April 2023 Issue 6

Volume XL • Issue 6 • April 2023

Columbia's Only Newspaper that Took Grad Pics Before the Bleachers Went Up

THE TEAM EDITORIAL BOARD Zoe Davidson Lauren Unterberger Feditors-in-Chief Dani Rivera Fenway Donegan Managing Editors Max Monical Mollie Schmidtberger Head Submissions Editors

Jayne Magliocco Publisher GENERAL BOARD Grace Weinswig Layout Editor Eliza Heath Head Copy Editor Ava Young-Stoner Deputy Copy Editor Olivia Ruble Graphics Editor Sophie Simons Social Media Editor Danielle Odigie Games Editor Juliette Bellinson Archivist Lillian Aregawi Ilan Cohen Social & Events Chairs Amelia Fay Sam Grossman Baha Topbas Senior Editors

Lillian Aregawi Julian Gerber Sloane Goldberg Megan Meyerson Anjali Ramakrishnan Sylvi Stein Izzy Szyfer Ava Young-Stoner Submissions Editors STAFF Carl Bock Molly Bynum Matilda Darragh-Ford Sophia DiPietro Isabella Fratesi Oliver Green Yoni Kurtz Dahlia Low Sofie Matson Matthew Pierson Ashley Rapp Dahlia Soussan Xavier Stiles Pailyn Tayjasanant Danielle Winkler Cassie Wu Martha Wyatt-Luth Susannah Yezzi Lev Zeldin Jennifer Zhang Staff Writers Kat Chen Prisha Samdarshi Allison Zhang Staff Artists Molly Bynum Sloane Goldberg Emma Sullaway Staff Copy Editors Elizabeth Barg Fed Tech

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Respect the 'hawk

100% of Students Admitted in the Class of 2027 Have Totally Sick Mohawks

Letter From the Feditors Dear loyal readers and my uncle,

It certainly has been a year. I’d like to see anyone try to disprove that! What a blur the last 8ish months have been. Presidents resigned, other cooler presidents signed on, campus dining expanded, US News ratings dropped, and ChatGPTed. Yet in the face of this ever-changing world, one thing is for certain: Barnard students still aren’t able to use their monopoly money at Cafe East. I personally don’t remember any part of this year, but that’s because a coconut fell on my head in October.

We’ve got a great paper for you for our final issue of the year. Our brave Federalist reporters have plumbed the depths of our quickly-drying content mine to offer you the tastiest morsels of delicious delicious headlines, including but not limited to: “100% of Students Admitted in the Class of 2027 Have Totally Sick Mohawks” and “Holy Shit: That Guy on Low Beach Just Did a Backflip.” He totally did. We totally saw it.

As always, it’s been an honor delivering you this paper near your door (not under it, we’re not the Columbia Independent - thank god). We will miss you terribly until we see you again in August, and then we’ll play hard to get. The Fed is fickle like that.

of ‘24, ‘25, and ‘26. However, Admissions did admit that their “100%” report is am I more than you bargained for yet? slightly inflated. “To be transparent, In a new demographic survey released there was this one student with an by the Columbia Admissions Office, it has absolutely radical fauxhawk, and we just been revealed that the incoming class of couldn’t say no,” they admitted. “I mean, 2027 is made up entirely of students with it has frosted tips.” “totally sick mohawks.” “We thought it In the wake of the announcement, only right that each member of our newest NSOP committees announced that their Columbia class should have as magnificent programming will have to undergo some a mane as Roar-ee himself,” explains the changes to accommodate this 10,000% official report, going on to detail that the increase in mohawk-sporting students. median mohawk height for the class is 5 Instead of CC and SEAS hats as welcome inches, and that about 62 percent of the gifts, the schools will provide mohawk class has neon pink mohawks, while the ornaments; beds in freshman dorms will other 38 percent “let their ‘hawks fly au be equipped with “mohawk molds” so naturel, baby.” that students can sleep without fear of In a general press announcement, ruining their precious ‘hawks. The Core Admissions explained that they have will also introduce a new “HawkHum” decided to make the class of 2027 a class to teach proper mohawk “dark, rage-filled class” to counteract the maintenance. To the new Columbia notorious cheeriness and joy of the classes class: welcome to CU, and rock that ‘do!

By Oliver Green

Dalia Etessami/Graphics

Columbia Takes Harsh Disciplinary Action: Rulebreakers Forced to Eat Only at John Jay for a Semester

We love you! We love you…Now say it back.

Zoe & Lauren

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PAGE 3: very bad updates PAGE 4: crime watch PAGE 5: reflections PAGE 6: don't worry you're just being scammed PAGE 7: lalalalala PAGE 8-9: HAGS!!!!!

