Columbia's Only Newspaper that Practices Nonhierarchical Ethical Non-Monogamy
THE TEAM
EDITORIAL BOARD
Feditor-in-Chiefs
Olivia Ruble
Dani Winkler
Managing Editors
Sylvi Stein
Izzy Szyfer
Head Submissions Editors
Oliver Green
Ashley Rapp
Arts Editor
Dani Rivera
STAFF
Senior Editor
Bayan Shimizu
Submissions Editors
Beau Gantz
Inica Kotasthane
Ava Lyon-Sereno
Sasha Maroulis
Livy Molko
Clara Neilson-Papish
Bayan Shimizu
Aron Shklar
Ava Young-Stoner
Copy Editors
Sophia Brown
Jem Hanan
Lily Lee
Ava Lyon-Sereno
Ava Min
Clara Neilson-Papish
Nicole Pi
Julia Ryan
Reza Shayesteh
Ruth Shikanov
Katie Stollmack
Joshua Thorne
Jessica Weinfeld
Isabella Paz Winger
Valerie Sofia Rahman Yum
Layout Editors
Kamtoya Okeke
Oliver Green
Julia Ryan
Izzy Szyfer
GENERAL BOARD
Submissions Editor
Fenway Donegan
Head Copy Editor
Aron Shkar
Head Layout Editor
Ruth Shikanov
Social Media
Editors
Inica Kotasthane
Zoe Silverman
Online Editor
Elena Lukac
Staff Artists
June Frankel
Stella Fusaro
Anna Hazolyshyn
Ava Lyon-Sereno
Alejandro Rojas
Stella Turowsky-Ganci
Syd Finver
Nicole Pi
Isabella Palit
Mia Chang
Staff Writers
James Coppersmith
Fenway Donegan
Beau Gantz
Inica Kotasthane
Connor Lee
Gabrielle Linder
Elena Lukac
Ava Lyon-Sereno
Sasha Maroulis
Livy Molko
Clara Neilson-Papish
Valerie Sofia Rahman Yum
Julia Ryan
Reza Shayesteh
Bayan Shimizu
Aron Shklar
Zoe Silverman
Quinn Snyder
Joshua Thorne
Stella Turowsky-Ganci
Victor Uceda-Sosa
Kimberly Wing
Love Letter From the Feditors
To the beautiful girl reading this,
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the height of the 116th Street Gates, closed perpetually out of spite. I love thee in the warmth and snow, by sun and depression-lamp-light. I love thee as the space heater loves the security guard, swiping my ID by the firelight. I love thee unyieldingly, like this college administration as it bends to the will of the political right. I’ve loved thee all my life, and at least until Graduation, your heart I will never smite.
Love is in the air, and so is a brand-spanking-new edition of The Columbia Federalist. “Life is like a box of chocolates,” Tom Hanks once said. “You never know if when you open up the student satire paper, you’re going to see a map of campus cuck chairs or a fanfiction about two sentient, feuding newspapers.” Fortunately, you get both in this issue, plus a whole lot more…
So, hop onboard the Love Boat and save a seat for your lover. Or your situationship. Or your toxic ex. Or on-again-off-again relationship from NSOP, who you insist you’ve outgrown but still drunkenly text at 2 a.m. But before you turn the page, we have one last question for you. Will you be our Valentine? And, if not, we’ll settle for your Favorite Campus Newspaper. Promise we won’t tell anyone ;)
Xoxoxoxo,
Dani & Olivia Feditors-in-Chief
TABLE OF CONTENTS
PAGE 3: move over ao3... the fedtator4ever2005 is in town
PAGE 4: alma's lap is sooo warm
PAGE 5: will it be bob dylan or wonka tonight
PAGE 6: she is def using u for game pigeon
PAGE 7: something is in the air alright
PAGE 9: New members, try Primefree for 30 days!
PAGE 10: a new life has blessed the world
PAGE 11: work-life balance?
PAGE 12: DOUBLE TRUCK
PAGE 14: a part of the big boys
PAGE 15: fanfiction again
PAGE 16: mmm meaaattttt
PAGE 17: cupid knows the spots
"Pressed" Up: A Fed x Spec Fanfiction
By Kimberly Wing
Tags: #specxfed #fedtator #thecolumbiafederalist #columbiadailyspectator #enemiestolovers #slowburn #collegeau #columbiauniversity #newyorkcity #journalism
“ Spec !” A familiar voice belonging to Bwog called out, halting Spec on their way to the first day of class. “How was winter break?”
“Oh, it was alright.” Spec replied.
“I wanted to ask you what’s been going on around campus lately, but I’m late for class,” Bwog sighed. “I’ll catch you later at John Jay, okay?”
Spec nodded. They were a top student mainly concerned with getting As and working toward a career in journalism. Sometimes, they wished that they weren’t so boring. A low, husky chuckle from behind them interrupted their thoughts.
“If it isn’t The Columbia Daily Spectator .”
The Columbia Federalist was standing there in a really cool biker getup. The Fed was popular at Columbia for throwing the hottest parties at their SoHo penthouse. Their father was Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch, so their family was filthy rich and powerful. Also, they were just
naturally cool and funny, no matter how hard Spec tried to imitate their satire.
“Have you been watching me, Federalist ?” Spec snapped.
“Lighten up, Spec . I don’t think anyone cares about you that much. Where are you off to, anyway?”
“...Hamilton Hall for my Advanced Reporting Class,” Spec narrowed their eyes. “Why do you care?”
“Oh, no reason.” The Fed waved the other student publication off. “See you around campus, Spec .”
Rolling their eyes, Spec put on their headphones and made their way to Hamilton Hall. They were already a few minutes late, and they walked into the lecture hall to find Professor Roar-ee going over the syllabus. Spec shuffled to a creaky seat in the front row.
“ Spec being late to a journalism class?” A voice to their right scoffed. “I find that hard to believe.”
They turned, only to find The Columbia
Federalist sitting next to them.
“Ugh, what are you doing here?”
“I’m on the waitlist for this course.”
The Fed said with a grin that weirdly made Spec ’s heart flutter for some reason. “Are you going to drop so little ol’ me can take your spot?”
“I-In your dreams!” Spec sputtered, a light blush forming on their face.
“Excuse me, you two.” Professor Roaree cleared his throat. The entire class was staring at them. “If you have something to
Nicole Pi/Staff Artist
discuss with each other, please do so outside.”
Spec glared at The Fed , who only smirked in return. This was going to be a long semester.
A/N: hey guys hope u enjoyed my lil fedfic (haha get it, fanfic, fedfic) hehe XD! Tbh fedtator is my otp at Columbia. Wish they were canon ;-; lmk if i should make a part 2 ^_^ ~ fedtator4ever2005
Beware! I Did Sorority Rush and They Hazed Me Into Solving the Major Ethical Dilemmas of the Century
By Inica Kotasthane faculty house = house of nightmares...
I decided to rush this semester in pursuit of sisterhood, social validation, and the divine feminine. Upon entering Faculty House in my modestly slutty midi dress and nude heels, I expected to engage in some superficial conversation and harmless gossip with my potential future sisters. Despite being coached by my favorite BamaRush influencers, I was nowhere near prepared for the psychological and philosophical hoops I was forced to jump through at the whim of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen.
The moment I entered my first party, I knew I’d walked into a trap. We were told to stand in a circle, and one girl explained that our first task was to solve the age-old Trolley Problem. We had two minutes to provide a solution to the group and would then receive feedback. As the time ticked down, I struggled to think of an answer. The atmosphere of fruity body spray blurred my vision and jumbled my thoughts. Sweat beaded at my hairline as the mascara-framed eyes of the sisters bore into the depths of my soul. Let us scrutinize your moral judgment, they taunted. Show us your
ethical weaknesses so we can crush them between our perfectly-manicured fingers.
A perky blonde to the left of me volunteered to share first. “I would switch the trolley onto the other track so it only kills one person,” she said. “Obviously, this is the standard utilitarian view, but I stand by it.” The other PNMs nodded sagely as the sisters scribbled in their small notebooks. When it was my
turn, I stammered something about the implications of participating in the Trolley Problem: “While the Trolley Problem is a deeply unfortunate situation, I would recuse myself from making a decision. I am morally opposed to deciding the fate of others. The trolley would continue on its path without any interference from me.” The room was impressed with my unique take on the dilemma, and someone hummed approvingly. I let out a breath, relieved at having survived the situation. I rushed to the bathroom when the party ended, splashing my face with cold water as waves of anxiety ebbed through my body. I couldn’t handle the pressure, the scrutiny, the philosophical implications — it was all too much. The blonde from earlier came through the door and smiled sweetly. “I loved your answer, by the way,” she said. “Very refreshing. Also, I heard a little rumor that our next party has something to do with the Stanford Prison Experiment.” With this news, I walked out of Faculty House and never looked back.
Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist
Student Excited to Announce That They Are #OpenToDate
By Inica Kotasthane
LinkedIn Premium Subscriber
Hi everyone! I wanted to share an important update with my network regarding my personal life. I am now #OpenToDate! This comes after months of listening to ‘attracting, not chasing’ subliminals, writing affirmations in a notebook, and attending Alpha Male Bootcamp.
I want to thank my mentors at Alpha Male Bootcamp, my friends in the chastity club, and the little old lady who said I was a “handsome young man” for this opportunity! I’m looking forward to this new chapter of my life with my newfound perspective. Feel free to reach out via message
or drop your email in the comments if you or a friend are interested in this position. Thank you in advance for any connections, dating advice, or ‘desperate singles’ connections you can offer.
Best Cuck Chairs on Campus for Couples Looking to Try Something New This Valentine’s Day
By Inica Kotasthane stay safe kids
1. Milstein Green Chairs. The Fed specifically recommends the chairs on the 2nd floor overlooking Futter Field for their great lighting and easy access to the Zine Library. Known for being the epitome of comfort on campus, these mossy pieces of furniture offer the ideal angle to recline and enjoy the show of Barnardites scuttling to class.
2. Alma’s Lap. She’s a little cold around this time of year, but if physical contact is your love language,
Columbia Purchases Greenland
By Joshua Thorne
well those bags won't pack themselves
Interim President Armstrong revealed in a press release this morning that Columbia University has acquired the territory of Greenland in a move that has shocked many in the international community. Armstrong cited a need for the growing university community to expand: “I mean, at this point, we’ve pretty much run out of land to take over. Why stop at being the largest landowners in New York City? Besides, property values in Manhattan are insane. Greenland’s offer was well within our budget.”
The White House, which had previously been interested in acquiring the world’s largest island, expressed dismay that Armstrong had beaten Trump to the purchase. Some in the media have suggested that Greenland saw Columbia as a preferable buyer to Trump.
“I mean, at least Armstrong won’t rename Greenland,” one analyst surmised. “Trump would probably have tried to make it Redwhiteandblueland, or God knows what.”
On the ground, many in Greenland worry about what the purchase might mean for them. There are reports of preschools across Greenland being shut down and evicted in the wake of the purchase, but these are as of yet unconfirmed. Reactions are also mixed among the Columbia student body. Although many are thrilled at the prospect of a new Arctic campus, others were disappointed by Armstrong’s priorities. As one John Jay resident put it: “It just seems strange that Columbia can buy out a sovereign nation before they can fix the hot water in the dorms.” Perplexing indeed.
Alma’s your gal. Enjoy the iconic view of Butler Library and the erect Penis Fountains while your partner(s) go at it on the Sundial. When Alma’s locked up behind the barriers, you get some bonus bondage with a buddy.
3. NoCo Library Chair. With its vast ceiling mirrors, these chairs offer a unique opportunity to watch yourself get cucked. Cuckception, if you will. If you need a slutty and subtle pick-meup before Round 2, Joe’s Coffee is right there!
Artist
Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff
Dani Rivera/Arts Editor
Kylie Jenner’s Kids Can No Longer Fall Asleep Without a Harmonica Lullaby by Timothée Chalamet
By Livy Molko nighty night
With Timothée Chalamet and Kylie Jenner’s unsuspecting relationship going on two years next month, Chalamet has become a prominent figure in the Jenner household. For the past five years, Chalamet has worked to immerse himself into the role of Bob Dylan, learning the guitar and harmonica, and studying the life and discography of this great musician. This week, a source close to the couple describes how Chalamet’s method acting has seeped into the lives of the entire Kardashian
family. Kris Jenner often indulged in helping Chalamet with his lines, while Chalamet and Khloé Kardashian shared a personal trainer. Most notably, Jenner’s children with rapper Travis Scott have become accustomed to Chalamet hanging around the house. Reportedly, Stormi enjoys a lullaby on the harmonica, her favorite Dylan song being “Blowin’ In The Wind.” The six-year-old appreciates the ambiguous narration style and reference to humanity's unanswerable questions.
Additionally, the source describes that when three-year-old Aire has a nightmare, Kylie often sends Chalamet to comfort him with tender head scratches. After all, Chalamet’s Dylan-style grown-out nails are indistinguishable from Kylie’s acrylics. When asked if the couple plans on continuing their happy relationship together as talk of engagement looms in the media, Chalamet reportedly doesn’t think twice, deeming their relationship to be “all right.”
Barnard to Send Non-Emergency Response Messages Via Carrier Pigeon
By Dani Winkler
In response to student feedback, Senior Associate Director of Fire and Life Safety
Ashley Vargas reported on Friday that the Barnard CARES Response Team will begin to send non-emergency messaging via carrier pigeon. Previously, students had been alerted via an automated text messaging and phone call system. The office will continue to send automated text messages, but plans to replace the phone call — historically accompanied by a Purge Alarm ringtone — with an inperson message delivered by carrier pigeon. In an exclusive interview with The Federalist , Ms. Vargas confirmed that the college would be employing a combination of real pigeons and biomimetic avian drones sourced from
China. “The birds have been instructed to deliver non-emergency alerts to students at any time, anywhere in the world,” she said.
“If the recipient is not outside at the time of alert, the birds have been given permission to make contact with the student by any means necessary.”
When asked if the drones, originally programmed for espionage, could later be used to
collect information on student protesters and free-speech advocates on campus, Ms. Vargas declined to comment.
Isabella Palit/Staff Artist
Study: Low Library Actually Pretty High Relative to Most of Campus
By Bayan Shimizu
QUIZ: Does She Love You, or Is She Just Using You for 8 Ball?
By Beau Gantz
gasp!!!!
Following a study conducted by the Columbia Graduate School of Architecture, researchers determined that Low Library falsely claimed an altitude far below its real location on campus. Architectural scholars, who had long left the assumption that Low Library was named as such due to its position as the lowest altitude on campus, reassessed this profile after leaving Lerner Hall and asking the receptionist what the big domed building was called.
Proposals for a new name for Low Library are currently being voted on by Columbia’s board of directors - currently, the name “Above-Sea-Level-but-Only-by-a-Few-Meters Library” holds a slim lead, beating out the contenders of “Average Altitude Library,” “Admissions Page Image Library,” and “NYPL Morningside Heights 2.”
Follow The Federalist for updates on new reports by the School of Architecture, indicating that Butler Library may lack the serving staff that its name implies.
Poli Sci Student Discovers Passion for Devil's Advocacy
By Beau Gantz #inspirational
One of the most important tasks that college students face is discerning what exactly they are passionate about. Finding a worthwhile vocation is something that all of us hope for in our pursuit of a more fulfilling and rewarding career. Recently, one Lion discovered exactly what their calling is—serving as a lifelong Devil’s Advocate.
Lou Siffer (CC ‘28) always knew he wanted to work in politics, but it wasn’t until this year that he realized how much he enjoyed playing Devil’s Advocate. “I was in the middle of a class discussion about welfare, and I realized that I could say whatever horrible opinion I want, as long as I say I’m just speaking on behalf of Satan, praise be,” Siffer tells
The Fed . “It was really an epiphany for me.”
Since then, Siffer has devoted himself towards advocating for positions so indefensible that only Beelzebub himself could support them. Siffer recounts, “I go into classes I’m not registered for, I plant my ass in a seat, and I put my hand straight up in the air. People need to know that the Devil has something to say, and that I, a nineteen-yearold man, am his mouthpiece on this mortal plane.” The political science major has gained a reputation for completely derailing Socratic seminars, and for forcing sleep-deprived eighteenyear-olds to disprove his claim that “Sappho would have voted for Trump.”
Siffer has found true meaning and purpose in his role as full-time Devil’s Advocate. “It’s so important to me that the ideology of the Devil is well-represented in the classroom. People think that just because an opinion is dumb, evil, and wrong, it doesn’t have a place in academia. There needs to be a space for ideas that make everything worse for everybody.”
