Only Newspaper That Talks in Breakout Rooms
Student Hopes to Gain Full Participation Credit over Zoom Through Vigorous Head Nodding Page 4
Columbia Student Life Announces New Awards to Encourage Phone sex in Promotion of the Health Compact Page 7
Senior Wisdom from Julia, Annie, Joey, and Stan <3
EDITORIAL BOARD
Annie Iezzi & Julia Schreder Feditors-in-Chief
Gustie Owens & Nurasyl Shokeyev Managing Editors
Amelia Fay & Nikhil Mehta Head Submissions Editors GENERAL BOARD
Matt Nola Publisher
Zachary Ginsberg Graphics Editor
Jayne Magliocco Layout Editor
Zoe Davidson Video Editor
Zoe Davidson
Sam Grossman
Isabel O’Brien
Anjali Ramakrishnan
Phillip Ruddy
Wesley Schmidt
Mary Schauf Submissions Editors
Elizabeth Meyer Undertaker
Joseph Baer Senior Editor
Yumtsokyi Bhum, Whitney Deng, Anique Edwards, Julian Gerber, Dessa Gerger, Dahlia Low, Alex Malamud, Megan Meyerson, Emily Olson, Ava Sanjabi, Baha Topbas, Lauren Unterberger Staff Writers
Lillian Aregawi, Kat Chen, Jules Michaud, Mai Morsey Staff Artists
Miriam Alvarez-Rosenbloom, Mollie Schmidtberger Staff Copy Editors
Claire Ponnaiya, Ben Stettin Data Analysts
Jeannette Kim, Lauren Lee Social Media Team
Dearest FeDolly Partons,
Just call us Snapchat’s cursed software, because we are back to assail you with almostforgotten memories of the past year. It’s certainly been a doozy, and we as an organization and as a pair of Feditors in Chief hold tremendous gratitude for all those contributors, readers, and yes *gasp* administrators who have helped us publish in these unprecedented times. But we covered all of that sappy business in the Spectador issue, so give that a read for some warm fuzzies after you have perused this esteemed volume.
What we are really here to say is this: satire is the most accessible form of sociopolitical critique, so among these pages, you will find cutting-edge commentary on life inside the US’s most disgraceful liberal institution. From infuriatingly rambly emails to the eternal plight of the graduate students, The Fed speaks up when its voice is needed, and especially when it is not. And even if you don’t buy into that, your reading will yield some top-tier puns and bathroom humor to drive home the intellectual wit that The Federalist houses. This publication really has something for everyone, especially when that everyone includes readers thirsting for a semi-pornographic illustration of Andrew Cuomo in pasties.
As finals flatten us like the administration steamrolls the demands of organized students, we are all feeling a bit like the Patron Saint of 2021, Ms. Dolly Parton: “Tumble outta bed and I stumble to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of ambition, yawn and stretch and try to come to life…” Whether you’re a cool J&J kid, a Pfizer friend, a Moderna missus (thank you Dolly) or whether you’re suspiciously just “waiting it out,” we’re all in need of a bit of a boost right now–and I’m not talking about that sweet, sweet second shot.
With this in mind, we present to you our year in review of the 2020-2021 academic(ish) year, chock full of articles, graphics, advertisements, and the furious tears of our enemies to brighten your day. And as a sign that we might finally be nearing the end of this panini, this one’s in traditional layout form, and IN PRINT!
Here’s to wishing you all a bearable finals week and a luminous summer.
Peace, Love, What a Way to Make a Livin’, Chiefs
PAGE 3: the quadratic formula
PAGE 4: Prezbo's secrets to longevity
PAGE 5: the nuclear codes
PAGE 6: melittology
PAGE 7: a CULPA rant
PAGE 8-9: free J&J vaccine
PAGE 10: blood clots
PAGE 11: Frontiers of Scientology
PAGE 12: Hewitt menu captions
PAGE 13: Zotero
PAGE 14: plagarism but we changed a few words
PAGE 15: The ever-elusive Summer A class list
By Anique Edwards She Dissents
COLUMBIA LAW SCHOOL—Hoist up your skirts and bring out your gavels. Halloween 2020 is approaching! With all the bad in the world, why not spice up your holiday and honor a feminist icon? With Amy Coney Barret being Trump’s pick, (ewwww, she’s totally NOT as hot), we have to show those conservatives who the baddest bitch is! Get your lingerie, and get ready to pose on Low Steps to honor our beloved alumna, Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
We all know that if RBG and Amy were to have an epic dance off, RBG would
totally demolish her. Furthermore, Amy Coney Barrett is a strawberry blonde… A BLONDE! In 2020?? Girl, pack it up— this isn’t the early 2000’s. If a woman is going to take away my rights, she better be brunette, and she better be SEXY. Anyways… I digress. Dressing up as a slutty RBG would show young female professionals that they can be anything they aspire to be. It would show young female professionals that they can be anything they aspire to be. It would show strength in numbers. It would show love. Dress up as a slutty RBG, today!