PAGE 10: my name is Grace and I can do a backflip PAGE 11: one big happy family PAGE 12: Butler Hate Page PAGE 13: frisbee legislation PAGE 14: the truth comes out PAGE 15: getting to the bottom of things PAGE 16: its the back what else do you want me to say

By Oliver Green

cruel and unusual punishment When students Daniel Thompson, CC ‘24, and Chris Sawyer, CC ‘24, broke into Hamilton last Saturday night, they were expecting to have an entertaining night of fun times, good laughs, and spray painting “Columbia? More like ColDUMBia” on the door of the admissions office. They didn’t anticipate getting caught, and they certainly didn’t expect the harsh punishment for their night of vandalism. The two students were betrayed by their unfortunate mistake of writing their names and Instagram profiles next to their graffiti rendition of the Sistine Chapel ceiling,

Volume XL Issue 6

April 2023

prominently featuring a section titled “The Creation of Prezbo.”

In a meeting between the perpetrators and several members of the administration, it was determined that their punishment would be the harshest the University has ever doled out: they will be required to eat solely at John Jay for the rest of the semester.

“You can’t do this!” Sawyer shouted as he dropped to his knees, tears streaming down his face. Thompson grabbed Dean Sorett’s hand and begged to be expelled instead, but the administration firmly stood their ground.

As news reached the rest of the University,

NOOOOOOOO

enormous protests erupted on Low Steps. “Let them eat Ferris” banners could be seen all over the campus.

People marched and shouted at the subjection of the two students to subhuman living conditions. However, the University didn’t listen, and instead doubled down on their punishment, forbidding the two students from going to the grill station within John Jay. Protesters were even more enraged, and the two students begged to receive any other punishment, even offering to move to the Shaft or to actually read every Lit Hum book. As this story develops, we here at the Fed will keep you up to date with the latest information.

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Congrats Grads!

Dear Fed: Please Top Five Underrated Grad Photoshoot Spots Let Us Out of the

By Sylvi Stein

Say Cheese!

So you've got your cap and gown and you're looking to take graduation photos that will almost be good enough to erase four years of Butler breakdowns and Koronet-fueled allnighters. The Fed has you covered! Here are the best places on campus to take the photos that your mom is going to share in her all Facebook groups: Under the Law Bridge Everyone wants the beautiful NYC skyline, but it's time to shake up the status quo by showing off the true New York—a pigeon-poopcovered sidewalk and subway grates releasing strange gasses!

Comparative Literature degree is going to be worth anything.

On top of Low Library When you figure out how to get up there, let us know too.

Wherever you are when your BeReal notification goes off Saves tons of money instead of spending it on students with a “budding” interest in borrowing their parents' newest Nikon. It's not like you're ever going to look at these photos again anyway.

Macey Stancato/Graphics

The JJ’s quesadilla line One of the most popular places on campus, so you can get all your beloved classmates in the shot too!

The basement of Schermerhorn while they are doing psychology experiments on you Gotta prove to your parents you're earning money somehow, and it's not like your

Basement

By Mollie Schmidtberger, Lauren Unterberger, & Henri Darragh-Ford help

Hi Fed, It’s us. You know who. The three amigos. The Fantastic Four minus one. The connoisseurs of the inappropriate. The ones you have locked in your basement. Do we even need an introduction?

We are writing to you today to strike a deal: please let us go home. We’re so, so tired. We can’t work like this anymore.

We can’t sleep, we can’t eat, our GPAs are plummeting—all because you won’t let us out of the basement. We don’t know what sunlight is anymore, and can’t stand to look at these four walls and creaky stairs anymore. What month is it, anyway?

This apple juice isn’t going to keep us alive forever, you know. We’ll just die in here before we put pen to paper again.

So, we propose a proposal! One more issue, just one more, and then we earn our freedom. We promise we’ll be funny! Please?

Please!

I miss my parents.

Love, Lauren, Henri, and Mollie

BREAKING NEWS: Academic Weapon Armistice

By Xavier Stiles

pew pew In response to the rapidly growing amount of “academic weapons” manifesting on Columbia University's campus, a landmark summit of over 100 university deans agreed to limit and eventually do away with academic weapons.

The decision is incredibly sweeping, banning any mention of “academic weapons” at partner colleges, including Columbia.

Furthermore, student dorms can be subject to random searches for any “academic weapons” while instructors may also require students to open their notebooks during examinations and offer instructors a sip from their flasks.

When asked on his way out from the summit, Prezbo commented, “I have seen– since at least 2016–countless students who have been identifying as ‘academic weapons,’ often posting about them online and speaking about them on Low Steps. We

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as a faculty, and it seems a wider academic community, have been worried about the safety of our great institution. After all, if students start doing well, they might actually start worrying about why we’re so harsh.”

