10 minute read
Church Hurt
*DISCLAIMER: This article may be triggering for those who have experienced or are experiencing pain in a church setting. If this topic resonates deeply and feels overwhelming, please refrain from reading further. However, I assure you, this story is shared to convey a message of hope and healing.
My love for God is unwavering.
Indeed, I love God, and He loves me in return. Despite my imperfections, His love remains steadfast. He doesn't love me for my abilities, talents, or virtues; He loves me simply because He does. This profound love was reaffirmed for me this past Sunday. As the worship team sang "Trust in God" by Elevation Worship, I felt a lump in my throat. The word "trust" struck a deep chord within me. Had someone told me two years ago that I would be sitting in the front row of a church that feels like home, surrounded by my family and amazing friends, worshiping wholeheartedly, I would have thought them to be mad. It was just over a year ago that I wrestled with the internal pull to return to a church community.
"I trust God, but I don't trust His community,"
I confessed to my friend and fellow therapist, Maria. She gently responded, "I understand what you mean." I stood at a crossroads: follow God's nudge to return to a community or continue to isolate myself.
I found comfort in online services or occasionally visiting a friend's church—there were no strings attached, and it felt emotionally safe. Yet, I recognized the concerns of our friends and family. I also knew God was guiding us to a very specific place. The thought of starting over in a new church made me want to retreat and scream "NO." It may sound juvenile, but I can accept that. Through self-reflection, I realized it was my younger, 25-year-old self internally protesting. She had been wounded, and the healing process had been long and arduous.
For context, I have been immersed in church life since the age of 5. Church was a place of connection, joy, and fun. My home church in Virginia was multicultural, providing support even through my rebellious teenage years. At 15, my family moved to Orlando, Florida. Leaving behind my home, my church, my friends, and so much more was my first heartbreak. The transition was challenging, but it ultimately proved to be the best decision for my life. My mother discovered a small "Spanish" church and insisted we attend. Despite my initial resistance, I gradually found my community, my friends, and eventually my husband. It was in this church that I delivered my first sermon and recognized a special calling on my life. My senior pastor spoke words of life over me and demonstrated love and grace through some of my family's darkest moments.
At 25, newly married, and grappling with my mother’s mental health issues, I sought acceptance and approval by agreeing to change churches. My first mistake was that we did not pray or seek wise counsel in this decision. I quickly realized that I did not fit into the normative church environment. At the first inaugural service, I arrived wearing dressy Bermuda shorts, and heels, and my girlfriends were in ripped jeans. We were surrounded by suits, dresses, and skirts, sticking out like sore thumbs. This stark contrast to the church I grew up in would persist for many years.
Fast forward to when I had been in attendance for quite some time. The clothing issue was a constant battle, exacerbated when a guest evangelist's periodic visits. I often felt targeted by their words, chastised for having a Myspace account and subjected to disdainful glances and passive-aggressive criticism about my attire. I would feel a sense of dread whenever I heard this woman's name. The psychological abuse began to affect me even when this individual was not present. I can still see myself one Sunday, sitting on the edge of my bed, paralyzed by fear, tears rolling down my face. My spouse was nearby, frustrated by the anguish I was experiencing. And do you know what the trigger was? The fear of picking an outfit because this guest evangelist was visiting again. I had given this person so much unspoken power over my life that I allowed myself to shrink into a puddle of fear over clothing. I didn’t recognize myself. I am known to be of “strong character,” but the level of toxicity I was experiencing left me emotionally exhausted. She was only one of my sources of anguish.
Long before this individual entered my life, I faced similar torment from other active leaders in that church. I was ridiculed for not being "Spanish" enough, mocked, and alienated as punishment when I dared to speak up. One leader sarcastically remarked that all I knew how to cook were frozen dinners. I was criticized for how I sat in the front row and labeled difficult whenever I expressed an opinion contrary to theirs. The most hurtful comment was about our desire to start a family. Due to unhealthy dynamics with my family, I had established boundaries to maintain my peace of mind. However, my decision to uphold these boundaries was interpreted as a failure to "honor" my parents, and I was told this was why I hadn’t conceived a child with my husband. Was God punishing me for having healthy boundaries? These words led to many tears and countless conversations with God.
Regrettably, I became a reflection of what I was exposed to. I became reactive and harsh, mirroring their behavior. My reactivity only fueled further targeting, creating a vicious cycle. One of my greatest regrets was becoming as toxic as they were. I want to take a moment to say, if my reactivity ever caused you pain, I am deeply sorry. I was already burdened by family traumas, and this toxicity intensified my feelings of rejection and abandonment. Despite this, it does not excuse my behavior, and I fervently wish I had left sooner.
