Chasing Clarity

CHASING CLARITY TIPS: BREAKING

c i x To love

FREE FROM

Adult Children of toxic parents

CAN YOU BE

ACCIDENTALLY

TOXIC?

Exclusive INTERVIEW with Marc Mero

From Wrestling Rings to Inspirational Stages VOLUME 3 - SUMMER 2024

&Heal

Hydrate

The Ultimate Detox Water Recipe

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Dear Readers,

Welcome back to Chasing Clarity Magazine!

For our Summer Edition, we are diving into the complex world of all things toxic. Why is this topic so crucial? Because to lead a healthier life, we must address, examine, and acknowledge the toxic elements around us and within us. Who doesn’t want to live a healthier, more fulfilling life?

Recognizing and addressing toxic behaviors, whether they stem from ourselves, our loved ones, or even our bosses, is essential. By shedding light on these issues, we empower ourselves to break free from toxic patterns and reach our full potential.

At Chasing Clarity, we pride ourselves on discussing “tough topics” and not shying away from sharing our personal experiences. Whether you're grappling with toxic behaviors in your own life or witnessing them in others, our magazine is a safe space to explore, learn, and grow together.

Self-exploration and growth are key components of breaking free from toxic cycles. Speaking from personal experience, I've found myself in toxic situations where it wasn't always clear what was happening until I stepped back and gained perspective. That’s why I’m so passionate about providing our readers with the tools and insights they need to recognize and navigate toxic relationships effectively. Whether you’re a new reader or a loyal follower, we're thrilled to have you join us on this journey!

So grab a copy, dive in, and don't hesitate to share with friends and family. Together, let’s chase clarity and break free from toxic patterns once and for all!

Wi Love, Joann “ JoJo” Venant

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Table of Contents Chasing Clarity

05

TOXIC MASCULINITY What Exactly Is Toxic Masculinity?

07

4 TYPES OF TOXIC FRIENDS

Distinguish between emotionally unsafe and emotionally intelligent friends.

11

CHURCH HURT

"I trust God, but I don't trust His community,"

15

TOXIC BOSSES

Surviving Toxic Bosses: Real Stories and Smart Solutions

17

TOXIC LOVE Tips for Breaking Free from Toxic Love

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21

TOXIC BEHAVIOR

The DARVO Technique for Avoiding Personal Accountability

23

TOXIC FAMILY RELATIONS Research suggests that "toxic" people may be suffering from mental illness.

27

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES Strategies for changing old, unhealthy patterns.

31

CAN YOU BE ACCIDENTALLY TOXIC?

How to spot and neutralize toxic positivity.

33

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: MARC MERO

From Wrestling Rings to Inspirational Stages: Marc Mero's Journey of Redemption.

PAGE 04 | Chasing Clarity

TOXIC

MASCULINITY PJ Henry is a social psychologist who studies gender expectations as a central, guiding belief system that informs an impressive range of political and social attitudes. He holds his PhD in social psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles. He is currently an associate professor of psychology at NYU Abu Dhabi, and runs a blog on Psychology Today titled The Gender Revolution.

Follow him on Twitter @pjhenryNY.

What Exactly Is Toxic Masculinity?

Toxic masculinity may hinge on devaluing femininity.

The concept of toxic masculinity has received considerable attention in the past few years following the #Me-Too movement and various exposés of bro cultures, notably in the tech industry. But what exactly is toxic masculinity? The concept seems challenging to define, but much like the Supreme Court definition of hard-core pornography, you probably know it when you see it. There are many attempts at definitions, but they are typically overcomplicated or fall short of grasping the essence of toxic masculinity.

When identifying the existence of a concept such as toxic masculinity, there are both necessary and sufficient conditions for its occurrence. A necessary condition, such as the expression of masculinity, must be present in all instances of toxic masculinity. However, masculinity is not sufficient by itself to be considered toxic. Masculinity can be positive when it is expressed by either men or women in the form of strength, ambition, courage, leadership, and self-reliance. There needs to be something more to the mix to make it toxic.

"Masculinity can be positive when it is expressed by either men or women in the form of strength, ambition, courage, leadership, and self-reliance" A sufficient condition of toxic masculinity, such as hazing or sexual harassment, is enough to classify masculinity as toxic. However, these conditions are not necessary. A culture can have toxic masculinity without hazing or sexual harassment, such as a workplace that expects you to put your job above everything else in your life. It still leaves open the question of what puts the toxic in toxic masculinity.

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TOXIC

MASCULINITY Others have offered more complicated definitions that really just enumerate its symptoms. For example, social scientists have characterized toxic masculinity cultures in the workplace – which they call “masculinity contest cultures” – as having four qualities.

Employees are expected to (1) show no weakness or vulnerability, (2) display strength and stamina, (3) prioritize work over personal interests and family obligations, and (4) accept a “dog eat dog” competitive environment of winners and losers. Another article in the New York Times identifies toxic masculinity through “suppressing emotions or masking distress,” “maintaining an appearance of hardness,” and “violence as an indicator of power.”

These descriptions are helpful, but the definition of toxic masculinity can be much simpler. My definition identifies a necessary and sufficient condition for a culture of toxic masculinity, and that is simply any context that devalues the positive aspects of femininity.

Toxic masculinity and bro cultures exist where people – mostly men, but not exclusively so – dismiss or punish feminine qualities of care, warmth, empathy, diplomacy, sensitivity, mutual respect, etc. I challenge anyone to find a culture of toxic masculinity that embraces these feminine characteristics. Further, I challenge anyone to find a group of men or women who reject positive aspects of femininity who would not also be considered toxic by most.

Nailing down a clear and simple definition of toxic masculinity is important for making sure we’re all talking about the same thing when addressing the problem, but it also helps identify ways to address toxic masculinity where it occurs. For example, interventions can include injecting reminders of the importance of care, inclusion, and empathy. A workplace can still be competitive and avoid toxicity by cultivating more feminine qualities such as a sense of teamwork and the promotion of mental health.

The great challenge then will be encouraging men who are sources of toxic masculinity to embrace those positive aspects of femininity described above. It’s resistance to this femininity, and not masculinity by itself, that should be the focus of concern in changing cultures of toxic masculinity.

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4

Types of

TOXICFriends Distinguish between emotionally unsafe and emotionally intelligent friends.

It is devastating when a trusted friend turns out to be untrustworthy and underhanded. Often you want to see only the good in them, so it may be easy to blame yourself rather than accept that they may be a problem. In addition, the fear of losing mutual friends because of “bad blood” with this person may be paralyzing. However, knowing the type of friend you are dealing with is critical. By recognizing four types of emotionally unsafe friends, you may be able to differentiate a dysfunctional friend from the emotionally intelligent.

1.

The Pot Stirrer: This is a new friend

who you feel safe confiding in, so you ask this friend for advice about a relationship in your life that is a struggle. They seem to listen attentively and offer sound advice. However, one day, behind your back and without asking you, they seek out the third party and tell them everything you said.

Shocked, you feel like the disloyal friend because you were talking about another person, but you expected it to be a safe and private conversation. The goal was not to gossip but to process confusing interactions and to get advice on what to do. Instead, everything you say is distorted and told to the person without your permission. Now, major drama ensues, and your anxiety skyrockets.

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Panicked and distraught, you attempt to clarify what transpired, yet it seems useless. News of the skewed conversation spreads like wildfire, and intentionally or not, the pot stirrer successfully frames you as a “bad friend.” The clincher may be the satisfaction they seem to derive from the drama and their ability to be in the middle of it. It appears they get satisfaction out of continually pointing the finger at you.