Student reactions have varied greatly. CC ‘24 Les Moore said, “I’m not that worried, I’m failing either way.” Meanwhile, SEAS ‘23 student, Ray Gunn, lamented, “Bro, do they even know what that means? Or are they just trying to sensationalize student slang?” The University has assured that they do know what “academic weapons” are and remain incredibly concerned about their prevalence.

The future of academic prowess is incredibly unclear, although it is quite certain that the pride and finesse of a generation of academic weapons are being put into a footlocker. To accommodate a gap in speech, some students have started using “academic victims.”

Macey Stancato/Graphics

GOOD LUCK

Ashley Rapp/Staff Writer

Volume XL Issue 6

hmmm....

Vibe Check: Which of These Secure Messages from Columbia Health Should You Look Into?

By Brian W Love push notifs off You have a new secure message awaiting you at <https://secure.health.columbia.edu>. Please log on using your Columbia UNI and password and verify your date of birth. Then click "Messages" on the left side of the screen to view your message.

It's time to get a flu shot. Who does that? Ignore.

You have a new secure message awaiting you at <https://secure.health.columbia.edu>. Please log on using your Columbia UNI and password and verify your date of birth. Then click "Messages" on the left side of the screen to view your message.

Test results, nothing serious. Eat a lime or something, you’ll be fine. Ignore.

You have a new secure message awaiting you at <https://secure.health.columbia.edu>. Please log on using your Columbia UNI and password and verify your date of birth. Then click "Messages" on the left side of the screen to view your message.

They want you to update your phone number. Big ignore.

You have a new secure message awaiting you at <https://secure.health.columbia.edu>. Please log on using your Columbia UNI and password and verify your date of birth. Then click "Messages" on the left side of the screen to view your message.

Oh my god. I... I'm so sorry. Please, don't give up hope. You have so much more life to li- Just kidding!

They want you to update your email. Ignore!

You have a new secure message awaiting you at <https://secure.health.columbia.edu>. Please log on using your Columbia UNI and password and verify your date of birth. Then click "Messages" on the left side of the screen to view your message.

You have an appointment for a COVID test? What is this, 2021? Ignore.

You have a new secure message awaiting you at <https://secure.health.columbia.edu>. Please log on using your Columbia UNI and password and verify your date of birth. Then click "Messages" on the left side of the screen to view your message.

Correct! This is the one you should check. And from all of us here at the Fed, mazel tov!

Sun’s Out, Closet’s Open?

By Dani Winkler & Ashely Rapp we r lesbians this is a self-punching article It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s… Barnard lesbians sitting on the lawn?

Have you walked down the Diana stairs recently and thought, “Damn, there’s not a straight person in sight!” Well, thanks to a new joint study from Columbia Climate School and the graduate anthropology department, there may now be a scientific explanation for this phenomenon.

“As the queer community becomes more visible, what were once solely signifiers for the lesbian community have now adapted to fit other marginalized groups in society, such as Indie Sleaze Girls or Folk Band Kids,” explains Dr. Darrell Lesbihonest, chair of the graduate anthropology department and one of the leaders of this study. “Fair Isle sweaters, Doc Martens, and the like no longer express the ‘je ne sais queer’ they once did.”

In an exclusive interview with the Fed, Dr. Lesbihonest explained that his study

in collaboration with the Columbia Climate School stemmed from the fact that many of these signifiers are aligned heavily with fall and winter wear. “What happens when the sun comes out and the Carhartt Detroit jackets come off?”

Sure enough, as recent temperatures rose as high as 70°, the Barnard lawns experienced an exponential

increase in what the researchers defined as “gay activity” as the campus became littered with carabiners, muscle tanks, underarm hair, and minimalist stick n’ poke tattoos. An anonymous student (with a clogshaped carabiner clipped onto her belt loop) could not contain her shock: “I never thought the girl sitting next to me in my discussion section could be gay too…but once I saw that strawberry linework tattoo on her inner bicep, glistening in the sun, I just knew!”

“It’s a great time to be in the field,” said primary Columbia Climate School researcher Dr. Anita Nalgene while surveying her test subjects sprawled on the grass. “It’s during these warmer months where we as researchers can really get down to the bare bones of this campus’ lesbianism.” As our journalists left Dr. Nalgene to continue power posing from the fifth floor of Altschul Hall, staring at her little gay lab rats, they experienced an overwhelming urge to pierce their septums and sit in the chairs at Liz’s Place with a large iced oat milk beverage. To be unpacked later.

Ashely Rapp/Staff Writer

April 2023

THE CLOSET WAS GLASS

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What My Parents Think They Are Paying For at Columbia

By Alex Biederman Nietzsche pronouncer What My Parents Think They Are Paying For: Lectures from Nobel-Prize winning professors.