By Gustie Owens Health Goddess
As the Jews, Jew-ish goys, and goys roped into attending high holiday festivities with their Jewish signif-others know… the day of fasting, Yom Kippur is fast approaching. You’ve spent the week repenting for the many nights pre-March 2020 when you sat noshing on chicken wings with a side of froyo in the corner of JJ’s place after a night of drunken debauchery. And now, the day-long fast of Yom Kippur is upon us. 24 hours of asking God for forgiveness and praying for your name to be enshrined in the book of life and all the while not eating!
As you drool onto your machzor, we here at the Federalist know what’s on your mind. And we’re going to describe it all to you in graphic, sensual detail.
1. Some form of chicken on some form of carb. Or in some form of carb. Nothing recharges your intellectual curiosity like guessing what part of the chicken you are consuming inside your nugget-type morsel. Is it a wing? A leg? That’s all part of the fun of this mouth-watering dish.
2. Bananas. Nothing gives me more of a rush than sneaking bananas out of JJ’s for the following day's breakfast. A great source of potassium and adrenaline, excellent for bowel movement.
3. Chia pudding with anonymous accoutrements. It’s so fun to guess what dried food parcels are nestled into your healthy goo. Gwenyth Paltrowendorsed, chia pudding always makes you feel better about yourself after a night of waiting for someone to sign you into EC.
4. Diet Coke or something. Nothing says, “I had a crazy night out and now I’m parched” like pouring a brown-ish bev into a plastic Columbia Dining cup and THEN deciding to plunk some ice in, spattering your liquid corn syrup all over your hand. Imagine how good that would feel right now.
5. Gummy Bears with fries. Nothing tastes better (and requires more repentance) than a bite of a gelatinous non-kosher small bear complemented with a crispy potato fry.
6. Impossible Burger. Did… you know this isn’t meat? Nothing virtue-signals better than an Impossible Burger, more than the 30-second pitch to everyone at your JJ’s table about “how I really can’t believe this isn’t meat… it’s so sustainable that cows aren’t releasing gallons of methane to create a normal burger.”
7. Chicken, a fried egg, sriracha, some vegetables, and tomatoes on a roll. The best steal in JJ’s has always been creating insta-worthy brunch meals with a swipe, be it pancakes or a fancy sandwich. The closer you can get to passing a JJ’s order off for a $19 meal at Bluestone Lane, the better. Those were the days.
8. Just a cup of water. Honestly, by hour 17 of the fast, I’m dreaming of the days where I would trade in a swipe for just a sip of water.
By Anjali Ramakrishnan
Still waiting...
It was already a strange start to the year. There was no walking through Butler before knowing it would become your central crying location, no texting your friends about how much you love the 1 train after riding it to 110th for Panda Express, and (for many) there were no Carman parties.
Thus, when a group of freshmen organized a Zoom party, students were optimistic there would still be some semblance of the Barnumbia spirit in the midst of a global pandemic.
But, as Barnard students logged on to Zoom, they received a message notifying them to stay in the waiting room. They assumed it was standard procedure and everyone would be admitted. Little did they know they would be stuck waiting for hours while countless CC/SEAS
students were let into the Zoom call.
A first-year CC student, who has opted to remain anonymous, has denied any wrongdoing. He claimed to Federalist reporters that “[he] was just trying to make things as close to real life at Columbia,” one in which Barnard students need sign-ins to parties. “We need rules. Why go to this university if I can’t bask in my Ivy League superiority somehow? I mean, Barnard students are already infiltrating our classes!
Sources claim he put these measures in place because he was salty after his team was crushed by Barnard students in a Columbia trivia-themed Kahoot. Others claim it was a group action implemented by CC students who were horrified after learning the fates of club applications they were working on since junior high were in the hands of Barnard students in club leadership.
By Jeanette Kim Feeling Under the Weather
Along with the resurgence of the spread of coronavirus, a new spread of a commonly known virus has been brought to attention: FOMO.
“Though FOMO has been around for a while, we have been noticing a huge increase in recent days. We found that the beginning of this massive spike correlates to the announcement that the spring semester would be online,” says Dr. Melanie Bernitz, Vice President of Columbia Health.
Prez Bo has also expressed his concern: “Though we would like to be able to offer housing to those who listed FOMO as their reason for extenuating home circumstances, there are just too many people suffering with this disease. We wish them the best and hope that we will be able to invite everyone back to campus in the Fall of 2021.”
Common symptoms are living vicariously through Instagram posts,
touch deprivation, lucid dreaming about a life without your blue light glasses, and crying. If you find yourself experiencing these, please reach out to Columbia Health Services to make an appointment
MAI MORSEY/STAFF
as soon as possible.
To those who will be remaining at home and are highly susceptible to FOMO, stay safe and stay healthy. And for those who have already been affected, we are praying for you. Get well soon.
By Julia Schreder
On Your Zoom Screen and in your Heart
ZOOM LECTURE—Arthur Ashten, CC ‘21, has one key strategy for the Fall 2020 Semester: to charm his professors through repeated aggressive head nodding. Although Ashten never intends to speak out loud, he hopes to attain full participation credit by simply nodding knowingly whenever his professor says something deeply profound.
Ashten has developed four different models of spatial nodding.