2.

The Faker: This friend is extremely

nice and kind to your face. However, you discover this friend disparages you behind the scenes and to multiple groups of people. They publicly skewer your character and attempt to tarnish your reputation.

continued ->

A tell-tale sign of a faker is their steadfast denial that they said anything “bad” about you. It doesn’t matter how much evidence you bring forward; they will claim absolute innocence and then act victimized by your confrontation. Other friends in the group will often rush to comfort them. It is painfully ironic that the toxic friend quickly flips the script and frames you as the “toxic” one.

They also camouflage degrading remarks by packaging them as compliments or jokes. For example, “You are good at putting together these proposals… I just wish they were more professional. We aren’t in kindergarten anymore, Alex. Hahaha.” Although camouflaged as a complement and/or joke, this sentiment is actually incredibly demeaning.

4.

The Victim: This friend rarely takes

full responsibility for a hurtful and selfish act in the friendship and, instead, instantaneously uses hardship to excuse their “dirty deed.” For example, Anne promises Brynn will pick her up on the way to tennis tryouts. She insists on taking Brynn’s tennis shoes home with her because she has specific laces she wants Brynn to wear to show team spirit. Brynn is confused about the shoes but doesn’t want to hurt Anne’s feelings and is grateful for her kindness.

“ ”

Yet, Anne is absent and unreachable when it is time to leave for the tryouts. Distraught and panicked, Brynn calls her mom. Brynn’s mom rushes home from work to take her. Brynn walks onto the court, panicked and 25 minutes late.

News of the skewed conversation spreads like wildfire, and intentionally or not, the pot stirrer successfully frames you as a “bad friend.”

3.

The Hero: This person believes that

their value set, opinions, and beliefs are far superior to anyone else’s.

Initially, you may view this person as confident, yet, as you get to know them, you may realize they are fairly self-righteous. A strong sign may be when this person immediately devalues and dismisses you for offering an idea or perspective that differs from theirs. Instead of considering an alternate viewpoint, they instantly condemn you for thinking differently.

A classic trait of the hero is their compulsion to swoop in and “save the day.” They believe that they know best and that everyone should listen to them. This allows them to take control of situations in the friend group. Often, they dominate the social landscape, and if you dare speak up and identify a different viewpoint, they tend to shut you down and exclude you from the group abruptly.

She is forced to wear old running shoes because her new tennis shoes are with Anne. After the last match, Anne approaches Brynn and says very loudly,

"I am so sorry, Brynn. My dad got a flat tire last night, so I had to take my mom’s car. It was crazy. I was so nervous when I remembered it was a stick shift. I thought I was going to throw up. I had to focus on my breathing and grounding exercises the entire way. I was so afraid I was going to crash. I cannot believe I made it".

The entire team hears Anne’s story and provides her with empathy and support. They relay that they are relieved she made it safely to the tryouts. They also ask if her dad is okay. Brynn lingers in the backdrop, confused as to whether Anne is being truthful or not. Nonetheless, it should not have been too difficult for Anne to text and advise her to get her own ride. Brynn wonders how Anne could be so hurtful and then act as though she is the victim.

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“Your emotionally intelligent friends are not perfect by any stretch, but they typically strive to understand you truly, are open to your viewpoint, exhibit self-awareness, and maintain your confidence.”

It may be necessary to create two categories for friends. One is the emotionally intelligent friends.

These people usually reciprocate empathy, are conscientious, do not attempt to sabotage or disparage your reputation, and are trustworthy.

Two is the emotionally unintelligent individuals like the four types identified above. These are the companions that may not be emotionally safe.

Alternatively, your emotionally unintelligent friends may be fun but belong in the pal, buddy, and chum category. Have a blast with them but maintain a safe emotional distance by refraining from opening up, sacrificing aspects of your life for them, and depending on them for important things. Rely on your true blue and empathic friends for the meaningful and the difficult experiences in your life.

Discerning between these two classifications of friends lets you know who to open up to and with whom to simply have a good time. Your emotionally intelligent friends are not perfect by any stretch, but they typically strive to understand you truly, are open to your viewpoint, exhibit self-awareness, and maintain your confidence. Also, they rarely take advantage of your kindness and happily return a favor.

BIO: Erin Leonard, PhD, LCSW, is a psychotherapist with 25 years of experience, currently practicing at Recore Counseling in Indiana. She treats clients with narcissistic abuse, anxiety, trauma, and toxic relationships. Dr. Leonard earned her master's from the University of Michigan and her doctorate from ICSW in Chicago. She has appeared on WGN and FOX affiliates, contributed to national publications, and authored "Emotional Terrorism" and "Loving Well," the latter winning a bronze Living Now Award. Named a worldwide leader in healthcare in 2018, she writes for Psychology Today and has a popular TikTok platform with over 91.7 million views. She treasures her role as a mom to twins and enjoys her rescue dogs, Andre and Lucky.

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*DISCLAIMER: This article may be triggering for those who have experienced or are experiencing pain in a church setting. If this topic resonates deeply and feels overwhelming, please refrain from reading further.

However, I assure you, this story is shared to convey a message of hope and healing.

My love for God is unwavering.

Indeed, I love God, and He loves me in return. Despite my imperfections, His love remains steadfast. He doesn't love me for my abilities, talents, or virtues; He loves me simply because He does.

This profound love was reaffirmed for me this past Sunday. As the worship team sang "Trust in God" by Elevation Worship, I felt a lump in my throat. The word "trust" struck a deep chord within me. Had someone told me two years ago that I would be sitting in the front row of a church that feels like home, surrounded by my family and amazing friends, worshiping wholeheartedly, I would have thought them to be mad. It was just over a year ago that I wrestled with the internal pull to return to a church community.

"I trust God, but I don't trust His community," I confessed to my friend and fellow therapist, Maria. She gently responded, "I understand what you mean." I stood at a crossroads: follow God's nudge to return to a community or continue to isolate myself.

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I found comfort in online services or occasionally visiting a friend's church—there were no strings attached, and it felt emotionally safe. Yet, I recognized the concerns of our friends and family. I also knew God was guiding us to a very specific place. The thought of starting over in a new church made me want to retreat and scream "NO." It may sound juvenile, but I can accept that. Through self-reflection, I realized it was my younger, 25-year-old self internally protesting. She had been wounded, and the healing process had been long and arduous.

For context, I have been immersed in church life since the age of 5. Church was a place of connection, joy, and fun. My home church in Virginia was multicultural, providing support even through my rebellious teenage years. At 15, my family moved to Orlando, Florida. Leaving behind my home, my church, my friends, and so much more was my first heartbreak.

The transition was challenging, but it ultimately proved to be the best decision for my life. My mother discovered a small "Spanish" church and insisted we attend. Despite my initial resistance, I gradually found my community, my friends, and eventually my husband. It was in this church that I delivered my first sermon and recognized a special calling on my life. My senior pastor spoke words of life over me and demonstrated love and grace through some of my family's darkest moments.

One of my greatest regrets was becoming as toxic as they were.

At 25, newly married, and grappling with my mother’s mental health issues, I sought acceptance and approval by agreeing to change churches. My first mistake was that we did not pray or seek wise counsel in this decision. I quickly realized that I did not fit into the normative church environment. At the first inaugural service, I arrived wearing dressy Bermuda shorts, and heels, and my girlfriends were in ripped jeans. We were surrounded by suits, dresses, and skirts, sticking out like sore thumbs. This stark contrast to the church I grew up in would persist for many years.

