columbia’s 2026 US News Ranking Like Some Bizarre Bronze Groundhog By Anand Shukla-Parekh
...i just bipped right on low library
With less than 2 weeks until US News releases their list of best colleges for 2026, Columbia students have been spotted compulsively reloading r/ApplyingToCollege and arguing on the phone with relatives about the quality of their education. “MOM, you don’t get it. Columbia's actually a T-3 school and US News has just been salty for the past 3 years,” one freshman could be heard shouting as he sat on Low Steps, wearing a Columbia hat, Columbia socks, and that fuckass golf polo that they sell in the bookstore. But luckily, it seems the 12th place disaster may soon be over, according to one clairvoyant Columbian: “You can clearly tell from Alma Mater’s hand position that she’s predicting a ranking of 6 or 7,” said Krystal
Bell (CC ‘28, Astronomy), as she indicated the angle of Alma’s outstretched arms. “It’s as if she’s actively weighing which of the two numbers it could be.” Bell further pointed out that Alma Mater was modeled on the goddesses Athena and Minerva, who, “as everyone knows, are either the 6th or 7th most important members of the ancient pantheon.” The evidence seemed to go even deeper however, as at exactly 6:07 PM, Alma’s arms cast a shadow on the steps that, when measured by a Columbia-branded protractor (coincidentally available for $6.70 in the bookstore), conveniently formed an angle of exactly 67°. When asked if it was possible that these signs could be interpreted as Columbia sinking to 67th place following a year of high
Red Bull Truck Replaced by plusOne Bus real masc lesbians pilot a u-haul
machines that they can put in their pants while studying to privately multi-task pleasure and their academics. One thrilled Engineering student reported to The Fed, “As a member of the most celibate group on campus, I am so excited I will finally get the chance to experience what my friends in Film Studies and Philosophy do every day!” Others were worried about the Red Bull truck disappearance for the sake of maintaining their addictions to caffeine. An anonymous Barnard Gender and Sexuality major offered a word of advice to these folks: “If you keep your plusOne on you constantly, it’s actually the most natural way to stay awake!” Students are already petitioning to have the next trending vehicle be a limousine full of masc lesbians or a pickup truck full of future Columbia presidents to address more pertinent student needs.
By Livy Molko tatata bala tu!
Me want banana! So me papoy bo-ka la banana from John Jay. “Tulaliloo ti amo!” papoy me say to le worker at John Jay. Mais po-ka? La banana was green? Blumock! Nononono, papoy! “Stupa! Sa la ka!” me screamed at le John Jay worker. “Me want bello banana! Bello bello bello, no green!” Mais il was no use. Papoy. La banana was fucking bakayarou. Papoy y goodnight.
Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist
22
profile scandals, our source unfortunately turned pale white and began consulting her notebook of astrological symbols. Following 6 to 7 minutes of calculations, she scurried off while incoherently babbling, of which we only caught the words “Cornell” and “transfer.”
Bello! I Am A Minion. Here is la Banana Review Para Tu:
By Sonia Freedman This week, the beloved Red Bull truck is facing competition from a new vehicle: the plusOne bus. On the corner of 114th and Broadway, students can now find a full-size shiny yellow school bus filled to the brim with plusOne vibrators! Regulars in the Butler stacks were excited to see the official plusOne vibrating bullets under their seats Oprah Style. These bullets are tiny
Anand Shukla-Parekh/Staff Artist
c'est banana
Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist
Volume XLIII Issue 1
columbiafederalist.com
The Lament of the Online Editor By Kimberly Wing columbiafederalist.com.. columbiafederalist.com... columbiafederalist.com...
With a Social Media Editor, Publisher, and many other similar-sounding roles at The Fed, people often wonder what I do. I like to consider myself a popular loner. I don’t choose what articles get published or work on print issue designs. No, I don’t concern myself with those kinds of normie activities. I manage The Fed’s website… by the way, does anyone even go on columbiafederalist.com? It’s laggy from 10+ years of articles and gets an average of around 100 views per month, so it’s a really underground website that only cool, patient folks enjoy scrolling through. It takes me a good seven minutes to publish an article because the website
Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist
September 2025
needs to pull up all the images and staff names published in the last decade. The Feditors-in-Chief can’t figure out tech, so I’m the person they consult. I can't even code. I don’t even know how I got this job. I told last year’s Feditors that I had experience in publishing content online, but I didn’t specify that I used to post stories on Wattpad, so I’m running The Fed’s website like a slow burn fanfiction series. Anyway… in terms of the print issue, there’s not a lot going on on my end. I’m just really nonchalant. Maybe you can like, I don’t know, join Fed Tech or… smirks… visit columbiafederalist.com to look at the nice articles posted there.
Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist
Columbia Dining Goes Balls to the Wall With Spinach Artichoke Flatbread By Beau Gantz just going absolutely crazy with spinach and also artichoke
In a thrilling development from John Jay Dining Hall, sources confirm that, in regards to Tuesday night’s fresh spinach artichoke flatbread, Columbia Dining went completely balls to the wall. Several students reached out to The Federalist to confirm the rampant rumors that John Jay’s spin on the spinach artichoke flatbread was “all gas, no brakes,” went “full send,” and gave “zero fucks.” In an exclusive interview with The Fed, the architect behind the beast, Hugh Jibawlse, provided the following insight: “We saw other spinach artichoke flatbreads, and we thought they were interesting, but they just weren’t brave enough to do what we did. We wanted a real in-your-face, full-throttle flatbread. We want
the spinach inquisition
you to be a little bit scared. I’m scooping on red peppers and artichoke hearts with no measurement and zero fear. I’m crafting a sizzling flatbread mountain that you pedestrian normies will never understand. I’m not afraid of what happens on that grill. When I’m going to town on that flatbread, I’m in a 100 percent flow state. No hesitation. No mercy. I just feed the motherfucking beast. And if that scares you, then we don’t want you. And you’re gonna hate what I’m about to do with this sticky ginger tempeh.” The spinach artichoke flatbread is sure to be a recurring item, so find time to swing by Wilma’s Grill in John Jay Dining Hall if you’re looking to get your shit rocked.
23
Down:
1. Half a baker’s dozen-ish 4. Fitz and The Tantrums hit “____” 8. Self-centered pronoun in the accusative 9. I really just wanted her to just settle down with Timothay (Laurie) that whole movie 10. What those really aesthetic tramp stamps require 13. The worst cheese to exist 15. The size of an embryo at six weeks 16. A sweet treat, or a descriptor for an under-ripe apple 19. With “Bon,” a witticism 20. If I were to, theoretically, pants someone at the sundial it would cause quite a ___ 21. The targeted ones really do it for me 23. With 24 Across, a whimsical way to say goodbye 24. See 23 25. Messenger for genetic info 27. __ Ten, the green boy who can change into aliens 28. Not at the local, regional, or tristate level 29. Whoops! -CUIT 30. The man with the subs 36. The man who’s not throwing away his shot 42. See 61 43. The modifier used before a vowel 44. In swimming, this includes the Butterfly, Backstroke, Breaststroke, and Freestyle (in that order) 45. See 61 46. What everyone at BC and CC graduates with 47. College classroom helper 48. Not a bro but a __ 50. University with the mascot George 52. This yr’s will be LX 53. The blocks that blow up in minecraft 55. ___ Angeles 56. Chloe Ting’s favorite workout 58. Chicago’s version of the subway 59. Not yours or mine, but ___ 60. The Wolf of Wall Street goes crazy for Steve Madden’s 61. Before 45 then 42, the game of X’s and O’s 63. The artist formerly known as Kanye West 64. “66” is a famous one of these 65. +Stein, e = mc2 66. What everyone is worried that a millennial can’t become minus ”m,” or what a responsible gardener must be 67. Casual assents 68. Fuzzy footwear (did you know they’re selling a ballet flat??)
1. O Captain, My Captain? 2. Femme-coded important prof 3. Switzerland, always 4. Oh, hello! Say 5. __’s Got Us Falling in Love Again 6. When you have to share a title 7. What my situationship texts me at 3am 11. Modern prefix, or the main character in the Matrix 12. TLAM 13. A dynamite K-Pop Group 14. My favorite kind of spread 17. Hit me ___ and soft -Billie Eilish 18. Synonym for goon 22. The carrier of all those genes people are talking about these days 23. James Charles circa 2019: Spill the ___ 26. @ 27. Exist 30. One of the fastest mammals on earth, or a Bostonian calling someone out for bending the rules 31. __ tu, Brute? 32. Used to unlock a car 33. The average, or a C if your prof is this 34. GNARLY 35. Literally, a person or thing that makes something possible 36. Barnard Baddies prefer HERstory 37. “Gimme ____,” making someone wait 38. Scary clown of Stephen King’s imagination 39. The best Bridge at Columbia 40. Where our lovely Grace Dodge is located 41. What I am BEGGING Rihanna for 49. A terrible descriptor for a throat to have 50. Imperative directed at a swine 51. Closed for nearly two years now 54. The sound a snake makes 55. In ___ of 57. Prefix with -graphy or -logy 62. The network that starts so many good shows and drives them into the ground with the outrageous number of seasons
24
Crossword answers on socials & website
Sophia Brown/Games Editor
"Girl, I told you to double-check the address."
Inica Kotasthane/Feditor-in-Chief
Across:
ON SUNDAYS AT 8:30 PM IN LERNER 569 SUBMIT TO
CHIEF@COLUMBIAFEDERALIST.COM Volume XLIII Issue 1