Now, the challenge for Siffer is finding time to further his advocacy work. “It’s a tough balance,” Siffer says, “between this, my academic work, and the six to eight hours a day I spend starting fights on Sidechat. No rest for the wicked, amirite?”
When you two are spending time together, you are most often…
a. Watching a movie
b. Sharing a meal
c. Making each other laugh
d. Miles apart sending each other GamePigeon messages
She is most likely to describe you as…
a. Charming
b. Kind
c. Funny
d. Great at hitting tricky offthe-wall bank shots
Something that could damage your relationship is…
a. Politics
b. Miscommunications
c. Future plans
d. If GamePigeon produced
a single player version of 8 Ball, rendering you obsolete
You two most enjoy talking about…
a. Each other
b. Your days
c. Your favorite movies
d. How frustrating it is when you make a tough shot but you scratch immediately after
pigeon-zoned?
She first and foremost thinks of you as…
a. Her crush
b. Her partner
c. Her friend
d. Either stripes or solids
If you told her you loved her, she would say… a. I love you too!
b. I know
c. Oh, wow… d.
Mostly a’s, b’s, or c’s: We don’t Mostly a’s, b’s, or c’s: We don’t know your relationship that well, but it seems like there’s a pretty decent chance this person actually really cares about you. Congrats.
Mostly d’s: We are pretty confident that this person is only using you for your exceptional ability and general willingness to play virtual pool. There’s a slim chance you matter to this person, but we’re honestly pretty certain that 8 Ball isn’t the only thing getting played in this relationship.
Nicole Pi/Staff Artist
I Lived It: I Used the Fires in LA to Reconnect With My Hometown Situationship
By Nicole Pi
in the heat of the moment
When the fires broke out in LA a few weeks ago, it wasn’t the acrid smell of smoke or the apocalyptic orange sky that unsettled me the most — it was the way they reminded me of him
Yes, him . My personal natural disaster. My emotional wildfire. My smoldering wreckage of a situationship.
The parallels were uncanny. Just like the fires, he came into my life without warning, fueled by some inexplicable spark (probably boredom on both our parts), and quickly spiraled out of control. One minute, I was minding my business, and the next, I was in a smoldering mess of late-night texts, breadcrumbed affection, and unsolicited guitar covers of Arctic Monkeys songs.
Much like the flames spreading through the hills, we burned hot and bright at first. “You’re
so different,” he said. “I feel like I can talk to you about anything.” Oh, how I foolishly believed it. But just like the smoke choking the city, his attention became suffocating in all the wrong ways. Every time I tried to extinguish things, he came back, hotter and more chaotic, like, “Hey, let’s just hang out as friends. I miss your vibe.”
Eventually, though, the flames died down. Last year, I finally managed to stamp out the embers for good, and he stopped reaching out. But don’t get make started on the damage. The fires took out homes, landmarks, and years of trust in the stability of the world. He took out my sense of self-worth, my Spotify algorithm, and my ability to enjoy “505” without cringing. And unlike the homeowners, I don’t have insurance—just a group chat that says “girl, block him” every time I try to vent.
It was only a matter of time before I gave in. Call it a moment of weakness or sheer pyromania, but I reached back out. “Hope you’re staying safe with all the fires,” I texted, fully aware that I was throwing gasoline on an already dangerous situation. His reply came back faster than a spark catching on dry brush: “I was just thinking about you.” And just like that, I was back in the middle of this emotional inferno, pretending I wasn’t the one who struck the match.
We met up “as friends,” which, of course, quickly turned into a four-hour conversation about his “passion project” (a podcast he hasn’t started yet) while I tried not to choke on the fumes of regret. By the end, I knew I was playing with fire again—but honestly, it’s so cold outside, and who doesn’t love a little warmth, even if it comes with a third-degree burn?
Undercover Boss? Dean Sorett Spotted in Beanie and Sunglasses
By Izzy Szyfer
Hot off the presses—Columbia’s resident bald baddie Dean Josef Sorett was spotted on College Walk yesterday in a scandalous getup: a black beanie and aviator sunglasses. Why would this chrome-domed diva cover that shiny bald head and those dreamy steely baby blues? Why has he taken on this model-off-duty nonchalant rockstar persona? Simple: he’s going incognito to see the state of Columbia, Undercover Boss style. Sorett was seen going up to fellow sunglassed “peers” and saying, “Suh, dude. Love
the Ray-Bans. Do you think there is room for peaceful dissent in the Columbia Community while upholding our shared values?” He then griddied away to another unsuspecting beanie bro and said “My slime, is that Carhartt? No way! Would you like to take your ID card and heart to a really chill event in Earl Hall tonight?” The Fed asked one of these accidental victims their thoughts after the interaction: “I mean, he was a little weird, but lowkey there were some chill vibes. I’d dap him up at Senior Night.”
who is this diva??????
Isabella Palit/Staff Artist
Women’s Health Win! Barnard to Offer FREE Bagels and Pap Schmears
By Syd Finver
absolute is back baby
In honor of Valentine's Day, Barnard's Health and Wellness team is proud to present free bagels and pap schmears for all Barnardians. Organizers hope that the event will bring awareness to women's health on a day when sex is on the top of everyone's minds and women's rights to healthcare is typically disregarded. Barnard believes that Valentine's Day is a time to spread love and sexual
health awareness, not HPV. In an exclusive interview with the Wellness leader responsible for this event, Dr. Catallozzi shared that the Barnard Wellness Center has partnered up with the beloved, though shuttered, Absolute Bagels that closed just months ago.
With this collaboration, leaders at Absolute are given a second chance, but with one minor promise. Going forward,
with every bagel bought, femaleidentifying customers will receive a free pap smear from the head baker (personally trained by Chef Mike). This includes the femaleidentifying rats that live in the facility, as they will be guaranteed free healthcare as well. Thankfully, this is exactly what the Christian martyr and clergyman, Saint Valentine, would have wanted.
Dear Freshmen: That A- WILL Ruin Your Life
By Kimberly Wing
rechecking SSOL won't make u feel better <3
Last year, when I got my spring semester grades back, I received an A- in Calculus. “Well, an A is an A, so a win is a win,” I thought. My parents told me that as long as I tried my best in college, that was all that mattered.
That way of thinking, however, doesn’t fly at an institution like Columbia. When I first stepped onto campus as a sophomore, I was thinking about the clubs, internships, and research positions I wanted to apply to, until I passed the Low Steps.
“Dumbass.” A voice to my left hissed.
“Huh?” I took out my AirPods.
“You heard me, DUMBASS.” Alma Mater had come to life and was looking at me straight in the eye. “How did you even get into this school?
It took me a moment to realize what she was referring to.
“Miss Mater, I really tried my best in that Calculus class. One A- isn’t that bad, right?”
“HAH! You think you can waltz into Columbia University in the City of New York with an Ain Calculus?” The statue leaned out of her chair. “Foolish child. How dare you tarnish Columbia’s prestige with an A-! Mark my words, the rest of
your time here will be a living hell!”
Since then, my sophomore year has been nothing but a nightmare. My advisor suggested that I switch to the Underwater Basket Weaving major because I struggle in math. I’ve been rejected from every research position and internship I’ve applied to; I knew that as soon as recruiters saw that A-, they threw my application in the trash. During syllabus week, several of my professors sent me an email suggesting I drop their class because I barely passed the calculus prerequisite.
My future is doomed, and I’m so unemployed I rival The Fed ’s entire eboard. I’m thinking about transferring to Cornell, maybe even NYU. At least they’ll give me an easier time.
So yeah, to all freshmen: keep up that 4.0 GPA. Don’t ask me what happens if you get anything lower than an A-, because I haven’t seen my friend who got a B in Gen Chem since June of last year.
Isabella Palit/Staff Artist
Syd Finver/Staff Artist
"Man, I Miss Winter Break," Says Student Who Doesn't Do Any
Work During the Semester Either
By Sylvi Stein
it's a lifestyle
As the spring semester has started to kick into gear, students have already begun to grumble about the workload building up. None are more vocal than local junior, Ann O. Ying, who has been reportedly complaining to her friends that winter break was just too darn short. "I can't believe I'm already back in school and doing all these readings," Ms. Ying sighed, despite the fact that she had not even looked at the syllabus for four out of her five classes yet. "I just wish I could be back
at home, relaxing without a care in the world, instead of working so hard and stressing myself out,” she added, having just finished sitting in Butler and going on a four-hour Instagram Reels scrolling spree. According to The Fed 's investigative reporting, Ms. Ying then proceeded to open her laptop to the Canvas tab that had been sitting untouched since December, sigh loudly when it requested Duo multi-factor authentication, and open a new tab to start looking into spring break flights.