Fast forward to when I had been in attendance for quite some time. The clothing issue was a constant battle, exacerbated when a guest evangelist's periodic visits. I often felt targeted by their words, chastised for having a Myspace account and subjected to disdainful glances and passive-aggressive criticism about my attire. I would feel a sense of dread whenever I heard this woman's name.

The psychological abuse began to affect me even when this individual was not present. I can still see myself one Sunday, sitting on the edge of my bed, paralyzed by fear, tears rolling down my face. My spouse was nearby, frustrated by the anguish I was experiencing. And do you know what the trigger was? The fear of picking an outfit because this guest evangelist was visiting again. I had given this person so much unspoken power over my life that I allowed myself to shrink into a puddle of fear over clothing. I didn’t recognize myself. I am known to be of “strong character,” but the level of toxicity I was experiencing left me emotionally exhausted. She was only one of my sources of anguish.

Long before this individual entered my life, I faced similar torment from other active leaders in that church. I was ridiculed for not being "Spanish" enough, mocked, and alienated as punishment when I dared to speak up.

One leader sarcastically remarked that all I knew how to cook were frozen dinners. I was criticized for how I sat in the front row and labeled difficult whenever I expressed an opinion contrary to theirs. The most hurtful comment was about our desire to start a family. Due to unhealthy dynamics with my family, I had established boundaries to maintain my peace of mind. However, my decision to uphold these boundaries was interpreted as a failure to "honor" my parents, and I was told this was why I hadn’t conceived a child with my husband. Was God punishing me for having healthy boundaries? These words led to many tears and countless conversations with God.

Regrettably, I became a reflection of what I was exposed to. I became reactive and harsh, mirroring their behavior. My reactivity only fueled further targeting, creating a vicious cycle. One of my greatest regrets was becoming as toxic as they were. I want to take a moment to say, if my reactivity ever caused you pain, I am deeply sorry. I was already burdened by family traumas, and this toxicity intensified my feelings of rejection and abandonment. Despite this, it does not excuse my behavior, and I fervently wish I had left sooner.

Amid my internal turmoil and depression, God was my saving grace. On nights without service, I sought solace at a friend's church. They welcomed me with open arms, spiritually nurturing me. My husband pursued his theological certificate at their university. It was during these visits that I discovered my gifts, talents, and the power of intercessory prayer. I kept these visits a secret, fearing reprimand. Concurrently, I began therapy as my anxiety had escalated to the point where I was picking at my skin and scalp. It was a combination of Jesus and weekly therapy that sustained me.

I vividly recall sinking into my therapist's couch and declaring, "It’s me, I am the problem." She chuckled before offering an empathetic yet firm challenge to my unhealthy mindset. As a minister and therapist, she asked, "What does the Bible say is your true identity?

What evidence supports that the words spoken over or about you are aligned with God's truth over your life?"

She pushed me into the Word, and today I am a therapist because of her influence. She believed God had greater plans for me, understood why I felt stuck, and encouraged me to move forward.

I wish I could say everything improved immediately.

While there were healthier moments, another wave of toxicity, including gossip, weaponized fasting, and further conflicts, made it clear we needed to leave. This decision brought alienation and pain, especially for my husband. The paradox of how difficult it was and how liberated I felt has always stayed with me. Healing and forgiveness took time and therapy.

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Reading my story, you might wonder, "Why did you stay?" or "Why do people tolerate this?" "Why not just leave?"

There are multiple reasons:

1.

Familiarity

2.

Cultural Norms

3.

4.

Questions often arise: Why does God allow this? Why permit pain in a place meant for healing? If you have been hurt, know that your experience does not reflect the God of the Bible. The Bible describes God as a loving father who cares for us tenderly (Psalm 68:5, Isaiah 64:8). He desires for you to flourish. Learning God's word should exemplify His love, grace, mercy, and justice.

Knowledge should never cause harm. Such levels of toxicity indicate leadership deficiencies, unresolved hurt projected onto others, and a lack of healthy intimacy with God. As stated in "The Genius of Jesus" (McManus, 2021, p. 75):

We can become conditioned to accept unhealthy and unbiblical "To know God, or his mind, was never intended to be about information, behaviors as normal. but about intimacy. It’s about finding a depth of love that produces compassion, kindness, and the genius of empathy."

Recognizing this helped me shift from blaming God to leaning into God for healing.

Minority cultures often normalize unhealthy forms of reprimand, If you have been hurt, there is hope, peace, and healing. The first step is influencing sermons, leadership, recognizing your emotions. We cannot move past what we cannot name. and discipline. Once we identify our emotions, we can begin forgiving those who wounded us. Forgiveness, demonstrated even from the cross, is a decision to not let our emotions dictate our behaviors and thoughts. It is a process and a Lack of Emotional Intelligence conscious choice to move forward. A great resource is "Forgiveness is a A lack of self-awareness and Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope" emotional intelligence (EQ) can by Robert Enright. Seek counseling to help navigate healing because lead to overlooking signs of healing is possible. You can live the restored life God truly intended for you.

If you need extra help on this journey, find a Christian therapist and process abuse. it in a safe space.

Hold onto the promise from this scripture: “After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, Some view God as an angry, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you” (1 Peter 5:10, condemning deity, with fear ESV). What a magnificent promise! After every hurt, disappointment, and tactics stunting critical thinking pain, He can give us strength and restore us. There is hope. and biblical development.

As for me, I am walking in my Kingdom Girl era. What does that mean? It means embracing my healing, faith, and values while confidently stepping into the purpose God has for me. The bonus: I can worship in jeans and Nike People-Pleasing Pandas, speak Spanglish freely, and, most importantly, feel heard, seen, and A desire for love and acceptance safe. can lead to remaining in toxic relationships, sacrificing personal Suely Rivera, the owner and lead therapist of needs.

In Bloom Counseling and Wellness, LLC, holds a Masters in Science in Counseling The emotional complexity of toxicity within Psychology from Palm Beach Atlantic a religious community can be traumatizing, University. She is a licensed Mental Health disappointing, and confusing. Many choose Counselor and a Certified Life Coach. Suely is never to return to such settings or abandon trained in EMDR for trauma, as well as in their faith entirely. As the Church, we must Emotion-Focused Therapy for couples, recognize signs of pride, offense, and Gottman Level 1 (for couples), and is a narcissistic behaviors that undermine the Prepare-Enriched facilitator. She also emotional well-being of the congregation. incorporates expressive writing and art (I will delve deeper into this in the next techniques in her sessions. edition of Chasing Clarity.)

Fear

5.

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"Be in love with your life. Every minute of it."- Jack Kerouac

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SURVIVING TOXIC BOSSES Real Stories and Smart Solutions

Imagine waking up every morning with a sense of doom, knowing you’re about to face another day with a toxic boss. The anxiety builds as you step into the office, bracing yourself for the onslaught of unrealistic expectations and demeaning behavior directed towards you. You're at a point where your sleep is affected, you have a stomachache every day, and you hate your job! You're constantly trying to prove yourself, getting to work early, staying late, and taking on more work than you can handle. Yet, despite all your efforts, you cannot earn your boss’s approval.

Unfortunately, this scenario is all too familiar for many individuals in the workforce. In this article, I will discuss the prevalence of toxic bosses, share personal anecdotes, delve into mental health implications, and provide practical strategies for coping and reclaiming your self-esteem and positive mental attitude.