The first, the Sympathetic Nod, is for exclusive use when a classmate tells a personal story that relates to the text. It involves the minor bob up and down of the head and should be accompanied by the slight protrusion of the lip to indicate, “Hey. I’m a white man who shares none of your experiences, but I get it.”
The second nod is known as the Affirmatory Nod. It should be used when someone wants to “push back a
little on what the author is saying here,” and by golly, you think you agree! Take down those power structures! Fight against the machine! YOU GO, GIRL!
While the Affirmatory Nod is powerful, it should not be confused with the Dissenting Nod, which should be saved for the rare occasion when your professor may have just... crossed the line a little bit….? Did anyone else hear that…? I mean, you aren’t going to say anything, but you will let your outrage be felt through your MacBook Pro camera with a very slow and solemn head motion.
Finally, there is the most powerful nod of them all, the Self Congratulatory Nod. This is to be used after you *gasp* actually speak on the Zoom, or better yet, after you’ve asked a three-paragraphlong question in the Zoom chat. Once you’re done with your intellectual heavy lifting for the day, sit back in your chair and nod in satisfaction. You’ve earned it, champ.
By Megan Meyerson Turtle Owner
Columbia released a statement yesterday following several reports of pets in the background of students’ Zoom screens. The statement read: “It has come to our attention that students have been allowing their pets to attend their Zoom classes—and not just the usual suspects like dogs and cats, but also, more troublingly, animals with greater intellectual capacity, such as parrots and pigs. This can only continue if the offending students agree to pay the standard auditing fee. Being online does not diminish the value of education, and we are only looking to protect our beloved institution.”
When several students protested the insanity of this demand, a Columbia spokesman replied: “The university understands the financial difficulty of
these unprecedented times—we did, after all, absorb the previously proposed 2% tuition increase for the 2020–2021 school year—and we would like to take this opportunity to thank all students for their resilience during this trying time, but this cannot continue. Any auditing student, human or otherwise (we do not wish to discriminate), must pay tuition.”
The statement also included the following notes: “Students in Switzerland may pay a single auditing fee for two guinea pigs, as the University recognizes the illegality of owning a single guinea pig.
“We would like to remind pets to keep themselves muted throughout class to limit background barking, meowing, screeching, etc. We would also like to note that having another student present in the room during the taking of an exam is a violation of the honor code,
By Ava Sanjabi Pins Herself
It is a scene that unfolds in your room every day. You open Zoom, and the lovely little dialog appears with your reflection displayed. It nudges you to Join With Video; who are you to deny the communication gods of your presence? As class begins, your eyes wander to classmates, TAs, and professors, but there is one square that is particularly alluring. The temptation is too strong to resist. Your eyes lock with the figure in the square. You are staring at yourself.
Your vanity is not your fault. You have been fed Greek tales and ancient legends in LitHum that emphasize individuality. You have been told from a young age that you are exceptional, that you are destined for greatness. You are at one of the most exceptional institutions in the world, and you got in on merit alone. You are used to having the world revolve around you, and it does. Narcissus held a similar infatuation with what stared back at him, spending his whole life falling deeper in love with himself. Isn’t his fame exactly the kind of timeless legacy we all aspire to achieve?
Zoom
and we encourage students sharing a study space to wear a mask (we are sorry to report an unfortunate instance where a betta fish with respiratory problems caught the virus).”
When asked if service or emotional support animals were exempt from the new rule, Columbia responded that the student could file a petition for a waiver but that processing time would be needed. The spokesperson added, “We are waving the health fee for any pets who do choose to audit classes as we recognize that none of our telehealth professionals are fluent in animal languages. We hope to correct this if there is enough demand from the student body.”
may not be as poetic as a glimmering pond, but this screen holds a slice of your historic self. You know you want to pin it, but proceed with caution, for your greatest Nemesis is your Professor.
KAT CHEN/GRAPHICS EDITOR
They may ask you to answer a question, causing you to lose focus on your image. Or, worse yet, they may force you into breakout rooms to look at someone else’s face. Oh, the horror is unimaginable!
Fear not, little narcissist; you live to Zoom another day, locked forever in your gaze with yourself.
By Jake Goidell
On his Fifth Mimosa Tower
AMITY HALL UPTOWN—After many delays and much trepidation for Columbia students, President Bollinger has announced plans for the upcoming Spring 2021 semester.
In the lengthy email, Bollinger stated that due to health concerns, only select students would be allowed back on the 2nd best campus in the 3rd best city in the entire Tri-State area. “The rest,” he said, “can continue to rot in whatever hellhole they’re from.”
Among the students invited back on campus are CC and SEAS seniors as well as students who have attended Senior Night at a local UWS establishment. Bollinger stated that there will be robust testing and enforcement protocols for the returning students which he promised will be “more strict than the bouncer at Mel’s.”
When pressed for reasons, Bollinger claimed Senior Night attendees had shown the “fortitude, grit, and alcohol tolerance” which defines the Columbia community. He said further, “If they can withstand the deluge of bacteria that
comes with a four-day weekend and crowded bars, I’m sure they can fend off any virus.”
Bollinger also felt it necessary to welcome back senior citizens to campus, so all GS students have the option for on-campus housing.
