Fall Issue 2024

Volume XLII • Issue 1 • September 2024

Columbia's Only Newspaper That Celebrates Femme Top Fall

THE TEAM EDITORIAL BOARD

GENERAL BOARD

Feditors-in-Chief

Publisher/Treasurer Fenway Donegan

Olivia Ruble Dani Winkler

Head Copy Editor Aron Shklar

Managing Editors Sylvi Stein Izzy Szyfer

Head Layout Editor Ella Diaz

Head Submissions Editors Oliver Green Ashley Rapp

Social Media Editors Zoe Silverman Inica Kotasthane

Arts Editor Dani Rivera

Online Editor Elena Lukac

STAFF Senior Editor Bayan Shimizu Submissions Editors Sasha Maroulis Bayan Shimizu Aron Shklar Zoe Silverman Sylvi Stein Izzy Szyfer Ava Young-Stoner Layout Editors ​​Izzy Szyfer Ella Lehrich Jay S Kamtoya Okeke Ruth Shikanov Sophie Mertzel Staff Writers James Coppersmith Beau Gantz Silvana Gonzalez Inica Kotasthane Gabrielle Linder Elena Lukac Ava Lyon-Sereno Sasha Maroulis Julia Ryan 2

Copy Editors Tommy Barton Sophia Brown Jem Hanan Eliana Jeong Hannah Lui Ava Lyon-Sereno Clara Neilson-Papish Julia Ryan Valerie Sofia Rahman Yum Cora Selzer Ruth Shikanov Nathan Shurts Sophia Strandberg Staff Artists Jay S June Frankel Stella Fusaro Silvana Gonzalez Leah Gonzalez-Diaz Yukta Jeetendra Sant Ava Lyon-Sereno Gilda Pretolani Alejandro Rojas Stella Turowsky-Ganci Stella Fusaro Solene Millsap

A Letter from the Feditors Dear Reader, Fall is here: the leaves are crunchy, the air is crisp, conversations about the impending decimation of our climate abound. A new school year has begun, bringing with it the return of campus familiars: the first soggy Ferris waffle, the first frat flu cough, and the first Fed print edition of the year.

But some happenings on campus are decidedly new: new (interim) president, new location for Fac Shack, new Ferris dining hall decor, new (read: few) ways to get onto campus, and new sparkly security cameras in every nook and cranny of the neighborhood. We would be remiss not to acknowledge these changes, and how we as a community have been adjusting to their presence.

What is not new is the dedication of The Fed to our readers. For the past thirty-eight years, The Columbia Federalist has been dedicated to the want of a free and freaky press, where students and faculty can catch up on campus happenings through our satirical/absurd/potty-mouthed lens. Our purpose is not only to make you laugh, but to make you think a little harder, whether about administrative ethics or the incestual bond your roommate seems to have with their twin brother.

Our first issue of the year is the product of many hands, new and old. You may notice she’s got some junk in her trunk—we received a record number of articles this cycle. This issue is made possible not only through the contributions of our staff writers, but also by the unflinching genius and commitment of our staff artists, our submissions editors, our copy editors, and our layout team. We are grateful for the careful work of loyal veterans, and are excited to welcome our horde of rookies into our soft, supple arms.

It is on that note that we are delighted to present this, the first edition of the XLII volume of The Columbia Federalist, to you. We hope you read it cover to cover (or at least the articles with our names on them).

Feditors-in-chief, Dani Winkler & Olivia Ruble

TABLE OF CONTENTS Page 1: fly meeee to the moon Page 2: u r here!

Page 3: cheers to sem 1 Page 4: in my petty era Page 5: we love it here Page 6: new prez who dis?

Page 7: life is sooo fun Page 8: nvm life sux Page 9: life sux fr!!

Page 10-11: SUPER COOL ART (ty graphics team xoxo)

Page 12: we are sooo back Page 13: resurrection shit Page 14: thank you madam prez Page 15: get this...

Page 16: calling all freaks Page 17: cmon fall lets gooo Page 18: love u admin Page 19: signing off xoxo Page 20: super serious and important advertisements (THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS)

Volume XLII Issue 1

Gender Dilemmas!

Barnard Students Battle to Become Barron Trump’s She/They Awakening

By Dani Winkler

let the games begin!

Earlier this month, the New York Post reported that Barron Trump, son of Donald and Melania Trump, was beginning his first year at New York University’s Stern School of Business. In doing so, the youngest child of the former president (6'9”) may have accidentally started a feeding frenzy of hundreds of alternative shawties eager for a trust-fund-having, economy-explaining, ultra-normie boyfriend. In recent weeks, MTA workers have reported a 300% increase of people switching from the 1 to the N/R/W at 14th St/Union Square, and security cameras show a frightening number of septums, baby bangs, and iGirl necklaces on the platform. It appears

Morningside Heights is experiencing a "mass exodus" of she/theys venturing downtown for a chance to win the heart of this barely-legal blondie. To ready themselves for battle, Barnard students are lacing up their steel-toed boots and arming themselves with ThriftBooks copies of Economics for Dummies. Their collective goals appear to include introducing Trump to The Hellp and convincing him to spend all of his life savings on Kijitora matchas and bribes to the bouncer at Basement.

The only thing that remains to be seen: which non-binary baddie will take home the ultimate prize—a boring boyfriend to fund their lifestyle and a new crib in Palm Beach. Hey, Ridgewood’s getting expensive!

Silvana Gonzalez, Staff Artist

Freshman Advice: Top Three Hot Spots for Zoom Therapy

By Federalist Staff crying in public is soo cool guys

Wondering where you’re going to spend those 50 blissful minutes of venting, sweating, shivering, and giggling you enjoy each week in therapy?

Don’t worry, research shows that these 3 spots on campus are the most effective places to get that mental illness under control. Freshman year is stressful, no need to make Zoom logistics another obstacle of dorm life!

Here’s our hot spots to chat with your counselor on campus: 1) Barnard Hall Gender Neutral Restrooms!

- Private room with a lock - Chic minimalist decor 2) In the Dorm with your Roommate - Send a subliminal messages to your roommate by complaining about them while they’re in your room - People just want you to let them in…keep those walls up and that door closed! *Stay respectful and stick to your side!!!

3) Outside JJ’s (Hack: Start crying in public for 50 minutes and 9 times out of 10 you’ll get a free snack!)

- Great for the attention your father never gave you as a kid Finally, be sure to suppress all emotions until scheduled appointment for peak crymaxxing.

September 2024

Solene Millsap, Staff Artist

Hewitt staff announce a new schedule for the dining hall multiscreen. Titles include the 2024 presidential debate, HBO’s Girls, a looped gameplay of subway surfers, and the Rachel Sennott hit film, Shiva Baby.