‘

‘

A Harris Poll conducted in 2023 among 1,233 United States employees revealed alarming findings: “Many American employers display harmful behaviors such as setting unreasonable expectations (51%), micromanaging (49%), and credit-stealing (48%). A staggering 53% of American employees confess to working on weekends, holidays, or days off because of their bosses. The issue is pervasive, with over two-thirds of American workers having experienced a toxic boss, and 31% currently working under one.”

Additionally, 73% stated they struggle with anxiety on weekends as they anticipate returning to work on Mondays, while 41% seek therapy due to their boss's toxic behavior.

Spending so much time in a dysfunctional work environment, navigating daily hurtful interactions, is bound to have an emotional effect on your mental health if left unresolved.

These findings encapsulate what many of us endure day in and day out in our interactions with toxic bosses. When you consider that we spend more time at work than anywhere else, the toll of a toxic boss becomes evident.

Spending so much time in a dysfunctional work environment, navigating daily hurtful interactions, is bound to have an emotional effect on your mental health if left unresolved.

Here are some examples of toxic boss behavior, drawn from my own experiences. I've held numerous jobs throughout my life, accumulating over 45 years of work history.

While I'm not proud to admit it, much of my life was consumed by a strong work ethic until I achieved a healthier work/life balance.

One environment where toxic bosses thrive is in the realm of personal assistants. I worked as a personal assistant for a female business owner, initially hired for administrative tasks, but the role quickly morphed. She would unexpectedly leave her child with me for hours, and I found myself doing everything from housecleaning to listening to her unethical schemes.

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I was even humiliated in front of her friends.

When I decided to leave, she resorted to begging before resorting to anger and threats, claiming she'd never let me work for anyone else.

I also worked for a male boss who sold gold and fine jewelry at trade shows to major retailers.

Naive and lacking boundaries, I worked grueling 15-hour days for years. Any attempt to take time off was met with accusations of laziness.

Instead of proper wages, I was often offered jewelry. Feeling indebted, I found myself entangled in an unhealthy relationship where I felt obligated to him. It wasn't until I distanced myself that I recognized the manipulation and control.

My final story involves a boss who was a relentless screamer. I worked in Human Resources for a start-up Professional Employer Organization, which quickly turned into a nightmare. The CEO was having an affair with his secretary, who acted as if she owned the place. My direct supervisor was a bully who would berate employees in the middle of the office and occasionally showed up drunk.

Lawsuits ensued due to their outrageous behavior, and I ultimately left the company, which soon went bankrupt.

As you read these stories, you likely have your own experiences that may surpass mine in severity. However, take a moment to assess your mental health and how you're dealing with your toxic boss. Often, we become so consumed with our job performance that we overlook the toll it takes on our mental well-being. If you find yourself numbing out at home, feeling irritable, or withdrawing from loved ones, it's crucial to evaluate how you're managing interactions with your toxic boss.

If you're unsure, consider taking a free online screening at

https://screening.mhanational.org for anxiety and/or depression. It can provide a baseline and guide you on seeking help if needed.

“a boundary is not a request but a non-negotiable stance on how you will be treated.”

The most powerful tool you have to cope and reclaim your self-esteem is setting boundaries. Make a list of the boundaries necessary to change your interactions with your toxic boss. Remember, a boundary is not a request but a non-negotiable stance on how you will be treated. It won't be easy, especially with a toxic boss, but establishing boundaries prevents you from being on the receiving end of abuse.

Additionally, consider personal boundaries, such as separating your personal and work life and learning to assertively stand up for yourself when disrespected.

In conclusion, I highly recommend reading the book, boundaries at Work: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Work Life, by Dr. Henry Cloud, to learn more about boundaries and regain balance and healthy self-esteem in navigating challenges with a toxic boss. Leaving your job is always an option, but it's not a quick or easy process. Take time to care for yourself and consider seeking the support of a mental health therapist to process and heal from the challenges of having a toxic boss. Remember, you are worth prioritizing your well-being to live your best life!

Maria Fernandez is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist who specializes in working with adults who struggle with trauma, anxiety, depression, marital conflicts, and loss. Maria provides various trauma-informed and integrative modalities to adapt to the needs of her clients. She has a history of providing pastoral care in the Christian faith community and is fully bilingual in English and Spanish.

Life Strategies Counseling LLC Business Cell: 407-738-0955 Email: MariaLSCC@outlook.com PAGE 16 | Chasing Clarity

Tips for

BREAKING FREE from TOXIC LOVE

It is hard to walk away from toxic relationships. Why do we hold on to them? There is no single answer.

Humans are creatures of habit, often finding comfort in discomfort. Unfortunately, those who come from dysfunctional family dynamics are likely to repeat this dysfunction in their own families and romantic relationships.

So, how can you walk away from someone you love so passionately, with whom you've invested so much time and effort, and shared so many experiences?

Walking away is not easy, but if you want to break unhealthy relationship patterns from your past, tough decisions are necessary.

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Here are three tips to help you move forward like an adult, without lingering in unnecessary heartache:

1

Identify if the relationship has run its course or if it is simply going through a rough patch.

Take inventory of the good, the bad, and the ugly.

An example of a red flag in an unhealthy relationship is keeping secrets from others or within the relationship itself. Privacy is important in a marriage to protect the integrity of your union, but secrecy stems from: • Embarrassment • Fear others will dislike your partner • Fear of repercussions • Or all of the above People often stay in toxic relationships because it’s "not that bad," "they don’t physically hurt me," or "they have good intentions." But are these reasons to stay with someone who is not contributing, fulfilling, or adding value to your life?

2

Have the courage to say “enough is enough.”

Why settle? Why accept less than the best because he or she is Mr. or Mrs. Right Now? Have the courage and willpower to say, “I will not stay because there’s no one else. I will move on, let go, and find someone worthy of my love!”

3

Uproot the relationship completely, leaving no room for ties.

This can be complicated if there are children or shared assets, but like any battle won, it involves compromise and sacrifice. To start living with purpose, let go of mediocrity and accept nothing less than what you deserve.

You will begin making the valiant decisions necessary to get what you want and need.

Uprooting means cutting the life of the relationship from its core, root, and emotional source. If you allow occasional visits or texts, you leave room for your emotional needs to be met by someone who needs to be gone from your life.

Walk away and never look back.

Walking away from someone you still love is hard, sad, difficult, and can feel like a tragedy, but it’s not impossible. I promise you, you will survive. Love yourself more.

You owe it to yourself. Make the decision not to allow your children or future children to grow up in a dysfunctional home. You owe that to them. Give yourself the right to be happy, with balance, fulfillment, and the pleasure of living life on your own terms.

“I promise you, you will survive.”

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JOJO’S BIO: JoJo, a seasoned Mental Health Counselor and Editor-in-Chief of Chasing Clarity Magazine, employs a relational and holistic approach in counseling. With over a decade of bilingual counseling experience, she cultivates a space for clients to feel known, seen and understood. JoJo has firsthand experience navigating the complexities of prioritizing emotional well-being. Acknowledging the courage it takes to share vulnerabilities, she offers empathetic support. Beyond her professional roles, JoJo values her roles as a mother, friend, and family member, actively cherishing moments of happiness. To learn more about JoJo and her services please visit her website at: www.TheClarityHour.net PAGE 19 | Chasing Clarity

Jojo’s Kitchen

&Heal

Squeezed juice from one lemon

1 teaspoon grated ginger (strain or enclose in disposable tea bags after steeping in water for at least 2 hours) Four glasses of filtered water

INSTRUCTIONS

INGREDIENTS

Hydrate

Combine lemon juice, grated ginger (strained or in tea bags), blueberries, and filtered water in a pitcher.