Finally, PrezBo announced that the entirety of East Campus would be reserved for Timothee Chalamet, “you know just in case he, like, maybe wants to come and chill. No pressure or anything.”
By Anonymous Star 67
MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS—In a bid to encourage safe and healthy interactions on campus, Columbia is rolling out a new program under the #KeepTheCompact umbrella that will promote covid-19 secure intercourse, called #KinkyForTheCommunity.
The program contains a string of awards for campus ambassadors who are most creatively getting dirty on their phone camera for the good of public health. Through social media spotlights, the administration hopes these campus heroes will gain the recognition they deserve and inspire others to follow their example.
The administration really wants to stress that if we are to get through these tough times and keep transmission down, it is not only our responsibility to slut it up on our phone cameras ourselves, but we must encourage our peers to slut it up on camera and report them when they do not.
The University was pleased to give The Shapiro Award for “Best literary allusions in sexy talk wasted on an Econ major” to American Studies major Rachel Winters CC’22. While getting the nasty on through FaceTime, she
gave a tastefully vivid description of her lying in the long grass of a North Carolina meadow, holding her partner as he slowly unbuttoned her blouse, and then uttered that, in that moment, she felt she was a “little piece of a great big soul.” Her boyfriend Todd, who studies Econ-Statistics, soon explained he’d already finished and hung up to prep his HireVue answers. The University wanted to commend such commitment to simulating a real sexual experience through shaky audio, although noted that her boyfriend will never treat her to something so romantic at any point in their relationship. A congratulations is still in order for spending the entire Fall semester in separate states and committing to virtual sex to prevent the spread of coronavirus.
Next, Jason Roberts CC’23 was the worthy recipient of The Christopher Robin Award for “Prioritising the public health over the feelings of their stuffed animals.” When jerking off on camera for a stranger he met on Tinder that day, his fellow participant (whose name cannot be recalled) pointed out that a rather large bear, with bulging black eyes and faded brown synthetic fur, was staring at him. In a moment that shattered all childhood innocence but kept the moment going, Roberts reached
and
Additional awards include The Aaron Schock Award for “Surprising the most people in your hometown who didn’t suspect your sexuality until seeing you on Grindr,” The Frankie Jonas Award for “Most successfully navigated interruption from parents” and The Floormates’ Choice Award for “Sounding most like the real thing,” although the latter award may be terminated if recipients are so successful they tempt peers into floor-cest. Finally
The Stephanie Meyer Award for “Most vanilla role-play that at least they tried anyway,” went to that couple who have been together since NSOP, Ashley and Rick, to thank them for at least trying to be a cross police officer and woman who was pulled over for doing 79 in a 75. Other measures from the university include purchasing authentic phone scripts from 0800 XXXX18 that students can use as examples of sexy talk and incorporate into their phone sex, plus the provision of adjustable ring lights to improve lighting while at it.
LILLIAN AREGAWI/STAFF ARTIST
By Zoe Davidson
Ref Sweetheart
GREEN"S BED— At 1:00 AM last night, Thomas Green (CC ’23) went to the Columbia University Libraries webpage and typed “U up?” into the “Ask A Librarian” chatbox.
“I hadn’t left my house in days,” Green explained, after being asked to account for his late-night message.
“I just desperately needed to talk to someone other than my parents and little brother. Shooting my shot with the Columbia University Libraries team seemed like the right thing to do.”
According to a source close to Green, the sophomore was debating between
filling out the “Contact Us” form on the Compliance Office webpage, tweeting at the FroSci Twitter account, and DMing the librarians. “I’d say Thomas made the right call,” our source told us. “I actually recommended that he schedule a video or phone consultation with a library subject specialist, but Thomas didn’t want to seem too desperate. He wanted to play it cool, you know?”
Despite his smooth moves, it unfortunately appears as though the libraries team has ghosted Green. The Federalist will continue to monitor the situation, and update our readers as more information becomes available.
By Mary Schauf
NEW YORK—Delaney White, CC ’24, has not left her Furnald single in four days, nor has she changed out of the same Rolling Stones tshirt. But that hasn’t dissuaded her from thinking a certain Columbia Confessions post was about her.
“Sure, the post described ‘a tall, beautiful blonde,’ but from a distance
my neon pink hair could appear a bit flaxen,” White reasoned. As of press time, she is also worried that Confessions post describing “toxic friends” is about her, even though she has yet to make any friends at Columbia.
By Fed Staff Tree Huggers
2020 was a long, lonely, and horny year. With limited access to sexual partners and encouragement to go out into the great outdoors as means of safe socializing, the last year has made us thirst-tree. All this talk of tree-son and political
Yale students enjoy doing the dir-tree with shrubs. Always in the shadow of Harvard, second-tier Yale can’t even find normal trees willing to hook-up with them. When a student accidentally fucks a poison ivy bush, their welts get diagnosed as gonnar-tree-a.
Darmouthians’ proclivi-tree for tree-fucking is evident by their college logo: a D with a tree in it. It only makes sense that all the trees on campus end up with a D in it.