Reality: A guy— I think his name is John, but it could also be Evan— who won a participation trophy for attending one meeting of Music Industry Columbia.

What My Parents Think They Are Paying For: Meal Swipes Reality: Fine-dining at every French Bistro on the UES because I can’t handle JJ’s again for dinner.

What My Parents Think They Are Paying For: A “traditional” college campus.

Reality: A strip of grass (South Lawn) that I could mow with nose-hair trimmers.

What My Parents Think They Are Paying For: Professional therapy sessions through CPS. Reality: CPS booking sites so complicated they make me need more therapy.

What My Parents Think They Are Paying For: A well-rounded “liberal arts” education.

Reality: The only thing I’ve learned from this school is how to pronounce Nietzsche.

You get what you get...

knock knock, anyone home?

We here at the Fed have asked many questions about Columbia over the years. Why does the ground floor of each building have a different number? Can anyone actually stop us from going onto the lawns whenever we want to? Where do all the faculty live? To find an answer to the last question, we turn to Faculty House, a building long ignored until the addition of a dining hall there just over a year ago. Noticing the name of this building, my girlfriend—who is totally real but lives in Canada—suggested that it may be where the campus faculty live. After all, housing prices are way too high for anyone to rent an apartment.

While it is known that Columbia subsidizes housing for some of its

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faculty, no one seems to know where those houses are. My friend—and yes, my friends are also totally real and not made up—claims to have gone to a professor’s house, but that was probably just a front. I assumed it was most likely that the faculty lived in the house WITH THEIR NAME ON IT, so I decided to do an investigation.

I went to Faculty House on a Wednesday in March at 2:47 PM and was greeted by a man in the lobby informing me that dining was about to close. When I asked him where the faculty slept, he looked confused. I wandered around the ground floor for a bit, and found no beds, only couches. I did not find any sleeping areas upstairs, but I did get yelled at when I tried to go into the kitchen, which I find pretty suspicious.

There were a bunch of empty rooms

where people could sleep, but I guess it would be pretty uncomfortable.

I decided to wait until night to see if the faculty would come back.

I saw people slowly trickle out until the building was empty at 9:56 PM, when I was told to get out. I pretended to leave, but dipped into a corner instead, like those kids in the book where they live at the Met. I looked around until I fell asleep at 5:15 AM. When I woke up, I was surrounded by a bunch of people who were confused when I told them I was doing serious investigative journalism work. To answer the big question: do all the faculty actually live in Faculty House? Well, I didn’t find any conclusive evidence either way, and I’m the Fed’s best and only investigative journalist, so if I couldn’t figure it out, I guess we’ll never know.

And you always get upset

Columbia Releases Results of Student Well-Being Survey to Shame One Guy Who Sleeps Too Much

By Stan Liao got to get my honk shoos

Do All the Faculty Actually I Will Buy You Anyway: Haiku Live in Faculty House? for a Diana An Investigation Smoothie

By Cordell Smith

HONK

By Reese Alexander

starving artist

ninety calories is nowhere near a meal swipe equivalency.

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

Volume XL Issue 6

In a press release, the Office of Undergraduate Student Life reported the results of a recent survey on student health and wellbeing. While it was stated that results overall were "promising", Dean Kromm went on the record to note that they found one troubling anomaly. "There's this one student in CC," she wrote, "whose name we can't disclose, but they say they sleep 10 hours every night."

Kromm raised several questions, such as "Do they not have enough work?" "Are they not stressed enough?" and “Are our twin XL

mattresses even that comfortable?”

An anonymous source within the department reached out to the Federalist to express the concerns being voiced in the office. "At first we thought they were lying," they stated in an interview. "But then we were faced with the unsettling possibility—no matter how minor—that they might be telling the truth, which was really worrying. I mean, seriously, from 9:00 PM to 7:00 AM every day?

And to make it worse, they go to the gym followed by a healthy breakfast every single weekday? It's unsettling. Deranged, even. I don't know how you can live like that."

Macey Stancato/Graphics

A List of People You’ll Run Into Every Day

How to Subtly Hint to Your Roommate That You, in Fact, Did Not Enjoy Living Together

smile and wave?

Congrats first-years! You’ve finished two semesters at Columbia and have now met every single person you will see during your undergraduate experience. Get ready to see them down Broadway… in JJ’s… across Milstein…. on the subway at 2:30 AM… Here’s a list of familiar faces that you’ll never forget!

By Lila Muscosky

By Dani Rivera

1. Your entire freshman floor: you shared a communal bathroom, now you’ll share every single college memory… you’ll never forget who didn’t wash their hands that one time after making eye contact with you.