Add ice cubes for a chilled version.

Allow the mixture to infuse for 2 hours to blend the flavors.

A handful of succulent blueberries

Refrigerate if desired for enhanced taste.

Optional: Ice cubes for a refreshing touch

Prepare servings to enjoy over several days.

Benefits of the Ingredients: ◦ Lemon: Bursting with vitamin C, an antioxidant that boosts immunity, promotes skin health, and aids in iron absorption. ◦ Ginger: Known for reducing inflammation, regulating blood sugar, relieving pain, and aiding digestion.

To enjoy the rejuvenating benefits of this detox water, make it a part of your routine. Whether you need an energy boost, better digestion, or overall wellness improvement, this simple, effective beverage will help you feel great. Remember to stay hydrated and enjoy the journey towards a healthier version of yourself!

◦ Blueberries: A superfood rich in nutrients that may lower blood pressure, support heart health, and enhance cognitive function.

PAGE 20 | Chasing Clarity

BEHAVIOR

The DARVO Technique for Avoiding Personal Accountability

In our acronym-loving, pop-psychology-obsessed nation, it can be challenging to keep up with the newest buzzwords in this ever-changing landscape of mental health. Often these short-hand references can be harmful, reducing complicated mental health concepts to trending terms. But every now and then, there is a simple concept in the world of psychology that captures public attention and is also deserving of a deep-dive.

Meet DARVO. An acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reversal of Victim and Offender, it’s a technique used notably by people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder to avoid responsibility for their actions. A favored method of megalomaniacs and preschoolers alike, while not unique to NPD, the behavior is most often seen in folks with low levels of empathy and insight into their interpersonal relationships.

U

nderstanding DARVO can help you identify if you are being emotionally abused. Context is key, though; while you may be able to forgive a child or even an overwhelmed adult displaying this behavior under certain circumstances, if it defines a trend in your relationship with someone, it may be time to take stock. Does this person often shirk responsibility when interacting with you and/or others? Are they dismissive of your thoughts, experiences, feelings? Do they spend a lot of energy trying to convince you that their perspective is superior to yours? Pay close attention. You may notice patterns that eluded you in the past.

C

onsider the following example. Let’s say your tired 5-year-old yells “I hate you!” when you say no to a cookie.

You confront their behavior and ask them not to speak to you that way, and they respond: “I didn’t do anything! You are so mean! You never give me anything I want! You are the worst Mom ever!” While your child has definitively participated in DARVO behavior (they denied doing something they did, attacked you by name-calling, then reversed you as the victim of the behavior to the person who is the offender) they are also still developing their frontal lobe, i.e., the part of the brain responsible for emotional expression, judgment and problem-solving. A loving conversation about boundaries, perhaps a nap, and almost certainly another 20 years of neurodevelopment should mitigate this problem.

N

ow, consider another example. Your spouse is an hour late coming home from work but never called, which frustrates you. When you share that their behavior felt inconsiderate and hurt your feelings, they respond: “I’m not inconsiderate! I do things for you all the time. Actually, I feel like you don’t appreciate all that I do for you. You’re a nag, and I’m sick of it.”

PAGE 21 | Chasing Clarity

“

While no one can take responsibility for the feelings of others, it’s helpful to recognize the power we hold in our interpersonal relationships and how difficult it can be for our friends, family, and spouses to articulate feelings, especially unpleasant ones.

If this is a trend you notice in one of your adult relationships, consider seeking support and guidance from a qualified mental health professional. Keep in mind that romantic partnerships are far from the only place this type of emotional manipulation resides; friends, parents, siblings, co-workers, bosses, anyone with a shred of emotional intimacy with you can be guilty of using DARVO to make you second-guess your experience to bolster theirs. A good counselor can not only help identify this type of emotional manipulation, they can help educate you on what healthy relationships look like, and how to foster them.

”

What if, after careful self-reflection, you realize you have been guilty of DARVO-ing others? What can you do? Firstdo not engage in shaming your past self. Instead, let this new knowledge inform your future behavior. Consider how you may have contributed, even unknowingly, to the situation at hand. This contributes to a foundation of trust, which is arguably the most important building block of a healthy relationship.

While no one can take responsibility for the feelings of others, it’s helpful to recognize the power we hold in our interpersonal relationships and how difficult it can be for our friends, family, and spouses to articulate feelings, especially unpleasant ones. When confronted by someone in your life, resist the initial urge to reject the perspective that doesn’t align with yours; this allows time for a thoughtful response versus a knee-jerk reaction. Perceived criticism is uncomfortable for everyone- but sitting with this tension can be powerfully transformative and is vital for personal growth.

Lauren Roth, M.A. is a psychometrist with over a decade of clinical experience specializing in neurodegenerative disorders. She has a graduate degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Rollins College in Winter Park, Florida and enjoys advocating for the elderly community to prevent memory loss, promote healthy aging practices and improve overall quality of life.

To learn more about K2 Medical Research visit their website: k2med.com.

Mention that you heard about them in Chasing Clarity Magazine.

PAGE 22 | Chasing Clarity

THE SOURCE OF

Toxic Family Relations Research suggests that "toxic" people may be suffering from mental illness.

How do you know you have a toxic family or family member? You may feel anxious or nervous when you have to interact with them.

You may feel drained after interacting with them or hearing them gossip.

They may be addicted to “drama," tend to overreact emotionally and create scenes in public or within a family. They may share personal things you said to them in confidence with other people to harm you.

Worse, you may feel confused, manipulated, and emotionally harmed after interacting with them or asserting your boundaries.

PAGE 23 | Chasing Clarity

While all families have disagreements and conflict, toxic family systems use extremely unhealthy ways of interacting with each other and resolving conflict. While disagreements and tension are inevitable in any family, the manner in which the conflict is handled is what differentiates a healthy family system from a toxic family system.

Family Emotional Violence Research supports the idea that a certain level of “aggression” is a “normal” part of family life.

These levels are usually culturally-approved (Barnett, Miller-Perrin, & Perrin, 2011). For example, in Western cultures, many healthy families and couples may lose their tempers or say hurtful things to each other on occasion.

However, if these harmful tactics—combined with conflict avoidance (gossiping, criticism, pitting, splitting)—become consistent ways of resolving problems, a toxic family dynamic may occur. Unfortunately, one toxic family member or “bad apple” can cause significant damage to an entire family system.

Psychological Bullying While physical violence causes bodily injury, emotional or interpersonal violence can cause psychological harm, stress, and mental injury. In dysfunctional families, these behaviors have been coined as “toxic” because they can cause relational harm to a group. A hallmark of a toxic person is the severe harm she/he can cause to a group: workplace, family, or even government.

For instance, in a family, a toxic sister, aunt, mother, or cousin can cause relationship harm between family members. They may split and pit family members against each other (toxic behavior), usually by lying for their own personal gain. This form of psychological bullying is quite harmful to family members and may manifest in depression, anxiety, feelings of helplessness, or post-traumatic stress symptoms in many family members.

Sometimes, these family members causing destruction are suffering from their own mental health problems, often undiagnosed. According to Dr. George Simon, these may be disturbances of character. In medical terms, perpetrators may be suffering from a diagnosis on the personality disorder spectrum (American Psychiatric Association, 2014).