JUST WAIT UNTIL HE HAS TO USE THE GENDER NEUTRAL BATHROOMS

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CEO of Grudge Holding

Revenge Era? My Roommate Used All of My Tampons So Now I'm Buying the Kind with Extra Arsenic

By Olivia Ruble

get this!

An individual’s relationship with their roommate is an intimate and ancient bond, one that requires constant communication and careful maintenance. Or at least, I thought so.

When my roommate and I used to walk down the street, passersby couldn’t help but stare at us in our domestic bliss. We mischievously snickered at how much better off we were than the rest of our wretched classmates: “Did you hear that Sarah listens to TikTok out loud while Nicole is trying to sleep?” And after a conspiratorial giggle, the other would remark, “Did you know that Ashley’s roommate never does her dishes?”

In the evenings we watched movies on her family’s Netflix like peas in a pod, and on the weekends we hummed harmoniously while completing our respective chores. We assured one another that we would never be “those roommates” who lie and betray one

another; our connection was ‘too strong’.

But when I reached a hand into my tampon box and found it empty, my world shattered. I could not believe that my beloved roommate would leave me in such a vulnerable and precarious position, pants down in our shared bathroom. And there, in the reflection of my belt buckle, I saw something sinister in my face. I guess people change. Or maybe I never really knew her in the first place.

There comes a time in every young person’s life when they realize they have to start being realistic about their future. That Leah Gonzalez-Diaz, Staff Artist is, in two weeks when my period comes.

This month, payback is due. That’s right, I bought the tampons with extra arsenic (in snake of a ‘roommate’ feels entitled to help Light, Regular, and Super). Of course, these herself to my feminine hygiene products, are mostly for me. But if that treacherous revenge will be served (intravaginally).

To My Absentee Father: Neil Gorsuch CC ‘88

By Quinn Goresch-Snyder dear, old, dad..?

Justice Gorsuch. Neil. Nelly. Dad. There is no easy way for me to put this, so I’m just going to come right out and say it. You have a son.

It wasn’t until I was 19 that my mother told me the story. I was conceived on your futon mattress in the frat house during the islander darty. Afterwards, you told my mother it was the best sex of your life . . . my mother swears that it was your insistence on partaking in “judicial foreplay” that made her switch to girls–NOT her Sulzberger roommate, Beth.

Growing up, there was always a part of me that knew that I was smarter than everyone else. A part of me that always hated Beth (she still lives with us). A part of me knew that while other people called my political ideology crazy, my views on men carrying their books 4

to class in tote bags or “man purses” were right.

Like you, I attended the prestigious all-boys Catholic high school Georgetown Prep. And just like you, I graduated a virgin (we both had quite the reputation amongst the sister schools) and matriculated to Columbia. I didn’t think much about it, but when I called my mother after the first week and told her about my plans to rush a frat and write for The Federalist— Spec did not like my tote bag article—she broke down in tears and told me about you.

Honestly, I don’t want to meet you or reconnect with my long-lost father. But . . . I did look up your net worth ($8 million!!!) and Columbia is F%@$ing expensive. So you can either pay my tuition, or I can take this to The New York Times.

Your Son, Quinn Goresch-Snyder

Liv Laugh Luv

Volume XLII Issue 1

Thoughts and Prayers to Those Evicted...

80% of Barnard Transfers Didn't Get On-Campus Housing — Here's Where Some of Them Are

By Kimberly Wang

interview a few of these students to ask about their living accommodations.

The Sewers Underneath Barnumbia: Four transfer students said they were discovered at the 116th Street–Columbia University station and taken in by a large mutant rat. The rat, reportedly a master in Ninjutsu, has been providing the students with extensive training in the martial art. On Saturday nights, after a long week of classes and Ninjutsu training, they like to or- Royal Suite. On Friday evenings, der pizza deliveries right to their he Ubers to LaGuardia Airport, gets on her father’s private jet, sewer home. and goes back home to her BevDoing it Taylor Swift style: A erly Hills mansion. On Sunday transfer student from Los Ange- evening, she boards her private les says that her father booked her jet and returns to New York for a suite for an “indefinite amount the weekdays. of time” at The Plaza Hotel. She In The Great God Pan’s lovthen Ubers to Barnard for class ing embrace: With no friends or and back to the hotel every day family in the city, one transfer where she enjoys a room service student said she found solace in dinner and a cocktail hour in the

Chef Don Tears Up as Someone Swipes In For First Time Since Spring 2024

By Oliver Green

Free seasoning!

“Another boring day in the kitchen,” Chef Don mumbled to himself as he opened the door to the dining hall. Life is so mundane these days, he thought, and he began to reflect, as he often did on mornings like this, upon the early days of his campus pizzeria. He closed his eyes and pictured the people lined up outside of Mudd, the eager voices of students shouting “pepperoni!” and “cheese!”, and the confused faces of the first diners trying to figure out why there was a coffee machine there if no one was allowed to use it. Ah, those were the days, Don thought to himself, but since the late September 2024

Stella Turowsky-Ganci, Staff Artist

the The Great God Pan sculpture on Lewisohn Lawn. "I lay across Pan and rest my head on his bronze, muscled arm," she said. “I like to imagine that he’s playing his reed pipe just for me.

The nights at Columbia are cold, but he makes me feel warm and welcomed—something Barnard Residential Life doesn’t do for transfers.”

Stella Fusaro, Staff Artist

Despite promising a warm welcome for new transfer students to Barnard College’s tightknit community, Residential Life & Housing rejected and waitlisted nearly all housing applications from transfers. By August, only 30 out of the 160 incoming transfer students received oncampus housing. In other words, 81% of Fall 2024 transfer students had to find off-campus living accommodations.

“Transfer students? Aren’t they the Admissions Team’s responsibility?” a confused Residential Life Assistant asked The Fed. While some transfer students found off-campus apartments or got off the housing waitlist, others gambled solely on getting on-campus housing — and lost.

With no other options, a small number of transfer students scoured Morningside Heights to find a last-minute place to temporarily live. The Fed was able to

will take ur sublet

golden era of Spring 2024, the number of students had dwindled and eventually run out entirely. Chef Don checked the time: only five minutes left. He sighed, picturing going home, slumping down in his armchair and watching “The Great Italian Baking Show.” What a sad life he was living, he lamented, when SUDDENLY—a student entered! “Cheese, please!” the spry youngster chimed. A feeling of victory and warmth filled Chef Don to his core.

He was back, baby! Don was consumed with pure ecstasy— but wait, he thought, how do you make a pizza, again?