April 2023

2. Random classmate from your discussion section: you gave each other blank stares whenever you had to discuss your weekly readings. But don’t worry, you’ll never acknowledge each other again.

3. That person you matched with on Tinder but never spoke to: pretty self explanatory and you’re probably already experiencing it.

4. If you’re lucky: every single member of the Columbia Federalist (even after they’ve graduated).

5. That friend of a friend of a friend you met that one time:you just can’t remember their name. They probably can’t remember yours either, so don’t sweat it.

subtle but effective Didn’t enjoy your random (or notso-random) roommate all year but simply had to put up with their existence? Well, fret not: the school year is almost over, which means that you’ve finally reached the end and you deserve a little treat! You’ve tolerated them thus far and you can’t finish the year letting them think it was the perfect match, so here’s a list of possible ways for you to politely let them know that this didn’t work the way you thought it would, and that it was totally them and not you.

Best of luck!

shoooooooo

• • •

• • • •

Install a curtain between your side of the room and theirs.

Hide one sock from every pair that they own.

Set alarms for ridiculous hours of the evening (bonus points if you’re gone for the night and hide the alarm clock!).

Scream every time they look at you.

Barricade the door to prevent them from entering the room.

Sit in the dark in utter silence making sacrifices.

Turn your side of the room into a snake sanctuary.

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Graphic by Olivia Ruble/Graphics Editor

It's Summer Yitches

Ten Ways to Soak Up Holy Shit: That the Sun This Summer Guy on Low Beach

By Matthew Pierson

vitamin deez nuts

1. Fall down Low Steps, but in a fun, sexy, idyllic way.

2. Skip class to lounge mysteriously on the lawns next to all the classes being held outdoors.

3. Call your parents while walking outside so your argument about summer jobs becomes public entertainment for all passersby.

4. Console yourself for not having an internship by telling yourself that if you did, you wouldn’t have time to be outside like this! Suck it, Goldman Sachs!

5. Film an embarrassing Day in the Life of an Ivy League Student TikTok in front of Butler (and be sure to highlight that Columbia kids are kind and clever).

6. Go on a nice stroll from your dorm to Ferris and then back to your dorm to eat while watching YouTube.

7. Network while waiting in line for the ice cream truck.

8. Tour the world! (a.k.a. accidentally take the shuttle to Lamont, New Jersey.)

9. Build a sandcastle diorama depicting Columbia’s campus to model the fragility of modern academic institutions yet also indicate their moldability to fit the ideals of our current generation.

10. Just stay inside and grind for next semester. Vitamin D is overrated.

Just Did a Backflip

By Sophie Simons

damn.

Hey. How are you doing? Yeah, totally. Agree. Class does suck. Remind me what your major is again? Oh, econ. Cool. Yeah. No, that’s cool. So listen, I was wonderingWoah. Holy shit. That guy on Low Beach just did a backflip. Did you see that?

Fuck, dude. That was cool as hell.

So what were you wondering?

Nah, not important.

EXCLUSIVE: We Sat Down With PrezBo and He Just Stood Up and Left

By Bayan Parreñas Shimizu

like talking to a wall This past weekend, The Columbia Federalist sat down for an interview with President Lee Bollinger to talk about his legacy as University President and his plans for the future. Here is the transcript of that conversation.

FR: Thank you for that insightful answer. Columbia has been through a lot in these past years, from the US News ranking scandal to the recent shifts in leadership across Columbia’s divisions. After years as President, how do you see the future of Columbia under new leadership?

LB:

FR: I’m sure that’ll ease the worries of the student body. Now, what I’m sure will be your biggest legacy at Columbia is the Manhattanville campus. This expansion of Columbia is not without controversy, as I’m sure you know. What can the new campus offer us, and could you respond to some of its criticism?

LB:

Federalist Reporter (FR): Good evening, President Bollinger.

FR: That’s great to hear. So, well…

Lee Bollinger (LB): Good evening.

FR: ...

FR: Thank you so much for finding time to sit down and speak with us.

LB:

Mollie = Dictator

We Lived It: Head Submissions Editor Mollie Schmidtberger Sent Out an “Articles Are Due!” Text and We Hadn’t Touched Our Funny Bones in Weeks

By Ashley Rapp & Dani Winkler god save the president POV: We’re official Fed staff writers (extremely witty, charming, and integral to the Barnumbia campus community).

Last weekend, we passed out on the lawns (we are really cool obv) to the sweet sound of Doechii’s “Spookie Coochie” (2019) and missed the meeting of Columbia’s most esteemed minds in Math 520. We woke up to missing shoes, missing phones, and a Slack notification from Head Submissions Editor Mollie Schmidtberger reminding us that our articles for the next issue were due by the end of the day on Tuesday.