Missed Connections: That One Statue Next to Futter Field
By Sylvi Stein
Saw you as I was power-walking to Diana before class to get a burrito bowl. Couldn't take my eyes off your oxidized green tunic (retro chic!), or your adorable bob (also green). Also intrigued by the enormous blunt you were clutching. #decriminalizemarijuana, am I right? My ex Alma isn't returning my calls, so I'm sort of looking for a rebound casual
kinda thing. Down for drinks at Arts & Crafts this weekend?
We Let Jeff Bezos Buy The Federalist
By Ava Young-Stoner
Eliora Riebling/Staff Artist We don’t care. We took the money. He has a hot girlfriend and journalistic ethics have never been real. Look at yourself, you freak! You’re wearing Amazon sweatpants! You bought a watch battery on Amazon! No one is fucking innocent. Goodbye.
Isabella Palit/Staff Artist
Having a Yerb With You (in
the style of Frank O'Hara)
By Dani Winkler & Ashley Rapp
yerbooty is cute
is even more fun than going to Amity, 1020, The Heights, The Expat, Suite or being sick to my stomach on the Via back to your dorm
partly because when drinking your Orange Exuberance you look like a better happier St. John (the Divine) partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for South American infusions partly because of the fluorescent yellow cans around the apartment partly because of the Bluephoria our lips reveal before people on the street it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as cold
as refreshing as pleasantly caffeinated when right in front of it in the cold suite refrigerator light, we are drifting back and forth between each other like a metal tab dangling from a Revel Berry
and the RatRock show seems to have no faces in it at all, just blurry film photographs you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever took them
I look at you and I would rather look at you than all the photographs in the world except possibly for the ones posted on the official Yerba Mate Instagram account occasionally and anyway there’s a truck outs outside handing out Enlighten Mints until three which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together.
John Jay and Fac Shack Had a Baby: They Named Him Johnny
By Quinn Snyder
JUSTICE FOR JOHNNY
It was a love story out of one of those cheesy rom coms. John Jay was a lonely dining hall with nowhere to go. He felt stuck–like titanium beams holding him into the ground. Then, out of pure chance, he met Fac Shack. She was everything he wasn’t. She was mobile, petite, and had a beautiful silver bumper — hubba hubba! ;)
John Jay was enamored by her presence, and the water in his kitchen began to bubble with excitement. “What brings you here on this fine semester?” he asked Fac Shack in his greatest attempt at rizz.
“I was displaced from my home country, East Campus. Massive destruction (and construction) forced my migration to the unknown land,” replied Fac Shack.
“Well I’m happy you parked your caboose here,” said John Jay with a wink.
Fac Shack’s tires began to spin with excitement.
After that things began to move fast. John Jay proposed to Fac Shack on Halloweekend, and by the end of midterm season they were happy
newlyweds. After a romantic honeymoon on the corner of 114th street, Fac Shack realized she was pregnant.
On the 19th of January 2025, John Jay and Fac Shack welcomed a 30 ft 1.5 ton baby boy named Johnny into the Columbia Dining world. The baby boy had his mother’s tires, his mother's color, his mother’s bumper-well actually he was pretty much an exact replica of his mother just
it was quite the baby shower!
with a different name (oh, the creativity!)
Unfortunately, the joy of having a newborn was quickly torn away from the happy couple. After Trump was inaugurated, he signed an executive order which called for the deportation of Fac Shack back to East Campus. John Jay will have to raise their son alone until Fac Shack receives a court date in 2045.
Isabella Palit/Staff Artist
Dani Rivera/Arts Editor
A SONNET FOR A PLASTIC ROD
By Gabrielle Linder
dainty and delicate
Oh Nexplanon, thou slender, silent lance, guard my—well, technically no longer mine, depending on the state’s judicial stance broadcast on an interstate billboard sign.
No votes can sway your steadfast, sacred post, you scoff at laws men scribble in God’s name.
No congressman or court can dare to boast they’ve wrested power from your constant flame.
Through rights debates, you stay steadfast and sure, immune to gerrymanders, bribes, or bans your reign, at least for three years, shall endure, to protect me from their cold jelly scans.
So here’s my ode, dear rod of potent grace— the winner of my hormonal arms race!
Isabella Palit/Staff Artist
Self Care Win: This Student Dropped Out
By Beau Gantz
u gotta do what u gotta do
Life as a Columbia student can be kinda stressful. High workloads, high academic standards, and high expectations can all make life on campus pretty intense. That’s why it’s so important to celebrate deliberate acts of self-care that recenter our own personal well-being. We at The Fed would like to take a moment to congratulate one of our fellow students for a courageous self-care win: Columbia sophomore Colin Nitkwitz has officially dropped out.
The move has made Colin’s life better in pretty much every way. “I don’t have to worry about another final for the rest of my life. I feel like I found Nirvana,” Colin reported while sipping a tropical cocktail with a little umbrella in it. “I should’ve done this a long time ago.”
When asked about what inspired Colin to
take up such a drastic act of self-acceptance, he cited the revelatory experience of winter break. “I got back, and after like two weeks, I remembered that I have near-hourly mental breakdowns about school and that I actually don’t have to do it. Now I just sort of chill. It’s awesome.”
Critics have drawn attention to Colin’s diminishing career options after abandoning his degree in German Literature and Cultural History. “Oh, of course,” Colin responded, “because I was just drowning in career options earlier. I’m just gonna try to get famous with a podcast or start dealing drugs or something.” Colin isn’t certain about what exactly his future will look like, but he remains optimistic, saying, “The world’s probably going to end in the next 10 years anyway, so who even cares.”
“Five Stars for Five-Head”: Lily-Rose Depp’s Groundbreaking Forehead Representation
By Joshua Thorne
nosFOREatu
Lily Rose-Depp’s starring role in Robert Egger’s remake of the classic film Nosferatu has been critically acclaimed, but for many Columbia students, she’s more than a scream queen. For many who have grown up insecure about their large heads and receding hairlines, Lily-Rose Depp’s shamelessly capacious forehead has been game-changing. The oft-maligned “big-headed bitch” of “trench coat buttoned to the TOP” fame has embraced the upper third of her face in and out of character, eschewing beauty norms for a signature look that has inspired many others in the big-headed community. “It’s so inspiring to see someone as beautiful as her be so proud of her egg-like physiognomy,” said one ample-headed student, bravely sporting a slicked-back ponytail, who was moved by Depp’s appearance. “It gives a lot of us so much hope.” In an era in which pop culture icons like Sabrina Carpenter have brought
bangs back into the mainstream, some have begun to push back against the Bang Lobby (sneeringly referred to in pro-forehead circles as Big Bang), arguing that “forehead positivity” should be more widely adopted. With LilyRose Depp, the forehead lobby now has a compelling female celebrity who they can claim as their own, following years of reign by Harry Styles and that one hot guy from The Conjuring . Not everyone, however, is equally thrilled by her influence. “I mean, she can pull it off,” admitted one forehead-skeptical student, “but she has the face for it. She can afford to look like an egg sometimes. I’m worried that too many basic bitches will be emboldened by her to think they can pull it off too, but the uncomfortable truth is that that majority of y’all need curtain bangs, at the very least.” Only time (and slick-stick profit margins) will tell whether Depp’s hairline advocacy will prevail.
President Trump Unveils the Committee On Containing Knowledge
By Ava Lyon-Sereno & Aron Shklar
Last week President Trump announced the erection of a new body: the Committee On Containing Knowledge (C.O.C.K.), tasked with erecting standards for educational material. Described as “the climax of our efforts to reform teaching in America” by Joseph J. Rogan, a well-known Ivermectin enthusiast and a nominee for head of the department, many Americans have already begun expressing their ecstasy at this new policy thrust whipped out by the Trump
administration. The announcement encompasses a plan for a well-lubricated yet firm system of bureaucracy, including a website for eager citizens to submit their tips.