SZNING OF LIFE

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SAME, TBH

REVEALED: Armstrong Chosen As President Because Board Wanted Someone Who Could Hold Them

By Aron Shklar

prez...arms?

Shortly after The Fed famously broke the news of now-ex-President Minouche Shafik’s resignation, Dr. Katrina Armstrong of the Vagelos Medical School was announced as the new President of Columbia University.

Now, newly-leaked documents have shed light on the rationale behind her selection by the Board of Trustees. many assumed that she was chosen for her history of leadership and connections to Columbia or for her outstanding professional record. WRONG! A review of the leaked documents reveals she was actually chosen for her last name:

Armstrong. Not because the board hoped to evoke the scientific legacy of astronaut Neil Armstrong, the musical legacy of trumpeter Louis Armstrong, or the cheating legacy of cyclist Lance Armstrong. Rather, the Board believed that her last name was actually a descriptor, and she would bring a pair of strong arms to Columbia.

You might be asking: why would the Board be so interested in choosing someone with strong arms? According to the documents, the answer is very simple: they just wanted to be held. After enduring a year of campus unrest during which they boldly pursued total inaction, they felt scared and vulnerable,

Every Meal at Ferris Now Requires a 2 Hour Discussion Section

By Beau Gantz

just don't forget your CUID

Columbia Dining recently announced that, effective immediately, any student who purchases a meal at Ferris Booth Commons must also enroll in a weekly discussion section. “We recognize that content is understood more completely when material is not only retained but thoroughly discussed. By meeting in these weekly small groups, students will appreciate our chemically perfected scrambled eggs on a deeper, more fulfilling level,” said Executive Chef Michael “Chef Mike” DeMartino in a press release yesterday. The majority of the available sections are weekly two-hour sessions of 8-16 students, during which classmates will share perspectives, debate with their peers, and workshop theories on what's actually in the vegan stuff.

“You go to the Commons, and you

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enjoy the meal, and you might make a surface-level observation about your soggy fork, but too many students leave without truly engaging with the space and the community,” DeMartino said. “We want students to be inquisitive. You might ask yourself, ‘What does it mean that the strawberries are in a little glass case? What narrative is that reinforcing?’ I bet you could do something with that, maybe. I don’t know. I don’t have to. I’m in charge.”

In response to concerns about the logistics of the program, Chef Mike assured students that he handpicked ten of his least favorite TAs to spearhead the courses, and that the sections were guaranteed to conflict with a class that’s essential to your degree. DeMartino added, “Oh, and good luck getting off the fucking waitlist, nerds.”

especially after their already unattainable leader fled back to the safety of a faraway country. And so, they chose the person they thought would take them into a firm embrace and hold them tight through the new academic year and beyond. Oh well!

Our sources inside the administration have reported that the Board of Trustees has temporarily imprisoned President Armstrong on the bottom floor of the Dodge tri-level fitness area, where she is required to pump iron until she can lift 2,700 pounds (the approximate combined weight of the university administrators).

New Policy Implemented to Honor Former President Shafik: Public Safety Will Be Replaced With The Royal Guard

By Ava Lyon-Sereno

can YOU make them blink?

Ava Lyon-Sereno, Staff Artist

The Royal Guard requirements will be strict: each recruit must be under 5’6 in recognition of Columbia's shortest presidential run.

Long live the Baroness!

#NOTSTRONGENOUGHTOBEOURMAN

Volume XLII Issue 1

ON TOP!

Columbia Ranked #1 School in Presidential Turnover Rates

By Bayan Shimizu

tell your folks!

Over the last three years, the position of University President was held by three different individuals, an anomaly not only for an Ivy League Institution, but also for any university in the US. “Most universities will have some presidents dropping out every few years or so,” explains U.S. News in its recent ranking release, “but three consecutive years where 100% of the University Presidents left the

institution is inexplicable. Columbia is truly outstanding by this metric.”

While many students and faculty have polled negatively on administrative shifts over the last three years, some held differing opinions. The lower ranking and shifting presidential positions were no issue to Percival Chang, an Early Modern European History PhD student who was overjoyed at the recent events.

“Usually, the only time you see this

Stella Fusaro, Staff Artist

amount of turmoil and depositions is after the king is dead and the guillotine is rusty with blood,” gushed Chang. “To see so many internal coups and hierarchy shifts all within a university’s bureaucracy is honestly breathtaking.”

Ode to That One Statue on the 117th Median

By Ashley Rapp

Something Boring, Something Boxy, Something Blue!

Ashley Rapp, Head Submissions Editor

Thou still unravish’d sculpture of eye soreness, Thou Barnumbia-child of grave and wasted dime, Art historian, who canst thus express An artist statement more sweetly than this rhyme: What boxy-humbug’d legend haunts about thy shape Of deans or morals, or of both, In street Median or the gates of Earl?

What men or gods are these? What professors loth?

What mad ‘abstract’ pursuit? What struggle to escape?

What shades of blue and rectangles? What wild

ecstasy?

Heard sculptures are sweet, but those unheard Are sweeter; therefore, ye jagged shape, stand on; Not to the sensual eye, but, more endear’d, Pipe to the pleasant aesthetics of no one: Fair youth, between the median, thou canst not leave Thy clunky structure, nor ever can those streets be bare; Bold Lover, never, never canst thou kiss, Though passing beyond the gate yet, do not grieve; She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy blue bulky bliss, For ever wilt thou love, and she be there!

Going Back to What Works: Columbia Announces Next Six Presidents Will Be White Men

By Federalist Staff

back to our roots <3

Declaring that they were “returning to their roots” and expressing their “sadness that it didn’t work out,” the Columbia University Board of Trustees announced in a recent email that they plan to move forward with more restrictive hiring criteria for all future Columbia presidents, effective immediately.

“While we were glad to see the work Shafik September 2024

has done and wish her well as she rejoins the House of Lords, we want future candidates to better reflect Columbia’s long and storied history: our previous 269 years of being led exclusively by white men,” the board clarified. Pushing back against rumors that the university would not pursue candidates from diverse backgrounds, a source, who spoke under the conditions of anonymity, explained that the presidential search Tried and True!

committee will seek out applicants from a diverse variety of Ivy League schools, even Cornell. “The Board just wants everyone to know that we are going back to what works,” confirmed a second source who detailed Columbia administrators reportedly removing all demographic options besides “white” and “male” on their hiring applications.

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SHOW US YOUR HIGH SCHOOL TRANSCRIPT OR ELSE

By Beau Gantz test OPTIONAL

A scandal rocked the ninth floor of Wallach Hall this week, as a group of 5 first year students got caught sneaking into the dorm showers to compare their ACT scores.