One step onto the Brown campus and it is evident what Brown is at-tree-cted to. The smell of marijuana wafts from their (puny) gates all the way to their (weird) blue teddy bear statue. As Kendrick Lamar says, “I don't wanna treat no bitch when I just smoke tree.”
To no one’s surprise, Cornell’s place in the treefuck club is a little bit . . . artificial. You know those pine-shaped air fresheners? Yeah . . .
in-tree-gue has made The Federalist think about trees (in a sexy way, not academic or botanical, but in a sexy, sexy way). And Columbia is not the only institution that’s horny for Mother Nature. With “ivy” in the name, it only checks out that these freaks would be into some (weed)whacky stuff (i.e., tree-fucking: ivy students fuck trees).
Anyone who knows the Harvardian lifestyle is aware of the Tree-Climbing Club, where the participants get busy, in more ways than one. These nerds know how to climb a tree. Make sure to stop by the David Rosenthal Center for Wellness and Health Promotion if you think you have Syphi-leaf or Genital Herp-trees.
When Princeton students are feeling naughttree, they get down and dirty with Aspens. Just the name alone is enough to remind anyone in an eating club of their beloved annual ski trip to Colorado. But be warned, in order to fuck any of Princeton’s finest Aspens, your grandaddy has to buy a building in your name.
The students who chased big city lights in lieu of decent mental health for their college experience naturally prefer to fuck the seasonal light-up trees. Pick your dazzling foliage wisely though, it’s been rumored that Timothee Chalamet’s encounter with chlamyd-tree-a began on the eastern side of college walk. Tree sex at Columbia is lit.
BE SURE TO LIKE, COMMENT, AND
MASHA SOKOLOVA/STAFF ARTIST
By Baha Topbaş Move aside, Belle Delphine
The decreased number of students on campus due to the pandemic has put Alma Mater in a difficult situation financially. Before March 2020, her primary source of income was posing for photos with drunk freshmen on their way to their dorms from EC. Without the tips she relies on to survive, Alma Mater has now decided to join the gig economy. Being unable to serve as a ride-share or a food delivery driver, as she’s a bronze statue unable to move, Alma Mater decided to monetize her sexuality and launch an OnlyFans page. Here’s what she said in our interview:
By Lauren Unterburger
giving the fountains a much needed facelift
Between campus Christmas lights and virtual holiday concerts, Columbia University has been extra festive this holiday season. This Festival of Lights, CU took its Hanukkah Chutzpah to the next level, in an announcement made by President Bollinger earlier this month:
“Here at Columbia, we love Jews! We love Jews so much that we actively chose to remove the swastika drawn on Low Steps on October 9th, 2020, the swastika found on the 16th floor of East Campus mid-February 2020, and the swastika found on the 16th floor of East Campus the week of March 15, 2020.
Ah ha, but don’t worry about all that! By the way, we’re going to circumcise
the Penis fountains for Hanukkah. That makes up for everything, right???
TTYL XOXO, Prezbo”
The bris of the Penis Fountains in front of Low Library will be broadcasted virtually over Zoom, so you and your loved ones can join in the Hanukkah spirit. Roar-ee the Lion will be serving as the mohel, while wearing a spirityarmulke from the campus Bookstore. If you register in advance, Prezbo will personally send you a do-it-yourself circumcision kit, so that you can follow along at home.
“I must admit this wasn’t plan A for me. I actually started a podcast a couple months ago where I analyzed the 101 Dalmatians lore in-depth, with each episode dedicated to another dalmatian. However, I didn’t get as many Patreon subscribers as I wanted to, so I decided to give this OnlyFans thing a shot. I have a decent amount of subscribers, and I make custom videos as well. In fact, there’s this account called NotPrezBo that just requested a dozen small penis humiliation videos from me.”
Alma Mater has also announced that she has a 50 percent discount for those who found the owl under her skirt.
IZZY SNOW
Chickpea Pizza from March: Please Eat Me
By Matthew Nola and Nikhil Mehta
What hath Chef Mike wrought?
To whomever is reading this: I am a cold, soggy-ass, lonely fucking slice of chickpea pizza. I was “baked” on March 10th (originally frozen a year prior). I used to gleefully bask in the cozy warmth of the Ferris heating lamps, lying in a puddle of my own grease. I would watch sleep-deprived, hungover students wander in at 10:30 in the morning and stare at me in disgust before turning instead to munch on the dry, crumbly powdered eggs that Ferris is renowned for. “Please eat me,” I used to think as I watched all of the students walking past. But no one did. No one ever does. I have fucking chickpeas on me, for fuck’s sake.
My pepperoni-topped brothers and sisters have all been eaten, my broccoliadorned cousins all thrown into the trash. But now, I’m here. On March 13th, I was taken home by His Majesty Chef Mike for a possible lunch on his drive home, but, upon meeting his salivadrenched taste buds, I was woefully spat out. Here I reside, alone in Chef Mike’s apartment, forgotten under the fridge staring up at a hundred unclaimed bobbleheads. There’s no chance that I’ll be eaten now, with all of this mold growing on me. I just want Chef Mike to catch the scent of my putrid, rotting self and end my pathetic existence. I know I smell horrible, but that’s just how I’ve always been. Please.