In an attempt to beat off the critics, President Trump has satisfied the public by announcing that he has a rock-hard commitment to C.O.C.K. and will be increasing the national budget to ensure a well-endowed funding base. With his finger clearly on the throbbing pulse of American politics, Trump
“All Ham Dilly La!” Says CU Republican Trying Yemeni Latte at Qahwah House
By Federalist Staff
haram haha oops indeed
Ashley Rapp/Head Submission Editor
Upon reading President Armstrong’s recent email calling for “genuine dialogue between people from all backgrounds,” Carnegie Winthrop (CC '26) visited Qahwah House and was pleasantly surprised. “You know, when I walked in, I was a bit thrown off by all the head coverings, but to be fair it was quite nippy
declared the new committee would have several divisions, including the Bureau Of Oppressing Books (B.O.O.B.), the Association of School Standards (A.S.S.), and the Committee on Loyalty, Instruction, and Teaching (C.L.I.T.). The administration proclaimed this committee would “usher in a new type of protection” for Americans across the country, who will no longer have to be exposed to things like “ideas” or “knowledge.”
JD Vance “Just Wants to Fit In”
By Livy Molko
little man big dreams
outside,” he commented. After some brief confusion, wherein Carnegie asked for a menu printed in English, he settled on an iced Yemeni latte.
“At first, the coffee tasted a little spicy, but once I got used to that it was delicious! I even got a second cup! Looks like someone did a haram. Haha oops!”
We at The Federalist commend Carnegie for stepping out of his comfort zone. Join him next week for his trek up to Grace Dodge!
In a cabinet filled with some of the most successful men in the world, one small (5’6”) man tends to get lost in the crowd. Oh JD, we feel for you. Becoming one of the boys takes time (and billions of dollars), but maybe one day you will get there! Your hard work retrieving the iced lattes for Trump, Musk, Zuckerberg, and Bezos does not go unnoticed. We also saw that you sorted the pens in color order. Way to go, bud! Hey, that technique of mirroring Trump’s exact mannerisms looks good on you, big guy. We loved the way you boys sat in identical positions during the inauguration: manspread and all, hands on the knees, just like Beavis and Butthead. Good going, pal. Keep up the great work, champ—just keep your head up, and you will fit in soon!
PCHS To Offer Free Separation Surgeries for Conjoined Couples
By Dani Winkler & Ashley Rapp
love the healthcare system
This Valentine’s Day, ask your lover for the most romantic gift of all: a little space, for Christ’s sake! As a “holiday special,” Barnard’s Primary Care Health Services will be offering separation surgeries to couples at the college who have found themselves quite literally joined at the hip. This news comes as no surprise given that the college’s rates of anxious attachment styles have skyrocketed in recent weeks following the culmination of winter break. Federalist reporters have noted an increase of makeouts in the Diana
Center, linked carabiners connecting partners, and dorm “mega-beds” formed by pushing two twin-XLs together.
This service came to fruition following a unanimous vote by the Consortium of Suitemates United Against Giggling and Yapping (COSUGAY), a committee that serves the college’s residential life office and collaborates with other campus entities. In an attempt to prolong separation post-surgery, PCHS will remove all Dental Dams and UTI medications from the Brooks vending machines.
The LitHum Syllabus Explained in BookTok Tropes
By Izzy Szyfer
slow burn is my personal fav
Completely lost in LitHum? Fret not with this handy-dandy guide to your favorite Lit Hum books with terms from the internet’s horniest little book nerds.
The Exaltation of Inanna : female rage, revenge plot.
The Iliad : M/M, golden retriever x quiet nerdy boy, military romance, friends to lovers, M/F/M love triangle, TONS of ships but like not in the way you’d think, another love triangle but it’s F/M/M.
The Odyssey : SLOW BURN second-chance romance. Like slowwwwww burrrrnnnnnn. Fantasy elements.
Also the male main character has such “touch her and I’ll kill you vibes.” (content warning: murder).
Sappho's If Not, Winter : F/F, yearning, pining, she falls first and they don’t fall at all, more yearning + pining, multiple love interests, island romance, unfinished (I think the fanfic author gave up? idk).
Plato’s Symposium : age gap relationship, omfwb (older man friends with benefits), M/M/M/M/M/M/M, grumpy professor vibes, fluff.
The Lais of Marie de France : historical romantasy, forbidden love, love
triangles, werewolf romance, bird romance.
Augustine’s Confessions : first love, second chance romance, the second chance is with the Church, he’s a PRIEST???? (author’s note: did not finish this one).
Pride and Prejudice : grumpy x sunshine, he falls first, enemies to lovers, slow burn, no spice (like seriously, none), dramatic letters, yearning, pining, second chance romance, forced proximity, marriage of convenience, excellent vegetables.
Isabella Palit/Staff Artist
Majestic, Moist, (Malicious) Mystery Meat
By Sophia Brown
mmmm yummmyyy!!!
I walked into Ferris looking for a delectable treat, but nothing caught my eye save for some mystery meat!
Given the cleanliness — heck, there’s even a new floor!!
I figured it couldn’t be something I would abhor. I made my way to the fated trough, grabbed a plate — Ooo, I just know this will sate!
You may question my judgment, but I’m not easy to please. I verily saw the one true cure to my munchies!
It had a lovely brownish hue, and to be honest with you all, I still never will find fault in this meal, my downfall.
The anonymous animal was a most sumptuous pleasure. I got three helpings and ate at my leisure.
Never mind the ever so slightly carbonated juice leaking out, Nothing in life is perfect, not even that scent, so delicious to my snout.
They say that time heals all wounds, and that’s a nice refrain –my digestive tract will never be the same.
I’ll never regain those hours spent on the porcelain throne; The Barnard Hall all-gender bathrooms became my second home. I’ve always been asked, Do you regret taking a portion to go?
And I will continue to shake my head: No.
RFK Jr. To Ban Shaving Above the Knee
By Olivia Ruble
quel scandale....
Washington, D.C. — In a surprise broadcast last night, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Donald Trump’s pick to head the Department of Health and Human Services, announced his first major policy initiative: a nationwide ban on shaving above the knee. Kennedy has faced scrutiny over his claims on vaccines, fluoride, and nutrition, but this proposal was met with unexpected bipartisan enthusiasm. Senator Chuck Schumer of New York hailed the policy, declaring, “Frankly, I’m relieved. Ingrown hairs around my bikini line have been a menace for years.”
Not everyone was on board, however. The American Safety Razor Company issued a somber statement, calling the ban “a devastating blow to liberty—and our quarterly profits.” Government watchdog groups blasted the move as “knee-jerk authoritarianism,” and Representative Jim Jordan of Ohio raised a practical concern: Would the ban extend to other hair-removal methods like waxing and laser treatments? “Congressman Jordan is
GOP Deems Valentine’s Candy a Threat to Pro-Life Movement: Introduces Bill Requiring Women to Take “Rear and Deliver Oath” to Purchase
By Federalist Staff
isn't that sweet
Washington, D.C. — On Capitol Hill this week, House Republicans took a pause from sorting out the many problems affecting the country to deal with a far more pressing issue: the completely unregulated sale of Valentine’s Day candy to women.
“The seductive nature of the candies lining our shelves today is completely beyond the pale,” Speaker Mike Johnson adamantly stated while gesturing furiously at a pile of Sweethearts and Hershey’s Kisses. “If our government can regulate the sale of cigarettes, we have to be able to stop the utterly dangerous thoughts these sweet treats are planting in our citizens’ minds. An innocent young lady might buy a ‘cutie pie’ Sweetheart for her hometown beau, and before you know it, she’s pregnant, he’s ditched her for a new Hershey kiss fling, and she’s getting an abortion.”
With the issue of reproductive rights remaining an ever-present struggle between the two parties, reports say Republicans are happy to have the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone, but in a “pro-life” kind of way. As Speaker Johnson stressed, “Our government needs to make sure every woman who buys a bag of Valentine’s Fun Dip knows exactly the kind of risk she’s automatically taking, and this bill takes care of that by making every female purchaser swear a binding oath to carry any pregnancies produced from this subversive, sugar-fueled encounter to term.”
As this bill has inched towards the President’s desk, further specifics from the proposed legislation have been made public. The act will require women to house children covered by the act until age 18, provide each child born with their own copy of the Trump
worried about his personal investment,” explained a spokesperson. “He prepaid for a 12-session laser package, and we all know if you don’t finish the sessions, it grows back thicker.”
In response to the criticism, Kennedy stood firm. “This isn’t about razors. It’s about freedom,” he said in a follow-up interview, during which he was shirtless and sporting a jungle of gray chest hair. “True liberation begins where the razor stops.”
Bible™, conduct nightly bedtime readings of said text, ensure that each child registers as a Republican voter, and provide children with at least two siblings. “That way,” the act states, “they won’t grow up to be a weird only child and instead will get to be part of a great, functional, American family like the Trumps!”