“Their bathroom was due for maintenance, so I headed up there to give it a routine cleaning,” an anonymous facilities worker said, “and I see these five nerds in there talking about their STEM composites and AP awards. I didn’t ever wanna see that. It was disgusting.”

The employee filed a formal complaint, which was released exclusively to the Fed. In the report, the unfortunate maintenance

worker divulged further details, such as claims made by the delinquents that a “32 is actually well above average,” and that “colleges don’t care about AP scores as much as how you use them.” One student apparently predicted the score of another student, purportedly saying, “I always said you had 36 energy. I knew it.” Luckily, the facilities worker intervened before the students could whip out their superscores. Thank God. The Federalist unequivocally condemns this high school-ass behavior, and sends its formal regrets to Wallach 9 and all others impacted by this scandal.

Reasons the Fed is More Indie Sleaze than You

By Dani Rivera

likes the girls who do drugs

1. We made our Fed logo wear a Charli XCX brat shirt the night before the album drop because we’re also gay and know what’s trending.

2. Back in Fall 2021, our tagline was “Columbia’s only newspaper that still wears skinny jeans” — we knew they were coming back way back then.

3. We can say words like “sex” and “fuck” and “cum” and other newspapers like Spec and Bwog are too scared to say them because they aren’t indie sleaze.

4. I (Dani, arts editor and proud Fed member) knew about The Dare before you did. That’s it.

Dani Rivera, Arts Editor

Group of Naughty Freshmen Sneak into Shower to Compare ACT Scores

I Didn't Have a Brat Summer. I Was Too Busy Having a Job.

By Izzy Szyfer and Dani Winkler actually employed!

Oh, you were at Brooklyn Mirage (pre-serial killer, obvs) bouncing around in a white tank with no bra on? That’s cool.

I was trying to catch the B up to Times Square/42nd St to make it to my 9-5 without ruining my Babaton white blouse with sweat stains. You were calling Arca ‘mother’ over aperol spritzes at Le Dive? Great. My actual mother was calling me every day to ask me how my applications for fall internships were going. No, I will not guess the color of your underwear; I already had to meet with HR this week. You were sniffing lines? So happy for you! I was waiting in line for 20 minutes every morning to get my boss their Iced NOLA Shakerado.

You spent your life savings on a boiler room set? I splurged two months ago and got steak in my CAVA bowl, and my wallet’s still recovering. While you were using the BRAT generator to jazz up your Instagram, I was using generative AI to increase business synergy. We simply are not the same.

But yeah, I’m sooo glad you had a Brat Summer. Good luck spinning your “Merkins and MDMA” party into a marketable skill on LinkedIn. 8

WKCR Adds Livestream of Subway Surfers Onto Website to Maintain Listenership

By Inica Kotasthane don't try this at home, kids During the student-led protests and encampments last semester, WKCR was heralded for providing accurate, on-the-ground reporting of campus happenings for not only Columbia students but also the broader American public. On April 30, during the NYPD raid of Hamilton Hall, the WKCR site struggled to accommodate its rapidly growing listenership, which had expanded by thousands.

However, due to this semester’s lack of any nationally newsworthy events (thus far!), the radio station has been unable to retain listeners and is now attempting to win them

PING ME ON TEAMSSSSSSSSS

back with experimental multimedia tactics, including incorporating Subway Surfers playthrough split-screen.

Starting last week, if you visit WKCR’s website, you will be greeted with whatever music is currently playing alongside a screen recording of someone playing Subway Surfers.

Since implementing the Subway Surfers playthrough, WKCR’s listenership has increased by 200%, but it’s still far from its peak last semester. According to an inside source, WKCR is also considering splitscreens with ASMR slime videos for a new segment called WKC(ASM)R.

Volume XLII Issue 1

Ring by Spring?

It’s Two Weeks In and I’m STILL Not Married

By Julia [Your Last Name Here]

call me, beep me (if you wanna reach me)

Well. As of the writing of this article, it has been two weeks since I moved onto campus, kicking off my freshman year of college and the next four years of my life. And, so far, no one has married me yet.

There are 3223 students currently attending Barnard. There are 36,649 Columbia undergrads. 7,200 total faculty. 1 president. 1 interim president. This is allegedly the most populous city in the world. Yet no one is populating my twin-sized bed.

It makes me sick to my stomach. I’ll date anything that moves and quite a few things that don’t. Everyone thinks I’m kidding when I talk about how hot the Alma Mater statue is. I’m not. Wikipedia translates her name as “Nourishing mother.” I wish she would nourish me.

At night, I scroll through social media and see all of my friends who are almost certainly in the process of getting married. I sing along to “Not Strong Enough,” but I switch lyrics from “always an angel, never a god” to “always a

Why is The Fed’s Initiation So Weird?

By Connor Lee pro (club) choice When I first walked into 569 Lerner, I was immediately struck by two things: one, I was the only other guy in the room full of girls. Strange, but no problem.

Maybe I’m just early. Two, there was a. Lot. Of. Pink. Okay, a little early for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but also no problem. This must be how the Fed rolls! I took a seat towards the back (because I don’t chase, I attract), and waited.

“Welcome to CUPPGen! For our icebreaker, we’re going to introduce ourselves and tape a condom on our Chris Evans cutout.” Ahh, here we go. While I was clueless as to what PPGen stood for, I had no doubt I was in the correct place. What other club would start the year in such a delightfully lustful manner?

To anyone else it would seem that something was wrong, but to me it was all too right.

As the condoms started piling on, my suspicions began to set in. This game had been going on for too long. Where was the big reveal? Where was the “Welcome to The Fed?” Then I realized, No, this is a test. They’re trying to outweird us and weed out the weak. It’s all a facade.

And what a facade it was. From the room full of passionate members, to The Fed’s mascot on the whiteboard saying “We love Reproductive Rights!” to the BRAT-themed QR code that led to @cu_plannedparenthood, it was almost too well done. They could’ve fully convinced a more average Joe that this was actually a Planned Parenthood meeting and not a Fed meeting. Not me though. I was on to them.

The Feditors must’ve noticed the glint of realization in my eyes, because soon it was my turn with Chris. And here, my dear reader, is where I regret to say that I broke. They called my bluff, and I had nothing. So I excused myself to use the bathroom and never came back. On the walk back to my dorm, I was filled with frustration. I had learned nothing about The Fed and everything about Prop 1. Even worse, my pride was hurt. At that moment, I decided I would do whatever it took to get into The Fed. I’m still convinced I’m in this game—they were just testing my loyalties, if you will. I’ll admit, you got me this time, Fed. But mark my words: next Monday I’ll be enthused to handle whatever contraceptives you throw at me.

bridesmaid, never a bride.” I don’t even like boygenius but my god I would like a woman. I cry myself to sleep thinking of all of the spouses that I have let down by being stuck in this hellish school in this hellish city where no one will propose to me.