Dangerous Family Members: Pathological Personality The connection between psychopathic traits and crime is well-researched, but the rate of victimization within families relatives is lacking research and is not fully understood (Leedom, 2017). However, psychologists find the clinical problem of personality disorders is increasingly prevalent among patients who create toxic family dynamics.

A personality disorder is a pervasive lifelong pattern of behavior that leads to distress or impairment. They can have significant impairment in ways of seeing other people, themselves, and events. In addition, they can have affective problems, such as an inability to regulate their emotional responses.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders(DSM-5), these include diagnoses such as Narcissistic, Antisocial, and Borderline Personality Disorders. Sociopathy and psychopathy are used in popular culture to describe personalities and behaviors on this spectrum, but these are not actual diagnoses found in the DSM-5. It can be very confusing to the public and clinicians alike because there is so much comorbidity or overlap between symptoms and behaviors of personality disorders.

Is the Specific Diagnosis Important?

Experts agree that there is significant overlap among the many personality disorders. The American Psychiatric Association (2013) has proposed an alternative model for conceptualizing personality disorders in the future because of this problem with comorbidity across personality disorders. For example, there are similar traits and behaviors between Narcissistic, Borderline, and Antisocial personality disorders. The alternative DSM-5 model includes general criteria for a personality disorder, a person who has impairments in personality functioning, one or more pathological personality traits.

Within the family system context, however, an actual diagnosis is not as important as recognizing patterns of those who suffer from personality disorders and how they may affect your family.

PAGE 24 | Chasing Clarity

Are They “Treatable”?

Personality disorders are far more serious than many other mental health disorders because they are difficult to treat. This is for two reasons: 1. Treatment resistance—i.e., those with personality disorders don’t understand they have the problem and blame others.

2. It is difficult to treat a personality because they are ingrained personality traits—unlike, for example, a mood disorder.

Whether or not they seek (or respond to) treatment, what you can do is recognize and understand these “clinically disturbed” people in your life, regardless of specific diagnostic labels. According to George Simon, Ph.D., author of In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People in Your Life, it is important to recognize certain behaviors to mitigate the damage of interacting with these types of “clinically disturbed” people.

Toxic Family Dynamics Unsure if you're dealing with a toxic family member or toxic family dynamics? These behaviors may indicate that things have turned toxic: Splitting: Planting seeds where jealousy, resentment, and anger will flourish.

Pitting: Setting family members against each other, usually through dishonesty.

Chronic disrespect and contempt.

Pathological lying Becomes angry and protests when you assert boundaries.

Triangulation: Do not confront each other directly and triangulate another family member.

Refusal to apologize.

Smear Campaigns: Premediated efforts to tarnish another person's reputation and character usually by lying and deceit, often delusional in nature.

Controlling.

Takes no responsibility, blames others.

Verbal assaults (overt and covert).

Unfortunately, many families with a history of adverse childhood experiences or adult children of alcoholics may think these family dynamics are “normal.” And they may be normal—but are they healthy? If they are chronically causing you distress and impairment, including anxiety and depression, you may need to re-assess your exposure.

Unfortunately, one toxic family member or “bad apple” can cause significant damage to an entire family system.

PAGE 25 | Chasing Clarity

Dr. Tracy Hutchinson is an academic, clinical supervisor, consultant, and psychotherapist.

Currently, she serves on the faculty at The College of William & Mary in the graduate clinical mental health program. She earned her Ph.D. from the University of Central Florida in Counselor Education and Supervision. She has published in peer-reviewed academic journals and textbooks in the field and presented at numerous international and national conferences in the field of psychology and mental health.

She is licensed to practice in both Florida and New York State. She is also a clinical supervisor providing both supervision and training to therapists and a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP). Her areas of research and expertise include narcissistic abuse/recovery in families/relationships, spirituality, mental strength, and resilience.

Jojo’s Kitchen

Delicious Chicken Pasta Salad Recipe Packed with Freshness and Flavor!

I don't know about you, but I love a flavorful, easy-to-make recipe that is versatile and can complement any meal. In Latin culture, we love adding pasta salads, potato salads, and avocado salads as sides, but this dish can actually stand out on its own if you prefer. It has everything you need! Whether you're preparing it for a potluck or enjoying it as a standalone dish, this chicken pasta salad combines fresh ingredients with a homemade dressing that brings out delicious flavors in every bite. Perfect for any occasion, it's a meal that's as satisfying as it is nutritious.

s t n e i Ingred - 2 medium cooked chicken breasts, shredded or chopped - 2 avocados, pitted and diced - 1 pound cooked rotini pasta, cooled - 1/2 cup chopped onion - 1 cup cherry tomatoes, halved - 1/2 cup chopped basil - 1/2 orange pepper, thinly sliced - 1 large cucumber, diced - Salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste

HealthEFITS BofEtheNingredients

g n i s s e Dr - 1/2 cup white wine vinegar - 1 tablespoon Italian seasoning - 3/4 cup extra virgin olive oil - Salt and pepper, to taste

s n o i t c u r t s In 1. In a large salad bowl, combine shredded chicken, cooled pasta, onion, avocado, cherry tomatoes, basil, orange pepper, and cucumber.

2.Make the dressing by whisking together white wine vinegar, Italian seasoning, olive oil, salt, and pepper in a jar.

3.Drizzle the dressing over the salad ingredients. Toss gently to mix well.

4.Serve immediately, or refrigerate for later.

Chicken: Provides essential protein for muscle health and overall body function.

Avocado: Rich in healthy fats, fiber, and potassium, promoting heart health and satiety.

Tomatoes: Loaded with vitamins C and K, as well as antioxidants that boost immune function and support bone health.

Basil: Offers anti-inflammatory properties and enhances the dish's flavor.

Orange Pepper: High in vitamin C, supporting immune health and collagen production.

Cucumber: Low in calories and high in water content, providing hydration benefits.

Final Thoughts: This chicken pasta salad is versatile, nutrient-rich, and easy to prepare. The homemade dressing elevates the flavors, adding a tangy twist. If you prefer to use a store-bought dressing of your choice, go ahead!

You can also customize it with extras like crispy bacon, black beans, or feta crumbles for additional texture and taste. Enjoy sharing this delicious and wholesome dish with loved ones, knowing you're treating yourself to a meal that is both satisfying and nutritious!

PAGE 26 | Chasing Clarity

Healthy Boundaries

for Adult Children of Toxic Parents Strategies for changing old, unhealthy patterns.

Creating healthy boundaries for toxic parents can be very difficult, because, as adults, we are often still caught in the old patterns of childhood without even knowing it.

We just live in the pattern, and the pattern does what it does until somewhere along the way, we begin to see or feel how the pattern is affecting us. Even when we see it or feel it, it may still take us some time and effort to start creating healthy boundaries because we feel guilty, or we don’t want to start an argument, or we fear we will hurt our parents' feelings, or we are just so entangled that we can’t seem to find our way out of it.

The thing we tend to fear the most is how they will react to the news that we have a new boundary we are going to insist upon. We fear they will not be able to tolerate the boundary and their lives will fall apart. We fear they will stop relating to us, or not want us in their lives anymore, or that the conversation will just end in a big fight. The truth is that we have had that fear since it was first placed in us—by them—years and years ago.

PAGE 27 | Chasing Clarity

But we are adults, and so are they. How they react may be correctly anticipated. Let’s assume that you are correct in your thinking about how they might react, but let’s also assume that you are not responsible for how they react—that belongs 100 percent to them. Let’s assume that their lives will only fall apart if they choose to let them fall apart and that if they ghost us for a time or stop relating, that they are simply trying to regain control of the relationship. Let’s assume that the patterns between you and your parents will show up bright and clear when you start being more authentic in that relationship.