It remains to be seen if the legislative branch will move quickly enough in order for this act to take effect this Valentine’s Day. This has been good news to many, since as the Democratic minority has assured Americans, chances are by Valentine’s Day next year the U.S. won’t be around anymore anyway!
Isabella Palit/Staff Artist
Isabella Palit/Staff Artist
So Fucking Hot: Roar-ee Gets a Perm
By Oliver Green cuuurrlllyyheeeaaddd
If you’ve been on campus since the semester began, you know there’s one thing that everybody has been talking about: Roar-ee’s new look. Clearly, over break, the feline sensation went home and decided to level up by getting a perm. It’s been 113 years, so I guess it was about time. Along with his new hairstyle, the mascot also has a new outfit consisting of a black Puma high-neck zip-up and five-inch inseam shorts, sure to make all the lionesses go wild.
Since word got out about Roar-ee’s new appearance, Columbia basketball games have experienced a remarkable 2000% jump in attendance numbers. Unfortunately for eager fans, Columbia Athletics has had to install a private box above the arena at a safe distance for Roar-ee to watch the games, as he worries one solid tousle from a student could totally ruin his whole new vibe.
Envious of all the attention Roar-ee has been receiving, several other Columbia faculty members have reportedly adopted the hairstyle, including Dean Sorrett, who was spotted last Tuesday with a conspicuously lush blonde head of curly hair.
Top 6 Romantic Campus Spots to Take Your Valentine
By Cupid
1. CPS: Counseling and Psychological Services to some, Couple’s Preferred Spot to others. Between the cellists and the candles, you’ll surely find love in these offices.
2. Study rooms with glass walls: use the whiteboard to play hangman, _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _! What could it spell?
3. Chef Mike’s: sandwiches split Lady and the Tramp style. Will you kiss in the middle? Find out!
4. Dodge Pool: indoor kayaking by moonlight, getting tangled in the lane lines, chlorine, and passion floating in the air.
5. Quad Practice Rooms: Dark! Scary! Sexy...?
6. The Floor Between Floors in Lerner: get lost in the folds of time and space together. Do you even exist there? What effect will this metaphysical experience have on your love?
This Valentine’s Day: Cuff A Barnard College Wife™
By Ava Min
‘Tis the season of bar bathroom tear-offs — your golden opportunity to cuff a Barnard College Wife™.
The Barnard College Wife™, sourced locally from Liz’s, is the perfect resource for managing the stressful ins and outs of Columbia life. She breathes (through her Geekbar)! She cries (while folding your laundry)! She accompanies you to JJ's (on alternate Monday and Wednesday nights)! She lands appropriately scathing jokes about threesomes when you incidentally pique the competing interest of an organically pierced and tatted female… She's your college girlfriend! Successfully place your order by writing a choice comment under one of her IG ghostposts or gifting her a Trader Joe’s potted hyacinth.
The Barnard College Wife™ package comes with one vegan leather collar, two pairs of handcuffs, and six separate validating assurances that trying butt stuff does not, in fact, make you gay, but actually decreases your risk of prostate cancer.
(Note: Daily quickies included in our premium plan, along with a Tradwife option if you are craving freshly churned butter in the comfort of your own dorm. Plan does not cover protection from noise or scent complaints incurred by prospective suitemates).
Upon graduation, end your term with Barnard College Wife™ by entering a call phrase:
A. "I'm just not ready for something serious yet"
B. "I feel like we're going in different directions"
C. "It’s not you, it's me"
Remind yourself that you’re doing your Barnard College Wife™ a favor by rewilding her back to Hinge. If you spot her bumming cigarettes outside of the Roti Roll on Amsterdam and looking rather blue, don’t feel as though you’ve done something wrong. It’s an expected side effect of the WICMED procedure (Weaponized Incompetence in College Males Eventual Desensitization).
So head to Milstein and snag yourself a Barnard College Wife™ this Valentine's Day! Carefully curated in the image of the nurturing mother you relinquished to your hometown and fully outfitted with an official Barnard Store thong, our brand-new product is guaranteed to slake your every craving (and crevice) for the next four years — no less, no longer.
Happy cuffing!
she is everything and more ;)
Syd Finver/Staff Artist
sooo cute
Heartwarming: Barnard Receives Donation of 50 Cents and Half-Eaten Hot Dog
By Kimberly Wing
With the announcement that Barnard will be $252 million in projected debt for its construction project, the college is scrambling to redistribute its funding and grow its endowment. Emails have been sent to students, parents, and alumni asking for donations — or perhaps a spare million or two they might happen to have sitting in their bank accounts.
Just in time for the spring semester, Barnard College finally got what it asked for. In January, the college’s Office of Development and Alumnae Relations received an anonymous donation: neatly packed in a 1 gallon Ziploc bag, this gift consisted of two quarters and a half-eaten Chili Bacon Cheese Dog from a Nathan’s Famous food cart.
“Well, when you think about it, a Nathan's Chili Bacon Cheese Dog is $7.99, so half of that is pretty much $4. Add in the two quarters, and Barnard only has $251,999,995.50 of debt left to pay. We might even be able to get something for the Ziploc bag,” the head of Barnard’s finances told The Fed , before a dry tear fell from the
corner of her eye.
This donation comes after members of Barnard’s administration reportedly relied on sitting on Santa’s lap and asking for 5 dollars or putting “$250 mil pweez :3” on their holiday wishlists as their primary source of fundraising.
Isabella Palit/Staff Artist
The Fed’s
Guide to Polyamory:
How to Maximize Your Number of Dates on Feb 14
By Dani Rivera
hoes in every area code
1) Wake up at 5 AM. No excuses. Coffee date #1 is happening bright and early, maybe followed by some rock climbing with your polycule. Can’t happen if you’re sleeping in.
2) Rollerskate between dates to be more efficient. The subway can get delayed, Uber is expensive, and CitiBike-ing from Morningside Heights to Bushwick will be too.
3) There are 3 meals in a day. Plus coffee (which we did by waking up early) and also drinks and a second coffee date in the afternoon. Maybe also clubbing since V-Day is on a Friday. You’re booked and busy for each one of these, start saving up now.
4) If you’re ever running late, make sure to carry a purplereddish eyeshadow palette and fake some bruises. You accidentally fell on your way, duh! It’s also more believable if you show up in the rollerskates we suggested. Never admit to poor scheduling, it’s embarrassing when you’re poly (you should’ve been locked in on that GCal).
Sure, one could say that the goal of polyamory isn’t to date as many people as you can….but at The Fed , we advocate for chaos and degeneracy. Have fun with your ‘cule!
Barnard Girl at Heart: Hillary Requests More Secret Service Agents Who Look Like Timothée Chalamet
By Federalist Staff
Were you too young to experience the 2015 Hillary Clinton email scandal? Good news! WikiLeaks has outdone itself, releasing email correspondence between Professor Clinton and the Secret Service where she requests more agents who look like Timothée Chalamet.
In the message, Professor Clinton was quoted as saying, “I lowk need me some ugly hot,” claiming office hours with a bi Barnard girl radicalized her. The email continued with several NSFW paragraphs before Professor Clinton got to her official request: “Get some Timmies up in this bitch [Columbia University].” As a reference, the email concluded with a 3GB folder consisting of Timothée Chalamet thirst traps that Professor Clinton sourced from TikTok.
The Secret Service relayed initial concern that looking like Timothée Chalamet might compromise agents’ disguise as Poli Sci students. However, Professor Clinton appeared to not “gaf,” adamant she deserves a Monica Lewinsky too.
The email’s timing has raised some questions, as it was sent mere days before the Timothée Chalamet lookalike meetup in Washington Square Park. Suspiciously, a student in her Neoliberalism 101 class told The Fed that Professor Clinton had cancelled office hours that day.