To those who sympathize with my story: please share this with your friends and find me and eat me like I deserve.
By Mary Schauf Assistant Vice President of Public Safety
Morningside Heights: On Monday, March 10, 2021, at about 11:35 am, a Barnard Lesbian exiting the 114th Street Starbucks appeared to be using a Kanken backpack instead of a canvas tote. The suspect continued strolling north on Broadway,
suspiciously confident. Resident Girl in Red fan reports, “At first I thought my gaydar might be off and she was actually just straight, but then I saw her Chai Iced Latte. I mean, no straight woman EVER orders a Chai Iced Latte. But then again, what thumb ring-wearing, hair-gelled lesbian in her right mind wouldn’t use an eco-friendly yet fashionable canvas tote?” If you have
any information about this crime, or can identify the person shown below, please contact the NYPD 33 Pct. Detective Squad at (212) 9273780 or CUIMC Investigations at (212) 305-3493.
Please note: Clery Crime Alerts are distributed pursuant to Federal Law for specific crimes in defined locations. They do not present,
nor are they intended to present, a complete picture of the crime on campus.
If you have information pertaining to this investigation, please contact
Deidre Fuchs
Executive Director
of Investigations 212 854-2054
By Anonymous Death and Taxes
On Sunday night, the New York Times published more than two decades worth of Donald Trump’s tax returns, revealing that the president has paid as little as $750 in income tax in some years. When the news broke, PrezBo was on the fourth floor of his 116th street mansion, unpacking a suitcase full of items he brought with him to his summer home during quarantine. According to several anonymous sources (bored students in Wien Hall who were looking through the mansion’s window) the second the tax return story broke, PrezBo dashed to his computer, connected to his gigabit ethernet, and began to furiously read
the report.
When confronted about this strange behavior, PrezBo told the Fed: “I was eager to find out how Trump managed to pay only $750 in taxes in 2016. I’m still paying closer to $1,000 in income tax -- I had to learn his secrets!” PrezBo elaborated “Times are tough and every single dollar of my $3.93 million salary counts.”
Several sources told the Fed that PrezBo is considering turning the South Lawn into a golf course and then deducting the losses from that business venture from his income tax. He may also convert John Jay into a luxury hotel and start his own line of Ferris Booth steaks.
By Anonymous SPRING BREAK BABY!
Texas Senator Ted Cruz returned to Houston this week after he was caught abandoning the state amidst a deadly blizzard that has left thousands without power. Cruz, a notable Zodiac Killer impersonator who is a little too good at his job, told Federalist reporters he had a really really good reason for his vacation. (Our reporters would have written it down if they weren’t stressing about how Cruz was probably going to make a skin suit out of them.)
Cruz, realizing that it's a bad thing when your house is so cold there are icicles on the ceiling, quickly turned tail back to the States soon after he landed.
By Ref R. Tyrant Diamond Cutters
Yesterday, Governor Andrew Cuomo held a press conference to address a viral image that has recently been the subject of heated debate. The image in question shows Cuomo in a white polo shirt with his nipples standing to attention, causing many to speculate that his nipples are pierced. “I would just like to say, on the record, that my nipples are not pierced,” Gov. Cuomo stated. “All my aides—especially the attractive young women among them—can confirm. I’m just blessed with rock hard titties and I try my best to show them off, hence why I’m currently wearing a thin white shirt. I’d never want to deprive New York taxpayers of a glimpse of my majestic mammaries. Plus, I couldn’t help it even if I wanted to; with the air conditioning in this room, my teats could double as diamond cutters.” Reporters then questioned Cuomo about the ongoing sexual harassment and nursing home investigations against him, but the governor was already on his way out of the room.
KAT CHEN/GRAPHICS EDITOR
Despite only getting a one day trip to Cancun, inhabitants of the city noticed a rising and falling in the ground beneath them, as though Cancun itself exhaled a sigh of relief as Ted Cruz left the city. If you or a loved one are living inside an impromptu ice bar, or have a grievance to share with Senator Cruz, please submit to The Federalist. We are compiling a coded letter with cryptograms, clues, and ciphers to send to Cruz to see how he likes it.
By Gustie Owens Boss Prezbo
“The appearance of the law must be upheld— especially when it is being broken.”
Thought this was a murmuring about Columbia graduate students being evicted and losing their funding during a global pandemic? Common mistake, no, it’s classic Boss Tweed chit-chat.
“I don't care a straw for your newspaper articles, my constituents don't know how to read, but they can't help seeing them damned pictures.”
This is a tough one. Everyone gets confused and assumes it's a dean
unfazed by a long-form Spec exposé of a Columbia scandal, but quaking at memes in Columbia Buy/Sell. But yet indeed, another Boss Tweed. Thank god we at The Federalist steal our damned pictures from the internet without correctly copyrighting them, because that’s how we take ’em down!
“The way to have power is to take it.”
Thought the “it” was Columbia housing for undergraduates? Unfortunately this was not whispered sultrily to Jean in PrezBo’s charming mansion overlooking Harlem; it is once again a Boss Tweed nattering.
“The looter goes in for himself
alone without considerin' his organization or his city. The politician looks after his own interests, the organization's interests, and the city's interests all at the same time.”