Then these patterns can be talked about and perhaps dealt with in a healthy manner. Let’s assume that in any fight, it takes two to tango—and that means you don’t have to join any fight that they start. Most of all, let’s assume that growing up means freeing oneself from unhealthy patterns of childhood. With all of those assumptions in mind, this article is meant to give us some simple options for boundaries for certain specific types of toxicity.

Toxic parents who try to control us

Toxic parents who are addicted

Toxic parents who play the victim role

With these parents, the issue often becomes one of power vs. guilt. We feel that our parents should have some control because they always have and we feel guilty for trying to take back our lives from them. Perhaps they are trying to manage your children, or they want to interfere in your marriage, or they try to control you with money, or maybe they try to guilt you into taking care of them in some way.

At each juncture, you are lost in a miasma of confusion because surely they are doing this because they love you, right? Well, they may love you, or not, but that has nothing to do with their efforts to control.

Control is not love.

So, one option is to start realizing what you want—what you desire in this given situation—and then lay that down like the boundary it is.

“Mom, I want to do x, y, z, and so that’s what we are going to do here.” “Dad, I want this job, not that one, so I’m going to take it.” When they react, try to be present with your own emotions instead of trying to fix, or change theirs. Sitting with your own emotions prompts you to take care of yourself—which is your only job here.

When we’ve been raised by addicted parents, we might have a tendency to believe that it is our job to fix or take care of them in some way. So, we allow them all kinds of graces that we wouldn’t allow any other normal human being. We might tend toward feeling guilty and responsible for them and that’s a hard pattern to break. So, we might begin by looking at the realities of responsibility in general. Who is responsible for your happiness and well-being? If you answered “me,” you answered correctly.

The same applies to them. So, start with something small over which you’ve been taking responsibility and give it back to them. Then grow from there.

These parents have been demanding through manipulation that you take care of them—for they make it obvious with their behaviors that they cannot take care of themselves.

Perhaps you have played parent all of your life. You’ve listened to Mom as she complains about Dad and vice versa. You’ve paid bills and relieved emotions and just been the overall caregiver. One option, again, is to begin with something small and insist that you will not take care of it any longer—then allow them to stumble their way through it without your help. Then grow from there.

“When we’ve been raised by addicted parents, we might have a tendency to believe that it is our job to fix or take care of them in some way.”

PAGE 28 | Chasing Clarity

Toxic parents who are rageful or abusive These parents have literally hurt you, emotionally or physically. And you might even think—because they have raised you to believe it—that their behavior towards you is normal.

But as adults who are free to choose their lives, you have the choice as to how much you are going to tolerate. You might choose to no longer associate with them at all. Or you might just end every conversation that starts to become rageful or abusive. Then grow from there. There are plenty of kind people out there for you to formulate healthy relationships with. You don’t have to tolerate abuse.

As adults who are free to choose their lives, you have the choice as to how much you are going to tolerate.

The main thing is to remember that your life belongs to you and it is your responsibility to take good care of that life. It is not now and never was your responsibility to take care of their lives. You can be kind to yourself without being unkind to others. Boundaries are not unkind—they are just more authentic than the old unhealthy patterns.

Andrea Mathews is an author, psychotherapist, and speaker, with over 35 years in the mental health field, serving in agencies as Counselor, Family Therapist, Program Director, Clinical Director and Clinical Consultant; and in Practice for over 20 years. Currently she is providing trainings for Mental Health Clinicians in the spiritual component of therapy.

She has authored 3 books, the latest of which is “Letting Go of Good: Dispel the Myth of Goodness to Find Your Genuine Self.” She is the author of a blog entitled “Traversing the Inner Terrain” with over 4 million readers. She also hosts a popular podcast entitled Authentic Living.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/traversing-the-inner-terrainwith

PAGE 29 | Chasing Clarity

"You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them" - Maya Angelou

PAGE 30 | Chasing Clarity

What makes toxic positivity ‘toxic’?

Can You Be Accidentally Toxic?

How to spot and neutralize toxic positivity.

Let’s begin with a diagnostic.

Take this quick toxic positivity quiz:

Emotions like joy, gratitude, and love are essential for mental well-being. There’s no evidence suggesting we can overindulge in positive feelings. However, positivity turns toxic when used to suppress or avoid underlying emotions, or to shame others for their thoughts and feelings. This often leads to increased stress, shame, guilt, and loneliness.

A ‘positivity mask’ can hinder understanding and addressing our true needs. It may divert attention from systemic issues by placing blame on the affected individual. For instance, telling someone facing discrimination to “cheer up” or “be grateful” does nothing to alter their reality or the broader societal challenge.

When you experience unpleasant emotions (like sadness or fear), do you quickly force yourself to cheer up or focus on the bright side?

If dissatisfied with something in your life, do you feel guilty for not being sufficiently grateful for what you have?

When loved ones are upset, do you attempt to cheer them up even if they haven’t asked you to?

Do you tend to use phrases like “everything happens for a reason,” “look on the bright side,” or “at least it’s not as bad as it could be” to help others feel better?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may have fallen prey to the pervasive phenomenon known as ‘toxic positivity.’ Whitney Goodman, psychotherapist and author of Toxic Positivity (2022), defines it as “an unrelenting pressure to be happy all the time, regardless of circumstances, particularly in our deepest moments of struggle.” It is a pressure we impose on ourselves and others, paradoxically backfiring in our quest for perpetual positivity.

PAGE 31 | Chasing Clarity

“A ‘positivity mask’ can hinder understanding and addressing our true needs.”

Why do we engage in toxic positivity?

To abandon toxic positivity, it’s crucial to grasp its driving forces. Negative emotions—anger, sorrow, disappointment, envy—are uncomfortable to experience and witness. In these moments, pushing for positivity might seem like a shortcut to feeling better, despite often leading nowhere.

Complicating matters, psychology research highlights the benefits of cultivating positive emotions (Seligman et al., 2005). Daily gratitude practice, for example, modestly enhances well-being (Gregg & Cheavens, 2021). Yet, there’s a distinction between such practices and defaulting to positivity as a universal remedy.

Daily gratitude is akin to daily tooth-brushing—healthy and beneficial. But for deeper issues, like needing a root canal, mere positivity won’t suffice. As Goodman argues, in times of profound emotional pain, superficial encouragement falls short. To paraphrase Carl Jung, “What we resist persists.”

What are healthier alternatives?

In Toxic Positivity, Goodman advocates for respecting all emotions and their significance.

If we didn’t feel pain, we wouldn’t recognize danger. Similarly, our painful emotions guide us toward healthier choices.

When emotions arise:

Acknowledge:

Validate:

Sit with:

Expand:

Name the feeling or sensations.

Acknowledge the feeling’s validity.

Allow space to feel the emotion without judgment.

Explore underlying needs through questions.

For instance, if disappointed about not getting a desired job:

Acknowledge:

Validate:

Sit with:

Expand:

“I feel disappointed, sad, embarrassed, and exhausted.”

“It’s understandable given how hard I worked and how much I wanted it.”

“Today, I’m giving myself permission to feel this disappointment.”

“What aspect of this disappointment hurts the most? What do I need right now?”

If a friend receives a difficult diagnosis:

Acknowledge:

Validate:

Sit with:

Expand:

“It sounds like you’re feeling scared and overwhelmed.”

