TOXIC BEHAVIOR

The DARVO Technique for Avoiding Personal Accountability

In our acronym-loving, pop-psychology-obsessed nation, it can be challenging to keep up with the newest buzzwords in this ever-changing landscape of mental health. Often these short-hand references can be harmful, reducing complicated mental health concepts to trending terms. But every now and then, there is a simple concept in the world of psychology that captures public attention and is also deserving of a deep-dive.

Meet DARVO.

An acronym that stands for Deny, Attack, and Reversal of Victim and Offender, it’s a technique used notably by people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder to avoid responsibility for their actions. A favored method of megalomaniacs and preschoolers alike, while not unique to NPD, the behavior is most often seen in folks with low levels of empathy and insight into their interpersonal relationships.

Understanding DARVO can help you identify if you are being emotionally abused. Context is key, though; while you may be able to forgive a child or even an overwhelmed adult displaying this behavior under certain circumstances, if it defines a trend in your relationship with someone, it may be time to take stock. Does this person often shirk responsibility when interacting with you and/or others? Are they dismissive of your thoughts, experiences, feelings? Do they spend a lot of energy trying to convince you that their perspective is superior to yours? Pay close attention. You may notice patterns that eluded you in the past.

Consider the following example. Let’s say your tired 5-year-old yells “I hate you!” when you say no to a cookie. You confront their behavior and ask them not to speak to you that way, and they respond: “I didn’t do anything! You are so mean! You never give me anything I want! You are the worst Mom ever!” While your child has definitively participated in DARVO behavior (they denied doing something they did, attacked you by name-calling, then reversed you as the victim of the behavior to the person who is the offender) they are also still developing their frontal lobe, i.e., the part of the brain responsible for emotional expression, judgment and problem-solving. A loving conversation about boundaries, perhaps a nap, and almost certainly another 20 years of neurodevelopment should mitigate this problem.

Now, consider another example. Your spouse is an hour late coming home from work but never called, which frustrates you. When you share that their behavior felt inconsiderate and hurt your feelings, they respond: “I’m not inconsiderate! I do things for you all the time. Actually, I feel like you don’t appreciate all that I do for you. You’re a nag, and I’m sick of it.”

If this is a trend you notice in one of your adult relationships, consider seeking support and guidance from a qualified mental health professional. Keep in mind that romantic partnerships are far from the only place this type of emotional manipulation resides; friends, parents, siblings, co-workers, bosses, anyone with a shred of emotional intimacy with you can be guilty of using DARVO to make you second-guess your experience to bolster theirs. A good counselor can not only help identify this type of emotional manipulation, they can help educate you on what healthy relationships look like, and how to foster them.

What if, after careful self-reflection, you realize you have been guilty of DARVO-ing others? What can you do? Firstdo not engage in shaming your past self. Instead, let this new knowledge inform your future behavior. Consider how you may have contributed, even unknowingly, to the situation at hand. This contributes to a foundation of trust, which is arguably the most important building block of a healthy relationship.

While no one can take responsibility for the feelings of others, it’s helpful to recognize the power we hold in our interpersonal relationships and how difficult it can be for our friends, family, and spouses to articulate feelings, especially unpleasant ones. When confronted by someone in your life, resist the initial urge to reject the perspective that doesn’t align with yours; this allows time for a thoughtful response versus a knee-jerk reaction. Perceived criticism is uncomfortable for everyone- but sitting with this tension can be powerfully transformative and is vital for personal growth.

Lauren Roth, M.A. is a psychometrist with over a decade of clinical experience specializing in neurodegenerative disorders. She has a graduate degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Rollins College in Winter Park, Florida and enjoys advocating for the elderly community to prevent memory loss, promote healthy aging practices and improve overall quality of life.

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