Thought the “looter” was a university charging full tuition for Zoom courses and snatching up all of Harlem? Think again— this is actually a quote from George Washington Plunkitt of Tammany Hall! If you look closely, you’ll see that it definitely does not refer to the Columbia administration, which acts in literally no one’s interest— not the students’, and certainly not the city’s— except for its own.
“Next season is looking very promising for us,”
By Nurasyl Shokeyev Devil's Advocate
BAKER ATHLETICS COMPLEX–
Coming off of a season spoiled by the global pandemic, universities are having to make some very tough decisions about the way in which college sports are to be conducted this year to ensure the safety of players and financial departments. Although many questions remain unanswered, such as “should competitive smoking count as a PE requirement?” and “in what parallel dimension can you possibly find the Dodge pool?”, it is clear to everyone involved that intercollegiate competitions simply cannot take place in the Fall semester.
While this is hugely disappointing news to thousands of varsity athletes around the country, our Columbia Lions can breathe a deep sigh of relief, even elation. “This might well be our best season ever!” commented Line Becker, the Head Coach of the Columbia football team, “We will not lose a single game! When has that ever happened?”
When asked about how he is planning on enforcing the COVID-19 health guidelines, such as the 6-foot social distancing rule, he admitted that those might be difficult to enforce, as the players “just cannot stop chest bumping each other” and “might have to pass the ball farther than 3-feet away from them.”
As of press time, it was reported that
the squash team has asked the New York state prison if they can use its solitary confinement chambers as temporary
By Annie Iezzi & Julia Schreder
COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY: On March 31, 2021, Columbia University Athletics Director Peter Piling announced that the Men’s Lightweight Rowing Team will be disbanded in order to save the University money. The diverted funds will be used to build more tents on campus.
In a leaked email Bcc’d to rowing team alumni, Piling explained his decisionmaking process. Bollinger gave him an ultimatum: dip into the University’s quickly diminishing tent funds to hire tutors for the rowing team, or use the rowing team’s funds to augment the campus’s tent selection.
Forced to choose between repairing the supple, virgin-white flaps of Columbia’s many tents and raising the university’s overall GPA, Piling chose the more attainable option. “If they couldn’t learn how to read at Exeter, I doubt a tutor can help them now. I decided that, for once, the athletics department should do something for Columbia that its students will actually enjoy.”
The shoddy drawstrings, shrinking T-shirts, and flaccid koozies usually
distributed to sports event attendees never reach the rowing team’s fans for one reason: they have none. This year, Piling is determined to make this fact up to the students by covering every available surface on the Columbia campus with canvas structures.
The first rowing-funded tent to be erected will shade the head of our esteemed Alma Mater as she gazes out at a sea of tents covering her domain. Alma’s installation will be followed by
tents to shield wandering eyes from the sensual Pan sculpture that adorns the lawn of Lewisohn Hall. Lower on the list of priorities will be a delicate pairing of tents to protect the foreskin draped across Low Beach’s fountains from sunburn. In lieu of usual tented festivities, each graduating senior will be mailed an individual tent to take photos with during Commencement.
Ira Katznelson, in an email to the student body, indicated that the
inflatable rat outside the 116th Street gates will receive its own personal tent, while striking grad students will not be allowed to enter any of the tents.
Finally, the university will erect a tent on top of Barnard’s Butterfield Lawn Tent.
As graduation nears, students are used to the sudden appearance of carnival pavilions sprawled across the lawns that are finally warm enough to sit on. Contrary to popular belief, the tents that sprang up in October of this year were assembled in preparation for an unseasonably early graduation, not the coronavirus pandemic.
Despite the University-wide announcement that graduation will be held online, Columbia wanted to give its students that warm, fuzzy feeling of retreating to Low’s uppermost step once the entire sodded lawn has been brutally ripped from its base.
In an act of goodwill, Piling has ensured that no tent will be erected in front of Schermerhorn Hall so that the women’s rowing team can take over the inexplicable tradition of lugging ergs out in front of an academic building at six in the morning.
By Joey Baer
Assistant Pledge Master
THUNDER BAY, ONTARIO—
Curling fans from St. John’s to Nanaimo are bracing for what might be the most disastrous curling season since Broomgate. This time it's not IcePad that threatens the roaring game, but rather the global pandemic known as COVID-19. With the coronavirus raging across the globe, the likelihood of a complete season—or even a local bonspiel—seems increasingly unlikely. The Federalist is monitoring the curling season and is here to give you the details, hog line to hog line.
The World Curling Federation’s season is already off to a rocky start. The World Mixed Championship in Aberdeen, Scotland was cancelled two months before it was scheduled to begin. In an official statement, World Curling Federation President Kate Caithness stated, “Unfortunately, with the continuing spread of the virus and the restrictions it has placed on international travel, safely bringing athletes and staff to the championship is simply not feasible at this time.”
The announcement followed the cancellation of most qualifying matches by national member bodies.