“What’s this?” we exclaimed, “How could this be?” We searched our Google Drives in a frenzy… there must be some old

material we could recycle! PrezBo jokes?

Chef Mike’s Grandma puns? But alas… nothing stuck. We knew what we had to do: put our Bold, Beautiful, Barnard™ brains together and come up with something new. After all, we couldn’t just not send in our articles! We knew the people would be absolutely heartbroken not to see our names written in byline-approved 8-point Times New Roman font, especially in this final issue. Also, we would lose our status as staff writers.

So this is our article. We both wrote it, and it’s ours. Sorry Mollie. :/ XOXO, Ashley and Dani

A Reflection on CU Directory of Classes

Ashely Rapp/Staff Writer (duh)

By Dani Rivera concerned student Directory University

Columbia of Classes

Directory Columbia

University of Classes

I fear Columbia must hire

A graphic design intern

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

FR: ...

LB: [Bollinger stands up from seat, leaves the room.]

FR: So, do I just have to sit here for the next 50 minutes?

FR: First off, we would love to hear about your plans now that your term is over. What’s next for PrezBo?

LB: [Interview cut for brevity.]

LB:

Sam Wang/Grfaphics

10

how long should I wait here...

Volume XL Issue 6

April 2023

JUST ANOTHER REASON TO BE CONFUSED

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Grueling, Treacherous, Terrible...

Best Secret Locations to Study for Finals

By Lila Muscosky what's the moon to a nonbeliever It’s finals season, and as we all know, finding the perfect spot to study is the hardest part of reading week! To help you out, we’ve compiled a list of the best secret locations to grind out your work! But please be sure to keep them a secret… and best of luck finishing out the year.

• Alma Mater Sculpture: Sit in the cozy lap of Alma Mater as you attempt to learn all of STEM in one week! All the Low Steps gossip will make for perfect background study noise.

• Barnard Hall Basement: The dark ambiance of the Barnard Hall basement is perfectly suited to long study sessions with lo-fi construction beats.

You might even get a sneak

•

•

peak into the new Barnard gym if you stay for long enough.

Dodge Fitness Center Aerobics Room 3: With panoramic views of our stateof-the-art tri-level fitness center and constant noise of people lifting heavy objects, this is the best spot to write your 30-page final paper in two hours!

Havemeyer Hall Scaffolding: Take advantage of this gorgeous west campus view and make yourself comfy on the Havemeyer Hall scaffolding. Let’s hope that all that STEM energy seeps into your brain! You might have to help the construction workers, but it’s a fun excuse to take a break.

the greatest sin of all What the FUCK is wrong with me? I like a boy (gross) from Spec of all places (double gross). I’m a hot, sexy, mysterious Fed writer (an undeniable slay). How did this happen? Why have the gods betrayed me? Just because I’ve been a bit late with getting edits done—and sure, I haven’t submitted my best work this year, but that doesn’t mean I deserve this devious torture from the hand that feeds me.

I mean, this can’t happen. I am a strong, independent woman

Dani Rivera/Managing Editor

yikes!

Following a late-night Butler Library visit to “get to know the student body,” formerly-incoming President Minouche Shafik announced that she no longer wishes to succeed Lee Bollinger in his role as President of Columbia University. President Shafik toured Butler at 3:00 AM to get a more honest picture of Columbia’s scholars. After seeing a student cry into their desk while working on both an Organic Chemistry assignment and an Art Hum essay simultaneously, Shafik shuffled out of the building with a look of despondence.

Some students also recall awkward conversations with the incoming president. “She gave me this weird look when I explained why I'd only answered the first question of my overdue problem set. Then, she seemed almost scared when I mentioned I had four others due on the same night,” recounts Jane Lewis, SEAS ’24, while knocking over two empty beer bottles hidden under her desk. “I think I remember her saying something about ‘burnout’ but I honestly tuned her out after she suggested dropping a class.”

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Another student, Aidan Nguyen, CC ’26, remembers a similar interaction. “I saw PrezFik talking to this kid about his plans for work after graduation, and he just said something about how he’ll figure it out during his next high. Pretty sure that pissed her off, but I was also high off my ass while watching them so I might’ve just imagined that.”

After conversing with a student who’d constructed a makeshift private study space in a stairwell, Shafik spoke to a Federalist reporter regarding her findings. “I looked over at a student’s essay on their computer and it was just the word “uhhhhhh” extended to the length of five paragraphs.

When I asked him why he seemed so stressed, he told me that he’d forgotten to write this graded-on-completion discussion post for the past four days.

These people don’t need a president, they need a psychiatric intervention.”

Shafik was last seen leaving the stacks with a thousand-yard stare and

THIS IS FINALS.