I can become anything, be anyone.

INCLUDING YOUR WIFE! What’s your favorite movie? Me too! Your Silvana Gonzalez, Staff Artist best hype song? I love that one! Tell me a joke? Ha ha! You should do stand-up! I don’t know what more you people want from me. I gave myself bangs! I collect vinyls (and I have a record player)!

I will not pierce my ears. I have to draw the line somewhere.

I’ll give it three more days then I’m transferring to a college that isn’t listed by the New York Times as “least likely to get married.”

Troubling Teen Trend: Freshmen Never Learned How To Fucking Walk

By Beau Gantz new prereq just dropped

A new craze is sweeping America’s campuses, concerning both parents and upperclassmen alike: apparently these freshmen never learned how to fucking walk.

The phenomenon has been something of a spectacle on Columbia’s campus, as noted by current senior Carrie Han: “Holy shit dude, what planet are these kids from? Stay to the right and move your feet. Jesus.” Han first noticed the trend on move-in day, when “these 14-year-olds set up a barricade around the gates, just gabbing and dapping up and sauntering all about.” She continued, “You can do that for four years. Get to where you’re going.”

This has been a perplexing and frustrating situation for many.

Reports flooded the Federalist office of literal children shutting down the first floor stairs in Lerner, forcing upperclassmen to walk all the way around the stupid ramp. “It’s humiliating. Is it a TikTok thing or something?” said a grad student who wished to remain anonymous, particularly out of fear of being bullied by the youth.

If you’re concerned about this dangerous trend impacting the people you care about, there are steps you can take to protect your loved ones. First, remind everyone around you to stay on the right side and to get a goddamn move on. Second, warn those around you about the dangers of walking in those big, annoying people-walls. If they ignore you, you must become the danger. It’s your responsibility to the university community.

Alejandro Rojas, Staff Artist

September 2024

Planned Parenthood Who?

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Volume XL Issue 1

September 2022

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This Space is For Girls, Gays, and Theys Only

Bold, Beautiful, Bachelors: Brmstrong Begins Banning Barnard Boyfriends

By Leah Gonzalez-Diaz, Julia Ryan, and Jenna Bradley Barnard baddies

Citing the campus-famous maxim “Barnard to bed, Columbia to wed,” Katrina Armstrong is commencing her interim presidency by announcing a five-year strategic plan aimed at lowering the rate of Barnard boyfriends.

“These relationships are just becoming too serious,” she wrote in a campus-wide email. Implementations include banning Columbia men from Barnard dorms, introducing mandatory speed-dating

sessions between Columbia students, and shipping up men from NYU for Barnard students to date ($5.99 handling fees incurred).

“These Barnard baddies are becoming too bad,” said one Columbia freshman (shortly before the phrase “Barnard baddies” was banned and replaced with the more sexually-neutral “Barnard buddies”). “As a first-year student looking for some fun during NSOP, I was disappointed to find that all

of the men had mysteriously vanished from my dorm. Then I looked across the street and realized that they were all over there, hogging every green chair in Milstein!”

Armstrong claims to have taken such measures in order to allow Columbia students to find love within campus gates. “Barnard students have far more sex appeal and much better fits than our own students.

If we don’t impose strict sanctions, there won’t even be any more Co-

lumbia men left for Datamatch, let alone alumni marriages at St. Paul!”

Current measures are proving ineffective, as numerous sightings of Columbia men in the Barnard gender-neutral bathrooms have been reported. Although some Barnard students have begun to break up with their Columbia boyfriends, even more have transitioned into acquiring Columbia girlfriends, creating a completely new problem.

Cool New President Armstrong Offers to Buy Beer for Underclassmen

By Beau Gantz

slay, queen

In an effort to distance herself from the unpopularly harsh actions taken by the previous president, Interim President Katrina Armstrong has formally offered to score booze for underclassmen if they don’t have a fake or whatever.

The announcement came last Tuesday when President

Armstong held an “informal rap sesh” with students at Columbia College. Armstrong straddled a backwards chair while informing freshmen that she “could totally get my hands on some Busch or White Claw or whatever if you guys have a hard time getting it. Also, I can tell you all the places that don’t card, I have them all on a spreadsheet. I mean my Notes app.”

The announcement followed a series of efforts by the interim president to establish herself as a chill, laid-back administrator who would never call the police on anybody as long as nobody broke any rules. Earlier this month, Armstrong was seen trying extremely hard to hold her own in an impromptu Spikeball game and has also been reportedly spitballing nicknames for herself and seeing what sticks.

Additionally, Armstrong has been inserting curse words into her correspondence. In a recent email, Armstrong asserted her “commitment to reaffirming our fucking values and shit.” This new tone indicates a “real cool-with-thekids,” “would-probably-never-incite-violence-on-my-students” image that Armstrong has been trying to develop.

The Columbia student body will be intently watching the President’s response to inevitable campus turmoil, as well as wondering if she will ever mention that you never paid her back for that Tito’s handle. Only time will tell.

Dani Rivera, Arts Editor

12

Yay New Prez! Yay New Prez!

Volume XLII Issue 1

Untouched, XO

How Diet Pepsi by Addison Rae Literally Saved My Life

By Dani Winkler

pulled out of the parking lot, I thought about

TikTok famous my sexy, 6’6” boyfriend, waiting for me at his

It was 6:30 p.m. The air was hot, damp, and buzzing with mosquitoes. I had just clocked out of my summer job as a cart girl at a neighborhood golf course. My pockets were stuffed with bills, my hips were swinging under my pleated athletic skirt, and a piece of bubble gum was popping between my lips. It was just like any other summer weeknight.

I slipped into my car and turned on the radio, checking my phone for any notifications missed during my twelve-hour shift. The sky was lit with the fading sunset, swatches of yellow and pink streaking across it. Addison Rae’s newly-released song, “Diet Pepsi,” came on the radio, and her dulcet tones began to stream through the stereo box. “My boy’s a winner, he loves the game,” she sang. I thought about my own boys: Jeff, 74, former news executive; Lyle, 54, wealth manager; and Richard, 68, retired Head of Sales at Verizon, among others.

“My lips reflect off his cross gold chain.” I thought about the ways I had scammed these men out of their twenties today: giving them an extra Fireball shot (diluted with iced tea), a free beer (I charged them double regardless), or a peek up my skirt as I grabbed them a cup of ice to fend off heat stroke (even though they’re literally so old, gag).