With the cancellation of mixed events already permeating throughout the world, fans everywhere are left wondering how this will affect the world men’s and women’s championship. Both those events, slated for next spring, are still on the calendar as of now. We know curling fans around the world (including us here at the Fed) are praying for the arrival of a vaccine to ensure the return of the world men’s and women’s championship this spring.
As with curling across the world, Curling Canada has seen major impacts to its schedule already. Both mixed and club curling championships, slated for November, have been cancelled by the
body. “We all know the reality of our situation and it goes beyond sports,” said Katherine Henderson, Curling Canada’s CEO. “Our primary goal and responsibility, always, is to keep
goliaths of curling, Scotties Tournament of Hearts and the Tim Hortons Brier. As of now both are slated to happen, but the Scotties, which is scheduled for February may be in jeopardy if
MEL WANG/STAFF ARTIST
its season until spring of 2021. The Princess Auto Player’s Championship and the Humphrey’s Championship will be played but the Canadian Beef Masters, the Tour Challenge, the Boost
athletes and volunteers safe and it was determined that without any kind of clarity about what the situation will look like in the late fall when these events were scheduled, we couldn’t responsibly go further in the planning process.”
Also on the chopping block is the 2020 Home Hardware Canada Cup, planned for early november in New Brunswick’s celestial city, Fredericton. As followers of curling know, the Canada Cup is the major qualifier for Tim Hortons’ Roar of the Rings, the qualifying tournament that determines who will represent the maple leaf nation in Beijing. Curling Canada has announced that they will look to reschedule the event when they can assure the safety of all players and fans.
Of course, this all brings into question what will happen with the two
momentum isn’t made on finding a vaccine. Last year, hundreds were glued to their TVs as they watched Kerri Einarson, the most interesting thing to come out of Gimli since the Gimli Glider, take it all over inevitable hall of famer Rachel Homan in a nail-biting 8-to-7 win. What will happen this year to Manitobia’s favorite daughter may be left on the ice until 2022. As for the Tim Hortons Brier, the event is holding fast to its March start date, that date is contingent on many factors that are out of Curling Canada’s control.
The World Curling Tour is also facing an existential crisis. The big news of the WCT comes out of the flagship circuit, The Grand Slam of Curling. The Grand Slam announced last month that it will cut 4 of its events and postponed
National and the Meridian Open will not be underway until the 2021-2022 season. This also means a scrubbing of the planned American launch of the GSoC events. This matches cancellations of the smaller events across the WCT. For many athletes, the big purses at the GSoC and the WCT in general are a large source of income. Many in the curling world question if the sport will be able to maintain its level of competition with the athletes facing possible financial issues. With many of us feeling like a stone knocked straight out of the house (and into our homes), we hope and pray for a speedy end to this nightmare. In the meantime, the ice will be left unswept, the stone unthrown, and the teams unskipped. Until a day comes that will deliver us from the darkness, and bring us back to the greatest game on ice.
Of senior wisdom I have little, Senior wise-cracks I have a lot, But the knowledge I impart is that at Columbia you should not:
Walk across campus barefoot, To save your leather pumps from the rain; Don’t beg help with your dorm’s roach infestation, Don’t drunkenly hold the doors of the train.
Don’t take that giant lecture, That everyone complains about; Especially at 8:40 in the morning, It’s just not worth the clout.
Don’t expect your peers know more than you, Because they want to “piggyback off that thought…” Though it may be true if they went to private school, Seeing as you did not.
Don’t only study in Butler, And don’t pass up free snacks, Don’t not explore the tunnels, Don’t cancel your date in the stacks ;)
Don’t pigeonhole your interests, And don’t side with the administration, Don’t ignore the plights of your peers, Don’t write your thesis over spring vacation.
Don’t give into imposter syndrome, Don’t sleep in your roommate’s bed, Don’t you regret that Barnard Chop, And, for the love of god, don’t ever leave The Fed.
Top life hacks I’ve learned at this school:
- Get the ferris grilled cheese on Wednesdays
- Go to Oscar night at JJ’s
- Columbia campus is a difficult place to wear heels
- All frat parties are the same, if you go to one you’ve been to them all
- 1020 trivia night.
- Best classrooms for studying are in NoCo
- Grades don’t matter, memories do
- Leave the Columbia campus!! Concerts, parks, clubs, museums, great food this city is amazing and it all awaits you!
Most importantly,
- Live, laugh, love
- Xoxo love you betches :P
And JOIN THE FED
Don’t take anything too seriously. If there is anything I’ve learned in my four years at Columbia it's that. Columbia is a wild place. People say things that make you question how they got into Columbia. The administration will do things that make you wonder why Columbia hasn’t just slid into the Hudson yet. When faced with such utter madness, I am always confused why people respond with seriousness. This school is crazy. Be crazy. Have fun. Make fun of everything. Get drunk on a tuesday. Go to lecture in a bathrobe. At the end of the day as long as the work gets done, and believe you me, the work always gets done, then who cares what you do with the rest of your time? You don’t want to wake up one day and have prezbo (or a cardboard cut out of prezbo) hand you a diploma and realize that you spent your whole college career pushing paper for some club you didn’t even really like instead of having fun. But, no matter how bad it gets here, just remember, you could always go to school in Ithaca. Roar, lion, roar!