Help! I Like a The Benefits of Switching Boy From Spec from SSOL to Vergil

By Mollie Schmidtberger

Incoming President Shafik Renounces Position After 3:00 AM Butler Visit

By Bayan Parreñas Shimizu

HELP!!!

muttering about how the British Empire “should’ve burned this place down when they had the chance.” **Fed has heard rumors that Shafik will be back with a brigade of redcoats to reclaim Columbia in the name of the Brits.

Volume XL Issue 6

who has a high and mighty position here on the Eboard and I will not be taken down. I’m better than this. I almost have a degree in creative writing, damn it! Some fake-news organization boy with fancy print and a regular upload schedule will not get my heart rate up. How inconsiderate is this guy?

What if I had high blood pressure?

Or if I hadn’t had enough potassium that day? Then what? I die at the hands of my mortal enemy, or worse, get a severe nosebleed?

Never. I refuse.

By Zoe Davidson

extensive and elaborate 1. You get to see the cute Vergil logo that looks like it was made on Canva

Columbia Announces Mandatory Frisbee Permit for Anyone Who Wants to Play Frisbee Near Me

By Lauren Unterberger

heads With warmer temperatures arriving on campus and the Butler lawns opening after a long hibernation, the dangers of frisbeeineptitude-related incidents have never been more pressing. After years of getting hit in the back of the head while sunbathing on the Butler lawns, Columbia University has finally taken action to protect the wellbeing of its students. Starting fall 2023, any student that wants to play frisbee on campus must first apply for a “Frisbee Permit” from the Undergraduate & Student Life office. In order to receive the permit, hopeful athletes must demonstrate to the committee that they are, in fact, good at frisbee and will not hit me with a frisbee if/when they are bad at throwing and/or catching the frisbee.

A mistake that the committee

April 2023

anticipates is applicants shouting “heads!” and then giving a wide-eyed yet casually apologetic look at the person they just hit with a frisbee. “This is a common but fatal mistake,” shares USL frisbee committee chair Walter Morrison, CC ‘24, “because the frisbee still hits you. Saying ‘heads’ does almost nothing, if not less then nothing because now you’ll turn your head at it while the frisbee hits you.”

Semi-athletic students on campus don’t know how to respond to this reality check and are now having to grapple with the fact that maybe they are not frisbee players, but just frisbee throwers, as spikeballers and the football-tossers anxiously await further announcements of the like. Soccerball-kickers have declined to comment on the situation. However, for the first time, picnickers and sunbathers can breathe easy, knowing that they will be relaxing safely in the company of athletic professionals.

SINNNING!!!

Lila Muscosky/Staff Artist

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Oops

Confession: I Get the Plantain Chips at Chef Mike’s

By Max Monical

black sheep I know this is controversial, but I have to say it: I love the plantain chips at Chef Mike’s. I get them every time, even if there are Lay’s, Baked Cheetos, or even Doritos. I just can’t help myself. Sometimes, if no one is looking to out me as a plantain powerhouse, I even grab two. The bland, unstimulating, and unequivocally subpar taste is just irresistible to me. Every time my eyes alight upon that green bag, my heart rises in my chest. I hope someone out there is like me, but I’ve begun to resign myself

Sleuthing

Cathedral Gardens: What’s Going On Over There?

By Reese Alexander

a land far far away Hi. I’m Reese. Recently, as I was (foolishly) attempting to get housing for next year, I was shocked to find Cathedral Gardens listed as an option in the housing portal. Up until that point, I had been under the impression that Cathedral Gardens was a made-up place, like Atlantis or the Barnard Fitness Center. I mean, have you ever met someone who lives in Cathedral Gardens? Of course you haven’t—no one has!

Ever since learning the truth, I’ve been haunted. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep.

I can’t think of anything else except that horrible and alluring dorm. It swims through my dreams like a dark angel, cramming itself into the most macabre corners of my mind and sowing its seeds of grotesque curiosity. I must know the truth. What goes on there? What are they hiding from us, goddammit? WHAT ARE THEY HIDING?

to the fact that I may be the only person who likes them. I guess

Lila Muscosky/Staff Artist

I’m just different.

Macey Stancato/Graphics

Sad! Reductress Is Suing Us Because We Keep Stealing Their Article Format

BREAKING: Marketplace of Ideas Induces Sensory Overload

By Izzy Szyfer & Fenway Donegan

By Fenway Donegan

a long time coming

Oh no! We just got a letter from Beth Newell and Sarah Pappalardo’s lawyers, and they’re telling us that we are “infringing on their intellectual property” and we need to “stop or settle” because, apparently, we “do not want this to go to court. At all.” It looks like it's time to read up on some legal theory.