“My cheeks are red like cherries in the spring,” Rae sang. My cheeks, too, were still flushed from my hours on the green. I fastened my seatbelt. Click! It had been a slow day – I had only made a couple hundred in tips. The men had also been pretty tame today. Well, except for Walter, 77, retired pharmaceuticals rep, who told me that he’d make me his bride if it was the last thing he did. He was joking, of course, but I did notice a malicious glimmer in his eyes as I handed him his G&T. “When I drive in your car, I’m your baby.” As I

house with a fresh pan of chicken parmesan.

He always lets me drive his baby blue Camaro.

“Losing all my innocence in the backseat.” Screech! I slammed on my brakes. As Addison’s sweet, sweet harmonies interrupted my thoughts, I realized I had forgotten to follow the advice my mother had impressed upon me since I was a young girl: always check your backseat.

I swerved out of traffic and into a temporary stopping zone, whipping around to check my backseat. What do you know? There was Walter, looking guilty as a baby who had snuck a cookie from the kitchen, holding a blindfold and a pair of pink fuzzy handcuffs. “Walter, what the fuck are you doing in my gray 2009 Honda Civic?!” I exclaimed. “I told you I wanted to make you my wife,” he replied, Gilda Pretolani, Staff Artist sheepishly shrugging his bony, fragile shoulders. As though possessed by my formerMMA-fighting father (may he rest in peace), I whacked him on the head with my bright pink Stanley (filled to the brim with Diet Coke and those special ice blocks millennial women are obsessed with on TikTok). He went out like a light. With ease, I shoved his frail body out of the car door and swerved back into traffic. “God!” I said to myself, turning up the radio with disgust. “I hate this fucking job.”

I Lived It: Paying a John Jay Freshman to Hold My Damn Burrito Spot

By Ashley Rapp

Perseverance is not a long race, it's many short FacShack line industry plants

In an attempt to reconcile a shockingly dark display of a way-too-invested girl on her knees shouting “Why god whyyyy!!” outside the FacShack dinner line, I decided to invest in myself—well, technically, in a random John Jay freshman.

I believed that my foolproof plan would deliver me a warmish and probably mediocre burrito that would definitely be more disappointing than worthy of the wait experienced to obtain it. You see, it’s not about the September 2024

burrito—it's about the novel experience, the camaraderie of being the girl in the dining newsletter know.

Well, you’d never guess my surprise when I met my spot holder at the metallic cutout counter and found that it had all been an elaborate setup, “I don't think my father Mr.FacShackNightBurrito would be pleased to hear about your unlawful behavior.”

Well, there goes that dream.

Farewell, chipotle ranch! *sigh*

June Frankel, Staff Artist

13

They/Them coming soon...

Fed's (Just the) Tips for a Sexy Fall Semester

By Izzy Szyfer, Sylvi Stein, and Ella Diaz

To all my wanton degenerates of Barnumbia, If you have felt a complete lack of vim, vigor, sex appeal, or any other ~lustful~ emotions since returning to campus, have no fear: I, Izzy Szyfer, a person who watched UK Skins way too early in my adolescent years, along with my co-managing editor, Sylvi Stein, and Ella Diaz, our third, are here to help!

We’ve compiled a list of the best strategies to turn your fall semester from dry and crispy

lusions as possible: What’s control, you have to prove it. sexier than disassociating (like autumn leaves) to wet and from reality? Your coquettish 5. Sit in Cafe East, do no slippery (like autumn leaves… stare will drive everyone wild. work, and eye-fuck a rainthat have been rained on). drop while it slides down 3. Take a leave of absence if the window. Have your main 1. Wear a flannel around your hot prof from last se- character music video moment campus with nothing mester is on sabbatical: Be- as every dining plan holder but underwear under cause, like, what’s the point of shoves bubble tea down their neath.

You’ll look slinking into class two min- gullet. Are they deepthroatso cozy and autum- utes late to show off your out- ing? No, just a loose pearl. nal from the back, and can flash fit if you can’t even see their your lingerie from the front— broody, disapproving stare? 6. Come to The Fed. Nothnobody will need to guess ing sexier than writing for what’s going on down there. 4. Get a TicTac container and the hottest paper on campus.

Show off those DDs in JJ’s, girl. fill it with all the Plan B from We’ll even walk you home ;) the Barnard vending machine.

2. Indulge in as many de- If you really want to have birth Familiar with Sex

Op-Ed: Oh, so NOW you like it when a billion-dollar organization buys out property in Upper Manhattan?!

By Lee Bollinger Minouche Shafik

def not bitter

Oh, I get it now. So when the university displaces local businesses and homes to expand our educational capabilities, and I suppose our modest real estate portfolio, it’s worth years of protests and heckling.

But when displacing local business gets you that sweet, succulent Caniac™ Combo, now you’re ALLLLLLL for it. Funny how that works.

You know what? I’m glad I resigned. I’ve had enough of dealing with these shitty American flavor palettes for the past year. This is why I moved back to England! I know where you stand. Fuck you.

Bayan Shimizu, Senior Editor

14

Dear Barnard ‘28: You Will Come Out as Non-Binary in Two Years, Start Thinking About It Now

By Dani Rivera

been there, she/they'd that

Happy first year of college you little queers! It’s so cute that you decided to come to a historically women's college because you love theorizing gender and also want to escape your suburban hometown for gay New York. <3 I too once entered Barnard College as a she/they with pink streaks in my hair.

As a senior, I’m here to share some words of wisdom. Most people don’t just view gender as a “spectrum” and feel disconnected from their body and also have a crush on every single person with a mullet that they see and secretly wish that they were them…— YOU ARE NON-BINARY.

Gentrification...Yummy

Please save yourself the years of she/they —> they/ she —> they/them and start questioning yourself NOW.

Dani Rivera, Arts Editor

Volume XLII Issue 1

We! Love! This! Institution!

Dean Josef Sorett Caught Wearing Jorts: Jorts Declared No Longer Cool

By Quinn Snyder

FUGLY j-orts?

On Saturday afternoon, the Dean of Columbia College, Dr. Josef Sorett, was spotted walking his Chihuahua and bumming a cigarette in Riverside Park–wearing jorts!

Students also reported Sorett has a previously undisclosed tattoo of a baby lion reading Metamorphosis on his calf. After a picture was posted on Sidechat, the local Goodwill reported an influx of jorts donations.

“So many people have been getting rid of their jorts, our denim section took over our flannel rack,” said a Goodwill employee. Meanwhile, jorts have been disappearing from

campus faster than President Shafik.