After camping out in front of the SIPA building for 26 hours, I was able to ask
the former secretary of state if she has intentions of pursuing Timothée himself, and what she thinks of his relationship with famous person (?) Kylie Jenner. Hillary responded with a wink, “Well-behaved women rarely make history!”
deep pockets, deeper resentment
Mikey Madison To Teach Russian For Heritage Speakers I & II
By Ava Young-Stoner
seksual'noye preduprezhdeniye
After the broad success and acclaim of Anora (despite my mid Letterboxd review lolz follow me @moistweave), Columbia’s Slavic Department has announced that the film’s leading actress, Mikey Madison, has joined their adjunct faculty as a Lecturer in Russian and Early Church Slavonic. Despite not being a native Russian speaker, Department Head Liza Knapp argued that Madison accurately portrayed the secondgeneration immigrant experience of sounding pretty mid when speaking Russian, which appeals to many Brooklyn-originating students. Madison will study for an expedited PhD in Comparative Film Translation over the summer, just in time for the new school year. Other Oscar-nominees entering the Columbia scene include Adrian Brody teaching AI Ethics and Cynthia Erivo taking over Professor Matthew Engelke’s class “Magic and Modernity.”
Seasonal Depression Lands Full-Time Job as Regular Depression
By Beau Gantz
problems -> profit
A major career move is making headlines in the mental illness industry—according to a press release posted on their Instagram story this morning, your Seasonal Depression has accepted a full-time role as Regular Depression. This decision is sure to make waves inside your chemically imbalanced mind!
Rumors about Seasonal Depression potentially taking this position were rampant, however they were all but unfounded until 9:30 AM today, when the rising star in the mental illness field made it official. “I’m thrilled to announce that effective immediately, I will become a permanent, year-round Depression,” the release read. “It’s a big change, but it’s one that I’m ready for. I’d like to first and foremost thank everyone involved with my time as Seasonal Depression. It was such an incredible, fulfilling period for me, and I wouldn’t be here without all of you.”
The release also looked forward to the future: “I couldn’t be more excited for this next project. It’s been my dream to serve as Regular Depression for a long time, and I’m so grateful to Your Genetics, Your Constant Stressors, and Your Traumatic Life Events for giving me a chance to step up and show Your Brain what I can do.”
While the promotion technically occurs immediately, most experts agree that the effects won’t be truly apparent until later this spring. Anonymous sources have reported that Depression intends to make its first major move in April. Sources close to the newly-promoted Depression revealed plans to mobilize when you’re studying on the lawns on a beautiful spring day and realize this part-time problem is now a full-time burden.
and they say it is hard to get a job
Eliora Riebling/Staff Artist
Mia Chang/Staff Artist
Student at Chef Mike’s Reportedly Extremely Anxious to Order Same Sandwich for the Thousandth Time
By Beau Gantz
she is just a girl
Nicole Pi/Staff Artist
According to multiple reports from our dedicated Federalist correspondents in Uris Hall, SEAS student
Anne T. Seaushill has been sporting sweaty palms and a rapid heartbeat while in line at Chef Mike’s Sub Shop, despite intending to order the exact same sandwich she’s gotten nearly a thousand times before.
Seaushill could be heard quietly mumbling her order, which had not changed since the first time she ordered it over three years ago. She was careful to be acutely aware of the correct sequence of sandwich components (spreads, then cheese, then proteins, then toppings, then dressings), as if they might somehow be different from the day before or the day before that.
Seaushill is very concerned about ordering correctly, so that she can win at being a sandwich customer and everyone inside Chef Mike’s will quietly appreciate her expertise. The goal of logistical sub greatness, however,
is only a secondary motivator for Seashill's precision. What truly pushes her is the fear of failing at being a sandwich customer. In this event, passersby will scoff at the amateur embarrassment that is her order. The employees at Chef Mike’s (whom Anne has only ever had positive experiences with) will ridicule her for not being fast, loud, or clear enough while making the only sandwich she has ever or will ever order. She will tearily sprint out of the building and transfer to Dartmouth in shame.
Most recent reports of the scene show Seaushill performing box breathing as the line in front of her dwindles. As she steps forward in line, she appears to have already forgotten the contents of her sub and how to perform basic social interactions. We at The Fed wish her all the best.
Laura Rosenbury on Retaking Ballet I This Semester:
“Oh,
Let’s Make Fun of the Girl Who Took a Risk and Put Herself Out There Creatively”
By Reza Shayesteh
natalie portman era
After taking Ballet I at Barnard last semester, President Rosenbury has reportedly been seen auditing the intro class yet again this semester.
Though she had hoped to move onto Ballet II after watching and “really relating to” Darren Aronofsky’s Black Swan over break, the instructor leading the class had not deemed her ready to progress to the next level.
In an interview with The Fed , the instructor said that last semester Rosenbury had been inattentive in class and had “literally the widest and flattest feet” that she had ever seen in her 30 years teaching dance.
When asked why she had suddenly become interested in the art of ballet, Rosenbury told a reporter from The Fed that she had hoped to reconnect with the balletcore baddies of Barnard student population after last year’s events she hadn’t realized, however, that ballet classes are famously not the most social environment and are quite physically demanding.
Rosenbury, not one to give up despite constant guidance to do so, has strapped on her custom ordered wide- and flat-footed ballet slippers and is ready to give it another whirl.
sooo coquette queen
Ashley Rapp/Head Submissions Editor
Horrifying: Student Found Living in Columbia Housing
By Bayan Shimizu
off-campus baddie
Tragic news came from Morningside Heights this week, where a group of students found their peer, Jonah Riviera, living in a flophouse allegedly known to locals as “Carlton Arms.” Riviera was found to have resided here for the entirety of the last semester, including winter break, living in bleak conditions and tight confinement. The students credited the long wait due to the fact that this building was located far off from campus, reportedly up to seven blocks away. Riviera was only recovered after neighbors reported the horrid smell of someone who had been avoiding Carlton showers.
Though Riviera has been found, experts fear that similar incidents are more common than most community members realize. Professor of Urban Studies Paula Yang theorizes that dozens more students could be living in similar conditions to Riviera. Yang explained her reasoning at a recent Columbia press conference: “Buildings like this often try to maximize the amount of students in their residence at all costs. It’s likely that there could be five floors or more of students in just Carlton Arms living in similar squalor — but it’s even more likely that there are other buildings in just this neighborhood with even higher resident counts.”
“I get nightmares just thinking about it. That could’ve been me living like
Dear Fed:
I Wrote You an Acrostic Valentine’s Poem to Show You That I Really Care <3
By Oliver Green
F antastic!
E nchanting!
D elightful!
E rm, ok I thought the deal was I’d just do “Fed” and get out of here, but that’s alright… E legant!
R eally uh… hmm… really awesome!
A h, would you look at that, I just used up my A-word! What are the odds? Lemme see here… A musing?
L ovely (phew, nailed that one!)
I ndustrious? Is that something?
S uper awesome (Fed, don’t be alarmed if you notice a little similarity to the compelling point made back up there with the R, this S over here is just an extension of the motif)
T hat’s a wrap, folks! (and stuck the landing!) P A P E R
an animal for who knows how long,” says one student (who wished to remain anonymous, lest their name appear on Google when the term “Carlton Arms” was searched.) “This is an outrage at the highest level. Nobody should have to be subjected to Columbia Housing.”
The Columbia Federalist will keep you updated on recent reports describing conditions at a well-known shanty called “John Jay.”
r/AmItheAsshole: AITA for Breaking Up with My Girlfriend After She Posted Our Fight on SideChat
By Ashley Rapp & Valerie Yum
10k karma
I (21M) was posted on C/Dating and Relationships on SideChat by my girlfriend (20F) and now I’m getting a ton of hate. Basically, we got into it again outside of her 10:10 class HIST-2347 Sources and Methods of Verbal Confrontation and later that night she posted on SideChat ranting about “how I treat her” and a horde of unidentified sheep chimed in telling her to leave me. So, I left her.
The SideChat post said that I was “pathetic” and “stupid” for cheating and throwing away our 3-year relationship. She described my appearance, the public fight outside of Uris that we had, and other times I’ve “violated her trust,” “made her feel small,” or “matched with her best friend on Hinge.” Now everyone on campus knows who I am. I feel like I’m being gawked at when I pass through college walk. To make matters worse, the post has 480 upvotes and a variety of commenters calling me a “bum,” a “low-life,” and a “piece of shit jerkoff,” which is both hurtful and not even true.
The bottom line is that I think posting the details of our relationship on SideChat was
i love my roommates!
extremely unnecessary. It’s not like I go online every time we fight saying that Amy is a 5’5” AXO blonde (fake) who lives on the 2nd floor of Carlton (west wing) and has a freckle above her left eyebrow. I just think it's completely irresponsible and unfair to publicly circulate someone else’s personal life online. The internet lasts forever and this could really follow me. I’m trying to go into finance and my dad has a few internship opportunities lined up for me so this is a really bad look. She can’t just post on SideChat and say that I’m a “raging, brown-haired maniac” and not expect these recruiters to connect those dots. Even if she “changed my name” like she’s claiming, the details are pretty obvious (“He is bigmouthed, ignorant, and his face is begging to be punched.” Could she be less subtle?) and, frankly, unfair. It doesn’t matter what happened in the past, she crossed the line. Faithful Redditors, please chime in and defend a nice guy who was wronged by another shallow woman!