“That’s frightening news.”

“Would you like to talk about what’s on your mind?””

“How can I support you through this? It’s okay if you’re unsure.”

When unsure, prioritize listening to feelings—whether your own or others’. Avoid rushing to solutions before understanding the emotion fully. Without this step, even the most well-intentioned pep talks may fall flat.

BIO: Tania Luna is an entrepreneur, psychology researcher, and author of multiple books, including Lead Together: Stop Squirreling Away Power and Build a Better Team. She is the founder of Scarlet Spark, a nonprofit that amplifies the effectiveness of animal advocacy organizations and co-founder of LifeLabs Learning, a leadership development company that helps thousands of people become more capable and compassionate leaders. She is the co-host of the podcast Talk Psych to Me, TED speaker, and writer for Psychology Today. She lives in a micro-sanctuary with rescued pigs, goats, dogs, roosters, cats, and the love of her life. You can visit her website at: https://www.tanialuna.com/

PAGE 32 | Chasing Clarity

MARC MERO

From Wrestling Rings to Inspirational Stages: Marc Mero's Journey of Redemption

JoJo fondly reminisces about the day she first met Marc on Emotional Mojo, where they co-hosted for just one day. She vividly recalls encountering Marc's positive aura and its immediate impact. "There was something about him," JoJo reflects warmly, "something so positive and uplifting."

In the world of professional wrestling, Marc Mero is a name that resonates with fans of the sport. As a former WWE Intercontinental Champion and WCW World Television Champion, his in-ring prowess captivated audiences worldwide.

Yet, beyond the glamour of the squared circle, Marc Mero's journey took an unexpected turn towards a profound mission of inspiration and hope.

Delving into the theme of the interview series, "All Things Toxic," JoJo invites Marc to share his journey through personal toxicity and eventual transformation. Marc doesn't hesitate to delve into his past with honesty and vulnerability. "I surrounded myself with negative and toxic influences," he admits, "thinking it was just fun and games. Little did I know, it would lead me down a destructive path."

Sitting down for an interview with *Chasing Clarity*, Marc reflects on his transformation from wrestling star to renowned motivational speaker. "My 17 years in wrestling were a whirlwind, but finding my true calling in life has been the greatest victory," Marc shares with humility, his voice resonating with a mix of gratitude and wisdom.

Marc's tale is one of stark contrasts: from the euphoria of wrestling stardom to the depths of addiction and despair. "It started innocently enough," he recounts, "but soon, I found myself addicted to drugs, my life spinning out of control."

Marc's transition from wrestling to motivational speaking wasn't just a career pivot; it was a profound personal evolution catalyzed by overcoming deep personal struggles. "I spent 14 years in wrestling and 30 years living out of hotels," Marc recalls, highlighting the demanding lifestyle that ultimately led him to reflect deeply on his path.

PAGE 33 | Chasing Clarity

The turning point came on Christmas Day in 2003, a moment etched in his memory forever. "I was alone, contemplating ending it all," Marc shares, his voice heavy with emotion. "But a vision of hell jolted me awake—a stark realization that I needed a new path."

That day became a pivotal moment as Marc found solace in faith and embarked on a journey of recovery. "I asked Christ into my life," he reveals, "and I've been clean for 20 years now—a journey filled with challenges but also immense growth."

JoJo notes Marc's journey of self-forgiveness, a crucial step in his healing process. "Forgiving yourself is essential," Marc affirms, "it frees you from the weight of past mistakes."

JoJo explores the steps Marc took to break free from toxicity, highlighting the importance of seeking help and finding inner strength. "It's about acceptance and believing in positive outcomes," Marc advises, his words a beacon of hope for those struggling with similar challenges.

Their conversation turns to the fear of letting go of a toxic lifestyle, especially when it's intertwined with perceived success. Marc's perspective is clear: "True happiness isn't found in material success," he asserts, "but in meaningful relationships and personal fulfillment."

Their conversation touches on Marc's advocacy for counseling and therapy, tools he credits with aiding his recovery and empowering others through vulnerability and shared experiences.

Marc's journey from wrestling fame to motivational speaking is marked by resilience, compassion, and a relentless pursuit of personal growth. "These are the days," Marc declares passionately, rejecting nostalgia for past glories. "I'll never retire; I'll refire until the end," he adds, embodying a spirit of perpetual renewal and purpose.

Marc's own redefinition of fun and joy underscores his newfound purpose.

"Helping others brings me the greatest joy," he explains, emphasizing the transformative power of service and empathy.

Reflecting on healthy relationships, Marc acknowledges the learning curve. "It's about priorities," he emphasizes, "putting God and family first."

As the interview draws to a close, JoJo reflects on Marc's journey, encapsulating his message of hope and perseverance.

"Marc's story isn't just about overcoming," she concludes, "it's about embracing today's challenges with unwavering faith and resilience."

Marc Mero's story is a testament to the transformative power of faith, forgiveness, and personal reinvention. From wrestling arenas to school auditoriums, his voice continues to resonate, inspiring countless individuals to find strength in adversity and purpose in every chapter of life.

PAGE 34 | Chasing Clarity

Bibliography The Source of Toxic Family Relations: • Afifi, T. D., Olson, L. N., & Armstrong, C. (2005). The chilling effect and family secrets: Examining the role of self-protection, other protection, and communication efficacy. Human Communication Research, 31, 564-598.

• American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: Author.

• Barnett, O., Miller-Perrin, C., & Perrin, R. (2011). Family violence across the life span. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

• Conti, R. P. (2015). Family estrangement: Establishing a prevalence rate. Journal of Psychology & Behavioral Science, 3, 28-35.

• Leedom, L. J. (2017). The impact of psychopathy on the family, psychopathy - New updates on an old phenomenon, Federico Durbano, IntechOpen, DOI: 10.5772/intechopen.70227.

Available from: https://www.intechopen.com/books/psychopathy-new-updat es-on-an-old-phen…

• Roth, K., & Friedman, F. (2003). Surviving a borderline parent: How to heal your childhood wounds & build trust, boundaries, and self-esteem. CA: New Harbinger.

• Simon, G. (2011). Character Disturbance: The phenomenon of our age. AR: Parkhurst Brothers.

• Gladding, S. (2018). Family therapy: History, theory, and practice. New York: Pearson.

Surviving Toxic Bosses: Real Stories and Smart Solutions: • Harris Poll. (2023). "Many American employers display harmful behaviors such as setting unreasonable expectations (51%), micromanaging (49%), and credit-stealing (48%). A staggering 53% of American employees confess to working on weekends, holidays, or days • off because of their bosses." Retrieved from [source not provided in the text].

• Harris Poll. (2023). "73% stated they struggle with anxiety on weekends as they anticipate returning to work on Mondays, while 41% seek therapy due to their boss's toxic behavior." Retrieved from [source not provided in the text].

• Cloud, H. (Year not provided). Boundaries at Work: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Work Life.

[Publisher not provided in the text].

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4 Types of Toxic Friends: • Enright, R. D. (2001). Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope. American Psychological Association.

Can You Be Accidentally Toxic?: • Goodman, W. (2022). Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy.

• • Seligman, M. E. P., Steen, T. A., Park, N., & Peterson, C. (2005). [Specific work not provided].

• • Cregg, D. R., & Cheavens, J. S. (2021). Gratitude Interventions: Effective Self-help? A Meta-analysis of the Impact on Symptoms of Depression and Anxiety.

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