The disappearance of jorts has sent ripples throughout the fashion world. New York Fashion Week came out with a statement announcing that none of the models would be wearing jorts on the runway this year. “Once a fashion statement reaches the middle-aged professor demographic, that typically means that a trend has run its course,” noted a NYFW stylist.

The Fed reached out to Dean Sorett for comment, but he denied our requests, citing he was too busy “thrifting vintage Playboy t-shirts.”

Report: One of These Little Freaks is The Next Obama

By Beau Gantz will it be you?

A staggering new study has confirmed a long-standing concern in the Columbia community—one of these dorky little assholes is, indeed, the next Barack Obama.

Columbia’s proud history of accomplished and influential alumni is a cornerstone of the university’s identity, however, this reputation often clashes with the reality that so many of these slimy, arrogant pricks you share a campus with are so objectively annoying that they couldn’t possibly be even mildly suc-

cessful. Unfortunately, despite their lack of good opinions or normal voices, one of these Grade-A goobers is gonna be in your kid’s textbook someday.

Experts suggest immediately getting on the good side of all these uptight losers, in the hopes that a minor cabinet position or pity check could come your way in the future. After all, one of these snarky know-it-alls will soon rise to their full potential, or just be in the right place at the right time, and be lauded as an American hero. God damn it.

Ashley Rapp, Head Submissions Editor

"I Literally Can’t Read or Write": President Armstrong Announces Resignation After AI Detected in Her Email

By Oliver Green

who's ready for round 4?

Well, that was fast. Columbia’s interim president, Katrina Armstrong, has resigned after barely more than a month on the job. An independent review of communications to the student body from Columbia administrators revealed each of Armstrong’s emails to set off anti-AI software. A deeper investigation uncovered that Armstrong had been spending most of her time as president alone in her office, dictating prompts to feed to a popular generative AI software. The interim president attempted to resign immediately, yet, as she sat down to type out an September 2024

email announcing the news, Armstrong broke down in tears. Deans Sorrett and Chang reported her as saying, “Guys, I literally can’t read or write.”

For those seeking to regulate AI in the classroom, this scandal serves as an example of the unfair success that many can achieve by using these cheating tools. However, many students have used this as an opportunity to advocate for AI in the classrooms, and have begun to protest by donning matching bracelets reading “Katrina ArmstrongerTogether.”

Same, tbh.

Bayan Shimizu, Senior Editor

15

Realities of The Ivy League...

Gates of Heaven Now Open to CUID Holders ONLY

By Federalist Staff can alumni can swipe in from Hell?

In a stunning revelation, a Columbia student who claims to have visited Heaven has reported that the pearly gates themselves now require a CUID. “So there’s this guy at the front, sitting at a little desk in front of the gates, and he welcomes me and is super warm and friendly,” the student explained. “And that’s when I noticed his halo… and then the scanner.”

According to the student, the scanner appeared just like those adopted by Columbia University throughout the last academic year, when only CUID-holding individuals were allowed on campus. Apparently, this policy has expanded to the Heavenly campus above.

“I was shocked. Sometimes I forget my CUID in

my dorm so I knew getting in was probably impossible if I managed to forget it again,” the student continued. “A line started building up behind me too.

Honestly, the whole experience was much more stressful than what I thought Heaven was gonna be like.”

The student explained he frantically searched his pockets until he was sure he must’ve left his CUID at home. “Unfortunately the guy—he said his name was Peter or something— at the front just gave me a solemn look and insisted I come back with my ID. My vision got all fuzzy, and I woke up here.”

“So that’s why I’m back. Just had to grab my ID.” The student then grabbed his wallet and vanished into a gleaming mist.

Leah Gonzalez-Diaz, Staff Artist

Kid Sitting in Front of You in Your Lecture SUCKS ASS at Connections

By Sasha Maroulis gotta be a legacy...

No seriously: he just sits there, randomly guesses four things, and somehow manages to be one away. Then he uses all his guesses, gets nothing right, opens an incognito tab, and does the same strategy over and over until it’s complete. What’s the point? Why does he do this? Does he think he’s accomplishing something? You don’t know. All you know… is that he sucks ass at Connections. And also you weren’t paying attention for the last five minutes so you’re gonna have to go back through the professor’s barebones slides and try to decode what they said. Oof. Stella Turowsky-Ganci, Staff Artist

NERD ALERT: This Freshman’s First College Party Was a Debate Watch Party

By Gabrielle Linder get out much?

Colin, a first-year Poli Sci student from Ohio, called his mom to tell her he finally got invited to his first college party! He didn’t even get to the Carman floor nine lounge until 8:40. Debate bingo mandatory, drinking optional. Most people were doing homework, but the energy was there for sure. He didn’t get back to his room ‘til after 11—so, yeah, it was definitely a rager.

16

REAL NEWS HERE FOLKS

Volume XLII Issue 1

Live Love Club Fair

New Campus Finance Group so Selective, It Has Zero Members

By Izzy Szyfer

knows what a quant is! as the humanities students of The

It is a truth universally acknowledged that any future Columbia millionaires and billionaires hoping to secure a job from the very start of college must be in want of a finance club. And for this group, not just any finance club will do. Nay, it must be of the utmost selectivity, for how else will these elite students at an elite college signal to their community that they, from before the age of 18, could execute a perfect Discounted Cash Flow valuation? In the wake of such a truth, rumours of a new finance club at Columbia circulate amongst the aspirational Wall Street sort. This club, which would not dare to reveal its name to a group as lowly and unemployable

Columbia Federalist, reportedly evaluates its potential members on so intense a set of criteria that it has currently accepted not a single student. No stock pitch will impress, and there is no answer to a behavioral question insightful enough to make an impact on the nonexistent Executive Board.

There may still be hope yet. After all, there is a new class of overzealous freshmen eager for LinkedIn posting at the ready. So come ye! Don thy Brooks Brothers suits! Practice thy handshakes! Your career may well begin and end at this juncture! Pray for providence from thy forefathers: David, Solomon, and Goldman Sachs CEO David Solomon! Time is money, and the time is now!

Silvana Gonzalez, Staff Artist

Ally? This Straight Dude Took All the Free Shit From the LGBTQ Resource Tables

By Beau Gantz yeah, chad, the A toooootally stands for Ally

Ashley Rapp, Head Submissions Editor

September 2024

Look out, Columbia! We have a certified LGBTQ ally in our midst. Local straight man N. Tewgerls went straight up to the Queer Alliance club fair table, and, noticing they had pens and frisbees and shit, dove right in and started taking their stuff.