Amid my internal turmoil and depression, God was my saving grace. On nights without service, I sought solace at a friend's church. They welcomed me with open arms, spiritually nurturing me. My husband pursued his theological certificate at their university. It was during these visits that I discovered my gifts, talents, and the power of intercessory prayer. I kept these visits a secret, fearing reprimand. Concurrently, I began therapy as my anxiety had escalated to the point where I was picking at my skin and scalp. It was a combination of Jesus and weekly therapy that sustained me.
I vividly recall sinking into my therapist's couch and declaring, "It’s me, I am the problem." She chuckled before offering an empathetic yet firm challenge to my unhealthy mindset. As a minister and therapist, she asked, "What does the Bible say is your true identity? What evidence supports that the words spoken over or about you are aligned with God's truth over your life?" She pushed me into the Word, and today I am a therapist because of her influence. She believed God had greater plans for me, understood why I felt stuck, and encouraged me to move forward.
I wish I could say everything improved immediately. While there were healthier moments, another wave of toxicity, including gossip, weaponized fasting, and further conflicts, made it clear we needed to leave. This decision brought alienation and pain, especially for my husband. The paradox of how difficult it was and how liberated I felt has always stayed with me. Healing and forgiveness took time and therapy.
Reading my story, you might wonder, "Why did you stay?" or "Why do people tolerate this?" "Why not just leave?"
There are multiple reasons:
Familiarity
We can become conditioned to accept unhealthy and unbiblical behaviors as normal.
Cultural Norms
Minority cultures often normalize unhealthy forms of reprimand, influencing sermons, leadership, and discipline.
Lack of Emotional Intelligence
A lack of self-awareness and emotional intelligence (EQ) can lead to overlooking signs of abuse.
Fear
Some view God as an angry, condemning deity, with fear tactics stunting critical thinking and biblical development.
People-Pleasing
A desire for love and acceptance can lead to remaining in toxic relationships, sacrificing personal needs.
The emotional complexity of toxicity within a religious community can be traumatizing, disappointing, and confusing. Many choose never to return to such settings or abandon their faith entirely. As the Church, we must recognize signs of pride, offense, and narcissistic behaviors that undermine the emotional well-being of the congregation. (I will delve deeper into this in the next edition of Chasing Clarity.)
Questions often arise: Why does God allow this? Why permit pain in a place meant for healing? If you have been hurt, know that your experience does not reflect the God of the Bible. The Bible describes God as a loving father who cares for us tenderly (Psalm 68:5, Isaiah 64:8). He desires for you to flourish. Learning God's word should exemplify His love, grace, mercy, and justice. Knowledge should never cause harm. Such levels of toxicity indicate leadership deficiencies, unresolved hurt projected onto others, and a lack of healthy intimacy with God. As stated in "The Genius of Jesus" (McManus, 2021, p. 75):
"To know God, or his mind, was never intended to be about information, but about intimacy. It’s about finding a depth of love that produces compassion, kindness, and the genius of empathy."
Recognizing this helped me shift from blaming God to leaning into God for healing.
If you have been hurt, there is hope, peace, and healing. The first step is recognizing your emotions. We cannot move past what we cannot name. Once we identify our emotions, we can begin forgiving those who wounded us. Forgiveness, demonstrated even from the cross, is a decision to not let our emotions dictate our behaviors and thoughts. It is a process and a conscious choice to move forward. A great resource is "Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope" by Robert Enright. Seek counseling to help navigate healing because healing is possible. You can live the restored life God truly intended for you. If you need extra help on this journey, find a Christian therapist and process it in a safe space.
Hold onto the promise from this scripture: “After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you” (1 Peter 5:10, ESV). What a magnificent promise! After every hurt, disappointment, and pain, He can give us strength and restore us. There is hope.
As for me, I am walking in my Kingdom Girl era. What does that mean? It means embracing my healing, faith, and values while confidently stepping into the purpose God has for me. The bonus: I can worship in jeans and Nike Pandas, speak Spanglish freely, and, most importantly, feel heard, seen, and safe.
Suely Rivera, the owner and lead therapist of In Bloom Counseling and Wellness, LLC, holds a Masters in Science in Counseling Psychology from Palm Beach Atlantic University. She is a licensed Mental Health Counselor and a Certified Life Coach. Suely is trained in EMDR for trauma, as well as in Emotion-Focused Therapy for couples, Gottman Level 1 (for couples), and is a Prepare-Enriched facilitator. She also incorporates expressive writing and art techniques in her sessions.