After consulting with some graduate law students that one of us happened to know through an awkward Hinge date, it turns out that, while plagiarism isn't a crime (nice), we “can’t keep doing it” and “should probably stop quoting them if we plan to publish this before going to trial.”

This is all moving so fast. I guess we already have a trial date. While we remain hopeful that the judge will accept our motion to dismiss the case, we’re not entirely sure how this will end up. Plus, Columbia won’t cover our legal fees, and it turns out the ABC board isn’t stoked at the idea of giving us additional funding a month before the semester ends. Please donate if you can.

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overwhelmed Hey guys? It’s me, your CC classmate who said that none of the authors talked enough about empathy. I went to that “Marketplace of Ideas” you all keep talking about, and, um, I hate to say this, but I don’t like it. It’s really loud, and there are so many people, and they’re all saying so much stuff all at the same time, and they’re all touching my shoulders at the same time. Plus, I don’t want to buy anything here! Also, no one told me that this marketplace was so expensive.

Do you guys remember that whole inflation thing? Well, if you thought that ten-dollar eggs were pretty bad, then you should not come to the Mar-

I farted

ketplace of Ideas, because inflation is running rampant over there. It turns out that there are so many ideas. But like, maybe too many? Whenever I think I’ve heard all the ideas, someone comes up with more and then each idea is worth less? I think? Thinking can be capitalism? Since when? I own my brain. FroSci told me so.

And back to the noise. It's like if everyone on Twitter was yelling at you, and it's impossible to keep track of who thinks what, and everyone’s beliefs seem to be that I should give them all my money? It's so loud. What's up with that? I can’t hear anyone. What's with all these Royalists? Also, this might be a weird question, but what is the Marketplace of Ideas? How do I leave? How did I get here? Help.

Volume XL Issue 6

Prevalence of ChatGPT and Ferris Introduces Other AI Language Models Fastpasses for Buffalo Leads Columbia Professors Chicken Wrap Day to Consider Banning Terrible Essays

By Oliver Green

life is a highway

BREAKING NEWS – Gone are the days of 20-minute wait times for

By Brian W Love

the social dilemma Language generation models seem to make new breakthroughs every day. However, their rapid improvement has caused concern about their possible use in academic fraud. Students can enter essay prompts, problem sets, and even final exam questions into tools like ChatGPT and receive responses in moments. Of course, these responses are terribly-written and mostly wrong, which goes to show how skilled they are at impersonating a Columbia student.

According to Samantha Microchip, Associate Professor of Computer Science, “It’s extremely difficult to be certain whether a paper was composed by a machine learning program, or is just independently garbage.

Tools to distinguish AI-written shlock from typical human lack of effort simply have not

April 2023

been developed. It may be decades before artificial writing can be distinguished from the Class-A dumpster fires of a typical UW class.” Several professors, including Dr. Microchip, have announced support for a controversial new policy which would ban terrible essays entirely, requiring students to submit either a cogent, well-constructed essay or nothing at all.

Many on campus are resistant to an outright ban. “Turning in incoherent, rambling essays with no actual facts behind them is a time-honored Columbia tradition, and we should think hard before we throw it away for fear of some new technological bugbear,” wrote Penelope Pencils for the Columbia Independent, in an article which was not published due to Ms. Pencils being put on academic probation for academic fraud.

that coveted, delectable buffalo chicken wrap at the Action Station. Fer-

ris has announced that they will be introducing a Fastpass system so that eager diners can bypass the notoriously long lines. When Ferris opens at 7:30 AM each morning, Fastpasses for the day will become available on the Columbia Dining website. Each person who signs up will be assigned a ten minute window during which they can visit Ferris and skip the line to claim their beloved wrap. Demand is higher than ever, so students who sign up within the first two minutes might get lucky and end up with a Fastpass time at noon. However, students who are later to join will more likely be assigned to times like 7:50 PM, or worse, will have to wait in the regular line.

This new system is incredibly popular with the administration, and is likely to be expanded to other areas of Columbia life. The two-hour-long lines for that dinky Tree Lighting “mug” will also incorporate this system next year, as will laundry rooms (with an average Fastpass time of 3:00 AM). These Fastpasses mark the beginning of a new era in Columbia linewaiting, and we at the Fed are excited to witness it.

omnomnomnomnom

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DID YOU READ THIS WHOLE THING??

WOW! WE LOVE YOU! AND WE THINK YOU MIGHT LOVE US. MAYBE YOU WANT TO ... JOIN US???

WE HAVE WEEKLY MEETINGS WHERE YOU CAN COME AND BE FUNNY WITH US! COME GIGGLE WITH US! FOR INFO ON JOINING THE FED, EMAIL:

CHIEF@COLUMBIAFEDERALIST.COM

KISSES!

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Volume XL Issue 6