“You could tell he was passionate about our mission,” the club’s director said. “He just went dead-eyed when he saw those pens, man. The dude was locked in.” Tewgerl’s fervent commitment to the club was recognized by several onlookers, who reported seeing him repeatedly return to the table to snag individual Starbursts and handfuls of stickers. “I’m living off this free shit,” Tewgerls told the Fed. “It’s legitimately essential for me right now. I did not bring any school supplies or stickers to college. I really needed this.”

Small acts of allyship really do bring this community together. Thank you, hero!

Why do men

17

I LOVE THIS SCHOOL

Registrar’s Office Replaces Outdated Registration System with Something More “Merit Based”

By L.T. Enziloch let the games begin!

Twenty-five years after the last major update of SSOL in 2001 following the .com bubble burst and the concurrent cheapening of software engineer labor, the Registrar’s Office has announced plans to reformat registration entirely in an effort to modernize and better prepare students for the current labor market.

Instead of receiving an assigned registration time as in the previous system, students will receive a starting position on the Quad, a weapon of their choice, and a list of those they must hunt down in order to enroll in classes required for their degrees. Golden tickets to highly coveted classes, as well as additional weaponry, will be placed near Alma Mater on the Low Steps in the center of the are-

na—sorry, campus. The victor of the tournament shall be permitted to enroll in any class they desire, while the loser shall suffer the loss of their major, among other things.

Correspondents within the Registrar’s Office, who wish to remain anonymous, hope that this tournament will prepare Columbia students for job markets across fields and increase the efficiency of an outdated and chaotic registration system which has been the subject of complaints since the .com bubble software slump ceased. When asked about the safety and efficacy of the new system, Columbia officials with confusingly elaborate hairstyles responded “We’re not above using spectacle to create a little terror.

There’s a point to everything, or to nothing at all, depending on your worldview,” while petting multiple rainbow-colored vipers.

Jay S, Staff Artist

Single Metal Tear Falls From Alma Mater As No Freshman Sit On Her Knee, Give Wishes For Year

By Aron Shklar

Yukta Jeetendra Sant, Staff Artist

we've all been there, Alma

18

In a deeply moving scene on Tuesday, witnesses reported seeing a single metal tear sorrowfully fall from the left eye of the Alma Mater statue. Upon hearing about the normally-impassive statue shed a tear, the Fed took it upon themselves to investigate. It took some time to get the statue to open up, but eventually we were able to learn why the statue cried. As told to our writers, the statue dramatically shed the solitary tear after accepting that another school year had started without a single wide-eyed freshman sitting upon her metal knee. None had come to rest upon her and relay their fantastical hopes for the year, asking for impossibilities such as a short FacShack line, an easy LitHum class, or even a full week without the administration setting up a massive tent on Low Plaza. In fact, it had been so long since a student sat upon that metal knee and relayed their hopes and dreams that Alma looked brand-new, with no signs of students ever resting upon her cold metal lap.

Time will only tell if this somewhat-beloved tradition returns to Alma Mater’s cold metal legs and warms her steel heart.

Butler is soooo Cornucopia coded y'all

Volume XLII Issue 1

LET'S GO DOWNTOWN, IT'LL BE FUN

Swim Test Moved to Hudson River

By Federalist Staff C U there...

The Hudson River: home to fish, party cruises, sewage, chemical contamination, and, now, the Columbia College swim test.

In a recent change by Columbia administrators, students graduating in 2028 and later will be required to swim the length of the Hudson River to receive their diplomas. This unexpected change was announced in a new email update from Interim President Katrina Armstrong: “In ongoing efforts to unite the Columbia campus, we hope this adjustment will encourage students to bond together over even deeper confusion and annoyance regarding this historic Columbia College tradition.”

Faced with backlash over the total lack of

cleanliness of the Hudson, Armstrong dismissed any further complaints by demonstrating her trust in the river’s sanitation. Armstrong dove into the river this past Saturday morning, à la Paris’ Mayor before the 2024 Summer Olympics.

As Armstrong resurfaced and climbed back onto land, her skin emitted a slight green glow. She refused to answer questions about this new look, insisting that she’s “never felt better,” and the grime now coating her skin is “great for exfoliation!”

Most importantly, her dive also represented the historic moment of being the first New Yorker to willingly enter the Hudson River. This weekend proved Columbia has been left in capable hands, as she’s willing to take “one giant leap for mankind” just like her late father, Neil.

WARNING: That NYU Man in Jorts Will NOT Save You!!!

By Zoe Silverman downtown diva

As the school year kicks off, I must issue a warning to everyone attending Barnard/Columbia!! Whether you're entering college or considering dabbling in a new dating pool, I have an urgent PSA: Do NOT head down to Clandestinos and let a man wearing JNCOs and holding Seven Stars cigarettes buy you a Guinness. Do NOT watch his skate clips and the short films he edits and let him try to introduce you to Erykah Badu. Do NOT let him tell you how he actually started wearing jorts wayyyy before everyone

else. Do NOT date a man from NYU! As soon as you see them stroll into Paul’s Baby Grand, walk past the raucous laughter and cigarette smoke coming from Washington Square Park, hear the roaring sounds of skateboards rolling down the street, or hear the word Stern dropped in a sentence, RUN! It is a canon experience for a member of the Barnard/Columbia community to be traumatized by a man from NYU. The ghost of their “quirky” presence will haunt you for the rest of your time in New York. Sage your room, and get out while you can!

Gilda Pretolani, Staff Artist

An Ode to My Woozoo

By Jay S.

What's a woozoo anyway?

Oh Woozoo, Your blessed blades breathe air within my Brooks dorm room Your swiveling head surveys atop the shoebox, sustaining a subtle breeze that whispers a coo I know it is not easy to combat the cosmic forces of the summer heat’s ransom It cannot be simple on your soul to exist in an endless Sisyphean quest To be swish, swish, swishing against stale steamy air knowing you seldom lower the temperature but a mere degree.

But know, dear Woozoo, I believe in your jest I must, though our relationship conflictual.

I, too, was bound to a fate that is not of my own desire For all that my tuition dollar be, just as verdant as my Sulz co-patriots, my dorm is not equal Let us both pray for the day the sun’s rays choose to lose their fervor Jay S., Staff Artist

September 2024

I'm drowning!!!!

19

Alejandro Rojas, Staff Artist (Accompaning Graphic for "Fed’s (Just the) Tips for a Sexy Fall Semester," pg. 14) Alison Winfield, Fed Alumna

SHAFIK AND ARMSTRONG STAN THE FED... AND SO SHOULD YOU!!

JOIN US! SUNDAYS 8:30PM LERNER 569 XO

Oliver Green, Head Submissions Editor

Ella Diaz, Head Layout Editor

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Volume XLII Issue 1