Downvotes: -27
Isabella Palit/Staff Artist
Fed Love Advice: Tips from a Man Who’s Ruined Every
Valentine’s Day
By Ashley Rapp & Valerie Yum
ur
welcome, america
He did it so you won't think to! The Fed staff found a man who has become single by February 15th every single year for the past 6 years. We asked him the question on everyone’s mind, how do you do it? Here is the advice he had to offer:
1) Take her to the nicest restaurant you’ve ever been. Point out the details in the decor that really speak to your tastes, maybe the light fixtures or that one table you sat at with your ex. Introduce her to your favorite items on the menu—make sure you warn her about the fish that your ex got last time that tasted kinda funny. Places with history have the most conversation potential!
2) Take her ice skating at Bryant Park Winter Village — the most original idea ever. When you find out it’s $45 a person and they don’t take Apple Pay, ask her to spot you! This will give her the chance to truly be 50/50 in the relationship! Feminist win!
3) Take her to the MET’s Date Night. Observe the art and her while you walk around the museum halls and exhibits. Tell her how far you had to book it in advance, a lesson you learned last year when you tried to do a walk-in and they turned you and your ex away— god she was a bitch about that one!
4) Buy her her favorite lilies because the flower shop was out of sunflowers, roses, peonies, tulips, and carnations. Don’t arrange them or get a bouquet, just get one!
5) Instead of buying chocolate-covered strawberries, make something straight from the heart (and your pantry). Spread a super super, like nano-thin layer of peanut butter on some almonds and rice crackers as a healthy snack. What’s a better showcase of attentiveness than recognizing how those PB calories can sneak up on you!
6) Bake a cake and add a few scoops of your favorite
protein powder, Fruity Cereal Mix. Explain to her that we don’t need to get fat over this holiday, and it basically tastes the same! Plus, this is something you guys could do together, like going to the gym ever since you suggested it. #Bonding.
Columbia University Center for Canoodling Finds Best Way to Approach Women Remains Asking if They’re a Mosquito
By Nathan Yuan
no time like the present
In a stunning report that sent rigid shockwaves through both the Barnard and Columbia campuses, the Columbia University Center for Canoodling (CUCC) unveiled its latest findings on what gets Columbia students the closest to scoring a date. The conclusion? As we all naturally expected, the line: "Ayy are you a mosquito? Cuz I’d like to smash the shit out of you."
This revolutionary pickup line, dubbed “The Mosquito Maneuver” by researchers, boasts an effectiveness rate of 69.0%—a figure described by CUCC director Dr. Culicis Suckland to be “absolutely huge, girthy, and enormous.”
“These hard, solid facts underscore my commitment to ensuring every Columbia student is coming to a campus where they can get laid,” President Katrina Armstrong said. “Our hope is that this groundbreaking research will aid in the creation of more legacy babies: a bigger, better pipeline for Columbia’s future.”
The report described a three-month field study conducted near and around campus favorites, including Butler Library, Joe Coffee, and random stairwells where emotionally fragile, stressed-out SEAS students cry. In these settings, researchers found that students equipped with the Mosquito Maneuver found themselves statistically significantly more likely to receive a phone number, a date, or, in one standout case, an “expedited trip to Pound Town.”
“This isn’t just some fluke,” Suckland said. “We controlled for every variable, including class year, weather, major, and location. As hypothesized, the Mosquito Maneuver was by far the most penetrating strategy for down-bad Columbia students.” However, the Mosquito Maneuver was significantly less effective when used by CS majors, Dr. Suckland said. Curiously, researchers found that CS majors instead found the most success when using the line “Are you Butler 4th floor? Because you smell like feet.”
The report was funded as part of a new campus initiative started by Armstrong after Sidechat complaints about being sexiled by your roommate plummeted this past year.
“When I found out this year's undergraduates weren't putting the cum in Columbia like they used to, I knew I had to take action,” Armstrong said. “I hope all Columbia undergraduates know I am firmly behind them, pushing, and pushing hard.”
Isabella Palit/Staff Artist
Mia Chang/Staff Artist
The Fed’s Guide to Ditching That Person Who Thought You Were “Best Friends” Last Semester
By Federalist Staff
will def get lunch with you soon!
We’ve all gone through it: you pull up to campus all excited to see your friends—or at least, you were excited until you showed up at your dorm only to be greeted by—wait, who is that? Oh no… not that fucking guy again, Mark or Mike or whatever his name was. You sigh as all the memories come rushing back: the time he crashed your birthday party, the time he ended up on your flight home for Thanksgiving and invited himself to dinner, the time he just happened to switch into your CC section on the last add/drop day. Goddamn it, you think, as he wraps you in a giant “welcome back” hug.
Look, you know they mean well and all, but it would be great if they could just shut up and stop bugging you. Well fear not, loyal reader! Just follow one of our simple, patented, tried-and-true strategies, and you’ll be rid of them for good!
1) The Secret Mission: Ask them to meet you at an isolated spot in Riverside Park that night. Once there, tell them you’ve been preparing them for this challenge ever since you met, and that you believe only they are strong enough to handle the lengthy journey on foot. You hand them a red envelope with a set of coordinates inside. Where do they lead? A Jersey Mike’s in Tacoma, Washington.
What will they find there? Another red envelope you’ll mail there, labeled “Clue 2/190.”
2) The Vigilante: They show up to your room one day, probably to give you another monologue about their History of Ancient Dung Beetle Representation in Art class. They knock loudly on the door, when suddenly it swings open with ease. You’re lying on the floor, covered in fake blood (probably available at University Hardware). They’ll shriek and vow to avenge your killer, sprinting out of the room. Hopefully they’ll be too busy doing some vigilante justice to show up to your classes!
3) The Early Mid-Life Crisis: Show up to class in tears, a miserable wreck about how your whole life is in shambles (but more so than on a normal Tuesday) and how you’re struggling to find meaning in it all. To cope with the existential angst, start an insufferable band the next day and invite them to every performance. An hour of Pearl Jam covers should be enough to make them never want to hear your voice again!
4) The Reptile Enthusiast: “Hey, what did you do over winter break?” they’ll ask you. You picked up a new hobby! For the first few weeks, wherever you go, you’ll wheel around a 6’x3’x4’ terrarium
filled to the brim with snakes and lizards. You’ll invite them to lunch — oopsies! Your rattlesnake got loose in John Jay! Of course, if that doesn’t work, you could always give it another shot with a Komodo Dragon.
Barnard Store to Collaborate with Temu Amid Barnard Deficit Crisis
By Eliora Riebling
puts the "she" in shein
Instead of changing the policies, attitudes, and language that have been largely responsible for Barnard’s lack of incoming funds, President Rosebury has announced a controversial plan to absolve the College’s $252 million debt. Effective Valentine’s Day, merchandise sold in the Barnard store will now be manufactured by e-commerce marketplace, Temu—known for prices so low the only explanation could be slave labor!
This development entails some unfortunate news for some of the most beloved Barnard merch. The Fed is sad to report that the pink Barnard thong adorned with rhinestones will now be single-use and that the bill of the ‘BARNARD DAD’ hat will no longer stay up independently. On the upside, students will now be able to purchase AI-generated shower curtains of Millie
the Bear posed as RBG, Frida Kahlo, and other famous feminists for their suites!
Outrage surrounding the questionable ethics of the company was raised to President Rosenbury by Fed reporters. The confused president allegedly defended the website, saying, “Have you seen these prices? I got AirPods for $5.99!” Our reporters also noted she was sporting a Fashion Nova hot pink blazer during this interaction. Amidst ongoing campus construction, there have been concerns raised by the NYC Building Codes to “suspicious materials outside of Altschul hall resembling that of the Temu $23.99 Outdoor Shed and Fence Kit.” When asked to comment, Rosenbury refused. However, the president did comment to confirm that shop prices will not be adjusted.
Eliora Riebling/Staff Artist
Em Bennett/Staff Artist
Ava Lyon-Sereno/Staff Artist
Anna Hazolyshyn/Staff Artist